While the world is going to shit before our very eyes (oil spills, volcanoes, earthquakes, lack of funds to download the Kendra sex tape) all we can think about is how bad it sucks to wait in line at the DMV. Join us!

Funny Things To Say At The DMV

1. I got number 624, way better than last time! Kill me.
2. Can I get a Jack and Coke?
3. Weren’t you in the cheese line yesterday, too?
4. Officer, for God’s sake, please find a way to fail the angry teenager in the Slayer shirt.
5. I know we all hate a rat but I gotta tell ya, there’s no way that guy’s car meets emission requirements. Dude’s car smelled like the BP oil spill rolling up in here.
6. Goddamnit, I want rock horns in the shot, bitch!
7. What’s the over-under on that woman over there having head lice?
8. Jeeze, who do I have to blow around here to get my registration renewed? Oh God, put it away, it was a figure of speech!
9. Can you get “BIG DIK” allowed on vanity plates?
10. Where do I plead?
11. What do you mean you don’t take food stamps?
12. What’s the make and model, why that would be a MERCEDES BENZ!
13. Fuck this. Where do I get a bus pass?
14. Man, you ain’t got any special edition Stone Cold Steve Austin plates I could get, do ya?

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. And hit us up if you’re bored, we’ll still be in line…

We’re trying to get in touch with our spiritual side, but I think we’re doing it wrong. It’s the only way we can think to explain the fiendish nightmares, the dodging of falling pianos, the crazy homeless guy standing outside the door holding a sign that reads, REPENT! We thought about it but decided eh, hell with it, we’re posting this anyway…

Funny Things To Say At A Monastery

1. Anything
2. Oh, rice again. Great.
3. The vestal virgins await … the vestal virgins await … the vestal virgins await …
4. So, is everyone here named Thelonious?
5. I’m ordering pizza, who’s got five on some Papa John’s?
6. Rinzen, did you take my Tupac cd?
7. You know I just realized, these robes clash with my eyeliner.
8. Tell ya’ll what, I’ve tried pussy and watermelon, and I’ve tried meditating. And, well, I’m outta here!
9. At one monastery, all monks chant “good morning.” someone goofs and another exclaims, “someone chanted evening!” (from @fichtnerbass)
   
10. Is it defeating the purpose if I meditate on Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage?
11. I’ll give you $100 and a blow job if you’ll break your vow of silence!
12. Hold on, hold on. Catholic? I thought this was fuckin’ Lutheran! SHIT!
13. WWJD? Pretty sure he wouldn’t settle for this when his pops blessed us with Select Comfort, that’s what!
14. Break out the wine, my brothers! The flat screen has arrived!
15. Hey man, you got any thermals I can borrow? My nuts are freezing in this robe!
16. The doors of my perception have been cleansed, and much to my surprise it turns out NWA was right, life ain’t nothin but bitches and money!
17. No 3G? Are you fucking serious? My ipad is useless to me here!

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. Now if you’ll excuse us while we go dodge lightning bolts…

It’s that time of year again, when NBA players actually, you know, PLAY BASKETBALL. So throw on your favorite throwback and throw back a few while we wax sarcastic on that ass with…

Funny Things To Say Watching The NBA Playoffs

1. Orlando and Atlanta? Is there a “Watching Paint Dry” channel.
2. Oh now there’s a shock, Kevin Garnett is being an asshole.
3. I believe  Mr. Zen Master Phil Jackson  led the Lakers in a guided meditation called “not playing like shit.”
4. San Antonio: Where amazingly boring basketball happens.
5. Pretty sure Vitale said Duke will win.
6. Methinks maybe Ron Ron should spend less time at the hairdresser and more time studying the triangle.
7. Your attention please: Stan Van Gundy will not be attending tonight’s press conference due to concerns he may bite his tongue off in an effort to refrain from comments about officiating.
8. I wonder if “try not to be distracted by the shape of his head” is on Jason Terry’s scouting report.
9. Please God, not the Spurs, anybody but the Spurs, watching them is worse than watching soccer.
10. New nickname for when the regular season ends and the playoffs begin: Dirk Choke-itzki.
11. It’s bad enough to be dunked on like that by Lebron, but when his nuts graze your forehead in the process, well that’s just humiliating.
12. Every time I see Steve Nash play, I reach for a fly swatter. Not sure why.
13. Right Cavs, no need to panic, you only lost home court advantage to a team full of All-Stars.
14. For every time the announcers mention Avatar, we get to kick Mark Cuban in the balls.
15. I believe if they had cut back to the studio after that play we’d find that Sir Charles shit his pants.
16. Less Kobe slo-mo. More Laker girls. Please.

