SCHOLARSHIPGROVE

Getting Mad About the Morehouse loss?

2011-11-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

HEY. YOU SHOULDN'T BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF TEAMS WHO COMMIT THEMSELVES TO EXHIBITION GAMES AGAINST NEAR NBA TALENT.

I NEED THESE STATS. NOT YOU.

I'll be the first to rip on Kentucky. Personally, I think that program run by Calipari is a sham entirely. There are NCAA violations floating around that program, and although I have no proof of that THERE TOTALLY IS GUYS. If not for the fact that Calipari hasn't had a single clean program EVER since being a coach in college. I truly believe that there is something being shoved under the rug in Kentucky. You cannot possibly be able to get two of the top 5 point guards in the nation in the same year unless you are paying them. Eric Bledsoe would have started in 95% of other schools in the nation, and yet he chose Kentucky to back up John Wall. THAT'S FISHIER THAN A CAN OF FANCY FEAST.

Anyways, I digress.

Kentucky beat Morehouse on Monday this week 125-40. It was an absolute rape. Check that. It was super rape. Like rape from the movie Seven. Considering my background, you'd think I would jump all on this and just YELL LOUD THINGS at Kentucky. Nay, I shall pat them on the back.

Why? Well, this game was an exhibition game. As a team coming into Lexington for an exhibition game, you know that you are gonna get a steady diet of starters. It's an exhibition game, and in exhibition games, the good teams are trying to work out their shit with their starters in a game situation. You run everything in your offense. You run all of your defense (or lack there of if you're talking about Kentucky). You're trying to set your team up for the season and prepare them for real games, which is why you go 100%. You don't practice at 50%. Why would you exhibit in 50%. PUSH THAT PEDAL TO THE METAL LIKE RYAN GOSLING IN DRIVE.

If you disagree, you are wrong. Don't bitch about it if you are on the other team, or the other coach. Bring your own A game. You'll still lose, but it wont be by 85. It's no ones fault but the Morehouse team and their coach. Calipari was doing his job. Do your own Morehouse. And Rembert Browne, No one cares if you didn't like the game. It's dog eat dog in the NCAA and Kentucky is a Wildcat and that, like, always eats dogs. LIKE, ALWAYS.

Wilt Stilts doesn't care for poor people and the 99%. Check him out at his website www.BEBETTERATLIFE.com/orelse or at twitter @kberthusen

Fuck This Shit: FJM of GL Doing NCAA BB

2011-10-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: This is the first of a five-part college basketball series that will run this week. We will be bringing you five writers arguing why their team will win the national championship, and me hating them. Check back for Duke, Ohio State, Syracuse, and Kentucky.

On January 16 of this year, the North Carolina Tar Heels were 12-5, having just beaten Virginia Tech in a close game in Chapel Hill. The grumbling old men of Franklin Street were grumbling about what they had been grumbling about for the past two years: Larry Drew II, the team's starting point guard, was playing horribly.

MAYBE IF YOU GOT THE FIRST MODEL OF LARRY DREW, THE LARRY DREW I, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SUCH A GRUMBLING EPIDEMIC.

Kendall Marshall, Drew's freshman backup, had played spectacularly. In 24 minutes, Marshall put up the following line: 3-4 from the field, 2 rebounds, 9 points, 9 assists, and zero turnovers. But statistics, even advanced ones, don't really tell us much about point guard play in college.

Other than the fact that those statistics right there tell us that he played spectacularly well for only 24 minutes of play. No, statistics don't tell us anything ever. ONLY THE FEEL OF THE GAME. DOES HE POSSES THE ABILITY TO DIRECT PLAYS WITH HIS HANDS?

You can shoot badly from the floor, turn the ball over, and have teammates botch assists, but as long as you're pushing tempo and finding streaking and cutting teammates, you're doing your job.

Well, he's not doing his job very well. If this was the case, I could be a point guard at North Carolina. This guy is retarded. MAKES MY JOB EASY.

Marshall set a torrid pace, but he did it in a strange, almost counterintuitive way. Carolina fans were still dizzied from the memories of Raymond Felton and Ty Lawson — two of the fastest players to ever set foot in Chapel Hill.

EVERYONE IN CHAPEL HILL NORTH CAROLINA WAS SUFFERING FROM VERTIGO. EVERYONE I SAY.

Marshall, who runs with his back as straight as a ramrod and keeps his head up at all times (ie, person with scoliosis), was much, much slower than those two. He was slower than Larry Drew II. But through long lead passes, clever dribbling, and the unteachable ability to see three beats ahead, Marshall set the Heels humming at their optimal pace.

Optimal Pace sounds like a terrible driving movie. Like the life story of Jeff Gordon. His pit manager would always say "Man that Jeff. He ALWAYS paced himself optimally. You could say he drove at optimal pace." *movie ends*

Three days later the wheels finally came off what had already been a disappointing Tar Heels season. North Carolina lost by 20 to a Georgia Tech team that would finish the year with a 5-11 conference record.

*Meanwhile at the Stilts residency* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROY IS A TOTAL DUMBCUNT HAHAHAHAHA

Drew did not score in that game. He was benched. Three weeks later he left the team in disgrace. Amid great fanfare from both the message boards and the old grumbling men, the Kendall Marshall era began.

There was so much fanfare they had themselves a fan fair where they had games and clowns all tailored to the shitiness of Larry Drew II. There was a "SHOOT LIKE DREW" game where the basketball hoop was too small for the ball to go in. There was a dunking station with Drew sitting on the plank as people threw balls at the target and dunked him in tar. They even sold "Drew's Ice cold shooting hand ice cream."

May it live long and prosper.

STAR TREK REF. CATERING TO THOSE HOMO NERDS. HOW YOU LIKE THAT. I JUST MIXED YOUR NERDY BULLSHIT WITH MY MANLY SPORTS. I'M SO BRILLIANT.

Note: I'm skipping ahead because this guy takes like 4 paragraphs explaining why the point guard position is so important. Well duh. Of course it fucking is. Kemba Walker single handedly won the National Championship game because he was the point guard. Jesus, this guy thinks the people reading are retarded. Anyways.

When this system is firing on all cylinders, the Heels are unbeatable. Duke, Michigan State, Kentucky, and the rest of the NCAA can recruit whomever they want, but a well-run Carolina team dictates the game's pace to such a degree that the other team might as well not be playing.

It's a well run Roy Williams team, not Carolina. I specifically remember plenty of Roy Williams teams that were well run, and didn't win the championship. How bout the '08 year when the Tar Heels had the exact same roster as the year after when they won the championship. Same point guard. Did they win it? No. they didn't. I remember Roy Williams with a team of Kirk Hinrich, Keith Langford, Nick Collison and Wayne Simien who didn't win a championship. I remember a team that had Raef LaFrentz, Paul Pierce, Jacques Vaughn that didn't win a championship. I doesn't matter how well run that team is. He can lose easily with that style of play if he runs into the right type of team. Roy Williams is shit.

And this year's squad might be more talented than either of the past two championship teams. It boasts eight McDonald's All-Americans, five players who should eventually be first-round picks (Barnes, McAdoo, Marshall, Zeller, and John Henson), and depth at nearly every position.

I'll point out here that all the Championship Roy teams had a big man at center. I mean BIG. They had Ed Davis who was a mix between a rhinoceros and a blue whale in '09. In '05 they had the fat piece of shit Sean May. This year, their two forwards are Tyler Zeller (pussayyy) and John Henson (gayyyy) and they both are built like faggots (the bundle of sticks version). They get thrown around in the paint and decimate their defense when they face a decently sized PF and if they play the likes of Thomas Robinson or Jared Sullinger, watch the fuck out.

If John Henson, one of the most bizarre athletes to step on a basketball court (I can't tell if he's going to be Lamar Odom or Nick Fazekas), gets hurt, McAdoo can step in and take his minutes.

Again, McAdoo is 6' 8" and 220 pounds. They have zero girth down low. Not unlike an Asian man. *badump ching*

Strickland will be pushed by Bullock, and, hopefully, McDonald. There is a surplus of talent in Chapel Hill. Almost all of it — save Marshall — is interchangeable.

And Marshall can be stopped if you have a point guard who is athletic enough to pick him up at the timeline. BECAUSE HE HAS SCOLIOSIS.

As such, the same fragility that plagues the Roy Williams system could be what ultimately derails these Tar Heels. Kendall Marshall's backup this year is a little-known, barely recruited freshman named Stilman White, who plans to stay one year in Chapel Hill before departing on his two-year Mormon mission.

A MORMON? HA. The only thing he could possibly do is tell the opposing point guard the greatness of JOSEPH SMITH. All the other team would have to do is sing songs from "The Book of Mormon" when he is on the court. KU FANS AREN'T AFRAID TO SING SHOW TUNES.

So, my Carolina brethren, please join me in the following prayer for Kendall Marshall. Please, please, please let him be healthy. If he plays 35 games, the Heels will be cutting down the nets in March.

PRESUMPTUOUS.

If he plays 15, expect two losses to Duke, a quick out in the ACC tournament, and nothing past the second round of the NCAA.

Yeah probably. You have a MORMON.

There is very little middle ground here. But isn't that why we love Ol' Roy?

NOPE. That's why you should hate Roy and his system. It sucks.

Wilt Stilts has a hatred for this team as he does many teams. Please visit his website www.hateallthings.com/roywilliams or on twitter @kberthusen

Still the Red Sox?

2011-10-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, are you still talking about the Red Sox?

Dude, seriously bro. Give it up.

It's real time on the Grove today. It's 'bout to get all FUCK YOU IN THIS BITCH. Alright. Now that this is prefaced, I shall begin.

You cannot possibly be still talking about the Red Sox collapse. It's been two fucking weeks. I think you could get over the death of a loved one faster than this shit. It's a goddamn baseball team that has been in the playoffs almost every year and been successful every fucking year. You cannot POSSIBLY have a fucking complaint over one failed season.

"OH, BUT HE SKY IS FALLING. IS THE GREEN MOSTER IN LEFT OR RIGHT FIELD? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE? HOW WILL WE EVER BE ABLE TO REPLACE OUR GM WITH ALL THIS PAYROLL? WE ARE SO FUCKED!"

Shut your goddamned mouth. It's fine to weep for your team for a day or two after a collapse like that. It was embarrassing, and amazing. Embarazing. It's fine to be pissed about a team. I've gone through it myself (See: KU vs Northern Iowa and VCU [Double Brakets - I go to KU]). I wallow for one night not getting sleep and the next day I'm frustrated, but when I finish a good night of hard alcohol I'm fine.

It's been two weeks since the Red Sox fell apart. TWO FUCKING WEEKS, and they still have these cry baby stories on the front page of Grantland. Today, Simmons just wrote a post about how HE CAN NOW FINALLY HANDLE THE THOUGHT OF NOT WATCHING THE RED SOX LOSE IN THE ALDS. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. It's so whiny to write anything about a team that loses miserably. It's not fun to read, and if there is only a sliver of enjoyment in reading these articles, it's within the first 48 hours of the actual event. NOT TWO FUCKING WEEKS LATER.

Get the fuck over yourselves Red Sox fans. It's embarrassing enough to know you can't spell 'socks' right. You know there isn't an 'x' in socks? But, to write about your GOD AWFUL MISERY. Oh how God hates everyone from that one region of the map. No, actually, fuck that. Most Red Sox fans aren't even from Boston. They are assholes who just want to watch the good team play. It used to be that those cunt squares would only cheer for the Yankees. You knew what type of person they were. They just wanted to win because they are soulless assholes who also enjoy the Lakers and Cowboys. That's fine, because those people are assholes. They know it. We know it. It's a perfect symmetry of hate.

Red Sox fans aren't like that. They're worse. They constantly go through their day thinking "I'm a good fan of baseball because I cheer for the Red Sox and not like a douche who cheers for the Yankees." I've got news for you masshole. You are that Yankee asshole and more. You don't even have the self awareness to know that you are an asshole from Ft. Worth who cheers for a team hundreds of miles away BECAUSE AND ONLY BECAUSE THEY WIN EVERY YEAR. You are the bigest sell out ever. The one that doesn't even have the self awareness to know that YOU ARE SELLING OUT YOUR FANSHIP FOR WINS.

You sir, are an asshole. Complain about your woes all you want. Cry about how it's so sad that your team has lost and did not made the playoffs this year. It will be great when your new GM tanks your team as the Royals take first place, laughing at your mismanagement. THE IRONY OF SUCH A SITUATION WOULD MAKE A HIPSTER EXPLODE.

Eat shit and die Red Sox fans. You know what? You're right. After that collapse, you have nothing to live for. Just fucking die.

Wilt Stilts still has unresolved anger from this one chick at the bar last night who shot him down. Visit his website at www.ICANYELLATANYTHING.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

Why the NFL Needs Tim Tebow

2011-10-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

Does the country's most popular sport have a moral dilema?

Opposites

America is in a terrible place right now. Religion is nothing of what it used to be. The schools have been brainwashing our children with all this basic biology and liberal philosophy, and I don't know where our country is right now. This country was founded by CHRISTIANS. The ones that landed on Plymouth Rock where true to the soul Christians who believed in a nation where any brand of Christianity was free to be taught. Now we have these liberals coming in and twisting our forefather's words, saying that freedom of religion was intended for all religions. Who are they do decide that? MUSLIMS DIDN'T EVEN EXHIST IN 1894 WHEN THE CONSTITUTION WAS SIGNED.

It's time to get back to the old way, the way our forefathers of the constitution wanted it. THERE WEREN'T NO DARWIN. THERE WEREN'T NO FREE BLACKS. It's time to make a grass roots movement. Well, not grass ROOTS because 'roots' is too ethnic. More like grass blade movement. The way to begin our grass blade movement, is to change the most popular and most watched thing on television: the NFL.

That's why we need our lord and savior's football son, Tim Tebow, in the NFL spot light. He believes in all that is good. He's against sexual proclivity, which means he'll never do some scandalous or gay approving thing like Mark Sanchez. Tebow is a good christian would would never give the gays a chance to jackoff to him splashing in a tub. HE IS ALWAYS ADORNED WITH A COLLARD SHIRT.

Tebow would never let his hair grow to Satanistic lengths. THE ONLY MAN THAT COULD PULL OFF SUCH A STYLE CHOICE WAS JESUS AND HE WAS KILLED FOR THAT STYLE CHOICE. I'm talking to you Clay Mathews. It's players like Clay and Chris Johnson who make this sport a disgrace. Where is your honor to your savior. He was just killed for you sins. You can't even pay respect to him by keeping your hair shaved with a number 6 razor? Disgusting.

