Scott Free

All You Need is 'LIKE'

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 21:34:00 +0000

How's your history doing? Are you old enough to remember the 60s? How about the 70s then? Hmm....The 80s? 90s??

Do you remember anything???

That's alright. If you do happen to remember the last few decades or even parts of them, some of my parts are blurry for certain, then you might be familiar with the 'Love Generation' and Generation X. While the 'Love Generation' of the 60s comes to mind with visions of happy dancing flower children and Generation X reminds us of Kurt Cobain and a decade or two of inward searching emptiness (and a real hit and miss when it comes to music), there is a new Generation planting its flag.

And I call it...The 'LIKE' Generation.

The word 'Love' is just too intimate for this commitmentphobic generation. We all have cell phones now. We can all get by on text messages to our friends, family and loved ones. Hell. We can even do business that way. You'll notice that Facebook doesnt ask you to Love anyone does it? That's just too personal. That would be weird! We just 'Like' them.

Perhaps we all need a few more choices when it comes to our social networking. Maybe Facebook should add some buttons. Maybe they need to add a 'I Like You More Than "Friend Name"' button. Why not add a button that says 'Buy Me Dinner and We'll See.' And how about a button that says it like it really is most of the time ... 'Assume I Like You.'

The 'Like' Generation is too entitled for my taste. It was too easy for them. When I was a kid only the first place winner got a trophy. Second and third place received a ribbon. And when it came to the long jump...I had to settle for bupkiss. What's with all the kids getting gold stars and trophies now?

Time Magazine calls the 'Like' Generation...the 'ME ME' Generation. Actually, I think they're onto something. Just take out the space from 'ME ME' and you get the word MEME...which is the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkin's word denoting a psychological gene. Memes are the brands we buy and the ideas we infect others with. Memes are the viruses of the mind that make us who we are throughout our cultural as well as our environmental development.

You Generation 'Likers' will have to forgive me. I like to do my own thinking thank you. Of course, I know a lot of you who are freethinkers too. And I applaud you. Sadly though, too many 'Likers' are coasting along the cultural wave spending daddys money on the right clothes, do's, mp3s, and other generally useless crap.

I'm not crazy about doing business with the 'Like' Generation. Since when does business benefit from that same distant approach to relationships that you see on Facebook? "I'll have my secretary text you?" Really? How bout not?

So you went to college. You got your degree in Business Admin. You dress the part and look like the folks on 'the Hills'. You have just enough of the 'right' friends. And speaking of which, you have almost 500 Facebook friends. You would have more but you trimmed the fat and got rid of those friends who didnt bother commenting on your post about your pupply getting drunk at the after bar you barely made it back from.

Why did you take a dog to an after bar anyway?? Lame. For that I may have to 'Unlike' you.

I dont really care who you're trying to be Generation 'Like.' I'm more interested in who you are without that tornadic trail of memes around you. I know you like Radiohead, Lady Gaga and Journey. I know your favorite movie is The Boondock Saints. I know you are attending the Christmas Party at Donnas. And I know that you couldnt sleep last night because you posted on Facebook about your ex calling you all night long.

Im not sure I've ever even met you Generation 'Like'. I'm glad we're friends on Facebook and I wouldnt dare Unfriend you. After all...you deserve better!

But I deserve better too. If, at the end of the day, you really want me or anybody else to care about you, your business, and those things that are important to you, then you need to stop chasing your 15 minutes on Facebook and realize that life is not so much a goal as a journey. No one wins in the end though we we can all win often enough along the way.

I lived a long time without Facebook. And you'll hear me and a lot of other Gen Xers tell you that there's a lot more living in those details....details easily missed when life is experienced via texts, social media and friend requests.

Gee. I wonder if I should send God a friend request? You know...just to make sure.

Duh! Being!

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 09:33:00 +0000

When it comes to partying, apparently nobody parties quite like actor Charlie Sheen. What do you call 5 hookers, 5 tennis ball sized coke baggies, and a paid off preggo pornstar?... Just another weeknight with the Warlock!

Seeing as only Jesus Christ Himself could actually live, or better yet rise, from a binge like that...Charlie Sheen is in good company to author a spiritual bestseller. Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA? That sounds awfully religious to me!

Autocorrect My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 10:54:00 +0000

These days our smartphones are so very smart that they can actually have blonde moments. Sure, the little doohickeys seem to be working well. The pixels are all pixeling; the diodes are all dioding; the chips are all...chipping. Unfortunately, that smart phone is too smart for its, and more importantly our, own good. Brain fart...and that pimp superphone just autocorrected your ass.

The future is more or less now...and nothing like we expected it to be. Decades ago we all imagined flying cars, phasers, and monorails atop our floating cities. What we got was an economy that couldnt afford any of that even if we could build it. So we settle for gadgets, little personal reminders that we live in the world of tomorrow...today. Only, Capt Kirk would be texting Scotty to beam back up to the ship. And its more than likely that Scotty would beam Kirk into the middle of the sun ... all because that stupid communicator autocorrected his text message.

'Scotty! It's Kirk! We're being attacked by the Klingons! Beam us back to the sun!! Shit!! Scotty...wait ... ship...not sun!!! NOT SUN!!!! ... ttyl.'

The Autocorrect ruins lives. I've made more than a few Freudian slips when it just happened to kick in once when I was texting a girlfriend. At least she thought they were Freudian slips. Hell, who knows? Apparently my smart phone was doing the thinking for me.

I'm beginning to wonder about the Autocorrect Effect. Think about it. If the phones Autocorrect because they were programmed to 'expect' or 'anticipate' certain words or word combinations, then how different is that really from other expectations in life?

I for one feel 'Autocorrected' all the time in my life. I'm always being prejudged for something I'm not going to do anyway. And I'm always being reminded of how I was or should be thinking or feeling by people who are obviously experts when it comes to my personal thoughts and feelings. Again...there go the relationships! poof!

Actually. That explains a lot.

The women in my life have been programmed by society to anticipate that all I'm interested in is sex. No...that's a typo! But it's too late and the message was sent by first wave feminists and sexist commercial propaganda. Poor me. Poor everyman. Lets all just give up and live down to those worst expectations!

What 'type' am I? Well...if I spelled it out it would say one thing. But once everyone around me 'Autocorrected' me, I suppose I wouldnt recognize the message that I was sending either.

We're all getting Autocorrected. Maybe enlightenment is the art of not Autocorrecting the original message. Hmm...I hope that message doesnt get Autocorrected. Maybe I'm really onto hamburger.

... No! 'Something!' Not 'hamburger'. Damn... see!!?

I wonder what would have happened had holy books been Autocorrected...

'In the beginning...Fish created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was wife's form and bulls.' - the Bible...Autocorrected.

Would we all be worshipping fish now? Which wife?? What fucking bulls!!!???

Another good question is just what have we Autocorrected in our lexicon of human history? Maybe Alexander wasnt so great. Maybe Alexander was grouchy or late or something. 'Hey look! It's that damned Alexander. Always late everywhere he goes. Alexander the ...

Great.'

I guess it could work to my advantage now that I think of it. After all, I have been the real architect of my own destruction. Perhaps a lucky stroke of Autocorrect will serve the whims of providence one day and secure my place in those hallowed halls of personal greatness.

Scott Fish. The Creator.

Image Submitted by Cindy

A Band Apart

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 09:13:00 +0000

I've been thinking of some band names recently. Most band names are universally ridiculous. 'The Flaming Lips?' Really? That's a disease. There's gotta be an ointment for that.

Usually people just throw together a Verb and a Noun. It's the classic 'Verbing Nouns.'

Screw all that...Here are some that will doubtlessly catch on...

