Telling My Story- @TJZMommy

Give me a BREAK!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:34:00 +0000

I've spent most of my week at Service Canada getting the boys their passports for our Big Family Vacation at the end of March. We are literally counting down until the plane ride and our stay in Orlando with my parents and my sister's family. The boys truly have NO idea of what they are in for! Of course, I'm excited for the sun, seeing the sights through my boy's eyes and relaxing around the pool!

The great thing about going away at the end of March is the savings on airfare and accomodations, but it also means that we will be home during March Break and I will need to entertain my boys for the week and try to keep the arguments to a minimum!

I want to try some stay-at-home, FREE activities with the boys during our week together. We are trying to stick to a budget and be more creative with our time and money! We are so quick to spend a fortune on the admission costs for outings, but now we are challenging ourselves and our creativity!

1. Photo/Video Week- both of my boys LOVE to take videos and photos with my cameras. So during our STAYCATION- I'm going to give them my cameras to capture whatever "theme" they want each day. We'll print them out on our computer and make a little booklet.

2. Collect all the Kinder Toys!- Ty is on a mission to collect every single new 2012 toy and put them on display! I hope he shares his chocolate!

3. Unplugged Playdates- I'm sure many of you can relate to the playdates that are centred around the game console. The kids are not moving or interacting at all! For this week, we can have some gaming time, but when playdates are over, this will be kept to a minimum!

4. Cooking and Baking- I'm trying to be a bit more creative with our meals and even broke out the CrockPot that was given to me as an engagement gift over 12 years ago! I want the boys to help pick some receipes and participate in making the dinners. We have also been having fun creating new cereal/marshmallow treats by adding pretzels, peanut butter and using different cereals!

5. Getting Outside- Our new puppy is really fantastic, but she is NOT a great walker on her leash! Practice makes Perfect....so we just need to take her each day for a nice walk together!

PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVOURITE FREE STAYCATION IDEAS!

I've always been an "unofficial" KinderMom, buying those cute little eggs as a treat for my boys and for all of our loot bags!
Now it's official!
Don’t forget to check out the KINDER® Canada Facebook page for a peek at the 2012 toy collection, great conversation, and exclusive monthly contests through the My Kinder Moments.
This February they are giving away $500 towards the ultimate staycation!

“Disclosure: I’m part of the Kinder® Mom program and I receive special perks as part of my affiliation with this group. The opinions on this blog are my own.”

Tales of Bliss Contest

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:07:00 +0000

I'm so thrilled to be included amoung talented writers and friends in a fabulous contest run by Canadian Family magazine. During the Blissdom conference last fall, I had the pleasure of sitting in on a writing-focused panel that included CF’s editor-in-chief Jen Reynolds. She inspired me to continue writing, to make time for it and to continue to share my journey through grief. She also issued a challenge: Tell us how you found your bliss and we’ll publish the best story. I have to admit that I was struggling with that topic. The last year was so full of "bliss-less" events, how was I going to find the inspiration to write?

After a few encouraging tweets from Jen Reynolds, Karma Brown and Deb Lowther...I sat down to write.

Last week, we all heard that the Editor's Choice Winners had been selected and will be published in March's issue of Canadian Family!! I'm so honoured to know these talented and beautiful women Annabel Fitzsimmons, Andrea Tomkins and Karen Green.

In addition to the 3 winners, the magazine (and the amazing Jen) decided to run a Reader's Choice Contest called "Tales of Bliss". I am among 13 finalists all of whom, I am very proud to call friends!

So- if you have a few minutes, I'd love it if you read (and vote), not only my post, but the posts of these amazing women with who I share the page.

My post.....

A New Bliss by Heather Hamilton

Spill it!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:23:00 +0000

I'm so excited to announce that the Yummy Mummy Club has just launched an amazing new Forum on their already fabulous site!

Why do I seem so excited?

Last week I got a call from Erica to ask if I was interested in working with her team! (At that point in the call, I realized that I actually had to learn about the job first, before I yelled "YES"). She thought that I'd be great as a Forum Moderator (along with the recommendation of the amazing Sharon DV). I'd be working along side Ali Martell, the new Editor-in-Chief at YMC, when they launched their new discussion boards. It not only seemed like a perfect role, but it also was a chance to work with the YMC team and some of the most talented women that I have the priviledge of knowing!

She explained that since YMC is for mums, by mums, they wanted to create a place to get into deeper discussions or ask the questions that often get started on Twitter, Facebook or even as blog comments. This forum would be the ultimate place to "SPILL IT" on different areas of your life; Family, Sex, Fitness, Recipes, Entertainment, etc.

So, while my days are busy, I have found some incredible opportunities that allow me to do drop off and pick up for the boys. Ty and Jayden need me to be home, more than ever, but I love to be able to contribute to our family and use my marketing experience to do more! While I've stopped working weekly with Sarah at STLTO Wine, you can still find me helping my friend Candace at Name Your Tune CDs, launching a friend's safety business in Canada (Addalock), speaking about Zack's Dream Room and raising money in his honour.

I hope you can join me in the discussions over at the forum....come on, you know you want to spill it!

Is SHE really ME?

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:56:00 +0000

I was just looking at a photo taken this week (no I'm not sharing it with you) and I couldn't believe that THAT was me!

You know how some women have body dismorphic disorder and think that they are heavier than they are? I'm the opposite!

I'm actually a much thinner woman trapped in this body and so desperate to get out!

After watching Jennifer Hudson in an interview, I made the bold move to finally DO something about my health and my weight. She described how she had used food as a comfort for the stress in her life and how she had overcome the tragedies in her family by getting healthy and taking care of herself. I'm now on week 2 of Weight Watchers, trying to do Wii Fit daily and drinking enough water to keep me on the toliet for most of the day. I'm happy to report that I'm down over 5lbs! While, it is not going as fast as I'd love it to, I've totally changed my eating habits in an effort to find the ME that is dying to come out! As Ty becomes more conscious of his own body shape and his weight, I knew this was time for me to set an example for my sons. Now our family is motivating each other, eating healthier and I love having my boys as my biggest cheerleaders!

It's not like I want to be the supermodels in the magazines or even Kim Kardashian any time soon (Paul has a small crush on her)....I just want to be the ME that I used to be. I look back on those photos and I'm so desperate to be her again. Fit into some of my favourite clothes, be able to walk into stores and shop and have more confidence (see my inspiration photo below)!

Why do we have such a warped sense of our bodies? I can remember being my goal weight and feeling so much bigger than I was. I remember pulling down shirts to cover or hide a part of my body. I can remember checking myself out in every mirror. It seems so ironic that I'm now struggling to get back to that very weight! I do remember that it was a time when my clothes felt better, my closet was full of options, people complimented me on how I look and I just felt better.

So, it's begun. A new adventure on which I need to be patient and give myself time. But I'm really excited and even proud that I've started the journey back to ME!

Teaching our boys about Martin Luther King Jr.

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:29:00 +0000

This year, I feel even more connected to the significance of this day.

This year, our boys will not only read their books about civil rights, but really understand more about how far we have come.

This year, we can say we were there.

