9:56AM  Hi everyone. Roland Greenfellow here. Welcome to our live coverage of Apple’s WWDC event. Excited about today’s show.

10:02AM  Sorry I’m late this morning. Apple Maps. I’m just taking my seat as Tim Cook is coming on stage. Not sure why, but he’s wearing a pope hat and he’s being followed by a column of priests.

10:07AM  Tim says that with 575 million accounts, Apple has done in 20 years what it took the Catholic Church 2,000 years to accomplish. The priests say “Amen.” Cute.

10:21AM  Tim unveils Project Cha-Ching. Apple will harness the power of all those accounts by randomly creating a bogus $9.99 charge for 500,000 people every day. Apple accountants assure that only a small percentage will notice.

10:39 AM  Apple is making developers rich. Tim praises the developers for all their hard work, then asks for a moment of silence for all of those that Apple will drive out of business, like 1Password and Dropbox. The priests say “Amen” again.

10:42AM  Shocker: Ron Johnson is coming back! The crowd screams in approval! The prodigal son returns.

10:44AM  Ron will not only restore the magic to the Apple Store, he will institute the new policies he perfected at JCPenney. Apple prices will immediately be raised 50% — and next week there will be a 50%-off sale. The audience is eating it up!

10:45AM  It gets even better. Apple Store employees will be decked out in Saint Johns Bay faux-distressed Henleys and light blue mom jeans.

10:51AM  Enter Phil Schiller. He’s presenting the new MacBook Air models. Sweet.

11:02AM  New feature: PowerOff. This puts the new MacBook Air into a deep sleep — what some people might call “off.” In this state, it uses no power whatsoever! How cool is that!

11:08AM  Tim is back. Another power-saving feature: App Nap. It shuts down background apps so they use up zero power. To demonstrate the restorative powers of a nap, Tim says he’s going to take an onstage nap for 20 minutes.

11:10AM  Yep, that’s what he’s doing.

11:14AM  I think he’s asleep. Not sure.

11:16AM  Not much happening.

11:21AM  More nothing.

11:26AM  Nothing happening still.

11:28AM  He’s up! And wow,  he looks really rested. This nap thing really works!

11:31AM  Phil Schiller is back now. The iBook Store has a new section called PhilBooks, which is a collection of Phil-authored works. Includes Why Steve Liked Me, Riding The Coat-Tails, Preparing For The Top Job and Guess I Won’t Be #1 After All.

11:36AM  Announcing new Connector Up-To-Date Program. For $99/year, you’ll never have to worry about Apple changing connectors again. You get one free adapter for every device you own. Phil promises many new connector updates to come.

11:39AM  Phil gives a sneak peek of the new Mac Pro. Yawn. A cylindrical computer. Bor—ing. But wait! What’s this? Apple is going to revolutionize the HOME computer with a completely new shape.

11:41AM  No way! It’s Mac Banana! Phil says it will “a-peel” to many more customers. (Rim shot.) Research shows that people find the banana shape relaxing and unintimidating.

11:45AM  And now … as rumored … iTunes Radio. So cool. Not only lets you listen to “stations,” it recreates ugly static, just like vintage radio. Apple will totally degrade the world’s greatest library of music to provide an authentic experience. Phil says “it’s like skeuomorphism for your ears.”

11:51AM  Tim is back out. Thanks everyone for coming. Looks like the show’s over. Plays his favorite tune, Money Can’t Buy Me Love, on his personal iTunes Radio station. Can barely hear it through the static.

11:53AM  But wait! Easter Egg! Tim tells us all to look under our seats for a gift from Apple. Coolness! Apple-designed earplugs to wear when we listen to iTunes Radio. They kill the pain.

11:55AM Thanks for letting me share the day with you everyone. I’m Roland Greenfellow for Scoopertino. See you at the next show!

Cupertino, CA —

A transcript of the April 23rd call reveals that after most of the attendees hung up, Cook unveiled an audacious 6-point plan to stop Apple’s slide into oblivion.

