CUPERTINO, CA—Farewell Project Titan, we hardly knew ye.

After more than ten years of development and ten billion dollars invested, Apple has finally pulled the plug on its electric car project.

But leave it to Apple to turn lemons into lemon drop martinis.

In a press release today, Apple has announced that the Project Titan group will not be disbanded after all. Instead, it is being renamed and repurposed. Meet Project Titanic.

Titanic’s mission is to pinpoint the fatal flaws that sunk the Apple car before it was ever finished. The goal is to create a blueprint for future product teams at Apple, helping them to fail in equally spectacular ways.

“Apple is so successful,” says CEO Tin Cook, “even our weak spots are strong spots. It takes a huge effort by so many people to fail on the scale of Project Titan, and I couldn’t be more proud. Project Titanic will challenge future product teams to build on Titan’s example.”

VP Kevin Lynch, Project Titan’s team leader, will continue his role as the captain of Titanic. “Project Titan represented Apple innovation at its best,” says Lynch. “Even when our budget was depleted, we invented new ways to blow through cash.”

“Titan was a huge tax write-off for Apple,” added Cook. “If Kevin can inspire just one more train wreck of that magnitude through his work with Project Titanic, I’ll be grateful.”

According to sources, other Apple teams have already been inspired by the Apple Car debacle. ““We haven’t failed nearly as well as Project Titan—yet,” said a member of the Apple Vision Pro team. “But burning through ten billion dollars is easily within reach. Some guidance from Project Titanic can only help.”

CUPERTINO — Apple’s Halloween Eve Mac event was actually scarier than we thought. Nothing we saw or heard was real. Every pixel, every presenter, every background was created by AI—perfectly replicating the monotonous drone of previous Apple events.

How? Why? In an exclusive interview, Scoopertino sat down with Apple’s semi-retired events guru, Phil Schiller, who took us behind the scenes.

Scoopertino: Let’s start at the beginning. What was the goal behind using AI? Why do something so radical?

Schiller: Our goal is always the same—to put on a perfect show. AI is the final frontier, so to speak. With the power of AI, we can be predictable and repetitive simply by pressing a few buttons.

Scoopertino: So tell us about the process.

Schiller:  It’s actually simple. AI mines past events to create an event template. Then we just plug in the new product specs and ask AI to vary the backgrounds and create the presenters. This way, we can unveil brand-new products but still feel mind-numbingly familiar. Classic Apple.

Scoopertino: You’re saying Tim Cook was actually an AI simulation?

Schiller: Correct. Creating an AI Tim was easy because there’s not much to replicate. We tried to make him more interesting by superimposing characteristics from our AI model of Steve Jobs, like hand gestures, IQ and wardrobe… but it didn’t work. Tim is pretty much doomed to be Tim.

Scoopertino: And the other presenters?

Schiller: Totally fake. AI creates names, bodies and voices as necessary, sprinkling different ethnicities as it goes. Diversity is important at Apple.

Scoopertino: And the real Apple employees are okay with you creating fake employees?

Schiller: No one seems to have noticed.

Scoopertino: Well, moving on… It makes sense that AI can build on a basic structure. But how does it so realistically emulate the look and feel of an Apple event?

Schiller: This event was a different challenge, given the Halloween theme. So we let AI do the dark lighting, throw in a few bats, and use clever phrasings like monster speed, wicked fast and big treat.

Scoopertino: Mm-hmm.

Schiller: With the first draft assembled, we all meet in the editing suite for what Tim calls the “perfection-izing” process. That’s where we can dial up and down an amazing range of effects.

Scoopertino: You’re losing me here…

Schiller: AI gives us control over hundreds of parameters like passion, humor, talking speed, facial expressions, hand gestures, even the hype factor.

Scoopertino: Hype factor?

Schiller: You know—Apple has a rich tradition of overusing words like amazing, fantastic and incredible. With AI, we can vary the superlative controls from “tasteful” to “overbearing.” When it comes to superlatives, Tim’s favorite line is “Turn it up to 11!”