It was during our road trip this summer, that we actually got to stand in the spot where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. addressed the crowds at the March on Washington, in August of 1963. There was a tile in the steps leading up to the Lincoln Memorial, inscribed with the details from that famous speech. It was such an emotional moment to be in standing, with my black husband and beautiful biracial children in the exact position in which the history was made. I stood on the tile and looked over the fountains. The very same view that MLK had that day. It was powerful, emotional and something I will never forget.

While, Martin Luther King Day is not really celebrated in Canada, it is definitely recognized in our house. We even have decorations that I bring out every year. They consist of paper dolls holding hands, made from many shades of construction paper. I also have printed activities to do when the boys get home and our Black History books are waiting for another read about the laws that existed before we were born.

Our boys know that this is the day when we recognize one of the most significant figures in the fight for equality among Blacks and Whites. As you might assume, we often discuss skin colour in our house. Our boys see themselves as "brown", a perfect combination of both their dad and of me. They also know, that according to the old laws, they would have been seen as "coloured" and not white, like their mommy. When we talk about race and history, it is a difficult subject for them to relate to. Thankfully, they haven't experienced prejudice and segregation. One way, we have tried to relate these experiences to our boys, is to explain that part of MLK's dream was that brown children could attend the same schools as their white friends and drink from the same fountains. Even at four years old, Jayden can understand that he and his buddy Austin would not have been able to be in school together.

While on vacation, we also had the chance to see the most spectacular exhibits on slavery and on RACE at the Smithsonian in Washington. Seeing the displays and reading the old laws relating to race, made such a powerful impact on both our children and on us. Ty was amazed to see the actual signs from "Whites Only" swimming pools and read the laws that existed long before his time. He couldn't believe that a white woman could have been thrown in prison for having a child with a man of colour! My sons learned that day, that their parents would not have been legally able to be married and could have been put in jail for falling in love! What a lesson to learn about how far we have come!

Take some time today to start the discussion on race and civil rights, in your home. If you haven't already, tell your children who Martin Luther King Jr. was and what his role has meant in THEIR lives and in the lives of their friends.

Starting the dialogue with your kids is a great way to help perpetuate the Dream of tolerance and freedom for all children.

If I close my eyes

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:50:00 +0000

I was lying in bed, with my eyes closed, dreaming of Zack this morning....it inspired this post.

If I close my eyes, I can feel your arms around my neck, even though it is your twin brother holding me tightly.

If I close my eyes, I can picture you at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to carry you in my arms to play.

If I close my eyes, I can see the scars across your chest showing me the ways in which you were brave.

If I close my eyes, I can hear your squeals of laughter when we used to pretend to sneeze just for you.

If I close my eyes, I can hold your hand feeling the two bent fingers that made you, you.

If I close my eyes, I can hear your cries in the middle of the night.

If I close my eyes, we are rocking softly together and falling asleep in our rocking chair.

If I close my eyes, I can see you sucking your tongue and watching your silly brothers.

If I close my eyes, I can hear you humming "Elmo's World".

If I close my eyes, I can feel the heat of your body against me when you had a horrible fever and you wanted to be next to me.

If I close my eyes, I can hear you say "mumumumumum" just for me.

If I close my eyes, you are sitting once again at our table and feeding yourself pudding like a big boy!

If I close my eyes, I'm still trying to count your millions of long eyelashes.

If I close my eyes, you are racing along the sidewalk on your red car, squealing as I try to catch you.

If I close my eyes, you are looking at me with complete and utter love...and it makes me cry.

If I close my eyes, you are still here.

I'll carry you in my heart

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 03:16:00 +0000

I'll Carry You In My Heart

Why He takes the little ones I swear I'll never know You had so much life to live It just wasn't time to go. For comfort, now, I think of you With tiny little wings Up above, in a beautiful place, Listening to angels sing.

You'll never know the pain I feel The hurt you left behind Oh, what I wouldn't give to hold you just one more time... I carried you in my womb, Then I carried you in my arms And now, until it no longer beats I'll carry you in my heart...

-Jan Todd

The most wonderful time of the year?

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:51:00 +0000

I'm not sure if it is the time of year or in fact the normal process of time passing and reality setting in, that has made the last month unbearable for both Paul and me.

For the last 3 years, I have spent the weeks leading up to Christmas searching online for the best toys for Zack to not only bring joy to his life, but to help him develop a new skill! I spent hours last year, ordering the accessories and bedding for what would have been his Elmo Room. I bought the perfect comforter, wall stickers and even a personalized pillowcase (that would be later used for the pillow of his casket). Our other boys could clearly tell us what they would like for Christmas, but I felt such excitement and stress making sure that I picked what Zack would want, as he couldn't tell me.

Everything is hard these days.

I've kept shopping to a minimum...for so many reasons this year. Instead, we have chose a few special toys and I made Ty and Jayden each a photo album all about them. I wanted them to have a place to go to see themselves as babies and little boys as well as a place to see our memories with Zack. I made each boy a special page of photos of them with Zack. It was so emotionally draining to go through these photos, but I know it will be something that they will cherish. I reviewed a page with Ty and he started to cry. "Maybe Zack died because I wasn't a good brother". My heart broke, as I went through all of the amazing photos in which Zackie was looking up at his big brother with adoring eyes. I explained that if he ever questioned that again, all he needed to do was look at these photos to see how much he was loved by Zack. While I knew this might be hard to see now, I know that both boys will need a place to go to see their memories with Zack. I made pages of Christmases in the past with presents, stockings and the usual Christmas morning chaos. I included photos of my three sons with Santa....with the glaring reality that this year's photo has just two of my boys.

Christmas was also the time when I became even more aware than usual, of the great miracle that was Zack's life. He truly has always been an example of God's best work and of His power to create miracles on earth. Each Christmas I would buy a special ornament for the tree, that would remind us of that; "Hope", "Miracle", "Believe" or "Faith". For it was these traits that got us through each year. We need those more than ever now, but I just can't bring myself to look at those decorations.

I have always been a huge lover of all things Christmas! The radio in my car would be tuned to the all Christmas station on December 1st and I would bug Paul to always get the lights and the tree out long before it was necessary. Our tree was so incredibly meaningful; ornaments given to me a child, given to the boys, ornaments that I helped put on my grandfather's tree the year after my grandmother died and of course special decorations from our own family trips. This year, I can't listen to any Christmas song that used to make me dance and sing and I struggled to even open the decorations for Christmas but put out the minimum required to allow the boys to feel that we had "decorated". There is no tree this year. Paul and I just can't put up the tree and include all of the ornaments with Zack' name. Our amazing boys seem to understand.

We also had a difficult decision to make to avoid as much tradition as we could this year, and we've decided to go to Chicago for a few days at Christmas. I think we felt that doing Christmas the way it has always been done, in a year that is so incredibly different, would be horribly sad. Paul has planned such a fun and family oriented trip, with skating, tree lighting at the Chicago Zoo and even Christmas baking with the chef at the hotel! Now we are counting down the days until we can just spend some much needed family time, just the 4 of us together, reflect on the year, laugh a little, cry a little and feel Zackie's presence in our Christmas Day.

Off to see The Muppets, thanks to Empire Theatres!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:07:00 +0000

Today we actually have NOTHING to do...when does that ever happen? So, we are hitting the movies! We've all been looking forward to some family time to go see The Muppets together!

