Sarcasmatron

The Final Borders Haul

2011-09-12T19:31:00.000-04:00

So as you probably know by now, Borders has finally closed, or at least is almost closed, by now. My local store's last day was last Thursday and I decided to pop my head in one last time on Wednesday. Pretty much everything else was wiped out but a few hundred books, and quite a few mangas surprisingly enough. DVDs, Blu-Rays, CDs and graphic novels were completely gone. I was quite shocked how quickly everything was gone because I had gone a week or so before and they still had quite a few Blu-Rays. Then when I went back for my second-to-last trip, they were down to about 15, 20 tops. By then, the only movie I was interested in getting was Die Hard. There were still a few DVDs here and there at that time, and I just about snagged the recent 10th Anniversary Edition of Audition for pretty cheap but held off, since I already own the previous release and if I were to upgrade it would be to Blu-Ray. But for the last visit, nothing of importance was left. Though, by that point they were getting rid of books by making them a $1 each so I managed to snag a few things of slight interest and one thing I was super-psyched at finding...though now I'm getting ahead of myself. I know I already posted a list last time but it kinda got buried under all that stuff so here's the final list:

Blu-Rays
Zombieland
Kick-Ass
Ong Bak 2
Inglourious Basterds
Crank 2: High Voltage
Tropic Thunder: Director's Cut
Dawn of the Dead (Original)
American Psycho
Die Hard

DVD
Knightriders
David Cross - Bigger and Blackerer

Books
My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black
My Year of Flops by Nathan Rabin
The Big Rewind by Nathan Rabin
You Might Be A Zombie from the Editors of Cracked.com
The Rough Guide to Cult Movies
Dreamseller by Brandon Novak with Joseph Frantz
Mr. Funny Pants by Michael Showalter
The Art of War for Dating by Eric Rogell
Countdown to Lockdown by Mick Foley
I Only Roast The Ones I Love by Jeffrey Ross
Tokyo Vice: An American Reporter on the Police Beat in Japan by Jake Adelstein
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim by Mark Twain and W. Bill Czolgosz
The War For Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter

Music
Mastodon - Live at the Aragon CD/DVD
How To Destroy Angels EP
Louis CK - Hilarious

Graphic Novels
RED by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja: Night Powers by Christopher Hastings

Miscellaneous
Fangoria Magazine Issue #305
Decibel Magazine Issue #82
Poster Hanger x4

I'm not 100% sure what the final total was for all this stuff. Looking at the receipts I kept track of (mostly the ones I used my debit card on), those only totaled up to $41. I know my first couple trips, where things were only about 30%-40% off, I spent about $40-$50 at a time, mostly buying movies and the occasional book. I'm going to guess my final tally was about $150 or so, which is pretty damn good considering what all I got. Hell, on the last trip where everything had to go, I only spent $6 on 4 books and 4 poster hangers. Sweet deal. One of those was the book I Only Roast The Ones I Love by comedian Jeffrey Ross. Oddly enough, throughout all the previous sales, I usually went straight to the Humor section for books since they had some of the biggest discounts and I really wanted to get some books to help out my stand-up comedy, yet I didn't see this book until the second to last day where it was the only humor-related book left (unless you count The Situation's book, where the only humorous thing about it is the fact that he can read, let alone write). Even though my style of comedy doesn't involve roasting people (not yet anyways), I still think it'll help me develop my style in the end.

There were a few disappointments, namely the fact that I waited so long for Chris Jericho's Undisputed to drop down more, only for it to get sold. And out of that frustration, I ended up buying Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown, only to realize they had a ton of copies in stock to the point that they still had like 30 of them left when they dropped all books down to $1. I only spent $10 on it but still. Also, there was still a copy of Nathan Rabin's The Big Rewind left by the end but considering it was already in the bargain bin to begin with and I only spent like $3 on it, I probably could have gotten it for like 50 cents or something. And for the longest time, there was still a copy of Michael Ian Black's My Custom Van left even though it was the first book I bought in the sale. I probably could have held out longer for that one but what the hell. All in all, I'm pretty glad with what I got. I've already gone through all my movies but now I have like 12 books to last me all through the Winter, probably longer considering how often I really read.

In other news, I recently hit my One Year Anniversary in doing Stand-Up Comedy this September 1st. I don't exactly consider it a full-year since the original location for Open Mics closed down a few months later and moved to Bowling Green, which I didn't want to drive to in the Winter, so I literally did nothing for those couple of months. But still, I started out a year ago and I'm still here and that's what matters. I believe I mentioned it in one of my previous blog entries but I've entered in the Best of the Midwest Amateur Comedy Competition on September 30th at Grumpy Dave's Pub in Bowling Green, so I hope to be celebrating my first year by making it a win, or at least making a name for myself. I plan to do something comedy-related in my next blog post, whenever that may be, so be on the lookout for that. Also, I went to last week's Smackdown taping in Toledo. I thought about doing a live report like I did with the live Raw show last year but I decided to hold that off in an article for the Freakin' Awesome Network, where I compare the live experience to the final televised product. Unfortunately, I haven't even started on it but it shouldn't be too hard to crank out. If I have tomorrow off of work (which I should), I'll probably have it done and it'll be up in the next few days.

And that's it for now because I have to drop a monster dook. Nash out!

Podcast. Also, why no podcasts?

2011-08-27T19:02:00.003-04:00

So, yeah, I realized I haven't updated this in about a month...because I'm lazy. Well, really I'm not, I just don't have much to show for it. For one, I've been focusing more on my comedy, but still just doing Open Mics (for now, more on that later). Also, I've kinda dropped the ball on my writing for the Freakin' Awesome Network. Though I have started a monthly feature called This Month In Metal, I've dropped the ball lately on my normal weekly feature Wrestling With Extra Sleaze. Even though I've only done it for about a month or two, I feel like I'm already burnt out on the subject matter, kinda like my friend who decided to write her college thesis on Nazi propaganda films and didn't quite realize "Hey, I'm going to be doing nothing but research on the worst people that ever lived for the next few years." Only with me, it was like "Hey, I'm going to be nothing but watching the worst wrestling that's ever wrestled...even though I've been doing that already, but now I have to write about it!" Obviously, I haven't been able to update this here blog and therefore I decided to shut down (or at least un-publish) the Facebook page for it so, if you haven't already, "Like" my Writing/Comedy page if you want to continue getting updates. Also, my chances to go to GenCon this year and become an extra for The Avengers movie fell through, so there's that.

And now, podcasts. I have actually recorded a couple podcasts of my own but didn't feel like they were good enough to be released. Basically I had just recorded myself ranting about nothing in particular...twice. So for the time being, I'm going to hold off on doing more podcasts until I can settle on a format that's entertaining. But until then, there is a podcast I did make an appearance on that I can plug... I made a recent appearance on my buddy Steve Wherry's Comedy Podcast this past week. I feel like podcasts usually come off better when I'm not talking to myself, so here I am with a few other comics. For my own podcast, I'm debating recording my stand-up sets and posting those but haven't completely decided. But as for my future possible career in comedy, I do have a major contest coming up. There's no Facebook event page I can link to yet but I can give you some details. If you're in the Bowling Green area, the Best of the Midwest Amateur Comic Competition will be at Grumpy Dave's Pub (above the Easy Street Cafe) on September 29 at 9:30. I'll be in a pool of 15 other comics and I know half of them, who I know are very funny, so my competition will be stiff.

So what else have I been doing other than comedy? Well...STORE CLOSINGS BOOYAH!!

As you might have heard, all Borders locations are closing. A few months ago, they had closed a few locations but the Toledo one was safe...until recently when the company wasn't able to get anyone to buy them out so they had to close all locations. It's been a few weeks but currently the sales are up to 50% to 70% off. I've been there like five times within the past few weeks so I'm probably going to be missing a few things and some of them I think I mentioned on my last podcast but here's the complete haul (so far):

Blu-Rays
Zombieland
Kick-Ass
Ong Bak 2
Inglourious Basterds
Crank 2: High Voltage
Tropic Thunder: Director's Cut
Dawn of the Dead (Original)
American Psycho
*Fun Fact: I actually previously owned all those movies on DVD (save for maybe Ong Bak 2 but I do have that on a burned DVD). Yup, I became one of those people.

DVD
Knightriders
David Cross - Bigger and Blackerer

Books
My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black
My Year of Flops by Nathan Rabin
The Big Rewind by Nathan Rabin
You Might Be A Zombie from the editors of Cracked.com
The Rough Guide to Cult Movies
Dreamseller by Brandon Novak with Joseph Frantz
Mr. Funny Pants by Michael Showalter

Music
Mastodon - Live at the Aragon CD/DVD
How To Destroy Angels EP
Louis CK - Hilarious

Also, I got an issue of Decibel and an issue of Fangoria. I don't know how much money I've spent so far, but on my last two trips, where I got roughly half of that list, I only spent like $75. So I'm guessing maybe like $100 or $125 for all that swag. Pretty good so far, but I have been spending more money than I should be so hopefully once Borders finally closes, all this crap will hold me over through the winter.

Also, I bought DJ Hero 2 for the Wii for $10, game AND turntable. And I'm actually having a ton of fun with it right now. I like it a lot more than the Guitar Hero series but that's not saying a whole lot considering the GH franchise went downhill fast. But a part of it might like it better than the Rock Band series as well. My lack of musical talent forces me to play video games with plastic instruments to get the illusion of playing music, but I can't quite fool myself into thinking I'm doing more than pushing buttons in time to the rhythm. However, with DJ Hero 2, I do get the feeling that I'm mixing together a track when I'm doing it right. It was kinda weird that I played it at first and was only getting like 2 or 3 stars on each track, so I didn't play it for a few days, but when I picked it back up suddenly I was getting 4 or 5 songs on each track. There was no gradual improvement, I just suddenly went from being eh to being awesome. It just seemed to come to me. So if you have a chance, I definitely recommend DJ Hero, at least the sequel as I haven't played the first one, even if you already have too many plastic instruments.

PS - Watch Party Down.

Sarcasmatron Audio Time Go! #4 - Birthday Bad Movie Blowout Bonanza

2011-07-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

Wa-hey! I have a podcast! I believe it's the longest one I've done thus far (on my own, at least) but really it's just me talking about what movies I've acquired recently. Most of them suck. But I also got my own Blu-Ray player so I talk a bit about how that's only going to make my movie buying habits even worse. Also, I checked out Captain America: The First Avenger and gave it a mini-review.

So here it is!

Download Link (Right Click - Save As)

A few things before I go:

I did decide to take a trip to Borders this morning (as the podcast was recorded yesterday) but didn't get a whole lot. Deals on books are pretty "meh" right now. On average, most of them are only 20% off, some are 10% while a few are 30% but that's all. So really, if you take into account the markup that Borders normally puts on their stuff, chances are you could still get the same thing for cheaper off of Amazon. Surprisingly enough, Blu-Rays were 40% off while DVDs were only 20% off. I'm thinking they must want to get rid of them quickly, especially considering they don't have a whole lot to begin with. So that brings the average Blu-Ray disc down to about $20 right now, but I managed to snag Zombieland for $15. Sweet. Here's what I got from my first Borders haul:

Zombieland on Blu-Ray
Knightriders on DVD
My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black
Latest issue of Decibel magazine

Total: $41

Not too shabby but I'm going to wait a week or two before I go back. There were still a few things I wanted but not really worth paying that much for, even with the current discounts.

Also, I got my Amazon order today, which was the International Cut of Red Cliff on Blu-Ray, which I believe I said was 4 hours long on the podcast but the sticker on it says 5 hours (yikes!), and Writing Movies For ~~Fun And~~ Profit by Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant. So now I own books written by over a quarter of the cast from The State. Could've been more had I picked up Michael Showalter's book at Borders today but I'll pick that up later if they still have it.

Finally, I'm thinking about deleting the Facebook page for Sarcasmatron. Considering my Writing/Comedy page also posts links to the blog and much more, having a page just for the blog is kinda redundant and dumb. I realize there's only like 5 of you who have liked the Sarcasmatron page and not my Writing/Comedy page so if you want to keep up to date on the blog and my writing stuff (as well as comedy appearances if you're in the Toledo/BG area), then I suggest you make the move to my other Facebook page. I have it linked in the sidebar but just in case I don't, here's a link instead.

Have a fun!

Song Credits
Intro Song: Dying Fetus - Schematics
Outro Song: Alan Menken - Star Spangled Man

Content Free July?

2011-07-02T15:52:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of podcasts recently...or anything really. That is unless you've frequented the Freakin' Awesome Network where I've been continuing my Wrestling With Extra Sleaze column. But other than that, I haven't done a damn thing, and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better for the rest of this month here at Sarcasmatron. Last week, I didn't feel like doing much at all. No podcasts, no stand-up comedy, no nothing. And now it seems like what free time I have to write or do whatever (namely the weekends) is being taken up by other things. For instance, this weekend, I'm not even doing anything for the July 4th holiday. However, I will be house/dogsitting for friends and I don't really feel comfortable writing on other people's equipment. Hell, I barely get motivated to do it on my own equipment. Then next weekend, not only will it be my birthday but I'll also be attending the Glass City Con here in Toledo, which I may be covering for FAN as well. Then the weekend after that, I'll be heading to Cleveland with a few members of the V1kM crew as they'll be filming scenes for The Avengers there. They're actually having a casting call too so we may end up in the movie, even if it just as random extras for a crowd scene. Still, either way it should be fun. But after that, things should be settled down and hopefully I'll have some podcasts ready to go at least. That's it for now, gotta go watch a dog.

PS - RIP Random Hero

A Podcast That Isn't Mine But I'm On It So There

2011-06-16T20:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of podcasts lately. Usually the only chance I have to record are weekends and though I could have recorded one, I was having a depression pity-party and didn't feel like doing much of anything. And this weekend I probably won't have a chance to record a podcast since I will be away visiting family at home. But (un)luckily for you, you won't remain podcast-less tonight as I made a guest appearance on the Steve Wherry Comedy Podcast, which was recorded last night.

Here ya go, bastids.

So...that's it. I'm lazy.

Sarcasmatron Audio Time Go #3 - Skanxxx

2011-06-05T10:45:00.000-04:00

Podcastamania is runnin' wild! Whatchu gonna do?!? Umm...how about listen to them, maybe? Just a suggestion. Anyway, it's been a little crazy with the podcasts lately. Not only have I recorded two within a week but I also made a guest appearance on another one. First of all, here's the topics of discussion for Episizzode Number Three:

-Zany madcap misadventures following recent Open Mic Comedy Nights, including encounters with drunk girls of various ages. Unfortunately, this sounded a lot better in my head. I really don't have much of a social life.
-Trippin' balls on Excedrin Extra Strength. Yeah, I am that much of a lightweight.
-Mini-Review of X-Men: First Class (***SPOILER*** - Just go see it right now!)

