scott... diagonally parked in a parallel universe

why me?

2009-04-19T08:30:00.006-07:00

i'm on my way to orlando. in fact, i'm sitting in the calgary airport right now. it's early morning and my pseudo-adhd is kicking in. i'm antsy. on my way to the happiest place on earth.
my eldest son called me a sell-out. i'm being put up in a spa at sea-world, given a nice car, asked to speak at a huge church planting conference. looking over the roster it's a virtual who's who of conservative evangelicals, and me.
it's a funny story actually. i've been asked to offer a 'rebuttal' to the north american church planting movement. as usual my mouth has landed me in trouble and for a brief moment in time on tuesday night i have the ears of some of evangelicalism's finest.
i'm going because i've been perceived of as marginal, different, the wayward son who won't shut up. it seems to be a mantra i have worn all my life. at one time it was a source of great pride, now it's almost tiresome on occasion. marginality seems to have exacted a price in my relationships and career. off to orlando.
i have been asked to give my reasons why i no longer go to real church anymore, why i handed in my ordination and though repeatedly asked, why i refuse to take it back, and why i no longer advocate planting churches for the vast majority of evangelicals. how could i, a career planter, bite the hand that has almost fed me for so long? i hope that it is because of this longevity in a field with few lifers that i have at least a smattering of some credibility. here's an excerpt...

I was getting my passport this week. You know how it is… you sit and wait and then someone calls you up and asks you a bunch of questions. So she asked me, "why are you going to Orlando?" I wanted to say something like, "I’m starring in a Body Building Movie", but instead I confessed, "I’m going to a conference about starting new churches". Then she asked me a question, and it’s the only question I’m going to address. She said this, "well then maybe you could answer this for me… "why would anyone want to go to church?"
That’s a good question and It’s one that as a church planter I was notoriously self-deceived about. You see, most of us have been taught, and we based our entire 'ministry' on it, that church planting is the best way to 'win people to Christ'. And for a few generations, including the one I grew up in, that may have been true. Notice I said "was"?
Here’s something else I always believed – that if you did it right, church plants are the best way to connect with the secular world. And I thought I was relevant. And I thought I was edgy (and trust me, so did my denomination). For a brief moment in history, I was hugely successful by some standards. And I believed I was changing the world.But I contend, and I think history will bear this out, that we are going through a cataclysmic spiritual shift in North America that is going to change everything. Technology and society and social networking is radically redefining how we are going to communicate, relate and live in the next few years…
I spent 21 years of my life believing that i had an answer people were genuinely looking for. That given the right set of tools, most people would want to go to a church that met their needs. I tenaciously believed that i was using relevant and cutting-edge methods to "reach" those people. By almost every church standard i was on the ragged edge of, firmly convinced that people would want that experience if i could only get the message out.Two weekends ago I was listening to CBC and on "the age of persuasion" the narrator said something like, "people consider becoming a pastor about as relevant as (insert your most idiotic/non-relevant career choice here). The show was about how churches are using media in an attempt to attract followers. Names like Saddleback and Billy Graham were tossed around. One commentator argued that these icons were naive and stupid (can you believe it, he called Billy Graham stupid!); that competing for souls by media was using a medium intended to entertainment – and by them doing that they were convincing us all that religion was just another form of entertainment. The end of the show left me with the impression that according to the secular media, church has become so non-relevant in Canadian society as to be viewed as a cult or a cruel joke. People no longer consider going to hear old music and a long-winded speaker a destination of choice early Sunday morning. disturbing.
I am unsure of the answers, but seemingly too long we have been shuffling deck chairs on the titanic, hoping to somehow tweek on the next gimmick, the next 'wave' and suddenly be in the vanguard once again. maybe those days are gone forever, at least in secular Canada. Yet every month we kick off another 'same old same old' church plant or service that is oddly familiar to the one down the street. Here’s what it looks like. You go to Barrie Ont. and you decide to start an church. And you are not dumb and you have read the books by the dudes at this conference, and you think of yourself as a bit of a maverick or a barbarian and so you decide to do things different – you are going to be real, and raw. You are going to forget the hype and be casual and use YouTube and Twitter and Facebook and you are going to get good relevant media and use guitars and grow a goatee. Not only that but you are going to be socially minded, sing songs from U2 and maybe do a coffee shop. Here’s the truth – and I’m not trying to be mean – but there are dozens and dozens and dozens of guys and gals doing that exact same thing right now. I can give you at least 20 plants in the Fraser Valley doing that exact template. That exact thing. And they have one word names for their plants and they use acoustic guitars and they drink micro-brewery beer and they are writing a book and they have women on staff and they set up their office at Starbucks and they are trendy, and they are cute, and they can sing and are an exact clone of the Mennonite plant and the Wesleyan plant and the free Methodist plant just down the street. Everyone is planting that template it seems right now. And every one of them is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are going to change their world.
And here’s my opinion and take it for what it’s worth. It isn’t going to work. It is no different than starting a Saddleback clone or a Willow World clone or whatever is the in thing at Church Planter Boot Camps right now. O don’t get me wrong, for the most part, you are going to be convinced it is working if it goes well. My last church gained a hundred at least a year and we baptized at least that number every year. I was sure we were rocking the world. And you will have lots of visitors and sure enough some people will make spiritual decisions. And you might even be the flavor of the month for a brief time.And you will try to be missional and incarnational and all those other dumb insider words and feed the poor and do everything you can to be relationally relevant.And if you are really really smart you will plant that one church and then write a book like some of the speakers at this conference and never have to do another one.Here’s my take - The Sunday morning service as an outreach event is finished. The attractional model for Sunday morning service is still a great model – for attracting Christians. But as CBC and my secular friends are trying to tell me, and they’re screaming at us but no one is listening – they don’t want to go to church on Sunday! Here’s what I’ve been thinking and field testing for about 5 years now. For my part of the globe – I’m not talking Toronto, I’m not talking Tampa, for my little backwater piece of suburbia – the very idea of starting a Sunday morning service, in the hopes of having non-Christians get involved in that primary venue – is counter-culture and counter-intuitive.In English – it isn't going to work. I have started 7 churches and am right now watching churches being planted in my area at a rate I have never seen before and I got to tell you, as an evangelical idea, it’s lame. Two years ago I sat in Burlington with some of you people and I listened to a guy far smarter than I am tell that group of the professionally religious that churches in Canada were soon not going to even be on the radar for 85 - 95% of Canadians. That nothing you could do on Sunday morning would even touch those people...