Tebow preaches passion. He's a man who never uses hyperbole. NEVER I SAY. The man is like Mr. Luther King Jr, except better, because he's not a degenerate. Us god-fearing souls want our football players to be white and literate. It's just the Christian way. With Tebow starting for the Broncos, we'll surely see the disgracefully liberal town of Denver change in a matter of days into the town we all hoped America would be. We'll have milk men bringing us our milk. Every Sunday will consist of early morning praying and then 6 a.m. church session, and then another session at 8. Then we will continue our communion at the pastor's house to watch the lord's son, Tim Tebow, decimate the sinfull Raiders. All will be well. All will be good. God is good. He is good. Tim Tebow is God. AMEN.

Wilt Stilts is a pastor at heart with almost 10 years of theoretical experience in the arts of Jesus. Please visit his website, www.JesusdiedforourTims.gov/secretlygay or on twitter @kberthusen.

What Should T.I's Post-Prison Game Plan Be?

2011-10-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

You Jelly?

Some people take a prison stint to heart, by leading a better life once outside. They become religious or read a bunch of scriptures and philosophy to find a better path to live life. The rapper T.I. didn't do this. He got out of jail a few years ago from a gun charge, just to be caught a few months later with ecstasy in his possession. He's proven that he just doesn't give a shit. Which is perfect. As a resident public relation professional here at Scholarship Grove, I will be giving him apt advise on what his next moves should be, now that he is out of the klink.

First, T.I. needs to embrace his charges. He's got two felonies under his belt, making him over qualified as a rapper. Most rappers who rep the drug trade have just little misdemeanors here and there. He's got a gun charge and a drug charge. As rappers used to say in 2006, that's "Money in the Bank." Now, how do you expand on this new found street cred. Simple, you start selling coke. Every song you should do now must be ambiguously slanted towards the drug coke and the soda Coke. SELL THAT DIABETES AND REHAB BABY.

Executives of a Fortune 500 company like Coke are inherently white, and therefore don't get rap. They won't see the underlying cocaine references, just the soda ones. When their marketing department brings you in, they will have no clue what is going on, and will just accept whatever the head of marketing tells them. There's your in.

Now, once you've entered the company, you need to set up a dumby corporation. It should be a new brand of soda called "Nigga Wit An Attitude." Again, white people won't say no because it's racist to stand up to a colored person. So you're fine.

All the while, you need to put out an album. Talk about how sorry you are about doing drugs and that dumb PR bullshit. We know you are smoking weed all day. It's cool. I won't tell. Just no hard narcotics ... yet.

When your album goes 90 times platinum, because of the Coke money, dump all that money into the "Nigga Wit An Attitude" company. Then, you need to begin opening off shore bank accounts. No need to hide them. It's a prefect distraction for what you really want to do, which is become the greatest drug dealer alive.

Now, with the IRS looking at the off seas accounts, it is now time to start cooking the books. Not unlike cooking crack in your project apartments, this is very illegal, but, if done correctly, can pay off well. Soon, you should have millions of dollars in an undisclosed safe in Mexico. This is when you move to Mexico and become a national.

Once you have achieved becoming a citizen of Mexico, go to that safe and pull out all the money. You are now running for president of Mexico, which is like basically president of drugs. You'll win. You can pay off everyone since the peso is so shitty. Tell the drug lords of Mexico that they are in good hands, as long as the throw in a few dollars to the election. Once in office, crack down on drugs. Heh. Crack. IRONY.

Then take their business and open a large tunnel from Mexico City straight to Tulsa. No one would expect a tunnel to Tulsa. You'd be dodging all the Feds this way. Step 2. Profit.

And then you'll be arrested at some point at which you will be back home in the good old U.S. OF MOTHER FUCKING A. And that's how you get back to home, which is jail for you considering you like it so much there. You did want advise on how to stay in jail longer right?

Wilt Stilts has mulitple degrees, none of which are anywhere close to public relations. Visit his website at www.rubberbandman.tv/wildasthetaliban or twitter @kberthusen

Former Alive Person Claims Sean Combs Had Tupac Killed

2011-10-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yo dawg. You use my death for FUCKIN' ADVERTISING?

We have a special guest today in the Grove. It's Sean Taylor, former Washington Redskin and Miami Hurricane player. He was killed 4 years ago in a "random" shooting in a night club in Miami. Today he transcended the afterworld back to this one and met me at my house. He told me he had to scoop on Tupac's death. Turns out, Taylor has been working as a detective in the afterworld and is the most famous detective in the afterworld. Sherlock Holmes-esque. This is a transcript of the story he documented at my house, as he could not type, as he is a ghost.

Yo, so get this. I've been doin' my reaserch into finding out which on of deez niggas capped me that night in 2007. I had been doing background work here, looking into peoples closets 'n shit you know. Cuz I'm a ghost 'n shit, I can do anything. It's been leading me down a dead end. Like, dawg, I couldn't even find the bullet afterwards. It's like, some Kennedy assassination bullshit. I had one lead, dis nigga named K-top which is short for Karat Top, as in diamond carats. Nigga think he tight 'n shit, but he ain't got no ice. He just got that gold flaked chain. Pussy ass nigga.

Anyways, I was checkin' out his record collection 'n shit. Don't know why dis nigga got records 'n shit, but they was pretty fly I gots to admit. So, I pull out Tupac's "Me Against the World" because dis album is dope and I wanted to hear it. Ain't no hip hop in the after life. The only musical instrument is a banjo. Anyways, I get the record and open it up only to find dis note. All it said was "Hey K-top. It's me, Diddy. I think I might change my name to that shit later in the next decade. Anyways, can you kill Tupac. Pretty please. WITH CHERRIES ON TOP? Of course you can. You my dog. Peace. Love. Crabs. -Sean Combs."

This when I knew there was something fishy going on. It was so fishy you might of thought it was a dirty ass hoes vagina after a month long untreated yeast infection. IT STANK OF FISH. So, I put a call into my nigga from LA in the afterworld which is actually the opposite of LA in the real world. It snows every day except like a couple time a year. So, dis nigga tell me that he knows Tupac. I'm like "AW SHIT YEAH. I'M ON THIS LIKE A LOFTED BALL FROM PHILIP RIVERS."

I head back to the afterworld and catch a train to afterworld LA. The only travel in the afterworld is by steam powered trains. I get there a few days later and talk to Tupac. I showed him the note. All he said was "These are some Better Dayz." Then he ran off. I don't know where he went. A few days later, I find out that he has been getting back at Combs all along. He tricked him into signing Kesha. Shit backfired as fuck tho. So, my deductive reasoning assumes that right now, he's haunting the shit out of Diddy.

–

And there you have it. Word straight form the mouth of Sean Taylor. Diddy killed Tupac. Now we can get on with our lives.

Wilt Stilts doesn't do research, the research comes to him, in the form of GHOSTS. Because it's October and that's when ghost are most active. Reach him at his website www.alldeezeghostsishaunting.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

On Brady's Hair

2011-10-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

The Patriots QB pulls a reverse Samson, whatever that means.

MY MOUTH DON'T CLOSE GOOD. HURR DURR

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD'S GREEN AND BLUE AND EVERY COLOR OF THE SPECTRUM EARTH. BRADY CUT HIS HAIR. The world is crumbling everyone. Double dip recession is nearing its zenith. Greece is bankrupt. Chris Johnson IS STILL TERRIBLE. It shouldn't get worse. It can't get worse, but it does.

Tom Brady, all that is good and beautiful in this world, has CHANGED HIS HAIR STYLE. He was the guy, that bald men looked to when thinking about their deserted scalp. They thought, "See, He is living the dreams of all bald men everywhere. Hair at obnoxious levels flowing out of a sweaty helmet, and just not giving a fuck, because it's HIS HAIR." He was the memories of what once was for all baldies.

Now he's a disgrace. THE HAIR IS THE TITS OF THE MAN. IT IS EVERYTHING. IT'S LIKE GETTING BOOB REDUCTION SURGERY, AND BY ALL MEANS THAT IS BULLSHIT AND SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. How are we to live another day when Brady's hair is at finger length? FINGER LENGTH I SAY. The words almost disgust me. They do disgust me.

*pukes on couch*

You see, it's days like these when you try to find a character in the ethos that will give you a shining light. One that will shine a beacon of hope upon all. One who will sell you Ugg boots, the idea of growing dreadlocks and taking Brady first overall in your fantasy team. NOW YOU HAVE RUINED US.

Now we have a whole new set of worries that plague our days. How will Brady perform with short hair? Will Gisele like the new hair cut? Did he donate the hair to cancer patients? HOW CAN HIS HELMET FIT NOW?

So many question, and none answered. If only there was some guiding light in the form of a 1970's blackslpoitation film afro that could CURE MY WOES. But sadly, no. We must now venture on in a world where the hair lengths are as short as our attention span. Live a life with follicles that are quaint, and underwhelming like Torrey Smith. Struggle in this cruel world of ours with scalp trees that are shorter than our women's skirts.

Today a good man died. Tom Brady's hair. RIP

Wilt Stilts never exaggerates or overreacts to stories about the changing world. Visit his website www.thisisreallyterriblefortheworld.eu/justanIphone4Gs? or one twitter @kberthusen.

Spoelstra in the Philippines.

2011-09-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Spending a few days abroad with the coach of the Miami Heat

PEW PEW

Somewhere north of the U.S. embassy in Manila the white charter bus carrying Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra made a wrong turn. This turn lead them down a gravel road straight into the dense jungle of the South Eastern part of the Philippines. Spoelstra sat in the back of the bus, upon request by Heat GM Pat Reilly. This is where he stayed, sitting patiently. You could tell he noticed the change in scenery around the bus. His worried eyes stared straight out the side of the bus, watching as the vehicle went deeper and deeper into the tropical forest.

The driver kept trekking ahead, almost as if he was trying to be the real life version of the Simpsons bus driver. He had long curly hair, and was smoking some sort of drug based cigarette. Being that this was prime heroin country, It's safe to assume that that was likely the drug of choice for Otto. A pan around the bus would leave an Islander to believe only one thing. Tourists. The white man crawling all along our coasts, eating our fish and pleasuring our women. These were the opposite of the nationals. They were Expos. And exposed they were.

A kid at the front of the bus, the ball boy in fact, was the first to question the situation. He walked to the front of the bus, leaned down to ask the driver where they were, but mid sentence, a loud noise popped from the surrounding foliage. The boy laid on the ground, blood streaming from his barely intact skull. It was a sniper.

The first to action was Udonis Haslem running to the scene, but before getting there, he ripped his ACL, falling face first into the pool of blood. He vomited. The bus erupted in screams. Mike Bibby ran for a window, only to find the exit blocked by Philippine nationals. Lebron James, in the moment, kneeled down behind a seat in the fetal position and began crying. "I WANT MY MOMMY. I DON'T CARE IF YOU FUCKED DELONTE." The rest of the bus was panicking, except for Spoelstra. He sat in the back, a glazed face staring straight ahead at the front of the bus. The bus was hijacked.

–

Erik Spoelstra was a good basketball player. In his years in high school, he showed the promise that one day he could emerge into a possible scholarship athlete at a division II college. He had all the spunk of a young basketballer raised on the streets. A great jump shot. Poor left hand and the ability to make layups 60% of the time. The problem with growing up on the streets with basketball is that it puts you in a bad crowd. His best friend at the time, Spanks Mendenhall was a drug dealer and a bookie, and used his skills in sports betting to make a living off Spoelstra. Unfortunately, that also ment that Spoelstra would ride the accomplishments of Mendenhall into a life as a drug dealer. He spent two years as a prodigy among the drug community. Some would call him "the coldest mother fucker I've ever seen." He became what is known in the drug community as the "muscle" or the hit man.

Mendenhall and Spoelstra were a killer drug combination. Spanks was a master salesman, while Spoelstra would do the cleaning up. Their territory grew, and with it, their enemies. In the winter of '99 they had a raid on their stash of cocaine by a rival gang. Spoelstra, being the muscle, made a counter attack. He killed 9 men, and retrieved every ounce stolen. In the drug trade, this is a smashing success, but for Spoelstra it was a nightmare. The next night, three gang members entered Mendenhall's apartment and murdered him. He had 32 stab wounds when the police found the body. Spoelstra, wrought with grief, made a counter attack. On the night of January 21st, 1999, Spoelstra entered a house, and three hours later, left, leaving behind 19 bodies. That same night, Spoelstra left Oshkosh, Wisconsin, never to come back.

–

The bus rumbled as the nationals entered it. Carrying AK-47s, they held the team up at gun point, yelling orders in Philipino. Spoelstra still sat there. The team was forced out. Spoestra still sat there, with a dead look on his face. He was the only one still on the bus. One of the guards came back to grab Spoelstra. One wasn't enough. Spoelstra quickly jutted a ball point pen into the temple of the guard, redering him unconscious. Quickly, Spoelstra grabbed the Russian made gun and set it on his shoulders. What happened next would make Rambo jealous with envy.

Two shots rang from the bus. Three nationals went down. The Philippines rushed towards the bus with their arms drawn. Five more shots. A couple guards ran back to the forest screaming "DIABLO." Then an explosion at the front of the bus. 18 men were on the ground either dying of dead. From the fiery wreckage of the once bus came Spoelstra, now with two AK-47s. He screamed "THIS IS FOR YOU SPANKS!" as he ran straight for the head of the Philippine nationals. He fired six rounds, killing 9 before reaching the leader. He took the butt of one of the AK-47s and smashed it into the Philippine leader, cracking his skull louder than a Lebron James open court dunk, and sending the leader into a small fit of convulsions before spewing blood and finally laying there restless. No breath came from a Philippine. The only audible breaths heard were the ones emanating from Spoelstra's lungs. Spoelstra dropped the guns and turned back towards to road from whence they came, and walked away. He didn't turn back. He didn't bat an eye lash. Just one small tear crept down his left cheek.

It leaves you thinking, where was this during the 2011 playoffs?

Wilts Stilts is a keen observer and a highly qualified journalist on assignment in the Philippines. For more, visit his website www.thatshittotallhappened.com/wtf or on twitter @kberthusen.

Cry For Me World: Fantasy Football Fantasies

2011-09-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Watching your fantasy dreams get torn to pieces, and then writing about it even when no one cares.

Here we see his knee rupture, and then fumble. -.2 points for the day.

Do you not give a shit about other people's fantasy teams the way I do? Well you're in luck because I'm going to tell you all about the DEVASTATING consequences to KENNY BRITT'S FRAGILE LIGAMENTS.

If you own Jamaal Charles, then you know the devastating effects of a player going down with injury. It's horrible. The repurcussions of such an injury define your season. Now you have the burden of hawking the waiver wire, which is way worse than running full sprint into barbed wire. Oh, hey, let's pick up, uh Michael Bush? Is James Starks available? NO? WHO WOULD TAKE JAMES STARKS. LIKE SERIOUSLY. HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD. Losing Jamaal Charles sucks, and even worse since he was likely your first pick. BUT KENNY FUCKING BRITT.

