Scott's Thotts

Grounded

2012-01-18T16:45:00.001Z

Whirlpool take me to the Deeps below
Originally uploaded by onkel_wart (busy busy busy....).

Where were you when the ground fell away from where I stood?

Where were you as all my rigid constructions tumbled down around me?

Where were you my love?

Where?

I know exactly where you were.

Without a moment’s pause, you threw your body down beneath me.

You gave me solid ground,

Something to stand on,

Purchase to push up and grasp the nearest branch.

So now I reach back down,

Outstretch my arm,

Uncurl my fingers and take hold

And pull you clear.

With all my strength I haul you up to join me,

Back where you belong.

Remembrance

2012-01-16T22:37:00.001Z

Chiu (Jiu) Gonpa and Gang Rinpoche,Mt. Kailash,གངས་རིན་པོ་ཆེ།
Originally uploaded by reurinkjan.

Clutching clawing gripping wrenching rending thoughts,
And then She says,
Remember who you are!

Shiva on Kailash, the poison held fast in his throat.

Gatuama ‘neath the Bodhi Tree, Mara’s armies dead at his feet.

Jaguar through the jungle trees, Yage sounds and colours exploding all around.

Old Grey Wolf lies in his lair, the cubs playing, yawns and rests his head to nap.

I smile, clear and steady,
I remember.

I remember.

The Endless Well

2012-01-11T12:04:00.001Z

crying eye. blue highkey version
Originally uploaded by starush.

These tears that fall
flow heavy and salted
from an endless well.

So we can cry forever if we like
or
as pure Awareness dawns
we simply choose to...

Stop.

Turn around.

Move back into the Light.

Another endless well where we can drown
and drown
and drown again.

Temple Girl

2012-01-04T18:28:00.001Z

Diwali_18(BW)
Originally uploaded by Mukul Banerjee (www.mukulbanerjee.com).

Every night
Darkness falls
She wanders through the Temple halls

Lighting candles in every shrine
Each lit flame
Each soft foot step between
With more devotion than
In all the pomp and ceremony
In all the Sanskrit chants rehearsed and regurgitated
In all the mindless gestures and heartless rituals
Of the Brahmin priests.

Shiva watches with a smile
He knows
Who will sit by his side.

The Burning

2011-12-30T11:05:00.001Z

Flame Hair
Originally uploaded by nEoPOL.

Do not wish away the Burning from your life.

Without that fire, the dark numb cold will be your path.

Look closer, pay a deep attention to your searing flesh.

And there inside you will see,

This very flame,

In Truth,

A lover's soft caress across your Soul.

The Faces at Braga

2011-12-16T11:46:00.001Z

inner peace..
Originally uploaded by PNike.

In monastery darkness
by the light of one flashlight
the old shrine room waits in silence

While above the door
we see the terrible figure,
fierce eyes demanding, "Will you step through?"

And the old monk leads us,
bent back nudging blackness
prayer beads in the hand that beckons.

We light the butter lamps
and bow, eyes blinking in the
pungent smoke, look up without a word,

see faces in meditation,
a hundred faces carved above,
eye lines wrinkled in the hand held light.

Such love in solid wood!
Taken from the hillsides and carved in silence
they have the vibrant stillness of those who made them.

Engulfed by the past
they have been neglected, but through
smoke and darkness they are like the flowers

we have seen growing
through the dust of eroded slopes,
then slowly opening faces turned toward the mountain.

Carved in devotion
their eyes have softened through age
and their mouths curve through delight of the carver's hand.

If only our own faces
would allow the invisible carver's hand
to bring the deep grain of love to the surface.

If only we knew
as the carver knew, how the flaws
in the wood led his searching chisel to the very core,

we would smile, too
and not need faces immobilized
by fear and the weight of things undone.

When we fight with our failing
we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself
and wrestle with the guardian, fierce figure on the side of good.

And as we fight
our eyes are hooded with grief
and our mouths are dry with pain.

If only we could give ourselves
to the blows of the carver's hands,
the lines in our faces would be the trace lines of rivers

feeding the sea
where voices meet, praising the features
of the mountain and the cloud and the sky.

Our faces would fall away
until we, growing younger toward death
every day, would gather all our flaws in celebration

to merge with them perfectly,
impossibly, wedded to our essence,
full of silence from the carver's hands.

David Whyte, Where Many Rivers Meet

UnChained

2011-12-03T10:59:00.001Z

Chains
Originally uploaded by Shay B. Malden.

Breaking free is hard
So tough
It almost breaks us
Until on day
You realise the Truth
That there is Nothing
Nobody
No Place
To break free from...

Just to remember
Who in Truth you really are
Is all you need...

Like Gathering Storm

2011-11-23T14:07:00.001Z

Paige Melanson at Healing Hands Massage in Seoul
Originally uploaded by Buddha baby.

After many years in and around the "spiritual/holistic zone" in Ayrshire, I have come to a definite conclusion – there is no such thing. There is no strong network or community of like-minded souls in this neck of the woods at all. Go to Edinburgh or Glasgow and you’ll see regular events hosted locally with people really putting effort into maintaining communities and groups and working hard to keep them going. (That’s not to say Ayrshire folks aren’t doing so, it’s just we seem to need to go to Glasgow in order to find a crowd with similar drive and interests).