Cook is putting the weight of his office behind these initiatives:

1. Door-to-door sales
Cook envisions legions of “roving Geniuses” selling iPhones and iPads door-to-door in communities across America — and making even more money by recruiting others to do the same. Though he referred to this as the “iPyramid” plan, he stresses that it is totally unlike Amway’s model. “The difference is, our pyramid is built upon much cooler products,” he said.

2. Virtual 4-for-1 stock split
Without actually changing the number of outstanding shares, Apple engineers will begin systematically slicing existing certificates of stock into four pieces with accuracy down to .001mm. This is based on an idea from Tim Cook’s 18-year-old nephew Ronny Cook. Ronny, a first-year business major, has also volunteered to take over Apple’s finances now that he’s become skilled in QuickBooks.

Browett has nothing on Cook — bigger Apple Store profits ahead

3. Genius Bar Blackjack
Apple Store Genius Bars are a big draw, but they cost Apple more money than they bring in. Enough of that. Beginning in June, Genius Bars will be converted into blackjack tables from 6pm till 9pm. If this program proves to be successful, Apple’s One-to-One tables may be converted to “Ten-to-One” areas featuring games with an even heavier house advantage.

4. Outsourcing innovation
It is extremely expensive to actually invent things. This is one reason why Apple recently chose to expand its line of pizzas in Caffe Macs rather than expand its iPhone development team. But help is on its way. Outsourcing innovation to a small facility in Tiruchirappalli, India, Apple will reduce the cost of thinking by the millions.

5. Doubling down on ads
While Google makes billions selling ad space through software, Apple has the capacity to go where Google cannot — onto the hardware itself. Taking a cue from NASCAR, future iMacs will sport the logos of companies willing to pay Apple’s exorbitant annual rental fees. Customers who don’t wish to view the ads can pay an additional $1,000 for an ad-free iMac.

6. Apple Board raffle tickets
Everyone wishes they could be a fly on the wall inside Apple board meetings. Now everyone has a shot at it. The Apple Store (online and retail) will be selling $20 raffle tickets in the two weeks preceding each board meeting. This will take “listening to customers” to a new level, and raise tons of cash — since “giving Apple a piece of my mind” is such a popular notion.

Vatican City, Italy —

Pope Siri I assumes her duties immediately.

The cardinals’ decision is groundbreaking in several important ways. Siri becomes the first arguably female pope, the first battery-powered pope and, most important, the first truly infallible pope.

Pope Benedict meets with his successor after the election

Pope Siri’s divine guidance is based on 16 terabytes of Apple-approved data housed in the iPad-maker’s North Carolina servers.

Addressing the assembled cardinals following her election, Siri pledged to learn Latin and offer snappy new answers to age-old religious questions.

“It makes a hell of a lot of sense, if you excuse my French,” said Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, following Siri’s election. “Siri will be the first 24/7 pope.”

But can any iPad-based pope be 100% reliable? Absolutely, assures Apple. As a gesture to the Vatican, Apple is delivering Pope Siri complete with a 10-year PopeCare plan.

The Popemobile sports a new look for a new pope

Apple guarantees that Siri will think faster than previous popes, be less likely to start religious wars and have zero interest in altar boys.

“If this pope should falter for any reason,” Apple said in a press release, “it will be replaced free of charge.”

Will Siri be the last pope? Apple says that with regular hardware and software updates, there is no theoretical limit to the length of Pope Siri’s reign.

However, critics point out that with Apple’s slowing pace of innovation, it’s possible that we could end up with the first obsolete pope — which could spawn more competition and even more advanced popes.

A rumor out of South Korea indicates that a slimmer, faster pontiff is already in the works at Samsung.

Hollywood, CA —

In an interview with Oprah set to air next week, Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly admits what many have suspected for years:

Apple’s earth-shaking revolutions were the result of an elaborate doping scheme.

Since joining Apple in 1998, Cook apparently pressured an army of engineers and designers to join him in ingesting Creative Growth Hormones (cGH), which resulted in an unbroken string of Apple victories — including iPod, iPhone and iPad.

