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How To Get What You Want By Not Wanting It

2017-03-30T09:09:00.003-07:00

Let’s unpack the subject of desire. This is going to be a post about metaphysics with a side of pragmatism. If you’re not down with the woo (as in the woo woo), then I would stop reading because this is going to get very woo. However, there’s also substantial proof that this works and I don’t mean scientific studies, you probably have proof yourself that what you’re about to read actually works… you just don’t think about it in this way.

The Pathways of Desire

Desire has two pathways: one pathway involves the focus on the lack and the other pathway involves the focus on the desire. Here’s what they look like — if we desire something but focus on the lack, we are constantly in a state of despair. I have so many examples of this in my life. Wanting a job, applying for millions and feeling so beat down because none work out. Wanting a partner, dating frogs by the dozen and feeling completely dejected. Wanting to buy a home, getting overbid for a solid year and feeling like it was out of my reach.

The alternative pathway looks like this: you focus on the desire and move toward it with intent. Examples? You have a desire to change your body for the better. You begin focusing on healthy eating choices, working out, taking meaningful action and suddenly “overnight” you find that you’re in better shape. You want a significant other but put your immediate focus on bettering yourself, you forget the obsession with the other (as if anyone could truly “complete” you) and then when you least expect it — they “magically” appear. They become a healthy addition to your life, rather than a peg fitting some person-shaped void. I have experienced both of these examples so if you need hard proof — I’m happy to share in detail but you probably have these stories yourself…

The Frequency of Desire

I’m a firm believer in the law of attraction. I believe that like attracts like. I believe that what we think about we bring about. I believe that if you’re putting on an ego front that you’re confident — but secretly you’re insecure — that energy will be apparent. If you have to be the smartest in the room — you’re probably not. (I also believe that any lesson I preach should be one I’ve learned — so please know I have lived this. I find that I learn best not from others’ success but rather, through their relaying success fraught with honest struggle so I teach in that manner.)

Desire is a frequency and those around us can pick it up. In the workplace, it’s pretty transparent. You know who is insecure and constantly concerned about their status. You can sense who is quiet and powerful. Additionally, social media makes it very easy to see what people desire. Fame! Power! Status! Likes! A Perfect Life! These displays are not inherently wrong however, It’s all an artifice if your frequency of desire does not match your true feelings of yourself.

One example of this? Miserable famous people. I have worked in entertainment a long time and have met people who “have it all!” …and yet don’t.

My husband often recounts this Jim Carrey quotation to me:

How is this possible?

I’ll answer with a story.

Oprah (my fave) and Eckhart Tolle did a seminar years ago on his book A New Earth. As part of the seminar, they did a Q&A with people about the book. I’ll never forget this young man from West Hollywood ask a question about how could he possibly find true happiness if he never achieves his dream of becoming a successful actor. Now let’s stop there — do you feel the subtext in his question? Desire: become a successful actor. Focus: “never achieving”. He was already stressed about not making it.

Tolle responded to the man that what he truly desired was not to be a successful actor but to have more self esteem and more self love. Oprah added that when you become famous all of your character assets or defects are magnified so if you don’t really love yourself to begin with — you’re in for a heck of a ride.

That is where Jim Carrey’s quotation comes in. Happiness is an inside job. You have all the answers you need — you just don’t believe it or you don’t know it.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

Books such as: The Law of Attraction in Action, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and The Biology of Belief discus in detail how this works and how to shift your thinking. (In order of ease of reading — I recommend the first book if you’re new to Law of Attraction, the Biology book if you’re somewhat versed and the Breaking the Habit book if you’re well-versed and want to go deep on crazy techniques.)

Tl;dr — The easiest first step to moving from the pathway of lack to the pathway of healthy desire is… gratitude.

Three Steps.

If you’re reading this on your laptop or cell phone, you’re blessed. Right? You likely live in a first world country, sleep in a secure building with four walls and have food to eat. Most of your problems could probably qualify as #FirstWorldProblems. You are more blessed than millions and yet you don’t view it that way. So, be grateful. Gratitude shifts your experience from lack to purposeful intent. It helps us frame our desires with humility.

Secondly, work on loving yourself more. Go deep on self care and self esteem. Posting pictures with famous people, articles written about you, Twitter verification or owning a nice handbag does not make you worthy. (Been there.) Loving yourself when no one is around makes you worthy. Surrounding yourself with friends who build you up and can honestly check you on your BS makes you worthy. Cultivating gratitude and being of service to others — when no one knows about it — makes you worthy.

Lastly, take action…

This whole post started because last night I was feeling sorry for myself. I gave myself a goal re. writing music and I have felt uninspired and exhausted. I have been reveling in the lack. My husband (i.e. person who can call me on my BS) got sick of it and exclaimed, “Stop beating yourself up. What good does it do?!”

And in that moment, I realized he was right. I didn’t tell him that (c’mon) but I realized it. Well, maybe I realized it a few hours later. The point is — I got stuck in the lack — as we all do. Sometimes it just takes a subtle gut check to remember that all good and all manifestation flows easiest when we are in gratitude, self love and meaningful action.

So, don’t beat yourself up over what you want but don’t have. Love yourself and…

A Letter To The 25-Year-Old Me

2015-09-09T08:13:00.002-07:00

This week, I have been publishing drafts of unfinished pieces on Medium. Here's another new one: Letter to the 25-Year-Old Me. Feel free to share, ask questions or leave comments:
A Letter To The 25-Year-Old Me
https://medium.com/the-bigger-picture/a-letter-to-the-25-year-old-me-edecbd2e2aa5

Thanks to @Medium... and a new post

2015-09-06T10:58:00.002-07:00

I found an old post I had started but never finished and finally published it this week on Medium.
Medium is a great site for long form writing. Ironically, it was founded by Twitter co-founder Ev Williams. (As a former Twitter employee, I think Ev is pretty neat.)

I'm going to be posting more often on here as I've made a commitment to build up my writing again. I want to devote more time to inspirational writing because it gives me such joy to help people. In the meantime, enjoy this post:

When does it all go south?

SPACE: You Need It

2015-02-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

Watch the video above from NASA and don't pause it, forward or skip ahead. Simply watch. This video created as "NASA's sun observatory celebrated its fifth year in space this week" is a great reminder of how insignificant we all are. It is something we often forget as we get caught up in the mundane. The reality always remains that we are small specks on a tiny blue dot orbiting in a giant universe around a massive, insane ball of fire.

Yet, we spend our time writing open letters to Kanye West, watching VOD, favoriting items we'll never buy on Etsy, working or not working online, staring at computers and phones and ignoring our art, our music, our friends and each other. We take our greatest gift, life, and casually toss it on the ground like the jeans we wore during the day. I don't write this as a buddha master innocent of all wrong doing. I write this as a phone-addicted musician who spent more time last year on the grid than at my piano.

We are a people afraid of space floating around in a ball of space. Now, that, Alanis - IS ironic. We fill up any extra time we have with technology and vice to avoid intimacy and interaction with anyone else and especially, with ourselves.

The bottom line for me is that I've realized that space is integral to the creative process. Also, we are ALL creatives. I have a day job in music BD and sales. That does not sound very creative, but in order to forge meaningful work partnerships and find out of the box ideas to grow our business, I HAVE to be creative. As an artist, I don't foster my creativity by staring at Twitter or Facebook for six hours a day. I foster creativity by creating space for it.

The key to improving anything is to create space. For creativity, I love Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way which is a 12 week workbook to fostering creativity. Confession: I made fun of this book when I was an active musician and thought I was "too good" for such practices. I then wound up in a creative funk, read the book and formed my last band. That which you resist, persists.

I don't believe great business ideas come from being in your office 24/7 and ignoring your life. I don't believe executives learn how to "think big" by going to conferences where every single hour is structured to make sure nobody has too much fun. Artists don't write great music by staying inside and staring at laptops all day - at least I don't.

Space is where great ideas and art comes from. "Nature abhors a vacuum"

Otherwise Engaged

2014-12-14T18:53:00.001-08:00

For the last six years, I have hated December the 13th. It is the day my father died on a Saturday night in 2008. He died suddenly at 59 of heart attack, one day after his birthday and two days after my parents anniversary. It was the day that began the unraveling of life as I knew it when I was 5 1/2 months sober. My life would never be the warm, safe place it once was ever again. Nothing would be familiar and I would continue to lose nearly everything from our childhood house to my mom in the following years. I remember listening to "Now You're Gone" by Secret Machines over and over after my dad died because the lyrics seemed like my life:

I felt you leaving I remember the day

It was the early part of winter on a Saturday night

I was holding onto nothing staring into the light

Would it be alright

When the world it started to spin

So, as you can imagine, December 11-13 is not my favorite time of year. I had been really struggling with it this year, more than others, for some reason also. Shortly after my birthday (Nov.3), I began having severe sinus, allergy, TMJ and nerve issues. For an entire month, I was on antibiotics, steroids and other useless things that didn't help the headaches, congestion, arm tingling, neck pain and tinnitus. My hypochondria over it all became so bad, I began to have daily anxiety attacks and was told I had high blood pressure. Anxiety attacks, when you're sober and can't take xanax, are theeeeeeeee worst.

For some reason, this health breakdown coincided with missing my parents more than usual this holiday season. Several times, I broke down in tears feeling so helpless without them. I told doctors that I feared I was dying because I had lost my parents, had a miscarriage and lost my last remaining grandparents all in the past six years. I also lost my friend Ikey Owens in October which hit me hard as we had been recording earlier this year.

I will say, when you go through a crop of loss, there's a sort of death halo effect that hovers over you for years. You can do all the therapy, yoga, meditation etc. you want but sometimes, it just gets hard and you have to sit through the horrible all over again.

So, on to New York...

Earlier this year we began scouting rings. Since Jeffrey knows I am picky, this was a joint process. My criteria was that I did not want any blood diamonds and preferred a vintage ring. I definitely did not want a solitaire of any kind since as a pianist, I don't like things sticking off my hands. I fell in love with north south filigree rings, they go from knuckle to mid finger and lie flat. They are always one-of-a-kind as you can't really mass produce the them. We ended up finding a ring from the 1880s (below) that eerily appears art deco. It is extremely unique, no one has anything like it and I knew it was the right one instantly. Then I had to wait a long time for it since we put it on layaway (no embarking on wedding bliss with credit debt).

