Singletrack Mind

Dumb and dumber

2009-06-21T19:30:00.002-07:00

Aysh and I got the Trail70 running this weekend and took it for a ride around the neighborhood. Keep it on the down-low and please don't call the po-po. Turn up the sound for this...

Dumb and Dumber - Trail70

Last weekend we hit the BMX track and had a little fun.

Ayshia at Highlands Ranch BMX

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-04-30T07:51:00.002-07:00

You may need to click on it to see it larger, but what's wrong with this picture? Leave a comment if you know...

Microsoft has a sense of humor?

2008-09-03T15:53:00.004-07:00

This real error message cracked me up...

Cannot delete schIO_BROKER_2: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one of more files to free disk space, and then try again.

Thank heavens we still have the command line!

This next message, of course, is fake, but man, sometimes I feel this way...

Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect.

how to get around Group policy enforced screen savers

2008-08-21T11:44:00.003-07:00

This is post #3 in my series of boring technolocy articles that can help people. If you would like to see the others, just click on "boring tech stuff" under the labels to the right.

This one deals with overzealous administrators trying to force you to have whatever screensaver they want on whatever time schedule they want, locking out your options to change it. Really annoying if you have a PC that has no mouse or keyboard movement, but has real-time monitoring info that you keep an eye on all day such as CPU or memory of your app servers.

Anyway, if you have XP, to get past this, open Notepad and put this example entry in it. Save it as a .reg file and double-click it. Once completed, right-click on your desktop, choose Properties, look at the screensaver screen and close it. This now changes the low 5 minute screensaver timeout to a whole 8 hours that you don't have to log back in just to see your monitoring stats.

If you open the keys below in the registry you will see an option called "SCRNSAVE.EXE", obviously here you can even change your screensaver as well. Sure, it will overwrite the next time the GPO runs, but you have the simple reg file to change it each time.

Windows Registry Editor Version 5.00

[HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\Desktop]
"ScreenSaveTimeOut"="28800"

[HKEY_USERS\S-1-5-21-1454471165-1960408961-725345543-5403\Software\Policies\Microsoft\Windows\Control Panel\Desktop]
"ScreenSaveTimeOut"="28800"

The actual HKEY_USERS key may vary from PC to PC, you should check on that first.

Disclaimer #1: You can seriously fuck up your computer if you don't know what you are doing with registry crap. Take a little time to understand before doing and it will pay back in boatloads.

Disclaimer #2: Having your screen on for 8 hrs. straight is a security risk. Co-workers might sneak over and send a message to the entire team from you, stating that you love them all so much you'll bring donuts tomorrow. This risk is assumed.

Using Microsoft Log Parser to search event viewer for critical system errors

2008-02-13T12:41:00.013-07:00

I'm an internet scour-er... All day long I scour Google to do my job, I see the work others have done, I research problems, I pile lots of fragments of thoughts of many people together to come up with my own solutions.

So for once I thought I'd give something back in the hope that it will be useful for others... For this you will need Microsoft Log Parser and blat. Log Parser is a powerful little utility that allows you to use SQL statements to search many different types of log files and then export them in to a variety of formats. For my example we will search the Windows Event Viewer for Warning and Error messages, we will then export them to an HTML file via a template, and finally we will email the message to ourselves.

First the code and what it does.

It's really broken in to 3 segments that do the same thing, just in different logs. The 3 things that it does are 1) Search the log for Warning, Error, or Failures, 2) If anything is found, email the results to me, 3) Delete the results to keep from getting any duplicate stuff.

rem @echo off

REM Using Microsoft Log Parser to stay on top of problems in Event Viewer
REM By Scotty D
REM February 2008

REM You need to download both "blat" and "Microsoft Log Parser"
REM Blat is at http://www.blat.net/
REM Microsoft Log Parser is at http://www.microsoft.com/technet/scriptcenter/tools/logparser/default.mspx
REM These only need to be installed on the machine where the script is run

REM Here you set all of your variables as it's much easier to do it here than in the details of the script

set evtlogshome=c:\tools\evtlogs\
set serverlist=%evtlogshome%servers.txt
set logparser="C:\Program Files\Log Parser 2.2\LogParser.exe"
set blat=C:\tools\blat262\full\blat.exe
set adminemail=bobkratchet@superniftyserver.com
set emaildomain=@superniftyserver.com
set SMTP=relay.superniftyserver.com

