savatra...

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Real

2011-12-03T11:35:00.001-08:00

Relationships: 
Easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? 
 Because it's hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. 
You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act... sounding like you sound.  
 When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them.  
You're meeting their representative.  
- Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker

I love this line from Chris Rock's stand up special Bigger and Blacker because it illustrates one 
of  the most common dilemmas in interpersonal relations: the inability to be authentic. Being born 
and raised in Los Angeles, I have been surrounded by people who come here to make it big... as 
well as folks who come from large trust funds and try desperately to separate from that identity to
blue collar peeps like myself who want to be something they're not or ridicule any who have more
than they do. There are, of course... those who are authentic... but getting there can be a process.
 
It's common these days for people to become an arsenal of stories that they rotate, based on occasion,
in order to get approval. These stories place their worth on who that person knows, who they think 
are, what they do for work, what parties they can get into and what stuff they own. 

If you have decent communication skills, it's easy to find almost anything to bond with someone
over in this town ranging from music to shared history. The problem is when we begin to manipulate
who we are in order to get someone to like us better. I see girls do this a lot in dating, they become
so terrified at the thought that some part of them isn't good enough for someone else that they try
to play up half truths i.e. "He's really sporty, I'm not, I'll talk about how I love watching sports and
going to the gym... even though I don't really go that often... but he doesn't have to know." That's
the representative Chris Rock talks about.

Guys do this too. I have a friend who has an answer for everything I say. I can reference the most
obscure band and he'll somehow magically know about them (when I suspect he doesn't at all).
At first I found it odd, then I found it annoying and lately, I just find it sad. It's sad he isn't able to
be real. It's sad he doesn't know how to say, "I don't know who they are." He is so afraid of being
vulnerable that he would just rather lie.

I have a reader who has been struggling in her dating life... I see her posts of sadness over an ex
who she misses. She checks his socials obsessively and spirals into depression. What I want to
say to her is - it's not him, it's you. Wait, what? He isn't making you sad, you are. You have decided
you aren't worth enough and so you're waiting and placing your happiness on someone who isn't
showing up for you. (Ps. I recommend you read the book: If The Buddha Dated: A Handbook For
Finding Love on the Spiritual Path.) 

Here is the secret:
Magic happens when you start doing YOU and living an authentic life. Find what you love and own 
it. Don't apologize for it. I think a lot of books about interpersonal relationships and being successful
somehow suggest that we can trick people into liking us. "Don't answer these calls, don't contact them
first, don't act this way or that... and then this person will love you."

That is inauthentic. 

Here is what does work: Know that you are enough on your very own and become so happy on 
your own that you don't want to let someone into your life unless they compliment it. A bad 
relationship is far worse than no relationship at all. Have boundaries and don't let others walk 
over them. If you want to date and someone just wants to be friends... tell them to peace out if you 
can't handle it (and let's be honest, most friendships where one person has feelings and the
other is "trying to figure it out" just don't work). Own the right to say no and live your life. 


An authentic person goes into dating thinking, "Am I genuinely interested in this person? Do I feel
a spark or do I want to get to know them more to see if a spark is there?"

An inauthentic person goes into it thinking, "Oh, they like me. How can I make sure they keep liking
me. How can I dress / act / talk / buy things to insure they'll like me." 

I want people in my life who are authentic. Individuals who have a spiritual grounding and don't
base their worth on what they do or the money they have. I work around a lot of celebrities in my
line of business and you know what? It could end tomorrow and I'd be the same person. I live a
humble life that has a few moments of glamour and I don't define myself based on the latter. I
define myself on how I care for my family, how I take care of myself and the ability to live based
on my spirit. 

My friend Mike is a great example of this... he went through a rough break up and had some really
dark moments. As a single dad in sketchy economic times, it can be hard to pick up the pieces.
Mike chose to focus on himself. He became a triathlete, focused on being the best dad, started a 
great blog about changing his life and just started doing Mike. It's not surprising to me that as a
result of him essentially "falling in love with Mike," a young woman (and a beautiful food blogger!) 
named Liz reached out to compliment his blog... and one year later, they're now married. If  Liz 
had followed "The Rules" - where you're not supposed to contact a man first - her and Mike 
wouldn't be married right now. Good thing she followed her spirit instead.

The magic happens when you decide to love yourself. If someone isn't calling you? They're not
worth it. You however, are always worth it. Go where the love is. Make this mantra below your credo:
"If you're looking for the love of your life: STOP. They will be waiting for you when you start doing 
things you love."

You Are Worth It and Be Kind

2011-11-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

This is a two parter: 1st part, you are worth it. 2nd part, be gentle with others' hearts.

I read this story months back about a famous young singer who, at one point, wanted to ditch her entire career because of a man she lost. I was simultaneously fascinated/furious with the piece. Here she was, this phenomenal talent whining about some man who clearly did not deserve her attention. My reasoning of course was, "Well, she deserves better and could get any man she wants because she's [insert her name]." Yet, how many of us do the same thing?

I've worked around famous artists for years and seen how mundane their lives can be. How the loneliness and obsession that plague all of us strike them too. I then thought of how I have minimized my own worth at times for men who quite frankly did not deserve me. Why do we do it? Sometimes it's as simple as boredom. Other times, not so simple. The nuances of how we connect to other human beings is intricate. It could be repeating a cycle based off abandonment issues and thinking you're unworthy or... truly connecting with someone who just isn't available. Sometimes we just don't know...

In the end, the only way I know if someone I'm seeing is worth my time... is if they seek my time. If I have to seek them out, it's worthless. It doesn't mean I don't do it at times, I just end up pissed off at myself. If someone cares, they call... or *sigh* at least texts (<-so lazy). When someone likes you they make an effort to see you, to plan things and bottom line: they show up.

Before all of that however, you have to decide you're worth it. Put a premium on your time. I 86'd a guy not too long ago because he had a habit of only asking me out last minute. I never said yes. I finally said, "I told you to give me four days notice, if you can't do that - this won't work." He couldn't, I moved on. Put a premium on yourself. Will you make mistakes? Yes. Will you fall for charming bastards or well-intentioned souls who can't show up? Sometimes. That's life, it's part of the journey. But just keep putting yourself first and it will all work out.

Focusing on my artistic side lately has so connected me to the inner kick ass core of myself. It makes me feel indomitable. But besides the fleeting superhero feelings, here's a secret: when I think I resent someone else for hurting me... the truth is, I resent myself more for putting up with their lazy behavior. Keep on keepin' on and know that you're worth it and you won't have to put up with laziness.

Part 2. Reflection.

OK... so piggy backing on the last idea.

I was digging through old emails today and found some exchanges with an old friend who I miss dearly... one of my soul mates. I thought of the lack of patience I showed him because I was so stuck in my ways. Oftentimes, we feel the need to punish others... especially the ones we care about most... but why? When does teaching someone a lesson ever do anything except give us gratification that we issued an ass whooping.

Here's what I've learned, when it comes to dating and sometimes even close friendship: men... not so good at direct communication. They will rarely say, "I'm not that into you" or "I need to cancel" or "I'm seeing someone else" - they will however lag, reschedule, flake, lie about their plans, say they don't have time for a girlfriend (then get one 30 days later...) and otherwise avoid the subject (sometimes while trying to have their cake and eat it too). As one of my mentors once said, "Tatiana, with men... expecting them to be feeling the same thing you are is like trying to use an ATM card in the 1950s. They're slower creatures when it comes to emotions, be patient and give it time."

A lot of girls blow things up really quickly with potential mates because they can't give it time. We feel the need to rush because we're already emotionally invested. The girls who win in love... are simply the ones who stay cool. The girls who have their own lives going on and can somehow manage to hold their ATM card patiently while they wait for their 1950s man to get to the new millennium... or at least the 80s. Crazy making, doesn't work. Damn.

This isn't a bash men section though... the point of this section is to say: be kind and gentle with the hearts of others, even those who disappoint you. Remember everyone has feelings... even men who act like they don't. When we get caught up in the whirlwind of what's "fair" and how "things should be," we often end up throwing the kitchen sink at people and really hurting them. In looking over my old emails with A., I realized we're not friends today because my need to be right won out over my need to remember he had feelings. It's been a few years and he still won't talk to me. Maybe he never will. I don't know... but it's made me determined to never hurt someone like that again.

It doesn't mean that practicing patience and unconditional love with friends or dates or boyfriends will get you your way.

I dated someone last Christmas who was lovely for about a week... and then it became obvious it wasn't going to work out between us. I liked him a lot and was disappointed... but I just practiced unconditional love and told him he could do his thing. What happened was, I let him go, he left and I harbored no ill will. In a short amount of time, I realized it was all for the best. He treats me with adoration when he sees me and I'm happy we're on good terms. This week, I was walking through this outdoor shopping mall where he and I spent last Christmas under fake snow and twinkling lights. It made me smile. It was one of the best Christmas nights of my entire life. He gave me that. Maybe that's all he was supposed to give me.

Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Struggle within yourself to accept them and let them be. It is not easy but it is a necessity... and definitely worth it. Nature abhors a vaccuum... so once we let go, it will often flood us with so much love from so many other directions that you will wonder why you never let go in the first place...

Also, a lot of times we hold on to something so tightly not realizing that something else so much better is waiting for us just on the horizon.

Feel The Fear, Do It Anyway

2011-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

When I was younger (late teens/early twenties), I made a lot of decisions (a lot) with a luxurious sense of reckless abandon. Drop out of school? No problem. Move to London? Why not. Tour across country in a band in the middle of July in a van with no air conditioning? Sign me up. I didn't really think of silly things like "implications", I just sort of jumped through whatever rabbit hole presented itself. Part of this was motivated by an underlying sense of curious mischief but another more significant part was being anchored by a desire to not be like my folks.

My dad was the guy who never took sick days or vacations. He played it safe, worked hard and made a little money go a long way. It was pretty much a miracle. However, as I've written here before, he also missed the opportunity to pursue a lot of his dreams. This fact was not lost on me and as I fumbled my way through my adult life, I determined I would not fall into that trap. Somehow, I managed to stick to that. Sometimes I took too many risks, but I don't regret them.

A lot of people I know however, haven't. I don't judge, I think it's honestly a miracle that I've been fortunate to turn my "pipe dreams" into reality somehow. I think the adage, "Do what you love and the money will follow" has turned out to be 100% true in my life. I remember taking a 15k pay cut when I was in my late twenties because I knew I had to leave a job that just wasn't a fit. The CEO was a genius (and also, my age) who gave me a big opportunity and I had to go to him and say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I have to follow my dream and I can't follow yours right now." He respected my decision. So, what was my dream? To work in music again.

If there's one thing that has been the common thread hewn throughout the narrative of my life, it is music. Having the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand" on 7" at age five, starting piano lessons at age seven (and playing ever since), hearing the Cocteau Twins and Morrissey at 12... all these things led to my many years songwriting, working as a music journalist, utilizing my inner geek to transition into the digital marketing side of music and ultimately, deciding that my life would be devoted to this subject.

The road hasn't been easy. There were plenty of times when I thought, "How the hell is this going to work out?" I had one year that was nothing but solid music company lay offs, start up failures and editors who lost their jobs (which meant I lost assignments). However, in the end, I just kept chasing the sound and somehow, always landed on my feet.

The older we get, the harder it becomes to pursue our dreams. I don't just mean professionally either, a lot of people stay in dead relationships for far too long or settle for mediocre ones because of fear. On the same token, many people run from unconditional love and true intimacy for stupid reasons that range from blaming stuff on their parents to astrology. Whether it's being stuck in a body you no longer recognize or a relationship you can't stand, it's all the same fear. Whether it's the discomfort of taking the leap into the entrepreneurial unknown or the similar leap into the arms of someone who actually treats you well, it's - all - the - same - fear.

