4. THE KISSY FACE.

It doesn’t work.

Not even in black and white.

Not even in a group

Not even for a dude

This one has been done to DEATH. There are approximately one trillion web-pages out there cursing the name of this snap-shot phenomenon. Stop doing this, everyone who does this. It distorts your face and makes you look dumb. Nobody likes this. It’s not funny. It never works.

3. THE BOUQUET CATCHERS

Maybe this one is a little specific, but it’s true. When a person gets ready to go to a wedding, they generally dress nicely. Pick out their nicest clothes, their best shoes. They apply makeup carefully, do their hair just so. They want to make a nice impression, and also to respect the bride and groom.

Then, mysteriously, for a handful of minutes, this person who tried so hard to be presentable, devolves into a hulking, violent primate. I mean, catching the bouquet can be – and is, for most people – a fun tradition. But for some, it’s the most competitive sport they’ve ever known, and they will spoil it for everyone else.

Pictured: a bunch of sane women and three who have chosen used flowers over dignity

My advice: stop worrying about that bouquet. Don’t hulk out and start elbowing people like a football player- it doesn’t match your dress. If you really want to get married next, just ask someone, don’t rip a girl’s hair out over a second-hand bunch of flowers. Maybe you’re doing it to be funny, but it’s not, and it may end in tears.

Let’s tear it to pieces in a violent display of public self-respect!

2. FLIP-FLOP FORMALS

This one goes along with number 3. Flip-flop (or “thong”) sandals are perfectly fine for day-to-day use. I don’t prefer them, but they work as an ultra-casual shoe for most. So what is the point of people spending hours on their hair, faces, and clothes, just to skip the final step and throw on some lazy pair of flip-flops?

I mean, maybe if your wedding/dance/formal is at a beach, fine. But it doesn’t matter how much shiny metallic paint or plastic jewels they cover them in, a flip-flop is a flip-flop is a horrible way to complete a formal outfit.

No, no, no!

…And yes I know some people wear them because they’re more comfortable than formal shoes. Buy different formal shoes.

1. THE BRAGGART

These people are probably the worst, in that they think they’re actually doing their image a favor when really they’re making a fool out of themselves.

These people have to name the price tag of everything they wear. They’ll inform you of the worth of their purse collection even if you didn’t ask. They’ll tell you how much their sunglasses cost if you so much as look at them.

They’re the first to tell you they went to the best school, had the best professor, made the best life choices.

You like that chair? Oh, it’s a special antique, don’t sit too hard in it. You like that watch? Well, not everyone can afford one like it. By the time you’re done spending an evening with a braggart, you’ll know all about their awesome grades, jobs, clothes, family, even the thread count of their sheets. If you have an interesting story, don’t get too attached to the idea of finishing it. The braggart’s been everywhere you have, and did more while they were there.

All they’re doing is trying to impress you. What they’re really doing is providing you with a hilarious story once you get back to your friends. Never forget, kids, if your idea of impressing someone is listing a price, or name-dropping, you probably haven’t actually done enough stuff worth bragging about.

So always remember, beauty is as beauty does, and beauty does not dress up nicely only to wear flip-flops, make kissy faces, and brag about how adroitly they elbowed that bridesmaid in the face to catch the bundle of limp flowers (with their $500 elbow).

You’re all beautiful. Happy November.

McCalium threw the knife towards Mr Corti but the former Royal Engineer dodged the blade and then punched him.

Or the 78-year-old bank teller who put on her angry voice to kick a bank robber out of the building.

But I’ve never heard a story quite as amazing as this.

A family sits in a hotel room, enjoying their evening, when an armed man bursts in and demands all their money. The thief shoves his gun in their faces and the younger members of the family begin to obey, when the grandmother pulls out a gun and – no crap – shoots him dead.

Why don't you ever wriiiiiiiiiite??

This must have been the biggest surprise (at the very least it was the last surprise) of the bad guy’s life. He thought he had it in the bag, the door was literally open for him. “Everybody knows what the game is here,” he said, the smugness in his voice probably tangible. “I want your money and I want your jewelry…”

So next time your grandmother offers you a butterscotch candy, accept it and be glad it’s not a bullet. And please remember to always, always respect your elders. They might just kick your butt.

Somehow it’s both comforting and depressing to know, that no matter how hard I try or what skills I learn, I will never ever match the coolness of this man:

I’m as easily impressed as the next person – that is to say, not very – and XTREME anything tends to put me to sleep anymore, but…dang. This guy.

Terrifying marketing, that’s what kind.

Babies are belligerent, messy, loud, and incoherent on the best day. Who in heck decided thought giving them a sugary soda would be a good idea?

Surely there must be something better for kids than…

…Oh. Well now that’s just a terrible idea. I can’t believe people used to give their babies alcohol. I just hope they kept the kids away from anything harmful while they were intoxicated!

Oh come on. How is a horrifying, probably-wasted baby going to sell any razors? Did people apply to marketing teams way back when? Or did the world just hate babies?

Apparently so! Hey, ladies! Here’s a tanning light! We promise it won’t burn you – just test it out on your brand new baby.

…actually, you know what? If this is what babies looked like 50+ years ago, it’s no wonder parents were trying to cook them and drink them to death. That thing is terrifying.

You know what? Babies are terrifying. What is their deal. They’ve probably been messed up ever since the first person decided to give them caffeine and alcohol.

…So remember. Don’t cook your babies or give them drugs or let them near razors or do anything else the ’50s tell you to.

Since then, the company that created the game, Harmonix, has split away and invented Rock Band, which is the same, but with a whole band. Red Octane, the group Harmonix left, kept making Guitar Hero until they realize Harmonix was onto something and made their own band game, still called Guitar Hero which is a little unfair to everyone else but whatever.

