PRIOR-itizing Life

Not That It Matters

2019-08-15T13:42:00.006-04:00

You know, not that this matters, but nothing much really matters anymore, to anyone, unless they have a stake in what the results of what is happening or being done. Nothing. Not in friendships, not in relationships, nada. We live in a life that is just day to day living, for others and I so often think, what am I getting from this?

 I love life but life is often so hard that I wonder why we are put in so many troubles and strife and why we are put through anguish, pain, 'karma' so to speak, or any of what we have to go through, just to get to the ending point, to die. Yeah, it sounds morbid, it sounds like I don't care about life but that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is most everyone else doesn't care about how their actions, their lives, their words, anything that THEY do, affects anyone else, only how it affects THEM. I'm guilty too, many times over. Wondering what am I going to get from doing this or saying that. So why continue to suffer or put others through suffering, because of our own lives? We love others and that, if true, will continue on, whether we are here or not. We have those we don't want to lose or disappoint or we have faith that tells us, dictates our lives on how we should live now, what we  should do now, on blind faith. 

That is a BIG pill to swallow cause the truth is, there isn't much else in our lives that we do on blind faith. Do we do a job thinking, it will be okay, they will pay us, even if we don't know if it will be true or not? If so and we don't get paid, how many times would we continue to do jobs, with that same kind of blind faith? We get jaded, hurt, become cold, uncaring to the worlds plight and its/their plees for us to help, trust, just give, without knowing the outcome. 

So why are we supposed to live a life for others, always, to do for others, always, to make others happy, always, and leave our own happiness behind, in the  dust, forgotten about, just to ensure that everyone but ourselves, live a happy, fulfilled, satisfactory, life? While all the while, we live unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfactory and on top of that, on pins and needles with wondering if we may be upsetting another just by speaking a certain way or certain words, by making a certain move, even if it is a turn in our chair, or trying to live a life that makes us happy, even a little bit, only to have those things snatched away and put away and on the forever back burner, because someone else needs to be given our time and attention ?

Maybe this sounds ridiculous, maybe it makes sense, maybe its mumbo jumbo or maybe it is the truth or a truth that isn’t wanted to be heard or spoken, maybe this sounds like crazy talk, but I can bet your bottom dollar that one in ten people, or even more, have had these same thoughts and feelings but have been afraid to say anything, or at least anything out loud, out of fear of who might hear or who might retaliate, firing back with harsh words that cut to the bone, taking away everything from them, every bit of power, energy, every bit of life that is left of their own.

 So many lives live in this balance of imbalance, more than anyone could ever count. We are told to count our blessings and to think positive and be positive and live positive and I am one of the biggest preachers of such types of words and thoughts and I often feel like a hypocrite because I myself, live in a life that is just a little bit shy of the daylight, a little bit shy of true happiness, a little bit shy of living a life full of dreams come true, a little bit shy of living, life.

All Things Considered, The Easiest (Simplest) Answers, Are Usually The Right Ones?

2019-06-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

So today, I am writing on behalf of all who think they can in no way or another, get it all together and that this thing called life, is just too damn hard to get through cause there is just 'too much' in the way to get it all right and figured out. I am here to say, you are soooo wrong, on so many levels. You are just looking at things as a whole, all your problems, wrapped up in one, all of your issues, piled up on one big laundry basket, your life, with all of its complexities, wrapped up like one of those 'biggest yard (or rubber band) balls in the world', ready to unravel at any given moment or second cause none of your life is poked in tidy enough for it to NOT come apart. That is the FARTHEST thing from the truth!

The truth is NO one has it all together, perfectly, not even the supermom's out there, not even the CEO's of the biggest fortune 500's, not even, the president, of this country or any other. We are all human, we are all living, each day, one day at a time. We all wake up, do a job; whether it be a 40+ job, several jobs or a housewife/husband, its a job. We eat, we drink, we walk and/or drive. We use the restroom, we shower/bathe, we take care of our households, our bills, our family, our children; we all do some form of living.

If you break your life down to the multitude of things you do in your life, one at a time, and analyze each, to know its place, what needs to be done to do each instance, how it needs to be done, how long it takes to do it, why it needs to be done and then ask yourself, IS it NEEDED in my life for my life to continue or be complete, you can answer a LOT of questions about your own life and make your life soooo much simpler, one step at a time.

So, how do you even start with understanding, where to start? You start with day one when you wake up. You don't have to make it a HUGE ordeal on how to organize your life. Take baby steps and realize that if you just work through one issue/instance of your life a day that can be organized better or removed, then you are one step closer to an easier, more fulfilled life.

But FIRST, you need to know, WHY do you feel the need to reorganize your life or figure out the complexities of your life. Are you not happy with your life? Is your life totally disorganized and you need to figure out how to make things simpler in your life? Or do you just not know your own life from all of the "unstructured" parts of your life and you just need to 'see' your life through the eyes of others to realize that you got it together more than you think you do?

So, Now that you have sat down and thought about why, now that you have your answer, which direction will you go? If you are not happy, you need to reorganize your life to clear out the clutter in your life to find your true happiness. This does not mean you have to necessarily get rid of anything or much of anything or even anyone, BUT it also means that you might have to get rid of a LOT of 'stuff' and maybe even one or more people in your life, depending on what direction you want your life to go, in order to find your 'happy place'. So, start decluttering, but slowly so as to not make your life even more of a mess, one day at a time, one step, one moment, one breath at a time, to be able to keep control of your life and be able to truly see where you want to go as your life slowly starts to change.

Is your life just totally disorganized? Ok, well then, lets get your started with organizing your life. You will need to start out by writing down your days activities, each and every one, for a week or two or more. This way you can see your habits and what you do, where you go, how much time you spend where, why and does it cost you anything; money, time, rest, lack of meals or lack of time with family. You are basically writing a diary, BUT, this diary is a diary of EVERYTHING in your life and its purpose in your life and what it is costing you or what it is adding to your life. You must include that too. Does what you are doing add to your health, or add to your life financially, or with stress eating, calories/fat, or gray hairs from stress, a better relationship with your spouse or children or boss or friends? What does your actions give you back and what are the reactions to your actions?