Fear is just an excuse to limit ourselves and keep us stuck. You will always know how your life will end up if you stay with the fear, but you will never know how good it could get until you use faith.

I distinctly remember the fear I felt when I moved to London at 19. I had no job there, a student work visa and about $800. On the flight over, it dawned on me that I hadn't really thought this "move to another country" thing through. All I knew of England was people had accents, drank tea, the weather was grey and the Cocteau Twins lived there. My introduction to London was rough. My first few months had many ups and many downs, but I learned so much about myself (I don't enjoy raves, for instance). After losing my job and my flat in London in the same week, I wound up moving to Brighton and falling in love with the city. Had I not lost my job or my flat, I would have never made it there. Brighton is one of the most special places on earth to me for so many personal reasons and had I bothered with my fear before I hopped on that plane or played it safe in London... I would have never known.

I also happened to get a job at the first Internet cafe in London in 1997 which is kind of coincidental now that I work in the digital space.

I am an eternal optimist in that I feel it is never too late to change. Before my dad died, he was about to change his diet - which was a miracle to me. My mom recently did and her stage 4 cancer has stabilized as a result. Humans are capable of amazing change at any point in the game, they just have to be willing to take the step. Grace will always meet you as you begin your journey as long as your motives are pure. You just have to put the wheels in motion.

Go with your gut not with your fear...

...and trust those people who know how to kick your ass when you don't know the difference. "Feelings aren't facts" - a lot of times are feelings our just masks for our fear and it takes listening to sound counsel from good friends to help us realize it. Don't be so stubborn that you miss out on your life.

Believe in the power of your dreams. It is never too late to have the life you've imagined.

Messages From The Beyond...

2011-09-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

I never really believed in the whole people from the beyond being with you or sending messages from the beyond until my dad died. It was really very odd. The synchronicities and peculiar mysteries began cropping up all over.

I used to call my dad "Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor" because he always had some home improvement project going that would always go haywire and take forever to finish. His last project before he died was the guest bathroom in our house. It was the bathroom my brother and I used. He had finally finished it and then started taking apart the master bathroom. After he passed suddenly, numerous problems began mysteriously happening in the guest bathroom. My brother and I both thought "What is going on? This is not normal" and took it as some weird sign that he was trying to get our attention and wanted us to know he was still there.

From then on, as weird as it is, whenever something has gone wrong in a bathroom I have, I think of my dad. Sometimes I even start to talking to him. In the last house I lived in, my bathroom light would flicker on and off intermittently and it wasn't uncommon for me to say, "Ok Dad, what do you want... here's what's new with me..." only to have the light finally come on.

I say all of this because I had a dream the other night that didn't seem like much at first... but once I began taking it apart I realized it was another message from him.

In my dream, the toilet in the guest bathroom was mysteriously tilted on an angle. I remember looking at it and, being the true perfectionist that I am, felt immensely perturbed. I thought, "Ugh, why is it like that?! It needs to be fixed. It needs to be straight." So I tugged and pulled at the toilet until it was finally straightened out. As I got it into the perfect angle, water began gushing uncontrollably from the toilet and from different faucets all over the house. My dad ran in the bathroom and yelled, "What are you doing?!" I said, "I'm sorry! I was trying to fix it! I didn't know!" He then janked it on angle once again, the gushing stopped and I began looking for a number to call to get it properly fixed.

The glaring metaphor inherent in this dream was not obvious at first to me, but when I put it down in ink, I saw it.

How often in life do we think, "It needs to be THIS way! I know it has to be like this!" and we tug and we pull in order to align things according to our idea of what is right. Except, once we get what we want we realize that we have created a bigger mess. Unbeknownst to us, in the crooked mess of our life, a plan was in place that protected us. A plan that was sparing us from a bigger mess. However, our obsession with having it our way, led us into pain and trouble.

Being a theist, I think it can be a metaphor for God and/or the Universe telling us, "Let things be, accept them and I'll let you know when it's your time to take action." If you're an atheist, the metaphor still works. The idea of "going with the flow" is universal. Anytime, we go against the flow, whether in a relationship or in a pursuit of a certain career goal or object, it feels like wading through mud. Going against the flow is a struggle, it is painful and feels downright icky because it's so much damn work. However going with the flow, is no work at all. It's those magical relationships, the jobs that fall into your lap, that person thinking of you at the exact same time you reach out. When you are in a place of acceptance for where you are, things tend to flow easier.

I stay present these days more than I ever have. I am so profoundly grateful to be alive and for all the little things I see each day from butterflies to stray dogs to the homeless man who lies on his side near the bridge by my house quietly reading every day. I wonder how many cars pass by him and never see him. I always wonder what he's reading.

I guess the message here is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it... and if it's kind of crooked, it might be just the way it's supposed to be as well.

You can thank my dad for this one.

my parents at their engagement party. 1976.

Falling Down Rabbit Holes to Happiness

2011-09-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me earlier this week about what my goals were or where my passion lied. It's honestly a really tough question for me to answer because I don't set concrete goals like, "I want to be a president of XYZ one day" or what have you. It's all a nebulous pastiche of knowing what I like... going toward that, knowing what I don't like... moving away from that and seeing where it leads.

My entire career is based on this. I never intended to be a rock journalist. Heck, I never intended to pursue journalism when I first started university. My then best friend noticed I liked writing and when I couldn't decide between history, philosophy, English or journalism told me to go with the latter. I did and then realized I only really liked writing about music or fashion. I had a passion for it which means: I would do it for free, I would take super crappy internships and wait to get assigned awesome stories. As I did, one thing led to another and my career progressed.

Somewhere along the way, I realized I had no desire to really ascend to much of anything in journalism though. Most true rock journos ache to get in the book publishing circuit and land some pieces in prime publications. As my career was winding down, I published a few things online for Rolling Stone and realized... "Eh, I don't really care about doing this full time."

Simultaneously, my natural curiosity with tech was growing. I worked at the first internet cafe in London in 1997. I was an early adopter to social sites. I was always online "wasting time" with photo editing or something. And, as one thing led to another, I fell down that rabbit hole. As with journalism, I had a passion for it and I was good at it. One thing led to another, as if by magic, and it has been my career for five years now.

My future "goals" look something like this: I hope to do something with my music but it doesn't need to be my career. I plan to continue in the tech world as long as it interests me or as long as doors keep opening. I plan to publish a book or two. I would love to get into counseling of some kind. I would love to volunteer at a senior citizen's home because I think this country is so lousy to the elderly. I think adoption is rad because so many kids right here in the U.S. are stuck in a janky foster care system. I plan to become a gourmet level cook with a fitness competitor body (it's possible, trust me). And, I want to do more public speaking on both tech and mind/body stuff since talking comes natural (if you know me, you'll chuckle at that). But honestly, the truth of the matter is, I have so many pursuits I love that I just stay simultaneously active and open knowing that another path may open.

But all I really want to do is keep falling down rabbit holes that interest me and be of service while doing so. I want to make a maximum difference in my time here. Truly.

In the end, all the "stuff" and titles and salary is pretty much useless if your life is spent in a selfish pursuit of outward stuff. However, if your heart is service-oriented, the stuff and the titles and the salary can be a vehicle to bless the lives of others and make a powerful difference through philanthropy.

My career has run the gamut from being lame to impressive to lame again to impressive again etc. etc. To be quite honest, I don't really care much these days. My ego is no longer based on whether or not I can get on that list, into that party, in that meeting or what have you. It doesn't mean I'm not ambitious and goal driven, I am and will fight fiercely when I am going after something. However, there's a difference between ambition and ego-driven behavior. I don't really have the latter anymore... meaning I don't have all the answers.

I know I'm taken care of today. I like where I'm at today. I hope I get to do more of what I like in the future and I hope a whole bunch of people are blessed by it. I know how to lead but I don't need to control... everything tends to figure itself out in the long run anyway.

What are your rabbit holes? What would you do for free because you love it so much? Don't limit yourself to thinking you can't make a living (and a good one) doing what you love - because you can. I do. It hasn't always been easy, but it's always been worth it.

xx

Practice Random Acts of Kindness: Physically and Digitally

2011-08-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

(This one starts off on a downer note but ends with a happy note so stick around for the pay off ;)

We live in a day and age where it seems more people practice random acts of judgment and criticism than random acts of kindness. It truly makes me sad. For instance, one of the artists on the label I work for was teased online for being overweight by a mean-spirited person. It truly upset the young lady who read these words about her. She's battled an eating disorder and gets rewarded by taunts from some anonymous person in the cyber sphere? (By the way, she is nowhere near overweight and our society/media needs to seriously rework what they consider "thin" to be.)

Working in digital media, I've experienced it myself, some random person out of nowhere is jealous or upset that I work with a band they like or have a job they like and writes some mean stuff about me. I once went so far as to ask a blogger to remove slanderous statements about me (and my journalism work) because it was indexing on Google and really unfair considering he didn't know me. Luckily, he did and after talking to me a bit realized we had quite a few things in common. I think we wound up Facebook friends in fact.

I truly believe in karma, meaning what you say and do to others will come back to either bless you or harm you. Pure motives and intentions are extremely important. If you've messed it up with someone (or some institution), right your wrong by other apologizing or changing your behavior going forward - it's the only way to rectify the karma.

Trash talk, gossip and cyber bullying leaves a residue on you. It's easy to see that people who are quick to criticize are often those who are unhappy with themselves. It's unfortunate that women often do this regarding other women. I'm not a saint and have certainly been guilty of this behavior, but for the most part, I abstain from super bitchy behavior. The degree to which I am happy with myself is directly proportional to the degree to which I feel the need to be jealous of others ergo criticize them. So, since I'm pretty happy with myself these days... I don't really get jealous of others that much. Someone will always be fatter, skinnier, smarter, taller (well, everyone is taller than me ;) and that is OK. There is only one me and that's all I have to know.

How amazing would this world be if we practiced random acts of kindness as often as we practiced random acts of judgment? What if people posted praise online more often than rated fashion disasters? What if we told others when they were doing great instead of going out of our way to point out every mistake? What if we left anonymous presents for people instead of anonymous criticism online?

Yesterday I was at Trader Joes and witnessed an amazing thing, a man came in hurriedly and asked the clerk, "Where is the manager? I need to speak to the manager." The clerk pointed out the manager and the man began a beeline to him. The clerk and I then exchanged glances like, "Uh oh..." However, here is what happened, the man said to the manager: "Hey, I just wanted you to know that the guy outside you have directing traffic is doing a great job. I already saw him prevent two car accidents and he's really organized. He's a great employee!" The manager said thank you and then went outside to tell the employee.

I said to the clerk, "Did that man just compliment the parking guy?" The clerk replied equally mystified, "Yeah, he did. That's pretty cool because the parking gig is the worst job ever." He then added, "And you know, today is that parking guy's first day on the job."

How amazing is that? It made my heart swell up. This guy outside who has a truly horrible job where people complain about parking to him all night just got a great compliment from someone his first day on the job. The ripple effect of that went from the manager to the employee to the clerk to myself. I left with a smile on my face.

Your actions make a difference, your words make a difference: use them for good.

The Most Important Word Is Maybe

2011-08-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

The most important word to me lately is "maybe." With the rapid nature in which things change due to my mother's illness, I find that I stay present far more than I used to. If you're constantly worrying about the future, you have too much time on your hands. When life gets very real and very heavy, you don't have time to worry much about the future. Everything becomes a maybe. Is this going to get worse? Maybe. Is this going to get better? Maybe.

