SarahPee

To be alone with you...

2011-02-15T02:19:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile and I don't have much to say right now...

I want to share this video though, something a friend shared with me that was something I needed.

If you'd like to read along...

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

New Toy...

2010-12-05T17:14:00.001-08:00

I have a new toy, and when I get something I love, I enjoy sharing my fondness with others!
So, got to my art blog or click here to see a quick little video of my new toy! It's awesome!

The slow, shaking head...

2010-10-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
Colossians 1:13-14 (ESV)

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this, but sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to God. Actually, I feel that way a lot. Between the way I treat others and how I treat myself... Well, it's safe to say that it's not always the way He would like me to be acting. Some days I don't live the way Jesus wants me to, let alone how I think I should.

"The devil loves the line of logic. If he can convince us that God's grace has limited funds, we'll draw the logical conclusion. The account is empty." -Max Lucado

Sometimes, I think that when I finally get to meet God, He is going to raise an eyebrow because I didn't follow the path He had laid out for me. I'm worried that He's going to shake His head slowly as I hang my head in shame. I mean, I've screwed up plenty. What if God is just watching me, head in His hands, as I make mistake after mistake?

What if who I am is a disappointment to Him?

This is when I turn to the bible, God's word. It is evident that others have screwed up too--Peter (Mark 14:66-72), David (2 Samuel 11), the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-23)... And guess what? God and Jesus restores them all, forgave all their sins. All three of them received grace, and so do we. We are forgiven and blessed with grace.

Do I want to mess up? Do I aim to do wrong? Not usually. But, sadly, I do sometimes make mistakes. Looking at Peter, David and the Samaritan woman, I have good company. Peter denied God three times (Mark 14:66-72). David took another mans wife (2 Samuel 11) and the Samaritan woman had more than one husband (John 4:1-23). And it's not about whether their sins are greater than mine or vice versa (cause all sins are equal in Gods eyes). I don't have to fear disappointing Him--He already knows I will screw up. He knew Peter would deny Him, He knew the Samaritan woman had more than 1 husband. He knows that I am going to screw up. He has provided me a way to heaven, through Christ His Son.

- + - + - + -

This is my first post in awhile. As busy as university life has been, it's also got my mind working again, and has inspired lots of thoughts/thinking. I make no promises about how long I'll be around on the interwebs, but for now, I think it's safe to say welcome back to Thoughts from SarahPee.

2010-04-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Resurrection

2010-04-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

An inspiring piece by Rob Bell. (click the link to watch the movie)

Jesus is standing in front of the temple in Jerusalem, the massive gleaming brick and stone and gold house of God and he says, "Destroy this temple and I’ll rebuild it in three days." The people listening to him said "how are you going to do that? It took 46 years to build this temple!" But he wasn’t talking about that temple, he’s talking about himself. He essentially says, "listen, I’m going to be killed." That’s where this is headed, because you don’t confront corrupt systems of power without paying for it, sometimes with your own blood. And so he’s headed to his execution.

If you had witnessed this divine life extinguished on a cross, how would you not be overwhelmed with despair? Is the world ultimately a cold, hard, dead place? Does death have the last word? Is it truly, honestly, actually dark, and so whatever light we do see, whatever good we do stumble upon, are those just blips on the radar? Momentary interruptions in an otherwise meaningless existence? Because if that’s the case, then despair is the only reasonable response.

It's easy to be cynical, but Jesus says destroy this temple and I’ll rebuild it. He insists that his execution would not be the end. He’s talking about something new and unexpected happening after his death. He’s talking about resurrection.

Resurrection announces that God has not given up on the world, because this world matters. This world that we call home--dirt and blood and sweat and skin and light and water. This world that God is redeeming and restoring and renewing. Greed and violence and abuse...they are not right and they cannot last. They belong to death and death does not belong.

Resurrection says that what we do with our lives matters. In this body, the one that we inhabit right now, every act of compassion matters. Every work of art that celebrates the good and the true matters, every fair and honest act of business and trade, every kind word. They all belong and they will all go on in God’s good world. Nothing will be forgotten, nothing will be wasted. It all has it’s place

Everybody believes something, everybody believes somebody. Jesus invites us to trust resurrection, that every glimmer of good, every hint of hope, every impulse that elevates the soul is a sign, a taste, a glimpse of how things actually are and how things will ultimately be. Resurrection affirms this life and the next as a seamless reality, embraced, graced, and saved by God.