When I found out I had to go NYC for one last business trip of the year, we decided to use the miles we had to fly Jeffers out too. Being sick for so long, I really didn't want to be alone again. While I thought it would be romantic if Jeffrey proposed in NYC, I knew he did not have the means to pay off the ring so it was... impossible. I was convinced of this.

Re. the proposal. I tried to influence this process for months but it didn't work. Ha. I dropped clear hints about what I didn't want and what I did. I noted that it would be nice if my friends were around, if it was a surprise, maybe at a party or maybe at a concert... Jeffrey just tolerated my musings and said, "Hmm, maybe I'll just google ideas."

Once in New York this week, getting married came up a few times. First, we discussed how romantic proposing there would be and that he didn't have the ring. I said it was no big deal and I meant it. Friday, Jeffrey was horribly sick with a sinus migraine so we did nothing that day. Later that evening, he asked if it would be cool if we never got married and just had a civil union. I laughed and said, "Whatever, sure." He later said that I was so cool about him not having the ring and us potentially not getting married that he thought I for sure knew what he was up to. Nope, turns out I'm just cool, suckers!

Saturday night, he insisted we go to Rockefeller Center, see the big tree and go ice skating. I wasn't that into it as tourist stuff isn't my bag, but since it was his second time in New York, I said OK. We had plans to meet up with our friend Daru afterward and get pizza in Brooklyn.

Our cab to Rockefeller Center took almost an hour as there were protests and mass tourist action happening. I really wanted to give up on the tree and still had no idea. We chatted with our cabbie about his school plans and forked over $50 for the almost hour-long ride.

We took these photos the day after we met

As we finally walked to Rockefeller Center, we were in a swamp of people. I joked that it was like Coachella but without dirt and crappy bands. We tried to approach the tree and it was a total fail. Then we tried to go to Bouchon for a snack but the line was too long. I lamented, "Let's just snap a picture, give up and go to Brooklyn." Jeffrey said, "Just be patient, let's walk over here."

We walked over to an area that had less people and Jeffrey said to me, "I got you a Christmas present, close your eyes." People, I am really dense, because this STILL did not tip me off. I closed my eyes and sarcastically joked, "If you walk away while my eyes are closed to play a joke on me, I'm gonna be pissed."

It then all becomes a blur: I opened my eyes, turned around, Jeffrey got down on one knee and took out the ring box. I squealed and he said, "You're making a scene!" Ha. The guy who hates being the center of attention should not have chosen the busiest spot in New York to propose. We don't remember exactly what he said but that I said "Yes!", then I teared up (what?!), grabbed the ring and he swung me around. People around us started clapping, taking pictures and then they disappeared. I really wish one of them would have stopped, chatted us up and texted us a photo. The Internet age is a very strange time, isn't it?

Epilogue

Tons of people get engaged at the Rockefeller Tree every year, just like tons of people get engaged in front of the Eiffel Tower. Tons of people get engaged on their birthdays, on Christmas day, on New Year's eve and on their anniversaries. These stories are horribly unoriginal, cliché and just like every cheesy rom com ever made.

But you know what? When it happens to you, it feels pretty original. Especially when it happens on the day your father died, a day that you used to hate so much.

Jeffrey hugged me and said afterwards, "Well baberz, we met in Austin and got engaged in New York. We're doing pretty good." Yep, we have also driven cross country, been to Mexico City, Puerto Rico and got engaged on 12/13/14, no less.

Ps. Mysteriously, most of my health troubles began waning on 12/12 this week... my dad's birthday. Maybe he was looking out for me or God decided to have mercy on this hypochondriac. *^_^*

Finally, here's our ridiculous Christmas cards for this year:

Compassion and Dealing with Difficult People

2014-10-08T10:00:00.004-07:00

Hi all,

I recently wrote a new Savatra piece for LinkedIn.

Whether you're a member of the site or not, you can view it here:

Compassion and Dealing with Difficult People

Thank you!

Tatiana

Mother's Day for the Motherless

2014-05-08T10:52:00.004-07:00

It's that time of the year again, the time when I avoid all mentions of the words, "Mother's day" and "Father's day."

If you're in that boat or have experienced infertility, I have written a new entry over on Medium.com /@tatiana on how to survive Mother's day when you're motherless. It covers the history of the holiday, some metaphysical advice and also provides practical actions you can take to rebrand this weekend and live with joy.

Read it here and please share with anyone you know who could use encouragement: Mother's Day for the Motherless.

Start Small: The Power of Micro Actions

2014-03-26T09:18:00.002-07:00

Over a year ago, I read a book by Allyson Lewis called The 7 Minute Solution: Time Strategies to Prioritize, Organize & Simplify Your Life at Work & at Home. I like to describe it as a more practical version of The The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It outlined how to define your values, purpose and provided small, actionable steps to achieve your goals each day / month / year.

One of Lewis' core principles is the idea of micro actions: taking little steps each day toward your goals. For most driven people, the idea of taking a "little step" towards a goal seems useless. Why not dive in and go for it? For myself, a notorious perfectionist, if I can't do something in a BIG way I usually don't bother.

However, her book made me think...

One example that stood out was that I had wanted to get increase my Portuguese fluency. It was something I had thought about for a few years. Having not used it on a regular basis in the U.S., my linguistic skills had withered and become a shoddy hybrid I referred to as "Portuñol."

Lewis' contends that if you spend seven minutes every day working toward certain goals you will be amazed by your progress. I realized, "If I had spent seven minutes every day for the past several years studying Portuguese on LiveMoca.com, I would be highly fluent."

The thought was jarring. My rationale had been, "Well, since I can't commit to a college course, I won't bother." However, all I needed to do was spend a few minutes each day starting the process.

I tested out the power of micro actions this year when I competed in the Whole Life Challenge. It's basically a two month Paleo/fitness challenge. Being vegetarian, I wasn't really trying to eat more meat but I was trying to eat less sugar, gluten and work out more. The competition included daily micro action tasks that you earn points for including working out for at least ten minutes, stretching for at least ten minutes and things like meditating or reading for ten minutes. You might be thinking, "What is the point of working out for only ten minutes a day?" I know I thought that.

I started out strong in the competition, then two weeks in, the wheels came off. I was going to a slew of GRAMMY parties and wanted to eat junk. However, even though I had failed for a few days, I decided to not give up. I noticed other competitors were also flailing and still keeping at it - so I figured I would too. "Progress not perfection" was the key motto.

Now, I am a skinny gal but I HATE working out. I have a gym membership I don't use, dance classes I think about but don't take and a lot of random fitness products that gather dust. When I started working out ten minutes a day for the Whole Life Challenge, I thought, "This sucks, but at least it's only ten minutes."

Then something happened... one month in, I found myself thinking, "I wonder if I could go to the gym every morning this week for fifteen minutes?" I did and then thought, "Maybe I could do it next week too." I did and then began getting addicted to the cardio, doing Jillian Michaels videos in my living room and getting to know people at the gym. And it all started with a measly ten minutes a day.

By the time the challenge ended, my desire for sugar and gluten had decreased considerably. My desire to work out had increased tremendously. I finished first in my level on my team - which blew my mind considering how much I had screwed up here and there. However, therein lies another lesson: it's not about being perfect, it's about not giving up.

I listen to a lot of Napoleon Hill audiobooks and one of his famous catch phrases is that nothing is a failure unless you've decided it's a failure. Had I decided a few weeks into the Whole Life Challenge that I had "blown it" and given up, I would have never stuck it out to actually win Intermediate level on my team. This metaphor works for pretty much everything in my life and yours.

I haven't worked out as much the past few weeks since the challenge ended, but what I know now is that I can start again and I don't have to be perfect. As long as I keep going, no matter how small or how slowly, I will be in far better shape than if I give up.

Start Small. Don't Be Afraid to Fail. Keep Going.

"Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure."

- Napoleon Hill

A One Word Mission Statement

2014-02-01T09:18:00.004-08:00

Around New Years, I was rifling through my apps looking for a good new year daily reader. I stumbled upon a devotional plan in my Bible app called "One Word That Will Change Your Life." It sounded a bit like a Buzzfeed headline but my interest was piqued.

Turns out it was a short excerpt from a spiritual movement started in 1999 that challenges people to pray or meditate and ask for a one word mission statement for the year. The word becomes the anchor to all of their actions and a purpose for their life. (You can read more about One Word: here.) For me, the free four day One Word devotional plan in my app was all I needed to get going.

They opened by saying that resolutions don't stick but mission statements do. Pray and ask God what your mission is for this year in one word... then meditate on that word. Following all that, take action.

For me, I knew without a doubt, my word was "inspire." It is one of the mission statements for my life. What I didn't know was that as I really spent time thinking about what it means "to inspire"... it became a lot more challenging.

We live in a day of "fast food inspiration" as I like to call it. "Watch this touching video that will warm your heart!" You watch it, tear up, click retweet and you're done. These moments are more akin to emotional hijacking than actual inspiration in my opinion. Inspiration provokes one to action, emotional hijacking provides a short term buzz that has no profound effect on your life.

To get deeper, consider this: inspiration has it's roots in the Latin word "Inspiracio" which translates to "incitement" and "stimulus." Stimulus literally translates to "something that incites to action or exertion..." Incitement comes from the word Incite which means to "spur to action."

Ergo, to inspire, literally means to spur to action. But not just any action, action that involves exertion. Does forwarding an email or retweeting content provoke any exertion on your part? Not really.

As I thought about what it means to inspire, I realized I wanted to inspire in a way that incites people to actually change. I don't want people to simply feel good that they heard a talk I gave or read something I posted or had a warm and fuzzy conversation... I want them to feel motivated to make positive change. Now, that is a far harder task than simply posting inspirational quotes on your Twitter account every morning.

On the same token, the more I thought about what it means to inspire, I thought of all the ways I'm NOT inspirational. When I get cut off on the freeway, I don't behave very inspirational. I behave more like an angry Indy 500 driver than a beacon of divine influence.

There are a lot of areas in my life that I have to examine more closely as I take up the charge to inspire. Consistency is key to this mission, as is authenticity.

So, what would your One Word for 2014 be? Download the sample plan from the YouVersion Bible app if you want to read the short version or go to GetOneWord.com. Don't be surprised if your word chooses you more than you chose it. Do be ready to get really challenged as you think about what it means to live out your purpose for the year.

Best of luck.