the death of relevence?

2009-04-08T19:09:00.001-07:00

sometimes my wife reminds me that i am skeptical of religious institutions. she points out, correctly, that it is easy to be negative, harder to find the good in things. sometimes i don't really want to hear that. sometimes.

a great deal of my frustration comes from the perspective that i have fewer and fewer ties with the institution called church. admittedly this is not necessarily a good thing, but a fact nonetheless. i find it hard to imagine why i would attach myself to a sunday morning conservative experience. it's not that it's bad, it just doesn't resonate with what is happening in my life much anymore. it's an issue of relevence.

i have a friend named phil. he is very spiritual by nature but not even marginally a christian. he comes into the restaurant a few times a day, often with a heart that is full of his worldly issues. lori, my business partner, has developed a genuine rapore with phil and he will often unload his issues. he is looking for answers. one day i asked him if he had considered going to a church for those answers. he looked at me like i was from mars. church as a helping place was not even on his radar. it was as if i asked him if he went to moose jaw to have his questions answered. church is a complete non-issue for him, and many like him.

even though the rebellious part of me is amused, i find this somewhat disturbing. i spent 21 years of my life believing that i had an answer people were genuinely looking for. i tenaciously believed that i was using relevent and cutting-edge methods to "reach" those people. by almost every church standard i was on the ragged edge of innovation, firmly convinced that people would want that experience if i could only get the message out.

last week i was listening to cbc (ya i know...) and on "the age of persuasion" the narrator said something like, "people consider becoming a pastor about as relevent as (insert your most idiotic/non-relevent career choice here). the show was about how churches are using media in an attempt to attract followers. names like saddleback and billy graham were tossed around. one commentator argued that these icons were nieve and stupid; that competing for souls by media was using a medium intended to entertainment - thereby convincing us all that religion was just another trite show. the end of the show left me with the impression that according to the secular media, church has become so non-relevent in canadian society as to be viewed as a cult or a cruel joke. people no longer consider going to hear old music and a long-winded speaker a destination of choice early sunday morning. disturbing.

i am unsure of the answers, but seemingly too long we have been shuffling deck chairs on the titanic, hoping to somehow tweek on the next gimmic, the next 'wave' and suddenly be in the vanguard once again. maybe those days are gone forever, at least in secular canada. yet every month we kick off another 'same old same old' church plant or service that is oddly familiar to the one down the street.

some of my trendy church friends kick around the term "relationally relevent". what if that term meant doing something vastly different that we have thus far? what would that look like?

do i?