Get a contact buzz (Right Click, Save As)

Also, here's my appearance on the Steve Wherry Comedy Podcast (again, Right Click, Save As) recorded after Open Mic Comedy Night this past Wednesday. A word of warning: the entire thing is an hour and a half long and gets pretty loud and crazy at times due to random people walking in. Also, if you want to hear what we were working with on the drunk-girl front, just fast-forward to the last 10-15 minutes.

Credits
Intro Song: BrokenCyde - Poppin
Outro Song: X-Men Animated Series Theme

Sarcasmatron Audio Time Go! Episode #2 - Almighty Thorgasmatron

2011-06-02T21:23:00.000-04:00

'Sup? Episode #2 of the podcast all up in the hizzy...or something. I still sound like crap, but now I sound even worse because I recorded this while not feeling well. I tried to cut this down a bit more to prevent rambling but that didn't quite work. I still rambled and it's only maybe like 5 minutes shorter. I talk about a lot less this time. My topics this time have been reduced to:

-Breaking my "No Buying Video Games Until Saints Row 3 Comes Out" oath (PS - Release date is now Nov. 15 bitches!)
-An anti-GameStop rant
-A review of the SyFy Original Movie "Almighty Thor" from The Asylum

Have at thee. (Right Click, Save As)

And that's about it. Anyway, here's the links I was talking about:

Goozex - For all your video game/DVD trading needs. (Don't forget to add "TheRyno665" as a referral friend whatever thing if you join so I can get me some free trade tokens.)
The Backloggery - Registration starts TOMORROW!

And just for the hell of it, even though they're already in the sidebar:

Freakin' Awesome Network - I write shitty articles about shitty wrestling. Sometimes they get warnings from the Editor. I feel special.
My Facebook Page - Alerting any and all fans to blog posts, podcasts, articles and stand-up comedy appearances that I make.

Even though I felt like crap recording this one, I feel quite energized after putting this one together. I may be posting quite a bit more podcasts in the near future. First of all, I'll be making a guest appearance on The Steve Wherry Comedy Podcast after recording one last night after an Open Mic Comedy Show. And I won't quite go into it here but if I have the time this weekend, I'm definitely going to regale you of the recent shenanigans that have gone down after recent Open Mic sessions, especially last night. You won't want to miss it. Believe me. If you do, you'll get scabies.

Credits
Intro Song: Crystal Castles vs The Klaxons - Atlantis To Interzone (Remix)
Outro Song: Amon Amarth - Across The Rainbow Bridge

Sarcasmatron Audio Time Go Episode #1 - The Macho Man Appreciation Station

2011-05-28T10:29:00.000-04:00

Well, it took a little while but here it is: my first podcast. I probably could have had this up a few days ago but I procrastinated a bit. All I really had to do was edit in some music and upload it, a process that should only take about a few hours, but I stretched it out over the course of a few days. Yeah, I'm lazy. As you'll figure out pretty quickly, I've never really done this on my own before so PLEASE leave some sort of feedback as to how I can make this better. I realize it's kinda all over the place and I do stumble on my words quite a bit so I need to know what I can do to not suck. Anyway, the topics for my first episode:

-Stupid Therapists
-(Not) Buying Video Games
-A Tribute to the Macho Man Randy Savage
-Upcoming Superhero Movies

A few corrections before I post the link: I mentioned that Randy Savage passed away "this past Friday" since I recorded this last Sunday. But since I'm now posting this on Saturday, technically that's not true. Whatever. Also, I call the Ultimate Warrior "crazy". I'd like to apologize for that a bit since he put up a very touching tribute to Savage on YouTube after his death. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's crazy, but at least he's redeemed himself a little bit.

I debated whether or not I wanted to put this on a legit podcasting site. I wanted to upload it to Podbean but their free service doesn't offer nearly enough storage space. The next step up was only $5 a month but I figure I better play it safe and see if this takes off before I start throwing money into it. So for now, I'm hosting it on blip.tv along with my Sarcasmatron @ The Movies podcasts. If people catch on and listen to it (and I can afford it), I'll move it to a dedicated site.

Download Link (Right Click, Save As)

Credits
Intro Song: Agoraphobic Nosebleed - Forgotten In Space (Voivod Cover)
Outro Song: Edward Elgar - Pomp and Circumstance No. 1 in D Major

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

2011-05-17T19:09:00.001-04:00

It's been about a year and a half (give or take a few months) since I've started this blog. And though I haven't exactly tried my hardest (especially late), I've still been kinda disappointed in my efforts of becoming a T-List semi-star Internet critics. I mean, I figured I'd at least be invited to one of The Cinema Snob's coke parties or an orgy at TGWTG's headquarters. Just kidding. But seriously, I started this blog to get noticed and to have a voice. I know there's an audience out there that thinks this sort of inane rambling about nerdy shit is funny, but I still haven't found it. I've gotten a decent amount of hits but as far as I know, they're all from people I tell to read my stuff, which I don't like doing. Considering a good 90% of the feedback I've gotten from people have either come from a friend who is currently in Basic Training and a friend who is traveling across the UK, it's hard to tell if I'm doing anything right, wrong or even remotely interesting and readable. So I've been thinking a bit about what to do to help rejuvenate my interest in writing my own damn blog and getting my name out in the world. As a great man once said "Enough is enough, and it's time for a change." And if you'll read on, it looks like I have plenty.

Change #1 - I've actually started writing for another upstart website. Here's the short story - The main forum/message board I frequent on the Internet is the one for Wrestlecrap.com. However, late last year, due to some internal struggle or whatever inside information that I'm not privy to and/or don't really care about, Wrestlecrap and the forum kinda split away from each other. Honestly, I never thought it was that big of deal, since Wrestlecrap was only being run by like 3 or 4 people, and thus we were only really losing those 3 or 4 people. We still had a pretty tight community. However, we didn't have our own website. We were just a forum floating around in the ethers of the Internets, pretty much associated with a website that we're not affiliated with anymore. So, the main guys that were left running the forum put their minds together and ended up creating the Freaking Awesome Network (or FAN for short), which is (so far) a collection of articles, essays, reviews, interviews, what-have-youse from some of the forum-goer. It officially launched last week but I wanted to wait until I had settled on a final decision to make an announcement...which coincidentally came on the same day that my article was posted. Yeah, I'm an ass.

Anyways, I'm going to be writing a series of articles entitled "Wrestling With Extra Sleaze", showcasing some of the seedier elements of professional wrestling. I've started with an episode of WEW (Women's Extreme Wrestling) but considering that I have over 40+ episodes of this particular show on DVD to review, I haven't quite decided if I'm going to be doing them one-by-one in a row or what. But trust me, I have plenty of other things to review that falls in this category. But because of this, I will be devoting much of my writing to FAN and not so much Sarcasmatron anymore. That's not to say that I won't be writing on Sarcasmatron, I still have a few ideas for reviews or articles that might not necessarily work for FAN, but I need to focus on something and I've lost my focus here. I don't know if FAN's going to blow up or not, but if it does, I want to be a part of it and say "I was there when it started". And really, much of my so-called "writing" has just been me rambling about random movies I've seen or things I feel like talking about. Which brings me to...

Change #2 - Podcasts. Yup, I'm doing them, thanks to the one person who voted with an "I Don't Care" in my last poll. Ass. Anyway, I felt kinda inspired when one of my stand-up comic buddies started a podcast of his own (The Steve Wherry Comedy Podcast, it's also on iTunes) and thought "Hey, I could do this." Then I thought "Hey, I'm kinda already doing this on my blog, only in text form that no one reads." And really, that's the main reason I'm going to revert to podcasts more often: Ease of use. It's much easier for you to just listen to me ramble about whatever in the background while you work on something important, work out or just work it to Internet porn (I won't judge). And it'll be easier for me as well. I can just hit record, talk for a half hour or so, edit it a bit, upload it and be done with it in an hour or so instead of sitting in front of a computer screen all day stumped for a punchline. Right now, the plan is to record and edit the podcast over the weekend and upload it on Monday or Tuesday, probably. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks and already have the first few podcasts planned out, as far as content goes. It won't exactly be just me rambling about movies and wrestling or such, but instead each podcast should have a specific theme, at least at the onset. Much like just about everything I do, this will be an on-going work in progress.

As an aside, I think in an effort to get more writing on this site, but mostly an effort to lay the insane amount of video games I've left unplayed, I may do a monthly feature called "Game of the Month" or something. Basically, I'll just take one video game for the month and play that and only that (aside from random games of Puzzle Quest). It won't necessarily be a review but maybe a log of what I did when, if I was able to beat it, if I ragequit because I couldn't beat it, any random happenings and glitches that I thought were funny, whatever comes up. Trust me, I have plenty of games I need to play, but I'll probably only restrict this to the backlog of games for the Wii considering I don't have my own XBox 360 and thus won't be able to play a whole lot of those games. More details to come on that as I work on them.

Change #3 - This is more of a personal change than a website change but I should be coercing myself to do more with my stand-up comedy. Like I've said before, I don't really intend on having a serious career in stand-up comedy, but it is another creative outlet for me and another way to get my name out in the world. And, most importantly of all, it's about the only time I get out of my bedroom besides work and hanging out with my friends. I don't really go to many Open Mics as I should. I'd like to get footage of my performances for feedback purposes and to get them circulated a bit but the Open Mic shows haven't been recorded lately, and the only camera I have is the crappy 1 Megapixel one on my cell phone, so who knows what'll be up with that.

But I had a confirmed thought at a recent Open Mic a few weeks ago. I'd call it an "epiphany" but it's something I've been thinking about for a while now. Anyways, I did a routine that I thought was funny. And some of the comics and a few friends who showed up thought it was funny too. But the crowd as a whole didn't think so. It wasn't just me either, they were pretty silent for most of the other comics as well. So, I thought I was funny and a few people thought I was funny, which I was actually fine with, but since everyone didn't think I was funny, it didn't really matter in the long run. Needless to say, no one other than the 3 or 4 people I already knew wanted to talk to me after the show. This is a trend I've noticed throughout some of the more important aspects of my life too. When it comes to dating, I know I'm an awesome, funny and caring guy, but since other girls don't see that, it doesn't really matter what I think or do. When it comes to writing, I know I'm decent at it, but no one outside my group of friends reads it (and even then I'm not sure who actually does) so it doesn't really matter what I write. It's the old "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question. The answer isn't "Yes" or "No" but really "Who gives a damn?" All this time, I've been making noises alone in a forest. It's time I got people to start listening.

Oh yeah, to the first person who reads this (which will probably be me), congrats on being my 2500th viewer.

The Wrestlemania Podcast Experiment Plus Some Wrestling News

2011-04-17T20:10:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned before, Wrestlemania 27 was two weeks ago and I decided, with a bunch of the V1kM crew, that we would watch it and riff on it in podcast-form. This was nothing more than a hair-brained experiment, mostly because I don't really know if there's an audience that would want to listen to a bunch of nerds (some well-versed in wrestling, some not so much) talk about a 4-hour show they're watching that the people listening to can't even see. But hey, I guess it was worth a shot. To make it easier on you, the listener, I broke up the almost 4 hour recording into 5 easier-to-digest chunks, ranging from about 30-50 minutes each. But the recording itself isn't perfect. Far from it, actually. For starters, our buddy Will had the recording equipment but his tire unfortunately blew out on the way, so he didn't really make it until an hour and a half in. Luckily, he brought our stand-up comedian friend Jake with him, plus when Wrestlemania ended, there was a replay afterward so we just watched what they missed out on. So the podcast as a whole is kinda out of order. And as par for the course when it comes to V1kM podcasts, we get severely off track most of the time. In all honestly, Wrestlemania was just OK. I'd consider myself the biggest professional wrestling fan out of the group and I repeatedly lost interest throughout the show.

Anyway, enough talk. Let's get with the...well...talking. Here it is, us watching Wrestlemania 27 in its entirety.

Part 1 (Including CM Punk vs Randy Orton and Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler)
blip.tv link - Download Link (Right Click To Save)

Part 2 (Triple H vs The Undertaker)
blip.tv link - Download Link

Part 3 (Snooki-Mania, The Miz vs John Cena, Not-So-Final Thoughts and America The Beautiful)
blip.tv link - Download Link

Part 4 (The Rock Talks and Edge vs Alberto Del Rio)
blip.tv link - Download Link

Part 5 (Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes, 8-Man Tag, and Punk vs Orton again)
blip.tv link - Download Link

So there you have it. But Wrestlemania wasn't the only wrestling-related thing to happen lately. In fact, this past week has been kinda messed up. Not since the whole Chris Benoit incident has the wrestling business actually bummed me out this much.

For starters, I found out Monday that independent wrestler/manager "Sweet 'n Sour" Larry Sweeney had taken his own life after a long battle with bipolar disorder. Mostly seen as a wrestler in Chikara Wrestling and a manager in Ring of Honor, Sweeney was definitely one of the most charismatic guys on the indy scene, to the point where I would compare him to like a Bobby "The Brain" Heenan or a Jim Cornette for the Internet generation. Unfortunately, in recent years, Sweeney had started to stop taking his medication and his disorder got the best of him as he became visibly disheveled and would challenge fans to impromptu wrestling matches in parking lots. In 2010, it looked like he was getting his career and his disorder back on track as he made a few appearances in wrestling as the "Sweet 'n Sour" of old but obviously it was still a struggle that would end up overwhelming him. Not to try to compare my situation to his but as someone who struggles with depression (Dysthymic, to be exact), has contemplated suicide numerous times and had a friend who had also committed suicide, this particular death hits me pretty hard. But what hit me the hardest was the fact that he was only 29. I'm sure many of you don't even know who I'm talking about but Sweeney touched a lot of people, to the point where the news of his death was even trending on Twitter. "Sweet 'n Sour" will always live on, to me. Ain't no doubt about it, baby!

