Scott's Thotts

The Bad Buddhist

2012-11-28T10:18:00.001+00:00

Broken Buddhas
Originally uploaded by MarkandJuliah.

So it’s time for transformation, and drawing this blog to a close. I have decided instead to set up a page on my new website (embodiedtransformation.co.uk) to blog from and keep all my stuff together, so please check out badbuddhist.co.uk from now on and keep in touch.

So why the Bad Buddhist? Every time I mention what a Bad Buddhist I am (usually on my Facebook page) I get people telling me I’m not, or that there’s no such thing.

Actually, it’s a joke - a bit of an in joke with me and my beloved. So just like everyone else I fall down a lot in practice or in the ways I behave, and I find a way into that through the humour of emphasizing what a Bad Buddhist I am. And I want this new page to be for all the “Bad Buddhists” out there... those who try to live by the Buddha’s advice in some way, but constantly find “life” getting in the way of those ideals.... and realise it's not really such a big deal anyways.

I will keep this blog page open as an archive of all my previous ramblings, hope you’ve enjoyed them and that I continue to annoy/frustrate/irritate with my new page ;-)

Yoga Sex Scandal

2012-10-17T11:27:00.001+00:00

Storm Waves
Originally uploaded by Damon Bay.

I have become embroiled in (yet another) yoga sex scandal.

Well, when I say embroiled, let me begin with saying that I am not (and never have been) “the accused party.” My life is complicated enough without that kind of shit going on for sure. But this one has actually landed on my front door, and I feel it necessary to dip my toe in at the very least.

Why do I usually not get involved in the posturing that goes on over yoga sex scandals? Most of the time it’s because I have a life (i.e. better things to do with my time) and the kind of petty flame-fest moral judgement bullshit that follows a yoga teacher having consensual sex with a student utterly bores the shit out of me. I get the whole “position of trust” thing, really I do - I worked as a cop for 12 years, 5 of those in the CID investigating sexual crimes, and I think I have an insight into the boundaries of acceptable behaviour that many never will. Maybe I hang about with too many Tantrika-s, but most times I read about “sex scandals” I find teacups full of whimpering storms that have no substance at all when you consider sex and relationship beyond the choking constricts of inauthentic Victorian values or phony Brahmacharin attitudes. They are usually just a forum for some people to feel morally superior at the expense of others.

Actually it’s often not the sex in the scandal that ruins careers and brings down entire Yoga empires overnight, it’s the lack of transparency and the deceit that goes with it. So perhaps a good way to stay clear of sex scandals is to be open and honest about relationships, avoid manipulating others and avoid doing anything that you feel a need to hide from the world (noting of course that this is very different from feeling the need to tell everyone about everything, and ordinary rights to privacy always apply).

But this case is different for me, for three main reasons. The first one is that it involves my former teacher, the biggest influence in my yoga teaching and a massive influence in my life to date, Kausthub Desikachar. Now I’m not talking about him being my teacher in the sense of those who love name-dropping on their website because they once went to a workshop by Shiva Rea or spent a few months in Mysore as an anonymous face that Sri K. Pattabhi Jois wouldn’t know apart from the guy selling coconuts in the street three crossroads away. I had a personal relationship with Kausthub, to the extent that I regarded him as a friend as well as my teacher.

As well as the Yoga side of studying in his Sanga in India from 2007 - 2009, sitting in hour after hour of lectures and lessons, and of helping arrange his trips to Scotland, I have dined with him and his family regularly, sat and chatted over tea in his home with him, received gifts and wedding invitations form his family, edited a book for him, even got up out of bed to go photographing along the coast of Tamil Nadu with him at 4am on a chilly Sunday morning. That said, I made the decision a couple of years ago to move on and find my way without him as a teacher, but not for any reason at all relevant to this situation. Still, I feel that I have insight into this situation and a right to speak my mind about the allegations i have heard to date.

The second main reason I am voicing my thoughts and feelings is the nature of the allegations. From the information I have seen so far, this is not one of those “yoga teacher has affair with student” type of allegations that is just a platform for whiney moralists to out their Victorian ethics and start quoting sutra-s and out-dated concepts they don’t even understand just so they can feel important/superior. From everything I’ve heard about this situation, from all the information I have about it, this particular scandal is about behaviour that amounts to actual physical sexual abuse which has led to serious criminal allegations and subsequent investigations by the police.

My bottom line with that is simple - no matter how good a friend you are or have been, if you have chosen to engage in non-consensual sexual activity then I totally, utterly, with every fibre of my being denounce what you have done.

There is no excuse, no justification at all from any valid authentic philosophy or approach to life that makes such behaviour acceptable. If what I’ve heard is true, and I have no reason to believe otherwise, then it is my unwavering position that what Kausthub has done is wrong and he deserves whatever is coming to him in terms of loss of all his privileges as a respected Yoga teacher and in terms of criminal prosecution. The most I can offer him in terms of compassion is that I hope, as someone who knows his brilliance as a teacher and witness of his potential beyond even what I have experienced of that, that he finds a way through whatever has led him to such deplorable actions and into some sort of clarity.

[I have removed this part of the blog for a couple of reasons, one being that I have been misquoted in a couple of other people's blogs from this section with people using my words out of context in order to suit their own purposes. The other is that it has become apparent to me that I misinterpreted the actions that I was commenting on, and so what I wrote was incorrect.]

At a personal level, I am deeply saddened by these events, far beyond what I am showing here. I hope that everyone affected can now begin to get the help they need, especially the direct victims, and move on with as little suffering as possible. I desperately hope that this strong, useful Yoga tradition won’t go down the toilet, but I guess that depends on those who are still manning that ship. Best of luck to them, they will need it in the coming storm.

A Path from Suffering

2012-07-29T11:05:00.001+00:00

lead me to the light..
Originally uploaded by Ray Wise.

That gnawing feeling you get, that aching restlessness - the need to do things, to move on, to make life different - that is Suffering.

That's what you’ll hear referred to as duḥkha in Yoga and Buddhist circles, the underlying human condition that the Buddha referred to in the first of his Four Noble Truths. It is inherent in everyone’s life, whether you notice it or not. In fact, one of the real problems of being on an embodied spiritual path is that instead of being anaesthetised to suffering (as most folks are), instead of “feeling better”, there can be a really long phase where your embodied presence means you REALLY feel it like never before.

Times like this can be difficult and confusing. I mean, the aim of such paths is to reduce (or remove) suffering, and there you are apparently suffering more than those around you who aren’t putting in the effort that you are in your practice. (I do say “apparently” because it’s not really so, such people are suffering just as much, they’re just not so aware of it and therefore don’t have the impetus to move towards freedom). But there in the thick of it, in that clawing dark cloud of doubt it can feel quite lonely. It can feel like you’re the only person suffering in the world, and the suffering can take you over, it really can swallow you up at times.

Given that, what can we do?

Well we can turn outside and seek comfort. This is our normal pattern - we find something else to do, we distract ourselves, find something that will swamp the senses enough that we cannot feel that underlying current. We watch exciting TV, drink alcohol or take recreational drugs, have sex, take up a hobby... and these are just the less destructive things we do. We can also take out our frustrations on those who are closest, start an argument over nothing, skulk about huffing and puffing over how things aren’t going our way, spread the misery or make someone else’s life worse than us so we feel better. We find people, enablers, who can give us these things (drinking buddies to share oblivion with, mother/father-figures to console) and help us keep our habits in place. We become reliant on these external factors to meet our needs, to placate our suffering.

And that's ok, sometimes we need to rest in that. But in the long term it is better to learn to use our own resources, because we cannot always be sure to have these external resources to help us - and even if we could (an endless supply of heroin or alcohol, that special person with us 24/7/365) we grow immune to its effects, we need more and more and it satisfies us less and less, until we’re right back at the beginning again. This type of refuge is a false one, it may be a safe place to shelter for a while but eventually when the bigger storms hit it will be blown away.

So in what way can we find true refuge? If we think about it, we need something that is sustainable and ever-present. We need our true self, whole and fully functioning. What we really need is to learn how to adapt our own mental-emotional processes to better cope with situations, in a new way that is beyond our current habits. We can learn to go in, to make changes on the inside - to find compassion for ourselves and the difficulties of our suffering, learn how to nurture ourselves so that we don’t need to find solace in other people or external events or substances, discover the ways in which we can give love to the part of us that is suffering.

While the real solution lies in changing your inner world, getting help from someone else isn’t a problem in itself. It may be that the suffering seems too strong at that time to begin so directly - often people are wise enough to know that they need to make internal changes, but in the midst of such a battlefield it is an overwhelming thought that we need to find more strength, more courage, and simply do it for ourselves. So is there really no role for “other people” in this innermost path of transformation?

Of course there is a middle path to tread between total (excluding others) independence and absolute (helpless) dependence. By treading the line of interdependence with skill, we can definitely help each other. On that path we can receive compassion from other loving, caring beings in order to help us find that in ourselves. It is like being in a dark room and going outside to find the doorway in - once you've done that you know where the door is and can find it again. So although we need to do that hard work of changing habits “on our own,” it can be pretty destructive in the depths of our misery if someone we turn to says (however truthfully), "I can't do anything for you, you need to do this for yourself." It is just as useless for that person to play superhero and just let the suffering person become dependent on their caring.

So we need to be conscious when helping someone (or when seeking help for ourselves) out of suffering that we don’t let them drift into needy dependence - the truly caring thing to do is to let them rest a while, and then help them find that place of caring interdependence that leads them to wholeness again. It is with an attitude of, "Hey you're suffering, let me help you. Rest in my love a while and from that let me help you find a way in to love yourself."

That, I feel, is truly skillful means; that is compassion in action.

Pure as the Driven Snow

2012-07-22T12:24:00.001+00:00

Week 11/52: Pure snow, pure heart
Originally uploaded by ilovestrawberries (Carmi).

I hate purity.

In Yoga circles, and in wider “holistic” arena, you hear and read again and again about matters related to purity - purification practices, becoming pure, removing impurities, detoxifying... pure, pure, pure ad infinitum.

Sounds perfect, huh? And what could be wrong with that. If our bodies or minds (or spirits) have something impure in them, we want rid of that, right? I mean who wants to walk about knowing there are impurities - we really then should be doing something about it?