Scoopertino: So AI makes it easer for Tim to be creative?

Schiller: Yeah. Double-edged sword. Left alone at the controls one day, Tim had AI give him a Dracula cape and Transylvania accent. We talked him down from that, but you might have noticed we let him have a very subtle set of fangs.

Scoopertino: Since AI made this event so flawlessly predictable, can we assume Apple will be actively promoting AI now?

Schiller: As you know, we need to own things, and we can’t own the term AI But give Tim credit, because he came up with something even better—Artificial Excitement. Nobody does that better than Apple!

Scoopertino: No argument here, Phil.

LONDON — More than two long years after design guru Jony Ive left Apple to open his own design firm—LoveFrom—he’s unveiled his first new work.

The jewel appears not only on the company’s home page, but high atop the roof of LoveFrom’s new London office. And it’s pure Ive genius.

The world’s foremost minimalist, partnering with longtime designer pal Marc Newson, has gone beyond product design, beyond images, beyond words, beyond even letters. He’s designed a whole new comma—and it rocks.

“This is punctuation, Ive-style,” said Art Directors Club president Nicolas Hamberry. “I don’t think we’ll ever read quite the same way again.”

It’s true. While garden-variety commas quietly ask readers to pause momentarily, the Ive comma stops you in your tracks. It’s a thing to be savored.

See it in action on LoveFrom’s website.

In the Ive tradition, the newly birthed comma is delightfully thin and light, gracefully curving with unapologetic precision. As described in LoveFrom’s press release, “The LoveFrom comma is our love letter to the world—minimal in form and even more minimal in function.”

Scoopertino was fortunate enough to get an exclusive interview with Sir Jony to discuss his new comma, his new firm and more. Here are excerpts.

Q: Let’s start with the name of your new venture. LoveFrom? What does that even mean?
A. The comma is actually part of our name, even though it can’t be used in the domain name. It’s LoveFrom with a comma. So the meaning is obvious: Love From Comma.

Q: Okay, then here’s a follow-up question: What the hell does that even mean?
A: Next question.

Q: Alright, then let’s talk about that comma. It’s remarkable!
A: We’re very proud. These things are always a puzzle. We stared for months at our company name, finally realizing that all it needed was a “complication.” That’s the comma. We call it the “Fromma.”

Q: But what led you to make the Fromma your first public work?
A: Marc and I wanted to focus on something we all use every day. For us, it came down to two objects—the comma and the period. In the end, we went with the comma because it gave us a bit more to work with.

Q: Now that your signature work is behind you, any hints on what’s next?
A: I’ll just say we’re not quite done with punctuation.

Q: Mid-sentence punctuation or end-of-sentence punctuation?
A: I can’t really say more at this time.

Q: You chose not to sign the opening statement on your home page with the company name. Instead the sign-off is “love and fury.” Why is that?
A: Your eyes are fooling you, mate. It’s “love and furry”—two r’s. I was having a bit of fun because so many people get on me about my stubble.

Q: Uh, no—actually, it says “fury.” One r. I’ve got it right here on my phone. See?
A: Oh wow… gee… typo. Sorry.

Q: Well, we thank you again for your time Jony. And the world thanks you for the Fromma!
A: Cheers.

SUNNYVALE — Phew. After years of complaints from Apple customers about perplexing product names, sanity finally returns.

Say goodbye to absurdities like iPhone XS Max and hello to clever, more creative names like iPhone 11S Plus Max Mini SE.

Armed with the rumors beginning to appear about the new AirPods Pro Lite earphones in the pipeline, Scoopertino cornered Apple’s Phil Schiller—who spilled the beans.

Here are excerpts from our interview.

SCOOPERTINO: So great to bump into you here at KFC, Phil. Let’s jump into it. Are we really going to get AirPods Pro Lite soon?

SCHILLER: Absolutely. You’re going to love them.

SCOOPERTINO: Can you explain the logic of the name? Seems a little odd, doesn’t it?

