Schnide Remarks

Update on the author, Will Schneider

2016-09-28T19:14:00.003-07:00

Hello everyone,

Its my sad duty to inform you of Will's passing in 2016. He was a very sick man in his last years of life. This blog offered Will an escape from his daily routine of life in the hospital.

He deeply appreciated his followers and he will be missed!

2014-04-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

4/18/14

Boston Marathon --- One Year Later

IT'S BEEN A YEAR since the Boston Marathon Day bombings, and so what? Another day, another assault. But I see this one differently. I was proud to be an American when this event occurred, and I was just as proud last Tuesday when EVERYBODY, including the survivors of the blast, turned out to pay homage to one of the greatest cities in the greatest country on the planet, despite our best-laid plans to screw things up.

* * *

BOSTON IS EVERYBODY'S favorite city, except for all the others we love. I got a lump in my throat hearing all the accolades on Tuesday, much the same feeling I get when watching the July 4th fireworks. And how about the Vice President? What an enthusiastic, down to earth guy. Where was he in 2000 when we could have used a guy with a little personality to go after Bush, who also had an abundance of same? Wait a sec; I was talking about Boston. Our country in general and Boston in particular really stepped up to the plate on this. We didn't allow ourselves to be dragged into an over-reaction like 9/11. We didn't overreact at first, for awhile we were all Americans. We properly honored those who had lost their lives, although a lot of the rescue workers didn't get proper care years down the road. Thanks, govt. And thanks again, govt., for trying to pin the war on Iraq and Afghanistan, who had nothing to do with the event. It was planned by Osama Bin Laden and carried out by 19 worthless cowards whose loyalty was to no country, just a very misguided loyalty to Allah. George Bush said he wanted Bin Laden "Dead or alive." Then the trail went cold and the President decided that Iraq was more important and that finding Bin Laden wasn't such a big priority. On President Obama's first day in office, he called Secretary Pinetta (CIA) into his office and told him to make catching Bin Laden a top priority. Two years later the job was done. The divisions in our country have still not healed.

* * *

NOT SO BOSTON. Was it the work of a whole bunch of terrorists or some foreign enemy? Maybe, but not so fast. These two were not only cowards; they were stupid cowards. How could they not have known there would be cameras EVERYWHERE? They could have set the bombs off at any place along the race, but they chose the most watched portion. Duh. So the cops, working methodically and way too much overtime, found grainy pictures of the perps. They waited a day, then released the pictures. This apparently alarmed the two pond scum and they began doing even dumber things that drew attention to them, such as hijacking cars and involving themselves in chases with the police --- usually not your best fallback plan. The cops cornered them, shots were exchanged, maybe killing the older brother, but we'll never know because younger brother, in his haste to escape, hijacked another car and RAN OVER his sibling. So much for family love. By this time the cops had closed down a good deal of the city and because of their exemplary conduct the citizenry was happy to cooperate and help. One neighbor noticed something suspicious in his backyard boat, alerted the authorities and, after a brief gunfire exchange, mission accomplished. Editorial note: Being a peace officer is a rotten, thankless job. You have to be suspicious of virtually everyone. Too many cops let this get the better of them. But this is an example of the police doing everything right. I hope they all got special recognition. Icing on the cake: The Red Sox won the World Series. Boston Proud, Boston Strong.

* * *

OTHER PLACES, OTHER THINGS: An Oregon pimp who used his Air Jordan sneakers to stomp a client's face is suing Nike for failing to warn him that its product was "potentially dangerous". Isn't stomping on someone's face potentially dangerous? Anyway, he's been sentenced to 100 years at Club Fed . . . Have you heard about this cattle owner in Nevada? He's had his animals grazing on govt. land for the last couple of decades or so. The powers that be want about a million bucks in back pay. Rancher says no way, this is public land. Anybody want to lay odds on how this one will turn out? The government may not be good at much, but they are terrific at getting their hands on our money. The rancher is trying to organize some folks to back him up in his crusade. Saw a few on the tube. Trust me, these folks couldn't organize a fart at a chili cook off . . . There's a rumor around that Jesus was married and had an extended family. So did Jesus' nephew call Mrs. Jesus Auntie Christ (okay, quit shoving. I was leaving anyway)?

* * *

FROM EZRA POUND: "I have not met anyone worth a damn who was not irascible."

=====================================

Mary had a little lamb,

A lobster and some prunes;

A piece of pie, a glass of milk

And then some macaroons.

It made the naughty waiters grin

To see her order so.

And when they carried Mary out

Her face was white as willschneider7645@gmail.com

Open for business Noon-4pm PST @ (415)202-7697

2014-04-11T04:10:00.002-07:00

04/11/14

Look Who's Here

I'VE BEEN AWAY. Well, no, I've been right here. Mr. Schneider is on vacation. Nope. Haven't even been to Oakland. Schnide has been ill. True enough, but not physically. I've got it. Will has been off. Actually, if you get close to me that has a bit of accuracy. Wotineck do I tell all my regular reader? One wrote. "I look forward to Fridays. Where the h-e-doulble hockey sticks have you been?" Bless you, what a great upper for moi. Anyway, I'm back. Lucky you. As the guy on The Ed Show (I think his name is Ed) likes to say, "Let's get to work." Right.

* * *

ITEM ITEM HOOSGOTTANITEM? Have you heard an airliner crashed? Somewhere off the coast of Australia. First they found debris --- that was it. Um, nope, sorry. Then they found the location of the crash. They've now found about four potential locations. Sorry, not good enough. BUT WAIT! We're getting pings --- they must be coming from the black box! Nope, that didn't do it, but stay tuned. How can you help it? Here's the story: A plane went missing a month ago. Nobody knows how or why. THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY. But the news networks have pulled out all the stops. You can watch Fixed News; a lot of entertainment and a very loose relationship with fact. Fair and balanced? Pardon me, I feel convulsions coming on (though I do enjoy Chris Wallace and Mike Huckabee). Then there's Constant News Network. Here's our next one-hour special on the missing plane. WHOOP'S! There's been a mudslide in Washington! What to do what to do whadda****dowedo? Hey, we've got it! We'll have a one hour special about the plane, followed by a one hour special on the mudslide, followed by a one hour special on the plane, followed by --- well, you get it. The network to tune into if you need to catch up on your sleep (though I do enjoy Candy Crowley as well as Anderson Cooper). Then there's MSNBC, or, as it's known from 7pm Friday until 1am Monday, Boring Prison Crap. Here's a network with archives going back 65 years, and this is the best they can do? I will give them credit for being the first network to get back to their irregular programing. "The place for politics"? How about "The place for boringly repetitive liberal politics" (though I do enjoy Joe Scarborough and Chris Matthews)?

* * *

NOW WE'VE DRONED OVER TO IRAN, where its semiofficial news agency Fars claims that NSA secret document leaker Edward Snowden has offered "incontrovertible proof" that the U.S. is being run by a "shadow government" of space aliens. No wonder the govt. is so pissed off at you, Eddie . . . Bad week for a Mexico City motorist who was pulled over by the cops for suspicious driving. When said police approached the car, the guys pet parrot blurted out "He's drunk! He's drunk!" Sure enough, a test showed the bird was right. The fellow is now looking into a pet turtle . . . Hey! Dick Cheney's found work! He'll be teaching a class at the University of Wyoming titled "Safety Tips While Hunting (tip #1: stay away from older white guys). How many of you even remember what I'm on about? Let's face it, I'm old . . . Off to Deadwood, S.D., where businessman Greg Vecchi has announced plans to open an indoor shooting range and saloon. He assures us he'll see to it that customers use his services in the right order: "Bullets first, beer second." Good luck with your endeavor, sir . . . Rep. Paul Ryan has presented us with yet another budget, much like the ones that weren't adopted in 2011, 2012 and 2013. Some folks just don't get it. This budget has about as much chance of becoming reality as a heat wave in the Himalayas . . . We've wrapped up the second week of the baseball season and we all know what that means --- the Mets have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs . . . Should we raise the minimum wage? Should the sun rise in the east? Families on minimum wage are living at poverty levels. If we brought them up to a living wage maybe they wouldn't have to depend on so much government assistance, which the taxpayers have to pony up for. Come on, Republicans, this is a no-brainer . . . Gratuitous joke for real old-timers: Roy Rogers is out on the range one day, sporting his brand new suede cowboy boots. A wildcat comes up, strips off the shoes and mangles them. Roy schleps back home and shows the shoes to Dale Evans, who is of course empathetic. A few hours later they are relaxing by the fire when Dale spots a wildcat out the window. She turns and says, "Pardon me, Roy --- is that the cat that chewed your new shoes (Ya! Ya! Track twenty-nine)?"

* * *

THE PUTIN UPDATE: A little less than eighty years ago a foreign leader held a grand show off Olympics in his country. He left an ethnic minority alone for a couple of weeks. Then he sent troops across the border of a neighboring country, saying he was just reclaiming original land of his empire. He assured the world he had no further territorial demands, all the while amassing troops on the border of another country. We all know how that turned out, don't we? We've got to take this monster down. Boots on the ground won't work, that kind of war is outmoded for us, as the last 15 years have proven. I like the President's idea of putting sanctions on some of Putrid's big business buddies; that certainly can't hurt. My sources also tell me that one of the few world leaders this thug pays attention to is German Chancellor Merkell, who seems willing to get involved. I was very proud of myself for putting these observations together. Then I read that Hillary Clinton had already done it. Whatta --- whatta --- what a rhymes with witch.

* * *

MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE with a quote from Hillary: "In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart," said the witch.*

*"I am not a witch." --- HRC*

*"Yes you are." --- Schnide

===================================

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine.

You make me happy

When skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you.

Please don't take my willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business noon-4pm PST @ (415)202-7697

Hey kids! Like that rock n' roll? Look up my blog from 2/14, press on icon at end. Hot socks!

2014-03-07T23:45:00.002-08:00

03/07/14

This is Your Brain on Schnide

LAST TUESDAY WAS National Grammar Day, but I won't be celebrating until I know when National Granpa Day is. Come on, be fair . . . Riddle me this: Why would you never starve to death in the desert? Because of the sand which is there! My buddy Hector MacDiddlewally checks in: "Watch out, folks. He's been nipping at the cooking sherry again." . . . And why not? We just finished with Mardis Gras, which culminates with Fat Tuesday and is followed by Ash Wednesday, where you get a bit of ash on your forehead, and, in return for being absolved of all the sins you've committed on Fat Tuesday you have to give up something you really like for 40 days. Okay, I'm giving up my search for life on Pluto for the next 40 days. I have a slightly different take on the whole thing. I think that after indulging in as many Fat Tuesdays as possible, I should be immersed i ash so I'm REALLY forgiven. Upon recovery, repeat process. I'm not as young as I used to be, so in my case, just to recover from the inhaled ash would probably take a few days, during which I could give up ANYTHING (like food(, at least for awhile. Then I'd be Good To Go (note: There are rumors around that inhaling ash is bad for you. Bullfeathers. They used to say the same nasty stuff about cigarette smoke) . . . Actually, I'm not much of a party animal. Taking me to the Mardi Gras would make about as much sense as taking Elton John to Hooters . . . Little-known fact about me: I once danced under the name "Fat Tuesday". Significantly improved my fruit and vegetable consumption.

* * *

IF I WAS PRESIDENT OBAMA I'd be real happy about the second amendment. I'd declare myself a well armed malitia and show up at a press conference with an assault rifle. Then I'd say I was really in no mood for a press conference but they told me I had to hold one. First I would announce the abolition of the CIA and NSA because they have so far been caught by surprise by every single national and international incident over the last 50 years or so. Vietnam? Oops! Timothy McVeigh? Sorry. 9/11? Well, see, it was early in the day --- we hadn't had our coffee yet. The two pieces of human sewage that set off the Boston Marathon bombs? Well, we knew they'd been to Russia and studied with some fundamentalist Islamic cults, but we weren't worried about benign people like that. So out with you, incompetent govt. wastrels who don't work. I'm appointing a class of eighth graders to do all this as a homework assignment. The ones that actually come up with something will get high school credits. If I was still standing, I'd say: "Now I'll take your questions. Don't forget I have a weapon, you're in my parameters and I'm invoking the 'Stand Your Ground law'. Any Black reporters from Fox News got a question?"

* * *

SPEAKING OF WHACKOS WITH GUNS, George Zimmerman currently has a painting up for sale on eBay that is drawing bids as high as $110,000. It depicts an American flag with the inscription "With Liberty and Justice For All". Finally, something that Zimmerman (AKA "Pond Scum") and Trayvon Martin's family can agree on . . . Over to Britain, that reliable source for so many items reported here. A group of British Scientists concluded that based on the amount of booze he consumed in his movies he would develop "alcoholic liver disease, cirrhosis and impotence", and die at 56. Party poopers . . . A displeased Walmart employee took a gun and shot a hole in another employee's SUV after she had been named "Employee of the Month." It's now clear, said the sheriff, why the perpetrator "wasn't named Employee of the Month" . . . Finally, I love the old joke about a young fellow that gets hired at the Post Office. After a few days his boss comes over to see how he's doing. "Son, you are one fast sorter. I don't think I've ever seen one as fast as you." "Sir, you haven't seen anything yet," replies the kid. "Just wait'll I learn how to read."

* * *

ROBERT FROST SAID IT: "The middle of the road is where the white line is --- and that's the worst place to drive."

=======================================

Heap big spender ---

Oh, heap big spender:

Spend a little time with willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM - 4PM PST @ (415)202-7697

2014-02-28T08:16:00.002-08:00

02/28/14

Do You Mind If I

Let Out a Gazooka?

