Scopitone Saturday

MADONNA'S SINGLE COVER IS AMAZING - album/single press release ahoy!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:14:00 +0000

This is what we in the business call a "brilliant single cover"

So Madge-Mantis is gearing up for her first studio album since the...less than spectacular 'Hard Candy,' and if the promo campaign for the record is anything to go by, that LP's relative failure taught Miss M some Hard lessons. (Ed: groan.)

First, Madonna's wisely moved up the availability date of the track on iTunes. Originally it was slated to be available on February 7, two whole days after her Superbowl performance. It might be a reflection of the terrifyingly fast-moving world we now live in, but those two days could have (likely would have) meant the difference between possibly having a chart-topping hit for the first time since 'Music' way back in 2001, and everyone forgetting that the song even exists.

The revised plan is now for the video to debut during American Idol on Feb. 2, the track will be available from iTunes on Feb. 3, and any pre-orders of the album made between Feb. 3 and Feb. 6 will come with a free download of the single and remix.

The second big piece of information the Evil Queen has deigned to give us is that the album will feature no less than EIGHTEEN TRACKS (amazing, unless half of them or filler which - let's be honest - they very well might be) from the likes of William Orbit, her 'Ray of Light' collaborator, Martin Solveig, The Demolition Crew, Marco “Benny” Benassi and Alessandro “Alle” Benassi, Hardy “Indiigo” Muanza, Michael Malih and of course at least one written by Madonna - presumably her Elton John/David Furnish-incensing 'Masterpiece' from her film 'W.E.'

To be fair we haven't been this excited about a Madonna project since 'Confessions on a Dancefloor' came out, so fingers crossed that everything goes right. But with a killer single (and flat out amazing single cover) and the most prime promo gigs available, we're not too worried. And we imagine neither is she.

Here's a promo for the video that includes approximately 2.3 seconds of the clip in seizure-like flashes:

Yes.

Kylie shows she's a true artist on BRAND NEW 'Finer Feelings' - watch now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:48:00 +0000

Fierce and mighty.

So there was this girl named Kylie and she was a soap opera star in Australia and then a soap opera star in England and then a pop star everywhere for the next TWO AND A HALF DECADES. She was at the top of the music heap then at the bottom, and then pulled herself up by her gold hotpants and became the PRINCESS OF EVERYTHING ALWAYS - in the process conquering cancer, having some of the biggest hits of the 2000's and becoming Britian and Australia's most powerful celebrity.

In case you're wondering how she managed all that, the long answer is very complicated and involves branding and marketing and promotion and PowerPoints with lots of tedious graphs and such, but the short answer is THROUGH DECADES OF CONSISTENTLY AMAZING MUSIC. And just in case you need more clarification about that, someone has chucked together this handy compilation clip that sums up the Pop Princess's videos in a remarkably un-tedious 17 minutes. It advertises itself as a celebration of one star, but in reality is a time capsule of pop music itself over the last 25 years. It traces popular song from its 80's infancy to the all-powerful force it is today. But be warned, ScopiSubjects - you think you'll watch it for just a couple minutes but then 20 minutes later you'll look up from your screen, bleary-eyed and wondering what happened.

Worldwide she's as big as Madonna, and in the U.S. she's a cult celebrity with a fanbase (read: the gays) more rabid than America's biggest acts could ever hope for. And to celebrate sticking around for 25 years, K-Mo has launched the K25 "project," which is essentially a YEAR-LONG CELEBRATION OF HERSELF - which we think we can all agree is AN AMAZING THING TO DO. Included in that celebration is new material, and an album of her greatest hits recorded with a live orchestra at Abbey Road studios. And to kick things off, Kylie has given us this video of her 'Finer Feelings,' which proves once and for all something that die-hard fans learned during her late-90's "indie phase," and what the general public is starting to finally realize - that underneath the glittery pop veneer, Miss Minogue is an ACTUAL ARTIST.

"Perfection."

Brillballs Gabriella Cilmi is back with some 'Vicious Love' - watch the premiere now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:28:00 +0000

Haters can ride it.

In "ABOUT GODDAMN TIME" news, Gabriella Cilmi - who gave us the literally amazing 'Sweet About Me' and 'On A Mission', is back on the scene with a sort-of-single, sort-of-teaser to give a taste of what is in store for her new album. And it is VERY GOOD.

The Aussie songstress started out at the age of just 16, riding the new-soul tidal wave that brought us Amy Winehouse and Duffy, but then went full-on pop for her second album. This new material seems to have more in common with her low key soul roots, but luckily for us it seems like she didn't forget everything she learned on her sophomore long-play, as the first track still has a definite pop edge to it.

It's no wonder her handlers have decided to turn back the clock, though - her first album outsold its follow up 2-1, and even spawned some success in America - something she couldn't replicate with her last album, '10'. Perhaps they're trying to get back some of that chart magic, but we doubt we're alone in hoping there's at least one disco-stomper on the new LP.

Welcome back, Gabriella. We missed you like whoa.

FREE DOWNLOAD AHOY - The new Santigold is very good but "not everyone's cup of tea"

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:01:00 +0000

Santigold used to be called Santogold but isn't any longer. She also used to make music but then stopped for like, 5 years or something. Anyway, new name in tow, she's returned with a BIG COMEBACK SINGLE that will probably win a thousand Grammys but be played on the radio only once by a late-night NPR DJ who is a close personal friend of the artist.

It's got some of the hallmarks of a hit - sick beat, "now" lyrics - and anyone with a keen ear might hear a kinship between it and recent tracks by Beyonce and Nicola Roberts. That's because it was produced by Switch, who did music for each of them.

