Kym wants you to know...

Silence is truly golden

2011-08-07T21:55:00.000-05:00

I have had the wonderful gift, once, to enjoy three days in complete and total silence. Meaning I was not allowed to speak. and I was to spend the three days in silent meditation with God. I accepted the gift not knowing if I could do it. After the experience, not only can I do it but I crave it. I wish it were something I was allowed to do a few times a year. To be given the respect and the opportunity to be in total concecration.
It is amazing what happens in silence. Real silence. Like after you get past the first few hours of the chatter that feels your brain when you start to be silent you really start to embark on a deeper level of connectedness.
I can remember writing during this time and literally feeling my mind open up to other thoughts. Those that were below the surface. And it was beautiful. Im craving that today. Lately my mind is so full. Life, work, kids, grandkids, school, finances, health, etc....It is sometimes overwhelming and I feel I lose what I really need in the noise. Like why do I get so frustrated when others make bad choices (according to me) about their lives. Why do I care? And why does it bother me when people take advantage of me. I must be the one letting them. Why dont I think about this before letting them push me too far? It is my choice. Ugg! I want to find a way to have some silence soon. I need Gods guidance and I know that in the silence I hear Him so clear. hmmmmm how to do it.

To be someones mama

2011-05-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is mothers day. That date on the calendar that is set aside to celebrate Motherhood. No one except a Mother would even appreciate what that means. Its more than a title or an position in the family tree. It is an experience. A gift. A blessing. And most of the time it is what breaks your heart. I have had the very fortunate opportunity to be the mother to two children and three grandchildren. For a little over 23 years I have been experiencing this yo-yo, rollercoaster thing calling mommyhood. They break your heart, mend your heart, fill your heart, soften your heart and then they break it again. Its is a constant cycle of joys and sorrows. Never ending. Not that I would want it to. Motherhood though to me is serious. Not something I take for granted. I think that is what makes it hard sometimes. When you feel like those you care about the most do not see how hard you are trying to do everything in their best interest.

I started this journey when I was still a child myself. 18 years old and thought I knew everything. The person who was the only real "mom" I ever had died when I was 13. The woman who gave birth to me I came to accept was one of those "oops" mothers. You know the ones "oops I got pregnant and now I have a child and I hate it!". So I was determined to be better than any of that. I wanted to be a mother. It is the one thing I thought I could do very well. Because if nothing else, I know how to love people. I know how to make a person feel loved and cared for. To me if a child has that then everything else will fall into place.

Today, I hope that my children and grandchildren know in their hearts that no one can possibly love them more than I do. I know I have'nt been able to lavish them with expensive gifts, new cars and new homes. But I always did the best I could and tried to keep their best interests at heart when doing anything.

Even today. I spend more time without my children than with them. They live here and I still dont get to see them much. They are growing up and finding their own way. It breaks my heart constantly. I miss all the time with them. But one day hopefully they will recognize that mama isnt trying to smother them. Just love them. Loving them is all I know. And it doesnt end because they grow older.

Adjusting moi!

2010-11-22T15:53:00.000-06:00

My life has been one "adjustment" after the other. Familial relationships, career decisions, education, hair styles, addresses, and now weight loss. Im on the second "adjustment" and I think Im starting to get it. Does that make sense?
I know I have to eat smarter, move more and take it day by day. It will be an ongoing day to day sometimes minute by minute struggle. But Im starting to make lasting strides. I am down 23 pounds since October. I think that is pretty good.
I took the day off of work today because my newest blessing of a grandson is still in the hospital and I wanted to spend time visiting him. Things are so confusing. I wish I could have things differently than they are. But thats what I need to realize. I can only control what I am in control of. ME. My life isnt a Currier and Ives painting. Everything isnt a bowl of cherries. But it is my life and I can just roll with the punches. That is the hard part for me. I have always been a dreamer. I have wanted things to be the way they are in my dreams. But they will probably just be that. My dreams. My reality is I am a mom, wife and grandmother and everything isnt picture perfect.
But it is mine.My life.