And yet in that one word, all freedom lies. How often do we waste time thinking thinking thinking about things that never end up quite like we thought they would anyhow? When your mundane life intersects with a quality problem like terminal illness, national disaster etc., you suddenly realize how many trivial things waste your time. You also realize how many of your friends are stuck in circular reasoning patterns that don't help them at all.

The fact is, the answer to almost any question you're wondering about right now is: possibly maybe. Is this guy going to be the one? Maybe. Maybe not. Is this job the right place for me? Maybe. Maybe not. Should I go on a diet? Maybe. Maybe not. You don't get to know the yes or no until the Universe (or God or whatever you call your higher power) decides to let you know so stop being a control freak and learn to live in the maybe. The maybe is where happiness lives.

The serenity prayer is all about the maybe: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

If you're stuck in the maybe, your choice is either action or acceptance. The "wisdom to know the difference" is where you figure out which choice it is. I find leaning on a power greater than myself when I'm stuck in the maybe helps a lot.

Meditation helps also but when you're living in the maybe, life sort of feels like meditation all day long. I seem to have more peace and serenity than ever before, if not only for the fact that I don't have time to be worrying about stupid stuff all day long. I'm forced to take things one moment at a time since they are changing so rapidly.

Another thing that has helped me is to trust that whatever decision I do make will be the right one. If it's not, I'll course correct. Trusting myself and my choices is a way better option than doing nothing at all when faced with a situation that clearly demands action.

So to sum up:

1. Embrace the maybe

2. Pray for the wisdom to know if you should act or accept the situation as it is

3. Trust that your decisions will be good ones or...

4. Stop whining

Actually, you should probably just stop whining regardless. :)

Love Is Stronger Than Death

2011-08-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

I've been delaying writing this entry for a few weeks. Normally, any time a crisis presents itself in my life, this was the first place I'd come but not this time. It's been difficult to string the words together to admit the truth that is: my mother is dying. We found out a little over a month ago that her breast cancer had returned and spread to her lungs and liver (ie. stage IV terminal breast cancer). The exhausting journey through oncologists, estate planning, funeral planning, insurance wrangling then began...

I heard a man with cancer once say, "We're all going to die, God just decided to let me know when." That is true.

I really didn't expect it to be my "turn in the barrel" yet again after losing my father (and grandmother and a friend) in 2008 but here we are. My first thoughts were the usual... "I'm going to be an orphan... no one will be at my wedding..." type of fare. I didn't dwell on it, self-pity isn't attractive and although the pain is uncomfortable, there are many others with plights far worse than mine.

People like to make a lot of recommendations when they find out someone you know has terminal cancer. For the record, I would kindly suggest refraining from providing every alternative method you know of to someone else unless you've seen it actually cure someone you know personally and not just read it on a website. It just gets overwhelming as a caregiver to be bombarded by these type of suggestions. It's also difficult to deal with acquaintances I see daily asking me on a repeated basis, "How's your mom?" She is dying - ie. she will most likely not be improving and I do not want to talk about that every day with people. I have a generous support system around me of friends, certain coworkers and people I feel comfortable discussing it with. If you're not someone I call in crisis, I probably don't want to discuss it. It's like opening a wound 50 times a day. The worst is when the individual asking me tempers their question with a sad face on the end as if they anticipate my miserable response...

Here's the truth of the matter: I am not miserable. Death is a natural part of life, we will ALL die and that is no illusion to me. While I do think it's crummy that my mom's time has been cut short, I am in acceptance. I can not change the fact that she has terminal cancer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I know the difference and I have the serenity. I can not change this reality, so all I can do is love and be of service to her so she can walk through these final months or years (doctors can't tell if she has six months or 2 years) without fear.

I don't want people feeling sorry for me because this is not about me. I am alive and currently healthy. This is my mother's story and all good will and kind thoughts should go to her. All I need is some extra herbal tea, maybe some free massages and bath salts. ;)

The loss of a parent is a giant one, I have experienced it suddenly (with my father's heart attack) and am now watching the gradual process with my mother. It definitely puts you in a state of existential overload and makes you reassess your life choices. I believe it's important to try and walk the path with grace and without drama. It's important to know you are still able to enjoy your life as well. I am taking care of all my mother's affairs to the best of my ability, but I am also taking care of myself, having fun with friends, working on creative pursuits and baking incessantly. Taking care of one's self is not selfish - it's that metaphor of "you must put the oxygen mask over your face first before you can give it to the child beside you."

I think one of my parents' grave errors in life was that they never did this. They gave so much to work or others and didn't take time for vacation or being good to themselves. They're both people who love to give. I am sad that my father never got to go to Australia as he always dreamed. I am sad that my mother will most likely not be able to see her family in Brazil again. I wish I had more so I could give more to my mother to ease all her worries but for now, I do what I can.

We laugh a lot lately. She says funny things in her thick Brazilian accent like, "I told Jesus that when I get to heaven and go to the supper of the Lamb... I like Chinese food and Mexican food." She's also super into Pinkberry, it's pretty much one of the only things that she looks forward to. It's funny and cute. Being a super health nut, I'm aware it's not the healthiest choice on earth but, we're in "Have whatever you want" mode at this point. :)

My mother's faith has given her a sense of strength during all of this and for that I am thankful. Meanwhile I've been reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, it is a phenomenal book on a spiritual, existential way of looking at death. It operates from the premise that so many people pretend death will never come, only to be shocked when it does and how Buddhists and Christians are a bit better prepared since they believe in an after life. It provides gentle ways to be of service to someone who is dying and points out that death and dying are one of the most intensely spiritual times in a person's life.

For myself, I am learning that I am infinitely stronger than I ever thought I could be. There are so many things in life I thought I could never do on my own, I always thought I would need my dad or a boyfriend or a professional to handle it for me. The truth of the matter is, I can do a whole lot more than I ever knew. It was never my goal to be some super independent woman but the nature of my life has set it up that way. I have been forced to adapt quickly, learn fast and get into action... and it turns out that I'm pretty good at it. It doesn't mean it's comfortable, but I am at peace. Truly. I suppose that's the best gift one could ask for.

My pretty mom, Maria... (taken a few weeks ago)

Change Series: Nurture in Nature / Mindfulness in a Digital Age

2011-06-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

I recently spent a weekend at my favorite recharging spot, Mt. Calvary Monastery at St. Mary's Retreat House. I feel it's really important to take relaxation trips that involve silence, no technology and the outdoors every six months at least. The nature of my work/life is such that often I can only do a three-day weekend but three days of hiking, reading and rest is enough to jump start you.

Here is one of the small things I learned and re-learned this weekend (along with my photos): Connecting with nature has a great way of settling our soul and perhaps even increasing your intelligence. In his 2005 book The Nature Principle, Author Richard Louv introduced the idea of the "Nature-Deficit Disorder." In a recent excerpt published in Outside magazine, this idea is explored. It's summed up in this quotation: "Electronic immersion without a force to balance creates a hole in the boat, draining our ability to pay attention, think clearly, be productive and creative."

A lot of Americans simply don't practice self-care. In fact, when they go on vacation they bring so many electronic devices it's like they never left the office. Louv argues that it is important in the digital age to cultivate the "hybrid mind." That is, "[the] ultimate multitasking is to live simultaneously in both the digital and physical worlds, using computers to maximize our powers to process intellectual data and natural environments to ignite our senses and accelerate our ability to learn and feel." He points out that Albert Einstein and mathematician/philosopher Kurt Godel seemed to agree with this as they took daily walks in the woods.

Wandering the woods and the rose gardens around Mount Calvary, I was reminded of how nature has a way of sparking our curiousity. I work in digital marketing, a field where curiousity and innovation is paramount to successful campaigns. Often, people in this space find ideas simply by co-opting someone else's campaign and finding a way to utilize that technology or plan for themself. That is definitely fine but it's also amazing to go and explore and become inspired through the intricate systems and webs of natural information in our own backyard.

One way we do this is through meditation, including walking meditation. Simply being present and not on your phone (or iPod) as you wander through nature is a wonderful form of meditation. I read that comedian Russell Brand said he once came up with what he considered to be a million dollar business idea while sitting in transcendental meditation. I don't think the form of meditation we practice is as big a deal as just taking the time to slow down. I know for myself, it takes about a solid eight hours of disconnect from work and technological devices for me to feel truly off the grid. When I'm in this space, I feel happier, my mental faculties seem to be firing on all cylinders and I'm ready to participate in my life at full capacity because I've recharged my engines.

One topic that is really dear to my heart is increasing mindfulness amid a digital age. We live in an age of simultaneous interconnect and disconnect. We create worldwide trending topics on Twitter about natural disasters as a way of showing sympathy and raise awareness to causes through Facebook statuses... and yet oftentimes, don't do anything in the real world to affect change. (Coincidentally, this phenomenon is known as "slacktivism.") It is not enough to see the real world, such as a concert, through the screen of our phones held up at the show. We need to feel the music pulse through us, participate fully in the world around us and utilize the tools we have to help us capture certain moments while not allowing them to rob the moment from us.

In the same way television often has a way of luring us from our own lives to watch others, our technological devices can lure us from nature while we reblog beautiful photos of other people's travel journeys on Tumblr.

Let us commit to living harmoniously with technology and embracing the nature all around us - instead of letting it drain our own personal battery source. Here's another interesting argument for it: nature might actually make you smarter. In a study from Sage Colleges in New York, Louv pointed out that there is a bacterium called M. Vaccae that when ingested (generally while in nature) helped mice navigate a maze twice as fast for several weeks. When we are in nature, we ingest it as well, which leads researchers to believe that nature actually makes us smarter.

"Creative genius is not the accumulation of knowledge; it's the ability to see patterns in the universe, to detect hidden links between what is and what could be." - Richard Louv

Change (Body) Series: Don't Give Up, Get Angry

2011-06-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Don't mess with me buddy, I will knock you out.

This entry will be two fold: what's up and where I'm at with my Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 challenge.

So - what's up.

Had a bit of a FML weekend. Got locked out of my place and had to pay $200 to get back in, had a bee trapped in my place and sorta freaked, dented my car and someone I thought was cool turned out to be a bit of a jerk. Boo hoo.

That, my friends, is a Molotov cocktail for a pity party and ice cream, right? I had a laugh when I told the lady at Trader Joes I had a frustrating weekend and she said, "I'm surprised your basket isn't full of alcohol!" It was full of fruit, vegetables, fish, soy meat and spaghetti-o's. Oh yeah, I acted out by watching an Ethan Hawke movie and eating a full can of spaghetti-o's. ;) Let me tell you, it's a lot less calories than ice cream, booze and chain smoking your blues away.

My motto is this: I ain't gettin' fat because you dropped the ball. I ain't getting fat because life happens. Oh no, I am getting angry and I am getting fit and I am moving on up to bigger and better things because I deserve it.

Print that out and put it on your wall.

I got locked out because I haven't been meditating enough and wasn't mindful. The bee, well, I dunno, that took care of itself. The dent, once again, not mindful so that's on me. The jerk? Well, I am not responsible for where someone doesn't have the ability to use direct communication or not be shady but I am responsible for the fact that I didn't set down some ninja boundaries.

My friend Carlo once told me, "Frustration is the catalyst to progress" and that is 100% true. Crappy boyfriends inspire us to leave and get better ones (because there's only so long you can lag in mediocrity). Crappy situations at work inspire us to get better jobs. Crappy eating and gaining weight inspires us to work harder to lose it and feel better about ourselves. When you don't get what you want you're being given a great opportunity - because now you know exactly what you do want so you can focus on that.

Oh hey, check it out, I have quad muscles again.

OK so next: Where I'm at.