2014 New Years Eve Meditation

2013-12-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

Last year, I wrote a meditation for New Years' Eve. I wrote this meditation because I couldn't find any I liked online. Part of it requires you to set intentions for the coming year as well as remember the struggles and triumphs of the past year.

Around October of this year, I was moving and stumbled upon the intentions I had written on 12/31/13. It's going to sound a little hokey / "The Secret-esque" but as I read down the list - nearly everything I had wanted to manifest, I did. From a better living situation to a less life-consuming job to an ideal relationship. It was pretty astonishing. The things that didn't come to pass were primarily things that required more effort (believe it or not) on my part. This would be things like working out more regularly, reducing sugar and focusing on music.

The beauty of all of this was that 2012 was horrific for me. It's tied with 2008 for the worst year of my life. Despite all of it however, or perhaps because I'd been through the routine before, I kept a hold of optimism because I've seen how yin/yang life can be. I could have moaned on and on about losing my mother, my miscarriage, how my job was taxing me... but I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to continually put that energy out into the world when I was trying to manifest positive change. Also, people get really tired when you're constantly emanating a "woe is me" vibe. I realized that such behavior can come off as arrogant to many because it assumes that your problems are better than theirs (and many people fight private battles that they never speak of). SO, I focused on positivity. Meanwhile, my acquaintances thought I had a dream job, that everything was progressing perfectly in my life and that I was made of steel.

The truth was, I was broken and extremely tired but 100% focused on keeping up hope as unrealistic as it seemed at time. In looking at how much different 2013 has been and how many intentions I manifested, I realize, it WORKED. It really, really, really worked. I also realized...

...that sometimes our biggest struggle is not in losing another person but in being able to give up our addiction to sadness and loss. Tragedy becomes a part of our ego and how we identify ourselves. We repeat stories over and over to others looking for attention or pity. I have done it. I did it more so when my father died. By the time my mother died (and I subsequently suffered a miscarriage), I realized I had to be bigger than my ego's need to latch on to tragedy. I believe it's far easier for someone with my temperament to shine in times of difficulty than accept a stayed time of peace - it's one reason I'm a gangbuster in a startup environment. However, I have had to cultivate the art of moving forward and accepting blessings. I think that has been FAR more difficult than getting through trauma.

I wrote several pieces for Medium this year on the subject of death and loss. I've decided to write a book as well. It's going to be called Trust In Grace: Care-taking, Grief, Coping and Moving Forward. It's not the book I wanted to write (who wants to talk about death all the time) but it's what I believe I'm supposed to write.

John Lennon said "War is over (if you want it)" - hard times can be also. For me, I've been blessed to have huge perspective shifters in the form of my grandparents. My grandfather survived the Armenian Genocide that took the life of his father and a Nazi death camp that claimed his best friend's life. Like many Holocaust survivors I have known, he never really spoke about those horrors - instead he focused on moving forward. He was loving and sweet and who I named this blog after (Savatra is his name Artavas backwards).

My life and its troubles have been nowhere near a genocide and a holocaust. I have no room to complain if others' could go through such horrors and still find joy in life. I hope you will seek such perspectives in your life too...

Anyhow, if you are feeling directionless or need a spiritual boost, try this New Years' Eve meditation. Apparently, it works! I hope you have a blessed 2014 and realize that no matter what happened in 2013, life is beautiful and a gift. Trust in God's grace, it's there.

New Years' Eve Meditation.

perspective.

Intentions Check In

2013-11-19T07:43:00.001-08:00

I recently moved, and during my move, I found the list of intentions I wrote on my 12/31/12 New Years Eve meditation paper. The page was front and back, the list included intentions that seemed impossible-ish and those that seemed pretty realistic.

Ironically... almost every item on the impossible side had happened. The goals on the "easy to attain" side however, (like eating less sugar or working out regularly) had a bit less success.

How crazy that God totally met me and helped impossible things to get set in motion and yet, the small, attainable things that required more of my own effort had less success. That says a lot about faith in God and a lot less about my willingness.

It is a month and a half before the end of 2013, before you decide to give up on this year completely - take time to review your intentions. You have six weeks to start that work out routine, read that book or take that class. Don't give up because 10 months got away from you.

I've recommitted myself to working on the small intentions I struggled with this year. Doing something is always better than resignation. Take time today to check in within yourself, review your goals, set new ones and start going for them one day at a time. (If you need direction / guidance, review my post from 12/31/12.)

Now is the right time to achieve your goals.

It's never too late,

No, Really, This Too Shall Pass

2013-08-06T08:38:00.003-07:00

I have a tattoo that says "TTSP" on my right thumb, I got it as my mother was dying last year. It was a simple reminder to stay in the present. Stay in the present when your mind begins to futurecast. Stay in the present when you can't imagine how it could get better or how you will handle it when it gets worse.

I can honestly say that as the cancer spread to my mother's liver, lungs, bones and brain, the worst moments for me were far before she actually began to fall apart. The worst moments were when, mind racing, I would downward spiral into imagining the horror that would await me. What I didn't know then, but that I would learn months later as she did approach the end, was that grace was there. Some otherworldly sublime grace would meet me as I held her hand a last time, as I held up the phone so her family in Brazil could pray for her over the speaker, as I applied make up to her face before the mortuary came to take her body and as I made funeral arrangements to place her next to my father at the cemetery.

I was profoundly present through the last months of her life and my mantra was, "It can't be any different than this". It was the mantra of presence, the mantra of grace. You can want things to be different, but what you want and what is happening are generally two different things fifty percent of the time. Bad odds. The pain of your suffering comes from resistance to the present - full stop. Accept the present and your pain is transformed.

I find it beautifully fitting that my mother's last word, spoken the day before she died, was simply, "Amen." Amen, the word that means "so be it." One word that fully encapsulates being fully present and fully in acceptance of what is happening.

Tattoo on my left arm. The middle name of my mother and I.

After my mother's death, I spent a good portion of 2012 in parking lots. I swear, you haven't really suffered until you've made a slew of tear-filled calls from parking lots. I lost my mother, then had a miscarriage, then was dealing with consistent professional challenges and occasionally insensitive people. I was not feeling like "This too shall pass" at all. I was feeling like "This is taking forever and please make it stop now." The grace that had met me at my mother's death had slowly eroded into anxiety, stress and health problems. I saw no way out. I was also stone cold sober and refused to take any meds ergo, I was fully aware and present for my painful circumstances.

If I could do it all over again, I would have prayed more and had more faith. It is far easier said than done. However, my biggest lesson is that the one constant in life is that change is always happening. Life comes in cycles. Every period of profound suffering I have weathered (be it my father's death or my mother's or almost being killed in a car accident) made subsequent victories and blessings seem like I had won the Powerball. I often wonder if people who have the biggest wins in life are also the people who have suffered the greatest. Sometimes it seems to me that there is an energy to profound suffering that propels future glory.

At times, the gears of change move so slowly, like the world's rotation. We can not feel the earth turning, we may not even trust that it is, but we see the sun set and we see it rise. We see the lines on our face begin to creep, the snow melt and the babies grow into children. Trust that change is happening. Welcome it with faith and grace, because both are available to you but only if you want them. Misery and self pity are a choice, not a destiny.

October 2012 was a horrible month for me, one of the worst of my entire life. I spent the following months in a lot of resentment and truly didn't feel like change was happening. I felt like I was the butt of a cruel joke being played on me by God. I don't know why certain things happened the way they did but I have seen that dark time fade. I have begun, slowly, to regain my joy. It's been difficult, because when you suffer for so long you begin to think that suffering is your lot. You begin to think you don't deserve joy. Sometimes we have to relearn and accept that it's OK to be happy.

Things that helped me: meditation (lots of it), the book "The Praying Life" by Paul E. Miller (an amazing book for world weary sufferers who no longer see the point of praying), scheduling vacations and prioritizing my health over other people's demands. Also, keep your circle of who you complain to very, very small and let people check you on your BS. Consistently advertising your drama on Facebook and Twitter does not engender more sympathy, it cultivates apathy and it's insensitive to others who are fighting their own battles. Your suffering is not greater or less than anyone else's, it simply is what it is.

Most of all, trust that this too shall pass because it will and sooner than you think.

Use the Fine China and your Fancy Shoes

2013-03-06T07:06:00.004-08:00

I once heard a story of a woman who had a favorite dress she never wore because she was saving it for a special occasion. Years went by and the dress hung in her closet waiting for it's special occasion. Ultimately, the woman became ill and passed away. She was buried in her dress. Her funeral... was her special occasion.

Although an anecdote, this story is oft-repeated in our lives. My own father always spoke lovingly of Australia and how he was going to go there "one day" or "when he retired." However, I didn't see him take a vacation for fifteen years. The closest I saw him get to Australia was buying a book of Australian photographs. When he passed away of a sudden heart attack at 59, he was a sweet man who worked long hours, never took a sick day or vacation... and never made it to Australia.

I was reminded of all this as I overheard a single mother laughing that she's so busy, her kids are now using her fine china to eat ice cream out of... in bed... and she doesn't care. I thought, "That's wonderful. That's what china is for." What could be more perfect than making an event of ice cream?

Then I thought of my own life and how I have places I want to go and great pieces of clothes that just hang in my closet waiting for a special occasion. I think we make the mistake of waiting for the occasion to find us when we need to make the occasion. So, the past few weeks, I started digging in my closet and making occasions.

Hot pink, patent leather Dior wedges? Who wears those in March?! I do. Now. Apparently. Planning a vacation to actually GO somewhere and not sit in my house color coding my bookshelf? Yep, doing that. Hire an interior designer so I can actually settle in to my apartment instead of pretend I'm in-between college dorms? Did that too.

It's funny how for most of us working hard is our default and taking a break takes work... or we feel guilty for doing so. A lot of what I do professionally comes so effortlessly to me that I often find myself under supported because people assume I can do it all. (I can't.) I'm in a current phase of reflection where I realize that in order to "get to Australia" so to speak, be it professionally and personally, I have to ask for what I need and create occasions instead of wait for them.

This week I urge you look at the Australias in your own life. Do you have designer heels you never wear? Are you collecting vinyl and putting off buying that decent record player for no apparent reason? Is there a vacation you should take and could take but don't? Take action on these questions. It may be as simple as shopping in your closet or you may have to do some work. Work such as journaling and investigating why you "think" you can't take action toward what you want. ('Cause guess what... you can... you just have to stop complaining and trying to change people / places / things and focus on changing yourself.)