REMEMBER ED JEW? He was a Stupidvisor from the Sunset district about a half dozen years ago. He was caught not living in his district and accepting bribes. If you recall my columns from The City Star at the time, I was pretty rough on him. I'm not sorry about that. Turns out the guy is trying to get his sentence reduced to time served. He's been behind bars for at least five years. He's also been a model prisoner. Additionally he has a wife and daughter waiting for him to come home. The bribery was $40,000, which he stored in his home freezer. In politics, this would be known as pocket change. For living outside his district, he should have been removed from office, which he was. The rest has been overkill. Let the man go so he can get on with his life --- I think he's learned his lesson . . . Reader G.B. Shaw checks in: "Of course there's intelligent life in the rest of the universe. They haven't tried to contact us, have they?" . . . I'm not a big fan of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. But she did the right thing by vetoing the hideous anti gay amendment her legislature passed. I think she's also going along with the Medicaid portion of the Affordable Care Act, which is a simple recognition of reality. Now if we could just get some of her congress to have their heads examined. I think bigotry is a pre-existing condition, and thus covered by Obamacare . . . In the Ukraine, it looks like we may be a big step closer to that country lining up with the EU forces. Anything to reduce Vladimir Vhithead Putin's sphere of influence is fine with me.

* * *

IT'S TRAVEL TIME! A Florida man has racked up over $130,000 in fines for refusing to trim the plants, grass and weeds in his yard. Sez he has a "moral opposition" to doing so. It's driving down property values, say the neighbors. He says the fines are a "blunt tyranny" by the govt. to try and regulate his ability to grow crops. Good luck with your hobby, sir . . . Because of the holiday and Super Bowl parties, we have a national shortage of Velveeta. My dear sweet lord, what is America coming to? One fan referred to the shortage as a "cheesepocalypse" . . . Howcum he never writes any nice stories? OK, here's one: Against family orders, a 12-year old Kentucky boy stayed up until 3 AM playing computer games. He smelled something funny. Turned out to be an electrical fire in the kitchen. He awoke his family and guided them all to safety. Awww . . . An Australian man decided it would be a nice surprise for his girlfriend if he hid naked in a top-loading washing machine. Police had to grease him liberally with olive oil to get him out. By the way, his girlfriend was properly surprised . . . Finally, we're in New Hampshire, where 12-year old Maddie Gilmartin decided to test a theory of hers by sticking her tongue on a frozen flagpole to see if it would --- well, you know, stick. Experiment successful. Her parents found her flailing away awhile later and freed her with warm water. "Think before you do something," Maddie said later thru a sore, swollen tongue.

* * *

ABE LINCOLN GAVE US THIS: "I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."

==================================

You say you want a revolution;

Well, you know,

We'd all love to change willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM - 4PM PST @ (415)202-7697

2014-02-21T03:55:00.002-08:00

02/21/14

I Know My Writes

HEADLINE IN THE CHRON: "White House offers to help thwart attacks": The White House offered to help U.S. businesses protect their computer systems from cyberattacks that President Obama called "one of the gravest national security dangers that the United States faces." Excuse me; I'm confused. Isn't this the same White House that got all exercised when Eddie Snowden exposed all of their extracurricular activities? Why don't we give Mr. Snowden a work permit and have him figure all this out? He's certainly demonstrated an ability in this area. Do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here? . . . Now we're off to China, where their state-run newspaper, The Global Times, has claimed the country's choking air pollution is good for national defense because the smog would cover the areas from missiles and drones. Wouldn't the smog be a pretty good way of telling where the targets --- oh, never mind . . . And the coveted Schneiduh award this week goes to Jennifer Chirico of Connecticut. She was running late for a court hearing on a minor criminal charge and apparently confused about which court she was supposed to show up at, so she called bomb threats into three separate courthouses. She won't have to worry about being on time for the next ten years, because that's how long she's being put away. Way to go, Jen! That's really taking the bull by the --- testicles?

* * *

SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES: This week's homily is about President hating. I'm agin' it. I was guilty of it until August 9th, 1974. I allowed myself to hate Richard Nixon. I hated him right thru August 8th when he made that smarmy, maudlin resignation speech, in which he accepted no responsibility for what he'd done, let alone apologize to the millions of Americans who had supported him nor pardoned all of his minions who went to jail for following his orders. But the next day I saw something entirely different when he made his off the cuff remarks in the East Room as he was leaving office. "Never be petty --- always remember: Others may hate you. But they can't win unless you hate them back --- then you destroy yourself." I saw a completely broken human being. Just as stunning, I saw the look on the faces of his broken family. The whole thing was heartbreaking. But hey, we won! Here's what we won: Thirty-five years without an even emotively progressive President. Carter and Clinton? Give me a break. These two are wearing well enough in history, but Reagan is doing better. Why? Because hatred has no patience. It just wants to win; hang the cost. I thought the right wing had spent its credibility on President Clinton, but then along came Obama! How about this --- instead of impeaching Nixon, why didn't congress just censure him? He would have been completely ineffective his last two and a half years in office. The democrats could probably have renominated McGovern or maybe Mondale in 1976 and won big. But I ingress. Barack Obama is better on social issues than any President since Lyndon Johnson. He has established National Health Care. As long as he doesn't get us into a war, he has a good legacy, and nearly three more years to build on it. The current President haters will be remembered about as favorably as Father Coughlin.

* * *

DING A LING RING A DING! FEATURETTE! This time it's a chunk 'o philosophy from my best friend Saunders: "Think globally; irritate locally" . . . Over to Sochi, where an upstart band named Pussy Riot (love that name!) decided to give an impromptu performance in the Olympic City. We all know this was President Putin's moment in the sun and he wanted ZERO disruptions. So it wouldn't surprise me if the order to forcibly rip off their face masks and whip them publicly came directly from him. I can picture it all: President Verminer Putrid orders you to whip those Pussies! I'll stay in Moscow while the civilized world pussywhips me . . . A shootout to Joe's Cable Car, an Ess Eff institution that will close on March 16th after 49 years in business. Joe's been working 12 hour days, six day weeks, no time off, and at 75, he's pooped. Can't blame him. He takes pride in trimming and grinding his own chuck daily. All of the basic food groups here: Grease, salt, fat and cholesterol. Add bacon and you've got it made. But I wreckommend a patty melt; ask for extra onions. A lot of us will miss you, Joe. Where do we go now? My cab-driving buddy John Gould suggests Burgermeister, located at Filbert and Columbus, as an acceptable alternative. Why there? Because cab drivers Know Everything. John told me at the beginning of 2008 that the market was gonna crash --- wish I'd Listened . . . Chronicle columnist C. W. Nevius had this t'other day: Ingleside cops busted a guy for burglary. While searching him, they found meth in his pants pocket. The guy's excuse? Those aren't my pants! Police booked him anyway.

* * *

FROM THE GREAT LOUIS ARMSTRONG: "There are some people that if they don't know; you can't tell them."

===================================

Hey, I just met you:

This is crazy ---

Here's my number,

Call me willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM-4PM PST (415)292-7697

2014-02-14T00:20:00.002-08:00

02/14/14

Valentine's Day?

THIS IS NOT an ordinary day for me. I don't buy candy, flowers or cards (just part of the crass commercialization that all holidays have become --- but I'm not going to rant today). This is a day for watching a gorgeous Ess Eff sunset, observing a fire crackle in the fireplace, looking at the view from a quiet mountain lake, and holding hands with your significant other. To celebrate it properly, one should take the entire day off from our hustling, teeth-gritting, stomach-churning routines.

* * *

"You organize your life that way

For minutes and days and years away

And put your pencils in their stall

Then you've done Nothing At All."

* * *

I THINK OF A SPECIAL GIRL, disarmingly attractive from head to toe, not only to me. She had this same effect on many other men, perhaps more than she could handle; I wouldn't know. I do know that I'd never met such an enchanting creature: half imp, half elf, every milliliter fascinating to it's core. For a long while she meant everything to me, and for shorter periods of time me to her. There was nothing we could not share in that marvelous spectrum of emotions we call life. I chased her for years --- there were other men, other adventures, other people --- way too many for her to pass up. She lived life to its full potential; I got on with mine but the fire never burned out. I was miserable when I could not be with her. I began my career.

* * *

"You write your pages by the hour;

Plan your work and meals and shower.

Planning one two three four five

For what to do while you're alive."

* * *

SHE FINALLY RELENTED and we moved in together. For a while we shared everything, from the best of times to the worst. We grew apart. She suggested we should separate; I resisted. Ultimately I agreed, more in anger and hurt than any desire for her to leave. She sensed this and told me she would not go until she was sure we could be friends. I did not appreciate the wisdom and maturity of her words, and I did not let go easily --- it took me a year to assent. It was a tough year for both of us. We talked haltingly and uneasily for years. She married a fine man and they bore two wonderful children. I let my heart go a couple more times, but it wasn't the same. After twenty years together, her husband died unexpectedly. She was devastated and shocked; we began talking a bit in fits and starts. About ten years ago I got wind of one of our childhood heroes, Paul McCartney, coming to town. I called her and we went. It was then I began to realize what she meant about being friends --- better late than never, I suppose. Meanwhile, our lives went on, ever more full and demanding.

* * *

"The phone that interrupts you rings

With busy people and busy things.

Now you're gonna miss your train:

These interruptions are to blame."*

* * *

HOW WOULD THINGS have worked out if we'd stayed together? I doubt it would have been trailing clouds of joy. One can never know about such things. One can only guess. But it can be a beautiful guess. Valentine's day is a constant; it arrives every Feb. 14th, and like I said at the beginning it's no ordinary day with me. It was on this day, so many years ago, that we met.

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To hear the music to the lyrics, go to https://home.comcast.net/~heeschen/wsb/media/NothingAtAll.mp3

Contact willschneider7648@gmail.com or call (415)202-7697 8AM-4PM PST

2014-02-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

02/07/14

I'm Too Poor to Be a Paranoid;

I Can Only Afford One Noid

ESTABLISHING YOUR PARAMETERS DEPT: Barry Swegle of Port Angeles, Washington, was having a disagreement with a neighbor over a property line. So he got behind the wheel of a logging machine and rammed it into four homes, a pickup truck and a power pole. He's managed to set his property line, whatever it is and after the police finish charging and fining him . . . A Princess Cruise ship returned to port two days early because of a "dense fog" and not because 180 of the passengers caught a stomach virus, according to a ship spokesperson. When informed there had been no reports of fog and the ship was covered with vomit and feces, Princess Cruise released a statement saying the ship had returned due to "climate change". Okay, I didn't make up the first sentence . . . My Best Friend Saunders adds some interesting insight to my item last week about The Beatles: "The 'Girl From Ipanema' was sung by Astrud Gilberto" (even Joe Scarborough knew that, Schnide) "and written by 'Tom' Jobim and Vinicius de Moraes. Their music had already profoundly shaken up the musical, theatrical and movie worlds. It was the first commercial hit from a different culture, i.e. Brazil, which had been struggling for mainstream recognition for over a decade. A highly deserved award. It's history's most recorded song other than 'Yesterday'." As usual, Saunders knows a whole bunch of stuff I don't. All I can say is the British had also been struggling since the 50s to make their contribution to the music scene and boy, did The Beatles succeed. "Girl From Ipanema" is arguably a better song than any single song The Beatles released in 1964, but they certainly deserved equally to be recognized for what they did . . . After the stupid press release concocted by Gov. Christie and his playground bullies last Saturday (excuse me, the Governor did not sign it and was probably "blindsided" by its release) I'm prepared to make a Fearless Prediction: Chris Christie is toast. He may be able to serve out his term as an extremely lame, and I do mean lame, duck Guv, but nationally, he's finished. You read it here first (note I didn't say you heard it here first).

* * *

THE KEYSTONE XL PIPELINE has cleared a major hurdle, with the State Dept. declaring it's unlikely to dramatically boost demand for Canada's oil sands. If that's the case, then why the %#@$! build it? In my humblish opinion, we will rue the day we built this full frontal assault on the environment, which I fear our President is looking for a way to sign off on. He may wait until after the midterm elections to do this; but I've got a bad feeling about the whole thing. This is horribly dirty oil. If there's a spill (Don't worry about a thing! Shell and Mobil will guarantee the safety) the sludge sinks to the bottom of our lakes, rivers and seas, making it impossible to clean up and destroying all life in our waterbeds. If we keep behaving this way we won't be around long enough to be done in by global warming. So here's my question for you, Mr. President: In twenty years, will you be able to tell your grandchildren "I did something" about the environment, or will you say "I tried to do what I could"? We're addicted to oil like some folks are to smoking. We're always going to get off the stuff --- later. After I get thru with this stress. When I don't need to appease the business interests anymore, even tho I know in my heart what they're doing is wrong. Tomorrow. Trouble is, tomorrow never comes. But Mr. President, I assume grandchildren will arrive in your family. Will you do what it takes to leave them a better world? Wouldn't it break your heart to have to look at their beautiful, innocent eyes and say "I did the best I could?"

* * *

AN OHIO WALMART STORE held a Thanksgiving food drive --- for its own employees. The drive was part of "the company's culture to rally around associates", said a spokesperson. Here's another view, Duhmart: Instead of asking your low paid employees to donate food to other low wage employees, try a) donating the food from your enormous corporate profits, not just to your indentured servitude employees but also other needy people in your community, and 2) more importantly, pay your workers a living wage in the first place . . . Need To Know Dept: British researchers admitted to killing the world's oldest living animal, a 507-year-old Icelandic clam. And how did they kill it? They opened it to see how old it was . . . The Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News apologized for an 1863 editorial that dismissed President Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address as "silly remarks." The paper said its previous editors must have been "under the influence of partisanship, or of strong drink." Better late than never . . . If you were checking this space a couple of years ago, I noted that Denny's had introduced a number of new and inventive ways to serve bacon, including --- erghh --- a bacon sundae. I predicted this ad campaign would be short-lived (I was right, but I take no bows. Anybody with a two-digit IQ could've figured it out). But they seem to be having trouble coming up with a catchy slogan. I have a modest suggestion: "Denny's --- Now Serving Blacks*". No need to thank me; happy to help . . . Schnide Wreckommends: Check out the Feb 3rd New Yorker, page 32, for a different take on sugary beverages (only one page, an easy and entertaining read).