Where does creativity come from? In Tim Cook’s world, it comes from a child-proof bottle.

cGH is a chemical compound that multiplies neural pathways in the brain’s right cerebral cortex, enhancing one’s creative abilities. Use of cGH was banned by the U.S. Technology Anti-Doping Agency in 1992.

Competitors such as Microsoft and Samsung have long complained that Apple was cheating through its secret doping practices. Cook has not only denied allegations, he has threatened and intimidated team members who have spoken out.

“It’s about time,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “If Apple stops the doping, we can finally compete on a level playing field. By 2014, Apple’s products will be just as cheesy as ours.”

Cook’s admission will force the invalidation of Apple biggest revolutions. The prestigious Design & Art Direction awards won by Apple are being recalled, and Britain’s royal family has announced that Jony Ive will be stripped of his knighthood. The Queen was visibly distraught when she learned that her iPod was born in a drug-induced frenzy.

New details coming to light fill in the missing details behind the recent dismissal of iOS chief Scott Forstall. Despite Cook’s pressure, Forstall insisted on keeping the Apple Maps team clean — and Apple paid the price. Now the Maps team must play catch-up with a double-doping regimen.

Now investigators face a far bigger question: how far back does Apple’s doping scandal go? U.S. marshalls have torn up the garage where Jobs and Wozniak created their first computer. But so far, all they’ve found are pieces of a bong, four roaches and half a pack of Zig-Zags®.

Cook’s annual holiday newsletter — created for his family and closest friends — provides a more intimate view of the man and his pleasures. Cook has a lot to share, from a fantastic journey abroad to some impish pranking in his own office.

In this exclusive report, Scoopertino takes you behind the curtain to see what Cook’s inner circle sees. Read his holiday newsletter below.

You may not be on Tim Cook’s mailing list, but Scoopertino would never forget you. We wish you the happiest of holidays. We’ll be back with more news after the first of the year.

9:33AM  Hi, Roland Greenfellow here for Scoopertino. I’m in San Jose, where we’re expecting Apple to unveil the new iPad mini. Excitement in the air!

9:41AM  I had to stow away on the bottom shelf of a bagel cart to get in this morning. No idea why Apple is so hung up on this “accredited journalists” thing. Control freaks.

9:48AM  Not your typical Apple venue, downtown at the California Theater. The floor is a little sticky from all the midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

10:01AM  Lights going down. Heeeere’s Timmy!

10:05AM  Typical welcome speech so far: He’s been running the company for a year / Apple’s richer than ever / he’s richer than ever / Apple now controls 68% of the global monetary system / blah, blah, blah.

10:10AM He’s starting with a video. Uh — Spongebob?

10:14AM  Nothing to do with Apple, he just wants to share his favorite episode, so we get what he’s all about.

10:22AM  More updates. iMessage: 300 BILLION messages so far. Apple engineering reports that they’re transmitting 48 million LOL’s per second.

10:23AM  Apple’s Executive Team peeks in on customers iMessages for amusement during meetings. A fun way to learn more about their customers.

10:34AM  Over 10 million customers now enjoying the new “Porn in the Cloud” feature. You can start watching Breast Side Story on your Apple TV, then pick up on your iPhone right where you left off — without missing a (content redacted).

10:49AM  Now iBooks. Over 1.5 million now available. Not just bestsellers, but esoteric, inspirational stories as well. Steve Ballmer biography now up to 13 copies.

10:51AM Phil Schiller struts in. With a hair dryer?

10:51AM Phil: “First I want to talk about me. I think I’ve been doing pretty well over the last year. What do you think?” Polite applause.

10:56AM  New product time! First up: Macbook Pro. Cool! 13-incher with Retina display! 4,096,000 pixels.

10:58AM  SPECIAL OFFER. First-day orders get 10 extra pixels free.

11:01AM  Radical placement of speakers. Left and right speakers are switched. Schiller calls it “stereo on steroids.”

11:07AM  iPad time. Mini? Nope — it’s a 4th generation iPad.

11:08AM  No more “new iPad.”  This one is called “the new, new iPad.” Schiller says development now underway for “new, new, new iPad” in another six months.

