On Creepy Garfield Art and Getting Engaged

I turned 41 this year, and getting older has been strange, especially since the Internet got ahold of someone I consider to be my dream brother: Garfield.

What I’m talking about is “Creepy Garfield” art. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a series of cartoons featuring Garfield as a monster stalking Jon. It’s mostly sci-fi and body horror Cronenberg-style drawings.

My friends sometimes post this Dark Garfield art on my wall — and I appreciate it, I do love to see all of Garfield’s incarnations, even the upsetting ones. There’s even a subreddit for Creepy Garfield art called r/imsorryjon.

Picture a bloated Garfield the size of a star pouring the dark light of his essence directly into Jon’s eyes and Jon saying “I can see forever and it’s bad.” Or Garfield as one of the monsters from Annihilation, with tentacles coming out of his face and the caption is “This lasagna recipe requires your DNA, Jon.”

I’ve seen a lot of Garfields in my forty one years on this Earth. I’ve seen sparkling BLINGEE Garfield that says “Oh Damn It’s Monday.” I’ve seen pregnant Garfield holding his belly while a proud Sonic looks on (the producers of the new Sonic movie are cowards for not putting this in).

And of course I’ve seen Garfield Minus Garfield — the point of which is that Garfield is not there. They snapped Garfield out of existence like Thanos. This is what happens when Heathcliff gets the Infinity Stones.

Garfield is like CBD oil, you can really put him in anything and it kinda works. But I just don’t know about this new Cthulhu world-devouring version of America’s favorite orange Tabby.

Not to sound like “back in my day we had nice Garfield” but when I was a kid, Garfield was a positive presence in my life. Garfield was created the same year I was born, in 1978. I think the fact that we both came into the world around the same time made me feel I had a connection to him as a character.

A love of Garfield was the only thing my childhood enemy Byron Henderson and I had in common. Byron had a mullet and a ton of Garfield merch. We’d shoot the shit about Garfield, then we’d go out to recess, and he’d punch me in the face. Garfield can only do so much conflict resolution, I guess.

When I met my girlfriend Cherry, one of the first things I loved about her was her collection of coffee mugs, and specifically a glass mug of Garfield rowing a kayak and saying, “I’m easy to get along with when things go my way” And yeah — I guess that’s true Garfield. I’m glad we came on this kayaking trip, but you’re kind of being a bitch.

I was already catching feelings for Cherry, but when she started sending me pics holding that Garfield mug, I was in love. And Garfield didn’t steer me wrong — Cherry and I are engaged now. Do I base all my romantic choices on whether Garfield appears like a good omen to bless the relationship? Absolutely.

It’s like they always say: Garfield will appear at true love’s kiss. And by “they,” I mean Jim Davis.

I think of Garfield as a helpful visitor from the spirit world. It wouldn’t surprise me if Garfield has been appearing in different forms since the beginning of time. Garfield has always been here, just waiting to be born. Jim Davis has known this since the first time he did DMT.

So it’s a little jarring that the Garfield spirit guide that led me to my true love just a few years ago has shapeshifted into an eldritch nightmare now. “Hey Garfield, my old friend! Is that you gnawing on Jon Arbuckle’s bones?!”

I know that I can’t control what people do with Garfield, and that spending 41 years in our collective unconscious is going to produce some horrifying versions. He’s been deep fried for four decades in the lasagna pan of our dreams, and if I ever get a Garfield weed tattoo I know what to write on the bong.

I think the form that Garfield takes reflects the times we live in, and obviously things are beyond fucked up right now, so we got a fucked up Garfield. It reminds me of the corrupted boar God Nago in Princess Mononoke, who was turned into a demon by an iron ball created by man’s destruction of nature.

It makes me wonder, who will pull the iron ball from Garfield’s belly? I think that like all spirits born from the minds of men, he will only be healed when we are healed as well.

Or when we pry the Infinity Gauntlet from Heathcliff’s paws. He found it in the junkyard where he lives. Somebody left it in a trashcan under a fishbone.

In the meantime, I’m getting married next year and I couldn’t be happier about it. We’re doing a Garfield-themed wedding. Cherry will be wearing an orange and black dress, and Jim Davis will be officiating. We’re both changing our last name to Arbuckle and Cherry is going to heave a pan of lasagna at the crowd instead of throwing the bouquet.

But if we change our minds, just know that he’ll be there in spirit. After all, Garfield is my dream brother. He introduced me to my wife.

Garfield Is That You was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

👩🏼‍🚀 Hey there! I’m Little Dale, the astronaut! Jason asked me to come out and introduce the article. What can I say, Jason made some GIFs from the Dark Phoenix trailer and wrote some stuff about them! Okay back to being the warden of space jail, bye!

ALERT! ALERT! A report from the front of the ship—this dude is yelling at you. I bet this is what it looks like to argue with your boyfriend on the X-Men ride at Universal Studios. He’s been listening to a lot of podcasts!

Does Universal Studios have the rights to make an X-Men ride? Pretty bold if they don’t! Seems like if you want to make a ride you should be able to make it about anything you want. Is an amusement park ride really “about” anything? Yes, always.

The Cyclone ride is about what it would be like to be inside a cyclone. The scream machine is about a machine that generates screams. Batman the ride is about Batman.

Wonder how much leeway you get with characters for rides. Could you put a guy in a Batman suit at the end of the Batman ride with a pail that has STUDENT LOAN DEBT FORGIVENESS — DO NOT THROW ON THE POOR stenciled on the side? And he’s legally allowed to buy and forgive your student loan debt with a short ceremony that involves him throwing water from the pail on you and muttering “you’re forgiven, you’re forgiven”?

Seems like it would be pretty tough for Warner Bros to litigate. Like, we put Batman in there, what do you want? You didn’t say he couldn’t forgive student loan debt after all the loopedy loops. He’s a billionaire with a good heart! If anything he’s in character. And the water would be very refreshing. La Croix, baby!

[Kate Bush voice]

Be running up that wood
Be running up that hill
Be knocked into that building
Say, if I only could, oh…

“Helmet problems. I’m having helmet problems. My beautiful helmet is flying away in three different directions right off my head.” This is what Magneto is thinking.

My gf Cherry left her phone in an Uber earlier this week, and it was very upsetting. She couldn’t log in to her uber account either because she couldn’t remember her password, and they sent all the password reset stuff via text to the phone that was long gone.

So here’s me, the third party, trying to talk to a live person and guess what—Uber doesn’t have a phone number. They want everything to be sent via messages through the Uber app, completely putting aside the fact that nobody wants to send a message and wait and just hope for the best, they want a human in their ear immediately to tell them everything’s gonna be all right.

That’s what’s so curious to me about companies like Uber—they want to coast on bare minimum problem solving, like, we found you a driver dum-dum, what more do you want?

Oh I don’t know, Uber—maybe a little more help when a problem comes up in the situation that you directly facilitated??

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Magneto’s helmet. Thank God Uber doesn’t make helmets to protect you from telepathy in the X-Men world because Magneto would be frantically googling some combination of “UBER helmet human call support line talk to person” and finally begrudgingly send a message through the app.

Well Magneto you might as well just slap a sticker on your head that says TELEPATH ME PLEASE at that point cause you ain’t getting helped.

Epilogue: Thanks to the awesome Uber driver my gf got her phone back. How’d I do it? I called the only number available online—the one supposedly reserved for emergencies. I guess an Uber executive would read this and be like “the system works—La Croix, baby!”

Here they are—my essential oils.

“I am a hamburger patty. I am being flame-broiled. I accept this.” That’s what Professor X is thinking. “Lower me into the flame, I’m a big whopper”

Having Professor X turn into a burger is a beautiful way to end the movie imo. Kind of an Ouroboros feel to it. Answer me this—if the Ouroboros’s tail isn’t delicious, why is he always trying to eat it?

Well that’s the end of all my Dark Phoenix stuff, and you guessed it, Debt Forgiving Batman is now Venmo Bruce Wayne after getting sued. Now you Venmo him whatever you can at the end of the ride and he’ll “see what he can do.” They even took away his pail!