There is an unexpected mysterious presence who meets each of us in our lowest moments, when we have no strength and when we have nothing left. When we can’t go on we hear the voice that speaks those words, "Destroy this temple and I’ll rebuild it."

Do you believe this? That’s the question Jesus asked then, and that’s the question he asks now.

Jesus’ friends arrive at his tomb and they’re told "he isn’t here". You didn’t see that coming, did you? "He’s isn’t here, there is nothing to fear, and nothing can ever be the same again." We are living in a world in the midst of rescue, with endless unexpected possibilities.

"They will take my life and I will die," Jesus says, "but that will not be the end." And when you find yourself assuming that it’s over, when it’s lost, gone, broken and it could never be put back together again, when it’s been destroyed and you swear that it could never be rebuilt, hold on a minute. Because in that moment, things will in fact have just begun.

* * *

I watched this clip this evening, and God knows how much I needed it. I listened a few times, and realized how much more I would get out of it by reading it, so I decided to type it out as I listened. Then, after typing for about half an hour, I tried searching for the transcript, and realized that I could've saved time and just posted that. But I got so much out of this transcript, it was definitely worth it.

Psalm 62

2010-04-19T21:45:00.001-07:00

Only God can save me,

Lord, you are in control, help my in my need

and I calmly wait for Him

Father, help me be patient as I place my trust in you

God alone is the mighty rock the keeps me safe, and the fortress when I'm secure

I am weak, remind me of your unfaltering strength. Even when I feel steady, your ever present might aids me

I feel like a shaky fence or a sagging wall

Build me up in faith, so that I may stand tall again. Thank you for the supports present in my life when I do waiver.

How long will all of you attack me?

Be with me in my struggle.

You want to bring me down from my place of honor

Help me remain stable and always humble, Lord.

You love to tell lies, and when your words are kind, hatred hides in your heart

Remind me of the truth, and do not let lies confuse or control me.

Only God gives me inward peace, and I depend on him.

Nothing I can do with my hands will bring me peace. Help me remember this, and help me keep you at the center of my search for rest.

God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe,

Guide me to turn to you first, Lord

and He is the fortress when I feel secure.

Thank you for the moments of peace and clarity, when Your Love is revealed to me.

God saves and honors me.

You redeem me. In all the ways I stumble and fall, You still help me pick up the pieces

He is that mighty rock where I find safety.

Lead me to the shelter of your arms when I need rest.

Trust God, my friends,

and always tell him each of your concerns.

God is our place of safety.

We humans are only a breath;

We do not live for the prizes of the world

none of us are truly great.

Remind me of our weaknesses, and of Your greatness

All of us together weigh less than a puff of air;

and yet I spend my days worrying

Don't trust in violence or depend on dishonesty or rely on great wealth.

You are the only thing we can rely on.

I heard God say two things:

"I am powerful, and I am very kind."

Remind my of these things this week, let your power and grace awe me.

The Lord rewards each of us according to what we do,

Thank you, Lord, for the blessings you have given me.

Lord, in your mercy, here our prayers.

(Psalm 62, CEV)

* * *

I frequently pray through the psalms, much like this prayer that I have just shared. I often struggle with what to say, how to say it, and my biggest distraction is, well, distraction. The Psalms are a tool that God has provided for us to continue to be centered on Him.

I don't believe you can pray the 'wrong thing'. My most common prayer that I say hundreds of times of day is a simple whisper of His name. Lord. He knows what I need, he knows where my thoughts are. I also tend to use songs as a prayer. My favorite line is Lord in your mercy, hear our prayers. I have formed the habit of ending almost every prayer with this line.

Another lesson I've learned while praying through the psalms is sometimes you DON'T have to say anything. Repeating things someone else said is totally fine, cause God knows exactly what you mean.

Do what you can do, try new things to find what works. The most important thing is to just pray, no matter what form it takes.