*(w/proper ID)

* * *

FROM THE GREAT WILL ROGERS: "I belong to no organized Political Party. I'm a democrat."

===================================

It was the best of times;

It was the worst of willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM - 4PM PST (415)202-7697

2014-01-31T05:21:00.002-08:00

01/31/14

What --- Me Wordy?

SEEMS THERE'S A SLIGHT KERFUFFLE about whether the construction specs for the East Bay Bridge where properly adhered to. Don't like to blow my own horn (just watch me) but This Column Had It First! It was common news about the faulty bolts. On Oct. 14th, I wrote: "No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control. Did you know that if the bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30million bonus? Just reporting." Well, it opened on time all right --- on time but of questionable quality. Charges are that Caltrans papered over the whole scandal and paid another $25mil for a kwik-fix retrofit. There are further assertions that the problems weren't fixed well enough for the bridge to last its expected lifetime and more work will be necessary. Should we get our $30mil back? That's a no-brainer, but my suspicion is by the time we do that, it will cost $3 - 4billion in legal fees. At least we can learn a lesson for the future --- uh, yeah, right . . . I Love Trivia Dept: The Beatles came to our shores 50 years ago next week. They immediately had five songs on the top ten, plus a movie and numerous other singles and best selling albums thruout the year. And who won the Grammy that year? "Girl from Ipanema" by Stan Getz and some lady whose name I don't remember (great song, but hey). According to Joe Scarborough ("Morning Joe", best thing on in the morning but you gotta get up @ 3AM PST to see it), the first time the Fab Four won the award wasn't until after John Lennon was killed, although I seem to recall Paul McCartney bounding up to the stage to accept an award for the group in 1970 or 1971. America trusts you --- say it ain't so, Joe! . . . The Navy has christened its newest nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. The vessel partially destroyed the launching pad on its way out, ran over three tugboats and a number of fishing trawlers, punched a hole in its side ramming the Rock of Gibraltar, causing six aircraft and 72 sailors to fall overboard, finally sinking in the Black Sea, where it slammed into a Russian nuclear submarine, causing both to explode. The Ghost of Gerald Ford came back to say: "Now there is ABSOLUTELY no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe." Actually it may be Jimmy Carter who said that, but then the joke wouldn't have worked and who cares anyway when the whole thing was a fabrication. Facts, schmacts; enter here at your own risk.

* * *

DID YOU SEE Rand Paul on Meet Depressed last Sunday? B4 I get to my mini-rant, have you checked out this guys hair? If he's the wave of the future we'll all need to stock up on mousse (I prefer chocolate). Actually Sen. Rand is so pro-gun he probably uses real moose. At any rate, he was on his high horsie about how the media "gave President Clinton a pass" on the Monica Lewinski affair. "To take advantage of a 20-year old in a public office" --- omy omy what a horrible abuse of power! So a couple of obfuscations: z) It is rumored that Mr. Paul wants to be our next President (memo to Rand: WHY? Have you seen how we treat them? But I digest). How long will it be before you figure a way to tie this to Mrs. Clinton? I don't see how you do this and come out looking good. And MCMLX) You also upchucked the comment: "And they say we Republicans are conducting a war on women!" Okay, first things first. A man having a consensual sexual affair with another adult is disgusting, particularly if he's married. But it's really nobodies business. The Clintons seemed to have patched up their differences (a lot of patching on Bill's part and a lot of forgiveness on Hillary's, who I believe was blindsided by the whole thing. And let's not forget Monica, who was thrown under the bus) and moved on. I don't think moseying down this road will garner you many fans. And the media gave him a pass? I seem to recall an impeachment and a trial. Regarding the War On Women: I don't see how Bill Clinton's War On Himself rises to the level of denying a woman's right to be in control of her own body and have easy access to the information and other forms of treatment designed to assure that right. I also don't see how it relates to women's treatment in society at large, including way too much sexual harassment, 77 cents for every dollar men make --- the list goes on. Clean up your own backyard, Sen. Rand --- if you're wanting to be a national figure; why, I'm just asking the easy questions . . . Other mini-rant: To Rush Outtatouch, Glen Belch, and all the other wing nuts who constantly relish accusing President Obama of playing the Race Card: The guy's HALF-WHITE! He plays the race card every day --- with himself!

* * *

I LOVE ALEX WITT and her great MSNBC weekend show. But last week she had some political commentator on and they were crying in their soup about the aggressive agenda the President laid out in his last State Of The Union speech and what a disappointment the results had been. Ms. Witt opined: "After New Town, I really thought we had a shot at doing something about gun control." Hope this was an ad-lib, Alex, not something you read off the teleprompter. Kinda reminds me of the Senator (I think it was Waxman) who, expressing his frustration at the length of time the Clinton impeachment trial was taking, blurted out: "Let's get all the facts on the table so we can wrap this sucker up!" . . . Loved Willie Browns comment in his Sunday column: "What is it about Jerry Brown? Every time he's Governor, we have a drought." Well, I think it has more to do with between his stints as Secretary of State, Governor, candidate for President and Senator, radio talk show host, Mayor of Oakland, Attorney General and then Governor again, when has he NOT been in the public eye over the last 40 years? By the way, is Willie reading S.R.? On Jan. 10th, I said I liked the Warriors stadium, but only if it wasn't surrounded by a bunch of high rise condos and other outsize development of the area. Emailed a copy to Mr. Brown. In his column Jan. 19th, Da Mayor chimed in with the same viewpoint. Come on, sir, give a struggling writer a plug! . . . Riddle Me This Dept: If you were to create an album of favorite cat songs, what would you call it? How about "Meow Mix? . . . Haven't had enough? OK, why are they called wisdom teeth? Because if the dentist extracts enough of them they can put their kids thru college . . . Don't know about you, but I've definitely had enough.

* * *

FROM AUTHOR SUSAN ORLEAN: "If newspapers stop their print editions, what will cats sit on when you're trying to read?"

=======================================

The bigger they are, the harder they fall

These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs

I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off

Twerking in their bras and willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM-4PM PST @ (415)202-7697

2014-01-24T05:31:00.002-08:00

01/24/14

Gamut from Ho to Hum

SO THE PRESIDENT gave his speech about the NSA last week, which offered a bunch of excuses and absolutely nothing new. It's been difficult lately to remain a FOB (Friend of Barack), tho I still am, but he seems to have lost his voice and lost his way. Why doesn't the President have advisers like me who would tell him what folks were really thinking? Um --- wait a sec. I'd just be participating in the circle jerk routine of sucking up and promoting my own ideas that he gets to his face, all the while bad mouthing him behind his back while preparing notes for my best-selling autobiography "I Was the Only One Who Told Him the Truth But He Wouldn't Listen". Actually I can still write it, using my powers of telepathy . . . Duh! Dept.: Over 50 Americans scalded themselves during the recent cold snap by throwing pots of boiling water into the air, assuming it would freeze before it landed on them. Ah, the best laid plans --- maybe I should've said the best tossed plans . . . What column would be complete without a "Grabber", that feature in the Sunday Book Review section that prints the first line of a new novel, plus my capsule review. This week the book is "Saving Mozart" (ambitious title!) by Raphael Jerusalmy: "I hate Fridays." Obviously he had Wednesday and Thursday off . . . Off to Merry Olde England, where inventor Charlie Francis has used fluorescent proteins from jellyfish to create an ice cream that glows in the dark. He thought his invention was safe, since "I tried some and don't seem to be glowing anywhere". (*Urp!*) I'll take your word for it, Charlie . . . It's the night of Jesus' birth. Three Wise Guys are following the North by Northwest Star, looking for the Manger Suite at the Bethlehem Motel Six (a bit hard to find since the interstate bypass was completed). They stop at the Home Depot to get a crib (Home Depot out of stock, had to drop into Ikea), then find the Baby Jesus, all meanly wrapped in swaddling clothes (when I say meanly wrapped, I'm talking about a really nasty job of wrapping. Pretty atrocious swaddling, too). They present Jesus with their gifts: Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh (pronounced "myrrh"). I can see Jesus having a lot of fun with Frankenstein, but what's a little baby going to do with gold and myrrh? No point to this item; I just like all the cheap jokes --- before you jump me, remember the advantage of cheap (and corny) jokes --- the price is right.

* * *

HAPPY BELATED MLK DAY --- I think. I saw Vice President Biden on the tube Monday, saying something to the effect of he had thought we were over the hump on the whole civil rights stuff. Until recently I was just as guilty of this. The Vice President, who I like, sounded both surprised and distressed by what he was saying (this is one reason I like the veep --- for a politician, I find him refreshingly genuine and down to earth). There have been plenty of signs over the years that our brothers and sisters of color haven't been getting an even remotely fair shake. Remember the incidents at Denny's about twenty years ago, culminating in that institution refusing to serve a group of Secret Service agents? Come on, Denny's --- dark suits, white shirts, black ties, sunglasses --- honestly, dip into your corporate profits and take out enough money so you can buy a clue. I had a friend who joined the service in the late 60s and was stationed in Georgia. He made friends with a black fellow and one day they drove into town to get lunch. They went into a local diner, the owner came over and took the black guys order. A few minutes later a beautifully prepared entree was delivered. "Excuse me," said my white friend George. "I wanted to order too." "Law says I gotta serve him," came the response. "Doesn't say anything about you." I like to think we've come a long way from those days, but sometimes I wonder if the less tolerant elements have just become more sophisticated. The "Stop and Frisk" law in NYC resulted in something like 80% of blacks being pulled over when they only account for about 20% of crime. The Trayvon Martin case was appalling. But one thing has changed dramatically --- the number of white people living in poverty. The War on Poverty is another column, but we declared it fifty years ago. Back then the pictures we saw were primarily black folks and their kids, who lived in shacks (no indoor plumbing, often no electricity) and all looking malnourished. Because of Lyndon Johnson (and virtually no one else) very few folks are living in shacks and looking malnourished. Also, this is no longer exclusively or even primarily a race problem. White women are too often the heads of households now. I don't think this is what Dr. King had in mind. I saw a picture in the paper of MLK Jr. Drive in St. Louis --- a bunch of boarded up and/or gated buildings, one with a sign saying "Dream and Make the World Conform to Your Dreams". Do you think Dr. King would have endorsed this philosophy? Seems more to me like something Hitler could get down with. As to the outrageous decision the Supremes made scrapping title V of the Voting Rights Act, there is virtually ZERO evidence that anyone is trying to take advantage of the right to vote. I fail to see how the intent of these laws is anything other than racism, youthism, ageism, whatever. In short, a solution in search of a problem. On the other hand, 40% of the populace chooses not to vote. If you don't vote, don't gripe. But Happy Birthday, Martin --- the dream lives on.

* * *

READING THE NEWSPAPER for fun and items: Actual ad: Anniversary Dinner: $200. Bottle of wine: $100. Cure for Erectile Dysfunction: Priceless. Underneath, in slightly smaller type: December Special: $199! Includes everything (followed by a list of everything you get except a cure for ED). Priceless, eh? . . . A Sunday Headline: "S.F. listed as top city in U.S. to have a baby." So, young ladies, head on down to the corner of Turk and Jones @ 12:30AM and Have That Baby! . . . File under "Loyalty": Hiroo Onada, 91, has died. He fought in WWII. His commander, Maj. Taniguchi, instructed him in March 1945 to defend his corner of a remote island in the Philippines and await further instructions. This Mr. Onada did, surviving on coconuts and bananas, shooting the occasional intruder, until Maj. Taniguchi, now a bookkeeper, returned to inform him that Japan had lost the war and Hiroo could return home. This was in 1974. The whole thing reminds me of one of my Pop's favorite jokes: Q. Who is Chicken Teriyaki? A. The last living kamikaze pilot. Dated and maybe even racist, but happy to get a chance to remind the world of what a great guy Pop was.

* * *

SAGE OBSERVATION FROM Jean-Paul Sartre: "Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat." (Schnide Sez: You may have noticed I don't do much rowing.)

====================================

I believe every lie that I ever told,

Paid for every heart that I ever stole.

I paid my cause and I didn't fold.

Well it ain't that hard when you got willschneider7648@gmail.com

2014-01-17T05:14:00.002-08:00

01/17/14

Voyage to the Bottom of My Brain

LET'S BEGIN TODAY in TV land, where white supremacist Craig Cobb, who wishes to establish an Aryan enclave in North Dakota, has mistakenly agreed to appear on television to have his DNA tested. The black host (omigawd) is pleased to inform the horrified Mr. Cobb that he's 14% African, offer him a fist bump and call him "bro". This reminds me of the rumor that Hitler had some Jewish blood in his lineage, which was either knocked down or disproven. When I was a teenager I insisted on growing my hair long (this was very controversial back in the days when Dinosaurs ruled the earth). My hair fell out by the time I was 25. Forever after, my mom referred to this as Poetic Justice. We can file the aforementioned in the same category . . . Over to the Obamacare website, where Adriana (she refuses to give her last name), whose attractive, smiling visage adorned the home page of HealthCare.gov asserts she has been the victim of fierce cyberbullying. "I didn't design the website, so I don't think they had any reasons to hate me," she whined. Point taken, Adriana, but had you noticed there were a few people who objected to the ACA? What exactly did you expect? Chalk it up to a poorly investigated career move . . . Getting the 'rents outta yer face: An outfit in China has launched a website that, for a fee, will allow you to hire a fake boyfriend that you can take home and introduce to the folks. The idea being that this will get them off your back about finding a beau. If China is coming up with ideas like this, we're likely to lose the cultural wars. Shape up, America! . . . One D.C. wag chimes in: "Stop calling what's happening in Congress gridlock. It's insulting to traffic jams."

