Searching for Balance

Moving Blogs!

2012-11-06T11:49:00.001-08:00

Hello! I only have stats to tell me people actually read this blog, but, in the spirit of some major changes in my life, I have decided to retire Searching for Balance. I've started a new blog called A New Journey, at http://daralanemackay.blogspot.ca/. If you're following this blog, I'd love if you moved over there with me! This will be my last post here.

Thanks for reading!

Breast Cancer Awareness in My Own Life

2012-11-06T10:17:00.003-08:00

On December 5th, I am getting tested for the cancer gene. In my last checkup, my doctor recommended this testing, as I have had my mother and my aunt, her sister, pass away from cancer in their late thirties and early forties respectively. I am 31. The death of my mom weighed heavily on my mind as I entered my thirties, because her life was a mere 38 years. Because of these losses, I know I have to be vigilant against this disease, and I've decided to go ahead and take the genetic screening. If I am predisposed to breast cancer, I want to know. Knowledge is power, as they say.

While I'll be happy to know either way, and make changes in my life accordingly, the idea of getting a glimpse into my fate is a little bit daunting. Will I be upset if the result is that I do, in fact, carry the gene? I'm guessing yes, but I feel like this is something I need to know. But knowing means I will be very, very diligent with my check-ups, have yearly mammograms and MRIs, and take care of my overall health with a heightened sense of urgency. Any steps I can take to prevent cancer will be taken. I will not leave my two daughters with no mother. That is something I just can't do.

And that's another reason I need to know. If I carry the gene, my daughters are at higher risk as well. This isn't just about me, it's about making sure they are living their best and healthiest lives too. It's a scary thought, just for myself, but I have to make sure my children are fully aware of their own health risks.

If my answer is no, then I don't think I'll be any less vigilant in my health. I have more than myself to live for. I feel like I've only just started living sometimes; my life feels as though it has been very short thus far. I want a long life, as do most other people, and one key to that is making sure I know everything I need to, and treating my body and mind well.

So, I'm a little scared of what my answer will be, but I'm more determined to know; determined to live, healthily and happily. I'm determined not to let disease, or the prospect of it, get in my way. Breast cancer is a killer. I'm going to do everything can to make sure I'm not on its list.

Something I've always wanted to do...

2012-09-10T12:09:00.001-07:00

This weekend something that has been in the works for probably almost two years came to life. It's something I've always wanted to do, but was either too chicken, too broke, or couldn't think of a good enough reason. On Saturday, I got my first tattoo! I must say, I'm pretty pleased with myself.

My sister and I got matching tattoos. We've been talking about it for quite some time now. It seemed like a really fitting thing to do to commemorate our relationship. For a very long time, she and I weren't part of one another's lives. When I was sixteen, I moved out, leaving my eight year old sister behind. I went through a lot to keep in contact with her, including getting court ordered visitation. Things between myself and her father were not good, and continued to deteriorate, and this made seeing my sister more and more difficult. Eventually, it became impossible. It stayed that way for close to ten years. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss her, think of her and pray that she was okay. I always eagerly awaited news of her from my grandmother, as she was my only connection.

A few years ago, my sister came back into my life. Our relationship started off very tentatively, and grew from there. After she graduated high school, we started getting close. We had a lot of really truthful, raw conversations, and there was a lot of growth there. Then she asked me if I'd consider getting matching tattoos someday; something that meant something about our relationship. I was on board right away! I had always wanted one, but didn't know what I would get. This was the perfect thing.

So on Saturday, after over a year of living together and continuing to grow closer and more solid, seeing each other through some hard times and good times, we did it. What we chose is so fitting of us, and turned out so beautifully! If my body is going to be marked for the rest of my life, I'm glad it symbolizes my sister, and how much we love each other.

Here it is!

The Celtic knot at the bottom symbolizes sisterhood, and growing out of it are two calla lilies, one for each of us, growing and thriving together. It marks the growth of our relationship, how intertwined our lives are, and how we are growing together and there for each other, always.

I couldn't be happier that we did this! My sister is among the most important people in my life, and has been since the day she was born. Now when I look down at my leg, I will always be reminded of that.

Love you sister!

Thanks for the wise words John Donne

2012-08-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

John Donne had it right when he said, "No man is an island entire of itself..." That line is quoted so often because we, as human beings, recognize that we tend to want human connection. The connections we have with people are directly related to our happiness. For me, solitude, self reflection and quiet are very important. But in balance with having meaningful relationships.

I spent many years isolating myself from others. There were many reasons for it, and it wasn't something I did on purpose. When I feel overwhelmed, unhappy, or struggling with something emotionally, I retreat inward. The only person I have ever felt completely safe with is myself. I have had a lot of practice with this. The thing is, this practice can be so destructive. It's interesting; while we are trying to keep ourselves safe, classic self-preservation technique, we are actually doing the opposite. The really sad thing is that sometimes, we don't realize this until it is too late. It takes a lot of effort to be open with others, and it's really scary. We risk being hurt, disappointed, or worse. Is that risk worth it?

I think maybe it is. For me, as for many, it takes a lot of purposeful effort to be vulnerable. I am a very closed person, and not very many get to see what's really in there. (As I think about this, I think how funny it is that I write a blog that explores my feelings, because that is a very public way to do things. Anonymity is a great thing!) As I go through the process of being a more open person, letting go of my insecurities and fears, I think that it is definitely worth it. There's something so freeing about being able to trust people enough to divulge the core of yourself. My dad is a prime example of this kind of relationship. He knows me better than anyone on the planet I think. And still, I have retreated from him in the past decade. As I start to be real with him again, and see that no matter what I tell him, what I do, what I show him, I'm reminded that he still loves me exactly the same as he did the day I was born.

Not everyone deserves this openness. In my mind, they have to earn it. But when they do, I think maybe I am ready to stop being such an island. Human connection is a powerful thing.

Inadequacy and Self Worth

2012-07-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

Painful periods in life tend to bring up old insecurities. I think I have a fairly healthy self-esteem, and for the majority of my adult life, I have learned to understand that my value is intrinsic, and can't change based on external things; that it is fixed because I am human and I matter. I am finding lately though, that this is being shaken. We all go through periods of self doubt, and that old, nagging feeling that I am just not good enough is resurfacing. I don't like it. This is not something I want to hold on to, and I am beginning to work through these feelings with a professional therapist. I've been to counseling before, a very long time ago, and at this time in my life, I think it is definitely a tool that I should and will take advantage of.

The hard part about feeling like I am not good enough is that I know I actually am. It's hard to make head and heart reconcile sometimes. When we feel emotions, logic goes out out the window. Logical me knows that nothing can take my value away. Logical me sees and understands that I am, in fact, good enough, and always have been. How others receive me is in their control, not mine, and it cannot change who I am and what I am made of. Emotional me, on the other hand, tends to get caught up in self-degradation, and loves to feel less than valuable. I know exactly why I am this way. We all have some form of insecurity, and mine partially comes from never quite being good enough as I was growing up. When you treat a child like they just can't measure up, and your expectations are unrealistic, that leaves scars (but that's a whole other post!). My scars are a little sore right now.

That said, I am thankful that I'm aware of this inner struggle. Awareness is the first step to healing, and it is my hope that I can, once again, work through these lies emotional Dara is trying to tell me. Sadly, it's the emotional parts of me that seem to be at the forefront right now, though not necessarily winning. My last counseling appointment addressed these issues directly, and something my counselor read to me stuck. My inner value is fixed. It doesn't matter what I do, how I feel about myself, how others perceive me, my value will always remain the same. It is equal to the value of every other human being, and that is unchangeable. I like it!

