A blog about nothing.

Presented Without Comment: How To Teach Your Dog To Kiss Tutorial

2011-11-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-28T11:27:00.000-05:00

0.38 pretty much sums up how I feel about Hurricane Irene.

Shady. Butch. Queen

2011-08-24T15:13:00.001-05:00

Meet Ashanti Staten, resident of Alexandria, VA during yesterday's 5.9 earthquake and gave the most riveting account EVER!

I was devastated, I didn't know it was gonna come this far!

And just like that...the Caucasian diaspora out of Alexandria, VA into Washington, DC begins.

Get My Ass to WolfChase Mall!

2011-08-17T09:48:00.000-05:00

Via:: Dlisted
Do you want to look fascinating? Do you want a dude in an opulent suit who bases his entire life on Don Cheadle's character in After the Sunset to gently kiss your Scotty dog's nose before cackling as he plays the drums on his knees? Do you want to wear a sophisticated dress that makes you look like a third tier Yellow Pages escort who only shops at the one store in the mall that hasn't replenished their inventory since the late 90s? Do you want to bring up the image of Divine on the rag in people's heads when you tell them that you're fascinating dress came from Divine Rags?

The answer to all those questions should be answered with a blank "the roofie is starting to kick in" stare the chick on the right at the 0:34 mark is giving. Because she's obviously fascinated...or about to fall into a short coma...and wake up in a strange motel room. Same thing.

via Videogum

My New Hero...

2011-06-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

Kudos to this woman for teaching this young lady life's 1 lesson.

"There's two ways to own someting. Either earn it or TAKE it."

I don't blame him...

2011-06-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

I blame the adult that videotaped it and later uploaded it on Yotube. That is all.

I'm In Love...

2011-05-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

with this image a found on some guys tumblr page.

No need for Maury...

2011-05-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I wasn't going to comment on the Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal until I saw some myspace picture of his mistress labled "My Sexy Self." She is further proof of why you should always wear condoms. This lady is actually walking around thinking she is hot stuff. I wouldn't be mad if the whole Kennedy Clan and Oprah jumped her at the El Pollo Loco. Below, she is giving me the,"Bitch, I got ya man!" face.

In other news Maria Shriver came out Tuesday night to support her long term bff for the 3rd Day of the Women's Conference.

And then there was Treemonisha...and it was good.

2011-05-17T15:26:00.003-05:00

I had the displeasure of being introduced to Treemonisha while lurking over at C&D. Now don't get me wrong, I don't knock anybodies spiritual journey, but DAMN! The little jig she does for the church members of the Maia Campbell Church of God In Christ can only be summed up by this educated youtube users comment:

"Treemonisha was a play from 1910 about how education is the only way to help black people in America. This Treemonisha proves once again that with out education (the ways of God and singing), this is what we get. I don't want to judge the young lady, she could be Special Educated or getting high. I judge who ever didn't sit her down when she walked up there."

bradleydman

Reason #178780737 to own a car

2011-05-16T15:24:00.000-05:00

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! No, seriously all props go to the guy sitting beside him never making eye contact.

Would You Vote for him?

2011-05-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

Everything about this Asian endorsed ad for Dan Adler for Congress is wrong. Why must this commercial take place at a dry cleaners? Why must he add that his wife is also Asian? Why must Ms. Swan ask that question ~~that I still don't understand~~ at the end of the commerical? With all those questions being asked, I must say "Yes." He has my vote! But since I don't live in 36th Congessional District of California, I'll just give him a shout out on my blog. For more information go to: http://www.adler2011.com/

Working It Out

2011-05-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

Okay so I decided that I was going to do like Michelle Obama and twerk my way to fitness! I walk my dogs everyday, just about. I eat relatively healthly, with the exception of a an occasional McGangBang. But for some reason I'm finding it hard to get into the whole "movement" thing. This is partially due to my unwillingness to do activities that make me sweat and to the fact that I get major leg cramps. Soooo, I have discovered that I may have to just settle with doing some of the exercises in the clip above. I let you know how it works out.

I. Have. Nothing.

2011-05-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

So I'm going to let Dlisted explain this shit:

Seriously, I quit that bitch at the site of Mama Elephant tits. And you KNOW that Mama Elephant tits breast feeds him.