Now that you have your diary of events of your life and the reactions and actions and reactions to those actions and so on, you can sit down and see what part of your life is being repeated unnecessarily, or what part of your life is being neglected? What part of your life is being treated better while other parts of your life are declining because of those actions or even because of the reactions from your actions. Watch out now, this can get treacherous if you don't keep your repairs at working on ONLY ONE issue at a time. Any more than that, you can be criss crossing issues and causing yourself more problems and grief because you may not know how to better correct and overcorrect yourself if you misstep from one issue to another without correcting the first one. One day, one step, one issue/problem at a time. Write down all of the problems and issues that you are facing that you want to see cleared up or bettered and tackle them one at a time. Remember, just ONE, AT, A, TIME! And go!

Finally, is your life full of unstructured movements and you have no idea of where to start. Your life is disorganized but not; you are not happy, but you are; your life is cluttered, but its not. Where do you start? You start by simply sitting down with the ones you love the most, your lover, best friend, closest family members and ask them each, one by one, how do they see your life, truly and honestly to a painful fault and how do 'they' believe you can adjust your life to be better. Take notes, physically (some of us need to do so because our memories are just crud) or mentally (go you!! You got the brains and the beauty!) and then sit down and look at what everyone else has said they see how your life is going, or not going and what you can do to improve it. Now, take a deep breath and 'feel' each answer from each person. Does it 'feel' right or like something you would do if you are being true to you? IF yes, then put that suggestion in a 'consider' box. IF no, then throw that suggestion right in the can and move on. If you get no good suggestions, then, well you are on your own to figure your own self out and yes that is daunting because none of us want to face our own lives and our own demons and our own problems head on. NO ONE. BUT, if no one else see's you the way YOU see you and no one you spoke to, 'feels' the way you do about your life or life in general, then the only one you should be listening to is your own self and OMG, that can put many of us in shock and through hell and back because it is NOT something most of us WANT to deal with and forcing ourselves to do so, HA! Ok. This will be good huh?! BUT, IF yes, then take 'some' of their suggestions and FIT them to your life that makes YOUR life work. Don't just take them and try to PUT them into place. Look over them, feel them out, listen to your inner voice and then slowly make some changes based on 'some' of their suggestions or better yet, based on their suggestions that you mulled over to make your own with your own thoughts and feelings so you know YOU will truly be happy with your decisions.

Okay fellow friends, followers, creepers and stalkers and who cares-ers (a new word I just made up, yes I can do that lol!!), that is my two cents for today. A long read I know but hopefully, it will be well worth it for those of you who choose to read it. My blog today is in honor of two young ladies who may not think they have it all together, but they it more together than they think and maybe, a few of these words can and will help you find more solace in your own life and if not, maybe it was some good comic relief lol!! Here's to you Daisy and Bethany!!

Till we speak again, or till I do, potAto, po ta to lol! May your lives be enriched and full of love and life, each and every day and may you smile at least once, for yourself and for someone else, so that they may have a better day as well!! Much love to you all!!

Sunday scripture 5 26 19

2019-06-02T09:50:00.001-04:00

Sunday scripture 5 26 19

What is Growing in my Jar? How to Make Milk Kefir

2019-04-23T21:41:00.001-04:00

How do we even know?

2017-04-30T13:42:00.002-04:00

What is the measurement of if a person cares for another, you, me or whomever, or how much they care? Is it in their text message? Is it in the fact of 'if' a person texts you back or not? Is it in how many times or how often they email or snap chat or any of those other forms of social communication? Is it in a phone call? Is it in spending time with another because that is what people who care do? Stay in communication, see each other from time to time, more towards those who are closer or become intimate, etc...?? What is the measurement of a friend / friendship?

I think our world has become too consumed with text messaging (myself included), messaging on one or more social media forms or emailing, and use those forms of communication to figure out if 'we like' another. How can you truly tell that someone is being truthful and/or sincere, unless you speak with them face to face, or if you have gotten to know them and you actually speak on the phone with them, noticing the changes in their voice, tone, etc?? It is a really sad world we have allowed ourselves to become and it is truly 'odd' when a person says, "oh, we are having a electronic free weekend or week!" or even more so, if they don't have a phone or at least an email message....How can they live without such objects and devices?

What happened to meeting with friends and loved ones over a meal or a picnic to spend time with each other? Or taking off to go someone you have never been, just because it would be an amazing adventure in life; not knowing exactly what you will be doing or where you will be going....How shocking some may say...How refreshing I say! Use a 'map' to find where you are going, not mapquest or one of those other gadgets you hook up into a car, or a cell phone...a MAP!.....Hug someone you care about, because you do care. Hugging does not make you gay. Kissing on the cheek does not either (yes there are some boundaries when it comes to guys and girls that are involved already, no girls on guys kissing and the such, unless they are family) It is not weird to love another person because you care about them....

And what happened to the rules of families...such as children listen to their parents, even once grown up, to a point of course....but respect your elders. Back when I and my family before me, was growing up, we did not back talk our parents, EVER!! We did what we could to help them, we loved them unconditionally as they did us and trusted them more than anyone on this earth, other than maybe the one we choose to marry or spend the rest of our lives with....

I just don't get it....I really don't....It has become a very sad, cold, isolated, electronic type of world, where faces are not often seen and voices the same....we love through our computers, not by telling another in person, or in a letter, that you write and physically send to them....SMH, yeah, even I have some of the techno bug, but I am working on slowly eradicating it out of my life to a large extent. It may take me a little time, just like so many others it would so too, but wouldn't it just be so much better? Wouldn't we be so much happier and content and actually learn from others in our world, because we speak with them face to face? That is my thought at least.....

Day Two...To Be Continued...