Paul and I grew up watching The Muppets each week, and we recently bought the first season of The Muppet Show for the kids to watch! It's so nostalgic seeing all the old celebrities (Jim Nabors and Florence Henderson) and hearing the "adult" humour that we obviously didn't understand as kids.

We are a movie-loving family and for every occasion, we ask for gift cards to see movies. Our local theatre is Empire Theatres (about 5 minutes away) and we choose this theatre because it is not only local, but I also find their prices of admission and snacks, much more reasonable.

Every Christmas, we buy movie tickets for my 20-something nieces and nephews...this year, I'm going to give them twice the value with this Empire Deal (details below)! I'm also going to give this gift to Ty's teacher who just had a baby...he and and wife could surely use some excuses to get out and have a date!

In addition to this deal, Empire Theatres is running Toy Drive with the Salvation Army at all of their locations. Today, we will be bringing an unwrapped toy to be given to a child in time for Christmas.

For $30, I can give them a $30 gift card to use anytime and another $30 in coupons to use throughout the winter! Who wouldn't want this gift?

Buy this Holiday Gift online or visit any Empire Theatres location.

Coupon Bundle includes:

o BOGO Admission {January 9 - January 31, 2012}

o $2.00 off any Combo - excluding Kid’s Pack {January 9 - January 31, 2012}

o $9.99 Admission, Regular Drink, Small Popcorn {February 1 - February 29, 2012}
o Buy a Large Popcorn, get a Large Drink Free (March 1 - March 31, 2012}
o $6.99 General Admission {March 1 - March 31, 2012}
o Get $4.00 off a General Admission Ticket {April 1 - April 30, 2012}

Give the gift of entertainment this Christmas.
Follow Empire Theatres on Twitter and Like them on Facebook

Disclosure: I won these gift certificates in a contest from Mom Central Canada. I agreed to write a post about my experience and the amazing Holiday offer. I have always been a loyal Empire Cinemas patron.

Build it and they will fund.....

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 21:01:00 +0000

I was asked to attend a York Central Hospital Foundation board meeting, to inspire the Major Gifts Team to go out and find donors to fund the remaining 3 pediatric rooms. The hospital has 6 pediatric rooms, of which, one of them is our Zack's Dream Room funding by our amazingly generous friends and family! I was so proud to announce to the members of the board, that we have currently raised just over $43,000 in Zackie's honour!

What I learned is that each room needs $25,000 to be completely renovated (the rooms are still in the original 1973 form with very few changes made over the years). It was during our meeting that I also learned that the $25,000 includes all new equipment; monitors, beds, sleeper beds for parents and new cribs in rooms that currently have them.

After the meeting, my plan was to meet with the foundation staff to discuss the progress of Zack's Room and what the remaining $18000 that has been raised, would be used for. Initially, the excess funds were to be allocated to replacing the old metal cribs with state-of-the-art cribs. As it now turns out, the $25,000 budget for each room INCLUDES a crib! So the need is no longer there. The greatest need, it seems, is to fund the entire renovation of the remaining 3 rooms.

The hospital has several proposals out in the community and are confident that at least 2 of the rooms will be funded by the holidays.

That leaves one room left, waiting to be funded, so that children, like Zack, will have a much more comfortable environment, with brand new equipment and a fabulously decorated room, in which to stay when they are sick. When we were asked in the spring, if we would like to fund 2 rooms, both Paul and I felt very strongly that we were building "Zack's Dream ROOM" not ROOMS. Since Zack's room had such a theme and a story, it didn't feel right to just create a second room. So, we chose to replace the cribs ($5500 each!). There are currently no other needs in the Pediatric or even Emergency units at York Central.

I was once again asked if we would be interested in funding another room, in Zack's honour. We are $6500 shy of the $50,000 needed for two rooms to be completed. This time, I really considered what this would "look" like and the story that we could create surrounding the second room. Elmo and Zack's Dream Room is certainly the priority and the main room in which to honour all that made our son so incredibly special.

But, did we have another chance to share some of Zack's inspiration with this second room?
I started to think about other ways in which we could honour Zack and therefore, create another room as special as he was. It had to really MEAN something! My first thought was to our other boys, Ty and Jayden. Could this be a way for them to help create a space for their brother and really participate in this project? Could they be included in Zack's legacy? I think so!

Our family has always had favourite animals for each of us; Paul is the lion, Ty is the cheetah, I am the elephant, Jayden is the hippo and Zack was the giraffe. The zoo and animals have been so important in our family.

Could we create a Zoo-themed room with our 5 animals....as a way to keep the 5 of us together forever? A symbolic way to honour our family of 5.

So, I'm asking YOU- our biggest supporters, family and friends.
How do YOU feel about funding the second room?

Date Night has a new meaning

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 22:20:00 +0000

Do you ever miss your husband? Even though he lives in the same house and sleeps in the same bed? I do.

Last week, my sister offered to take the boys for a playdate and sleepover to allow Paul and I to have some time together. I'm so truly grateful that she knew how much we needed this....even more than we knew it ourselves.

We were so excited to have a date! On Friday, Paul surprised me with tickets to see "Fela" at the Canon Theatre. We planned the night to include a great dinner at Baton Rouge before the show.

The minute the boys left- we started talking about all the things we don't or can't say when the boys are around. It seems that the discussions are too deep to have over a simple family dinner or too sensitive to have around Ty and Jayden. On the phone, it also seems that we only talk about superficial topics like schedules, school and when we can time dinner. The elephant in the room is always the sadness and loss we feel about Zack and his absence in our family. It's so overwhelming at times, when the 4 of us are out or even sitting at dinner that we really only need to look at each other to tell one another how we are feeling.

When it came to a great night where we could be alone, we could speak freely about all we have been wanting to say. We shared our sadness, anger, disbelief and questions about faith. Gone are the days when a date night is just a night to go out, get dressed and maybe have some fun :-) Now these nights are about so much more.

After we had shared our most precious thoughts, cried and totally ruined my makeup...it was time to go out, hold hands and share a great night at the show.

We both realized how much we missed each other and how crazy our life can be...how can we make time for our marriage and for these discussions? We really need to work through our grief together, but it never seems to be the "right" time to talk about it. I'm not sure what the solution is...but what I do know is that we need to put each other first, if we really want to get through these emotions together. I also know for sure, we need each other more than ever before.

Death, Graves, and Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:35:00 +0000

I was driving the kids to school the other day and while I made the turn out of my street, my eye caught a gravestone, skeleton and gruesome head coming out of the ground on my neighbour's lawn. I still felt sick to my stomach as I kissed the boys and sent them on their way.

I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen and how it had made me feel. I went to work that day and spoke to Candace about what had happened. Was Halloween going to mean something totally different, now that Zack died? Will we decorate our house like we had every other year to be the "creepy" display on the street?

I'm the type of mom who decorates for EVERY holiday, and yes, last year, we had a gravestone, bones and a bloody sign on our door. And yet, this year our Halloween container still remains in my basement. The boys have been bugging me to "get our scare on" this year, but I've been hesitant to bring the decorations upstairs. I really just thought it was because I wasn't really into celebrating ANY holiday...but I'm starting to realize that it was because of what Halloween represents. Seeing the makeshift grave on my street made me feel so sad. Having just lost my son, I make several weekly visits to his gravesite. Zack's grave, surrounded by Elmos and his photo, brings me such comfort and strengthens my sense of spirituality...not fear and macabre. It's where I go to be closer to heaven or maybe just close to his body where I last saw it. It's actually a place where I find peace and quiet...not ever imagining that it could also be a place for witches and goblins.