2009-04-04T17:26:00.001-07:00

i was doing a wedding and asked the groom, "do you take this woman...?" to which the groom looked at his bride to be and asked, quite loudly, "Do I?"

best music video... ever

2009-03-31T18:59:00.002-07:00

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741

this video is about hope. hope that we can go beyond our differences and see what is really important. stand by me.
join the movement - http://playingforchange.com

the gay agenda

2009-03-23T20:24:00.001-07:00

When I was a pastor I used to talk about helping people. it was easy for a church to help people who were looking to be helped. Churches brag about what they are doing in the community for single moms, or families with problems. But try to talk about helping certain groups of people and everyone’s sphincter starts to pucker.

How do you help out homosexuals, or shemales, or transgendered individuals or transvestites or hookers?

Truth is, churches don’t help out those kind of people because they can’t handle those kind of people. What if 20 drag queens showed up in your middle class church and wanted to teach Sunday school? What if a transvestite wants to be on your board?

All week I’ve been thinking about some new friends. I have started a relationship with a gay couple in mission. They are amazing guys and I love hanging around with them. This week I sat across the table from one of them as he described for me going to church as a child. He said he quit because he got tired of being told he was going to hell every week. He got tired of being thought of as a dirty pervert.He knows I’m a Christian. In many ways, I’m the enemy - but he told me anyway. I was profoundly moved that he chose to trust me enough to be that honest. The problem is I’m basically conservative by nature. I come from generations of gay-bashing military people who used to talk about "beating up fags". And as I sat there I could just feel the pain, the incredible pain. And I told myself I would figure out a way to talk to someone like my friend, and the thousands of people like him, about love without all the hoops and the strings attached… and the condemnation.

It’s complicated. Christians are supposed to love them but not accept their lifestyle. This is what I have been taught for years. I was told that homosexuality is a sin. When people become Christians they are supposed to give up that lifestyle, like any other sin, and become happily heterosexual. It may be difficult but it is absolutely non-negotiable. Some may choose to live celibate, but no same sex love ever again. I imagine sitting across from my friend – a brilliant, articulate and caring man in a monogamous marriage, and telling him that he has to divorce his husband to become a Christian. He must further give up any hope of sexual fulfillment and force himself to transition into a heterosexual way of life. As a conservative Christian I have been conditioned to believe this.

I remember 12 years ago when a few of us looked at the Indian Friendship Center and wondered why churches weren’t doing anything for the poor. Sure lots of churches talked about helping the poor but no one was doing anything. So we started trying to help. Then about 50 of them showed up for our Sunday morning service and ate all the snacks and turned our entrance into a smoking area and scared away some of our friends. One of my techie buddies told me that he was quitting the church because it made him uncomfortable to see all the ‘dirty’ people. It was nothing personal of course… In those days that was the ragged edge of relevance.

These days you can’t punt a kitten without hitting someone who is giving free stuff to homeless people in Mission, including us. Every day you can eat up to four times for free. Churches are finally lining up to help and the result is, they don’t need my help anymore. In my area the homeless/church relationship is starting to work and as a result Christians are celebrating that they have finally found a way to relate to the community at large. Or have they?

So anyway I’m talking to my new friend on Thursday and it hits me – this is the last great challenge for the church in Canada. Gay and lesbian people are genuinely interested in spiritual matters but it is virtually impossible for the evangelical church to speak into their lives on any meaningful level. And to be frank, there is little or no hope that this is going to change anytime soon. Gay people are not interested in adopting our heterosexual lifestyle and they are not needy. They have strong opinions and feelings about their choices and will not bend in order to join your church. For the church to have any credibility with the homosexual community it is going to have to get messy, very messy. It is going to have to re-examine it’s theology and practice. It is going to have to give on some foundational issues and look beyond their sexual choices. Churches have not traditionally done this very well.