SCHILLER: It’s not about oddness, it’s about courage. Only Apple has the courage to name products like this. And it makes a lot of sense—AirPods Pro Lite will have the Pro features you love, minus a few features you might also love. So you get Pro, and you get Lite. Make sense?

SCOOPERTINO: But if you take away the Pro features, aren’t they just plain AirPods?

SCHILLER: You don’t get it, do you.

SCOOPERTINO: Do you see this logic carrying over to other products as well, like iPhone?

SCHILLER: Totally. You’re expecting an iPhone 11S Pro Max next year, right? If we add and remove a few features, we could easily create an iPhone 11S Pro Max Plus Minus.

SCOOPERTINO: Interesting. But I’m still a little fuzzy on one thing. What exactly is the difference between Max, Pro and Plus? Aren’t they all just shades of the same thing?

SCHILLER: I can’t get into the secret stuff.

SCOOPERTINO: What about the SE moniker? Those letters were always puzzling.

SCHILLER: Funny story. We were talking about making a “super exciting” phone, and it just kind of stuck. But with our expanded thinking, the door is wide open for LE products as well, for customers who prefer a “low excitement” experience. Maybe they have heart conditions or something.

SCOOPERTINO: So, uh, iPhone 11S Max Plus Minus LE?

SCHILLER: It’s a natural.

SCOOPERTINO: Interesting. What about Apple TV? A lot of people wonder where that’s going.

SCHILLER: Different product, same philosophy. If the Plus product doesn’t match your needs, wouldn’t it be great if you could add a few Minuses? Or even more Pluses? Maybe the right product for you would be an Apple TV +-+-.

SCOOPERTINO: Seriously? I guess anything’s possible then? Like an iMac Pro Plus Minus Max Mini?

SCHILLER: There ya go. Infinite possibilities = happy customers.

SCOOPERTINO: Well, a big thanks to Phil Schiller, Apple’s VP Worldwide Product Marketing, for taking the time to talk to us.

SCHILLER: Correction, I have a new title. I’m now VP Worldwide Product Marketing Minus Bolivia Minus Online Plus Apple Park Maintenance.

SCOOOPERTINO: Good lord.

Cupertino — First came frustration. Then mind-numbing boredom. And finally, excruciating torture.

According to the legendary recently-resigned Chief of Design, 27 years inside Apple was a “living hell.” Ive spills his guts about the dark inner workings of his former company in a soon-to-be-published Forbes interview obtained by Scoopertino.

“Every company has ups and downs,” says Ive, “Apple is just downs and downs.” His grievances started with the first iMac, which pulled Apple back from the brink of bankruptcy—and pushed him to the brink of quitting.

“I was passionate about the iMac shell being 23.5% transparent, but Steve emasculated me by demanding 24.1%. Can you imagine?” fumed Ive.

From that point, things continued to go south.

“One of our cafeteria light bulbs had gone a bit reddish, at 2500 Kelvin, instead of cool white, which everyone knows is 3120 Kelvin. I asked a thousand times to get that fixed,” said Ive in disgust.

Also sticking in Ive’s craw were the videos he recorded for most product unveilings.

“I was sick to death of the format—me on a white background. Tim rejected all my creative ideas. Me on horseback, me in a shark cage, me on Everest, and so on. The man has the creative instincts of a housefly.”

Some of his issues were simple matters of respect.

“I kept asking Steve’s assistant for an aisle seat at the product launches. Never happened. I was perpetually stuck in a middle seat, fighting Phil Schiller for the armrest.”

“It gets worse. With the hundreds of people I met daily, not a single one ever addressed me as Sir Jony. Commoners are so fucking petty.”

Apple’s Executive Committee didn’t make things any easier for Ive.

“After Steve passed away, I made a simple request of the Committee to build a Throne Room for me. They acted like my $500 million net worth was compensation enough. Such small thinkers.”

It got to the point where Ive looked for ways to strike back.