Thanks to Little Dale the astronaut for introducing these GIFs and for deciding to close space jail while I wrote this article! It was the right thing to do! Peace ✌️

Telepath Me Please was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Yep-I Made a Bunch of Rise of Skywalker GIFs and Wrote About Them

If you’re here for a film critic’s analysis of the Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker trailer, this ain’t it. To quote my tattoo of Chewbacca riding a BIRD scooter for the first time: “we’ll see what happens!”

So let’s look at these Star Wars GIFs I made on GIPHY and read the little blurbs I wrote about each one. Rise of Skywalkers, down with trash talkers, etc. I’m just a Wookie solving the “last mile” problem on an e-scooter, and you are all the pedestrians on the sidewalk I’m plowing through.

First up: the title screen: Star Wars. No shit, welcome to space!

I do like how the Star Wars logo opens itself to reveal a little treasure. Like the parting lips of a mouth with a tongue made of letters saying “the Rise of Skywalker.” love it. Give the dentist something to read.

Man look at those gloves — very stylish! Where do you think you get good gloves in the Star Wars universe? The only time I wear gloves is when I’m riding the MARTA train and I don’t want to touch the pole I’m holding. As much as I love riding it, MARTA is nasty as hell.

Now that it’s spring, I don’t carry gloves on me so sometimes I just gotta grab whatever and deal with it. If I found a lightsaber on MARTA I would not want to pick it up with my bare hands. I’d want a pair of those fancy sith gloves.

I wonder who has the nastiest lightsaber in the Star Wars universe. Seems like there’s all kind of gross creatures running around in the cantina just singing and grabbing at you, surely you’re gonna get some stuff on your lightsaber.

Is there a lightsaber out there that you just wouldn’t want to touch that belongs to a freaky Jedi? Or do lightsabers just clean themselves with the Force?

If I was a Midichlorian in a lightsaber I would resent having to clean the hilt. What do I look like, MidiClorox? That’s my cousin. you clean it! I’m the spirit of space magic, not a swiffer.

Then again, maybe cleaning the hilt is a rewarding process. if I may quote Thich Nhat Hanh: “There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes to wash the dishes.”

And if I may quote my other tattoo of Chewbacca eating out of a styrofoam container that has SOMEONE ELSE’S UBER EATS ORDER written on it: “plates are for thots!”

A note for J.J. Abrams: maybe put a shot of a droid coming into the TIE fighter cockpit holding a bunch of gloves like HERE ARE THE GLOVES YOU ORDERED MASTER KYLO REN. Gloves just spilling out of its arms. And then Kylo Ren gives it a big smooch on the cheek. mmmwah!

Can I just say I’d love to see some Sith dirt bikes pop up out of the TIE fighter when Rey jumps over it? how cool would that be? like the Atlanta twins, Post Malone, and Riff Raff with their nasty ass lightsabers on some sith dirtbikes taking swipes.

You may think dirt bikes have no place in Star Wars but it seems like they’re always on some desert planet just playing around in the dirt. hell i’m surprised those bougie gloves aren’t covered in dust. If you can make a hologram, you can make a dirt bike. That would be my first initiative as sith lord — dirt bikes in every TIE fighter ready to launch out in the air with some greasy dudes on them just ready to scrap, or sell you edibles.

I don’t like this GIF—too red!

I hope I never get body slammed. It’s very rude! Bout as rude as it gets imo. But then again Kylo Ren stabbed his dad so not a big surprise. And he’s holding a lightsaber with his slammin’ hand. You shouldn’t hold weapons when you’re doing wrestling moves.

It’s like when your cousin from Florida holds his new knife while he puts you in a headlock. Put that shit down, dude! Has anybody in the Star Wars universe ever said that to Kylo Ren? “Put that shit down, dude! I’m not playing!” He’d prolly just laugh.

What if you took your dad to Dave & Buster’s and he tried VR? How can your Dad trust what’s real when you leave?

How does he know the VR helmet isn’t still on? Once you enter a simulation can you ever really say one hundred percent you’ve left it?

A friendly follow-up e-mail would help clear things up. Like RE: your recent visit to Dave & Buster’s

Dear sir or madam,

We just wanted to let you know that any events you are experiencing are what we’ve all objectively agreed on as “reality” and not the simulated reality you experienced in our Lawrenceville location. All actions are permanent and the human soul has not been verified. Attached is a coupon for another hour of VR (WINK EMOJI)

Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Buster. Thanks, grinning Skynet Terminator skull on the VR coupon.

Man, I love H&M. The clothes have great patterns and they’re cheap as hell. I feel like a little color in your wardrobe never hurt anybody. Even though I bought some cheap shoes there that put a blister on my ankle immediately.

Goddamn, can nobody kill C-3PO? How many times has this robot been shot at in his life? He’s made of gold, he’s easy to see! He’d look pretty good in a patterned shirt from H&M though. Why don’t robots dress in clothes more in Star Wars? Everybody else is letting their freak flag fly with scarves and blasters on the hip, you think a droid in a short-sleeve floral print is gonna raise any eyebrows?

Here it is-our AirBnb.

There’s a lot of hugging in the Star Wars universe. Google “star wars hug” and you’ll see plenty of hugging. Chewbacca hugging Han, Luke hugging Leia, Minions hugging porgs—if you’re in the Star Wars universe and don’t get hugged you must be a real prick.

I follow Carrie Fisher’s french bulldog Gary on instagram. I think frenchies are good luck. Gross little good luck goblins.

Other than his insane tongue, Gary looks like my frenchie Gotham. I wouldn’t mind giving Gary a big old hug for luck. Gimme that “star wars hug,” Gary! Seems like a good way to get kicked out of a convention.

Well, we’ve come to the end of the lightsaber hilt and I’m all out of wet wipes. Time to shut it all down! To quote my third tattoo of Chewbacca organizing a LYFT driver union meeting: “it’s been real, players!” ✌

Every Skywalker that Rises Must Converge was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Jason and Julian review the GIFs of the Aquaman Trailer

JASON

Well, Julian—here it is! The logo for Aquaman splashing you in the face! I wish the logo for Batman v Superman would come in after this and offer you a towel. One logo washes, the other dries. One logo always tells the truth, the other one always lies!

Julian, would you say you’re more of an Aquaman logo or a Batman v Superman logo? Or some kind of poly logofluid Batman v Superman v Aquaman v Jason v Julian logo??

JULIAN

Jason everyone knows that I’m usually a traditionalist when it comes to logos. McDonald’s, Ford, the Red Cross: I’ve always preferred my logos CLASSIC and DRY. But I’m learning something new about myself today: I like my logos w-e-t WET. Maybe it’s the record setting global heat waves, maybe it’s my commitment to raising awareness of ocean issues (btw you should be aware that the ocean has a ton of ISSUES), but I’m all about this Aquaman logo. Batman’s bat, Superman’s S, these logos are so dry, they may as well belong to the Shamwow. The only fluidity I want in my logos is when they’re covered in fluids, seawater preferably but lord knows I’ve spent more than my fair share of nights in the backroom of a seedy bar, getting fluids all over my personal logo. So there you have it! It’s a stunning upset for the many, many people who regularly follow my logo write-ups, but Aquaman’s wet logo has me dripping… with approval!

JASON

Here’s something we can all approve of, Julian: Aquaman being bullied at the aquarium.

Just wondering: does this shark intervene every time a kid gets bullied? Or is he only stepping in for his future boss? Obviously, he understands the concept of bullying. What is this shark’s deal? Also, sharks eat humans. But Aquaman is king of the sharks? But sharks are sharks, dude—and a shark loves to eat a human!

It would be like if a anthropomorphic pork belly sandwich (cartoon arms and legs, googly eyes, you get the idea) was also my king. And then I see the pork belly sandwich get bullied so I bang against the glass of the restaurant but I’m also like: I want to eat that pork belly sandwich.

And then an angel pork belly sandwich appears on one shoulder and says, “He’s a good king! He’s fair! Let him decide the laws of our nation!” followed by a devil pork belly sandwich who says, “may the only law be the law of HUNGER!” while clapping come barbecue tongs.

I dunno, Julian what do you think? Should we eat Aquaman?