Continuing the FML theme, I did something kiiiiind of dumb and that is, left my Jillian Michaels DVD out of its case and simultaneously tested new perfume. Do you see where I'm going with this? Yeah. The old me would have been like, "Oh well, the DVD is busted... that's a sign not to work out." The new me is like, "Dang. I have to order another one, see what tools of hers I can finagle online, throw on a different DVD and get my work out in."

I opted to do a 15-minute walk, 10-minute cardio burst from my Tone With Ten DVD, an intensive 5-minute interval training from the free site BodyRock.TV (which is a free home workout movement starring this girl Zuzana whose abs will make you cry - the site is kinda heavy on marketing but just ignore, and do the workouts) and then strength training from what I remember of Jillian's week 3 work out (like duck walk, low crawl with knee above ground, stork flys etc.).

By week 3 of Ripped in 30, I was a lot less antsy about plank variations. I got a lot stronger and it seemed almost easier than the first two weeks. For whatever reason, I only manage to get 3 workouts of hers in a week. My 4th or 5th is always dance or outside cardio. I had planned to do week 4 twice - aiming for 4-5 sessions this week and 5-6 the week after but that might be delayed a few days. Nonetheless, I'm going to try and work out at least 30 minutes every day for the next 2 weeks. Even if you're just doing yoga, it's worth it.

My main trip up is diet and water. I don't have much to lose so if I don't drink enough water or if I eat a salt meal, I'll bump up a pound or two overnight. I can also lose it over night but to keep it consistent, I have to be consistent. My weak spot is sweets and carbs. Oh, how I love thee. I find that when I use My Fitness Pal app or site, I stay on track more. I also find that on days I start to blow it, I don't want to log my eating. Ha! But that's good to know, right? The more conscious we become of our bad habits, then we develop the power to change them. I also know, if I open the cracker, chip or cookie jar, I will never have just one. I can do it with chocolate (because I don't like it that much) but I can't do it with crackers.

I think a cheat meal once or twice a week is fine, you just gotta be careful not to make it a cheat day. For me, diet is the culprit. If I stay focused on the vision of how I want to look, that helps me to choose the right foods. If I eat emotionally, I sort of go off the rails. I guess this is where spirit comes in - I think it's really important to meditate and visualize how you want to look. I had this weird intuitive flash about four months ago, where I saw myself in a certain dress (that I didn't own), in killer shape and with my hair in a sharp pony tail. I'm in a lot better shape now than I was then... and I wound up finding the dress. I'm still tripping out that my abs have changed as much as they have and my quads are absolutely bumpin'. I may still have work to do... but I'm inspired from the results I've seen after putting the work in for months.

So, for now, I gotta replace my Jillian DVD (probably Thursday) but I will be making all my meals for work and dinner and doing other DVDs. Obstacles don't deter us, they give us an opportunity to get angry and get motivated.

Ps. Since I'm not getting my Jillian Michaels workout in today, I googled some interviews of her. This one is on how to cut ab fat. It's what we already knew, right? Diet. I like it.

Get angry. Get motivated.

Change Series: Change Your Body Change Your Life

2011-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

So, if you've followed my blog long enough you'll know I'm a big fan of change and challenges. I love goal-oriented tasks.

My new challenge is Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30. A thirty day work out program to get you toned.

My previous challenges included: Kathy Freston's Quantum Wellness Cleanse for 21 days which was a no caffeine, no sugar, no meat, no dairy, no gluten cleanse. I thought it was pretty easy but no sugar was tough. I did drink black tea because I figured "progress not perfection."

And before I get into today's post, that's the first tip to keep in mind. Oftentimes we set ourselves up for failure because of this stupid notion that if you can't do it perfect, you give up. No, if you give up, then you fail. If you can't do it perfectly, you do your best and when you do your best, you get results. If you're doing a 21-day cleanse and blow a day? Get back on the horse the next day.

In April, I did the 28-day Soul Coaching program that was an internal and external spring cleaning for your life. I believe a lot of our health problems have emotional roots and when you uncover that hidden baggage you're often able to achieve more results in your fitness and professional pursuits. (Not to mention, your interpersonal relationships.) All this prologue leads me to my subject today...

Bodies! Weee. Such a fun topic... especially if you're a girl. I've run the gambit in this arena from being a pixie 97 lb. ballet-dancing freshman in high school to a 130 lb. "Guess who discovered the waffle maker" university student. (Those two eras can be summed up thusly: anorexia and emotional overeating.) Around age 22, I had a mental shift and decided I didn't want to be overweight. I honestly can't explain what I did except for mentally say, "I'm over it." I dropped to 108 lbs. and for the past decade I've been around 104 - 108 which is very normal for someone of my height: 5 feet. (Ps. Girls, don't ever starve yourself, it gives you a horrible extra layer of fat on your stomach - like starving kids in Africa - literally. It's a tell tale sign of anorexia that stays with you long after you recover. Biggest regret of mine.)

Now, while I am thin, I have not always been fit. Kudos to the trainer I dated who once told me "You're the most unfit person I've ever met." Classy. But hey, he was kind of right, I suck at cardio and I hate working out. What I hate even more however is being told I can't do something or am not good at something. It makes me angry and when I get angry, I get real motivated to prove you wrong.

I've always admire fitness models and the girls in Oxygen magazine. I don't want to look like a skinny actress. I've interviewed beautiful girls like Megan Fox in person before and quite frankly, that physique is not my cup of tea. I want to be strong and I want a six pack. The downside is, to make lasting changes you have to sweat and commit to sweat. Three months ago, I started this process and it hasn't been easy but the results are worth it.

I got a BMI scale last year so I could track my hydration levels and body fat percentage. (I hadn't actually weighted myself in years because I could care less but I did want to know my body fat.) When I started this process, I was 105.6. Since then, I've leaned out to 103.4 lbs. I drink 8 cups of water a day. I drink ZERO coffee, only tea. (I also don't drink alcohol or smoke...) I allow myself two blow out meals a week without stressing. The rest of the time I eat a clean diet of 1200 calories a day if I'm not working out, 1500 if I am. (I use the app/site MyFitnessPal to calculate this number, if you're taller you'll get to eat more, lucky you.)

Best of all my fellow cardio-phobe-lazy-penny-pinching peeps? I did it at home. I don't have a gym membership. I own a lot of DVDs (and I don't even own a TV or DVD player, I use my laptop). I do them 4-5 x's a week and then on weekends I try to take 1 dance class or hike. I didn't see results right away since I didn't have much to lose but I did notice I was getting stronger. I still have work to do but a little over a week ago, when I started Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30 program it bumped me over my plateau.

I'm pretty sure it's because unlike my other DVDs, Jillian forces you to do cardio. If you're in the "I only need to lose 2-5 lbs." category, the only way to go is cutting refined sugar, starches and make cardio your friend. Strength training, pilates, circuit training are all fun but if you're not throwing some cardio in and burning fat, you build muscle on top of fat. I know because I did this for years.

Personally, I think the biggest keys are no. 1. Change your diet. There's a lot of overweight people who work out way more than I do but never get thin. You know why? We don't eat the same. I don't order Frappuccinos, I don't buy crappy processed foods, I don't tell myself "I deserve that" cupcake at the Memorial Day barbecue. I had my soy ice cream topped with banana, peanut butter and dark chocolate instead. Still a junky treat but less damage than a cupcake.

2. Decide you're worth it. A lot of us hover really close to our goals without reaching them or stay so far away we're sure they're not possible. YOU have to decide for yourself that you are worth it. The pizza is not worth it. When people rub in my face that they're going to eat a hamburger, I think, "Enjoy, I'll look great in my bikini this summer." Even if they're thinner, my heart is healthier. I am a normal 33-year-old girl and not a model, meaning: I have cellulite, I have wrinkles, it is rude and it is crappy but I am determined to do the most with what I have. People always say to me, "You're so tiny!" Part of it is my bird-size genetics but the other part is I don't eat like 98% of Americans. I know this, because I weighed almost 30 lbs. more than I do now at one point. All I remember of that era is eating four to five bowls of cereal at a time, a lot of Taco Bell and a lot of drinking. Strangely, I am known now for how much I love to bake... the catch is, I don't eat all the cupcakes. ;)

Rule 3. People won't always be happy when you succeed so don't look to those folks for support. I have a wonderful ex-boyfriend who was a former fitness professional/model and he told me many years ago when I was struggling, "People will tell you you're getting too thin or you have nothing to worry about, but usually, it's to make themselves feel better about that next slice of cake." I don't want to be an emaciated runway model, I want toned abs and my booty high in the sky. The world doesn't need another skinny-fat American girl at the beach.

Whatever your fitness goals are, whether it's 5, 10, 20 or 50 lbs. Clipping out pictures of toned people on a beach won't get you thin, you have to uncover why you're overeating. You have to decide your goals are worth it and you are worth it. 86 your excuses. You have to change your diet and accept that for the first couple of weeks you'll be cranky - but it will pass. You have to commit to the fact that you will have to sweat and it will take work - but it will be worth it. You have to be consistent. But not once, do you have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up with determination. I love when Jillian Michaels says, "Perfect sucks. Perfect is boring" in her DVD because that's the truth. I am not doing this perfectly, some nights I bail on my routine but I pick it up the next day. Some days, I eat a cupcake for lunch - but then I make up for it with a salad for dinner and a work out. But, I keep on going.

Ps. The last rule, don't take health and fitness advice from anyone whose life/body/figure you do not admire. I hear a lot of people who are unhealthy talk like fitness experts. Sorry, I'm gonna trust people like Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels over that friend of a friend who is totally out of shape. OH, and you can trust my friend Mike's blog - because he does this deal for real and has 8-pack abs. It's pretty ridiculous.

My tools:

To get a nutrition plan going, I recommend Jackie Warner's book below. She lays out a really awesome plan that gives you two blow out meals a week. So there, you still get your pizza and cupcake. Ana Caban's abs routine is the best abs DVD I've ever tried. My favorite all-around circuit training DVD is Physique 57 (same idea as Pop Physique, Bar Method etc.). And in my opinion, the best all around work out with cardio included is Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30. All you need for these is a yoga mat and handweights (I only use 2lbs. but in my defense, I work my arms sufficiently doing 10-20 legit push ups - no knees). The Physique kit comes with a medicine ball.

Set a goal, work toward it. You can do it.

Spring Clean Your Life Inside and Out

2011-05-03T07:59:00.001-07:00

I recently completed Denise Linn's internal spring cleaning program detailed in the book: Soul Coaching: 28 Days to Discover Your Authentic Self. The book was recommended to me by a friend and the odd thing was I had never heard of it. I say that because as someone who has copiously studied metaphysics for five years and read hundreds of books, it's very rarely that I hear of a book that has slipped through my radar.

I really enjoyed Linn's book, in particular because it is very easy for anyone at any level of spiritual involvement to do. She has broken the book down into four parts based on the four elements: air, water, fire, metal. These correspond with our thoughts, emotions, body, spirit. Each day is simply a one page entry you read then a list of three challenges. If you're pressed for time, you can do the easy challenge. If you are willing to commit a bit more time, you can do more exhaustive tasks.

Here are some of the things I did through the process of reading and participating in her book: cleaned out all my junk drawers (I never knew how much joy a neat junk drawer could bring!), donated all my old clothes, worked out almost every day for 28 days, increased my meditation time from 10 to 15 minutes daily, started drinking more water (I'm a caffeine addict :/ ), journaled out goals for the future, values and best of all, began developing a sense of discipline with my song writing.

I strongly believe that eliminating clutter from our external lives is a huge way to attract more to us. "Nature abhors a vaccum" as they say. However, this also works in our internal lives. If you're holding on to old resentments and baggage, be they from exes, employers or parents, you inhibit the flow of love and blessings to your life.