I had to remember some Halloween history when I started to write this post and I was interested to reread the origins of the holiday. Historically, November 1st was considered All Saint's Day, a day to commemorate the saints who had died and scare away evil spirits. On All Soul's Day, November 2nd, the celebration was about praying for the souls of loved ones (who were not saints). October 31st became the Hallow's Eve before these two celebrations and has evolved over time into a night of fear, costumes and sugar. According to Native American philosophy, it is the time of year when the “veil between the two worlds is the thinnest.” It's the time when the spirit world is closest to us and most connected to our physical world here on earth. It might actually be a time when the spirits of those who have died feel even closer to us and signs become clearer.

When I asked Ty and Jayden about the house down the street, they thought that it looked so "awesome" (they obviously had not made the connection that I had made). I certainly wasn't going to mention that their brother was actually at a cemetery and that Mommy didn't really feel like having a graveyard on our lawn this year...

So what do I do?

Is THIS our new Halloween decor?

Do I fess up and tell them that it makes me upset, risking that I ruin Halloween for them?

Do we go to the Dollar Store to stock up on new spider webs, bugs, witches and pumpkins instead?

Do I decorate my house like everyone else with severed limbs and skeletons?

This is one of my fave Halloween Photos of me and 2 of my guys....

I found my Bliss...it was all about ME!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 22:49:00 +0000

There are lots of post-conference posts including inspiration, critique and the like. While I suppose I could mention what I liked and disliked about the format itself, I want to discuss what I learned and how I was inspired by the women who attended this amazing conference.

This year I was lucky enough to have won a ticket to my second Blissdom Canada conference. I was not only thrilled to be going, but this year, I was coming to this conference with so many questions about what was next for me...looking to the women to whom I have been turning for the last 7 months for some ideas.

Since Zack died, I've been in a state of flux. Not sure where my life was heading after my "job" as Zack's advocate was gone. I embraced my role as Zack's caregiver and biggest cheerleader, and without the role that began to define me, where was I to turn?
I had been leading fundraising effforts for Zack's Dream Room , speaking at a few events, and writing about my journey through grief, as a way to keep Zack in my daily life. But now, I wasn't sure what path to take not only for my blog, but for me.

I thought of turning my blog into more than a series of personal stories. Of evolving it into a way to contribute money to my family. I had had incredible support from the brands with whom I worked on Zack's fundraisers, so it seemed like a real option to monetize my blog and start doing paid reviews with brands that I love and respect.

I went to Blissdom seeking the ways in which I could do this- while still maintain my integrity and authenticity...the "brand" that is me...Heather, "TJZMommy", "Zack's mom". Many bloggers work with brands on a daily basis and do it really well. In fact, it seemed that this was very much a common theme throughout the conferences I've attended in the last few months. As the art of blogging evolves, this new source of income has turned several bloggers/writers into entrepreneurs- perhaps even the new wave of "mompreneurs".

As I sat in on the sessions regarding branding and monetizing your blog, I became uncomfortable with this as a direction for me, personally. I can also totally appreciate and respect that this is what other women have done with their blogs but I quickly learned that this is not where I want to go. I started to be more and more convinced that in order to be the truest ME, I had to simply continue to write from the heart. While this certainly won't pay for daycare and skating lessons, it will be authentic and real for me.

I still have a story to tell...how can I tell it?

I started to assess the ways in which I could tell my story...other platforms above and beyond my personal site.

I sat in on the session about Community Blogs with Maureen, Minnow and Sarah, Jen and Erica and was instantly inspired to reach out to my friends on the panel, and start submitting some of my blog posts to their prestigious sites. I started to feel confident that by focusing on being a "content creator" I will be able to tell my story to different audiences who might benefit from what I've learned along this journey. I've already shared 3 posts on two of these sites and I'd feel privileged to do more.

How could I use video? I'm a total amateur when it comes to making videos...but what a fabulous way to tell my story to appeal to the emotions of other parents! Videos by my friends; Eric Alper, Laura Berg, Jeff Pulver, and Alison Kramer are true examples of how content can go viral, if they appeal to the emotions and "me too factor" in all of us. My ideas were flowing all over my handwritten notes ('cause I'm old school like that)! Where would I start this video story? What did I feel I could share with a viewing audience, while appealing to their deepest feelings as a parent? How could I spread the word about Zack's Dream Room that truly and honestly explained the question everyone always asks me...."How do you do it?".

I was even lucky enough to speak to the editor-in-chief, of Canadian Family Magazine, Jen Reynolds and discuss ways in which I might be able to share my story with her audience. How awesome would THAT be? After the publishing session, I was motivated to dedicate more time to writing, editing and working on content. I even think that this crazy life might even lead me to a book one day!

The most powerful moment in the sessions was when my talented friend Shannon, created a video to show the moments when Social Media had reached out, touched hearts and changed some part of the world...however small or large. I'm so honoured that she asked if she could share Zack's story with the Blissdom women. Through the tears in the room, it was very clear that the power of Social Media has indeed been used for enormous good.

I came home from Blissdom with the idea of both where I didn't want to take my blog and ways in which I want to evolve it.

It became extremely clear to me that I know what path I'm on;

I want to create and run a charitable organization called "Zack's Dream".

I want to dedicate more time in my week to working on the art of writing and editing.

I want to submit my work to both community blogs and magazines.

I need to create a full bio with samples of all the work that I'm really proud of!

I am going to do a video, sharing my story, how I am doing it and the mission of Zack's Dream.

Most of all....I realized more that ever, that I have incredible women around me who are support, mentors, inspiration and a source of strength and motivation.

I found my bliss....did you?

Still Thankful

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 15:10:00 +0000

This year I have struggled with this holiday. For obvious reasons.

I have so many things to be thankful for...I know that for sure.

But with such an immense sadness it is a chore to really let my heart feel grateful.

It's helpful for me to write these down and share them with you. I've spent some time this weekend, really giving thought to the many blessings that I have in my life.

While they can never erase the pain of losing Zack, they still deserve to be celebrated.

I'm thankful for Ty. Ty was my first miracle. The one that taught me that I was meant to be a mom. He still makes me proud everyday, of the sweet, sensitive boy he is and the amazing, caring man I know he will become.

I'm so thankful for Jayden. While Jayden can test me with his crazy moods and attitude, he is the silliest and funniest kid that I know. When I need a laugh, he is there for me. When I need to be someone's favourite girl....he lets me know that I'm his, forever.

I'm thankful everyday for being Zack's mom. When Zack was born, it brought out a strength in me that I never knew I had. I still have that (most days). I'm grateful to have known such joy in my life- while there has been immense pain, the joy is what I hope I will always remember.

I'm thankful for memories and for all the photos that document our life.

I'm thankful that I have a husband that is sensitive, caring and loving. One that will cry with me when we are alone and one that is strong for me when I need him to be. Through the many challenges we have had over the last few years....we still choose each other. I wouldn't want to live this life with anyone but Paul.