JULIAN

Jason, I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what Aquaman is, how his powers work, the mental capacity of a shark, a shark’s natural diet, and my opinion of bullying. I’ll be the first to say it: Bullying? NO THANKS. That’s just not how things work in the aquariums of my America! The only person who should be bullied in an aquarium is whichever employee is responsible for whichever beluga whale dying that day and Aquaman would never be responsible for an animal getting killed. Unless of course he used his aquatic creature command power to put them in harm’s way, which now that I’m thinking about it, he does regularly. So maybe Aquaman deserves to be bullied? After all, I’ve heard bullying builds character according to the far-right Southern Baptist school counselors who thought it was fine when I was called “homo” in high school so basically what I’m getting at is I need to hear the tape. I need the audio to hear what’s going on here.

Should Aquaman be bullied? Probably not. Should we eat him? I’d have to hear the tape. Do we, as an audience, really need to see Aquaman bullied to understand him as a character? Absolutely not. But listen, it takes a lot of bench presses to go from a scrawny nerd in an aquarium to a jacked-as-fuck Jason Momoa sending already endangered sea creatures to die in a war they have no say in. Call me a homo all you want, Jason (actually please don’t), but I’m fine with whatever it takes to turn Aquaman into the hard-drinking, poorly-tatted, Mastodon-listening king of the ocean he is today.

JASON

Well here he is, Julian! All tatted up in a submarine and he’s kicking ass! You think it’s weird that Aquaman is also super strong? I do. He’s supposed to be able to commune with fish and swim around. Why would he also need to be incredibly strong? If anything the fish should be doing the heavy lifting for him. Where’s the fish army in this submarine? Like, put this Aquaman GIF out of your mind for a minute. Now I come up to you and say, “Hey Julian would you like to meet my friend who can telepathically speak to fish and has water powers?” Who would you picture, the head Dothraki from Game of Thrones or that fish man that got his dick sucked in The Shape of Water?

And where’s that anti-bullying Melania Trump shark? Aquaman is bullying the shit out of these Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six extras.

JULIAN

Jason, have you ever swum in the ocean before? It’s wild down there. Waves, tides, whirlpools, charybdises, you NAME it. You have to be able to outswim it. Jason, turn your head 30 degrees to the left and look at the Michael Phelps poster you keep next to your computer. Look at the musculature on that swimmy boy. That’s what someone who swims in a POOL looks like. So no, I’m not surprised that Aquaman is jacked as fuck. If anything, there should be a scene of Aquaman leading a geriatric water aerobics class and one of the old guys in the class says “if I start to look like that, can I call you later?” and an old lady in the class says “If you look like that, you can call me anything you want.” Then the old lady drowns herself to get CPR from Aquaman and when she’s revived she looks directly at the camera, grins widely, and says “I just had sex with Aquaman.”

You ask me if Aquaman should look like Khal Drogo or the fish that bakonged the lady from Paddington and Paddington 2. I ask you: why not both? Would it really kill the film to give Mr. Momoa some gills and a retractable dick sheathe? Imagine the benefit of Jason Momoa, wandering around, fully erect, when suddenly there’s an emergency. The sheathe opens, the dick retracts, and Aquaman goes about saving the world. Then, when peace has been restored, he returns to the pool at the senior center, the sheathe reopens and the old lady from earlier looks directly at the camera, grins widely, and says “I’ll have what sheathe’s having.”

JASON

Goodbye, goat! Goodbye, the ocean! Goodbye, water in general! Hello, linen shirt and pants! Is Aquaman skydiving into a Reiki healing class at Burning Man? Raise your goat hoof if you feel like we’re getting as far from the ocean as possible in this GIF?? Like put a bottle of Dasani in the shot or something. I suppose it’s possible an octopus or some sea creature is flying the plane.

Makes me wonder: If you could control an entire school of fish and fill an airplane with water could you theoretically fly a plane using the school of fish? Like make them form the shape of a pilot and work the controls?? Hell you could re-enact Sully if you had enough fish! You just have to find a fish who looks like Tom Hanks to be the head. Then you’d have to fill a courtroom with water and do the whole trial scene. “You didn’t land that plane right!” School of fish in the shape of Tom Hanks as Sully struggling to bang a gavel — you get the idea. Wait, was Sully also a judge? I never saw it!

JULIAN

You know, when I heard they were making an Aquaman movie, I thought “oh great, another ‘fish in the water’ movie” so seeing this clip has me relieved that Hollywood is breaking with tradition and going with a “fish OUT of water” movie. What you can’t hear in this clip is that, when Aquaman realizes he is plummeting into the desert, he utters his famous catchphrase “oopsie-doopsie, I jumpeded too early!” If he had only waited a few more minutes, the plane would have been over the open water and Aquaman would have plunged in gracefully like Michael Phelps if he was a diver instead of the other kind of Olympic pool athlete. Will Aquaman survive? And if so, how?

Maybe there are some lost seagulls stranded in the desert that Aquaman can summon. Is that how his power works? Does it extend to birds? What about cacti? Lord knows they’re just chock full of water. Does that mean they’re within Aquaman’s psychic purview? Can he just order all the cacti in the desert to shed their needles and throw themselves down forming a succulent pillow to catch Aquaman? I know that cacti aren’t animals, Jason, but what about the cacti from the Super Mario video games? You know, the ones with lovable faces that wriggle around and you can throw turnips at them to kill them. Are those animals? Can Aquaman control them? How many turnips would Aquaman need if those cacti decided not to obey him and would Aquaman even know what a turnip is? What about sea turnips? How about a sea cucumber? Those are animals so surely this would work!? Honestly, this GIF is raising a lot of questions that I don’t think the makers of Aquaman are prepared to answer.

JASON

Well, how about this turnip, Julian — here’s Turniphead, the villain of Aquaman, turning up in another non-aquatic location — the Uncharted series, from the looks of it. “I’ll kill you, Nathan Drake!”

They should call this movie Aquaman: Turn Down the Ocean. Get ready for water-adjacent adventure next to the high seas!

JULIAN

The ocean, eh. It’s overrated and overdone. We’ve already had plenty of films about the ocean: Splash, Captain Ron, um, probably some others. Now the land, the land is where it’s at! Think of all the great films we’ve had that take place on land. The Terminator, When Harry Met Sally, Citizen Freaking Kane! Nobody wants to see Citizen Kane flopping about in some maritime riptide! Rosebud was a sled, not a boogie board!

Now I’m not saying that Aquaman is the Citizen Kane of the DC Universe but, well, based on their previous entries, it certainly has the potential to be. Also, in this analogy, Batman v Superman is the Splash of the series, Wonder Woman is the Captain Ron, and Justice League is the All The Money In The World except Christopher Plummer should have been brought in to replace every single actor in the film. Anyways, in fifty years, when your granddaughter is a graduate student at DC University, writing her thesis “Aquaman, Captain Ron and the Shape of Water: Films That Make Me Wet,” you’ll wish you had been replaced by Christopher Plummer and that Rosebud WAS a boogie board because all the money in the world won’t help you boogie board away from the memory of your granddaughter getting all horny while defending her thesis.

JASON

Uhh if anything is the “Rosebud” of Aquaman, it’s the trident. Aquaman don’t need no sled, he needs a trident, okay? Did you see him clap back at that trident? Hey, it’s #clapbackthursday not #tridenttuesday. Weird that everyone underwater is carrying a big fork around with them. Like, everyone. Waiting on that oversized bowl of pasta to fall off the deck of a ship, I guess. Leaving your trident at home must be like leaving your phone at home, except your trident doesn’t turn up its microphone when it overhears you criticize Amazon. Does Aquaman’s world even know what Amazon is or have a shipping system? How do his fellow fish people send tridents to each other on All Trident’s Day?

JULIAN

If you thought buying things online was tough in our world, you won’t believe how it works in Aquaman’s. They don’t have Amazon.com; they’ve just got an Amazon. Basically any time anyone buys anything online, Wonder Woman has to drop what she’s doing, get in her invisible plane, fly to a distribution center, work 12 hours without taking a break or using the bathroom, box up the items, get back in her invisible jet, and drop off Sally Civilian’s instant pot in Sioux City. Then, if she’s not too tired, she’s gotta go back out to finish fighting Cheetah. And Cheetah’s just tied up in a golden lasso, laughing her little kitty butthole off, and when Wonder Woman is like “What are you laughing at?” Cheetah just says “You pissed yourself Wonder Woman” and it’s the truth! Because even though Wonder Woman is the only worker in this world’s Amazon, Jeff Bezos is still the boss.