1. Sudden Lion Attack Catastrophe!

2. The Pumping Pretty

3. The Tropical Lemonades

4. Mixed Up Jesus Christ Rhythms

5. Rendezvous Symphony Awareness

6. Methodical Jones

7. Big Tapper

8. Juice Bar Fantasy

9. 5 Second Countdown

10. Damnation Afterthoughts

11. Grilled Salmon Simpletons

12. Muskrat Weenie Philosophers

13. Chrome Illness

14. Maestro Lovestruck

15. Moving Violations

16. Some Sick Uncle

17. The Box Bums

18. Mallory Has A Hickey

19. No Rest For The Milkmen

20. Sunrise Repeaters

I'm just throwin some ideas out there. If any of these are real bands then its purely by coincidence. Great minds barf up horrible ideas alike. If you'd like to hang one of these band name shingles on your band then by all means. Just tell em Scott Free gave you the idea and give me tickets to your concert!

Suspension of Disbelief

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 06:17:00 +0000

Seriously...Who would RUN from HER???

When I was a kid everything just made sense. There was a Santa Claus. There was one Religion. And whatever you saw on TV or read in a comic book...you could take to the bank.

I'm not a kid anymore so I guess I'm just not as gullible as I once was. Perhaps I can attribute that to years of experience and learning. But for whatever I have gained...havent I also lost something along the way?

People have a habit of making fun of the trends and cultures of bygone eras. Bell bottoms. Big eighties hair. But take a look around. It's not so different now. This is the era of fauxhawks, cell phone obsession, Tap Out and Affliction Shirts and other disasters.

I grew up watching 'The Bionic Man', 'Buck Rogers', 'That's Incredible', 'The Love Boat' and 'Fantasy Island.' The real difference between the shows then and now was that back then everyone was looking good and getting laid between the action. Today...it's about killing the crap out of each other or about finding the person who killed the crap out of someone.

I guess we've lost our innocence. And with that we've lost our suspension of disbelief. We question everything now...especially religion...love...and our own modern versions of 'happiness.'Maybe thats why no one is really happy anymore. We arent innocent enough to enjoy life as it is. We question our personal standards of living and happiness until we're thoroughly depressed.

Bring back the innocence.

Of course...some things really dont make sense.

For instance:

1. Why do people run from Wonder Woman? She's amazingly hot, and sweet enough to talk out of punishing you. Maybe you'd even want to be punished by Wonder Woman? What about that Magic Rope of hers? One comedian once said that if she used it on him he'd tell her the truth alright...He'd tell her he wanted to have sex with her. Yeah...that's the truth.

2. How did we all buy that story about Santa Claus? He traveled all over the world in one night and kept track of all of that? That's almost as crazy as thinking that a snake gave an apple to the first girl and that's what explains New Jersey.

3. What kind of woman would have sex with Spider Man?? Thats fricken disgusting. Peter Parker is half SPIDER. Wow. How sexy is that? Probably not so sexy when you're pregnant with a hundred football sized spider babies. Ick.

4. Back to Wonder Woman. Really? I'd do something bad just to get her attention.

5. Happily Ever After? Like that ever happens. When the credits roll on ANY love story and it says 'The End'...they aren't kidding.

6. Those pants really dont make you look fat. You're just fat.

7. How many times did the Dukes of Hazzard have to send the 'General Lee' to the repair shop? And can you really lead the police on a car chase every single day and NOT go to prison? Try it.

8. Sure the Flat Earth idea was bogus. But what's at the end of the universe? How is that any better? 'Here there be monsters'?

Just some errant thoughts. Without suspension of disbelief on a daily basis, I think we'd all be either really sane or really crazy. Maybe it's relative...just like belief is.

But again...there's a bodacious babe chasing me with a magic rope...

Gaming News: Pimps Added to Popular 'World of Warcraft'

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 08:20:00 +0000

It had to happen sooner or later. Early versions of MMORPGs (nerd for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) such as Ultima Online by Lord British and Everquest both allowed players to be street vendors. Players could establish characters simply to sell or trade items in the game. Answering other in game demands, World of Warcraft by Blizzard is introducing it's newest expansion module...as well as its newest character class.

Break out your Pimp Cups gamers. As early as September, World of Warcraft (WOW) novices and veterans alike will be travelling the new lands of 'The Hoods'. The new Warcraft expansion module, entitled 'The Ghetto Zones' will feature all new terrain including 'the projects' and 'diesel alley.'

Most exciting of all however, is the new Pimp character class. Watch your purse strings warriors! Sure Necromancers can summon awesome demonic pets. But just check out the pets the new Pimp class can summon!

Neville, a ten year veteran of WOW, had this to say about playing the Pimp class in Beta testing...

"I started my Pimp in Diesel Alley. Pimps can be good or evil so I chose to be a good pimp. I spend a lot of time earning experience doing community service. I've given away a lot of basketballs to be level 60. The Pimp class pets are outstanding! Starting at level 4 your Pimp receives his 'Runaway Hustle' spell. Basically, you can gather up stray female NPCs. At level 21 you finally get your 'Summon Streetwalker' spell...which...ROCKS! The graphics are so fantastic that I dont even surf porn anymore. This game really has it ALL now.'

Pimps can wield 'Pimp Cups,' 'Pimp Canes' and 'Pimp Charisma'. Their main melee move is the dreaded 'Bitchslap.'

Pimp Pets include: The Able Runaway. The Burn Out. The Streetwalker. Mommy's Little Secret. Milf Gone Bad. The Porn Queen. And the awesomely powerful ... Bottom Bitch.

Some of the Pimp Abilities include: The Hustle. The Shake Off. Recognize. Dealer Management. Ho Tracking. Pimp Speak. And Protect a Bitch.

While it is possible for players to be 'Hos' in the game, there is at this time no distinct 'Ho' class. Players have to decide whether their character qualifies as a Ho. Pimps can only track NPC Ho's but there is speculation that Blizzard will be allowing players to be Hos in the future. Early beta testers suggested a kind of character toggle similar to a PVP flag. Essentially, if you decide to flag your female Night Elf as a 'Ho' then the Pimps can find her and conscript her into 'service' with their 'Ho Tracking' ability.

It may take a bit of work...but it's likely worth it to the players.

Players may outfit their Pimps with 'bling', hats, suits, canes, cups, gold teeth and unspendable cash wads. As for transportation? The gnomes have been busy...and have created the 'Cadillac'.

"This Pimp class is really exciting," remarks Neville, "I'm finally really getting to do what I want to do in game. I spent all last week just driving around collecting money from my Hos, protecting my pets and periodically using my Bitchslap to keep them in line. There's more to life than a game though...so I've been trying some of this out at my school. I have some real earners there too now!"

WOW.

...

Nothing

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 09:52:00 +0000

Pretty simple little song I put together. Lost a good friend and it made me think of something a long time ago. For those who want to play along its fingerstyle for the most part. Chords are Em, C, Am and D. But its like a chicken...its better plucked.

Late at night before I can dream

Before I can escape the pain of this thing

I lie awake and wrestle with the pain

My thoughts race...like a man going insane

I dont believe the dawn will ever come

I think tonight the night has finally won

I reach for you out in the empty space

I hear your voice...I see your pretty face

Chorus

And I feel it now

Like its there somehow

Even when there's nothing

It's not fair to me

That you're there to me

Even when there's nothing

It's like you took a piece of me away

Though its gone... I still feel it anyway

The limb is lost...but the feelings remain

The ghost in the machine...the image in my brain

Repeat the Chorus x2 - Fin

Find Some Life

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 05:56:00 +0000

I believe that if its not moving with you...then its dead. So it's time to move on. You heard me right. Every day could be your last. So it's always time to go out and find some life.