New post over at Sproductions!

2010-04-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

Check it out

2010-04-01T08:22:00.001-07:00

If grace is an ocean,
We are all sinking.

Having Peace

2010-03-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone has seen tragedy. Haiti, 911, the Holocaust... Few of us have faced such depth as tragedy as those listed, however, some form of strife has made it's way into all of our lives. For some it is the death of a loved one. For other, it may be a health related crisis. Others will face divorce or other personal trauma.

Tragedy comes as a part of life -- non-Christians and Christian alike. Details may vary, but the experience does not.

I have asked many times over life whether it's possible to have peace in the world we live in. Some people would say that peace is impossible, an ideal that we can work toward but never obtain. I, on the other hand, think that peace is entirely possible. Through experience though, I think that it can be difficult to acheive, and we usually seek it in the wrong way... Here are 3 suggestions I can make.

1. Understand that God is here
There are tons of 'God' bumper stickers out there, and there's one that I've seen that says "Know God, Know Peace. No God, No Peace". This is totally true. Without acknowledgement that there is a God, we will not have peace. That's why it's called the "peace of God" or "God's peace" in the Bible. At this moment, I can't explain it, but all I know is that "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart".

2. Understand that God is aware
Jesus made a remarkable statement concerning this incredible attribute of the awareness of God in Matthew 10:29... Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. Honestly, God did not create this world and then turn His back on it; His is aware of what is going on, and we are alone in the struggles we are facing. He rejoices when he sees good, love and beauty. It breaks His heart when He sees strife; war and hatred, what we have done to this world.

3. Understand that God cares

Okay, so there's a God, but that's not enough to bring us peace. He's aware of what is going on., but still... Is that enough to bring peace in my life? A big tipping point for me is to know that God cares.

Not only is he with us, He knows us. He knows who each one of us is, and knows everything about us. He knows the numbers of hairs on each of our heads* and knows our every want and need. If He cares about the hairs on our heads to that degree of detail, I feel confident that He knows everything about us in all ways. David got it write when he wrote "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me"

If we are going to have peace in our lives it will only be when we genuinely realize that God not only knows whats best for us, but that He wants what is best for us. And then we have to take that belief and act upon it. We must step out in faith knowing that God is rooting for us and that He knows what He's doing.

Too often we second-guess God. It's almost like we say "Okay God. I love you, and I know you are in fact God. I know you are The Creator and the Ruler of the entire freakin' universe, but, I think in this case, I actually know the better thing to do." And so we do what we think is best and then when it all falls to pieces, we wonder what went wrong. It's funny that sometimes we look back and say, "Darn, if only I had done what God had wanted me to do..." God cares, and He sees a much bigger picture than we do (kinda like someone else I know--shout out!).

The life of a Christian isn't all quiet and contemplative. We face turmoil and trouble just like anyone else. But the wonder of it all is that, in the midst of all the troubled life that is crashing loudly around us, we can have peace! With the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we can experience peace on a level that defies humans understanding (check out Philippians 4:7).

It means we can experience God's peace in our church. It means we can experience God's peace in our homes, even between parents and siblings. It means we can experience God's peace out in the world. Really, it means that we can experience God's piece in our hearts. It doesn't mean that any of these places are going to be perfect, but it means that in spite of that, we can have peace. Because true peace doesn't come from us, or anything the world can offer us - it comes from God.

*(side note: I've always wanted to ask...)

Snack time!

2010-03-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

Best thing about having my wisdom teeth pulled?

Finding new foods.

I've tried a lot of stuff the last week, including baby cookies (pretty darn good).

But, today I came across the best snack ever. Taken from an old classic, with a bit of a spin, I introduce...

PEANUT BUTTER N' JELLY MUSH!

Its a sweet, no chew substitute for the toasted alternative!

And it's super easy!

All you need is:

Toast (variable quantities)

Peanut Butter (variable quantities)

Jam (variable quantities)

Butter (variable quantities)

You put all of said ingredients into a blender and spin away! Make sure to mix a few times, to make sure all pieces of toasts (especially the crusts) have been completely crumbled.

After that, scoop out of blender, and enjoy!

