We should really probably add “volume 1″ to the title of this post since there will surely be many, many more things to say about Bieber in the weeks, months, and years to come. And may we give a warm Say Funny Things welcome to the rage filled teenage girls who have come here to defend their hero. Bring it!

Funny Things To Say About Steven Tyler Becoming A Judge On American Idol

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries. And if you missed out on the fun the first time around, leave your funnies in the comments.

And could you hand us the remote? Surely there’s some football on…

Have you ever been caught in flagrante delecto, by your friend, with your friend’s wife? Boy, who hasn’t?!

Most people would be tongue-tied in that situation, not really sure what to say. That’s where Say Funny Things can help.

Funny things to say when your friend catches you with his wife.

1. I thought I saw a mouse crawl up there, and I was trying to scare it out.
2. This is awkward. I thought you were the plumber.
3. I learned it from watching you, alright!
4. TAAA-DAAAAAA!!!
5. Good thing you weren’t here 20 minutes ago. Boy, you’d really have been pissed.
6. If you could see the look on your face … oh wait, you can! We were filming!
7. What’s the big deal, it’s not like I’m the first guy to do this.
8. I’m so small, this will make her appreciate you more, bro!
9. Hey, did you know she can put her heels behind her head?
10. Where do you keep the honey?
11. You’re next.
12. Is it alright that I used a couple of your Viagra? I’ll pay you back.
13. Did you know she was that loud?
14. Tag me back in when you get tired.
15. Who wants pizza?
16. You said, “What’s mine is yours.”
17. See you in church, Pastor.
18. I’d better get going. Your sister wanted me to stop by her place on my way home.
19. Hey man, can I get that 20 bucks you owe me?
20. Dude, I’m not  into ass play, not sure what she was trying to do there!  Don’t tell the guys, ok?

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries. And if you missed out on the fun the first time around, leave your funnies in the comments.

Now pardon us while we go ice our black eyes…

It’s official: the Captain America movie will be released in 2011, just in time for comic fan boys to wake up from their post-self-coital nap in their moms’ basements. Since it’s the dream of most Marvel fans to meet ol’ Cap in person, we wondered what would be the best thing to say to America’s Superhero.

Funny Things To Say When You Meet Captain America

1. Bet you’re not so tough without that shield, are ya?
2. Can you get me the Green Lantern’s autograph?
3. I forget … were you WWF or WCW?
4. Is it true that the Super Soldier serum shriveled up your junk?
5. Wonder Twin powers, Activate!
6. Hmmm. You can’t fly, have no Xray vision, don’t use lasers and don’t have a sidekick? Can I just call you “Steve?”
7. Dude … Gay Day is in May!
8. Off the third pillar from the left, off Lincoln’s head, and bounced off the back of Glenn Beck’s head, or I get your Big Mac.
9. I thought the Blue Man Group tour left town a few weeks ago.
10. Wow … I see you’re a gentile.
11. So you’re just like Batman, but without the belt, huh?
12. I want my weed or my money by ten o’clock or we got big problems, capiche Cap’n?
13. Here, try some Milk Thistle, that Super Soldier serum can be hell on the liver…
14. Brock Lesnar could totally kick your ass!
15. Shouldn’t you be in Afghanistan right now?

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries. Or just look for the drunk guys in the blue spandex nut-huggers.

And don’t just leave the funny up to us,  be a hero and do us one better in the comments.

Our friend Dick (yeah, that’s his name, not a redeeming quality) is a reporter and interviewed a plumber for a DIY home improvement segment about bathrooms last week. At one point in the interview, talking about fixing toilets, the guy said — on camera — “Most of the time, you just need a good ballcock adjustment.” After Dick pissed himself, he told us about it and we thought of some more stuff to say while chatting with a ballcock adjuster.

Funny Things To Say When Your Plumber Mentions A Ballcock Adjustment

1. I’ve “dressed left” for years, but now my pants are all snug on the right.
2. I sure could use one. I keep walking in circles.
3. Should I turn and cough?
4. My flap keeps leaking.
5. Is it true that side effects of a misadjusted ballcock may include dizziness, headaches, dry mouth, and longing for days gone by?
6. Time for another ballcock adjustment. Caught my wife using the neighbor’s toilet again.
7. Is it true I’ll go blind if I keep “jiggling the handle?”
8. It burns when I pee.
9. I heard if your flap continues to leak for more than four hours, you should call your doctor.
10. My tank overfloweth, if you know what I mean.
11. Is that what’s caused the seeping around my O-ring?

Not bad for a joke list about one work, huh? But don’t leave the funny up to us. Add your funny ballcock line in the comments.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries. And if you follow us really closely, you’ll see our butt cracks.

You’ll have to forgive me for the hiatus, I’ve been on a meditation retreat for the past three months, doing some serious, deep soul searching.

Turns out I’m an opinionated smartass. So I’m back with a trunk full of smartassery. First item on the agenda is addressing the recent release of a certain famous firecracker of a woman from a stint in jail and rehab. Please enjoy, and rest assured, there’s plenty more in the pipeline!