Trois bebe's

2010-11-21T15:45:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, November 20, 2010 God Blessed me with my third grandson. I wish I could tell you his name but as of today (11/22/10) they havent decided. He has had three names. He was born at 3:17am on 11/20/10 and was 6 pounds 3ounces and 19 inches long. So now I am surrounded by lovely boys. This newest blessing has jaundice and is now in the Nursey under the special lamps trying to get his bilirubin down. He was born three weeks early. Shay had a pretty simple delivery. Baby three is very calm and quiet. He hardly cries.

Im thankful for my grandsons. They are all a blessing to my life.

24 years ago

2010-06-22T21:02:00.000-05:00

Its the strangest feeling to me. I look at this picture. One taken during the summer before my senior year of high school. Im talking strictly on the surface this young lady and the woman I am now are totally different.
I thought I had life in my pocket. It couldnt throw anything my way that I didnt allready have an answer for. Looking back now I can see how naive that was. I was clueless. In two years from this pic I would be a wife and a mother. I wouldnt be pursuing the things I thought I would.
But deep inside I am still this person. Creative, yearning with ideas, full of inspiration, wanting to learn everthing.
I didnt at 17 think I would be here at 40. I didnt ever even think about it. Im not sure if I didnt expect to live this long or if I just didnt look far into the future. Both sound a little like me. I still want to see the world. I still want to experience things. I still want to die holding hands with the man who I love and who loves me. I still have eclectic tastes. I could listen to Duran Duran and Frank Sinatra. Then listen to African Drums and then some Gospel. I love to read fiction and am a total lover or art biographies.
I love very modern decor and then that which is remaniscent of France.
I didnt imagine my life would be where it is now. Im not disappointed in myself because I am following my heart and depending on Gods light to lead me.

2010-06-20T10:24:00.000-05:00

Fathers Day-

Ive always had mixed feelings about Fathers Day. For the first 8 years of my life I didnt even know that I was supposed to have a dad. I still do not know 100% who my dad is. But I am so thankful that I had a grandpa who stepped in as father figure in my life. I didnt live with my "pa" full time until I was 12.

But he being the only father I ever sort of had I learned these things from him:

* my work ethic

* my kids come first

* giving up is not an option

* health issues wont stop the show- keep going

* there is nothing as beautiful as flowers

* plant a garden

* Reading IS important

* respect yourself

* Stay out of other peoples business

* you dont always need all of the newest gadgets

* be responsible

*finish what you start- no matter how long it takes

* look around you, outside of your everyday world.

Pa, taught me so much. More and more everyday I notice things that I do that are from his influence in my life. :-)

Hmmm I was thinking....again.

2010-06-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

I spent about 6 hours sitting in one of our state parks yesterday. Just hanging out with my sis and my thoughts. Its a blessing and a curse when you get out in the middle of nowhere, no music, no TV and no work. So as I watched the cloud roll by and the wind rushing through the leaves on the tree I was sitting under I had nothing but my thoughts.

* Why is it that I could once eat anything I want and never pay attention to it ending up on my hips?

* When am I going to know what my purpose is?

* Why dont I live near the ocean?

* Is there something I should know?

* Why cant they make cheesecake that is fabulous and no calories?

* Is there a videotape somewhere from my encounter with the customs security in Amsterdam?

* What will I remembered for?

* Why cant my wardrobe be entirely pink?

* Where is the rainbow connection once promised to me by Kermit the Frog?

I think too much.

2010-06-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

this Mums love..

2010-06-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

22 1/2 years ago I was blessed for the first time with the gift of becoming a mother. My beautiful baby Shay was more than I thought my heart could take. I wondered why did I get to be so blessed with having such a beautiful gift. She was perfect n every way. She was a good baby, was smart, quick to reach all of the prescribed milestones. She was the star in her daddys eyes. Always by his side. A couple of years later I had the perfect pair. God gave me a wonderful baby boy. He was bubbly, happy and spoiled rotten by this mama. He was the kid who wanted to learn about everything, join every group and every sport. He was the son everyone said I was blessed to have. ( I agree).