I'm thankful for family time, movie night, field trips and snuggles.

I'm thankful for chocolate.

I'm thankful for my parents. For all the tests that they have both had to their health, they are the strongest people that I know. They work hard at everything that they do, including being great supporters, grandparents and parents. They are generous and caring and I know that is where I get my sense of giving.

I'm thankful for my sister. Proud of all she has accomplished and of the women she is. I'm grateful that I can now call her my best friend.

I'm thankful to have two amazing best friends- Jill and Kathryn. I couldn't live this life without your support. Crying, laughing, borrowing clothes, dogs, fundraising, carpooling and pool parties...we've done it all....together. Love you both.

I'm thankful to have our beautiful home on a street that surrounds us with neighbours and friends like my sweet friends; Smita, Jenn, Gina, Karen. Don't ever move.

I'm thankful for the energy to give back and create not only Zack's Dream Room, but help York Central and support the pediatric patients and their parents.

I'm thankful to be healthy and to have the ability to do more.

I'm thankful for little Roxy, our new dog, who is about to enter our daily lives and bring joy and laughter to our family. I know the boys will love this new experience.

I'm thankful for friends and family who have helped us all get through the last 7 months and the last 4 years; Libbie, Smita, Tina, Jana, Alex, Lisa and so many more.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to work everyday and feel valued with Candace at Name Your Tune. And I look forward to finding my next passion.

I'm thankful to SickKids for not only allowing us to have 3 years with Zack, but for being gentle, caring and respectful in our last few days with him.

I'm thankful for the quiet times alone, when I can cry and be free to mourn.

I am thankful to Elmo, Kevin Clash and Sesame Street for giving us a furry red monster to hold onto and a symbol that embodies Zack's spirit.

I'm thankful to the extended group of women (and men) online who have helped pick me up as I've been about to fall. They have laughed and cried with me and I'm so grateful for those new friendships.

I'm thankful for an outlet to express my feelings in writing on this blog.

I'm thankful that you take the time to read about my family, myself and to offer support.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

What are YOU thankful for?

What's with the Elmo? Sharing my story at #140Conference

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 23:15:00 +0000

I was so thrilled to be a part of this amazing day to unite Twitter followers and share our stories of the private, personal, and political. I took this as an opportunity to explain the Elmos on Twitter as well as tell the amazing heart that lies within those 140 characters. The power of support to make dreams (and dream rooms) come true.

The day was full of laughter, tears and lots of hugs. In fact, the founder of the #140 conference, Jeff Pulver (who has a cousin who works for Sesame!!), insists everyone leave the stage with a hug....this is MY type of guy!

I shared the stage with women and men that I knew, women and men I thought that I knew and amazing people, I can now call friends. It was an amazing day of sharing stories of how Twitter and life in Social Media had impacted each of our lives. In fact, the power in this conference was proven in the fact that several of us (my sweet friend Jody)....yes, even me, were "TRENDING TOPICS" in Canada that day! So cool!

My story is in this video below. Thank you so much to Julia and her team for putting together a totally inspiring day. Thank you to everyone who smiled to me on the stage and gave me the strength to get through it. Not only was I so privileged to be involved the conference in Waterloo, I've been asked to go to New York in June, to tell my story at the #140 Conference there....life is full of lovely surprises!

Finding our way through a year of "firsts"

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:18:00 +0000

Today is Zack's 4th birthday.

The entire week leading up to this day has been so difficult and emotionally draining. You see, Zack is a twin, and while we are overwhelmed with the fact that Zack won't be there to turn 4, his brother still deserves a fun birthday celebration! I've been overwhelmed with memories of the day that the boys were born. Looking at my sweet little ones and being so worried for Zack's future. My life changed four years ago today. This day means so much more to me than just cake and lootbags.

It's really unbelievable to me, that he is gone. I think I go through the motions of the day sometimes and while I miss him, the reality doesn't hit me each and every day. As would be expected, the loss has a much greater impact on a special day. I've already had a birthday, Easter and Mother's Day without Zack and those days felt so different than before. The hardest thing for me, was that these days were about celebrating. After the death of a child or even any death in a family, it's hard to ever imaging celebrating anything again. I was the type of mom who loved to decorate for all occasions. I haven't done that since Zack died. I think I've come to realize that those things just aren't as important as they once were. Balloons and banners don't make a holiday special, it is having the ones you love around you, that make the memories of those days.

Today on Zack's birthday, it hits me again....hard. He's gone. Today should have been a day to sing "Happy Birthday" to both of our boys, snuggle in bed and have a special breakfast. We should have planned a party with their friends, eaten too much cake and taking a thousand photos to post on Facebook.

Today, I've been looking though the last 3 birthday photos and looking at how happy our little boy was, and all that he accomplished between those years.

Today, I've cried a lot, lit a candle and stayed in comfy clothes. I'm finding comfort in being home.

Today, I've visited Zack's grave, alone. With my blanket and kleenex, I lay down to be with my son, as I did the day I said goodbye. I sang him "Happy Birthday" from his mommy. This was OUR time.

Today will be a day to remember Zack and to celebrate Jayden. I know that I have found some ways to allow Jayden to feel special and have fun, while also honouring Zack's memory.

Here are some of the ways we will acknowledge Zack's Birthday. Whether it's a birthday, mother's day, religious holiday or anniversary of their death, there are ways in which we can all find comfort in remembering the ones we miss. I hope that you find comfort in some of these ideas to honour the ones that you have lost in your lives. My goal for today is to find the small ways in which I can remember what Zack meant to us. I'm hoping to find a way to smile, through my tears, to make it through this "first".

Do something special that the person you lost, would have loved to do. Did they play the piano, sing or love to dance? Did they love a certain colour? We will be playing Zack's favourite Elmo movie tonight before bed and blowing bubbles.

Buy balloons, write a letter on it and send it through the clouds. It is a powerful image to watch and a reminder of something beyond what we can see.

Ask friends and family to write a note or card about the person who has died. On Jayden's birthday weekend at Great Wolf Lodge, we received several notes to Zack to read when we are ready.

Light a candle all day, to keep their spirit shining brightly around you.

Tell stories about the person you have lost. We will each tell a story at dinner tonight- one story about Zack and one about Jayden on their special day.

Look through video and photos of events in the past...this can be hard to do, but also a beautiful reminder of special memories.

Write a card, journal, letter or blog post about them. Not necessary to share it.

Have a cake in their honour- remember the "sweetness" of having that person in your life. We will be having a birthday cake picnic at Zack's grave tonight- lighting two candles for our boys.

Leave an empty chair at the table. Physically leaving a reminder that they are still very much with you in everything that you do.

Propose a toast, have a moment of silence or play a special song for your loved one, just before you start that holiday meal.

How do YOU honour those who have died, in your family?

Series on UrbanMoms.com

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:11:00 +0000

I was on Twitter the other day, when Jen Maier, of UrbanMoms, tweeted about her son and his questions regarding death. Since this is a huge discussion in our house, I jumped in with my thoughts and advice about how I have spoken to my sons about their brother's death. I was so honoured when she asked me about the possibility of exploring this topic in a series of posts on UrbanMoms.ca.

I knew that I was willing to talk about my experiences and how our family is working through our questions and feelings regarding the loss of our sweet Zack.

