Redmond, WA —

Last week Steve Ballmer resigned as Microsoft CEO — and launched his new career as a stand-up comic.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is standing behind the stand-up. “It’s a logical transition,” says Gates. “If he does exactly what he did as the face of Microsoft, he’s going to knock ’em dead.”

For his new career, Ballmer has rebranded himself as “Stevie” Ballmer, and his first concert was a sellout. But he’s going to tread lightly at first, sticking to his “tried and true” material. Fan favorites include his famous “laughing at iPhone” interview and the spectacular “monkey dance” routine which has been put into service as Stevie’s raucous show-closer.

Due to Stevie’s overactive sweat glands, the first two rows of each concert are designated as a “splash zone.”

“I’ve dreamed of this ever since I was a kid,” says Ballmer. “I was lucky enough to get paid for rehearsing all of these years with Microsoft.”

As usual, Ballmer is serving as an inspiration to others. Now planning to follow in his footsteps are former Research In Motion co-CEOs Jim Basille and Mike Lazardis. They’ve been grooming their Abbott & Costello-like routine for several years, and are eager to get live audience feedback. “If one man can turn failure into a comedy act, we can do that twice as well.”

Dell CEO Michael Dell was said to have considered a similar career path, but he’s likely to stick to his side job as Apple jester.

Cupertino, CA —

With its new iBalls technology, Apple has created superior eyes. Once installed, iBalls allow you to choose between five different modes of vision: normal, microscope, telescope, wide-angle and sepia.

Even better, iBalls allow you to take 8-megapixel still photos with one eye, 3D photos using two eyes, and upload a 24/7* video record of your life to iCloud in glorious 1080p.

But uploading is only part of the story. iBalls can also tap into your iTunes account to retrieve movies and TV shows, allowing you to be entertained in the privacy of your own head. It’s the perfect solution for boring business meetings, church services and family functions. (HBO is available at an additional cost.)

As Apple’s press release puts it, “What would you rather do — sit through a two-hour business meeting or watch Star Wars Episode IV? With iBalls, the choice is yours.”

Even if you never use the technology built into iBalls, you’ll feel better about yourself. iBalls let you choose from a palette of five colors, so you can finally get rid of the boring peepers you were born with. You can even mix and match to create your own unique look.

iBalls are installed by a higher level of Genius Bar employee — the iGenius — who is Apple-trained to ensure a smooth upgrade. Reservations are available online for the 20-minute procedure.

iBalls have an initial cost of $999 each and require a $59/month subscription. Both natural eyes must be removed prior to installation — but if you have limited funds, you can start with just one iBall, then use the optional iPatch ($49) to cover the vacant socket.

Those who default on their iBalls subscription will lose all functionality, including basic vision. However, in these cases, Apple will provide iBraille training at no additional cost.

* Sleep time not included.

Cupertino, CA —

Today Apple announced that it’s getting out of the revolution business. In effect, the company has decided to “take the money and run.”

According to CEO Tim Cook, Apple just faced the biggest decision in its history. Now valued at over $400 billion, with a cash reserve of over $98 billion, it could keep spending time and money creating things — or it could simply cash out and live off the interest.

“I don’t have to think too hard about that one,” says Cook.

Effective immediately, there will be no more iPhones, iPads, iPods, iMacs or iAnything. Without ever touching the principle, all Apple employees will continue to earn their current salaries for the rest of their natural lives.

Cook has already issued a memo to employees that life on the inside won’t be all fun and games. He estimates it will be about 99.4% fun and games. Those on the payroll will still be required to spend a little time logging their hours.

Already, hundreds of delivery trucks have been spotted at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters unloading ping-pong and foosball tables, music systems, telescopes, archery equipment and mechanical bulls.

Construction has begun on several Olympic-sized pools inside 1 Infinite Loop, ringed by hundreds of employee cabanas.

All Apple Stores are being converted to Apple Lounges, where employees may relax and play table games in a friendly atmosphere. At long last, the Genius Bar will live up to its name — serving wine, imported beer and signature cocktails.

Recognizing that severe change can cause confusion, Cook promises that new signage will be installed on Apple property, clearly pointing the way to designated disco areas, gyms, mini-golf courses and tanning salons. Most important, he urges employees never to forget Apple’s creative roots — challenging them to dream up new and exciting ways to fritter away their days.

However, Cook does give one stern warning: Any employee caught doing actual work will face immediate termination. Once terminated, they will lose all cabana privileges and be forced to live on 100% of their salary in perpetuity.