I became a member of the young grammys club 17 months ago. My daughter gave me a sweet little package and a new title Grammy. Being a grammy wasnt in my plans at 40, however it is the best surprise I ever received. He is amazing. He is so much more in my life than I thought a little life could be. 5 months ago my son and his fiance gave me another sweet bundle of joy. My second grandson. He is just as amazing as my first. They are so sweet, smart and a gift I didnt know I needed. Im so blessed! I miss them when they are not here. All of them. I may be crazy but I wish I could move all of my kids and grandkids back home with me. Not that theyd want to. And I know that all kids must grow up and make a life of their own. But I miss them. I miss their voices, their commotion, their presence in my home. Its so strange them not being here. I dont know how Im supposed to live without them in my day to day life. I miss them terribly. I worry about them every day. This mums love is hard to not feel lonely for them. I hope that they know it. I hope they believe it. I hope they feel it, everyday, every moment, for the rest of my life.

3 months into my journey

2010-06-13T08:39:00.005-05:00

I am now three months into my journey of change. I decided that now is the time. Im tired of not feeling like, looking like or living like the woman I know I am. Its very frustrating to know that I grew up healthy, and until I started having multiple medical problems I was actually able to walk up a hill without thinking I was going to pass out. I was once active. I loved to ride bikes, rollerskate, go to the gym, swim and embark on multiple miles of walking.

Three months ago I said no more. I know its going to be a journey full of struggle and soul searching. Looking deep within my obese body and finding the strength to say no to that cheesecake and yes to the fresh fruit. At the end of 6 months I have decided to add another tool to my weight loss journey. But to start I will be more aware of what I feed my hunger and what steps I take everyday. It has been my struggle for at least 10 years now. Im too young and potentially have too much life left to just let myself go like this. So Im taking the steps. My legs forsake me much of the time. But I keep going knowing that even though now they are sore and swollen that one day it will get better. And more and more each day it will be easier.

I started a Weight loss/health team at work. We are calling ourselves the "Sassy Sirens". There are 18 of us who have decided to help each other and be supportive to one anothers efforts. Since starting that team in May I have lost 18.8 pounds. I have been eating little carbs and trying to do my best to not skip meals. We go walking around the lake at work and then we gather as a group and walk around another lake in the evenings. It is the support and shared vision of a healthier life that makes it so much easier in a group. I cant wait to see our results in a year!

But for me, its about being able to live the life I want to live. I cant enjoy swimming right now because you couldnt pay me to wear a bathing suit. I cant bike ride because I get to sore with my big self on a bike. I cant run and play with my grandsons.

Im preparing myself for the changes to come soon. Im not naive enough to think its all going to happen overnite or even be easier. But it will be possible. And just the possibility of having my life back will be worth the journey.

Enjoying just being me

2010-05-02T17:31:00.002-05:00

Life can be so complicated. I know that alot of time it is complicated for me. And much of the complications are because I allow things to get that way. By design I am not a complicated person. Im pretty simple. I like the basics. My kids say Im "old fashioned". I used to take offense to that. With visions of grannies in rocking chairs, sporting buns and long skirts. But when I think about it I kind of appreciate the thought of being 'old fashioned". To me they are saying I play by the rules ( most of the time) that Im respectful and reverant. I think about the consequences of my actions before reacting. So in that way. I am definately 100% old fashioned.
But I am also more than what you see on the outside. I have a large list of interests and hobbies. Most of which no one I am related to even cares about. So my family tends to think I dont do anything or "Im boring". I take offense to that however I also cant make people care about the things I care about. I think Im a pretty cool person. Im dont have tunnel vision. I can enjoy music from Classical to Techno, from Gospel to 80's pop. I have an interest in people, places, experiences, arts, arts, arts.
Where the disconnect comes is from the fact that I am married, have children and grandchildren and I feel alone sometimes. Alone in that in order to expand my mind or enjoy my interests I have to do them alone or with people who dont share a familial bond with me. That makes me sad. I want my daughter to share nights at the art galleries with me. And spend days painting with my son. And try new, creative dishes with my spouse. And I want to spend time with my family. And they repeat over and over I am borning. Are you kidding me? Im a freaking fabulous and interesting woman. Give me some credit here. I have things to share.
So then lonliness sets in. Guilt if I spend time with my few friends doing the things I love. Yet if I dont do those things then I would never get to do them.
I have a goal list/bucket list a mile long. Things Ive always wanted to try before I die.
First and foremost there was being about to go to Paris. I did that last March. Im grateful. It was worth the wait. But there is so much more. Not many things that require as much money or planning as Europe but things I want to do or try before my life comes to an end.
I want to introduce things to my grandkids. I want them to have experiences so they dont have tunnel vision. I want them to see the possibilities of life. All the things that they can experience and enjoy. Their lives can be so much more than they can imagine.
Im trying to show them, by them I mean everyone around me. Im so much more than they imagine. Im just trying to enjoy being me and hopefully people will see I am amazing.