REM Parse the System Event log using Microsoft Log Parser
REM We are looking only for error events and Warning events
REM Only the new events since the last time this script was run will be sent via email
REM You will get one email per server where a new event is found
REM If no new Error or Warning event is found, you won't get an email

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do %logparser% -i:EVT -o:TPL -tpl:%evtlogshome%systemerror.tpl "SELECT TimeGenerated, EventTypeName, SourceName, Message INTO %evtlogshome%reports\%%asystem.htm FROM \\%%a\System WHERE EventTypeName = 'Error event' OR EventTypeName = 'Warning event'" -iCheckpoint:%evtlogshome%tail\%%asystemcheckpoint.lpc

REM Now email the details from each server out if anything is found

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%asystem.htm %blat% %evtlogshome%reports\%%asystem.htm -serverSMTP %SMTP% -f %%a%emaildomain% -to %adminemail% -s "New System Event log event on %%a"

REM Delete those suckers so we don't get junk

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%asystem.htm del %evtlogshome%reports\%%asystem.htm

REM Parse the Application Event log using Microsoft Log Parser
REM We are looking only for error events and Warning events
REM Only the new events since the last time this script was run will be sent via email
REM You will get one email per server where a new event is found
REM If no new Error or Warning event is found, you won't get an email

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do %logparser% -i:EVT -o:TPL -tpl:%evtlogshome%Applicationerror.tpl "SELECT TimeGenerated, EventTypeName, SourceName, Message INTO %evtlogshome%reports\%%aapplication.htm FROM \\%%a\Application WHERE EventTypeName = 'Error event' OR EventTypeName = 'Warning event'" -iCheckpoint:%evtlogshome%tail\%%aapplicationcheckpoint.lpc

REM Now email the details from each server out if anything is found

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%aapplication.htm %blat% %evtlogshome%reports\%%aapplication.htm -serverSMTP %SMTP% -f %%a%emaildomain% -to %adminemail% -s "New Application Event log event on %%a"

REM Delete those suckers so we don't get junk

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%aapplication.htm del %evtlogshome%reports\%%aapplication.htm

REM Parse the Security using Microsoft Log Parser
REM We are looking only for Failure Audit events
REM Only the new events since the last time this script was run will be sent via email
REM You will get one email per server where a new event is found
REM If no new Error or Warning event is found, you won't get an email

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do %logparser% -i:EVT -o:TPL -tpl:%evtlogshome%Securityerror.tpl "SELECT TimeGenerated, EventTypeName, SourceName, ComputerName, Message INTO %evtlogshome%reports\%%asecurity.htm FROM \\%%a\Security WHERE EventTypeName = 'Failure Audit event'" -iCheckpoint:%evtlogshome%tail\%%asecuritycheckpoint.lpc

REM Now email the details from each server out if anything is found

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%asecurity.htm %blat% %evtlogshome%reports\%%asecurity.htm -serverSMTP %SMTP% -f %%a%emaildomain% -to %adminemail% -s "New Security event log event on %%a"

REM Delete those suckers so we don't get junk

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do if exist %evtlogshome%reports\%%asecurity.htm del %evtlogshome%reports\%%asecurity.htm

The block of set commands is simply for setting a bunch of variables. They are rather self-explanatory, just follow the format of the examples given. The checkpoint files are files Log Parser uses so that it doesn't look at the entire log again, it's a similar concept to using "tail".

Now let's break out the first set of commands.

@for /f "tokens=1" %%a in (%serverlist%) do %logparser% -i:EVT -o:TPL -tpl:%systemtemplate% "SELECT TimeGenerated, EventTypeName, SourceName, Message INTO %systemresults% FROM \\%%a\System WHERE EventTypeName = 'Error event' OR EventTypeName = 'Warning event'" -iCheckpoint:%systemcheckpoint%

The for command is simply a batch command which tells the script to open the txt file of servers and loop through the command until all servers are done. Starting at do is the log parser script.

%%a - anytime you see that it's current "token" pulled from txt file of servers

-i:EVT tells the script you are looking at Windows Event Viewer

-o:TPL tells the script to output the findings to a template format

-tpl: tells the script the location of your templates

SELECT - the SELECT statement is your SQL, in this instance we pick selected fields from Event Viewer. You could substitute * to see everything and pick which fields you want just as you would when doing a database query.