My fantasy savy recognized the talent that was bubbling in the loins of Kenny Britt this year. He got a new quarterback who had the competency to recognize Britt's grandiose receiving abilities. Chris Johnson was coming off a long holdout, rendering him apparently incapable of getting a fucking yard. Kenny Britt was fantasy draft gold. I snatched up that gold in both my leagues like a conservative talk show host grabbing up gold commodities on the currency market. I WAS FUCKING SET. I went 2-0 in both leagues anchored by the most badass receiver ever. KENNY BRITT. Oh how I loved yelling that name at the Red Zone channel.

Then Sunday. A screen pass. A FUCKING SCREEN PASS I TELL YOU. Catches it in the flat, turns to avoid Champ Bailey and he makes a spin move of epic proportions. Then all of a sudden he is a heap on the field. In agony I watch as the ball he just fumbled is recovered by the Broncos. NEGATIVE POINTS? Why? WHY? POUR QUE? He's so fucked that a cart needs to carry him to the locker room? Oh fuck oh fuck. He's fucked. He's fucked right? I saw Jamaal do the same thing last week. Maybe it's just precautionary. PRAY TO LORD IT'S PRECAUTIONARY.

Nay. Both his ACL and MCL are decimated, and with it, the receiving corps of JamesHarrisonWisdom and FitzpaTrickAssCracka. OH THE HUMANITY. JUST TAPE IT UP KENNY. IT WILL BE FINE. JUST GET THAT BLACK TAPE THAT DUALS AS A BRACE. SOMETHING CAN BE DONE. SOMETHING *shakes uncontrollably*

These are the nightmares of the clinically insane. Where did I put that salad spinner? I was gonna make toast with it. What kind of poison is in this apple juice? This here hot wheel car will be great if I can just get my right toe in it. I'm sure I'll be able to fit in it and DRIVE IT AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY TOWN. Maybe I'll start Lance Moore this week.

SEE. It looks crazy. I'm crazy. I NEED SOME RITALIN. I NEED TO BE DISSECTING SABERMETRICS RIGHT NOW. IS ERIC DECKER AVAILABLE? DO YOU THINK STEVE BREASTON IS ANY GOOD, I MEAN, I THINK HE SUCKS, BUT MAYBE....MAYBE. DOES PEYTON MANNING HAVE ANY TRADE VALUE AT ALL? PLEASE GOD, LET THERE BE SOME TRADE OPTIONS. I'M DYING HERE.

Has the world lost all it's meaning? I have no will to live. I mean, if Kenny Britt's knees don't even want to live, why should I live? Just think about it in the grand scheme of things. What is the point of life? Is it to just sit here and watch our family and friends wither away like the components of Kenny Britt's knees. Is it to to get laid? I don't know anything right now. Up is down. Potato Salad is spinach. HOW DO I TURN ON THE TV? WHAT IS BLUE? CAM NEWTON IS GOOD? I ... uh ... words ... but ... can I ... tumbleweeds ...

*injests whole bottle of Ritalin*

GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD AND YOUR DEVASTATING FANTASY FOOTBALL WOES

*dies*

Wilt Stilts memorial will be held at www.givingtoomuchofashitaboutthings.com/suicide or reach him at twitter @kberthusen.

Closing of Summer Mailbag: Opening of Fall Scholarshipgrove posts

2011-09-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

I figured it's time to write some more shit. So, here's Bill Simmons.

The "R" on the elevator stands for Robby, or in English Lobby.

Q: The Grantland staff's buying/selling gimmick (described in your Week 2 column) reminded me of something I've started to do recently: using the concept of WAR (wins above replacement) in all aspects of my life. For instance, when my girlfriend asked how a softball game went and I told her "high WAR" to sum up a great night at the plate with solid defense. But what I've found is even better is using WAR to describe the people around me, e.g., My buddy Alex's old girlfriend was uncool and replacement level or 1.0 WAR at best, but his current girlfriend is a 7.5, that's MVP level and he should hang on to this one. Thoughts?
— Zeph, Corona Del Mar

My thoughts? You didn't ask a fucking question, just spewed some bullshit "LOOK AT ME TAKE SPORTS STATS INTO REAL LIFE." Congrats. I always use stats in life. Like Jackoffs per day or ability to fart unrecognized divided by shits per day. These are the real stats. Implement them in your daily life and you will succeed at everything I succeed at, which is nothing.

Q: If you're going to use Matthew Stafford If He Stays Healthy's full name in your columns, could you please use my full name whenever you mention me too? It's Former Harvard Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Thanks!
— Former Harvard Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo, NY

Yes. Right after you call me by my full name. Kyle "Wilt Stilts" with a big ass cock that isn't really that big, but in theory it is next to an ant's cock Berthusen. Do it word for word, and that will be an acceptable option. For now, you are just Fitzpatrickasscracka to me.

Q: I just graduated from prep school and I want to share with you the best idea I've ever had. What about a fantasy league based on college placement? You play in the fall and draft teams of seniors at your school and then earn points based on the school they end up going to. We used the US News report ranking of the school subtracted from 100. It's deliciously evil because it involves cold calculation of the potential of your peers.
— Milo, Princeton, N.J.

Oh you're from Princeton, your name is Milo, and you went to prep school. If you had a recipe for douchebag, that would be the flour, eggs, and milk right there. I'm going to guess you are a Finance major with a emphasis on FEHnance as that is how a douche says such a word. And no, betting on people on whether they are going to a top 100 USA today school is not "the best idea" you've ever had. It's the single most douchey things a person could come up with, considering that the rankings on USA today are only based on total academic standards. There are hundreds of other reasons to go to a school, academics just being one. Consider you are a really good Journalism student and you want to go to Syracuse for sports journalism. Best school in the nation for such a degree, but not ranked any where close to top 25 in 100 USA today poll. So, go fuck yourself with a large melon, preferably cantaloupe with the skin peeled off, coincidentally looking like an orangeman.

Q: If you were to ask 1000 people to list their top 3 favorite Tom Hanks performances and then discount any list that begins with Forrest Gump, would any two be the same? Tom Hanks is incredible. My three (and this took hours): Big, A League of Their Own, Catch Me If You Can.
— Ian Victorine, Gloucester

For me, took me 3 seconds. Toy Story 1, 2, and 3. FUCK LIVE ACTION BITCHES.

Q: You were spot on with your analysis of Hanks' performance in "Turner and Hooch." But how can you mistake Hooch for a St. Bernard? I know it was in the middle of the Dog Movie Era with classics like K-9, Homeward Bound, Cop and Half and Beethoven (that was the one with a St. Bernard). Hooch is a French Mastiff. You owe all dog lovers an apology!
— Tom R, Charlotte

No. No one owes dog owners an apology because IT'S CALLED A FUCKING MISTAKE. If I accidentally mistaken Tom Coughlin for dead in my blog, I wouldn't owe zombies an apology would I? NO. FUCK AND NO. Go eat some dog shit if you love them so much. Stop being so pretentious. "EWWW I OWN A DOG AND KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT DOGS AND THEIR DIGESTIVE TRACK BECAUSE I ROUTINELY EAT MY OWN DOGS SHIT TO FIND OUT THE CONTENTS." Seriously. Eat shit. You don't get it. I want you to seriously take a handfull of dog excrement, and shove it in your mouth. Make a video of it can call it "two bitches one cup."

Q: Listen to the chorus of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten." Isn't it about masturbating to porn? "Staring at the blank page before you" (open up the Internet) "open up the dirty window" (obvious) "let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find" (you can't find the words because you're busy grunting) "reaching for something in the distance" (again obvious) "so close you can almost taste it" (almost there) "release your inhibitions" (climax!). Have fun listening to that song the same way ever again.
— Ryan Wittman, State College

Oh Ryan, I also go to STATE COLLEGE. As for your statement which is most definitely not a question, I don't need to rebuttal. Because it's the stupidest, most inane comment ever. Here, I'll make this song sound like sex. "Mary had a little lamb" (talking about her pussy clearly) "Little lamb Little Lamb" (how small a pussy Mary has) "who's fleece was white as snow" (ok, so she's in her 60's. Shit this is dirty) "And everywhere that Mary went her lamb was sure to go" (Seems obvious, but at her age, that shit can drop out like a transmission) "It made the children laugh and play" (wow, now Mary is some sort of pedophile) "And so the teach turned it out" (now the teacher is fucking Mary. DWAMN. This is like the craziest porn ever)

As you can see Ryan, your comment is fucking pointless. GOOD DAY SIR. *adjusts monocle*

Q: So I just saw the movie Source Code (not bad, but Moon was better). In the film, in case you haven't seen it, Jake Gyllenhaal's character is repeatedly placed into the body of a school teacher aboard a train in the eight minutes before a devastating terrorist attack … to gather information. That's bare bones and without anything that seems like a spoiler, because it's all a lot more complicated. Anyway, it got me thinking. If you could go back in time to re-live, repeatedly, any eight minutes in sports in order to then repeat it … where would you go? As a Yankees fan, I'd pick the eight minutes before Brian Cashman's initial meeting with Carl Pavano.
— Dennis O'Brien, Kerrville, TX

As and asshole, I'd head back to when Richard Pryor's face got blown off when he was freebasing crack. I just want to see that shit, because you know, no matter how funny any of Pryor's material is, that is the most hilarious thing he has ever given the world. EVER. It's like if John Goodman died of an aneurism, or George Bush drowned in and oil spill.

Q: What's the top thing you didn't think you'd write or think this year? For me, so far, it has to be, "I wish Dice K were available."
— Lisa L., Cape Elizabeth, Maine

Oh simple. "I wish that Lisa L. from Cape Elizabeth, Maine had died in a horrible car wreck while speeding along the coast of Maine." Actually, that's unfair. I totally thought I'd write that this year. In all reality, I would say "I think Ryan Gosling is a fucking boss." That's just because of "Drive" though.

Q: With Chaz Bono's recent publicity push due to DWTS, it occurred to me that her beard is clearly one of the worst of all time. I put it in a class with Hulk Hogan's NWO Hollywood look. If we were to build a Mt. Rushmore of bad beards, what would the other two be?
— Brad, Fort Worth, TX

Well, first of all, those beards can't be chiseled into stone. Johnny Depp's bitch ass whiskers would just fall off during the first rain. Same with Paul Pierce. So fuck that idea. It's dumb. And I just wasted a good 10-15 seconds writing that response. That comes out to about .001 cents that you owe me for my time. As every rapper ever has said, "Time is money"...NIGGA.

Q: How are you not freaking out about this Red Sox collapse? I thought we would have had five columns by now!!!
— Heather, Villanova, PA

I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK

Q: 5-16 in September, and not a word from you!?! What gives?
— Steve, Fredericton, Canada

What gives? Santa gives. I don't give a shit. Steve, let me tell you a little something about my method. I'm a method writer, which means about the same as method acting. For me to write, I have to be in character for said writing. If I was to write a racist joke, I would have to previously punched Kat Williams. Just how I work, and to do these things take time, so go fuck yourself. I'M PISSED BECAUSE I JUST LOST MY FIRST FANTASY GAME THIS WEEK.

Q: What if on October 26, 1986 a tall bespectacled, balding man named "Larry" handed you this letter?

Dear 17 year old Bill Simmons,
I know that his error yesterday is still fresh, but don't worry — 25 years from now Billy Buck will appear on my TV show and redeem himself by catching a baby thrown from a burning building. Also, you will see Susie have an orgasm in my Hybrid car.
— Calvin, New York

Uh, this doesn't pertain to me, but I'll answer anyways. considering I wasn't born yet, my guess is I would react the same way any sperm/egg combination would do which is of course swim/sit there.

Q: I'm a new dad. I love my wife and baby, but I also need time with the boys. I need your Top 5 excuses (that have actually worked) so I can go out with the boys and minimize the damage with the missus. Much appreciated.
— Scott, Oxford, CT

You're from Connecticut, so you have an easy out. Just say you have to go to the women's basketball game, and then base your argument on your stance for women's rights in the sports world. Can't lose. Then GO TO THE STRIP CLUB. WHOO YEAH THE IRONY IS GIVING ME A BONER. Number 2 - Say you have cancer and only 3 days to live. Then take a day trip to New York and have your way with a prostitute. 3- Say you are running for office and need to find a belle who will accept and then publicize some dick shots. Obviously you would need to go out for a couple nights to find such a belle. 4 - Divorce. 5- Stage a murder suicide. Then unlimited days off for you and your boyz. That's how men roll. FUCK YO WOMEN. LONG TERM COMMITMENT IS FOR PUSSIES. THE ONLY PUSSIES I KNOW ARE THE ONES I'M FUCKING EVERY NIGHT. WHO DAT, WHO DAT, BITCH I GOT DAT FLAAAAAAME. *goes to bed at 10pm alone*

Q: I was at the bar Friday night when "Cult of Personality" starting playing. I immediately looked to the door expecting CM Punk to walk in. I think I've started watching too much wrestling again. I'm 30 by the way.
— Len, Erie, PA

Yeah. Best course of action in your situation would be to just end your life. The fact that you watch such television is why the country is terrible. It's not that it's violence, or that it's not intelligent TV. It's that it's straight up fake. If I wanted to watch fake things I'd watch reality TV. If I wanted to watch violence, I would watch the wonderfully entertaining sport of MMA. If I wanted unintelligent TV, I'd watch CBS. All three together in one program is just brain mush fuel. So, find yourself a nice garage, park your car in it while it's running and blow your brains out. That's called an unexpected twist, something that the cops can look forward to at the scene of the crime. "So detective, he parked his car and left if running, and then took this Glock and blasted his face off? This was TOTALLY A STAGED MURDER." That's compelling television. Not fucking Wrastling.

Q: My fantasy football team this year? Casey Anthony's MILF All Stars. I am absolutely giving you and the mustache 100% of the blame/credit. I never thought like this before I started reading your columns. Oh, who am I kidding? I thought like this long before I hated hearing you talk about the f-ing Red Sox. Seriously though, I'd let Casey Anthony touch my penis.
— Scott, Portland, OR

You're from Portland so I'm going to assume Hipster. What is the most hipster thing to do? Well, what no one else wants to do. No one would dare touche (pardon my french) Casey Anthony EXCEPT HIPSTER SCOTT. Ride your fixed gear all the way to Florida and tap that ass with a sheep skin condom. THAT'S THE HIPSTER WAY. EASTBOUND AND DOWN ON CASEY ANTHONY. You know she has no respect for her uterus, as she hates anything that comes from it.