I realised this 2 years ago, and wanted to do something about it. So I got to work and opened StillPoint Holistic Therapy Centre, hoping that would be a focal point for spiritual and holistic practitioners in Ayrshire to work from in developing what should be a thriving community.
To be blunt, despite all my hard work, that really hasn’t gone so well. The current recession has been part of the problem, but even more so I have found the problem lies in the therapists and teachers who say they want to work as teachers or healers in their chosen modalities but then either lack the business skills or simply don’t put in enough effort to make their businesses work.

So what’s the solution? Well, first option is to give up and let it evolve on its own (if ever). I have seriously considered this, but I’m not the giving up type.

So maybe a change of tactics is required. So far I have tried to let people come together and do their own thing, but then they tend to just wander off aimlessly still doing their own thing. Perhaps this little flotilla of therapists and teachers needs an Admiral to give direction and turn them into a fleet.

Am I that Admiral? Well I really hate the egotistical way that it may sound, but let’s have a look at how it lies objectively. First, I have a big boat – I have almost unfettered access to a venue that we can use to get our efforts together for either zero or (preferably) minimal cost. To clarify that situation, it costs me a fortune to run the Centre and I do have costs, but I am looking to create a community here and so long as that’s happening I can do all this without looking to be earning full business rates.

Second, I survived working full-time as a yoga teacher for over 5 years in Ayrshire. That’s no mean feat, it wasn’t easy. It still amazes me that people ignore the advice I give them to help them with their business – I’m no Donald Trump but the advice I give isn’t complicated – little gems like getting a website or using PayPal buttons are very simple to do, take little time, and bring clients in. So I know I can be of help to people in their own businesses and in creating a community that will bring clients to us all.

On the downside, we need to consider what I can’t do. I cannot do it all. I don’t have time to do this on my own. I probably don’t have the energy either. I need the help of other like-minded people with the drive to succeed. Open-minded and open-hearted people who want to create something for Ayrshire that is beyond our lesser selves.

So I am asking those of you who live in and around Ayrshire, are you up to that? Are you up to the challenge? Will you stand with me and try to create something good for our area?

Join in with these efforts on the Facebook page for the Ayrshire Holistic Community or email me at scott@exploreyoga.co.uk, but only if you are a do-er rather than a dream-er <3

Come Up Smelling of Roses

2011-11-10T23:33:00.001Z

Vinayagar Chaturthi Helps Us Realize The Unity Of All Life. It Teaches Us To Drop Off Our Ego-Centric, Individualism For God-Centered Universalism.
Originally uploaded by JourneyToNoWhere.

"Just as the trunk of an ordinary tree
Lying in the forests of the Malaya mountains
Absorbs the perfume of sandal from the moist leaves and branches,
So you come to resemble whomever you follow."
Patrul Rinpoche

I have had a difficult decision on my mind for a couple of years now (one among many). I read this quote this morning and it has clarified matters for me. If I don't get up and move on I will begin to smell of sandalwood too. It is time to leave the forest...

PS I actually like the smell of sandalwood, this is purely metaphorical ;-)

Virtual Duality

2011-11-04T23:50:00.001Z

tango_underwater_4
Originally uploaded by theoryofcolour.

Soft satin brushing lips made moist
The salty darkness in between
Entwined
And tumbling
Tumbling
Deeper down we glide
In joy
Immersed.

This Sacred writhing
Wrapped and so enrapt
Fierce eyes that penetrate the watery gloom
To pierce two hearts with one thin sacred cord,
To cloak our naked bodies in the black of the abyss,
And share each moment’s spacious Siren song.

Yet there within each note, each word, each haunting melody
We hear the Truth
That all the glory of this Union made of Two
Serves only to remind us to gaze inwards and pursue
The Union made of One
And One alone.

A letter to my self

2011-10-28T09:02:00.001Z

Be More Human / Mehr Mensch Sein
Originally uploaded by an untrained eye.

Dear Scott

I am writing this to me as a reminder of something that I have just learned.

I am writing it after a very intense meltdown where I let mind stuff wreak havoc in my life when there was nothing actually wrong. I am writing in full knowledge that this will probably happen again, and that I will at that time be totally unable to remember these lessons, and will create more wreckage as I do so. I am writing this in the hope that at such times I will read this letter, or be prompted by those dear to me to read it when the you or I realise I am back there again. I am writing in the hope that when Ire-visit these lessons it will short-cut my process and limit the suffering I cause to others and to my self.

You are caught up in a big maelstrom of thoughts right now. Thoughts have no substance, and they do not equate to reality, not matter how real they may seem. They may have some truth in them, but they are not “The Truth” no matter how powerful they may seem. That in itself does not help, but it is a good starting point to bring clear, conscious awareness to this delusion you are immersed in right now.

Other people have their own delusions, and you may end up in a huge reactive cycle based upon this interplay between conflicting viewpoints. They are not wrong, but neither are you. It is just a viewpoint, like when one person views the moon with the naked eye and another looks at it through a telescope. They see different things. These views can conflict, and there is no resolution to that discord. But you can choose not to enter into such a downward spiral with them. It really is a good idea to step away from it and find some space. You don’t need to give up your viewpoint or give in as you do it. Just make the clear conscious choice to stop feeding the destructive interaction between you and them, and find some clarity.