“My best bit of revenge was the cylindrical Mac Pro. Such a doomed design. It was like planting a time bomb!”

Once his exit is complete, Tim Cook promises that Apple will continue working with Jony at his new venture, LoveFrom.

“After being the bane of my existence, Tim will be the gift that keeps on giving. Honestly, I almost named my company CashFrom, because I’ll be milking this cow for years to come.”

To celebrate the newest Steve Jobs movie, we now pull this story from our dusty vaults.

Scoopertino Movie Review

Steve Jobs was impatient, demanding and abrasive — but it was nothing a good nap couldn’t fix.

That’s the takeaway from Tiny Tyrant, a major motion picture debuting Friday, which focuses on Steve Jobs’ early years.

Based on the bestseller, Boy King: The Making of Steve Jobs by British author Regent Altschiller, this new Steve Jobs biopic zeroes in on the Apple founder’s formative years — when many of his world-changing behaviors were just taking shape.

Think Anakin Skywalker, before he becomes Darth Vader.

Steve’s ability to lead is established early in the film, during a play date with three other toddlers. His parents are delighted by his crayon drawings — but they fail to notice that he’s directed the other kids to do the work for him. Watching those kids fume as Steve basks in the limelight is pure cinematic delight.

Encouraged by his parents to set up a lemonade stand on the front lawn, toddler Steve ends up creating a “walled garden” of lemonade stands throughout his neighborhood, taking a 30% cut of all sales.

But much of Tiny Tyrant’s action takes place in nursery school.

Here, little Steve perfects the ability to make other children cry, forcing them to do their finger-painting over and over again until it meets his standards.

He terrorizes his teacher, repeatedly telling her that she’s fired. When she sends him to the nursery school owner to be disciplined, he ends up negotiating a better financial deal for his parents.

Most impressively, little Steve finds a way to poach the smart kids from the adjoining class, swapping them for several of the kids in his own class — the ones he calls “bozos.”

It’s a joy to see a film that finally explores some new territory in the Steve Jobs saga. Thanks to great acting and writing, the young Steve comes across as a cute, fun, energetic kid — with just the right amount of The Omen mixed in.

The movie is rated R, so don’t bring the kids. It contains sexuality (there’s one graphic diaper-changing scene) and “threatened violence.”

Apparently, Universal Studios now sees gold in a series of Steve Jobs movies, and has already green-lighted a prequel to this prequel.

The next film, yet untitled, will examine the even earlier life of Steve Jobs — including his conception, gestation and ultimate journey through the birth canal.

Cupertino — Worried that your cool arm tattoo will spoil the fun of your Apple Watch?

Don’t.

Responding to reports that tattoos interfere with Apple Watch functions, Apple has acted quickly to allay the fears of its well-inked customers.

In a press release today, Tim Cook says, “Now you can have the best of both worlds — a gorgeous tattoo and a gorgeous Apple Watch.”

The ingenious solution? The Apple Watch Tattoo Redesign Program.

Here’s how it works.

1. Go to apple.com/tattoo.
2. Select an Apple-certified tattoo removal facility near you.
3. Make an appointment to have an expert burn away a small part of your tattoo in the shape of Apple Watch.

Tim Cook shows off his new set of tats — Apple Watch-compatible on both arms

As a bonus, you’ll receive an Apple Store Gift Card to help pay for the procedure. ($100 for 42mm designs and $75 for 38mm designs.)

If you’re thinking of getting a new tattoo, Apple has that covered as well.

A large selection of Apple-approved tattoos — each incorporating a blank space for Apple Watch — are available free of charge to registered tattoo artists.

“We love our customers,” says Cook, “especially the epidermally enhanced ones.”

To show solidarity with those who had felt disenfranchised, Apple is encouraging its employees to visit its new in-house tattoo studio, dubbed AppleTat.

Customer #1 — Tim Cook himself.

Apple CEO Tim Cook evaluates April Fools’ Day suggestions from staff

Cupertino — Eager to enjoy an Apple-quality prank on April Fools’ Day? Just pull out your wallet.