Q: Not following the NBA lockout except for when you mention it in a mailbag. Is it at all possible for the players to break the owners?
— Jason, Seattle

BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR. What were you saying? Oh. I don't know.

Q: The opening scene of Episode 6 of this season of Louie made me think of the NBA lockout. The man playing the beautiful violin piece masterfully is the continuation of last season's brilliance and the potential the current season could be to make the NBA's beautiful masterpiece, but the beauty is completely ruined by some fat, disgusting homeless man washing himself with a water bottle in a subway tunnel … that the lockout and the fact that neither side seems to care right now about getting this done and making sure the fans have what they love … I feel like Louie … enjoying the beauty of last season and excited for what could be, but now there's a nasty man bathing himself and I can only look on in disgust …
— Michael W., Seattle

Astutely put there Michael W from Seattle. I apologize for your depression, which of course is assumed as you live in Seattle where less sun is shown upon than on Louis CK's asshole. I really like how "Louie" get's me to laugh at things I shouldn't laugh at. It's so great. Like in the movie "Super" when Ellen Page rapes Rain Wilson. All I did was laugh at it. Not even awkward laugh, because I was watching it alone. Just straight up, this is great, laugh. I'm so awesomely sick. SAWESOME.

Q: Could there have been a more natural way for the torch to be passed from "The Mike Tyson Zone" to the "Charlie Sheen Zone" than Iron Mike being a roaster for the Charlie Sheen Roast?
— Cameron, Cleveland

I don't know what this is, but I'm going to assume it is one of Bill's idioms, or as I like to say just now, idiotioms. This is one of the most trivial questions ever. I don't care and I'd imagine no one cares. I just want the Mike Tyson Zone to be a game at the ESPN Zone where you feed pigeons in a video game.

Wilt Stilts writes very succinctly, as to be the laziest and most pretentious asshole that the world can offer. Visit him at his website www.eatdogshitdoglovers.com/mikevickisoursavior or on twitter @kberthusen

The Blog of a Satirist of a Satirist of Grantland

2011-08-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Breaking new ground isn't new to me. It's called Blogception. Satire of a blog, within a smaller blog that was originally satired from an even larger blog. Wait what? I don't get it.

When we had the chance to sign the writer Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber and then release him after a day, I said, "well, ok, but why?" It was a deal. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. Today, he's going to write his most inner and dark secrets that haunt him as a somewhat famous, but not as famous as Drew Magary, blogger.

There are days when all I can think about is how the earth can be so abismal. People steal things every day. Most of the time, I focus my energy thinking how the mainstream music industry mogul executives take all the indy band's ideas and turn them into mainstream garbage junkyard scrap piles. I always like finding the smallest and most unique band I can find and showing it to my friends.

Last week I found this band from Hoboken, New Jersey called "Hamstring Circle Jerky" that consists of a pan flute and french horn. It's amazing. It's so original. Like no one has heard it. In fact, I'm not sure why I'm telling you guys this, because I don't want those capitalist music enterprises to come down and snatch up their ideas and dumb it down for those dumb banlieue high schoolers. Yeah, sometimes I throw french words into my writing just to be original. Like balieue means suburbs. I bet you didn't know that.

And I bet you didn't know of my blog KSK. That's short for Kissing Suzy Kolber. You probably haven't heard of it. I'm not really that famous on it, because I'm trying to stay grounded with my writing. I don't want to blow up like that sellout Bill Simmons. I just want to exhibit my talents enough to be noticed, but not to explode. You know man. Like when Mumford and Sons became super popular, I hated them. They were clearly pandering to the national audience and totally suck now. I hate them. And I never want to be synonymous with Mumford and Sons. Ever man.

And so I like to keep my writing somewhere around average. Keeps me hidden, and under ground like molten lava. I would consider myself the core of the KSK family. Drew is the Earth's crust. He's on the surface, always being looked at. Totally mainstream. He also writes from Deadspin. I mean. He's a sellout, but he's grounded kinda, you know? And I am the core, all hot and bubbly. Occasionally my molten lava rises to the surface, but that is only on accident. That's because I'm trying to stay underground and stick to my roots.

But today, I had an eruption. I had to get this off my chest. I saw the mainstream conglomerate blog imperials taking MY ideas from the underground indy blog AND USING IT. I've never been so undermined by the world. Now I know how it feels to be a rioter in London. So I posted a response to the satire on Grantland. The one where they parodied Brady Quinn. I couldn't just do a normal satire to confront them. I couldn't just make fun of Bill Simmons with a Simmons parody. That would be too mainstream. That would be falling into the mainstream trap of The Man.

What did I, the underground and independent blogger, do? I had to take it to another level. I had to create my own satire. A satire of a satire. That's what I did. I knew that if I were to just do a normal satire, I would be doing exactly what the mainstream was doing now. Now I have to satire their satire, so I made this.

I started the whole satire of popular sports icons first. I was the Patient 0 of comical parodies of sports athletes. The mainstream stole my idea, and now I have to create a new idea. A new virus to inflict on the blog world that will get me noticed. But not noticed enough to become mainstream. Just noticed enough. I can't go mainstream. I will never be part of a mulit-national corporation full of lies and deceit and stocks and bonds and corporate jets and dividends and corporate taxes and sell outs. I will always be indy. Always representing the real believers. I AM CHRISTMAS APE!!!

This is not a real post. This is a fake post. No. Stop thinking it is real asshole. It's fucking fake. You can't possibly believe this is a real post. No one is really this non-self-aware. This is clearly fake and clearly satire. The satire is so thick that honey is jealous of it's viscosity. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

The Glorious Return of ME. ME. YOU LOVE ME.

2011-08-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

I've returned from a stint in the upper midwest (Minnesota) and am here to take your emails, that you sent to Bill Simmons, and that I am now stealing. WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.

"Good effort Peyton." *pouts*

Q: I'm having a rough patch in my life. I am a broke college student home for the summer and can't find a job. I deposited $6 to my bank account today and the teller literally laughed at me when she saw that my balance was $13. Then I went home and cut my nipple when I was shaving my chest. All I ask for is a mailbag. I need this.
— Jono, St. Louis

Congrats asshat. You are just like all college students that are gay. Shaving chests. Doing tricks on the side to pay for that bikini wax. Venturing craigslist ads for sex, and offering a $12 reward for anyone willing. Sounds like a fun summer dude. That bitch teller was clearly all up on your nuts and wanted your scrawny dick inside her. Only a gay man doesn't take advantage of that.

Q: Which will last longer: The NFL lockout, or the time between Simmons mailbags?
— David C., NYC

Clearly the NFL lockout dick face for brains.

Q: Please do a mailbag before Sasha Vujacic marries Maria Sharapova and the world ends.
— John, Omaha, NE

Fuck do you care John. You're in Omaha. No way Maria wants you. Unlike how she wants me because I'm in Lawrence, Kansas and sexy as hell. And me penis is like a railroad tie.

Anyways, We've got ourself a new segment where I hyjack Simmons' questions from fans like that RPG hijacked that helicopter this weekend, and then I WRITE MY OWN ANSWERS. As inagurally, these are real emails from real readers from a real website.

Q: Any reaction to (Kevin) Durant at Rucker Park? Isn't that the stuff of legends?
— @SJU212 (Via Twitter)

The only reaction I have is SHHEEEEEETTT. DAT NIGGA ALL UP IN DEMS HOOPZ MAKIN' SHOTS LIKE THE NURSE IN A MOBLE FLU SHOT VAN SON. 66 POINTS?!?! IF HE SCORED SIX HUNDRED MORE HE WOULD HAVE BECOME THE DEVIL HE WAS SO HAWT. AWW YEAH!

Q: Did you know Latrell Sprewell and Anthony Mason rank #1 and #3 in delinquent tax dollars owed the state of Wisconsin?

— Dan, Madison, WI

And #2 is Reggie White's corpse. Turns out he was addicted to whores. And blow. That's why he had a heart attack, BUT THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT. IT'S A COVER UP. COVER UP I SAY!

Q: I recommended that Versus be changed to WET (White Entertainment Television) on your Facebook page and you declared it "brilliant." Can I at least get some confirmation of my one brilliant moment in life?
—Chris C., Austin

No. I know your type. Hipster asshole from Austin, with his tumblr ready at any moment to catch a shitty pic of a stray bag blowing in the wind. You had one joke in your entire life, and it just so happened to be one that Simmons noticed. TAKE YOUR LIKE AND LEAVE ASSHOLE. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY. It'd be better to be called VERSUS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WAS ENTERED IN THE COPYRIGHT OFFICE.

Q: Where does the capture of Whitey Bulger in Santa Monica of all places rank in the all-time upsets in Boston's history? Not to champion his past in any way, but the guy has been on the run since I was playing tee ball!
— Ryan Harris, San Francisco

Tee Ball? YOU MUST BE ELDERLY. YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHAT JIMMY CARTER LOOKS LIKE, AND KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HATE BLACK PEOPLE LEGITIMATELY. As for Whitey Bulger, GLAD THEY GOT HIM. Now if only they could take that Marc Bulger down for killing the Rams.

Q: Do you realize that we live in a world where the best golfer is white and the best rapper is black? What the fuck?????
— Patrick, Sacramento

Who is the best rapper? I mean, Drake is like three quarters white. So he doesn't count. It's not Wayne. It's not Jay-Z or Kanye (although the Throne is sick.). It's still Eminem right? Fuck If I know. And golf, well it should be a white guy, you know, because golf is raycess.

Q: If you're a Nike ad exec, wouldn't the following commercial start to get some more positive light on LeBron? Start with a scene and a couple words from "The Decision." A voiceover by LeBron says, "Did I do it the wrong way? Yes." Cut to footage of Miami's post signing celebration. ("Did I crown myself too early? Yes.") Cut to a montage of him missing shots and turning the ball over, then Dirk celebrating the title. ("Did I fail during my biggest professional moment? Yes.") Final cut to LeBron working on his game alone in the gym. ("Will I be better next time that you see me play …yes.") Fade to black, then a LeBron logo with some type of Nike-type saying. Thoughts?
— Kyle, Chicago

First of all, nice name. Second of all, NO. Here's a better commercial. Lebron is driving an Aston Martin in the rain in Florida. Lightning striking everywhere. Camera is outside the car first, and then moves to the interior where "Gotta Have it" from Watch the Throne is playing at the time when Kanye says "Ain't that like Lebron James" and he nods his head. Then Jay-Z says "Ain't that just like D-Wade." And then Lebron's facial expression changes and he steers his car of the road into the ocean. Then to a black screen that just says "Fuck."

Q: At halftime of Super Bowl 38, Justin Timberlake sang, "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song," then reached over and ripped Janet Jackson's top off. Janet got blamed for the ensuing fallout because of her fancy nipple-cover, but HE ripped HER clothes off. Then SHE gets crap for it to this day. Why does nobody ever blame JT and why does he gets to go on living his charmed life of superstardom?
— Sean C, Benton, AR

Because he's fuckable Sean. You wouldn't understand because being from Arkansas, you only listen to Brooks and Dunn. He's a sex icon. Janet is not. Infact, the only thing still fuckable on her is her fake tits, and that is still a stretch. Also, and you should know this, the NFL is raycess.

Q: A-Rod! Poker! Cocaine! Secret Games! Welching! Henchmen! Mystery girlfriend! Hundreds of thousands of dollars!
— Denny, Dracut, MA

Posterior advancements! Growths on my pubic area! Sailor Jerry's! Constantinople! Am I doing this right!

Q: July just isn't the same unless someone's signing Al Harrington to a $50 million contract.
— Adam F., Toronto

I GET SARCASM!!!11ONE!!!1

Q: Lt. Daniel Kaffee would turn 47 this year (Demi Moore says his birthday is in 1964 in the softball scene). What do you think he's doing now?
— Craig, St. Paul

I don't even... wat?

Q: Grant Wahl thinks we should play the Women's World Cup every two years. You down with that idea?

Nope, because who is gonna pay for that shit. That stadium only held 50k and was barely full for the final. You can't be serious if you think that will fill every two years. Fuck off dicknuts.

Q: So I am looking around the internet trying to find a site that has all of the Real World/Road Rules cast records and it doesn't seem to exist. How is this possible? If this is going to be the 5th major sport than I need to know what Paula's career record, or when these people get eliminated every season. Someone needs to start doing sabermetric analysis.
— Pat, Raynham, MA

Hey Pat. If you give so many fucks about this, then maybe you should get your lazy masshole off the couch and onto a slightly more comfortable couch with a laptop and make this website. You could literally make hundreds of dollars. BECOME A HUNDREDAIRE

Q: You wrote that we'll remember Dwayne Wade forever as an evil genius who somehow convinced his biggest archrival to move to HIS city, play for HIS team, and become HIS sidekick. I think that this analysis is but the tip of the iceberg — he also rigged it so that LeBron became the scapegoat if Wade's genius plan managed to fail while simultaneously remaining a great and lovable player. Check. Mate. The only guy who could have planned something this complex from the beginning is Keyser Soze. I don't know whether realizing this and understanding who the real bad guy is makes me REALLY, REALLY hate Dwyane Wade or that I simply need to tip my cap to him and say, "Well played, sir."
— Ryan Maddux, San Francisco

No. Chill out. Dwayne Wade is just as dumb as Lebron, the difference is he got lucky. His management is the genius, he just reaped the rewards. They had the cap and they made it happen. Wade had little to nothing to do with the situation. He was equally douchey in the Miami party of fun that happened when the others came to town. It just so happens that he has a ring already, and if if was Lebron with the ring instead of Wade, it would have looked way different in the finals. Don't think for one second that athletes are smart enough to do a QUADRUPLE CROSS like that. That's James Bond shit son.

Q: We need you to make a year-by-rule ruling on who is 'America's Sweetheart' and give her a WWE-style championship belt.
— @dweigner (via Twitter)

Ok. First question. Who is "We." The world? Men who need a jackoff check list? Next, 'America's Sweetheart' will always be Sarah Palin. SHE LOVES 'MERICA DAMMIT. YOU FIND ME ONE WOMAN ON THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS THAT IS MORE IN LOVE WITH 'MERICA. SHE'S SO IN LOVE WITH 'MERICA THAT SHE LET THE STATES GO ANAL. THAT'S HOW MUCH IN LOVE SHE IS.

Q: Can we start a petition that no announcer can compliment a pitcher who is facing the Mariners? I am getting tired of hearing how "untouchable" every damn pitcher is when the pitch against the Ms. They aren't F&^#*!# untouchable — they're just pitching against the equivalent of a JV girls softball team. My wife doesn't heap praise on me when I beat my 8-year-old in basketball, so can we please stop thinking these pitches are having the performance of a lifetime just because they two-hit the worst hitting team of our generation?
— Brett, Seattle

HEY. EDGAR MARTINEZ IS TRYING REALLY HARD. DON'T BE SO MEAN. Wait? He retired? RICHIE SEXTO... Wat? Brett Boone? WELL FUCK IT.