But regardless of its pedigree, it's MORE THAN A BIT STRANGE and miles away from anything chart friendly. The video certainly doesn't help matters, as it's a low-budget celebration of 90's live animaction with a few quirks of its own. Look, bad lighting and no makeup! Squiggly lines everywhere! Hi-tops!!

It's as if all of fauxhemian Brooklyn got together and said "let us anoint a 35 year old woman from Philadelphia as our queen" and this is what resulted. Which isn't to say it's bad. Just that we're going to wait for the next single before we pre-order the album.

Luckily this track is ABSOLUTELY FREE over at Santigold's website

So, weird or not, it's still going on our iphone.

Mission accomplished, Santigold. Mission accomplished.

Alexandra Burke is back with BONA FIDE CLUB BANGER 'Elephant' - listen now

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:55:00 +0000

...you've got something on your lips, dear...

Alexandra Burke has had quite a time of it hasn't she? She burst onto the pop scene as winner of the UK X-Factor in 2008, and has since tallied up 3 number 1 singles and a chart topping album. She was the first female solo artist to sell a million copies of a single, and sold 105,000 copies of her debut track...in a single day.

But as is the way in these fast-moving times, things got a bit wonky toward the end of her first album's campaign. Granted, it was the sixth single from the parent LP, but final release 'Silence' only limped to #16, and many started wondering if Alex's follow up album would suffer from the dreaded sophomore slump.

Well it's about time to find out, as the lead single from Ms. Burke's second record is finally here. 'Elephant' is an of-the-moment donkfest of the highest order, with a thumping beat and bubbly bassline. But while that formula once nearly guaranteed chart success thanks to the dance music craze, one can't help but feel that Alexandra is jumping on the bandwagon just a bit too late. In fact, we're pretty sure that 2012 will be the year that the current manifestation of club music jumps the shark and is replaced by some random underground oddity that will be co-opted by an up and coming pop act.

Only time will tell whether Alexandra's foray into poppers-o-clock pop will prove successful, but at the very least we get a jam of a song out of it.

The Wanted take over Ellen for their first American tv appearance - watch now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:55:00 +0000

Buy my single and I'll move the sign.

So apparently 2012 is not only the year in which the world ends, but is also the year in which England once again launches a pop invasion of the US. With Cher Lloyd already gunning for the American charts with 'Want U Back,' fellow teen popstars The Wanted have just upped the ante by performing their UK #1 single 'Glad You Came' on Ellen.

The group have already been trapsing around to radio stations and playing club gigs in seedy eurotrash gay bars, but with a radio re-release of the track slated for January 24, it appears the boys are going big or going home to jolly old England.

The performance itself is pretty by the numbers, with some awkward standing around and then some QUITE THRILLING (read: not thrilling at all) running around in the audience. But it is notable for being pretty damn on-point vocally, and even for the world's top pop acts that's a big feat these days. If anyone had doubts these kids have some serious vocal chops this video will go a ways toward silencing them. But that doesn't mean their infectious brand of UK cheese will make any impact in the charts.

As we've seen lately with everyone from Kylie to Leona Lewis, US success has less to do with quality than it does with quantity and relentlessness of promotion. Despite a balls-to-the-wall fierce America's Got Talent performance, K-Mo's singles off her latest album floundered outside the dance charts, and with no in-person promotion to speak of, Leona's 'Collide' barely made an impact. A lot of this is just because the US is so damn big that a few tv and radio spots can't possibly cover the number of people required to have an actual hit, but it's also because the charts have become so homogenized of late that unless you're Katy Perry, Britney or LMFAO, no one is going to play your song anyway.

Sure, the UK gave us Adele, but let's not forget that she also was on most every awards show there was in 2011. Her whole album was lightning in a bottle, but more importantly, she had the touring and promo schedule to back it up. The question for The Wanted is whether they are willing and able to do the same, and are ready to sacrifice the time and effort it takes to make it Stateside.

We're guessing they are - if only just so they can have ultimate bragging rights over JLS.

'Glad You Came' is out to download now in the US, and will be rereleased to mainstream radio on January 24.

Cher Lloyd's rather amazing 'Want You Back' finally gets a video

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:47:00 +0000

What do you mean I wasn't supposed to put on ALL the makeup?

If you live in the UK you've probably already made your mind up as to whether you love or hate Cher Lloyd. If you live anywhere else, you probably have very little idea who she is, which is exactly why Cher's handlers have gone ahead and chucked an American rapper on her new track for literally no reason at all.

The dude's name is Astro and he came in like 11th on US X Factor or something, but no one cares so that's all we will say about that. What people SHOULD care about is the video, which is KIND OF TREMENDOUS.

Cher's strong suit has always been her personality - she doesn't just sing words, she injects them with her own unique weight and meaning - and it's on full display in this clip. It's basically her spunkily stalking her old (very hot) boyfriend and his new girl, jumping into their pictures and videos and dumping stuff on them.

For anyone who's been through a painful breakup recently it could be a meaningful and cathartic experience, but for the rest of us it's just QUITE A LOT OF FUN.

Also she looks amazing. So good for you, Cher. Now stop letting them put rent-a-rappers on your tracks. Thanks.

Cher Lloyd Feat. Astro - Want U Back (HD) from mike roda on Vimeo.

Goldfrapp's new single 'Melancholy Sky' is a gorgeous slice of electropop heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 17:52:00 +0000

CAN SOMEONE HELP ME FIND MY CAR KEYS

Goldfrapp is an amazing band that everyone thinks of as an EPIC DANCE GROUP but is really an EPIC ELECTRO-CHILL GROUP. Much of this confusion comes from the fact that nearly every chart hit the band has had has been a poppers-o-clock thumpfest, but has also not really been representative of their overall sound. Like, at all.