Stay tuned for possible spinoffs of this little mixture... I'm thinking frozen PBJ snackers...

Not one word has failed

2010-03-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

I sit here on the couch* beneath piles of books on Theology. Books by CS Lewis, NT Wright, Max Lucado, Brennan Manning, Rob Bell, as well as other various assorted books on subjects that are too theological for my small brain to even begin to comprehend. I'm not really reading all these books... I've read some of them, and others I've attempted to read.

I am sitting here, chatting with people and working on other blog posts while pondering how wonderful God's mercies and promises are. I am constantly being reminded of how wonderful His love is for me and how beautifully it encompasses my very being.

"Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave" 1 Kings 8:56

Recently I went through my Bible, reading all the different notes and papers that were nestled inside of it. A few things caught my eye...things that I wrote down in times when I had hit rock bottom, things that I had clung to with all my life in hopes of understanding the depth of God's Love for me and His purpose in everything that had happened.

I remember sitting down and writing on a piece of paper "What is God doing with me? Where is He in all of this? How does He see anything positive coming from me after this? Is this the end?"

These thought had consumed me for a long time as I tried to figure out the tangle of life. I felt alone, like there was no one who could understand me. Flipping through the pages once more I came across this note :
5/3/2005
Claiming the Promises of Ruth
-Childless, Widow, Moved to a new land
Met her husband and together they began a family that was the predecessor for something amazing.

When I wrote that, I was at a turning point, a place where God gently held me in His hands and reminded me that things will be better. And while hope fades in and out for me, His promises stay pure, stay true. He never waives in His mercy and love for us. He never fails. He never forgets.

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I am reminded ever so gently and constantly that a) God has a purpose for my life b) God is the restorer and sustainer of my joy and c) God's promises stand true. Just a random post to voice how much I am in love with God lately.

*location changes, depending on what other things I'm doing at the moment.

Wisdom Teeth

2010-03-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

I like wisdom.

I'm quite fond of it.

I'm fine with wisdom teeth, too.

You can almost see 'em back there!

That is...

Until they're gone.

And your face swells so much you can't eat.

And you go stir crazy from sitting on the couch,

Watching daytime TV all day, looking like you got beat up

and eating liquefied food.

Sigh.

(I've been out for the past few days with wisdom teeth removal.

The healing process is quiet annoying. It's getting frustrating.

But, things are getting better! Yay for drugs!)

Random

2010-03-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, this is pretty darn random, but I am amazed.

Shirt folding in 2-seconds. Like, seriously, it works. I think folding laundry will be much easier and much more amusing.

I've heard it in the chillest land

2010-03-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

This evening...

2010-03-03T22:19:00.001-08:00

Just in case you don't check often...

My art blog has been updated!

An Update

2010-02-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, well.

Good evening.

I intended my last blog post to be an update on life n' things. It wasn't, really.

So hopefully this one will be!

Things that are going on in...

School

Grad. Lots of talk about it, assemblies, money being spent.
Applying for university. Straight up scary.
Report card. End of term rush to bump up the grades.
Musical. My school is doing 'Fame' this year. I'm not involved, but my friends are.
Booster Juice. Now being served on Thursdays. So awesome.

Home

Messy room. This seems to be a reoccurring theme for Tori and I. What a shame.
Excess of books. Why do we have so many 'Nancy Drew' and 'Hardy Boys'? Can we get rid of them yet?
Strange mix of good and bad food. Some days the fridge rocks, other days, not so much.
TV. Olympics is the thing right now. My sister has the hots for The Flying Tomato.
Chores. I owe my parents money.

Employment

*crickets chirping*
sigh.

Personal

Bought a grad dress today. Next is getting my date a suit. Awesome.
Babysitting a lot. Love hangin' with the kids.
Helping out around church. Particularly with the Middle School Kids. So amazing.
Sleeping is hit and miss lately. Some nights its good. Others its bad. Haven't figured out a pattern yet.

And that is what is goin' on with me, peeps.

What's new with you?

To Break the Silence

2010-02-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

So funny story. When I started writing this morning, it was just going to be an intro into a different post. But it kinda flowed. Maybe it's because I'm half asleep and so writing 'poetry' is easier than full/complete sentences. But... It's honest and straight from the heart. 2 minutes of typing as I shivered from the cold breeze coming through the window. Hope it's worth something to you.