I wrote a long time ago about positive self-talk as a tool I have used to help me out of these emotional downward spirals. I've found that at this particular point in my life, I have to use this tool quite often. "I am valuable." "I am a very good mother." "I am strong." "I am important."

It doesn't matter how I feel about myself, or how insecure I get, my inner value is fixed. It can't be changed or diminished. And when I have moments of self-doubt, self-loathing, self-degradation, I can rest assured that the core of me cannot change. I was born with it and I will die with it. And in this life, I must own it.

To say I love my kids is a gross understatement.

2012-07-01T15:51:00.001-07:00

To say I love my kids is a gross understatement. If you're a parent, or even if you're not, I'm sure you know what that feels like to love someone like that. There are no words in the English language that can express what I feel for them. It's a connection that comes from the deepest part of my being. There is nothing more important in my life than those beautiful girls.

And they deserve the entire world. Because they exist. Because they came from me.

What I also know, without question, is that they deserve the best me possible. I've been working on myself, my issues, my struggles for a great deal of time now, and I love that my only motivation is not me. That means there's that much more room for success. Of course, I want to be my authentic self, to be happy, to have my dreams because this is the only life I have. But it's also theirs too.

My goal is to have my girls grow up to see an example of a strong, driven woman, and to give them my whole self; the best I have to offer. Mediocre won't suffice for them. Mediocre won't suffice for me. I've allowed myself to be less than what I truly am for far too long, and this is not only doing a disservice to myself, but to them as well. That is not good enough.

I've been searching for balance in my life for years; balance between being a mother, that huge part of myself, and the rest of me, who struggles to be seen and heard. Balance between work and parenting, between giving and receiving, between all of the things a woman must juggle. This search has led me to an authentic search for myself. And while I've always had a good idea of who I am, that thing that we're made of, that core, continues to grow. We need to grow with it.

So, I love my kids. I really love my kids. And I love myself. That, when obstacles get in my way, and hardships hit my life, is what I keep coming back to. No matter how down on myself I get, and yes, that happens, I remember that I do value me. I value me and I value my daughters.

Identity

2012-03-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this morning, as I prepared breakfast for my kids, changed diapers, and swept up the mess of cheerios on the floor, that a woman's identity can become rather complex. I thought to myself, broom in hand, that this is not how I view myself - caregiver of young children, stay at home mom, changer of stinky diapers. Though these are roles I fill all day long, almost every day of my life, how I see my actual self is very, very different.

From the outside looking in, if you were to just take a peek at my life, this is how you would view me: a mom. On any given day, when I am working and don't have to leave the house, I have my hair pulled back in a messy bun (usually without the effort of brushing it), no makeup, and clothes with all manner of kid stains on them. You see me holding one of the babies in my care, or you see me trying to cook a meal with them at my ankles, demanding attention. You see me clean, and expend all my energy caring for others. You would identify me as a mother and caregiver...if you were to just take a glimpse. That is what the vast majority of people in my life see, I think (unless you read my blog, of course).

This role I fill is not what I believe I actually am. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I am a caregiver. But that isn't all of me. As a matter of fact, that is just a small piece of my overall identity. This morning the thought came to mind - this part of me takes up the vast majority of my life, but this is not all! I am an artist. I am a writer. I am a scholar (correction, I want to be a scholar again). Just because I have obligations, and children, and a job doesn't mean I have to give up those parts of myself that I really identify with. My children are getting older. My focus is in the direction I want my life to take. Where your focus is, you will go (makes sense that you go in the direction you are looking, yes?). The roles we fall into in life don't have to define us. We choose our own identities, by where we put our focus and aspirations. We define ourselves, if we are strong enough to do so.

I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to let others define me. I chose to stop being a victim of my circumstances. I chose to live in forgiveness and pursue things I identified with. Now, I find myself in a similar situation to the one I was in so many years ago, becoming an adult and breaking free of my childhood ties. To anyone looking in, they see me wiping noses, washing dishes, and sweeping cheerios off the floor. But, that's just the surface. That's just the part of me that is living in and dealing with circumstance. The other parts, so numerous, are there too, just below the surface, and it's by purposeful choice that they don't get buried under life. Having children is a beautiful, wonderful experience, and I see so many moms get lost in that existence. When their children grow up, they are left wondering what to do, and who they are. I'm not going to be that mom (or at least, I'm really trying!). My kids will benefit so much from me being more than just their mom. They will have an example of ambition, desire, drive, and character. They will have, hopefully, proof that if you want to be something, you will be. They will know that others can't put any label on them. Only we define ourselves. Only we define our identities.

I will be honest and say that sometimes, I get confused about who I am. Still. But, at the core, I know and I feel it. Yes, I am a mother. And I think a pretty good one. But, I am also an artist, a writer, a scholar, a teacher...and so many other things. People aren't one dimensional. I am not one dimensional. I choose my identity.

Every second counts.

2012-03-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that the people I love are surrounded by loss lately. I am not so naive as to think that these types of experiences are exclusive to myself, but I kind of feel like this is excessive. Yesterday my father lost his best friend of 50 plus years to cancer. This is a man who is as much a part of my mental furniture as any other childhood memory. He was always a part of my dad's life, and therefore mine. The two have known each other since they were five years old; best friends for an entire lifetime. How do you go from having someone constantly in your life to never seeing them again?

Unfortunately, I can answer that question. The long list of people in my life who have passed on has taught me, and now been reinforced again, that every single second matters. Every second counts. Every moment I share with loved ones could be my last. I'm not trying to be negative or sound like I expect death to knock at people's doors all the time, I'm just trying to take all this sadness and make it mean something. I think of all the time I have wasted, and it makes me sad. Wasted moments being wrapped up in the trivial, mundane things that are all too easy to get lost in are numerous. How many times have I just sat in front of the television, blocking out the world? How many times have I not picked up the phone to call someone just to say I love you, or I'm thinking of you? How many times have I not reached out to someone because I was nervous or afraid? Sadly, the answer is many...so many.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Make every day, every hour, every moment of your life matter. I need to stop being wrapped up in trivial things and forcibly remember that I don't have forever to live. I may not have the option of living later, so I have to do it now. We only have now. That's it. Live right now.

R.I.P. Radar. You'll be missed. Thank you for sharing yourself with my dad.

Inspiration

2012-03-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

As life moves in its brand of monotony, once in a while I run into some inspiration. I've blogged at great length about my goals and dreams, and my frustrations in not being able to see those things come to pass as quickly as I'd like. These moments of inspiration I speak of are what keep me going, trying, wanting...these moments keep me from giving up. The thing in my life that's on my mind the most these days is my novel. I've been writing for over a year now - I don't actually remember when I started, but it's got to be over a year, maybe two. I've promised myself I'd finish the first draft of it this year. By the end of 2012, I will be ready to start editing and revising it.

My inspiration comes from many things right now. First, last month I completed my first freelance writing project. Here it is, if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B00703PS7A/ref=sib_dp_kd#reader-link It was a very positive process, and in the end, I'm proud of my work. And what a thrill to see my name on the front of a book! I've been published for small pieces before; poetry and such, but this, this is the biggest thing I've done. To see my name in print makes me believe that I just might have what it takes to write a good novel.