Sure, they did one largely-clubby album, but other than that their output has always consisted of mostly low-key melodic e-folk. Which is fine. We don't judge. ("hahaha, that's a joke" etc.)

Anyway, their slower, more pensive tracks are arguably their best ('Black Cherry' and 'A&E,' anyone?), but we have to admit that every so often we still long for the stomping, faux-flapper discobitch that gave us 'Ooh La La' and 'Strict Machine.'

Every time we get our hopes up,though, they let us down - albeit in literally the BEST WAY POSSIBLE. Everything inside us calls out to them to give us a donkfest club stomper, but instead we are given gorgeous, glittering, pitch-perfect downbeat pop that puts most every other group to shame. And their new single is no exception. It's ethereal, melodic, and a wholly immersive experience that pretty much no other band is doing and certainly no other could pull off, which might be exactly why the group insist on giving us these tracks instead of going along with the current dance music trend.

Long story short, 'Melancholy Sky' may not be the banger we were hoping for, but if disappointment sounds this good, we'll take it.

2012 starts with a f*cking bang - the Scissor Sisters have just put out what may be the single of the year

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 18:44:00 +0000

We just blew your minds with our amazing new single.

What you are about to hear is epic in every sense of the word. It is current without being trendy, it is pop without being pandering, and it is

literally

tremendous.

Here is Scissor Sisters' new single 'Shady Love.'

Shady Love (Clean) by Scissor Sisters Official

These are for real the top 11 of '11

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 21:30:00 +0000

These three things all happened in 2011, but only one was good enough to end up on our list

It's New Years Eve and in a few short hours no one will care about 2011 anymore, and instead will be looking ahead to the gloriousness/apocalypse that is sure to come in 2012. So we'll save you the big into and instead get right to the good stuff.

Here are the best singles from 2011:

11. Nicola Roberts - Lucky Day
Before everything went off the rails for Nicola, her handlers picked this Dragonette-penned gem for her second single. Her first release, 'Beat Of My Drum' stalled at #27 on the UK charts, but everyone was all "oh this could be a total fluke for no logical reason other than that we want to believe it is" and figured 'Lucky' could be just the kind of midtempo corker to turn everything around. But, while it was easy on the ears and had a simple-but-cute New York City-filmed video in tow, 'Day' ended up being just like everything else Nicola Roberts does - critically loved and commercially ignored. Chart peak: UK - #37

10. Kylie - Put Your Hands Up (Pete Hammond Remix)
K-Mo's 2011 was largely spent on the road, thrilling European and Australian audiences with a concert tour featuring water jets, a "splash zone" in which fans got wet (from the water, not excitement...hopefully), and an entire ancient Greek temple on stage. It was universally lauded as a triumph, and set the benchmark for "those other" divas, namely Madge and one Miss Gaga. The Daily Telegraph even noted that "when it comes to the classier brand of arena kitsch, she, not Lady Gaga, remains supreme authority." But K-Mo didn't stop there. In 2011 Kylie traveled to the U.S. for her second-ever North American tour, and put out single 'Put Your Hands Up' as a kind of promo track for her trek. And her fans lapped it up - the song became her fifth number one on the dance chart in a row in America and for good reason - because it is brilliant. Chart peak: US Dance - #1

9. Hyuna - Bubble Pop
Hyuna is a Korean pop star who has been no stranger to success. As a member of the girlgroup Wonder Girls and then as one of different girlgroup 4Minute, she racked up a sizeable number of hits. But it was when she finally went solo that she really came into her booty-shaking own. Like a tiny Korean Beyonce she shimmied and shook her ass off and it paid off in spades. Her video for the genius 'Bubble Pop' was key in the wave of K- and J- pop awareness sweeping the English-speaking world, and the song ruled any half-decent Fire Island iPod dock for the entire summer. We're also assuming it sparked a run on "BOY" t-shirts, but we don't have the figures for that handy. Chart peak: Korea - #4

8. One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful
So there's this whole "boyband resurgence" thing happening (particularly in the UK) which means quite a few four-and-fivesomes of hot young gentlemen have been thrown at us over the last 12 months. The Wanted and JLS each solidified their status as the premiere Euro boybands, and set their sights on America - The Wanted even look like they might make it, as their track 'Glad You Came' is gaining steam in the US. But it was the adorably earnest barely-legal boys from One Direction who stole the show with their unpretentious brand of pop perfection. While JLS and The Wanted tried to prove they were SUPER-LEGIT ARTISTES, the third-place runners up of UK X-Factor decided to cut an album and just have fun with it. 'What Makes You Beautiful' was one of the biggest surprises of the year, with its catchy chorus and its almost rebellious refusal to play into the autotune donkfest that pop has become. And we are all better for having heard it. Chart peak: UK - #1, AUS - #8

7. Wynter Gordon - Buy My Love
There's something about this track that transcends the sort of C-list status Wynter Gordon holds in the pop world. She first guested on Flo Rida's 'Sugar' and scored a top 5 hit in the States, but then kind of trailed off into "come see me at Splash nightclub tonight at 1am" mediocrity pretty quickly. Sure, the gays love her, but they're not a hard group to crack if you have access to glitter and cheap amphetamines. So when 'Buy My Love' made its debut late in the summer, we were a little blown away. The song's kitschy without being sappy, ironic enough for the hipsters but not in an annoying way, and comes with a rather inspired video. Which, of course, means it was totally ignored by just about everyone. Because that's how these things work. Sadface, etc. Chart peak: AUS - #77, US Dance - #7

