Sassy Bitch Society

Crowd-Pleasing Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 6 Oct 2009 13:09:00 -0400

Yup...I think that about covers it for today.

You know who you are.

Guzzles McNewbury, et al.

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:45:00 -0400

It has been 142 days since I posted a damn thing on this blog or any other (except for a quick hello to Jock 3 days ago).... and people still keep showing up via web searches for things related to fuck/fucking.

I am beginning to feel it is my civic duty as a good American, as an upright citizen, as a middle aged female, and as a prior Girl Scout and member of the boys high school tennis team, to feed the fuck-mad public demand that I created.

~~~~~~~~

Therefore, I would like to formally announce my return to the blog world.

I'm still fucking brilliant and if you don't appreciate that -

Fuck off you Fat fucking bastards.

~~~~~~

Sad Little Fuckers, Aren't They?

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sat, 9 May 2009 14:36:00 -0400

I've got this Feedjit thingamabob on my blog. It tells me when you all visited, where you visited from, and how you got here - direct link, photo search, google phrase/word search, etc.

The current top link that people visit from is 2008 Weblog Awards - Yes my dear sweet children, yours truly was a finalist in the "Best New Blog" category. Eat your little motherfucking hearts out.

The top photo search that brings the world to my blog is for "Merkins." (See Sunday Brunch and Pubic Decor)

I now will share with you, the top "phrases/words" that bring people to my fucking blog when they do a google search.

Ready?

1. "Want Fuck."
2. "Fuck fingers."
3. "Famous fuckups."
4. "Fuck off and die."
5. "Fucked up."
6. "Fuck you."
7. "Fuck it."
8. "Fuck me."

You'll notice of course that each one contains the word fuck.

My goal was to get everyone to use the word fuck more often.

My work here is done.

Yeah Fuck You...I'm Not Dead Yet

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Wed, 6 May 2009 14:38:00 -0400

I was away from the blogworld again,

participating in a myriad of family events

that lead to the day of my son-in-laws departure

for Afghanistan

with the USMC.

He left last week.

Semper Fi.

~~~~~~~~

Here is a synopsis of that time:

Community Picnic with Main Course being roast pig.

The neighbors took their pot-belly pig to said pig-pickin.

Yes, the pig ate pig.

A photo of my grandson and son-in-law playing during the community picnic.

Same son-in-law, family going-away-party, ice cream cake frosting on face.

Makes you feel just a bit safer, huh?
One of our dogs, Nala, partaking of a massive bone.

Meet my granddaughter, Harlo.

She is still being processed.

She is due to arrive in early August.

Son-in-laws wife,

grandson's mother,

granddaughter's mother,

and my oldest baby.

~~~~~~~~~

For all of you who hoped it, wished it, and prayed for it,

Fuck you, I'm still here and didn't die.

~~~~~~~~

I'm still fucking brilliant as well.

Lest any of you forget.

Life's Little Fucking Pieces of Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:23:00 -0400

This man is my son-in-law.

This photo was taken 3 months ago

On his 22nd birthday.

In less than 60 days

He will be in Afghanistan.

Between now and then, my daughter and son-in-law need to buy a home, move into it, write their wills, and make arrangments 'just in case,' amongst many other things.

My daughter will be giving birth to their second child in August. Her husband's tour of duty in Afghanistan will be a minimum of 10 months, so he will miss the majority of the pregnancy, the delivery and the first few months of his child's life.

US Marines give up alot to serve their country.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I offer no humor in my 'humor blog' today.

I only ask that you think kindly of our soldiers and wish them well.

They Serve to Live

And Live to Serve.

~~~~~

Semper Fi

Babies and Hoes, Thats What Its All About!

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sun, 8 Mar 2009 10:37:00 -0400

I trolled the internet, hoping to find something with the word "fuck" in it, regarding Daylight Savings Time (which for you non-americans, happens today in the US). I emerge victorious, as usual, because once again, I am fucking brilliant.

I also happen to have learned something new from these images regarding the time change, and it is my duty as a good American to inform you of the same.

I hope you find these as amusing as I do!

I hope you all have a marvelous fucking day.

Or a day of fucking marvelously.

Your choice.