Funny Things To Say About Lindsay Lohan’s Return To Society

1. The one thing the gossip media always seems to forget about, what with their hating on her, is that Lindsay Lohan is a hot ass. Just sayin.
2. $750 and the over on October 15 for when L.A. runs out of blow.
3. Dear California judges, any way you could send her over to my place for a spankin’ next time she acts out?
4. Welcome back Linds, stay attractive, keep making out with girls and we’re cool. I don’t care what anybody else says about ya!
5. Glad you’re out of rehab and can finally work again, and, wait, Lindsay, no! That’s table sugar, no, stop it, you can’t snort that!
6. Nice ankle bracelet, convict!
7. One thing I’ll say: if the damn law had deprived the world of seeing her play Linda Lovelace, it would have been a tragedy. Let me repeat that: SHE IS SIGNED ON TO PLAY LINDA LOVELACE.
8. Hey Lindsay! Marie Osmond or Dana Plato? Pick one and stick to it, would ya?
9. If you could, bring it with some crazy tweets please, we’ve missed them!
10. Damn! First O.J. Now this? Can y’all not keep a mo-fo in the pen, Cali?
11. I know you hate paparazzi but how else would we forget about our own boring, worthless lives.
12. More thigh high boots please. Thanks!
13. Seriously media, why the hate? I am still trying to figure out how a 24 year old, hot blooded, red headed, Maserati driving, club hopping, Marlboro Red smoking, rebellious wild child is anything other than awesome?
14. Sweet. She’s one bender away from a Tommy Lee sex Tape.
15. Here’s hoping that you somehow find a way to reunite with Rachel McAdams and become a bad influence on her!
16. Rumor has it Disney digitally altered her breasts to make them look smaller for the Herbie flick? Petition for an unrated version of Herbie? Who’s with me?

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries.

Now go somewhere quiet, breathe deep, get centered, focus, and think of some smartassed comments to leave.

Giggles has either been arrested, is in rehab or died. Me? I’ve been busy conducing sensitivity training at Mel Gibson’s place. Either way, we’re both out of comedy-writing shape. Consider us the Albert Haynesworth of humor bloggers. As a tribute to our now three straight months of having no posts, here’s Funny Things To Say When Your Blog Dies.

1. Just figured Chris Brogan would post here, too.
2. What can I say? Tiger’s wife had to turn to somebody.
3. Giggles got a six-month shipment of some red-tipped Jamaican trip-weed. Need I say more?
4. Sorry … remembered how much more satisfying it was to spend my nights and weekends masturbating.
5. Busy summer. The only other thing we know how to do is drill relief wells.
6. Figured out all those “Six-Figure” bloggers made six figures blowing each other and called it a day.
7. I Twittered “arrested” from Egypt, too. You fuckers responded with, “Not original. #fail.”
8. Funny or Die paid us to not be their competition for a while.
9. Deathly afraid if our blog continued to rise in popularity, Loren Feldman would make Shits and Giggles sock puppets.
10. Have been hard at work sharpening our skills as social media gurus.
11. We thought a feed trough full of bourbon, a car battery and Giggles naked would make for a good Tosh.0 vid.
12. Apparently writing “assassination” and “President Obama” in the same blog post isn’t such a good idea.

Remember, if you leave the funny up to us and us alone, you don’t get any for three months. Kinda like being married, only we’re the chicks. Add your funny line in the comments and we’ll all laugh, then go masturbate.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate before the fact next time, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for our calls for entries. And if you follow us really closely, you can watch for bodily fluids.

While the world is going to shit before our very eyes (oil spills, volcanoes, earthquakes, lack of funds to download the Kendra sex tape) all we can think about is how bad it sucks to wait in line at the DMV. Join us!

Funny Things To Say At The DMV

1. I got number 624, way better than last time! Kill me.
2. Can I get a Jack and Coke?
3. Weren’t you in the cheese line yesterday, too?
4. Officer, for God’s sake, please find a way to fail the angry teenager in the Slayer shirt.
5. I know we all hate a rat but I gotta tell ya, there’s no way that guy’s car meets emission requirements. Dude’s car smelled like the BP oil spill rolling up in here.
6. Goddamnit, I want rock horns in the shot, bitch!
7. What’s the over-under on that woman over there having head lice?
8. Jeeze, who do I have to blow around here to get my registration renewed? Oh God, put it away, it was a figure of speech!
9. Can you get “BIG DIK” allowed on vanity plates?
10. Where do I plead?
11. What do you mean you don’t take food stamps?
12. What’s the make and model, why that would be a MERCEDES BENZ!
13. Fuck this. Where do I get a bus pass?
14. Man, you ain’t got any special edition Stone Cold Steve Austin plates I could get, do ya?

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. And hit us up if you’re bored, we’ll still be in line…

We’re trying to get in touch with our spiritual side, but I think we’re doing it wrong. It’s the only way we can think to explain the fiendish nightmares, the dodging of falling pianos, the crazy homeless guy standing outside the door holding a sign that reads, REPENT! We thought about it but decided eh, hell with it, we’re posting this anyway…

Funny Things To Say At A Monastery

1. Anything
2. Oh, rice again. Great.
3. The vestal virgins await … the vestal virgins await … the vestal virgins await …
4. So, is everyone here named Thelonious?
5. I’m ordering pizza, who’s got five on some Papa John’s?
6. Rinzen, did you take my Tupac cd?
7. You know I just realized, these robes clash with my eyeliner.
8. Tell ya’ll what, I’ve tried pussy and watermelon, and I’ve tried meditating. And, well, I’m outta here!
9. At one monastery, all monks chant “good morning.” someone goofs and another exclaims, “someone chanted evening!” (from @fichtnerbass)
   
10. Is it defeating the purpose if I meditate on Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage?
11. I’ll give you $100 and a blow job if you’ll break your vow of silence!
12. Hold on, hold on. Catholic? I thought this was fuckin’ Lutheran! SHIT!
13. WWJD? Pretty sure he wouldn’t settle for this when his pops blessed us with Select Comfort, that’s what!
14. Break out the wine, my brothers! The flat screen has arrived!
15. Hey man, you got any thermals I can borrow? My nuts are freezing in this robe!
16. The doors of my perception have been cleansed, and much to my surprise it turns out NWA was right, life ain’t nothin but bitches and money!
17. No 3G? Are you fucking serious? My ipad is useless to me here!

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. Now if you’ll excuse us while we go dodge lightning bolts…