Q: Did you, the asshole who just won 7 titles in the last 10 years, really just try one of your stupid reverse jinxes on Twitter to ruin my Eagles season? Do you realize we haven't won a championship since before my dad was born??? Save your admittedly effective reverse jinxes for more important things like the debt crisis and Kate Upton taking her clothes off in a movie. Thank you.
— Still a fan even though you're an asshole, Tim in Colorado (via Philly)

Wah Wah. You won a Phillies title a few years ago. You're just as big a bitch. And you had AI which is like 9 championships in a row. Fuck off Philadelphia. And one more thing, YOU WENT TO 3 STRAIGHT NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES. GUESS WHAT? I'VE SEEN ONE CHIEFS PLAYOFF WIN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS 7. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Q: You tweeted a link to Kobe's Turkish Airlines ad and asked "'Why does Kobe peek at the chef's ass?' has replaced 'Why does MJ have a Hitler mustache?' as No. 1 weirdest ad subplot." You realize Kobe was actually watching the guy limp away, right? Or do you just hate Kobe so much that you see what you want to see?
--JB, Van Nuys, CA

Compromise. KOBE IS GAY. AND HE'S INTO THAT DILAPIDATED PORN. HE LIKE DEM PARAPLE-SEX WITH THE SAME SEX. That's what I see. You know, ads are like art. You can only take away what YOU see in it. You see Kobe feeling bad for an injured person and I see Kobe with a weird sexual infatuation with men. Tomato Tamato.

Q: As Jerry Maguire walked Rod Tidwell across the floor of the 1995 NFL Draft, he introduced him to Mel Kiper Jr. and quickly boasted that Rod had 1550 receiving yards and 110 catches "last year." That means in the 1994 season, Tidwell led the league in receiving yards and finished 4th in catches. Yet his on-field dominance yielded a local waterbed endorsement deal, a lowball offer from the Cardinals, and a house infested with ants. No wonder Jerry lost every other client, right?
— Jeff Hoose, Las Vegas, NV

Ah, but here is your problem. Rod Tidwell is a total dick. And let's not forget the concussion that he clearly sustained in the end zone. That took 3 years off his career. EASILY. And then he walked it off and played more that game. Fucker's gonna be dead at 30. Concussions weren't even invented yet back then.

Q: Now that Fox bought the movie rights to the ESPN book, who do you envision being cast to play you? I vote for Matthew Perry because A) He kinda, sorta looks like you and B) He really could use some kind of career bump.
— Rob, Toledo, OH

"I WANT PIVEN BECAUSE I NEED TO BE KNOWN BY THE ENTOURAGE BOYS AND MAHK WAHLBAHG." -Bill Simmons

Q: Who is playing you in the movie about the ESPN book? I think it should be Adam Sandler — you both peaked 12 years ago.
— Timmy, Winchester, MA

BADUMP CHING! It's called humor and Timmy just nailed it like Amy Winehouse's coffin.

Q: Who do you think is the player most likely to become ridiculously overweight during this NBA lockout?
— J. Olafsson, Reykjavik

BRANDON JENNINGS. KYRIE IRVING. ANTHONY RANDOLPH. ALL FAT AS HELL.

Q: How long till Greg Oden is starring in a porn movie titled Trail Blazers?
— Patrick, New Orleans

First of all, It'd be called TAIL Blazers. Secondly, three weeks into the season if it is locked out.

Q: If I came down with a terminal illness and Chris Connelly showed up at my door, I would definitely request to spend the day with C.T.
— Austin, San Francisco

CYSTIC FIBROS IS NOTHING YOU CAN SPEND A DAY WITH. Oh C.T.? What is that?

Q: I am venturing out to start a new business franchise that I believe will be very successful. The idea is to combine various fast food restaurants with a strip club. The first undertaking will be a Chipotle/Strip Club combo, aptly named Strippable. Once our first business takes off, we'll move on to other restaurant strip club enterprises. Taco King (Taco Bell / Burger King / strip club), Chicks-Grade-A (Chick-Fil-A / strip club), Jimmy's Johns (Jimmy John's / strip club), Hardee's (Hardee's / strip club).... you get the idea. I am writing to ask for your financial support of this exciting new opportunity. You can be a founding member of the franchise that will soon sweep the globe. There's a limited amount of time before we open our doors, so act soon.
— Josh, CEO and President, Stripotle Inc.

Yup, these are Bill Simmons' douchiest readers.

Wilt Stilts knows that the best way to get paid for writing is to have others do half of the work. That is why he does what he does here. Visit him at his website www.lazyasfucks.com or at twitter @kberthusen

I Don't Want to Bro Up (Puns Brah), I'm an Entourage Bro, ya bro what I mean?

2011-08-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

How Entourage inspires a generation of over privileged white 20 somethings.

Ya brah. It's a Rolls. You know. Rolls Royce. What'd you call me faggot?

Ugh bro. BRO. Please bro, understand what this show has DONE FOR ME. It's done wonders. It made me want to be an actor/producer/rapper/singer/agent. Like, bro, I know I've never even taken an acting class, but COULDN'T YOU SEE ME IN AQUAMAN? I would be so fucking tight for it bro. Get this.

*twists flat bill hat around backwards*

Yo I'm Aquaman bro. I'm gonna have some of these little aquatic life forms get at you BRAH. HUH. WHAT. HUH? YA TIGHT BRAH. YA TIGHT.

*twist hat back forward*

You see that. Fucking aced it. Aced it like the 3 bowling classes I took last semester. Bro. BRO. SHIT WAS SO EASY. EASY LIKE DAT TRI DELT SAVANNA. Brad hit that pussy like 9 times this month. THIS MONTH. And that's assuming that he didn't hit it for her period week, so that was like 9 times in APPROXIMATELY THREE WEEKS. Bro. BRO. BRAH. Insane man.

Anyways, I can't tell you how it feels to see this series end. This show was a game changer bro. Game changer like my nigga Tony Romo. Game changer like my half nigga Derek Jeter. GAME CHANGER LIKE KOBE BABY. You know those my favorite teams, and just like my favorite show, I LOVE TO WATCH 'EM BRAH.

But, now after this season, there will be no more Entourage. I loved this shit man. I mean, bro. BRO. I loved this show like fresh bottle of Rohypnol on a Friday night. This show has taken me places my soul DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT HAD BRO. BRAH. BRAAAHHH. You know when E got married and shit. OUT OF NOWHERE. That shit was out of left field like when I played left field in high school, but then had to quit because of that bullshit rape charge. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BRO. OUT OF LEFT FIELD SON. BROAH. BROAOAOAOHHHH.

And now with only one season left, how am I supposed to cope, brah? I finna buy myself some liquor and pour it out for my 'Rage hommies. I call it 'Rage, wich is short for Entourage, brah. I know it's tight. I fucking tell everyone my nickname for 'Rage. Everybody loves it.

But, back to what I was trying to say. This show changed me. It made me who I am today. I told my parents back my sophomore year that I was gonna quit school and go to LA. I was gonna do it to brah. My parents mugged the hell out of me though, and told me they wouldn't pay off my credit card if I did that. I wasn't gonna have that shit. How would I buy new Air Force Ones without that black card, right brah? BRAH. BROWE!

Still bro, this show has a total causation to what kind of brah I am right now. One day, I was out on campus and saw this Asian guy talking to another guy. The Asian guy look like a fag, so I just walked by and yelled "HEY YOU FAGGOT. I HEARD THAT YOUR COUNTRY GOT HIT BY A TSUNAMI. SUCK ON MY DICK WITH YOUR GAY TOUNGUE!" I did that shit for Ari man. I mean, bro. What am I gonna do without Ari and 'Rage man.

This show has so much inside me. It's my life. Sometimes I make fun of my fat friend who can't get a job. He's all poor and shit and has to get a job, just like Turtle. I mean seriously. You know how Christians have the bible and all, bro? Like, brah, 'Rage is MY bible. Bro. BROYOYO!

Get at me on this brahs. It's seriously like one of my relatives is dying. I had a red head friend in high school that I used to talk trash on for being a pussy. It was like I was Drama and he was E. Bro killed himself. RIP JONNY NO SOUL. Miss that bro. Can't believe he killed himself bro. If I could have found who caused that shit I would; bro, I would just straight up kill that bro. BRO. BROAWAAWWOOO. MISS YOU BRO.

I mean, this show will live with me like the genital warts that that bitch Cathy gave me last week. Fuck that bitch. She wasn't worth even a quater of the ruffie that I used on her. NOT EVEN A QUARTER OF IT. And bro, if she had given that shit to Drama? DAMMNNNNN YO. Shit would've got ill. That bro would have found her and taken that head off. Son. You don't even know. BRO. BROAASHWHWAAOOO. BROWASGHDFKLJKJLOO.

Rest in Peace 'Rage. Rest in Peace Bros.

Wilt Stilts womanizes like Spider man fights crime. Well. Hit this Josh BROlin up at his website www.brocrastination.bro or on twitter @kberthusen.

Kobe Takes Manilla; NBA Not Invited/Forgot to RSVP

2011-07-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

How the Philippines became the first (and last) stop on NBA players' lockout tour.

"I take all the SSSSSSSSSSShotsssssHISSSSS"

When Mario Pachiko walks the walkways of his Zoo, he constantly thinks of the stories of how those animals got there. The gorilla, he was tranquillized just outside the cage he is in right now. The giraffe was a present for David Schwimmer after his role in Madagascar, but because of zoning violations in Los Angeles, Schwimmer had to find a new home for Melvin.

"I remember when Melvin got here. He was just a little calf, or as I like to say, 'gircalf'." Pachiko said as he laughed.

The Thrilla in Manilla zoo here in the Philippines is a one stop shop for exotic animals. If you want to see a dung beetle, this is your place. They're all over. In the cages. In the road. In your hotel room. It is the definition of exotic. Even with all the depth in his zoo catalog, Pachiko still had one missing piece. A certain snake.

"I don't have a black mamba. Can't afford a real one. They die too easily in this warm and moist climate. It needs to be arid."

A quick wikipedia check shows you his problem. Black mambas are native to Africa, and although both the Philippines and Africa are close to the equator, they have very different climates.

"Africa is dry. We get rain all the time. To compare it to America, It's like Seattle to Los Angeles."

Recently though, Pachiko has maybe found himself a replacement to heal his black mamba woes.

"Kobe Bryant is coming in town."

That's right. With the NBA up in the air about next season, Kobe has been out looking to find some practice to keep in shape, and his first destination, you guessed it, Manilla.

"I can't afford to just hire Kobe. It's pretty expensive. The thing is though, he's pretty old now. I think I could hunt him down and tranquilize him pretty easy. I've got a trap set in place. I have a fat head of Pau Gasol missing layups. That should get his attention."

Pachiko plans on Kobe's instinct reaction to run over and yell at/punch the Gasol fat head. At that point ...

"I'm gonna shoot him. We already have a cage for him. It's a half court made bamboo wood floor and painted yellow so there won't be a habitat change shock. We've given him some basketballs too. I'm not sure what he eats, but I know McDonalds is popular in America, so we imported 50,000 Big Macs."

Seems like this time, Kobe will be the one held against his will in a hotel this time. It's funny how Karma always seems to get you.

Wilt Stilts is purveyor of everything Philippines and absolutely loves the porn made from that country. Visit him at www.Phillipeantubes.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

The Art fo the Body Shot

2011-07-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Amir Kahn and the most beautiful body shot ever.

Wait. No. That's not right. This is the most beautiful shot ever.

These hot chicks and the most beautiful body shots ever done.

AW YEAH. You wanted the art of the body shot? WELL THIS IS IT. Boxing has it's own verson, but it's way gayer, involving two guys and fisting. This right here. This is body shot at it's purest, and I'm here to breakdown the calm before the storm, the the storm itself that is the body shot

It all begins with the participants. Now, this should always be two women. Some men get into the action as well, but only because they think it's funny. It is not. Taking a body shot off a man is as funny as Perez Hilton, which is to say it's not. It's gay. The pure body shot should always involve two girls. Let's breakdown the anatomy of these two girls.

First we need our participants to be somewhere between the ages of 18 and 32. It is possible to extend the ages, but it becomes increasingly more sketch after 32. The younger, the higher the possibility, because they are dumb. Ideally, we are working with sorority sisters, or former sorority sisters. They are already familiar with each other, and are not afraid to be near lesbianism as they are used to living in an area where body shots are not only socially acceptable, but the norm. Make sure one of the girls is needing of attention. Someone loud, especially when they drink.

Now, specifically you would be looking for girls with belly buttons that are so called "innies". These make a reservoir for the shot. Also, try and find different hair colored girls, because diversity is the name of the game. We have a black president now. Hey, maybe even get a hispanic chick in there. Make each body shot your own.

Now, when preparing, you must make sure to find a bar that is packed, enough so that the two could feel lost in a crowd, but not too crowded to not find bar space for the shot. Make sure you know the bar in mind before the night. Preparation is everything. On the topic of preparation, let's talk about pre-gaming. Tequila is a neceessity. No one can explain why tequila does what it does. It may just be psychological, but whatever does it, it does it well. Tequila will loosen the moods of all involved, including and especially yourself. You need to be free and ready to ask for the shot. Without provocation no body shots will be had that evening.

Now, once you are properly pre-gamed, TAKE TO THE BAR. Make sure you have rides lined up, or a house close enough to walk. Nothing ends a night faster than someone stopping the alcohol because they need to drive. Make sure they are still sober enough to remember things before you go into the bar. Get in the bar, and find an isolated spot where you can talk and keep drinking. You have to make it so that no guys come up to them and ask them to dance or anything, and instead, get tired of waiting for a man. They also need to get drunk at the bar, that way they are comfortable with the bar. Once isolated at the bar, you need to drink. All of you. It's not fun if all aren't really drunk.

The final step is a judgement step. It depends on the girls, how well you know them, and how confident you are. You need to propose the shot. Maybe gradually increase the intensity of the shots through the night. Maybe just wiskey. Then tequila shots. Then jagar bombs. Then flaming shots. Then propose. Get on your knee if you have to. This is a very important proposition. Comparing it to marriage is no joke. IT IS MARRIAGE. It's there forever in those girls minds. IT IS VERY SERIOUS.

If all is well, you've got yourself a body shot. Enjoy it. Savor it. This only comes around once in a blue moon in nature. You've just beat nature. You've created synthetic life in the form body shots. Pat yourself on your back. You've succeeded.

Wilt Stilts is an average looking guy who goes to bars every once and a while. He's got swag which an award that stands for Supreme Wingman Achievement Graduate. Visit him at his website www.manwhore.com or on twitter @kberthusen

Free Agents You Meet in HELL!!!