As it sits right now, this moment, I have written over 18 chapters of my young adult novel. The main character is from my heart, and embodies a young woman who is struggling to find her own strength, as well as connect to another human being in a meaningful way. 95 180 words later, I think I have the start of what could be a fantastic book. It's exciting to see how far I've come and how much I've written. This too is incredibly inspiring! It's already 175 single spaced typed pages long, and I can see the end coming. I can see the story wrapping up, as I bring it to the climax and bring all the pieces together. Thrilling. Absolutely thrilling.

Another source of inspiration is the people around me. How I came to have such wonderful, encouraging people in my life, I don't really know. I've recently sent the entire unfinished mess to a friend, who is constantly encouraging me and telling me it will happen. I don't think she has any idea how much that means to me. I see it. I picture it. I visualize this thing being a success. The thing that I find most inspiring, is that other people see it too. She tells me this is going to happen, and I believe it! It's amazing what belief can accomplish, and at this moment, I really really believe in it.

In the back of my mind, there's always that nagging bit of inadequacy that has followed me all my life. I hear things like, "What if I'm kidding myself and it's no good?" "What if people are just placating me, and I have no talent?" "What if people just won't like it?" These thoughts are so damaging, and inspiration helps them go away. Writing this novel is like putting myself on the page, completely bare. It all came from me. Every word is mine, and I guard it and cherish it. It's the ultimate in being vulnerable to share something like this with the world. You set yourself up for criticism, ridicule, failure. But what I know is that it's completely worth it! To see your dream working itself out on the page, and knowing that there's a possibility that it could be loved by someone just as much as you love it - priceless!

So, right now I'm feeling inspired and excited. I can't wait to finish this draft and move on to the edit and revise stage, and pull the whole story together. I can't wait to see it in one piece!

And Real Life Resumes...

2012-03-07T12:47:00.001-08:00

I recently went on vacation with some of my best friends. It was fantastic to get away from the grind of daily life, and for once, think only of myself and what I wanted. Now though, I've been finding that the crushing reality of life is difficult to get back into smoothly. I hear this is common when you return from a vacation (not that I would know, this is a first), but when you come home, have to adjust back into life, and are confronted with some very emotional issues right away, it makes it that much harder.

Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't eat, hadn't slept and was just generally a mess (this is how I deal with pain as of late, and honestly, I'd rather go back to emotional eating). Today, after sleeping a lot last night, I am starting to feel somewhat normal, physically. I have been forcing myself to eat, no easy task at the moment, and I had some coffee, which made my stomach turn yesterday. Pretty much all I want is water, which I suppose, it at least something.

Life is so funny. For some time I've been wrapped up in something that, in retrospect, has been taking me down a path I shouldn't go down. I've been restless, unhappy with my circumstances, and wanting things that I can't have at this point in my life. While the end of this situation is painful - heartbreaking actually - I am beginning to see that I really have to get back to my core, and be happy with what I've got right now. I want to move into a new phase of life so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't make time go faster. I can't change things today. I can put things in motion, get things moving, still dream, but for what feels like such a long time, I've been only focusing on what I want to happen, not what's happening right now. And real life is right now. Real life is my kids, my husband, my sister, my job. Real life is writing my book, which I will finish this year. I've lost sight of the fact that real life is good. I've forgotten that what I have in this moment is not something to take for granted. What blessings I have. I've been so busy wanting more and other things, that I've forgotten what I have.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in your dreams and ambitions, and forget that what you have is beautiful too. There's nothing saying I can't have what I want in the future, most of it, but that's the point. It's the future. And we are not guaranteed anything but this moment. I've struggled throughout my life with being caught up in the future and not living in the moment. Today, I choose not to do that. Today I choose to put my pent up energy into the people around me who love me and need me. To love my kids, who make me so happy I can't even describe it. To love my husband, who deserves it more than I give. To love my sister, who's every breath is a blessing to my life. To love my job, the kids I care for, the fact that I can watch my babies grow up every day. And so, real life resumes. And what a life I have.

A Day in My Life

2012-02-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

Today my morning started off not so great. Firstly, as usual, the alarm went off when I wasn't ready for it. I hit the snooze button not once, but twice, then had to rush to have the world's quickest shower and dress before my day home opened. Then, as children began to arrive, and I had to move quickly to feed and dress my own children and get my 7 year old out the door for school, I discovered that some of my day home children were, for lack of a better word, cranky. Early naps for them, and lots of coffee for me and a quiet table top activity of plasticine and cut out tools has given me a moment of quiet and reprieve. It won't last long.

Even now, as I type, I have to keep reminding my 2 year old not to eat the plasticine, and I can hear one of the babies stirring over the monitor. In half an hour I will begin preparing lunch for 5 children, probably forgetting to feed myself until later in the afternoon when my stomach reminds me that I too need more fuel than just coffee. Then my afternoon will be comprised of cleaning up after the little ones, who inevitiably throw a lot of the food I have so thoughtfully prepared for them, keeping in mind that I need to give them a meal with 4 food groups and healthy ingredients, onto the floor. Whether my 2 year old will nap this afternoon or not is a bit of a crapshoot. If she does, we'll have some quiet, if not, she will be nice and cranky by supper time, and yet more food will end up on the floor. You have no idea how many times I sweep and wipe and mop my floor every single day.

Then, because it's a beautiful day, I will take the kids outside. Three children under the age of 2, and one 4 year old, all needing boots, mitts, jackets, snowpants, and all of their gear on just to walk four or five steps to my back yard takes about twenty minutes. Then, I let them run around, play, get dirty...all except for the littlest baby who will eat things off the ground if I put her down. But she doesn't want to be held either, and doesn't want to sit in a stroller or wagon...so it's a constant keep-my-eyes-peeled-for-random-objects-in-her-mouth kind of afternoon. But, this is my job. It's what I do.

Next, craft time. With family day approaching, my theme this week after Valentine's is families (duh). So, we will make some kind of family themed craft, which will involve glue, markers and a great many other messy, have-to-clean-up-again kinds of things. And of course, I will have to make sure the babies don't get a hold of the markers, oh my. That is always a disaster. This is why they make washable markers...

Then, after nap time is over and crafts are finished and cleaned up marginally, my 7 year old returns from school with all her boisterous noise and energy. This is the craziest part of my day, hands down. The time between 3:30 and 6:00 when my day home is closed is always nuts. I have to make sure kids are changed, fed snacks, entertained and packed up ready to go for their parents, while doing dishes (because let's face it, I haven't even touched them yet today and I have to have some clean plates for supper) and cooking a meal. PS. I hate cooking. It happens every single time that a parent arrives in the middle of something bubbling over on the stove top or charring black in the pan. You're welcome family. Enjoy.

After supper is a frenzy of cleaning, homework, showering children, stories, bed, sanitizing toys, bathrooms, surfaces, and planning for the next day. I try to get all this done by 9:00, so I can actually sit down and have some time with my husband, watch a few television shows, work on writing projects, or sometimes, I just fall asleep on the couch. And of course, the whole time, I am making sure I'm connected to whatever social media outlet I use... Have to be plugged in at all times.

That's pretty much a day in my life. And, I can't really complain. While it's busy, and I'm usually really tired, it's worth the effort to soak in the moments I treasure with my kids and my family. Today, so far has been hectic, (it's actually taken me the majority of the day to even finish this post), but I am thankful. It started off on a sour note, but that doesn't have to dictate the whole day. So there it is. Another day I am thankful to be alive.