And soon after hearing that news, I found out that Edge was retiring as well. Since I was coming down from my post-Wrestlemania high of sorts, I didn't intend on watching Raw. That ended up being a mistake as I got online and found out that Edge was retiring out of the blue. I had always heard rumors that he was talking about it for a while but nothing so recent that I'd expect it to happen on Monday. I figure he would take some well-timed breaks and thought that guys like The Undertaker would retire before Edge, especially since he hasn't even hit 40 yet. But apparently, Edge had seen doctors earlier in the day and they told him that, due to complications from a broken neck years ago, he could easily become paralyzed or even killed if he continued wrestling. Of course, I was saddened mostly because it was so sudden, but now that the news has set in, I'm totally glad that he's willing to retire on top and, most importantly, with his health. I've kinda had a love/hate relationship with Edge. I thought he was awesome as he came up through the ranks but thought he kinda took the easy way up with the controversial relationship with Lita. I sided with Matt Hardy then but not so much anymore after seeing the kind of person he's become. In the end, Edge totally hit his stride by becoming one of the biggest heels in modern wrestling. But lately, I thought he was becoming a bit bland as a good guy, but mostly because he's just so good as a heel. In retrospect, I'm kinda kicking myself for taking him for granted recently. Still, Edge will go down as one of the greats in the history of the business.

And though it doesn't even compare to the previous two stories, I was also bummed to hear that Matt Cross was eliminated from Tough Enough on Monday as well. I kinda figured he wouldn't win but I thought he'd at least make it further than the second week. I guess it's not so much that he was eliminated that peeved me off but why he was eliminated. Cross was accused of not having charisma (which is debatable) but since he arguably has the most experience out of anyone (with the possible exception of the hot blonde chick from Puerto Rico), that shouldn't have mattered just yet. But the kicker was during the elimination process, where he asked "Stone Cold" Steve Austin permission to speak, much like you would in the military. But that cheesed Stone Cold off even more and he eliminated him on the spot. Think about that for a second. When compared to a prima-donna skank who disrespects the business by showing up late for practice and a general waste of space who has been nicknamed "Skidmarks", Matt Cross was eliminated for...having manners. That's right. "You're a kind and decent person. You don't belong in the wresting business!" What? I mean, from a reality television show standpoint, I kinda get it. If they're willing to eliminate arguably the most physically talented of the group this early on, then it tells the rest of the contestants to step up their game. Also, it shows that reality shows are definitely fake and probably scripted as all hell. But that's neither here nor there. I don't care if he's "too small" or "not charismatic enough", I think Matt Cross deserves a better chance to shine than 2 episodes of Tough Enough.

Anyways, that's it from me. I could talk about the news bit where a guy in Ohio wrestled while possibly having HIV, creating a lot of panic within the Ohio wrestling scene (which I'm not a part of because it only really exists in Cleveland and the Ohio Valley) but honestly, I'm too tired right now and I don't want to get into it. Plus I just watched Cabin Fever 2 so I'd probably confuse the two and accuse the guy of projectile-shitting HIV blood in the middle of the ring, and I don't want to do that.

Great sex, a perfect nap, or an amazing cup of coffee? Which 1 would you choose to have every day for the rest of your life?

2011-04-11T18:18:00.001-04:00

I sleep too much as it is and I don't really like coffee, so...

Ask me anything. No, seriously, anything.

My Blockbuster Closing Haul and the Insane Videogame Backlog

2011-04-10T15:18:00.001-04:00

I haven't had the chance to write about it lately but, for any long time followers of the blog, I love me some video store closings...as sad as that may sound when you factor in the people losing their jobs. It's been over a year since the Blockbuster near my apartment closed down, and since then, there's been a few other store closings. A few days ago, I was alerted that not one, but two, Blockbusters were closing down, leaving just one brick-and-mortar store (as far as I know) in the great city of Toledo. So I've made a few stops in between the two and here's what I managed to snag.

Trip 1, I went a bit crazy on, considering my roommates just called me up about this and I got there as soon as I could, grabbing a bunch of random stuff before they closed for the night.

X-Men: The Animated Series - Volume 1 - This was the only non-used DVD I bought, which is good considering I got 2 DVDs of the beginning episodes of one of my favorite childhood cartoons. In the years since then, the story holds up...but the animation doesn't exactly cut it anymore. But since this was Volume 1, I was kinda worried that I wouldn't get a full season, especially since cartoon DVDs have been guilty of this a lot lately. Not only is Volume 1 all of Season 1...but the first few episodes of Season 2 as well, which kinda makes me wonder why they didn't do season sets in the first place. Ah well.

Machete - Watching this right now as I type this up. Still just as fun as it was in the theater.

Piranha - I'm wondering how this will hold up not in 3D, especially since this was the most enjoyable 3D movie I've seen thus far.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - Been wanting to see this since I heard that it was directed from the guy who did House of the Devil, even though he doesn't want to admit it since the studio basically took the movie from him and re-cut it the way they wanted to.

Fireball - Here's the plot synopsis from the back cover: "Just released from a juvenile detention center, Tai joined Fireball, an underground team playing ultraviolent basketball based on Muay Thai principles and hosted by criminal drug lords that he believes are responsible for putting his twin brother in a coma." Yeah, I kinda had to get this movie after reading that.

Raging Phoenix - I came home from work one day to find my roommate watching this on Netflix. It's another Thai martial arts movie from the makers of the Ong Bak movies, The Protector and Chocolate. Raging Phoenix stars the girl from Chocolate (Alternate Title: Muay Thai Rainman) and the action in it is great, even though it alternates pretty rapidly between bad-ass realistic fighting and super-fake looking wire-work. But at least the main villain at the end is a hot chick with big boobs that fights in a bikini top. Yay!

District 13: Ultimatum - The sequel to District 13 (Alternate Title: Parkour The Movie), which I also saw bits and pieces of on Netflix. As long as there's dudes flipping off of buildings, it's sure to be a decent watch.

Trip 1 Total: $30

Trip 2 was to the other Blockbuster that was closing down, one that I didn't know existed. It was in a part of town I never go to, and for good reason: it was kinda ghetto. They also didn't have much of anything left, which was weird compared to the first Blockbuster that had a ton of stuff. But I did managed to snag a couple of movies.

Daybreakers - Been wanting to see this since it came out, especially since it offers a fresh take on the vampire genre that has since been hacked apart by the Twilight series. Plus, anything with Willem Dafoe in it is sure to be good, well unless he's watching Madonna fingerbang or getting his wang cut off...man Willem Dafoe is weird.

DOA: Dead Or Alive - My bad movie sense kicked in on this one, especially since it's a movie based on a video game where jiggly babes beat each other up. Bonus: Kevin Nash as a Hulk Hogan ripoff. Maybe he'll create a paradox and give himself the Fingerpoke of Doom.

Laid To Rest - It's been a while since I've seen a good horror movie. I've heard good things about Laid To Rest, but at every single movie store closing I've been to, I've seen it, picked it up and put it down. I wasn't going to let it happen this time.

Trip 2 Total: $10

Trip 3 was where I finally realized that I hate myself. You'll see why...

Jonah Hex - Yup, I now own one of the worst movies of 2010.

The Human Centipede - Yup, I now own The Human Centipede. Now you see why I hate myself.

Dead Snow - Nazi zombies. Need I say more?

Bitch Slap - Looks like it could be crap. But it also looks like it could be an exploitation version Sucker Punch. We'll see.

Death Sentence - I've been wanting to give this one a chance for a long time, though I've known nothing about it other than the cover, which shows a shotgun-wielding Kevin Bacon, and the fact that it was made by the creators of the original Saw (which was awesome before the series got the worst case of sequel-itis ever). But when The Cinema Snob recommended it during a recent review of Insidious (which the Saw guys also made), I picked it up. Even though it wasn't in a case, for less than a dollar it was kinda hard to pass up.

Ashes of Time Redux - I've heard the "Ashes of Time" title thrown around a bit but I don't know much about it. But again, it was in the dollar section so I snagged it.

WWE Backlash 2007 - Also in the dollar section, but it was the only wrestling related DVD I was able to find so I grabbed it without even knowing who even wrestled on the show. Just watched it last night/this morning and it wasn't bad but not memorable in the slightest.

Trip 3 Total: $12

So, 17 DVDs for around $50. Not a bad haul at all. However, I've been going totally crazy snagging video games up too. And honestly, I don't know why because there are a ton of other games I own that I haven't even come close to finishing. But lately a ton of games I wanted have come down to an affordable price. And though I normally don't like doing business with them, Gamestop has been running some awesome deals too.

Anyway, let's start with Muramasa: The Demon Blade for the Wii which I already talked about last time as I bought it at Amazon with my book order. Still haven't even touched the game. To go back even farther, I bought Dead Rising 2 for the 360 and Jet Set Radio Future for the original XBox off of a friend. Still haven't touched JSRF and I've only gotten my character to Level 6 out of 50 in Dead Rising 2. It all started last weekend when I was bored and walked around Best Buy to find they had put out more copies of the Limited Edition of Super Mario All Stars for the Wii. It was only $30 for a game (even if it was a straight port of an SNES cartridge) and a bonus CD and book, so I figured it was worth it. Then I saw on Destructoid that Amazon had the Game of the Year Edition of Borderlands on sale for $20, but I remembered that Gamestop was running a sale so instead of getting it from Amazon and waiting for it to ship, I just went over to Gamestop and grabbed it. Even though there were a few more games I wanted to get, I really did want to stop my buying there. But as I was surfing around yesterday, I found out that Gamestop was running a sale this weekend where if you buy 2 used games, you get 1 free (which ends on the 10th, so if you're reading this right after I post it, you still have time!). So I maximized my savings by ordering online AND in store. Basically, I made an order online for the more expensive games I wanted (which I didn't want to go above $20) and then went to a store and grabbed some of the less expensive games. On the online order, I grabbed Just Cause 2 and Wet for the 360 and Guitar Hero: Metallica for the Wii, with a total of just over $40 after taxes. Surprisingly enough, despite being the newest, and possibly best, game of the bunch, Just Cause 2 ended up being the free one since the online price was only $17 and the others were $20. Then I went to the store earlier today and grabbed a new copy of Rock Band 3 for the Wii and for the Buy 2, Get 1, I settled on No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle, Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure and Batman: Brave and the Bold, all for the Wii It took me a while to settle on a third game because they didn't have anything I really wanted. I wanted to play Brave and the Bold but this particular copy didn't have a cover. Surprisingly enough, it rang up almost $10 less than the sticker price so I'm glad I picked it. All told, that bundle also came up to just over $40 after taxes.

So over the course of this past week (give or take a day), I spent close to $140 on a total of 9 games. Not that bad of a deal, but I really don't like plunking down that kind of cash at any one time so I really need to stop. I went from buying no games in a long time to buying a metric crapton within a month. So, I've decided not to buy any more video games...at least not until Saints Row 3 comes out. But that doesn't come out until the end of the year, not taking to account any delays or the fact that I almost always wait for a price drop, so I think I'm good for a while. Between this, the Blockbuster closings and the stuff I bought online last month, I probably spent a good chunk of my tax refund already, which I didn't want to do. Ah well, at least I'll have plenty of stuff to entertain me for a while.

As for Wrestlemania, we did record a podcast and it is coming. But considering it's close to 4 hours long and I still haven't gone through it all, in an effort to edit it a bit and break it up in easier-to-digest morsels, it'll be a little bit until I get it loaded and posted up here, probably sometime next week. In short, I thought the show was decent, but not really Wrestlemania-caliber. There were a few good matches, like Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes and Undertaker vs Triple H (which ended up being much better than I thought it would be) but honestly, there wasn't really anything that took place that you'll remember years, or even weeks, from now. The podcast will attest to that, considering we all went off track multiple times per match. While I don't quite share Spoony's hatred towards the event, he does make plenty of good points, though I'm not sure I agree with his statement that The Miz vs John Cena was the worst Wrestlemania main event since Wrestlemania 9. I'll probably have to give it a second watch, considering most of the match was spent talking about random crap. Anyway, look for those podcasts to come soon.

Mini-Random Movie Roundup and Wrestlemania 27 Predictions

2011-04-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm still struggling to get that article I had planned down on paper. I don't know why it's so hard for me to sit down and write something that's 75% in my head already. I guess I just need that 25% to come together. Anyway, I have a stack of movies that's accumulated over the past month or so that I haven't talked about. Honestly, I haven't even watched all that many movies. With Wrestlemania coming up (more on that later), I've been watching quite a bit of wrestling, especially now that WWE has put up some of their DVDs on Netflix Instant Steaming. And now I'm watching Sealab 2021, though I think I'm gonna stop before Season 4 because, let's face it, Season 4 sucked. Nevertheless, I did get in a bit of actual movie watching so, what the hell, it's Random Movie Roundup time!