I happened to wander into a bar with some friends. We played some pool, drank some beers and filled a nearly empty room with lies and bad jokes. A guitar playing guy I knew had left a gig at another bar and was strumming six strings. We coaxed him to join us at the bar and before long we were all singing to the same tune.

Sadly, I didnt have the Nagual in my car. But I belted out some 'Knockin on Heaven's Door' and, for the while, we made a place in the world for ourselves.

It's that simple really. Stop running from what you dont want. Stop running to what you do want. Stay where you are...and want that. ;)

No More Love Songs

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 13:33:00 +0000

Rolling Stone raves...

"Ordinarily is the future of music. With hits like "Making Breakfast" and "Mowing the Lawn", Free takes us on a journey of the absurdly normal. You wont hear a single 'baby' on this entire album. I was captivated by the lyrics of "Paying the Bills". Who could forget 'I dont know where you get your thrills...but I get mine...paying the bills.' It's stuck in my head now."

The Village Voice shouts!

"Scott Free is reinventing the song. First there was 'reality' tv. Now there is 'reality' music. It's a giant leap forward."

Billboard Magazine agrees...

"Five out of four stars! I listened to this album on the way to work and felt like I had already payed my bills, mowed my lawn, made my breakfast and watched tv. It's like bottled life man. It's just that great. Bottled life."

Spin Weighs In...

"If he (Scott Free) sells out...then I'll have a problem with God."

Ordinarily

1. Paying the Bills

2. Mowing the Lawn

3. Making Breakfast

4. Taking Out the Trash (feat Justin Timberlake)

5. Driving to Work

6. Watching TV

7. Morning Rituals

8. Reading My Mail

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:36:00 +0000

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Heart of America

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 06:44:00 +0000

Every year in the month of August, the fair sets up in Springpatch. It brings with it all of the traditional sights and sounds...and smells. There are rides, barking carneys, funnel cakes galore and plenty of exhibits and booths to peruse.

I made my way to the fair today braving these awful dog days of summer. For me, the best thing about the local fair is the sense of nostalgia it brings with it. I have lots of memories of fairs over the years. Going back is just like looking through an old photo album.

I wonder why they sell so many knives at fairs? After all, fairs attract scores of young people, most of whom are wrestling with their adolescent tendencies. Do you really need a knife at a fair? Is a fair Man VS Wild territory where a knife is absolutely essential kit? I'm not convinced, but I bought a butterfly knife at a fair a few years ago because...one never knows.

Being a carnival barker must be a lot of fun. Put me up on the dunking booth and dress me in a clown suit all day long. Personally, I would love to have free license to insult passers by. "Hey bald guy. Is that really your head? Hey...I thought I saw the girl you're with yesterday with another guy...a guy with hair."

Seems like fun.

I tried my hand at being a carnival barker today. Stepping up to a vendor booth, I made a concerted effort to convince the salesgirl to throw a ceramic frog at a wandering visitor for one dollar. Surprisingly, she was up for it. I ran into a bit of a hitch when she realized that she was paying me a dollar to throw her own frog. I managed to make things right, however, when I reminded her that she could trade up for another item she owned of greater value if she could knock someone over.

I am now ten dollars richer. And the vendor has been arrested. I confess...my game was rigged.

I dont bother riding the rides at a fair. It used to be fun riding the rides when I brought a date who was a bit of a day tripper. She recoiled in horror at the though of riding the ferris wheel. Without a date at my side, rides lose their inherent sex appeal. Again...you never know.

Who came up with the idea of giving out goldfish for game prizes at the fair? That sounds more like a college prank gone wrong. Live animal prizes? Can I win a cat or something? I'd rather win a pet I dont have to flush. I spent some quality time tracking down the cat booth...but never found it.

There is a new sport at the fair in which little kids ride sheep rodeo style. It's a genius idea and I waited around for hours trying to get a glimpse of this sort of thing. Back home in Texas, riding sheep got you into a whole lot of trouble with the ranch manager. At the fair, it seems like real entertainment value. I would have put the helmet on and tried it myself. But sheep are dangerous.

I always enjoy the exhibits where people can win prizes for art, photography, crafts, agriculture and the like. I keep my eye out for really good stuff...and really bad stuff. The rest is just a blur. I dont know what makes one tomato that much better than another, but I was impressed by little Angela Peter's 4th grade watercolor of prison life. The 4th grade is obviously as hard as I remember it to be.

The fair is the best place in the world to people watch. When it is 100 degrees in the shade, everyone walks around listlessly...eyes all squinty. Fairs bring me back to my youth because of all of the high school kiddos wandering about like groups of varsity undead. You can always tell when a kid is freshly dating a girl because they are wrapped around each other wherever they go. Its as if one of them is afraid to let go.

Hmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong here! When I find a good girl I should......Squirrel~!!

Fair prizes really arent that cool. I have no place to put this colossal Scooby Doo. I wish they could just offer the prizes based on what you really wanted. For example...I would like some travel vouchers or some more guitar gear. A stuffed dog?? Really? Why?

Fairs are Heart of America kind of things. I honestly hope they never change. I'd be disappointed if the carneys showered or if the rides operated safely all the time. What's the world without a decent Ferris Wheel? I want a strongman hammer test. I want my weight guessed. And I feel better having had my future discerned by the professional palm reader reading 'Ladies Home Journal' in a tent.

I have no doubt that another visit to the fair is in my future sometime. You never can have enough ACDC posters after all.

...

CLutTeR

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:01:00 +0000

It is a widely held assertion that a person's environment is a kind of reflection of that person's inner self. As a psychologist myself, I tend to agree with this. But, as an example, you dont have to go to college to get a good idea of what's on a frat boys mind in his dorm room. Look around and you'll find a mini bar, ubiquitous beer posters with girls on them, a guitar in the corner and some unmentionables.

We all like to project our inner selves outwardly. So it's really quite telling when you take a look around someones home or office.

What brought this all to mind was sunlight. You see, I have a couple of large windows in my home office. Today after lunch I wandered into said office and paused at the door. I did a double take.

Bear in mind. I am a bit OCD when it comes to keeping things in their place. I like my lawn mowed. I like my kitchen clean. I insist on orderly living arrangements. And I even prefer tasteful decorative ambience.

I dont like clutter.

Every room in your pad is a kind of external compartmentalization of those congruent 'rooms' in your head. That being the case, my office represents my brain. And my brain is obviously a mess.

Some people are hoarders. They keep everything. That's not me. But I am in the idea business. I'm a designer, a writer, a musician and all that other stuff that requires a mental palette, an exacto knife...and hopefully a good eraser.

Lately, like some kind of mad creative scientist, I have been working on building a music studio into my office. It's a crazy idea. Im probably breaking laws or something. But I am compelled to mix my art with my work. Hmmm....where is Freud when I need him?

At any rate, I'm not in college anymore so the beer posters have been trumped by angels, travel art and glaring renaissance icons. I have a glass desk and a palm tree beside it. There's a Foster's surfboard lurking in the corner. Are those Japanese swords ever useful?

Most of the big stuff in my office, including my musical instruments, are neatly arranged. It's the stuff stacked on my desk that is particularly troubling. You see, I like to organize things I'm working on. Therefore, I have all of these folders and binders with my business stuff and art stuff in them. But I'm working on too many projects lately. So stuff is stacking up all over the place! I obviously am having trouble focusing!

If my office is my brain...then I just might need a therapist and a cleaning lady at the same time!