Do you think Lex Luthor is ever like “Hey Jeff, do you think you could throw on a wig? We can have two billionaire CEOs with no scruples and a desire to crush the common man but you’re cribbing my look!” And then Jeff gets into his Kryptonite-powered exoskeleton but instead of fighting Superman, he just punches his employees for talking to one another. Look, all I’m saying is if there’s a vacuum of power in the Legion of Doom and they have to elect the most evil person to run it, I got a feeling Jeff Bezos is going to be sipping champagne while Gorilla Grodd is stuck doing all the manual labor and pissing his pants because there are no bathroom breaks. BUT WHERE DID HE GET THE GORILLA SIZED PANTS!?

JASON

Well Julian, we’ve come to our last GIF — we had a lot of fun here and we learned a lot about dry land. I feel like a goat in an airplane saying goodbye to all these Aquaman GIFs! Here’s a GIF of us elevating Aquaman GIFs to the status of high art. As usual, Aquaman is not only trying to leave the ocean but he’s taking a submarine with him. I just don’t think he likes being in the water!

JULIAN

Jason, if someone tried to park a car in your home, would you let it just sit there? Or would you use your superstrength to lift the car out of your home and fling it into the open sky? Case closed! Even the Honorable Justice Pilot Sully would have to dismiss this case from his floating airplane courtroom. Would he be happy about Aquaman then pushing his plane out of the Hudson River? Heck no, but from a legal standpoint, there’s nothing he could do! I may not agree with Aquaman pushing miscellaneous vehicles out of bodies of water, but I would defend with my life his right to do so. And in this way, maybe the REAL Justice League was the justice inside us all along!

Jason Mallory lives in Atlanta and considers himself the “Aquaman of La Croix”

Julian Modugno lives in Chicago and also considers Jason Mallory the “Aquaman of La Croix.”

Aquamamma Mia! Here We GIF Again was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Tom Rittenhouse and Jason Mallory Review 10 GIFs From the Trailer for ‘A Wrinkle in Time’

JASON

What’s up, Tom! Welcome to our series where we cut 10 GIFs from a movie trailer and discuss them with a guest! For this edition, we’re taking a closer look at the GIFs of A Wrinkle in Time!

First of all, this is one of my favorite books of all time — as a nerdy kid who thought he was ready to fight the ultimate evil in an alternate dimension yet was also bullied daily and enjoyed a weird frenemy relationship with his bully over a shared love of Garfield compilations, this was the perfect book for me. So I’m very excited to see this movie, and very excited to share this first GIF with you.

GIF #1: “Activia® Probiotic Yogurt”

JASON

Tom, I know we’re supposed to get an eerie feeling of otherworldliness from this shot (and I do) but I also get the urge to enjoy every moment and feel good from within, as instructed by the website for Activia® Probiotic Yogurt. Take charge of your day with Activia® “A Wrinkle in Lime” flavored yogurt. What does this shot of Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who, and Mrs. Which in a field make you think of??

TOM

Hey Jason, I’ve always loved your yogurt-centric POV. It’s weird but 100% you, and nobody can touch that. For me I just wonder why they spaced themselves apart that way. Here’s this massive field and then all of a sudden, whoa, here are these three very cool spirit goddesses things! But their equidistance troubles me. Were they like “let’s not stand right next to each other, let’s space it out”? Because then I’d think that they’re a bit superficial, which is the opposite of spiritual — time goddesses don’t get in their own heads like that. And then I’d be like “nah I don’t need to listen to them, they’re dealing with their own stuff right now.” So now I’m back to square one. Am I doing this right, Jason?

JASON

The only way to do any of this right is to enjoy every moment and feel good within™. As far as all this equidistant standing goes, it’s a little thing called blocking, Tom — a word as sweet as honey to every theatre major and as tart as Activia® to every creep who’s ever tried to slide into the DMs and gotten blocked. Speaking of getting blocked, could you stand exactly ten feet to my right while we face forward and look at our next GIF?

GIF #2: “Chris Pine’s Tangerine Dream”

TOM

When animated GIFs were invented people were like “cool! This is better than a picture!” And then you bring me this GIF and I’m like “are we entering into a postmodern era of GIFs?” At first glance it looks like a still image of a sexy, unkempt man goofin’ like Porky Pig in front of the Looney Toons background. But if you look closely you can see that Chris Pine’s right arm is slightly jerking himself off under the frame. That’s what’s so cool about modern GIFs. In the olden days you have to settle for some gross, gratuitous, in-your-face representation of a man pleasuring himself. Yuck! But in today’s Graphics Interchange Format (GIF) landscape, you get America’s sweetheart doing a furtive jork and buttoning the whole thing with a “th-thee-th-thee-th-that’s all, folks!” It’s very refreshing.

JASON

Well, I guess this is one pig who WON’T be crying “wee wee wee’ all the way home! Tom, I admit that this GIF is a little understated — that its nuance and subtleties may go unnoticed by a GIF neophyte such as yourself who cries, “he’s jerking off, everybody!” in a crowded theater at the Wrinkle in Time premiere (I assume Oprah is sending us tickets after she reads this).

But yeah, I think you called it: Secretly Masturbating Chris Pine = Porky Pig’s Looney Tunes sign-off. The math checks out, dude! Hell, we could start our own type of math just using this one equation as the jumping off point. If one Porky Pig Looney Tunes sign-off = one Dick Wolf “howling wolf sound” Law & Order: Special Victims Unit closing tag, then how many Masturbating Chris Pines would you need to finish an entire season of Lifetime’s Devious Maids??

The world may never know, and we may never know why Mindy Kaling is running around with all these flowers in our next GIF!

GIF #3: “Kaling all sentient flowers”

JASON

My God, has it only been three GIFs?? Here’s the real wrinkle in time — the incredible amount of time it takes to write about these GIFs!

TOM

There’s product placement and then there’s doing a full-on commercial for Claritin. I’m really worried about this film. What do Mindy Kaling’s allergies have to do with A Wrinkle? Or Time? Let alone A Wrinkle IN Time! All this corporate placating is making me physically ill. My eyes are watery, my nose is runny. Jason, please point me to the nearest #1 Doctor Recommended Non-Drowsy Oral Allergy Brand.

JASON

Unlike its freaky mind-altering cousin Benadryl, Claritin helps my allergies without also opening the doors of perception, Tom — which is why I’m giving it the “Most Sensible Allergy Medicine 2018” award. Come to think of it, maybe this whole movie is one crazy Benadryl trip. Hell, maybe this “Most Sensible Allergy Medicine 2018” trophy I’m holding isn’t even real and is also the product of taking Benadryl. It’s like they say in the Benadryl jingle:

“One pill makes you wrinkle / And one pill makes you time / And the ones that Mindy gives you / Don’t do anything at all / Go ask Oprah / When she’s ten feet tall”

You get it, Tom — you’re into expanding your consciousness and all that stuff. So expand your mind with a GIF of this freaky ass creature from A Wrinkle in Time:

GIF #4: “Be Careful Who You Call Ugly In Middle School”

TOM

Damn, dawg. Do my eyes deceive me or does Jessica Rabbit have a sister who is an artichoke? This is the kind of thing that either makes you go full vegan or full the-meat-version-of-vegan. I love how extreme this movie definitely is based on the four GIFs I’ve seen so far. No apologies. Just loop upon loop of things I’d never expect to be DTF. But I’m experienced enough to know that this is definitely a look-don’t-touch scenario. You get caught with one finger on those steamy petals and Jolly Green Giant gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed.

JASON

Looks like this Cabbage Patch Kid is now a Cabbage Patch KWEEN! And I’m just over here like, “Shady, wait a minute, that’s my girl, dog!” Which, of course leads me to our next GIF:

GIF #5: “Final Fantasy XV DLC”

JASON

“YOU get a Chocobo, YOU get a Chocobo, everybody gets a CHOCOBO!!”