"Doesn't matter if glass is half empty or full, what matters is whether you have a glass." Octavia Spencer

Regret: A Memorial

2012-02-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

I am not one to live with regrets. It's something that I feel is counter productive - much like the feeling of guilt. Guilt and regret go hand in hand, and there is really nothing good that comes from holding onto either feeling if one is to live a happy and full life. They do have some purpose though. My thinking is that guilt and regret serve to help a person change so they don't come across similar situations in the future. But once a change has taken place, that regret shouldn't reside in you.

That said, I am feeling pangs of regret this week. Monday was my grandad's memorial service, and my family and I went. It was very casual, as he would have wanted, and some of his old friends and family got up to tell stories about him. It was open to everyone. The thing I regret is not saying anything. At the time, I could think of absolutely nothing to say. Isn't that horrible? I wasn't close with him, but in the past few years, I had gotten to know him a little differently, especially when his health began to decline. There was love between us, and I regret not sharing that. So, I thought, to help myself let go of this, I would write about it. This is what I should have said:

My grandad wasn't a man of many words. He was a man's man; a hockey playing, beer drinking, rodeo man. He was, for lack of a better word to describe him, tough. I don't have any funny stories about him, but there are a few things that he gave me. I will take these things with me for the rest of my life, in his memory. My grandad and I didn't have long phone conversations, or even long visits, but I know that he thought of me. He never missed sending me a birthday card and Christmas card, even after my grandma passed. He would always put something in the card, be it cash or a gift certificate. I know for a fact that he thought of me.

Grandad wasn't the most affectionate person either. But what I remember of him was that he always had a smile ready for me. Usually, when I visited my grandma, Grandad was on the couch watching some kind of sport, but he always had a smile. I always knew he had a soft spot for me. I knew he looked forward to my visits. When he was moved into palliative care, he would light up when we came into the room. My visits, noisy children and all, seemed to bring him happiness.

From my grandad, I will take a kind of strength and resilience you rarely see these days. That man could withstand just about anything. He had terminal cancer, and wasn't supposed to live as long as he did, but he continued on. He was in pain, but he rarely complained. He kept pushing. In my last conversation with him, he told me that he'd be seeing lots more of me, and not to worry. The man had a collapsed lung, a broken hip and was experiencing kidney failure, but he wouldn't give up. He told me he loved me. I held his hand and cried. He had absolutely no physical strength, but wouldn't let go. He was amazingly resilient. In the end, his ailments overtook him, but I can tell you this: he fought tooth and nail.

I will take a knowledge that though he didn't really know how to show it, he loved me. He thought of me, and he enjoyed my company. I will always remember his strength.

Thanks Grandad. I hope you are at peace now.

When it Rains...

2012-01-31T09:56:00.001-08:00

Do you ever have months where everything goes wrong? Do you have times in your life that seem like the whole world is falling down around you? Well, I'm happy to say goodbye to a month like that. This January has been a very emotionally draining month for me, and I'm looking forward to an easier, more exciting February. It WILL be good. It has to be, because quite frankly, I'm done with emotional stress.

It seems like that old saying, "When it rains, it pours" is so incredibly accurate. I've talked to more than one person that has had a month like this, and what a way to start a new year! I am determined to have a spectacular year, but it's going to have to start with February. January doesn't count. I'm going to pretend that it never happened (well, not really, but I want to wipe the slate clean and start my year now). In February, there are, of course, things I am still dealing with. My grandfather passed away last weekend, and we are having his memorial. The residual emotional turmoil from other issues in my life isn't completely resolved, but I am adamant that it will be, and everyone involved will be better for it. I won't accept anything less.

I realize that I am not completely in control of my circumstances, but I am completely in control of my reactions to them. I can't control other people, their feelings, their problems, but I can most definitely control myself. And I intend to.

So, what can I look forward to in February? Well, first is my daughter's seventh birthday. I can't believe I have a seven year old! But she is remarkable, and I am excited to celebrate it. Next, I've got more motivation to do fun and exciting things in my day home, and after a very long time of feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed, I am ready to step it up a notch and do my job even better than before. (Maybe it's the sunshine?) Lastly, I am going on a vacation with some of my very best girl friends at the end of the month, and I am so excited I can hardly stand it! Talk about a necessary break! I think it will be just what I need, and the anticipation of it is just as good. I got my passport in the mail last week (no, I didn't have one!) and I just about jumped out of my skin! I literally jumped up and down, and screamed with excitement. I did. I just about kissed the mailman, and that's the truth.

The one thing I know about life is that after having a month like I just did, there is bound to be a light at the end of the tunnel, to quote another cliche. Things have been so stressful that there just has to be an end, and I truly think it is in sight. I look forward to saying goodbye to January. Good riddance!

Memoriam

2012-01-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

There isn't usually a day that goes by that I don't think of something that reminds me of my mom. Today marks the sixteenth anniversary of her passing, and it's honestly no easier now than it was then. The shock of it is gone; the instant you hear the news and can actually hear your heart crack, that is gone, but the pain it leaves behind is still the same. It is more acute some days than others, but even though the heart heals, the scars will always remain.

I have now lived more than half my life without a mother. This is something I know I'm not alone in. It is a hard cold fact that people die. Most of the time life seems to be cut short, unfinished. Rarely do we see someone pass and can say they were done living. Is anyone ever really done living? My great grandmother died at the age of 103 a few years ago, and I'm sure she would have said she still had more living to do if given the opportunity. It seems pretty unfair, that death can take us any time, but most days I look at that as a reminder that I need to live.

Today I received a message from a dear friend, and she quoted my mother's last words to me. My mom asked me to take care of her flowers (she had received many during her hospital stay), and my friend told me that I was doing exactly that, with ALL her flowers. Instant tears, let me tell you. We leave behind so much when we go from this world, don't we? My children are my mother's legacy, and her mother before her and her mother before her. It is the lessons we teach our children and the love we spread on to people that gets passed along, and for my mom, it was boundless. Her love was huge. Another friend told me that Catholics believe all people who have passed on to Heaven are looking down on us and praying for us - petitioning on our behalf to God that we might have the best lives we can. I kind of like that belief. It is quite comforting.

The thing about today is that it really makes me remember, oddly enough, not to live my life in mourning. Because I can, because I have breath, because I wake up each and every day, I have to live, and live in happiness. Another great friend of mine (wow, I have some amazing people in my life!) has told me a few times that happiness is a choice, and I completely agree. And overall, I do choose to be happy. I go through periods of time when sadness can be quite overwhelming, but in the long run, happiness is what I choose. I haven't come through all I have experienced to be unhappy. I'm sure everyone else on the planet can agree. We all have hard times. We all experience tragedies. We all go through periods of time when sadness or negative emotions overtake us. This is the human experience. The important thing is what we do with those experiences. I've had my fair share of hard times. Right now is actually a hard time, but when push comes to shove (I love that phrase, and it's so cliche), I will always choose happiness over my hardship.

My mom would be very proud of what she left behind. She would see the strength her daughters have, and know she had a hand in that. She would look at my sister, her baby, and know that even though she only had her for six years, she shaped this woman in the most significant ways. I see my mom in my sister every day, and it is the most beautiful and encouraging thing. My mom was a fiery, passionate, loving, strong, crazy woman, and I am thankful for my fourteen years with her. I am thankful for what she taught me, how she lived despite her difficult circumstances, and for the fact that I never once in my life doubted that she loved me.