It's not always easy to commit to 28 days of anything but with all the craziness going on in the world I really think that we must become serious about our goals and dreams. If you want something, putting its picture on your vision board will not bring it to you. You must take the first step and begin the domino effect of action to get what you want. If this means a partner, I'd suggest Arielle Ford's The Soulmate Secret. Her book and her journey should inspire you. If a better job or way of life is what you're after, I can't recommend Esther and Jerry Hick's Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires enough. I also found Eckhart Tolle's teachings on presence gave me the ability to be completely grateful right where I was at (when I wanted to complain my brains out) which then led to much better circumstances for me.

So, if you've been feeling sluggish this spring or have that "itch" for something to change. I strongly recommend picking up Denise's book and giving it a go. It's time to let go of the excuses that keep us 3 inches away from our dreams and just go for it.

And in other news, I finally figured out how to link books! Ha ha. So, if you want to pick up any of the books I mentioned, check the links below. :) I downloaded the free Kindle app for my iPad and my Droid phone so now I take my books with me everywhere. It's pretty much the best thing that can happen to an avid reader.

I wish you blessings today. I wish you a wonderful day filled with unexpected miracles. Everything you want, wants you. Allow it to happen.

xo

Unplug Your Life, Recharge Your Life

2011-04-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever left your cell phone at home only to feel partially paralyzed during the day? I think we all have. We all have tech items that are our crutch. The iPod you need for the gym, the TV you turn on the moment you get home from work, the cell phone you check incessantly while waiting in line, in a meeting or God forbid, stuck in traffic. On one hand, it is wonderful that technology has enabled us the opportunity to make life more efficient however, it has also created a separation between ourselves and the real world.

I don't own a television. That's right. No TV...which also means, no video game console, no DVD player. Nada. It started out as an experiment, I wanted to see how long I could make it without Mad Men on demand or Food network. I figured it would be fairly easy. I'm not someone who ever watched a lot of television. Primarily because that is the only thing my father did after work for 30 years when he wasn't working in his garage. I also felt wary of the trend of daily TV watching with your laptops out and your phone at your side. That picture is the epitome of disconnect.

However, here's what I noticed the first few months without a television (after years without one and then a few with one): TV fills a void. When you come home and there is no TV to turn on, you are forced to really sit with yourself. This sitting can seem so quiet it's almost deafening. It definitely feels like weening oneself off an addiction, which is odd considering I truly didn't watch that much TV. Additionally, I had to make a concerted effort to not replace TV with the Internet - which is equally addictive.

So four months in, what is the life unplugged like? Well, I am truly, deeply happy. I often think of how many hours I haven't wasted on mindless television because I've been doing things. I have meditated regularly, cooked often, worked out daily, practiced my piano more than ever, wrote four new songs and written long letters to kindred souls because I have time and there is no "my favorite show" to distract me. Instead of watching a box of people living their lives, I am living mine. It's not always easy, but in the same way we ditch any vice, the benefits far outweigh the withdrawal symptoms.

Challenge: Consider putting yourself on an "electronic detox" for a set amount of time. This can be done a bunch of different ways:

Baby steps:

No Internet or TV after 10 pm Sun - Thurs.
Disable Internet on your phone for an evening
Leave your phone in your pocket or handbag during a meeting, shopping trip or other excursion where you would be distracted -Go for a run with no iPod on and listen to nature

Movin' On Up:

Set aside one day a week for an electronic sabbath and use no social networking sites, television or Internet. You can start with a half day if it seems daunting.
Do a half day or full day meditation sit at a local center. (I go to www.againstthestream.org in LA, they also have a group in Boston. Hint hint Mike)
Start exercising daily for a minimum of 15 minutes (that may not seem like a lot but considering most people tend to overdo then ditch their habits, it's best to work your way up)
Give your sabbath day a name - it could be "Adventure Sunday" where you go hiking or sailing every week... mine was "Baking Sunday" but lately is, "Writing Music and Cleaning The House Sunday." Tell your friends about it too, that way you might find people to join you and you commit yourself.

Ninja:

Take a silence retreat either for a weekend or a proper ten day meditation retreat.
Get rid of your television
Do an electronic spring cleaning and find which items you can sell, donate or lend so you can increase mindfulness Before you do any of these life-changing challenges, it's best to survey how you use your time. Write down how many hours a day you watch television, surf the net or play video games.

For myself, the Internet is the culprit so I use the site Rescue Time to monitor my usage. I can then adjust my habits accordingly. Author Tim Ferriss outlines some other sites that you can use that will help monitor your time and even block you from going on certain websites for awhile so you won't distract yourself. His short blog on it is: here.

You may be thinking, "But the nature of my work involves computers and the Internet." Guess what, so does mine. I actually get paid to be on a whole bunch of sites most people aren't allowed to go on for work. I also know that people who work in the digital space develop highly fragmented minds because they're constantly switching tabs, multitasking and taxing their brains overall (not to mention overloading ourselves with EMFs). Other detox tips I've used: I unsubscribed from many online shopping site emails, I found they usually made me want to buy things I don't need and cluttered my inbox. If I need something, then I look for it.

Speaking of which, there will be a forthcoming Savatra post on the Minimalism movement going on today.

In the meantime, enjoy the silence.

The Power of Words

2011-04-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

Choose your words, choose your world.

Change Your Life In One Week Pt. I

2011-04-12T07:25:00.001-07:00

Everyone is short on time these days, so I thought I'd write some simple entries on powerful ways to change your life in a short amount of time. The first entry is something I call the "Thank You" project.

All spiritual books from all major religions deal with the subject of praise and gratitude. In the Bible, it is praising God. In Buddhism, it is being observant and thankful for all that is around us and the ways we are connected. In mental science books on the Law of Attraction, gratitude is considered one of the principle necessities in order to unlock powerful manifestation in our lives. Next to forgiveness, there is no more powerful way to change your life in a short amount time. Perhaps because it involves not only action but also altruism and service.

Here's a story: Tracy Hays was a beautiful California girl who had everything you could imagine. She was homecoming queen at La Habra high, afterward moved to Huntington Beach and was living the dream by the sea. She was the on/off girlfriend of my childhood best friend Shauna's brother and we thought she was the coolest girl ever. We were dorky high schoolers (with bad aqua net hair) that would invade her apartment in Huntington every time we went to visit Shauna's brother. To us, Tracy was perfect. Perfect face, body, life... what more could you want. At the age of 27, Tracy died suddenly of cervical cancer. What I remember from both her funeral and hearing people talk about her was the phrases, "She was so thoughtful" and "She always sent thank you cards." Tracy's gratitude and ability to remember to thank people changed her legacy. She wasn't viewed as another beautiful California blond, she was viewed as gracious and thoughtful.

No matter what you're struggling with at the moment, gratitude is the easiest way to change the energy of your life and your day. So, if you're up to the challenge, here's some tasks for the week:

Easy level:
1. Get a note pad/journal and every evening write down ten things you are grateful for. If you feel stuck here are some ideas: health (seriously), that you have a job (even if you don't like it, in order to get a better job you must learn to be grateful where you're at), that you live in a modern country (and if it's a democratic country, put that down too), that you have overcome difficulty and that you are OK in this moment (if you sit still enough to realize it). Other ideas: clouds, orchids, fluffy cupcakes, pets, having kids (or in my case, having no kids), blue skies, belly laughs, the giggle of a child, your favorite song etc.

Going the Extra Mile level:
2. Buy/make Thank You cards.
We are a people who have forgot how to write. Not me, I like to keep it analog. Although I work in tech, every day I journal... on actual paper. The post office sells beautiful stamps and there is still something exhilarating about getting mail. Think of someone you could surprise by either mailing them a thank you card (or if you're a dude, you can do a letter) or dropping one off by their desk at work. One of the artists at the record label I work for dropped off hand written thank you cards by the desk of everyone at the label. That kind of thoughtfulness and attention to detail will go a long way with others. Consider yourself a domino, you could be the person to set in motion a powerful chain of events just with one thank you card.

Going for the Gold level:
3. Find extra ways to be kind or thank people through out your day.
You know those name tags that employees wear at Starbucks or Target? Use them. Whenever I buy merchandise, I always say, "Thank you Josh!" There is power in recognizing someone else. It will also get you better service. If you've ever worked in customer service or food service (I have), you will know that it is not always fun, you have the opportunity to be a bright light in someone else's day. Ps. This includes over the phone. Whenever I'm calling to complain I ask, "I'm sorry what was your name? Ah Jasmine. Hey Jasmine, so I'm super upset about this and I know it's not your fault but here's the story..." After an early twenties stint working in the phone room at Disneyland, I am nice to customer service people now. You can do it too. This goes for restaurants, oil tune ups, even policemen. :)

Bonus edition:
4. Learn another language
If you've ever traveled to a country that used a foreign language - you'll know two things: natives love when you use their language and you will love when someone speaks yours. I speak Portuguese and Spanish pretty well but I will butcher French as much as possible just to make an effort when I am in France or Montreal. I don't care if it's not perfect and old ladies correct me, I am teachable and making an effort to recognize someone else. I loathe that Western mentality of "Everyone should speak English." It is arrogant and disrespectful.

So give some of these a go this week and be sure to write down at night what you're experience was. You will definitely find that your attitude will change and you will probably begin to unlock some powerful manifestations. Don't be surprised if little coincidences or "kismet" moments start cropping up once you start practicing gratitude. Also, don't be surprised if you get addicted to how good it feels.

Savatra Everywhere

2011-04-04T13:31:00.001-07:00

Hi all,

You can now get inspirational quotes, pictures and passages from Savatra daily on Facebook and Twitter at:

facebook.com/savatragrace

and

twitter.com/savatragrace

And if you're into cooking, Tatiana has a vegan baking/cooking blog at:

www.VeganGoldmine.com

Spread the word!

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Someone Has Been Here Before

2011-03-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing:
the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude
in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
- Viktor Frankl

One of the most helpful principles I learned from studying with different meditation teachers is the principle of generalization in getting through difficult times. It seems to be our nature when life gets hard to isolate. Often times, we wallow in a sense of terminal uniqueness certain that no one has ever experienced anything like we have before. This sense of crippling isolation serves to send us on a downward spiral of self-pity. Our sorrow and remorse become magnets for more sorrow and result in depression.

In one of his dhamma talks on silencing the mind, monk Thanissarro Bhikku talks about the idea of generalizing our suffering. I'll paraphrase the idea since I don't have it memorized: if you are suffering, to think of others who are suffering or who have suffered worse, you help to lessen the pain of your suffering. This generalization allows you to stand outside your pain and view it from a different perspective.

As I've documented here before, 2008 was the worst year of my life. My grandmother suddenly died, my brother's best friend suddenly died, I bottomed out and got sober, my nephew's mom got hit by a drunk driver and put in a coma, I was robbed, three weeks later a giant truck T-boned me and threw my car up on a guard rail on an overpass... which resulted in my car getting totaled, back injuries, eight weeks of physical therapy, a law suit and post-traumatic stress disorder... and six weeks later, my dad died of a heart attack the day after his 59th birthday.

Needless to say - pity, party of one was in full effect. I was in so much fear and depression I did not go out on New Years Eve 2009 because I was afraid I would die. Honestly. I actually freaked out and fell to the floor every time I heard fireworks go off that night because I thought it was bullets. PTSD is no joke.

Early in 2009 however, I changed my tune. I heard this woman recount her near death journey to sobriety. Then I heard her share how in her 18th year of sobriety, she inexplicably wound up in three car accidents and lost five close friends and family members. My mind was blown. Suddenly, I wasn't so alone.

In fact, if I really wanted to dig back deeper I could look to my own family to realize this.