2017-03-17T22:41:00.001-04:00

Hello Everyone! It seems as though our lives are always one step away from a "To Be Continued" phase. Whether it be while we are in conversation with others, a phone call, a text, an email, an article, book, television show or movie or some sorts and the worst, in our every day to day lives.

To Be Continued...Why is it so necessary to have to be in such a hurry in our lives that we cannot complete such small things in our lives that we cannot finish hardly even a single meal, without having to get up and go and finish it later.

My utmost unfavorite TBC has to do with doctors, doctors appointments and the ever eternal "hurry up and wait" thinking these places have in mind for our lives and our health. I mean really? I'm sick, so I call to see my doctor, but I cannot be seen until tomorrow, 9 am. I'm there early, hoping to get seen early and out to get some medicine to feel better, but no, I sit there till my regular appointment time and then over a half hour later, sometimes as much as an hour later, I Finally get called back, only to have to go to a room to sit and wait even longer. Half hour later I am finally out of the doctors office, on a good day that is and on my way to the pharmacy. Rush hour, really? Why again are people always in such a freaking damn hurry to get here, get there, only to get really no where, because no one is ever truly happy till they are in bed, only to complain about not having enough hours to sleep at night, not sleeping enough at night, not being able to spend enough time with their families, ever, but not having enough time in the day or week, to fit that said "family, I could never live without", into their schedules. "Could never live without"? Newsflash! YOU ALREADY ARE!!

So, I'm through the traffic. While I was driving, one of my friends messages me and I do speak texting, saying, hold on, I'll be back in a little bit, I'm on my way to the pharmacy for meds. I'll brb or as it really is, a conversation put on TBC. At the pharmacy, I drop off my prescription and need to wait at least 20 or 30 minutes for it to be filled out, on a really good day and on busy days I'd be lucky to get it by that afternoon or evening, especially if I leave it there and leave the store to do something else.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, all day, every day for everything; all the while our lives are being lived in a TBC type of lifestyle. It don't matter if it is for an appointment or to get to work, from work, conversations, hobbies we work on or even a game of checkers or chess, we are always making choices to have those things in our lives, some of which are not so important, to the most important things in our lives to be continued.

BUT, how much time is too much time, how long is too long, to have our lives, to have those things we are or have been doing in our lives, continued and finished to a completion that would satisfy us? And what happens when the time runs out on us or on those in our lives? We now have to live with the sadness of a life unfulfilled, uncompleted, unsatisfied, because we constantly continued what we wanted to finish, but just never made time to do so.

So what in YOUR LIFE, is important enough to "Continue" and not leave on hold? What would you not want to have to live without finishing or having said, before our times run out? We all have a timer on our lives. What do you want to see done before those times run out? The time is NOW to either make time in our lives to continue to finish what we started, before its too late to complete even a simple sentence.

Live and Let Live and Love; Do it today, Don't wait till tomorrow, Don't wait till next week or next month, because honestly, those days might not show up, at least for one of us; or don't, as long as you are happy in whatever you do and are doing, just do YOU!

Till we meet again!! <3 p="">

Live, Let Live & Love, day one

2017-03-16T20:04:00.003-04:00

Why is it so hard these days to live a life of true happiness without someone else trying to invade your personal space, your personal thoughts and feelings, and interjecting their own into yours, trying to make you doubt yourself, doubt your loved one(s) or get on your very last very nerves?

I love my family and the few friends that I do have, I love them too but all too often I take to my own space and quit talking to almost everyone because it feels as if they have all lost their ever lovin minds!

Money tends to cause so many people to be both happy and unhappy. If you have it, your life, at least for a little while and into the possible future, as long as the money is lasting, gives you the impression that your life is so much better but, the truth is, is that it is NOT the money that brings happiness but in what we do in our every day lives, with or without money, with or without those friends who show up only when we have money and with those who are with us for the long haul. You know, the loved ones who have been with you when you were homeless, or eating oodles of noodles on a daily and weekly basis cause that is all you could afford for a while. The people who would go to a food pantry with you or a pawn shop and have your back the whole time, knowing that this is just a bump in the road in our lives and they still love us because they LOVE US, not just like us, as a temporary status in their lives.

Love. It is so simple and complex in all matters. We love our spouses or significant others but these days, there seems to be so many who 'love' their significants but when the hard times show up and THEY WILL show up, it is too easy to walk away from a relationship, just because it has become 'bothersome' and doesn't 'fit' their lives at the time cause of miscommunication or misunderstanding another or another's actions. What in the hell are people thinking? People are THAT? expendable? So easy to just 'delete' another from our lives because we don't like what they said or what they did or how they did it. REALLY??? WTH!

If our lives, our governments, our parents and our families and friends in the past thought the way the world or at least the way so many in the world do these days, then, most of us, would not be here and the world would be in even worse shape than it is in right now. There are so many times when I wonder where our thought processes went wrong and a LOT of it, can be pointed in the direction of something that has been so progressive and helpful to our lives that I wonder, how it could have been done differently or changed so that we would/could, have better lives today in this world, with its help, rather than have its help and our doom, all in one. Technology is the answer but more important than technology, the world of technology as it has evolved within computers, smart phones, tablets, even the games that are now out for children as young as two and three and four, that melt their little brains into a technological mush, concentrating on what is going on there, on it, than what is going on outside and in our own world and circumstances, caused by our own actions or rather, lack there of.

I plan on writing a little something every day about life, technology, how it has affected our lives as of today, yesterday and tomorrow and I totally would love to hear your feedback on what I am talking about. Good or bad, this isn't a contest to say who is wrong or right. This is a place of free speech; a forum or area rather where your words can be heard. Post/reply here and I will hear you and hopefully many others will as well. Till we meet again....

p.s. (please anyone, refrain from name calling or posting or saying anything explicit that only you and whomever you are with, should see or be a part of...those posts WILL be deleted because the place for any type of language or interaction such as those, are not welcomed HERE. Otherwise, respond away and I will try to reply back as soon as I can.)