INTO tells which output file to put the results in to, in my case HTML

FROM is the server and log. In this case \\%%a\System means it will be the current server of the batch for loop and it's system log.

WHERE is simply conditional SQL to filter out all of the stuff I don't want to see.

-iCheckpoint spells out the file where the past parsed information is kept so that it doesn't send you duplicate messages.

The tough part is done. Next we simply see if a file exists, and if it does we sent it out via blat. After that, we check if the file exists and then delete it.

The last part of this is the template and it's ridiculously simple. Basically what I wanted to do was set up a simple HTML table that would get emailed to me via blat. You really just need to correspond the fields you selected in the query to the fields you want in the table.

<LPBODY>
<TABLE border=1>
<TR>
<TD width=15%>%TimeGenerated%</TD>
<TD width=5%><font color=red>%EventTypeName%</TD>
<TD width=10%>%SourceName%</TD>
<TD width=70%>%Message%</TD>

</TR>
</TABLE>
</LPBODY>

Once I had this set up, I just set one of my machines to check every server (via the list) every morning before I come in. Since it's only new events, the volume is rather low and I can skim through them quickly to see if there are problems needing addressing. The final result is simply an email like this. :)

Example System Event Log error message:

From: monitoredserver@superniftyserver [mailto:myserver@superniftyserver]
Sent: Wednesday, February 13, 2008 1:11 PM
To: Kratchet, Bob
Subject: New Server Event log event on monitoredserver

2008-02-13 12:45:55

Warning event

LSASRV

The Security System detected an authentication error for
the server
LDAP/powerfulserver.superniftyserver.com/superniftyserver.com@superniftyserver.com.
The failure code from authentication protocol Kerberos was "The
specified user does not exist. (0xc0000064)".

2008-02-13 12:46:41

Warning event

LSASRV

The Security System detected an authentication error for
the server LDAP/nitcdc01.superniftyserver.com/superniftyserver.com@superniftyserver.com.
The failure code from authentication protocol Kerberos was "The
specified user does not exist. (0xc0000064)".

Godspeed Sheldon Brown 1944-2008

2008-02-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

Cycling has lost one of the greatest minds and most passionate members we've been lucky enough to have. Rest in peace Sheldon Brown and thanks for everything you've given to us.

What a legacy Sheldon Brown leaves behind... one can only hope to get close in our own lifetime's to positively impacting all of the lives he's touched...

The Legend of Murray Mike

2008-01-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, my blog has gone down the shitter this winter. Lack of good content, or maybe it's the lack of ambition to post anything up here, has made my posts few and far between. The ones that make it up probably aren't such great quality, you have to wait for the bike pictures to re-emerge to get a semblance of quality again... Heck, I've hardly read the blogs and my friends and internet riding buddies...

Anyway, today I was reminded of the story of Murray Mike, and while it won't make up for quality content, it might keep any readers from sharpening the pitchforks and lighting the torches.

The original story can be found at http://www.rideagainstthemachine.com/the_legend_of_murray_mike.html, but I'll plagarize it anyway....

The Legend of Murray Mike
As told by Scott...

One day we were relaxing in our campsite just outside of Palisades. We had just gotten done bombing Horsethief Bench, Mary's Loop, Moore Fun, and a couple other of the Fruita favorites. Setting up to play bocchi ball, an older gentlemen stopped by the camp to talk to Chris and I. He inquired about the Fruita and Moab trails and mentioned he and his wife had just moved here, intending to ride and ski before they got too old to be able to enjoy life to it's fullest. His stories were witty and entertaining, but one story in particular captured our interest, the story of Murray Mike.

Like all good urban folklore, he and his friends were at a Fruita trailhead one day when a guy on a Wal-Mart purchased Murray showed up. The guy asked if he could ride with them and proceeded to "talk up a big game", as the storyteller emphasized, about all the singletrack and trails he did. The older gentleman said everyone sort of rolled their eyes at Murray Mike in disbelief. But once they hit the trails, Murray Mike backed up his talk as he worked the singletrack and left the rest of the guys crying for mommy.