I’m not so sure I have a problem with purity in itself. Understanding the idea of purity, I have pondered how I would react if I met a “pure” being - I mean some sage-like person such as Ramana Maharshi or Amma or that ilk. To be honest I think that would be amazing and I’d feel blessed to have that experience, probably find it life-changing in so many ways.

But the idea of pursuing purification really noises me up. Why? Because it seems so judgemental, like someone has set a standard that we must attain, like there’s work to be done, like we are not perfect exactly as we are. People often use this attitude in order to sell you stuff. Look at the whole “Detox” industry of diet plans and vitamin sales.They are all trying to sell you something, an add-on to your life, and make their sale on the basis that you’re not “pure” enough as you are.

Let me give you a little insight that I have after so many years of study of this body and mind - your entire being is just one big detoxifier. That’s what every system in your body does, it detoxifies - your mind, your body, your spirit.

Okay, that’s a given, but we all need nutrients to keep us going and help the body too. And we do need to do things in our live, to take actions, that help this process rather than hindering it. So my reaction cannot be just the fact that people are selling stuff that may (or may not) help the process. Perhaps it is just an aversion to the “magic pill” idea that the advertising of these detox diets and purification practices push, that we do this and everything will be alright.

Part of the problem is that in many ways I have come to see purity as boring. The people who tend to engage in it do tend to be the “love and light and peace and happiness” (LALAPAH) brigade who desperately avoid the shadow and find everything in life to be happy-clappy. A lovely world of nice people and rainbows and unicorns does not sound so attractive to me. Maybe I dwell too much in the shadow realms, but that kind of “nice” attitude to life makes me want to hurl, it seems so deluded and ignorant of the fact that every light casts a shadow.

Closer to the truth, the idea of purity seems to gnaw on my sense that actually, underneath it all, everything IS alright anyway. An idea that is easy to write and say, much harder to experience and even more difficult to live! Note that I’m not saying we shouldn’t take action to make things better, but that we should start from a position of radical self-acceptance, and from the clarity of that stance we can make decisions and act.

You see the whole “purity” thing seems to me to be just another expression of a good friend of mine that I like to call “not-good-enough.” Or maybe that is just the way that most of us pursue it, as something to be “done”, use it as a stick to beat ourselves with. The idea that we need to make ourselves pure, perfect, just doesn’t sit well with me.

And yet I work in the transformational field, which (by definition) revolves around practices and teachings that undoubtedly aim to make changes - and if those changes are positive, then isn’t what I am doing really all about purity too? Here I would quickly say no - I am nothing to do with purity in any way. I couldn’t care less if you are pure or not. In fact I seem to really like “impure” people (and thoughts and deeds). I want your faults and your flaws, those skeletons hidden in your closet. I don't trust people who seem to have no shades lurking in their subconscious. Perhaps it is that the very idea of purity seems to me to be an external standard that is by and large irrelevant in life unless we want to have a measure against which to fail (or more often, against which to chastise others for failing and make ourselves feel better in the process).

So what kind of changes do I look towards in my practice? Still a concept, but I would say that I work towards, and would love to help others towards, a sense of wholeness. Wholeness is not perfect, it is not pure, it is just exactly what you are - it is all that you can be and all that you will ever be. It is an integration and acceptance of what we often see as fragmented and dissonant parts that make up our being. A sense or a feeling of wholeness is all we ever need. It is the knowing (not knowledge) that we are authentic, and that this unique being, despite also being composed of “the same rotting organic matter as everything else” has its place in this wonderful existence. It is a sense of belonging that comes from dropping away concepts of something to do or somewhere to go. This is a truly holistic approach.

So you can keep your purity and give me all your shadow, though I don’t think you’ll getting the best of that deal. I will take that shadow and eat it for breakfast, absorb it (along with its corresponding light) as part of my whole. Or at least I will try, because you see although I am good enough I am not quite perfect...

“Calling out to hungry hearts.
Everywhere through endless time.
You who wander you who thirst.
I offer you this heart of mine.
Calling all you hungry spirits.
Everywhere through endless time.
Calling all you hungry hearts
All the lost and left behind
Gather round and share this meal
Your joy and sorrow
I make it mine.”

The Gate of Sweet Nectar by Krishna Das

The Great Perfection

2012-07-18T09:49:00.001+00:00

Suicide Rainbow
Originally uploaded by ▲D A M R O W N E Y.

Perfection is an external ideal, a mental construct based on conditioning and excessively high (often impossible) expectations. It often involves concepts such as purity and moralistic judgements, leading to "purification practices" and striving to be "good enough." Perfection is not attainable.

Wholeness, on the other hand, is an internal matter. It is about reorganising what you already have, clarifying who you really are, into a space in which you can live comfortably, happily, without adding that extra dose of suffering. It involves more subtle practices such as sitting, watching, feeling your way into the body, breath and mind, to discover who you really are beneath the usual quagmire of neurotic thoughts and wild emotions. It takes hard work, harder actually than the externally focused work of perfection.

And it takes longer. But it is real, and it has solid ground underfoot. The bottom line is you will never be "perfect" but you can be whole.

In Tibetan Buddhism they refer to Dzogpa Chenpo, the Great Perfection. I feel one interpretation of this is that instead of the minor perfection we seek, there is a Greater view that shows us that simply by residing input true nature, our original state, things are perfect just as they are. Again this needs to be realised experientially, merely knowing the theory and agreeing with it just doesn't cut it.

So it's up to you what you want - minor "perfection" or the real, true perfection of wholeness. Choose well...

Business for Sale

2012-07-13T11:12:00.001+00:00

Cash Money
Originally uploaded by nathangibbs.

Over the past 6 years I have built up a self-employed sole trader business from scratch. I took the time and the risks, did the marketing work, built and maintained the website, brought in the customers, established goodwill and word of mouth, invested my savings and suffered the losses that come with any new business for the first few years. And I finally have a steady income-generating business that not only makes money, but has great growth potential for making more.

Thing is, I’m looking to move over to the other side of the country to move in with my girlfriend. So it is time for me to move on and start my business up afresh in a new location. Time to go through the cycle of risk and losses again - time to do the hard work of website building and search engine optimisation, finding business locations, building up a customer base and finally reaching the point of profit, all in the middle of a pretty horrible recession.

But since I have an existing business to sell, one that will make the new owner money right from the outset, I should be able to sell that business, right?

Well it would be correct in most any other circumstance other than selling a Yoga business. Reactions so far to my plans to sell up and move on have been interesting to say the least. And I offer this without judgement, largely because I can see why people in Yoga circles act this way, and there’s no real “blame.”

The general reaction seems to be that Yoga teachers are very interested in taking on existing classes, more than happy to slot right in and take the money every week - so long as it doesn’t cost them anything in return. There is an expectation in Yoga circles that when you take over someone’s class, they just give it to you. So my background efforts to sell on my Yoga business so far have been met with interest right up to the point here I mention the (very reasonable, unbelievably ridiculously small) amount I’m looking for in return.

So why is this?

Well, my first observation is that this is just the way things have been for a very long time in Yoga circles - so it's the habit, the "industry standard" way of doing things. Until this century turned, UK yoga teachers have mostly run classes on an amateur hobby basis - please note that I am here referring to how they run the business side, and not what goes on during the class. Most teachers have taught one or two classes a week, part-time whilst holding down another job or jobs that actually pay the rent. So if they move away they find someone to take over their classes as a duty to their loyal students (a consideration for me too, I wouldn’t want just anyone taking over my classes for sure) - but since they never thought of the classes as a business, they don’t consider taking any payment for the income-generating enterprise they built up over the years.

The next thing I see is that most Yoga teachers are not business-minded. Their work and life experience has given them a different viewpoint, so even if they get the calling to teach full-time, they are incapable of making the non-Yoga decisions of marketing and finance on a business basis that are so necessary to make a sustained income in this difficult arena. So when a decision comes to invest, it is often made on an erroneous basis (i.e. something other than profit), or with a short-term attitude of “that’s going to cost me money now” where a clear insight of “this is an investment now that will pay out in a sustainable way in the future”. This is why so many people, who are great Yoga teachers, fail in their endeavours to make a living from it.

Of course I’m not promoting heartless Gordon Gecko-style commercialism - there’s a balance point that can be reached with a grounded awareness of financial methodology. That’s a grandiose way of saying it’s possible to do the right thing without losing money hand over fist. You can keep your integrity, follow the Yama-s and Niyama-s AND earn enough money to make a living from Yoga. In fact consider this - if a class makes a financial loss, it is not sustainable (unless you’re very rich or have external funding), and so it will stop running, and any good that you could have done DURING the class cannot occur. Taking it further, if you get the financial mix right it can also allow you some space to give discounts or freebies to those who are less able to pay.

These experiences have got me thinking more broadly about Yoga and business, and ultimately, its relationship with money, which seems often to be an uncomfortable one. People often hark back to Yoga teachers in India who never charged money for their teachings, but as my teacher pointed out EVERY Yoga teacher throughout history has been supported by his students. In the past it was done by the student begging for his teacher, or by the support of rich patrons. It is simply that nowadays, as modern Yoga teachers in a modern world where begging and charity for Yoga causes are not supported, the means of students supporting their teacher, of showing the value of their efforts, is with their own hard-earned money.

Unfortunately the romanticism of a noble age where Yoga is “free” persists, and taints the onward evolution of Yoga for some. There is nothing wrong, nothing inherently “wrong” in an organisation or individual being well resourced, or in them charging their value in return for their services (and so many Yoga teachers under-value themselves and what they do). I think that by and large this has been overcome in places like the USA, and since we seem to follow them a few decades behind, hopefully this attitude is changing.

Actually I’m pretty sure it is changing, as we see places like England full of professionally run, well-equipped studios that are an amazing resource for professional teachers to do their work. And even in Scotland a number of brave souls have taken the risk to start up studios or to give over their lives to teaching Yoga as their main income. It’s often a hard path, not the glamorous life of the Bikram Choudry’s and Shiva Rea’s of this world when you’re scrubbing studio toilets or sitting for weeks facing a class of one person knowing that you don’t have enough money to pay the rent. (To be fair, I’m sure at some point Bikram and Shiva did the hard work too.) I take my hat off in salute to everyone in Scotland (and elsewhere) who journeys this way.