I haven't posted in awhile.

I haven't written in a longer time.

I don't know why.
No words are with me in this moment.
No thoughts are exactly strong enough to break through the wall.
What fed me in the past? The need to understand.
The yearning to know, to feel, to be.
I wrote about hope when I lost mine.
I wrote about strength and love when I needed some.

Things are different now.

This is not to say that I don't struggle; I do.
This is not to say that I know it all; I don't.
This is to say I've lost the constant craving for something to help me.

In the past, I felt I had no where to turn in my desperation.
Sleepless nights left me hungry,
daily struggles left me empty.
I needed something to fill the void.

But now...

I am satisfied.
Not with the good stuff, but with the mediocre.
Not full to the top, just enough to keep me going.
I'm not desperate, so I'm not searching.

I don't question because I'm scared of losing.
I don't wonder cause I want at least this.
And maybe if I tried to continue untangling the mess that is life...
Maybe I'd just get wrapped in it again.

Content with what I've got.

Now I don't mean that I don't see the chaos.
I don't mean that I don't see there can be better.
I just mean that, through the years, I've tried and tried to get this far,
To unravel knots and weave a little security together out of what I've learned.

And finally, I've got some.
Finally, I have some stable footing, with a net to catch me.

But do I trust it?
If I keep climbing up this mountain, who's to say I won't fall?
To trust this net I've woven is like...
Well, I don't know, but I know that I don't like it.

So, why trust it?

Why don't I just stop, enjoy the view.
I've come this far, and that's fine with me.
Sure, I could go farther, but it's comfy here.
Kinda cozy actually.

And sure, maybe there's a reason I should keep pushing.
Maybe there's something special wrapped up in this tangle of life.
But for now, I'm happy with this ball of knots I'm holding.
It's special to me, almost 'cool' in the coolest sense of the word.

So why push?

I've written so many times not to stay content, to live with purpose,
But have I ever been content?
Maybe, as I unwrap this intricate weave of gnarled string,
It's wrapping itself around me.

It's nice here.

I'm content.

Why strive for more?

A Firefly

2010-01-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

This was a peace of work I did a long time ago... Wrote it in my Grade 8 English class (4 years ago), a tribute to the Canadian poet PK Page. All of our poems were delivered to PK Page by our English teacher. We were allowed to write however we wanted. I decided to use images that PK Page used in her own poetry in my tribute to her.

You are like a firefly,

Taking the first steps into darkness alone,

Until others realize Your beauty and come to join you.

The light, shimmering from the dark,
The warmth you feel stirring inside.

You can hear the singing of Brazilian Natives,

As Your paintings bring a delightful taste to your mouth.

You unspoken words touch the soul,
Your voiced advice compels.

You have always been a gift from God.

A world traveller, some may say,
but maybe you have been wandering the Earth..

England

blew the top of your head off.

Australia

gave you all the words you needed while

Brazil

and Mexico left you speechless.

“The stars keep on shinning,
within and above.”

You suggest to the word to caress the Earth.
Polish the trees; Wash the streams.

You lead the way unnoticed by many,

While many follow you without noticing.

You will be asked
            “Where on Earth are you going?”
But while others are able to answer for you,
            You may not have an answer for yourself.

You are not part of a picture.
You are the picture.
            The picture that is part of a collage, part of something great.

You are like a firefly.
You are PK Page.

Sacrifice

2010-01-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Another piece of Creative writing that I did for my English class. We had to write from first person, and write on the topic of sacrifice. We also had to include at least 1 flashback... This is one of my favorites from this year.

The silence made me look up, and I saw 5 blurred faces staring at me. I couldn’t make out any detail, but I guess they were anxiously waiting to hear what I would say. I wrung my hands together, and opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Kathleen handed me a glass of water as I wiped the tears from my eyes; I looked at her and she nodded, assuring me that I could do this. Taking a sip, the coolness in my throat felt unfamiliar, and almost immediately I wished that I hadn’t swallowed, because now I had no excuse. I picked up Douglas, my stuffed monkey, and gave him a squeeze.