Being Real

2012-01-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

Last time I wrote about the emotional roller coaster I've been on all month. Ever feel up and down all at the same time? Today, I woke up sick, sad, restless, angry, anxious...all those wrapped up into one. I couldn't even stand the smell of the toast I made my kids for breakfast. And now, I have had news that my grandfather may possibly make it through this scare and live a little longer. I went and said goodbye to him last weekend, honestly believing I'd never see him again and now, possibly, he has some more time. Talk about up and down! Every time the phone rings I think it's my dad calling to tell me the grim news, and then I get some positive news. All the while, I'm still feeling incredibly down because of other circumstances in my life, but I'm happy to hear that I may see my grandad again after all. I'm happy for my dad and my uncle and that this can possibly relieve some of their stress. But I just can't shake this cloud that's hanging over me.

It's so important to be truthful about your feelings, and this is something I struggle with all the time. I can't mope around all day, it's just not realistic. But at this moment I just feel the need to be real. We can't keep feelings bottled up inside - it's destructive and hurtful. That's why I haven't been able to eat all week long; why my body feels not right. It's the stress of everything happening all around me, and the fact that I don't feel like I can let it out most of the time. So...here it is. I am ridiculously sad; more sad than I've been in years. And I'm exhausted. I want to just lay in bed and make the whole world go away for a while. I want people to stop wanting things from me. I want to be selfish and forget about everything else, wallowing in my sadness and pain. But, I can't, and obviously I won't. Being a mother, wife, and all other labels assigned to me doesn't permit that kind of thinking or behavior. Thus the sickness and stress. I want to self-destruct, but I know very well that it's not an option. I just don't know how to get out from under this cloud, you know?

My mom always told me to look at the bright side. Maybe that would help. But sometimes I just don't want to. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. I have a beautiful family, my sister and I are close, I have a husband who fights for me and wants me more than anyone else, I have kids who are incredibly sweet, smart, beautiful, kind, funny, crazy. I have good health, I have good friends, I have a good job. But...I feel like at any moment that could all slip away from me. I feel like some things that are so important to me are just so far out of reach, and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I should fight or let things be. I don't know if I should pray, cry, or what. There's the rational side of me that tells me to shake this feeling, and get on with things...to bury my sadness in work, which is my usual mode of dealing with things. But the emotional side of me just wants to break.

So there it all is, on the page. I always want to be real, no matter what. The great thing about what I'm going through right now is that I know I will get through it. I've been through worse, unfortunately, and I survived. I know I'll survive this and get back to my normal self, eventually. This is life. And it's never been easy, so why one earth would I expect it to start now?

Emotional Roller Coaster

2012-01-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster?

I know the term is over-used and cliche, but it exactly describes where my head has been in the past few weeks. My last post was about dealing with loss, and that is still something I am actively dealing with a few days later, of course. But I'm also everywhere emotionally. I find that in alone moments, at some points, I feel the crushing weight of everything and I break down in tears. And then I breathe, or distract myself, or push them down and move on with my day. It's all so exhausting. When I'm around people, I'm happy. I maybe even over compensate for my extreme sadness with extreme happiness on the outside. None but those closest to me (or those random people on the internet reading this blog) know what I actually feel like on the inside, and that too is exhausting. The nature of my job doesn't permit me to just break down. I have five kids to take care of, and they can't see me go to pieces in front of them. They have needs that absolutely have to be met, so I can't just curl up into a ball and go to sleep. So, I find that what's on the outside is truly not reflecting what's on the inside...pretty much ever. I am so incredibly good at faking it.

Today I feel a little better than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before. I think it's because I'm once again getting used to my sadness. It's settling in and becoming more comfortable. It will come and go in waves of intensity, but for the most part it's just lingering there under the surface, and because it's getting more familiar, it's easier to hide. This isn't really a great practice, but life makes it somewhat necessary. I can feel the effect of all this inner turmoil on my body. I haven't felt like eating a whole lot all week, and when I do eat, I generally feel sick. I have been pretty much forcing myself to eat, because obviously I can't starve, but it's been tough. Stress is physically manifested in our bodies, and man do I ever feel it! I'll be happy when this month is over, let me tell you. I want my life to go back to normal.

Life tends to have the worst timing for me. When one thing goes wrong, everything else seems to as well. Maybe it's because things are already hard to deal with, so other things get to you more. Who knows? But honestly, I'm kind of tired of it. However, there's nothing that can be done for it but to just get through it in tact, which I'm entirely confident I will do. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, life continues and we continue. Sadness doesn't have to consume. It does eventually have to be dealt with, it has to be felt, it has to be cried out, but it doesn't have to win. And for me, it won't.

So today my focus is to just get through. Focus on what has to be done, dealt with and felt. Move along. Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

I don't want a roller coaster today.

Dealing With Loss

2012-01-09T11:54:00.001-08:00

I just had one of the hardest weekends I've had in a long time. January is a particularly hard month for me, because it commemorates the loss of my mother, now gone sixteen years on the 20th. This month always makes me think of those I've loved and lost. The list is long, and every person on it was incredibly dear to me, and played an integral part in my life. When I remember my mom in January, each of these others comes back to me as well, and the weight of it all is sometimes utterly crushing. This past weekend I went to say goodbye to my grandad, who, the doctors say, has maybe two weeks left.

I haven't ever been close with my grandad. He isn't the easiest person to know. He actually hasn't been a huge part of my life, but he is my grandfather, and I love him. The past few years I have seen him more often, and have gotten to know him a little differently. We've known for a long time that he is not going to be with us much longer, but now it is close and I am admittedly having a hard time with it.

When I saw him, I didn't know what to say. He was in and out of sleep, and I couldn't really understand a lot of what he said. But I did spend some time alone with him, and I held his hand and I let him see me cry. I told him I loved him, and he said it back. I hugged him. He said I'd see him lots more. I said goodbye.

The hospital he is in is the place I said goodbye to my mom. Talk about bad timing. I can't go there and not instantly see her, in that bed, losing her battle. So yeah, this was a hard weekend. And there were many other things I was dealing with as well - life stuff that I won't go into detail about - that just made everything significantly harder. I absolutely lost it a few times; went to pieces. I allowed myself to fall apart completely, and that's important.

The thing that is hitting home the most right now is that we all die. I know that sounds morbid and negative, but I don't mean it that way. I mean that we are here for such a finite amount of time that we need to spend every moment with that in mind. I am feeling more strongly than ever that my time needs to be spent with the people I love. While I have difficulties with my professional life, right now I am so thankful that I am home all day, every day with my precious children. There is truly nothing better, and I don't want to be anywhere else. How many women can stay at home with their kids and still make good money? I work hard, but I am here, and I am thankful. My sister lives with me. What a huge blessing that is! I get to see her every single day, and there have been times in my life when I wasn't sure that would happen again. Now, I get to see her face and hear her voice all the time, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it's really real. And my husband; we've been together eleven years. He's solid, dependable, and I know he will always be there while he is able. We are all going to die. Every one of us. This is a reality. But we are not dead yet, and we need to get that through our heads.

If not the people I love, what else is this life all about? I am at a loss. When someone you love dies, you remember the time you spent together. You remember those moments that made you love them. You remember them, and hopefully you are thankful for the time you had. I don't want a life that doesn't include every person I love. I am making it a point to purposefully spend time with people. I know it's a bit extreme, but right now nothing else in the world matters to me. I'm not going to pretend that I'm completely okay. I am having a really hard time. But that's not such a bad thing. It's not our circumstances that matter, it's what we do with them.

A Crazy Holiday and a New Year

2012-01-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

It is January 3rd, in a brand new year. Today I am back to work, and I find myself reflecting on the past year, and thinking about my hopes for this new one. With a new year, I feel like there are just so many new possibilities; so much potential.