Once you get past homegirl's chichis that look like two baby elephants lying in a hammock on a hot August day, 29-year-old Stanley Thornton will tell you all about how he lives half of his life as a diaper-wearing, bottle-sucking man baby. National Geographic's "Taboo" spent some time with Baby Stanley and learned that due to a fucked up childhood filled with abuse he started craving a normal baby life that he never had. So Stanley built a crib that can hold a 400lb baby, used his disability check to buy Legos and doesn't feel at home unless Mother Elephant Tits is wiping his butt with baby wipes (insert terrencehowardperkingup.gif here). I know you're probably thinking that is just some kinky diaper sex shit, but Stanley says that he de-stresses from baby role playing.

We all have our thing that keeps us from going crazy and tying a weight to our ankles before we jump off a bridge. For instance, I sit on the toilet and pretend that Diane Sawyer is asking me about my life problems for a very special edition of 20/20. Some might label this as "weird." So how can I judge a grown ass man who willingly cacas into an adult diaper and feels complete when wet poop leaks up his back (copyright: Tina Fey) as he lays next to Mother Elephant Tits? I cannot judge him for this, but I can judge him for talking about it on National Geographic! The mothers in his play date group who bought Mama Elephant Tits' "oh, he's just a fast grower" excuse aren't going to invite them over anymore!

And if Suri doesn't put down the bottle, this might be her future.

via HuffPo

Michelle Obama drops down low and sweeps the floor wit it!

2011-05-04T09:05:00.000-05:00

Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to Alice Deal Middle School on Tuesday as part of her "Let's Move!" initiative, which meant dancing "The Dougie" and "The Running Man" with a bunch of tweens while Beyonce blared through some loudspeakers

Okay, those that know me know that "Get Me Bodied" is my favorite song to to when getting ready to go out to the club, in the car, and at the club, and after the club. So I was very delighted this morning to see that the 1st Lady Obama drop down low and sweep the floor with it! My oldest neice had the opportunity to meet Michelle last month at her school. Too bad she didn't teach Michelle how to Harlem Shake It.

Never Forget: The Perfect “Saddam And Osama” TV Funhouse Cartoon

2011-05-03T11:47:00.000-05:00

The death of Osama Bin Laden brings some degree closure to a number of different things, both real and symbolic (my submission to the 2011 General Sentence Awards!) Perhaps least importantly (but still a thing), the deaths of Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and the subsequent Twitter eulogy of the former means the merciful end of Osama and Saddam parodies, in all their forms.

About 90% of all Saddam and Osama jokes were, like 90% of all things, extremely lame, but once in a very rare while someone would just absolutely nail it, and unsurprisingly, Robert Smigel’s “Saddam & Osama” Saturday TV Funhouse cartoon was one of those things. Below, let’s watch the “Saddam & Osama” cartoon one last time, and close the book on a thick compendium of lazy satire with one perfectly absurd nod to two of the most-parodied caricatures in recent history:

Attorney Demonstrates Bat Sex For Thirty Seconds To Show How Crude It Is

2011-05-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

Since my Dad insist on making the entire family sit through baseball games every Saturday and listen to stories about when the Nationals were once the Senators and blah blah blah, I dedicate this post to him.

Here’s a video of attorney Gloria Allred describing the crude actions of an Atlanta Braves coach who taunted a group of fans in San Francisco with a series of homophobic taunts and gestures, for which he has been “placed on leave” while awaiting punishment.

Then at the end of the video, Allred — who earlier refrained from saying the word “ass” because of the children present — proceeds to re-enact the coach’s “Bat Sex” motion for THIRTY AWKWARD SECONDS, accompanied by deafening press conference silence (click the pic below to watch, gesture begins at the 2 minute mark):

“Kids, can you BELIEVE he was doing this? Can you kids? Well, can you? I mean, seriously, look at it some more. CAN you believe it? Like, really…”

BUT WHO GOT FIRED ON CELEBRITY APPRENTICE?!!!

2011-05-02T08:36:00.001-05:00

I believe Michael K. says my sentiments exactly:

According to Fox News, some ho named Usama Bin Landen (which sort of sounds like the name of a European socialite bitch arch rival of Alexis Carrington on Dynasty) is dead. They cut into Celebrity Apprentice for this news! Will Obama get to the announcement already so we can find out if NeNe chews off Star's head at the end of the board room while Dective La Toya giggles?!

And I really wouldn't be surprised if Obama comes to the podium and lets out a giant "Psych! I just wanted to cut into Trump again!" Yup, wig snatching Trump two days in a row!

I soooo would have preferred THIS...

Technical Issues

2011-04-29T08:23:00.001-05:00

Things will be a little slow at the website as I'm have testicular issues. Check back later today for an update. Until then sit back and watch the majestic moves of of the notorious Ices Brown. Shout out to my 63 year old co-worker who said she looks like a cute "Precious." (DEAD)

The New Face of Male Enhancement...