“I’ll do it.” The voice seemed distant, and unfamiliar, but it was my words all the same. The two lawyers turned to each other and started talking; Katie’s mother reached for my arm with a shaky hand, and quietly whispered “Thank you” as she tried to hold back tears. Immediately I flinched away from her touch, I couldn’t handle any thanks at the moment. Fears were bombarding my thoughts; my heart began to race as I realized what I had just gotten myself into. Kathleen, sensing the start of a panic attack, came over and crouched in front of me.

“This is what we’ve prepared for, Sarah,” she whispered to me, her eyes soft but determined. “We’ll finally be able to get him for all the pain he has put you through. Think of Katie, if you’re scared. Do this for Katie. This little girl needs you.” My grip around Douglas tightened. I knew exactly what Katie had been through, and I knew what would come next for her if this trial did not go through. My jaw set, and I knew what had to be done.

That night I tossed and turned in my bed as usual, but the nightmares were different. The dimly lit bedroom was replaced by a courtroom, and the rows of stuffed animals transformed into a jury. 2 years had passed since this scene, and still it troubled me. Although the setting was different, the monster was the same, haunting my thoughts both day and night.

I sat on a bench, and a lawyer stood in front of me. He asked me a question, but all I could do was blink. Behind him and to the left my uncle sat, staring at me. Pain shot through my body as memories seared through my thoughts. I cringed as each horrific memory hit me in a single instant. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, even though I needed to. Tears rolled down my cheeks as fell off the bench and curled into a ball. I couldn’t do what my lawyer had asked. Later that day, the judge explained to the court why there would be no sentencing, but all I could remember was ‘mistrial’ and ‘lack of evidence’

I woke up in a cold sweat. The day had come, the day I would face my tormentor one last time. I prepared myself for the day, changing into the clothes laid out on the chair and distractedly running a brush through my hair. The entire drive to the court house I clutched my monkey in my hands, telling myself that I would be brave, that I would do this for Katie. Walking from the car to the waiting room and then being led to the bench was all a blur. I just kept thinking of the little girl who needed me. I would sacrifice my comfort for her healing; I would get justice for our case.

I sat down on the bench, and Katie’s lawyer stood in front of me. He asked me a question, but all I could do was blink. My uncle was behind him, staring at me. My mouth went dry, and my insides curled into a knot. But I thought of Katie, took a deep breath, and then told the court what my uncle, my tormentor, had done.

Forgiveness: My findings during my stumbles along the rocky path

2010-01-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, merry new decade. Welcome 2010 (which is obviously pronounced 'twenty-ten', in case you hadn't heard). I want to start the new year off right, so I bring you this post! I'm not an expert in forgiveness, although I may be an expert in receiving forgiveness. In either case, these are my thoughts on this tough subject...

It's a choice
   Whether or not I feel like forgiving someone does not indicate whether I should forgive or not. Plain and simple, I always should. God commands it. I tend to wait for time to pass, or wait until I feel forgiveness, or until I just don't care anymore. That is when I usually forgive people. But it should (and doesn't) work like that. Through my experiences with forgiveness, the feelings tend to follow the choice.
   And, with that said, sometimes the feelings never come. But at least I'm trying to follow God's word.

It's for me
   I used to think that forgiveness was a gift I could give to someone. So I would hold back forgiveness, thinking that my wrongdoer would be anxiously waiting for me to dissolve their guilt for what they had done.
   So wrong.
   As it relates to human forgiveness, forgiving is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. By forgiving, I am releasing my bitterness, rage and anger (Eph 4:31) . I am going to have to want to forgive and I'll need to forgive in order to live the way God wants me to, not centered around the negative, but looking towards the One who gives us Joy.

It's not a one time deal
   Forgiving is a daily choice. Actually, it's more like a second-ly choice. Just as my choice to be a follower of Christ is a constant decision. I'll make the choice to forgive someone not once, but daily. And if I stumble, I always have the choice to continue forgiving. And, I have to continue to forgive, even if I don't feel like it.