Visit the online Apple Store today and you can order your own iPrank — which, for a mere $9.99, will make you the butt of an Apple-engineered joke.

The beauty of iPrank is that you’ll never know when it’s coming, or what form it will take.

It might be an email notice of foreclosure from your mortgage bank. Or an iMessage saying a loved one needs you at the hospital immediately. Or an angry “Dear John” iMessage from your girlfriend. Or an unexpectedly brutal dressing-down by Siri.

A spokesperson explains that although Apple promised to keep your information confidential, it never said it wouldn’t use that information for a good gag.

The $9.99 iPrank will be sufficient humor for most. For high-end users, Apple offers a more sophisticated iPrank Pro for only $19.99. At this level, iPrank will monkey with your professional contacts and create fake OS X system disasters at critical points in your work.

“We’ve tormented users enough for free in the past,” said CEO Tim Cook in a statement. “iPrank makes far more financial sense.”

Cook also promised that next year Apple Watch will play a major role in Apple’s April Fool activities. “Imagine the laughs when you’re in a meeting and your Apple Watch says ‘Your heart rate is 160. Get medical help now,'” says Cook. “And that’s just off the top of my head.”

iPrank will be available until 11:59 Pacific time this evening.

Kim Jong-un demonstrates the first North Korea-made app, called “Launch Break”

Cupertino — Take heart, Jennifer Lawrence. It wasn’t Apple’s lax security that spilled your nude photos onto the internet. It was those pesky North Koreans.

Apple CEO Tim Cook broke the startling news this morning during a closed-door meeting with a group of analysts at Apple headquarters.

On conditions of anonymity, our source quoted Cook as saying that Kim Jong-un ordered the attacks on iCloud as the result of a grudge he’s held against Apple since Steve Jobs turned down his father’s request for a pre-release iPod back in 2010.

Since he took over as Apple CEO, Cook has received a series of escalating requests from the Supreme Leader. First Kim asked for a MacBook Air with Retina display (“We know you have them in the lab”), and then he asked that the Apple Watch be re-christened as “iJong.”

It was when Cook denied the MacBook Air request that the Guardians of Peace issued its statement: “Apple acts like mad rhinoceros in tropical jungle, greedily keeping toys to itself like a spoiled child in a hide-and-seek endeavor.”

In what now appears prophetic, the communique ended with the warning: “J-Law will pay for this.”

Cook says the iCloud security lapse is only the most recent act of aggression by North Korea. The renegade country has been responsible for the general crappy-ness of iCloud, the Apple Maps fiasco, the premature release of iOS 8.01, and the birth of Scott Forstall.

But help is on its way. In response to the GoP, an aggressive new group has formed independent of Apple. Calling itself the Guardians of Tim, this group is promising a series of retaliatory strikes, including a major leafleting campaign for Apple products inside the secretive state.

Behind the scenes at Apple, work goes on. With a major upgrade to iCloud planned for early 2015, the project team has been split into two. One is focused on the technology, while the other is tasked with finding ways to blame North Korea when it doesn’t work.

Cupertino, CA —

Beginning next month, special “Flex” models of iPad and Mac will take their place alongside the currently offered iPhone 6 Flex and iPhone 6 Flex Plus.

In Getting The Bends, a new video now viewable on Apple’s website, Jony Ive explains the extraordinary engineering behind the new Flex models.

“Apple’s amazing Flexibody design combines the look and feel of the world’s most durable metals with the foundational strength of Olive Garden-grade cheese ravioli,” says Ive.

Better still, with literally hundreds of stress points designed into every Apple product, you can be sure that the device you purchase will bend in a way that is uniquely you.

“Our customers have asked for more flexibility,” said CEO Tim Cook, “and that’s exactly what they’ll get.”

The full line of Flex products will begin shipping on October 22nd. Customers who would rather leave the bending to Apple experts may purchase a pre-Flexed model for an additional $99.