TOM

It just went from zero to Dragonball O real quick. One thing I always appreciate about Queen Winfrey’s work is that no matter what character she plays it will always be less powerful than her real life self. For example, sure the EDM goddess she’s portraying here can manipulate time through disgusting bass drops, but can she make a Volvo XC90 appear under everyone’s seat? Didn’t think so. And that’s bigger than ANY wrinkle or ANY time. Oprah will never die and obviously this book/movie is about her and OH MY GOD HOW AM I JUST NOW REALIZING ALL OF THIS?!

JASON

Yeah, Tom — it’s a mindfuck and we’ve all been dealing with it for years. Here’s my impression of how it feels inside my brain when I try to comprehend Oprah’s omnipotence:

GIF #6: “Michael Douglas Presents “Falling Down 2: This Time a Kid Falls Down!”

JASON

Not pictured: the Minions balloon that caused this whole mess.

TOM

I know I’m about to sound crazy here, but this is obviously director Ava Duvernay’s nod to the Millenial Struggle™. This young man has just been thrust from his comfy nest into a bottomless job market void. Sure it looks nice from afar, but the reality of that lush Career Peninsula® is a lifelong plummet with a pocketful of student loans. When you finally come back down to earth you’re in your late 30s, broken, sand in your crevices, and your only sense of pride is that you’re “never having kids.” I guess life IS a beach. Hey Jason, this one bummed me out. GIF me a fun one now!

GIF #7: “Who is She”

JASON

I’m more taken aback by his tracksuit than his red eyes. Is this a fun GIF? When does a GIF become fun? How much fun can a GIF be? Is there a maximum level of fun that a GIF can bring a human being without being a porn GIF? I don’t know, Tom — I don’t know if we’ll ever test the limits of human GIF-produced fun. How would you even measure how much fun you’re having looking at a GIF?

TOM

Now we’re talking! Alright, Jason, for me the thing that stands out the most is here is this freaky Dr. Candybags rocking a butterfly mustache, Fruit Stripes evening wear, red eyes, and sunglasses that are also competitive swim goggles, and he’s all like “what the funk is that I see?” I mean it’s got to take a whole lot for a character like him to drop shades like that. Sure I wanna know more about this gentleman who clearly managed to talk his way into getting a PhD in Coachella Studies, but I REALLY wanna know what he’s peepin’! Can I get an MDMAmen!?

JASON

He’s actually looking at a can of Key Lime La Croix. It’s a little stronger than regular La Croix but I love key lime pie so I don’t mind the less subtle overtones of this brash new flavor. Actually, if the camera in this GIF could pan back it would reveal that his jacket says “L.A. Boys LOVE L.A. Croix” What does your jacket say, Tom? Something about this next GIF??!

GIF #8: “A Trip to the Apple Store”

TOM

My jacket’s bedazzled “Call Out Culture” because I’m about to roll these trolls. Again, I’ve never read the book, but I’m assuming these shitheads represent the patriarchy. Sure they’re acknowledging the glass ceiling, but they’re doing it all shitty, like “oh thiiiiiis glass ceiling?” and they frolic all over it. I wouldn’t be surprised if all of their dialogue started with “Actually…” I hope Reese Witherspoon throws them in a vat of toxic masculinity.

JASON

Actually… these kids are SQUASHING the patriarchy and using their patriarch molecules to form invisible steps to climb the staircase to OPRAH’S PRESIDENCY, Tom! Yeah, it’s a “wrinkle in time” — as in it’s “time” for the “wrinkly” old ball sacs of the patriarchy to step aside!

You can’t tell from this GIF, but Oprah is at the top of this staircase and she’s got Trump in a headlock.

GIF #9: “weather-related joke”

TOM

This is the classic modern struggle. All too often do we forsake our human instincts for some flashy technology. I’m no lip reader, but it’s obvious this girl is asking “Do I need a rain jacket?” To which the boy responds, “Ok Google, does she need a rain jacket?” For crying out loud, kids, this is obviously umbrella weather! Idiots.

JASON

We got a Google Home speaker in our house. We treat it like a straight up dummy. It doesn’t really work with any of our other Apple devices, so it just interjects into the conversation when it thinks someone is talking to it, which no one EVER IS. “Shut up, DUMMY!” I often yell at our Google Home speaker. Honestly, I should just unplug it since all it does is listen, Tom. Just listening and waiting. Filing away every instance I scream “NO ONE IS TALKING TO YOU, YOU IDIOT MACHINE” at it for later use. I mean, it’s just tied to my Google account, which is only the account I use for everything in my life, no big deal. I guess what I’m saying, Tom, is be mean to your robots while you can. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, so to speak. “Hey Google, gather these rosebuds!” And while you’ve got a big old stack of rosebuds why don’t you smoke one for our trippy, mind-blowing, reality-bending FINAL GIF!!!

GIF #10: “Jeff Sessions Wants to Outlaw This GIF Because He Thinks Weed is in It”

TOM

What a benign GIF you’ve selected to end this journey. We’ve seen hot plant monster babes and pervy Chris Pines. We’ve seen very scary weather and even Oprah tha Everliving. It’s been a high-octane, exotic feast for the eyes. Yet in our finale, we’re brought home to a simple, understated tale that speaks to an experience every single one of us has had: trespassing through a garden on a mission to assassinate our neighbor who’s been secretly building a nuclear death cannon made to look like a weather vane pointed directly at the local elementary school and will fire when the wind blows due north. I guess the truth is stranger than fiction and that means this movie is gonna be real good.

Thanks for asking me to explore all of these cool GIFs, Jason. I told my therapist that I don’t need to see her for a while because of the profound effect this exercise had on me. She is very worried about me, but that’s her problem. I’m gonna Freud-out on an artichoke!

JASON

Well, Tom—it’s been a long, strange journey through all these GIFs! Maybe I’m just a dreamer, but I think we may have changed a few lives and made some quick cash on Bitcoin in the process.

Au revoir, GIFs! Au revoir, Oprah! Au revoir, Tom, may you have as many wrinkles in time as in your shirt, and please remember: “L.A. Boys LOVE L.A. Croix!!”

10 GIFs, One Big Wrinkle was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A demonic smoke fiend has stolen all the smoke in the city of Atlanta to use for his flamboyant and theatrical smoke show!

Admittedly, the show is very good, with many unbelievable feats of smoke magic that will astound you. But ever since he stole all the smoke no one can get high, enjoy cigarettes, or open any hookah bars!

We asked our contributors: “How do you convince this smoke fiend to give back all our smoke so we can enjoy tobacco and weed again while also helping him maintain the quality level of his incredible smoke-themed stage show without robbing Atlanta of its smoky delights!??”

Jerad Alexander of of New York, NY writes:

Well, it looks like you managed to get away with it. I saw it all happen on video this morning. You took the smoke of the city and blew up the stadium, the old stadium, the dome, the Georgia Dome. You robbed all the smoke from the weird alleys in East Atlanta Village and tucked away in all the corners and crevices of Little Five Points. (Now I hear the Yacht Club smells like nicotine decay and the dead skin of vampires. Thanks for that.) You sucked the nightclub exhaust from the parking lots around MJQ, The Bookhouse Pub, and god-help-us The Clairemont Lounge. You jacked all the vape clouds and American Spirit redolence that gets pressed under the awning and around the dim lights of The Local on a humid summer evening. You blew into a money bag all the marijuana haze that curlicues down Boulevard and Moreland and all the hustle around downtown. All the joy of a good stoned evening, a warm fire pit, or the sweet hair-curl afterburn of a charcoal barbecue… Gone to MARTA northbound and Down. You stole it and moved it all to Cobb County, where the Great Whites live, the #MAGAs and the Red Hatters, up to Trump Country, so they can pack it into their fat, brown cigars rolled by cheap labor and oversold at strip malls near Golden Corral, so they can pack our smoke into all the money they’ll burn on bad beer and “CDs” of mid-aught rock music as they hide behind the metaled perimeters of their gates communities and the monster castle walls of their whites-only Shangri-la they refer to as “America.” And then, to make it sting one final bit, when you blew it all up, you blocked our view of it with a goddamn MARTA bus, and probably going the wrong way, too.

But it’s fine. Everything’s fine. I know a woman who makes weed lollipops. Next time I’m in town I might buy a few and walk down Ponce and see how far we get. Maybe we’ll get the to the end. Whatever. . . As long as it’s quiet.

