I love the newswoman’s reaction best. “Al…right!”

Garfield Minus Garfield.

A looong time ago, someone thought it’d be a great idea to remove all the speech bubbles from the title character of the Garfield comic strip. I don’t know who first thought of this, but the results were hilarious. More hilarious, in fact, than any actual Garfield strip has ever been, ever.

I mean honestly.

With that goldmine of joy all but used up, Garfield Minus Garfield takes it one step further. What if the character Garfield the cat were removed from his strip altogether? That would leave only Jon.

Jon, and one of the saddest, funniest, and strangest glimpses into the mind of a lonely madman…

This one is by far my favorite

Suddenly it’s not as light-hearted without the cat commentary.

Sob, sob.

This site is definitely worth adding to your list of daily reads.

You can fish in the summer! Fish may not be delicious to everyone, but they always are if you catch them yourself. That tasty flavor is not fish, it’s pride.

All you need is a pole, some fishing line, a hook, some bait, maybe a bobber…probably a net, and something to string the fish up, and a bucket…maybe a cooler. Probably you’ll want some snacks too. And drinks, definitely. Hand sanitizer too. Pliers. Scissors. A stomach of steel.

One of summer’s simplest joys!

Here are a few fish you might find in the summer!

1. Catfish!

Hi! I’m a catfish! Oh hey, a hook, let’s swallow it as deep as possible because my lips are thicker than any fish’s should be, and it’d go down easy I think. Also I like to hurt people. And hey check out my creepy slimy worm skin. And my whiskers aren’t hair they’re just extensions of me; they have nerves and everything. Also i eat poop. Actually, I’m kind of a despicable fish.

2. Bluegill!

Hello! I’m small and cute and my belly is yellow. I’m not that hard to catch so you think it’ll be fun reeling me in and then you realize the second I hit the ground I’m completely covered in spiky horrible fins that cut you. Also, since I’m a fish and therefore filthy, look forward to that cut getting infected! Woohoo!

3. Crappie

Yeah with a name like that I really don’t beat around the bush.

There are hundreds of fish out there waiting to be caught some fine summer evening! Go wild! Did you know that while goldfish crackers are delicious, actual goldfish are pretty terrible for eating? Now you know!

But do not let the rest of this wonderful season pass you by! Here at SNTC headquarters, we want you to enjoy your time to the fullest, especially these sweet summer days, and so here are some notable attractions for you to notice and appreciate this season.

Chapter 1: Berries!

Berries! Berries are delicious fruit. They grow and ripen in the summer! Did you know berries actually do not grow in little perforated plastic containers in your grocer’s fruit section? They grow outdoors! In summer! Here are a few of the most enjoyable berries you may come across this summer…

Strawberries

Hi! We are strawberries! We grow low to the ground on vines. Our seeds are on the outside, so you can’t tell if you’re biting into a delicious clean fruit, or a terrible abomination covered in tiny bugs. It looks the same! Woohoo! In the wild, we are sweet and tart and an adventure! In the market, we’re mostly bruised and the ones on the bottom are probably fuzzy and smell bad. Terrific!

Blackberries

Did you know that before it was a phone, the blackberry was a fruit? It’s true!

We are blackberries! We grow on tall bushes that are conveniently covered in terrible thorns, in areas where there are plenty of trees to block any wind! Nice and hot and stagnant air, perfect for summer berrypicking! Oh yeah! All the best, biggest, juiciest blackberries grow at the very top, where you have to impale yourself thousands of times to reach us. Hope you don’t like skin on your arms as much as you enjoy tiny berry clusters filled with tough little seeds. Our seeds are just small enough to get permanently wedged in your molars! Hooray!

Mulberries

We grow on super tall trees! We are strange and sweet and alluring. We stain everything we touch, and attract every brand of bug and bird (watch what you’re eating)! Party time! Also, heaven help the poor sap who decides to park his car under a mulberry tree! The birds’ poop is pink, man! Fantastic!

Raspberries

Eh, we’re okay I guess.

There are MANY kinds of berries out in the summer wilderness for you to investigate! Do not let these days slip by - SNTC says: summer is AWESOME.

Essentially, a young woman feels a vibrating sensation under her clothes all day but ignores it as her cell phone. After about five hours though, she has a look and discovers a tiny sleeping bat nestled in her bosom.

Awww, why wouldn’t you want one of those cuddling you in close quarters? I mean, besides the rabies and them being flying rats oh heavens oh no.

The bat was gently removed and set free, and I am completely confused. I mean, I can understand the movement being confusing. It’s not one’s first instinct to conclude an animal must be crawling around in one’s clothes - cell phone seemed a pretty rational reasoning there. But…bats are mammals, right? They produce heat? How do you not notice a tiny little heater in your clothes?

But however it happened, this might be one of the first bats to reach second base.

Aaaaaannnnd good night.

I’m still recuperating from the trip and car troubles, but in case any of you have some leftover fireworks and a lazy friend, here’s an idea for how to use them most efficiently:

A firework alarm clock. I think I could sleep through that.

By the way, don’t actually try that.

So a baby seal walks into a club…

Congratulations, Cheeseduck on your horrifying joke!

I don’t get it guys…

In second place was Pancake’s:

So a blind guy walks into a bookstore, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs, and begins swinging him around in circles. The store clerk runs up to him and shouts “What are you doing?!” The blind guy says “Just having a look around.”

Congratulations.

What is with you guys and animal abuse? But I’m glad you all enjoyed yourselves and submitted some new (and some old) favorites to share. Next time someone starts an old tired chestnut, you now have a newly loaded arsenal to try out.