My mother's own china, which I inherited this year, was never used to my knowledge. I had no idea she even had china until I opened a large Tupperware bin as I was gutting my parents house and found all this beautiful china... collecting dust. When my apartment finishes getting it's makeover, I plan on having an afternoon tea and using the fine china. Carpe diem.

New Year's Eve meditation ritual

2012-12-31T08:45:00.001-08:00

I tried to find a New Year's Eve meditation ritual that I could do today and I couldn't... so I decided to create my own. A lot of people approach the eve with this zeal that things are going to magically change and they'll kick the past year to the curb like a cheating lover. I don't think that's how it works.

Below are my thoughts on why this is important, if you're in a rush (why?), you can skip down to the ritual.

I think it's important to spend time alone, reflecting / meditating / writing on successes of the year, struggles and appreciate the ups and downs of all of it. Find the few graceful things you liked about the year, admire the spiritual growth the turmoil gave you so that you can bury that resentment in 2012 and walk clear-headed into the next year. That - I think - is what enables New Years' Eve to become a magical event.

I know, for a fact, this ideology works because it's one espoused by Eckhart Tolle. I remember hearing an interview where someone asked him, "I hate my job, what do I have to do to get another one" and he basically replied, you have to start loving your job right where you're at. You will energetically take the mire and the dross of your current job into the next job if you don't come to accept and love where you're at. I have done this a million times in my career.

This year broke my heart and my year was probably fifty times worse than yours. It saw the death of my mother, of a relationship, I lost a baby, we had to sell the house my brother and I grew up in (and say goodbye to thirty years of life) and it was without a doubt, the most stressful professional year I've ever had. I was brought to my knees so many times and often the only thing keeping me going was this idea that if I could walk through it with grace and dignity - then maybe somehow - someone else would be helped.

SO, that being said, I handled my problems this year with a spiritual solution. I didn't take meds or use alcohol once. I trusted the process. That sounds a bit smug but it's actually the confidence that comes from having used spiritual tools and knowing you did things the right way. Those four sentences comprise eight months of brutal pain, anxiety, tears and many ups and downs. However, I knew it would work if I was diligent and consistent. December has been a wonderful month for me. I feel like all the brutal spiritual work I've done this year is paying off. Months of leaning into discomfort has pushed open the door to a new peace. It feels like the sky is opening up.

OK... meditation time.

New Year's Eve Meditation / Journal exercise

1. Light a candle, because I mean, that seems pretty meditative, right?

2. Get a journal handy. Oh yeah, writing assignments ftw.

3. Start out by meditating for just five minutes to get yourself centered and ready to start the process. (If you're an iPhone owner, I like the app "Simply Being" for guided meditations.)

4. After you're done meditating, write down 5 - 10 big struggles that you had this year. If it involves someone else, don't focus on their aspect. Write down how you handled it, what you learned, what you would do differently and what you commend yourself for.*

*Note: If you have any resentments toward any person or any thing, I strongly encourage you to read this article by Louise Hay and practice a resentment release meditation for two to five minutes. Remember, when you hate someone or some situation it doesn't affect that person's health, it affects yours. (Ex. My resentment toward my ex for completely bailing on me when I was in the ER might've been justified... but that anger wasn't giving him stomach pain, eye twitches, anxiety and depression. It was killing me. I practiced the resentment prayer for two months and by the end of that time, I had found compassion for him and also, I just didn't care anymore. He became a chapter I happily closed in a book I once read. Freedom from resentment is absolutely liberating and my happiness has been tenfold since that time.)

5. Next, write down 5 - 10 big successes for your year. If you're one of those people prone toward beating yourself up and think you don't have any successes, I would urge you to spend at least thirty minutes finding some. It's always easy for us to beat ourselves up, but you've probably achieved more than you know and you deserve the credit.

6. Write down ten intentions for 2013. Note that I didn't say resolution. Resolutions are usually unrealistic goals matched by inconsistent behavior with subsequent failure that end up reinforcing some subconscious belief that you're not good enough. I don't do resolutions. An intention is a gentle, present-tense stretch goal. Make it realistic. If you want to lose 80 pounds, intend to lose 20. When you lose that 20, then intend to lose 20 more. Whatever seems realistic and doable as a stretch goal is the key.

Ex. I want to meditate 40 minutes a day. Realistically, that's not going to happen the way I'm going. So, I'll intend to meditate 15 minutes every day. It might start out as five in the morning and ten at night but, whatever, it's movement and it feels doable and it's a stretch goal. Write all of these in present tense not future tense i.e. "I am thankful that I will increase my meditation time to 15 minutes a day. I will commit to five in the morning and ten at night."

It's OK to include a few magical Law of Attraction type intentions in there too. If you want to meet the love of your life or take a fantastic vacation, throw it in there but keep in mind that the Universe responds to our degree of action as well as intention. So, if you want to take a vacation to Europe, it might look like:

"I intend to take a phenomenal two week vacation to Europe. Ways to increase my finances to fund this effortlessly will be brought to me. I will recognize opportunities to take action to move toward this manifestation." Once that's done, your job is to release, be in expectation and be prepared to take action when opportunities arise. If it's in the will of God / universe etc. the action will feel effortless and it will flow. This is known as "inspired action." It's like the relationship where you don't really care who texts who or worry about how you look because it feels so easy. When you're in flow, even the work seems easy, because it's a joy. Look for those moments... they are the sign you're on the right path.

7. Once you've written down your ten intentions, if you're an artsy type you can draw around them or paint or do some hokey vision board stuff. I'm a writer, so I'm just going to call it a day with pen and paper. Read them out loud, yep. It's important to hear yourself saying it. Fold the paper, put it in a special box or place in front of you and meditate for 10 minutes on your intentions. Go through each intention and feel the feeling of what it will be like to achieve it.

8. If you can, write down your intentions on an index card and carry it with you and read them daily. It sounds like magical wizardry stuff but I've done this practice for over 15 years now and have manifested everything from basic stuff like weight loss to promotions to ridiculous things like becoming friends with one of my favorite bands. All you need is the power of belief. Don't believe me? Read this book: The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton.

9. End by a minute of silence, thanking this year for what it taught you. Then say a prayer for the New Year and you're done!

If you're at a loss for prayers, google "New Year's Eve prayer" or whatever, and find one you like. I like this one by Don Miguel Ruiz:

Here's another one by him.

PRAYER FOR SELF-LOVE

By Don Miguel Ruiz, taken from his book “The Mastery of Love”

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you help us to accept ourselves just the way we are, without judgment. Help us to accept our mind the way it is, with all our emotions, our hopes and dreams, our personality, our unique way of being. Help us to accept our body just the way it is, with all its beauty and perfection. Let the love we have for ourselves be so strong that we never again reject ourselves or sabotage our happiness, freedom, and love.

From now on, let every action, every reaction, every thought, every emotion, be based on love. Help us, Creator, to increase our self-love until the entire dream of our life is transformed, from fear and drama to love and joy. Let the power of our self-love be strong enough to break all the lies we were programmed to believe – all the lies that tell us we are not good enough, or strong enough, or intelligent enough, that we cannot make it. Let the power of our self-love be so strong that we no longer need to live our life according to other people’s opinions. Let us trust ourselves completely to make the choices we must make. With our self-love, we are no longer afraid to face any responsibility in our life or face any problems and resolve them as they arise. Whatever we want to accomplish, let it be done with the power of our self-love.

Starting today, help us to love ourselves so much that we never set up any circumstances that go against us. We can live our life being ourselves and not pretending to be someone else just to be accepted by other people. We no longer need other people to accept us or tell us how good we are because we know what we are. With the power of our self-love, let us enjoy what we see every time we look in the mirror. Let there be a big smile on our face that enhances our inner and outer beauty. Help us to feel such intense self-love that we always enjoy our own presence.

Let us love ourselves without judgment, because when we judge, we carry blame and guilt, we have the need for punishment, and we lose the perspective of our love. Strengthen our will to forgive ourselves in this moment. Clean our minds of emotional poison and self-judgments so we can live in complete peace and love.

Let our self-love be the power that changes the dream of our life. With this new power in our hearts, the power of self-love, let us transform every relationship we have, beginning with the relationship we have with ourselves. Help us to be free of any conflict with others. Let us be happy to share our time with our loved ones and to forgive them for any injustice we feel in our mind. Help us to love ourselves so much that we forgive anyone who has ever hurts us in our life.

Give us the courage to love our family and friends unconditionally, and to change our relationships in the most positive way. Help us to create new channels of communication in our relationships so there is no war of control, there is no winner or loser. Together let us work as a team for love, for joy, for harmony.
Let our relationships with our family and friends be based on respect and joy so we no longer have the need to tell them how to think or how to be. Let our romantic relationship be the most wonderful relationship; let us feel joy every time we share ourselves with our partner. Help us to accept others just the way they are, without judgment, because when we reject them, we reject ourselves. When we reject ourselves, we reject you.

Today is a new beginning. Help us to start our life over beginning today with the power of self-love. Help us to enjoy our life, to enjoy our relationships, to explore life, to take risks, to be alive, and to no longer live in fear of love. Let us open our heart to the love that is our birthright. Help us to be come Masters of Gratitude, Generosity, and Love so that we can enjoy all of your creations forever and ever. Amen.

***

Happy New Year.

The Effortless Cool and the Kid Who Sits Alone

2012-11-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

Photo: Joshua Ball

I've been thinking a lot lately about evolutions in our persona, particularly in how it affects artists but I think this relates to everyone. I find it fascinating how artists evolve over the years, be it in finding their songwriting voice or adopting a certain sartorial style. Editorial outlets love to post awkward high school photos of mega rock stars in their less-than-chic days as they know readers hungrily grasp to signs that these individuals were once just... like... them... floating in the general constellation of life.

Now, sometimes an artists' "cool" is just an artifice (usually this will be matched by an exorbitant ego) and other times, it's truly a genuine sense of self borne out of years of awkward experimentation and experience. Occasionally, you're David Bowie and God just made you that way. For most of us however, the effortless cool or a strong sense of self-esteem, is a work in progress and slow evolution.

I say this because... as I looked down at work I'm prepping for the American Music Awards this morning, I thought, "If you would've told 11-year-old Tatiana what her life would be like many years later, she wouldn't have believed you."