Not easy, by the way. Very, very difficult. But you are strong. And beautiful, and intelligent and all those things you sometimes worry you are not. You will survive, in fact if you make choices with clarity and not the befuddled mind you have right now, you will transform the situation and prosper – be stronger, wiser and more clear than before. This is a choice you make and then you do it.

How do you do it? Well first of all, don’t look for ways to do it outside of yourself. You must look in. Find the fear and suffering that is plaguing you, the doubts, and face them head on. Do deeper in. Only that way can you come through the other side. Don’t be afraid. These are thoughts, they have no substance and they have no power over you. You just sometimes forget that, in fact, it is you who has power over them! But now you remember, and so now you can return to being their master and not their slave.

Take some time and sit. Alone, still, be quiet and go in. Take the suffering and pain and let it burn you. These are just emotions and they will pass. When they do, there will be no damage and the suffering will be gone. IT IS NOT REAL!

Now in the time you have been going through this process before you found your way back in, you may have let your suffering out and inflicted it upon other people. How they react to that is not really your problem, but show some compassion and take responsibility for your part in being the stimulus to their own suffering. Be open and express what you were going through to the other person. Let your vulnerability shine out and take whatever they throw back at you, open-hearted, and help them to see past their own suffering.

You have done some damage and while it may not even be able to be repaired, you can at least express regret at the effects of what you did – even though you know you had to go through that process, you can acknowledge that you didn’t mean to harm anyone. You can tell them how you have evolved and how you will be making efforts not to do the same again. You can help them to evolve into forgiving you. Anyone who cannot, who closes down to you, well that is not your fault. Just keep loving them the way you do and see what happens.

It is time to move onwards and evolve. If you have any lingering feelings of being done wrong to, then choose forgiveness for that person. Make it a choice not to have whatever slight you feel they incurred bother you at any moment for the rest of your life. Let go of the negative stuff, this is renunciation – we don’t need to renounce the good stuff, but it really helps to renounce the stuff that is hurtful and causes more damage in our lives.

You are not perfect. You will make mistakes, you may even make this one again. You deserve forgiveness and a chance to grow. Be strong and hold out for that, at the same time letting go of any worries or fears about what might happen.
Just let it go!

So that’s it really. Go inside, suffer your way to clarity, sort out any damage you have done and let go of any negative feelings over what happened in this petty (in the grand scheme of things) meltdown. Forgive and leave space to be forgiven.

You are actually amazing. You have changed so much from this, and will evolve even more to become such a wonderful, compassionate being who can help others. Never forget it.

All my love,

Scott

I am NOT a Yogi

2011-10-19T21:58:00.001Z

the ice musician
Originally uploaded by aziouezmazouz.

I am a Yogi.
I am not a Yogi.
I am a both a Yogi and a not-Yogi.
I am neither a Yogi nor a not-Yogi.

At the point where you can reconcile these four statements and hold them all equally valid at the same time without contradiction, experientially and not intellectually (because they cannot be resolved intellectually)... THAT is realisation.

Drowning

2011-10-16T12:53:00.001Z

Underwater nude
Originally uploaded by DraperStudios.

Again
Again
Again
I find
My
Self
Drowning in Your Ocean, feeling
Wanted
Needed
Loved
As I never have
Before.

From those blue blackened depths of shimmering green
I stare up at the light,
Immersed in liquid bliss,
Knowing
I could never
Want
For more.

And then
The sandy floor beneath my feet so trembles
Jagged lines like breaking glass,
The very ground just falls away and down I sink
I sink down deeper,
Deeper,
Deeper Still.
More love,
More care,
More,
More than I can take,
I weep in awe.

My tears of joy melt salt with yours
Dissolve into another level of your Love.
Bhagavan, I drown
So gladly
In your heart’s yawning abyss
Where we turn Shadow into Light
And yet,
And yet we let it be
We let it be still Shadow all the same.

While we just dance and drown and love,
And dance and drown and love.
And dance.
And drown.
In love.

Unimpressed

2011-09-30T13:13:00.001Z

Unimpressed
Originally uploaded by Frank Fullard.

If you can not
Express
Your life,
Your love,
Your Self
To her
In just one kiss,
Then what?

Tell me what?

What can you do?

Life for Sale

2011-09-30T12:44:00.001Z

Be Unique!
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine.

Did you sell out?
Did you give up too soon?
Did you buy into what people want you to be, let go of where you wanted to go?
Are you comfortable?
How much are you willing to give in order to keep your comfort levels as they are?
Would you fight for it?
Would you even die for it?

You know you don’t need to die for it. It’s much worse than that.

Actually what you need to do, is find those things that make your body sparkle, that make your life so light that you just dive into its warm waters.

Yes, it’s far worse than dying – you actually need to LIVE for it.

Oh right, I forgot, you have children.
You have a job.
You have a house and mortgage to pay.
You have a circle of friends and a social status to maintain.
People expect things of you. You expect things of you.

So I guess you just need to settle for now, and when things get better, then you can do what you want. When the kids go to Uni, or when you retire. Or maybe when they have children and those children are of school age and no longer need you to look after them. Or when you get your bus pass. Or a telegram from the Queen.

I know, what about when you die? Howsabout you start living your real life right at that moment, just as you wheeze there wondering if each constricted gasp will be your final breath? I mean that will be fine, as long as you get to be the real you before you draw your last one, right?