We have always wanted our own version of Murray Mike, just because it sounded too good to pass up. Some day we'll get that girls Murray bike with the rusted chain off of Craiglist and we'll throw Chris on it. If you see him out on the trail, he'll be in white tube socks up to his knees, cut-off jeans, black "Wild Thing" glasses inspired by Major League, an early '90s Bell Helmet, flat pedals, Wal-Mart bike, white ribbed wife beater t-shirt, and best of all, a bottle of Coca-Cola in his bottle cage. If he rides up and asks to ride with you, take him up on it, others need to be entertained by the story.

Conversations with Mark D. Anderson

2007-12-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I'll open the spam/scam emails just to get a good laugh. This one had such great verbage that I couldn't help but to comment. The crack up (and sad thing) is that people fall for these things and lose thousands of dollars....

MR. MARK D. ANDERSON
AFC MERCHANT BANK
# 17-01,BANGKOK BANK BUILDING,
SINGAPORE 069546.

Dear Friend,

Compliments of the day!

Compliments of the day to you too!

I got your contact on my private search for a reliable and trusted person to handle a transaction of this nature.

Wow, you don't know how many people tell me that! Somehow I'm listed in Google as a "reliable and trusted person". See here.

I know that the contents of this mail might sound so strange, but I want to
assure you that every word of it is true.

Not at all man, you don't know how many of these I get a day, they're not even strange anymore. But I gotta tell ya, you assuring me that every word of it is true is very helpful and makes me want to turn over my bank account right away, I often start conversations with that very statement. Wait, you should have done a private search for a "trusting" person, not a "trusted" person, but I'm sure that's all lost in the translation, damn English language, carry on.

I am Mr.Mark D.Anderson, credit officer of the AFC Merchant Bank. I have a concealed business suggestion for you.

Really? It's "concealed" huh? Are you going to reveal it to me, I'm guessing yes...

Before the plane crash of macedonian's president and his cabinet members on February 26, 2004 , our client Mile Krstevsk from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Macedonia and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Nine Million, Six Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. You can visit this website: http://antiwar.com/deliso/?articleid=2043

A real news article, very nice touch... here's one about my uncle who just passed away.

After his death it was also discovered that Mile Krstevsk did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Nine Million, Six Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it.

Holy crap! That sounds like an awful dilemna... Thank heavens you are not dishonest enough to steal it for yourself!

What bothers me most is that according to the to the laws of my country at the expiration three years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Singapore Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Singapore? Yikes, isn't that where they cane people for vandalism? You got some balls brutha!

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Mile Krstevsk so that you will be able to receive his funds.

Me as a foreigner be his next of kin and take the money? Why that's mighty generous of you Mark D. Anderson. Thanks heavens you didn't take it for yourself, or worse yet donate it to a charity!

WHAT IS TO BE DONE:
I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful.

I'm sure you have... "We" in this context is probably rather subjective, but I'm listening.

I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Mile Krstevsk, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.

Really? They won't get suspicious when Scott Applebaum from Cincinnati says he's the next of kin to Mile Krstevsk of Macedonia? Well then, sign me up!

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 25% for you and 5% for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation.

Ahh, I knew there was a catch! I'm still not figuring out why you don't take the entire 100%... but as I want this to be secure, do you take PayPal? Or do you care if I wait a month until all the money clears and I'm sure it's legit? I'd hate to deposit a 9 million dollar check, give you your cut and go on a wild spending spree myself, only to have my bank tell me in two weeks that the check was fake and they need their money back, that would suck...

Should you be interested please send me your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication, and i will provide you with more details of this operation. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Mr. Mark D. Anderson.

Conversations with Brigadier General Valerie Norman

2007-10-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

First off, if you are coming here via a search, don't be a dumbass... If you've gotten an email from Brigadier General Valerie Norman, obviously it's a fake and they're looking to scam as much money off of you as they can...

Awhile back I read some of my SPAM email one day, and the one from "Brigadier General Valerie Norman" cracked me up the most. So I decided to create a fake email account and string the scammers on a little. The conversations that follow are from those encounters.