You see, I was the kid who sat alone. My parents moved a lot when I was in elementary school and by the time I got to fifth grade, I was socially inept. I had gone to five different schools, making friends was excruciating and because I'm so small, I was never picked for any sport teams. To be frank: I was a nerd. (Side note: I'm thankful for music education in schools, as learning piano at age seven probably saved my life.)

By the time I got to middle school, my mom would tell me things like, "Just sit by yourself at lunch and pray that Jesus will bring you friends" which is so funny and sweetly sad to me now. My solace was found in academia, the kindness of teachers and falling into the dream of music. I would idolize my favorite stars and clutch to their childhood stories of reciting acceptance speeches into their toothbrushes at night. I had this little kernel of hope in me that I could do something big with my music and my life... there was just one problem... I wasn't cool.

By high school, I started to make more friends but internally still felt horribly awkward. Joining theater, honor societies, chorale etc. helped me to develop the courage to speak up more. I started raising my hand in class more, performing as an actress and singer in school functions and as I took little steps of courage, I was finally able to do something terrifying like run for senior class president - which I won - I still don't know why. I still didn't feel cool, I wasn't popular, I wasn't homecoming queen, I wasn't the girl everyone wanted to date and I wasn't super stylish. I was just a girl who loved music and school and had learned to raise her hand and speak up. I was afraid of failure and what people thought of me for sure but I wasn't going to let it rule my life.

The Effortless Cool

I say this all because having the blood of the awkward loner kid still coursing through my veins, I make an effort to reach out to people who sit alone. I make an effort to engage in conversation with those who seem quiet and shy. To be frank, I talk to strangers.

I think one of the reasons I enjoy working in artist relations is not only am I a musician but I can identify with the awkward kid below the effortlessly cool human sitting beside me. A lot of non-artists approach this field with a sense of sycophancy or false ego. An artist isn't impressed if you think you're awesome, they're impressed by someone who appreciates what they do well but can relate to the humanity in them. This is how all human beings function. We are all afraid of failure and we all just want to be seen.

In all of our lives, there is that person who sits alone. That guy at work who is really quiet, just keeps his ear buds in and seems boring? He probably has a lot he could teach you. The clerk at the grocery store with the name tag on? She's a human being, not an assembly line, and you should try thanking her by name so she doesn't feel invisible. The waiter who takes your really complicated food order? He's doing you a service and not vice versa, so maybe ask him how his day is going. Your small actions could be the catalyst to help someone else begin to raise their hand more, slowly take risks and evolve into their effortless cool.

If you're the kid who sits alone, have faith. There is one guarantee in this life and that is change. Cultivate a sense of discipline, learn about the law of attraction and don't be afraid to raise your hand. Take the next indicated step in the direction of your dreams but don't be afraid if the path diverges because sometimes closed doors lead to a brighter life somewhere else.

If you are successful, I pray you reach out to those who sit alone and that you have people around you who keep your ego in check and spirit balanced. It is what I miss the most about my parents (who have passed away). My drag-racing-auto-shop-teaching father was not impressed with my work or "any of that celebrity bullshit, they all put their pants on one leg at a time." My luddite Brazilian mom once responded to a mention that I was in the Wall Street Journal with, "Uh... Tacheeeahna... Waaaaall Streeeeet... What? Is that good? Is it good to be there?" I laughed. It's just stuff and things.

What makes you cool is your heart, not the stuff and things. Ask any formerly-awkward kid (who probably still feels occasionally awkward beneath their motorcycle boots and leather jacket) and they'll tell you that. Being professionally successful can shape your legacy but if you want it to have a lasting impact, make sure you cultivate a spirit of vulnerability and compassion.

May you continue to find your effortless cool, thrive to be spiritually balanced and always extend a hand to the person who sits alone. Who knows what mega star that kid (or adult) might become... and who knows who you will become because of it.

Perception

2012-08-24T00:31:00.001-07:00

I am learning lately that our pain or joy at any given moment is relative to how we look at things. I remember sitting in the kitchen of a couple in Brighton, who had a framed photo that said, "Things that happen now often make sense later." It's certainly true.

Sometimes in the heat of confusion, it's hard to see anything clearly except your pain. The only way out is acceptance I find. Not that that is always easy.

Sometimes accepting the truth requires us to give up our illusions to how we think things are and own the reality of what they are. Only in accepting reality for all it's brutal beauty can we move forward to freedom. I have often remarked in the past that the most common search term people tend to find this blog through is the phrase, "Letting go."

Acceptance often requires a letting go of something. When we give up resisting and let go, we're allowed to let things be. It's easier said than done but frequently necessary. It's also true, "That which you resist persists."

How often in our attempt to keep things we lose them by holding on? In our attempts to create perfection we bring on failure through our own faulty perceptions. Sometimes the truth is God's way of clearing out things that no longer serve us. It doesn't feel good in the interim nor easy but generally in the end, we will see, "Things that happen now often makes sense later."

And to quote the ol' Biblia, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him."

I have to cling to this truth that no matter how deep the pain, by accepting and letting go... only good can come of it.

Everything is Perfect, All of the Time

2012-06-10T10:16:00.003-07:00

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky." - Buddha

12/2011

So, my mom died last Sunday. We knew it was coming but it wasn't supposed to be so soon. In some ways, it was easier than my dad's death. My dad's death by sudden heart attack a few years ago was like getting sucker punched out of nowhere. I felt the air rush out of me in one shocking blow. It felt like a black cloud decided to take up residence on top of my head. You don't plan to bury your parents in your early thirties. You don't plan to worry about your mother's impending foreclosure or figure out how to navigate the state's medical system for the elderly. You plan to worry about weddings and baby showers and eternal school loan payments. Life often has different plans though.

When my mom got diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer last year - at stage IV - in her lungs and liver and bones, I knew we had maybe a year or maybe two. I knew doctors wouldn't tell me this (and they never did). I knew if she changed her diet, there was hope. There's a lot of research around the raw food diet extending the life of cancer patients, but my mom wasn't interested. She wanted Pinkberry and Chinese food and as it was her life, I said OK.

I read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying to help me. It essentially asserts that we earn the greatest karma in this life when we help someone who is dying transition without fear. I sought to make this process about her and not me. I would often remind people that I did not have cancer, she did. I focused on what she wanted. It doesn't mean I'm a hero, I just had less capacity for selfishness.

Detachment and acceptance helped me constantly. The most pain for me during this process always resided in the future. Whenever thoughts like, "I'll have no parents at my wedding one day" would come up, I would have to just stop myself. I began to repeat the phrase, "This Too Shall Pass" and I made up one, "I can't imagine it any different than it is."

When I was away on business and missed one of my mom's doctor appointments, her sketchy oncologist decided to order chemo and radiation when the cancer spread to her brain. You don't need to be a medical professional to know that if cancer is everywhere in someone's body, chemo and radiation aren't going to help and also, the patient probably won't tolerate it well. Within one week of treatment, my mom could no longer walk and yet the radiation professionals were telling her to come back because the "tumors were reducing." I was furious. Did they take months off her life? I think so. I struggled on and off with various degrees of anger and resentment but I always came back to, "I can't imagine it any different than it is."

When you can no longer change something, you can only accept it. It would be far too painful for me to live in the resentment. I would have to trust that the Universe or God or whoever, would handle dealing with the karma of those who seemed more interested in making a profit.

Nine months ago I thought, "I won't be able to handle seeing her too sick. I won't be able to handle changing bed sheets. I can't do it." But when you walk in the present, grace meets you every step of the way. I said everything that needed to be said, she said everything she needed to say. I was with her during all of her waking hours. I had a feeling she didn't want me there when she passed and sure enough, when I was out at a friend's house getting something to eat, she passed. I felt it the moment it happened. I had been having shadow pains with her and felt a sudden pressure on my chest like I couldn't breathe and then the thought, "it will be OK, just let go" and then peace.

I thought, "How do I drive home to see a body?" But you do and grace is there and I put make up on her so she would look nice.

I have listened a lot to Wayne Dyer's audio book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life this week and watched Byron Katie's movie (free download) The Work. Both deal with acceptance of what is. Dyer's book is a modern translation of the Tao and Katie's is about getting away from the stories we make up in our heads about situations.

I have been quite a hermit and feel up and down but that's all a part of the process. Some friends are good at dealing with grief, others aren't - that too - is all a part of the process. I just keep reminding myself that everything is perfect all of the time. I saw so much perfection in how everything with my mom took place. She was always taken care of.

Even when I don't feel like it, I know, I am always taken care of. It reminds me of both the verse:

"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin" - Matthew 6:28

as well as the Bjork lyric, "You'll be given love / You'll be taken care of / You'll be given love

You have to trust it / Maybe not from the sources / You have poured yours / Maybe not from the directions / You are staring at"

You don't always get support the way you want it from who you want it, but you will be taken care of. Accepting that reality and that everything is happening exactly as it should is tremendously liberating for me.

I am very tired and I have to say, I often hear people talk of losing someone "close to them" when they hear you've lost a parent and I have to assert that - it's very different to lose the people whose DNA created you. It is something you do not understand until you go through it. It's like saying you understand parenting because you have a nephew - you may understand aspects of parenting - but you don't truly understand it. The death of your parents puts you in a strange existential place but it's not bad, it's just different. Your world changes, you change. I'm still navigating what it all means... for now, I just want to sleep for awhile.

Acceptance is always the answer, grace is always there... this too shall pass.

The "How Are You" Principle

2012-04-22T09:07:00.002-07:00

A lot of emphasis has been placed in recent years on the value of saying "thank you." In fact, digital marketing guru / entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk wrote a book called, "The Thank You Economy" about recognizing the value of consumers. This piece is about the next step... I call it, "The How Are You Principle." The How Are You principle is about recognizing the value of everyone... even those who aren't buying anything or giving you something.

Preface: I worked many "name tag" jobs for years. Whether it was at Disneyland or retail stores, I was a blue collar slave to the wage for eons. I noticed that whenever customers managed to say my name, I felt better about them and my job. I took this observation into my adult life and have always made a habit of saying the name of the person who is helping me so they know that I see them. (I noticed recently that my mentor Nanea takes it one step further and often introduces herself to them, "You told us your name, we'll tell you ours... it's only fair". That is next level.)

So here's the question: How often do we genuinely ask others how they are doing? Here's a short tale:

I was recently at a high end restaurant in Hollywood for a fancy music industry dinner. The place was crammed with people who could best be described as, "people who know people" (or people who think they do). At the front of the restaurant was four model-esque hostesses who ran around seating people and intermittently popping into the ladies restroom to clean the counter. Most women who came into the restaurant seemed to ignore them or size them up, most men who came in also sized them up and then focused on getting the best table they could.