Big Trouble In Little China - This was one of the many movies I watched a few months ago when I got really sick, but when I managed to snag the long out-of-print 2-disc DVD set via Goozex, I had to watch it again. Come on, do you really need an excuse to watch Big Trouble In Little China? It's an '80s classic! (For some weird reason, I started typing the title as "Big Trouble In Little Giants". I smell a crossover!) I mean, you have Kurt Russell with a mullet, kung fu, dudes that shoot lightning, Beholders, Beast Men, old slimy dudes in wheelchairs, what more do you need in a movie? Bonus: it also had a cute Kim Catrall before she became an old whore for Sex And The City. It really is one of those movies where if you haven't seen it by now, you need to ASAP. A

Mortal Kombat - I don't know if it's because of the upcoming game or watching Fatality Fridays on GameTrailers.com. but I've been in the mood for the good ol' MK. I still have fond memories of being an early teen during the height of its popularity and somehow convincing my morally-stuck-up penny-pinching dad to taking me to see this in the theaters. Looking back, I bet he probably hates me for that. Ah well. Anyways, the movie itself, objectively speaking, hasn't totally aged well since the mid-'90s. But it's still the best video game-to-movie adaptation we've seen thus far, albeit mostly by default. Really, how can you fudge up making a movie about a video game about people fighting? B

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - Guess I spoke too soon. Annihilation has gone down in history as one of the worst things ever made, whether it be video game or movie related. But the sadistic side of me actually enjoys Annihilation and I don't know why. While people claim that it's just plain bad, I can still laugh at it if I don't think about it too much. For me, it straddles the line between "bad" and "so bad, it's good" and flip-flops sides repeatedly, though I do facepalm whenever I hear about "Animalities" and see the horrible, horrible CGI creatures. But that's not all! After watching this about 5 times or so, I finally realized that Motaro (the centaur that looks like Tim Curry from Legend) is freakin' Malibu from American Gladiators! So he joins the bad guy from Cobra as Shao Khan and Dexter's dad/Ajax from The Warriors as Replacement Raiden as some of the random-ass casting choices. If I didn't have my next movie for Sarcasmatron @ The Movies picked out (whenever we end up doing it), I'd probably end up choosing this. C+

Ninja Scroll - I pride myself on being a geek over tons of different types of things, but anime isn't one of them, which is surprising considering how big of a Japanophile I can be. I just tend to prefer live-action Asian cinema instead of anime. Seriously, the only piece of anime I own is Akira. But I did get a copy of Ninja Scroll...and liked it as much as I did Akira. I was actually surprised at how shocked I was by Ninja Scroll. Not because of the quality of animation, I've always respected anime in that regard (well, usually, when it's done well) and not because of the ultra-violence, which I went into expecting. No, what I wasn't expecting was a giant rock monster muff-diving a hot chick within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Yup. That totally happens and it kinda threw me off a bit. But other than that, I totally recommend Ninja Scroll for anime fiends (if you haven't seen this already, then shame on you) and newcomers to anime alike. A-

Night of the Creeps - To me, The Monster Squad was one of the great kids movies of the '80s. That's not to say I'd actually let a kid watch the movie, but instead it's a movie where the kids in it do awesome things, like befriend monsters, shoot automatic rifles and call people "homos" and "chickenshit". So when I heard that Fred Dekker's movie previous to this, Night of the Creeps, was finally seeing a DVD release after years of being out of print on VHS and Laserdisc, I figured it would be just as good as Monster Squad. Maybe even better, judging from the hype from fans. But as far as hype is concerned, it usually tends to let you down. That's not to say Night of the Creeps is a bad movie, far from it. It's very fun and enjoyable but I think nostalgia may have had a hand in most people's opinion of this movie. Trust me, if I had seen this movie when I was a kid and it would become a rare find, I'd probably hold Night of the Creeps in just as high of a regard. But I didn't, so I don't. It's still worth a watch, though. B (And while we're on the topic of Fred Dekker, I'd be remiss to ignore the ONLY other movie he directed: Robocop 3. I watched the entire trilogy straight through on Netflix while I was sick. Obviously, 3 wasn't as good as 2 and hardly any movie will ever be as good as 1. But still, I kinda liked it. I don't get the hate. Come on, Robocop commandeers A PIMP CAR! Erase the hate!)

Young Einstein - I remember watching this when I was younger on video and even then, I still heard about how bad this movie was and kinda forgot about it over time. But a few weeks ago, I was having a movie discussion with my friends and Young Einstein came up, and my friends talked about it like it was a misunderstood classic. So when I found it online for like $5, I decided to grab it. Let me tell you, this wasn't a case where nostalgia tinted my opinion of something, whether good or bad. Young Einstein was as bad as I remember. Well, it's not really "bad" as it is just plain boring. There were a few chuckles here and there but no real gags or quotes that I can remember after watching it a week or so ago. So, yeah, it hasn't held up. And Yahoo Serious hasn't been seen since. D+

Puppet Master 1-3 - Picked this up in the Wal-Mart $5 a while back and, though I remember the franchise (which I still think runs today, with probably as many installments that rivals The Land Before Time series), I've never seen any of these movies. And probably for good reason, because they kinda suck. Well, except for the novelty value of watching puppets kill people. In the first movie, a bunch of psychics go to a hotel and get killed by puppets. That's about it. The "hero" doesn't even do anything. Literally. The bad guy who ends up controlling the puppets gets cocky and treats them like crap so the puppets turn on him and kill him. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples where the so-called "hero" doesn't do a damn thing to save the day, or even advance the plot, but I can't think of any. Then, in the second movie, the original Puppet Master (who died at the beginning of the first movie) comes back from the dead all bandaged up like the Invisible Man. I actually kinda liked Puppet Master 2 as it embraced the inherent silliness of possessed puppets that kill. In the first movie, there were a few moments where all it took to stop the puppets from killing was to just pick them up and throw them, which never failed to make me laugh. In 2, they kinda said "Yeah, this is a B movie. So what?" and went with it. And then in Puppet Master 3, they try to make a sort of universe for the characters by making a prequel, which I thought was kinda cool until I noticed some huge-ass plotholes. For one, you find out in 3 that the Leech Woman puppet was actually possessed by the soul of the Puppet Master's wife who was murdered by Nazis, but when she dies in 2, the Puppet Master couldn't care less. That needs a bit of retconning there. Also, you find out in 3 that the rest of the puppets are also possessed by the souls of other Jews murdered by Nazi and at the end, they hype up Puppet Master 4 with the tagline "When Bad Puppets Turn Good". Ok, they were bad in 1 and 2...but 3 took place before either of them, so wouldn't it be "When Good Puppets Turn Bad". And really, are they all that evil? They only kill whoever the Puppet Master tells them to kill, so really it's the Puppet Master who is evil and the puppets are...well, puppets.

Holy crap, I can't believe I'm starting to try to intellectualize the freakin' Puppet Master series. Ah well. Anyways, 1 kinda sucked other than the death scenes, 2 was alright and 3 was OK but just made things confusing for everyone. Overall, I'll just give the 3 movies an average of C.

Also, if you didn't know and/or aren't a wrestling nerd like me, the biggest event of the year, Wrestlemania 27, is tomorrow night. I'm going to be watching it with some of the Sarcasmatron @ The Movies crew (and possibly recording our reactions for a podcast, so keep an eye out for that) so I figured I'd psych myself up a bit by running down the card and giving my predictions for the show.

Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes - Honestly, Cody Rhodes would benefit more from a win at this point than Mysterio would. Though I don't watch Smackdown much, his "Dashing" gimmick has been getting over with the crowd and a big win at Wrestlemania would help it take off. As for Rey, I'm mostly wondering what kind of outfit he'll wear this year. I'm gonna guess/hope it'll be Tron-themed. Winner: Cody Rhodes

United States Championship Match - Sheamus (c) vs Daniel Bryan - As much as I like Daniel Bryan, I don't picture him getting the US title back tomorrow night. Much like Sheamus last year, I kinda believe that the WWE doesn't want to give their young stars a big win at their first Wrestlemania. Plus, Sheamus just won the belt a few weeks ago so hot-shotting it back to Bryan would be a bit pointless. Let's just hope Sheamus doesn't rip off Daniel Bryan's head and fuck his girlfriend. Winner: Sheamus

The Corre vs The Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella and ~~Vladimir Kozlov~~ Kofi Kingston - Ok, so Kofi's involvement hasn't been announced as of this writing but Kozlov has been "attacked" with his Wrestlemania status in jeopardy. So, yeah, spoilers. Oops. Anyway, I see The Corre taking this one. It's not a title match or a high-profile match so giving these youngsters their first Wrestlemania win won't be that big of a deal if it won't be remembered anyway. Plus, they'll need something to legitimize themselves as successes of the NXT "experiment" after the abject failure of the New Nexus. Winners: The Corre

Randy Orton vs CM Punk - As big of a CM Punk mark as I am and as much as I don't like Randy Orton, I don't see Punk coming out of this match the winner. Oh believe me, if Punk ends up winning, then consider me the happiest man in the world. But Orton is so over with the crowd (I have no idea why) that not having him win at Wrestlemania would be kinda dumb. But a Punk win would solidify him as a major heel for years to come. And if Punk doesn't win, their feud would be kinda one-sided as Orton has gotten the better of him, save for the past few weeks. Hmmm... I'm still gonna go with Orton but I hope I'm wrong. Winner: Randy Orton

John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki vs Dolph Ziggler and Lay-Cool - Yeah, they actually got Snooki wrestling a match to get more mainstream media coverage. No way they're going to let her team lose. As long as Morrison and Ziggler get an opportunity to show what they can do, I'll be happy. If Trish or Layla have a wardrobe malfunction, I'll be even happier. And if Dolph Ziggler re-enacts Jersey Shore history by Falcon Punching Snookie in the face, I'll be the happiest man in the world, like if CM Punk managed to beat Randy Orton. Winners: John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki

Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole - Special Guest Referee: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin - If you had told me at this time last year that Michael Cole would not only be, arguably, the company's biggest heel but also entertaining at doing it, I would have laughed in your face. But with all the heat that Cole is getting from the crowd, there would be no reason to expect anything else than an ass-kicking by Jerry Lawler...and possibly from Stone Cold as well. Winner: Jerry Lawler

World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs Alberto Del Rio - This is probably the one match where I couldn't pick out a clear-cut winner right away. They are pushing Del Rio awfully hard but I do think it's too soon for him to win a major title at Wrestlemania. He hasn't even wrestled for the WWE for a whole year yet. When I went to Raw last year, he lost a dark match to Goldust! However, Edge as a face is so boring to me and, despite his multiple title reigns, it only seems like he's held the belt for a combined total of a week. But Alberto Del Rio winning the belt would be a shocking Wrestlemania moment, much like how he won the Royal Rumble. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and pick Del Rio. Plus it'd be nice to say that the guy I saw lose to Goldust in a dark match less than a year ago won the World title. Winner: Alberto Del Rio

No Holds Barred Match - The Undertaker vs Triple H - Even with the streak and the hype behind this match, I honestly don't care about this match one bit. I'm not a Triple H fan by any means and I'm kinda worn out on Taker as well. Also, I remember them having a match at King of the Ring 2002 (I think) where all they did was punch and kick each other for half an hour. It was literally the most boring match I've ever seen in my life. And I really doubt that it'll be much different almost ten years later. They made it a No Holds Barred Match because Taker is so banged up that he won't be able to really wrestle, so I'm dreading more punching and kicking. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't acknowledge Taker being so banged up and practically ready to retire this past Monday on Raw, so that definitely reinforced my opinion that he should hang it up soon. Oh, and thanks to that same segment on Raw, the main person I care about in a match between The Undertaker and Triple H...is Shawn Michaels. That just doesn't seem right to me. Nevertheless, I'd like to think that the legendary streak will remain unbroken. It just remains to be seen if Triple H wants to be the kind of douchebag to break the streak. I think he has enough respect for the business that he won't. Winner: The Undertaker

WWE Heavyweight Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs John Cena - Cena wins. Cena always wins. But there is a part of me that hopes The Miz squeaks his way out of Wrestlemania with the title intact. Between Cena and The Rock's involvement, he has been so overshadowed...but the "smart mark" part of me kinda wants to believe that was intentional, so if The Miz were to win, it'd be all the more shocking. I'd go so far to say that if Miz vs Cena ended up not being the true main event of the show, Miz would win. But if this does end up being the main event match, then you kinda have to have Cena win to end Wrestlemania on a high note and send the kids home happy. Winner: John Cena

Oh, in one final note, seems I was a bit presumptuous in saying that there's no decent music coming in 2011. I did manage to find a few upcoming releases, though nothing really earth-shattering. As I was shopping around Hot Topic.com for some random stuff (yeah, I buy stuff from them sometimes, shut up), I went to their pre-order section to see what they had. I got a bit excited when I saw a new Between The Buried And Me album coming in April...but then ended up bummed when I saw it was only an EP. Apparently, it's the first of a two-part concept EP dealie they're trying and I have no doubt it'll be good...but I probably won't pick it up unless I can find it for cheap considering it's only three songs. Three songs that are close to or over 10 minutes each, but three songs nonetheless. Also, BTBAM released a Best Of compilation but considering I have all of their albums from The Silent Circus on, I wondered if I should get it. When I went to Best Buy today and saw that there was no pre-Silent Circus material on it, my question was answered with a resounding no. Even if it was only $10 on sale, even a DVD and some live songs are enough to get me to shell out for a bunch of songs I already have. Also, I saw that Winds of Plague are coming out with a new album, entitled Against The World. They're pretty decent but I probably wouldn't have noticed it even coming out, except for the fact that they got the freaking Ultimate Warrior to do a spoken word track on it! You heard me! If he manages to sneak in "destrucity" in his speech, I may cream in my pants. Finally, apparently Darkest Hour released a new album back in February called The Human Romance, but since they left Victory Records and signed to some other random label, I never even knew about it. Unfortunately, I never got around to getting their previous album, The Eternal Return, so DH just may be one of those bands that falls off my radar and I just stop keeping track on, which bums me out because I like them a lot. But other than those releases, I haven't heard much of anything else coming out.

PS - I know I wrote about it last time but if you have ten and a half hours to spare, watch Horse The Band's Earth Tour documentary. It's great.

Random Stuff and Shameless Plugs

2011-03-27T19:21:00.000-04:00

It may seem like I haven't been doing a whole hell of a lot, judging by the recent inactivity of this blog...and you'd be totally right! I have an article in the works, I swear, but for some reason getting the stuff out of my head and down onto the page is kinda hard, even though I have most of it in my head. I guess right now, I don't really want to sit down and write. But I am doing a lot of sitting down and doing other things.

Earlier this month, I managed to get my tax refund, at a time when I definitely needed it. And though I would've liked to save all of it, I felt (and still do feel) the urge to spend it on myself. Luckily, I don't need to lavish myself with expensive things...well I DO but I just can't afford it and I'm don't want to open myself up to a huge line of debt. Anyway, I managed to squeak out with a few deals. Surprisingly enough, I didn't spend it all on movies like you'd probably think I would. I did buy a few but only spent about $10-$15 on them. I won't tell you which ones, mostly because they don't really matter but partly because I'm accumulating some movies for my next Random Movie Roundup, whenever that may be.

Oddly enough, I spent a good chunk of change on books, of all things. Honestly, I can't remember the last book I've read all the way through since David Cross' "I Drink For A Reason" last year. So I decided to get back into the ol' book readin'. So I bought the following:

"Zombie Spaceship Wasteland" by Patton Oswalt
"Save The Cat: The Last Book On Screenwriting You'll Ever Need" by Blake Snyder
"Suck It, Wonder Woman!" by Olivia Munn
"The Mystery Method" by Mystery (yeah, shut up)
"Rules of the Game" by Neil Strauss

All in all, I probably spent about $50 on those books, maybe a little bit more, so I'm pretty satisfied. Unfortunately, after I made that order, I remembered a few more books I could have bought, namely Chris Jericho's most recent book "Undisputed". After reading "A Lion's Tale" (maybe that was the last book I read, can't remember), it pretty much tied with Mick Foley's "Have A Nice Day" as my favorite wrestling related book, so I was psyched to read the follow-up. But it just came out so I'm willing to wait a bit longer until the price comes down. Anyways, the first book I got into was "Zombie Spaceship Wasteland". I quite enjoyed it but as funny as Patton Oswalt is, the book could have definitely been longer. It only took me about a week to read it, but only read during a few of those days. Honestly, if I read it straight through in one sitting, I probably could have finished it in about 2 hours. I'd say its essential reading if you're a fan of Patton but really it just makes you wish he had another book to go out and pick up immediately after finishing it. I'm currently reading through "The Mystery Method" and it's taking me substantially longer to get through...mostly because I feel like a dumbass for reading it. I do believe that the science behind it and the examples of human behavior are valid, but the process itself feels very forced. He basically tells you to go out and use "canned material" on hundreds, possibly thousands, of women until it feels natural. I'm not saying that meeting a woman should be entirely serendipitous, but it shouldn't be entirely rehearsed either. And imagine that there are thousands of men doing this, doing this to thousands of women each, wouldn't women catch on after a while? Ah well, I never really imagined that I would be going out and doing this, instead taking all of the good bits from this and "Rules of the Game" and trying to make something work.