Cupertino, CA — Think Siri is all talk and no action? Think again.

Targeting lovestruck Siri fans, Apple today launched Siri Pro — at long last giving that little vixen Siri a unique and accommodating physical presence.

Whereas the Siri included with iPhone 4S can only go so far with her flirtation and innuendo, Siri Pro is designed for a more fulfilling relationship. She’s a fully functional pleasure-bot, sexier than a MacBook Air and more seductive than an iPad.

The inspiration for Siri Pro came from the Siri servers currently in operation. Over 65% of the questions and commands put to Siri by iPhone 4S owners indicate the user’s desire for a deeper bond. Top interactions include: “Will you marry me,” “Can I buy you a drink” and “I want to have your robotic children.”

“When we say we listen to our customers, we’re not kidding around,” says Apple worldwide marketing chief Phil Schiller.

Siri Pro is available at the Apple Store for $999 (32GB) and $1,299 (64GB). Alternate personalities — Streetwalker, Catholic Schoolgirl, Nurse — are available via the App Store for $9.99. Aluminized lingerie is sold separately.

Lancaster, PA —

Apple, the technology company best known for simplicity, is now targeting the community best known for simplicity. Welcome to the Amish Apple Store, now open in Lancaster, PA.

“This is a no-brainer,” says Phil Schiller, head of Apple’s marketing organization. “Apple puts a lot of effort into making technology ‘disappear,’ and so do the Amish. Cha-ching.”

According to sources, Apple expects about 75% of its Lancaster sales to go to people who have no intention of ever opening the box. Apple’s shrink-wrapped boxes (iPods and iPhones in particular) are bound to become popular paperweights, doorstops and building blocks for the children.

Apple's mobile technology is a perfect match for Amish mobile technology

However, electricity is not entirely shunned amongst the Lancaster Amish. Though they have traditionally refused to connect to the public power grid, they do use locally produced electricity.

Because of this loophole, the lights will indeed be on in the Amish Apple Store. Between six and ten oxen on Apple-designed treadmills behind the store will generate enough power to keep a number of i-devices functioning throughout the day.

Of course, Apple is not oblivious to the local culture. To better connect with the Lancaster customers, the Genius Bar has been replaced by a Buggy Bar, which offers repair service and one-to-one guidance for all types of mobile devices — including the horse-drawn buggies commonly used by the Amish.

Apple has also created special straw-textured earphones for use with its i-products, allowing buyers to plug in discreetly. As a lure for new customers, a new Amish section on iTunes will feature classic barn singings from Amish communities all over the country.

London, U.K. — The knighting of Apple design chief Jony Ive sent cheers of delight around the Apple universe. But it didn’t take long for the dark clouds to appear.

A Scoopertino investigation reveals that Ive’s knighthood is actually the result of a secret back-room deal between Apple, the Royal Family and the highest levels of British government.

In return for allowing Jony Ive to accept his knighthood, Apple negotiated concessions that will allow it to sink its hooks deeper into the British culture.

For starters, Sir Jony Ive himself will redesign Big Ben to reflect Apple’s superior aesthetic sensibilities. The stodgy 153-year-old landmark will soon be covered by a shroud —and when that shroud is removed on June 1, 2012, Big Ben will display time, date, weather and battery status.

Yes, battery status. Once the aging guts of Big Ben have been removed, there will be ample room for Apple to install a large lithium-ion battery. In the event of a power outage, Apple promises that renovated landmark will continue to function for up to seven days.

Apple's improvements to the British pound will save in production costs

“Apple is all for tradition,” Ive recently said to our source. “But honestly, Big Ben is just a visual train-wreck. It needs to be more user-friendly.”

The tower will also provide Wi-Fi and Bluetooth to passers-by, for which Apple will collect a small fee.

In addition to the Big Ben renovation, Apple will also redesign the British pound to incorporate the famous “bite” that appears in Apple’s logo. This will not only keep Apple top-of-mind, it will save the Royal Mint  17.6% in the cost of metal to produce the coins.

“It’s also a more accurate representation of the actual value of the pound,” added Ive.

Apple, 10 Downing Street and the Queen all declined to comment on this story.

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

After shutting down for one day early in January, all 350+ Apple Stores will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)

Cupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

Cupertino, CA — Tired of waiting hours or days to get an appointment at the Genius Bar? Help is on its way.