This is the first post in a series 'Our Family's Journey through Grief'.

Read my first blog post on Urban Cafe

Chocolate Homework

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:53:00 +0000

What a delicious night of homework!
Ty and I got home on Wednesday and discovered the most amazing treats on our front steps! A care package from Purdy's Chocolate! Our friends at Purdy's have found us on Twitter and really reached out to our family and our kids. They have sent Paul a birthday treat, chocolate dinosaurs for the boys and checked in on us "just because". No strings attached, no expectations, just a "sweet" new friend.

The funny thing is, when I worked at Town Shoes, we had done a cross promotion with Purdy's as they were entering the Ontario market. I was pregnant with Ty at the time, and all I needed was a few cases of hedgehogs in the warehouse to keep my cravings satisfied. When I worked with our PR Director, Crissi, she would leave a hedgehog on my desk to say "thank you"...when Ty was born, she suggested I call him "Purdy" as a nod to the chocolate that had sustained him for 9 months!

We took the opportunity to take our time and truly "taste" these treats. There were 4 different best sellers to sample and it came with a chocolate tasting guide. I decided to turn this into a little project for Ty and into some "learning" fun!

I asked Ty to take all the notes for our Tasting Test, as he set up a grid on paper with the names of our four chocolate samples. He read me the tasting guide step by step as we started our work.

Before starting and between the chocolates, we had to get something to "cleanse" our palate....Ty choose milk. It wasn't on the list to use, but it seemed like a good choice!

We looked at each of the four contenders with discerning eyes, carefully critiquing each "look" and documenting its visual appeal. Next, we were to describe the first bite, then the flavour and finally the texture. We had so much fun sampling and discussing the differences between each chocolate.

Below are the notes from Ty's notebook....in his role as Chief Tasting Officer

1. Sweet Georgia Browns (chocolate, pecans, caramel):
I won't like them. They look messy, too many nuts. I like the caramel!

2. Turona (new product, dark chocolate):
Looks like it is solid chocolate, but it actually has 3 layers; bottom is crunchy, middle is soft and top is thin, crispy. I think it is too rich. Mom loves this one, even though she doesn't usually like dark chocolate.

3. English Toffee
I don't like the way it looks. It's AMAZING!!! It's good once you get to know it. It reminds me of caramel popcorn.

4. Hedgehogs
They look like they are all chocolate. They are so cute you don't want to eat them. They are a mix of some tastes. They are soft inside. They taste like Nutella (hazelnut)!

Can you guess Ty's favourite? If you guess it right....I'll send you a sample!

Two of my boys are going back to school

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 00:06:00 +0000

I didn't quite realize the impact of the first day of school and the emotions that I might feel.

Ty starts Grade 3 tomorrow and I'm starting to get worried for him. He is such a sweet, sensitive kid, but he's going through a hard time right now with anxiety and worry....what's going to happen with a bunch of new changes? I'll speak to the teacher and tell her/him about losing Zack (I'm sure they will know) and the potential issues that might arise from that grief. I'll be sure to tell them what we see happening at home and I hope that they encourage him and motivate him in a way that helps him to shine. While I know that he is anxious about anything new in his life, I hope that he will relax a bit when he sees his new friends and finds out who his new teacher is. When I looked at the photos from last year, Ty's face looks so terrified (see left)....and I hope that this year, I can capture that amazing smile that lights up his face.

Don't let this happy face fool you...he was a mess on the first day of preschool...as was I!!! I'm blown away that Jayden will be starting JK on Mondays, Wednesdays and alternate Fridays at Ty's school! We are so lucky to have Mrs. Gambino as his teacher this year. She has not only supported our family over the last few months, she even asked to have Jayden in her class JUST so she could "work" with our family. How amazing is that? I'm nervous about the separation wiht Jayden...he sure is a mommy's boy...but he has 4 great friends in the class and a teacher that is wonderful. I can't wait to walk him to the fence and see him start this new adventure in his life. I'm so proud of him and so excited for his teacher to laugh every day because of his incredible sense of humour!

The one thing that is not as it should be is that only two boys are starting school.

Paul and I had struggled last winter with the decision to send Zack to JK or keep him home and away from the germs one more year. We had already made the decision for Zack to attend an alternate school in which they have a large hearing impaired and deaf population. They have two deaf classes and even have a Sign of the Week throughout the entire school- we loved that he would have been embraced! We were totally comfortable in our choice of school (16th Avenue Public School in Richmond Hill) and eager to have him have the type of attention to language and communication that he would have had there. We had met a fabulous and caring teacher who was excited to have a "cutie" like Zack in her classroom. We had worked with Zack's speech therapists, teacher of the deaf and the school board to place him in the Sign/Deaf class with only 5 other kids in primary grades. The plan was set....

Our biggest decision was whether the benefits of school would outweigh the risks to his health. We were very close to making the decision to have his nurse, Sue as well as his Teacher of the Deaf work with him daily at home, rather than exposing him to the risks at school.

And now, here we are. My two boys are ready to start the next phase of their lives, and we are missing this big step for Zack.

I wish that he had had a chance to carry his Elmo knapsack into school, had a cubbie with his name on it and had everything labeled from head to toe! He would have loved the attention in the class, but would have wanted to have his own way. He would have hated having to sit down for too long, but he would have thrived with older kids in the class. He would have had Gtube lunches with vanilla pudding and chewed the toys and puzzles. He would have tried to run at recess to keep up, and thrown his hearing aids all day. Zack would have danced and loved the music time, and put up a fight when it was time to clean up. He would have surrounded himself with drums and blocks, and made the teachers laugh when he tried to trick them.

I'll miss the chance to have had started this school journey with Zack. While, it would have been full of obstacles and frustration...there would have been so much pride and progress. I wish that he had known what it was like to go to school like all the other kids. While he was so incredibly fragile and special, we always hoped that he would experience all things normal...just like his brothers.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day to start fresh for another school year....but a sad day knowing that I will never feel the pride of seeing Zack start his first day too.

My Visit with a Medium- a message from my Zack

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 22:31:00 +0000

These are my memories of today's reading....from an emotionally draining but amazing visit with Sandy Wiltshire, a medium who lost her daughter years ago and studied to become a spiritual woman. She did the reading in her house, she recorded it, had lots of kleenex. Her book was the first one that I read after Zack died....I found comfort hearing that she had connected with her daughter and it reaffirmed my belief that there is a heaven. She only does readings for bereaved parents. After 5 months...she called to make an appointment.

I'm sure more memories of today's reading will come out later....these are the ones that really proved to me that Zack was there.....and is still very much with us.

Paul's family came through first, his father's family are with Zack. Foreign element (Jamaica) and mentioned "George"...all of this had deep meaning for me and I look forward to Paul hearing this part.

Zack was holding an uncle's hand- Paul's uncle.

Sandy felt heaviness in her chest- there was an issue with a connection (yes- from heart to lungs, a rare issue). And an issue with his neck and balance.

Sandy said he had trouble speaking, walking, life was hard...but he had a happy life.

Sandy said he was in and out of hospitals- um..yay.

She said he passed quickly and easily and he was okay.

He told her he loved me, hugged me, blew a kiss and said thank you for a good life.

He smiled a lot.