Also, while I bought the books, I bought Muramasa: The Demon Blade for the Wii for like $12. But I still haven't played it. I've fallen very behind on my video game playing. I don't know if I mentioned this before but I also bought Dead Rising 2 for the XBox 360 (along with Jet Set Radio Future for the XBox) from a friend who was selling a ton of his games (over 100 of them) and haven't played it until today. And even then, I might have only played it for about an hour. Of course, I might actually play this more often if I had a 360 of my own instead of using my roommates' but oh well. Considering I have these games to play, plus I haven't finished Fallout: New Vegas plus wanting to do another playthrough of Fable III, you can imagine how much time I'd have to sit down and spend on video game catch-up.

Instead, I've been starting to listen to a few podcasts, partially because they're entertaining but partially because I want to see how it's professionally done, instead of the hackjobs that I normally produce. Normally, podcasts don't really interest me because I don't have much opportunity to let something play that I still have to pay attention to. But there have been a few that have caught my eye...or ear, actually. First of them being How Did This Get Made?, a podcast moderated by Paul Scheer (Human Giant, The League, all of the VH1 shows where they get comedians to talk about things) about bad movies. Now, I only listened to the episode for Drive Angry, which they loved probably more than I did, but that was good enough for me to return and listen for when they cover another shitty movie that interests me. But the podcast I've been listening to the most lately comes from I Want Wrestling, created by former WWE writer Dave Lagana. Lagana runs a few different formats...that are actually the same, he just interviews different types of people involved in the business, from wrestlers to the wrestling press to wrestling fans themselves. But the most interesting of these podcasts is Formerly Creative, where Lagana shoots the breeze with fellow former WWE writers, talking about the process of working for WWE and coming up with ideas for wrestlers, whether they be good or bad. Case in point: Did you know that Daniel Bryan, current WWE superstar and proclaimed by many of the fans and his peers alike as being the "Best in the World", was almost given a Homeless gimmick years before he finally made it to the WWE? Also, did you know that instead of basically playing Capt. Jack Sparrows with his pirate character, Paul Burchill could have had a gimmick that of Brad Pitt's character from Snatch? But if I have to suggest any one specific podcast to listen to for a sample, it wouldn't be a Formerly Creative episode but instead the Promote This! episode where Lagana interviews independent wrestler (and recent winner of the NWA Heavyweight Championship) Colt Cabana, who himself runs a very good wrestling podcast called the Art of Wrestling that I don't listen to as much as I should. In addition to plugging the Art of Wrestling, but his road documentary the Wrestling Road Diaries, where he and Daniel Bryan show what it's like to ply your trade and go out on the road as an indy wrestler. Even though he's been in the WWE for a cup of coffee, Colt's dedication to the wrestling business despite never fully reaching his potential, told with his humble and affable personality, is a story that deserves to be heard.

*Segue involving hearing things with your ears!*

So far, 2011 isn't looking the greatest when it comes to music. Honestly, the only thing coming out that I know has a release date (Blaqk Audio, I'm looking at you) is the recent announcement of the remastered re-release of Mindless Self Indulgence's rare first album "Tight". But this year isn't a complete wash. As I have mentioned a while back, Horse The Band had compiled their self-ran Earth Tour from 2008 down to a 7-disc DVD set and 100+ page book. However, it was a limited edition and I was unable to afford one for myself, even though I wanted one. Fortunately, HtheB comes through and have actually made it available for free via a torrent, which is available here, because they figured it would end up on the Internet anyways, so why not have it come from the source? Of course, they do suggest a donation, considering they wracked up massive amounts of credit card debt so they could run the tour themselves and go where the fans wanted them to play. I know that there are a few more important things out there you could donate your money to, namely the situations in Japan and Haiti. But recently, there are few things I believe in as much as Horse The Band, as corny as that may sound. Horse The Band, to me, represents free expression of art, emotion and ideas. I'm not telling you to donate some money to a band you've never heard of just because I like them. But definitely give them a chance and if you like what they represent, float a few bucks their way if you have them. I haven't watched the "movie" yet (all 10.5 hours of it) but I did read through the book (in PDF form) and it was great to see them branch out like they did, even though they did go to some depressing and dilapidated places. But in the end, I found myself a bit depressed, and I'm sure that feeling will worsen as I watch the movie. I thought about it and realized that the album that they toured for, "A Natural Death", came out soon after I moved out on my own. Over the course of time, Horse The Band went out, toured the world, came back, recorded their best album thus far (in my opinion) and even though they came back in debt, they still went out and achieved it all on their own. Me? I'm still at the same low-paying dead end job with no real prospects and an ever-decreasing outlook on my own life and future. On one hand, it encourages me to get out there and do something. But I don't know what to do. And I'm not exactly sure if I want to come back broke because of it. I guess that's just something I'll have to work out with myself.

Sarcasmatron @ The Movies: The Lost Episode - Iron Monkey 2

2011-03-14T16:01:00.000-04:00

For those of you who visit Sarcasmatron regularly (all 5 of you), you may have noticed I haven't put up a shitty movie podcast with my friends and I for the past few months. Actually, we did record one in January but nothing ever really came of it for a multitude of reasons. First of all, I wasn't even involved in the recording, with the exception of supplying the movie. Yup, I'm not even on record for this one. You see, I was on some medication at the time that made me very sleepy for some reason (as if I needed to sleep MORE). So I took the medication, went over to Gabe's to record it, ate some BBQ and could not stay awake. So, knowing my friends, I left the recording in their capable hands. And Chase, who supplied the recording equipment, didn't get the mp3 file to me until late February/early March. But considering the frequency I check my email, I didn't get it until a week or so ago. Seriously, I'm listening to it as I'm typing up this intro and this is honestly the first time I've listened to it. So with the exception of Chase, and everyone else recording though I doubt they remember all they said, you're all listening to this about the same time I am. But so far, it's pretty fun. Anyway, I kinda figured that after so long, the recording would be lost into the ether or buried into a time capsule for future generations to unearth. But considering how many people read this site now (all 5 of you), I doubt there'll be much more in the future so I might as well just release this now.

Anyway, the movie in question is Iron Monkey 2, directed by Yuen Wo-Ping and starring Donnie Yen. You'd think with such pedigree that this movie would be awesome, much like the original Iron Monkey. But no, Iron Monkey 2 is a shakily shot mess that looks like it was recorded on VHS tape and incorporating tons of wire-fu with no attempts to hide the glaringly obvious wires (which surprisingly goes unmentioned in this podcast, in addition to the final credit of the movie being accredited to "Ho Shit").

As for what's next, I have a movie planned, but haven't picked out a time to record a podcast for it yet. For the first time so far, this is a movie that I haven't even seen yet so I'll probably be just as shocked as the rest of the guys...unless they've seen it, which they might have. But I know that it comes highly recommended by people whose opinions on bad movies I respect and has been heralded as one of the most unintentionally-hilarious movies in recent memory. So, enjoy my friends rant about Iron Monkey 2 (amongst other things, like Radiohead and Tang) and be on the lookout for the next podcast coming in the near future...someday...hopefully...if not a podcast for something else.

Go to the blip.tv page HERE

OR

Download the mp3 HERE

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Movies: The Top 10 (Part 2 - #5-#1)

2011-03-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

Please put on your Real3D Glasses................................................now.

#3) Piranha 3D/Jackass 3D/Tron: Legacy (TIE)

Being the cynical bastard that I am, I'm more than ready to consider the current 3D movement as nothing more than a trend that'll fade away once the novelty wears off. Even though I wasn't a fan and didn't go see it, I can kinda understand the allure of seeing Avatar. But since then, 3D has gotten ri-goddamn-diculous. Really, did we need muddy 3D conversions of Alice In Wonderland (aka Johnny Depp Gays Up Your Childhood While Tim Burton's Wife Enables NBA Jam Big Head Mode), Clash of the Titans (Liam Neeson as Zeus wasn't enough to save it) or The Last Airbender (even if it did end up being a good movie, which it wasn't)? 3D should be used sparingly and for big events, not for fucking Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore! What next, a documentary in 3D about the rise of a pre-teen kid who found fame on YouTube by having a "meh" singing voice and a girl's haircut? Oh... Anyways, with Avatar sequels and Star Wars re-re-re-re-re-re-re-releases lined up until 2017 (for reals), it looks like this trend isn't going to die anytime soon. So while the general populace continues to be suckered in by the gimmickry, I'll be just as judicious with the 3D movies that I do see, just like I am with non-3D.

To me, not only has Piranha 3D become the best modern incarnation of an old-school exploitation film but also the best usage of the 3D gimmick (and this is coming from someone who just saw Drive Angry last night). Piranha 3D is crass and proud of it, to the point where the upcoming sequel has been dubbed "Piranha 3DD". Yes, there are tons of naked boobs in glorious 3D, as well as some of the most gut-wrenching gore found in mainstream horror. Surprisingly enough, Piranha 3D was originally not filmed in 3D but you could have fooled me. As if he were the leading authority on 3D, James Cameron derided Piranha for "misusing the technology". If anything, movies like Piranha were the reason 3D movies were invented in the first place. It can be argued that Jackass 3D was "misusing the technology", I mean, what else would you call shooting a gigantic dildo at the camera? Oddly enough, the 3D in Jackass wasn't that big of deal. I only really noticed it during the on-screen titles of the bits. But as crass as Jackass is, damn if it didn't look crisp as hell. I'm not joking when I say Jackass 3D may be the reason for me to finally get a Blu-Ray Player. As for Tron: Legacy, once again I didn't think the 3D was all that noticeable, but more for atmospheric purposes, which I'm sure pleased James Cameron, the self-appointed Lord and Savior of the Third Dimension. But I was going to see Tron: Legacy regardless of if it was in 3D or not so that didn't really matter to me. I mean, it looked good but it wasn't mindblowing. I was mostly wondering how Jeff Daniels smuggled green beans and a suckling pig into the Internet...or how Olivia Wilde smuggled DAT ASS into a tight latex jumpsuit...or when David Bowie had an albino lovechild with Chris Tucker from The Fifth Element.

#2) Scott Pilgrim vs The World

I won't lie, I went into Scott Pilgrim expecting to hate it. I wanted to give it a chance but the cynic inside me was all like "It's filled with Michael Cera and hipsters. It's gonna suck." But it won me over. Michael Cera branched out and showed the most range since his Arrested Development days, while still playing generally the same typecast character he always has, and the movie was self-aware enough to poke fun at itself, particularly at the whole hipster subculture. Add in all the video game and pop-culture references, a great soundtrack, a solid supporting cast, stellar art direction and direction from Edgar Wright in general and it becomes magic. One of the big reasons I rarely go see movies in theaters is because, when I do, I want to make them an event. I want them to mean something and even if I see a movie I like, more often than not, I'll think "That was fun. What do I do tomorrow?" With Scott Pilgrim, I had a memorable experience that I haven't had in the theater in a long time, probably since The Dark Knight. It's such a disappointment that Scott Pilgrim bombed at the box office, even though I'm sure it's already considered a cult classic by some. When you take into account the fact that I, a cynical jaded ass who hates everything that everyone else likes, ended up LOVING this movie, more people should have given it a shot. I guarantee that if people were more open-minded and didn't go see the same old crap (*cough*TheExpendables*cough*), Scott Pilgrim vs The World could have become huge. But as great as Scott Pilgrim was, and as much as I internally debated with myself repeatedly, I still can't give it the #1 spot of my favorite movie of 2010.

#1) Kick-Ass

In some ways, putting Kick-Ass over Scott Pilgrim Vs The World seems like a mere technicality. I went and saw Kick-Ass twice in the theaters, something I rarely do. I didn't do that with Scott Pilgrim, though I wanted to. I bought Kick-Ass on DVD the week of release. I didn't do that with Scott Pilgrim...but since it was coming out so close to Christmas, I just asked someone to get it for me. But I think the main reason I liked Kick-Ass so much was because I was disappointed in Iron Man 2 so much. While Iron Man 2 wasn't a bad movie, Kick-Ass did a better job of encapsulating the feel of a comic book and reminding me that superhero movies can be fresh and original and not just cash-ins or franchise tie-ins or whatever. In a post-Dark Knight world where every film executive wants to do a "dark, gritty reboot" for every movie ever made, Kick-Ass showed that it could pull off vulgar and violent, while not only being bright and colorful like a comic book should be, but also having heart to the characters. Whether it's the love between Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, the realistic-feeling friendship between Kick-Ass and his friends, Red Mist wanting the approval of his Mafia boss dad or the fact that Kick-Ass doesn't ever have to worry about his secret identity but instead whether the girl he has a crush on thinks he's gay or not; there's a lot more going on here than just "good guys vs bad guys". But of course, most people had to focus instead on a 12 year old girl saying the word "cunt". Well, everything can't be perfect, but nevertheless Kick-Ass is one of the freshest takes on the superhero genre and one hell of a movie-watching experience.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. NICOLAS CAGE AS A GUN-TOTING BATMAN! ("I never said Batman!")

OK, so I'm finally done with going over what I liked in 2010. So get off my back now, will ya? Honestly, while 2010 was a good year for movies and a decent year for music for me, just about everything else in 2010 sucked. Hopefully there's plenty of stuff worth talking about in 2011. So far, I've only seen one movie in theaters (Drive Angry, like I previously mentioned), there's only two video games that I'm really looking forward to (Saints Row 3 and WWE All-Stars) and though there's plenty of bands I'd like to see release albums this year, I don't know anything that's supposed to come out (except for Blaqk Audio's new album, which should hopefully be coming soon). With 2010 being somewhat of a disappointment in my life, I've since kinda come down from the high of falsely believing that my blog would be this awesome springboard towards other things. But as long as there's stuff worth complaining about, I'll be around.

