Satire Central

New location

2006-05-28T07:43:00.000-04:00

This blog is currently in the process of moving to its new home, The Week in Rearview:

http://www.weekinrearview.com

Thanks!

Norman Rockwell, The Dark Side

2006-04-17T05:38:00.000-04:00

STOCKBRIDGE, Mass. (CAP) - When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte's former home, her first thought was "Donald who?"

Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=69200604011
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

"Baghdad Ballerinas" To Blame For SE Storms

2006-04-17T05:36:00.000-04:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CAP) - When Mike Huckabee's squadron of Humvees topped a small desert rise last week while on routine patrol, they couldn't believe what lay before them in the valley below: a handful of Iraqi insurgents, all on tippy-toes and spinning rapidly in the dying desert sun.

"After we killed 'em all and high-fived, we could see that they even had them little tutu dresses on too," said Huckabee. "We just figured they was practicing for the Baghdad Ballet, so we high-fived again. Me and the boys call that a two-fer."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=70200604012
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park

2006-04-04T08:20:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.

"Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven't been particularly kind to him," Springer said in a released statement. "He hasn't worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn't eating that well. He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=36200604003
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Sacre Bleu: Tinkerbell In Paris?

2006-04-04T08:18:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - We all know the official story: socialite Paris Hilton, tired of the size her tiny dog had become, shipped Tinkerbell off to her mother's to live happily ever after.

Not so fast, said Dr. Rupert Schaal, a physician attached to New York Hospital.

"I was on duty the night they brought Miss Hilton in," Dr. Schaal recently told CAP News. "Apparently she had gotten out of the tub and inadvertently sat on the dog, which promptly disappeared into her - can I say vagina? Anyhow, I examined her, but it's big and dark in there. I couldn't see hide nor hair of the thing.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=23200604006
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Researchers Warn Of Crocodile Flu

2006-04-04T08:15:00.000-04:00

ORLANDO, Fla. (CAP) - While the rest of the world battles the emergence of avian flu as the possible source of the next pandemic, the United States is coming to grips with another potential danger: crocodile flu.

"Diagnosing this illness is one of our biggest problems," Dr. Stephen Bright said at the annual American Croctologist Convention held at the Exit 13 Sheraton in Orlando, Florida. He tapped his peg leg with one of his hook hands for emphasis. "Who here has had difficulties taking the anal temperature of a crocodile to verify infection?"

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=67200603031
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rice: "Errors" Now "Eeyores"

2006-04-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Days after Condoleeza Rice admitted that the administration had made thousands of errors in the Iraq war - and then tried to claim that she had been speaking figuratively - the White House is taking a new tact to try and diffuse the situation.

"I meant 'Eeyores', not 'errors'," Rice told CAP News in a recent phone interview. "And by that I mean that there are a lot of brooding gusses out there who refuse to see anything positive about the war. We, on the other hand, remain upbeat. We are Tiggers - Boing! Boing! Boing!"

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200604004
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Ungrateful Rescuees To Be Fined

2006-03-31T09:21:00.000-05:00

LONDON (CAP) - News that recently freed British hostage Norman Kember took too long to thank his rescuers has not been sitting well with British and American military officials. And now they're planning to do something about it.

"Do we want to charge these folks if they don't thank the soldiers? Of course not. Will we charge them? You betcha," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said at his weekly Pentagon self-interrogation.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=45200603034
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Anti-Immigration Rally Targets Canadians

2006-03-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

WARD'S CROSSING, NY (CAP) - While pro-immigration rallies in Georgia, Los Angeles and Arizona have garnered most of the headlines the past few days, that didn't stop Larry Elmore and his third cousin Billy Farr from staging their own anti-immigration rally in the bucolic upstate New York hamlet of Ward's Crossing.

"I ain't got nothing against the Mexicans, ya know?" said Elmore as he waved a 'Build A Fence, Eh?' sign. "I enjoy a few tequila sunrises with the boys down at the plant every Friday night. It's them damn Canadians."

Caption: An effigy of Anne Murray smolders on the US/Canadian border.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=53200603029
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush Pushes Operation Drunk Indian

2006-03-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Stating that "Iraq is more goodly than ever" and vowing to make the Iraqi people realize that, President Bush on Wednesday launched a new initiative to help shore up his foreign policy efforts.

"I feel the anxietations sweltering up from the Iraqi peoples, and I understand their frustration," Bush said during a televised Oval Office statement. "Operation Drunk Indian was specially designed by my, uh, secret people to help alleviate the pain that can be created by this necessary situation."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200603028
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Who Will Be The Next Chef?

2006-03-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

SOUTH PARK, Colo. (CAP) - When Isaac Hayes announced he was quitting his South Park Chef role due to what he felt was the show's religious intolerance towards Scientology, show co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone were left scrambling for a replacement. While Parker and Stone are being mum on the possibilities, our CAP News South Park mole has provided a list of those who are under serious consideration.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603019
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush Posse Pummels Mad Cow Rumor

2006-03-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Still smarting from the Katrina debacle, Bush administration officials have been fanning out over the past few days to offer assurance to Americans concerned about the possible find of mad cow disease in the United States. CAP News has pulled together some of their statements regarding this issue:

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Sunday as he arrived at church.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=34200603018
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Frist On Campaign: "It's Alive!"