I am not sure if the conservative church is ever going to be willing to do what it will take to open a dialogue and a relationship with this growing and active group of dynamic and worthwhile people. I believe it will only start when both sides put down their weapons and see past the revulsion and the differences long enough to realize we are all in need of grace. I for one am finding that I genuinely like my new friends and really could care less who they go home with at night. I am not interested in "converting" them to anything; I just think they are amazing people. I am more concerned that they don’t write me off just because of my lifestyle choices… it’s kind of ironic actually.

Matthew 25: 45 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to look out for someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.'
that verse haunts me...

2009-03-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

Li found not criminally responsible in bus beheading

... unbelievable

2009-03-04T14:43:00.001-08:00

why i don't care if air canada is having financial problems

2009-03-01T21:55:00.001-08:00

over 2 hours on hold for the first person to pick up the phone. if i ran my business like that i would be bankrupt in a month. who do they think they are, the government?

best... interview... ever

2009-02-26T09:17:00.000-08:00

he doesn't matter

2009-02-25T21:41:00.002-08:00

last week i was clearing a table at my restaurant. 4 young adults were talking at the next table, probably about something personal. they saw me coming and stopped talking. one of them turned to the others and asked, "can we talk around him". another replied, "sure, he's just a waiter, he doesn't matter".

pure gold.

honestly i didn't worry about the affront to my tender ego. there were no pensive moments of reflection upon my feelings of whether or not i matter in the world. i understood what was going on. in a few seconds you will too.

people talk around waiters all the time. and maids, and house cleaners and other domestics. they are the invisible people, quietly going about their business. it's easy to forget they are listening to you. but they are. the next time you are in a restaurant it may help you to know that your waitress is keenly aware of what you are saying. they also talk about you in the kitchen. you would be shocked to learn how much restaurant people talk about the customers. it's an abusive job and mocking out people sometimes calms the stress. it's a fact of life that i was not aware of before i got into this business.

"he doesn't matter".

but they do. they are watching you. when you leave a bible tract or pray too loud or treat them poorly they notice. they can tell you are a minister or a christian or whatever you are. they hear you talk about them. they feel the patronization. they harbor the complaints. when you send back food or take it out on your waiter they talk about you when you leave. if you don't tip at least 10% they call you cheap. they notice.

some of the worst, and best, customers we have in my restaurant call themselves christians. some are gracious and kind, many others are arrogant and preachy and cheap. they talk constantly, loud enough, about spiritual things and church and other people then leave a 50 cent tip. not all, but enough.

recently i have had several christians from my old life talk to me via email, or at the store, and tell me they are praying for me, thinking of me - but they don't come to the restaurant. don't pray for me, buy something. don't tell me you care, then boycott the restaurant.

i spent years wondering how to reach out to people in my community, only to find out that it was necessary to actually be a part of that community before anyone would listen. i have been astounded to learn that though i believed that as a pastor i was making inroads into the community, even working part time, that i was still an outsider. having the restaurant has given me a chance to meet people on equal footing, to hear and understand for the first time. business people talk to me, to annette, to lori. they tell us about their religious patrons - both the good, the bad and the ugly. they too have opinions.

they also matter. they are listening. make sure you know that.

when the best hollywood minds converge...

2009-01-30T15:45:00.002-08:00

Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'

Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: "A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!"

Britney on capital punishment: "I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time."

Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: "I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."

Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: "Doesn't that hurt?"

defiance

2009-01-29T09:57:00.000-08:00

a good movie, though somewhat controversial in it's retelling of history.

the scene - old jewish women surround a young german soldier as he cries out that he has a wife and child. one of the jews cries out, "so did i!" the horrific scene unfolds as the frail, hungry women beat the german to death with sticks and rifle butts.

good people drawn to horrible deeds.

watching the movies on the rwandian massacre it seems unbelievable how ordinary people could be guilty of such butchery, such blood crimes. i have often wondered what could drive a person to such acts. surely i could not be forced, coerced, cajoled into acting like that?

even as i write this i know there are circumstances under which i could become that monster. if someone raped my wife, or hurt my children, there is no power on earth that could suppress what would happen. i love the story of the bus driver who sacrificed hitting his own son rather than a large group of strangers. i think it's a good story, but not my story. i would run over the lot of you in a heartbeat to protect my kids and not even think twice. there is no way.