2010-03-21T15:21:00.002-05:00

The reason.....

I have many reasons to be thankful, to get out of bed in the morning, to smile, to breathe. One of the greatest is this little guy right here. Najee is my 16 month old grandson. Im a member of the young grammys club. At 40 I am allready embracing the joys of being a grandparent. But his amazing smile that shine all the way through his eyes gets me going. Keeps me going. There is an amazing love you get to have for the child of your child. I never imagined that I could love someone as much as the fruit of my womb. But amazingly enough it is even more so. Its more so in a different way. When I look at Najee I see deep into his heart and I think he can see mine. Its like we allready have a bond that is unbreakable and inexplainable. I remember the love I had for my grandma and grandpa Townsend. They were definately more like parents to me than grandparents. And the love I had for them was coupled with the knowledge that I knew they loved me unconditionally.

Najee and I spend almost every weekend together. We learn from each other and it is beautiful to me. I enjoy watching him explore and try new things. I like to take him to the museum, the park and we love to read together.

Najee is the reason, most days, I smile. He is just plainly my reason. I love him with all of my heart, he makes life so much more special. I thank God for this great big blessing that is the little person.

Frozen here on the ladder of my life...

2010-01-31T12:24:00.003-06:00

There is a line in one of my favorite Elton John songs that says " I cant light no more of your darkness, All my pictures seem to fade to black and white, Im growing tired, and time stands still before me, Frozen here on the ladder of my life". And that is just how my heavy heart is feeling right now.

On January 11th I received the news that Uncle Jim had went missing and then they found him, dead. Since then I have had no resolution. His wife wont share any information with me. She isnt having a funeral or memorial service for him. And most of all the friend, the father figure I had is now gone.We used to play scrabble online together. He cared about my future, my kids and grands. Now what....no answers. Just frozen here. In that horrible moment when someone with no feelings posted on facebook that my beloved unlce was dead. And now 20 days later I still have no resolution.

I feel like I keep going through test after test, Not sure why I seem to need so many. Maybe I dont have a clue. Maybe Im just like those people that I think are walking around out there totally lost.

Someone told me the other day that they wished they were as brave and bold as I am. Who me? I must be good at faking it. Someone once told me " to fake it till you make it". I guess thats what I do. Because I am very afraid even in some of the most insignificant moments. Fear leads me by the ear all the time. I am always very aware of the fact that I can fall flat on my face at any moment. In work, relationships, just life in general. Im afraid of stepping out and being me.

There have been a couple of people in my life that have been able to see right through my masquerade. Those who notice I laugh when I want to cry. That I get quiet when Im extremely angry. And have called me on it. I remember thinking " Wow, if they can see that in me, what else can they see?" Not that I have many secrets, at least not the kind that would cause the world to stop turning. But those things that we just dont tell everyone. Our weakness, our quirks, the things that are holding us back from being authentic.
Authenticity....a word that makes me take a deep breath.

I dont think I have ever lived 100% authentically. The me, the real me, without regards to what anyone else thinks or feels about it. Why do I care so much about what other people think?