I had gone to the restroom mid meal and as I was fixing my lipstick, one of the hostesses came in. There was no one else in the restroom but us... she began cleaning the counter around me. There is a strange silence in moments like these, it's somewhat like the awkward tension of sharing an elevator trip up 20 floors with one person. On one hand, you recognize there's another human being in the room... on the other, your personal space mechanism kicks in and most often leads to minding your own business.

On this occasion however, I couldn't mind my own business. For some reason, I felt compelled to speak up. So as she cleaned the counter, I said, "Hi. How are you doing tonight?" The hostess looked up at me stunned. Literally. She stammered, "Um... um... wow. Thank you. I'm good. Wow. No one ever asks." She literally said, "No one ever asks." I smiled and said, "Aw, that's too bad. We're all just humans after all." She smiled again, "Yes, thank you. So much."

I felt a sense of peace but also a sense of sadness following this exchange. How often we treat others as if they are invisible. If they're not bringing our food or filling our water, we don't even see them. I believe like attracts like and if we make a practice of ignoring others and focusing only on those who give us what we want then we will attract scarcity and dissatisfaction.

Taking it one step further, how often do you ask yourself, "How are you?" Busy-ness has a way of jamming our emotional circuits and disallowing us from checking in. I find some people hop from one relationship to the next because they're too afraid to be alone or listen to their own thoughts. Others keep themselves so busy with "tasks" that it often takes illness to make them slow down and see that they're out of touch with their spirit. For the hermits, perfectionism combined with isolationism often leads to a lack of romantic relationships, drowning in "over-thinking" and resting in a delusional cocoon as a safety mechanism to avoid vulnerability. It also leads to narcissism, loneliness and a lack of service. The remedy to all three situations is: going beyond our comfort zone, slowing down, being present and checking in.

The lesson I personally have learned this year is: anything I want from someone else I must give to myself. If I want love and attention, I must give myself unconditional love and complete acceptance. If I want someone to show up, I have to show up for myself first. If I want someone to be consistent, I need to be consistent in self-care and ask myself how I am doing on a regular basis. When I slow down and am writing music and getting my car washed and working out and taking care of me... it's interesting how often I receive the love and attention I wanted. I also feel a sense of personal satisfaction that doesn't require another's sense of approval.

Additionally, asking anyone (from friends to strangers) "How are you?" is a small act of service that will go a long, long way and can help quiet the monkey mind. Trust me.

I dare you to try an experiment this week and genuinely ask 3 to 5 people (and yourself) how they are doing... and then... listen to . It can be friends, but throw in a stranger or two. It's a very simple magic trick that can change your whole day or maybe, your whole life.

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death

2012-03-08T22:02:00.005-08:00

I haven't posted here in three months. It's been a bit too hard to always find the words or the time to distill a wide variety of emotions into inspiring let alone, coherent sentences. I'll start with the elephant in the room and go from there: my mom is dying. (That being said, the grammar in this one might be sketchy so bear with me.)

Those who have followed my writings have seen me through the death of my father, grandmother, a friend and surviving an accident that almost killed me... all in the past four years. And, if you know me, you know I walked this road without one drink or drug (literally) and with a lot of support from my friends. It wasn't easy... but I kept on trucking.

So... here we go again.

Cue Whitesnake.

Psalm 23 states, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I'm not a theologian or a frequent Bible quoter, but man, I feel like I am seriously walking in that valley. As my mother's body continues to weaken by the cancer (although her spirit hasn't), it takes all my strength to stay present and remember she is here now. I already feel her absence so deep in my bones that it's hard to breathe sometimes. The love I have for her leaves me feeling like I am never doing enough because she's still in pain. However, even in this valley, I don't feel alone... I know we are both being taken care of.

us. 1978

Since this blog has always been about being in solution... and offering hope... here's my take on how I'm walking through this with my mom:

1. I am not special.

A lot of people have lost their parents and it sucks... but death is inevitable. Death. Is. Inevitable. I repeat. We will all die. Being in utter acceptance of that makes my life easier. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Rinpoche opens by saying that Buddhists and Christians are frequently better off when it comes to dealing with death because they are in constant awareness of it unlike other folks who live their lives as if it's a fairy tale.

A passage from another text that some friends of mine and I quote frequently is:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

I don't know why my mom's cancer came back and spread to her bones, brain, liver and lungs. I just know that it has and short of a miracle, will claim her life this year. I surrender to that truth and do my best to avoid resisting it.

2. There are plenty of people in the world with problems worse than mine.

Man, a whole bunch of people in the Midwest lost their families, houses and entire cities due to tornadoes in the past few weeks. I can't imagine. There are kids in Africa and Asia being trafficked and recruited into rebel armies. In my mom's own native Brasil, there is widespread corruption and violence and people so poor with no help and nowhere to go.

My mom has terminal cancer and is in a sketch financial situation but we live in a great country. Terminal cancer is a crappy reality to deal with, but we are still OK. She is supported by her church, we're squeaking by on MediCare and CareMore health coverage and overall... I see the God she believes in so strongly provide for her. Bills miraculously get paid, doctors visits handled, the fridge gets stocked and another day passes. She is surrounded by love and we are both very lucky.

3. Gratitude Goes Farther Than Criticism

I won't lie, my fuse has been short recently. Things easily irritate you when you have a "big deal" problem like a terminally ill family member. I have not always been as kind as I should be to people I love and have had to apologize, course correct and get back intro gratitude and action to keep me centered.

I meditate to still my mind and keep my focus on solution rather than dissolution. I do this because people who complain all day are no fun to be around. I know... because I block them all on Facebook and don't hang with out them. :)

To be blunt, Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world" not "Go bitch about your opinions and problems on Facebook and Twitter." I don't want to be a whiner, I want to be a part of the solution.

4. Get Into Service

Heavy problems like these can be a breeding ground for drama so I find it important to keep a pragmatic perspective as much as possible. My mother's illness is about her not me. I don't have cancer. I'm not in pain all day long. I'm a kid with a sick parent and there are many of us in the world who have to deal with this problem. C'est la...

That being said, I am a human being with a very busy career on top of care-taking and all the emotional implications of that. It is exhausting beyond belief and I have to practice extra self-care so that I stay healthy myself.

But here's one irony...

...when I help my mom and when I help other people, I feel a lot less tired. There's something about being of service that fills my tank up again. I can't explain it, I just know it works. Maybe it's because it distracts me from my busy brain or maybe it's because it gives me a sense of purpose. Whatever the reason... giving when you have nothing to give leads to receiving more than you would know.

5. You Can Have Joy

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... I do not have to be a goth kid feeling sorry for myself. My mom is the first one to kick my ace when I get in the dumps. My life has some seriously awesome things and people in it right now and for that, I am thankful. I feel like I'm on a yin yang seesaw as I go through the extremes of E.R. visits one day contrasted with oddities like having to attend award shows for work. It's like, "What? How is this my reality?" These stark polarities keep everything in perspective for me.

I am not always happy, but I do always have joy. Things do not always feel good, but there is always something to be grateful for. I am certainly not perfect, but if I can help lessen her pain and walk through this crappy time with a relative amount of grace and dignity... my hope is... it will help someone else realize they can too.

6. Be Still

Times of intense pain immediately beg to be stuffed. Being sober, I can't drink it away. Being a health nut, I can't eat it away. Being relatively spiritual, I have to suck it up and pray and meditate and journal daily to deal with the intensity. (Yes, daily.)

the 'rents. 1976

And so I sit... I sit in the uncomfortable silence that is a constantly anxious stomach and a heavy heart and I feel it all.

And as I learned when my father died suddenly on December 13th, 2008, one day after his 59th birthday and two days after their 32nd wedding anniversary...

if you get quiet enough... just below the raging storm of emotions... you will feel this place inside of you that assures you: it is going to be ok. You don't need to know how you're going to get there, but you can know, that it will be OK.

Pain is inevitable... suffering is optional.

“When you have come to the edge

Of all light that you know

And are about to drop off into the darkness
Of the unknown, Faith is knowing
One of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on or
You will be taught to fly”
- Patrick Overton

us. 2/2012

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Real

2011-12-03T11:35:00.001-08:00

Relationships: 
Easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? 
 Because it's hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. 
You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act... sounding like you sound.  
 When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them.  
You're meeting their representative.  
- Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker

I love this line from Chris Rock's stand up special Bigger and Blacker because it illustrates one 
of  the most common dilemmas in interpersonal relations: the inability to be authentic. Being born 
and raised in Los Angeles, I have been surrounded by people who come here to make it big... as 
well as folks who come from large trust funds and try desperately to separate from that identity to
blue collar peeps like myself who want to be something they're not or ridicule any who have more
than they do. There are, of course... those who are authentic... but getting there can be a process.
 
It's common these days for people to become an arsenal of stories that they rotate, based on occasion,
in order to get approval. These stories place their worth on who that person knows, who they think 
are, what they do for work, what parties they can get into and what stuff they own. 

If you have decent communication skills, it's easy to find almost anything to bond with someone
over in this town ranging from music to shared history. The problem is when we begin to manipulate
who we are in order to get someone to like us better. I see girls do this a lot in dating, they become
so terrified at the thought that some part of them isn't good enough for someone else that they try
to play up half truths i.e. "He's really sporty, I'm not, I'll talk about how I love watching sports and
going to the gym... even though I don't really go that often... but he doesn't have to know." That's
the representative Chris Rock talks about.

Guys do this too. I have a friend who has an answer for everything I say. I can reference the most
obscure band and he'll somehow magically know about them (when I suspect he doesn't at all).
At first I found it odd, then I found it annoying and lately, I just find it sad. It's sad he isn't able to
be real. It's sad he doesn't know how to say, "I don't know who they are." He is so afraid of being
vulnerable that he would just rather lie.

I have a reader who has been struggling in her dating life... I see her posts of sadness over an ex
who she misses. She checks his socials obsessively and spirals into depression. What I want to
say to her is - it's not him, it's you. Wait, what? He isn't making you sad, you are. You have decided
you aren't worth enough and so you're waiting and placing your happiness on someone who isn't
showing up for you. (Ps. I recommend you read the book: If The Buddha Dated: A Handbook For
Finding Love on the Spiritual Path.) 