My grandfather lost his father in the Armenian genocide when the Turks rounded up the adult men in his village and murdered them. He then sold water on the streets of Armenia at age 10 to help make money for his mother. Years later, he would join the Russian army only to relive the horrors of the genocide all over again when he was captured by the Nazis and sent to Dachau death camp where he saw his best friend (and many others) murdered. He was taken before the firing squad three times himself and inexplicably... survived. My grandmother, was in a camp and never saw her twin brother again after the Holocaust. She met my grandfather in Germany and they married and moved to Brazil as refugees. She had been training to become an X-ray technician and was now a nomad. They were left to develop new lives in a country where they didn't speak the language and so shortly after seeing so much death and torture for the second time in their lives. Could you imagine going through not one, but two genocides? And yet, as a kid, I never knew this. My grandpa was a happy, funny guy and my grandma was a sassy, old lady who would put you in check if you were out of line (and who always had her hair done no matter what).

No matter what we go through, someone has been there before. Our job is to retain mental fortitude and perspective. Things in life aren't always fair. Genocides take place, natural disasters, random acts of violence and more. We have no control over any of this, but we do have control over the ability to choose our thoughts. I really hate that this is all true because I love a good fairy tale as much as the next person but if you find that it's "your turn in the barrel," this should help make the ride a little less bumpy.

And if you want to read about it, this was all said much better by Viktor Frankl is his book Man's Search for Meaning about his time in the Nazi concentration camps. I highly recommend picking it up. There's a brief summation of it: here.

What is to give light must endure burning. - Viktor Frankl

Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is unique as his specific opportunity. - Viktor Frankl

Mindfulness Amid Chaos

2011-03-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been derailed from writing about my Artist's Way journey, even though I've kept it up, just because a lot of life happened... all over the world in fact.

The recent events in Japan along with a brief visit to an ER for some medical fun (IVs suck I learned) have really struck an existential chord in me. I have thought a lot about what matters and what doesn't matter. And I have also thought a lot about the purpose of meditation. I always bring it up, but that's because I feel like it's a gift that has transformed my life and I want to share it with others. Particularly, amid a time when the news is bad all over, whether you're watching mainstream news or following notable conspiracy theorists. Fear is running rampant right now - everywhere. To me, this is good reason for everyone to start meditating.

I meditate because it gives me the ability to pause amid chaos. I am not naturally patient, but the more I meditate, the more I buy myself a pause. I don't need to react on impulse, I can breathe, stay with the breath, observe and then take action. I can always tell when someone is a Buddhist teacher or ardent meditator because they speak very s l o w l y. It's almost annoying when you first encounter it. Every word is so deliberate, so... slow. It used to make me want to scream, "Finish your sentence already!" But really, what's the rush? Where have I got to be except here?

I took a flight to Austin last week, and when my cab was late, I was able to see a marked difference in how I responded. I first called the company to check if it was coming, it was, OK. Then it arrived, I got in and I deliberated, "Hmm, I think I will have time. But, if I'm late, I miss the flight. I can't do anything about either right now. Oh well." This is what the Serenity Prayer would refer to as "the serenity to accept the things I can not change." On that drive, I did not yell at my cab driver to go quicker because that would have just made both of us feel worse. I simply rode in the cab. I looked at the trees along the side of the 110. I marveled at graffiti and homes I'd never seen before, watched birds, stared at license plates and ultimately, arrived on time. Now, to be fair, I don't think I arrived on time because I didn't throw a temper tantrum. But I do think, I arrived in peace because I practiced mindfulness and let go of any attachment to how things were supposed to be.

For awhile I couldn't see the benefits of my daily meditation practice but I figured it was working because I felt less stressed. Lately, I see how I'm doing things differently.

Today, I took an unfamiliar route home. Later, when I needed to reverse the route, I didn't have to consult my GPS because I remembered "Ah, green house, turn left here. Burnt down building, turn right there. Large hill, turn left." I had been mindful of my surroundings on my way home so when I needed to return, I was able to remember things clearly.

On the contrary, nearly every mistake I make is due to not being mindful. Be it as simple as misjudging a turn and scraping my car in a parking lot or spilling my tea or having a typo in an email, most every day errors are a result of me being somewhere else in my mind. Meditation gives you the ability to be here now. This will make you more productive at work because you won't be at the grocery store shopping for dinner in your mind, you'll be at work. You won't rear end that guy in front of you because you'll be paying attention to the road (and not texting). Your panic reflex will turn into a pause button.

Another example, I left my debit card somewhere two days ago. The old me would have quickly gone into panic mode and started imagining someone stealing thousands from my bank account. Seeing as how my lack of mindfulness was why I neglected to put my card away properly, I saw this as a lesson. From there, my train of thoughts were, "I'll call the restaurant I was at, hopefully they have it. If they don't, I'll go to the bank and get cash. Then, if necessary, I'll cancel the card in a few days. It's a few days of inconvenience at the most. No big deal." The fact that my brain had that super logical train of thought is still pretty shocking to me and I believe, a direct result of consistent meditation.

You can change your life, if you change your mind. All you have to do is sit. Sit for two minutes in silence. Listen to the birds, the dripping rain, the refrigerator hum. Watch the thoughts that come in, pick them up and then let them float by like leaves in a river. There is no good or bad in meditation. Just choose a time and sit - every day - consistently. I dare you. It will make you a better friend, athlete, employee, boss, partner, parent and human.

Also - one thing I like to do is practice Metta (or Lovingkindness) meditation for Japan. Simply sit in silence and send loving and caring thoughts/prayers to the people of Japan. Metta can be done for friends, enemies and even animals. I like the idea of sending loving thoughts to the people of Japan. It reminds us of how we are all interconnected.

What are you grateful for this week?

Life Happens

2011-02-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

[To all my readers following my Artist Way blogging, I've actually done chapters four and five on my own and will pick up with chapter six review here next week]

There's a quote that goes, "If you want to make God laugh, show him your plans." Whether you believe in a God or not, the underlying premise is that for all our intents to control and plan our lives - plans sometimes get side tracked.

I marvel at the beauty in sidetracked plans however. I heard two people share this past week how horrible car wrecks forced them to move home with their parents and how that ended up being extra time they were able to spend with loved ones who unexpectedly died later.

This was exactly what happened to me as well. Helping my mom with cancer, my own horrible car accident and not being able to find a permanent job years ago, gave me nine months at home with my dad. The last nine of his life. I didn't know it at the time. When I was stuck at home, I was grumpy, depressed and wanted to be somewhere else. But in the end, it worked out.

I guess in light of the harsh cruelty of unexpected tragedies and heartbreak, these moments become little signs of grace and mercy. Author Ron Mehl calls them, "God's calling cards," little signs to let us know we've been cared for all along - even when we didn't think we were.

We can't stop life from happening. We are powerless over a lot of things like cancer, mental illness, death and also - people's reactions to our behaviors. But we do have control over how we live our lives in respect to these events. As a monsignor shared at a funeral I was at this week, "It is what it is... but it is up to us to make it better."

We can not argue with what is or what happens, we can only look at what we can do to make it better.

For myself lately, it is slowing down and taking care of myself. I was sick a full month with bronchitis, sinusitis, reactivated back injury and stress-related issues. One of the reasons they didn't improve was because I kept going, going, going. Just like my dad who never took a sick day...except I got so sick I had to. Sick and also, really angry. I had this uncontrollable anger for weeks that was really bizarre and embarrassing to me. I think it was my exhausted body just begging for me to slow down, draw boundaries and ask for help. And then, of course, I realized how hard it is for me to do both those things.

On the same token, I have to remember to get busy spiritually when I'm feeling emotionally/physically/spiritually exhausted. Prayer and meditation are a part of my daily routine as well as 12 step meetings. It's really easy for me to argue why I don't have time or why I should sleep - but ultimately, I know I always feel better when I do these things. Our spirits need medicine as much as our physical bodies do. In fact, sometimes our physical ailments are cured when we treat our spiritual maladies.

It's always funny to me how ten minutes of meditation is really not that big of deal and I will make such a fuss over it. I have no problem meditating for thirty or forty-five minutes and yet I pout over ten minutes sometimes. It's like my brain is hard wired to choose the wrong button every time and I have to gently remind it, "No, no, it's the other one... the other button is the one that makes you feel better." Isolation does not make me feel better, it leads to romanticizing failures and throwing extravagant pity parties. Mindful solitude and spiritual practice do make me feel better. They remind me that everything I've gone through and all the shortcomings of my life can be transformed not only into meaningful lessons but a more open heart, a deeper sense of gratitude and a closer walk with God. All of which leads to: a life beyond my wildest dreams. My job is to show up, do the work and go where the river of my life takes me.

I think of King David in the Bible when I write all that because he's such the token metaphor for this stuff. He was so brilliantly devoted to his craft and God and then became spiritually disconnected, decided to have an affair, knocked her up and had his lover's husband killed. He then repented, paid dire consequences (their child died) and after reconnecting spiritually, God blessed David with another son (the soon-to-be King Solomon) and his life became the most vibrant it had ever been. Knowing that this kind of grace and mercy exists is humbling and inspiring to me - but it also illustrates that when life happens (I mean, the death of his other son was a life-long loss), how we handle it is what matters.

If we're lucky, we learn all this before it's too late. I think that Americans often get diseases like cancer because we operate on a mindless auto-pilot and ignore our spirits.

When life happens we get shaken out of these patterns and reminded that this is it. This life is not a dress rehearsal. We must learn to love ourselves and others unconditionally, be honest, do the best we can and be of service with our lives because this is really it. I'm not effortless at any of these things but at least I am aware. I try to put one foot in front of the other every day and show up to be grateful for what I have been given, take care of myself and to help others improve their lives. What the shape and color of that life ends up looking like, I don't know. I just know as I let God handle the details, it tends to work a lot better.

xo

The Artist's Way Challenge Week 3 Review / Wk 5 of 12

2011-02-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Sorry for my delay. I've been sick and preoccupied off and on but I'm still here. Still writing the morning pages, doing the artist date excursions and the exercises. Woot.

Chapter 3 was filled with so many great quotes about the artist process. Rather than bog you down with all my commentary, I thought I'd share some of what spoke to me:

"Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us." i.e. If you're upset someone is "ripping you off" or doing what you can creatively, your anger is saying "It's time to take your own ideas seriously enough to treat them well."
"We all have our Africas, those dark and romantic notions that call to our deepest selves. When we answer that call, when we commit to it, we set it motion the principle that C.G. Jung dubbed synchronicity."
"In my experience, the universe falls in with worthy plans and most with festive and expansive ones... first choose what you would do. The how usually falls into place of itself."
"We like to pretend it is hard to follow our heart's dreams. The truth is, it's difficult to avoid walking through the many doors that will open. Turn aside your dream and it will come back to you again. Get willing to follow it again and a second mysterious door will swing open."
"We say we are scared by failure, but what frightens us more is the possibility of success."
"The act of making art exposes a society to itself. Art brings things to light. It illuminates us. It sheds light on our own lingering darkness. It casts a beam into the heart of our own darkness and says, "See?"
"Many artists begin a piece of work, get well along in it, and then find, as they near completion, that the work seems mysteriously drained of merit. It's no longer worth the trouble. To therapists, this surge of sudden disinterest ('It doesn't matter') is a routine coping device employed to deny pain and ward of vulnerability."
(After being criticized or when in doubt) "At these times, we must be very firm with ourselves and not pick up the first doubt. We simply cannot allow the first negative thinking to take hold. Taking in the first doubt is like picking up the first drink for an alcoholic. Once in our system, the doubt will take on another doubt - and another."
"Because the antidote for shame is self-love and self-praise, this is what I did... I prayed. I made a list for myself of past compliments and good reviews. I did not tell myself, 'It doesn't matter.' But I did tell my artist self, 'You will heal.'"
"Many blocked people are actually very powerful and creative personalities who have been mad eto feel guilty about their own strengths and gifts. Without being acknowledged, they are often used as batteries by their families and friends, who feel free to both use their creative energies and disparage them.... Made to feel guilty for their talents, they often hide their own light under a bushel for fear of hurting others. Instead, they hurt themselves."
"If you do one nice thing a day for yourself, God will do two more. Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters. Be open to receiving gifts from odd channels: free tickets, a free trip, an offer to buy you dinner, a new-to-you old couch. Practice saying yes to such help."
"More than anything else, experiment with solitude. You will need to make a commitment to quiet time."
Baby yourself "As a creative being, you will be more productive when coaxed than when bullied."