there is something evil in all of us. bible people call it 'original sin'. there is a propensity for evil in my being that occasionally shocks me. as much as we suppress and deny, there is no denying that given the right situation at the wrong time i am bound to do the wrong thing. too often when this happens we excuse ourselves, blame another or even say "god told me to". i wish it was someone else's fault. i wish it was because i was improperly bottle fed as a child, but it's not. it's all me. i try to clean it up, make it look acceptable but nothing works.

when i was a kid my dad took me fishing on primrose lake. primrose lake is a private military lake that is used for target practice and inaccessible to the general public. my dad pulled a few strings and before i knew it we were fishing between bombardments. it was incredible. the fish practically jumped in the boat. it took 20 minutes for three of us to catch our limit of big, big fish. the cleaning took far longer than the catching.

we filled our freezer with fish that summer. summer also brought holiday time and before long we were off to the family camping trip, thoughts of primrose lake far behind us. what we didn't know was that, just before we left, someone had accidently pulled the plug on our huge freezer.

two weeks later.

we got home and the house reeked of bad fish. why, we wondered, was that odor so pronounced? it didn't take us long to find our way downstairs and finally open the now completely defrosted freezer... full to the brim with brine and water and dead smelly fish. what to do?

it was tempting to just just close that lid and walk away. we could have dressed up that freezer, even painted it a new color, but that wouldn't have changed what was inside it. we could have hired a psychotherapist to talk to the fridge, maybe a pastor could have come by and cast a demon out of the thing. it would not have mattered. dress up that thing any way you want and the fact remains that it still is a freezer full of rotting fish. no amount of therapy could have changed that.

that's alot like me... like you. i try to make excuses for my idiocy and blame someone else but at the end of the day the fact remains that it is still my mess-o-fish. it is not my ex-wife's problem or my kids or my parents, it isn't even my ex-churches issue - it is mine alone. at the end of the day i can blame whoever i want, it's still my problem.

so why is this so hard to accept?

jealous

2009-01-22T09:45:00.002-08:00

i admit it, i'm jealous.

right now several pastor types i know are spending thousands of church dollars at a conference, a 'retreat' to recharge and re-envision their ministries (horrible word). i'm jealous.

i follow the antics of a few people in my local town who have churches. it seems they are away more than they are here. sure it's "ministry" time but the fact is, they get to fly somewhere or drive somewhere or experience something the rest of us cannot. usually someone else is paying for it.

blogs these days are full of ministry retreat opportunities, emerging conferences, nights and weeks out and full of interaction. i'm jealous.

the problem is, i remember what it was like. i could argue that i was rarely away, but still enjoyed the freedom and occasional afternoon nap. i got paid to study. i miss it.

i spoke with a pastor a couple weeks ago who is taking his staff with him, spouses included, to a retreat in the interior. the bill for the church is somewhere in the neighborhood of 12,000 bucks. he asked why i was not coming. besides the time off, unpaid that is, the bill would be around 800 dollars, minimum. the club gives pretty much every dime to our orphanage. i pitched the idea of me going to the conference to the club people. we decided it wasn't worth the kids going hungry.

i have nothing against retreats, other than the huge jealousy thing.
i wonder about the extravagance.
i wonder about the sheer volume of days away that pastors get.
i wonder about the last time a pastor around here had a real job.

obamamania

2009-01-22T08:55:00.002-08:00

i hesitate to even write anything. it seems that people have built up the new president to such a degree that there is an almost sacred quality to the man - the new messiah, the saviour of western civilization, the next jfk, the next mlk jr. the black and white jesus.

people in the west are like crows, i heard this week. we love shiny things.

the guy is just a dude. a very very rich dude who is incubated from the average citizen by layers of bureaucracy and red tape. he runs perhaps the most corrupt government around. he is indebted millions of dollars to special interest. he is surrounded by power brokers and professional civil servants with much more experience. he is mortal. he is sinful.

someday in the near future he will undoubtedly screw up. we all do. at that point there will be people who are disillusioned, amazed. didn't we trust him? wasn't he the great new hope?

it is always dangerous when we put our leaders on pedastals. people have a habit of falling from the heights. yet we still continue to elevate our rock gods and tv icons and religious elite. there is something in us that needs a hero. and we are usually disappointed.

i like obama, at least much more than bush. but the fact remains that he is not my president. it is not my country. a close neighbor but a stranger nonetheless. i hope the president of that country will bring peace and prosperity to a troubled land. i hope but i will not be destroyed utterly if it does not happen. superman is dead. long live the real world.