I know this is the part where I tell a joke, but I think the joke speaks for itself. Guitar Hero was given the music and likeness of a load of famous and/or influential musicians for the game Guitar Hero 5 this year, including but not limited to Kurt Cobain, Johnny Cash, and Carlos Santana. Basically, you get to play as these people, or characters you invent. Or as your X-box “avatar” which is a huge-headed weird little cartoon guy. You can mix and match characters, instruments, and even play as the same character more than once (to create, for instance, an entire band of Johnny Cash).

Rock Band was given the rights to the music and likenesses of the Beatles. They made The Beatles Rock Band, a stand-alone game based entirely on the story of the Beatles. You play as the Beatles. You cannot mix and match their instruments, nor even their venues or costumes.

Here’s a fun video of Guitar Hero 5:

Guitar Hero says: you’re giving us the likeness of a load of famous and influential artists? let’s mix and match their songs and instruments and characters! Surely that’s not disrespectful enough to get their bands, fans, and loved ones incredibly angry with us.

But then…

Rock Band says: you’re giving us the likenesses and music of one of the most famous and influential bands? okay. We’re telling their story, with their music and instruments, their imagery, and with the total supervision of the band and their loved ones. And it’s going to be amazing.

…and it’s totally amazing. I just find it highly entertaining when two titans meet this way, having taken such different paths to get to this point, and seeing what kind of mentality toward art proves the most effective.

So I’m wondering what new sizes my lymph nodes will swell to next, and wandering around the internet. I got stuck for a couple hours in SuperBad without realizing it, but eventually I got out and into more proper regions of the ‘net.

and then I found this.

What is this? Did I make it up? I half expect to come back to this video tomorrow and find it’s a how-to for paper plane creation or something, because wow. It’s so weird.

Isn’t it weird, grapefruit

I see ads for things like the iPhone and my mind is filled with terrifying images of me destroying every pretty little aspect of it, from the touch screen (a terrible idea for a phone or anything) to the sleek little casings.

So I see designs for phones like this one…

And I realize that there will be no place for me in this new modern world. I have to stick to giant phones so I’m assured I won’t accidentally eat them with a bag of chips…I cannot imagine what terrible things would happen to a clear phone in my house.

I think once my contract expires, I’m going to try to downgrade again. These fancy shmancy incredibly expensive and breakable toys are not for me. No, I’ll definitely have to get one of these.

Until recently, I never really thought there were grown people in the world too obsessed with toys.

Until I read about this guy.

He’s building his house of bricks…Lego bricks, to be specific.

Gravity defiance a plus

On the one hand, I’m puzzled. Can such a house hold up? Will he not be building it anywhere that might have earthquakes or some kid of powerful weather? Will he have a Lego basement? Will his house have more than one floor?

It’s a neat idea, but frankly, i find it more than a little strange that a full grown man is honestly considering living in a house of toys.

…Actually, you know what? If there’s a ballpit room in the house, I might just have to becoming that man’s new best friend my top priority. For that matter, forget the friend part, I’m just going to steal his house.

Played most frequently these days on the “popular music” channel is the song “Gives You Hell,” by the All American Rejects. It is probably the most unintentionally hilarious song the station plays right now, lyrically at least. It couldn’t more obviously say the exact opposite of what it’s trying to. And it does so very, very pathetically.

I once knew a girl at my university. In the first conversation I ever had with her, she stated at least six times that she was very confident and self-assured. Her facebook was loaded with information about her, why she was awesome, and quotes like, “If you don’t wanna be my friend, YOU’RE the one missing out, and I won’t miss you!”

Charming.

The point is, for all that she went on and on about her own confidence, when it came down to it, she was probably the most timid person I’ve ever met. It’s called “overcompensation.” The more you talk about how confident you are, the clearer it is you’re just trying to fool everyone. People who are truly happy almost never talk about it.

But let’s dig in to the song at hand. First verse:

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

Well, okay. That’s…that’s the whole verse. Well, it’s a pitifully short verse, but I’ll let that slide. The first stanza says the singer wakes up every day happy. Remember what I said about the girl who overcompensates?

Yeah, his next stanza insults her job. Nevermind the fact that a 9 to 5 job actually sounds pretty sweet to most people in this economy, myself included. How bad that tastes. Probably tastes like a reliable check, there Mr. What’s Audience Relatablilty?

But let’s move on to the stunning chorus:

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

That’s the desperate cry of someone who desperately wishes they were over their ex, but aren’t. It’s also the desperate cry of a 16-year-old who has yet to learn what “moving on graciously” means.

Verse two:

Now wheres you picket fence love
And wheres that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

I’m going to stop us right there. Rhyming “car” with “far”? Really? And again, equating money and possessions with happiness? I think Mr. Reject needs a priority check.

You’ve never seem so tense love
I’ve never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are

Yes, sure, she’s the one that’s tense. Not the guy who wrote a 5-verse song about how much he hopes his ex is miserable. That’s just the sign of a well-adjusted grownup.

…And why’s he observing his ex’s behavior? That’s a bit off.

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I’m lying

Whoah ho ho! A “PSYCH!” joke! I must have completely forgotten that it was 1995. “I miss you…NOT! Haha I got you!”

Poetry.

If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell

Grace.

Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where’d it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And the list probably starts somewhere along the lines of “You’re as mature as a six-year-old and relatable as a cinder block.”

Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

Haha, yes. Yes yes yes. Honestly? This whole song is completely pathetic and does the opposite of what the singer obviously wanted. The title might as well be “Overcompensation for My Misery Oh God Come Back To Me”

It’s a whiny, shallow tantrum written by someone who’s probably never been in an adult relationship in his life.

What I’m saying is, stop trying to be Beyonce. All of you.