I'm really trying not to mix up my music stuff with my work stuff. That might just be disastrous! I'm sure one night I'll start playing some song on my guitar and find myself singing about point of sale, invoices and sku numbers. It's bound to happen.

Of course, life and art are inextricably joined together. Maybe I should write an album or something about supply, restaurants or bartending. The bartender album might actually be a good idea. Each song could be about a different drink, or a customer, or a piece of flair.

Perhaps, I could compose a bartender album of nothing but ballads. I'll name it...'Cock Tails.'

On second thought. That name might not be the best idea.

Gimme a second. I know that I have some good names buried under all of this somewhere. Let me look around for a minute...Hmm.

So that's where that went? I was looking for that.

I wonder if what's true for my office is true for my brain? Are some of my best ideas lost somewhere in my head never to be rediscovered? Can I, should I even dare, sift and sort through those musky old synapses? Am I paying storage fees!?

Are we all just mental hoarders, saving up useless memories that just get in the way more than anything? Or is the clutter around and inside of us just proof of life?

I prolly should just clean.

...

Going GaGa

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 08:06:00 +0000

Stefani Germanotta is my favorite new artist. Dont get me wrong. Im quite aware that Stefani is a bit more well known for her nickname, Lady GaGa. But GaGa is part of the art after all. Marilyn Monroe was the metamorphosis of Norma Jean. And GaGa is Stefani's butterfly.

I can't stop watching her early stuff on YouTube. The kid's just great. She's the Italian girl next door with loads of talent and enough drive to make it all matter. She writes her own lyrics and melodies. She spends her days designing way out and wild new clothes to wear. And, best of all, she plays the piano with her leg perched on the high octave. That's just cool.

There are lots of people in this world who put her down, or criticize her looks or voice or behavior or whatever. That's to be expected I suppose. No one is everyone's cup of tea. The world is an amalgam of opposites. And frankly, people fear and judge the unknown or something fresh.

Stef's fresh.

I spend a lot of time just creating stuff, or writing stuff, or composing stuff, or simply playing stuff. So I get it when I see someone else doing the same thing from the get go.

I've watched Stef on TV and I've seen her live concert and she seems pretty genuine to me. Most real artists are. It's the art that matters to the artist. And most artists have vulnerable egos. Performing a new song you wrote, for instance, is like walking naked into a room filled with the opposite sex and asking...'Well...what do you think?'

The music business is changing. These days artists premiere their new work on YouTube. If you take the time you'll find a lot of great acts just waiting in the wings somewhere. Right now...a lot of them have their eyes on Stefani.

I'll keep my eye on her too.

Sure, I like ACDC and Led Zepp, Aerosmith, Rob Zombie...the Doors...the Who...

I like talent. I like art. And I like to see someone's hard work paying off for them. I hope more young artists are inspired by Stefani's example. Good for her. And good for us when they are.

BACARDI BATMAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 10:45:00 +0000

My Evil Plans

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 09:33:00 +0000

To no one's surprise...I have decided to take over the world...effective immediately.

Therefore it is necessary for me to post this message to my subjects. In keeping to the spirit of True Evil...I will make my Evil Plans known...

1. Lady Gaga works for me. I call her..."Weapon Gaga." It is her responsibility to stimulate the masses and shock the media into general submission. As millions favor her with their attention...my Evil Plans continue to unfold...

Even now "Weapon Gaga" is touring the world. She is catchy...she is viral...she is all part of my Master Plan.

Muhahahaha!

2. The massive gulf oil spill has nothing to do with British Petroleum. It is the work of my ex girlfriend and arch nemesis... "@#$%ing @#$ch! Girl". Once again, she shows herself to be heartless and insensitive...which is undoubtedly what drew me to her.

3. President Obama is a Muppet made of Sham Wow. He is adorable enough to be loved. He is absorbent enough to shrug off the most ardent critics.

4. I have been personally dictating President Obama's foreign policies with a dartboard. There are a lot of recent holes in Israel, China and Mexico.

5. I am a merciful merciless dictator. There will be a Global Happy Hour. Misery will continue as usual before and after. But hey...it's five o'clock somewhere.

6. All attractive women worldwide must surrender themselves to me at once. The most attractive women will form my 'Girlstapo.'

My 'Girlstapo.'

My 'Girlstapo' will lead my new world into the future. Who wants Big Brother...when you can have Big Sister? And so many of them? We will build private clubs...poolside retreats. And they will compliment me on my hair and style of dress.

7. 'He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins.' So I am buying Hasbro, Mattel and Fisher Price. Take that!

8. All movies will be remakes starring Dane Cook and one of those plastic guys from 'Twilight.'

9. The Palm Tree will be the new National Symbol. Surfing will be mandatory for all scantily clad young women. But it must be Evil Surfing.

10. Mowing the lawn will replace baseball as the new National Pastime.

11. Every now and then, DVR recording will cut the last 5 minutes off the endings of the shows you were going to watch. Muhahah. Evil.

12. "Weapon Gaga" will train babies in the deadly art of 'Goo Foo.' My baby army will rule the cities with an iron...with a firm...with a ... hmm.

13. The One World Religion will involve quotable scenes from 'Talladega Nights', 'The Godfather,' 'Dogma' and outtakes from 'Smokey and the Bandit.'

14. The largest Big Screen TV in existence will be attached to the Moon. Reruns of 'Xena Warrior Princess' will play as often as I choose. I alone will possess the Remote Control. Muhahaha.

15. Each and every day will be some kind of Concert Festival, Auto Race or Fashion Show. Every third Wednesday there will be Fashion Concert Racing.

16. Forthwith, the Nuclear Weapons Programs of the world will be managed by Mediacom Cable. Service is expected to be slow, unreliable, incredibly expensive and repair calls will require days of waiting.

17. A square peg....in a round hole.

18. I'm buying an Evil Dog. 'Mr. Grouchy.' And there is just no point in housebreaking an Evil Dog.

Bad Dog? Indeed!

...

My Top Ten Celebrity Babes

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 07:43:00 +0000

Here you will find assembled my personal Top Ten Celebrity Babes list. These are the girls, counting down from #10 to the creme de la creme at #1, who have both inspired my search for 'that girl' and who also made me feel massive pangs of inadequacy. I probably ought to just buy a dog. Here goes...

#10 ORIANTHI PANAGARIS

Talent is a very sexy thing. And besides, I play the guitar too. Granted, this little 25 year old Aussie guitar prodigy could shred the floor with me having played for Michael Jackson, Santana and Steve Vai among others. Still...I'd like it.

#9 MEGHAN KELLY

FOX News certainly lives up to its name with Kelly on board. She's beautiful and incredibly intelligent. She singlehandedly destroys the dumb blonde myth with a truly intimidating mind. She seems like a good girl too. Hmm. This girl is very threatening. I'm going to go hide now.

#8 MEGAN FOX

For some reason, I dont think that I'm the only guy in the world who thinks that Megan Fox is smokin. She looks like a brat to me...and like she needs a shower or something. Someone...needs some corrective measures.

#7 GRACE PARK

I first got a good look at Grace on the Sci Fi show 'Battlestar Gallactica' as she played the hidden Cylon Boomer. She's a stunning woman truly. Again though, she looks like a smart girl. Dangit. I need to be a Cylon. Am I?

#6 CHARLIZE THERON

Charlize was the girl that my ex once agreed would be a logical 'freebie.' She told me that if I ever had the chance to be with Charlize then I'd better represent. Of course, she knew I had no chance whatever. I was relieved her 'freebie' was Ricky Martin.