I tend to live my life with the wall built around me, In the past year Ive let my wall down about three times and since have had to build it even higher. Letting people into my life, in my heart only to find out they were not truly my friends. Or they destroyed any bit of trust I had built in them.

Im sitting here. My home silent except for hum of this computer and the spinning of the fan. I take a deep breath because once again I realize Im holding my breath. I thinking about the physical transformation that my body is taking, achy, stinging, and heavy with pain. I think back to the walk along the Seine last March. The way I felt everthing was for me. The way the boats were docked, the Parisians peddling past me on their bikes. The way the sun was setting as if to highlight everthing I was taking in. I can hear the water lapping up on the banks of that solemn river. Pristine and poetic. I wanted to stay in the moment forever. It was just as I had imagined. Soothing my soul like a warm blanket. I remembered looking around. At the people, at this bustling city. And I remember feeling like I was home. Like I had been lost and now I was home. I had only felt that feeling one other time in my life. At a silent retreat I attended in 2005.

It was strange because I didnt feel at home, I felt like a tourist in Amsterdam, in Lisbon, in Lourdes and in Rome. But in Paris. I felt safe. And like I could breathe in a way I never had before.

I miss it so much. Especially now. At a time when things are going to fast, when my life is so hectic. Im a grandmother, twice. Im a wife. Im the boss at work. And I feel completely alone. I pray for guidance and strength. Thats all I know to do. Pray. Pray and Pray.

Facebook | Kym Brown

2010-01-31T12:17:00.000-06:00

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Me and Le Tour du Eiffel

2009-07-26T18:26:00.000-05:00

Ive been to my dream and back

2009-07-26T12:56:00.002-05:00

I cant even believe it still. It has been 4 months since I returned from my dream trip to Europe. And everytime I see a photo, read an entry in my journal or see a souvenior I cant believe I actually saw those places with my own eyes. When I was standing in line in Amsterdam waiting to go through customs I didnt believe it. When I stood in an ancient church in Portugal I didnt believe it. When I rode a train across the beauty of Spain, I didnt believe it. Crossing the Pyrennes mountains, drinking water in Lourdes, Riding the TGV into "my" city, Paris. I DIDNT BELIEVE IT!!! Or I couldnt. I was on overload. But when the worlds fastest train pulled into the Paris station. I was numb. From the terminal I could see nothing. It was too underground. I hadnt saw any of the famous Parisan landmarks. Or my lady, Eiffel. Everyone in my group kept looking at me. I know what they were searching more. My reaction. But As I unloaded my heavy baggage from the train and stepped onto the terminal I was NUMB. I wanted to know where our contact was so that I could start seeing what I had waited a lifetime to see. When Sylvia showed up I wanted her to hurry us through the extremely busy terminal. And she did. Dressed in what I would call a typical Parisan getup she got us all quickly to our waiting bus. All in some fierce stilleto heels. :-)
I boarded to bus, the 9 of us, I sat near the back, next to the window. I couldnt breathe. I couldnt speak, I couldnt hear and I couldnt breathe. The driver pulled from the terminal to the left and at the first corner made a right. We were on a large bullevard. And not more than a half a block later there she was. Lady Eiffel. Stadning proudly right out my window in front of me. I felt a rush of emotion and a gallon of tears run down my cheeks. I was finally in MY city. My Dream.
It was lovely being able to see all the places I saw in Europe but nothing would/could compare to Paris. I dreamt of it my whole life and never even thought I would ever be there. I knew we only technically had two days there. Not even close to enough time to be there. But It was amazing. I tried to soak in every street, ever person, every building I saw. I think most of the time I was in so much shock that I forgot to take pictures. Dont get me wrong I took near 2000 pics of my trip. But in Paris. I found myself in amazement so much that I didnt shoot what I was looking at.
I also didnt have the nerve to do all the things I wanted to do. I went with the group and only ventured off by myself a couple of times. I kick myself now for this. But standing in my city. The city that I have felt so connected to for so long did not disappoint. I now have an ever greater appreciation and admiration for her. And cant wait to go back. And I will go back. To take it all the things I missed. Home to me is Paris.