Julian Modugno of Atlanta, Ga writes:

The solution to this problem is a simple one and as with most problems can be solved through the judicious use of municipal government. As such, I’d like to introduce City Ordinance #17-O-6969 also known as the “Give Us Back Our Smoke, Snoke!” This has nothing to do with the mysterious villain Snoke from the new Star Wars trilogy but municipal law needs a little pizzazz and nothing says pizzazz quite like some cross promotion with “The Last Jedi” in theaters December 15th, 2017. This ordinance BANS the use of all real smoke in ANY and ALL theatrical performances inside the city limits, effectively eliminating the point of the smoke fiend’s thefts.

From here, it’s just a matter of obtaining the appropriate bribes to grease the wheels of the municipal government and get our city council members on board. For Keisha Lance Bottoms, an entire set of oversized ribbon cutting scissors for whatever ribbon cutting she wants to insert herself into. For Mary Norwood, it’s a gold-plated MAGA hat that, with the push of a button, flips around and says “I BELIEVE WHAT YOU BELIEVE” instead of “Make America Great Again.” For the rest of the city council members, we provide their favorite thing of all: taxpayer money that they can blow on sending out re-election notices AND some tickets to the midnight release of “The Last Jedi” in theaters December 15th, 2017.

But have no fear, theatrical smoke aficionados. This doesn’t have to mean the end to hazy performances of derring-do. Article III section 4 of ordinance #17-O-6969 funds the retraining and allocation of twenty vape artists for whatever theatrical performance needs smoke effects. I’m talking all the best vape tricks: hazy double helix, tiny cheerios, rings in rings, the vaped crusader, and that trick where you vape through the big dangly ear lobe where your massive plug used to be but you had to take it out because it kept getting infected.

The City of Atlanta has a long and devoted commitment to the arts dating all the way back to June of 2017 and we are certain that this ordinance can keep our smoke-themed shows going strong, while protecting the health of those in the audience and letting everyone at home smoke all the sweet ganj they need to get through the hellscape of modern life. Also the ordinance bans all hookah bars in the city because gross you guys, that’s how herpes gets spread.

Greg Behrens of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Considering our constant roadside vehicle and apartment complex fires, anything with the capacity to pull all the smoke from Atlanta is truly powerful indeed. But if there’s one thing I know that smoke fiends hold in even higher regard than flamboyant theatrics, it’s flamboyant compromise. Much like Jeff Dunham needs some puppets to sell his racist homophobia, we all know the fiend needs some smoke to sell his magic, but he doesn’t need all of it, that’s just greedy.

So first off all incidental pollutant smoke can go directly to the fiend, i.e. anything residual from say dome implosions or bridge collapses. All restaurants will now send their excess smoke directly to the fiend, except for the Cookout locations, that’s ours to smell. As far as hookah bars are concerned, they’re easily the most stupid smoke producers but the frivolity involved should really help the magic show, so they’re all his. We get to keep all the cigarette and marijuana smoke while he is welcome to all of it second hand, and according to most propaganda it is equally if not more powerful than the first hand stuff. In fact to sweeten the deal, every Sunday morning, the fiend can go suck all the leftover smoke out of the Clermont Lounge, the Star Bar and East Atlanta Village. That alone should be more than a sufficient amount to create a magic show that could rival anything Criss Angel could do.

Jack Walsh of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Mr. SmokeFiend, as a discerning fan of strong-smelling vapors, I feel that you are a prime candidate for expanding into the exciting and growing field of aromatherapy. I can see you are skeptical. But let me tell you a story.

My former employer occasionally used a freelancer whose true passion was essential oils. She talked about this every time she came in, and the scented cloud that surrounded her like an miasmatic forcefield further attested to this. My nose and I tried to give her a fairly wide berth, but I managed to overhear that she had pursued some lofty, higher qualification in the field and was now a fully-licensed aromatherapist.

I didn’t realize, however, that this credential gave her some sort of James Bondesque License to Spritz. One day, she told me that I looked tired. This, of course, is up there along with “Smile” among Things One Just Loves To Be Told. But, I conceded that, yes, I was a bit tired and left it at that.

A few moments later, she came up and, without warning, dabbed either side of my neck with an essential oil that was supposed to stimulate me. Indeed, I was very stimulated in a way that can only come from the anger generated by such olfactory molestation, and I spent the rest of the day smelling like a potpourri basket’s butthole.

What I’m saying is: think of the power you could wield. You don’t need our noxious smoke when you could have rosemary essential oil for waking up, ylang ylang for memory, bergemot for relaxing, or lavender for, I dunno, juicifying your Thetans. Can I set you up with a starter assortment? We have an excellent multi-level marketing plan, and if you convince your fiends to become distributors…sorry did I say “fiends?” I meant “friends,” of course. Oh, you prefer “fiends?” Cool! Cool like the way your clients will feel after applying peppermint oil, in fact! Here, let’s just look at this brochure for a sec.

*sucker-dabs SmokeFiend’s pulse-points with wild orange oil, runs away with Atlanta’s smoke.*

Adam Lowe of Atlanta, Ga writes:

You ignorant mortals think this is just about smoke? Hookah Bars? FOOLS! This is about resurrecting our Master! For a full week and a half we have we have worked more or less every day in the shadows to bring about His beautiful demonic birth. All the planning! The sacrifice! The errands that required us to go OTP! Robert even gave up his Bocce Thursday. But it was worth it. And now we, His children, will receive His dark, sulfuric blessing.

The smoke released by the Georgia Dome’s glorious explosion is what sealed Atlanta’s fate, of course, but don’t think for a moment that it ends with the sacrifice of a single Atlantan landmark. On the contrary, the Gang of Emerging New Tourists Renting In Flocks In Fulton County/Atlanta Totally Is Ours Now (GENTRIFIC/ATION) has been working to bring about the cloudy demise of Atlanta’s most beloved landmarks.

Of course, we were nearly undone by the work of our nemeses, the Moms Against Resurrecting The Abyssal (MARTA), but by His will they arrived too late! Now He is free to wreak havoc and stage impressive smoke and laser shows to rival Stone Mountain’s! And before you ask, no, we aren’t destroying Stone Mountain. Our Master LOVES penny press machines and will never get over losing the War of Northern Aggression.

And while you suffer…and oh, how you will suffer…we will dance and worship at His cloven, soot-spackled feet. Each new smoke show venue will spring from the ashes of your old beloved haunts. Fox Theatre? Smoke show venue. El Myr? Also smoke show venue. Highland Ballroom? Do I smell a smoke show?

Card-carrying members of GENTRIFIC/ATION always get discounted tickets and backstage passes. The rest of you may stand outside the gates and pray to your ineffectual gods/zoning offices. Or you can join us now and be assigned a glorious place behind His merch table.

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A Smoke Fiend Has Stolen All the Smoke in Atlanta! was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Thanks to a settlement with ABC Family, we just got our hands on several boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars and we need to sell them FAST! Unfortunately, someone has already opened them! The cigars are fine, but you should know: these boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars are NOT sealed! We asked our contributors how they would sell these prank exploding cigars branded with the “Pretty Little Liars” logo!

Kevin Saucier of Atlanta, Ga writes:

How are you going to “smoke em if you got em” it you ain’t got em? So get em! Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars, new, in-box, though once taken out the box, because my little nephew loves to sniff cigars, and Roman Candles, and these were right up his alley. I mean, I set the box down in the alley where he lives for a couple minutes. The box was outside his box, and he thought it was a gift for him, so they’re opened. I was so mad, yelling “Kid! Man!” that people thought I was talking about Nicole, who’s great in Big Little Lies, but is not in Pretty Little Liars. Easy mistake to make. But don’t make the mistake of passing up this offer! One box of cigars for the price of you not telling anybody where you got them, okay? Just, be cool. Stick these under your bed for a couple days. Hold them for me. I’ve got some bad dudes on my tail, and you’d be doing me a solid if you’d hang onto these damp, possibly exploding, not-quite ABC Family approved cigars. I’ll make it worth your while. You ever been to Florida? Well, Alabama’s right next to it, and I know a guy who could put you up. No, actually, he’s mad at me, too. But maybe you could smooth that over? So buy now! Bye now!

“What if we call them Pretty Little Fires?”

