Searching for Truth

Smell the Roses

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 08:45:00 +0000

i have forgotten how much at times I need to slow down and smell the roses. life, as i said in my previous blog, can get downright hectic, sometimes not allowing us to enjoy the simple and profound pleasures of life. financial crunches, new experiences, and the occasional bump in the road tend to leave us feeling like a used rag. at this point life looks downrigtht scary. then something happens and we get to see life a little clearer. i got a little smooch today from my little girl before going to work. my wife cooked an awesome meal for dinner. i helped save kids from becoming walking zombies. these are the things sometimes I forget. some even more important things to consider. we are still breathing. i am loved by God. i have incredible potential through Him who made me. ahhh.....if we could think on these things who wouldn't have a downright fantastical day(or night for us dwellers of the night.)

Merry Go round

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:10:00 +0000

ever think life is a merry go round. well i do, i have found that life is so much a twirl and a whirl i can barely stand straight. one day your doing great the next is a roller coater of emotion. part of it is being human another part is not relying on the Father. still it gets to be hard to hold on sometimes. take for instance. last month i was working as the director of catering. very high, very ego stroking job. now, security guard for a college. i make kids hate me. next a massage therapist for myself. (my muscles are slightly overwhelmed from walking up stairs 5 miles a day.) don' take this as the depressed ramblings of a quarter life imbecile. no take this as processing a lesson. a lesson which states that life today might not necessarily look like tomorrow so get over it. one thing though i am learning is that even though my life is a whirlwind God remains the same. i think without God, my family and church my life would be a jumble, a mixed up kaleidoscope of flashing neon lights reading help me, help me i'm slowly losing it. still i know these things to be true. God is awesome. i love my wife. i have a beautiful and joy inspiring little girl. i have a roof over my head. (unless my dog eats another toy and i am thrown out to the curb.) i am well fed. emphasis well fed. life is good with all these wonderful blessings. yet life still isn't easy. i hope i can ride the blue horse this time.

Finally

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:14:00 +0000

I am posting my first blog since who knows when. I like my job. Would probably love it if the people were a little more refined but they live life in the way they deem fit. Besides that life is good. Looking forward to going to San Antonio for the weekend. I love reconnecting with old friends. I need God. I learned that I am a weak, handicapped individual without Christ in my life. Sometimes you don't realize how close you need to be to Christ when your not inundated with the world. I hope God grants me the strength to overcome my insipid behavior.

I want to tell my friends in Heartland that I miss you terribly. I hope I never again underestimate the presence of Godly friends. Without friends to believe in God with you what would we become? Probably a lot less Christ-like and humble. Well I need to pack so I will say adios for now.

Dream Job

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:52:00 +0000

God is so awesome. I have recieved the opportunity to be the Director of Catering for the Best Western Ramkota here in Casper. It is one of the biggest conference areas in the state of Wyoming. This is a great opportunity for me. I feel humbled to be in this position but I believe God has a plan. If anyone needs a place to stay in Casper. Just let me know. This is my third day on the job and I am having the most fun I have had in some time. I sincerely appreciate all your prayers and support.

Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 03:38:00 +0000

Still in the search for a job. It's crazy how tough it is but in the end you really have to find the right one.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out a way to bring the Kingdom of God to earth. Kind of a big ambition right. In the end though it really isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes God is more simple than we sometimes believe. Bringing the Kingdom of God to earth is as simple as a hello, a smile, a hug, or a simple act of caring. Sometimes we make it seem so tough to actually do God's Will here on earth. In reality it's maybe the simplest thing to do in life.

Besides that thought I have also decided what I would like to do. Many people right now dislike FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency). Misallocating important supplies, Mismanagement of emergency aid, and Inaction are some of the issues revolving the agency. What I would like to do is maybe help provide a little bit of Jesus to this Federal agency. Sometimes we as Christians are skeptical of governmental work but sometimes in order to change the issues you have to be able to influence the issues. Anyways, I found this really cool online college that you can receive (Nationally Accredited) your Emergency and Disaster Management Masters Degree. Cool right!!! I hope to at some point help build or build an organization that helps in disasters around the world. Not just help but go in and stay in order to rebuild in a way that influences the region by building hospitals, orphanages and churches. What better way to show God's love than to meet people in their most dire need.