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And while you’re watching try not to think about what a perv Marv Albert is when he calls out,  “Oh! A facial!” Really, we’re sorry for even pointing that out.

One of us recently had the good fortune to take a vacation to Los Angeles, where one of us had floor seats to the Lakers.

You have permission to seethe with bitter envy, we totally understand.

And now, with our mind on our money and our money on our mind we proudly present…

Funny Things To Say Vacationing In L.A.

1. I don’t know what they were talking about, driving on the 405 isn’t that ba…HOLY SHIT !
2. Now this is a dating pool, you could strike out nine thousand times and still land a hottie.
3. Tofu? If I wanted to eat sponges I’d have been a plankton.
4. It’s all good, in L.A. you don’t have to come to a complete stop, they call it “the California roll,” I read about it in a book. Fuck, I think we’re getting pulled over.
5. Let’s head down to the Sunset Strip. I hear every third tourist there gets a free overdose.
6. Legal pot, gay marriage, a the largest city run by Jews and you can’t elect a Democrat for shit … W-T-F-ywood?
7. Let’s see, the restaurant is five miles away, so if we leave right after lunch we should make it in time for dinner.
8. I’m not sure what all that verde, vande, grande bullshit is. Can I get a large coffee, please?
9. Why yes, that is a woman with a Hermes’ bag standing next to a homeless man eating out of the garbage can. Welcome to Hollywood, bitches!
10. What do you mean Fabio doesn’t have a star?
11. If you’ll look over here you’ll see the Capitol Records building, and just over this way you’ll see a total shit hole.
12. Ma’am. Would you please stop poking me with your dick?
13. Shit, I think you set the GPS for “The Hood.”
14. Free O.J.!
15. Dear Los Angeles, we want our hot women back! Sincerely, Every Other City In America.
16. I’ll give you $1,000 if you can spell the name of your governor.
17. I’m glad you like my southern accent, wanna fuck?
18. If you could speed up a little so I can get past the angry gentleman waving his AK that would be great. Thanks.
19. The trip would be perfect if only we could blow some greenery with Snoop.

Please, we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And now back to real life, so long Jack, so long Kobe, so long all you fine fine women.

Passing gas in public is perhaps one of the more uncomfortable moments we all encounter. But there’s no reason to let the moment make you feel as wet and slimy inside as you perhaps do on the out. Here’s some funny one-liners to spout off to lighten the mood as much as you’ve lightened your load.

Funny Things To Say Passing Gas

1. Why yes, I was in the marching band. Why do you ask?
2. Dude? Did you just cough in your pants? (from @danieljohnsonjr)
3. Run for the border. That’s Taco Bell.
4. Betchya can’t top that!
5. You should thank me for that. Your cologne is just awful.
6. Mmmmm. If only I could put that on a sammich!
7. Damnit! I just increased my carbon footprint! (from @guhmshoo)
8. I’m sorry, did you say something?
9. If it had a name, it would be Stinky McJesus.
10. Well, there goes my aromatherapy license. (from @ikepigott)
11. Quick … I’m going to need mouth-to-mouth.
12. Relax. You didn’t get any on ya. I, on the other hand …
13. It actually smells better if you open your mouth when you breathe in.
14. Bet that wouldn’t happen if I weren’t such a flaming homosexual.
15. If Earth can do it, so can I. (from @ikepigott)
16. Gotta bottle or something? We need to capture that for research purposes.
17. The olfactory equivalent of Rush Limbaugh, at your service.
18. I’m here all week. Tip your wait staff.
19. (Bow) Anyone for an encore?

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow@sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And now if you’ll excuse us, we … well, just excuse us.

Here at Say Funny Things we’re too busy pondering the complexities of good bourbon and beer to spend time picking out the perfect ironic tee shirt, but never too busy to take a few minutes out of our day to make fun of those who do!