2016-12-27T19:24:00.005-05:00

So, its been awhile since I've been around. Its not that I haven't felt like writing; its just sometimes life gets in the way. We get busy, both physically and mentally, so much so that we find ourselves in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and find we don't know which way is up, down or whatever way it is we feel we need to be going. So, that has been me, indeed!

I was found to be bipolar, I have depression, social anxiety in large groups and areas, along with ptsd and more. My thoughts are my own but are often as scattered as a dandelion when its petals are blowing in the breeze, anywhere and everywhere. I am happy and sad and confused, all in the same instance and sometimes, that is a hard pill to take. My husband seems to take it very well on most occasions and he indeed is my life, my love and my protector. Without him, I would surely be lost. Most people don't have the 'time' for others, to care for how they 'truly' are, what they 'truly' need, or care about where they have gone. You are just ...gone.

That makes me wonder, where in this world, is it where the communities are simple, happy, accepting, loving yet respect others privacy, giving and caring?? Where are those communities?? We are looking for them, preferably something on the east coast, Virginia coast or NC or SC coast? Heck maybe even further. It won't matter to those who are around us. They will just 'wonder' where we went in thought or conversation, but on the most part, we will become a very fast 'memory' as they go along living their own lives. It is so sad that there are so many people like that, who just move on and not care about those whom touched their lives in a good way. Those people who just think, nothing matters, but the here and now of whom is around or near them and those who were from their past, families, friends, neighbors, they now mean nothing, less than nothing, in comparison to what is in their lives now.

In some aspects that is ...ok; but on the most part, it isn't. I can't see how, if you remember someone from high school, someone whom was a best friend, or at least a good friend, or someone who lived next door to you and may have helped you move in or came to your barbeques, watched your children, laughed with you at a movie or while shopping, How can you just move on and 'forget' those people...I just don't understand how people can do that; go that way and never look back.

Sure, if memories were bad if people were bad, if there were 'bad parts' of your life that you feel to leave behind, albeit, do so, but those who were good...how can you walk away and only remember them in a passing thought? I don't get it.

I miss people. I miss the good people. I've looked for some of my high school friends, with no luck in finding them so far, best friends, at least then, maybe friends again for the future? Who knows but I know life is too short to forget those who were there for you and life is about the little things, so don't forget about those things, those memories, those people. Reach out, if even only to say hello, or maybe even start up another friendship, this time, even better than before. You never know and you won't know if you don't try. Life is too short to wonder about the what if's. The time to live is now...NOW!

VIVA LAS LIFE!!!

Music Monday!

2016-12-05T12:32:00.001-05:00

To anyone who knows my blog, you would know i love music and lately it seems like that it is the the only thing that I can relate to. Life is hard but music seems to make my soul and my whole inner being wanna get up and dance, sing and just be happy, just because. Reality can take the life right out of us at times but adding some music to your day, can be just the medicine that you need. I love all kinds of music, literally, from hard rock to Beethoven ...this morning I am listening to:

Groove Coverage

and...

Bangles

and...

Grace

plus much much more to come today!! LOVE MUSIC!!

What is YOUR Monday Groove? Share the love~!

The Unknown

2016-10-15T12:17:00.002-04:00

Its been a long time since I have even thought about writing anymore. I was on medications that did what I called 'dimmed' my thought processes and my creativity. I haven't been on those medications for a month or more now, I took myself off of them, when 'the system' decided I wasn't worthy of their considerations of letting me know my doctor was no longer around. Sounds like BS to me and it got me thinking, maybe if they don't care that I need my doctor, maybe I don't need those meds. I have found that is not necessarily true as of late, but I am going to fight my demons for as long as I can.

Have you ever wondered if ANYONE is true to you? Does anyone speak the truth, even if they know you might not like it? Is there anyone out there who accepts people for who they are, no matter how they are, whenever they are, just because that is the right thing to do? Why is it that life and people are like that? Why is it that in life, everyone has to be judged for anything and everything they are and everything they do?

I mean really...in this life, whose life is our lives anyways? Is it truly ours and if it is, then why does it feel as if we cannot live our lives the way we feel we should, without feeling as if anyone else believes we are living wrong? How is it that anyone else should have the right to tell us how to live, when, how, where, with who, with what. How is what we want to do, what we feel is right, what/who we love or want to love, can be wrong for us, if WE feel it is right for us? How in the living hades should anyone, ANYONE else, have the right to tell us we are wrong, unless we are truly doing something morally wrong; aka, hurting another physically or taking another person's / things, life, physically, mentally, etc.

So, that being said, I have been thinking about my own life lately and wonder what I can do, to live true to my ownself and would I be willing to put myself out there with my own free will choices, knowing I will be rejected by some, judged by many, pushed away by many and accepted by those rare few....

I love my husband, but he can be a real ass. Now don't get me wrong, he will do whatever I ask of him, within reason, BUT, we have our major share of problems and the biggest ones are that I don't believe he truly respects me or believes in me. Its more like he tries to treat me like a child and like a person who should do as he says the way he see's fit, just because he believes only he is right, about everything, including me and my life. I so wished that he would give me more attention, in the ways I truly crave him to do so, but mentioning the things that I want, just get basically blown off unless I do what is considered 'bitching' over and over and who the hell wants someone to feel as if they 'have' to do something kind and loving for you and even when that happens, it only lasts for a few minutes and should be remembered for the rest of your life that it happened????

My husband does spoil me in his own way. He rarely tells me no about anything, Its a very rare occasion that he won't do something I ask. He either has to be in real real pain or broke (if it takes some money to take care of it), to not do or take care of something I ask about. Sometimes he does hesitate or takes some time to get to something I 'want' but he will try to do what I ask. He is a rare one and I do love him more than I can even describe...There are not enough words, not enough emotion, not enough of a lifetime, to say or explain how much I love him.