#5 IMOGEN LLOYD WEBBER

Oh my. As far as I'm concerned, Imogen is the Crown Jewel of Britain. The daughter of composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, she is bright, funny, and ... wow. I watch her on 'Red Eye' and often feel I need to start this whole 'life' thing over again and get it right this time. I'm working up Phantom on the guitar. In the event we get trapped on a deserted island together, I will be able to blow her mind with a romantic soliloquy.

#4 ZOE SALDANA

Zoe is mesmerizing. She is probably the only reason that I even went to see 'Avatar' ... like 20 times. 3D was a genius idea when it came to Zoe. Do fantasies of blue aliens count as mental bestiality? I dont even care. She's that hot. What is it with Zoe and space movies like 'Avatar' and 'Trek'? I'm building a spaceship....

#3 HEIDI HUDSON LEICK

Ok. Going into the Top Three, things are getting serious. My favorite show of all time is 'Xena.' And Hudson, aka 'Callisto', is the reason why. I actually dated a couple of girls who looked exactly like her. She definitely made an impression on me. Her character 'Callisto' was gorgeous...and completely crazy from carrying so much inner pain around. Yeah... girlfriend...girlfriend...girlfriend. Hudson is currently a Yoga teacher and a spiritual consultant. Love you Heidi. I need some Yoga lessons and a reading. Please disregard my most obvious thoughts.

#2 SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ok ok. So I dated the Hudsons. But I married Scarlett. I have never been able to look at her without thinking...@#$%! And I at least want my DVDS back!!! Still. Scarlett is just classic. There is something really innocent ... and yet not... about this girl. Yeah...I'd have better luck with a terminator. And speaking of Terminators...

#1 KRISTANNA LOKEN

Kristanna is my end all. She's like nine feet tall with blonde hair, an angelic face and eyes like sabers. I have decided that Kristanna, who launched her career playing the Terminatrix in 'Terminator 3', needs a tattoo somewhere on her body that says 'Just Add Wings.' I think there is a very good chance that I am going to win the Nobel Prize for cloning this girl. Because I really want one.

So there's my list. I really need to consider some vices like alcoholism or something as a replacement measure for what I'm missing. Each and every one of these girls is at least a two drink minimum. I'd be hitting the shots by the time I got to Heidi. Kristanna? Oh I give up.

I suppose I'll just waste my life on clean living and boring responsibilities. There's always the possibility that I'll wind up on a flight with one or more of the girls and crash onto a deserted island like in LOST. "I'm a doctor!" I'll tell them.

Cocktail

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:21:00 +0000

"I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The 3-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I've got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / The bar is open." - Cocktail

I...am a bartender. We are those angels of mercy who wait upon those afflicted with that most terrible of maladies...life. We are the guardians of the castaway spirits; the ne'er do wells; the poets; the prophets; the weapons of wall street; the idle; the lusty; and any and all who heed the call of happy hour. I am one of a brotherhood of night crawlers and men and women at their drinking post. I'm a 'slinger' suffering from bouts of 'flair'...a ready joke...a light for a smoke. A smile. And an ear...

I have been bartending for about 15 years now. It's not really about the money, although a good bartender in the right place can make a good deal of that. In fact, a good bartender in the right venue can earn six figures or more for half the work and time of other professions. But if you are a real bartender, then you'll understand that the money is a perk to the profession.

Over the years I have owned 5 bar/restaurants. I have opened a couple of other bars for friends and freelanced behind 3 or 4 other bars. I have made good money owning bars and lost money to bad partners and the odd criminal along the way. It is the nature of the business.

I didn't start off in life as a bartender. I was accepted at Johns Hopkins but I didn't like the sight of blood, so medicine just wasn't in the cards for me. I studied psychology in college but made a living in business for myself so I just brought the therapy to the bar...and added a shot or two.

I remember seeing the movie 'Cocktail' with Tom Cruise as a kid. It must have made more of an impression on me than I'd like to admit. At that age, I guess I liked the idea of dispensing umbrella laden drinks over a cabana bar to cute young twenty somethings.

I have owned other businesses over the years than bars and continue in my entrepreneurial spirit. But bars are ageless...and in them you just seem to age...less. I have always enjoyed the immediate reward I get when I pass a fresh martini or highball along. I don't seem to get the same rush from sitting at my desk and working on my other company's sales logs. No. There is just something about bartending.

Let's face it. Above all, bartending is social. Every day that accountants or lawyers or other hapless victims of the daily races finish their work, you'll find them hustling up alongside the neighborhood bar...girlfriends in sight...wives in tow. I just start there to begin with and cut out the work in the middle.

You meet a lot of interesting drunk people in a bar. Over the years, I have met rock stars, famous actors and actresses, writers, sports figures, politicians, gangsters and headliners. I've listened intently to all of their stories. And I have found that, on the other side of the bar, we are all really the same.

Yes. There is wisdom to be found in a bar. Few men or women are more worldly than bartenders. We get to see a lot. We experience the best that people have to offer...as well as the worst.

Nevermind the cliche's. Not all bartenders are drinkers. Not all bartenders sleep around. Not all bartenders only bartend. Bartending is just something that gets into your system like music does. When you find that you can play an instrument...you play it.

Never trust a bartender who doesnt drink. I drink the occasional beer or glass of wine. If it's hot outside I'll relish a good Captain and Coke ...even a Pina Colada! Still, a good many veteran tenders like myself don't really drink all that much. Give me a diet coke or a chocolate milk at the end of the day and I'm good. Face it. We're around alcohol more than most people...and anything gets old.

There are few professions more honest in execution than bartending. You give people what they want. And you do your best to make them happy while you're doing that. A good drink is never an empty promise. And a shot at the right time might just make someone's day. We all keep a 'Bartender's Bible' close. Bartending is true religion...to the faithful.

Whatever we do in life...we should insist on having fun doing it. Maybe I'll wear out one day and cave to the mediocrity of invoices and whatnot in my other business. Until then however, I'll do my best to pour some life into a shaker and mix it up a bit across the bar.

You might just find me tending bar at a modest cabana bar on some beach somewhere one day. God I hope so.

I'll fix something special for you, just the way you like it. After all, like everyone else in the world, I knew you were coming.

...

The Karate Kid

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 08:32:00 +0000

"My mom says you look like Ralph Macchio."

Hearing these very words I panicked a little bit. I was something like 16 or 17 and I was in the process of escorting my date, one Ginger Ingram, to my car.

'Ralph Macchio?' I thought. 'You mean...the 'Karate Kid?'

That wasnt what I was looking for. Frankly, I was aiming more for the other guy starring beside him in 'The Outsiders'...Matt Dillon. Dillon had edge...Dillon had angst. Girls liked Dillon.

Ralph? Really. Ralph?

Dont get me wrong. Like everyone else in the day, I liked the original 'Karate Kid.' But by Ginger's mom's implication, at least in my young mind, I was still the fresh faced apprentice to the world. I was no Burt Reynolds. I was no Harrison Ford.

I was Ralph.

Ginger wasnt into Ralphs. Ginger liked Dillons. But somehow I had managed to work my way into her hemisphere with origami poetry, bad jokes, the inappropriate use of sunglasses in class...and tenacity. I think I might have actually put glitter into a letter that I mailed to her. Maybe she put the glitter in a letter that she mailed to me. I sure hope that the glitter was her idea. Otherwise...her mom was right on.

When I was 16 and in high school, I was a babe in the woods when it came to girls. In fact, pretty much everything I know about women I learned from one Bob King...that's K...I...N...G. Thanks Bob. Before I met Bob, and later Heather (my next step), I was the kid who would walk a girl to school, do her homework, take out her trash and be too much of a gentleman to kiss her even if she was sitting next to me in my car for two hours looking at the stars. Sorry Anne. I was Ralph. Should have been a Dillon...I know this.