Sandy saw him jumping over and over....asked if he had a trampoline. (he LOVED his indoor trampoline)- He told her that I had put it away or that it wasn't out anymore (I have given it to a sweet little girl who is having some delays in gross motor skills)- he was happy I had given it away.

Sandy saw my Nana....she told her initials of "her girls" and that she was watching them all.

Sandy said to keep talking to Zack and my Nana- they are listening and helping me through this.

My Nana told me she was with him....confirming what I already felt.

Sandy tried to tell the Medium who she was, with a name....she showed her "D-N"...Medium said "Don?", then "Donaldson"....this was my Nana's middle and VERY unique middle name.

She mentioned there would be a pregnancy in our family (my cousin is trying).

She mentioned that my Nana was at the wedding for "R-I"....Erin, my sister.

Nana acknowledged a little boy with a 'J'....I think this is my cousin's little boy who has had a rough start.

My sweet Grandpa was there, but behind my Nana (just like in life) and my Dad's mom was in the background...as she had died when I was young.

Nana indicated a "P-T"...like "Pat or Pete"....Pete is my dad's name.

When I smiled at the information about Zack....he told her that he loved to see me smile.

He wanted to tell Daddy he loved him and give him a hug.

He mentioned- 2, double....twins! Mentioned a "J" name and a boy with a school bag (Ty). he was with them and really missed them.

He was playing with a little girl (we have a young girl who passed on both Paul and my side).

He was dancing with my Nana.

He was running (this is how I had hoped he would be).

He was showing her he "bum scootched" a lot- even though he could move other ways.

He crawled up the stairs to his room, even though he could walk, Sandy mentioned this was his mode of transportation up the stairs (so true)...he went to his room- he is very much in that room and hears us in that room....that remains untouched.

Sandy mentioned Sesame Street- what does that mean? I laughed....Zack has seen that I put stickers around his room (wasn't there before he died)...he was happy that I (with Jayden) did that.

Sandy mentioned Big Bird and Elmo....then said that Zack was singing the Sesame Street song.

Sandy mentioned a black and white dog.....(as many of you know, we are getting a salt and pepper Schnauzer soon- she was just born). Zack sent her to us, he was happy about this.

IndigoKids is now a PTPA Winner!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 16:14:00 +0000

I am so lucky....Ty has ALWAYS love books and continues to have a joy for reading anything...science, adventure, graphic novels and now he is tackling Harry Potter!

So, when we were asked to go visit a IndigoKids with a $50 gift card....we were so excited! Timing couldn't have been better, as we were just about to embark on a 2 week road trip and we needed some new books for the journey. I gave both my boys $25 to spend in the store and get something to take away on our summer adventure. I admit, that I knew Ty could find at least 2 books, but I wasn't sure what Jayden would find for $25. I didn't think that $50 would really go that far.

When we walked through the front doors at the newly renovated IndigoKids in Newmarket, we didn't have to ask for directions to the kid's section! From the very front of the store, the decor of the back section was calling us to check it out. It was kind of like walking into Wonderland...the decor and colours were so much fun, the display fixtures and seating were whimsical and the store was divided into a book section and toy section!

Both boys took off in separate directions to explore. Jayden made a beeline for the dress up clothes and I was scared to walk over to see what he had chosen. He totally LOVES to dress up and role play so we collected lots of different costumes for him to use with his imagination. This time he had on a colourful, satin racer jacket and a soft helmet that transformed him into a Racecar Driver. I crossed my fingers as I checked the price....it was 30% off!!! He had found his $25 item and I was thrilled that it was so reasonably priced! Ty found some awesome Harry Potter items on a table that was everything Hogwarth's!

We spent at least 40 minutes in the store, exploring and reading through our choices to make the final pick. We sat at the table and then in the tea cup to read some books that we didn't decide to buy. I loved looking through all the retro toys and showing the boys what I liked to play with when I was younger. The prices were really amazing and totally changed my perception of IndigoKids. They had toys at every price point including $5 and $10 bins! I even picked up some travel games that cost under $10 and PlayMobil figures for $3.97 to surprise the kids on the car ride.

The best part of the visit was that there was a cash desk and salesperson dedicated to this section. I didn't have to bring the kids out of the fun to make the purchases! I really loved this feature, as they could still explore while I processed the sale! I was thrilled to hear that they had just launched the new PLUM Rewards system and new FREE program to earn rewards at Indigo!

I am totally not surprised that IndigoKids is now a PTPA Winner! As a parent, I appreciate how much thought went into not only the product and design, but in the total shopping experience.

The Weighting Game

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 15:57:00 +0000

This is a post that has always been there, but I haven't been brave enough to share.

Now I'm ready, as the topic has become the root of many discussions with Ty and me.

The truth is...I have always been overweight. I don't really remember when it started to become an issue when I was a kid, but I have been forever affected by the teasing that has followed me most of my life. Whether it was boys in my class pretending to ask me to "go around" as a big joke, never having a boyfriend when my friends did, faking that I had no gym clothes so I wouldn't have to change with the other skinny girls, never being able to wear the same clothes as my besties, making poor choices with boys in University just to be liked....it has always been there.

Not to make excuses, but I do think part of it is predisposition to being overweight. I would say it has been an issue for many women and men in my family...but the fact is, I eat when I'm stressed. There have been times in my life where I have gotten to a great weight for me, a healthiness in the way I eat and a comfort in not only the clothes, but the skin I am in. I know that it is a lot of work to get to that weight, but I've done it and I know I could do it again.

This time I feel I really need some help. Not only help to get to eating healthy again, getting moving, but also to get my mind into putting my health first. When the twins were born, I was instantly down to a great weight because I had been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and I had put the boys first and controlled my sugars with eating really well.

If I could do this for my babies, why can't I do it just for me?

When Zackie's health became overwhelmingly stressful for me, I ate....for three years. My health just wasn't another battle or job that I could bring myself to attack. Life was hard, and I didn't want to make it harder. Now that Zack has died, I find comfort in food.

That brings us to today. I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, I question going out because I don't know how to hide my weight, I find comfort online as it is not necessary to show my body in my avatar, I don't have the energy to enjoy time with the kids as much as I would like and my weight consumes my thoughts most of the day.

In recent weeks, this issue has impacted my sweet 7 year old son. Ty has been coming to me telling me he want to be "honest" with me. I know what he is about to say, before he opens his mouth.....he wants me to skinnier like other moms. My heart sinks each time he says this to me. The worst part of this is not how I feel about hearing his honesty, it's about how my sweet son has internalized and worried about how I look and been even thinking about his own body. He looks at his own little belly and says he needs to lose weight. On our vacation to the waterparks, he was so concerned that he wanted to wear his t-shirt whenever he was out of the water. Even a member of our family, who works in the Eating Disorder clinic at SickKids, has seen a rise in anorexic boys as young as age 10 in her work!

I take my time, to talk to my introspective boy about the importance of what's on the inside of a person, without looking at the outside but at the same time....I get how he feels. We talk almost daily about accepting people for the colour of their skin, the texture of their hair and now the size and shape of their bodies.

The easy solution would be to lose weight so that I look like the magazine women he compared me to yesterday....but is that the real way to address this issue?