2011-04-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

West Coast rapper Warren G is the new spokesman for AffirmXL male enhancement pills and the star of a campy set of videos promoting the product...

Obama Releases Birth Certificate...Trump Releases Hair Piece.

2011-04-27T09:02:00.001-05:00

VIA:: HuffPo

The document indicates that Obama was born in the state of Hawaii and thus is eligible to serve as president. The release comes in the wake of some raising skepticism over his place of birth.

The president is expected to address the disclosure at 9:45 a.m. ET. Above, an image of the document put out by the White House.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

60 is the new 80!

2011-04-26T09:39:00.002-05:00

VIA :: Bestweekever

Using forensic computer technology and that face melty thing from the movie Minority Report, “scientists” (stoners) have discovered what Prince William and his wife-to-be Kate Middleton will look like when they are just about 60 years old. According to Splash:

Kate, who will by then be formally referred to as Queen Catherine, has physically fared a little better over time, although her grey hair and the forces of gravity and nature on her skin and bones are instantly evident.

Uh, yeah, assuming that in the next 30 years the girl doesn’t get any Botox or they don’t invent a scar-free face lift of blah blah blah there is no WAY she is looking this bad at 60. And out of curiosity, has Crest banned the sale of their White Strips in England? Or has the computer technology used to create this image just assumed that all British people’s teeth – no matter how Royal – will eventually look like broken candy corn at the bottom of your Halloween bag?

Best Anti-Aging Product...Ever

2011-04-26T09:21:00.000-05:00

VIA HuffPo Style:

As a young woman like myself, there are precious beauty milestones that will forever remain a part of you, or so I've been told. One that will never, ever leave the bowels of my brain: the first time I saw the Facial-Flex informercial on late night television.

The year was 2k6; I immediately called my mother into the room so she could witness the magical mouth-gear and myriad of exercises meant to firm the jawline in just weeks! I'm pretty sure she woke up my brother, father and our family dog and we all had a good laugh (while secretly assessing whether we could each shell out $38 plus shipping and handling for the glorified retainer).

Apparently -- and inexplicably -- the Facial-Flex has only gained in popularity since then. Introducing this lady of The Looseleaf Beauty Report. She gets really, and I mean really, into using her Facial-Flex, hitting her stride when the background music swells, even losing count because she's having such. A. Great. Time. The first minute of the video: mesmerizing. The remaining three: absolutely terrifying. But all worth watching!

I have no idea exactly what muscle this thingy is working, but whoever makes it to the end of the clip gets 1 complimentary Capri cigarette.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T11:28:00.001-05:00

The only thing more annoying than that Rebecca Black song ~~which by the way sounds like ANY Justin Bieber song~~ is this one, but I feel it fit for all those who went to church for the 1st time today in many many Sundays.

Favors Ain't Fair!

2011-04-22T12:22:00.001-05:00

Those who know me know that I am an avid animal lover, especially for dogs, so you see why I find obvious humor in this clip. I have two dogs both about the size of a Mcnugget from McDonald's and believe it or not people are actually terrified of them. Maybe their afraid that my pups might bite their pinkie toe or something. The real star of the show is the hot piece behind Favors with the flavor saver of a stache. Not since THIS have I ever seen legislative session look so fun.

Tennessee state Rep. Joanne Favors, Democrat of Chattanooga, did not enjoy encountering a "huge dog" in the plaza of the state Capitol earlier this week. Here she is shortly after her episode, just unloading on the floor of the House. Who brought this beast to the Capitol? Now her blood pressure's through the roof, thank you very much:

Favors said that she encountered a dog in the plaza while coming out of a committee meeting. "This huge dog was just coming back and forth, back and forth, and I was just so fearful," Favors said in an interview. The experience upset her so much that she felt the need to speak out on the House floor about her "extreme fear of dogs."

"I think it's so unfair that I have to deal with dogs, here in this plaza," Favors declared, adding that the experience had caused her blood pressure to go up sky high. "So I'm going to call someone tomorrow, to find out what I can do about it."

Tamar is a hotmess.com

2011-04-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so after much urging from a co-twerker I finally sat down and watched an episode of Braxton's Family Values and here's my verdict: HATED IT!

My main problem with the show is that the sisters are too damn old to be interacting with each other so much. Some of which I'm sure are probably grandmothers if not great-grandmothers themselves. It's like the Kardashians if they were black middle aged substitute teachers who dressed like day-shift hookers.

Oh, and Tamar who speaks in .com for whatever reason is clearly CRAZY.com!