So I guess after this rambling (hopefully not ranting) I come to my point, and that is to remain aware of honouring the value of those Yoga teachers who take the risks. If you’re still reading, I realise I am probably preaching to the converted at this point, so forgive me for pointing out the obvious. But if not, I guess I would ask you to reflect on the way that the money you give your Yoga teacher is actually an honouring of what they have done to keep the Yoga tradition alive and evolving. It is only by continuing to honour them in this way that this thing we value so much, this Yoga of ours, can flourish and you have our thanks for doing so.

And for us who are teachers, please do not undervalue what you give. I remember when I first started teaching I physically refused to handle cash until my students had left the room, which was just plain silly. I still sometimes feel awkward asking for money when someone forgets to pay and are leaving class, or when someone asks how much I charge. We need to move beyond this and realise that money is an essential mechanism of sustaining Yoga classes, whether it is the money we receive from students or the money we pay to rent halls or invest in new classes in whatever way we need to. Every pound earned or paid is in the service of Yoga, of helping people, so we should be proud to do so.

PS Yoga business for sale in Ayrshire, Scotland - one careful honour, full karmic interior, finance terms available, just drop me an email via www.exploreyoga.co.uk ;-)

A Gateway to Self Compassion

2012-07-03T09:42:00.001+00:00

Bodhisattva
Originally uploaded by h.koppdelaney.

Lately my focus has turned to Self Compassion, largely on account of my lack of it. I wouldn't say that I am driven, not a particularly ambitious person, but I do have an inner critic who is very much a perfectionist, and who likes to criticise both myself and others. I've been pretty sick of that for some time and looking for ways to change it.

Threats and force (mental of course) just don't work as it's like a Gollum-Smeagol situation - threatening or acting forcefully against a part of yourself is an action that perpetuates self-criticism. Even loving those parts doesn't seem to work, as their ingrained habits take advantage and persist.

I asked Annu what to do, and she showed me that I have very little compassion for myself, and that seems to be exactly what I need. And so I began to look into this interesting area, which has always struck me as gushy sentimental nonsense. Luckily I found the work of Tara Brach, which quickly showed me that it is not, it is in fact a sold, logical basis from which to live an authentic life.

And still it is difficult to change the habits of a lifetime. I've always wondered where my lack of compassion came from, where the source of my resulting (as I see it now) negative world view and my journeys through anxiety and depression. I've not had the trauma or difficulties that many experience through life, so it's been a puzzle.

So I asked the Universe to show me my gateway to compassion, and on Sunday night I had a "dream".

In this dream I was very anxious, like my daily anxiety levels ramped up a thousand times, feeling edgy in every fibre of my body. I sank deeper into that anxiety and began to look for its source, and suddenly became a 10-year old me, lying wrought with anxiety and worries over what the world would bring. I went back to the time I first realised death and started thinking of the future. I had so many questions, minor questions about things i didn't know how to do - how do taxes work, how do you learn all the stuff you need to know in life? There was much more to this time, but the element i had forgotten was this feeling that started then of me not knowing, not being good enough, not having what it takes to get by...

As I watched this ten-year old me suffer and writhe, I felt his confusion and fear, and a massive sense that nobody understood, that nobody could help. And with a smile I realised that I could help, so I reached out and held him, took him in my arms and told him that everything was going to be alright. I told him that he would learn these things gradually, that he didn't need to know them right now but they would come. I told him that he was enough, that he was good enough, and if he needed help or to know anything then just to ask me.

I've often wished I could travel back in time and tell myself how to do things, give myself advice. Of course I can't do that literally, but here is an amazing doorway to help those fragmented parts of my deep mind heal and move on - the ability to go back in my deep conscious, and rewrite history for the better. It's not delusion, it's not as if I actually think that happened historically. It's happening in my mind, a softening of embedded concepts that helps me to free up and open my way of approaching life.

This is my gateway to self compassion that opens up a path back to wholeness.

Light Blue Touchpaper

2012-04-01T15:03:00.001+00:00

#190-365 ~ LOVERBOY
Originally uploaded by Julian Holtom Photography.

My emotional reactivity has really been coming to the fore of late. It’s not very pleasant for many around me, and the closer you are the worse it is. It’s also not an enjoyable ride for me, and I’m sure those reading will realise I’m using understatement strongly here. And when I say “lately” I probably mean that I’ve been difficult to be around for the last 42 years or so.

I’m not seeing many looks of surprise from those who know me...

Working with these habits of reactivity is very tough territory, and to be honest I haven’t really made much impact on them. Very little has made much effect, though I have found sitting in Zazen helps. But it is such a long term practice in that way, I’d probably need another 42 years to make an impact. To be honest, while I accept that I am as I am, I also need to be making changes not only for my own sake but for those I love and care about.

So far I’ve not put in any directed, concerted effort to this specific area, apart from my Zazen practice. Sure, Yoga can help ease off the symptoms and relax, and probably has made some changes, but there’s still a strongly reactive undercurrent to my emotional life that leaves me in meltdown city all to often for sure.

So what to do about it? Acceptance is an important aspect, that’s for sure. After all without the basic recognition of where you are, and an acceptance that this is your starting point, how can you even begin to make strong positive changes? I think I got to that point today in talking with my beloved, an acceptance that this is the way I am and it is not very helpful. So I decided to change my emotional reactivity, set my intention and it was pretty amazing how quickly and how strongly I got help.

I put the phone down and turned to my desk to see a book I bought about 2 years ago, “Emotions Revealed” by psychologist Paul Ekman. I bought this out of interest in a TV series “Lie to Me” starring Tim Roth, which is about a “human lie detector’ and his work. The idea for the lead character is based on the work of Paul Ekman in researching human emotions and specially the use of micr-expressions to tell what emotions a person is experiencing. I bought it, and never got round to reading it but for some reason the other week I found it again and sat it out at my computer. Funny how things work, huh?

So I pick it up and start reading, having a look at the chapter on “Behaving Emotionally.” Now this is hardly a self-help book, it’s all about Dr. Ekman’s research, but he does go in to why we get emotional and how to change the impact our emotions have on our actions, so there was a lot to help. His key point is that we can do so only by getting ot know ourselves better.

He talks of emotional events having a “refractory period”, being a period of time during which we are caught up so deep in emotion that we cannot assimilate any information that contradicts it. So I get angry because I think someone is being disrespectful, but during the refractory period even if that person were to explain the valid reasons for their lateness it would be of no use. I have a lot of experience of this, a period where I just cannot listen to other people’s reasons and explanations (as it feels more like “excuses”). This is important to know as I often feel guilty when I get stuck in emotions then afterwards realise I was being “unreasonable” in not accepting valid explanations. I guess though an apology might still be in order in such circumstances.

He also speaks of the programs and scripts we have to deal with our emotions, some of which are closed (unable to be changed) and some open. The closed ones though he believes can be managed, and are usually found in animals (e.g. survival instincts). The open ones can be changed, albeit with a lot of hard work.

it is really great that his first step in changing emotions is attentiveness, a word he describes as being the same as mindfulness but he chooses not to use that word because of tis other associations. Dr. Ekman does say that he believes meditation practice can be a good way to improve attentiveness, but this can take a long time to take effect. He also states that reviewing emotional situations after they happened gives us great insight. He feels practice at attentiveness makes emotional control easier over time, but also points out that many external factors (e.g. intensity of experience, new emotional scripts, tiredness, physical pain, etc) can make it impossible to even be attentive in the first place. I guess we need a lot of compassion for ourselves (and others) in this respect.

He sees two ways to change our emotional behaviour once we have achieved attentiveness. First we can reappraise our response to those emotions, and if we find it was inappropriate we choose to change it. Second we can choose to interrupt the course even if we still feel it was appropriate in order to choose how we act. This leaves me a bit uncomfortable as I think one of my worries in this area would be repression, or even just becoming emotionally cold, so I need to think this one over for a bit. Still, I can see that what he is offering here is a framework for choice - that is, you can still choose to have an emotional response if that seems appropriate, or you can choose to go another route.

But how do we do this? It is very important to get to know your emotional triggers - the kind of events that set off one or another of our emotions - and the underlying causes of them. In his case he cites a feeling of abandonment by his mother died when he was 14 years old as a major trigger in his daily life. So anything that reminds him of this feeling of abandonment tends to trigger off strong emotions. Luckily he feels that these can be managed to some extent, both by anticipating situations in which they will arise and learning to deal with them when they arise without and prior preparation.

Also he looks at how we should consider what we know about the other people involved in the situation. If we know that someone doesn’t like telephones for example, we can take that into account in advance and not have such high expectations of them phoning. This is an area of work in itself, especially if you are an idealist/perfectionist and want everyone to go to the beat of your drum, but that’s another story.

As a tool for gaining knowledge about our emotions he recommends keeping an emotional diary, particularly journalling the times when we were very successful and very unsuccessful in managing our emotions.

So I am going to seriously read the rest of the book (that’s just gleaned form one chapter) and do some practice. I’ve avoided such approaches in the past as feeling too clinical and repressive, but I feel it is worth some effort. I’m sure I’ll let you know how that goes.

En·gage·ment

2012-03-18T11:42:00.001+00:00

She Came From Above
Originally uploaded by Ryan Brenizer.

en·gage [en-geyj] -gaged, -gag·ing.

1. to occupy the attention or efforts of (a person or persons): He engaged her in conversation.

2. to secure for aid, employment, use, etc.; hire: to engage a worker; to engage a room.

3. to attract and hold fast: The novel engaged her attention and interest.

4. to attract or please: His good nature engages everyone.

5. to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath; make liable: He engaged himself to repay his debt within a month.

Isn't it interesting when you look into the real core meaning behind a word that has a common (and IMO lesser) meaning... being engaged with your partner in this sense is FAR more important to me than the watered down social ritual... It's really ALL about the attention!

I also like something David Whyte said about such engagement (attentional, not marital)... essentially that if you don't bring your ball out with you (i.e. your full attention), don't be surprised if the universe doesn't want to play with you.

Engage engage engage!