* * *

SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES: I am aware that I'm venturing into an area that involves human feelings so I should be careful, but I can't help myself. Let's begin with the situation at Ess Eff General. I would call this a comedy of human errors, tho I am fully aware there's nothing funny about it. There was no plot to lose this woman. They knew she was gone right away; they just didn't know where to look (also human error, but no plot). Same with the poor young teenager at Children's Hospital in Oakland. A routine tonsillectomy with horrible complications, but I don't hold the doctors responsible. The way the hospital handled it; now that was different. Very damaging PR for the hospital, which brings me to my point. Human beings make mistakes; we always have and we always will. Every time I see ambulance chaser Gloria Allred on the tube I want to vomit, even tho I am usually in agreement with her. But I am sick of the legal profession making such an obscene monetary killing on human error. They should all be shot. No, I retract that, we should boil them first. I worked for a little mom 'n' pop outfit called Marriott. By the end of my career I could have spent all my time in my office filling out forms and checking off boxes. The job took me more and more away from prepping food, supervising the staff, and interacting with customers. That was a perfect formula for mistakes to happen. The cook gets into a fight with the utility worker and there's a punch out because the boss is not around to intervene. The salad prep person doesn't check the date on the milk and makes a contaminated batch of dressing because there's no one around to double-check. Perhaps the lady's disappearance from General would have been noticed sooner if the nurses hadn't been so busy filling out their charts. Who knows what a surgeon has to pay attention to besides the patient while performing surgery? Don't they have to look at a whole bunch of monitors and machinery? Could this --- even if momentarily --- distract them? And what distracted Children's after the event? They were all over the media, of course! Forget the patient, hang the doctors out to dry if need be, marginalize the family --- WE NEED OUR LAWYERS! Thankfully, I'm not hearing about these kind of problems in small businesses, not because things don't go wrong, but because small business doesn't have such deep pockets. Unlike Amalgamated Consolidated Incorporated small business is paying their fair share of taxes instead of using every loophole in creation, hiding all their money overseas, screwing over their employees, and --- WHOOPS! Tangental rant coming on --- save for another column. What I'm attempting to say is we're working for lawyers as opposed to taking care of one another as human beings, and I'm not happy about it. This applies to single human error only, not the trouble we can get ourselves into when we get a gaggle of H.B.s together that try to plot. The current situation with Gov. Chris Christie comes to mind. All the evidence isn't in, and it would be unfair to presume anything other than innocence on his part, but a careful examination of the events could lead one to think the Governor just might possibly be remotely guilty of something (that's guilty --- GUILTY! GUILTY!! GUILTY!!!). I had to get that in --- like I explained, sometimes I can't help myself. I was raised by good people, but over the years I've developed some ways about me that just ain't right.

* * *

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE about a higher minimum wage? Won't this cramp the wealthy folks' need to increase the maximum wage? Honestly, you selfish deadbeats! No wonder our country's such a mess . . . Can't the stores take 24 hours off for the hollydaze? The last thing I feel like doing when I've stuffed myself on food and drink is go shopping! Well, Bi-Rite and Walgreens could be open so we could stock up on Pepto-Dismal and Alka Seltzer . . . Headline on "Dear Abby" column: "I love mornings, yet traffic, work put me in a foul mood." Dear worthless waste of valuable human territory: And what do you like? The alarm clock? Cleaning the cat litter box? Do what I do: start drinking immediately. The day will fly by. Love, Shabby . . . According to media sensation Morrissey, he sees "no difference" between eating meat and pedophilia. So, Mr. M (if that is in fact your real name), what is the difference between being a vegetarian and being a cannibal? . . . THIS JUST IN! Porn star Linda Lovelace and Dracula have returned from the dead to team up for a movie, titled "Down for the Count" (I know you're out there, folks, I can hear you groaning).

* * *

FROM HARVARD ECONOMIST Henry Rosovsky: "Never underestimate the difficulty of changing false beliefs by facts."

====================================

I knew you were

You were gonna come to me

And here you are

But you better choose willschneider7648@gmail.com

2014-01-10T05:24:00.000-08:00

01/10/14

Here We Are in the Years

HOW THINGS ARE LOOKING from my corner of the universe: So it's a brand new year. I like New Years, they always bring us hope. Did you make any New Year's Resolutions? Okay, you're a moron. What about the rest of us? Let's go to the political world, since that's our favorite form of non-physical combat. I will give you my fearless observations and predictions; you can look this column up in a year and have a good laugh. Why wait until then? Start chuckling now.

* * *

OFF-YEAR ELECTIONS are terrible for incumbent Presidents, especially second-termers. Bill Clinton picked up seats in 1998, but the Republicans were trying to impeach him over a consensual affair with another adult. And the guy leading the charge was boinking an aide at the time. Had to resign not only his speakership, but had to exit Congress completely. Ah, for the good old days! The only other time I'm aware of is Monroe in 1822, but I don't dismember why. Perhaps the medical community liked his Doctrine. So by all accounts the Republicans should pick up seats, right? Not so fast. They need to start offering alternatives instead of just knee-jerk badmouthing the President. They also need to seriously distance themselves from the Tase Party. The country disagrees with their entire social agenda. Heard the latest? The social conservatives in California want to get a measure on the ballot dictating where transgender kids can and can't go to the bathroom. This is a group that already suffers from a high degree of alienation and loneliness that leads as far as suicide. Let's pick on THEM! Mike Huckabee suggests he would have done just about anything to have had an excuse to get his rotund tush into the girls' bathroom, so Decent People should be appalled by this concept. Must confess I've never been in a female bathroom, but I'm guessing they don't go in there to have strip shows. Of course none of these folks talk about women going into the men's john. Really? The social conservatives have descended to this? Huckabee was also the one who's argument against same-sex marriage (now legal in 15 states, with more coming) had to do with that being equivalent to having to lower the hoops on the basketball courts because not everyone would be able to reach them (huh?). Let's not forget Rick Santorum's argument that if two men could marry, why not a man and two or three women? Or Bill O'Reilly's notion: How about a goat? How about a child? Gay marriage has nothing to do with polygamy, bestiality, or pedophilia. And how do they explain the documented existence of homosexuality in the animal kingdom? This is only my personal favorite of where the conservative movement has lost their way. What about gun control? Immigration? Republican states on an all out campaign to deny uppity types the right to vote (apparently gerrymandering all the state districts to ensure Republican victories wasn't enough --- save your arguments about the Democrats doing it too; the Dems never played it this dirty. Although if they get the House back in 2020, all bets are off)? The Conservatives are finally beginning to get the idea that the Affordable Care Act really IS the law. It may be the worst thing that ever happened, although history doesn't support that notion. The establishment interests always oppose everything that smacks of progressivism. They did it in Canada when that country created national health care. They did it with Social Security, Disability, Minimum Wage, Unemployment Insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, and Romneycare. But let's suppose you're right about the ACA. What are your ideas? And why don't you behave fiscally like Republicans? More on that in the next paragraph. Meanwhile, the country needs two vibrant political parties. The best way to pick up seats is to tell us what you propose to move us forward together instead of a bunch of rhetoric that further fragments an already divided populace.

* * *

THIS BRINGS US TO THE DEMOCRATS. Things aren't starting off well, but there are areas of hope. The deficits are coming down faster than at any time since WWII. Of the last five Presidents, the Republicans have spent like drunken sailors. The Dems have exhibited far more restraint. Why aren't you screaming this from every rooftop? You passed an immigration bill thru the Senate. The Reps refused to go along with it unless hundreds of miles of fence and 1000 border guards were added to the deal. Who's outspending whom? Your Red buddies want to give the Pentagon an arm and a leg, then the rest of the torso --- even the the Brass Itself says it doesn't need or want it!

Yet none of you point this out. I call this stuff low-hanging fruit. Why aren't you exploiting it? Next, regarding transparency: Mr. President, are you capable of an apology? It would do you a lot of good to go before the American people and say that, under your watch, the NSA has gotten completely out of hand. Accept personal responsibility for the situation, no explanations and no excuses. Thank Edward Snowden for performing an important service and tell him he is welcome in the USA, no strings attached. Continue your successful policy of not negotiating with the Republicans over debt ceilings or continuing resolutions. Put together a list of projects (cutting defense spending, closing corporate tax loopholes, establishment of a livable minimum wage, getting rid of about 50% of Farm Subsidies without cutting Food Stamps, instituting a national plan to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, propose a jobs plan) and dare the Republicans to act on it. If they don't, pull a Truman --- call them into special session this summer and force the issue. In other words, don't be a wuss --- you were elected to LEAD.

* * *

WHAT ABOUT OUR FAIR CITY? Housing is the overriding issue. I've never been a fan of this so-called "affordable housing" garbage. We set aside something like 20% of new developments as affordable. The number of residents needing this service is more like 75%. An affordable apartment should cost about $700 a month (about 40% of your wage). A condo should be perhaps $150,000. The City relies heavily on working class income folks to support out tourist and hi-tech industries. Mayor Ed, you have an opportunity for eternal fame and a solid place in history if you will provide something other than lip service on this. We've had problems here for better than 30 years. Willie Brown famously claimed twenty years ago that you shouldn't be in Ess Eff if you made less than $50,000 a year. Things are much worse now. Art Agnos is the only mayor we've had with the cajones to stand up to the real estate interests who've been calling the shots without any enforceable oversight. KNOCK OFF THE LIP SERVICE --- TAKE CARE OF YOUR RESIDENTS. The proposed Warriors stadium is a great idea; the Embarcadero area south of the Bay Bridge could use a shot in the arm (just don't mess with Red's Java House). But no housing or retail crap and don't violate the height limits. We already sent you a message with the 8 Washington fiasco. You have a lot of good qualities, sir, but we could really use some forward-looking leadership. Please don't let us down.

* * *

AN OLD GREEK PROVERB: "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

======================================

Let me tell you of a story 'bout a man named Jed;

A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed.

And then one day he was shootin' for some food

And up through the ground came a bubbling willschneider7648@gmail.com

2014-01-02T05:36:00.002-08:00

01/03/2014

Out With the Olde;

In With the *Phew!*

I AM REMINDED of the old Woody Allen joke: "I divide our species into two categories: the miserable and the horrible. The horrible are people that are disfigured, amputees, living in iron lungs, or in hopeless poverty --- I don't understand how they get thru life. And the miserable is everybody else." Why not get the New Year off to a fitting and hopeful start? Plus my best friend Saunders is laid up in the hospital right now and this is his kind of joke. Get well, Saunders --- I miss you, and you know what they say --- half a wit is better than none . . . A new website! It's called Farmers Only. First is a guy in a field surrounded by cows. That's followed by a woman in a field, also surrounded by cows. It's some kind of dating site (I must confess --- the Christian Mingle dating site is confusing enough to me. Christians aren't supposed to mingle; they're looking for their one and only so they can do the fun stuff to procreate only. Take Richard Nixon, now there was a good Christian. He had sex twice in his life and each time he was wearing a dark blue suit. But I ingress). Trouble is I don't understand who's looking for what. The man and the woman are alone. The place is loaded with cows. So the cows have already found each other. The man and woman are all by themselves, in separate film, so they haven't found other farmers --- unless the man and the woman are having a hard time deciding which cow they want --- it's all quite confusing. It's been a number of years since I've been up to date on such matters, but farming used to be pretty male-dominated. These are odds I like, and heck darn and schucky dang, ah kin tawk lahk a fahmuh; Ma, fetch the overalls, Ah'm In! . . . Now that I'm thinking about it, I've never had kids, but it must be way cool. People tend to treat you much differently when you're holding a newborn --- especially in strip clubs.

* * *

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN says we should reign in the NSA --- and we don't even wiretap his cellphone calls! . . . Been awhile since I've unloaded about Mr. Putin, and I of course do everything in my power not to tip my hand regarding how I feel about this worthless deadbeat. I think he's doing everything in his power to restart the cold war; I'll get to that. First, a little record-straightening. It was not exactly honest of Mr. Putrid to leave the impression that he came up with the path for peace in Syria. Secretary of State Kerry (a man who has actually seen war) was asked at a press conference if there was anything that could be done to avoid President Obama's nonsensical idea to carry out an air strike against Syria. "Mr. Assad could agree to U.N. inspection of their sarin facilities and negotiate removal of same", said the SOS. Within a couple of hours Putin had contacted Assad and announced this plan to the world as HIS idea. Then he came up with his forward-looking laws and proposals about gay folks. Throw them in prison! Take their children away and put them in orphanages! Why stop there? Let's just shoot them if they're even accused of being gay! Now he's released oil tycoon Mr. Khodorkovsky (why do these folks have such long names? Makes research for the column difficult) from prison, a man who no longer poses any threat to Putin. He thinks this makes him look benign to the rest of the world. "Rubbish!" retorts writer Lilia Sherstosa (AGAIN with the confusing names!). "(He) has been demonstrating all along that he does not care anymore what the rest of the world is thinking of him. He views other world leaders as weaklings who can be ignored." So did Hitler. As far as the cold war goes, Putin wants to establish Russian supremacy in the Middle East. LET HIM HAVE IT!!! He can negotiate with the ayatollahs, the sheiks, the allahs, al queda, talliban, whoever. We'll help Israel (who's perfectly capable of helping themselves) and the rest will still be happy to take our money. Mr. Putin is staking his reputation on the Winter Olympics being staged in Russia. President Obama and Vice President Biden will not be attending as a statement of protest against homophobia. They will also be sending such closeted figures as Billie Jean King to play visible roles. But they are sending a former cabinet level official, Janet Napalitano. May I suggest a White House groundskeeper? They could also send the fellow that did the signing for the deaf at Mandela's funeral as an interpreter. We are still on good terms with most of Europe, Australia and Japan; all countries who are somewhat gay-friendly. Let's call in some favors. I hate to call in the Russian fundamentalists because they aren't too discriminating about who they injure and kill, but they've been making Verminir Putrid a little nervous lately, and that's good. It's way past time to take this blustering egomaniac down. Enough of a rant by moi? I sure hope so, 'cause I'm pooped.