give the guy a break.

well said

2009-01-22T08:27:00.002-08:00

from darryl's blog:

frantic

2009-01-15T09:39:00.004-08:00

it's a recession for the restaurant industry and i happen to own a new restaurant.

it is tempting to become frantic. bills pile up. people need to be paid. we have no sponsoring agency, no denomination to bail us out, no corporate deferment plan. we also have, by necessity, chosen to open an indy restaurant (not indian, indy) because we don't have a ton of money to pump into branding and advertisement.

it's easy to get frantic. you can feel the noose tightening and there is a tendency to shotgun any advertisement, any gimmick, to hopefully turn the corner. it's not that we are going to close anytime soon, but you can feel the frantic energy of desperation as you watch the cattle line up at tim hortons for coffee that is crap and the same price as you sell it for. maybe if we made our muffins in toronto and shipped them out...

this is a feeling i am familiar with. as a full time pastor for years i was guilty of gimmicks and desperation ploys. i would admit publicly that i would stand on my head and spit nickels if it could get people to church. i grew up, after all, in the church growth movement. nobody wants to admit it but for the past 30 or so years numbers were all that mattered. every year at general conference they never paraded the stagnant churches up to the front to speak and be recognized. the church has been so performance driven, so in love with success. that is why when it goes bad, it really goes bad. there is a recession of attendance, of momentum. people begin to leave. there is this insatiable drive to do something, do anything, to keep people coming through the doors. so much of our ego is tied up in success. we jump from methodology to flavor of the month, attend 'how-to' conference at american mega-churches, frantically taking notes and trying to hedge our bets. we fudged the numbers and exaggerated the roles. all in the name of god.

i am unapologetic with regard to the restaurant. the goal is to be big, bloated and wealthy. why else would i kill myself 70 or 80 hours a week cooking and scrubbing pots? in order to pay for the kids in haiti and send beau overseas and feed the homeless we need cash and lots of it. when people eat at the restaurant they don't know it but they are supporting our orphanage. some days it makes me bitter as to why more church people don't come in, but that's another rant.

it's january in the wilderness. i am watching a few local churches in the throws of frantic desperation. they are no longer the 'new kid on the block'. numbers are down. momentum is non-existent. there is a hunger in the leadership - this desperate need to be successful, to grow, to compete. they can see the dwindling attendance and the fear, the frustration drives them to do whatever it takes. at any cost.

i go to the club. without a doubt the club is the least likely to succeed pseudo religious gathering in my town. the need for numbers and growth and budgets, elders and statistics have long been abandoned. what is left is a small group of people who understand how insignificant they are in the political universe. i feel bad for those still driven to succeed, to report a decent growth. they have 70 thousand dollar salaries to pay, buildings to rent or pay off, support staff to provide for. there is a wealth of infrastructure to contend with. i have been there. theirs is a life that i have long since abandoned, but still feel the temptation to compete with. a very powerful temptation.

people say i am hard on the church. perhaps it's true. what most people don't know is that i still love church. i still love my last church and the one before that and the one before that. i, however, have the luxury of standing outside the fray. so much of church life is ridiculous, incestuous, schizophrenic. but there still remains that which i have given so much of my life to support. so much good. so many good people. i have fewer answers than i used to have but i remain committed to touching a world that has given up on sunday morning seeker services and church people. i am not sure of all the answers but i believe there is still a place in this world for unique, not rehashed, forms of expression and love. i intend to find out what those forms are.

but gone are the days when i will allow my heart to be ripped out by the need to succeed on the wrong terms.

rearranging deck chairs on the titanic

2009-01-12T09:30:00.002-08:00

a friend of mine is about to be canned from his job in a religious denomination. he doesn't know it, has no way of seeing it coming, but like the surety of rain in bc, it's going to happen whether he wants it to or not.

he has a huge problem, by evangelical standards. he is passionate, unpolitical, driven, and often given to an acute case of honesty. he's probably adhd. in the course of his "ministry" i have seen him piss off more people and get more done than anyone else i have ever known. he is a dervish. but for some reason he has gotten himself in over his head - he accepted a position within the mainstream and tried to implement change from within. they simply cannot handle his audacity and flare. goodbye friend.