These thoughts apply not only to forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves too. A lot of the time, for me, forgiving myself is a lot harder than forgiving others. And, in my opinion, there's no better place to practice forgiveness than internally.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

So, honestly, I have meant to post multiple times over the last few days....

I had some post ideas for Christmas Eve, and I wanted to get some down, but that never happened.
Same story for Christmas, and then Boxing day.

Amazingly enough, the same story is going today. Got many things to say, but don't have the mind right now to put 'em together. Too much candy, video games, turkey, lack of sleep... All good times.

But I do have one thing for you... As is my traditions, I make a gingerbread house on Christmas Eve. I really love the finicky details and repetitive, tedious little tasks that go into making a gingerbread house. You may remember last year and my church... This year I wanted to do something a bit different... I brained stormed a few ideas, and came up with my favourite 2... A drug bust, and a nativity scene. I was excited, because ?I had 2 gingerbread houses, and I'd be able to be reflective on the season and also just comical and have some fun... And then my dog ruined it all. She ate one of my gingerbread houses.

So then I had to choose between the 2... This is what I came up with...

Create a Free Slideshow

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and I will be sure to post again soon!

Power

2009-12-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

It strengthens me, knowing you think of me every day. I feel your care and concern in every part of my life. I'm not always appreciative or kind enough to you, but you always greet me with open arms. My silliness somehow makes you laugh, my problems make you cry, and my successes please you more than I.
It seems as though you are an answer to the prayers of my soul, a kindred spirit directed here to lighten my load. You comprehend me even when I can't fathom myself, and decipher my every glance or grunt. You know me better than I know myself, and the love you give me bolsters my bleeding self-image.
I could never deserve you or thank you enough for the godsend you are in my life.
I've lost track of how many times you've showed me the way, and it is through your steadfast efforts to show Gods love that I brave each harrowing day.

There is a sacredness in tears: they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving

Renewal

2009-12-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

Here's another piece of creative writing from my english class... This one piece had to have a theme of renewal. Not a favourite of mine, although it makes me smile all the same.

    The nights were growing longer; the cold was seeping into my bones. My senses were hibernating and my soul had shriveled. It is like I was frozen under a lake, able to see through but unable to touch anything, cut off from reality and slowly losing the energy to stay at the surface. Colors had faded, sounds were only echoes; the world around me was dull. I kept wondering each night if it would finally be the last time I fell asleep with the weight pressing on my chest. Passively I went through the motions each day, only to collapse each night and wake the next morning.
    I continued on, trudging through the mud of life, barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Exhausted, my steps faltered and I stumbled. The streets were cold and the hard ground below me provided no comfort or reprieve from the despair. My eyes fluttered shut and I drifted off, finally free from my bondage.
    I woke up in a room of white. Warmth had spread through me, and the world around me was alive and busy. I sat up, and a lady walked towards me.
    "Ah, you’re awake” she said, picking up a chart from the end of my bed. “Glad you’re feeling better. Police brought you in last night—It was a cold one out there. Do you have a place to stay, sir?” I shook my head slowly, ashamedly looking down at my hands. They looked odd; filthy, calloused hands resting on crisp sheets of white. The nurse left me, and I was alone with my thoughts
    Suddenly I sensed someone watching me. I looked around, and saw a little girl one bed over.
    “Hi Mister!” she exclaimed enthusiastically before jumping down from her perch and coming to stand beside me. Her parents were nowhere to be seen "My name is Daisy. How long have you been here for? I just got here this morning, but I come here a lot.” I gnawed on my bottom lip before I told her that I had been there for the night.
    “Oh, did you have dinner here? Whenever I stay in the hospital they always have really bad dinner, but I always like dessert. It’s hard to screw up ice cream, in my opinion.”
    I laughed, surprising myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed. I asked the young girl why she was here.
    “Well, I have leukemia. I come to the hospital every few days for a check-up. When I’m not in the hospital though, I do lots of other things. Mom and dad are letting me skip school for the rest of the year before my time comes. Doctors think I have six or seven months.”
    I didn’t know what to say to her, was embarrassed that I even asked. I had not expected her to be so openly honest when I had inquired to her stay. I wondered how she could be so alive when she was so close to death. I sat there, trying not to stare at her, but unsure of what to say next.
    “I know it’s scary…” she said quietly, playing with the weave of the blanket on my bed, “But I try not to let it beat me. I don’t have time to be sad or scared. That would be a waste of time. Quite literally.” Instantly she was the bubbly excited girl again, and began talking about her best friend’s birthday party that was coming up.
    Eventually, the girl’s parents returned, and they laughed when they realized their daughter had made a new friend. I told them that she was a very sweet girl, and noticed the tears in their eyes as they looked at their daughter, who had skipped down to the next patient to say hello. A short while later the nurses released me, with directions to a local shelter. I stepped outside into a crisp breeze, the cold weaving its way through my clothes and tickling my skin. I looked around at the people hurriedly walking down the street, bundled up from the chill. I turned down the street, following a path of orange and red leaves, left over from the trees. And then, with the sun shining through the fluffy winter clouds, I saw a little white flower, growing up through a crack in the sidewalk. I bent down to pick it, and then stopped myself. Smiling, I walked on, deciding to let the daisy live out its life.