But, there are many times it feels as if I am a nobody, around everybody. Like I am replaceable and easy to forget about, easy to ignore, easy to not care about, the way I do them. I love too much, too hard, too long, too easily; I get hurt very easy, my feelings seem to explode often in my head and my heart making my whole body and mind hurt, when I feel as if those whom I am close to and I am trying to speak with or get close to at that moment, acts like the conversation we are having is just...whatever...easily left at the last "."...That not only is excruciating, it is confusing, mind blowing, the emotions that come from the thoughts from the next moments reel in my mind making me wonder why I am even around, who truly cares...how much do they care...is it as much as I do or am I just...me...

YES, I have depression, anxiety, ptsd and bipolar II...which I am sure when combined with different occasions and emotions and each other can cause me to become one hell of an emotional wreck. My husband, so far, has been the only one who can truly deal with and comfort me in my times of emotional breakdowns but I dearly wish that was not the case. He holds so much of the burden of me, who I am, what I am, what I do and that is not fair to him. There are times though, he just does not understand, like no one else I have ever met has, what is going on with me, in my mind, with my emotions, my feelings, my life and I'm sure that in itself, drives him a bit crazy, as if I don't already do that to him as it is.

But I'm still not known, not truly known, deep down and that makes me sad cause I know no one has truly tried to really and truly try to get to know me more than what they have cause for most people the thinking is, "I know all I need to know don't I?"...uhhhh no...but maybe it is all you WANT to know, so I guess in your case, saddeningly, yes.

So, stepping away from the overprotecting husband into the world I want to know, taking steps slowly, in fear of falling without having him right there to catch me, just cause I need to know I can stand on my own and pick myself back up when I fall, I will take baby steps to find me. I'm not talking about physically walking away or emotionally, from him...but metaphorically walking away to find myself, enough so to see if the things I truly want and want to experience, are what i want and want to learn from.

So here we go, a new journey in this life...wish us luck...my heart, my mind, my body and soul

Feeling Life or not?

2014-03-18T16:39:00.001-04:00

I tend to get a bit frustrated from time to time, at everything. Ever since I had open heart surgery 2 1/2 years ago, my life has been a total upside down wreck. I have since then been tied to no less than 7 medications I have to take, daily. Now for some people that might seem like a walk in the park. Seven, shoot, I take that in one sitting some may say, multiple times a day, but for me, someone who never had to take anything more than tylenol on any given day, this is a LOT to be given as a life sentence. Heart medications, cholesterol medications, blood thinners, vitamins and medicines I have to take just to keep my health at a level where I can possibly live a few more years, without having to have another heart surgery. Another surgery, yep, that is something I have already been told I will have eventually. Whether it be in five more years or ten, but it will happen because as the doctors say, it is in my dna, my health history is already pre-written for my life, even if I try to eat healthy and exercise, take my meds, it will still happen again. If that isn't frustrating enough, I also take medicines for PTSD (from my surgery), anxiety and depression. When I take those meds, I get real 'chilled out', relaxed to the point where I just don't 'care' anymore. I used to get so mad, so upset about anything that others would do around me that was stupid or wrong and would speak up, sometimes rather loudly, sometimes very angrily. I also 'felt' life to its fullest. Happiness, laughter, sadness, anger, the whole nine yards. But, on the medicine, I just don't 'feel' as much. I don't 'care' as much if anything happens around me, my thoughts about how things should happen or be, are just blah, oh well, ok, whatever, no take on situations, good or bad. The really bad side of that is that I don't live life the way I should or need to or would like to, I just sort of slide by with a nothigness kind of feeling and don't care one way or another if something happens or not (in life in general). So from time to time, I quit taking all of my medications, for days at a time. I know that I am risking my health not taking my blood pressure medications or my cholesterol medications and not taking my anxiety meds can also send me into a serious anxiety attack that most people have no idea to deal with. I know I am taking those risks but I hate not feeling. I love to feel. Feeling is real. Feeling is life. Feeling gives me hope that all is not lost in this world, in my own life and in the lives of others. Feeling is everything. So many people don't feel or don't care to feel or just don't care period, but I do and as strange as it might seem, I LOVE feeling. I don't care what it is I feel, saddness, fear, happiness, love, whatever it is, I love to feel cause then I KNOW I am alive and still in this life with something to give and do, rather than just flow by, just looking at life through a looking glass or through a bubble, hoping to see a glimpse of something to spark my imagination. So if you have not guessed as of yet, no, I have not taken my meds again for several days. But I am loving the creative side of me that is coming out, the loving and happy side, the sad and incomprehensible side of me, that I can see on every given day. Most people can't take ME, the way I am and most people will just dismiss me and have nothing to do with me or look at me like I am strange, but so what, who cares? I feel alive. Now, I know, here in a few days I will need to take my medicines again soon because my blood pressure will start getting out of control, my anxiety will hit me with an attack that only a few people around me will know how to deal with, I will get so depressed I will be seriously contemplating suicide, so I will know, when crying throughout the day for no reason and not having PMS, feeling alone when I am surrounded by all those who love me but sadder than I have been in a long time, I will need to take my medicines for a few days so it gets in my system good again, maybe for a week, maybe and then slack back off of them again. So yes, I definitely get frustrated, because I am tied to medicines that make me, 'not feel' for the rest of my life and that does not seem like much of a life, but without the meds, I will have a much shorter life, so what are you to do? If I knew, I would already be doing it, other than what I am doing currently, on again, off again, just to 'feel' for a little while.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years [Official Music Video]

2014-03-18T15:54:00.001-04:00

OneRepublic - Counting Stars

2014-03-18T11:17:00.001-04:00

Lily Allen- "Fuck You" (Live in HQ)

2014-03-17T20:03:00.001-04:00

Jessie J - Price Tag ft. B.o.B. (+playlist)

2014-03-17T12:17:00.001-04:00

Jessie J - Do It Like A Dude (VEVO LIFT Presents) (+playlist)

2014-03-17T12:04:00.001-04:00

Jessie J - Nobody's Perfect (VEVO LIFT Presents) (+playlist)

2014-03-17T12:00:00.001-04:00

Jessie J - Thunder (+playlist)

2014-03-17T11:50:00.001-04:00

La Roux - Bulletproof

2014-03-17T11:42:00.001-04:00

How to know the truth? Harder than it seems...