The original spam/scam email:

From: Valerie Norman
Subject: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:06:42 +0200

Attention

Complement, I am Brigadier General Valerie Norman from Denmark, and the Field Commandant to the United Nations peacekeeping Force to Lebanon. During the last three weeks attack and invasion of the Rebels Base in Gaza and Lebanon, we recovered large sums of money loaded in a box. We are convinced that this money belongs to the Terrorists or Rebels being sponsored by their Islamic communities/countries. Having recovered this money,we cannot send it to the treasury of the Lebanese government, neither will it be given to the authority or Organization we are representing. In Lebanon and Gaza at the moment, movement of funds in and out of Lebanon is strictly monitored making it absolutely difficult for International Communities right here to transfer their funds out-side Lebanon unless there is an authority Letter from their Defence Ministry, Accountant General of the Federation's office explaining what the funds are and for what purposes. knowing fully well about these procedures, we decided to deposit the box in a reliable Security Company here in Lebanon. The title of the Deposit is "FAMILY TREASURY". Till this moment, the Security Company did not know the true content in the Box, all they know is that it is Family Treasury.

All we need from you is your cooperation in accepting this funds in your account. If this proposal is OK to you, please quickly get back to us through this most exclusive e-mail address valerianorman001@yahoo.com so that we can forward to you more details of the affair. The total amount in the box is $35.3 Million Dollars.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.

Regards,
Brigadier General Valerie Norman

My first reply where I mention I'm Danish as well and would like to speak in the native tongue and ask to be an honorary Brigadier General:

Hi, thank you so much for emailing me! I am astounded you found me, but I would like to help as much as I can with the peacekeeping efforts. Just tell me what I need to do and I will gladly help.

Additionally, I was wondering if you would bestow upon me the award of being honorary Brigadier General of Denmark? I'm assuming since you found me that you know my qualifications and would be honored to have me as part of your peacekeeping forces?

I am also Danish by heritage and still speak much of the native tongue, it may be better for "surveillance" reasons if we continue to speak only in the native Danish tongue, if you know what I mean... [wink]

I look forward to talking to you soon!

Sincerely,
Bob Kratchet

Anyway, here is the funny reply I was sent:

Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 02:35:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: "BRIG. GEN. VALERIE Norman"
Subject: RE: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation

Dear Bob Kratchet,

Thank you so very much for your response. Like we said in our proposal to you, the fund is in two metal boxes, sealed and had been deposited in a Security Company here in Lebanon. Due to the situation here, we would not want you to come down to Lebanon for the claim. My colleagues and I have already made an arrangement with a Security Vault in Spain where the metal boxes will be transferred to and deposited as "Family Treasury". However, I am personally happy that you are related to Denmark and I wish that you will not betray the trust that we are about to bestow on you in this affair. Let me inform you that I am not alone in this transaction, we are six in numbers who are connected with this transaction, so, there is no need using any other dialect as other of my colleagues may feel otherwise.

Without wasting much time, we would like to have the following information from you.
1. Your full name and address
2. your exclusive telephone and fax numbers
Upon the receipt of these information, we shall update you more on the affair and how we planned to transfer the two metal box from Lebanon to Spain.

Let us inform you also that we shall take care of all the expenses of the movement of the consignments (2 boxes) from Lebanon to Spain. But we might not be able to be responsible for further expenses of the clearing of the consignment in Spain due to the prevailing situation here in the Lebanon. You shall pay for the clearing in Spain.

We wait for your response as soon as possible.

Regards,
Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman

For fun, I replied with this mentioning I think we dated in high school:

Wait a minute, is this Valerie Norman? THE Valerie Norman? I thought your name sounded familiar, but couldn't place it before. You remember I said I was Danish too, we used to date in high school! Don't you remember? My name had to sound familiar to you as well!

We broke up at the end of our senior year after that little incident on the soccer field, I'm still sorry for that, I honestly didn't know there was a game that night and that all the lights were going to come on... After that I got all depressed and gained a bunch of weight, they called me Bob the blob in college because I gained so much weight... But then I lost it doing powerlifting competitions (the kind where you pull buses with your teeth) and we got back together briefly at the end of that year. You thought you were pregnant but it turned out to be a false alarm. We never spoke again after that and I guess that must have been when you went in to the military. I never knew you took that path because I moved away, that was SO long ago!

Wow! It's awesome to talk to you again! I really trust you now, I was a little scared with just a random email before, but it makes sense why you found me now! Just tell me what you need from me, I'll be glad to help!

Sincerely,
Bob Kratchet

Obviously that one was over the top, but I didn't fucking care, here is the reply I got back:

Dear Bob,

We have resolved that you forget about assisting us in the business because it appears that you are kidding. Do I tell you that I am a girl? Thank God we have not forwarded your name to the security company as the beneficiary of the two boxes.