Tattered clothes

2009-12-16T23:05:00.000-08:00

The young girl stared down at her muddy shoes and her tattered jeans that barely reached her ankles. She couldn't be picky about clothes anymore though; what money Joe was able to make went to more important things. She though about the last year, and the constant rumble of the bus eased her away from reality.

Grade 11 had started normally; friends were plentiful and life was busy. Between chores, homework, church and jobs around the community, Meredith had her hands full. September and Octorber passed by in a blur, nothing noteworthy grabbing her attention. In November though, some strange things began happening...

4 months later, life really started to change. Mid-March Meredith could no longer hide her secret; she was pregnant. Her parents were outraged and felt betrayed, her friends were suddenly distant. They all questions whether they really knew who their friend and daughter was. Meredith found herself to be the topic of conversation amongst the neighbors. She tried to tell people that she hadn't slept with her boyfriend Joe; she was saving herself for marriage. When she told her family about the man who had appeared to her... well, that made them doubt her explanations even more.

After 4 months of ridicule, Meredith couldn't stand it anymore. She was the outcast at school and the freak show in public. People started and pointed at her wherever she went. Joe was the only person who seemed to understand, although even her seemed to question the situation at times.

In June, one month before the baby was due, Joe and Meredith left town. Joe was born in Seattle and they were hoping to find sanctuary at his fathers' house. Unfortunately, they had no steady income and no transportation. About the only thing going for them was that Meredith was quite pregnant by this time, and many people helped them out because of her situation. Day-by-day the young couple got closer and closer to their final destination. Countless time over the journey they had lost their patience with each other, complained about sore backs, begged for change... Their lives had changed drastically over 8 months.

Finally they arrived in Seattle, and the city was more alive than they ever could have imagine. It was July 3rd, and it seemed as though the entire world had flocked to the city for celebration. Joe and Meredith had saved up a little money, but it was still no use; every available bed in the city was taken. Meredith was exhausted, and Joe's heart was aching at the sight of his girlfriend struggling. Finally, at a shelter on the edge of downtown, Joe was able to convince the manager to let them sleep in a hallway in their sleeping bags.

Halfway through the night, Meredith found herself in unbearable pain.She cried for her mom, for someone to help her through the ordeal. Scared, she prayed for God to keep her, and her son, safe for the night...

Suddenly the bus jolted to stop and Meredith was back in the present. She looked down at the sleeping boy in her arms, overcome with love for her small son. She knew that He was the Hope for her world.

It's not original, I know, writing a modern story of Jesus' birth. But, I often forget that Mary was a young girl, like me. And she went through struggles as she carried the Lord in her womb. I often forget that, although teens/unmarried women getting pregnant in today's society are not uncommon, it would have been a disgrace to Mary and her family for her to be pregnant outside of wedlock. What Mary and Joseph did was remarkable, and they were regular ol' mistake-making humans. Again, like me. Wow.

Each day this advent season, I stumble across another part of the advent story that totally floors me... Sometimes we have to take another look at the stories we think we know so well.

Vulnerable

2009-12-15T10:28:00.000-08:00