This past year has been one difficult year! I've written a lot of it already: my husband going to college, changing over my day home from private to licensed, moving. But it has also had a lot of great things: my sister moving in with us, my daughter starting grade one, new day home clients, reaching my weight loss goal, getting back in touch with old friends, meeting new people who've had a profound impact on me, taking a vacation, beginning to get back in touch with myself, new writing projects...and so many more. This coming year I am looking forward to having more life to enjoy and savour, and to taking the time to really connect with those I love.

There are so many life events that throw me into a spiral of reflection, and right now this is happening. This Christmas, we had an intensely busy time. We hosted a Christmas Eve dinner, traveled to a few different places and then had a New Year's get together here. I also ran around like crazy on the one and only day I had free to get my passport application in order and sent away. I feel like this holiday has had very little rest, but that's okay. It was a hectic and wonderful way to end a hectic but wonderful year. Being so busy, for some reason, always sparks my brain waves. Also, my grandad,at 80 years old is looking like he may not have a lot of time left on this earth. He has been battling cancer for the past few years, and at the moment has a broken hip along with pneumonia. The doctors say that if things don't turn around, he likely will pass away in a matter of days. While I've never been close with my grandad, the past few years I have seen him more often, and have come to know him a little differently than I did when I was a kid. I know I will be sad when he is gone, and I will feel loss. This is one of those things that makes me think too, and remember again that the people I love are what matter, and spending quality time with them is the most important thing.

This year, I have some goals. I'm not one to make resolutions, but I do think it's a good idea to set goals for myself that I can attain, with timelines and realistic expectations (you might be thinking that it's the same thing...but I am adamant that it's NOT). Some of my goals this year are:

1) Finish the first draft of my novel and begin the extensive background research it is going to require to make it realistic and believable.

2) Make sure my fitness and activity gets more consistent. I've been incredibly sporadic in my workouts and eating, and I really feel it, especially after a month of indulgence in all things sugary, fatty and alcoholic.

3) Purpose to spend quality time with the people in my life. If you don't purpose for this to happen, often it gets lost in the shuffle. I want to spend more time with my husband, my sister and my extended family. I want to spend more time with friends, and with myself. I want to make the most of the time I spend with my kids. (Part of this goal is taking time out from my normal life to go to Las Vegas with a group of amazing friends, and I really can't wait!)

That's pretty much it. I have to stop operating in burn out mode and start living to my fullest. I have to really make the most of the time I have here, because there is absolutely no way of knowing how much of it I have. I can't come to the end of my life having missed time with a single person, or having been so frivolous with my time that I have regrets. I want everything good that this life has to offer, and I'm going to have it.

Are you?

Christmas! Craziness!

2011-12-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

It feels like forever since I posted here! I have been ridiculously busy (well, it's December, haven't we all?). I can't believe Christmas is less than a week away. It's a little surreal. I've been anticipating it this year, trying to be ready before the day of, trying to be organized and all of that, but to my intense chagrin, I am none of the above. I just got home from buying mountains of stocking stuffers, and I don't think I have everything I need for everyone just yet. Not that it's that big of a deal, but, the perfectionist in me just wants everything I want. I know that if certain things don't make their way under the tree this year, it will be alright. The world will not end. The kids will still be happy. We will all be together, and that's the greatest gift of all.

This Christmas is extra special for me this year (and for all of us). I'm sure I have mentioned before that my sister moved in with us this August, and this is our first Christmas morning together since we were kids. I'm so excited! I find that I have to stop and pinch myself once in a while (figuratively...I wouldn't actually pinch myself...ouch!) so that I know all the amazing things in my life are actually real. Things I have wanted for so long are finally happening, and the payoff is fantastic. I love that both my girls get the whole Christmas thing now, I love that this will be my eleventh Christmas with my husband, and we are still crazy about each other, I love that I have so many people to see and so many things to do this holiday season. It's going to be a mad rush until the new year now, but it's so worth it. We'll be traveling and traveling and visiting, eating, cooking, laughing, not sleeping...but it will be worth every single moment. These are the kinds of times that create memories that last forever. I feel a stupid lot of stress about everything, but at the same time, I am elated about every single thing happening right now. I love Christmas!

Some of my most vivid and special memories happened at Christmas. I remember my mom always picking out the cutest Charlie Brown Christmas trees, and the whole family taking a day to decorate it while we listened to her favorite Christmas music (Neil Diamond...a tradition I continue because I love it). I remember huge family gatherings at Grandma's house, and later at my aunts' houses with all of my cousins and it being crazy hectic to get us all in the same room for a picture. I remember the huge stockings my mom made for our family - my sister still has hers and it's hanging up next to the tree. I remember the smell of her baking, and condensed milk, and candied fruit, sugar and chocolate. I remember quiche and mimosas for breakfast (of course, we kids just had orange juice), and there always being one special thing under the tree that stayed unwrapped for us to find right away. I remember my mom's laughter as she lived Christmas spirit through the whole season. This time of year is the stuff that makes all that warmth continue to live on in us. This time of year is where some of my most poignant memories have been formed, and I hope to give the same thing to my own kids now.

I hope my kids will remember Christmas as the time when we saw everyone; the time when we made a point to spend quality time with the people we love, with family, friends and each other. I want them to remember the sound of Neil Diamond blaring as we drink hot chocolate and decorate the tree. I hope they remember smiles, laughter, the smell of turkey and baking gingerbread men. I hope they remember the love that drips from each moment of Christmas.

I hope you create some special memories this Christmas! Merry Christmas everyone!

Life, Moments, and the Journey

2011-11-29T13:07:00.001-08:00

Isn't life weird? I mean, honestly, are you where you envisioned yourself ten years ago? I know I'm not. I am not even close to where I planned I would be, but, I am happy. But that's beside the point. My point is that life is strange. It takes you so many different places, and if you're not present in the proverbial "now" you'll miss out on the journey. And that's what it's all about now, isn't it? The journey? I'm sure many would say that the destination is what matters, not how you got there, but the getting there is the best part. Getting there is how you grow and learn. Getting there is full of twists and turns, love and heartache, tears, pain, joy, sorrow, exuberance...you get the idea. The journey to our final destination, whatever and wherever that may be, is what we call life. So, if you're focusing only on your goal, your end, your destination, then, are you living? Are you really finding those moments in life that make it worth being alive?

I am a planner. My whole life I've been someone who looks ahead to the next great thing. I look for destinations, I set goals, I take steps and I reach them. I am impatient for the passing of time. I am always imagining what it will be like when I reach said goals. But the thing is, that when I actually get there, I am rarely satisfied and always planning for that next thing. What is up with that? I am an achiever, yes. But I have to just stop sometimes and see right now for what it is. Right now is made up of all those amazing moments that make life. And, in very little time, life can completely change. I've seen this time and time again. In the blink of an eye, life changes. Like when someone you love passes on to their next life. Or when you fall in love. For me, these two tings have certainly happened, more than once. Life is never the same after such an event. When my mom passed away, obviously, my life changed utterly and completely. Since then, I have seen many people pass on from this life, and each time, I have been changed irreparably. Life is not the same without the people you care about in it.