Emptying the Cup

2012-03-08T08:10:00.001+00:00

Overflow 107/365
Originally uploaded by Blue Square Thing.

Most of us know the story of the Zen master and the new student who comes to him loaded with ideas and concepts of how things will be. As the student talks and talks the Zen master pours tea into his cup... And keeps pouring and pouring... Eventually the student notices that the cup is overflowing and still the master keeps on pouring.

"What are you doing?!" he cries out. "That cup is full, it cannot take in any more."

The Zen master stops and looks at him.

"You are like this cup, filled up with all these things you think that you know. You have no room for the Truth until you empty your cup to receive it. Come back to me when you have emptied your cup."

This struck me very strongly today. I also see it so clearly now in others about me. We want something but are still (often desperately) clinging to the very thing that obstructs us getting what we want. We cannot fill our cup with tea while it still has water in it. Well we can, but what we get will be watered down and so very unsatisfactory.

I find myself at a real tipping point in my life. I have exactly what I want right in front of me. But in order to reach out and embrace it, I need to let go of everything I've been holding on to already. It is a scary place. There is comfort in having your hands full of something, even if it is the wrong thing, but this transition demands that I let go of my "stuff" and start from a place of emptiness.

It will take faith to do this - real pure faith. And I mean faith here, not "belief," as in knowing that things are this way or that way, that the outcome is certain. The outcome is uncertain. I may not get what I want. Somewhere in between letting go of the past and reaching out for the future I may stumble (or be pushed) and end up tumbling down.

This kind of faith cannot really be about reaching the point of "mission achieved". The faith I'm talking of is much broader, a wider sense of knowing that if you set your sights and take the courageous first step forward, life will take you exactly where you need to go. Maybe not to the destination you've set your sights upon -maybe to a land of heartbreak and disappointment instead of joy and fulfilment. But nonetheless you will find yourself exactly where you need to be.

And it all begins with a choice, with the decision to do just that. It all begins with your intention. You can choose not to do that and wallow in places like "not ready yet" or "don't believe it will work". You can dwell in the murky swamp of "that's not my experience in life" as I often do. And if you choose to do that then you will get exactly what you paid for - absolutely nothing of value. If you refuse to bring your ball to the Universe, don't be surprised when it doesn't want to play with you.

Funny thing is I know this. It's just a re-membering, a re-affirmation of a Truth already learned. But obviously I need reminding. And this to me is Tantra, having the faith to just immerse yourself in the new incarnation that life brings you every day, even if it means feeling vulnerable, afraid and uncertain for a while and having to put in hard, fiery emotional work to make the transformations and reincarnate in a different form. This is what I choose over stagnancy and fear.

Do you remember now too? Will you have the faith and courage to empty your cup and receive a new cup, to engage in its possibilities and see where it will take you? Dare to live that life, travel that journey, make those changes.

(Falling) To Pieces

2012-02-17T12:48:00.001+00:00

Day 349
Originally uploaded by Arjunaweeping.

That thing you want...

You know the one - just can't quite put your finger on it, but you know it's there, just out of reach. All your life you've had this feeling like inside of you there's a missing piece to your jigsaw. You feel that hole, that dark empty gap, and so long to fill it that the rest of your body aches.

So you look outside for the thing that will fill that hole... for a lover, a purpose, a god... for Love. And instead you find despair, for everything, no matter what you take in, no matter how you spin it, seems to slot perfectly into that crazy little jigsaw space.

Want to know why?

Truth is that all of these things can help you find it, but none of them are it. Because IT is inside of you. What you're looking for is inside of you, and has been all along. That is why nothing outside will satisfy you.

But it's an elusive piece, and you need to be very quiet and very patient to get a good hold on it. You need to be quiet and listen in closely, hear its tiny rattlings as it patters about in your deepest recesses. You need to be delicate as you reach out to it, if you grasp strongly it will slip through your fingers. Treat it like a cat, just focus in and set your intuition to receive it. As you wait it will come to you, and you can slide it gently into place in your life.

And it will stay for as long as you hold it gently, with loose reins. When they tighten, it will pop out again. But you know what to do, and as soon as you loosen up, open out, focus in, you can have it again.

It belongs to you. You are complete. There is nothing more you need.

The Faces at Braga

2011-12-16T11:46:00.001+00:00

inner peace..
Originally uploaded by PNike.

In monastery darkness
by the light of one flashlight
the old shrine room waits in silence

While above the door
we see the terrible figure,
fierce eyes demanding, "Will you step through?"

And the old monk leads us,
bent back nudging blackness
prayer beads in the hand that beckons.

We light the butter lamps
and bow, eyes blinking in the
pungent smoke, look up without a word,

see faces in meditation,
a hundred faces carved above,
eye lines wrinkled in the hand held light.

Such love in solid wood!
Taken from the hillsides and carved in silence
they have the vibrant stillness of those who made them.

Engulfed by the past
they have been neglected, but through
smoke and darkness they are like the flowers

we have seen growing
through the dust of eroded slopes,
then slowly opening faces turned toward the mountain.

Carved in devotion
their eyes have softened through age
and their mouths curve through delight of the carver's hand.

If only our own faces
would allow the invisible carver's hand
to bring the deep grain of love to the surface.

If only we knew
as the carver knew, how the flaws
in the wood led his searching chisel to the very core,

we would smile, too
and not need faces immobilized
by fear and the weight of things undone.

When we fight with our failing
we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself
and wrestle with the guardian, fierce figure on the side of good.

And as we fight
our eyes are hooded with grief
and our mouths are dry with pain.

If only we could give ourselves
to the blows of the carver's hands,
the lines in our faces would be the trace lines of rivers

feeding the sea
where voices meet, praising the features
of the mountain and the cloud and the sky.

Our faces would fall away
until we, growing younger toward death
every day, would gather all our flaws in celebration

to merge with them perfectly,
impossibly, wedded to our essence,
full of silence from the carver's hands.

David Whyte, Where Many Rivers Meet

Like Gathering Storm

2011-11-23T14:07:00.001+00:00

Paige Melanson at Healing Hands Massage in Seoul
Originally uploaded by Buddha baby.

After many years in and around the "spiritual/holistic zone" in Ayrshire, I have come to a definite conclusion – there is no such thing. There is no strong network or community of like-minded souls in this neck of the woods at all. Go to Edinburgh or Glasgow and you’ll see regular events hosted locally with people really putting effort into maintaining communities and groups and working hard to keep them going. (That’s not to say Ayrshire folks aren’t doing so, it’s just we seem to need to go to Glasgow in order to find a crowd with similar drive and interests).

I realised this 2 years ago, and wanted to do something about it. So I got to work and opened StillPoint Holistic Therapy Centre, hoping that would be a focal point for spiritual and holistic practitioners in Ayrshire to work from in developing what should be a thriving community.
To be blunt, despite all my hard work, that really hasn’t gone so well. The current recession has been part of the problem, but even more so I have found the problem lies in the therapists and teachers who say they want to work as teachers or healers in their chosen modalities but then either lack the business skills or simply don’t put in enough effort to make their businesses work.

So what’s the solution? Well, first option is to give up and let it evolve on its own (if ever). I have seriously considered this, but I’m not the giving up type.

So maybe a change of tactics is required. So far I have tried to let people come together and do their own thing, but then they tend to just wander off aimlessly still doing their own thing. Perhaps this little flotilla of therapists and teachers needs an Admiral to give direction and turn them into a fleet.

Am I that Admiral? Well I really hate the egotistical way that it may sound, but let’s have a look at how it lies objectively. First, I have a big boat – I have almost unfettered access to a venue that we can use to get our efforts together for either zero or (preferably) minimal cost. To clarify that situation, it costs me a fortune to run the Centre and I do have costs, but I am looking to create a community here and so long as that’s happening I can do all this without looking to be earning full business rates.

Second, I survived working full-time as a yoga teacher for over 5 years in Ayrshire. That’s no mean feat, it wasn’t easy. It still amazes me that people ignore the advice I give them to help them with their business – I’m no Donald Trump but the advice I give isn’t complicated – little gems like getting a website or using PayPal buttons are very simple to do, take little time, and bring clients in. So I know I can be of help to people in their own businesses and in creating a community that will bring clients to us all.

On the downside, we need to consider what I can’t do. I cannot do it all. I don’t have time to do this on my own. I probably don’t have the energy either. I need the help of other like-minded people with the drive to succeed. Open-minded and open-hearted people who want to create something for Ayrshire that is beyond our lesser selves.

So I am asking those of you who live in and around Ayrshire, are you up to that? Are you up to the challenge? Will you stand with me and try to create something good for our area?

Join in with these efforts on the Facebook page for the Ayrshire Holistic Community or email me at scott@exploreyoga.co.uk, but only if you are a do-er rather than a dream-er <3

Come Up Smelling of Roses

2011-11-10T23:33:00.001+00:00

Vinayagar Chaturthi Helps Us Realize The Unity Of All Life. It Teaches Us To Drop Off Our Ego-Centric, Individualism For God-Centered Universalism.
Originally uploaded by JourneyToNoWhere.

"Just as the trunk of an ordinary tree
Lying in the forests of the Malaya mountains
Absorbs the perfume of sandal from the moist leaves and branches,
So you come to resemble whomever you follow."
Patrul Rinpoche

I have had a difficult decision on my mind for a couple of years now (one among many). I read this quote this morning and it has clarified matters for me. If I don't get up and move on I will begin to smell of sandalwood too. It is time to leave the forest...

PS I actually like the smell of sandalwood, this is purely metaphorical ;-)

A letter to my self

2011-10-28T09:02:00.001+00:00

Be More Human / Mehr Mensch Sein
Originally uploaded by an untrained eye.

Dear Scott

I am writing this to me as a reminder of something that I have just learned.

I am writing it after a very intense meltdown where I let mind stuff wreak havoc in my life when there was nothing actually wrong. I am writing in full knowledge that this will probably happen again, and that I will at that time be totally unable to remember these lessons, and will create more wreckage as I do so. I am writing this in the hope that at such times I will read this letter, or be prompted by those dear to me to read it when the you or I realise I am back there again. I am writing in the hope that when Ire-visit these lessons it will short-cut my process and limit the suffering I cause to others and to my self.