Fall into place

2008-11-16T17:39:00.004-06:00

Well Im waiting......as usual for something to fall into place.
My friend told me a couple of months ago that we are definately going to Europe in March. The 9th-22nd to be exact. And I am super excited. I have my passport etc. She said that 1/2 of my trip fare is taken care of...That still leaves about $2500 I need to come up with. Might as well be a million. So I finally decided. Ok. Im a big girl. I am just going to have to get a pt job to supplement my income so I have money for the trip. I finally got a nibble and landed a job working pt at walmart. I worked 5 days and thought I was going to die of intense leg pain everyday. Working my FT job from 0900-1730 and then working at wally world from 1800-2300. I cant do it. I had to call and quit today. I still cant walk comfortably. I fell so terrible. I dont know what to do. Lonnie keeps saying...dont worry, if God wants you to go then you will be able to go. I also know that Lonnie doesnt want me to go at all.
I just hope that something happens where I can go. I want to go so much. It isnt just a want. It feels like a need. Like there is something there I have been looking for my whole life and I need to go see it. I cant explain it...We will see what happens

Do you know what you want?

2008-06-30T19:19:00.003-05:00

How do you know what you want? How do you know for sure? Does it change with every breath, mood, day? Or have you always known.

I know what I want so much sometimes that my soul aches for it, and then I get to the point where I start to question if I ever knew.

I look at this little girl. Playing in her front yard, carrying her TV guide and the only care she probably had was where are my toys, when is my nap and where is my juice???

I wonder if when I was this little did I allready know? Who I was or was going to be? Or was I as lost as I am now, 36 years later.

People say that our lives are allready mapped out for us. I think to some degree they are. The main purpose is allready determined for us. Gods Plan. But can we mess it up? can we do something that takes us out of our purpose and leads us down a road so far that we never find our way back.

I dont know. I just feel alot of the time like I am not living my dreams. My full potential. I feel it in little snipits here and there. When Im in an art gallery, when I am creating something. When I am helping people and they appreciate my help. Or when I am doing something not in my normal day to day routine. Like when I go shoot pics or when I create a new torn paper collage and present it to someone as a gift.

The thing in life is so short. I mean really. 39 years have come and gone. GONE! and what have I done? More than some people I know. I have two wonderful young adults. I have a husband of 20 years. I have a college degree, and a thesis away from a masters. I have won awards, I have travelled the US. I have survived Cancer and a traumatic injury to my rt leg. But what am I holding back? What am I afraid of? That resonates in me. FEAR. Why am I afraid? Where the heck did I learn that in my life? Cause I cant remember not ever having it. And by fear I mean that kind of feeling that keeps me from going for it. That little voice that says " No one cares about your art" " You arent good at that" " You are stupid", and " People will laugh at you". I mean, why didnt I get a degree in Art or some related field? Something that had been in my heart since I was a little kid? Or why havent I gone to Europe the few chances I have had to go? WHY? What am I waiting for? What am I afraid of? Why is it that so many women my age allready have everything figured out. Or are they just better at hiding their frusteration with themselves?

I want to be more on track by the time I turn 40. That gives me exactly a year. To start setting a goal that I can achieve. Not a bunch of goals that sound good but are unattainable. Realistically. I am not that hard to please. My dreams arent that far fetched.

So do I even know what I want?

Yes and No.

I think I do.

I want to be an artist. I want to be able to financially be an artist. At least to know that I can afford to make a go at it. Supplies are expensive.

I want to be the mom my kids are able to turn to for everything. And the person they want to turn to.

I want to travel the world. Especially Paris, London and the Caribbean. Nothing expensive and fancy just comfortable.

I want to have a job that makes me happy. By happy I mean a place that when I go there everyday I feel a sense of fullfillment. That I gave my all and it gave back to me.

What is so hard about that.

I want to visit art galleries, talk to interesting people. I want to serve mankind.

I just dont know exactly how to get there from here. From where I am.

Echos growing from the heart of twilight...