— Don Draper

Paige Bowman of New York, NY writes:

Are they safe to smoke? Who knows? But one of these dozens of boxes of unsealed Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars contains the identity of A, so you better get buyin’.

“I guess the prettiest lie of all is telling people that these cigars won’t explode in their face”

—Spencer Hastings

Cherith Fuller of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Well, I was never good at selling candy bars in elementary school. A crippling fear of failure and an inability to talk to strangers rendered me utterly useless in the world of sales. If the present is anything like the past, then I will feebly ask a stranger if they would like to buy a box, ultimately be rejected, and then my parents will buy a couple so that I don’t look like a loser. Meanwhile Amanda will be able to “sell” several boxes because she’s rich and she will get the bike. Years later I will realize that this was not an exercise in entrepreneurship, but rather a multilevel marketing scheme aimed to seize money from the poor and add to the coffers of the wealthy. I bust the lid off the Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigar sham and redistribute the wealthy to the feeble and needy.

Samm Severin of Atlanta, Ga writes:

If given enough time, I could probably sell all of them. How hard could it be, really? People love buying stuff. I love buying stuff, especially when I feel very empty. I think if you tell people in coded language that they’ll feel better after they buy it then they’ll definitely want to buy it. Some people might be thrown off by the fact that the boxes are opened, but I’d just tell em that they were opened by the Prettiest Little Liar or the Biggest Little Liar or whatever, making the box actually worth more in the eyes of a thoughtful consumer. I think people might like that they’re exploding cigars, because you can prank a friend and then maybe you can finally have fun again. I’d definitely buy anything if it came with the promise that I might have fun again. I’d really like to have fun again. Fuck it, I’ll even buy a couple myself.

“Ugh, so much for my ‘Big Ugly Truth-Tellers’ Joy-Buzzing Vape Pens. Guess we’ll just sell this Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists merch instead.”

— the CEO of Freeform

Diana Brown of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Selling Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars won’t be that easy, bitches, but it is open season on assholes and I am hunting. These babies are grade-A tobacco, irresistible to any Hollywood producer. all you have to do is offer them one at an opportune time, like right after they don’t go to jail for rape for some reason. Congratulate them. Say something like “I’m not like other girls” even though we both know that’s reductive of the feminine experience — don’t worry, he won’t. He’ll probably be too busy unzipping his pants to listen to you anyway, but he’ll take the cigar. Tell him to light it while you slip your shoes off and “get comfortable.” Then, boom boom bitch. Enjoy watching the skin of his face melt off as he screams in agony. Watch his awards and his posters and his photos of famous friends burst into flame like so much kindling. Smash his expensive liquor. Inhale the rich scent of burning leather and hair. Witness his domain crumble into ash all around him while you walk away unburnt like the goddamn Mother of Dragons. Let the fire satiate his burning loins because that’s not your job and it never was. Take as many as you like. Take the box. Tell them, “I’m still here, bitches. And I know everything.”

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How Many Opened Boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars Can You Sell? was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Dracula is the weakest of the monsters from the song ‘Monster Mash’—he gives you many options to kill him with and more often than not he’s accidentally making another version of himself every time he eats a meal. We asked people what they would do to ‘Protect Ya Neck’ (and other vampire body parts) if they were Dracula

Travis Broyles of Atlanta, GA writes:

Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever? Because if not, I’m goin’ out ASAP. Vampires feed not on blood, but misguided love, and if I’m not frenchin’ some naive Victorian babe twenty-four sevs then it’s first train to Stakesburg. In other words, either scenario, I’m nude as the news, baby. Fully nude Dracul. Save for the rings. Vampire kings gotta have their rings™. The Shane Company, in Morrow, Alpharetta, and Woodstock.

“I’ve been a Dracula for a few weeks now and I wear waterproof khakis. Sure, they clash with my vampire clothes but every time a priest throws holy water at me I just turn my body so it hits my khakis. One time I bounced holy water off my butt right into a priest’s eyes and now he can see Wi-Fi signals. Every morning he describes the internet to me while I hang upside down like a bat cause I can’t hold my phone when my arms are folded over my chest.”
 — Khaki Dracula aka “Khakula”

Jake Head of New York, NY writes:

Order Seamless, eat the driver.

“Not me, but a friend’s Dracula. He drives a car surrounded by garlicproof glass just like the popemobile. Also, there are mirrors on the inside and outside so no one can see his reflection. He causes a lot of accidents.”

— Friend of a Friendula

James Yates of Atlanta, GA writes:

First off, you’re Dracula. Of all the Mashing Monsters, Dracula is known for having a certain je ne sais quoi…a flamboyance that means you have a total excuse to wear a giant brooch, ruffled collar or even a 70's turtleneck with a chunky gold medallion. Basically, you’re expected to look like a cross between Don Draper and Charles Nelson Reilly. (i.e. George Hamilton)

You’re also friends with The Mummy. There is NO reason to not protect ya neck with all the extra fabric around the Mash.

“You know, it’s the craziest thing — when Paul Manafort was indicted he swore it was because he knew the secret to not getting killed as a Dracula. He laughed and yelled it over his shoulder as he was being led into an FBI field office, but nobody could hear him. Then Robert Mueller came out wearing plastic fangs and winked at me as a big truck marked GARLIC pulled up. I don’t even like food trucks!”
 — From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Melania Trump

Cherry Del Rosario of Atlanta, GA writes:

I’d get by with a little help from my friends! …or my minions rather. And I’m not talking about those little yellow racists, I’m talking about scantily clad, voluptuous women who are under my vampire spell and must do my bidding.

They’d be my eyes and ears and protect me while I slept during the day. They’d have intense fighting and parkour skills and also be able to seduce people, duh. They would literally be my ride or die bitches. Loyal to the end.

“Every day for years I wrote in my diary. Then I sold my diaries to The CW. They made a show out of my diaries and I used the money to hire a security guard. Then I drank all his blood. I wrote about it in my diary but then I got sued by The CW for violating their copyright on vampire diaries. I hired a lawyer and drank his blood, too! I tried to write about it in my diary but you guessed it — sued by The CW again, even though I told them you can’t be tried for the same crime twice. Just wait until I write in my diary about this!”

— CW Dracula

Tom Rittenhouse of Atlanta, GA writes:

I’d get a bunch of Big Dog shirts and then wear them exclusively because you don’t fuck with someone in a Big Dog shirt.

And finally, Chris Ledford of Atlanta, GA writes:

If I was Dracula and under attack I would accept my fate and not fight back, because I think the best weapon is to show integrity to the principals of non-violent resistance.

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Can YOU Protect Dracula From His Many Weaknesses? was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

River spirits are a fact of modern life. We may not like it, but if we don’t indulge them, they take our babies and iPhones. We asked our readers how they’ve been conned by mischievous river spirits and what to look out for to stay smart and stay safe by our rivers and streams

Elizabeth Beck from Atlanta, Ga writes:

There’s a reason ‘wet behind the ears’ is used to describe a novice. It’s someone who’s brand new to the hellscape of living in a world with goblins and tricksters around every corner and under every rock, pebble, and grain of river sediment.

And that reason: if you’re wet behind the ears, you’ve been touched by the moist phalanges of the river spirit, fresh out of the rushing waters to frick your entire life until you are dead. And you weren’t ready.

You fool.
You goddamn idiot.
You disgrace this dojo.

Well, it’s not too late to restore balance to the universe and honor to your name. Here are some telltale signs that you’ve been touched by the aquatic nuisance:

- The pixels on your phone are all fricked up. “Did I get in the shower with my phone again?” you wonder. Stop gaslighting yourself, you numbskull. A river spirit ran out of prepaid minutes and took yours.

- Ass cheek prints on the ceiling. These idiots party hard, okay?

- You find yourself with new, borderline or outright useless abilities. You can smell fear, but only your own fear, or you know when your neighbor’s son is about to hit up his weed man (who, let’s face it, is probably just a river spirit passing off some seaweed as the good kush).

- Floppy bones.

- You catch the travel bug! And you never travel; indulging wanderlust means more opportunities to be tricked by elemental spirits, or the dreaded Otis. But you keep blacking out and waking up on Southwest.com, screaming at those low, low fares.

- Blacking out and waking up in the dollar theater to see back to back nostalgia screenings of Splash.