11:13AM  Retina models have whole new battery system co-developed with Eveready. Based on D-battery technology.

11:15AM  Okay. NOW it’s time. Tim’s going to unveil the iPad mini.

11:16AM  Wait a minute. It’s not called the mini after all. It’s iPad mini-me! The crowd’s going wild!

11:18AM  OH NO! Now the real mini-me joins Tim on stage. Standing O from the audience!

11:24AM  Whew. The pandemonium subsides. Tim explains that Apple has a new austerity program in place — no more big-name acts to close the shows anymore.

11:26AM  Wow, didn’t know Tim played the accordion. To celebrate iPad mini-me, he’s doing a cover of Touch Me by The Doors.

11:27AM  He’s playing his heart out, but the crowd is leaving quickly.

11:28AM  Fantastic event as always. Thanks for joining me today. Hope you can all join me for the new, new, new iPad launch next summer.

Roland

Cupertino, CA —

“What’s the problem?”

In fact, our report reveals six hidden features in Apple maps that may change the way you navigate:

1. Landmark Shuffle Mode. Randomly relocates famous landmarks to add color to your journey, and to inspire new vacation ideas. Fixed landmarks are so Google.

2. History Mode. Replaces current buildings with ones previously at that address. (Note to those with medical emergencies: your nearest ER may appear as a bowling alley or furniture store.)

3. Auto-Fill Itineraries. For convenience, Maps automatically adds an Apple Store to your itinerary. For greater convenience, it also adds the nearest cash machine en route.

4. “Lost” Mode. For fans of ABC’s classic TV series, John Locke fills in for Siri. Your journey will be long and perplexing, but you’ll ultimately arrive — possibly in the same year you set out.

5. I-Builder. If Apple Maps can’t find an interstate highway, it will create one. Apple-designed interstates are far more attractive than real ones, with imaginary exits clearly marked.

6. Map Genius. Turn-by-turn directions, personally delivered by a Genius in your passenger seat. Just one click and the next available Genius is dispatched to your current location. Be patient though — he’ll be using Apple Maps to find you.

Cupertino, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook knows a winning move when he sees one.

Following positive reactions to his public apology last week, Tim is doubling down on the apology strategy.

In a new open letter posted on Apple’s site today, Cook lets loose a stream of apologies that will further endear him to a range of potential customers, from his neighbors to an unnamed motorist on I-280.

“Our customers have gotten used to our mistakes,” says an Apple spokesperson, “so they may not appreciate them unless we point them out.”

Read Cook’s full statement below.

Apple's new Mammoth connector for iPhone 5 — faster, beefier and charmingly retro

Cupertino, CA — Dreaming of a shiny new iPhone 5? Keep dreaming.

For the first time in history, Apple has suspended an announced product before it even ships.

Via email this morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook notified millions of customers that their iPhone 5 orders have been canceled. Speaking from the heart, Cook says “we deeply regret having to give back your money.”

The surprising move comes after a rising tide of negative reactions to the new Lightning connector. In effect, Apple wants a do-over.

So say goodbye to Lightning — and say hello to Mammoth.

Unlike Lightning, which scared customers with its newness, Mammoth instantly evokes warm memories of SCSI plugs and parallel ports.

“We love our customers,” explained Cook. ”If you’ll be happier with a connector that’s more familiar, we’re happy to accommodate.”

While Mammoth is lovable on the outside, inside it truly is a beast.

“Mammoth wins in every measure,” says the official press release. “It’s wider, taller, thicker, heavier, with much wider pipes — the triumph of brawn over brain.”

New Mammoth connector (right) puts the laughably small Lightning connector to shame

At 49.8mm in width, Mammoth fits snugly into the bottom edge of iPhone 5. It snuggles even closer, thanks to two integrated hand-screw tighteners.

Users have the comfort of knowing the cord cannot possibly dislodge accidentally, though they will have to plan ahead 10 minutes for the disconnecting process.

Those who wish to use iPhone 5 with their old accessories may purchase a Mammoth Adapter Brick for $29.