You are caught up in a big maelstrom of thoughts right now. Thoughts have no substance, and they do not equate to reality, not matter how real they may seem. They may have some truth in them, but they are not “The Truth” no matter how powerful they may seem. That in itself does not help, but it is a good starting point to bring clear, conscious awareness to this delusion you are immersed in right now.

Other people have their own delusions, and you may end up in a huge reactive cycle based upon this interplay between conflicting viewpoints. They are not wrong, but neither are you. It is just a viewpoint, like when one person views the moon with the naked eye and another looks at it through a telescope. They see different things. These views can conflict, and there is no resolution to that discord. But you can choose not to enter into such a downward spiral with them. It really is a good idea to step away from it and find some space. You don’t need to give up your viewpoint or give in as you do it. Just make the clear conscious choice to stop feeding the destructive interaction between you and them, and find some clarity.

Not easy, by the way. Very, very difficult. But you are strong. And beautiful, and intelligent and all those things you sometimes worry you are not. You will survive, in fact if you make choices with clarity and not the befuddled mind you have right now, you will transform the situation and prosper – be stronger, wiser and more clear than before. This is a choice you make and then you do it.

How do you do it? Well first of all, don’t look for ways to do it outside of yourself. You must look in. Find the fear and suffering that is plaguing you, the doubts, and face them head on. Do deeper in. Only that way can you come through the other side. Don’t be afraid. These are thoughts, they have no substance and they have no power over you. You just sometimes forget that, in fact, it is you who has power over them! But now you remember, and so now you can return to being their master and not their slave.

Take some time and sit. Alone, still, be quiet and go in. Take the suffering and pain and let it burn you. These are just emotions and they will pass. When they do, there will be no damage and the suffering will be gone. IT IS NOT REAL!

Now in the time you have been going through this process before you found your way back in, you may have let your suffering out and inflicted it upon other people. How they react to that is not really your problem, but show some compassion and take responsibility for your part in being the stimulus to their own suffering. Be open and express what you were going through to the other person. Let your vulnerability shine out and take whatever they throw back at you, open-hearted, and help them to see past their own suffering.

You have done some damage and while it may not even be able to be repaired, you can at least express regret at the effects of what you did – even though you know you had to go through that process, you can acknowledge that you didn’t mean to harm anyone. You can tell them how you have evolved and how you will be making efforts not to do the same again. You can help them to evolve into forgiving you. Anyone who cannot, who closes down to you, well that is not your fault. Just keep loving them the way you do and see what happens.

It is time to move onwards and evolve. If you have any lingering feelings of being done wrong to, then choose forgiveness for that person. Make it a choice not to have whatever slight you feel they incurred bother you at any moment for the rest of your life. Let go of the negative stuff, this is renunciation – we don’t need to renounce the good stuff, but it really helps to renounce the stuff that is hurtful and causes more damage in our lives.

You are not perfect. You will make mistakes, you may even make this one again. You deserve forgiveness and a chance to grow. Be strong and hold out for that, at the same time letting go of any worries or fears about what might happen.
Just let it go!

So that’s it really. Go inside, suffer your way to clarity, sort out any damage you have done and let go of any negative feelings over what happened in this petty (in the grand scheme of things) meltdown. Forgive and leave space to be forgiven.

You are actually amazing. You have changed so much from this, and will evolve even more to become such a wonderful, compassionate being who can help others. Never forget it.

All my love,

Scott

I am NOT a Yogi

2011-10-19T21:58:00.001+00:00

the ice musician
Originally uploaded by aziouezmazouz.

I am a Yogi.
I am not a Yogi.
I am a both a Yogi and a not-Yogi.
I am neither a Yogi nor a not-Yogi.

At the point where you can reconcile these four statements and hold them all equally valid at the same time without contradiction, experientially and not intellectually (because they cannot be resolved intellectually)... THAT is realisation.

The Infintely Recursive Nature of Letting Go

2011-09-29T16:40:00.001+00:00

Thanksgiving Chapel- Dallas
Originally uploaded by 3dphoto.net.

Once you have let go of everything, what next? Where do you stop? Letting go of people, letting go of things... letting go of life itself, and then letting go of death... Letting go of letting go? Is that like the infinity of recursive images when you position two mirrors parallel to one another?

And then to let go of that? What happens when you reach the point where there is nothing left to let go of? You let go of that nothing? And find it is all nothing anyway... nothing and everything all at once… time to vomit it all up and begin again...

The Black Gate Opens

2011-09-26T12:00:00.001+00:00

The Winds Of Change (Storms Of Your Life)
Originally uploaded by Tomasito.!.

I set off on my Medicine Walk with my sense of anxiety and an empty belly for company, not having eaten anything in 24 hours and knowing I had another 12 at least before I would eat again. This is definitely way out of my comfort zone, and though I am used to fasting for a day, I’m certainly not used to doing so when I have so much exercise to do.

Still, I was lucky enough not to have that on my mind as I started walking. Because all night these ‘downloads’ had been plaguing me, and I had been writing down notes about them every so often, until I had filled up 4 pages of everything zooming through me. This continued as I walked and I had to stop every so often to get down more thoughts and ideas that were coming to me, again in the form of a mirror reflecting what was going on in my own life.

I walked up this track into the valley behind the bothy, pouring out my ideas onto paper, ranging from true relationship to ordinary spirituality, from fierce transformation in the grip of harsh suffering to the impatience trap of ‘trying’ to speed up spiritual evolution. All the time as I walked and wrote, the storm started gathering in around me. I turned off the path and started up the first mountain, really having little idea of exactly where I would go but trusting in my knowledge and experience of these hills over the past 20+ years. I just kept walking where it seemed like I should walk, hadn’t even brought a map as I knew I could drop off the ridge to the north any time and find my way back to a road.

As I went up the weather got worse, the wind picking up and eventually the rain started to spit. By this point I had filled another 4 pages of notes, and in fact this was the last of the paper I had brought. Just as I used up the last space in that paper, the heavens opened and the downpour began.

Up and up I trudged, to the summit of Craigencallie where I’ve stood a good few times before. The rain had now turned to hailstones, and the wind was almost at the point of being able to push me sideways. But somehow it still felt safe, having walked and climbed in much worse in winter I still felt very safe nestled in my Gore Tex jacket and salopettes. I turned towards the ridge leading to Lamachan Hill, or at least where I thought that was as I was well and truly cloud walking by this time.

I had deliberately not checked the time at this point, and continued to avoid this until I was well on my way to Lamachan. I was definitely feeling tired, not just of the effort but also of the constant thoughts streaming through my head. It had certainly eased off from my note-writing phase, but was still there and I was finding it hard to stay present and ‘connect with nature’ which seemed intent on either drowning me or lifting me up and throwing me over the cliffs. Eventually I checked the time, reckoning it must have been about 1pm which meant only 6 hours to go… I was pretty dismayed to find it wasn’t even noon yet, so interesting what a difference that one hour made to me.

So I had been walking for just 5 hours, and already was feeling really tired, and carrying the thought that I had more than that to go before I got to rest or have something to eat. Shortly after it really came to a point of putting one foot in front of the other just to make it up to the summit of Lamachan. I was actually saying to myself, like a mantra, “Just another step” over and over. I reached the summit, or it may have been a subsidiary peak, and kept on going along the ridge to the other peaks. I knew now that I’d probably have to walk all the way along to Glen Trool in order to have a journey long enough to walk until dusk. What I didn’t know was that my sense of topography was very skewed.

The walking seemed to get easier and I found a second wind. My mind had eased a little but the weather was just the same. I kept going and an hour or so later reached what seemed to be the end of the ridge. Now I have walked this route in reverse before, from Glen Trool to Loch Dee via Lamachan, though it was many years ago (maybe about 15 years). My error was in thinking that the ridge runs east to west, when in fact at the end it dips down southeast and takes you away from Glen Trool – which is relevant because at Glen Trool there’s a track that leads back to the bothy (where I’d left my sleeping bag and mat) and then back to my car. I expected to come down the hill into familiar territory, but as I got out of the clouds I realised that I wasn’t where I thought I was.

I made my way further down and stopped to rest and drink water, having a look at the land around me. I didn’t have a map but at least I’d brought my compass, and I knew if I kept heading north I’d find Glen Trool, so I checked my bearings (glad to know they were still correct even without the compass) and saw that I needed to cross through some Forestry Commission woods (thick pine forest) to a fire gap, and up that fire gap and over a ridge to what I hoped would be the track to Glen Trool.

By now I was pretty wet, the rain starting to seep in through the Gore Tex, and as I made my way down I twisted my left knee – a reminder that having had 3 knee ops on that one it was maybe a bit silly to have expected to handle such a big mountain day. I reached the forest and paused - here I was, 8 hours into a walk across Scottish mountains, injured, not having eaten for over a day, about to push my way through a dark forest where the trees blockaded my every move with their branches and drainage ditches lay like bear traps underfoot. And I had volunteered to do this… why?

And the opening lines from Dante’s Divine Comedy bounced into my head:

“In the middle of the road of my life
I awoke in the dark wood
where the true way was wholly lost.”

The metaphor for my life was amazing. Beyond feeling drained and quite battered, mentally, emotionally and physically, I began to see something else unfold. As I stood hesitating to enter the woods, I realised that I haven’t challenged myself so much, especially in terms of the physical, for many many years. And though it had been difficult, I was still there, putting one foot in front of another.

I was still going, despite being lost and knowing I had to endure several hours more effort, starting with this really impossible terrain. Yes, despite all this, I hadn’t given up, I hadn’t taken the easy path, I just kept going and could see my resolve to keep going no matter what came along. Of course I did think in my (foolish) mind that I just had to get through this forest and over the fire gap, and then it would be a walk along a track for the rest of the day, but the important thing I realised was that I truly believed in my own ability to keep going and get myself out of this situation.

So I entered the dark forest, and within a few steps plunged my right leg thigh-deep into a mossy drainage ditch, whilst simultaneous fighting off the branches that blocked my way. I hopped out of that and kept going. The rain started again and by now I was getting soaked through my waterproofs. Interesting thing about being under pine trees, they actually seem to multiply the rain rather than giving shelter!