Why worry about it now? It would be so difficult to be the real you, to be honest with yourself about what you really want from life rather than just taking what is given. All that effort for so many years and for what?

I mean you’re happy now, aren’t you? Yes, you know you are. You know everything’s peachy and you feel so full and complete.

You could keep pretending that’s so. Or you could decide right now to get up and do something about it. Do that one difficult thing that will make you feel open and vulnerable, but take you one burning baby step closer to living a life that makes you feel complete.

Find your courage today, with love.

There is no tomorrow, so do it now.

The Infintely Recursive Nature of Letting Go

2011-09-29T16:40:00.001Z

Thanksgiving Chapel- Dallas
Originally uploaded by 3dphoto.net.

Once you have let go of everything, what next? Where do you stop? Letting go of people, letting go of things... letting go of life itself, and then letting go of death... Letting go of letting go? Is that like the infinity of recursive images when you position two mirrors parallel to one another?

And then to let go of that? What happens when you reach the point where there is nothing left to let go of? You let go of that nothing? And find it is all nothing anyway... nothing and everything all at once… time to vomit it all up and begin again...

The Black Gate Opens

2011-09-26T12:00:00.001Z

The Winds Of Change (Storms Of Your Life)
Originally uploaded by Tomasito.!.

I set off on my Medicine Walk with my sense of anxiety and an empty belly for company, not having eaten anything in 24 hours and knowing I had another 12 at least before I would eat again. This is definitely way out of my comfort zone, and though I am used to fasting for a day, I’m certainly not used to doing so when I have so much exercise to do.

Still, I was lucky enough not to have that on my mind as I started walking. Because all night these ‘downloads’ had been plaguing me, and I had been writing down notes about them every so often, until I had filled up 4 pages of everything zooming through me. This continued as I walked and I had to stop every so often to get down more thoughts and ideas that were coming to me, again in the form of a mirror reflecting what was going on in my own life.

I walked up this track into the valley behind the bothy, pouring out my ideas onto paper, ranging from true relationship to ordinary spirituality, from fierce transformation in the grip of harsh suffering to the impatience trap of ‘trying’ to speed up spiritual evolution. All the time as I walked and wrote, the storm started gathering in around me. I turned off the path and started up the first mountain, really having little idea of exactly where I would go but trusting in my knowledge and experience of these hills over the past 20+ years. I just kept walking where it seemed like I should walk, hadn’t even brought a map as I knew I could drop off the ridge to the north any time and find my way back to a road.

As I went up the weather got worse, the wind picking up and eventually the rain started to spit. By this point I had filled another 4 pages of notes, and in fact this was the last of the paper I had brought. Just as I used up the last space in that paper, the heavens opened and the downpour began.

Up and up I trudged, to the summit of Craigencallie where I’ve stood a good few times before. The rain had now turned to hailstones, and the wind was almost at the point of being able to push me sideways. But somehow it still felt safe, having walked and climbed in much worse in winter I still felt very safe nestled in my Gore Tex jacket and salopettes. I turned towards the ridge leading to Lamachan Hill, or at least where I thought that was as I was well and truly cloud walking by this time.

I had deliberately not checked the time at this point, and continued to avoid this until I was well on my way to Lamachan. I was definitely feeling tired, not just of the effort but also of the constant thoughts streaming through my head. It had certainly eased off from my note-writing phase, but was still there and I was finding it hard to stay present and ‘connect with nature’ which seemed intent on either drowning me or lifting me up and throwing me over the cliffs. Eventually I checked the time, reckoning it must have been about 1pm which meant only 6 hours to go… I was pretty dismayed to find it wasn’t even noon yet, so interesting what a difference that one hour made to me.

So I had been walking for just 5 hours, and already was feeling really tired, and carrying the thought that I had more than that to go before I got to rest or have something to eat. Shortly after it really came to a point of putting one foot in front of the other just to make it up to the summit of Lamachan. I was actually saying to myself, like a mantra, “Just another step” over and over. I reached the summit, or it may have been a subsidiary peak, and kept on going along the ridge to the other peaks. I knew now that I’d probably have to walk all the way along to Glen Trool in order to have a journey long enough to walk until dusk. What I didn’t know was that my sense of topography was very skewed.

The walking seemed to get easier and I found a second wind. My mind had eased a little but the weather was just the same. I kept going and an hour or so later reached what seemed to be the end of the ridge. Now I have walked this route in reverse before, from Glen Trool to Loch Dee via Lamachan, though it was many years ago (maybe about 15 years). My error was in thinking that the ridge runs east to west, when in fact at the end it dips down southeast and takes you away from Glen Trool – which is relevant because at Glen Trool there’s a track that leads back to the bothy (where I’d left my sleeping bag and mat) and then back to my car. I expected to come down the hill into familiar territory, but as I got out of the clouds I realised that I wasn’t where I thought I was.

I made my way further down and stopped to rest and drink water, having a look at the land around me. I didn’t have a map but at least I’d brought my compass, and I knew if I kept heading north I’d find Glen Trool, so I checked my bearings (glad to know they were still correct even without the compass) and saw that I needed to cross through some Forestry Commission woods (thick pine forest) to a fire gap, and up that fire gap and over a ridge to what I hoped would be the track to Glen Trool.