2006-03-14T09:27:00.000-05:00

Memphis, TN (CAP) - This past weekend, Senate majority leader Bill Frist won a presidential straw poll at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference with 36.9% of the vote. On Monday, he sat down with reporters to show a videotape of the conference and proclaim himself the front-runner.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=63200603017
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rice Riffs Way Into Rehab

2006-03-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

VALPARAISO, Chile (CAP) - Political insiders have told CAP News that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has checked into a Corpus Christi drug rehab clinic for treatment of a cocaine abuse problem.

Rice's troubles began on Saturday, when Bolivian coca grower-turned-President Evo Morales presented the Secretary of State with a small, traditional stringed instrument called a charango. The instrument was covered with bright green coca leaves, a mild jab at Washington and their policies concerning Bolivia.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=37200603015
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

O'Reilly Takes On St. Patrick's Day

2006-03-13T07:45:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - Fresh off his crusade to keep "Merry Christmas" the official December salutation of America, right-wing talk show host Bill O'Reilly is setting his sights on another holiday target: St. Patrick's Day.

"Bill is very serious about this," an O'Reilly spokeswoman told CAP News. "He stood up for Christmas as a Christian, and he's standing up for St. Patrick's Day as a man of Irish descent. He's genetically credentialed."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603009
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Gore Demands Partial Oscar Recount

2006-03-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Citing concerns with the way that the gritty "Crash" beat out favored gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain", Al Gore has called for a partial recount of Oscar ballots.

"While we respect the integrity of The Association of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, we find it difficult to believe that 'Brokeback' lost," Gore said at a news conference. The film's director, Ang Lee, shared the podium with Gore. "We are calling for a recount of all ballots submitted by gay actors."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=17200603008
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary

2006-03-03T09:06:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=58200603003
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush To Indians: "Howdy, Kimosabes."

2006-03-02T05:52:00.000-05:00

NEW DELHI, India (CAP) - White House officials were scrambling today to minimize the damage after President Bush and his entourage showed up in New Delhi wearing traditional Native American tribal costumes.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=27200603005
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Mayberry RIP

2006-03-02T05:49:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Fans mourning the loss of two iconic television actors will be heartened to learn that a previously "lost" television episode featuring the two has been discovered.

"Kolchak: The Nightstalker - Mayberry RIP", featuring Don Knotts and Darren McGavin, was shot in 1974 but never made it on-air. A copy of the episode was recently discovered among the effects of McGavin, who died of natural causes on February 25th.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603002
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Al Qaeda: "We won Powerball! Praise Allah!"

2006-02-22T09:19:00.000-05:00

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST (CAP) - FBI analysts have confirmed that the latest Osama bin Laden tape, in which he claims to have won the recent record Powerball jackpot, is authentic.

"We cannot go on record as to the authenticity of his claim, but it does appear to be the rat bastard," said an FBI source.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=59200602030
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Profile Of An Olympic Failure

2006-02-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

In this special report, CAP News takes a look at one Olympic hopeful who came so close yet truly so far from ever making the U.S. team.

BUFFALO, Ny. (CAP) - For Frank Bradley, it's always been about the brush.

"He was brushing his teeth by three months, his hair by four. By the time he was one-year-old, he had found the broom, and I just up and sold the Hoover," said Frank's mother, Angela Bradley.

Frank's love of brushes brought him to the ideal occupation - junior-middle school janitor - and the ideal hobby: curling.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=12200602027
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

NBC Pulls Out Of Olympics

2006-02-16T07:41:00.000-05:00

TURIN, Italy (CAP) - Saying they had completely run out of human-interest material and that the games themselves "bore us," NBC has announced that the network is pulling out of the Olympics.

"We've done pieces on Bode Miller's third-grade sweetheart, how Emily Hughes sleeps with her skates, and how Chad Hedrick's dog Boogers knows how to clap his paws when Chad competes. What more is there?" said Derek Smith, head of Olympic Programming for NBC.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=55200602026
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Steve Fossett To Seek Child Endangerment Record

2006-02-16T07:39:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA (CAP) - The latest trend in the circles of the rich and famous - child endangerment - has some well-known highlights. There was Michael Jackson dangling his child over his hotel balcony; Courtney Cox and David Arquette naming their child Coco, assuring the girl several years of devastating psychological torture; Britney Spears being photographed recently driving with her child on her lap.

In terms of child endangerment, who can top these? Enter millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=09200602024
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

VP Accidentally Shoots Republican

2006-02-14T08:12:00.000-05:00

SOUTH TEXAS (CAP) - Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday accidentally shot one of his Republican hunting companions, 78-year-old Harry Whittington, during their annual "Dirty Hippy Hunt" at a ranch just southwest of Corpus Christi.
-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=46200602022
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

NASCAR To Toss Tracks For "Dragster Wheels"

2006-02-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

DAYTONA, Fla. (CAP) - Citing safety concerns, NASCAR officials have announced that they will be dropping their "endlessly go around in a circle on a track" model for an "endlessly go around in a circle in a hamster wheel" one.

Caption: Technicians work to assemble a "Dragster Wheel" at a recent demonstration in Nevada.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=57200602020
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.