I think all of these have a lot of insights we can chew on. I've definitely seen some artistic growth and new plans/unexpected plans begin to take shape. As my priority is currently my health, I'm getting over this bout of bronchitis before I delve headlong back into music and writing.

Fortunately, the Morning Pages and Artist's Dates are easy to do regardless. Oh, and you better believe I'm planning a future entry on health and wellness. I think stress management is my new obsession. I have a fantastic diet but stress always trips me up...

There's a book called "Women Who Do Too Much" - I think you could add me to that category. But, live and learn, the point is to continue changing and not get stagnant! Thanks to all of you who follow this blog and are change-minded people.

We're so lucky to be some of the few who look at bad habits or character defects and actually take the necessary steps to change them. Likewise, we're equally lucky to be people who are daring enough to follow their dreams. This planet is filled with people who will "want" to change their bad habits and "want" to follow their dreams... but will die having done neither.

Have a great day.
T

The Agony and Ecstasy of Non-Attachment

2011-01-26T22:46:00.001-08:00

I'll pick up chapter 3 of our Artist Way challenge next week because I'm super swamped and won't have time to finish all the tasks. I think two weeks per chapter is probably more realistic for me anyhow with work, life, etc.

In the meantime, I recently set up a meditation corner in my pad. I like to call it my Meditation Space Station. I'm an old shoegazer kid, bear with me. (If you're reading this and thinking, "What is 'shoegaze'?!" Go here).

One oft-used phrase in the world of useful clichés is "One day at a time." But I really like breaking it down to one hour at a time or even one minute - that's how quickly our feelings and moods can change. My Buddhist studies and life experience has taught me that we can be caught in a spiral of out-of-control crankiness... making up stories in our head about the way we "think" things are going... often when we have no facts... and then... a kind word... or a perspective changing coincidence will occur and suddenly... the clouds lift... and we breathe again.

What I love about Buddhism these days - is what I originally hated - and that is the idea of non-attachment. It is the key to avoiding suffering. "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" after all. (For the record, I don't consider myself a Buddhist, I don't do labels. I study Buddhism and practice meditation alongside a traditional spiritual life that includes prayer to a very non-traditional yet unconditionally-loving God. I guess that makes me Oprah... ;)

Non-Attachment

Here's a story from a Buddhist monk I once heard: A Buddhist master was teaching his students the importance of non-attachment. One of them pointed out to the master that he always used the same cup for his tea every day and asked, "So then, isn't that your favorite cup? Wouldn't you say you're attached?" The teacher replied, "No, because to me, the cup is already broken."

That story has helped me a lot but particularly, when my brand new car got a five-inch gash from a hit and run. At first, I was upset but then I just remembered, "The cup is already broken." I couldn't be attached, it was inevitable. In fact, I've made the odd choice to leave the gash there as a reminder.

This is the same principle we have to apply to people, places or things in our lives. I read an amazing quotation today: "The Buddhist-ideal: the absence of 'Attachment' - is NOT necessarily, in any way whatsoever, the absence of Profound Loving." - Bhante Ananda Maitreya

Whenever we feel the need to cling, to push our will, to insist upon others... we are not acting out of love. It is compulsion, it is insecurity or a need for validation. If I NEED to hear from you in order for ME to be OK then that is a sign that I need to get in touch with myself because I'm acting out of insecurity. If I NEED things to go a particular way, then I'm trying to play God and think I know what's best for myself. If I NEED this group of friends to always remain the same and go to our same favorite places then I am denying the reality that is, all things change.

Love via non-attachment allows our lives to be just as they are, the way they are. I used to hang out at this music studio/house in Huntington Beach called the Green Room all the time with my friends when I was younger. I clung to that place. It felt like home. When one of our friends who owned it died suddenly and the house was inevitably sold, I felt all kinds of depression. It seemed like an entire era had just evaporated. In a way, I felt homeless. I think that's what attachment does... it inevitably leaves us feeling spiritually homeless.

I have clung many a time to relationships, to jobs, to situations. I think after trying the clinging/my will approach so many times, I have realized that my only option is non-attachment. Hold things with an open hand.

I'll never forget... I was dating a guy who I thought was so charming and lovely. I knew intuitively that I was sort of trying to make him the right guy for me when he may not have been. Regardless, I was taking things one day at a time and when the equilibrium shifted... and the dynamics of our relationship revealed it wasn't working... I did something extraordinary... I said OK and I let him go. I gave into that Universal pull that was directing us in opposite directions and told him that I'd be his friend regardless - and not a friend with ulterior motives.

You know what happened? Nothing... and something. I know that sounds like Buddhist Yoda talk but it's true. The "nothing" was that although I felt slightly disappointed, I didn't feel that dramatic sadness I get when I've been forcing my will or clinging or "trying to make it work." And the "something" that happened was that we gained a mutual loving respect for one another and became good friends. And it became apparent, as we became friends, that we weren't really cut out to be with one another anyway. However, we still held a darling affinity and adoration for one another.

Let me tell you, when you cling and you try really, really hard to get your way... this not how it ends. Read It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken for some examples... or just reflect on friends you know who go crazytown during break ups or job losses or just, life. It's ironic how when you want someone or something so much, the very act of trying to control the situation takes it further away from you. If your focus is on all the things you don't have in your life, you'll never see all the things you do - and you have to see what you do have in order to get more.

I had a friend who was super obsessed with this guy who was treating her awful. She tried to get her mind off it by going to a friend's birthday party but couldn't focus. Mentally, she was still clinging. She wound up spending several weeks very depressed. Six months later, she met a wonderful man and they began dating. And do you know what she found out? This wonderful man was at the same birthday party she was at six months earlier... only she never saw him because her eyes weren't open. She was too busy clinging. Her desire for love was so great that rather than trust and let go, she clung... and it delayed the process of meeting her soul mate six months.

Don't miss out on life because you're too busy clinging to your will. Surrender, turn it over to God and trust that this is a friendly universe.

Louise Hay says, "Forms and channels may change but love remains the same." Go in the direction of the people showing you love. If you're sat home on a Saturday night depressed because you didn't get your way, get out of your pity party and call someone who has it worse than you. Spend time with them. Listen to their story. Then come home and meditate and release all that you have been clinging to. You can't trust the Universe to be friendly and purposeful while trying to make it spin according to your calculations. Life is so much more fun when things happen as adventures and miracles, not Olympic control fests.

Here is a powerful, powerful blog entry I stumbled upon. It is written by Grace Lin (coincidentally, Grace is my middle name), she is a young children's book author who lost her husband to cancer. She talks about how she realized the need to let go of clinging to his death in order to truly remember his life. It is simply beautiful:

You Only Lose What You Cling To - Grace Lin

I wish you peace, love and non-attachment.
May all good things come to you.

The Artist's Way Challenge Week 2 Review / Wk 3 of 12

2011-01-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

Digital composite I did of my friend James. "The prettiest boy I know" 2006

Lagging this week, but still here! Here we go...

OK So week 2, Recovering a Sense of Identity.

This week we got into the idea of crazymakers aka people to avoid along your creative journey. I grew up with overly critical parents (not judging, just stating facts) and I think this manifested itself in me as a tendency toward people-pleasing behavior. As artists, we want to have others acknowledge and praise us...especially people who seem disinterested. We often become addicted to those people who bring chaos/pain to our life then subsequently blame them for our lack of success/love/fill-in-the-blank. A slogan for this type of behavior is "going to the hardware store for milk." The most powerful and sometimes painful thing any person can learn is that no one can stand in your way except yourself. Decide you want happiness and pray for the willingness to receive it. Seriously. Most of us are more used to panic mode than peace mode.

Get this: When I was in high school, acting was my dream. I won some festivals and got to perform at Paramount studios for big wigs. I auditioned for some TV shows and was having high hopes of being the next teen dream until my mother proceeded to tell every manager and agent who called our house that an acting career was not "in God's plan for me." I was devastated. She "destroyed" my life! I was sure of it. When I went to university, a professor heard this story, put out her hand and said, "Tatiana, see this? No one - not even your mother - can pluck you out of God's hand." I believe she was right and ironically, I screwed up my acting career all by myself many times later in my twenties. However, I also became a US National Champion in Dramatic Interpretation in speech competition while at university (AFA-NIET for those who know anything about forensic speech), starred in a successful play in L.A. three years ago, was in a few indie films, did some improv shows etc... so yin/yang. Conclusion: it's not all my mom's fault.

Bottom line: as creatives, it's very important to keep your goals, dreams and work protected like a child. Don't go sharing everything you want/think to everyone you know, especially those who are unsupportive or jealous of what you do. You must tattoo the phrase, "Go where the love is" on your heart as an artist because it will save your life.

On a personal non-artistic note, this is the key to relationships too. So often we chase, chase, chase the flakes, the disinterested, the ones who push us away or don't show up for us. We ignore the love that is all around us because one person isn't calling or returning our affections. When you learn to practice unconditional love for yourself/others and go where the love is - dating/relationships are no longer a tortured game. You don't waste your time wondering "Should I do this?" or "Will I ruin it if I do that?" Every interaction becomes simply information collecting, seeing how things work with an open mind, getting to know the intricacies of other human beings and allowing them to flow in and out of your life with an open hand. Most importantly, you can love someone enough to let them go if they don't show you the respect you deserve.

A friend told me recently how someone she had been involved with went to hit on another girl in front of her but that she didn't judge him because "that's just how he is." I pointed out that while her acceptance of his behavior and ability to not be bothered by it was great, it might be wiser to look at it and go... "that's how he is... and I deserve a man who treats me with more respect than to go chat up a girl in front of me." I have a sneaky feeling that true love is less about danger, lust, drama and passion and more about commitment, showing up for someone, mutual inspiration and adoration. Consistency goes a long, long, [expletive] long way with me that's for sure.

I love that Julia ends chapter two by urging creatives to get out of fantasy mode and into action particularly by attention, or in more Buddhist terms, mindfulness. It's great to visualize what you want, but there's a difference between visualization and daydreaming. "Rather than working or living the now, we spin our wheels and indulge in daydreams of could have, would have, should have. One of the great misconceptions about the artistic life is that it entails great swathes of aimlessness. The truth is that a creative life involves great swathes of attention. Attention is a way to connect and survive." You can daydream about your perfect job, but if you don't apply for any, you won't get it. Likewise, you can daydream about all the ways you're going to further your music career, but if you get stuck up on what passed you by, could have been or isn't yours... you'll go nowhere. Mind your side of the street, take action and stay in the now: this is the key to going forward along the path.

Anyhow, I have had a busy week so it was hard to keep up w/ my morning pages but I did it 5 out of 7 days. That's right y'all, I'm not perfect. So, I encourage you to embrace imperfection as well. :) I'm finding the most difficulty in doing the Artist Date. I don't quite know if practicing piano counts but I've made an effort to wander more and take more time on walks. That may sound like aimless drivel but inspiration often strikes when we're doing very mundane tasks.