By now I was pretty wet, the rain starting to seep in through the Gore Tex, and as I made my way down I twisted my left knee – a reminder that having had 3 knee ops on that one it was maybe a bit silly to have expected to handle such a big mountain day. I reached the forest and paused - here I was, 8 hours into a walk across Scottish mountains, injured, not having eaten for over a day, about to push my way through a dark forest where the trees blockaded my every move with their branches and drainage ditches lay like bear traps underfoot. And I had volunteered to do this… why?

And the opening lines from Dante’s Divine Comedy bounced into my head:

“In the middle of the road of my life
I awoke in the dark wood
where the true way was wholly lost.”

The metaphor for my life was amazing. Beyond feeling drained and quite battered, mentally, emotionally and physically, I began to see something else unfold. As I stood hesitating to enter the woods, I realised that I haven’t challenged myself so much, especially in terms of the physical, for many many years. And though it had been difficult, I was still there, putting one foot in front of another.

I was still going, despite being lost and knowing I had to endure several hours more effort, starting with this really impossible terrain. Yes, despite all this, I hadn’t given up, I hadn’t taken the easy path, I just kept going and could see my resolve to keep going no matter what came along. Of course I did think in my (foolish) mind that I just had to get through this forest and over the fire gap, and then it would be a walk along a track for the rest of the day, but the important thing I realised was that I truly believed in my own ability to keep going and get myself out of this situation.

So I entered the dark forest, and within a few steps plunged my right leg thigh-deep into a mossy drainage ditch, whilst simultaneous fighting off the branches that blocked my way. I hopped out of that and kept going. The rain started again and by now I was getting soaked through my waterproofs. Interesting thing about being under pine trees, they actually seem to multiply the rain rather than giving shelter!

I crossed a stream and somehow found the fire gap right where I’d expected it. And after a hard slog along its boggy length, I hurdled (okay, thrutched actually) some fallen trees that kept me back from the road at the other side.

Phew! Road – safety – long slog back to civilisation, but at least all the wilderness was done!

I thought that for a few seconds before looking around at the scenery and realising again that I wasn’t exactly where I thought I’d be. Compass check shows I am still heading north, so where in the name o’ the wee man was Glen Trool? How far south had I gone?

I followed the road and, well I’ll spare you the fine detail of the next couple of hours… let’s just say that road led to a forest and the forest got thicker and thicker, the rain kept pouring down and there was no track any more. I was twisting my ankles and jarring knees with every step as it descended steeply down, the forest floor littered with broken and off-cut branches that stabbed into me as I walked. At one point I bounced into a branch that felt like it pierced my salopettes and went into my leg. “That’s it!” I thought – lost in a forest with blood pouring out from a severed artery, even if I had a mobile signal I couldn’t guide anyone in to rescue me before I bled out. Luckily the pain was the only thing I got from that branch, it hadn’t pierced my Gore Tex armour… well the only thing aside form an extra degree of caution as I placed my feet more carefully for the next while.

Eventually this forest led to another road which went into a forest and turned into a track which… led me to where I wanted to be, at the side of Glen Trool. Part of the way along this part of the route I realised that I’d had the same song playing in my head for most of the day. Unfortunately for me I’d posted Amiel’s “Love Song” on Facebook a few days before, and the chorus was rattling through my head over and over:

“Thanks you've been fuel for thought,
Now I’m more lonely than before
But that’s okay I've just ready made another fucking love song!”

Now seriously, I don’t mean I heard it every so often. This song was on constant play for almost all the time I had been walking that day. And let’s just say it was really starting to grind! I brought out Krishna Das and got into some serious Om Namah Shivaya to try to drive that Australian witch out of my mind, but still she kept coming back.

I made my way onto the track along the north side of Glen Trool, just west of the site of the battle there. I was back on familiar ground, and at that point the rain stopped again. I was drenched thoroughly, and utterly exhausted. It was ten hours since I’d set off, my knees ached and my feet felt so raw that I was almost scared to take off my boots and see the damage I had done. I walked along the path (much longer than I remembered) and came very close to civilisation again, a few farm houses on the north side of the loch. But I kept going rather than doing what I really wanted to do which was just lie down and let someone else sort out the mess. I returned back to my mantra of “Just another step” and slowly made my way back towards the bothy. The only saving grace was that Amiel seemed to have pissed off and left me alone again.

I’m now getting pretty bored of finding new ways to express how long and difficult this walk had become, so the summary version ensues. Actually more interesting now than the physical hardship was a change in my mind that occurred. Up until this point I was watching my rambling mind and thinking, “This isn’t working, I’m not getting any clearer.” My thoughts had been very suffering-focused, maybe just a sort of pain management system at work. Now the pain was getting worse, it began to harness the power of anger. It got into a very “I’m not putting up with that” attitude… actually, to be honest, it really went “Fuck you, there’s no fucking way I’m doing that any more!” about a lot of things going on in my life.

This felt so solid, such a rock, and it gave me a lot of strength to keep going. It felt like I was realising my own worth, and finally operating from that place. The anger went away, and there was just a sense of surety in the fact I wasn’t going to put up with a lot of things I’ve been accepting. I started thinking about the way I wanted to live my life, all the things I would do, and the many things I was no longer prepared to do. This carried me on for the next couple of hours as I got back to the bothy, by which time I’d been walking for about 12 hours and it was getting dark.