2008-01-20T13:12:00.001-06:00

It seems as though just as when I start to grab a footing I am given a new hurdle.When I think about it I should probably be well adapted to handle just about anything. Not to say that there isnt more I could go through, more lessons to learn, more bridges to cross. The saying goes that God will not give you more than you can handle. Interesting. Only because I must be alot stronger than I imagine. Everytime I get to the place where I dont think I can handle much more I get through it. I emerge on the other side. Not always victorious but unharmed. No permanent damage. So I start to think when is this all going to end for me? Will one day I not " get through" something. Will I end up a pile of goo? And if I am being made stronger by surviving all of these tests what am I being made stronger for? What is my purpose? Am I totally missing out on the message?

I sometimes wonder if I am truly alone in all of this? I believe that God is there. But when I am feeliing lost and full of despair do others notice? Or do I just seem like some miserable person who is a waste of time for others. Do others think I am weak or pathetic?

I just dont think I am as strong as I seem at times and that I am stronger at other times than people give me credit for.

I am just tired of being sick. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I dont want people to look at me and make assumptions. I want to be stronger and be able to do the things I want to do everyday. But sometimes its hard to be me when

Faith...the substance of things hoped for...

2007-09-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

Faith...you gotta have it. And I know I do. I rely on it because I am fully aware that I have a reason and a purpose for being on this planet and God has put things in order for me. That doesnt mean that the bad, hard times wont come or that I always willingly go along with the plan. But I do know in my heart that God is the author of my life so whatever happens will be for the good.

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a group of women I have worked side by side with for over 3 years. And even though I will be in the same hospital I will not get to work with them closely. Thats hard when they have become my family. Through surgeries, Cancer, life, kids, etc they were there. Holding my hand and making me smile.

Monday I have to put all of my faith in the prayers I have been praying. For God to open up doors for me at work. SO I can move up the food chain, so I can be more financially stable. I will start my new position with optimism. I know that I am probably not going to be welcomed with open arms and there are those who just plain dont like me down there. However, God is going to make it possible for me to be ok there and maybe even be a positive influence. I know that my new cowokers are good people. Maybe all the ill feelings towards me will change when they realize that we are all just people trying to get to the same finish line. Thats where my faith has to come in. Knowing in my heart that everything is going to be ok. That it may just be akward for awhile but it will get easier.

New Chapters

2007-09-26T07:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I accepted an offer and will therefore start a new chapter in my life. It wont be totally new or foreign to me. Same hospital, same department, different responsibilities. Im excited and scared. Scared because there is nothing wrong with what I am doing now. But when you get the chance to move up the ladder so to speak you take that chance. Im praying it is a good move for me. It is just nice to have your work noticed. SO....Monday will be the big day when my hours change, my responsibilities change and I take that big step into a new chapter. People who know me best will know how hard this is for me. Mainly because I have a hard time leaving things that allready perfect for me. I make strong relationships at work and I will miss working side by side with Karen, Susan, Shelly, Amy, Michaela, and Julie. They are my moms, sisters, friends and have been there for me through some really hard times. Its not like I wont see them at all anymore. But I wont be there day in and day out and wont be able to sit and talk. I will miss that. I know who I can count on and not. Going to a different part of the department will be hard. I know all of those people. I have worked with them. But I have never had to work day in and out with them. It will be good. Im just nervous. Will we be able to create the bonds that I have in my current job or will these people not want to go there. I feel it is important to have those relationships at work because you spend so much time with these people away from your family.
For me this new chapter is just an answer to a prayer that I put out there a while ago. I asked that God open up opportunities for me at Saint Elizabeth if they are in my best interest. So I have to trust that this is in Gods plan for me and to just go with it. I will miss my friends. However, I hope I make new friendships and business contacts. I hope that one day my chapter leads to even bigger possibilites at Saint Elizabeth.

The things my heart reaches for.