People Are Bastards

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sat, 7 Mar 2009 13:48:00 -0500

This is what we do to our dog when we are bored.

We are bastards you see.

And we love it.

Fuck Responsibility, I Want to Dance Like a White Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Fri, 6 Mar 2009 10:09:00 -0500

Its Friday. The day is g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s. Its 11 AM and beautiful outside.

Today is NOT a good day to be a grown up, thats for damn sure.

I want to be a kid again.

Care to Join Me??

I want to play Red Rover all day and Kick the Can all night.

I want to drink grape soda pop and then laugh until it comes out of my nose.

I want to eat a tuna sandwich with potato chips on it or put Doritos on a hamburger.

I want to walk barefoot in the gutters after a pouring rain, looking for earthworms.

I want to build a tree house...for girls only of course....

and then throw water balloons at all the boys.

I want a candy necklace...and a sticky neck. (You know what I mean.)

I want a gigantic pixie stick....a pure sugar shooter...and I want to savor it for hours.

I want to be the passenger, sitting backwards, on a banana seat bike,

flying down hills at the speed of light!

I want to make my own skateboard - from an old roller skate

(the kind you used to use a key with)....

and then roll down hills over and over, trying not to crash.

I want to play hop scotch, jumprope, and klackers (remember those?)

I want to do a few running swan dives off the high diving board.

I want to make homemade popcorn balls and homemade chex mix.

I want to have a slumber party and play truth or dare

and then call the radio station

and dedicate a song to someone I secretly like.

I want to play some Three Dog Night,

some Mamas and the Papas,

some Dr. Hook,

and some Neil Sedaka.....

I want to dance like a white girl

in my underwear

while singing into my hairbrush

and dreaming about

what I'll be like when I'm a grown up.

Fuck Responsibility people...

lets all play Hookie today and be kids again.

Sigh.

My Little Stud Muffin (My One Nice Day This Month)

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Thu, 5 Mar 2009 15:12:00 -0500

I have always heard the stories about how wonderful being a grandparent is.

Well, let me tell you, the stories don't hold a candle to reality.

I don't have to worry about schedules.

I don't have to worry about naps.

We play or eat when we want to.

I'm not wondering if I'll be able to afford clothing, diapers, toys....

there is no stress over bills.

We simply play.

And smile.

And giggle.

And laugh.

And cuddle.

And play some more.

Grandmas are for treats and chocolate milk and noisy toys.

We are for messy foods, silly outfits, silly songs,

and lots of the"Noggin" Channel.

He makes me more patient, softer, more gentle, kinder and happier.

He doesnt care what I do, who I know, or what I think.

He just knows I'm grandma and I'm fun and safe and warm.

Life doesn't get any better than this.

~~~~

Well hold on, it will.

My second grandchild is due in August.
Somedays, I can hardly wait!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I think this little guy looks like Heath Ledger.

I must have said that out loud to people 100 times.

That was before I realized

that my little stud muffin

was born the very day that Heath died.

Coincidence?

~~~~~~~~

Photo Credits: Sher Hilliard Photography

Wednesday Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Wed, 4 Mar 2009 11:18:00 -0500

Our stove died, ovens, burners and all. We don't have the money to fix it until payday. (Such is life, huh!). We have one small local store and I decide to go there to see if they have anything inexpensive we can use until payday. The story of that visit follows:

I enter the store and note that the store manager is checking customers out, with about 5 people in line. I grab a cart and begin to wander through the aisles. After 30 minutes of not finding anything useful, I get in line to check out with my Coke and Mt. Dew. The cashier/clerk is no longer the store manager, the girl checking people out is apparently new, as I have never seen her before and as this is the only local store in our small town, I am at this store at least 3 times per week.

Me to Clerk: I know you had these last year, but I cannot find them this year, so I am asking... Do you have those individual stove burners that sit alone on the counter?

Clerk: Um... ma'am we have burner covers ?

Me: No, what I mean is the actual burner, it plugs into the wall...looks like an electric stove burner...I saw them here last year once but cannot find them now. Do you still have them?

Clerk: Um... well ma'am I know we have those metal pan thingies that go under the burners ?

Me: No...this is an actual burner...plugs in, you can put pans on it...cook on it...Oh, I think its sometimes called a Hot Plate.