The bothy lies uphill from the track, and I seriously considered just buying a new sleeping bag and mat rather than taking that half hour detour up and back. But in the end my tightness got the better of me and I went up to retrieve my things and have a heavier backpack for the final hour. Trudging back down the hill (ouch, ouch) I set off again, and my mind shifted again.

I saw how my anger and determination of the past couple of hours had been at the expense of what I had learned, or been shown, right at the beginning of my journey – that my path is the path of surrender. I began to really let go of the things that were holding me back, just let them free to do whatever they would do. I realised that I never ever have had any control of them in the first place, and I couldn’t influence anything to do what I wanted. I saw that all I can do is love what I love, do what I do, and whether anything works or anyone loves me back is really not under my control at all.

With this mindset came a real calmness through my body, a sold feeling in my stomach. It didn’t make the next hour’s walk back to the car feel any better, but at least I felt that it had all been worthwhile. Perhaps a bit foolish, but very worthwhile indeed.

And it's amazing how great a few bits of fruit taste when you haven't eaten in 36 hours!

Journey to the Cross-roads

2011-09-25T11:37:00.001Z

Dancing with the Devil
Originally uploaded by skarpi.

As I lay within my sleeping bag, I set my mind firmly to the intention of my Death Lodge – to let die that part of me that was anxious and fearful, the quivering insecure aspects that held me back from doing what I’m meant to do, from my very purpose in life.

The copse was very beautiful, even among all that death there was life as spiders and other insects moved about everywhere in the near-darkness. I had a little tealight burning nearby, but even that seemed to have trouble staying alive. Despite there being no wind, it flickered away as if there wasn’t enough oxygen there to keep it burning. The full moon’s glow began to peek up above the hilly ridge in front of me, and up above, among the dead pine branches, the stars began to appear like little flashlights, no clouds to cover them.

I closed my eyes and tried to focus in on this death. I felt my path was to go deeper into this fearful aspect of me, to reach the point of terror and come through the other side. But I felt so strong, so self-assured from my experiences earlier that day, it was so difficult to ‘terrify’ myself into that state. I realised that there were shapes gathering around me – 7 trees in a circle surrounded me, and to my right there was a shape like a dog, a black dog with a snout the same as the dog in Toy Story. I looked over and it was a tree stump that looked nothing like a dog, but every time I looked away there he was again in the corner of my eye. At first it felt like he was waiting for me to die, to tear into me, but then I realised he was protecting me.

I should point out to anyone that doesn’t know me, that I really “don’t believe in that kind of stuff.” You know, ghosts and magic and psychic things, I’m a real sceptic. I am a lot more open these days, but often if I cannot rationalise something then I find it hard to believe. Still, something opened out in me on this night and I saw some things I couldn’t really explain, so I decided not to bother trying.

I fell asleep for a minute and as I slept a beautiful blonde woman with elfin features whispered in my ear. It wasn’t anything profound, I knew it was mundane even though I couldn’t remember what she said, but her very whispering woke me up again. I drowsed in and out of slumber a few times, perhaps recovering some strength for the rest of the night. My face got quite cold at times and I covered my head occasionally to heat up again, which was quite interesting as in a pine forest little bits drop off the trees all the time and I had a regular patter of pine needles dropping against my sleeping bag to fire my “in the wilderness alone” imagination.

At times I looked over to see the candle light in the bothy window, and as the darkness covered it was all I could see of the bothy. It stood like some fiery portal into another world, beckoning me to safety and warmth, but I knew to go there would simply keep me in my own manufactured hell. And so I went back again and again into the dark doorway in my mind, to keep revisiting this frightened self that I was letting die that night.

Eventually, after a few hours I reckon, I reached a point where I felt it was time to let go of these aspects of me. So I sat up and took the piece of paper on which I’d written all of the words describing this fearful aspect, and as I went to burn it, I realised there was one more aspect of my life that actually wholly represented this aspect of me at this present moment. So I flipped the paper over and wrote that on the back, though I think it’ll stay a secret for now as it would take a bit of explaining that I’m not so interested in doing. And with my ‘old’ self complete, I leaned over to the tealight and set it alight. After it burned I dug a small hole and buried it. Gone.

I settled down and went to sleep, and that’s when the real terror began! It wasn’t thick and furious, but whereas before that point I’d really had to work to take myself into my fear, it seemed that now I was just going there as I slept. I jumped awake a couple of times, really fearful (even though to be honest I’m not one to be scared of the dark) and one time I actually woke up choking. Instead of getting easier this only seemed to get worse.

So when I awoke just before dawn I was a little confused – wasn’t the Death Lodge supposed to be the end of that fear? But I also recognised that my intention wasn’t just to do the Death Lodge, but also that day’s planned Medicine Walk. So why would the process be complete until I had finished that?

The wind had picked up during the night and I could feel the forecast storm front coming in, even in that pre-dawn light. I got up and began to pack my bags, still a little shaken but looking forward to the peace and calm I hoped the Medicine Walk would bring me.

I really had no idea what was still to come!

[To be continued…]

A Shortcut to Mushrooms

2011-09-24T21:05:00.001Z

The Execution
Originally uploaded by Terra Kate.