2014-03-15T11:56:00.001-04:00

Knowing others had been a gift I used to own right well. I could be speaking with a person, or meet a person, and just 'know' about them. If they were scummy, truthful, a liar, good hearted or what have you. But in this day and age of cell phone and internet conversations, how can one truly know the other person is being completely truthful. I know I have a really hard time knowing and get both hurt and duped by those who I 'think' I can trust and know they are saying what they feel, what they think and believe are being honest with me wholeheartedly but, in all reality, they are just telling me what I want to hear; just wasting time with me cause they are bored or need something to do; killing time so to speak, till the person or people whom they want to talk to or be around, finally get to them or call/text, etc. It can get really frustrating for someone who is about as honest as you can get, to deal with those who are not. A lot of people will tell me, 'fuck em' but how do you get to feeling like that, about almost anyone or everyone? I just don't get it, I really don't. I have asked quite a few people how and why they can be like that and they, on the most part, say they just can; But how? I just can't. I hold pain for long long times, whether it be done to me or whether it be me the one who caused pain and if I know I have, it eats me alive for a very long time till I can put those feelings into 'that lil place' where you try to forget things, but they are never truly forgotten, how bad of a person you were or the bad things you said or done or the same that had been or is being done to you. maybe that is part of the reason I am so heavily medicated anymore, partially at least. I just can't deal with so much of life anymore....Its all so confusing and painful and at times, scary....I know this sounds like possibly poor pitiful me, but, its not...I'm just speaking my thoughts. I know I only have one or two people who actually read this and I think they know me or how I feel already...just trying to, get it off my chest I guess :-/

And Here We Go Again :-/

2014-03-14T14:57:00.001-04:00

Oh yeah....Here we go...

If you have ever experienced depression and / or anxiety, then you will have an idea of what I am about to talk about. It is those up's and downs, the high's and low's that every person who has experienced as such, goes through, on any given day, week, month and year. It is a daily fight to stay happy some days.

Trusting others becomes a painful experience, both learning to trust and the most painful part, when trust is broken; over and over and over again. That is why most people who have/do experience depression and anxiety, have a very hard time making friends and an even harder time, learning to trust anyone.

The swings of emotions, from high to low, causes me to feel so freakin' totally unbalanced and even more so, when there is no real reason, or not much of a reason, to be upset at the time of rolling emotions. With on the most part, can be because of almost any type of rejection or seeming rejection, of any type or kind. Also bouts of anger can swing a person both ways too. I can count many times this week where I have been very upset (angry) and also cried, vigorously at times.

If this has ever happened to you, know that you are not alone. There are a lot of us emotional 'thinkers and livers'. Our lives consist of one big ball of emotions that seem to roll into each other mostly because we allow ourselves to 'think' more than we should, about everything. Today is no different from others. Woke up in a decent mood, got a bite to eat, came home, been craving a ciggie all day, feeling sleepy, but been, ok and then, out of the blue...There you are sadness/depression. Right there, waiting patiently for me to swing your way; waiting on me to engross myself into you deeper and deeper, so as the sadness can truly sink right in. So that maybe, just maybe, that emotion will get a good cry from me and then depression really sets in deeper. Then just as slowly and painfully, life goes back into a spiral of neutral feelings and then happiness, hopefully and then it all starts all over again. This merry go round can happen once a day, many times a day, or on the rare occasion, only a few times a week or month, but for those of us who are truly dedicated to our emotions, really tied into them, will experience those feelings, many times a week, if not many times a day.

Sighhhhhhh...Here we go round on the merry go round, the merry go round, the merry go round....wheeeeeeeee.....

My new babies :-) :-) :-P

2014-03-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Music! Love Love Love What it do to you!! ;-)

2014-03-14T11:32:00.002-04:00

So I absolutely love music, many kinds of music. Today will be dedicated to some of he music I absolutely love to listen to. Lets roll on baaabeee lol!! :-P

Just click on the titles and you will go the music video located on You Tube and more.

Pitch Perfect Bella's Final

Pitch Perfect The Riff Off

Pitch Perfect Trebles Final Performance

...."...I got the magic in me...." ...lol!

Not Myself Tonite ;-)

Keeps Gettin' Better

"Somedays I'm a Super BITCH...." whooooo baaaabeeeee lol!

More to come soon :-) :-) :-P ;-)

I Did Not Realize; Man Does Time Fly!

2014-03-12T15:10:00.001-04:00

I honestly had no idea that it had been almost two years since I had last written in my blog. A lot has gone on since I wrote last and I'm just not sure where to start. I believe the last thing that I wrote was that I had had open heart surgery only a few months before. Things had been slowly but surely getting better for me. I have had two heart cath's since then but according to the doctors, it will be expected for me to have problems since "I have a history for it"; yeah, thanks yall!