I didn't paint this past week but I did spend a few hours one night playing my keys. I wound up completely reworking a song called "Dream of Again" that I had wrote and recorded on my computer five years ago. Truth be told, I had never actually played it on my piano once. I also continued to work on two new songs I wrote. I felt a bit less critical and overall pretty happy with myself. It wasn't a Buddha on the mountaintop experience or anything but I was happy.

I also took time for myself and gave myself one of my crazy ghetto manicures (matte black with glossy gold glitter tips) and dyed my hair red. I had my hair Manic Panic deep red for much of the 90s, it's always felt at home for me and I feel good to have gone back to it.

SO - Next week is a super important chapter!! I've got a lot going on, so bear with me if I don't get to the post until next Wednesday. Read chapter three though, it's super important. We're going to talk about anger and jealousy maps. That's right - guess what - everyone isn't ripping you off by being successful! That woman you think has everything you don't, doesn't! That guy who stole your career, didn't! We're gonna wash our eye glasses and see things with new eyes and unlock some success.

How you guys doing so far? Ps. Thanks for the emails. It's cool to hear I'm inspiring some of you and that you think I'm *gasp* inspirational, which is weird, because I don't feel like I'm being inspirational. But I guess if you're the kind of person who walks around thinking you're inspirational, you probably have bigger fish to fry anyhoo, hah? Ha ha.

Alright... til next week... write/artist date/do the tasks/read chapter 3.
xo

The Artist's Way Challenge Week 1 Review / Wk 2 of 12

2011-01-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

"Frau die Treppe Herabgehend" by Gerhard Richter
One of the most beautiful paintings I've ever seen.

Hi guys,

It's been great receiving emails and comments from those of you along for this ride. It's interesting to be working through this book again five years later because so much has changed in my life in that five years. I also never realized that if you look at how Julia Cameron structures the book - it's essentially like a 12 step program for people to reclaim or improve their creative life. I never realized 12 chapters... 12 steps... until now.

I did the morning pages every day last week and I will be honest, some days I wrote, "I do not want to do this." But I did and I feel like something magical happens whenever I push past the breaking point. The same thing happens when I work out, I get to that point where I think, "I can't do one more..." but I do and the pain lessens and I feel great.

I was sort of shifty on my artist date for last week (an "artist date" is a two hour excursion that Cameron asks the reader to do solo every week). I had intended to maybe go to the beach or visit LACMA (because I HAVE to see that Eggleston exhibit). Instead, I sort of wandered aimlessly through some shops in my neighborhood. I did spend the allotted two hours, but I think next time I should be more focused. However, I felt really inspired by one of the cooking shops I visited. As previously stated, one of my creative endeavors is to become more creative in my cooking as well as my music, writing and art.

Artistically, I worked on some music and let myself experiment more than I usually do. It's sort of funny how our brains work, you know? On piano, I dominate. I've played 27 years this year and am classically trained (in voice as well). I know what I'm doing. I don't have to look or think. Yet my mind will always find ways to criticize the musician in me. It is never "perfect" enough. Never. I am trying to overcome that.

Ironically, I spent last night working on a painting. Now, in painting, I do not dominate. I'm above average but I'd give myself a C+ on the ol' skill scale. My drop shadows and form suck, I have no idea how to mix colors, I get frustrated easily and overall, would not deign to call myself a "painter." (Especially because being born/raised in a town like LA, I am far too used to people thinking that if they buy the tools, they can call themselves an artist without doing any work.) However, I like to paint. It's cathartic and I want to get better at it. That being said, that critic in my mind attacks me here too! It tells me I'm not good enough, I suck and I should just quit while I'm ahead.

So... I am either so skilled at piano that I need to be perfect or I'm so bad at painting that I shouldn't bother? Hmm. That seems silly... and that is what this 12 week process is about. Breaking down the way our minds try to keep us from improving as creatives. Creativity is a spiritual process, I believe. The act of being like the Creator (whomever/whatever you feel that Creator is) is a communion with our spirit. When I am writing music and singing and truly lost in it, it is one of the most amazing feelings on earth. It's like being in love. It flows easily... and yet, my brain wants to find ways to cut that flow.

This week we will get into Chapter Two "Recovering a Sense of Identity" which is a topic I am really fascinated by. I think it's a great topic for women in particular as we often spend much of our lives trying to be chameleons. I know I was always trying to be one thing for my teachers, one thing for my parents, one thing for boyfriends and was easy to lose sight of who was intrinsically Tatiana. These days I do have a strong sense of who I am but I would really like to become more secure in who I am as an artist. I think the best thing a woman can do is have a great, big, full creative life that doesn't stop the moment a man enters it... but rather, spins brighter and fuller. :)

If you participated this week, feel free to comment your experiences. As always, you're welcome to email me also. Ps. Congrats to my reader Andrea who started the Quantum Wellness cleanse after reading my blog.

Happy Monday,

The Artist's Way Challenge Week 1 of 12

2011-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

grandpa artavas = savatra

Hi all -
So, happy 2011!

THIS month is four years since I started Savatra. A blog named after my grandfather Artavas (which is Savatra backwards). He survived the Armenian genocide, was in the Russian army and then survived Dachau death camp during the Holocaust. He was a sweet and kind man who I miss dearly. I feel like anyone who survived such horrors and managed to become a lovable, smily grandpa is the kind of person I'd want to be like... ergo this blog.

I spent my holidays really tapping into my spiritual connection. I got to hear an amazing Thai Buddhist monk speak, I finished reading Buddhist nun Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart (three years later... when nothing is even falling apart... but it's still a good read!), I meditated a lot as well as hit a lot of recovery-related meetings AND I began week one of The Artist Way (a twelve week creativity workbook)... which you're going to start too, right? Pick up the book. I went through it once in 2006, have revisited it plenty times since and have had life changing results.

Whether you're already an artist/musician/writer whatever or someone who has always "wanted" to be more creative but felt afraid - this is your time to do it. I will follow up with reports every Sunday about my progress.

I started my day today by writing the "morning pages." Author Julia Cameron instructs the participant to write three pages daily - without thinking - after waking up. I need my tea before I do it, so if you do too, that's OK. As someone who has done a lot of work as a writer, both professionally and creatively, I am always surprised at how this practice still teaches me things or shows me insights that I didn't expect.

So, whether you hate writing or love writing, don't allow it to be an excuse to skip out on the three pages every morning. It's vital.

Secondly, you'll be challenged to take yourself on an artist's date every week. I don't quite know what I'll do this week, but living in Los Angeles, there are tons of options.

Don't feel the need to keep up at my pace although, you can totally read the intro and chapter one and get up to speed in a day.

What I'd really like would be for anyone participating to comment on their experiences following these blog posts. I think if we build a community of participants it will inspire us to do even more creative things. I'll follow through on my experiences.

My personal intentions are to pursue my music in a more tangible way and actually get around to playing shows again as well as do more creative writing. I'd also like to become a more creative and intuitive chef.

What are your creative aspirations?

xo

The Peace Of Living Without An Exit Strategy

2010-12-29T13:18:00.000-08:00

"Basically, the challenge is to be genuine - to feel our pounding heart or shaking knees or whatever it is - and stick with it."

"Sticking with reality when we feel threatened, not running when opposition presents itself."

I have had a profound experience this holiday season. A sense of overwhelming love has enveloped me. I have felt in love with life: the perfect, the imperfect, the unexpected miracles, the unexpected disappointments, the nuances of new people, sights, sounds and scents as well as rediscovering the beauty in what already is. The love of discovering I'm not always right in my assumptions and I'm not always wrong in them either.

My challenge for myself has been to truly welcome whatever comes my way and resist the need to label things as good or bad. To resist the need to make stories about each situation or run when I feel threatened.

Speaking as someone with an addictive nature, the fight or flight mentality is ingrained in me. I have ran so many times from so many things. If I want to work on releasing my resentments, all I generally need to do is start with the list of people I have cut out of my life. The "cut and run" practice has been a comfortable routine in my past. However, since November of this year, I have experimented with Samaya - a Buddhist term that essentially means an unconditional marriage with reality (or in strictest Buddhist practice, an unconditional relationship with one's teacher). The determination that no matter what comes my way, I will sit through it... heart pounding, knees shaking and refuse the need to believe that if things were somehow different that they would be better.

"We think we have some choice to make, some alternative to just hanging out with not solving anything, not resolving anything. We could say that, at the level of mind, breaking samaya is feeling that we must come up with a solution to a problem - or feeling that there is a solution or a problem at all."

Our minds are always looking for an escape route. An exit strategy to lessen the burden of whatever pain our thinking has gotten us into - and trust me - all suffering comes from our thinking. True peace comes from realizing that we can be happy now even if things don't change at all.

I know people who have tons of money and view very petty problems as huge existential dilemmas. They spiral in and out of depression and despair. Similarly, I know people with no money and huge financial problems who find a way to live in joy despite their circumstances. It is proof that happiness is a choice. It is a marriage with whatever comes our way.

For me, the desire to commit to reality has been a profound one. It actually arrived on my birthday this year. I had been very disappointed with someone and felt that heart pounding anger that comes when you feel abandoned or wronged. My fight or flight urge kicked in. The need for revenge. The need to take action. The notion that somehow, if I made some grand gesture to "show them," then I would be relieved of my suffering. Ironically, it was a suffering I had created because of my expectations and my resistance to reality.

It was in the middle of this emotional meltdown (complete with sobbing tears), when a friend said something profound to me: What do you want?

What I wanted was peace with this individual. I wanted our friendship to be restored. I wanted the absence of this strain. My girlfriend then followed with the kind observation that if what I truly wanted was peace - then taking the action of dramatically cutting this person out of my life because I didn't get what I wanted would not lead to the results I wanted... so my best case scenario was to sit with this discomfort and do nothing. And so I did.

...and it was uncomfortable. It was excruciating. It was feeling my entire body itch like chicken pox had covered every inch of my skin. It was an emotional detox. However, it was also liberating. It was a groundbreaking moment. I would not run from love. I would not run from pain. I would sit in the present and just allow it to be my teacher.

"Samaya means not holding anything back, not preparing our escape route, not looking for alternatives, not thinking there is ample time to do things later."

I have had an amazing holiday season. There have been miracles that have blown my mind. There have also been opportunities to practice my samaya. To listen to someone, to sit with my discomfort and to choose love. To inwardly say to them, to life, to all circumstance - I will stay. I will stay with whatever comes in my path and not fool myself into thinking that an exit strategy will bring me peace. I will stay with the traffic I get stuck in. I will stay with being stuck at the table at the back of the coffee shop when I wanted a different one. I will stay with the presence of passion and the absence of passion.

And this is love. Truly. It feels like I'm high. This ability to view everything as a miracle. On Christmas day, I decided that morning that I would have a good day. I didn't know what would happen. I only made plans for the morning but I decided it would be a good day regardless. This would be different than years past when I sat around alone by the tree feeling sorry for myself. And Christmas this year was amazing. It was one of the best Christmases I have had in all my life.

I am not practicing samaya effortlessly quite yet but I am practicing nonetheless. I am making the conscious decision to welcome everything that comes my way. To look at each person in my path as a miracle, as a teacher, as a partner that I will commit to unconditionally knowing that the present is a teacher. I am living in a state of uncertainty and completely in love with it. "The agitation of presence [is when] we become uncomfortable with not knowing."

I am the girl who has always had an escape route and I am living now with no map, no exit strategy, no plan B... and completely in love.

"The sky and the sun are always there, it's the storms and clouds that come and go."

(All quotes from Pema Chodron, "The Trick of Choicelessness" from When Things Fall Apart)