I hope to pursue this path God willing. I believe that dreaming big is God's way of showing us that we really can't do it all alone.

Finding a Job

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:12:00 +0000

Finding a job is the most depressing, exhilarating experience one can attempt. Exhilarating because its a new beginning, a chance for a new start. Depressing because it's like a one sided relationship. In the end I am having fun and there are incredible opportunities for learning and starting a career. My problem is I haven't figured out what career I want to commit. I could be a hotel manager, a oxygen tank deliverer, electrician, bank assistant or emergency dispatcher. Anyways pray that I choose wisely.

Besides that my wife is loving her job. My daughter loves her daycare. She used the potty for the first time and loves it. Living with the younger Palmers is great. It gives us both a chance to go on dates a lot. I feel God giving us blessing after blessing and just helping us adapt to our new surroundings. Keep on praying for us and we love you all.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 04:24:00 +0000

Finding Myself

This is the most difficult thing to achieve at times. Trying to find purpose beyond the everyday, beyond the mundane. It's hard enough to wake up in the morning for prayer. Yet within those words I think sometimes we miss the point. In reality it's not finding yourself; it's finding Jesus. Sometimes we look at this as a cutesy, religious statement in order to feel good for a few seconds. The truth is that God never intended us to try to figure it out through our own selves, our own way. Never intended His word to become just mottos or catch phrases. He intended that we would build a deep relationship with Him and through that find ourselves. He intended us to find the vibrancy of HIs eternal word. I read Psalms the other day and it was amazing. I read the scripture about being planted as a tree and I could almost see the visual aspect of it. I truly believe if I could read God's Word with life and vibrancy that I could truly find the truth about everything.

If anyone didn't know we moved to Wyoming. I saw a rodeo and felt totally out of place. I liked it but you instantly feel your color when you are surrounded by all white people. I think maybe I might try to break the mold and become the first Asian cowboy. (nah) I'll let my daughter do that. She loves horses so I am hoping she could be a barrel rider. If not than princess and dolls for her. Guess you can't have everything. God is truly blessing us. We both have incredible jobs that won't make us rich but gives us a great start. Living with awesome people who happen to be related. Trying desperately not to drive them insane but you know me I always like to ruffle a few feathers. Looking forward to serving in this community and church. Incredible opportunities here in Casper. Besides that all is well. We love you all and look forward to seeing you sometime soon.

Reunion

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sat, 31 May 2008 14:19:00 +0000

You know what is the most refreshing experience one can have? It's sitting with friends who think the same way as you. It's talking about Jesus and everyone agreeing and analyzing what is being said. I truly believe this was what Paul meant when he told us "not to forsake the meeting of the brethren."(or something like that) I came away with insight and a fresh awakening. I came away knowing that I have friends that are truly serving God and loving every minute of it.
Usually I consistently hear stories of people who once knew Jesus turning away. I found out one of my dorm friends died the other day from a car wreck most likely not serving Christ. I hear stories of friends who now hate the things they once stood for in chapels and prayer. When you hear this you come away slightly depressed wondering why your lucky enough to still be alive.
Last night, though, I came away knowing that Jesus is still alive in the hearts of friends. I came a way knowing that people even though far away are feeling the same things in Christ that I am feeling. I knew that God was still holding the remnant together even if we all live several hours away. God is awesome.

P.S. This reunion thing is awesome we really should do it every year. Leslie Shier came up with a great idea. We should do a reunion in every city and church that graduates live. Come on Florida and North Carolina!!!!

Imagination is it truly evil?