I crossed a stream and somehow found the fire gap right where I’d expected it. And after a hard slog along its boggy length, I hurdled (okay, thrutched actually) some fallen trees that kept me back from the road at the other side.

Phew! Road – safety – long slog back to civilisation, but at least all the wilderness was done!

I thought that for a few seconds before looking around at the scenery and realising again that I wasn’t exactly where I thought I’d be. Compass check shows I am still heading north, so where in the name o’ the wee man was Glen Trool? How far south had I gone?

I followed the road and, well I’ll spare you the fine detail of the next couple of hours… let’s just say that road led to a forest and the forest got thicker and thicker, the rain kept pouring down and there was no track any more. I was twisting my ankles and jarring knees with every step as it descended steeply down, the forest floor littered with broken and off-cut branches that stabbed into me as I walked. At one point I bounced into a branch that felt like it pierced my salopettes and went into my leg. “That’s it!” I thought – lost in a forest with blood pouring out from a severed artery, even if I had a mobile signal I couldn’t guide anyone in to rescue me before I bled out. Luckily the pain was the only thing I got from that branch, it hadn’t pierced my Gore Tex armour… well the only thing aside form an extra degree of caution as I placed my feet more carefully for the next while.

Eventually this forest led to another road which went into a forest and turned into a track which… led me to where I wanted to be, at the side of Glen Trool. Part of the way along this part of the route I realised that I’d had the same song playing in my head for most of the day. Unfortunately for me I’d posted Amiel’s “Love Song” on Facebook a few days before, and the chorus was rattling through my head over and over:

“Thanks you've been fuel for thought,
Now I’m more lonely than before
But that’s okay I've just ready made another fucking love song!”

Now seriously, I don’t mean I heard it every so often. This song was on constant play for almost all the time I had been walking that day. And let’s just say it was really starting to grind! I brought out Krishna Das and got into some serious Om Namah Shivaya to try to drive that Australian witch out of my mind, but still she kept coming back.

I made my way onto the track along the north side of Glen Trool, just west of the site of the battle there. I was back on familiar ground, and at that point the rain stopped again. I was drenched thoroughly, and utterly exhausted. It was ten hours since I’d set off, my knees ached and my feet felt so raw that I was almost scared to take off my boots and see the damage I had done. I walked along the path (much longer than I remembered) and came very close to civilisation again, a few farm houses on the north side of the loch. But I kept going rather than doing what I really wanted to do which was just lie down and let someone else sort out the mess. I returned back to my mantra of “Just another step” and slowly made my way back towards the bothy. The only saving grace was that Amiel seemed to have pissed off and left me alone again.

I’m now getting pretty bored of finding new ways to express how long and difficult this walk had become, so the summary version ensues. Actually more interesting now than the physical hardship was a change in my mind that occurred. Up until this point I was watching my rambling mind and thinking, “This isn’t working, I’m not getting any clearer.” My thoughts had been very suffering-focused, maybe just a sort of pain management system at work. Now the pain was getting worse, it began to harness the power of anger. It got into a very “I’m not putting up with that” attitude… actually, to be honest, it really went “Fuck you, there’s no fucking way I’m doing that any more!” about a lot of things going on in my life.

This felt so solid, such a rock, and it gave me a lot of strength to keep going. It felt like I was realising my own worth, and finally operating from that place. The anger went away, and there was just a sense of surety in the fact I wasn’t going to put up with a lot of things I’ve been accepting. I started thinking about the way I wanted to live my life, all the things I would do, and the many things I was no longer prepared to do. This carried me on for the next couple of hours as I got back to the bothy, by which time I’d been walking for about 12 hours and it was getting dark.

The bothy lies uphill from the track, and I seriously considered just buying a new sleeping bag and mat rather than taking that half hour detour up and back. But in the end my tightness got the better of me and I went up to retrieve my things and have a heavier backpack for the final hour. Trudging back down the hill (ouch, ouch) I set off again, and my mind shifted again.

I saw how my anger and determination of the past couple of hours had been at the expense of what I had learned, or been shown, right at the beginning of my journey – that my path is the path of surrender. I began to really let go of the things that were holding me back, just let them free to do whatever they would do. I realised that I never ever have had any control of them in the first place, and I couldn’t influence anything to do what I wanted. I saw that all I can do is love what I love, do what I do, and whether anything works or anyone loves me back is really not under my control at all.

With this mindset came a real calmness through my body, a sold feeling in my stomach. It didn’t make the next hour’s walk back to the car feel any better, but at least I felt that it had all been worthwhile. Perhaps a bit foolish, but very worthwhile indeed.

And it's amazing how great a few bits of fruit taste when you haven't eaten in 36 hours!

Journey to the Cross-roads

2011-09-25T11:37:00.001+00:00

Dancing with the Devil
Originally uploaded by skarpi.

As I lay within my sleeping bag, I set my mind firmly to the intention of my Death Lodge – to let die that part of me that was anxious and fearful, the quivering insecure aspects that held me back from doing what I’m meant to do, from my very purpose in life.

The copse was very beautiful, even among all that death there was life as spiders and other insects moved about everywhere in the near-darkness. I had a little tealight burning nearby, but even that seemed to have trouble staying alive. Despite there being no wind, it flickered away as if there wasn’t enough oxygen there to keep it burning. The full moon’s glow began to peek up above the hilly ridge in front of me, and up above, among the dead pine branches, the stars began to appear like little flashlights, no clouds to cover them.

I closed my eyes and tried to focus in on this death. I felt my path was to go deeper into this fearful aspect of me, to reach the point of terror and come through the other side. But I felt so strong, so self-assured from my experiences earlier that day, it was so difficult to ‘terrify’ myself into that state. I realised that there were shapes gathering around me – 7 trees in a circle surrounded me, and to my right there was a shape like a dog, a black dog with a snout the same as the dog in Toy Story. I looked over and it was a tree stump that looked nothing like a dog, but every time I looked away there he was again in the corner of my eye. At first it felt like he was waiting for me to die, to tear into me, but then I realised he was protecting me.

I should point out to anyone that doesn’t know me, that I really “don’t believe in that kind of stuff.” You know, ghosts and magic and psychic things, I’m a real sceptic. I am a lot more open these days, but often if I cannot rationalise something then I find it hard to believe. Still, something opened out in me on this night and I saw some things I couldn’t really explain, so I decided not to bother trying.

I fell asleep for a minute and as I slept a beautiful blonde woman with elfin features whispered in my ear. It wasn’t anything profound, I knew it was mundane even though I couldn’t remember what she said, but her very whispering woke me up again. I drowsed in and out of slumber a few times, perhaps recovering some strength for the rest of the night. My face got quite cold at times and I covered my head occasionally to heat up again, which was quite interesting as in a pine forest little bits drop off the trees all the time and I had a regular patter of pine needles dropping against my sleeping bag to fire my “in the wilderness alone” imagination.

At times I looked over to see the candle light in the bothy window, and as the darkness covered it was all I could see of the bothy. It stood like some fiery portal into another world, beckoning me to safety and warmth, but I knew to go there would simply keep me in my own manufactured hell. And so I went back again and again into the dark doorway in my mind, to keep revisiting this frightened self that I was letting die that night.

Eventually, after a few hours I reckon, I reached a point where I felt it was time to let go of these aspects of me. So I sat up and took the piece of paper on which I’d written all of the words describing this fearful aspect, and as I went to burn it, I realised there was one more aspect of my life that actually wholly represented this aspect of me at this present moment. So I flipped the paper over and wrote that on the back, though I think it’ll stay a secret for now as it would take a bit of explaining that I’m not so interested in doing. And with my ‘old’ self complete, I leaned over to the tealight and set it alight. After it burned I dug a small hole and buried it. Gone.

I settled down and went to sleep, and that’s when the real terror began! It wasn’t thick and furious, but whereas before that point I’d really had to work to take myself into my fear, it seemed that now I was just going there as I slept. I jumped awake a couple of times, really fearful (even though to be honest I’m not one to be scared of the dark) and one time I actually woke up choking. Instead of getting easier this only seemed to get worse.

So when I awoke just before dawn I was a little confused – wasn’t the Death Lodge supposed to be the end of that fear? But I also recognised that my intention wasn’t just to do the Death Lodge, but also that day’s planned Medicine Walk. So why would the process be complete until I had finished that?

The wind had picked up during the night and I could feel the forecast storm front coming in, even in that pre-dawn light. I got up and began to pack my bags, still a little shaken but looking forward to the peace and calm I hoped the Medicine Walk would bring me.

I really had no idea what was still to come!

[To be continued…]

A Shortcut to Mushrooms

2011-09-24T21:05:00.001+00:00

The Execution
Originally uploaded by Terra Kate.

Well it’s been over a week now, so I guess I should say a little about the very profound Death Lodge and Medicine Walk that I undertook last week. The whole thing was quite long, so please bear with em as I take 3 posts to explain what happened.

This all came about as a result of a whole load of shit going on in my life, major upheavals in terms of relationships and work that I won’t go into. Let’s just say I got to a point last week that I knew a part of me had to die – a part of me that was keeping hold of fear and causing me to hold a very negative attitude towards myself. Chatting with friends, I felt that I needed to do a Vision Quest, however I had neither the time to do it nor the money to pay someone to supervise such a lengthy and difficult journey. So one friend suggested I do a Medicine walk and another that I do a Death Lodge.

Essentially, the Death Lodge is a shamanic practice, and is an intentional period of solitude in nature, without distractions and incorporates fasting as well as prayer, observation, and journaling. Its intention is to let die something in your life which is no longer of use to you, an old habit or suchlike. In a way I saw this as a processing of dying to the ‘old’ me.

Of course, after the ‘old’ (fake, inauthentic, constructed, conditioned) you dies, it becomes very important how you re-construct the ‘new’ you. And so the Medicine Walk seemed a perfect way to bring about rebirth – it’s not really constructing anything, the secret would be to hold a space for long enough and let the ‘real’ authentic you come out. To do this, you walk from dawn to dusk in nature in a very mindful, meditative way, staying as open and as present as you can throughout.