2007-09-25T03:37:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when I cant sleep and tossing in turning becomes a drag I try to think about what it is that is stirring in my mind. Obviously if I cant sleep then there must be things going on. Thoughts that are unfinished. I had a tough day today. Like most days just getting past the physical struggles is the hard part. Just wrestling with the fact that my young body is physically breaking down. That this person who used to be the one in the front of the line is slowly slipping towards the back. Thats frustrating.
So what else is stirring in my mind? Enough to keep this sleep lover awake at 3:30am? A laundry list of lifes little reminders that God is still here working in my life. Sending me tests.
Work is ......well work. The complexities of it arent rocket science but human relations. How do I put myself out there as a leader without looking like a snob. How to deal with the adults who have somehow never left junior high. How to deal with those who would rather spend their day making up crazy gossip about me than approach me as a person. And how do I embrace a new opportunity when I know it will take me from the people I love and care about at work?
I know that to grow you have to take chances. The pain comes when you know that your moving upward will change things. Make a relationship different. Maybe for the better...maybe not.
Then there is the things that always keep me the mom constantly worrying. My babies. My young adult children who will never quite comprehend how I feel about them until they are parents themselves. And then they will only know a part of it. Its like when you get pregnant you are also given this heart that will forever be growing and breaking and mending. Because being a mom is hard. Hard in the sense that for the rest of your life nothing will mean more to you than your babies and no one but you will know how deep that is. When you look at them and your heart cries because it loves them so deeply that you cant even express it enough. Yet you have to be the one who scolds them and disciplines them and then hope that they realize that it is because you LOVE THEM. Not because you are on a power trip or want to ruin their lives. And to want something so badly for them, even more than you have ever wanted something for yourself. And to see them sit on their gifts. My daughter has to be the most beautiful young lady I have ever seen. To the eye she is perfection. Yet she doesnt see that she is so much more than that. She can do anything. And she doesnt believe it. As a mom that is so frustrating. She had to believe it. Then she can have and do anything. I just pray that God helps her see that. My son is the high achiever. He wants it all and isnt afraid to go get it. But lately his head is somewhere else. I dont know. Is it me? Am I just so afraid he is going to get lost that I am paranoid?? I just know that the possibilities are endless for him. God please watch over him.
Then there is my dear husband. In about a week we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. And everyone didnt think we would make it. HA! I know that I had always wanted a wedding. A real wedding with the dress and the flowers and the music. And hoped that on our 20th we would do that. Unfortunately that wont happen. My sicknesses have put us financially behind. We wanted to go on a trip. Like to Canada and just explore. That too wont be our day. I have been racking my brain as to how to show my husband how special he is to me. We have been through alot. IT ALL. And God knows I am so different now than that 18 year old girl he married. THANK GOD! I know he misses parts of the old me. But I dont. I was meek and afraid. Im still meek and afraid at times but I wont compromise my own values for anyone anymore. I know what I want.
I am sitting here in my bed and wondering what is in the future for this 38 year old woman? What is it that God has in store for me? Am I getting close? Am I in the ballpark? Or am I totally turned around and lost?
My heart reaches for many things. Things colorful and creative. Things in which I can use my heart to heal others and places that feed my creative spirit. I dont expect to be rich in finances but would hope to someday be RICH. In heart, friends and joy. I reach for serenity and peace. I long for happiness. I want people to think of me the way I think of my grandparents. Or the way I think of my best friends. Strong and loving. Unmoveable and unstopable.
That will be my prayers for tomorrow. God make me unmoveable in my faith and unstopable in my dreams.

Save a Prayer

2007-09-25T03:31:00.000-05:00

You saw me standing by the wall, Corner of a main street.
And the lights are flashing on your window sill.
All alone ain't much fun, So you're looking for the thrill.
And you know just what it takes and where to go.

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after

Feel the breeze deep on the inside,
Look you down into your well
If you can, you'll see the world in all his fire
Take a chance (Like all dreamers can't find another way)
You don't have to dream it all, just live a day

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after,
Save it till the morning after

Pretty looking road,
Try to hold the rising floods that fill my skin
Don't ask me why I'll keep my promise,
Melt the ice
And you wanted to dance
so I asked you to dance
But fear is in your soul
Some people call it a one night stand
But we can call it paradise

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save a prayer 'til the morning after