My memory was doing somewhat better and my anxiety and blood pressure was finally starting to get under control, of course with the inclusion of some heavy medications, of which I am still on to be at least somewhat normal on a daily basis. Then, we took the wild hair idea that we should move again after having been in the same place for nearly 5 years. That was almost the longest we have been somewhere without having moved. We really liked it there, but it was on a main road and with a grand baby to think of, and the water being what it was, we decided, why not. We had the chance to buy a piece of property, decent acreage and that was all fine and dandy, until of course the realtor screwed us over and we got left having to make a hard decision. Walk away or keep dealing with the harsh conditions we had been living under. Well, its not that the conditions were 'harsh'...but they were not easy. We were all living in campers on the property, with a homemade shower that mike and michael david had come up with and made for us. It was actually pretty neat and since it was summer, it was a pretty awesome idea; except, again, that we had to carry water in big 55 gallon and 30 gallon jugs to have water there to wash, do dishes, make tea; anything really. We had a port a potty brought in so that was ok; they took good care of it weekly so that was ok. But the fact that the guys were all making killer money doing lawncare and landscaping and we weren't seeing any kind of profit because we spent so much just to get by for gas for the generator, food, ice, more gas and whatever else was needed, on a daily basis. You never know how much you take for granted until you no longer have it or you have to struggle to have it on a daily basis. Now, on the upside the camping was pretty fun. We had solar lamps and a single lamp to use for night time. We had our laptop to watch movies on which was ok and we lived close enough to be able to go to town to get most of what we needed or wanted any day of the week. Mike thought it would be good for me. My stress levels had been getting high again and my anxiety was keeping me from being social with anyone or wanting to go anywhere. He figured, maybe this would relax me and help me get back into the swing of things and into the swing of life. I did that, partially. I definitely relaxed but my anxiety did not get a whole lot better and if it weren't for the fact that I wanted internet to get online, I would have never went to town with a grocery store, gas station, dollar store, post office AND laundry store, only a half mile away. Yeah...I was still being quite a bit of a hermit. I was still not allowed to drive or go anywhere or stay anywhere by myself...So in a lot of ways, it wasn't a whole lot better, except with the ability to actually rest and relax a bit more. I do love country life and looking up at the stars. Love it!

So, once we got messed over there by the realtor, by not keeping to his part of the real estate agreement, we ended up walking away from there near the end August or September of 2013. Our kids had already found a place and got moved in. Once they did that we knew we could move on our selves and see where we could or should move on to from there. We went up to his twin sisters house temporarily and a few weeks later we were on our way to work on the hubby's truck, on October 18, 2013, we got slammed by an idiot woman driver on I-581/220 S before you would get off the exit ramp for peters creek road. She turned us and we ended up flipping multiple times till we ended up landing in the median, facing the North facing traffic. Michelle and Chuck got whiplash and shook up a bit, they got released pretty soon from being at the hospital, but me and mike, well we got scraped up pretty good. Neither one of us were wearing our seat belts (in the back seat at that), I got flipped around so much I ended up hitting something (we are thinking to roof maybe or my straw from my cup of tea,, that ended up in the front passengers lap) having blood spew from the right side of my nose and I could hardly move my left arm it hurt so bad. I believe I blacked out during part of the accident, but I'm really not sure. I do remember hearing it 'crunch' multiple times, thinking we were going to die for sure. When we stopped I thought mike was going to die. He was hurt so bad but hadn't even moved in the vehicle. He broke several vertebrae and several ribs in his back and tore his left rotator cuff. It has taken him a long time to get back to semi normal health to this point and he still has to have surgery on his rotator cuff probably sometime next month. Then another six months of recovery. Its has been a hard road to semi living since the accident and it does not help my anxiety has gotten the best of me many days, depression to the point of wanting to commit suicide and just a lack of interest in life and thinking how friggen fair is it to have all this happen to us, I mean really? I know karma is a pretty cruel bitch but on the most part in our lives, we have always tried doing for others, whether it be feeding an extra (or many extra) meals, money when needed, far and beyond what most people would do for others and yet still, I end up having open heart surgery and told it will more in likely happen again in the next few years cause it did for my dad and he died at such an early age (65 I believe it was, when I was 19), then our accident. We have been poor most of our lives, money wise. Only because we have chose to be so if that makes any sense and plus, when we did have money, we put it on our kids or others and only spoilt ourselves a little bit but usually just took care of life and the bills. Fun fun we are! We are definitely due for a very big break in our lives cause on the most part, it has not been easy.

I guess I'm still debating on life itself lately cause it definitely has not been easy the last few years and even between me and the hubby life has not been the best. We have a lot of good times,a few great times and a LOT of bad times too. He can be a bit controlling at times and my feelings often get hurt, especially with my mindset on any given day; although I do need to give him the a lot of kudo's cause so far, he has been the only one who knows how to deal with me when I have my anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. I don't have any friends, or any I could say I could turn to anytime, not really. I have plenty of people who care for me, sure, but so many people are concentrating on their own lives trying to get by, that often they do not realize they are not being there for their friends the way they truly need. Now me, hardly anyone I know, can say I haven't been there for them when they needed me, ....unless my hubby has said no, stay away from them or don't talk to them, which has only happened a few times but, I guess it has always been his way of trying to protect me, even though most people have seen it as over controlling. I dunno.

Ok, well I think I am basically caught up for now. I know there is more I could write because I have so much going on in my head on any given time or day and years to play catch up on. My life has been like one hell of a book, lots of ups and downs and so much more. But for now, I think I am going to go and I will try to be back soon again because writing, well it just makes me feel better, even if no one or hardly anyone reads it :-) :-) Till we meet again!! <3

2012-04-01T18:39:00.000-04:00

I originally posted this on facebook as a note. So far, as of just a little bit ago, from my posting this morning, I have had NO comments, likes, questions or anything on my post. Just goes to show you how much people really and truly pay attention to what you write in certain types of situations and media outlets. If I had written in big letters, I am going to commit suicide or Fuck You all!! (pardon my cussing), but it is the truth, if I had, then, THEN I would have gotten a few looks and maybe some comments but since I didn't, I got nothing. Figures. Below is a copy of what I originally wrote:

I had emergency bypass surgery on 9-2-12, The only job I had for the last three years was an online at home job with Demand Studios.com and then in February 2012, a bunch of us got laid off. I cannot handle standing up for long periods of time (say over 10-20 minutes) without being in severe pain and I need naps/sleep often because of my medicine and since my surgery I have noticed a severe problem with my short term memory loss. Usually during the day my memory can stay in tact but often I will forget from the morning to the evening and very often from day to day. It literally scares the heck out of me because I was literally considered a 'smart aleck' before my surgery and my meds and now, I cannot even think on my feet with numbers the way I used to without a lot of patience and even then I get very tired if pushed and frustrated to try to come up with answers and sometimes it frustrates me so much cause I can't come up with the answers without prompts or help/assistance. This has been very demeaning and problematic and I get depressed easily because of those issues. I hope that someone can help me/us. Thank you.