Submissions by MG:

1. A pimple walks into a diner. The waiter/waitress asks-”what’ll ya have?” The pimple says-”a pop.”

2. an egg walks into a chicken farm. The egg says-”where have I seen this before?!”

3. a black widow slinks into a combo insect/arachnid diner. The waiter says: “we don’t serve your kind in here!” Black widow: “You know what? You kinda remind me of my ex husband.”
Waiter: what’ll you have?!

Submitted by thisbobandbill

4. A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, “What’ll you have?”

The duck says, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender spits and says “We don’t have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!”
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, irritated, says, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!”

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. “I told you two times we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: “Got any nails?”

The bartender, puzzled, said “No.”

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, “Got any pickles?”

5. Three men walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Submitted by Melody:

6. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

7. A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle. A guy says to him “Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you’ll fly right back in. Watch.” So the man in the bar le aps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room. The other man says “WOW! I want to try!” So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground. The bartender says to the first man, “Geeze Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”

Submitted by Rman:

8. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Submitted by CheeseDuck:

9. So a baby seal walks into a club…

Submitted by Drea:

10. A whale walks into a bar and sits down next to another whale. They sit in silence, watching the game for awhile. The first whale then turns to the second whale and asks:
“Do you know what the score is?”
The second whale looks at him in astonishment and says: “Holy Crap, a talking whale!”

I’ve heard a similar joke, but mine involved talking muffins.

Submission by Lonnie:

11. Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender “Gimme a drink”…

The bartender says “hey, we don’t serve animals in here”…

The bear says “gimme a drink or I’ll eat this woman right here”…

The bartender still refuses, and the bear eats the woman right up. “Gimme a drink, now”, he says.

The bartender, steadfast, says “we don’t serve animals, and we certainly don’t serve animals on drugs.”

The bear seems taken aback, “on drugs?”

The bartender: “Well, that was a bar bitch you ate”…

(read the last line out loud if you don’t get it)…

Bonus points for the pun, points lost for TV appropriate curse and the necessity to explain.

12. Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind.”

“Why not, I’m a fun guy?”

13. Horse walks into a bar, bartender says “why the long face?”

Lonnie hears a request for “fresh meat” and delivers “dead horse” with that last one…

Submitted by Pancake:

14. So a blind guy walks into a bookstore, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs, and begins swinging him around in circles. The store clerk runs up to him and shouts “What are you doing?!” The blind guy says “Just having a look around.”

Finally, a disqualified but funny submission Flüge USA:

What does an Englishman do, after he won Fifa Soccer World Cup? He turns of his Playstation:)

I don’t think you quite read the instructions there, sir. That’s a “What does a ___ do when ____?” joke. Maybe that’ll be our next contest, but this one is just for people walking into places ;).

It’s about time we got some fresh meat when it comes to “So a thing walks into another thing…” jokes. I mean, we’ve all heard the same tired six jokes and they almost always begin with some religious figures entering an establishment that sells alcohol.

So: in way similar to the caption contests we host here now and again, I want us to have a joke contest. You guys submit your very best “Person walks into a Place” jokes, and then I’ll compile them for you to vote on, and the winner feels good and gets a lot of people sharing their joke!

It can be an obscure joke, it can be an original joke, just so long as it is:

• Clean - seriously. It’s a clean humor website, dirty jokes won’t make it through.
• Funny - though that’s for the readers to decide I guess.

Go hog wild! Here are a few of my personal favorites:

A man walked into a bar. It hurt.

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks, “Do you sell flip-flips?”

A rope tries to enter a bar but sees that the owners won’t serve ropes. He ties himself into a bow and tears at his ends and enters.
“Say,” said the bartender, “Aren’t you a rope?”
“No,” said the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

A woman walks into a library and approaches the counter.
“I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please,” she says.
The librarian looks at her confusedly and says, “Ma’am, this is a library.”
“Oh!” cries the woman, embarrased. “I’m sorry.”
She then whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please.”

I’m looking forward to yours!

I like Coldplay. Specifically, I like their new album. If you don’t mind the simpler, abstracter (holy cow that’s a word) kind of music style employed by Coldplay and Coldplay-like bands (I admit it’s not for everybody), I recommend you purchase this album. If you liked Rush of Blood to the Head or simply know their few hits and were intrigued…if X&Y was a miss for you and you thought they’d maybe lost it, this is a Good Album. It’s simple but technically sound, it’s abstract but thematically intriguing, and it’s a real live example of a band maturing as musicians and expanding their horizons, and I appreciate growth in artists. That’s why I didn’t write off X&Y like a lot of my pals did; it showed Coldplay trying new things, and they did hit it right a few times.

Viva La Vida (the new album) does all the new things X&Y tried but does them right, and it gets back in touch with the honesty and simplicity in their earlier stuff.

So there. Nothing is linked up there so you don’t think I’m spamming. And that’s a good reason why I stay away from praise, it sounds too salesman like. Plus it’s not nearly as funny, is it? I bet not one of you is going to comment me a hateful lashing for my biased, unresearched ignorance!

And so! To change the subject! Mr. T. and miracles!

I mentioned a while back that I share a birthday with Mr. T. I recently received this link, which is very old news.

But, for all of you haven’t heard this thoroughly remarkable story, a kid fell suddenly into a coma, once upon a time. He remained this way for some time, and his family was very concerned. The only thing that would get the kid to respond in any way, mentally or physically, was mentioning Mr. T. So, when the man himself was in town, he went ahead and stopped by.

And…you know where this is going, right? Mr. T. brought the kid out of his coma. He pitied the fool out of a coma.

This should be known by everyone. Spread the word.