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Wed, 21 May 2008 21:08:00 +0000

Everything seems to be against imagination. The dream of being a dashing hero of a fantastical land filled with monsters and of course a young damsel in distress. The dream of living beyond the practical and mundane. The teasing daydreams that have me dressed in tights and soaring through the air. I sometimes forget that imagination isn't evil. It's not to be stifled in some corner so as not to be touched.I have come to realize that imagination is the force that moves us beyond our own limits in order to create, to live. I believe entertainment is an extension of that same created imagination (Please don't crucify me yet).
Now I am most assuredly against the rampant unnecessary violence and sex. The degradation and exploitation of our young children is against my beliefs. Yet I must stand against the belief that all entertainment and forms of imaginative creation are evil. This is I believe untrue.
I believe that the creation of literature and the creation of certain motion pictures instill in us a desire to imagine. Wait a moment and before you place me in the realm of heresy listen to the stories in the bible. The parables told to us by our Saviour. In them you will see a glimpse of imagination, a glimpse of creation (creativity). A glimpse of a masterful storyteller invoking images to influence the very core of our being. Without imagination we can only perceive the words of God as words not life giving messages. Without imagination we cannot turn the Old Testament into what it was truly meant to be, an incredible page by page illustration of our predecessors.
I do admit though, as with all things, there is a balance. I believe we must decipher between the permissible and beneficial imaginations. We must harness the imagination, yet not kill the imagination. We must nurture our creativity without giving way to wanton misuse. Jesus is the source of life and creative imagination is an instrument He uses to influence our lives. So go be creative. Read the Bible.

Human

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sun, 18 May 2008 09:39:00 +0000

I am not superman. I am not Jesus. I am Nathan. I am a human. I am fallible, faulty and footy pooty. (Sorry, had to come up with another F) I want to be like Jesus all the days of my life but it takes time. It takes devotion. I am striving for both yet I must be humble enough to admit I am weak. Without His Word daily and His Spirit I am nothing. I become just another human. I write this to remind myself to never think I have attained. I remind myself in order to sympathize with others. I write to put to words my thoughts in order for them to slap me and jab me, so that I might run a race worthy of Him.

I also want to tell everyone to read "Rescued," by John Bevere. I read this during God's transformation of my life and it changed me even more. It made me aware that doing Christian things and believing in Jesus doesn't in itself make me saved. What keeps my salvation is living a righteous life and continually develop my relationship with Him. It doesn't end with a prayer, it only begins. Anyways if you have a chance read the book.

Watched the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian and loved the movie. I wish sometimes that there really was a Narnia and I sould go there. Thank you Doc and Kathy for the love of Narnia.

P.S. If anyone has heard of Todd Bentley and have a take on how you feel about him let me know. He worries me.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Wed, 07 May 2008 04:36:00 +0000