We shall look for another contact person to assist us. Bye

Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman

If I hadn't grown bored with it I could have strung them on some more, but it had gotten old. How many times can I hear they need my full name, address, and information before it gets tiresome. Cracks me up, they *claim* to be stealing 35 million, but "thank God" they did not forward my name to the security company for kidding with them...

A Date with Death

2007-09-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

When people talk of the legends of cycling, some of the obvious favorites are the Cannibal Eddy Merckx, Lance Armstrong, the badger Bernard Hinault, Greg LeMond (who I used to like until he started being a whiner about doping), Ned Overend, Gary Fisher, Brian Lopes, and heck, maybe even Bob Roll... But not too often do you hear mention of Jose Meiffret... His story is a legend, a tangled web of triumph and defeat...

-----------------------
The Best of Bicycling
Date with Death

by Clifford L. Graves, M.D.

September 1965

A tense group of people was gathered on the freeway near the German town of Friedburg on July 19, 1962.

Herr Heinemann had painstakingly measured off the official kilometer. Half a dozen timekeepers of the International Timing Association were fiddling with their electrical equipment. Captain Dalicampt of the French occupation forces deployed his men at strategic points along the cleared Autobahn. Chief Schefold of the federal highway department dispatched a sweeper crew. Adolf Zimber lovingly wiped a bit of invisible dirt off the windshield of his massive Mercedes. Reporters were asking questions, scribbling notes. A photographer was angling for a shot. Jose Meiffret was about to start his Date with Death.

Of all the tense people, Meiffret was the least so. A diminutive Frenchman with wistful eyes and a troubled expression, he was resting beside a strange-looking bicycle. A monstrous chain wheel with 130 teeth connected with a sprocket with 15. The rake on the fork was reversed. Rims were of wood to prevent overheating. The gooseneck was supported with a flying buttress. The well-worn tires were tubulars. The frame was reinforced at all the critical points. Weighting forty-five pounds, this machine was obviously constructed to withstand incredible punishment.

On this day, at this place, on this bicycle, Jose Meiffret was aiming to reach the fantastic speed of 124 miles an hour. Everything was now in readiness. Meiffret adjusted his helmet, mounted the bike, and tighten the toe straps. Getting under way with a gear of 225 inches was something else again. A motorcycle came alongside and started pushing him. At 20 miles an hour, Meiffret was struggling to gain control. His legs were barely moving. At 40 miles, he was beginning to hit his stride. At 50 mies, the Mercedes with its curious rear end was just behind. With a wave of his hand, Meiffret dismissed his motorcycle and connected neatly with the windscreen of the Mercedes. His timing was perfect. He had overcome his first great hazard.

Swiftly, the bizarre combination of man and machine gathered speed. Meiffret's job on penalty of death was to stay glued to his windscreen. The screen had a roller, but if he should touch it at 100 miles an hour, he would be clipped. On the other hand, if he should fall behind as little as 18 inches, the turbulence would make mincemeat of him. If the car should jerk or lurch or hit a bump, he would be in immediate mortal danger. An engineer had warned him that at these speeds, the centrifugal force might cause his flimsy wheels to collapse. Undismayed by the prospect, Meiffret bent down to his task.

He was now moving at 80 miles. News of the heroic attempt had spread, and the road ahead was lined with spectators. Everybody was expecting something dreadful to happen. Herr Thiergarten in the car showed Meiffret how fast he was going by prearranged signals. Meiffret in turn could speak to the driver through a microphone. "Allez, allez," he shouted, knowing that he had only nine miles to accelerate and decelerate. The speedometer showed 90. What if he should hit a pebble, an oil slick, a gust of wind? Ahead was bridge and clump of woods. Crosscurrents were inevitable.

In his pocket, Meiffret carried a note: "In case of fatal accident, I beg of the spectators not to feel sorry for me. I am a poor man, an orphan since the age of eleven, and I have suffered much. Death holds no terror for me. This record attempt is my way of expressing myself. If the doctors can do no more for me, please bury me by the side of the road where I have fallen."

Who was this man Meiffret who could ride a bicycle at such passionate speeds and still look at himself dispassionately?