6. Adele - Rolling In The Deep
There's not much we need to say about this track. Its worldwide dominance is undisputed. Its singer's genius is unchallenged. The subtle and quietly intense video is pitch-perfect. And no matter how many times we hear it, 'Rolling' was and will remain, A JAM. Chart peak: US - #1, UK - #2, AUS - #3

5. Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
Ok so if 'Rolling In The Deep' is one song we don't need to justify making this list, 'Moves Like Jagger' might just be the flip side. It's gimmicky (the whistle, the presence of Xtina for LITERALLY NO REASON), it's pandering, and the video is weird for several reasons, not the least of which being that they actually stretched the footage of Miss Aguilera so she wouldn't look like she ate a dumptruck on the way to the shoot. But no one can deny that the song was EVERYWHERE this year, and despite that, we somehow didn't get sick of it. If anything, we warmed to it a bit more with each listen. And that's the mark of a real hit, ScopiSubjects. When this track originally debuted we said no one would remember it in a year. We've never been more delighted to be proven wrong. Chart peak: US - #1, UK - #2, AUS - #2

4. Lady Gaga - Edge Of Glory
We're over Gaga. A lot of people are over Gaga. Yes she's brilliant and genius and blah blah, but she's also the reason every gayborhood was full of guys in ridiculous jean cutoffs and black military boots this summer. She's always essentially been Madonna's shoutier, bitchier, crazier little sister, but 2011 was the year when she all of a sudden decided that everything she does is SUPER IMPORTANT (it's not) and that being a pop star comes with some sort of great responsibility to be douchy and heavy handed (it doesn't). But 2011 is also the year that, in between spastic bouts of insanity and preachiness, she also gave us some great music. 'Edge Of Glory' is a glittering firework of a song that couldn't even be killed by its shambolic music video (notice we put up a RATHER TREMENDOUS live performance below instead), and for a few precious short-lived months, it gave us back the fun, poppy Gaga we fell in love with so long ago. Chart peak: US - #3, UK - #6

3. Will Young - Jealousy
2011 was the year that Will Young reminded everyone why he is amazing. The "Kelly Clarkson of the UK" (he won the first ever Pop Idol tv show, even before American Idol existed...so really Kelly is the US Will Young but whatever) has really been going pretty strong since his first single back in 2002, but to be quite honest it could have gone either way for him after his greatest hits package. His first few singles were guaranteed success thanks to winning Idol, and then the flurry of press coverage when he came out cemented his status as a bona-fide media darling. Right about that time he proved he had the songwriting and vocal chops to be the real deal, and then...well, he just got kinda quiet for a while after releasing his retrospective. Diminishing chart returns on each of his tracks meant 'Jealousy' was released at a time when Young hadn't even appeared in the top 20 of the singles countdown in 3 years (though, to be fair, his albums consistently have been top 10 smashes). As the lead single of Will's fifth studio record, hopes were high. But they were all exceeded when this glittering synth gem gave us all a taste of Young's new, electro-chill direction. The Guardian said it best when it described the track as "stately." 'Jealousy' is a respectable, honorable, mature earworm of a song. And it's got some killer remixes to boot. Chart peak: UK - #5

2. Selena Gomez and the Scene - Love You Like A Love Song
This song is tremendous. We really can't overstate that enough. Had it been given a slightly better production treatment and a bit more promotion (though not through live performances - seriously, it's terrible live, google it) it could have been huge. Like, Kylie's 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' huge. But instead, whoever was in charge of the whole Selena Gomez thing gave the song to a producer, thought "eh, that's good enough" and chucked it out as a single, and instead of a world-conquering stomper, we got a mid-level hit that sounds a bit like a demo recording that would leak on the internet ahead of a huge superstar's release but is still knock-down, drag-out PHENOMENAL. So even though it's riding high on our list of tracks of the year, we still can't help but feel this was a bit of a missed opportunity. And Miss Gomez, we're still waiting for the remixes. Thanks. Chart peak: RUS - #1, CAN - #10, US - #26

1. Cher Lloyd - Want U Back
So there are a couple things that could get us into trouble with this pick. First, it's Cher Lloyd. A ton of people hate her. A ton of people love her too, but they're usually pretty quiet about it and just download her tracks in the dark at night from a Starbucks nowhere near their house out of fear someone they know could see them. But generally we are comfortable saying that Cher Lloyd is a....divisive figure. The second issue is that this track isn't OFFICIALLY out as a single yet. Its release date is pegged for February 12, 2012 and it's only just recently gone out to radio stations. But, thanks to THE WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN, it's available as a single download from its parent album, so we are including it in this list. Because it is amazing. And also since it's like, 8 hours until 2012 and we feel kind of bad our list is coming out so late and giving a tip for what is going to be huge in the new year makes us feel a bit more relevant and on point. But mostly because it's amazing. It's fresh, it's got personality, and it is, most importantly, unique. It sounds nothing like the autotuned Katy Perry/Ke$ha/Britney dreck that is constantly on the radio and which makes every day sound like one long thumping headache of a song, and for that, Cher, we thank you. Chart peak: TBR

Happy 2012, ScopiSubjects, and see you on the other side.

Jessie J falls down like a 'Domino' in new video - watch now

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 14:23:00 +0000

Haters gon' hate.

We get that Jessie J is a BONA FIDE TALENT or whatever but that doesn't mean she can't still piss us off. We're not sure why either. Are we annoyed that she always looks like a tranny in that awful bob? Or that she over-emotes to the point that we want to cut her face off?

It could be both.