I get online, mostly out of boredom anymore. We play games (multiple computer household lol) or read articles (me) and sometimes I share posts that i think are amazing or beautiful or just crazy and worth the share. I get online to see/talk to my daughter and few other select people but rarely have any other interaction on here with others, which makes me sad and wonder...If I rarely got on here anymore, facebook or otherwise, who would truly miss me being around. This world has become so cold and lonely, even in a room or area full of people. My hubby hugs me and calls me his lil naive person because I still try, hard as I might, to my own pain and demise, to care for people, even though most people still think of themselves first and often, only themselves or their lives and do not think twice how their actions affect anyone else. me, I have always tried to do something to help others; to make anothers life better. Whether it be by looking something up for them, searching for them, writing for them, doing taxes for them, going somewhere if asked to, for them, doing for others, just because it is right and IF I can, I do whatever I can, when I can, just because. I tell myself that i have no ulterior reason for what I do, but I am lying to myself. My ultimate ulterior reason, is that I WANT others to want to do the same for me and for others. To DO for others, because it is right; because it is the right thing to do, because it feels good to do so, because without doing good for others and seeing the light shine in others because you have made their life better, how in hades can life be ok? How can life be ok WITHOUT having made anothers life a better place to be? But I don't or rarely see it in others. We do, we care, we share, with what we have, when we can, as we can, and we are NOT rich by any means, except with love for each other and the goodness for in which we do for others that makes us FEEL good, as people, as a couple, in life. It FEELS good and it makes life worth living, sharing, caring, being. I know MOST people I know on my friends list or otherwise, will not see this and most will not even read this if they do see it. IT truly shows me how much time others have for other people and for me or for us. I personally, TRY to stop by to see those people who truly matter on facebook, to see how they are doing, what is going on in their lives, even if it is only once a week, and I do get busy and very tired and in the last month or so, even more depressed with life and all around it. don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband and our marriage. WE are good. BUT, everything else sucks, literally and I have gotten into a rut, with people, with finances, with life, that is making it hard to stay up and care about anything else in life but sleeping or just feeling blah and saying F*it all. Honestly, I have been so depressed I thought what the hell, why have a facebook because there are only a VERY select few that I can name off the top of my head that I knwo care and the only reason I haven't quit on here is because it is the only outlet I have for them beccause they all live so far away from me. And that too, is a damn shame. The ones I am closest to, all live a long ways away and the others whom I do feel close to, don't truly care back the way I do, and my merry go round starts all over again, with the feelings of being inadequate, of being played, of being a JOKE to those whom I care for cause they think why should they contact me, lil ol me, just me, just margo. Why? cause you care? oh yeah, you don't. I forgot. This is not poor pitiful me, it is me getting fed up with caring so much, putting my heart on my sleeve, loving with all of my heart, only to have it kicked around by thsoe whom it has been given to to take care of. Yeah yeah yeah. this is life the way everyone lives now. NO IT ISN"T! I see how others live in other areas and they truly give their all for the ones they love and they stick it out for them. they do for them, they care/love them and they are not afraid to show it. Have I been afraid to show I care for others?

YES I have. Why? Because I have thought that showing I care would only hurt another because of someone else's actions. That if I show up, if I talk to or call, that If I write, that those would be considered 'violations' but the other person and they would end up getting hurt by MY actions and I cannot, CANNOT do that to another. I cannot hurt another because I want to be in their lives. I have to KNOW it is ok to do so before I do it because I would never forgive myself if I knew that my actions would hurt another and i am in no place, financially or otherwise, to be able to help others if they ever got into a position where they needed more than I could give. I would give anything I could but some people need more than we can do for and if I put someone in a position to need those things and couldn't offer them, then what kind of person or friend would I be? Selfish. Only because I wanted that person in MY life and it is obvious by others actions that those few people I speak of, do not want to be in mine. It is their loss. I am not a bad person. I am truly a good person, with a BIG heart and a big heart that gets hurt a LOT. yeah, that is my naivety again shining through. My hubby tries to protect me from that pain. Sheltering me away from those whom he knows will hurt me in the long run because he can 'see' that my heart is out there and that feeling, that love, that caring is not being returned from others. makes me feel like a failure in so much of my life. Do i have friends? A few. Anyone close to me near by. One I think I could count nearby. We aren't close close but I trust her and love her. anyone else? no. Why? because we never talk. we never speak. And it isn't just one person, its the few I have been close to in the last year or two.

Why can't people be more like the children we used to be, just with the added responsibilities? Why? Because people get hurt and instead of forgetting the pain and hurts, like children do, as adults, we choose to hold onto that pain and that anger and carry it with us and not forgive and not move on with / to others. We choose to hide in our own lives and not be a part of others lives and just or own to protect our selves and to make it where if others do not 'fit' into our puzzle of a life, we leave them out of it and shut it off / aside and move on. But as children, we found a way to make all the puzzle parts fit. We found a way to move on and love and care for those who made us made or upset. We loved, unconditionally and completely, wholly and truly. There was not a wishy washy, today then not tomorrow type of feelings. Love was love and that is how it should be. Caring for others is not something that just gets shut off in the human brain. WE do it ourselves, as adults. WE choose to move on and decide to shut out this or that in our lives, this person or that person in our lives, because they no longer 'fit' our life puzzle. yeah, I am pretty much just rolling now here. My thoughts running a mile a minute wondering why and wondering why i am here even caring enough to write it down and wondering who might care enough to read this or reply to it because it is so long or because it is boring or because it is bs in their book and they move on. I wonder truly, would I be missed if I just didn't come back for a while, a day, a week, a month, a year? Who would really and truly read this, miss me and try to find me again, without facebook? Who would want to still be in my life or a part of my life? If I sent this out to all of those whom I truly cared for, would they read it, would they want to try to make our lives a better place for each other or would they just shrug their shoulders and move on? Having a melancholy day? Yeah...Ever since my surgery, I have had a lot of melancholy moments but it has all been leading to this and more. Starting to truly wonder...all this and more...