Sardonic nit witticism

Say Whaaa??

2013-11-30T10:38:00.001-05:00

Recently the teacher placed the following Post-it onto my desk. I read it and reread it three times and kept coming up with the same thing - I need to get bugs from my ear.

I had No Idea what she was trying to tell me.

Later in the day when I saw her, it all started to make sense. She was creating a project for our Kindergartners and needed a way for them to store their masterpieces. I asked her what the note meant, and she said ...

Wait for it ...

"I need to get bags from my car."
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One of those days ...

2013-04-28T13:09:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those days you didn't know which you were?

Doh!!!

2012-02-04T13:57:00.000-05:00

Here's a dialog that occurred the other day at school. Little girl raises her hand in the cafeteria and I called on her:

Little girl: "I'm six!"

Me: "Really! When did you turn six?"

Little girl: "On my birthday."

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Keep This Warning Tag Away From Appliance

2012-01-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

This warning tag was on an electric heater we’ve had for many years. It originally was close to the plug end of the cord. Over time, it had loosened and found its way closer to the heater.

Well, guess what happened. Yeah, it had worked its way into the heating element and started a small fire. In spite of the statement, “Do not remove this tag,” I decided to remove it anyway.

More Balls

2012-01-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

We have an event at our elementary school called Fun Run. Donors promise a certain amount of money for each lap their kid can complete. The kids usually run around our track about 15-16 laps.

Some teachers use the event as a “teachable moment.” In advance of the Fun Run, the kids are told the money can be used for such things as a drinking fountain at the playground, more soccer balls, etc.

This class was asked to complete the sentence “I am running in the fun run because …”

This is what one first grader drew:

Bitchcraft

2011-12-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Bitchcraft [bich-kraft]

noun

A series of practices where a group of people, most often women, plot and execute evil actions against others, also typically women.

Cell Phone vs Talking to Passenger

2011-12-28T18:22:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between hands-free talking on a cell phone in a car versus talking to a passenger in the car?

A: The person with whom you're talking hands-free is much less likely to shout, "Watch out!!"

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2011-12-07T17:42:00.003-05:00

Effective immediately, all employees from 2^nd level management down will be taking a 10% pay cut. This amounts to about $5000 a year per employee.

To show that there is indeed sympathy from Upper Management, I myself hereby volunteer to take a $5000 pay cut as well.

School Bus Ads

2011-03-18T08:43:00.000-04:00

New Jersey's Republican Gov. Chris Christie signed legislation in January making his state the sixth to allow advertising on school buses.

Really. What IS the world coming to?
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Smile Pretty for the Camera

2010-11-04T08:20:00.004-04:00

Here's a shocking story out of Pennsylvania. It seems a certain school district has been discreetly photographing students in their homes via the built in web cam of their school-supplied laptops in the name of theft recovery. After some recovered laptops were returned to the school, the district's IT team "forgot" to turn the web spying software off.

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Blackberry Overload

2010-09-09T07:02:00.002-04:00

The F word

2010-08-26T06:36:00.003-04:00

I heard a Kindergarten teacher say the F word to her class yesterday.

I'm serious!

She was teaching the letter F, and she said, "Now class, let's see if we can find the 'F' word in this sentence."

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Do Not Eat

2010-06-26T21:41:00.005-04:00

Thank God I read the warning. I was just about to fire up the grill.

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Gum in School Helps Students Focus

2010-03-11T07:59:00.003-05:00

According to a report in the Fredrick News Post (MD), schools are handing out chewing gum to help the kids concentrate during tests.

Citing research that shows chewing increases the ability to concentrate and has a positive effect on thinking, memory and other cognitive tasks, many schools are offering hard candy and chewing gum to students this week.
"There is this research that shows chewing helps us stay more attentive, and to stay on task," Anderson said Monday. "But there is that affective piece too -- it's the novelty, it's different and it probably just helps relieve some of the stress from taking the tests."

Funny, that's not how I remember teachers dealing with students who chewed gum.

OK, if you SAY so, come on in

2009-12-04T05:31:00.008-05:00

So. Some peckerheads crashed a White House party uninvited, after having convinced the Secret Service that they belonged.

The SS's response? "We didn't follow procedure."

I'll bet THAT'S never happened before.
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Looking Buff in the Kitchen

2009-11-19T01:28:00.007-05:00

Man Caught Naked in His Own Kitchen.

So let me get this straight. A woman walks through a man's yard, looks into his window at his butt-naked self and claims "indecent exposure." But if the man crossed her yard and looked through her window, she'd probably say he's a "Peeping Tom."

Am I missing something here? Why is it always the man who's committed a crime??
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If it's Broke, Fix It!

2009-11-11T10:37:00.003-05:00

According to The Dallas Morning News,

More government money is spent on abstinence education here than any other state, but Texas leads the country in the percentage of teen mothers who've given birth more than once. It has the country's third-highest teen birth rate.