Falling in love is also one of those complete life changers, and for me, it's generally a knee jerk reaction. When I was a kid, I loved so many people fiercely and intensely, and each time, it was like I was punched in the gut one moment. I still carry that love with me to this day. It will never go away. Ever. It still happens like that. Within two weeks of casually dating my husband, I knew I was completely in love with him. I even remember saying, out loud, that I would marry him. And I did. It's like that with friends too. When I meet someone I connect with, it's instant. For my part, I usually know who I am going to be close with and who I am not going to pursue a relationship with. In the past five years, it's definitely been a tricky thing for me, but I have begun opening up a lot more to the people around me and I'm just falling in love with people all over again, or for the first time. It's just as intense and fierce as it ever was. My heart is like, "Hi, I'm Dara. And, I will love you forever. So there." It's a funny thing. But if I hadn't taken time out of my planned, busy, scheduled life, I would never have had opportunity to meet either my husband or my dear friends who I cherish so much. Does that make sense? It's taking a few moments to stop, and look at what is around you. It's seeing the journey, and adding things to it that make it so rich.

The richness of life is absolutely astounding. I am always flat broke, but I have so much more than money. I am incredibly wealthy! I sometimes forget; I get so wrapped up in the schedule and the goals (like how I'm stupidly impatient about getting my Master's) that I can miss those special moments that make life, the wonderful journey that it is, worth while. Like those magic moments I talked about in my last post, it's the journey that you're on right now that makes life. While we have to adhere to the 9-5 life our society has put in place, to a certain extent anyway, we can still take notice of the journey we're on and make sure we're making it worth while. I struggle sometimes with the fact that I want to be taking my Master's, moving into writing in a more professional capacity, teaching at colleges and universities etcetera, but I know that the life I am living right at this moment is insanely rich. What's more is that the richness just keeps on getting deeper and more vast with each new relationship I make (or re-make, as the case may be), with each moment I spend with my children, my husband, my sister, my father, my family, my dear friends...I could go on and on. You get the idea.

So my friends, here's to the journey. This life we've been given is insanely awesome, full of good and bad, full of happy and sad, anger, and joy. Don't miss it by only being able to focus on the future. While I am certainly in favor of planning for your future, setting goals and taking steps to get what you want and go where you want, I also recognize how important it is to take stock of your journey from time to time, and to make sure you're making the most of each moment. When the moment is gone, all that is left is a memory. Make it a good and lasting one.

Building Dreams

2011-11-17T08:38:00.001-08:00

Have you ever taken a look at your life and realized that you just want more? I've been doing this for as long as I've been writing this blog, and indeed for my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't want something more, something further, something bigger. I am always striving for bigger and better things, and quite frankly, I am exhausted, frustrated and I don't have time. It's hard when you can't have what you want when you want it. Waiting, as you know, is not my strength.

Yesterday I started looking into Master's programs at various universities around me. The first thing I thought of was Athabasca University, because it is all online and suits my lifestyle. If I could do an online program, I could still work and could possibly even start sooner than I had anticipated. I have at least 3 years before my two year old starts school, and so I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to wait at least that long. But I started to get my hopes up thinking that if I could do something online, I could just take one course at a time until I have more free time.

My hopes were crushed when I discovered Athabasca doesn't have what I'm looking for. They have integrated degrees, where you get a more well rounded approach and have to take courses outside your field of study. This is something I definitely don't want. I want my M.A. in English, and I don't want to take anything else. I have already done that! I attended at liberal arts university for my B.A. and I took plenty of courses that had nothing to do with English, thank you very much. I am not going back to school just to get a piece of paper. I am going back because I have a serious love affair with the written word and I just need more of it in my life. I want to be immersed in it, spend hours in old libraries smelling the worn pages of old books and just write. So, it looks like this dream is still on hold. I am in no position to do an on campus program right now, and besides, I just don't have the time just yet. It's frustrating!

I just want! This dream of going back to school has been growing in my gut for a while now, but with each passing day it is becoming more and more tangible. I know that three years will go by quickly, but honestly, I am just so impatient! I have a long road ahead of me. I don't just want a Master's degree; I want a Doctorate as well, and I know that one is way out of my reach, especially from where I am now. I look at my life, what I am doing, and what I want and it all seems so incongruent. I am immersed in early childhood education, babies, babies, babies and being a homemaker. I've written before about how I really didn't see myself in this position, and how it has been difficult coming to terms with where I am as opposed to where I want to be. I still feel this way, but I also understand that this is the time I am in, and that is okay. But I still want more, and I always will.

Aside from all this dreaming of going back to school, I have been doing A LOT of writing, which makes my heart so happy. I have been working on two separate writing/editing projects, and I have been inspired lately to write more poetry, which in the world of literature is my first love. Here's a link to my other blog where I am exploring some of that work: http://darasotherside.blogspot.com/

The important thing I need to keep in mind when I am going crazy with all this wanting is that I will have it when the time comes. For now, I realize that I need to be in the present, watching my kids grow and mature and caring for them the best way I know how. Building dreams keeps me motivated and sane, and helps me remember that I am still my own person in the midst of all these little people and household chores. So, what's your dream? Are you pursuing it today? Or are you like me, waiting, and watching the clock?

Finding the Magic

2011-11-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up in the small crises in my life. At this point, I find that I am easily stressed, and I realize I need some better ways of coping. My stress doesn't just affect me. I have my kids, my family, and my day home to think about when I am trying to deal with it. And believe me, it takes a lot of effort sometimes. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So lately I have been trying to take a step outside of myself a little more often. I have been trying to notice things that make me smile, or calm me down or make me think of something other than my stress. I have been attempting to find those magic moments throughout my day that make all this craziness I call life worth while.

There are so many moments throughout the day that can get lost if I let them. If I let my tunnel vision get the best of me, I miss the sweet stuff. Like a couple weeks ago, my two year old started the day off with a song and dance, accompanied by purposeful falling down and cheering. She did it for about five minutes straight, and I am so glad I didn't miss it. I actually recorded it, and watching it again and again makes my heart warm. It was the sweetest, funniest little moment, and it totally made my morning. It was magical.

There are so many magic moments if we just stop and try to see them. In my life, the things that stress me tend to crowd out those amazing little life moments, but I am more determined than ever to see them through it all. It takes purposeful looking. So, I purposefully look. I am not perfect at this, but I do try. It is a process, and something I have to train myself to do. For example, the other day my two year old and a child in my day home were playing with moonsand at the table. I knew going in that my daughter was going to make a huge mess (I can't stand messes, and it makes me crazy when my kids are messy, but they are kids, so I have to chill), and I told myself that going in. I gave her a very small amount of sand, hoping that it would make clean up later on a little easier. Not the case. She got the stuff everywhere. And I don't just mean all over the floor. She thought it would be a good idea to rub it on her cheeks, put it in her mouth, hair, and just generally grind it into every exposed piece of skin. If you've ever seen moonsand, you know it's not regular sand that you can just brush off. It sticks together when pressed and you can actually build things with it - and I found out that it's difficult to wipe off of a toddler's cheeks when she has rubbed it in so vigorously. As I was beginning to get really frustrated and annoyed at myself for allowing her to play with this stuff (because really, it wasn't her fault), I had to just stop and look at her face. It was covered in red sand and looked hilarious. She was so, so cute. That's a little bit of magic right there. She was just so precious sitting there covered in sand and smirking.

Another example from my two year old involves yet another mess. I don't know if I have adequately expressed how much I hate messes, but it causes me a great deal of anxiety...I don't know why. We were eating out, and had had a very long day. A friend had come to meet us and this was her first experience with my kids. Of course, when you want them to behave, they just don't. My little toddler, in her delirious exhaustion, took her juice box and squeezed it onto her head. It pooled all over the bench and into her jeans (which she had to sit in the whole two hour drive home because I didn't pack spares). It got all over her and all over everything else. At this point, I was freaking out on the inside. I was also pretty tired, and just didn't have the energy to deal with her craziness. I made a decision at that moment to see the humor in the situation instead of freaking out (which would be the usual response). Picturing it now makes me smile - her little hands holding this juice box poised above her head, mischievous smile on her face, and then juice pouring everywhere - absolutely hilarious! That's a moment I won't soon forget. That was magic. I'm so glad I could see it.