Maybe it is true that girls liked the 'Ralph' sometimes. I understand that they like the sensitive, yet combat ready, types now and then. Still, at that tender age, I was too naive to play on my strengths. Ralph was lost on me.

As far as the ladies were concerned, I needed my own Mr. Miyagi. And that Mr. Miyagi was Bob King. K. I. N. G.

Bob was about 19...an old man. And Bob had four fiances living in the far corners of the world. He was an actor by trade who bore a striking resemblance to Matthew Broderick of 'Ferris Bueller' fame. Bob took a strange liking to me and before long I was in training. He taught me about my hair...'Wax on. Wax off.' He taught me about foreplay...'Paint the fence. Paint the fence.' And he taught me the Karate of confidence.

Bob was anything but subtle. I was at a cafeteria once when I spied a buxom young cashier. I made a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt at getting her number when Bob surreptitiously cast me out of the building (ostensibly for 'bothering' the young lady)...right on my behind. "And stay out!" he yelled. Five minutes later and Bob stepped into the car with the girls phone number, as well as complete and detailed directions to her house.

Yep. Still Ralph.

Karate is all about confidence. And when I was a kid, I didnt have a whole lot of that going for me. I was too green. I still had far too much to learn.

The much anticipated remake of 'The Karate Kid' is coming out. I recall the series of 'Karate Kid' movies from the past with fondness for the most part. Everyone, after all, needs a Mr. Miyagi in their lives. I've had a few of them at different times in my life. Gurus.

In the real world, unlike in the movie, there is no one indefensible move like the one that Macchio pulls off at the film's end. Real Karate is about preparing yourself to win, or to lose. It's as much about the mindfulness of who you are as it is about technique and training.

Maybe Ginger's mom was right when she saw the Karate Kid walking her daughter to his car. My heart was in the right place after all, even as I fumbled with the seatbelts and later got the two of us pulled over by a traffic cop because I ran a red light when Ginger's hotness Karate chopped my ability to focus on the road. Bitter lessons to be sure. But young men are students of the world are they not?

There were other lessons along the way for Ralph. No glitter is one. Never. Never glitter.

...

Framed!

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:24:00 +0000

All good things must come to an end. Apparently, this is also true for that 20/20 eyesight of mine that I have enjoyed for the greater part of my life. Alas, over the last couple of years or so I have found myself hamstrung by blurriness while I strained to read anything within a foot...or now two, of my pooped peepers.

Today I caved. I wandered in to Eyemasters and had my eyes checked. After completing a prostate exam in the doctor's office, which I found a bit uncomfortable and somewhat suspicious at an eye clinic, I was informed that I am indeed...Farsighted.

I always knew that I was Farsighted. Yes. I am a visionary without the vision. I can see what's coming...without actually seeing anything. And the future is in my hands...because I'm feeling my way around it. I suppose that I'm glad to be Farsighted though. No one can ever accuse me of having 'mouse eyes.' No. I have eagle eyes...if those eyes belong to an eagle that cannot read a line of text without glasses.

I'm too vain to ever really get into the glasses project. Still, the Goddess thinks its time I took yet another step down the ladder so I bought some glasses anyway...to be worn when needed only...I assure you!

That's probably all of the time, but I'll see if I can blind man's bluff it.

Glasses, it turns out, are really expensive. I had to order mine so I guess I'll be less than cool for a while as I make up for them with whatever is lying around. I found a telescope, some binoculars, a crystal ball and a magnifying glass to work with. Given these options, I am going with discrete...and am duct taping the magnifying glass to my head.

Perhaps the girls will finally realize I'm a reader. More likely though, they'll line up by my side on Saturday nights asking me advice about their boyfriends. I have already perfected my standard boiler plate answer to that...

"He's ok. But he'd look better with glasses."

...

Life Under a Bus

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 19:07:00 +0000

Now that we live in a somewhat 'civilized' world and that there are societal laws to abide by, I think people are becoming a lot more passive aggressive. If they are jealous, if they are angry, if they want to get the upper hand, then most of them are evolved enough to forego the rocks and clubs...and just drive a fricken bus over someone instead.

Welcome to life under a bus.

Think about how many times your co workers or your supposed 'friends' smiled to your face and then ripped you apart behind your back. Pretty soon, of course, you realize these people arent really your friends. But, often enough, whatever damage is done.

Unfortunately, people are still survival oriented little tree monkeys. People generally believe the first stranger to whisper in their ear so long as that person seems to be looking out for them. Who knows?! That info could be important stuff!

Has this ever happened to me? Oh yeah. If there was never any damage done then it would actually really be kind of entertaining. Listening to your life from the lips of fools is kind of fascinating. I bought a humongous yacht I didnt buy. I had an affair I didnt have. I have an addiction to something or other. I'm Hugh Hefner.

Wham!! Goes the bus! How bizarre. It's a bit disorienting sometimes isnt it? You find yourself thinking...'did I just black out for like fifteen years?'

No one is perfect of course, least of all me. But I ceased all of my real stupidity about 13 years ago when I woke up in a cardiac care unit. I keep count. No. I dont have a humongous yacht. I confess an addiction to the guitar and to work. While I do date (single people do this) I dont have affairs. And unfortunately I'm not Hugh Hefner.

On the other hand, I suppose people could throw me under the bus with stuff that is actually true about me. My favorite show of all time is Xena. I'm not exactly 21 anymore. I'm incredibly boring most of the time, writing, reading, going to movies and chilling with beers and friends on patios. Yup. Bookstores are my friends. And I cook and mow and love all that stuff. Nerd.

Would I recommend me as a friend to someone? Or would I throw myself under the bus? You should ask yourself those questions as well. In my case, I make a loyal friend so yes. Of course, there are a lot of great people out there and I'm an eentsy bit crazy. I do like the Who though. That's something.

I have been in the bar and restaurant business forever. I watched my staff and coworkers like aquarium fish. So and so said this. So and so did that. Most of it is harmless. People need to get things off their chests...like little mini buses. Every now and then though its a hit and run. Watching from the outside in...seeing people drive buses over each other...it's almost a sport these days.

I dont like driving buses. I'm more of an ambulance driver, like a social emt. 'Oh you poor thing!' to my girl friends or 'Cmon man...dont sweat it...lets have a beer. You can do better' to the guys.

Buses and Ambulances. It's all the same ol about fear and love right?

I dont really need anyone for me to be me. So I make a point to throw out the bad apples and keep my apple basket fresh. I'd recommend that to anyone. I'm sure one day it will just be me and Surfer Girl looking on at the end of the world. I'd like to think Ill still have some real friends around me then.

My advice is to look both ways when you're crossing and avoid those selfish ego driven runaway bus drivers however you can. Of course, you might have to live in a cave but you might be able to cable it or get satellite or something. I'd at least need a dvd player so I could watch the occasional Xena.

Stay hip cats! And watch your butts!

...

Things to Do on a Day Off

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 07:09:00 +0000

I work too much. Either I'm working on one of my business ventures or I'm bartending somewhere. All of it, whether at my desk or behind a bar, keeps me pretty darn busy. I dont really find a lot of me time on the schedule. Thus, it's always nice to try to take a day off...

Today I did just that!

What do I do with a day off? Hmmm. Well, lots of stuff. Some of it actually accomplishes something. But usually most of it winds up in the pointless category.

I slept late to begin with...which doesnt amount to much for an insomniac like myself. Basically 9AM became 9:30AM. Wow. The adventure begins!!

I followed up my productive usage of sleep with mowing my front and back yards like a good boy. I knocked on my own door, sold myself on the idea, and then paid myself twenty dollars to do it so I felt like I was helping out a neighbor kid. Worth every penny once done. Just beautiful.