2011-07-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

A look at NFL players whom Jesus should try to avoid.

ALL YOUR SOULS IS MINE

*LIGHNING STRIKE* AH HAH! Welcome to hell everyone. To the left of you on your tray is a pile of bones to which you can snack on, and to you right is is a cup holder for you complimentary beverage today, boiling blood. Looks like we have a famous person today on the decent to hell. Amy Winehouse is here. Let's all give her a round of applause. ENOUGH!

For your entertainment, we have a video that Satan chose just especially for you guys, ON STANDARD DEFINITION.... MWHAHAHAH! *rubs hands maniacally* You will bare witness to Satan's TEN MOST DEADLY FREE AGENTS OF THE CLASS OF 2011. Alright. Let me just pop in this VHS.

*Static on television*

TRACKING....

TRACKING....

TRACKING....

Passenger #1 - OH GOD. MAKE IT STOP!

TRACKING...

*video starts*

Satan - Hello everyone and welcome to Satan's Sports, where you find defense wins championships, and the devil wins Armageddon. Today we are talking NFL with Chris Berman analyzing my 10 favorite players in Free Agency.

Passenger #1 - OH GOD. NOT BERMAN!!

Berman - That's right Suffering Succotash Satin. The Master of Masturbation. We are gonna be talking 10 worst free agents in the class of twenty-eleven. Let's get started at number 10.

Satan - Number 10 is Willis McGahee. The kid had upside. At least until I sent my minions to the Miami vs Ohio State national championship game. MWHAHAHA. HIS KNEE CRACKED UNDER PRESSURE LIKE JUDAS. I will no doubt be injuring him this year. Fucker kept taking TD's from Ray Rice. I had Ray Rice on my fantasy team.

Berman - That's "What you talking 'bout" Willis McGahee coming in at 10. Now on to number nine we have Malcom Floyd.

Satan - That's right Chris, we have Floyd who is terrible. I know he had a few good games, but how did he get those games? Of course because of me. I INVENTED greed, and Vincent Jackson was a greedy mother fucker and decided to be held out for three quarters of the season. Trust me on this one guys.

Berman - So you heard it hear first, take a pass on Malcom Floyd Landis. Coming in at number eight.

Satan - Mark Bulger. I wanted to out that Jesus freak, Kurt Warner in St. Louis and so I offered Bulger to sell his soul for the starters job. He took that offer, but little did he know, that in the small print IT WAS ONLY A 4 YEAR GUARANTEED CONTRACT. MWAHAHAHA! HE'S SHITTY NOW.

Berman - No go on Mark "crotch" Bulger. Number seven...

Passenger #1 - OH GOD. STOP THE NICKNAMES FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST.

Passenger #2 - Shut up. This is hilarious. *retarded kid*

Satan - Ray Edwards is in at number seven. He's gonna have a heart attack. That's all I have to say about that.

Berman - Ray "Gun" Edwards in at seven. Number six is Ronnie Brown.

Satan - Ronnie Brown has a knack to be injured. That's mainly because he runs the wildcat formation, and when he does, I AM ANGERED. THE DEVIL IS NOT PLEASED WITH RUNNING BACKS PLAYING OUT OF FORMATION. SATAN'D.

Berman - That was number six Ronnie "what color is your poop?" Brown. In at number five...

Satan - DeAngelo Williams. He is in a Bulger situation where I gave him an offer to sell his soul, AND HE TOOK IT. This time the small print read "You get two good years, and then YOU GO DOWN HILL IN A WAGON FULL OF INJURIES."

Berman - Recapping number six, De "Angel oh no not angels" Williams. In at number four...

Satan - Braylon Edwards. I bought his soul too. He got that DUI, and then I said, "I will make people forget about the DUI and give your hands the ability to catch for your soul." He was souled. MWAHAHA, BUT THE FINE PRINT SAYS THAT THOSE HANDS WILL BECOME STONE AGAIN IN YEAR TWO.

Berman - Braylon "special" EDwards in at four. Next on the list at number three, Ricky Williams.

Satan - He was doing my bidding for a year or two there when he quit. Smoking weed and not pursuing his dreams. THAT IS THE DEVIL'S WAY AS ANY BIBLE THUMPER WILL TELL YOU. So to reward him, I gave him a few more good years. BUT NOW HE HAS USED THOSE YEARS UP. SMOKE 100 BOWLS OR YOU WILL BE FINISH IN THIS LEAGUE RICKY.

Berman - Ricky "Cheech and Bong" Williams at three. Number two on the list of least desireable Free Agents...

Satan - Terrell Owens. He's done. That's all. He had a good career and will be a Hall of Famer. But he's done. I don't have anything to do with him.

Berman - Terrell "he's in debt so now he" OWEns. Finally, at the top of the list, the number one worst player in free agency. Take it away Satan.

Satan - The worst free agent available in the market of 2011, Santonio Holmes. He sold his soul three years back to catch the winning touchdown pass in the super bowl. I wrote in that he would also have some good years after that. He was sold by my contract, BUT THERE WERE STIPULATIONS. I CAN ENTER HIS LIFE WITH ANY NUMBER OF DEADSPIN STORIES ABOUT HIM. That DUI. That was me. His sexting photo. ALL ME. AND WAIT FOR THE FINALY THIS YEAR. JUST WAIT.

Berman - Wow. Surprising pick at number one in Santonio "whale's vagina" Holmes. Free Agency ends in two weeks, so prepare your fantasy drafts and get ready. The season is AH-COMMIN'.

Satan - And from all of us at Satan Sports, thanks for watching, and have a happy eternity.

RazzieWatch: Who Will Win Worst FJM

2011-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Who will win worst FJ...what?

THIS IS YOUR GOD. ACCEPT HIM. - Movie Executive #951

This post is made in the style of Fire Joe Morgan, which took articles from the internet, and then added commentary. Each line in italics is that commentary. Deal with it.

In predicting who might be nominated for Worst Actor, first you have to ask: What does the Golden Raspberry look for in its leading men? It’s a question that drives Razzie gurus crazy.

I'd venture to assume that they don't go crazy over choosing the actors, but having to sit through the movies. Choosing at that point is the easiest part. I couldn't imagine sitting for 4 hours of current Vince Vaughn.

Sometimes the winners of the Worst Actor award are megastars like Eddie Murphy, John Travolta, and Adam Sandler. Sometimes the winners barely qualify as actors at all: the Jonas Brothers, George W. Bush, Roberto Benigni.

Sometimes, gay men have sex with other gay men. Sometimes the earth has tremors. Sometimes, AND I MEAN SOMETIMES, people don't see eye to eye on things.

Occasionally, an actor will dominate an era, as Kevin Costner did the 1990s, a decade in which he was nominated six times (and won three Razzies). But sometimes an actor will leap from obscurity with a performance for the ages, as Tom Green did when he won the Razzie for Freddy Got Fingered in 2001. (He’s still the only Worst Actor winner to accept his award in person.)

Sometimes you can't find your car keys. Sometimes you have a dead racoon in your attic. Sometimes there are solar flares that knock out satellites. Sometimes construction workers die. Sometimes Barney molests children.

... But you don’t care about the numbers! You only care who’s going to taste sweet, sweet RAZZberry come (ed: cum) January 23! So let’s do some soothsayin’.

LET'S RELATE TO PEOPLE BY LOSING THAT BLODDY G AT THE END OF SOOTHSAYING. G's ARE SO MAINSTREAM.

The Bottom Five

Of course, like so much in Razzie-world, these predictions will be endlessly revised, reconsidered, and revamped right up until that magic night. In order of how confident we feel about their chances:

Adam Sandler, Just Go With It and Jack & Jill
Sandler’s guaranteed to combine this nod with a Worst Actress nomination for Jack & Jill, and it’s entirely possible he’ll win both.

He's a shoo-in every year. That shouldn't be possible though. How can someone be consistently in the Razzies and still have a job? I can do everything that Sandler does. *FUNNY FACE* *FART SOUND* *NUT TAP* *POOP* *LITTLE KIDS LAUGHING* *ANIMAL TALKS*

Harrison Ford, Cowboys & Aliens
It’s hard to believe Ford has never been nominated for a single Razzie, but this looks like his year. Could sentimental voters push him to a win?

What? I don't think you can ride Cowboys & Aliens to a Razzie. It's just TOO GOOD. COWBOYS. THEY HAVE HORSES AND PISTOLS. ALIENS. THEY HAVE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY. ALL FIGHTING FOR OLIVIA WILDE AND HER EYES THAT ARE ONLY COMPARABLE ON THE KILLING SPECTER TO MEDUSA.

Martin Lawrence, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
A career-capping role in a beloved trilogy looks like a shoo-in for a nomination.

I don't think black people are stupid, I just think they have stupid people among them, just like how white people have the South. I think that is how these movies got made. Also that music in the trailer is irresistible. IT TAKES TO TO MAKE IT OUT OF SIGHT. I don't know if that's the words, but when that large black chick yells it, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.

Robert Pattinson, Water for Elephants and Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I
Robbed last year of his rightful prize (for Remember Me and Eclipse), it’s hard to imagine he won’t at least pick up a nomination this time around.

I heard he was good in Water for Elephants, where he fucked Reese Witherspoon. I think he fucked her. Maybe the elephant did? Maybe that was why the elephant was wet. MAYBE THAT WATER FOR THE ELEPHANT CAME FROM WITHERSPOON'S VAGAY. So many questions. So few answers.

Russell Brand, Arthur and Hop
While neither of these films intruded on the public consciousness all that much, Brand’s grating public persona (and his marriage to likely Worst Supporting Actress nominee Katy Perry) make him a real contender for Razzie.

Russell Brand is a cunt. You cannot possibly give him the lead in a movie. He's only supporting, because his half gay, half ladies man shit is annoying for a whole movie.

The Runners-Up

Keep a close eye on these hopefuls — they’re hungry for razzberry!

Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry and Season of the Witch
Two-time Razzie nominee Cage has a real shot if his Joel Schumacher thriller Trespass — which Cage dropped out of once and switched roles in twice — sneaks in a late 2011 release.

Um, this guy is the leader in the club house. These two movies were so shitty that even homeless people left the theater to go sleep outside. How the fuck is this a runner up? This guy is the Albert Pujols of the Razzies. Fuck this list. Heh. Pujols.

Kevin James, The Dilemma and Zookeeper
Zookeeper’s disappointing grosses suggest it’s no Blart. But James mysteriously retains some measure of good will.

THERE IS NO DILEMMA IN WHICH PERSON SHOULD GET THE RAZZIE. IT'S FUCKING KEVIN JAMES. How is he a runner up. Seriously. He's like the Albert Puj... I mean, Lionel Messi of shit movies. Watching 90 minutes of Kevin James has been proven to make you more willing to watch Glenn Beck, and Jeff Dunham SIMULTANEOUSLY. Fucking runner-up? What the fuck?

Ryan Reynolds, Green Lantern
Reynolds, too, seems widely liked among moviegoers, even if they don’t give a crap about his superhero movie.

He sucks, but not that bad. At least his hair distracts you from his pecks which distracts you from his acting. Don't know why we would put a CANADIAN in as a super hero. They don't have the GRAVITAS to complete such a move. YOU NEED BALLS CANADIANS. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

Anthony Hopkins, The Rite
Nominated for Worst Actor in the very first Razzies, in 1980, Hopkins has certainly been ignored for his share of howlers since then, so I’m not convinced he has the Razzie clout necessary to secure a nod for this minor thriller.

I don't know what this sentence is saying. He should be nominated for spelling "right" wrong though.

New This "Weak"

Two wide releases this week, neither one suffering the kind of toxic buzz that makes RazzieWatchers prick up their ears and take notice. Friends With Benefits seems innocuous enough, although creative voters might consider it a rip-off of No Strings Attached and make it eligible in the Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel category.

One note on Friends with Benefits. You don't capitalize "with." It's a filler word. It's like capitalizing "a" or "of". Fucking idiots. One more note. I cannot tell you how terrible this movie is for men with a girlfriend. I know it's going to suck, BUT WOMEN DON'T. And it's just sneaky enough to get you fooled into watching it. DON'T DO IT MEN. NUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL YOUR WOMEN THAT YOU ARE GONNA WATCH THE DARK KNIGHT FOR THE 4TH TIME THIS WEEK.

Captain America: First Avenger would have to be really terrible to even qualify as the worst superhero movie of the summer, much less the year, much less a Razzie contender. But a true Razzie fan is always dreaming!

ALWAY DREAMING OF A DAY WHERE WE CAN EAT MOTH BALLS. A DAY WHERE OXYGEN LEVELS SKYROCKET. A DAY WHEN CARPET BECOMES SOFT LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A SWIFFER. A DAY WHERE EVERYONE WEARS SNUGGIES TO BOARD MEETINGS.

On the "Bore"-izon

I had been on the fence about The Smurfs (ed: how?). Surely the presence of Neil Patrick Harris meant this movie would retain a modicum of wit (ed: eh?). Surely the Smurfs wouldn’t, like, play Rock Band and ride skateboards and say things like “No Smurf left behind!” or “I just Smurfed in my mouth,” right? (ed: only if that smurf just took a smurf load to the face. That would be funny) And thenthis motherSmurfing trailer came out, and I changed my tune (ed: itune to be exact). The Smurfs is now officially a contender!

WEIGHING IN AT 3 OZ, THIS SMURF. NOW WITH A CHANCE AT THE RAZZIE TITLE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. Yes John. I can believe it. Because it's THE FUCKING SMURFS. They weren't good in the 80's, the world was just too dumb to realize it. YOU FEIGNING HOPE IS AS RIDICULOUS AS ALEX MORGAN NOT MARRYING ME. THAT'S RIDICULOUS RIGHT. RIGHT? RIGHT GUYS?!

Dan Kois is a veteran Razzie guru and the author of Prince of Thieves, Guarder of Body: Kevin Costner in the ‘90s.

Wilt Stilts is a veteran FJMer and the author of Princess of the Night Walkers, Guardian of Bodily Fluids: Tom Selek in the '80s.

When a Long Shot is Your Best Complaint

2011-07-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

Are the Pittsburgh Pirates really in the National League playoff race? Are they still complaining?

If only this home run went further...

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is a city that has been dealt a royal fuck from the deck of sports cards. Can you believe a city that only has THREE championships in the last decade? Neither can I. Beirut has more championships that this city. Such a sad collection of athletics from this area. It's been a whole 2 years since they won a championship. TWO YEARS.

How can their statues NOT crumble underneath that type of futility. Two long years since the Penguins won the Stanley cup in 2009. They've been so bad for so long that congress has gone from democrat controlled to republican in the absence of a championship. They've been held without championship since the OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. Parks and Recreation had only been on television for ONE SEASON. It is currently in its THIRD. What a terrible length of misfortune for one town.