Funny Things To Say At A Hipster Bar

1. How come everyone in here is dressed like Napoleon Dynamite? (A friend of a friend who hadn‘t ever been introduced to hipster culture, really asked this question upon his first visit to a hipster bar.)
2. Somebody please tell me how this many people think it is acceptable to wear skinny jeans?
3. Fuck this shit, I’m goin’ to Hooters!
4. She’d be really hot if it wasn’t for the skunk hair and stupid clothes. And bathing … she’d need to bathe too.
5. How ’bout them Cubs?
6. One more day without shaving and you’ll nail the complete douchebag look.
7. Dude, how come there’s not any Nickelback on the jukebox?
8. What the hell did your parents DO to you?
9. What? I couldn’t hear you over the deafening roar of pretentiousness.
10. You realize PBR tastes like shit, right?
11. Admit it, you totally like that Ke$ha song.
12. Damn. Spilled something … ANYONE HAVE AN EXTRA PAIR OF KHAKIS?
13. Those shoes are great, and by “great” I mean, why don’t you get some fucking Jordans or something?
14. Can I get a Blue Moon? Don’t forget the orange!
15. You think Dale Junior’s got a chance in at Darlington this weekend?
16. Must be nice to have enough of your parent’s money to pretend to be poor.
17. Fake intellectualism is so much better than actually being smart. I think I’ve found my place in the world!
18. ARCADE FIRE SUCKS!
19. If seven million of you wear white belts you realize it’s no longer unique, right?

Well, the Final Four is set and WTF? We don’t claim any bias here at Say Funny Things, but everyone hates Duke. In their honor, we’re proud to present today list, which we’re certain will be rejected by the Dean.

Funny Things To Say To Duke Fans

1. 

   Couldn't find a picture of a Dachshund growling. Sue me.

   Is Duke German for Douche?

2. Which costs more? Stocking the selection committee or Dick Vitale? Just curious.
3. Wow! Even your black dudes look white.
4. We’ve contacted Tuskeegee and the coaching staff may borrow some vowels.
5. What conference did you win this year, the Big South?
6. Is it true the Cameron Crazies jump up and down all the time because Coach K won’t let them go pee?
7. John Scheyer? Oh, you mean Christian Laettner with less reason to be a peckerhead?
8. I agree Coach K is amazing. Hard to believe one man could father that many Dachshunds.
9. You should check out this site I like. It’s called Fark.com.
10. His girlfriend wouldn’t tell me, so I have to ask you. What’s it like being Tyler Hansbrough’s bitch?

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And now if you’ll excuse us, we need to get back to practicing our, um, ball handling skills.

It’s time to recuperate after four straight days of beer and basketball. Drink plenty of water, take plenty of aspirin, and restock the beer fridge, cause we start it all again on Thursday!

Funny Things To Say During March Madness

1. C’mon, man. Switch over to the women’s games.
2. And on color, Duke Vitale.
3. Where do you have Carolina and UCLA in your bracket?
4. I’m only going to say this once, dear. Monday! Monday is when I can once again give a shit about your needs. kthnxbi.
5. There haven’t been this many broken brackets since Oprah moved the wool coats from storage to the closet. (from @ikepigott)
   
6. If Clark Kellogg says “squeeze the orange” one more time I am going to shoot myself in the fucking face.
7. Bill Raftery doesn’t speak English does he?
8. Damnit. Where’s the fucking brie?
9. Let’s go DUKE! What? Stop throwing shit at me, it was a JOKE!
10. Why can’t Gus Johnson call every game in every sport ever?
11. Whatever happened to them wearing daisy dukes on the court? (From @McGoo298)
    
12. That’s almost as funny as, I don’t know, Cornell making the sweet 16.
13. Isn’t Gonzaga a cheese?
14. Where did Seth Davis played college ball?
15. My bracket is busted like Tiger Woods on a porn star.
16. I’d say June 1 is the over-under on when Kentucky’s appearance is vacated.

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And now if you’ll excuse us, we need to get back to practicing our, um,  ball handling skills.