I do good work on lawns. Something to keep in mind. (This is a subliminal remark aimed at the opposite sex).

I had lunch at Maria's, my favorite Mexican food place to eat here in Springpatch. It was good as usual. Fajitas. Not much goes wrong with fajitas. Or chips.

I followed that with a trip to Borders books to look for the 5th Volume set from Xena Warrior Princess (the series from the 90s). How can I ever watch the 6th Volume set if I dont watch the 5th Volume set first!? DISASTER. So here I am sitting on this 6th Volume set all the while...and I cant watch it. I just cant.

Xena is the best show ever created or aired on television. If I only lived on the coast you would find me in the crowd at the Xena conventions making my way to wherever Hudson Leick was. If you dont know who she is and if you dont know why I would be seeking her out then you just dont understand what I am about at all. Foot down! Planted!

Borders is a great store. The staff is nice. The store is clean. And above all, unlike Barnes and Noble, borders is not full of INSANE PSYCHOPATHIC CRAZY FRUITCAKE STALKER PEOPLE...like Barnes (see my blog 'The Barnes and Noble Zone' for answers). Still, as wonderful as Borders is - they gave me 33% off for being me! - I was ultimately disappointed when it came to Xena Warrior Princess DVDs. Nuts. Guess I'll have to resort to Amazon. That's gonna take time though...and Xena is important. However, my trip was not a total loss. I did actually come across the DVD for one of my all time fave bands 'The Who'...Live at Kilburn. Oh my. Oh my indeed.

What can I say? I love music. I go to festivals, concerts...I listen to Pandora nonstop and I play the piano and the Nagual...er ... guitar. For me, 'The Who' is iconic. They are a top five band for me in the order of Led Zepp. I guess I'm gonna get sauced on wine or something, climb onto my couch with my telecaster and jam with the brits. Keith Moon was still alive and playing with them in 1977. Keith Moon!

No day off is complete without spending some quality time with friends doing little more than opting for idle parlay over concomitant libations. And so I found myself in the company of friends at the local drinking establishment chatting about names for new boats, new business ideas, and the boilerplate frustrations and reflections.

I think I'm going to buy a boat and name it 'The Shoe Store.' Women love shoes...

I wonder if Edison came up with the phonograph on his day off?

"Hey guys! What if everything I said right now could be recorded and played back later?"

"Thomas. That's a terrible idea. Who would want to hear you talk about corsets?"

"One day! You'll see. The phonograph is genius!"

"You're drunk again Thomas. I'll take you home. It's dark though...I'd better light a torch."

"Wait...I've got another idea!"

Yeah....there's that.

I still want to work on a day off. I just cant help that. Frankly, I have too much to do. I always have too much to do. And if I would only do all of this stuff then I wouldnt have anything to do anymore. Perhaps that's why I keep putting it all off. Because I need something to do.

It's science.

Sure I do the weekend warrior thing and go on my periodic adventures, but I enjoy doing as little as possible now and then. I like to veg out, watch a movie and eat too much while I construct my master plan for world domination. Oops....I wrote that out loud.

I actually have another 'Free' day tomorrow. More sleeping in I hope. Less mowing perhaps. A search on Amazon no doubt. Perhaps some laundry. Definitely some running and working out. Most certainly some Poison, Dylan and Beatles on my guitar (Who by tomorrow? Who knows?).

Of course I really just need to get my ass to work tomorrow and complete my much overdue project for my company. I have lots of calls to manufacturers and suppliers to make. I have designs to finish. I have meetings to arrange. And I have the odds and ends of programming to do.

Damn. That sounds taxing. I sure need a day off.

Swedish Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Sat, 29 May 2010 06:05:00 +0000

It's that time again. Those adorable Swedish vixens have decided to drop by again and spread some Swedish love. Really. Can you ever get enough of that little blonde country?

I know I can't. The girls have already made arrangements for my Viking funeral...whenever that may be. I'm spending considerable Krona on the Brunhilde option. What can I say? I aint over til the fat lady sings.

But as luck may have it...so far I have yet to run across any fat Swedish girls. Whew...in so many ways. Whew.

Here's some more Swedish charm...

I was famished from working hard all day so Inga and Heidi brought me some Gravlax and Surstromming to eat. It's pretty good although I think the penguins next door are looking through my window at the herring.

The girls are a bit worried because scientists are predicting that blondes will be extinct within a few hundred years owing to the fact that their genes are being blended out. I spent some quality time consoling Heidi in particular. She was convinced that she was facing extinction right now unless she dyed her lovely blonde hair. Poor dear...all better.

I just love it when the girls drop by. But its beginning to worry me that there are actually penguins living next door.

This has been ... a Swedish Moment.

Home

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Fri, 28 May 2010 06:00:00 +0000

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend. Around where I live in Missouri, Memorial Day means time spent at the lake for most people. As a point of fact, that's just what I am doing as well. I'll be mixing drinks at a bar overlooking one of our many lakes and then, when Sunday arrives, I'll be on the deck of a Sea Ray taking in the sun and chilling by the water.

It's a good time actually. And since I dont have a beach anywhere in this lost and forsaken state I'm in, the lake will have to do. Still...

My heart belongs to Indy.

Over the years, I have been to something like 10 runnings of the Indianapolis 500, held annually on the Sunday of Memorial weekend. What began out of curiosity became a tradition of sorts for me. And I absolutely love it. If I die at that track...which is a possibility actually, it would be a good way to go.

If you have never been to a race...an event...like the Indianapolis 500 then there is no way that I can share to you what it is like. Imagine arriving in the heart of a big city at 5AM listening to Bob and Tom on the radio cracking jokes and talking about who's in the pits. The traffic is apocalyptic in scope as though an asteroid was on the way. You finally find a $10 or $20 dollar spot to park your car about a mile or so away from the track. It's usually someone's back yard. You make your way to the track drawing ever nearer to the sound that space shuttles must make as the track is dried out from the inevitable morning showers.

The Brickyard is 2 and a half miles around. It's large enough for a golf course and and F1 track. When I make it inside I usually walk across the track and marvel at how thin it really is. Then I make my way to the Hullman museum and snag a bite of pizza at the little restaurant nearby.

I have a lot of amazing memories at that track with some of my favorite people. The first time I went to Indy I was with my first real long term girlfriend. When the cars started flying by and ramming into things we began to realize together that this wasnt anything at all like tv. Indy is definitely NOT like 'watching cars go in a circle' or 'watching traffic' as the naysayers like to point out. It is something of a bloodsport where the fans listen in on their bearcat scanners hoping their driver gets a break when his or her adversary hits the wall. And they do that...a lot.

Over the years, the race begins with about 32 cars and usually ends with half that number. It's dangerous. It's crazy. It's loud as all hell. And it's a spectacular amount of fun.

I'll always love Indy, in part because of the loves I have shared Indy with. The most important girls in my life have all been to Indy with me. I have a lot of family up that way...so it's really just like going home for me.

I have sat just about everywhere you can at that track. I began in the snake pit and have spent time on the inside track and in the turns. I've sat pole position and in the upper terraces. It's all great.

I remember one year when an old man sitting next to me asked me if he could take my picture. When he was finished he explained that I was sitting in the seat of his wife who had passed away some years back. Apparently, they had gone to Indy for 16 years together always sitting in the same seats. He took my picture because he said that I must be something special to be sitting in the seat of the most special person he had ever known.

That kind of blew me away. But I'm a romantic. I get it. Maybe that's why I keep taking girls I love to Indy. I'm looking for that girl who belongs in that seat. I've been let down in that way but the race has never let me down.