Clerk: (Big smile) Oh Yes Ma'am...we have plates. They are plastic.

Me: No, I......

Clerk: (Interrupting me)... But ma'am our plates aren't hot...they are plastic...they might melt if they were hot.

Me: No...I do NOT mean plates. IT. IS. AN. ELECTRIC. BURNER. It plugs into the wall, you cook on it, and sometimes I think its called a Hot Plate. Have you seen any in the store?

Clerk: Please ma'am, I really don't think you can put these plastic plates on a burner. They will melt and it will stink pretty bad.

Me (Teeth gritted): Where is the store manager?

Lady in Line behind me to her children: Listen you idiots, I think you are stupid but listen to this idiot (As she points directly into the clerks face, fingers about 1 foot away from her face).

Clerk to Me: (Now standing with hands turned up...shaking her head...looking like shes going to cry)..Ma'am We have plates, cold plastic plates. We have burner covers, burner pans. I don't know what you want.

Me: Can you please just get me the store manager?

Clerk: I don't know where he is. (This store can be seen entirely from the checkout line - its probably 50 feet wide by 75 feet long)

Me: Can you overhead page the manager please?

Approximately 8 year old kid in Line behind me: Man She is fucking stupid Mom. That lady is stupid as shit.

Clerk to Me: Ma'am...can....you....please....HELP....ME....I.....don't....know....what.....to.....do .....

Me: I'll just pay for these sodas then thanks.

Tuesday Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 3 Mar 2009 09:28:00 -0500

Whatever happened to Peppermint Patty? Was she a lesbian? Think about it. No, seriously. I'm right aren't I? Marcie was her significant other/partner/lover. Makes sense now, doesn't it?

What ever happened to Pig-Pen? Did he find himself a good woman he wanted to bathe for? Remember, he was surrounded by "the dust and dirt of ancient civiliations?" Yup you know it, he's that rich and famous archeologist now, making one ancient discovery after another. I always thought it must suck to be him. But it never did, did it?

Whatever happened to that bitch Lucy? Didn't you love to hate her? Mean bitch that she was? I've known quite a few "Lucys" over the years. Never trusted them. Back stabbing bitches.

Schroeder. The geek. The sexy geek. You know its true. Smart and elusive. Untouchable.

Linus. The mama's boy. Big whiny-ass baby. Probably still lives at home and is 50 years old. Blanket toting bastard.

"The Little Red-Haired Girl" - I like to think that Charlie finally came into his own, worked up his courage, finally munched her muffin, and they eloped right after their first date.

And Snoopy. The original Snoop-Dog. For some reason, I always liked his relatives better than I liked him. His brothers Olaf and Spike were more favored than he was. Snoop Dog and his posse.

I know I'm missing a few characters here, but these were the ones that stood out in my mind when I found this cartoon while trolling the web. (And the teachers voice, 'wah, wah, wah wah.')

Charlie Brown - Now that I'm this age, I find your baldness and innocence quite sexy.

You can do it Charlie Brown...

YOU can bring sexy back.

Monday's Weird Fucking Photo

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Mon, 2 Mar 2009 12:31:00 -0500

Go on, guess what the fuck this is...I dare ya!

Photo Credit: Sher Hilliard Photography

Sunday's Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 21:24:00 -0500

Immediate disclaimer:

Sadly, this is not me.

If I were younger, thinner, Asian, and had perky breasts,

then it would be me exactly.

*****

If I were a lesbian, I would let this woman do me instantly.

Because its Sunday.

And Sundays are a bitch.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whilst I was away for the past 3 months, a variety of moments occurred in my exciting, self-stimulating, life. I shall list them quickly here, as they now bore me to death to speak about.

Broken toe.

Same toe then dislocated.

Pain.

Opposite foot then crushed by rack of frozen ribs.

Broken bones.

More pain.

Permanent damage.

Fucking Crutches.

Inability to walk.

Pissy attitude.

Alcohol intoxication.

Chest pain.

More chest pain.

Heart attack.

Recovery.

Some whininess.

News of second grandchild due in August.

Life renewed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Its fucking fantastic to be back, both here and in the real world.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sigh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Stay tuned.

Don't Fucking Miss Out

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:44:00 -0500

It has been nearly 3 months since I last blogged.