Well it’s been over a week now, so I guess I should say a little about the very profound Death Lodge and Medicine Walk that I undertook last week. The whole thing was quite long, so please bear with em as I take 3 posts to explain what happened.

This all came about as a result of a whole load of shit going on in my life, major upheavals in terms of relationships and work that I won’t go into. Let’s just say I got to a point last week that I knew a part of me had to die – a part of me that was keeping hold of fear and causing me to hold a very negative attitude towards myself. Chatting with friends, I felt that I needed to do a Vision Quest, however I had neither the time to do it nor the money to pay someone to supervise such a lengthy and difficult journey. So one friend suggested I do a Medicine walk and another that I do a Death Lodge.

Essentially, the Death Lodge is a shamanic practice, and is an intentional period of solitude in nature, without distractions and incorporates fasting as well as prayer, observation, and journaling. Its intention is to let die something in your life which is no longer of use to you, an old habit or suchlike. In a way I saw this as a processing of dying to the ‘old’ me.

Of course, after the ‘old’ (fake, inauthentic, constructed, conditioned) you dies, it becomes very important how you re-construct the ‘new’ you. And so the Medicine Walk seemed a perfect way to bring about rebirth – it’s not really constructing anything, the secret would be to hold a space for long enough and let the ‘real’ authentic you come out. To do this, you walk from dawn to dusk in nature in a very mindful, meditative way, staying as open and as present as you can throughout.

So I set off on Thursday for the Galloway Forest Park, planning to sleep outdoors near to a mountain bothy I have frequented for years with my friends. I didn’t know exactly where I would sleep, just that it would be near to this bothy. I started by fasting from that morning, and clearing some work and communications that I needed to get out of the way to clear a space for these ceremonies. Shortly before I set off, I took some time to firmly set my intention, which was to prove very important – indeed, it is becoming really clear to me how powerful just the simple act of clearly setting my intention in anything can be.

I started the 90 minute drive to where I would leave my car soon after setting my intention. About 20 minutes into the drive I began to have this constant stream of thoughts/ideas and, since I was driving and couldn’t write, began speaking them out loud. It wasn’t like I was verbalising my thoughts, almost felt like I was “lecturing myself” or as if someone else was channelling through me (though I was fully conscious all the time of what I was saying). These ‘instructions’ were very clear, and were accompanied by the calmest feeling throughout my body that I have had in many, many years. It was rock solid, as if there wasn’t an element of doubt in these words throughout my body, not a butterfly in my tummy or flutter in my chest.
The core of these messages was about two things – first of all intention and its power in my life. But also, and very strongly, that my path right now is the way of surrender. That there are so many things going on and the way I have been living for decades, trying to control things in my life – work, social life, relationships – simply hasn’t worked. So it is time for me to let go, and the more I let go of, the better my life will become.

This continued for hours – I drove to the parking place and then got out, geared up with my rucksack and walking boots, and started walking for the bothy. And as I walked the channelling continued, just stream after stream of ideas and thoughts about intention and surrender, about how it worked and how my main enemy was impatience. How impatience often led me to side-step major issues, but that is foolish because if you don’t deal with it there and then it just comes around again another time. I was also shown how if you are impatient then it shows that your intention has not been properly set – by very definition, if you truly set your intention from a rock hard core of commitment, that includes the patience to see it through no matter what. So this is not a flimsy form of intention as in, “I am going to try this.” It is a solid form, more akin to, “This is what I need to do, and I will give it my everything again and again until it is done.”

It is not a commitment to DO something, it is a commitment to FINISH it.

The form of these revelations was fascinating, as they were not revealed to me through the example of my own life, but of someone I have been very close with for some time. I was shown these lessons through what she has done, and how these are simply a mirror for my own life and my own mistakes. This was quite clear from the beginning, that what I was seeing was not criticism about how someone else was living, but a reflection back on myself to change the same things in me.

I was shown the nature of true transformation, how it needs to begin with accepting the world as it is (surrender). If you transform the events of the situation, that is ducking out and avoidance. You must first accept the event itself and the circumstances, and then you can transform their impact from negative to positive, but to simply turn it into a positive event from the outset or very soon thereafter is not acceptance. If an event is terrible, then let it be terrible, accept its terribleness, and then transform it into a terrible learning experience. This would be as opposed to the love-and-light-and-peace-and-happiness process of saying that it is not terrible, denying its very nature to begin with, and thereby never learning how to truly cope with such events.

This then allows you not only to move to your edge, but to find ways beyond the edge of your ability to transform.

The channelling continued to some extent for most of that night and into the next day, but interestingly my calmness fluttered somewhat as soon as I rounded a bend and caught sight of the bothy (and also my eventual death Lodge site). At that point I felt that perhaps the calmness I felt so far was a fake, that something within me had been trying to convince me that I didn’t need to go through this crazy process. It felt like I was being fed Truth and shown calmness to convince me I didn’t need any ceremonies to feel better, and I smiled as it seemed something inside me was afraid of the power of these ceremonies and would do anything to convince me to stop.

As I walked up the hill to the bothy, a copse of trees caught my eye on the right. Without thought or analysis I realised that this was where I had to do my Death Lodge. I checked out the bothy (many changes there, good to see it in good nick though), lit a couple of candles in the windows in case I needed to find my way back there through the night, and then went over to the woods.

