WASHINGTON (SR) - In a daring move being lauded by fashionistas worldwide, First Lady Michelle Obama wore an old, used "thrift store" dress to the Washington Christmas party last night.

The black dress, valued at over $2,500, beautifully accentuated Michelle's nearly eight-foot frame, but unfortunately the smell of decay coupled with the First Lady's intimidating stature terrified some children at the event. Five of the young children suffered shock and trauma after being approached by Mrs. Obama, and had to be transported to an area hospital where they were treated and later released.

"In that creepy black outfit she (Obama) looked like the "Angel of Death' or something, and I guess that scared some of the little ones," said one witness at the event. "I have to admit, even I nearly crapped my pants when she walked in."

My comments: Good grief, Halloween was months ago! Next time spend some real money and buy something Christmas-y, pinhead!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Stung by criticism over new TSA pat-down and "nude" scanning procedures, Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano continued to justify the measures at a news conference Tuesday.

"We have good reason to believe that the Taliban has developed penis bombs and are actively attempting to use them onboard a domestic aircraft," said Napolitano. "Unfortunately, the only way to detect these devices is with the new scanners or by physically patting down the crotch area."

When asked why women are also being subjected to the same measures, she replied that "not all male TSA agents are gay."

TSA officers pat-down traveler

WASHINGTON (SR) - Hello, this is Scooter Van Neuter reporting from the Scooter's Report Election Central Command located in Washington DC. Throughout the day our seasoned staff of political reporters and analysts will be bringing you the latest up-to-the-minute results in the 2010 midterm elections. Thank you for joining us.

Let's get started by checking on the latest returns for the Senate race in Florida: We've received confirmation that people are voting right now in Florida, but nobody's won yet. Our hunch is that Mark Rubio will probably win, so that's how we're calling this one. Mark Rubio wins.

Switching to the hotly contested Senate race in Nevada between that woman and Harry Reid: Nobody was answering the phone at the voting place we called, so we are calling this race close, but undecided.

Now turning our focus to the House, we check in on the Massachusetts District 4 race between incumbent Barney Frank, and some regular guy who does not have butt sex with other men: Judging by how fruity most people are in that area, we're calling this race in favor of Frank. Barney Frank wins.

Now to the governor's race between Arizona's Jan Brewer and that dorky-looking guy with glasses: We don't have time to check on this one right now, but we strongly favor what Jan did with that anti-Mexican immigration thing, so we're calling this one for Brewer. Jan Brewer wins.

In the hotly contested California governor's race between that old hippie guy and that frumpy Ebay woman, our latest numbers indicate Californians prefer hippies to business people 3 - 1. We're calling this a landslide victory for the hippie. Hippie wins.

Going to Alaska now, we check in on the well-publicized Senate race between write-in candidate Merkatawowski and other people. It's obvious nobody can spell Merdelbowtski so one of the other candidates will win this. Winner: Somebody else.

We're going to get some breakfast now, so let's wrap this up:

2010 Midterm Elections Final Results

Senate - Some Republicans, some Democrats

House - Lots of Republicans with some Democrats

Governors - Republicans and Democrats (I didn't have time to count).

That pretty much wraps up Election 2010. Thank you for again making Scooter's Report America's number one site for political news and commentary. Good night.

Scooter's Report Election Central Command

Pyongyang, DPRK (SR) - North Korean President Kim Jong Il appeared with heir apparent Kim Jong Un at a massive military parade yesterday.

The two Kims stood on a reviewing stand at Pyongyang's central square, watching wave after wave of military hardware manned by skeletal soldiers clad in too-large uniforms pass by below.

During the two hour parade, Kim Jong Il appeared to be irritated with his son, at one point angrily gesturing at food stains on the front of Un's suit, and later holding his nose as the young leader apparently broke wind.

This well-publicized event marks the formal introduction of the new North Korean leader to the world.

My comments: Wow, it looks like nobody's starving at the royal palace! I personally knew someone who moved to North Korea and became quite close to Kim Jong Il, and he really loved it over there.

Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un review N. Korea's military forces

WASHINGTON (SR) - Despite denials from the White House that President Obama will bounce Joe Biden and take on Hillary Clinton as his running mate next election, there is increasing evidence it may be true.

Mrs. Clinton has recently been photographed in the company of the President sporting a new hairstyle, makeup, and more contemporary outfits, possible proof of a pairing political experts are calling the "dream ticket."

"It is clear that Mrs. Clinton is remaking her image into that of a younger, sexier woman to better compliment Barack's appeal to young voters." said one analyst. "She looks modern, fresh - absolutely fabulous."

My comments: Wow, who knew Hillary had that kind of hotness buried under all that ugly? Barry has my vote for sure if that fox is on the ticket!

WASHINGTON (SR) -First Lady Michelle Obama is asking her husband's supporters to send cash to fuel the campaigns of Democrats guaranteed to lose the upcoming election.

In an e-mail sent Monday, Mrs. Obama asked for donations as small as $3, saying each dollar would be matched by another supporter, assuming they can find some with money left over from their last welfare check.

"The plan for this election is based on the lessons we learned two years ago," Mr. Obama said. "Blame Bush, pretend to be Christians, deny our friends and associates, and raise a buttload of moolah. You can help with the last one."

My comments: The mere thought that there are adults who will actually send these commie retards more money compels me to mix a huge quantity margaritas...

First Lady Michelle pleads for money

Note: We apologize for the above photo, but it was the only one we could find on Google Images that showed the First Lady holding money. We don't know why she has a bone in her nose, but we consider it to be in extremely poor taste.