I died between then and now.

My return is imminent.

Be wary.

Be prepared.

Random Fuck Fingers

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sun, 7 Dec 2008 11:58:00 -0500

I always try to take the road less traveled.
Its much more interesting.
I do the same while traveling around on the internet.
I look for the places less traveled.
And when I find them, I roll around in them
until their stink is all over my body.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Some of you might actually know what I mean by that.

The rest of you, sadly, are missing out on a grand portion of life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Today I offer you what I like to call
"Random Fuck Fingers."
I do not know these people.
I just ran across all of them on the web,
offering a finger or two
for my viewing pleasure.
You decide what they mean:
Fuck you,
Fuck off,
Fuck me I'm cool,
Fuck this,
Fuckin' A,
Fuck off and Die,

Et Cetera

I have more.

I'll bring them tomorrow.

If I find you deserving that is.

Time to worship your Queen kids...you know you want to.

Surely you haven't forgotten

That I am the Queen of the Universe?

Perish the thought.

Thursday's Fuck-Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Thu, 4 Dec 2008 08:15:00 -0500

Yet even more self descriptive photos of

failings, fuck ups and failures.

I'd do a caption contest but everyone does those

and I am SO not a fucking follower.

Do enjoy these.

I work hard, so you don't have to.

Lazy bastards.

As ever...I leave you

slack-jawed and

dumbfouned,

in compete and utter adoration

of my fucking brilliance.

Tuesday's Fuck-Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 2 Dec 2008 12:29:00 -0500

Again, I offer self-explanatory photos.

Go on, be amused.

You know you wanna!

Hot Damn....

I am STILL fucking Brilliant!

You bet your sweet patootie I am!

Sunday's Fuck-Ups

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:38:00 -0500

These photos are self-explanatory.

If by some slim chance you cannot grasp the concept,

Remove yourself

from my blog

Immediately if not sooner

you idiot.

~~~

My Thanksgiving Shit is Better Than Yours, As Usual

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:25:00 -0500

In honor of Thanksgiving day (November 27, 2008)

I bring you more shit I found on the web...

Becauses its my job

and I do it Fucking Brilliantly.

Enjoy.

We all have that certain family member, don't we?

This is exactly how I picture ALL of YOU -
men and women alike...

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

All you anti-immigration bastards,

pay fucking attention:

Welcome to The Glorious Southern US -

where Redneck Holidays Abound.

I did a search for "Turkey Shit"

and found a photo of

a Turkey Shitting.

I'm lucky that way.

More Southern Redneck Holiday Extravaganzas.

These poor animals should be

taken away from their idiotic owners.

But it is kinda cutesy.

Stupid humor for those of you who are rather stupid.

See, I think of everyone.

This makes no sense to me.

It could be amusing.

If by chance it makes sense to one of you,

Do not bother to enlighten me.

I don't fucking care.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanksgiving Cartoon Porn

For all my gay visitors.

See, I do think of everything.

I'm brilliant like that.

Don't move or the blue faced turkey gets it.

I hardly think this is amusing anymore...

but again, I include things for those

not so smart visitors I have.

You know I mean you.

How to threaten a potato and mean it.

This is not me.

However, I absofuckinglutely NEED this apron.

Some morons play with their food

way too fucking much.

Poor white trash Thanksgiving Meal.

Turkey as a sex object.
Sick minded people.

Another one for the stupid people.

What the fuck is the mustard for?

Happy happy.

How is it possible I've missed this festival all these years??

And, last but not least....

Happy T-Day All.

I'm Pretty Fucking Sure I'm a Zombie

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:13:00 -0500

When I was 22ish I spent 2 glorious years working the night shift - overnights from 11 pm to 730 am. I had all the hours of daylight to do whatever I chose and then I worked all the hours of nighttime to earn money. I loved it. I reveled in it.

The opportunity came upon me to change my work hours a couple of weeks ago to once again work the night shift. However, these would be "night hours of my own choosing," any time between say 2 pm and 9 am the next morning. I jumped at the chance. I would once again have daylight hours to revel in, to glory in, to Live in.

I don't think its gone well so far. I'm not even sure what day of the week today is. I do know I totally missed Sunday. I misplaced it somewhere. I'm doing this idiotic thing where I am awake 6 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 6 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 6 hours and then sleep 2 hours. If you add that, it makes 24 hours. The problem is, I end up being awake 10-12 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 4 hours and sleep 3 hours then awake 16 hours and sleep 4 hours then need a desperate nap and then I realize Ive totally missed an entire day somewhere.

I'm eating dinner at 3 am and some mornings at 6 am and on occasion 11 pm. I'm not sure when to eat breakfast and lunch is obviously totally fucked.

I've realized I am no longer 22 and life is no longer my oyster. Bastards.

I find myself waking up at 5:30 in an absolute panic... is it 530 am or 530 pm? Its dark both times of day now. My daughter and my husband have tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy, although my husband tries to live during my hours - I find I can no longer do laundry or vacuuming because some one is generally sleeping when I am awake and I don't want to make noise that awakens them.

My daughter thinks Thanksgiving is on Friday. I think its next week. My husbands a Brit and he doesnt care when it is.

I'm not sure when I last showered. I find myself going to the store at midnight every other day. I find myself having a couple beers around 10 in the morning before I go to bed.

I walk around like an absolute zombie, drooling upon myself, scratching my parts, and grunting.

Life is Grand isn't it.

Why didnt someone tell me you can't go back to 22 again? Bastards.

Friday's Fucked Up Signs

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 06:41:00 -0500

As usual, I have found

yet more

fucked up signs.