And let's be honest, hockey isn't even a real sport, so if you take that out of the mix, it's been a whole THREE YEARS since the Steelers beat the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. Three years. Oh the agony. Oh the humanity. We must call FEMA to clear this devastation of town moral that is Pittsburgh. How can people go on with day to day activities with such a burden strangle holding their sports lives.

If I was forced to live in the city of steel, I would not only be clinically depressed, but would also have attempted suicide on bridges over each of the three rivers outside of Three Rivers Stadium. If that didn't work, I would lace a bottle of Heintz ketchup with 40 Tylenol and down it like a jersey chaser downs James Harrison's cock. You know why? BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD BE IN RUINS.

To have such misfortune would only leave me to one conclusion: death. But, a glimmer of hope beacons in the distance. A chance to be brought back from the light at the end of the tunnel, and reincarnated AS A PIRATE. FORE TODAY, THE CITY IS VIBRANT AGAIN. THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES ARE IN FIRST PLACE.

*sounds conch shell*

Come my brethren. Feed on the success that has been so missed over the last many years. The darkness of this city has finally been lit, by the bright yellow jerseys of Andrew McCutchen and Lyle Overbay, bringing us from the basements of ruin, TO THE GLORY OF THE ATTIC, SITTING ATTOP THE CENTRAL DIVISION MANOR. WE HAVE DONE THE DEED. WE HAVE BECOME RELEVANT AS A CITY. AND WITH OUR NEW MAYOR, WIZ KHALIFA, WE SHALL RIDE MILLIONS STRONG INTO THE THE PEAKS OF PROSPERITY AND THE PLATEAUS OF PROMINENCE. WE ARE THE PITTSBURGH FAITHFUL.

Wilt Stilts is a master at sarcasm and has once said that "George W. Bush was the greatest president ever to grace this planet." Visit him at his website www.thiswebsiteisthebestevercreated.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

Of Men and Masks

2011-07-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday's WWE event keeps us guessin', and that's why we love it.

I'd vote fer these men for President. Well'um not the one on the right.

Everybuddy thinks they know how this match should-uh ended. Just like all us folk think we know how Barrack's time in office should end. At the hand of my riffle. I was sittun here watch this and mah jaw dropped ya'll. These here punk fellas was gittin' into my WWE business just like the government is gittin' into my taxes. STRATEGICULLEH.

There are just a few things in muh life that I like. I like muh beer. I like muh country. I like muh chevy. And I like muh WWE wraslin'. And these CM Punk guys here are messin' my Sunday's up. My normal Sunday starts out with an early mornin' goose chase, followed by gittin' to church like a good red blooded 'Merican. Just like my favorite radiah host, Glenn Beck, says, we must be gittin' back to our roots, that're rooted in Jesus. None of that faggot shit frum them liberals, thinkun we're from monkeys. Shit, I don't see no tail on my ass. No persun I ever knew threw poop at their more evolved counterparts. Not in my book, the Bibul.

And I dun don't like when mah books are gittin' rewritten, which is what is happenin' with the WWE. We can't have ourselves a new world order. No siry. I like mah things the same. I don't like these here tablet computers. I don't like this 4G wireless tichnology. I don't like to see them gays getting married. I like it good and old. I just want mah cuntry to go back to the good ole times when 'Merica had WWE Raw and a white man was in the office. I dun don't like this today 'Merica.

We have to fix this. Here's how we do this. We start by makin' a new land with all the suthern states and can call it Texico. We can sell those rights to Texico so we can pay off ur Debt to the chinamen. Then we git us some WWE. Call it WWE GOOD. Because it'll be good you see. Then we'll have new shows every day because it's sooo good. And then the econimy will boost on the back of Vince McMahon, who will be elected as Texico's president. And then we'll have Donald Trump as our Vice President, and they will wrestle every Tuesday on Nashunall television, on our only channel CMT. Problem solved.

Wilt Stilts colors outside the lines when talking about the American way. You can visit him at www.whitepowerstrip.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

The 25 Least Enjoyable Players

2011-07-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

Based on how much I want them to die.

Heh. Wat?

I've lived 22 years of NFL football, and have gained 22 years of grudges against people. The NFL is most definitely not left out from my grudge war. It's like the war against terrorism, in that it grows more and more each year. My hate spreads like Anthrax in a subway. At this point, I've become a hater of every player that is not on the Chiefs (my team of course), and even then I like to hate some of them.

With no further Freddy Adu, let's get into these douchebags.

25. Donald Driver - WR - GB
24. Ray Lewis - LB - BAL
23. Matt Hasselbeck - QB - SEA
22. Alex Smith - QB - SF
21. Max Hall - QB - AZ

Donald earns his spot just barely, because he is alway trying to take catches away from, and I quote "DAT NIGGA GREEG JENNINS." Ray Lewis stabbed his way onto the list. Hasselbeck's entire lack of entertainment puts him on here. Do something you ass. Alex Smith. His name is Alex Smith. SO BORING. And his tiny ass hands. Max Hall is on here because this wouldn't be a true hatred list without a mormon on it.

20. Tony Romo - QB - DAL
19. Jared Allen - DE - MIN
18. Matt Schaub - QB - HOU
17. Tom Brady - QB - NE
16. Willis McGahee - RB - BAL

Tony Romo is low, only because he was injured all last year and made the Cowboys go to shit. That is always a positive in my book. I'm tired of Jared Allen. It was fun for a while but he's just annoying now, like Epic Mealtime. Matt Schaub fucked my fantasy team last year, so he's now on here. Tom Brady is cool, but you have to hate him which is why he's in the middle here. Some would rate Brady higher, but I don't hate him enough. He's just too damn good. Willis McGahee is on here just because he takes touchdowns from Ray Rice. Stealing is illegal in America.

15. Peyton Manning - QB - IND
14. Jimmy Clausen - QB - CAR
13. DeAngelo Hall - CB - WAS
12. Bryant Johnson - WR - DET
11. Cortland Finnegan - CB - TEN

Peyton is in that same range as Tom Brady. He's good on SNL and shit, but that fucking face. THAT FUCKING FACE. You hate it so much. Jimmy Clausen also has a stupid face. That's really the only reason he's on here. I hate stupid faces. DeAngelo Hall is a fucking douche. He should be the best corner, but all he does is talk shit. Yeah, Showtime used to talk shit, but he was also FUCKING GOOD. Bryant Johnson is an asshole. There should only be one receiver named Johnson on Detroit and that is Calvin. Cortland Finegan can die in a fire. Hey asshole. IS IT BLACK OR IS IT WHITE. YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.

10. Jay Cutler - QB - CHI
9. David Gerrard - QB - JAX
8. Eli Manning - QB - NY
7. Mark Sanchez - QB - NY
6. Phillip Rivers - QB - SD

This group here is my group of most annoying quarterbacks. They all have something in common, and that something is their stupid faces (see above). None of them have a clue what they are doing most the time, and generally ride on the back of their offensive coordinators or team talent. Jay Culter is a pussy. Gerrard is totally incompitent and yet still starts. Eli Manning possesses 0 percent of the comedy talent that Pey Pey has. Mark Sanchez just plain sucks. Phillip Rivers is a religious nut.

5. Josh Freeman - QB - TB
4. Matt Cassel - QB - KC
3. Peyton Hillis - RB - CLE
2. Tim Tebow - QB - DEN
1. Steelers Roster

Josh Freeman is the bain of my existence. I'm from Kansas and go to the University of Kansas, and to watch him, back then, run around in the pocket for 19 seconds and get saftied was glorious. He was the epitome of incapable at quarterback. Now he's good? NOT IN MY BOOK. I WRITE MY BOOK IN PEN AND I WROTE THAT BOOK 4 YEARS AGO WHEN I SAW HIM LIVE.

Matt Cassel is one of my most hated, solely because he's terrible. Most didn't see him this year as the Chiefs were rarely shown nationally, but for me, I witnessed the shit he calls pocket pressence. Sure, he can throw to Dwayne Bowe, but who the fuck can't. Dwayne is 6'4" with mad ups son. Tell me, have you seen him throw to anyone not named Dwayne Bowe? My point exactly. My point set match.

Peyton Hillis is a douche. He was a douche in fantasy football. He is a receptor of love from douche rednecks. He is a douche for getting the cover of Madden. All round douche. And therefore I hate him. I aslo hate the city of Cleveland that voted him in for the cover of Madden. Congrats. That's the only thing your city will ever win.

Tim Tebow is about as obvious as it gets in the hate category. He's a virgin by choice? Fuck you. Fuck someone. Just do it. It feels really good. Why would God make it feel so good if it was so bad?

Not a single person from the Steelers is cool. I hate them all. Leader Ben Rapelithsberger is the worst. Rape is not funny, unless it's animal rape. That's funny generally because when it involves horses the man gets killed. HILARIOUS. Then there is Hines Ward who is a drunk. And I totally hate Mendenhall because he's not good. He just looks good. Someone explain analytically how he is good? HE'S NOT. THAT ANALYTICAL ENOUGH FOR YOU. I will never draft a player in fantasy from the Steelers. Never. Unless I plan on trading them because I got them for a good deal. Or Mike Williams. I like Mike Williams.

Wilt Stilts has played 6 or 7 different versions of Madden which is basically like playing the sport, so you know he's got credentials. Check him out at www.havearapeparty.com or at twitter @kberthusen

The 'Poor Jen' Problem

2011-07-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Aniston doesn't need your pity – maybe just a move to my pants.

"Oh hey guys. Yeah, this is how I normally sit."

Jennifer Aniston is very very famous. In fact, she may be the most famous female of the times in America. Name one person who doesn't know her and isn't an Amish. You can't, because she's fucking everywhere. And yet she's called a loser. By someone I guess. Someone who revels in pop culture stories from 2005.

People back in the last decade used to think that Jennifer was totally bagged by that Brad Pitt character. Who knew a Missouri grad would turn out to be a douchebag? That was so surprising to me that I almost didn't eat my fruity pebbles that morning, BEFORE I WAS GOING TO MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.

"Poor Jen"? Who the fuck came up with that and can you be hung? This bitch has been the bain of all men who date women existence since forever. She's been shooting Rom Coms out of her cooch and watching them die like Casey Anthony does babies. Pull her movies out of the public domain and we'd be 40% smarter. Jen's movies are literally filler. They fill time, by making you puke. I personally haven't watched one in forever, and don't plan on starting, but that certainly doesn't take her off the hook.

She's a terrible person. Terrible. Just fucking terrible. She's clearly baron, and doesn't want to date anyone because she has a vibrator and it does a better job than anyone can. But that's not what makes her terrible. What makes her terrible is the fact that she has given up on men AND NOT PICKED UP WOMEN. Come on. Whaddya say you make "Black Swan 2: Blacker Swan" where it's 20 years down the road and Jennifer Aniston (formerly Natalie Portman) and Courtyney Cox (formerly Mila Kunis) meet up and then ACTUALLY END UP SCISSORING. And they show it all. Like all of it. Because it's not really sex. Scissoring is like tubing compared to sailing the Atlantic.

Then we could feel bad for Jen. That's the point when we can feel like we had something to do with it. Telling her to keep her head up. Men are just assholes. Ignore those assholes. And then all of a sudden she's eating muff and people will be all up in arms. LOOK WHAT WE DID. WE MADE A MONSTER. SORRY JEN. SORRYYYYYYYYYYY.......

Wilt Stilts frequently contributes to the spank bank, and certainly has an image of Aniston locked up in high security somewhere. Can't tell you where it is because it's high security. Please visit his website at www.jenniferanistanbul.com or on twitter @kberthusen

A Summer Fairy Tale

2011-07-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

Three views on the FIFA Womens World Cup's exciting weekend.

GILF

Many of us men like to consider womens sports as a joke. Many times I myself have made fun of womens sports, and specifically the WNBA. But I'll be damned if one person makes fun of the US womens soccer team. After last year's mens world cup, and all its excitement, you'd think that this years womens cup couldn't compete. Then in the quarter finals it surpassed it.

I hate Brazil like a good red white and blue blooded American. They speak Portuguese and harbor Nazis. Those are two things I just can't stand for, and through said hatred, I found myself watching the womens game against Brazil on Sunday. The game was ho-hum, until those Nazi harborers paid off the refs to get a penalty in the box. Normally, when it comes to women, a penalty in the box has an entirely different meaning (yeast infection), but this time it ment that I would assuredly be pissed, as those World Cup host stealers stole a free shot on goal.

But the great and amazing Hope Solo stood in, and deflected the ball to the sidelines like Darrel Revis. It was amazing. She was amazing. But wouldn't you know it, in Germany the Nazi friendly Brazilians got another ghost call. Receiving a second shot, which some whore put it in the net. Fuck them.

But if there is one thing the US has, it is Hope. It's almost as if her parents named her this, just to make journalists jobs easier. Heads up to all parents who think their kids will be pro sports players. Name them something that corresponds with the english language. Hammer. Rod. Those are a few of the choices.

Anyways, hope was still there, even after going to overtime, and even after dropping down a goal in overtime. Hope was there, and with hope came opportunity, and with opportunity came...

FUCK YOU BRAZIL. FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU. Suck on that large throbbing Karma COCK. You can't even cheat and beat America. You wanna know why? BECAUSE WE ARE NOT AFRAID TO BEAR ARMS MOTHER FUCKER. OUR SPEECH IS FREE LIKE OUR MUSIC. THESE COLORS DONT RUN, THEY SPRINT. THEY SPRINT FASTER THAN 400 KENYANS THAT ARE JUCING. GO HOME AND ENJOY YOUR FAVELAS YOU SLUTS.

DIS IS AMELICAN FOOTBARR

Did you know Japan beat Germany this weekend? Ya, me neither. And it was their womens team, not the mens team out there. I mean, I'm not trying to be racist or anything, but can the Asian countries have their women grow their hair out. The only thing I can think while watching these teams is "You could be male. You could have a dick. So could this one."

I didn't watch this game, but the fact the Germany lost doesn't surprise me. Let's take a look back in the past. In World War II, which country fought longer? Duh, Japan. We had to nuke them. TWICE. These fuckers don't give up, and that should have tipped anyone watching this game. The fact is that Germany, even at it's best, can never beat Japan. The Germans would just end up getting tired after a while. When half your country is disavowed for not being of the Aryan race, you are not gonna have the talent to compete.

The Japanese on the other hand, they train their ass off. They play soccer 9 hours a day, and then study analytics of soccer of 12 hours. Then they hunt dolphins for 3. You can't put together a better soccer regimen than that. It's called dedication, and that dedication has put them squarely in the semis.