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Movies: The Top 10 (Part 1 - #10-#6)

2011-03-03T19:37:00.000-05:00

I guess it's kinda convenient that I do a Top 10 list considering I only saw 10 movies last year. But still, that's a good 5 or 6 more movies than I normally see at the theaters, at least. So really, this isn't a "Best Of" considering all the stuff I missed (see the last blog post for my opinions on some of those movies), but really ranking what I saw from worst to best. Luckily, I've seen more bad than good, so let's start off with what I consider the Most Disappointing Movie of 2010.

#10) The Expendables

Seriously, I wish I saw one more movie this year just so I wouldn't have to put The Expendables on this list. I can't remember being more disappointed in anything in recent years as much as this. I went into The Expendables thinking it would be the manliest action film of all time. And sure, people get killed and shit gets blow'd up but whenever people aren't getting killed and shit isn't getting blow'd up, literally NOTHING HAPPENS! To take a line from Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, a MUCH better movie that ironically ran head-to-head with The Expendables and got trounced at the box office, I wanted to pee out of boredom. I'm not joking. I never go to the restroom during movies in fear that I would miss something, but I almost went just to kill some time. I'm sure The Expendables could be filed away as a case of high expectations, as that mine could have been so high that nothing the movie did could ever meet it. But it was almost like they didn't even bother trying. None of the characters came close to being interesting, the action was outclassed by other movies in 2010 (as you'll soon read) and the plot was as predictable as could be. I'm not expecting high art with movies like this, but I do expect to enjoy myself. I didn't. If they do a sequel, they really just need to clone Dolph Lundgren multiple times to make up the cast as he was far and away the only interesting person in an ensemble cast that should have done better. Well, I guess Terry Crews having a shotgun that shoots explosions was kinda cool. And Mickey Rourke had a pretty good dramatic dialogue that was ultimately wasted in a movie like this. Also, in the ultimate case of typecasting, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin punches a woman. But that's about it.

#9) The A-Team

See, now The A-Team is a prime example of how mindless, blow-em-up action should be done. Nowhere is this more evident than near the end of the film before the climactic action sequence, where Liam Neeson's Hannibal says "Overkill is underrated". I've heard some people say that The A-Team is stupid, to which I reply "Damn right it is!" Come on, there's a tank parachuting through the air with it's downward descent being controlled by blasts from the tank's cannon. If you don't think that's awesome, then obviously The A-Team and movies of it's kind in general just aren't for you. It was a blast to see in the theater and I was surprised how good everyone was in their roles. But in the end, the main reason that its so low on my list is because its not all that memorable. I enjoyed The A-Team but honestly, by the end of the next week, I had all but forgotten that I had even seen it. Unfortunately, it bombed at the box office so I doubt we'll ever get a franchise out of the thing, but I'm hoping it'll find its audience on video. As loud and explodey as it was in the theater, The A-Team is a pretty good movie to throw in, sit down and just plain shut your brain off.

#8) Machete

Much like The A-Team, Machete has itself firmly planted in the "fun but ultimately forgettable" category. However, because of the "Grindhouse" feel and the fact that I'm a fan of Robert Rodriguez's films more often than not, it appealed to me just a bit more. Danny Trejo makes for a good action lead, despite the fact that he has about as much dialogue in Machete as he did Predators, where he was the first one in the cast to die. But as good as Danny Trejo is as a blade-flinging ambassador of "La Raza", the bad guys are just that much better. Jeff Fahey steals the show as the main baddie who frames Machete (and literally crucifies Cheech Marin with the help of Sex Machine). Robert DeNiro could be accused of "slumming it" with material such as this but he brings enough to the role of his corrupt politician without it being just a ripoff of George W. Bush (which it totally is). And Steven Seagal swings around a samurai sword with the worst Mexican accent ever, but that's why we love him. Hell, even Don Johnson makes an appearance in a role that I wish would've boosted his career back up. Just a suggestion for Robert Rodriguez, though. If you do Machete 2, please don't bring back Lindsay Lohan. Not unless she's willing to clean herself up and not play herself. Or, at the very least, willing to show her boobs this time. I guess this can go for Jessica Alba too. If you're not willing to either learn how to act or get naked, then what else are you supposed to do?

#7) Predators

Noticing a trend here? Yeah, I'm getting the simple action flicks out of the way fast. Again, nothing groundbreaking here but Predators is great fun between alien hunters and their non-consenting human prey. Sure, Predators pays "homage" to the original film so much that it pretty much rips off the end line-for-line, but there's enough action leading up to it that you just won't care. Of course, there are plenty of awesome things that happen, like a fight between a Predator and a Yakuza. And someone calling the Predator a "space faggot". And officially declaring every day at 5:00 PM as "Bitch Rapin' Time". But I think Predators biggest feat was turning Adrien Brody into a credible action star badass. I've always known him as the skinny guy with the giant nose who'd star in "heartfelt" pretentious indie movies like The Darjeeling Limited so when I heard he was cast, I didn't have much hope for him, and this is coming from someone who thought Heath Ledger had a good chance as The Joker from the get-go. But then Brody got a six-pack and a gravely Solid Snake voice and that totally changed my mind about him. The only that would make him even more manly is if he changed his first name to "Bruiser" and started taping razorblades to his fingertips. Anyways, I'm getting off-track. Predators is good. Go watch it...Space Faggot!

#6) Iron Man 2

If it weren't for The Expendables, I'd be tempted to consider Iron Man 2 as the most disappointing movie of the year. Honestly, it wasn't boring like The Expendables and my expectations weren't quite as high, so it wasn't all bad. But to me, Iron Man 2 didn't even compare to the first one. I kinda expected Iron Man 2 to be a giant teaser for the upcoming Avengers movie, and I was right. But I didn't expect the movie to be so focused on Tony Stark. And that wouldn't be much of a problem if Tony Stark was as awesome as he was in the first movie, but this time around, I just wasn't feeling it. At least not when he was sober. I can kinda understand factoring the whole alcoholism storyline, as in many ways Tony Stark's worst enemy is himself. But if that's the case, why have any bad guys at all? To me, a superhero is only as good as his rogues gallery. But with Iron Man 2, I was getting flashbacks of Spider-Man 3, only not that bad. Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell did such great jobs that they really deserved more screentime. And I think it's pretty telling that Iron Man's greatest fight (and arguably best action sequence in the movie) isn't against Justin Hammer's squadron of robots and it sure as hell isn't the final fight with Whiplash where he goes out like a bitch in about two minutes. Nope, it's Iron Man fighting...his best friend...who is also a good guy...and is also an Iron Man. I know, I know, he's not Iron Man, he's War Machine. I'm being facetious here. I'm not going as far as to say Iron Man 2 is bad or anything, but I feel it could have been a lot better. But in my opinion, Iron Man 2 wasn't even close to being the best superhero movie of 2010.

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Movies: The Stuff I Missed

2011-02-19T17:58:00.000-05:00

As I've talked to people online, I've found it odd that I've heard so many people say that 2010 was one of the worst years for movies in recent memory. However, to me, 2010 was probably the best year for movies. Normally, I go to the theaters maybe once or twice a year, three times tops. But this year, not only do I have enough movies to fill a Top 10 list (which will be coming soon) but I also have a list of notable movies that I missed out on. You see, I'm not a professional critic, no matter how much I'd like to be one. Can you imagine complaining about crap you hate...and actually getting PAID for it? But no, I have to spend my own money, of which I don't have much, and therefore I have to be much more judicious in what I see. In some cases, it works out in my favor. As much as I'd like to see how bad The Last Airbender really was for myself, I don't want to actually waste money on it. But in other cases, there are movies that I genuinely want to see but missed out on just because I didn't want to see them badly enough or was just plain broke.

Let Me In
Once I finally got my hands on Let The Right One In (yeah, maybe I got the "inferior" version with the "dumbed down" American subtitles but so what, I still got it, alright?), I loved it. While I wasn't necessarily scared by it, the haunting atmosphere was enough to evoke the intended emotions. In the end, I consider it a highly superior vampire "love story" to Twilight. Then again, I also think The Chipmunk Adventure is a better vampire "love story" but that's neither here nor there. Of course, when I heard there would be an American-ized remake, I was naturally cautious. Let's be honest, there are more bad remakes than good ones. But when I heard that Chloe Moretz was cast in the lead role, I figured it would be worth a shot. Then I saw the trailer and it looked pretty faithful to the original source material. But remakes are a double-edged sword to me. They somehow need to find the balance between giving props to the original and creating something new. And to me, at least judging by the trailer, Let Me In looked like a carbon copy of the original. So why would I want to go see it when I could watch Let The Right One In whenever I wanted? I felt the exact same way when the trailer for the Nightmare On Elm Street remake came out. It looked so much like the original that it made me want to watch the original instead. Thankfully I dodged that bullet as I heard, despite Jackie Earle Haley's best attempts, that movie ended up being quite horrible.

Red
"Watch old people blow shit up." I don't know if that was the actual tagline for the movie but if not, it should've been. Because honestly, that simple premise was enough for me to want to see it. With the likes of Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren and John Malkovich, it felt like the high-end version of The Expendables for people who drink champagne with their pinkies up. Also, I don't know if it actually happened but if Morgan Freeman dropped f-bombs like he did in Wanted, I would've seen it immediately. So why didn't I go see Red? I don't know. I was invited by friends but I didn't go. I must've been broke that week or something. Or maybe I forgot about it. I can't imagine another movie I was so psyched to see then was so ambivalent towards when it finally came out. Except for maybe The Losers, a movie whose existence I totally forgot about until about last week, when I saw it at Wal-Mart for less than $10. Really? Already?

The Human Centipede
To be fair, I don't think this particular gem was screened anywhere near me, which was probably a blessing in disguise. The Human Centipede seems like the kind of movie that should be played in a smoky, seedy Grindhouse theater instead of the multi-plex at the mall. But I guess the floor's gonna be sticky either way, right? Nevertheless, I still haven't seen it now that it's been on video. Honestly, I think the main reason that I haven't watched it is because I don't want to see what happens when I queue it up on my roommates' Netflix account and see what kind of other stuff they get recommended to watch. Well, I DO want to see what happens...I'm just not that mean of a person. Still, I heard the movie wasn't all that bad, despite the gruesome concept, and a part of me was almost deflated once I heard that. I haven't seen a really shocking film lately and I don't want to go off the deep end by giving A Serbian Film a shot.

Jonah Hex
Honestly, Jonah Hex was one of my most looked-forward-to films of 2010. Not because I've ever read a Jonah Hex comic (I haven't) or I liked any of the casting choices (though Josh Brolin is pretty badass and I thought Will Arnett getting a role was kinda funny). Nope, the main reason I wanted to see Jonah Hex was because I heard freakin' Mastodon would be doing the music for the movie. This was the metalhead version of Daft Punk doing the music for Tron: Legacy (a choice I also supported) so I was super-pumped. Then the movie actually came out and the reviews started rolling in. But despite all of the negative reviews ripping the movie to shreds (or perhaps BECAUSE of them), I still wanted to see Jonah Hex for myself, even if only to hear some new Mastodon material. Unfortunately, it fell into the same category as The Last Airbender, where I couldn't really justify spending $10 or more to see it, even if I might enjoy how bad it is. But I'm still willing to give it a chance someday.

Inception
Yes, I have not seen Inception, making me one of the few people out there that hasn't. I don't know if it's my anti-socialness or what but I've found that I tend to stay away from whatever's popular, regardless of if it's good or not. The way I see it, there are tons of people that have seen Inception. Do I really need to? If I really wanted to know what's going on, I could just ask any of my friends that have seen it. And much like Avatar last year, Inception is one of those movies that NEEDS to be seen in a movie theater. I doubt the experience can be recreated on a home system, even if you have a Blu-Ray player and a 105" 3D TV. So instead of watching Inception, I think I can just watch The Dark Knight while tripping balls and get the same effect. Actually, that sounds like the end of Batman Begins, now that I think about it. So I'm just gonna watch Batman Begins.

Toy Story 3
This is going to sound rather mean considering Toy Story's standing as one of the best animated franchises of all time, but I've grown to HATE Toy Story 3 without actually having seen it. Anytime I hear the words "Toy Story 3" anymore, I'm filled with rage. Why? Well, first of all, I made the mistake of asking out the girl I liked to see Toy Story 3, which would've been our first date...had she said yes...which she never did. So now that's one of the many things that reminds me of her whenever I see them. But if that weren't bad enough, Toy Story 3 came back to haunt me at the end of the year. When I did my Black Friday shopping online, I found it for fairly cheap and decided to get it for my mom for Christmas, thinking it would be a good movie to have on hand for my nieces and nephews to watch whenever they're over. But it never came. Thankfully, Amazon was willing to give me a refund...and once they did, Toy Story 3 magically showed up in the mail. Oddly enough, it was about a day or two before Christmas, almost a full month after Black Friday, and it was delivered with a bunch of other missing mail such as out-of-date election fliers. Yeah, my mail here is horrible lately. I thought about watching it and giving it a chance but at that point, I just wanted to be done with it. On Christmas Eve (which was after my family's Christmas celebration), I just handed the DVD over without even wrapping it. So when I get angry about Toy Story 3, I need to remind myself just who the true enemies really are: girls and the United States Post Office.

The Other Guys
When a couple of my friends asked if I wanted to come along to see The Other Guys, I politely declined. I've been getting tired of Will Ferrell's schtick over the past few years and put his movies into two separate categories: Anchorman and Not Anchorman. As much as I liked Anchorman, I felt that his other movies couldn't really compare...even though the only other movie of his I saw was Semi-Pro, which was just OK. So imagine my shock when my friends said it was one of the funniest movies they've ever seen. But still, that didn't really egg me on to watch it for myself. Suddenly, for no real reason at all, my mom decided to get it for me for Christmas (bundled with a copy of Talladega Nights as well, which might I add was Full-Screen compared to The Other Guys' Widescreen because Wal-Mart are a bunch of idiots). So I watched it and liked it. And I even liked Talladega Nights to boot. Honestly, neither movie compares to Anchorman in my book but it did remind me that Will Ferrell can be great when working with the right people. The best way I can describe The Other Guys is like watching a buddy cop movie with a mentally handicapped person. The movie will be going like normal when suddenly they'll just blurt out something so completely random and unrelated to the rest of the movie that ends up being hilarious.