This is what happens when you combine a late-night Nanny marathon with one (or two, or twelve) too many drinks … (well, there’s also the inappropriate thoughts about Fran Drescher, but never mind that part…)

Funny Things To Say Interviewing A Nanny

1. How much experience do you have removing blood stains from carpet?
2. Tell me about a time you had a torrid, filthy affair with a married man. Please provide specifics.
3. Just to clarify, the listing had a misprint, but one kid … seven kids … what’s the difference, right?
4. How comfortable are you with the idea of working for a raging tyrant?
5. So … do those breasts come with the package or … um … not my package … your package … deal? Hired. (from @bankdraft)
6. Tickle your ass with a feather?
7. What, exactly, in your opinion constitutes a “demon possessed” child?
8. Here’s the kitchen, over here is the dining room, and back here is the sexual torture chamber. Haha, just kidding. I’m going to kill you. Sorry, still joking.
9. So, how good are your reflexes? (from @chococherrychip)
10. It is imperative to me that I have a Nanny with good taste in music working with my children. Having said that, where does Face Down, Ass Up by 2LiveCrew stand on your all time favorite song list?
11. How many children who were not your own have you breast fed?
12. Would you consider wearing a naughty schoolgirl outfit whenever the missus is away?
13. Do you own a bullet proof vest or shall we provide one?
14. What do you think about giving mild electrical shocks to disobedient children?
15. On weeks the money is tight, is it okay to pay you in weed?
16. Tell me about a situation where the police were called to the residence where you worked because an overzealous child blew half the roof off of the house while doing a “science experiment.” What steps did you take to resolve this?
17. One of our former Nannies was all bent out of shape by a little game we play around here called “Shot of Maker’s for Every Correct Answer On Your Homework.” Totally not a big deal, right?

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And for God’s sake, don’t really reward your children with bourbon, save it for yourself!

Warning: Guys, do NOT actually say these things during sex. Doing so could result in spending your evenings uh, “addressing Mr. Palmer” when you could have been uh, you know, “taking the ole skin boat to tuna town.”  (Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh track.)

What we’re getting at here is that these things can take you from the stage in your life called “getting laid” and thrust you into a far less desirable phase of your life called “not getting laid.”
Ladies, say whatever you want during sex. Once you turn us on it’s impossible to turn us off. Until, you know, three, or maybe even four minutes later, whereupon we go eat a sandwich and watch Sportscenter before turning in for the night…
Anyway, FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY:

Funny Things To Say During Sex

1. Next!
2. Wow. Keep that up and we’ll wake up the kids.
3. Was that pepper spray? Because i suddenly feel a burning sensation… (from @PattyPunker)
   
4. Let’s see, Yankees won the World Series in 2009, Phillies won it in 2008, Boston in 2007, shit, am I saying this out loud?
5. DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?
6. OW! Apparently the last dude in left his keys.
7. Hey, you said it was bigger! (from @DarthOpto)
   
8. You don’t mind if I call you Scarlett do you?
9. And that would be my zoom zoom in your boom boom.
10. Oh pop pop, did you put on your old spice just for me?(from @PattyPunker)
    
11. Check out this move baby, I call it “the sidewinder!”
12. Man, I gotta pee!
13. Damn girl, I think the state of our union is STRONG.
14. Oh, I hope my swarovski crystals don’t break the condom… (from @PattyPunker)
    
15. How about a little role play? You pretend you’re a Haitian earthquake survivor and I’m a naughty rescue worker. What? Too soon?
16. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17. Herc-a-leez, Herc-a-leez, Herc-a-leez!
18. Wow, you’re nothing like those porn chicks.
19. I’m really excited that, one day, even the Jonas Brothers will get to experience this.
20. Sorry, I’m just a little more comfortable having sex with Denise.
21. How about I put on a little Paul Wall to set the mood?
22. Okay … THAT ought to finally get me some butt sex.
23. Oops!
24. For the love of GOD woman! You do not talk during sex!

Please … we’re not the only people qualified to be funny. In fact, we’re not qualified to do much of anything. Add your funny line in the comments. We’ll gladly laugh at you, too.

Say Funny Things posts are often crowdsourced on Twitter. To participate in future funnies, follow @sayfunnythings on Twitter and watch for calls for entries. If you have an idea, send us a message there. And could we cuddle for a minute before you go? Otherwise we’ll just feel cheap and used. Heh, as if that’s a bad thing…