Which is unfortunate, because each of those things is on FULL DISPLAY in her new video for the admittedly very very good 'Domino.' It's a jam and it has a beat and you can dance to it but to be fair it could have been sung by literally anyone and still be just as good, if not better.

Anyway, the video finds JJ mugging for the camera in some glittery catsuits and some 90's gear, and it's all jazzed up by some "inventive edits" in order to disguise the fact that the whole thing was done "on the cheap." And here it is.

Rihanna says 'You Da One' in her new video

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:12:00 +0000

This is a thing that happened.

Rihanna just wrapped up her GIANT ALL-CONQUERING TOUR in London, but apparently she was quite busy even while that was going on, shooting videos and collapsing from exhaustion and the like. Luckily the 'You Da One' video, which just premiered, doesn't find her actually doing that much, so hopefully it didn't contribute to her fatigue too much.

Unfortunately the fact it doesn't find her doing much means it's a pretty boring watch, unless you're a fan of dodgy wigs (which we understand many of our readers are). To be honest we've never been a huge fan of Rihanna's midtempo "jAmZ," as we're not sure she has the voice for such things and they always trend to the boring side of "good," but as generic pop songs go we're not going to complain about 'You' and instead will just say it's highly unlikely to unseat her current #1 track 'We Found Love' from the peak of the charts.

Speaking of 'We Found Love,' congrats, RiRi, on your longest running chart-topper ever. Maybe you can celebrate by donning a tacky blond weave and running around in black-and-white for a few minutes.

OH WAIT.

The Lips that we call Lana Del Rey has a new video out and here it is

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:39:00 +0000

Even this photo smells like patchouli and BO

First off we would like to apologize for our SHOCKING LACK OF POSTS over the last few days. We've been doing several things, including organizing our "BEST OF 2011" list and also drinking quite a lot. But lo, ScopiSubjects, our silence is broken! For the large-lipped Lana Del Rey has foisted another video into our pop pubis and it absolutely demands to be snarked about.

Initially we were kind of interested in Lana, in a "she totally gets that she's that cat lady with all the plastic surgery and it's fun and self-knowing and winkingly ironic" way, but then it turned out that actually she had no idea she was a walking fauxhemian joke and pretended to be all REAL and AUTHENTIC while attempting miserably to speak out of her labia-with-an-allergic-reaction mouth.

It wasn't that we were no longer interested at all, however, as most pop stars these days seem to have a healthy amount of selective memory and social blindness when it comes to their own ridiculousness. But then she did that awful video teaser thing where she was naked and cuddling with a homeless and called it the OFFICIAL VIDEO but then also stuck a thing at the bottom of the OFFICIAL VIDEO saying "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."

And THAT is when we completely lost interest.

Anyway here's her new video and it's actually not half bad but for us it is TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE and we're afraid that to us Lana Del Rey will always be that vagina-lipped girl who hugs smelly hipsters for cash.

Kelly Clarkson gets 'Stronger' in new video - watch the premiere now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 16:30:00 +0000

My boobs are made of Grammys

Our last post was all DOOM and GLOOM and WILL.I.AM pretending anyone gives a shit what he does. Which is why it's so good that today, the LIVING RAY OF SUNSHINE that is Kelly Clarkson released her video for 'Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)'. It's a good reminder just in time for the holidays - that no matter how many unintentionally-terrifying Justin Bieber videos come out, as long as we can make it through alive, we will come out the other side a better person with bigger pecs and biceps.

Or something.

Anyway, the video is Kelly doing her usual Kelly thing, but also has an added flash mob thing going. It's super cute in a "flash mobs are a thing that was awesome a couple years ago so lets do one in a video" kind of way. The choreography was put out a while back, in order to give KC's fans a chance to learn it and perform it in the clip, and the payoff is a lot of fun to watch.

As for the song, 'Stronger' is the second single from Clarkson's fifth (!!) solo album, and it is very good. Not as good as 'Mr. Know It All,' but a smidge more addicting and certainly hit-worthy. Which is good, because we have a feeling we'll be hearing it quite a bit all winter.

Signs of the Apocalypse #12 and #13 - Will.i.am's 'T.H.E.' and Justin Beiber

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:25:00 +0000

Ok so we're only a few days away from 2012, which is when the world is totally going to end if you ask alarmist tabloids or the people who make Discovery Channel "documentaries". And you know what, ScopiSubjects? WE BELIEVE IT. Because judging by the following two videos, we are careening wildly toward a horrific nightmarish oblivion like the dream world from The Cell or something, and it will totally have J.Lo in it too but not the good J.Lo, the crappy one when she was chucking out shit like 'Loubitons' and falling on her ass on stage.

Yes this week saw the debuts of two videos by - and it pains us to say this - two of the most popular male acts of our time. Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas, and Justin Bieber. Both are horrifying - the first, for its overblown ego-centric budget-busting monstrousness, and the second, for, well, LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

First up we have good ol' Bill. We know we weren't the only ones who threw a handful of glitter-confetti when The Black Eyed Peas announced their hiatus from music, but it turns out that all that means is we have to deal with even more of Will.i.am on his own. Which in its own way is even more terrifying, since we don't have the buffer of cutaways to that one dude in the group with long hair who doesn't actually do anything to protect us.

So Will has gone off and done another solo track to fill his time, but AS IS THE WAY NOWADAYS, it's not actually solo at all, and features J.Lo (The Cell!) and Mick Jagger because of course it does. The song itself is actually not terrible - it features some "sick beatz" etc. - but we just can't get over the video in which Will.i.am does "crazy things" and appliances rain from the sky and then nonsense happens in bombastic and heavy-handed fashion. It's not that the video is bad, really, it's just that -like most of the Black Eyed Peas output - it's kind of a buffet of "lowest common denominator." It's as if some focus group wrote a stream-of-consciousness list of all the expensive and flashy ways to make Middle America think a pop star was "balling" or whatever the kids say these days, and then Will.i.am read it and was like "oooh this is good - let's do all these things but also make them suck."