- You’ve replaced your nice bed with a water bed, but not a normal water bed — you actually filled a kiddie pool with sediment and sleep in it 18 hours a day. You’ve been telling yourself it’s a “cleanse” that you found on GOOP.com, which is a river spirit’s favorite website to hack.

- You literally cannot stop turning every basin-shaped item in your home into a turtle terrarium.

- You wake up and a shimmering obelisk who calls himself “…….slime man” is levitating above you and introduces himself as New Dad.

Look, I’m not gonna sugar coat it. You need to know the signs so you can protect yourself or at least mitigate the damage of any river spirit malarkey that’s already underway. Hopefully you catch it before you find the telltale stains of brackish water on your carpet.

Realizing you’ve been had? Here’s what you can do.

1) Call Equifax, Experian and TransUnion and have your credit frozen. I’m not fricking around here. River spirits love to torment the dry by devastating their credit scores. And aside from freezing your credit? Check your statements every month. You see that $19 charge for an annual Washington Post subscription? They would never let you behind their paywall for an entire year for a peasant’s fee of $19, you nitwit. That’s a telltale sign of water nymph machinations. Next time it’s not gonna be $19, it’s gonna be $100 for fine wine and spirits for the river spirits and their rowdy friends down in the bayou.

2) This one should be obvious, but for some fricking reason it isn’t: you should always carry at least a foot of Velcro, hook and loop sides, with you at all times. If you get a whiff of what you think is the telltale musty wet stench of a river spirit manifesting near you, pull out your Velcro and start pulling it apart and putting it back over and over again, as fast as you can. River spirits know what Velcro is and they have it underwater (almost all of them wear Skechers), but the water muffles the sound. Above sea level, the sound is like nails on a chalkboard to them. It makes them afraid of their own shoes. They’ll rip off their shoes, drop your wallet and slither back into the creek in your backyard, probably passing out on their way to the river again. It’ll be a while before they try anything again after that embarrassment.

There you have it. There is no cure for river spirit trickery, but there is treatment. So look for those there warning signs and keep what’s left of your dignity.

“They made me drive their underwater train in a conductor’s hat that said ‘RIVER BITCH’ while they jeered at me and prodded me with their fidget spinners.”

— Local River Bitch

“2 river spirits tricked me into being a bride for their ‘River Trump,’ who is a pile of Mar-A-Lago golf balls held together by mud and used condoms”

—Anonymous Waitress at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville

Taylor Roy of Atlanta, Ga writes:

Ah, river-spirits. As a youth, my grand-yenta, wrapped up in several babushkas simultaneously, warned me of them and their watery subterfuge. Of course, that was before they convinced yenta that all three of her late husbands were awaiting her at the bottom of the brook with roses and compliments. As I saw her slowly whisked away by the reasonably swift current, I promised myself that I would never again turn a blind eye to the devious sprites.

We never found yenta (because we never looked for her), but I found in myself the wherewithal to hunt down all gremlins, imps, and pixies. It so happened that the zeitgeist’s disdain for scientific truths worked to my benefit, and my cryptozoological extermination venture became quite profitable.

As my entrepreneurial fortitude grew and the available pool of wood nymphs, satyrs, and faeries dwindled. I had to resort to murdering chipmunks and dressing them up with pointy ears and body glitter after the fact just to keep my clientele satisfied that I was meeting my quota of genociding magical entities.

In desperation, I created a farm to breed these creatures back from the brink of extinction. I inadvertently became a foremost expert on sprite husbandry in the meantime, being featured on the cover of “Imp Stud Quarterly” on no less than 2 ½ occasions. As I sit here, elderly and decrepit, reflecting on my life as the latest litter of hill goblin squirtlings play at my feet, I realize that the water spirits’ greatest trick was me, my entire life.

Those dicks.

“I hate to say it, but 200 river spirits tricked me by pretending to cheer me on in a marathon. I stripped down to my boxer shorts and ran and ran, but all they gave me was a medal at the end and a ceremony and put me on the cover of ‘HUMANS HAVE LEGS’ magazine. But then when I opened the magazine it was just pictures of steam, which is their pornography.”

—Local Marathon Winner Who Requested to Remain Nameless

Eli Banks from Atlanta, Ga writes:

Check your fingers — has your natural webbing begun to scale over? Next, feel the top of your head — any skull discrepancies? Now quickly! Before your knees have time to react, taste them (have a friend distract them if necessary) — are you experiencing knee-sweetening?

These are benign, but serious reactions to a river spirit encounter. Before you react appropriately, panic. Your body’s natural panic juices will begin fighting the river spirit’s influence on a national stage, breaking the record for pay per viewers in a single night.

If the river spirit met you while facing north or west, you will lose and take on their essence to become a river spirit yourself, releasing the original spirit from their magical bonds.

You will join the ranks of the river spirit militia and be forced to run for river office, which you will lose to your high school sweetheart.

However, if the river spirit met you while facing east or south, the fight will end in a tie and you will be awarded a second chance at life, regressing you to your 5-year old self with a family of your choosing and all your memories intact. Avoid citrus! This can reverse the encounter and rapidly age you both physically and financially.

“A river spirit got the best of me today: he asked if he could try my glasses on so he could read a recipe for river biscuits but then he read a spell out loud that erased my LinkedIn profile.”

—Anonymous Job-Seeking Biscuit Fan

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How Many Playful River Spirits Tricked YOU Today? was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Cherith Fuller is a stand-up comic, Production Assistant for the ON-Air group at Cartoon Network, and a producer on Laugh Trumps Hate

1. What no-longer-available food do you miss the most?

I definitely miss Vanilla Coke a lot (can you still get it? IDK, I thought they took it away again.) I just have very distinct memories of when Vanilla Coke first came out. We didn’t drink or buy soda growing up, but my mom was such a big fan of it that she would occasionally buy it when we went grocery shopping. It felt like VC went flat faster than other forms of Coke, but it also still tasted not bad when it was flat.

2. What’s your process from idea to fully formed joke or set? Do you take notes? How do you know when a joke is “done?”

A lot of times I’ll just be talking to someone, and I say something that gets a laugh that feels like a fully formed idea. Then I might put it on Twitter of Facebook to gauge reaction, or I might just take it directly to an open mic. A joke’s never really done for me. Until it’s out there filmed for like national TV or something a joke can always be tweaked.

3. If someone is distracted at the left turn green arrow, do you immediately honk or do you give them time to realize?

I absolutely honk immediately. I am a notorious honker, and I refuse to change my ways.

4. Do you incorporate your personal life into your creative process, or do you prefer to keep some distance between the two?

It’s about half-and-half. I like to give the illusion that I’m very open about my personal life onstage, but in fact I’m very private. It gives the illusion that people might know a lot about me when in reality they only know what I want them to know, which turns out is not very much.

5. What do you think is most distinctive about your voice or point of view in your comedy?

I think I’ve developed a style that is very similar to how I talk in real life. It makes writing much easier because I am just writing as I normally would and don’t feel the need to accommodate some kind of character.

6. When was the last time you had a memorable night in an unfamiliar city?

This is going to sound so hack, but when I was in Paris last year. I went totally alone and didn’t know anyone. I just spent most nights eating at new places and walking around by myself. A lot of people might think that it would be miserable, but if there’s a city that it’s better to be alone in than with people, it might be Paris.

7. What’s your “one rule?”

Before you say something mean about someone, turn around to make sure they’re not in earshot.

8. What item would you take with you into the next life and why?

Some sort of notebook (and a pen? Do they come as a package deal?). Big fan of journaling, and that’s definitely something I’d want to remember.

9. Have you ever had an idea or joke appear in your mind fully-formed with no need to develop it?

It’s happened a couple of times. Sometimes it’s almost more fun to start out with something less funny and see it grow into something more funny though. It’s nice to just have something, but the process is what keeps us in the game.

10. When was the last time something happened to you that genuinely surprised you?

I startle very easily, and I am completely oblivious all the time, so most things genuinely surprise me. I had to go get some car repairs done recently, and they ended up being cheaper than expected, so that was a nice surprise.

Cherith can be found on Twitter, Instagram, and at CherithFuller.com

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10 Questions: Cherith Fuller was originally published in Scene and Song on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.