i had a conversation with a mainline pastor recently. over the course of an hour he came to the conclusion that i was a "wildman". it's laughable actually. by most secular standards i am incredibly conservative. he admitted that there was probably no room for someone like me on his team. that's ok, i wasn't really looking. it was interesting, though, to debate intellectually the problem with such judgments. denominations, by their own admission, are looking to do "out of the box" stuff, radically change the world, and experiment with post-modernity and relevence to the secular community. they are mainly trying to do this with the tools they already have. my friend is working within a denomination that prides itself as being on the 'cutting edge' (yuk) yet cannot deal with someone who is far closer, yet still distant, to the society they are trying to impact. in fact, if you look around, most religious types have a remarkably similar personality. they are somewhat outgoing though politically astute. they fall within the middle of the personality continuum. it's shocking actually. there are few marginal personalities that ever thrive in professional ministry. and again, like so many who have gone before him, my friend will soon find himself in some para-church organization or secular employment that is more suseptible to his unique gifts and radical abilities.

late christmas present

2009-01-08T16:52:00.002-08:00

my boy ben got me this t-shirt, which arrived today. he's knows how much i love acdc so...

truth is stranger than fiction

2009-01-08T09:11:00.001-08:00

life in a micro-shell...

this morning on the way in to work i was accosted by three guys who obviously are a little down on their luck. they were singing, very loudly, "showers of blessing" as i passed them by and stopped me to ask me "how are you today brother". i mentioned i was ok, to which one responded, "no, how is your soul today". again i assured them that my soul was just fine.

with that the leader said, "well that's a blessing, do you have any spare change?"

an ordinary life

2009-01-04T20:36:00.002-08:00

i work in a restaurant. after 21 years of pastoring i'm your waiter. deal with it.

last week someone came into the restaurant from my last church. we talked casually, we reminisced, we laughed. as they rose to leave they commented, "wow, look how far you've fallen, you used to be somebody." i was shocked, then i laughed. and laughed. they left probably wondering if i had been drinking. how sad and pathetic the ex-pastor had become.

there was a time in my recent past when i would have understood, even agreed with what they were hinting. like many christians i once had an elevated opinion of ordained ministry. as i have mentioned in other posts, pastors generally regard themselves as the first among equals. there is a certain unspoken understanding that what we do for a living is slightly, or greatly, more significant than what you do. after all, we are making a difference for eternity, you are only making a living. as pope boniface VIII said in the 13th century, we are in charge of souls, which is far more important than bodies.

if i have learned anything in the past 4 years it has been to appreciate the work a day struggle of the proletariat, the common folk who dedicate our lives to nothing more noble than caring for our families and helping our friends. it seems, at first glance, to not be as noble a calling, but perhaps a calling nonetheless.

from time to time i want to explain to people that i still do the "ministry" thing on a subversive level, that i still am a "pastor" though in point of fact i really don't want to be most days. there is something still within me that wants to cry out that i am still significant, even though i'm just a business man. i want to add a huge 'but' after that title. a part of my ego still buys into the pastoral supremacy myth. being a minister made me a somebody, a person who stood out from the crowd.

not just your waiter.

on an interesting side note, an assoicate from my last church is getting married in the restaurant in a few weeks. my old associate pastor is performing the wedding. the room, my restaurant, will be swarming with people who i used to pastor (some of whom think very little of me). i am certain that on that day i will feel a little awkward - i am after all still serving them; only this time as their waiter, their chef, even their bartender.

i guess that's good enough for me.

step one - form vs. substance

2008-12-31T08:11:00.008-08:00

i'm not cool. it is somewhat hard for me to admit but recently i have come to realize i'm officially not there anymore. i have children who can out cool me without trying, i only last week found out who "mama ga ga" is, i think twitter is inane, and frankly, though i have a hot wife, i'm pretty sure she settled.

self realization is hard. but as a long time benefactor of the 12 step movement i realize that admitting i have a problem is the first step to recovery... or in this case.... acceptance.

though it may initially sound trite, it is deadly serious if you know me. for 20 years i pastored with the subconscious understanding that cool was the most important thing. being perceived as cool was what defined me, drove my ego, and dictated my directions. it was all important to be perceived as the maverick, the marginal, the innovator. i wore my cool like a badge of honor. i got the right peircings, the correct amount of facial hair, the right clothes and swore the ascribed amount of times per conversation. i drank when it was still vanguard for pastors to imbibe. i pissed people off just to see how they would respond (one thing i'm probably not going to give up). i used phrases like "pissed people off just to see how they would respond". it's tough to admit but so very true. being thought of as a cool person was always more important than being thought of as a spiritual person. it defined my career, my goals, my relationships.