I try hard to look for those magical moments. They can be just about anything; being hugged at some unexpected moment, my kids randomly doing sweet things, like saying "I love you" or when my six year old randomly announced at lunch time the other day, "You're the best mom I could ever have." It could be hearing from someone you care about, being told you're thought of, or simply looking out the window at the gorgeous fall leaves. Whatever magic is around, it is usually easily missed, if you're not looking.

Patience, anyone?

2011-11-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

I am almost always introspective. I find it so important to understand my motivations for my behavior and thought patterns, because so often, they are not beneficial for me. If I can't recognize my motivations, and think about myself in an objective way, then I cannot change. I believe we should always be working on bringing out our best selves, in order to live our best lives. Why settle for anything less than best? This is the only life we have (that we can know of for sure), so why would we strive for mediocre? That is why I push myself so hard to do things that I love, like writing, even though my life is so busy.

I find it very easy to get wrapped up in things. If I find something worth my time, I want to put all my energy into it. This tends to throw me out of whack! I want a balanced life, but in reality, I have anything but. I keep on piling things into my packed life because I am forever wanting more, and I am always restless. There are things I want to pursue, and suffice to say that patience is not one of my virtues. Waiting for things doesn't come easily for me, so I jump in and try to do as much as possible at any give time. Now, while I realize that my motivations behind it are that I have desires, drive and even a need to go after the things I want out of life, I also understand that this kind of living doesn't help with balance.

I have been trying to figure out this whole balance thing forever. I sincerely wish that I didn't require sleep, or that the days were longer and I had more time. There are so many things I want! So, I just keep piling things on. The bags under my eyes are a sure sign that I am not finding balance. What can I do though? I suppose I should work on patience...but the things I want, I want them now. Once I get an idea in my head, I have an insane need to set it into motion and make it happen. My head is so full of ideas and aspirations and wants and needs that sometimes I think it might explode! Not to mention the fact that there are some very important people who need me. And I sincerely love to be needed.

So, amidst nine to ten hour work days, weekends that are frenzied and full, and people who I want to give my time and energy to, there is my writing, my fitness, my education, and maybe a little bit of fun to try and fit into my life. I hate waiting, but fully understand that now is not a good time to start my Master's degree (even though I am jumping out of my skin with wanting!!). I have put my own novel on hold to work on other, more immediately lucrative projects, because there is just no time to get it done right now, unless I want to not sleep ever (and, considering what we know about me and no sleep, we know that's a bad idea). Plus, I wouldn't be able to produce quality writing anyways. So, right now in my introspective state, I am working on patience. I think I'll always have to work on it, but I recognize that I am severely lacking in this department. So many things need to wait, because I just don't have the time or energy to do them all.

On the plus side of this patience struggle is the fact that I actually have desire and drive. I spent a long time being wrapped up in the monotony of daily life and losing myself in the caring for others that I had no drive to grow myself. I forgot what it was like to want things for me, for so incredibly long. In the past, I have wanted things to prove that I was okay; that I was surviving. Now, I want things because I just want them. This life is it. This is what we have, right now, today, and I don't want to waste any of it. I love that I have found passion again (even though it makes me crazy with impatience!). Passion and patience don't go together well, but I'd rather feel this bursting need than nothing at all.

Life is so good. What are you feeling passionate or impatient about today?

Worst. Day. Ever.

2011-10-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today will probably go down as one of the worst I have had in a very long time. I can't form a coherent thought that isn't attached to some kind of over the top emotion. I can't keep my eyes open. I can't eat, drink, sit, stand, anything. I'm a mess! And you know what it all boils down to? Not sleeping.

Okay, so I've written before about my relationship with sleep. I don't get enough, and I am very well aware of it. I feel it. I rely on caffeine and being stupidly busy to make me forget my tiredness, but it is always there in the back of my mind. It's pretty bad when you can't sit down without your eyes closing. It's even worse when you're falling asleep while your child reads to you, or when you're trying to have a conversation. Today is the culmination of something in my life that is going to eventually destroy my attempts at healthy living. I literally did not sleep last night. I laid in bed with my eyes closed for hours upon hours, attempting to shut off my brain. If I did slip into a little bit of a snooze, I dreamed about what my mind was churning over and I woke up promptly. Then the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. to send my husband to work, and I realized I had lain awake the entire night. Luckily, I did sleep between 5:30 and 7:00 a.m. but was awoken as soon as my alarm went off, which is a good sign it wasn't a deep sleep.

Today I am wrecked. Because I am so exhausted (which is an understatement), my emotions are at an all time "crazy". This is how I get when I'm tired. Any little thing that happens to me affects me so much more profoundly because of my tiredness. I am a very emotional person, and so feeling things more intensely is definitely difficult. If I'm sad, which today I admittedly am, it consumes my thoughts entirely. It affects me more than just in an emotional way. My sadness will permeate everything around me, much more than it usually would. I can't hide it when I'm tired.

As if that's not bad enough, my body reacts to this little sleep terribly too (um, yeah, of course!). Today I have eaten a piece of fruit and a bun. I have had one cup of coffee, and not until about 1:00 p.m. because the thought of it made me want to vomit. Making toast for my kids this morning made my stomach flip. I couldn't stand up without insane nausea. And no, I'm not sick or pregnant. I have just slept too little in the past few months, and last night threw me over the edge. I really need to change something.

Moral of the story? Get some sleep. Seriously.

Ups and Downs

2011-10-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ups and downs; we all have them. I have them several times a day, as a matter of fact. I have them emotionally (it doesn't take a whole lot to set me off, especially lately for some reason), and I have them physically. Since my post in February about losing 52 pounds, I have had many ups and downs on the scale. But it has actually made me quite aware of what I have to do to maintain a healthy weight and a healthy body.

Over the summer, I gained a few pounds. The scale was at about 164 - 165 after a month of moving stress, among other things. I could see it in the mirror. I could feel it in my clothes. I was super unhappy about it. But, it has since come off and I am sticking to around 160, which seems to be my go-to weight. Now, while I can see where another ten pounds would be good to drop, I don't feel unhappy about this. I am so proud that I have been able to maintain a weight within ten pounds of what I consider the ideal weight for my body, and I am super comfortable in my skin right now. I look in the mirror, and honest to goodness, I like what I see. I am happy with myself, with my body, with my health. I don't deny myself the little indulgences that I crave, I eat a generally very healthy diet (though sometimes I forget to eat lunch, still) and I feel pretty good. The only complaint I have is in the energy department, which is due to lack of sleep, and I know it. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep, and I definitely need to remedy that problem.

So I have had minor ups and downs on the scale this year, but they have never gone up more than ten pounds, and have always come back down to something more reasonable for me. Of that, I am incredibly proud. I am certain of myself, and of my ability to be at a healthy weight for the rest of my life. I can't say that I will never be heavy again because I still battle with my emotional eating problem, but I can say that I value myself enough to know that I will always work to be healthy. I love myself enough to take care of myself, both physically and emotionally. Happiness is a choice (stole that phrase from someone, but it's true). And, instead of looking at my ups and downs with a negative perspective, I choose to be proud, happy and certain of myself.