So there's that and it's out there and we all just have to deal with it.

Which brings us to Bieber - pop's premiere mouse-lesbian. Now, just to make things clear, we don't hate the Beeb. He's a talented kid who just had everything go exactly right for him, and there's no reason to begrudge him that. But as much as we approve of his modern day rags-to-riches story, we cannot sign off on his new, literally frightening, Mad Max Christmas nightmare of a video.

We'd go into the specifics of why, exactly, it is the video antichrist, but to do so would require reliving each chilling moment of the tinsel-tainted shitstorm that is "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." And that, dear readers, is something we just cannot bring ourselves to do.

Pray.

Diana Vickers is back with the a FREE DOWNLOAD of the brilliant 'Make The Boys Cry'

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:37:00 +0000

I'm the only thing holding up this wall.

Diana Vickers was a semi-finalist on the UK X-Factor, then a number one-selling pop star for a minute and then a has-been about a minute later. That's the way it goes in this world of flash-in-the-pan pop strumpets - at least those with little real talent. But lack of talent wasn't why Diana crashed and burned. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

It all started out well, when after being eliminated from the X-Factor, Miss Vickers signed with a label and chucked out the amazing 'Once' which topped the charts and was one of the pop highlights of the year. Her followup single didn't fare so well, but that was fine because its parent album had just been released and followed 'Once' to the number one position.

But then it came time to do that "album relaunch" thing which was all the rage for about a year, so Di-Vi went back into the studio to cut some new tracks for a SUPERFLUOUS DELUXE MONEY-GRAB VERSION of her debut album. That single was 'My Wicked Heart' and it was

literally

amazing.

Here it is if you don't believe us.

AMAZING. (just ignore the video...)

It's a slice of pop perfection with a healthy dose of personality and quirk. But we'll be the first to admit that it isn't the most immediate and radio-friendly track either. And for the everyday pop fan it proved to be a bit too much quirk. It's more of an artistic masterpiece than it is a pop hit, a fact borne out by its eventual peak at 13 on the charts, which makes Diana quite an anomaly in the pop world. For it wasn't because she was a talentless hack that she lost favor with record buyers. It was actually the opposite - she failed because she was TOO TALENTED AND AMAZING.

So poor, unappreciated Diana split ways with her label RCA, and no one really heard from her for a while and we all just assumed she was off doing a pantomime in Cheshire or something.

BUT THAT WAS NOT THE CASE.

No, instead Diana was recording a new album that - if the first taste of it is anything to go on - is going to be RATHER TREMENDOUS.

Vickers has just offered up a download of 'Music To Make The Boys Cry,' which manages to have all the artsy street cred of 'My Wicked Heart' but wrap it up in a glittering electropop package. It is a bittersweet midtempo jam of the highest order, but will also sound brilliant when some talented DJ comes long and puts a donk on it. WHICH HAD BETTER BE SOON.

Anyway, you can listen to 'Music' below, and get it as a free download HERE

Music To Make The Boys Cry by mdstmgmt

Wait Ke$ha is still flogging that album? 'Sleazy' gets a revamp and release Dec 13

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:29:00 +0000

This is what Xtina would look like if she PUT DOWN THE FORK

We kind of forgot about Ke$ha there for a while, which is probably exactly why she is reworking her track 'Sleazy' from her 'Cannibal' album, chucking a few rappers on it and kicking it out of her glittertrash nest on December 13, hoping that it will soar to chart heights rather than splatter on the sidewalk below.

It's a bit of a by-the-numbers move, to be honest. Hasn't the NOW WITH ADDED RENT-A-RAPPER thing been done enough? Why, for example, can't she remake it with a didgeridoo band and Yo-Yo Ma, or rerecord it with a nunnery choir or something crazy and unexpected?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOO AMAZING AND OUR HEADS WOULD EXPLODE, THAT IS WHY.

Anyway, according to the beglittered one herself:

“Get ready to get even $leazier with this sick collaboration I did with 4 of my favorite MCs of all time: Weezy, Andre 3000, Wiz Khalifa, and T.I. I opened the “Get $leazy” tour with this song every night and it always got the party started…Get ready, this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET.$.”

Yes. Let's break that down, shall we.

First, we want to point out that apparently it is mandatory that even Ke$ha's press must include dollar signs, which means that some poor intern (we'll call her Rachel) who pretends to be the star on Twitter has to make 2 extra keystrokes every time an "s" comes up.

Second, isn't T.I. in jail? No? Well whatever he still sucks.

Third, what the hell are you on about, Ke$ha's intern Rachel? Of course this is the SICKEST and SLEAZIEST version YET. There has only ever been one version, so it's not like there was a bevy of competition. Relax.

Fourth, there's an extra dollar sign at the end of whatever that was up there. Whether it was a mistake or an intentional insertion by Rachel to underscore the ridiculousness of random punctuation, we will never know. But we like to imagine that somewhere, in a dark broom closet at RCA Records, Rachel sat with her company-owned iPad, and plunged her finger dramatically down on the dollar sign in an act of final, overt defiance, just as she expired from exhaustion and acute Red Bull poisoning.

Here's the album version. Which is VERY GOOD INDEED but could definitely do with a choir of nuns.

Kelly Rowland performs on UK X Factor and...is not Beyonce

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 16:48:00 +0000

Yes.

We love Kelly Rowland. We want to be clear about that up front.