This copse of woods was amazing. The reason it caught my attention was that the branches (fir trees) started much higher than the surrounding forestry. When I got there I realised this was because most of these trees were dead. I found a nice level place to put down my mat, and realised the whole floor around this spot was littered with various mushrooms, including a few fly agaric. There were stumps and rotten trees covered in fungus, and an overall feeling that things had died there. The copse was, through two drainage ditches and a stream, surrounded by running water. It was also a bit infested by midges, but thankfully it was close to dusk and as the temperature dropped they disappeared.

I set out my mat and sleeping bag (the weather forecast was dry but I still put it inside a survival bag for cover), lit a candle and climbed inside…

[To be continued…]

Gods in the Machine

2011-09-22T09:50:00.001Z

Lal baba
Originally uploaded by Elishams.

Looking outwards
As I pass the mirror I fall
In.

Why such surprise
When once again I find
Shiva
Staring back at me?

Woman, You are Indeed the Ocean Blue

2011-09-21T08:10:00.001Z

Waves.Olas.SUANCES.Playa de "Los Locos" / 0891DSC
Originally uploaded by Rafael G. Riancho (Lunada) / Rafa Riancho.

Woman
You are indeed the ocean blue
As wave and running wave
You crash might and fury
Down on me.
Smash your flowing essence deep
Into my soul
Then roll away, once more
Becalmed.
So still.

Yet mindful of the next wave yet to come,
A hundred miles away and I still taste your salty spit.
And when your love sprays
Saline stings my wounds still raw,
But I would rather die than shelter from the impact of your heart so wild.

I can but stand in awe of your vast splendour’s limitless expanse
Writhing
Twisting
Drowning
Gladly in your love.
Far wider than your distant shores,
Without conditions,
My heart opens just as wide.

I am the One

2011-09-13T12:19:00.001Z

Yab Yum.tantric
Originally uploaded by advcpl69.

I am the One who drew you with a smile
I am the One who welcomed you with wide embrace
I am the One who worked to unpick all your locks
I am the One who coldly spat upon your face
I am the One who tears and burns with fear
I am the One who burns you,
Whispering fire into your ear.

I am the One who cowers, trembles,
Lost inside.
I am the One who laughs and dances at your loved ones
Who have died.

I am the One who open-mouthed drinks in the rain
I am the One who crashes towers down inside my plane
I am the One who swells up like the Ocean vast
I am the One whose great tsunami crashes over you
I am the One who with a hand stops short
A baby’s final breath
I am the One that loves you
And loves you
And loves you
Unto death.

I am the One with earth and fire and water gives you life
I am the One with fire and earth and water makes you mine
I am the One with every passing second bleeds you dry
I am the One who in the mirror you can see,
Reflected in your eye.
I am the One who loves you wider than the skies
I am the One who with that love, turns round and walks away,
Contented as our love just dies.

I am the One.
I am the One.
I am
The One.

Killing Face

2011-09-13T11:59:00.001Z

jaguar
Originally uploaded by allereb.

I smile, the dance of sunlight on my face,
Knowing of the murder I intend,
Rummaging around in chests and closets covered thick with dust,
I search and search and look to find
My killing face.

But why, I wonder,
Why do I look here?
Why do I look here in the attic bright?
Why do I choose to delve and plunge in this high place?
When with a faith as sure as day turns into night,
I know for certain that I walled him in
With bricks and mortar, buffered still
With layer upon layer of the cold dark blankets of my basement’s depths.

And casting off my fear I know that it is time
To once again descend and dig into that space of shadows.

Only there,
Only there,
Lies that which I need most.

The Rules of Navigation

2011-09-10T10:56:00.002Z

Map and Compass
Originally uploaded by Weeping-Willow.

1) The compass points straight, but navigation is not linear. There will be obstacles in your path. Accept them, find a way around and then move on.

2) Maps are beautiful and wonderful tools to aid navigation. They can give you insight beyond your knowledge and the basis on which to make wise choices and strong plans.

3) The map is NOT the territory. Never, not ever. The territory is alive, it changes, and even the best made map has flaws. Swollen rivers and fallen trees, roadworks and diversions, all seem to conspire you from following your plan. Look up from your map and see the territory about you. That is what the journey, this navigation, is all about.

4) Learn to explore off the map. Getting lost is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is if you funnel everything in your life to be within such a limited range of possibilities that everything happens exactly as you want it. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the surprise? That’s like being on a train and watching the scenery whizz past, no option to stop and enjoy.

5) If you’re lost be lost – be the best lost that you can. Be the best lost that you can until it’s time not to be lost any more.

The Executioner's Creed

2011-09-09T10:36:00.003Z

Framing
Originally uploaded by jennywri.

Once more you bare your Gordian knot,
Stretch up your neck as if to feel my blade.
Once more as I stand firm and raise my sword aloft,
You draw a shield across and underneath withdraw.

Know this :
A sword is made to penetrate.
Its cutting edge grows dull if sheathed or left
High on a rack in some dark armoury with other swords,
As if it had no purpose of its own but forged to gather rust and fade away.

So if you wish to feel my edge
Then feel my edge.
And if your courage falters bid me pin your head and lock your body fast,
And though you squirm and try to draw away and scream
To stop, then know that I will cut
And cut I shall.

For if you raise your shield again,
If you so feel that armour is your friend,
I’ll simply walk away and find
Another knot to cut.