Hiawatha LRT

First of all, there’s a lot of current pop and hip-hop sampled on the album, and I wanted to get it out there as soon as possible.

. . .
So for this one, I feel like I’m in a fairly lucky situation to have people who want to hear it already before even hearing it. That much is a rare thing in my career so far. I think what we went for seems like an obvious game plan now, just because as soon as it hits the internet, anyone who reads the internet can get it for free if they want to. So why not tap in and let them actually take a step back and think about it, and maybe offer some money? It seemed to make sense, especially because kids who listen to my music are probably fairly attached to the internet and can get it for free if they actually want to.

*Insert applause here*

To tide you over, here’s some Girl Talk YouTubery:

More Girl Talk videos

There’s something extra sad about getting pumped up by a song from a superhero movie, especially when the movie features a guy swinging around in tights. Still, this is a great pop song. And even though Dashboard Confessional is nowhere near as good as indie rock emo peddlers Death Cab For Cutie, have they ever rocked this hard?

5. Coldplay “Fix You”

Capturing Chris Martin at his stoned-helium-voice-worst, Coldplay’s “Fix You,” is everything that’s wrong with Coldplay: It’s bland, vaguely optimistic, cheesy, dopey, bashful, sleepy, happy (see what I did there?), but it’s hard not to like the chord progression and message of the song, as dumb as it may be.

There is something genuinely charming about “Fix You.” It’s a bit like watching a dopey (there it is again) Adam Sandler comedy hungover on a Sunday morning; You always know he’ll get the way-out-of-his-league-girl at the end of the movie, but it’s still kinda/sorta fun watching him stumble around trying to get there.

I’m going to go puke now.

4. Avril Lavigne “Girlfriend”

Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” may have the worst lyric in the history of western music with — and I quote — “Hell yeah, I’m the muthafuckin’ princess” (though, I’m sure Toby Keith has equally bad). But something about the crunchy over compressed guitar and vocals along with the handclaps just works for me. Plus, for some reason I will never understand — NEVER — I find Avril attractive and dream about her singing this song to me. Ugh.

3. New Radicals “You Get What You Give”

The New Radical’s one and only hit “You Get What You Give” should be hated if for no other reason then it was cribbed right from the U2 songbook. It also features incredibly annoying front man Gregg Alexander.

Blech. I feel terrible about this one. But, hey, it’s better than secretly liking Smash Mouth’s “All Star” or Sugar Ray’s “Fly.”

2. Tom Petty “Free Fallin’”

Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” has been played a bagillionzillion times, and that alone is enough to hate it. Seriously. Bagillionzillion. I think he got a plaque or something for it.

But I can’t hate it. It’s THE perfect pop song. Plus, I love Tom Petty unconditionally, clunky lyrics and all.

1. Toby Keith “Beer For My Horses”

I’m not sure what hurts more: Willie Nelson singing with Toby Keith in “Beer for My Horses” or appearing with Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazzard. At least with “Beer for My Horses,” I get to hear Willie sing “Grandpappy told my pappy.” I think that almost makes up for singing with Toby Keith. Almost.

Um, so… They didn’t really say that. And who cares whether they showed Seth Rogan and James Franco smoking weed anyway? Certainly, if I cared, I would have been watching. Here’s the clip if you care to watch it:

Jessica Simpson has always been a country star posing as a pop star. She never had the pipes or big city swagger of Christina or the goofy girl next door kookiness (now craziness) of Britney. No, Simpson is the embodiment of the country music star model: Big boobs, Texas roots, low IQ — like Toby Keith, but with less chest hair.

So what does this have anything to do with saving the good ol’ US-of-A? Well if you look at the two super scientific charts below you’ll see that Jessica Simpson’s career arc is roughly equivalent to the free-falling reputation of the United States.

What this means, of course, is that if Jessica returns to relevance by going country (which, of course, she will), Barack Obama will be elected President and everyone will like the U.S. again. Simple. Of course if the album falls flat (again, unlikely), then McCain will win and we’ll have at least 4 more years of winter.

25. Screech from Saved by the Bell

24. Anyone from Seinfeld, not named Seinfeld or Larry David

And/or anyone still making Seinfeld references.

23. Web site “lists”

Lists are for remembering things, not wiping your ass, licking the paper (or screen), and smiling. </sh*tgrin>

22. Holocaust survivors

Don’t laugh people! Not funny!

21. Dave Chapelle quitting Comedy Central

I’m still making my way off the cliff.

20. The O.C.

Waterworks people. Waterworks!

19. Fat people

Fat people are not funny, just sad.

18. Hollywood movies

Blanket statement, I know. Sad thing is it’s 99% true.

17. Cockroaches

Cockroaches are never funny or cute, not even with Jerry O’Connell around. Hmmm… Maybe it’s the other–ah never mind. Rats, however, are funny and cute as long as they make delicious-looking, 3D food. (lifelike even!)

16. My credit card debt

15. A deference to dumb, racist motherf*ckers, from the South

14. America’s drug “policy”

13. Superstition

12. The morning news shows

These are either the WORST thing in the world and completely sadistic viewing experiences or completely hilarious excursions into the lives of dumb people. It usually depends on how drunk or stoned I am.

11. F*ck it. Let’s skip to the top 5

5. Dick Cheney

All pants, no party.

4. Condoleeza Rice

All pants, no party.

3. George Bush

It’s like the night at the “comedy” club that never ends. Seriously, just give him the record already and get him off the stage.

2. Your Momma

See! Not funny!

1. Dane Cook

[Making face and stupid animal noise here] Just trust me, THIS is funny.