Citing research that proves over 60% of the Genius Bar customers are clogging up the works with dumb questions, Apple is testing a new concept called the Idiot Bar.

By siphoning off customer problems ranging from the laughable to the pathetic, the Idiot Bar will free up the Geniuses to take care of more serious problems, more quickly.

“We like to think of the Idiot Bar staff as a lower grade of Genius,” said Ron Johnson, Apple’s VP of Retail. “These people are trained to speak your language.”

Customers recognizing their own intellectual handicap may make Idiot Bar appointments online. A greeter at the Genius Bar will also re-route worthy customers to the Idiot Bar after asking some basic questions.

The Idiot Bar will not only speed up the tech support function of the Apple Store, it is expected to open up a new revenue stream.

Surveys show that 84% of those qualified to visit the Idiot Bar tend to do exactly as they’re told — and no doubt they will frequently be told it’s time to upgrade.

After first proving the concept in backwoods markets, Apple plans to roll out the Idiot Bar in more sophisticated metropolitan stores as well.

“Trust me, I’ve seen the service records,” said Johnson, “the Idiot Bar could well become our most popular attraction.”

Though Apple bills the Idiot Bar as “tech support for the rest of us,” it may really be “for the most of us.”

Santa, tiring of Apple's hard line, threatens to turn 2011 into an all-Android holiday

North Pole, Arctic Circle — The smiles of millions of children around the world hang in the balance today, as Apple and Claus Corp. play a high-stakes game of chicken.

Turned off by Tim Cook’s harsh tactics, Santa walked out of yesterday’s negotiating session. Red-faced, he threatened to deliver Android phones and tablets to those who wished for Apple products this year.

“Santa is a milk-and-cookies kind of guy,” said a source close to the jolly one. “He doesn’t take well to hard-nosed guys like Tim.”

The last straw for Santa was Cook’s insistence that Claus Corp. pay full retail price for all iPresents this year. Santa is used to getting a steep discount for his bulk order, and isn’t going to give in to Apple just because they had an agreement last year.

“This is bullshit,” said Santa. “I can get Android phones at a 30% discount, plus they’ve got bigger screens and Flash.”

Analysts say Santa’s gambit has the potential to bite him in his ample butt. If he goes the Android route, he could well face a morning-after firestorm of criticism when those devices perform as they normally do. In the current economic climate, the last thing Claus Corp. needs is a PR meltdown.

If Cook sticks to his hard line, Santa does have one option. Lawyers are still wrestling with details, but it may be possible to designate the Elf Workshop as an Accredited Educational Institution, thus getting a 15% discount on certain items.

“It’s not ideal, but that could get us past the 2011 holiday,” said an elf who requested anonymity. “And we won’t be hurtin’ here. Don’t tell Santa, but we kept a stash of iPhones and iPads for ourselves back in the reindeer shed.”

Scoopertino wishes everyone a happy holiday, even if you do find an Android phone under your tree. We’re going to close the presses down for the holiday now. We’ll recycle a couple of stories from the archives for the next two weeks, just to keep the place warm, and meet you back here in 2012!

Round Rock, TX —

Say hello to the Farmer in the Dell: a fun and friendly character who lives inside every Dell product.

Citing a “farming vacuum” created by the disappearance of Gateway, Dell sees limitless potential in its new $30 million ad campaign.

Part Incredible Shrinking Man and part Old McDonald, the Farmer embodies the values of Dell — and will serve as a lure to new customers. As explained in Dell’s press release, the lovable character “will deliver farm-fresh ideas to the consumer.”

Dell believes the Farmer will prove seductive to Mac users in particular. “Let’s face it, Apple has all but abandoned the agrarian market,” says a Dell spokesperson. “The Farmer will attract Mac users like hogs to a trough.”

To make the proposition even more compelling, Dell will be offering a free straw hat with every Vostro 1440 laptop purchase. Future farm-themed promotions are in the works.

Though the ads appear whimsical, the rationale behind them is rock-solid. Dell users will sleep better knowing that the Farmer can help them cope with typical Dell issues — such as crashing and falling apart.

“This is a home run for Dell,” said analyst Jack McCurty of Zacks Investment Research. “A farmer at the core of the Dell brand explains everything. Suddenly, the lack of great design and great technology makes perfect sense.”

Will the Farmer be enough to give Dell the spike in sales it seeks? Unknown. However, soybean futures were up 13% at this morning’s opening bell.