* * *

AN "OVERHEARD" FROM Leah Garchick's wonderful Ess Eff Chronicle column (best gossip column in America): "I was homeschooled. I had to bully myself." . . . Note to all you young folks: Michael Bolton is back! This guy inflicted himself on my generation with his cajones-free ballads and bland voice. Anyway, you can hear his best work on the car commercials he's doing now, and the next time your parents complain about your taste in music, just pull him out . . . My Pal Al decided to escape the harsh San Francisco winters by vacationing in Hawaii. Got an email from him in which he informs me that "I've found that lying on the beach consuming Mai Tais at 2 pm is a rather ****ty idea." Nonsense, Al. That's why the pharmaceutical industry invented Ipecac. A good slug of that, wait 20 minutes, and you're ready to start all over, fully refreshed. Problem solved; yr' welcome . . . A multiple choice test: Q. Do women have the right to make their own decisions about their bodies? a) Yes. b) I'm an ignorant nincompoop . . . And finally, a couple of personal notes: Happy Birthday to my valued and delightful friend-for-life, Laurie . . . Another shoutout to my Pop, who would've been 91 today. I love you and miss your humor and wisdom.

* * *

ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT: "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax."

=======================================

There goes my baby

With someone new.

She sure looks happy,

I sure am willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-12-26T01:35:00.002-08:00

a12/25/13

Merry Merry Merry

and Happy Happy Happy

I'M GOING TO TAKE the holiday off. But as Ahnold Schwarzenhiesenblackenblueuntchessesenburger sez, "Ah be bak." See you after the first.

A SCHNEIDER FAMILY TRADITION:

Merry Christmas,

Happy New Year.

Hope your refrigerator

Is full of beer.

War is over (if we want it)

Peas on earth;

Goodwill to everyone.

All Best,

Schnide

2013-12-20T04:41:00.002-08:00

12/20/13

Help Me Combobulate

BREAKING NEWS: Russia and Canada are both claiming territorial rights over the North Pole (currently occupied by ice). Something about mineral and oil deposits, but that isn't the point. Now it looks like we're in for a REAL Cold War . . . And MORE breaking news: We have a budget for the first time since 2009! There's something for everybody here --- if you live on Krypton. If you live in America, however, all this budget does is kick every can in the country down the road. This crowd in D.C. is the biggest collection of gutless wonders I've ever witnessed. I'd say hats off for finally getting it done, but my gut tells me heads off would be more appropriate . . . Always turn to S.R. for the latest --- when news breaks, This Column Repairs It! . . . Item-Type-Item: An Oakland resident named Alicia Dattner is performing a one-woman show called "The Oy of Sex." Don't know anything about it; I just like the title. Want to check it out? It's at the Marsh Theater on Valencia . . . Just Asking: Why are earthlings the only ones allowed to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant? . . . Same with the World Series. Howcum only two countries? . . . 86% of Americans wear seat belts. About half of law enforcement officers don't, according to the California Commission on Peace Officer Standards. And traffic fatalities are the leading cause of death among these folks. Don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a solution in search of a problem . . . Most nations got together to sign a treaty calling for world reduction in distribution of firearms. The U.S. was prepared to sign, but the NRA objected, saying it would interfere with our second amendment right to arm bears.

* * *

SARAH PALIN has asserted that Pope Francis is (gasp!) a liberal. Rush Limbaugh has called him a Marxist. Some folks confuse these media celebrities with actual journalists. These people are known as idiots. But enough about reality. The Pope says that if he met a gay person, he'd be happy to worship with them. "Who am I to judge?" he asked. You're the ****ing Pope, for Chrissakes! What the hell else do you guys do? Uh --- sorry about the inappropriate wording. He also has said the church should not be quite so worked up about worldly issues, like all the other Popes lately have seemed to be. He often leaves the Vatican and goes to poor parts of town to minister to the less fortunate. He's even washed the feet of Muslims! When he was a Cardinal, he eschewed the fancy out-of-town estate, living in an apartment downtown, preparing his own food, and, if I'm not mistaken, taking public transportation to his modest office. If Sarah and Rush are upset with this Pope, they ought to get a load of what Jesus has been saying. I think he's potentially the best since John XXIII . . . How about the phony who did the signing for the deaf at Nelson Mandela's funeral (speaking of Saints)? Apparently it was total gibberish. I want to know what test he had to pass to get the gig. Finally, a job I could do! . . . Did you notice that Benji Netenyahoo wasn't at Mandela's ceremonies? He's becoming isolated from the rest of the world, partly because of his increasingly hard line stances and exacerbated by some financial scandals. He's fond of expensive cigars and cognac, which I don't think he buys with pocket change. He has charged the govt. for $1700 in scented candles and $22,000 for a water bill at his vacation home. As for his foreign views, let's accept that Iran would prefer Israel cease to exist. Two points: R) Iran would not be making this offer so they could vaporize Israel, and 4) Israel is perfectly capable of vaporizing the entire Middle East. Time to step down, Benjamin, and let adults get this process going. It takes both sides to negotiate. All of this couldn't happen to a more deserving fellow.

* * *

FORMER VEEP DICK CHENEY was roasted at a gathering of Bush administration allies, with waterboarding jokes dominating the evening. It was "a very sentimental night", said one attendee. No word on how Mr. Cheney felt about it . . . The Golden Gate National Recreation Area wants to delay a decision on the various proposals near the Crissy Field marsh area. This is good thinking, since all of the designs SUCK. The site is currently occupied by a Sports Basement store, which would be fine if it were actually underground . . . Representative Michele Bachman resurfaced on a talk radio show to say, among other witticisms, "we are in God's end times", and adding "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand." For her sake I hope so. That attitude would have made her a real forward-looking President . . . An Oklahoma man was charged with burglary after police matched his DNA to used toilet paper at the scene of the crime. Police said Charles Williams used a home's bathroom while burglarizing it, leaving a mess behind and allowing the cops to identify Williams from his droppings. The whole affair prompted a neighbor to offer Williams the following advice: "Flush!" . . . Riddle Me This: Q. How do you make a pair of pants last? A. Make the coat first! Get it? Make the coat first! Har dee har har har (Relax, folks --- It's almost over).

* * *

FROM FOUNDING FATHER and second President John Adams: "One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three is a congress."

====================================

More than the greatest love the world has known,

This is the love I give to willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-12-13T04:38:00.000-08:00

12/09/13

Here He Goes Again

WHITHER THE REPUBLICANS? They've now voted over 40 times to defund the Affordable Care Act. I hate to sound like a broken DVD (no I don't), but I doubt this is much of an option now. After all, when we had the hanging chad and butterfly ballot problem in 2000 (and Pat Buchanan said on national TV: "Those votes in Palm Beach County weren't meant for me" --- now THERE was a national scandal), we didn't revert to monarchy. The best they can hope for at this point is that the law implodes --- which, given the way things have been going for the President, just might happen. I still think that once things get rolling, it will be popular. Maybe they can start by trying to nullify the nuclear agreement with Iran --- I like it, so it must be a bad idea. There are a few Republicans who are bringing up impeachment, but that won't work. How can we impeach a President who wasn't born here? But even some Dems, like Senator Whinestein, are on board as being squirrely about the Iran business. Throw in the stuff that's already underway with Syria (too busy shutting down the govt. to jump on that one in time) and maybe they've got something. We can of course count on Senator McCain, who would bomb Nebraska if he had an excuse. I used to respect him when he was more of a maverick; now he seems to be angling for History's Sorest Loser. It's his own damn fault. He ran a horribly negative campaign and picked a running mate that didn't made it thru her term as governor on her way to being a media celebrity (have to give Ms. Palin her props on that --- she knows how to stay in the public eye) . . . Polls indicate Obamacare is only popular with one in four Americans --- and that's just in the Obama family (one in five if the First Dog gets a vote).

* * *

HAS IT BEEN cold lately or what? It's been so cold that the Obamacare website literally froze up . . . It's been so cold that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had to smoke crack just to keep warm . . . But great snow! I'll be up there in the fresh pow cutting the rails and shredding the liner. Don't be telling ME I ain't one hep cat . . . Did you see 60 Minutes Sunday nite!? Neither did I! . . . READER ALERT! This column brought to you by Obamacare --- Turn your head and cough up savings! . . . San Diego Judge Patricia Cookson officiated a marriage between Danne Desbrow and his fiancé --- right after she sentenced the groom to 53 years in prison for murder . . . A group called the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled a new video and DNA analysis that it insists proves Bigfoot is real. "This is a serious study," said Melba Ketchum, genetic scientist. You didn't really need to tell us that, Melba . . . Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep on a plane and didn't disembark? Apparently the crew didn't notice he was there, left, and turned off the power and locked up the plane. Fellow had to call 911 to get out. Two questions and one observation: 2) How could the landing not have awakened him? b) was he sleeping under the seat? and III) Do you smell a huge lawsuit? . . . Did You Know Dept.: According to British newspaper The Guardian, the number of Americans killed in all wars since 1775 is 1.17 million. Number of Americans killed by firearms (including suicides) since 1968: 1.38 million. Just reporting . . . Speaking of the NSA (we were?) Ess Eff Chronicle columnists Matier & Ross have helpfully pointed out that German Chancellor Angela Markel's husband works at UC Berkeley. Like M&R I am always happy to point out wiretap long-distance savings tips, even tho the NSA seems immune to Republican or Democrat efforts to do so.

* * *

NEWS I'M PROUD TO REPORT: Ess Eff's current unemployment is 5.6%, one of the lowest in the country. Our minimum wage is $10.55, one of the highest in the country. So Chamber of Commerce and NRA (National Restaurant Assn., not that other NRA), in response to your comments about businesses being driven away by the M.W., especially the small businesses you claim to care so much about (The City is about 80% small business), why don't you go piss up a rope? . . . Gratuitous joke for old-timers: Today is Ed Sullivan's birthday! Don't forget to wear a really big shoe . . . Gratuitous joke for yuppies: Remember the Budweiser commercials featuring the promiscuous dog who was always surrounded by gorgeous women? Ladies, I mean no offense (I know better than that) but wouldn't you have to be pretty desperate to date outside your species? . . . And now, a word from your local undertaker: Are you bored with life? High cholesterol? Diabetic? Overeater? Drink too much? Avoid exercise? Keep it up . . . These Kids Today, with all their piercings, tattoos and buzz-cut hairstyles: One phrase they use I really like: "No worries." Beats the hell out of the ones my generation came up with, like "farm out," "outtastate", and "right arm" . . . Why is America the only country with overweight poor people? I'm glad we don't have the flies buzzing around the head thing going on here, but wouldn't your food stamps go farther if you were to go on a diet? (Note: not a good joke for Tease Party types to tell.)

* * *

NUGGET O' WISDOM, courtesy Meryl Streep: "You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing."

================================

Hey Jude, don't make it bad;

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, Hey Jude, begin,

You're waiting for willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-12-06T04:14:00.000-08:00

12/02/13

Patter of a Tiny Brain

MY LAWYER JUST CALLED --- Seems my vanity has sued (I put that in there for my best friend Saunders, who is amused by such stuff) . . . Here's a twist: 432 Ess Eff teachers didn't show up for work the Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving. See, they were already getting Wednesday and Friday off, and decided to make it a long weekend by adding Tuesday. Two observations: a) This doesn't speak well of our educational system. I'm talking about the teachers, not the students. If they'd taken Monday off, it would have made it nine days in a row. How much education and work experience do you need to figure that out? And 2) What a twist --- the TEACHERS playing hooky! . . . I called the Disney Company to see if they would open a new Disney World in my name now that I'm a famous columnist; requesting that it have a mountain with my face carved on it. I am happy to report that, as always, This Column Gets Results! The new site will be called Disney County and my face will be carved on Mt. Slushmore, along with Rob Ford, Marion Barry, and Anthony Weiner. I asked if there would be other attractions. Again, Results! It will be called "Throw the Money into Walt's Mouth" . . . The first day of Hanukah and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year, so happy holiday. Won't be able to wish you that for another 70,000 years, which I will do. How, you ask? Me and my buddy Dr. Bob were hanging out at work one day, debating who was right about everything (he is). The subject of death came up. "I'm not going," he posited. "Howzzat?" I inquired. "Somebody has to be first," he said. "Why not me?" Made sense, so I asked him if I could join the club, and we shook on it. Are we right? You'll have to wait 70,000 years to find out . . . Was TV surfing t'other day when I ran across an ad for special glasses that enabled the wearer to see clearly in the dark and in fog. Regular price? $439.99. Our price --- Ten Bucks. BUT WAIT! Call in the next ten minutes (says the ad that will run six times a day for the next month) and we'll throw in a second pair for free! Don't know about you, but I'm no dummy. I'm calling every ten minutes until I run out of money. Then I can resell them for $439.98 . . . How come he never runs any feelgood stuff? I thought it was great when Batkid Miles Scott rescued Ess Eff a couple of weeks ago from the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin (I didn't know penguins lived here). A gazillion folks turned out to honor him, Mayor Lee gave him a chocolate key to The City, and both papers ran special front pages in honor of the event. Miles is currently in remission from leukemia and all of our thoughts go out to him. I feel the same way about the youngster who got to run the fake touchdown during a Major League Football game. Just goes to show how good hearted the human race can be if given a chance.

* * *

RADIO PERSONALITY DAMON BRUCE has returned from an all-too-brief suspension for a rant suggesting women and "sensitive men" (what could that possibly mean?) were destroying football. I'll be a little less sensitive about football when I don't hear as much about concussions and broken bones. Football more and more resembles the lions and the gladiators, except the lions didn't injure their prey; they ATE them. As for you, Damon, may I recommend a career path more compatible with your skills, like mopping prison cell floors --- at minimum wage, since that's the least we can legally pay you. In short, Mr. Bruce, I think your views are booring (alright, I admit, I put this item here in a shameless attempt to garner female fans. Stay with me. They make up 51% of the species, meaning my chances of attracting same are 8 million to one. How can I lose?) . . . Venezuela's leftist government has seized control of a toilet paper factory in an effort to end the nation's ongoing TP shortage. The govt. asserted toilet paper is an "essential commodity." I'd have to agree with that. The salient question, however, is what would a right-wing government do? Easy. Threaten to withhold the toilet paper unless govt. health care was defunded.