~~~

Be amused people.

Be very amused.

~~~

I work extremely hard for your amusement.

Worship me

As you should.

~~~

Cant spell banana huh?

This one's for you Preston.

People shit too you know.

The Kaputs are..well...Kaput.

Helpful, aren't we?

Commando? Your mother knows.

Small children that aren't yours

are always extremely handy....

Take a tape measure....

No clue. Just do it.

As always, I'm still fucking brilliant.

I'll try to be here more often next week.

It's been a trying time

switching from the day shift

to the night shift.

I am now aclimatized.

Or kind of.

Fine, I'm working on it.

Be respectful and

Turn out the lights

when you leave.

Ass, Ass and More Ass....

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:42:00 -0500

You know how good I am at finding weird-ass shit.

Well, this shit is all about asses.

And it's weird.

So it fits my style perfectly.

~ ~ ~

Don't be an ASS

"What The Fuck" Saturday

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 19:24:00 -0500

I am in the process of switching from daytime work,

to working the overnight shift.

My hours are all fucked up

and as such,

my blog has suffered.

~~~

I hope you all will bear with me

and settle for more

Strange Photos

that make you say,

"What the fuck?"

Comments,

suggestions,

ideas,

and excessive use of the word fuck

are always welcome.

I'm STILL fucking brilliant!

Tuesday's Weird Shit

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 05:00:00 -0500

Its time for me to return to what I do best,

amusing myself and others

with the wide variety of weird shit

I find on the internet.

~~~~

Lest you have forgotten,

I'm Fucking Brilliant!

~~~~
Enjoy!

~~~~

First up, we have Diva Gina's Vagina.

There are rules for dying at work you know.

Sweet! I'm hungry just thinking of this.

This one is aimed at men

as, rather obviously,

Women don't fart. Ever.

A bit pissy are we?

The bottom 2 sqaures on this sign are the funniest.

I need a sign like this.

Die AND pay for the pleasure of it dammit.

For High School Girls and Gay Men.

Just weird.

For the desperate man.

Seriously.

Who in their right mind would buy this?

For your weekly reading enjoyment.

No dicking around kids.

Weird furniture follows.

A Boat Shaped Bed -

If this boat's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin.

A Breast Chair.

A 4-legged chair thats just really fucking freaky.

I can't imagine that someone would pay actual money for this...

Now then, Breakfast anyone?

I shall return tomorrow with more weird ass shit.
Theres just too much of it out there to go unnoticed.

Its my job to bring it to the teeming masses.

Why?

Because, as always,

I'm ever so masterfully Fucking Brilliant!
I know it.

And you know it too.

Now then,

Shut up and Fuck off.

Monday's Quick MindFuck

noreply@blogger.com (Sassy) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:05:00 -0500

Look closely - you'll see it.