So I set off on Thursday for the Galloway Forest Park, planning to sleep outdoors near to a mountain bothy I have frequented for years with my friends. I didn’t know exactly where I would sleep, just that it would be near to this bothy. I started by fasting from that morning, and clearing some work and communications that I needed to get out of the way to clear a space for these ceremonies. Shortly before I set off, I took some time to firmly set my intention, which was to prove very important – indeed, it is becoming really clear to me how powerful just the simple act of clearly setting my intention in anything can be.

I started the 90 minute drive to where I would leave my car soon after setting my intention. About 20 minutes into the drive I began to have this constant stream of thoughts/ideas and, since I was driving and couldn’t write, began speaking them out loud. It wasn’t like I was verbalising my thoughts, almost felt like I was “lecturing myself” or as if someone else was channelling through me (though I was fully conscious all the time of what I was saying). These ‘instructions’ were very clear, and were accompanied by the calmest feeling throughout my body that I have had in many, many years. It was rock solid, as if there wasn’t an element of doubt in these words throughout my body, not a butterfly in my tummy or flutter in my chest.
The core of these messages was about two things – first of all intention and its power in my life. But also, and very strongly, that my path right now is the way of surrender. That there are so many things going on and the way I have been living for decades, trying to control things in my life – work, social life, relationships – simply hasn’t worked. So it is time for me to let go, and the more I let go of, the better my life will become.

This continued for hours – I drove to the parking place and then got out, geared up with my rucksack and walking boots, and started walking for the bothy. And as I walked the channelling continued, just stream after stream of ideas and thoughts about intention and surrender, about how it worked and how my main enemy was impatience. How impatience often led me to side-step major issues, but that is foolish because if you don’t deal with it there and then it just comes around again another time. I was also shown how if you are impatient then it shows that your intention has not been properly set – by very definition, if you truly set your intention from a rock hard core of commitment, that includes the patience to see it through no matter what. So this is not a flimsy form of intention as in, “I am going to try this.” It is a solid form, more akin to, “This is what I need to do, and I will give it my everything again and again until it is done.”

It is not a commitment to DO something, it is a commitment to FINISH it.

The form of these revelations was fascinating, as they were not revealed to me through the example of my own life, but of someone I have been very close with for some time. I was shown these lessons through what she has done, and how these are simply a mirror for my own life and my own mistakes. This was quite clear from the beginning, that what I was seeing was not criticism about how someone else was living, but a reflection back on myself to change the same things in me.

I was shown the nature of true transformation, how it needs to begin with accepting the world as it is (surrender). If you transform the events of the situation, that is ducking out and avoidance. You must first accept the event itself and the circumstances, and then you can transform their impact from negative to positive, but to simply turn it into a positive event from the outset or very soon thereafter is not acceptance. If an event is terrible, then let it be terrible, accept its terribleness, and then transform it into a terrible learning experience. This would be as opposed to the love-and-light-and-peace-and-happiness process of saying that it is not terrible, denying its very nature to begin with, and thereby never learning how to truly cope with such events.

This then allows you not only to move to your edge, but to find ways beyond the edge of your ability to transform.

The channelling continued to some extent for most of that night and into the next day, but interestingly my calmness fluttered somewhat as soon as I rounded a bend and caught sight of the bothy (and also my eventual death Lodge site). At that point I felt that perhaps the calmness I felt so far was a fake, that something within me had been trying to convince me that I didn’t need to go through this crazy process. It felt like I was being fed Truth and shown calmness to convince me I didn’t need any ceremonies to feel better, and I smiled as it seemed something inside me was afraid of the power of these ceremonies and would do anything to convince me to stop.

As I walked up the hill to the bothy, a copse of trees caught my eye on the right. Without thought or analysis I realised that this was where I had to do my Death Lodge. I checked out the bothy (many changes there, good to see it in good nick though), lit a couple of candles in the windows in case I needed to find my way back there through the night, and then went over to the woods.

This copse of woods was amazing. The reason it caught my attention was that the branches (fir trees) started much higher than the surrounding forestry. When I got there I realised this was because most of these trees were dead. I found a nice level place to put down my mat, and realised the whole floor around this spot was littered with various mushrooms, including a few fly agaric. There were stumps and rotten trees covered in fungus, and an overall feeling that things had died there. The copse was, through two drainage ditches and a stream, surrounded by running water. It was also a bit infested by midges, but thankfully it was close to dusk and as the temperature dropped they disappeared.

I set out my mat and sleeping bag (the weather forecast was dry but I still put it inside a survival bag for cover), lit a candle and climbed inside…

[To be continued…]

The Rules of Navigation

2011-09-10T10:56:00.002+00:00

Map and Compass
Originally uploaded by Weeping-Willow.

1) The compass points straight, but navigation is not linear. There will be obstacles in your path. Accept them, find a way around and then move on.

2) Maps are beautiful and wonderful tools to aid navigation. They can give you insight beyond your knowledge and the basis on which to make wise choices and strong plans.

3) The map is NOT the territory. Never, not ever. The territory is alive, it changes, and even the best made map has flaws. Swollen rivers and fallen trees, roadworks and diversions, all seem to conspire you from following your plan. Look up from your map and see the territory about you. That is what the journey, this navigation, is all about.

4) Learn to explore off the map. Getting lost is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is if you funnel everything in your life to be within such a limited range of possibilities that everything happens exactly as you want it. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the surprise? That’s like being on a train and watching the scenery whizz past, no option to stop and enjoy.

5) If you’re lost be lost – be the best lost that you can. Be the best lost that you can until it’s time not to be lost any more.

Pumping Gas

2011-09-08T11:59:00.003+00:00

September 19th 2008 - Cause It's Only Money
Originally uploaded by Stephen Poff.

“Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables – slaves with white collars.”

Tyler Durden, Fight Club

I administer a group on Facebook, the Scottish Holistic Events Network. I set this up to provide a tool for holistic practitioners and teachers in Scotland to access a wider audience of advertising. I’m relying on it working by reaching a tipping point of viral marketing, where those in the group re-post the events posted to their own wall, thereby quickly multiplying the effect of a single post to a single group exponentially – so if someone posts in the group, which has 135 members right now, then they get 135 potential customers. If those members then repost to their own walls, well I don’t know how many friends they all have but even if it’s 100 then we suddenly get over 10,000 potential customers seeing that post.

So what’s this got to do with anything remotely interesting? Nothing, it’s just background for something I noticed and was thinking about today. You see I have come to notice how many of the posts are for events held in Scotland BUT featuring teachers who come from another country. At first I was thinking about this in terms of rules – in that my intention is to propagate the spread of holistic approaches in Scotland, is it really a good situation to be constantly spending our tight money resources on external teachers? Even economically, we are taking Scottish money and sending it away to be spent on foreign climes, instead of spending it locally.

I swept that aside, as I think it is still the role of this group to highlight available learning resources for native teachers and practitioners, and it’s not my role to save the Scottish economy. But it led to a more interesting train of thought. Why are so many of the posts in this group for foreign teachers? Why are so many of the members of SHEN acting as organisers and marketers for people firth of Scotland? Is there really no native Scottish talent that can meet the needs of spiritually-minded people in Scotland?

Of course every country has its visiting lecturers and speakers and it’s good to have variety. But I see people more interested in the exotic, and more active in promoting these incomers than they are in helping to develop local talent. Even worse, I see people who are using their own time and other resources to make an event happen for other people, yet doing very little to put themselves forward and stand up to be heard in their own modality as the valuable teachers they are.

At which point (as I’m walking through the woods musing on this) I catch a sight of the mirror. Yes, I am talking about “other people” for sure, but I just caught a glimpse of myself in there. I see how a short while ago I was at a talk with a very good teacher and as I listened to this person I realised that I knew the subject and the territory better, could present it better, and was paying to listen to this person instead of being paid to give out my own gift. I see how I’ve let the effects of this economy close me down, hiding in a mental-emotional hut in Bolivia as the soldiers surround me, waiting for the hail of bullets instead of bursting out like Butch and Sundance in a blaze of “all or nothing” glory.

And I wonder how many others find themselves sitting doing the same thing every month, metaphorically “pumping gas” instead of painting the Mona Lisa or developing a cold fusion reactor? As you sit there right now reading this, do you realise what you could be doing that you’re not? Are you waiting tables when your true gift is the photography you do in snatched moments in the evening or the massage work you do at weekends? Do you spend all your hard-earned cash from a menial job on Tai Chi seminars instead of teaching what you have learned to others?

Of course it’s not all about earning money. In fact to me, very little of it is about that. It’s about self-actualisation, of being the authentic you and presenting your own wholehearted truth to the world with integrity. And we need money too, so it is perfectly okay to pump gas in order to realise that. Indeed I was very influenced by a quote on the Flickr profile of a photographer I admire, Mark Velasquez, who says:

“As for me I flip burgers during the day, doing photo shoots in the afternoon and evening. If you say you don't have time, not enough money, or are too tired, then you don't want it bad enough. Find a way.“

But most people are flipping burgers without then living their purpose, without expressing their real self? And that is a tragedy written in human tears, anxiety, frustration, Prozac and the coldest darkest well of an unfulfilled life.

It’s time to stop crying and do whatever you need to do. It’s time for me to stop crying and do what I need to do. It’s time to listen to Tyler and to get very, very pissed off… and do something about it!

“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. “

Yeah it's Tyler again, so just deal with it...

Take Some Personal Responsibility

2011-08-25T10:29:00.002+00:00

Personal Responsibility
Originally uploaded by Thomas Hawk.

I’m getting deep realisations from my current focus in this “40 Days and 40 Nights practice” that I’m doing – nothing that I haven’t seen (or mentioned) before, but rather than thoughts these realisations are far deeper, and feel like they are stronger, like formative beliefs.

The latest one is to do with my happiness, and personal responsibility. I have become aware of the level to which I seek happiness outside myself way too often. I know we all do it – talking to a friend, getting ice-cream from the freezer, cuddling in when we feel the slightest discomfort. And I am not decrying these actions; it would be a sad, mad lonely life without them. We need our indulgences for sure.