He was born in 1913 in the village of Boulouris on the French Riviera. Orphaned at an early age, he had to got work to support himself and an aging grandmother. One day, as he was hurrying home from work on his ancient bicycle, he was run down by a motorist. Jose was badly shaken, and his bicycle was ground to bits. Distraught, the motorist offered to buy Jose a new bicycle. It was a beauty. Before long, his bike was his life. When he wasn't riding, he was reading. Under the skinny frame and deep-set eyes burned a fierce ambition. Someday he was going to beat the world.

His first race was a fiasco. Totally unprepared, he entered a 120-miler through the mountains and was promptly dropped. His competitors made fun of him, and a doctor told him that he had a weak heart and should never race. That night Jose cried himself to sleep.

The man who changed Jose's career was Henry Desgrange, the founder of the Tour de France. Desgrange had a villa on the Riviera, and Jose wrangled an introduction. Desgrange sensed the compelling drive in the delicate body, and he made an accurate assessment, "Try motor-paced racing, my boy. You might surprise yourself."

Jose did just that. With fear and trepidation he entered a motor-paced race between Nice and Cannes. Without any indoctrination whatever he was immediately at home. Riding smoothly and elegantly, in perfect unison with his pacer and in complete control of himself, he was out front all the way and finished a full seven minutes ahead. The people went wild.

Encouraged by this success, he arranged to go over the same course behind a more powerful motor. This ride was an epic. Intoxicated by his speed, he barely missed a car in Nice, grazed a dog in Cannes, scraped a sidewalk in Antibes, had a flat five miles front the finish, and yet hung up a new record of 1.02 for the 40 miles. He had found his destiny.

How could a rider like Jose make a splash before he had caused a ripple? Racing behind motorist is quite different from racing in a group. Behind motors, the speed is higher, the pedaling faster, the concentration greater. It is like a continuous sprint. A motor-paced rider must have suppleness rather than strength. And he must have flair.

But a motor-paced rider is not made overnight. Just as Jose was beginning to hit his stride, the war broke out. When re returned to Paris after five dreary years of captivity, he was as far from his goal as ever. Motor-paced racing has a long and honorable history, but only a few men have ever excelled in it. In America, the sport died after "Mile-a-Minute" Murphy did his amazing ride behind a Long Island Railroad train in 1899. In Europe, the sport survived. On the road, the hour record was set in the thirties by the Frenchman Paillard with 49.362 miles. Meiffret raised this in 1949 to 54.618. Paillard immediately raised this figure to 59.954 but he almost got killed in the attempt. To beat Paillard, Meiffret selected a special circuit in Germany, the Grenzlandring. Cheered by thousands, he covered 65.115 miles in an hour and could have done more if his motor had been running right. All this required incessant training and complete concentration. Meiffret's philosophy was "to become what you are."

Although his exploit at Grenzlandring brought him great acclaim, it did not bring him any money. In fact, none of Meiffret's rides brought him any money. All his life, he had to fight poverty. He supported himself with odd jobs and with occasional writing. His latest book Mes rendezvous avec la mort, earned him the 1965 Grand Prize for Sports Writing and the Prix Sobrier-Arould of the prestigious Académie Française.

In an effort to improve his position in 1951, he decided to race behind cars instead of motorcycles. Cars are bigger and faster. Here, the man to beat was Alfred Letourneur, an expatriate Frenchman who had covered a measured mile behind a car on the Los Angeles freeway at 108.923 in 1941.

Meiffret's first attempt was behind a Talbot. To his consternation, he could not get past 70 miles an hour. Aerodynamic engineers told him to modify his windscreen. After months of toil and heartbreak he tried again. A 20-mile stretch of road south of Toulouse was especially cleared (even the President of the French Republic was detoured on that day). On his first run, the Talbot faltered. On his second run, he lost contact and was almost flattened by the wind. On his third run, he hit a bump and was in free flight for 50 feet, but he held on and finished the kilometer at 109.100 miles per hour. Letourneur had been beaten, but not by much.

Undisputed record man of the hour and of the kilometer on the road, Meiffret next turned to the track at Montlhery. Here, the Belgian Vanderstuyft had ridden 78.159 an hour behind a motorcycle in 1928. But Montlhery in 1928 was new. In 1952 it was old. The pavement was starting to crack, and the turns were atrocious. The track superintendent shook his head. He had seen many try. But Meiffret was determined. On the appointed day, he rode his first lap at 80 miles per hour. Suddenly, coming out of the turn on the seventh lap, his bicycle started bucking. Nobody knew what actually happened. Perhaps the pedals, which had less than an inch of clearance, scraped. At any rate, Meiffret flew through the air, hit the ground, tumbled three hundred feet, slid another twenty, and came to a rest, a quivering mass of flesh. Horrified attendants carried him to an ambulance, and newspapers announced his imminent death. That night surgeons found five separate skull fractures. Unbelievably, Meiffret lived through this ordeal.