* * *

JUST ASKING: What do you think Thanksgiving dinner was like at the Cheney household? Did the Clintons and Obamas dine together? . . . Homage to George Carlin: Why is it called chicken fried steak? It contains neither chicken nor steak . . . Don't you love getting multi-page stuff in the mail where one or two pages say "This page intentionally left blank"? If it's intentionally blank, why is there writing on it? . . . And how about prescription drug commercials. The first ten seconds: END IMPOTENCE! CURE CHOLESTEROL! GOODBYE TO ALL ACHES AND PAINS! SO LONG TO COLDS AND FLU! Then fifty seconds of side effects: Drowsiness, dizziness, meningitis, heroin withdrawal, prostate, breast, brain and pancreatic cancers, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, the yaws, and then you'll die. But in the meantime, AVOID ALCOHOL!!! I'm going face down in a barrel of Jim Beam (I prefer Black Label) so I can drink --- uh, I mean THINK this over.

* * *

ACCORDING TO MICHAEL DELL: "If you're the smartest person in the room, find another room."

===============================

That old Black Magic has me in its spell,

That old Black Magic that I know so well.

In a spin, lovin' that spin I'm in

Lovin' that old Black Magic called willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-11-29T04:28:00.002-08:00

11/23/13

Graton-on-the-Rohnert

I HATE GAMBLING. So when my less-than-nimble sensory perceptions started observing advertising for a new casino named Graton (coming soon, soon, soon --- whoops! Here it is!) I was horrified. Gambling has a habit of attracting the less savory elements of society, i.e.: people like me. What is the difference between gambling and working a regular job? The odds are heavily stacked toward the house. At least in business you're guaranteed a (tiny) portion of the profits. Gamble and you almost always lose all your money, then your car, your house, your family and your clothing. I'm a coward --- I'd rather take my chances in the workplace. But I regress. Graton? Graton is just the name of the joint. It's actually located in an area (doesn't even qualify as a town, as far as I'm concerned) called Rohnert Park, a 60s blot of blight between Petaluma and San Francisco. Having a casino there is fine with me, since Rohnert Park has the personality of a garden slug, so at least the casino won't run down the neighborhood. Graton is a lovely small town located north of Sebastopol. My ex-girlfriend's father was born there. I know Graton. Graton has been friendly to me. Rohnert Park, you're no Graton. All this is leading to an article I read in the Ess Eff Bay Guardian Nov. 6th by Yael Chanoff; highly enlightening. As far as I know, there is an Indian Reservation in Graton. I don't know if Tribal Chairman Greg Sarris is a leader of that particular reservation, but he's the main person responsible for bringing the casino into being. At his insistence, the resort was built with 100% union labor. The facility will also be unionized --- without the interference of the NLRB. It will be done without anti-union big business pressure, just a simple card check where every employee can vote yea or nay. There was full tribal control of the development board at his insistence. He also insisted on a LEED certified green building (I'm assuming he's not referring to the paint color). It will be, of course, Indian owned. So Graton, I heartily approve. Since the govt. reneged on all the treaties they signed agreeing to return the land they were no longer using (how about a casino on Alcatraz or in the Presidio?) this seems like the least we can do to accommodate the Indians. Perhaps one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive us for the inexcusable way we've treated them. A big shoutout to Mr. Sarris, one courageous man. If you want more information, visit news@sfbg.com.

* * *

SPEAKING OF SHOUTOUTS, one is due to Kohel Jinno of Tokyo, whose home and business were demolished to make room for the 1964 Olympics, and now will have to move again because his home is on the site of the 2020 Summer Games. "Deep inside, I have a kind of grudge against the Olympics," said Jinno, 79. No kidding . . . Over to Florida, where Anthony Garcia has just grabbed the cash drawer from his church's gift shop and sprinted off, with employee Joe Larkin in hot pursuit. Mr. Garcia was wearing oversize pants but was not quite as oversized himself. The pants slipped and Larkin dove at him, pulling the pants down enough so that Mr. Garcia tripped and fell, leading to his arrest. "Had he been wearing a belt, there may have been a different outcome," said a sheriff's spokesman. Not a good idea to steal money from the Higher Power . . . Wide World of Sports Dept.: On game day, Cowboys Stadium consumes more electricity with its air conditioning, massive scoreboard, and other power-sucking amenities than Liberia, a nation of 3.7 million people. They do everything BIG in Texas . . . Lyndon LaRouche turned 91 recently. He ran for President as a third-party candidate in 1976. Took out a half hour on prime time TV, which I remember watching. He showed an indecipherable series of charts and graphs, concluding: "So we can all see that Jimmy Carter is committed to thermonuclear war by July of 1977." Really. Happy birthday, Lyndon.

* * *

DO YOU KNOW what a good farmer is? I do. A good farmer is a man who's outstanding in his field (oh, for chrissakes, Schnide --- go back to the essays) . . . Has to be true, it was in the gossip colm: Bruce Jenner's daughter, Kylie, says she can't remember a time when she wasn't famous. Funny, I didn't know Bruce Jenner had a daughter . . . Are you old enough to remember when, if you wanted a cup of coffee, you went to a coffee shop; i.e.: a place where you ordered your bacon and eggs and coffee was included? Now you go to Stonedbucks, where they give you a cup of coffee that would wake up a narcoleptic. Somebody brought me one a couple of days ago --- I almost had to be pried off the ceiling. And we hear drugs are out of favor . . . I have a friend of a quarter-century that I shall refer to as Dr. Bob. We met where we worked at the time and struck up a powerfully good relationship. Dr. Bob and I have slightly differing points of view regarding political and social issues --- to say we differ is like saying George Bush and Saddam Hussein had slightly different takes on how to resolve problems in the Middle East. At any rate, Bob read my recent diatribes about President Obama and the BART strike and doesn't see things quite the same. Bob will now say a few words about my opinions: "#%@?&$!" Duly noted; hope I quoted you properly, sir . . . Finally, I think we should import Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and let him run Ess Eff for awhile. He'll fit right in with the other comedians we have governing our city.

* * *

FROM ALICE WALKER: "The long-term accommodation that protects marriage and other such relationships is forgetfulness."

==============================

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-11-14T03:55:00.000-08:00

H11/4/2013

Will Work for Spare Items

RAN INTO MY NEIGHBOR, Mary Lou, in the hallway t'other day. Mary is a tall, attractive woman. She wears high heels, and I mean spiked version of same. "Why do you wear high heels?" I inquired inappropriately. "Because they make me look taller," she asserted. "You don't need to look taller," I said, continuing to move my foot around in my mouth to try and enunciate the words. "Some men find them sexy," she posited. "All it makes me think of is incredible foot pain" I responded, amoeba-ly. Thought I was home free with the smart-aleck comment. "Oh, yeah?" she served back. "Do you think sex exists?" I had to admit that I thought it did. "Then I guess that makes you a sexist." I excused myself, went back to my apartment and broke into the cooking sherry to clear my senses . . . He Must Be Famous His Name Was In The Gossip Colmns Dept: Dr. Mehmet Oz (How could you not be famous with a name like that?) Prevailed over some chronic malcontent who claimed the doc's advice for how to warm some rice and put it in his sock, then warm your feet did not result in a malpractice verdict. Why? Because the foot sock clown didn't notice anything amiss until he had 3rd-degree burns on his feet! And so Schnide's Dextrous Digit Award goes to aforementioned gentleman for bringing the most astonishingly stupid idea for a lawsuit in modern times. And a followup to Dr. Oz.: The name might be helping but check out a different day job . . . The Book Review in the Sunday Chronicle has a little featurette called "Grabbers". It's the first line of a new novel, supposedly such a Grabber that you can't put the rest of the book down. Here's a recent offering from book titled "The Heavens Rise" by Christopher Rice: "I'm not sure how long it was down there." How long what was down there? You don't tell us when it got down there. Nothing about where it came from. Why was it down there? How did it get down there? I'm supposed to commit myself to a couple hundred pages of reading time to finding out about this? Nothenkyew. Oh, I forgot about the who, as in who gives a ****?

* * *

THE BART STRIKE is over. One of the big issues and final stumbling blocks was safety, pushed by the unions. I confess I didn't really understand it. Thanks to BART Management and a certain off-day "routine maintenance" workout, two people are dead, both of them non union employees. Now I get it, and so does everybody else. There will be an investigation into safety issues, now that management has been caught in a flagrant violation. I held my fire about this whole mess, partially because it's easy for me to be an armchair yuppie about this (I don't depend on BART) and mainly because of self-preservation since my views are so out of the mainstream. The Unions had a handshake agreement with Management (tip #1: NEVER have a handshake agreement with The Boss) that if they didn't ask for a raise in 2009, management would take care of them next time around. They got taken care of, alright. A 14% raise stretched out over 8 years --- less than 2% a year. That's a COLA, not a raise. They are also getting a 3.5% raise to cover their benefit contributions, which cost at least double that. I know a lot of union employees who depend on BART who felt BART employees were already overpaid. Why? They negotiated contracts that were ratified. Now management wants take backs? Does this remind you a little of the Tea Party elements? We know we promised you certain benefits and you paid taxes (dues) in good faith on your end, but now we can't deliver so we're changing the terms of the agreement. The reason? We don't have any money. In America? No money? Huge corporations that pay NO taxes and we don't have any money? Not enough money for the safety nets the poor and elderly depend upon? We shouldn't resent the regular schmoes in life that got good paying jobs and worked hard enough to hang on to them. As far as BART employees being lazy; well, it's a pretty huge system and runs awfully well. This does not happen in spite of the hired help, it happens because of it. The People will rise up and bring death upon the fascist empire! The Workers control the means of production!!! Oops --- got a little carried away there. Time to chill.

* * *

A COLORADO MAN was less than happy about having to pay off his estranged wife, so he bought $500.000 in gold and dumped it into a trash bin. His comment? "Damn right I did it." . . . Mixed Blessings Award: Georgia resident Walter Serpit ran into his burning house to rescue his family. Then he ran back in to save his Bud Light. At least he had his priorities straight, although given the condition of some families the point could be open for debate. If he had emerged with third-degree burns he may have qualified for free treatment from Dr. Mehmet Oz (see above) . . . A Texas safari club is raising money for endangered black rhinoceroses by auctioning off a permit to hunt and kill one in Namibia. Despite criticism (really?), Dallas Safari Club director Ben Carter insists the DSC is committed to conservation and says the permit may raise $500,000. Whoever wins the permit, he says, will be "someone who wants to make a major statement about how much they believe in conservation." No argument there. But folks, I know where you can get $500,000 --- IN GOLD! No need to kill anything! You'll need hip waders, diving gear and good-fitting gloves, but you don't have to kill anything. Yr' Welcome . . . Time to say "so long": Dianne Feinstein has been a public servant for better than 40 years, many of them distinguished. She has also often been a loose cannon on some important issues. She couldn't hop on the bandwagon fast enough in calling Edward Snowden a traitor. How 60s! I have mixed feelings about him, but he's certainly no traitor. And then to hop on the bandwagon about re-upping the NSA's inexcusable powers of spying, now extending to leaders of our Allies. What can she be thinking? She could retire with relative grace. After all, she's 80. Uh, yes, I do believe age exists. Why are you asking?

* * *

Winston Churchill was at a party that had long outlasted its useful expiration date when an elderly dowager strode up to him and announced: "Winston, you are drunk. You are very drunk. You are very VERY drunk!" "And you, madam, are ugly," responded Winston. "You are very ugly. You are very VERY ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."

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I am ugly. I am very ugly. I am very VERY ugly. I am also VERY VERY drunk. But tomorrow I shall be willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-10-28T16:22:00.001-07:00

Oct. 28, 2013

Barack Obama: A Modest Assessment

THE GOVERNMENT CRISIS has been settled, mostly because of President Obama's resolve. When he said after the 2012 elections that he was through negotiating with the Republicans about continuing resolutions and debt ceilings, he meant it. Now he has more than three years to hone his leadership skills, which I believe he needs to concentrate on in order to seal his legacy.