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Music: The Top 10 (Part 2 - #5-#1)

2011-02-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, surprisingly enough, I haven't died. I figured I'd give you a bit of an update of what I've been doing the past month or so that I haven't updated Sarcasmatron before charging right back into finishing up the Top 10. Basically, all I've been doing is laying in bed and puking my guts out. I'm not 100% sure what I got but it was basically the flu. Although I never had a fever or anything like that, I pretty much alternated between puking and having dizzying headaches and that was enough to lay me out for a good couple weeks. I didn't go to work (though I tried a few times and would start throwing up within an hour or two) and I didn't have the strength to do anything but lay in bed. And believe me, when you don't have the strength to freakin' sit in front of a computer and update a blog, you know it's bad. I tend to avoid care due to my lack of insurance and my general distrust of doctors, especially since I usually only get sick for a day or two at a time. But after a few weeks, I finally had to suck it up and get some blood work done at the ghetto cheap-ass clinic near my apartment that deals primarily with methadone addiction. The blood work didn't show much, basically that I had an infection but nothing serious enough to go to the hospital, or even require medicine. There was a little red flag raised at the Billirubin levels in my liver but if there was anything wrong with my liver, there would have been 5 or 6 other things that would've come up. So basically I just had to wait it out. And once I finally started feeling good enough to go to work and do things again, we got totally butt-blasted with snow last week. We were supposed to get a blizzard and people were already calling it Snowpocalypse 2011 but while we got a shit-ton of snow, I was a bit disappointed. Nevertheless, it was still enough for me to seclude my paranoid-driving self and stay in bed.

It sucks because for the past month or so, I've literally done nothing but lay in bed and watch movies. Save for watching the Royal Rumble a couple weeks ago with a friend (which ended up being pretty awesome BTW), I haven't seen my friends in all this time. I've been meaning to join up in some of their gaming sessions again but I'm still pretty disinterested and all this laying in bed doing nothing somehow hasn't given me any good character ideas. Except for the times I've gone to work, it feels like I've been cut off from civilization. Hell, I didn't even go to work today, not because I'm not feeling good but because business has been really slow and despite me being out for the past few weeks and getting backed up on some work, there's really no reason for me to be there right now. So I'm going to be scraping by in the money department, which will in turn cause me to stay secluded in my apartment even more. I haven't even played any video games since I don't want to be a dick and take my roommates' XBox 360 into my room. I've been meaning to do another playthrough of Fable III since I went straight through the story the first time and did little to no side missions. And I'm still not all that far into Fallout New Vegas either.

So instead, I've been watching a ton of movies. I thought about doing a Random Movie Roundup but with all the stuff I've watched over the course of this past month, but there's so much that I'm not even going to bother. First off, I went through Netflix and started watching a ton of TV shows, finishing off all the available episodes of Mythbusters I haven't seen yet. I moved onto American Pickers but I couldn't watch a whole season of two guys driving through the Midwest in a van going through piles of old people's crap without feeling wholly depressed about the situation. So then I watched the Robocop trilogy, which then resulted in me going into an 80's movie kick with stuff like Escape From New York, The Running Man and Howard The Duck. Then that turned into 80's wrestling where I watched a bunch of Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage matches. Then I got tired of watching movies so I listened to a bunch of commentaries. That way, I could lay in bed and just listen instead of wearing myself out with the act of actually having my eyes open and paying attention to plot. And that brings me up to the current point, where I just finished going through Seasons 1-3 of The Venture Bros. backwards (meaning from Season 3 down to 1) with commentary, which then urged me to find and watch Season 4.5 that I missed at the end of last year. The whole thing reminded me that The Venture Bros. is indeed the best show on television today. Sorry, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Though I will say that Always Sunny is the best live-action show with Community running a close second. Beyond that, I still don't watch much TV so I can't really comment on anything else

Anyway, enough with my rambling, it's time to finish up this Top 10. Forgive me if the remaining list seems a bit rushed. Honestly, I just want to get this done. Who the hell does Best of 2010 articles in February? And since I still have to go through my list of movies, it could be going on into March at this rate.

#5) Ov Hell - The Underground Regime
Though I have much love for the genre of Black Metal, there are so many bands out there that I don't get a chance to listen to. So while I might not be true or "kvlt" enough for some people (the fact that I put both Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth's newest albums on this list is possibly blasphemous enough), it goes without saying that The Underground Regime is the "truest" Black Metal album I've listened to this year. Sure, I missed out on recent releases from 1349 (one of my personal faves), Nachmystium and Watain (who I've heard tons of good things about), you can't really go wrong with a Black Metal supergroup containing the likes of Dimmu Borgir's Shagrath, King ov Hell (formerly ov Gorgoroth) and Frost (famed drummer for Satyricon and 1349). Some purists might balk at the inclusion of Shagrath, and I will admit that his over-produced "robot" voice doesn't quite belong at times, but you can't deny that this is great old school Black Metal. Not ground-breaking but definitely worth a listen.

#4) Bleeding Through - Bleeding Through
After a brutal split with their record label and some member replacements, I have to say that I expected a lot from Bleeding Through's new album, hoping they'd change such negatives into a brutally positive album. And in some ways, the self-titled album is a new beginning for the band. With a slightly heavier sound, the band has drifted away from the broken-relationship-and-heartache lyrical content that they made their mark with. Though it's nice that they're changing pace, I can't help but feel that the change has kinda stripped away the soul and emotion that made their previous albums resonate with me. There's some good heavy songs on this new album, but I'm a bit disappointed that it didn't connect with me so much.

#3) The Sword - Warp Riders
I must admit, I haven't really listened to this album as much as I would've liked. On the surface, The Sword aren't really one of my favorite bands and thus I don't automatically go to them first whenever I want to listen to something new and fresh. But I can't deny these guys' chops and their ability to write a catchy groove. I said it before when I originally got this album but this really is the best description I can think of: listening to The Sword is like playing D&D with Lynyrd Skynyrd. And after just now finding their video for Tres Brujas, I must say that it's one of the more epic metal videos I've seen since probably Mastodon's "Divinations" last year. Anime-styled swordfights with skinny armed music geeks vs a guitar shredding caveman, I'd say that's a pretty even match.

#2) HIM - Screamworks: Love In Theory And Practice Chapters 1-13
After experimenting with Sabbath-esque doom and sludge with "Venus Doom", I didn't really feel like that particular album had as much staying power as its predecessors. To me, HIM's brand of "love metal" works best when it leans towards the pop side of the spectrum. So imagine my giddiness and glee when they released a press statement saying their new album would lean more towards an '80s style new wave sound. And though it's not very heavy, it works rather well and has its moments. So far, it's the HIM album I've listened to more regularly since "Razorblade Romance", which is the most glowing compliment I can think of. Oh, and writing this just reminded me that the band released a remix album that I really need to get my hands on soon.

#1) Dillinger Escape Plan - Option Paralysis
DEP's latest magnum opus has plenty in common with my #1 pick last year, Mastodon's "Crack The Skye". First of all, both albums came out early in the year, meaning that anything that came out afterwards had to somehow top this. And though I'm sure somewhere out there are a ton of great albums that I haven't listened to, nothing I've heard was able to top Option Paralysis. And to me, much like Mastodon did last year, the album is so good that I don't even know if DEP can even top it themselves. Option Paralysis is the culmination of the band's entire career, incorporating the insanity of "Calculating Infinity" that made them post-hardcore legends to some of the more poppier songs from "Miss Machine" and "Ire Works" and making them gel into one cohesive unit. To me, this is the Dillinger Escape Plan at their peak, but I'm willing to see what they'll come up with next.

The Living Dead...

2011-01-21T15:38:00.000-05:00

To any and all that actually still read my blog, I must apologize for this lengthy hiatus. I've been very sick over the past week and haven't been able to update. Once I'm feeling up to it enough, I will return and finish up my Best Of 2010 lists, and probably follow it up with a Random Movie Roundup of all the movies I've been watching while I've been laid out. Of course, while the list is pretty decent, it could've been much larger considering how many episodes of Mythbusters, Bizarre Foods and American Pickers I watched instead. Hope you all are feeling better than I have.

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Music: The Top 10 (Part 1 - #10-#6)

2011-01-12T11:47:00.000-05:00

To any longtime Sarcasmatron readers (as if there are any), already know this isn't going to be a typical Best Of 2010 list. It's not so much a "Best Of" as it is albums of what I managed to get a hold of. I tried to shine the spotlight on those I may have missed out on but this is the list that, for better or worse, I was able to accumulate through my own meager means. So let's get this thing started:

#10 TIE) David Cross - Bigger and Blackerer/Brian Posehn - Fart and Wiener Jokes
Ok, so neither of these albums are musical but this is my list so I can do whatever I want with it. Unfortunately, this was a bit of a disappointing year when it comes to comedy albums. As one of my favorite comedians, I was looking forward to a new David Cross album for years. But as someone who doesn't care much for politics, Cross' acerbic views have become a bit alienating to me...and this is coming from someone who, by and large, agrees with him. To make matters worse, I swear this album had some sort of recording problems as the volumes either range from whisper quiet to ear-shatteringly shrill. Luckily, most of the non-political jokes are top-notch. If I can recommend Bigger and Blackerer (great title, by the way), I say get the performance on DVD if you can find it.

As for Brian Posehn, there's not really much more I can say that hasn't already been said. If you're a nerd and listen to metal, you'll enjoy Posehn. But there's not much else different on Fart and Wiener Jokes that wasn't already on previous album Nerd Rage. Honestly, I'd probably put Nerd Rage above this album in terms of enjoyability. Also, I'm not feeling the musical tracks, particularly More Metal Than You, as much as I did on Nerd Rage.

#9) William Control - Noir
I'm usually pretty open and up-front with what I enjoy. But if I ever had a "guilty pleasure" that I wouldn't be readily to admit, it would probably be William Control. The dark-techno solo project of Aiden's Wil Francis can really be summarized in a couple words - "depraved" and "self-indulgent". What kind of guy would accompany his music with porno samples? (Though I guess I'll have to give him credit and think he's grown up since previous album Hate Culture, as he only used the porn samples in half of his songs, compared to all of them.) And what kind of guy has TWO intros to an album, in addition to an Epilogue? What kind of guy does an acoustic cover of Elvis Presley's "Can't Help Falling In Love" and nestle it in-between songs of self-loathing and drug abuse? On one hand, I'm almost embarrassed to be listening to something this...but I can't stop. Of course, listening to Noir so many times actually help cause a major bout of depression that I haven't totally recovered from so, like everything else in life that's bad for you, it should be enjoyed in moderation.

#8) The Birthday Massacre - Pins and Needles
Speaking of guilty pleasures, I'm sure admitting that I enjoy The Birthday Massacre could expose me as some sort of Hot Topic kid. But I don't care, their songs rock. On the surface, the band's sound hasn't really grown much from album to album. But they did decide to speed up the tempo to some of their songs, making some of their more morose tracks peppy and a bit more upbeat. There's not really a whole lot I can say but if a goth-synth-pop amalgamation is sounds interesting to you, give The Birthday Massacre a shot.

#6 TIE) Dimmu Borgir - Abrahadabra/Cradle of Filth - Darkly Darkly, Venus Aversa
Despite both bands' eventual progression past "true" Black Metal, Dimmu and Cradle still remain the poster-boys of the mainstream version of the genre. Thus, me placing their albums in a tie could be considered as mere laziness. But unfortunately, I just wasn't blown away enough by either one to place them any higher on the list. Dimmu Borgir had a chance to do so as they split from various band members and incorporated a full orchestra and choir to bring them up to a new level. But to me, most of the songs on Abrahadabra ended up being quite basic and if you stripped away the orchestra elements, there wouldn't be much left. In addition, utilizing clean vocalist Snowy Shaw wasn't that great of a mix for Dimmu, evident by the fact that they've already cut the man loose. I'm not going to say that the man doesn't have a voice (even if he does sound like Marilyn Manson with a head cold singing a rock opera), it just doesn't mesh well with Dimmu's sound, even if they are progressing more towards an "epic" sound. In my opinion, just listen to "Gateways", which sounds the closest to an "old-school" Dimmu song, despite it's many shifts in style, and also utilizes better sung vocals than what Shaw has to offer. Oh, and if you're looking for a limited edition for the bonus songs, don't bother with the Hot Topic version. As much as I love cover songs, these ones aren't worth it.

As for Cradle of Filth, it's almost as if they're going the opposite way of Dimmu Borgir. Whereas Dimmu is trying to go with a more orchestral sound, Cradle is seemingly stripping it away little by little. With Darkly..., there's no instrumental interludes that come standard with every other Cradle album, and no speeches by Pinhead to boot. Even though I missed out on previous album Godspeed on the Devil's Thunder, Darkly Darkly, Venus Aversa is possibly, from beginning to end, the heaviest and fastest Cradle of Filth album. However, because of this, the songs seem to blend together into one heavy mess and none of the songs really have their own identity. They're just fast, heavy and that's about it. The only two songs I could pick out of the lineup are "Lilith Immaculate", due to the female vocals, and "Forgive Me Father (I Have Sinned)", due to it sounding different than every other track. Even if you get the special edition with four bonus songs, it's just another four songs that could've been interchangeably swapped out.

Sarcasmatron's 2010 In Music Prelude: The Stuff I Missed Out On

2011-01-03T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. The time of year where we look upon the previous 364 days and wonder what exactly we wasted our time on...I mean fondly look back at the things that entertained us. Yeah, that's it. I wish I could have a massive list upwards to 40-50 titles but I'm only one man with a very limited budget. So obviously there's going to be A LOT of things that I might enjoy that slipped through the cracks. And since I like to believe that I have a wide range of what I do, or at least could, enjoy, the list of things that I missed out on actually ended up being quite varied. So here we go...

My Top 10 List Of Albums I Didn't Get In 2010

#10) Tub Ring - Secret Handshakes
Honestly, I mostly put this on the list just to round it out to a Top 10. I only own one Tub Ring record ("The Great Filter") and while it was pretty decent, it wasn't enough to make me a die-hard fan of theirs. And as I'm listening to some of the tracks of "Secret Handshakes", there really isn't enough to make me want to run out and get this album. But hey, they're trying their best and at least they're doing something original, so more power to them.