But there is a time and a place for them, especially if you are intent, as I seem to be, on personal growth and evolution. It is my experience that growth simply does not happen on a personal (mental/emotional/spiritual) level when you are sitting on the Internet schmoozing with friends, numbing your brain to Celebrity Big Brother or cuddled in watching a rom-com with your beloved. Of course you can’t be all work and no play, so the purpose of those kind of indulgent activities is to give you rest and allow your strength to recover to face the next round of deepity.

And this isn’t a new model to me, it’s one my teacher expanded many years ago – the Yoga-Kshema model. Yoga is the actions you take to move forward and improve your level of non-suffering; whereas Kshema is the time you spend integrating the fruits of those actions. It’s like a set of long stairs, where the hard work is done in moving vertically up one stair, and then you consolidate and regroup as you move horizontally along to the next.

Anyways, enough of the soulless intellectual theory and back to the personal exposition. I have noticed the very subtle level to which I turn to other people to solve my happiness level. This is quite strange as ostensibly I am quite a self-sufficient person even to the extreme of refusing the help of others (to a ridiculous level). And that’s a whole other issue that I need to deal with - oh how endless this can seem…

But I noticed this thing where I am feeling down (usually through tiredness) or lonely or sad or just plain bored, and I start turning outwards to people and food and TV and Internet to satisfy my “lack” at that time. It is deep and subtle and very insidious, because as I turn and say “Nourish me” I develop an expectation from that person/food/entertainment. And then once it is consumed (once the interaction is over) I find that I am still as unsatisfied, or even if satisfied at the time it is over and eventually the dissatisfaction creeps back in. Of course this is a lot of what the Buddha said about desires, so I should know better, but somehow I don’t.

So this week I have been catching myself and asking what is the solution? And that came to hand pretty easy. Whenever I feel disturbed in any way, I need to connect back in to my self. This comes easiest when I spend time sitting in Zazen. So my first choice will be, when I realise such discord, to take myself away and sit, and allow what is there to be there. Of course it isn’t always possible to disengage from life’s excitements (or dullnesses), so I am also working with a way to root into this same practice while engaged in activities I cannot halt.

The basic truth that shines out to me from this is that if I rely on the actions and effectiveness of other people, substances and activities to find happiness, then I will forever be a slave to them. I am particularly prone to doing that (simply out of habit), especially in my relationship with food, internet, friends and partners. I feel it is time for it to stop, and for me to reclaim my freedom. This doesn’t mean I stop interacting with aforementioned food, internet and people – though perhaps at some level I need to detach from certain habitual behaviours in the first instance. But in the longer term it means that I stop considering them (= external) to be the creators of my misery (= level of happiness). I stop creating expectations of them to be any smarter, wiser, better, sweeter, more fulfilling, more loving, caring, aware, insert adverb of your choice than they are at that moment.

So I choose to take personal responsibility for my happiness, which I choose to define as a level of undisturbed satisfaction and acceptance of things the way they are. The work to be done here is mine, not theirs. And I can see that one taking a lot of work, but it feels core to me and this is what I will follow. To some degree it seems to involve stripping away my reliance on all of these things for a while, letting me truly experience my dependence on them at an experiential level. If I feel that I need chocolate to feel better, then I should sit without it and explore the root of that feeling and see what happens. If a conversation with someone leaves me upset, then rather than say, “He upset me,” I will sit with the feelings that arise and see where they really came from. It is an active choice to move from a victim mentality (he upset me, so I can’t do anything about it = ‘he’ is in control) to a personally responsible approach (I am feeling upset running through me and I can do something about that = I am in control), to discard waiting for other people to change or events to happen and cultivate acceptance at a deep inner level.

And yes, even that “I am in control” side is an illusion at another level, but at least it means I don’t spread out any misery that is running through me to other people unless it’s really necessary. And I don’t mean repression, so surely sometimes it will be necessary to vent, but first port of call will be “can I digest this inside?”

I have thought all of this before, and heard it and probably written about it too. But right now, I actually feel it to be true and feel a strong commitment to it. Somebody better pass me the Gaviscon.

Be a Man

2011-08-22T12:13:00.004+00:00

Arm and Ink
Originally uploaded by Let Ideas Compete.

I hear so many people, mostly women (but a few men too) talking about the Divine Feminine... and why not, Ma is so very utterly totally beautiful and amazing.

Yet very few people are talking about the Masculine Divine. Is it because we who are evolved enough to consider such matters are so sick fed up with the artificial masculine divine that rigid-minded preachers told us about in Sunday School? That idea of God as the grey-bearded man sitting on a throne on a cloud that most of us have tossed away before we make it into our teens, it’s not a very smart one or a very useful one either.

Or is it because men’s guilt at countless centuries of suppression of the divine feminine makes us fearful of going there again, because we worry that we will turn on that (first stage) masculine power and the demon will take over? At a personal level I doubt this could happen to me, but I’m sure there are more than a few men out there who would be capable of returning to this level of abuse of masculine power. And a few masculinized women too I’ll bet. And I think that at a collective level men are capable of slipping into this pack mentality even on occasions where a vast majority of them disagree with its ways.

There’s no doubt though, the balance has swung entirely in the direction of the Divine Feminine. In spiritual circles anyway – in the real world it’s social-political-business as usual with the emphasis on a masculine approach. So do we actually need to be spending time in developing the Masculine Divine when there’s so much masculine in the world already?

Well you know, to go off at a tangent, I like humus. Yup, it’s true, I can pretty much guzzle that stuff down. If it’s the right kind of humus anyways. The stuff you get from Morrison’s is pretty good. But the stuff they sell in Tesco, I don’t find worthy of eating.

It’s the same with masculinity – it is not all created equal. What we have a plethora of in this world is low-grade basic grunt masculinity. It has no awareness of anything other than the masculine. It’s is a limited, false approach with a poor repertoire of skills. It’s like salt-free ketchup (oh do I love my food metaphors) – there’s just something essential missing from the recipe. And is it any wonder that so many women get bored of that bland flavour free man-alternative?

So yes, there’s a real need for men to be connecting with the Divine Masculine again. But it’s not about entrenching ourselves in masculine activities, it’s about extending our range to end up being fully capable emotional beings who are centred and have a surety of purpose. It’s about becoming free without (as I feel I have been doing for years) floating about in those ocean swells rudderless. It’s about being a man because that’s what you are in your true authentic essence, not just acting the way that you see other men doing and perpetrating the myth. The violent, aggressive business man is no more a real man than the submissive, pathetic, weedy type, because they are both incomplete and inauthentic.

So what is the Divine Masculine? I like Sunyata Satchitandanda’s explanation in his blog. It’s an archetype, an ideal, it’s something to work towards.

And how to work towards that? I like a pretty simple approach, as my Zen tendencies (Zendencies?) show. I feel it's all about the development of awareness (mindfulness, attention, presence) and creating an intimate connection with the life you are leading. A bit vague?

Well, I also like David Deida’s more detailed approach in The Superior Man. I would not say I am completely convinced by it all, but I keep reading and trying to understand because it has skipped me several decades ahead of where my thinking was just a week ago. Guys, let me explain it this way – if you read this book you will begin to understand so many things that you couldn’t fathom before, in particular the ways that women act so differently (and mysteriously, and infuriatingly, and… you get the point). It may not solve all your problems, but it may give you a very good idea of how to put in the work to begin that process.

I have come across decriers of Deida on the internet, who say that his approach is too difficult to maintain/sustain. That may be the case, but they seem to have missed his very first lesson – stop trying to ‘complete’ things. Truth is that you will never succeed in becoming the archetypal Divine Man. Just like Mother Theresa didn’t succeed in stopping poverty in Kalkutta, yet does that mean she should have stopped trying for the ideal? Just like that pound you put in the cancer charity tin doesn’t actually cure cancer, but should that stop you putting it in?

And most of them seem to be missing the point – Deida’s ideal is at a level he refers to as Third Stage. That means you have to work through the first and second stages before you get there. (This guy actually seems to understand this point but for some strange reason prefers to advise people to forget about third stage ideals, rather than giving them advice on how to get through first and second, which doesn't make sense). It seems that too many of us are trying to build our houses without laying down solid foundations beforehand.

Of course many people are still rooted into the fear-based macho-traditional ways of first stage (both men and women). It’s a difficult quagmire to get out of, so ingrained in our culture, but modern society is trying to get us into the second stage arena of (unfortunately very disempowered) ‘equality,’ though I think homogeneity is a better word to describe it than equality. I’d hazard a guess that if you’re still reading this, there’s a good chance that you are, or at least have the potential to be, working somewhere in second stage (I’d also hazard a guess that most people reading this would be women, as men seem far less likely to make it that far). I know it’s where I’m residing right now, and its blandness just bores me yet I have so many issues to get through I am sure it's where I will live for some time to come.

And most of us get comfortable there in the second stage zone, drop the questioning and settle for a bland, easy (inauthentic) life. It looks to me that third stage is for the few and far between (which does not yet include me) – those who have put in the effort to work thoroughly through all their first and second stage issues, and are ready, have a burning (and I mean that quite literally) desire to move on to the big pond.

it seems really difficult to me, but I don;t think giving up is the answer. It does us all good to aspire to greater things, so I’m not quite ready to de-Deida-fy just yet…

Into the Wild

2011-08-15T11:37:00.002+00:00

Alien Sky
Originally uploaded by Saguaro Pictures.

I feel a little lost.

I have no clear life purpose, nothing so obvious to me. So I am living in a world of bland experience most of the time.

As David Deida says in The Way of the Superior Man, "Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. "

I need to find my purpose, a true, authentic purpose to my existence. The one that is right for me.

I would love to take some time off and carry out a real Vision Quest, alas my business and life won’t allow that right now. So I will do it in my everyday life, with changes to diet and meditation and practices in-between those items on my ‘to-do’ list. Walks in nature, reading books and writing all seem part of it, but I feel my Zazen practice will be at its very core.

I will try to do this as a “40 Days and 40 Nights” practice, to give me enough time of dedicated practice to reach my intention of finding my true purpose. I did this last year and it was valuable but my intention was not so firm.

So I may not post here so regularly (or I may post more often LOL) and I may at some point deactivate my Facebook account for a while, just to focus in. I just want to explain that in advance so that nobody thinks I have unfriended them, or gone off in some sort of emo huff.

I am good, enjoying life and my commitment to transformation, just immersing myself more fully.