* * *

AND AN IMPRESSIVE legacy it is. We finally have national health care. Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to give thought to it, over 100 years ago. When FDR hired Frances Perkins to be his Secretary of Labor in 1933 he asked her what her goals were. "Unemployment Insurance, Social Security, and National Health Care," she replied. Every Democrat and one Republican since Truman has endorsed it. It represents the logical conclusion of the New Deal and Great Society programs. After forty years of being in the woodshed (due at least partially to foolish behavior on our part) we have a progressive in the White House. To all of you armchair liberals who do nothing but whine about what he hasn't done, I would ask you to name the last president who came this close to looking out for the causes you're interested in. On social issues, he's been right on the money. Why do we continue our two-century-plus discrimination practices? The White House was built by the Irish (and the blacks; but we imported them). My family came from Germany and Italy. After they finished their stints on garden paradises such as Ellis and Angel Islands (where they could see the beauty of America but not participate) we generously allowed them to live in tenements. My grandpa, a first generation American, was a butcher --- six days a week, twelve or fourteen hours a day. The current flavor is anything hispanic, but especially from Mexico. For the first time in our country's history, we've actually built up a wall to keep them out. And what kind of work do they do? Mostly they pick crops. And who are the Communists that hire them? Uh --- that would be huge agribusiness conglomerates, since the family farm is mostly a nostalgic memory. Credit where it's due, President Bush was at least somewhat benign on this. And Mr. Obama could be doing better, but at least he's responding to some pretty odious forces by making an effort. There are way too many guns and gun violence in this country, probably more than the next five countries combined. Couldn't we at least come to a mutual agreement that it's way past time to at least have a civil discussion about this? Certainly we can agree with the NRA's assertion that mental health issues need to be addressed. And certainly we ought to be able to agree that nobody except the military needs assault rifles. Barack Obama is the first President to talk seriously about this since Lyndon Johnson. The second amendment is the only one that talks about a piece of machinery (we may be the only country in the world to have something like this; I've never heard otherwise). Machinery is bound to change over the years. What if the second commandment said "Thou Shalt Exercise Thy Divine Right To Posses a Well-Regulated Set of Wheels"? Drones have wheels. Maybe Donald Trump would be the only person who could afford one, which he could use to drop all of his birther documentation into the middle of the Pacific, along with the drone. This is the first President to openly embrace LBGT issues and gay marriage. Why are we even talking about this? Perhaps I've lived in Ess Eff too long, but this one's as obvious as Liberace. Those of you who don't get this, no disrespect intended, need to take a crowbar and pry open your minds. Why are we still treating Blacks so badly? What if Trayvon Martin had been of age, armed, and had shot the white-skinned neighborhood watch guy? What do you think the jury would have ruled then? "If your answer to that question is at least ambiguous, then we have something to talk about" --- Barack Obama. Why, forty years after Roe v. Wade, are a woman's right to make decisions about her body even up for discussion? The President has been front and center about that, as well as the depressing wage inequality between the genders. What about the elderly? The President's current position is he's non-negotiable on Social Security and Medicare benefits, and the Republicans have gone strangely silent about this lately. On the economy, we are crawling back --- just like we did in the thirties. The Roaring Twenties lasted about 8 years --- it took all of the thirties to get back. The last economic pigfest lasted a quarter century --- this is going to take time, particularly if the Republicans, without offering any alternatives, continue to automatically reject every job and economic plan Obama proposes. And lest we forget, he nailed Bin Ladin. Some wisenheimers say Bush laid all the groundwork for this. That's not unlike saying Calvin Coolidge was responsible for the Great Depression. History ain't gonna see it that way. Bin Ladin orchestrated 9/11 as surely as Tojo planned Pearl Harbor. Both of them deserve to be dead. To those who would correctly assert that much of what the President talks about is still little more than a dream, we've had dreamers before --- Kennedy, King, Lennon. We'll see where Barak Obama fits in.

* * *

HAS THE PRESIDENT disappointed me? You bet. Why are we still in Afghanistan? Why did it take us so long to get out of Iraq? Those places are no less a train wreck than they were in 2009. Why do we still have troops in Germany and Japan nearly 70 years after the end of WWII? How about Korea (1953), the Philippines and Cuba (Spanish-American War, 1898) and damn near every other country on the planet except Vietnam, which kicked our sorry asses out? Talk about entitlements! It would seem like the Dept. of Defense considers itself a birthright. Way past time for this to change. To discuss the entire issue of transparency is a column in itself, so I will try and keep my comments brief. What Mr. Snowden and the Wikileaks guy offered are the tip of the iceberg. We were promised the most transparent administration ever. Right. That would be like Richard Nixon asserting his term would be the most scandal-free in history. The President has been embarrassingly behind the curve on every issue that's come up, being forced to 'fess up on all matters only after the media has outed him. At least once he gets caught, he belatedly tells the truth. But it begs the question: What aren't we being told? The leader of Brazil cancelled a state visit because she found out we'd been monitoring her cell-phone. Then the leaders of France and Germany made it clear that they were more than a little annoyed by the same behavior. Shouldn't these revelations have been preceded by an Obamacall of abject, groveling apology for this inexcusable violation of their human dignity? While he's at it, he should call the call every leader of every country on Earth, even Kim Sick Un, and do the same. After that, get a few local phone books and start making random calls. We spent nearly $11 BILLION on the NSA last year. Looking for an easy budget cut, Mr. Prez? They couldn't discover the human sewage responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings, nor the whack job that killed a few cops and then holed up in a cabin near L.A. and destroyed a perfectly useful piece of property, or the derango that walked into a D.C. military facility and blew away a dozen people --- just to name a very few? The word inefficient called --- it wants its reputation back. How about wasting the money on a $5 per hour raise for everybody making less than $20 an hour? Finally, where do you stand on corporate welfare? I don't know if you'll get around to this, but you could try and lay some groundwork.

* * *

AND HOW HAS he been treated by his opponents? Like he doesn't really belong in the White House because, let's face it, he's not like a normal American. What other President has felt compelled to release his birth certificate? Congress' little feelings are hurt because he doesn't schmooze enough with them. How 80s! Has it ever occurred to these folks that instead of going out and eating and drinking too much, wotinevvin's name is wrong with spending time with your family, especially when your kids are at such critical ages? I don't hear much about their families. Well no, that isn't exactly right. A Republican congressman has come out in favor of gay marriage after his 20 or 21 year old son outed himself. I don't think the Obamas would find out at that late date. This is the best family we've had in the White House since the Kennedys. What really roasted my cookies was when Sen. Mitch McConnell said, after the 2010 midterms that his objective was "to make certain Barack Obama is a one-term President." Nothing about jobs, the economy, the deficit. NOTHING. The President tried to negotiate with them. It led to one near government showdown, one real govt. shutdown ($24 billion, thank you Taze Party) two near defaults, and countless wastes of taxpayer time and money trying to void the Affordable Care Act. Do the Republicans ever plan to tell us what they're for?

* * *

TIME TO BRING this questionable effort full circle, or perhaps more of a parallelogram. I believe in this President. I believe in his ability to lead. He still has over three years. If my (don't forget that word modest) assessments are anywhere near the ballpark, I suspect we'll be finding out pretty soon.

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We hold these truths to be self evident: That all men(?) are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-10-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

Oct 15, 2013

A Mind is a Terrible Thing

FIRST UP TODAY is my acquaintance Miriam. My best friend Saunders and me were hanging around Chez Schnide t'other day when she walked in and asked me what I was up to. "I'm working on my blog," sez moi. "Ooohh!" she gushed. "A blog! How do I get my name in it?" Let's pause here for a reality check. This is being read by more than two dozen people. Pity th' fool who mess with my powers! We could move into desperation on her part here, but instead I'll go to flattery. Miriam is the first person who has ASKED to have her name inserted. I'll take whatever I can get, and with gratitude. "I dunno, I replied --- tell me a joke." Miriam ejects "How can you face your problem if your problem is your face?" Saunders and me let out giant belly laughs, and I mean not the patronizing kind. After miss M left, we tried to figure out why. Neither of us understood the joke. We agreed it had been a surprise. Perhaps it was like the joke about the roof --- over our heads. Maybe one needs an IQ of something like 250…million. If any of you get it, please let me know. At any rate, thanks for the item, Miriam . . . Over to Florida, where the Schmitt family --- Rick, his lovely wife Lisa, and their beautiful children Hillary and Eric, have discovered gold after a 13-year search. They found it on an old Spanish shipwreck. It's worth $350,000. So far so good, eh? Not so fast. Most of the findings will go to the state and the company that owns the diving site. But that's all fine with Lisa, who said "The greatest treasure is time with the family." Huh? Underwater, swimming around in a shipwreck? How about hanging together off the top of a skyscraper? At least you could talk to each other. Whatever happened to a picnic at the beach?

* * *

MOSES DROPPED DOWN from the mountaintop with a spacial tablet for Teahadist Ted Cruz and his nut job followers. It said "Thou Shalt Know Without Enactment of a Law That Said Law Shalt Fail, And Thou Shalt Spare No Effort To Make Certain Such Law is Stillborn. Oops --- Didn't Mean That. Got My Priorities Mixed Up. He Wants the Unborn to Live. Once They Shalt Live, THAT'S When He Shalt Get Involved In Everything. Don't Forget That Part." That prompted The Devil to pop up from his hideaway in Upchuckistan with his response, available on Facebook and Twitter. "Forget about the crap (the devil can talk like this) the Old Man says. That law means I may not be getting ceased-to-be humans at the rate I'm used to. Plus donations and favors from the Insurance, Legal and Pharmecutical companies might dry up. Go ahead and vote down the law; just do it for the proper reasons." As I write this, our govt. problems have not been solved. Let no one forget exactly who started this. The whole idea was to shut down the government unless congress would defund the Affordable Care Act, which many of our less educated congresspeople continue to refer to as a bill. We should provide all these folks with a simple book titled "How A Bill Becomes A Law", kind of like we got in grade school. Lots of color pictures so they'll pay attention, but here's the Schnide Notes: The House of Representatives approves the money, the Senate agrees, the President signs off and voila --- it's a law! I've never in my life witnessed such a collection of sore losers. I think they came to Congress in 2011 to shut the govt. down. They almost succeeded once. Now they have and guess what --- they've upped the ante and suddenly, people don't like them! I will be disappointed in the President if he negotiates anything with these folks until they drop all objections to Obamacare. Have you noticed the Republicans are suddenly not talking about the Affordable Care Act? Don't be fooled . . . I fear I'm over-ranting, so I'll end the paragraph with a nice, pleasant joke that will dovetail with the theme of said rant, since Congress is so full of lawyers. A pleasure boat is out on the bay. They encounter a big wave, and two guests are thrown overboard; one a lawyer. A shark immediately shows up, grabs the lawyer and carries him to safety. The astonished folks on the boat say "That's amazing! How did you do such a thing --- and why the lawyer?" "Professional courtesy," sez the shark.

* * *

THIS WEEKS LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS award goes to William Freis of Nebraska. He's suing Walmart for killing his wife. The crime? These underworked and overpaid employees overloaded a single plastic bag with two 42-oz. cans of La Choy and a 2-pound bag of rice. His wife, Lynette, dropped said package on her foot. Her toe got infected and she died. What the --- ? As much as I dislike Walmart, I think we're talking an easy money scam here. In Nebraska, there are these people called doctors. Before the toe becomes infected, the doctor can apply some disinfectant and a band-aid. Should that not work, antibiotics would be in order. Ain't no reason on God's Green Earth anybody oughta die from this. So here's Judge Willie's settlement: A lifetime supply of plastic bags to Mr. Freis and a $2-an-hour raise to Walmart employees on GPs.

* * *

FROM AMBROSE BIERCE: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

==============================

When you're weary, feeling small;

when tears are in your eyes I will dry willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-10-14T03:58:00.001-07:00

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

What's in a Name?

OH MY, DO WE ever get excited about things in these parts. Right now we're in a huge kerfuffle about our brand spanking new Bay Bridge. Thepowers that be have deigned it be named after Willie Brown, our former Mayor. Problem is, this only refers to the western span, opened in 1936. It already has a name --- The Bay Bridge. Howesomever, the approach deserves its own name. Remember what a mess that was, for over ten years? The Hindenburg had less design flaws than that monstrosity. The entrances and egresses, designed in the early 30s and again twenty years later, were inadequate to begin with and have not aged well. The redesigning gets one on and off the bridge without the curves that required you to slow to 10mph. But once you approach or get off --- OHMYGOLLYGORKINS! We could hang several signs over these streets to read while you're sexting. "This approach/egress brought to you by 80 years of poor city planning" --- it would be unfair to blame Willie for this. The Oakland Toll Plaza, on the other hand, merits special attention. It's a nice, wide structure that spans the plaza (ha! --- a span without backups, unless maybe you're a pigeon) and thus could accommodate a lot of words: This Plaza and the 2.2 miles that follow brought to you via the egomania of Jerry and Willie Brown, plus the inexcusable delays provided by the Calif. Dept. of Highways, resulting in delays/cost overruns of $Gazzillion. Toll in 1989: $1. Today: $5-$6. There would even be room for a sculpture. I suggest a large right hand, middle finger appropriately extended. And what about the cracking bolts we all read about that almost delayed the opening? No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control. Did you know that ifthe bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30 million bonus? Just reporting.

* * *

THE AVERAGE HEAD contains 250,000 hairs, give or take. Redheads, a few more. Blondes, a few less. Am supplying this data to assist you in following the old Delphic Oracle's excellent advice: "Know Thyself" . . . There's a small town, population 24, in North Dakota. A fellow named Paul Cobb is buying up available land there, hoping to turn it into a haven for white supremacists. He doesn't sound like a very nice man, but that isn't the story. He's wanted in Canada on charges of promoting hatred. What kind of law is this? I hate frozen vegetables. Does that make me persona non grata north of the border? Also this town has a mayor by the name of Ryan Schock. With a name like that, shouldn't we expect big things of him? How about a drone attack on Bismarck? Perhapshe could drop Paul Cobb from one . . . My Pal Al sez my column reads like it was written by a speed freak. Sorryalilltryandslowthingsdownabitjustforyou . . . Al is also thinking about taking a cruise on his next vacation; he isn't sure where but he is sure about one thing: it won't be on Carnival. "Those ship captains would have trouble finding land if they were skydiving," he asserts.

* * *

A VERY POOR way of getting revenge: A 64-year-old Canadian fellow decided to express his displeasure toward his estranged wife by dumpingheaps of manure into her outdoor hot tub. He then made an unsuccessful getaway attempt, using his tractor. "It was a low-speed chase," said the arresting officer --- "about 12.5 mph" . . . Senator Marco Rubio, the guy who exposed his drinking problem during the Republican response to the President's State of the Union speech, is in a spot of trouble with his fellow Republicans' over his too-liberal immigration stance, has responded by endorsing the idea of refusing to allow the govt. to pay its bills unless Congress votes to defund the Affordable Care Act. Memo to the Tease Party --- The bill has been passed, signed, and upheld by the Supremes. It isn't going anywhere before 2017, and it's Mr. Obama's legacy. With the way things have been going for the President lately, he's likely hang onto it with both hands. Plus, if it's such a bad idea, won't we know by then? . . . This also gets on my radar --- Immigration Reform. The Democrats and gang of eight passed one thru the Senate. The reps refused to sign onto it unless it was agreed that we'd add several hundred miles of fence and hire a thousand extra border guards. And you thought the Democrats were the ones who always wanted extra spending! As usual, it's up to me to step in with the obvious solution. Why don't we sow a band of Nuclear Waste from the Rio Grande to San Diego? We could get it from Nevada's Yucca Mountains --- that's two Senate votes already! --- and have Shell Oil transport it (so maybe they spill a bit; it's just a bunch of desert full of slithery, crawly things). Once in place, it would require no maintenance or upkeep. Don't pester me with silly objections about the out-of-control wildfire/dangerous-to-breathe air side effects --- that's what we have Senate committees for (although if my plan works, we may not have to worry about them, either --- yet another plus!). Of course, we may have to say goodbye to a few cities; Albuquerque, El Paso, San Diego, Sacramento and portions of Calgary, but what's up there anyway? A bunch of flakes and commies. Just an idea --- Yr. welcome.