#9) Die Antwoord - $o$
The only way I can explain Die Antwoord is "This is what happens when you give carnies the ability to make music". Sure, they might not be running around with a accordion box and a monkey that steals people's hats, but as a freakish looking hip-hop trio from South Africa, that's close enough for me. I actually did download this album (I got the version that they released for free before they got a record deal and re-released it, so I'm in the clear...right?) and as a person that doesn't consider himself a fan of hip-hop or rap, I thought some tracks were misses but they know how to make a catchy beat. And MC Ninja does have mad skillz...even if he does rap in predominantly South African slang that borders on gibberish at times.

#8) The Left Rights - Bad Choices Made Easy
As a big fan of Mindless Self Indulgence, you'd think I would have snagged the side-project of Jimmy Urine and Steve Righ? by now but I haven't. With my limited income, it's kinda hard for me to justify a purchase of an album that could be considered full of bite-sized beats and songs that didn't quite make it onto an official MSI album. To me, The Left Rights are kinda like the Thanksgiving leftovers to the aural smorgasbord that is Mindless Self Indulgence. Some of them might taste good cold but others will just get left in the fridge to get moldy. I don't know exactly where I was going with that metaphor but whatever.

#7) Nachmystium - Addicts: Black Meddle Part II
Though I didn't blow my load over their previous album, "Assassins: Black Meddle Part I", like the collective metal community at large, I did think Nachmystium were doing enough to distinguish themselves from the rest of the pack and stand out. I would like to imagine Addicts goes even further in pushing the envelope, maybe drifting away from Black Metal itself and turning into straight up Prog. Of course, I'd probably get to hear it for myself if I could find a damn copy of it.

#6) Girl Talk - All Day
It's kinda odd that I put this on my "Missed Out" list considering I actually do own the album. Of course, it came out as a free download as I'm sure the RIAA would burn down DJ Gregg Gillis' home if he tried to make money off of an album consisting of nothing but mashing-up samples of other songs. But the reason it's on this list is that I've listened to it a whopping one time so far since it came out. My bad. That doesn't mean that Girl Talk isn't one of the most creative outlets in recent musical history.

#5) Sigh - Scenes From Hell
Yeah, I may be a Japan-o-phile at times but the fact that Sigh hails from Japan is purely coincidental. They could have come from Hawaii or Mars or Gary, Indiana and I still would enjoy them. While "Gallows Gallery" was disappointing to me, "Imaginary Sonicscape" and "Hangman's Hymn" should be recommended to anyone who enjoys a more progressive slant on Black Metal. I'm sure "Scenes From Hell" can hang with such company.

#4) 1349 - Demonoir
I'd blame it on the weather but since there's no snow on the ground and it isn't bitterly cold as a Northwest Ohio winter can be, I don't really know why I'm in such a mood for Black Metal right now. For the past week or so, I've had a rotation of Immortal, Mayhem, Dark Funeral and Gorgoroth going in my car. And now that I think about it, I'm cursing myself for not including 1349 in that rotation. I don't really keep track of what is "troo" or "kvlt" in the world of Black Metal, I just like what I like. And to me, 1349 should be up there with the legends of Black Metal and I'm sure will reach that distinction in time.

#/2 TIE) Enslaved - Axioma Ethica Odini / Agalloch - Marrow of the Spirit
Remember how I previously said that I don't really keep track of what's the best in metal lately? Take for example these two albums. Both Enslaved and Agalloch have flown under my radar until recently, when one of my friends suggested both of these albums, a recommendation even more glowing after she had seen Enslaved live. After picking up the new issue of Decibel to check out their Top 40 Albums of 2010 to see that Agalloch had reached #1 while Enslaved earned the #5 spot, I guess these people know what they're talking about.

#1) Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles
Anyone who may have read my list last year would remember Crystal Castles being mentioned, mostly due to me feeling bad for having downloaded their album because it was so good. It seems as if history has repeated itself. Just as Crystal Castles put out another self-titled album (yes, both of their albums are self-titled), I downloaded it once again. I've been trying to find a copy whenever I go shopping but no such luck yet. And it's sad because as good as their first album was, the new album outshines it in every conceivable way. The catchy songs are catchier, the moody songs even moodier. While the first album had some songs that were repetitious and begged to be skipped (try listening to "Good Times" once and not have it etched into your psyche to the point where you'd want to scrape it out with a wire brush), every song on their new album begs to be repeated.

In Which I Brag About All The Stuff I Got For Christmas

2010-12-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

Hey all, I hope you've all had a great Christmas season. At first, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't due to me not having any Christmas spirit at all. Over the years, it seemed as if my capability of feeling good and having the so-called "Christmas spirit" has gone down. The novelty of Christmas music has faded a long time ago due to having it crammed down my throat while working years of retail and customer service. I'm getting to the age where I don't really want much that I can't get myself. And even buying presents for others, normally I'd be glad to shop for my family (particularly my nieces and nephews) but I get down on myself wanting to get them more than I can afford. Also, much like last year, I actually didn't have anything to do on Christmas Day due to my family's celebrations schedule being shifted around. But thankfully I did get to spend time with my family. And even though I wasn't expecting to get much, I received more than enough presents. Of course, I couldn't get the things I really want in life: namely a better paying job and a decent girl that won't ignore me or run away whenever I try to talk to her. But until those come, I guess I have plenty else to occupy my time with.

From Me: Fallout New Vegas
Yeah, I got myself a Christmas present, which I'm sure I previously mentioned in my "Black Friday" entry. At $35, I couldn't pass it up...especially since I only had 15 minutes to complete the order on Amazon, causing me to rush and pick out random things for everyone else. Luckily, I did well, except for getting my sister The Goonies on DVD, which she already had. Ah well.

From Sister #1: Scott Pilgrim vs The World DVD and a Simpsons mug (with hot cocoa)
Honestly, Scott Pilgrim was the only thing that I REALLY wanted this year, holding off buying it myself and giving both of my sisters an idea of what I wanted. Otherwise, I'd just say "Get me whatever".

From Sister #2: A couple of shirts, cookies and lottery tickets
When put that way, it looks like I got shafted. But I didn't. I did managed to win $2 on the lottery tickets and I like cookies. However, I did decide to return one of the shirts, since it was the wrong size (I guess I could squeeze into a Large but I prefer XL). And with that money, I ended up getting Season 5 of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Boom.

From Mom and Stepdad: NBA Jam for the Wii, The Other Guys/Talladega Nights DVDs, new wallet and $50 Best Buy gift card
My mom was kinda confused that I would ask for a sports game but when it's a remake of one of my favorite games that I used to play on my Super Nintendo when I was younger, I wanted to give it another go. Ironically enough, I haven't even tried the new version yet. I didn't even ask for The Other Guys but considering I missed it in theaters while a few of my friends thought it was great, I was glad to get it. Oddly enough, while The Other Guys was Widescreen, it was bundled with a Full Screen copy of Talladega Nights. Normally I loathe Pan & Scan but after watching it, it wasn't that bad. I'd still prefer a Widescreen copy though. But what I was most psyched about was the Best Buy gift card, which I used to get Fable III and John Woo's The Killer on DVD. Despite having NBA Jam and Fallout New Vegas, I've been playing Fable III the most so far. I might do a review of it after I play through it more but honestly, as a big fan of Fable II, I'm still getting used to the changes.

From Dad and Stepmom: $130 gift card and a zip-up sweater
I was definitely glad to get the gift card...but not to blow it on whatever I wanted. Honestly, with work slowing down and me not getting a lot of hours, I actually used almost $100 of that gift card on groceries that'll hopefully last me through the winter. But I did have enough left over to buy some things I actually wanted. I got a copy of Watchmen for cheap while I was buying groceries and I used the rest to buy a couple of wrestling DVDs: the Chris Jericho set and WWE's Highest Flyers. I haven't been able to buy any wrestling DVDs lately so these were the first ones in a while.

And that's about it. To some, it may not look like I got much. But trust me, I got more than what I actually wanted. I don't know what I'll write about next but since there's only a week left in the year 2010, I should have my Best Of lists for movies and music up somewhat soon. And who knows when my friends and I do another podcast. Or maybe I'll just get drunk on New Year's and see what happens. I'll see you in 2011.

Sarcasmatron @ The Movies: The Fantastic 4 (1994)

2010-12-14T18:34:00.001-05:00

After a week or so, our second Sarcasmatron @ The Movies podcast is finally up. This time, the gang and I decided to review the unreleased (officially, at least) Fantastic 4 movie made in the early 1990's with no intent on it ever seeing the light of day.

Go to the blip.tv page HERE

OR

Download the mp3 HERE

Random Movie Roundup: Part...Whatever

2010-12-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

I know it seems like a while since I've done much of anything on Sarcasmatron but I haven't forgotten to update...at least not completely. I haven't really been watching a lot of movies lately but I still have a stack of 'em here accumulating over the past month or so just waiting to be reviewed a bit, even if it's half-assed. In addition, I just recorded a podcast review with some other members of the V1kM crew for a movie that I'm keeping under wraps. But believe me, it won't take me as long to post this one than it did for the Super Mario Bros. podcast. Now if I can just pay more attention to writing up some mini-reviews instead of watching every episode of Pawn Stars that Netflix can stream or playing Fallout New Vegas, then I might get a decent Random Movie Roundup out of this.

In The Loop - A while back, I saw a video on YouTube to the extent of "The Best 100 Movie Insults" or some other arbitrary number like that. And a good five of them came from the poopmouth of a middle-aged British guy in a movie called In The Loop. So I ended up buying this movie on that basis alone...and the fact that it was on sale at Best Buy for about $5. I was a bit disappointed that the guy wasn't the lead character and thus cursing up a storm for the entire movie but it's a decent movie. I know it's gotten plenty of rave reviews but I can only say "decent" since this movie centers on politics. And I LOATHE politics. Of course, since this is a comedy, it's all about the incompetence that goes on behind the scenes. But since I don't keep track of politics whatsoever, a good portion of the humor was lost on me, in addition to the fact that a good number of the characters have thick British accents that tend to run on too quickly at times. Oh and it has a bit of a downer ending. I'm normally all for seeing unlikeable characters getting their comeuppance in the end or seeing their lives fall apart, but having it happen in the high stakes world of politics where declaring war hinges on the behavior of these unlikeable characters is kinda much. So while In The Loop may be a great satirical movie, I'm not the target audience but I would recommend it to others. Oh yeah, and Anna Chlumsky, the girl from the My Girl movies in the '90s, got kinda hot. C+

Akira - As big of a fan of Asian Cinema as I am, you'd be shocked to know that my interest in anime borders on ambivalence. I don't really mind anime as a form of entertainment but I don't understand the fanboy/girl-ism and the mindset that anime is better than everything. But I guess I was in the mood for a little anime and thus I popped in the only work of anime that I actually own on DVD: Akira. If I had to watch anime, I'd be a little partial to whatever comes out in the '80s, and even earlier in the case of some of Hayao Miyazaki's works, particularly The Castle of Cagliostro (which I believe I still own on VHS). It's like my love for all things '80s and all things Japan just come together in cases like this. Plus, the animation quality of something from that time period is far more impressive than most of today's anime, in my opinion. So while the story of Akira gets pretty ethereal and confusing near the end, I can still appreciate Akira not only as one of the best anime productions but also a work of art. A

Mega Piranha - While I was super-pumped about seeing Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, the whole novelty kinda wore off once Mega Piranha came out soon thereafter. Luckily Mega Piranha has popped up in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart (as well as plenty of other releases from The Asylum) so I was able to give it a chance without having to actually watch TV (which I rarely do anymore). And basically, Mega Piranha is pretty much exactly the same as Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, right down to getting a teen idol from the '80s (in this case, Tiffany) playing some sort of marine biologist. Really, you don't go into this kind of movie expecting high art or great storytelling but it still would've been nice to see something that would help differentiate it and set it apart from the pack. But I guess they stick to a formula and since it's done them well so far. Besides, if they didn't stick to the formula, then we wouldn't be getting Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus starring Urkel. I shit you not.

David Cross: Let America Laugh - Even though my fandom for him as waned in recent years, I still consider David Cross one of my favorite stand-up comedians. Let America Laugh chronicles the cross-country stand-up tour he did which culminated in his album "Shut Up You Fucking Baby". And it kinda made me realize that I don't think I want to have a career in stand-up, despite me wanting to make people laugh. Let America Laugh is more of a "Behind The Scenes" project and focuses on the places he went and the people he met. And yes, that includes hecklers, the totally inebriated and the just plain dumb. I have much respect for stand-up comedians going up on stage and plying their trade in front of a group of people, whether they appreciate it or not. And I appreciate it more knowing that I probably won't even come close. B+

Zombi 3 - I was in the mood to watch Lucio Fulci's City of the Living Dead but for some odd reason, my PS2 wouldn't read the DVD. So instead I settled on Zombi 3, which was only about half-directed by Fulci until he quit the production and was replaced by Bruno Mattei. As big of a fan I am of Fulci's work, I don't really know much about Bruno Mattei. I know The Cinema Snob is a big fan of his so I'm willing to give some of his movies a try. So I watched Zombi 3...and remembered why I hardly ever watch it despite my love for it's predecessor, Zombi 2. It's not so much that it's a bad movie, just really unmemorable and not an accurate representation of Lucio Fulci's work, as well as Bruno Mattei's I'd imagine. So in short, it's just a random zombie movie that exists. I guess if you're some sort of completionist, you might want to check it out. But I just watched it a few days ago and honestly can't remember much about it. C-

Raising Arizona - Since this is a Nicolas Cage movie, I may just not write a review and instead put it off for consideration for the next installment of Nic-Cellence...whenever that may be. So there.

Robo Geisha - Instead of attempting to write a review for this movie, I'll just show you the trailer. Robo Geisha comes from the people that made movies like The Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police so if that doesn't explain anything to you, the trailer will. If I had to rate Robo Geisha, I'd say it's definitely better than Tokyo Gore Police (one of the few movies that made me feel like less of a person for watching it) but not as good as The Machine Girl. B

The Last Dragon - Much like Tron, The Last Dragon is one of those movies that embodies the '80s to me. From the bad music to the bad fashion to overtly oblivious racism to anything else you can imagine existing in the '80s, The Last Dragon has it. Of course, it also has plenty of kung-fu fighting. And to me, a hero's story is only as good as its villain and there aren't many villains out there like Sho'Nuff The Shogun of Harlem. Even compared to many '80s villains of the time, Sho'Nuff stands out to me, particularly when he commands Leroy (aka Bruce Lee-Roy) to bow down and "kiss his Converse". Sho'Nuff is badass personified. And I guess the rest of the movie is alright as well. B