Rain or shine...it doesnt matter. One year, the race was rained out for two days. We stayed and when we showed up on the third day the track was all but empty. It was surreal until they opened the gates to anyone just to fill the seats.

I'm not really much of a gearhead. While I can definitely appreciate a fast car, I'm more of a guitar playing urban cowboy poet...who marks time in peculiar ways. Indy is my marker. When the race comes around, I feel the weight of time, the want of love and the pain of loss.

And as long as I'm there...I also feel home. Indy is that spot in my world where all worlds collide. There's Gina and her big smile eating pizza and helplessly winking as she gleefully laughs at the cars going by. There's Dee sitting huddled by me in the freezing rain stoically braving the elements because she knows I love it, and I love her. There's Beck driving her car furiously back to the race from 30 miles away because we left when we thought it had been rained out after a couple of hours. And there's Absinthe wandering about in the infield with my cousin Rain stirring up trouble of all kinds.

And there I am. Every year that matters. Every year that was an amazing year.

Not this year.

This year I'm heading to the lake. I'll have some friends and some enemies in friends clothing to sport about with. I'm not complaining to be sure. I'll have the water and the sun and a cold beer or three in hand. Maybe I'll throw on a bandana or my straw hat. I'll leave my guitar at home to keep it out of trouble but I might risk a camera and some sunglasses.

Home of course is where the heart is. Sunday...mine will be in Indy.

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My Fall Season

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Tue, 25 May 2010 08:21:00 +0000

Well, it's official. LOST and 24 are both kaput. I actually watched those shows for much of their duration. Lots of other shows are going off too if only to return next season like Bones. I like Bones. Actually, I like just about anything that gets me out of my own head for a while. I enjoy a good escape.

To this end I have forwarded a list of my own Prime Time series proposals to NBC, ABC, CBS...and FOX.

I might have a chance with FOX. So here it is...my FALL TV PRIME TIME LINEUP...

1. Buck Rogers. It's a gritty buddy drama centering on cops Duke Buck and Stryker Rogers. One's a tough cop out for the revenge of his pet hamster Dragon. And the other is a dirty side dealing War and Peace fanatic. I promise there will be lots of explosions and every episode will feature Buck's liasons with attractive female costars while Rogers will drink too much and try to shoot something.

2. Found. A group of airline passengers arriving home from Jamaica spend the entirety of the series in the Baggage Claim area while the exotic Jamaican ganga wears off. One by one the passengers begin to realize who they really are...all the while hunted by a mysterious force of hunger.

3. 25. What happens when you add one more exciting hour of action packed terrorist ass kicking to the new Fox lineup? 25 happens. The entire series takes place in real time.

4. Moose Cannon. It's nothing but an enormous cannon that fires huge objects miles into the air. The first episode will feature a Moose, an Audi and the only remaining person who isnt using P90X by now.

5. The History Channel Presents 'Flesh Eating Bacteria.' That's gotta be cool. Or really disgusting...which is cool.

6. American Idle. Judges Keanu Reeves, Snoop Dog and Seth Rogan set out to find the absolute greatest slacker alive! Challenges include Wii competitions, couch sitting, and rolling paper racing.

7. Explaining Men. This show is the final word for guys to their gals. Every episode features a boyfriend or a husband who uses the time on his clock to explain himself to his girl. If he fails to impress the home viewers he will be lowered into a piranha pool.

8. The American Scream. Henry Travers is a family man. He has a wife, Mika from the Ukraine; 2.4 kids, Donald and Suzie Bell; and a wild dog named Otis who no one can pet without losing a hand. Henry is already in over his head in this outrageous sitcom about the trials and tribulations of raising a nuclear family in the modern era. 'Punch me I'm Henry' becomes the catchphrase of the year!

9. Man VS 2012. Can Bear Grylls survive the coming Mayan Apocalypse? Tune in and see.

10. Sex and the CSI. Molly, Katie and Miranda are three hip and fashionable city girls who also happen to be Crime Scene Investigators. When they arent solving crimes they're downing cosmos at the Happy Cabana. Mark Harmon will make a guest appearance.

My Review of 'Every Movie Ever Made...Ever.'

noreply@blogger.com (Freestyle) — Thu, 20 May 2010 06:53:00 +0000

SPOILER ALERT!!!

When I first saw the trailers for Every Movie I was a little excited actually. The action looked good, the villain looked scary and the girl was hot. It annoyed me that they showed too much in the preview though. After all, I'd rather see the movie in two hours instead of two minutes. That way, I can really enjoy stuff getting blown up, baddies getting beaten and girls getting...

Well...you know...gotten.

So here's the straight dope. Every Movie wasnt great. But Every Movie wasnt bad either. I'd been looking forward to Every Movie ever since those trailers I grimaced at. I had already heard the pre screen critical buzz. I was surprised by how many bad early reviews there were. I know the anticipation has been pretty good. Because of this divide, I simply chose to ignore the critics and find out for myself. So I made the premiere with seconds to spare, popcorn and soda in hand...and an angry boyfriend at my side because I had just taken his girlfriend's seat.

I'm fond of the Actor's work. He's a solid lead and he's been in a lot of other movies. I especially liked him in That One Movie. He brings a realism to Every Movie. But I guess I owe a lot of that to the cinematic staging and the cool cgi environments.

What can be said about the Actress in Every Movie? Two words. She's Hot! No. I'm not talking girl next door hot so much as the girl down the street hot. You know...that one girl that I used to bother with poems in class, origami animals and midnight harmonica serenades. That girl. I know that Every Movie played up her sexiness just to get me into the theatre...but it worked!

Every Movie wasnt much of a surprise. I think that I had seen most of the best parts of it in the trailer. But it had it's moments...

SPOILER ALERT AGAIN!!!!

To begin with, there was a lot of early drama between the Guy and the Girl (played by the Actor and the Actress). They just couldnt see eye to eye. I could feel the palpable conflict from the start and something in me was tugging for certain resolution from the get go. Movie mojo I guess.

As if all of the tension between the Guy and the Girl wasnt enough - broken up only by the periodic and welcome appearance of the Buddy - the plot took a left turn when the Villain (played masterfully, albeit a bit over the top, by the Other Actor) showed up to put his plans into motion. Maybe I was momentarily sympathetic to the Villain for some reason, but I liked him more than I should have.

However, the Villain's plans certainly didnt agree with the Guy. Soon the suspense transformed into raw action and there were so many explosions on the screen that my hair was singed. When things looked up for the Buddy, I was saddened by his departure. I lost all of my sympathy for the Villain then. The Guy was right. And I was on his side.

Halfway through the movie, my faith that the Guy and the Girl would get together was shaken when something happened that one of them was unaware of forcing the other to think the very worst. It was a popcorn eating moment for me in the theatre. Thankfully, I had that boyfriend's hand to hold.

There was a chase and for the moment the Villain got the upper hand. But the Girl's heart belonged to the Guy and I sat in that theatre darkness with my eyes fixed on the passionate onscreen lovemaking between the two. More popcorn...and maybe a sniffle.

I think I saw a nipple.

All things must come to an end and that goes for Every Movie as well. With the Girl mixed up in the middle of it all, the Guy and the Villain faced off at last. It was a pretty spectacular climax for this movie at least. There was an exchange of words and I just cant forget that One Line the Guy said when victory was near. When the dust had settled, the Villain was defeated soundly. But I could see that the Guy was changed somehow. The Guy would never be the same.

Still, he had the love of the Girl. I had learned something along the way and I left with a feeling of general satisfaction.

Is Every Movie worth seeing? I think you'll have to do what I did and just go see for yourself.

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