Then followed a long period of recuperation during which he fought as much for his mental sanity as for his physical health. In search of peace, he joined the Trappists at Sept-Fons and led the life of a monk. During this time he made continuous improvements on his bicycle, wrote his first book (Breviary of a Cyclist), and corresponded with hundreds of people. Thus he learned of a new freeway at Lahr in Germany where he might gain permission for another attempt on the flying kilometer. In the fall of 1961, when he was already forty-eight, he reached 115.934 miles per hour. This ride convinced him that he could reach 200 kilometers (124 miles) an hour. Thus we find Meiffret in the summer of 1962 on the freeway at Freiburg, riding like a man possessed.

The Mercedes performed flawlessly. People could not believe their eyes. What they saw was the car in full flight with and arched figure immediately behind, legs whirling, jersey fluttering, wheels quivering. "Allez, allez," gasped Meiffret into the mike. In the car, the speedometer crept past 100 mph, then 110 and 120. Anguished, Zimber looked into his rear-view mirror. How could Meiffret keep himself positioned? It was fantastic.

At the flat, the speed had increased to 127. Faster than an express train, faster than a plummeting skier, faster than a free fall in space. Meiffret's legs were spinning at 3.1 revolutions per second [186 rpm], and each second carried him 190 feet! He was no longer a man on a bike. He was the flying Frenchman, the superman of the bicycle, the magician of the pedals, the eagle of the road, the poet of motion. He knew that he must live in the rarefied atmosphere for
eighteen seconds. When he passed the second flag, the chronometers registered 17.580 seconds, equivalent to 127.342 miles an hour.

Meiffret had survived his date with death.

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Unfortunately this picture is a photoshopped one with Chad Jacobsen's head on it... For some reason I can't find the original. I did an extensive internet search, thought I'd found it, and realized someone had just copied it from the satire story I did for Chad. Bummer, I'd like the original.

The great jersey sale

2007-09-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

A while back I started retiring all of my "old" jerseys... we all have them, stuff we thought looked cool at the time and now we just shake our heads wondering what we were thinking. We don't wear them anymore for fear of being ridiculed and beat down by the bike trail bully. Especially with our new "team" jersey design finally coming to fruition, these gems have got to go. It breaks my heart to part with them, but I'll just be happy to know they're going to a good home...

Buyer's note: If you are from Nigeria and are "very interested in my jerseys", please note that I only accept cashier's checks and that I prefer them to be thousands of dollars over the jersey amount so that I can send you the difference back within a day of actually cashing the check. If that sounds good to you please send me an email by clicking here Icantbelieveiamdumbenoughtoclickonthislink@yahoo.com

Triple Bypass 2005
If suffering for 120 miles over 10,000 feet of vertical gain wasn't enough, the freezing cold rain down Vail Pass, near hypothermia, and $100+ entry fee was.

No Fear Dangerous Sports Gear
Warning, if you do not participate in dangerous sports with no fear, you will probably be disappointed with this jersey. Comes with a complimentary bottle of Mountain Dew. For EXTREME risktakers only!

24Hour Fitness
We all remember the 24Hour Fitness cycling team and how they dominated the sport, those were the good old days.

Pearl Izumi solid blue, the "pack-filler"
This jersey is reserved for pack fillers in Right Guard commercials and biking movies. Surprise your friends and the bike trail heroes when you out-ride them while wearing the pack-filler jersey.

Pearl Izumi blue w/ white stripe, the "contender"
This jersey is reserved for hungry contenders that just can't quite catch our hero, it has added coloring to differentiate contenders from pack fillers in movies and Right Guard commercials. In a real life movie, Basso and Ulrich might wear something such as this while chasing Lance. Anyone fighting Rocky might also wear this jersey.

Performance long sleeve hooded jersey - savin' the best for last!
Famous Performance fit and quality, will fit best if you have tiny shoulders, tiny head, and HUGE beer gut. Hood hugs the head so well even Sir Lancelot would be proud.