Here is the secret:
Magic happens when you start doing YOU and living an authentic life. Find what you love and own 
it. Don't apologize for it. I think a lot of books about interpersonal relationships and being successful
somehow suggest that we can trick people into liking us. "Don't answer these calls, don't contact them
first, don't act this way or that... and then this person will love you."

That is inauthentic. 

Here is what does work: Know that you are enough on your very own and become so happy on 
your own that you don't want to let someone into your life unless they compliment it. A bad 
relationship is far worse than no relationship at all. Have boundaries and don't let others walk 
over them. If you want to date and someone just wants to be friends... tell them to peace out if you 
can't handle it (and let's be honest, most friendships where one person has feelings and the
other is "trying to figure it out" just don't work). Own the right to say no and live your life. 


An authentic person goes into dating thinking, "Am I genuinely interested in this person? Do I feel
a spark or do I want to get to know them more to see if a spark is there?"

An inauthentic person goes into it thinking, "Oh, they like me. How can I make sure they keep liking
me. How can I dress / act / talk / buy things to insure they'll like me." 

I want people in my life who are authentic. Individuals who have a spiritual grounding and don't
base their worth on what they do or the money they have. I work around a lot of celebrities in my
line of business and you know what? It could end tomorrow and I'd be the same person. I live a
humble life that has a few moments of glamour and I don't define myself based on the latter. I
define myself on how I care for my family, how I take care of myself and the ability to live based
on my spirit. 

My friend Mike is a great example of this... he went through a rough break up and had some really
dark moments. As a single dad in sketchy economic times, it can be hard to pick up the pieces.
Mike chose to focus on himself. He became a triathlete, focused on being the best dad, started a 
great blog about changing his life and just started doing Mike. It's not surprising to me that as a
result of him essentially "falling in love with Mike," a young woman (and a beautiful food blogger!) 
named Liz reached out to compliment his blog... and one year later, they're now married. If  Liz 
had followed "The Rules" - where you're not supposed to contact a man first - her and Mike 
wouldn't be married right now. Good thing she followed her spirit instead.

The magic happens when you decide to love yourself. If someone isn't calling you? They're not
worth it. You however, are always worth it. Go where the love is. Make this mantra below your credo:
"If you're looking for the love of your life: STOP. They will be waiting for you when you start doing 
things you love."

You Are Worth It and Be Kind

2011-11-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

This is a two parter: 1st part, you are worth it. 2nd part, be gentle with others' hearts.

I read this story months back about a famous young singer who, at one point, wanted to ditch her entire career because of a man she lost. I was simultaneously fascinated/furious with the piece. Here she was, this phenomenal talent whining about some man who clearly did not deserve her attention. My reasoning of course was, "Well, she deserves better and could get any man she wants because she's [insert her name]." Yet, how many of us do the same thing?

I've worked around famous artists for years and seen how mundane their lives can be. How the loneliness and obsession that plague all of us strike them too. I then thought of how I have minimized my own worth at times for men who quite frankly did not deserve me. Why do we do it? Sometimes it's as simple as boredom. Other times, not so simple. The nuances of how we connect to other human beings is intricate. It could be repeating a cycle based off abandonment issues and thinking you're unworthy or... truly connecting with someone who just isn't available. Sometimes we just don't know...

In the end, the only way I know if someone I'm seeing is worth my time... is if they seek my time. If I have to seek them out, it's worthless. It doesn't mean I don't do it at times, I just end up pissed off at myself. If someone cares, they call... or *sigh* at least texts (<-so lazy). When someone likes you they make an effort to see you, to plan things and bottom line: they show up.

Before all of that however, you have to decide you're worth it. Put a premium on your time. I 86'd a guy not too long ago because he had a habit of only asking me out last minute. I never said yes. I finally said, "I told you to give me four days notice, if you can't do that - this won't work." He couldn't, I moved on. Put a premium on yourself. Will you make mistakes? Yes. Will you fall for charming bastards or well-intentioned souls who can't show up? Sometimes. That's life, it's part of the journey. But just keep putting yourself first and it will all work out.

Focusing on my artistic side lately has so connected me to the inner kick ass core of myself. It makes me feel indomitable. But besides the fleeting superhero feelings, here's a secret: when I think I resent someone else for hurting me... the truth is, I resent myself more for putting up with their lazy behavior. Keep on keepin' on and know that you're worth it and you won't have to put up with laziness.

Part 2. Reflection.

OK... so piggy backing on the last idea.

I was digging through old emails today and found some exchanges with an old friend who I miss dearly... one of my soul mates. I thought of the lack of patience I showed him because I was so stuck in my ways. Oftentimes, we feel the need to punish others... especially the ones we care about most... but why? When does teaching someone a lesson ever do anything except give us gratification that we issued an ass whooping.

Here's what I've learned, when it comes to dating and sometimes even close friendship: men... not so good at direct communication. They will rarely say, "I'm not that into you" or "I need to cancel" or "I'm seeing someone else" - they will however lag, reschedule, flake, lie about their plans, say they don't have time for a girlfriend (then get one 30 days later...) and otherwise avoid the subject (sometimes while trying to have their cake and eat it too). As one of my mentors once said, "Tatiana, with men... expecting them to be feeling the same thing you are is like trying to use an ATM card in the 1950s. They're slower creatures when it comes to emotions, be patient and give it time."

A lot of girls blow things up really quickly with potential mates because they can't give it time. We feel the need to rush because we're already emotionally invested. The girls who win in love... are simply the ones who stay cool. The girls who have their own lives going on and can somehow manage to hold their ATM card patiently while they wait for their 1950s man to get to the new millennium... or at least the 80s. Crazy making, doesn't work. Damn.

This isn't a bash men section though... the point of this section is to say: be kind and gentle with the hearts of others, even those who disappoint you. Remember everyone has feelings... even men who act like they don't. When we get caught up in the whirlwind of what's "fair" and how "things should be," we often end up throwing the kitchen sink at people and really hurting them. In looking over my old emails with A., I realized we're not friends today because my need to be right won out over my need to remember he had feelings. It's been a few years and he still won't talk to me. Maybe he never will. I don't know... but it's made me determined to never hurt someone like that again.

It doesn't mean that practicing patience and unconditional love with friends or dates or boyfriends will get you your way.

I dated someone last Christmas who was lovely for about a week... and then it became obvious it wasn't going to work out between us. I liked him a lot and was disappointed... but I just practiced unconditional love and told him he could do his thing. What happened was, I let him go, he left and I harbored no ill will. In a short amount of time, I realized it was all for the best. He treats me with adoration when he sees me and I'm happy we're on good terms. This week, I was walking through this outdoor shopping mall where he and I spent last Christmas under fake snow and twinkling lights. It made me smile. It was one of the best Christmas nights of my entire life. He gave me that. Maybe that's all he was supposed to give me.

Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Struggle within yourself to accept them and let them be. It is not easy but it is a necessity... and definitely worth it. Nature abhors a vaccuum... so once we let go, it will often flood us with so much love from so many other directions that you will wonder why you never let go in the first place...

Also, a lot of times we hold on to something so tightly not realizing that something else so much better is waiting for us just on the horizon.

Feel The Fear, Do It Anyway

2011-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

When I was younger (late teens/early twenties), I made a lot of decisions (a lot) with a luxurious sense of reckless abandon. Drop out of school? No problem. Move to London? Why not. Tour across country in a band in the middle of July in a van with no air conditioning? Sign me up. I didn't really think of silly things like "implications", I just sort of jumped through whatever rabbit hole presented itself. Part of this was motivated by an underlying sense of curious mischief but another more significant part was being anchored by a desire to not be like my folks.

My dad was the guy who never took sick days or vacations. He played it safe, worked hard and made a little money go a long way. It was pretty much a miracle. However, as I've written here before, he also missed the opportunity to pursue a lot of his dreams. This fact was not lost on me and as I fumbled my way through my adult life, I determined I would not fall into that trap. Somehow, I managed to stick to that. Sometimes I took too many risks, but I don't regret them.

A lot of people I know however, haven't. I don't judge, I think it's honestly a miracle that I've been fortunate to turn my "pipe dreams" into reality somehow. I think the adage, "Do what you love and the money will follow" has turned out to be 100% true in my life. I remember taking a 15k pay cut when I was in my late twenties because I knew I had to leave a job that just wasn't a fit. The CEO was a genius (and also, my age) who gave me a big opportunity and I had to go to him and say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I have to follow my dream and I can't follow yours right now." He respected my decision. So, what was my dream? To work in music again.

If there's one thing that has been the common thread hewn throughout the narrative of my life, it is music. Having the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand" on 7" at age five, starting piano lessons at age seven (and playing ever since), hearing the Cocteau Twins and Morrissey at 12... all these things led to my many years songwriting, working as a music journalist, utilizing my inner geek to transition into the digital marketing side of music and ultimately, deciding that my life would be devoted to this subject.

The road hasn't been easy. There were plenty of times when I thought, "How the hell is this going to work out?" I had one year that was nothing but solid music company lay offs, start up failures and editors who lost their jobs (which meant I lost assignments). However, in the end, I just kept chasing the sound and somehow, always landed on my feet.

The older we get, the harder it becomes to pursue our dreams. I don't just mean professionally either, a lot of people stay in dead relationships for far too long or settle for mediocre ones because of fear. On the same token, many people run from unconditional love and true intimacy for stupid reasons that range from blaming stuff on their parents to astrology. Whether it's being stuck in a body you no longer recognize or a relationship you can't stand, it's all the same fear. Whether it's the discomfort of taking the leap into the entrepreneurial unknown or the similar leap into the arms of someone who actually treats you well, it's - all - the - same - fear.

Fear is just an excuse to limit ourselves and keep us stuck. You will always know how your life will end up if you stay with the fear, but you will never know how good it could get until you use faith.

I distinctly remember the fear I felt when I moved to London at 19. I had no job there, a student work visa and about $800. On the flight over, it dawned on me that I hadn't really thought this "move to another country" thing through. All I knew of England was people had accents, drank tea, the weather was grey and the Cocteau Twins lived there. My introduction to London was rough. My first few months had many ups and many downs, but I learned so much about myself (I don't enjoy raves, for instance). After losing my job and my flat in London in the same week, I wound up moving to Brighton and falling in love with the city. Had I not lost my job or my flat, I would have never made it there. Brighton is one of the most special places on earth to me for so many personal reasons and had I bothered with my fear before I hopped on that plane or played it safe in London... I would have never known.