We also are not blind, and we are certainly not deaf. Which means that despite all our love for Miss K, we are fully aware that she IS NOT BEYONCE.

That fact was on full display when K-Ro took to the stage at the UK X-Factor with a medley of her biggest upbeat hits, but bless her heart, she certainly did try her ass off didn't she.

Her vocals are a little wobbly, the choreography isn't spectacular, and she ends up looking a bit more like one of the X-Factor contestants than one of the superstars who frequent its stage, but Kelly's always had something about her that we just love nonetheless.

Unfortunately, the general populous doesn't feel the same way, as her latest album bombed at #56 in the UK this week.

So....womp womp, etc.

So Lana Del Rey has a new "video" - let's discuss this nonsense

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:50:00 +0000

This is clearly the "after" picture.

WTF, Lana Del Rey. We get that you got you are all artsy and "real" even though you plumped up your lips like they were past-their-prime couch cushions. And we get that your "Video Games" track was pretty decent. But first, your new song "Born To Die" is a crappy hipster pastiche of 60's suicide-pop, and second and most importantly, what in the fresh hell do you think you're doing with this "video"?

As Gawker (which we affectionately call "Gayker" because it is clearly run by fabulously snarky homosexuals) pointed out, when searching for the track on YouTube, there are tons of links to the "OFFICIAL VIDEO" which is TERRIBLY MISLEADING because it is not a real video at all, rather a clip of Lana naked hugging some skanky fauxhemian and mugging for the camera. Then, at the bottom, there is a little text box that says "OFFICIAL VIDEO COMING SOON."

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.

We were just barely on board when the whole "lyric video" thing started, because since a good number of people "watch their music" on YouTube nowadays, it made sense to do something different than just chucking up a still of the artist while a track played.

We even can get down with the endless "teasers" that artists trickle out of their creative teats as of late. We like to be teased, and if it's good enough for movies it's good enough for music videos.

But no. You can't just release a "music video" and then tell people "OH JUST KIDDING THIS ISN'T REALLY THE MUSIC VIDEO, I'LL BE DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR THAT." And you certainly shouldn't be setting a precedent that this is the thing to be done to create buzz for a Credible New Artiste (tm).

That's bullshit, Lana Del Rey. And your boyfriend looks like he smells.

So how's the Nicola Roberts solo thing going then? Well she's made a new video for 'Yo-Yo' so not as bad as it could be...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:05:00 +0000

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR SINGLE DID BETTER THAN MINE?"

Whatever are we to do with poor Nicola. Poor, poor Nicola.

She's not poor, of course, as her "makeup for gingers" sells quite well and also she was IN FUCKING GIRLS ALOUD. But if her solo career was all we were going on, we'd have to say she was quite poorly indeed.

Her first track, 'Beat Of My Drum,' despite being balls-to-the-wall brilliant and essentially being a better version of Madonna's big comeback single only recorded and released several months earlier, landed with a thud at #27 in the UK. Then, her big followup - the Dragonette (!!) penned 'Lucky Day' - fared even worse down at #40. Sure the album cracked the top 20, but it's the UK for chrissake. It's not like it's that difficult.

But none of that unfortunateness will deter our little red minx. No, Nicola soldiers bravely on in true British fashion, with a brand new video for 'Yo-Yo.' It's a very good song, but like her other VERY GOOD SONGS, it will probably do absolutely nothing on the charts. It's quite nice of her to give us a video clip for it, though, don't we think? (Yes.)

The video features a party, a crushed velvet dress, and also an ACTUAL YO-YO.

Because of course.

The Pierces are 'Kissing You Goodbye' with some hot dude in their new video

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:51:00 +0000

"I saw you in those Asos ads!"

Ok so we just found out about The Pierces like 2 days ago from ScopiSubject Derek, and already the duo is chucking out RATHER AMAZING videos featuring RATHER ATTRACTIVE men. To be fair, the band - which consists of two sisters - has had what most indie acts would call a "banner year," so it's not like they came out of nowhere, but the buzz surrounding them has certainly reached an apparent critical mass.

~~Born in Alabama in the 70's, the pair of girls~~ (Ed: NO ONE CARES, MOVE ON) The duo do very good pop music and that's all that really matters. Our extensive Wikipedia-ing told us a great deal about the band, most importantly that what they do is called "psychedelic folk rock" which in our mind is pretty much just Madonna's 'Don't Tell Me' played really slowly after a night of tripping on cough medicine, but we suppose it could actually be a real music genre too.

In any case, the girls are stylish, the video is appropriately low-budget and grimey (and starts quite brilliantly with the refrain of Irving Berlin's 'Sisters'), and as a bonus there's a hot tattooed male model in it. Also the video is for a pretty decent tune as well, so that's always a plus.

Here's 'Kissing You Goodbye':

Beyonce's 'Dance For You' video proves she needs to pop that kid out and get back to it

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 14:27:00 +0000

Don't worry, B. We're bored too.

Ok look, Beyonce. We know you're pregnant. We know you have "other things" to think about. But that really doesn't mean you should start slacking on your day job. Which, judging from your latest video, is exactly what you've begun to do. We know some record exec told you that in today's "new model" you have to have new product out every two and a half days, but like you, we're hoping this is a passing fad.

Because until then, decent pop stars like you will be forced to trot out boring crap like this, which serves only to distract us from the LITERALLY AMAZING things you've taken actual time and care in putting together, like the 'Countdown' video that everyone loved for about ten minutes and then forgot about.