While I think that this discussion with Ty will not be solved as the numbers get lower on the scale, I'm ready to show him that with the start of the new school year, I am committed to getting myself and our family, healthier.

I just don't know how or where to start.

Yup....I'm Connected!

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 17:49:00 +0000

When I was asked to join the advisory board of women putting together this year’s She’s Connected Conference, I was surprised…and honoured.

Am I really digitally connected? Well the answer is YES....and I have the bobblehead to prove it!

I have had the pleasure of working with amazing brands through PTPA and with Zack’s Dream Room and I’ve been so impressed with how some brands just seem to “get” the importance of reaching out to their consumers using social media. Generous brands (like WagJag and Microsoft plus too many more to mention) even connected with me. Several brands have actually reached out to me, after reading our story, to see how they could get involved in raising money for the charity in my son’s name. Some lovely new brands, like Purdy's Chocolate, even send us sweet treats to get us through some tough days.
How awesome is that?

Through the experiences of the last 5 months, I've found myself at a very different stage in my life, maybe even heading towards a new career. With my new found outlook on life, my family and social media...now what????

One way in which my journey is continuing are invitations to speak about Zack, his Dream Room and my experience with social media in fundraising. And now I have an opportunity to sit on one of the very impressive panels with the UNITED NATIONS (gulp) about ‘Social Awareness and Brands’ at She's Connected September 29-30th. This is my first year attending and I'm really excited to be a part of the advisory board to help plan a productive and fun conference with tons of opportunity to connect and share our experiences.

So...to start the sharing mood, I'm sharing this with you....
YOU CAN ENTER TO WIN A TICKET TO SHE'S CONNECTED WITH PTPA!

Let YOUR voice be heard by the brands we love most!

Good Luck!

The Magic of Sesame Place

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:00:00 +0000

Our road trip finally reached the destination that inspired the entire two week vacation. We wanted to live out our original plans for Zack to meet Elmo at Sesame Place in Pennsylvania- in his absence, but with his spirit with us, we still wanted to fulfill this wish.

The first night we watched the incredible nighttime parade and were totally mesmerized by the characters, the music and the pure emotion and magic of Sesame. Best of all....we saw Elmo and couldn't wait to meet him the following day. We even got to visit an Elmo's World set and see the show with Mr. Noodle's nephew, Mr. Noodle!

The exceptional people at Sesame Place (@sesameplace on twitter) had not only offered us "Abby Front of the Line" wristbands, they also invited us to meet and take photos with all of the Sesame characters before the parade. As the first characters started to walk out, my heart began to race. I would be meeting Elmo for the first time. While it wasn't Kevin Clash, this was a "real" Sesame Elmo and it had been a long awaited moment.

Elmo started walking towards the crowd and I took our framed photo of Zack with us to go shake his hand and take some pictures. He put his arms around Ty, Jayden and I and then held Zack's photo between his furry hands. I had finally taken Zack to meet Elmo. I realized the enormity of the moment and dissolved into tears. I stepped back only to see Elmo holding just Zack's image for a photo to be taken. With tears streaming down my cheeks, Elmo gestured for me to come over....he put his arms around me and hugged me. I'm not sure if he did know what this moment meant to me and to our family, but I whispered a thank you and told him that this was for my son. He kissed his furry red hand and placed it on Zack's face in the frame and my heart melted.

more photos here

Live, Love, Laugh and Learn

noreply@blogger.com (TJZMommy) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:26:00 +0000

I learned so much on our recent family vacation...about my boys, my amazing husband and even myself!
What an awesome two weeks we had to spend time together, make wonderful memories, share some magical moments, remember Zackie and most of all, just have some much needed family fun!

I learned to let go and have fun. Totally out of my comfort zone, I stood back to allow Paul to take the lead to plan this trip in great detail...and yes, there is a binder and spreadsheets to prove it! He thought of every detail, picked the greatest stops and found some really cool hotels! This trip meant a special journey to Paul and I appreciate all the time that he took in making sure we all felt special along the way. While I didn't walk around the edge of the CN Tower like @SharonDV, I also tried new rides (the dreaded swings!) and waterslides that I had never been on. Perhaps the most daring was wearing my bathing suit around Sesame Place! (Elmo loves me no matter what!).

I learned that my boys look at me with the same love that Zackie did. I'm not sure that I had really realized this before, but my boys give me the same smile and the same loving eyes that Zack used to give me. Perhaps it felt stronger because Zack couldn't talk and a look was his ONLY way to communicate...or maybe the deepth of his need for me made it different. It might even be that Zack's light is now shining in his brothers. During this trip, there were so many moments with Ty and Jayden when I could see how much my boys love me. Each day the boys would have a competition; "first one to touch mommy gets to snuggle with her"! When the winner was announced, that would set the sleeping arrangements for the night. We alternated nights sleeping with our restless kids and spent our nights pulling arms and legs off of us so that we could actually get some rest! We loved the daily discussion and sometimes debates as to whose turn it was to sleep with which parent. As the trip went on and we bought more and more stuffed toys, the space got even smaller!

I learned that while we will always be a family of 5, the 4 of us can get even closer than ever and bond in a new way. We took Zack's photo and placed it on the dresser of every hotel room, to not only remember, but to feel like he was with us. While it doesn't take a photo to feel close to him, it brought comfort to all of us. Ty even had a greatest idea to bring the "DREAM" rock from Zack's grave in the car on our journey...as if to "collect" the memories and bring it back to him. Several signs were around us with stores called "Zackary's Smile", books with his name on it and Elmos everywhere we went. We travelled as a family of 4 and it was really sweet to spend time with Jayden and Ty alone. While Ty and Paul would brave the waterslides, Jayden and I would float around the lazy river talking about everything and nothing. We really listened to our boys...their interests, worries and dreams.

I loved learning that the 4 year gap between our boys is narrowing and they are starting to really enjoy each other's company in a new way. I'm not sure if it was the fact that they only had each other, whether everyone was just on great behaviour or whether the relationship is really changing between Ty and Jayden, but some of the best moments of our two weeks were just watching our two boys interact. Ty would wake up each morning and ask Jayden "where's my morning hug?". Jayden developed a love of all things 'Pokemon' and 'Phineas and Ferb' just so that he has something in common with his big brother. The boys would hold hands, play together in the pool, watch out for each other and even help each other get dressed. We watched with tremendous pride, as our two sons became closer than ever.

I learned that my kids are freaking hilarious! We got to be silly with them and really enjoy their unique and very different senses of humour. The jokes on the trip are still making us laugh now that we have settled back into reality. If it wasn't Ty rapping Justin Bieber songs or singing the Phineas and Ferb intro, it was Jayden's crazy southern accents "I need a cuppa Joe!" We laughed for the whole ride from Pittsburgh to D.C. just on "Dick's" jokes (Paul bought some new balls at Dick's- LOL). The kids loved to make up all things relating to bathrooms and butts, we found out that "Chuck Norris" is the answer to any question and that Daddy loves the boys like a "fresh veggie-table" (play this fun song below!)!

I learned while Paul now called the GPS lady "Honey", that I'm still blessed with a sweet, sensitive husband who puts our family first.

I learned that I need to spend more time having fun with Ty and Jayden- they are growing up too fast.

Mostly, the lesson that will stick with me now that reality has set in.... life will never be the same, but the living does go on.