I dare you not to have a boner right now.

Some debate has been raging over which player from the womens team is the hottest. Everyone who says it is not Alex Morgan is wrong. She is hotter than the other side of the sun. Look at that picture above. See anything wrong with it? Nope. That's because there is nothing wrong with it. It is perfect. Look at that smile. Wouldn't you just melt if she did that to you in real life. I'm melting right now.

Hope Solo may be a close second, but she's getting up there in age. I'm not saying I wouldn't eat her pitch, because I would, I'm just saying that compared to the 22 year old Alex Morgan, it's just not the same.

Alex is a forward. That means she has an aggressive personality. The type of personality the welcomes S&M, and with all that soccer energy, there would be truck loads of sex. We are talking dump truck loads. I mean, it would be so much that you'd be faking an injury just to get a break. And you know what, I'm cool with that. I'd let her strike my balls any time she wants. From what I've seen on the pitch, she's got a great first touch on the ball.

On a side note: I never new how much innuendo you could produce from soccer until I watched women play. I'd argue that womens soccer is more fun that mens, solely on that reasoning. For example: "Hey Alex, lose the shin guards, and put on the knee pads." Good stuff. And girls with long socks are really hot for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because calves aren't hot, but legs in whole are. Something like that. I'm not a psychologist.

Wilt Stilts is a devout lover and great person in whole and would never leave you Alex Morgan. Not even for a day. For more, please visit him at www.alexmorganyoushouldmarrymeforeverandeverandeverandever.com or at twitter @kberthusen.

If I ruled THE WORLD HAHAHAHAHAH

2011-07-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

Our Editor and Chief and Monarch and Czar and President solves the NBA crisis.

Oy Vey! What a mess.

The NFL lockout has been a constant back and forth, arguing over the last crumble of the metaphorical pie. It's retarded. And I use retarded because it is exactly that. Cuba Gooding Jr. could have put together a new Collective Bargaining agreement while staying in character as Radio from the movie "Radio."

The NBA is not that easy. In fact, it would take a host of retards to try and solve this problem. If only we could somehow wire a bunch of retards together. Alas, there is no such technology. Therefore I, the smartest of all retards, shall develop my own strategy to fix the NBA's leaking damn.

Issue No. 1: The owners lost $340 million last season.

This one is simple. I know a thing or two about economics. Of course I should, I'm a business major. Here's the simple fix. Start lowering the APR rates. Trust me on this one. It totally worked for the Federal Reserve. Look at America now. Prosperous and boasting the highest unemployment rate in years. It's great.

You may ask, "how do you lower interest rates in the NBA?" Simple. The owners should just borrow the money from the players, at a low interest rate. This way, the owners now have a steady income that they can put toward new popcorn stands. The players get that added benefit of getting paid the interest from the owners. It's called the circle of life. Owners pay players – Players loan to owners – Owners pay players and so on. Hakuna Matata.

What Dave (David Stern) would tell the owners: Look guys. Trust me on this. You always take economic advise from a Jew. Everyone does it. Why not you guys. The players may have been one and dones from college, or not even gone at all, but the one thing they know is that racial and religious profiling is almost always right. Look at Lebron James. He's black. And he jumps high. We can all agree on that. And might I add, he has a large penis as well. See, profiling is awesome, and for Jews, banking is our thing. It's our shtick.

Issue No. 2: The players are currently getting too big of a revenue share.

This one is also very simple, considering it gets fixed in the first issue. Players are definitely getting paid too much, and that is draining the pockets of those poor owners. For most of these owners, basketball is just a hobby. Everyone has a hobby, but who loses money doing their hobbies? Almost no one. And therefore they need to get back in the black. or as AC DC would say BACK IN BLACK CAUSE I'M BACK IN BLAAAACK. The owners venture back into the black by getting cash loaned from the players, and then they turn that into awesome halftime shows, that bring in more fans, and then pay for more player salaries. It's flawless.

What Dave would tell the owners: You know what I'm gonna say guys. I'm a business man, just like all of you. We all went to prestigious universities and got high ranking degrees. We have millions of dollars, and yet, we still know the value of a dollar. That's because we were from humble upbringings. It's what makes America great. Starting out down and then rising to achieve greatness. We've all done it here at this table. Now let's do it again, by signing this 400 page paper. Here's a pin to prick your finger. That's right Dan Gilbert. Sign it with your index finger. No. Don't sign it all big like John Handcock. Yes, we know Dan, Lebron screwed you. No Dan, it is not metaphorically like King James of Britian and King James of the NBA. King James of Britain was performing limits on freedoms. King James of the NBA was exercising his freedoms. There there, Dan. Here's a tissue. It's ok. Let it all out buddy. Hey. Hey. Buddy? Let's sign this thing and go get some ice cream waddya say?

Issue No. 3: Guaranteed contracts are too long

Look, to be honest, at least 90% of the owners in the NBA have no idea what they are doing. When they sign someone, they are thinking they have the next Kobe Bryant, when really they just signed John Salmons. Signing someone to a 6 year deal should be limited to only the upper 1% of players. That is to say that the Dwight Howards and Kevin Durants should be 3 years or more. Anyone who is not going to be a franchise player should not have a contract over 3 years. That is why there should be a limit on the amount of years a team can dish out on contracts.

15 players are on a team at once. To limit contract lengths, that means there should be a cap on how many years are left on contracts remaining on the team. Let's just say 33 years for now. You can dish out those 33 years on any of the 15 players however you like. The bench could be almost all one year players. That would be 5 guys signed each for one year, totaling 5 years. Then you have come off the bench players. Another 5 players totaling 2 years a piece, making 10. That would leave a grand total of 18 years remaining to add to a starting lineup. You could dish that however you'd like. you want to give Lebron 8 years? Great. But then you only have 10 to give to the other 4 starters. Cool idea right? Yeah. I'm fucking awesome at ideas.

What Dave would tell the owners: I'm trying to help you guys. You are the ones with the money, and I intend to help you increase your money. How can you do that? By not offering Andrea Bargnani a 15 million dollar contract for six years. That's how. Instead, you can only afford to give him 3, and then you don't have a whale in your cap space for those last three years. Ya know. Someone told me *cough* Michael Jordan *cough* that to be great, you have to use your resources to their highest potential. With this plan, we could do that, but not having our potential suck out our recourses. We'd be secure. Almost as secure as a failing financial company in the US. But not that secure, because you could burn you rbuilding down if you were Citi bank and the Government would get you a new one. That's ridiculous. Right guys.

Issue No. 4 (in 3 parts): NBA superstars should make more money than they do; it should be easier for NBA teams to keep those superstars; and too many nonsuperstars make too much money.

I've already addressed this a bit in the upper paragraph. It's simple. Just don't be fucking idiots. Here's an idea. Don't sign Free Agents for more than 8 million a year. No matter what. Stern shouldn't need to baby sit you fucks. The owners are fucking billionaires. All of them. Saddle the fuck up and run your buisiness like a business. You are already cut throat, just fucking cut some throats already. Drew Gooden does not need 12 million dollars. He needs 3. Max. Even at his best time in his career. Stop being fucking stupid. I had a baseball coach once who had a great saying. "Don't be stupid." I like to add a fuck in there to emphasize your idiocy when you don't follow those guidelines. As for keeping Superstars on your team, the Franchise tag will be made. That way you can at least get draft picks if your shitty city is shitty and drives away your players.

What Dave would tell the owners: Let's just say that none of you guys make any basketball decisions ok? And are ya'll cool with a Franchise Tag? Yeah you are.

Issue No. 6: The NBA owners need to figure out revenue sharing before they can figure out a labor deal.

Don't need to explain this any further. That would just be redundant.

What Dave would tell the owners: Hey guys. Capitalism is great. It got us where we are today, but it also got us to where we are today. We're in, god knows, how many wars, and we have a lot of poverty. It's not good. You know what is good? Socialism. That old Marx wasn't too dumb. In his day he saw the potential for a Capitalist society crumbling and the people winning out. You know what, I want to spearhead that movement with the NBA. I want to be the first to embrace socialism in the US. I want to show the US people the way to a new society, by enacting an amazing revenue sharing plan that evenly distributes wealth to the shitty small market teams. It's the American thing to do.

Issue No. 7: The NBA owners need to get their house in order before they can figure out a labor deal.

To put that into English, what I'm trying to say is that this season needs to happen. Everybody is onboard hating Lebron. The NBA needs to combo that into another Finals where Lebron does his best to get as close to a championship as he can without getting one. It is a glorious cumgasm when he fails. I didn't even hate Lebron and the Heat coming into the season. But fuck (ha butfuck) was I ready to watch them fail miserably. Just fail in a way that even Amy Winehouse would witness and say "That was a terrible performance." There needs to be a season.

What Dave would tell the owners: Come on guys. Let's go out there and get this deal done. We want to make money don't we? Yeah we do. Everybody get their hands in here. On three. ONE. TWO. THREE. GO OWNERS!

Wilt Stilts is an NBA insider. He has watched the Finals each of the last 4 years without missing a single game except maybe one or two cause he had work or something. Visit him at www.nbanus.com or on twitter @kberthusen.

WHAT IS HE WEARING? - Djokovic, Jeter and Fowler

2011-07-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Oh my jesus guys. You cannot believe how bad these guys look. Like, I'm serious.

"I'M SUCKING GOD'S DICK"

Jesus. H. Christ. This guys must have been shopping at the Gap before this. White on white? What does he think he is? A ghost. Humph. This is such a breach in the code of conduct of clothes. Trust me on this fellas. You never wear white on white on white with a white wrist band. And what is the blue wrist band doing here? Is it to differentiate his hands from each other. Lord knows I forget stuff, but I always know which hand is my writing hand.

And can someone tell me why this girl would love him? He's ugly to the bone. He's like if you spliced Hitler with Stalin. He's also evil. That name is evil. Djokovic is not even grammatically possible in the English language. I know because I took two semesters of Composition courses.

"Not the first ball I've tried to grasp."

Oh my gawd. Talk about nationalism. I haven't seen this much pride since New York legalized gay marriage. This is stunningly unproper. It's like these jerseys were originally white, but someone put them into the washer with uncle sam and three bald eagles. Then there's the pants. EW! The stripes clash with the other stripes, and the stars are about as distracting as stars on the red carpet for a TMZ camera man. JEZZUS. And don't get me started on the hat. I might have a heat stroke.

"Chippidy do da, Chippidy day. My oh my I'm so wonderfully gay."

OH NO. THE TERROR ALERT COLOR IS ORANGE. THAT MEANS THERE IS A LIKELIHOOD OF .08% FOR A TERRORIST ATTACK. Oh wait. It's just Ricky Fowler. It's like a pumpkin, a carrot and Ernie Eiffel towered and made a baby. This outfit makes the sun jealous of his brightness.

I don't watch golf, but if Fowler was over shooting the greens, it's probably because the ball was trying to get away from him before its eyes become as useless as Hellen Keller's. I wonder if the glove is white only because the world ran out of orange dye to color his glove. Orange you glad you didn't buy this from Banana Republic. Even the Ivory Coast soccer team thinks this is too much orange.

This was a huge misstep by Ricky, and if he ever wants to win a major, he'll need to learn how to put together a wardrobe or buy sunglasses. GUH!

Wilt Stilts is not a fashion designer, but has watch at least one episode of Project Runway, and knows the ins and outs of the clothing world like a pen pal that you've only written to once. Visit him at his website www.fashionamonapia.com or @kberthusen on twitter.

The MVP

2011-07-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

What happens when the NFL season gets shortened. Things get weird.

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the Darrent Williams

In 1982, a place kicker was awarded the MVP trophy. This was all due to the simple fact that the league was in a lockout during the first part of the season, resulting in a shortened season. Fast forward 30 years and you'd be in the same situation as in '82, with a lockout looming for the 2011-12 season. Why is this important? Because the past repeats itself.

Weird stuff happened in 1982, and no doubt there will be weird stuff in 2011. Free Agency hasn't happened yet. It's July and mini camps should be springing up very soon, and yet they are not. It's so weird, that it wouldn't surprise me to see the players wearing weird helmets when they come back (to block concussions). But none of that is as weird as a place kicker winning the MVP. So, what will happen this year to the NFL, so that history repeats itself. It has to. It's the law, OF TIME.

I think I know. Tom Brady is going to come out of the closet. Not from his Louis Vuitton studded closet, although that leaves quite a hint on what closet he is coming out of. What I'm trying to say is that Tom Brady is gay. I'm calling it. And he's going to be so gay pride that the double rainbow guy would take one look at him a say "OH MY GAWD DOUBLE RAINBOW FLAG."

Why is this possible? Because gay marriage passed in New York, and everyone knows Tom Brady lives in New York. It shall happen. All because of the Lockout. See, when you're a closeted homosexual in the NFL, it is pretty hard to keep it closed I imagine. Lots of the greatest athletes around you and you are attracted to them. Thanks to the Lockout though, he hasn't had that constant stream of male spank bank flowing though his brain, leaving him weary of his wife. Therefore, as the lockout continues, the more and more likely he will come out of the closet.

Weird right? WRONG. NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. That is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. I think it is going to come out that Roger Goodell is actually a robot, created by the owners to control the league the way they want it, like a business. "WEAR. YOUR. SOCKS. THIS HIGH." "MASTERS SAY, DO NOT INCREASE PLAYER SALARY." "FOR DANCING TOO HARD IN ENDZONE, A FINE OF 200,000 CURRENCY."

I am entirely sure he is a robot. ENTIRELY. I've witnessed him maybe four times, and all four of them have been at the draft, and all four times he hasn't even considered an emotion. Yet no one suspects him. Silly public. Granted, he's a really good robot. He doesn't do the dance or anything, which would be sure tip off, but I know my robots. I had a Furby when I was a kid. Trust me on this.

BUT THAT'S NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. He's going to become sentient, and then side with the players some time in October. Then, the players and RoboRoger are going to team up against the owners. They will win of course, because they have a robot.

STILL NOT WEIRD ENOUGH. Then the players plus GooDell are going to go to Africa and save all the Africans from hunger and starvation (REDUNDANT). But, before they can, robot Goodell is going to have a meltdown because he's powered by nuclear energy, and he's in Africa so it's really hot. His cooling system is going to fail, and the Japanese are going to send their technicians, but they don't know what they are doing, and he's going to explode and destroy Madagascar, and Sri Lanka. It's going to be a very specific blast that blows up in the Indian Ocean. Why? Because it's weird. And then the players will fly back to the US and the NFL season will start ... in November.

JUST WEIRD ENOUGH.

Wilt Stilts has a small but very develolped part of the brain, allowing him to soothsay with ease. You can follow his findings at his website www.nostradominatrix.com or on twitter @kberthusen.