Also, when the hell did you shoot this? You're obviously not "showing" in this clip, which means it was filmed quite some time ago. Did you just film budget videos for every single song on your album and then sit on them like a fabulously sassy bird on a stash of eggs? Because if so, maybe this is one you should have "accidentally kicked out of the nest" during a particularly active nightmare if you know what we're saying.

Do you? Do you know what we're saying, Beyonce?

Because we're saying it's crap.

So stop being pregnant or whatever your problem is and get back to making amazing videos because having to write mean things about you makes us sad and WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE SAD.

Let's all talk about the Lady Gaga special then.

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:02:00 +0000

There is no escape.

So last night something happened and we all know it happened and we might as well just talk about it.

That something was the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special and it was nonsense. Not nonsense in that it was bad, but nonsense in that it even exists in the first place.

First off, let's get this out of the way: Gaga is ridiculously talented. She can sing. She can dance. She holds her own singing jazz songs with goddamn Tony Bennett, for chrissake. But the woman is also batshit insane, and not in the "oh-em-gee my outfits are made of meat, you guys" way. She is batshit in the "I wholeheartedly believe that all of America gives a crap about all of this" way.

It kicked off well enough, to be fair, with a straightforward performance of 'Lady Is A Tramp' with Tony Bennett. We say straightforward, but with Gaga that means "Tony sang while Gaga made weird faces and seized," but it was good and fun and got things off to a good start.

Then, friends, it "TOOK A TURN."

"a turn."

All of a sudden we were meant to care about whatever neural misfire Miss G was having at the time, and had to listen to a bunch of stories for no reason. She did some things and said some things that for whatever reason must have seemed interesting at the time, and then she cooked chicken and waffles with a chef on national television while wearing some seriously fierce couture, BECAUSE OF COURSE.

Things looked up again, thankfully, when she sang some more and danced some more, and then she sat down with Katie Couric for a KIND-OF-PAINFUL-TO-WATCH interview and plopped a giant fabric strawberry on her head and tried to pretend like it was completely normal, because in Gaga's world that is just the way things are done so fuck you.

Now, full disclosure: after the Couric interview we tuned out a bit because by that point we had done some (a lot of) tequila shots, so we can't say a whole lot about the last 20 minutes or so, but from what we remember, taken all together it was an oddly appropriate-feeling special.

It was traditional with a twist and - even though it got its ratings ass handed to it by last night's airing of 'The Big Bang Theory' - probably managed to get a few more grandmas in the midwest on board the Gaga train. Because if there's one thing midwest grandmas like, it's a show in which the star self-servingly does all the things that she knows midwest grandmas will like.

Sure, she looked amazing, sang amazing, and managed to hit on an oddly appropriate tone for the holiday, which really is what Gaga is about - taking our preconceptions of something and twisting them into her own grotesque interpretation of them. But every time she spoke, the whole thing took this air of entitlement and posturing about it that we just couldn't get past until she started singing again.

But good for Lady Gaga. We came in to the special expecting to hate it and left only hating the parts where she was herself. Our 90 minutes with her confirmed once and for all that she is a brilliant musician, fashion icon, and performer, and also that we never, ever want to hang out with her. And that was what made the special a success in the end. It was meant to give us a glimpse into Gaga's softer, real-er side, and it did just that - it's just that Gaga's soft, real side is completely insane and self-involved.

And we wouldn't expect any less.

Our personal favorite from the show was, oddly, her completely lip-synced, by-the numbers performance of 'Bad Romance' because no matter what happens ever it will still be one of the best songs in the history of literally everything, and not even the fact that last night saw it performed on what we assume is the set of an upcoming rococo-themed Cascada video can take that away.

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Here is Kylie debuting her new "orchestral sound" on Australian X-Factor

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:19:00 +0000

I'm fierce and I'm feeling mighty.

If last night you heard a collective gay gasp of diva worship coming from the southern hemisphere, this is probably why. Last night, Kylie debuted her new, much talked-about "orchestral sound" on Australian X-Factor, in the form of an acoustic remake of the hit that made her a star - 'I Should Be So Lucky.'

The whole setup suited K-Mo RATHER WELL, and showcased her voice in spectacular fashion. She was rocking some sort of grandma nightie (because of course) but totally pulled it off (because OF COURSE) and has rarely looked better.

It's a terrific teaser of what we can expect when her full-on orchestral album drops next year (though, Miss Minogue, please take note that we will insist on a remix package that includes a number of disco whistles and at least one poppers-scented donk). Indeed, the only downside is that she's done this track in acoustic form a number (read: A VERY LARGE NUMBER) of times. It's essentially the same arrangement she has been flogging on tour for the last few years, and she's sung the same version almost note for note on a couple tv shows as well. But, TBF, when something is this mindblowingly brilliant, why not run it into the ground?

We're certainly not complaining.

The "New" Amy Winehouse Video Is Here - watch now!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Woods) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:16:00 +0000

Ever since Amy Winehouse went to the big rehab in the sky in July, it was inevitable that a number of posthumous releases would emerge, hoping to honor her memory and also cash in on it. Well the first of those arrived yesterday, in the form of lead single 'Our Day Will Come' off the forthcoming 'Lioness: Hidden Treasures' album.

While it would be easy to see any release of Winehouse material as a blatant cash grab, this one at least has the distinction of being the first official one, and the fact that a portion of proceeds from each sale go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation certainly helps soften any criticism.

In fact, it's hard to fault this release for much of anything - it's a pretty song sung by a starlet who was taken too soon. So cash grab or not, thank god there's just a little bit more Amy left out there in the world.

Here is 'Our Day Will Come', featuring a collection of footage from Amy's past videos and shows. As one commenter on the YouTube page said: "It's just such a shame we know she'll never sing this live."