perhaps that is why it drives me crazy when i see it in other, younger pastors and leaders. when i watch them dress to kill, say the right things, spend much more time on form than substance it harkens back to my own immaturity. i am quick to take shots at young pastors and leaders who spend way way way too much time on their stupid dreadlocks (which i would kill for) while on their book tour or speaking circuit. i hate watching the 2o or 30 something pastor strut and ooze confidence while introducing me to his pseudo hot, far too self-absorbed wife. i hate lip rings and nose rings, not because they aren't cool, but because i immediately assume they got them for the wrong reason.

the problem is me.

the things we despise in others is often a reflection of what we hate about ourselves. so while i watch other fresh recruits go down the same road i have wandered it's good for me to remind myself that they are just imitating people like me (god forbid) and pressured by the same middle class conformism that i have been.

and while i do that i'll try to stammer out the words.... 'i'm not cool... i'm not cool'. fake it til you make it.

change the world

2008-12-25T04:18:00.000-08:00

merry christmas ben. you rock my world.

for month's you've been trying to tell me what you want for christmas. at first i fought you on it, it didn't seem like a christmas gift. you are still young enough for me to want to excite you with stupid stuff.

all you wanted for christmas was to change the world.

you know this already but i'm doing this in a public forum so i'll repeat what you already know. we have an orphanage in haiti. if we don't feed them, they don't eat. it's a life and death thing.

so we bought you what you really wanted. this morning, a world away, 30 orphans, for the very first time in their life, are going to get a christmas present - a small gift and some 5ndy. the card will simply read, "love Ben". it's hard for me to write this without getting choked up.

merry christmas son. you inspire me to make a difference.
i love you.

dad, annette, nate and matty

happy birthday beautiful

2008-12-14T23:55:00.001-08:00

my wife, annette is a year older today. she shares a birthday with such famous people as wendy cooper.

annette you are an amazing person. humble, beautiful, fun. i hope i can help this year be amazing for you.

best christmas commercial ever

2008-12-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

long, but so worth it - beware of the doghouse

the purpose-driven politician

2008-12-09T10:18:00.005-08:00

rick warren is in the news again. this time it's not for pedaling his latest rehash of the purpose driven life/teen/woman/christmas/ferret. like so many right-wing evangelical and fundamentalist preachers before him, warren espouses the use of military force to eliminate regimes that the united states deems inappropriate. i'm actually quite surprised.

i have made no excuse for my distate for 'the purpose-driven life'. it has been a long time since i have given much credence to 'by the numbers' faith with proven results. it's not that warren isn't a good guy, he probably is an amazing guy. i'm simply done with formulaic religion that gives us 3 easy steps to success. my faith, and the faith of so many around me, just doesn't seem to work out that way. for some reason god doesn't jump through my hoops very often.

this latest little foray into politics is unfortunate. i was a little put off by the mega-church king maker inviting the presidential hopefuls to his church but nonetheless, that was also part jealously. our prime minister rarely calls me. i can't even get a decent response from jordon cooper, canada's online pope, anymore.

as an outsider to the american way of life i may not be qualified to comment but that has rarely stopped me. it is frustrating to witness the marriage of religion and right-wing politics. it's even harder coming from canada where our political fervor is restricted to the price of gas and the tax on beer. perhaps, having lived only a few years in the united states, i do not understand the issues. but i do remember that day, september 11. i was in los angeles at the time and remember vividly the right wing radio commentators telling the people to suspect all foreigners, even the peace and bacon loving canadians. my buddy jason johnson and i were actually nervous driving on the interstates, knowing we were potential terrorists. very surreal.

unfortunately the purpose-driven patriot has revealed that he not only has a spiritual agenda, but a political one as well. he is being compared to the likes of jerry falwell and pat robertson. i'm fairly certain it will not affect his multi-million dollar book rehashes too adversely, but it may have given middle evangelicalism yet another black eye as the huddled masses evidence, once again, the incredible polarization and irrelevence of western christianity.

but then again, i have a cold...