Well, Duhhhh...
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Pick Up

2009-10-17T21:20:00.003-04:00

Insurance Blues

2009-10-17T20:30:00.002-04:00

Freeze! Drop that Popsicle Stick!

2009-10-13T16:36:00.002-04:00

Here's a thought. How about instead of suspending little kids for innocently bringing items to school resembling weapons in the name of Zero Tolerance, let's go after the students who are carrying real weapons to school.

Here's how Dictionary.com defines weapon:

n.
An instrument of attack or defense in combat, as a gun, missile, or sword.
Zoology A part or organ, such as a claw or stinger, used by an animal in attack or defense.
A means used to defend against or defeat another: Logic was her weapon.

Note in particular the example in the third definition. "Logic was her weapon."

The thought of how school administrators would apply Zero-Tolerance to a student using logic as a weapon scares me.

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Same to You, Lady!

2009-09-27T14:55:00.004-04:00

So my wife and I are at Kroger, a food chain here in NC, for our weekly shopping. When we get to checkout, we see the only open lane is the express lane, and there's about six carts in line.

I go to the self-checkout area and tell the employee there that the only open lane is Express. So she says, "OK, I'll call for someone." A moment later, I hear the announcement for someone to come up to checkout.

Another moment later, I see an employee walk to a lane and she says, "I can help someone here." I navigate our buggy into the lane and start unloading. While doing so, some nutcase lady comes up to me and starts laying into me about taking that lane. She said when a new lane opens, they usually take the next in line, "not the first one who can run over there and jump in the lane!"

I said, "Excuse me, but were it not for me asking, this lane wouldn't have even been opened." She continues, "Some gentleman YOU are! Blah, blah, blah. I can tell YOU'RE not from The South!"

I said, "How can you tell? Because I don't have a bug up my butt?"

Well, actually I don't think that last part came out out loud, but I kinda wish it had.

Worst Men's Room I've ever had the Pleasure to Visit

2009-09-13T11:22:00.013-04:00

If you've read my post about mysterious men's room doors or the one about toilet seat noises from the ladies' room, or even the one about moronic toilet seatcovers, you may believe I'm hung up on the commode.

Regardless, the experience I had last night in the restroom of a popular restaurant at which we hang was ridiculous.

I excused myself to visit this restroom from hell. I walk into the stall, and the door wouldn't lock. In fact, the lock mechanism was just hanging there. I even risked being locked into this devil-possessed stall by attempting to wiggle the dangling lock parts into some semblance of claspage, but to no avail.

So I gave up and entered the only remaining stall. The lock worked fine, the auto-flush mechanism, on the other hand, was a different story. As I sat there, not quite finished with the business at hand, the toilet flushed. And not once, but about three times. I wanted to smash the whole thing to bits.

My next order of business was to wash my hands. I approached the sinks with the auto-start faucets and pumped a glob of soap onto my palm. I placed my hands in Sink #1 - no water. I waved my hands in Sink #1, Sink #2 - nothing.

Sink #3 was my final hope. Nope. At this point I was swinging on the bar over Stall #1 (the one with the unshackled shackle) praying the motion would set Sink #3 dribbling something, anything, I'd have settled for unrecycled kitchen sink water at this point. Nothing.

Having fallen off this vertical stripper pole from still having liquid soap in my hands, I vowed to get the hell out of that demon room of the devil as quick as my aching, wobbling legs could take me. But I figured at least I should wipe the soap off my hands first. Walking over to the auto-dispense paper towel unit, and seeing the reflection of fear in my face through the mirror, I meekly waved my hand over the electric eye. Voila! Results! I got about two inches of towel released. I kept waving to get enough towel to clean the now gelling soap off my hands, fearing my wife would believe I stuck her with the check again.

I managed to get most of this goop off my hands, wiped as much of the slop out of the nooks and crannies of my wedding ring, and looked for the paper receptacle to toss my smidgen of trash.

Wasn't one anywhere. Of course.

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Is There a Doctor in the House?

2009-08-22T07:38:00.002-04:00

Any doctors or doctors' staff who can tell me what this note says? My wife is supposed to turn this in to her employer.

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07/08/09

2009-07-08T18:05:00.003-04:00

Well, did anything weird happen to you today - a day that had some people freaking out because the date was 07/08/09?

Did for me. Take a look at the fast food receipt, from a restaurant that will remain unnamed, specifically the total amount for my meal.

This could mean only one thing - Michael Jackson is actually still alive and is living in seclusion so that his fans never learn that he had Farrah's poster up on his wall when he was a kid.

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Schwartz "R" Us

2009-05-29T07:42:00.004-04:00

Toys giant FAO Schwartz has just been purchased by Toys "R" Us.