I also happened to get a job at the first Internet cafe in London in 1997 which is kind of coincidental now that I work in the digital space.

I am an eternal optimist in that I feel it is never too late to change. Before my dad died, he was about to change his diet - which was a miracle to me. My mom recently did and her stage 4 cancer has stabilized as a result. Humans are capable of amazing change at any point in the game, they just have to be willing to take the step. Grace will always meet you as you begin your journey as long as your motives are pure. You just have to put the wheels in motion.

Go with your gut not with your fear...

...and trust those people who know how to kick your ass when you don't know the difference. "Feelings aren't facts" - a lot of times are feelings our just masks for our fear and it takes listening to sound counsel from good friends to help us realize it. Don't be so stubborn that you miss out on your life.

Believe in the power of your dreams. It is never too late to have the life you've imagined.

Messages From The Beyond...

2011-09-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

I never really believed in the whole people from the beyond being with you or sending messages from the beyond until my dad died. It was really very odd. The synchronicities and peculiar mysteries began cropping up all over.

I used to call my dad "Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor" because he always had some home improvement project going that would always go haywire and take forever to finish. His last project before he died was the guest bathroom in our house. It was the bathroom my brother and I used. He had finally finished it and then started taking apart the master bathroom. After he passed suddenly, numerous problems began mysteriously happening in the guest bathroom. My brother and I both thought "What is going on? This is not normal" and took it as some weird sign that he was trying to get our attention and wanted us to know he was still there.

From then on, as weird as it is, whenever something has gone wrong in a bathroom I have, I think of my dad. Sometimes I even start to talking to him. In the last house I lived in, my bathroom light would flicker on and off intermittently and it wasn't uncommon for me to say, "Ok Dad, what do you want... here's what's new with me..." only to have the light finally come on.

I say all of this because I had a dream the other night that didn't seem like much at first... but once I began taking it apart I realized it was another message from him.

In my dream, the toilet in the guest bathroom was mysteriously tilted on an angle. I remember looking at it and, being the true perfectionist that I am, felt immensely perturbed. I thought, "Ugh, why is it like that?! It needs to be fixed. It needs to be straight." So I tugged and pulled at the toilet until it was finally straightened out. As I got it into the perfect angle, water began gushing uncontrollably from the toilet and from different faucets all over the house. My dad ran in the bathroom and yelled, "What are you doing?!" I said, "I'm sorry! I was trying to fix it! I didn't know!" He then janked it on angle once again, the gushing stopped and I began looking for a number to call to get it properly fixed.

The glaring metaphor inherent in this dream was not obvious at first to me, but when I put it down in ink, I saw it.

How often in life do we think, "It needs to be THIS way! I know it has to be like this!" and we tug and we pull in order to align things according to our idea of what is right. Except, once we get what we want we realize that we have created a bigger mess. Unbeknownst to us, in the crooked mess of our life, a plan was in place that protected us. A plan that was sparing us from a bigger mess. However, our obsession with having it our way, led us into pain and trouble.

Being a theist, I think it can be a metaphor for God and/or the Universe telling us, "Let things be, accept them and I'll let you know when it's your time to take action." If you're an atheist, the metaphor still works. The idea of "going with the flow" is universal. Anytime, we go against the flow, whether in a relationship or in a pursuit of a certain career goal or object, it feels like wading through mud. Going against the flow is a struggle, it is painful and feels downright icky because it's so much damn work. However going with the flow, is no work at all. It's those magical relationships, the jobs that fall into your lap, that person thinking of you at the exact same time you reach out. When you are in a place of acceptance for where you are, things tend to flow easier.

I stay present these days more than I ever have. I am so profoundly grateful to be alive and for all the little things I see each day from butterflies to stray dogs to the homeless man who lies on his side near the bridge by my house quietly reading every day. I wonder how many cars pass by him and never see him. I always wonder what he's reading.

I guess the message here is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it... and if it's kind of crooked, it might be just the way it's supposed to be as well.

You can thank my dad for this one.

my parents at their engagement party. 1976.

Falling Down Rabbit Holes to Happiness

2011-09-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me earlier this week about what my goals were or where my passion lied. It's honestly a really tough question for me to answer because I don't set concrete goals like, "I want to be a president of XYZ one day" or what have you. It's all a nebulous pastiche of knowing what I like... going toward that, knowing what I don't like... moving away from that and seeing where it leads.

My entire career is based on this. I never intended to be a rock journalist. Heck, I never intended to pursue journalism when I first started university. My then best friend noticed I liked writing and when I couldn't decide between history, philosophy, English or journalism told me to go with the latter. I did and then realized I only really liked writing about music or fashion. I had a passion for it which means: I would do it for free, I would take super crappy internships and wait to get assigned awesome stories. As I did, one thing led to another and my career progressed.

Somewhere along the way, I realized I had no desire to really ascend to much of anything in journalism though. Most true rock journos ache to get in the book publishing circuit and land some pieces in prime publications. As my career was winding down, I published a few things online for Rolling Stone and realized... "Eh, I don't really care about doing this full time."

Simultaneously, my natural curiosity with tech was growing. I worked at the first internet cafe in London in 1997. I was an early adopter to social sites. I was always online "wasting time" with photo editing or something. And, as one thing led to another, I fell down that rabbit hole. As with journalism, I had a passion for it and I was good at it. One thing led to another, as if by magic, and it has been my career for five years now.

My future "goals" look something like this: I hope to do something with my music but it doesn't need to be my career. I plan to continue in the tech world as long as it interests me or as long as doors keep opening. I plan to publish a book or two. I would love to get into counseling of some kind. I would love to volunteer at a senior citizen's home because I think this country is so lousy to the elderly. I think adoption is rad because so many kids right here in the U.S. are stuck in a janky foster care system. I plan to become a gourmet level cook with a fitness competitor body (it's possible, trust me). And, I want to do more public speaking on both tech and mind/body stuff since talking comes natural (if you know me, you'll chuckle at that). But honestly, the truth of the matter is, I have so many pursuits I love that I just stay simultaneously active and open knowing that another path may open.

But all I really want to do is keep falling down rabbit holes that interest me and be of service while doing so. I want to make a maximum difference in my time here. Truly.

In the end, all the "stuff" and titles and salary is pretty much useless if your life is spent in a selfish pursuit of outward stuff. However, if your heart is service-oriented, the stuff and the titles and the salary can be a vehicle to bless the lives of others and make a powerful difference through philanthropy.

My career has run the gamut from being lame to impressive to lame again to impressive again etc. etc. To be quite honest, I don't really care much these days. My ego is no longer based on whether or not I can get on that list, into that party, in that meeting or what have you. It doesn't mean I'm not ambitious and goal driven, I am and will fight fiercely when I am going after something. However, there's a difference between ambition and ego-driven behavior. I don't really have the latter anymore... meaning I don't have all the answers.

I know I'm taken care of today. I like where I'm at today. I hope I get to do more of what I like in the future and I hope a whole bunch of people are blessed by it. I know how to lead but I don't need to control... everything tends to figure itself out in the long run anyway.

What are your rabbit holes? What would you do for free because you love it so much? Don't limit yourself to thinking you can't make a living (and a good one) doing what you love - because you can. I do. It hasn't always been easy, but it's always been worth it.

xx

Practice Random Acts of Kindness: Physically and Digitally

2011-08-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

(This one starts off on a downer note but ends with a happy note so stick around for the pay off ;)

We live in a day and age where it seems more people practice random acts of judgment and criticism than random acts of kindness. It truly makes me sad. For instance, one of the artists on the label I work for was teased online for being overweight by a mean-spirited person. It truly upset the young lady who read these words about her. She's battled an eating disorder and gets rewarded by taunts from some anonymous person in the cyber sphere? (By the way, she is nowhere near overweight and our society/media needs to seriously rework what they consider "thin" to be.)

Working in digital media, I've experienced it myself, some random person out of nowhere is jealous or upset that I work with a band they like or have a job they like and writes some mean stuff about me. I once went so far as to ask a blogger to remove slanderous statements about me (and my journalism work) because it was indexing on Google and really unfair considering he didn't know me. Luckily, he did and after talking to me a bit realized we had quite a few things in common. I think we wound up Facebook friends in fact.

I truly believe in karma, meaning what you say and do to others will come back to either bless you or harm you. Pure motives and intentions are extremely important. If you've messed it up with someone (or some institution), right your wrong by other apologizing or changing your behavior going forward - it's the only way to rectify the karma.

Trash talk, gossip and cyber bullying leaves a residue on you. It's easy to see that people who are quick to criticize are often those who are unhappy with themselves. It's unfortunate that women often do this regarding other women. I'm not a saint and have certainly been guilty of this behavior, but for the most part, I abstain from super bitchy behavior. The degree to which I am happy with myself is directly proportional to the degree to which I feel the need to be jealous of others ergo criticize them. So, since I'm pretty happy with myself these days... I don't really get jealous of others that much. Someone will always be fatter, skinnier, smarter, taller (well, everyone is taller than me ;) and that is OK. There is only one me and that's all I have to know.

How amazing would this world be if we practiced random acts of kindness as often as we practiced random acts of judgment? What if people posted praise online more often than rated fashion disasters? What if we told others when they were doing great instead of going out of our way to point out every mistake? What if we left anonymous presents for people instead of anonymous criticism online?

Yesterday I was at Trader Joes and witnessed an amazing thing, a man came in hurriedly and asked the clerk, "Where is the manager? I need to speak to the manager." The clerk pointed out the manager and the man began a beeline to him. The clerk and I then exchanged glances like, "Uh oh..." However, here is what happened, the man said to the manager: "Hey, I just wanted you to know that the guy outside you have directing traffic is doing a great job. I already saw him prevent two car accidents and he's really organized. He's a great employee!" The manager said thank you and then went outside to tell the employee.

I said to the clerk, "Did that man just compliment the parking guy?" The clerk replied equally mystified, "Yeah, he did. That's pretty cool because the parking gig is the worst job ever." He then added, "And you know, today is that parking guy's first day on the job."

How amazing is that? It made my heart swell up. This guy outside who has a truly horrible job where people complain about parking to him all night just got a great compliment from someone his first day on the job. The ripple effect of that went from the manager to the employee to the clerk to myself. I left with a smile on my face.

Your actions make a difference, your words make a difference: use them for good.