* * *

FROM MARK TWAIN: "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

Oct. 5,2013

2013-10-07T16:51:00.001-07:00

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

Out of My Mind

BUSTED AGAIN: O.J. Simpson has gotten a few demotion points --- he was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. See, he's gotten tired of searching for Nicole's real killer on America's major golf courses and is now conducting said search in various prison facilities, which makes a lot of sense. The real killer is obviously a criminal; what better place to look? So how did Mr. Simpson get caught? Did he leave a trail of cookie crumbs? Also, have you seen pictures of him? He's put on a lot of weight. Maybe even more since he stole the cookies. Perhaps his defense should be "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit" . . . When lawyers first got together, they were going to refer to divorce as "all the money". But more understated voices were heard and it was changed to "alimony" . . . Bob Dole was on TV a month or so ago. He was asked what he thought of the current Republican Party. He said a sign should be hung on the door saying "Closed for Repairs." Now it's time to hang a sign on Govt's door saying "Closed due to childlike behavior." Pretty soon we may need another sign saying "Sorry but we can't pay the bills we've run up." Always works for me when I'm late with the rent . . . An Indiana couple heard an animal prowling around their back yard and shot it. Turns out it was an African Leopard. State officials said the big cat was probably an escaped pet, since leopards are "not native to Indiana". I guess this statement should be filed under irony . . . Now we're in Iowa, where a woman was arrested for allegedly posting an ad on Craigslist offering $10,000 to anyone who would kill her father. "Usually this is something that takes place in a seedy bar," said police Capt. Bob Lynn. "Who uses Craigslist?" I would think his first investigative stop should be www.craigslist/Iowa women attempting to murder their fathers. No charge for the advice --- yr. welcome.

* * *

IN THE WIDE WORLD of entertainment, Jennifer Lopez has been taken to the woodshed by her mother, Guadalupe. She apparently gave a performance in Britain, wearing a skimpy dominatrix outfit. Guadalupe berated her 43 year-old daughter for acting like an "oversexed teenager." I say strut your stuff, JLo! I would invite her to perform for me but I suspect my invitation would not only be firmly rejected, but probably with a bunch of legal documentation attached. I couldn't act like an oversexed teenager when I WAS one, and the years have not been kind. In my defense, I'd just say "I may be chained to the porch but I can still bark at the cars." I've also been told that Ms. Lopez has been married and divorced 3 times and is about to enter #4, with a guy half her age. Whassup with that? I sense a slow learning curve here. Look, JLo and whoever, after a few weeks you've seen the merchandise. Ever given much thought to attracting spouses with your mind and your heart, as opposed to your looks and your money? Or, as Judge Judy has famously said: "Looks fade; dumb is forever." Guadalupe, a slightly different take on what's important in life may be in order when advising your daughter . . . The Mailbag: Reader and best friend Saunders alerts me to an abuse of the language. A couple of columns ago I used the phrase "which I won't bore you with." This is shoddy grammar, sez Saunders. To be unshoddy, I should have said "with which I won't bore you." Duly noted, sir. Saunders had other observations about the column, which I won't bore you with . . . And yet another reader, one Chris Buck, reports: "Your column goes great with coffee." Chris doesn't drink coffee.

* * *

HAD A HARD TIME trying to decide on what to rant about this time. The Government nonsense is too easy a target, plus just thinking about it makes my brain hurt. A conversation with my Pal Al jogged me. First, about this guy who walked into the D.C. armed services facility and blew away a dozen or so people --- with a shotgun! He had a special security clearance to enter the place. He also had a criminal record and documented psychological problems. On top of that, there's the surveillance video showing him looking into room after room for folks to shoot --- one at a time, because that's the only way a shotgun works. Even Wayne LaUnaware wouldn't have an argument in favor of the gunman. Why did a convicted felon with a history of psychological problems have a security clearance in the first place? Who was watching the security camera other than the camera aimed at the security camera? What Edward Snowden revealed was unsettling. I draw little reassurance in the knowledge that even though the government can spy on us, it does such a crappy job of it. As to Mr. LaPierre's remark that "The only thing that can stop a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun", try telling that to the folks in New Town. An underarmed security guard there would have only resulted in one more death . . . Then there's Silk Road, a website you needn't bother checking out because it's been closed. It was set up by a fellow named Ross Ulbricht, a pleasant-looking 29 year-old gentleman just trying to make a few bucks. You could get a rehearsal CD for Fleetwood Macs' Tusk album --- only $6.10! Well, that's not a lot of dough, so he expanded his horizons to include pot and psychedelics. Then he added prescription drugs, heroin, meth, opium, uppers, downers, whoopers, laughers --- you name it. He ran into problems with some clients so he advertised to get them killed. He got an offer for "$150,000 to $300,000, depending on whether you want it clean or unclean." Ross rejected this offer, saying he'd gotten a clean hit for $80,000. At this point even the FBI started to pay attention. They began by making 100 purchases of illicit drugs (one wasn't enough? And don't forget this is what the FBI, that wonderful paragon of transparency, is admitting to). Anyway after a million transactions and 2 1/2 years the FBI was able to bust --- a website!

* * *

FROM RICHARD BRANSON, an expert in such things: "It's easy to become a millionaire --- start out as a billionaire and buy an airline."

==============================

Because something is happening here

but you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. willschneider7648@gmail.com

2013-09-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

Onothimagain

A BRITISH WOMAN dislocated her jaw while attempting to eat a triple-decker cheeseburger. "If food is too large, we would recommend cutting it into more manageable chunks," said a spokesperson for the hospital that treated the woman. And you thought we didn't need National Health Care . . . Score one for transparency, the Obama administrations new favorite word. The government has officially admitted the existence of Area 51 in Nevada, developed in the late 40s as a secret area in Nevada that many conspiracy buffs thought was a research spot for UFOs and dead bodies from other galaxies. Turns out it was just a secret test site for cold war technology. What a bummer. Can't we go back to keeping secrets? . . . Riddle Me This: Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? A. Because it's fucking close to water . . . Schnide Schtrikes: I believe dogs are catholic, while cats are atheist. Why? The dog runs across the floor towards you, pulling out the carpet, knocking over the end table, stepping on the cat, and bounding into your lap to say hello, shredding the newspaper you're reading in the process. When you push him out of your lap in irritation, he gives you the big brown guilty eyes, as if to say "What'd I do? I know I did something wrong --- It's all my fault. Please hit me; I deserve it. Will I ever be forgiven? I swear I'll do anything --- PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!" Cats take a somewhat different approach. It doesn't make any difference how badly they want affection. They meander over to you nonchalantly and if you don't immediately beg them to sit in your lap, they look at you in with a somewhat different expression: "I took time out from my Board Meeting to come here and grace you with my presence, and you haven't showered me with gratitude and affection? How dare you? Go Piss Up A Rope . . . Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a Tea Party favorite, is in a bit of a conundrum. His dad was born in Cuba, married an American citizen, and then moved to Calgary, Canada, where Ted was born. This gives Sen. Cruz dual citizenship under U.S.-Canadian law. Does any of this sound a tad familiar? Some famous other guy has a similar problem --- I think his name is Obama Bin Ladin, or something like that. Uh, except this Obama was born in the United State of Hawaii, again of a U.S. citizen. How to get at the truth? Why, ask an expert of course, say, Donald Trump. A TV interviewer did just that. "Well, if that's true, then…" began the Trumpster. "It's a known fact", the interviewer rudely interrupted. "Then you'll have to ask him", came the reply, and the end of the interview. I guess things are a bit different when the foot is in the other mouth.

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GOT A BIT of reaction to last weeks' effort. Most of it was positive, but none of that counts because I'm so insecure. The main gist of the critiques was that I wasn't taking all of this government spying stuff seriously enough. The last few lines of the piece, in particular, were viewed by some as hopelessly naive. "You need to get out more," posited My Pal Al. Actually all of this reminds me of a sketch by a British comedy troupe, Monty Python's Flying Circus. They created a sketch entitled "How Not To Be Seen" in 1970. It was presented as an instructional video, like what we used to see in Junior High. After the title, an empty field appears. The narrator says: "Mr. Bumberstilt is cleverly hidden in this field. Sir, would you please stand up?" A gentleman stands up, a gunshot rings out, and that's The End of Mr. Bumberstilt. Next scene: another empty field, narrator sez "Mrs. Wigglebottom is also hiding. Ma'am, would you please stand up? One of the Pythons (they were all male) stands up, dressed in a really overdone version of drag. Gunshot rings out; bye-bye Mrs. Wigglebottom. Now we have a third field, except in the middle of the field is a bush. When the narrator asks the individual to stand up, nothing happens. The narrator asks again, to no avail. "Mr. Barrington-Harquartz has learned the first lesson in How Not To Be Seen. Unfortunately, he's picked a rather obvious hiding place." The bush explodes in flames, a shoe flies out, and there's a yelp. And here comes the fourth field, this time with three bushes. "Mr. Jones has presented us with a poser." First bush blows up, second bush blows up, third blows up with anticipated shoe and scream. Now the Pythons are ready to expand their efforts. "We were unable to find Mr. Tringle, but we DID find out where he lived (house explodes), where he worked (footage of building demolition), the city where he was born (WWII footage of city being bombed), and where he and his family were vacationing (peaceful woodsy scene, gentle river, and a campfire next to a tent. You only get one guess what happens to the tent). So here's the unschnide comment: If the Pythons could come up with completely uncalled for ways to spy on innocent folks (the sketch offers no reason to spy on people, and they were able to come up with this over 40 years ago), should it come as any surprise that government agencies with too much time on their hands be able to do the same? Spy on me all you want, Mr. Transparency --- just don't screw with my constitutional or legal rights, which you obviously are. My question is: Why do we need more proof? Isn't it more important to figure out what we should do about these goings on? Was there a concerted effort to deny minorities and the elderly and poor the right to vote last year? Sure seems that way to me. What happened? One 102-year-old woman waited 8 hours to vote and, as a result, she was invited to sit in Mrs. Obama'a private booth at the State of the Union speech. Black and Hispanic voter turnout was the highest in our history. Don't piss these folks off --- giving up isn't their style. And despite all of the media hoopla about it, these people DID something. Bless 'em, we should all have this strength of character. Me? I have a hard time standing in line five minutes to get into a movie.

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PINE GROVE CEMETERY in Lynn, Massachusetts, had a bit of a dilemma. The family of Sonny Santiago, 23, wanted to chisel a song lyric with a four-letter word chiseled on his epitaph. The official thought it over and decided not to allow it. "We've never had a problem like this before," said an official with the cemetery. You could say they made a monumental decision (alright, quit shoving. I was leaving anyway).

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She loves you, yeah yeah yeah;

She loves willschneider7648@gmail.com

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2012-02-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

Common In --- The Water is Fine

SOME ORGANIZATION IN Iran has given "The Simpsons" some kind of award to acknowledge their talent. The government responded by calling the show a bad influence on family morals. Did "The

Simpsons" ever pretend to be anything else? Welcome to the 21sth century, Iran . . . Fortunately I don't have to get too involved in Iranian foreign policy. That would be like chasing cats around a parking lot . . . Gov't study sez 75% of $1 bills carry germs. That's why I only use 50's & 100's . . . Three guys walk into a bar: a conservative, a moderate, and a liberal. Bartender looks up and says "Hi Mitt!" . . . Sarah Palin had a pretty good line about the national opinion polls. "Poles are good for cross-country skiers and strippers," said the momma grizzly. I like her so much more since she isn't being taken seriously as a candidate . . . Just asking: what do you think it would be like to have a job as a hooker in Bangkok? . . . Am having a set-to with my girlfriend. My experience is there's only two ways to fight with a woman, and neither one of them work . . . Cabbie picked up a fare t'other day. Passenger was going to the airport but said "I need to make a quick stop at my local bank first." "Sure!" said the delighted driver. An airport fare for them is equivalent to striking gold. Imagine the taxi driver's surprise when six blocks later his cab was surrounded by the police, guns drawn. The passenger has made a quick stop at his local bank alright . . . to rob it! Not only the poor fellow's cab was inpounded, he was also unable to collect the $40 fare.

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ATTENTION FANS OF Viagra! A team of Argentine scientists did a study saying it could be effective in treating jet lag, at least in hamsters. I wasn't aware hamsters suffered from jet lag . . . Amateurism: a german couple had to call the fire department after accidentally chaining themselves up during their first ever bondage session. "We wanted to try something different" said Jochen Ranstett, 56. Fifty six! Maybe there is still hope for me . . . A student at UC raised his hand during a particularly dull econ lecture and asked the prof. if he could go get a drink. Permission granted. Student then tripped merrily down to the nearest bar and got thoroughly hammered. Bet he enjoyed the rest of the lecture . . . A really bad day for a burglar recently. First he visited an antique store and drilled a hole thru the door. He was sure he could open it but failed. So he moved to the bar around the corner. Again, no luck. Unscathed, he moved on to a corner grocery store. This time he tried to pry open the metal bars of the store's entrance. No luck. So he moved on to the reliable old Post Office. Got inside, but was unable to break open the safe. By now the burglar was a nervous wreck, and I imagine he's looking into a different line of work . . . Infamous last words: "You can make it easily. That train isn't coming very fast" . . . It's becoming increasingly clear that in this country politics is a game with two sides and a fence. With elections coming up, we should expect the candidates to announce their views, from their hedgequarters (Me? I'm a proud member of the Straddler Party).

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A former Canadian First Lady said: "Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman."