Ah, the rites of spring . . . robins, crocuses, Daylight Saving Time and most important of all, corporate annual reports and meetings.  Today, the Sassistas! will take on corporate annual reports.  Tomorrow, corporate annual meetings.

A couple of weeks ago, Warren E. Buffett, founder and chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, released his 2009 annual report letter, a document Flann always reads carefully because Buffett, unlike most of corporate America, actually employs the English language and writes in a clear, folksy way to his shareholders.  "Big opportunities come infrequently. When it's raining gold, reach for a bucket, not a thimble," he wrote this year.  Now why can't all CEOs write that clearly in their shareholder letters?  Following are ACTUAL excerpts from annual report shareholder letters:

1. "We met expectations because we were certain to extrapolate; further, we remembered that verification had to be kinesthetic."
2. "Last year, we considered the implications of the demise of geography as a constraint, as a consequence of advances in information, communications and transportation technologies, globalization, environmentalism and spirituality regarding decisions that enterprises made concerning the locations and attributes of the physical and virtual environments in which they operate.  These concepts had profound implications on how businesses and individuals related to tangible and virtual environments."
3. "This was a result of part of our strategic plan priority goal to 'improve the fiscal optimization to increase net revenue variance'."
4. "Sometimes results reflect an incumbent sense of onus."
5. "This past year, XXX launched new products and sales programs to drive growth, globalized consulting practices to reflect scale and markets and increased [company's] visibility within important industry specific communities."
6. "A vertically-focused consulting and systems integration capability allows us to leverage our deep industry expertise to provide clients with innovative, end-to-end, IT-enabled business solutions and services."
7. "A significant opportunity exists to identify and capture value by utilizing consulting and financial services to collapse the transactions/supply chain and improve transaction transparency utilizing e-commerce solutions.  We believe that an e-commerce portal addressing the retail sub-vertical segment of the commercial real estate market would be of great value to the marketplace."

The Sassistas! need your help, sistas and mistas.  You sassignment is to share your own examples of corporate jargon from corporate annual reports and/or translate into simple and clear English any one of the above seven excerpts.  Or take an excerpt and compose a haiku. 

We know you can do it!  Don't forget to hold your nose.

DAHLINKS! 

Edna here to offer her unique opinions on the 2010 Oscar fashions.  Let me start, dahlinks . . . please do not interrupt . . . with a general statement that Oscar fashion was a bit boring, certainly not DARING, for Edna; after all, Alexander McQueen is no longer with us (may he rest in peace).  That being said, let Edna say that metallics were one of the biggest trends of the night, alongside pastel pinks and off white.  Also, nary a shoulder was covered, with our celebs favoring strapless or one-shoulder gowns.

Sandra, such a pretty girl.  Too boring.  Too Oscar (as in statuette).  And honey, a little curl to that whirl.  A little dip will do ya (and I'm not referring to your husband).  Sarah Jessica: half-a-sista was right.  That looks like a car grill on your bosom. I'm hoping it was a Bentley that bent you.  Cameron: thankfully you can dress.  Next goal: mastering the teleprompter.  Miley: stand up straight, dahlink!  If you collapse any more, you'll be Britney Spears career.

Charlize: Cinnabon called and wants its pastries back.  Zoe Something from "Avatar" -- four words from Jerseysista:  "wine-soaked dust bunnies."  Mariah: someday you'll be a mother and regret that outfit. Carey -- thankfully you are young.  You have time to grow into your earrings.

Maggie: perhaps you did not read the invitation clearly.  This was not a luau.  Mo'nique: GENIUS!  I loved your tribute to Hattie McDaniel.  Penelope -- you have a style all your own; like buttah.  Vera: Ruffles have ridges and apparently, beet juice.

Queen: I bow to you.  Jeff and wife: I have a crazy heart for you.  Robert Downey, Jr.: you need another rehab . . . as in fashion rehab.  While there, call Dr. Seuss.  Tell him, "No more gowns for the wife."  Oh, the places you'll go!

My favorite foursome of the evening.  Ladies, you are ALL winners.  You are SO on target with these gun-metal dresses.  Dahlinks, you hit me with your best shot!  Ouch! BULLS-EYE!  Hit me again!

What did you think, dahlinks?  Let Edna know!

Here are the official Sassistas! 2010 Oscar predictions! A black "X" means this nominee WILL WIN; a red circle means this nominee SHOULD WIN; a black "+" means Matissta disagrees with Flann and thinks this nominee WILL WIN; and a red circle and a black "X" means both WILL WIN and SHOULD WIN.  What are your predictions?  Stay tuned tonight as the Sassistas! will be blogging live, along with Jerseysista and Sassley. Please join us!

  "Avatar"
  "The Blind Side"
  "District 9"
  "An Education"
  "The Hurt Locker"
  "Inglourious Basterds"
  "Precious"
  "A Serious Man"
  "Up"
  "Up in the Air"

  James Cameron, "Avatar"
  Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker"
  Quentin Tarantino, "Inglorious Basterds"
  Lee Daniels, "Precious"
  Jason Reitman, "Up in the Air"

  Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart"
  George Clooney, "Up in the Air"
  Colin Firth, "A Single Man"
  Morgan Freeman, "Invictus"
  Jeremy Renner, "The Hurt Locker"

  Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side"
  Helen Mirren, "The Last Station"
  Carey Mulligan, "An Education"
  Gabourey Sidibe, "Precious"
  Meryl Streep, "Julie & Julia"

  Matt Damon, "Invictus"
  Woody Harrelson, "The Messenger"
  Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station"
  Stanley Tucci, "The Lovely Bones"
  Christoph Waltz, "Inglourious Basterds"

  Penelope Cruz, "Nine"
  Vera Farmiga, "Up in the Air"
  Maggie Gyllenhaal, "Crazy Heart"
  Anna Kendrick, "Up in the Air"
  Mo'Nique, "Precious"

  "Burma VJ"
  "The Cove"
  "Food, Inc."
  "The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon         Papers"
  "Which Way Home"

  "Coraline," Henry Selick
  "Fantastic Mr. Fox," Wes Anderson
  "The Princess and the Frog," John Musker and Ron Clements
  "The Secret of Kells," Tomm Moore
  "Up," Pete Docter

"Avatar"
  "District 9"
"The Hurt Locker"
  "Inglourious Basterds"
  "Precious"

"Ajami," Israel
  "El Secreto de Sus Ojos," Argentina
  "The Milk of Sorrow," Peru
  "Un Prophete," France
  "The White Ribbon," Germany

  "District 9"
  "An Education"
  "In the Loop"
  "Precious"
  "Up in the Air"

  "The Hurt Locker"
  "Inglourious Basterds"
  "The Messenger"
  "A Serious Man"
  "Up"

  "Avatar"
  "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus"
  "Nine"
  "Sherlock Holmes"
  "The Young Victoria"

  "Avatar"
  "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"
  "The Hurt Locker"
  "Inglourious Basterds"
  "The White Ribbon"

  "Almost There," Randy Newman ("The Princess and the Frog")
  "Down in New Orleans," Randy Newman ("The Princess and the Frog")
  "Loin de Paname," Wagner & Thomas ("Paris 36")
  "Take It All," Maury Yeston ("Nine")
  "The Weary Kind," Bingham & Burnett ("Crazy Heart")

For example, what the trees do

not only in lightning storms

or the watery dark of a summer night

or under the white nets of winter

but now, and now, and now -- whenever

we're not looking.  Surely you can't imagine

they just stand there looking the way they look

when we're looking; surely you can't imagine

they don't dance, from the root up, wishing

to travel a little, not cramped so much as wanting

a better view, or more sun, or just as avidly

more shade -- surely you can't imagine they just

stand there loving every

minute of it, the birds or the emptiness, the dark rings

of the years slowly and without a sound

thickening, and nothing different unless the wind,

and then only in its own mood, comes

to visit, surely you can't imagine

patience, and happiness, like that.

-- Mary Oliver, "Can You Imagine" from Long Life

(photos taken by Carolyn's brother)

Since saddlin' up on March 5, 2008, the Sassistas! have published 677 posts and received 20,250+ comments . . . an average of nearly 30 comments per post.  YA-HOOOO!  And on Wednesday, we surpassed 220,400 lifetime views.  On our first anniversary, we had just surpassed 90,000 lifetime views. So our numbers are building.

But you know what?  We don't care about numbers.  We care about you.  We care about Westsista, who each month, posted knock-you-off-your-saddle "Meet the Sass" (12, count 'em, TWELVE posts) that challenged all of us.  Or half-a-sista, who posted about "Christian Jihad" (May 27, 2009) or about his travels to such exotic places like Precious Moments (Oct. 2), plus other provocative posts.  We care about Jerseysista, who posted about "Paella Mandela" on April 2 (the beginning of several posts in 2009).  We care about Carolyn, who posted about donating a kidney on June 3.  And we care about babysis, when we published her first post, "Monster Jam!" on February 25 of this year.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the comments.  The Sassistas! may open the gates, but the real heart of the sassosphere can be found after the gates open . . . in the corral of comments -- the most intelligent and hilarious comment feed to be found in all of the blogosphere.

So what have you learned about life and about yourself this year in -- and out -- of the sassosphere?  To make your thoughtfulness worthwhile, the Sassistas! will donate $10 for every comment today (up to $500) to IDignity -- an organization in Central Florida that provides ID cards -- birth certificates and Social Security Cards to the homeless that are crucial to helping them become self-sufficient.  Flannista had the honor of working with some of the rank-and-file of TRM's company who donate their time to this very worthwhile cause.  She plans to make the donation in their name.  So please tell us what you have learned over the past year.

What to say except we are very humbled and grateful, sistas and mistas, to be be entering our third year in the sassosphere.  We couldn't do it without you!  Thank you, and always remember this:  don't squat with your spurs on, though like Sassistas!, it can be surprisingly stimulating!

Love to all.

(P.S.  This is a special sass-out to the mista in Grand Rapids, Michigan, a very gifted artist that I've know now for more than 25 years, who faithfully reads Sassistas! every day and keeps threatening to join the sass feed.  Belly up, pardner!  You're welcome anytime.)

Following an intense day in the sassosphere, the Sassistas! think we need to kick back a little today and take in an extraordinary short video discovered by Matissta.  A "combo" of wall artists got together to create a 4-minute stop-motion animation sequence.  It loops twice, which is great as you'll want to watch it again.

MORE animation by Blu can be found at http://vimeo.com/blu.

Have you ever posted graffiti?  If so, where and what was your message?  Or, if you COULD post graffiti, what would it be?  Pretend the sassosphere has a huge graffiti wall.  Here's your paintbrush -- what will you paint?

The Sassistas! would like to acknowledge and thank Jerseysista for dishing today's sass.

The President, in his State of the Union address, sympathized with the country by bemoaning the “longer hours for less pay” that Americans are working.

We have been spoiled.

Most of the rest of the world has been laboring under depressed wages that barely sustain and in some cases are not enough to do even that. We should not be surprised that a just leveling factor has started to impose itself. We had been immune for so long because we had the luxury of not living in a global economy. We could suck in imports at reduced prices and export goods made at our wage levels.

Now the world is not only our market but also our competitor in wages. We started to see the impact a several decades ago when it was noted how many many more hours per day and days per year Americans worked than other developed countries. Those additional hours were the trade off to enable our goods to be sold overseas at competitive prices while we enjoyed higher wages. Then we started to see a slowdown in wage increases.  Then, when the current repression hit, companies took the opportunity to adjust.

In my own company, I first saw pension cut-backs, then cuts on vacations, then withheld bonuses, then lay-offs, then transfers of jobs to overseas divisions where wages were lower and most recently, wage cuts -- all within a year and a half. In addition, more and more expenses are being pushed out to the employees. The very prevalence of telecommuting is turning each employee in my company into a quasi-independent contractor bearing his or her own costs and bargaining for their jobs.

Who, but the world, do we think we are bargaining against? We are not quite yet waking up. The world is willing to work at much cheaper wages because they live at much lower standards than we Americans. I get tired of hearing the public and our politicians (Republican and Democrat alike) rail against the sending of jobs overseas and against the lowering of wages and the standard of living.

Until we are willing to pay for what we consume, our standard of living SHOULD decrease. We have been living at the expense of the rest of the world and cry at our misfortune of seeing our standard of living now decrease. We have decried the sweat shops and child labor and deforestation of tropical rainforests but we don’t want those areas to compete on a level playing field for our jobs.

It’s time to wake up! Our standard of living is neither a right nor a necessity.  It is certainly not moral to defend that standard of living. Our country is great because of our hard work, willingness to compete and generosity. We need to start buckling down and, if necessary, throw out the luxuries until the rest of the world can catch up.  Are we afraid to compete for a fair wage?

Seven weeks ago yesterday, the Sassistas! published a post entitled, "Mega Ending" -- a trailer for the movie, "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" that we were convinced was merely a trailer for a fake movie.

Well, we were wrong. 

It was, in fact, a REAL trailer for a REAL movie.  So we put the movie in our NetFlix queue and about a week later, watched it at Jerseysista's house, all of us sufficiently numbed by very good Patron tequila.

Because the Sassistas! know you need to know, here is a plot (and we are using the term very loosely) summary: two scientists accidentally discover a mega shark and giant octopus buried in ice under the sea. The ice breaks up (global warming, we assume) and the creatures are on the loose. They start hunting for food and bizarre incidents occur, like the Giant Octopus drags down an oil rig and the Mega Shark grabs a plane by the wings . . . a plane flying at 15,000 feet in air and plumbs it down into the ocean. What to do? What to do?

Well, what to do is to keep the action (again, a term we are using loosely) going, so the Sassistas! and Jersey made a record of the following actual lines in the movie. The challenge to all of you in the sassosphere is to create what line follows the actual movie line . . . the more bizarre, the better:

1. "Does anyone have any forceps?" [MAKE UP THE LINE THAT OUGHT TO FOLLOW THIS ACTUAL LINE!]
2. "There's something big out there. Really big."
3. "These people can be very unpleasant when they don't get their way. Believe me, I know."
4. "Your mother is my mother. We're brothers."
5. "I looked into his eyes.  Do you know what it looked like?"
6. "Don't love the ocean too much, it doesn't love you back."
7. "Listen, screw these environmentalists.  When I give the order, shoot to kill!"
8. "Now if we don't find the Bible means of stopping this f*cker, sharkzilla is gonna own the seas."
9. "Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years.  Wouldn't you be a little horny?"
10. "Thrilla in Manila."
11. "And you little lady, you've got a lot of mouth for someone who's career is all washed up."
12. "It's not easy being brilliant under armed guard."
13. "Holy sh!t!"