I met God. I can't say that I have never met Him before, because I most assuredly have, but this time was something new. I can't explain it but something came over me that I had never felt before. A resolution, so steadfast and sure, overwhelmed me and I knew at that moment I wanted to know Jesus. I believe that I accepted Christ when I was 15 in front of the loving Heartland congregation. Something happened and I wanted to change but I believe my immaturity kept me from fully understanding how much I needed Him. So, I have walked for these several years with the attitude of complacency. I walked with the air of, I know best and I am strong enough to withstand anything. "Jesus is good and all but I don't really need to be so close to Him," where the words that echoed in my soul. Those times I wanted to change I believe I did change but I still resorted to going back to doing it on my own. I was never steadfast and faithful with my walk. I was never passionate about my salvation. How is it different now you might ask? Well it won't be if I'm not careful in how I proceed but I believe now is the point I feel most able to connect with Him.
If you don't already know, these past several years have been the most tumultuous and rocky times of my life. I have felt lost and lonely in my pursuit to be somebody. I have tried everything from forcing myself into leadership, to taking college courses. I have tried books, conversations, and browbeating all to no avail. Those aren't bad things to do but when that was my sole answer they failed right and left. I failed at my job, my family, and my life. Nothing I touched was turning into gold. Rather it was withering and dying sending me into depression and desperation. This all happened about a year ago. I self-destructed in front of everyone and became a bitter and repulsive monster. (I don't think everyone viewed me as such and God bless them) For the next six months everything was kind of taken away from me. My job, my dreams, and my sense of pride. I was left alone.
I received a new job shortly after, doing a most humbling service; I washed used and dirty (pooped on) cow towels. This was definitely not something a person like me would choose but God has a way of humbling the prideful. Anyways I dutifully went to work and actually came to appreciate my job. I came to the place that the job wasn't beneath me. Soon after God began to release little things from me like bitterness and anger. He replaced it with a hope and peace. He began to release my dreams back inside though now tempered by humility. During this time I still was trying to walk on my own not really paying attention to Jesus. Isn't that why God is so awesome. Even when we are so foolish and ignorant He carries us for awhile and blesses us. During this season of renewal He also told me and my wife it was time to move on. It was time to establish ourselves away from Heartland and in Casper, Wyoming.
At this point I felt like things were beginning to change. I once again felt life and vitality but I knew I was still missing something. Recently we went to visit Casper to prepare for our move, which blessed us even more with answers and peace. On our way back home I was thinking about life and about Pastor Limmer's Sermon on the Love of Jesus. Soon after me and my wife listened to a book on tape called "Rescued" by John Bevere, which by the way scares the living bejeebers out of ya. After this all God really came to me and started moving inside me. He began to give me answers to life and strength. He began to open my eyes to my sin and complacency. He began just changing everything inside. It was awesome. I really can't explain it but this time I really feel something new. I feel an urgency and determination to know and follow Jesus. I feel a resolution to stay away from sin. I want God.
I write this all to sort of memorialize this occasion. I want to read this later on and say God we did it. You really changed me that day. I also write this to give testimony to you my friends and family and I hope that you will hold me accountable and encourage me on my journey.

Christ bigger than My Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 07:35:00 +0000

Hmmm ... Fear. Fear is the absence of courage yet courage is not the absence of fear. A paradox that I can’t explain, much less live. Fear. I have fear. Is it because I don't know God the way I should? Probably. Yet the fear is still there. The fear clings to me like a malignant tumor. I fear the unknown. I fear the twists and turns of my life I can't discern. I fear the past and I fear the future. I feel locked in a timeless void that makes me fear to move. Yet move I shall. Because even though I fear, I must do what God bids me to do. Maybe that's courage. I don't know. The only thing I know is that even though life might be complicated, it really comes down to the simple things. Will you move or will you stay? Will you accept or will you deny? Will you choose or will you not?

I want to live in peace and live a life that is filled with purpose. I want to boldly live my life the way Christ intended; to boldly go where no man has gone before. Yet responsibilities beckon and so I must return to what I fear most; the constant struggle to be. This is not to mean I don't love my life because I so very much do. I love my beautiful wife. I love my child. Yet I want to live without fear, to live in a sweet tranquility. I want to offer my family the best of all that God intended for them and me. The one thing that holds me back is the fear of the unknown.

Christ is the ultimate expression of life without fear. Me being a "little Christ" wants too so measure up to that expression, the expression that the world is so desperate to destroy. But what if there was no fear? What if Christ became our expression, our very existence? What if fear was replaced with purpose, with an ardent desire to see Christ expressed in everything? What would life look like?

I very much hope it would be a life without fear of man, without fear of the next paycheck and bill, without fear of our destiny, and most of all no fear of life or death. This is my hope and prayer for myself and I hope that God would teach me to live like Jesus.

The Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:06:00 +0000

Nothing ever seems to be easy. The constant stream of imagination that teases the corners of my mind never seem to be able to come to fruition. The constant endeavor to create, to fulfill never seems to be enough. These mountains are getting harder to climb. Mountains weren't meant to be moved only climbed. Hey, I believe the bible too, yet have you ever tried to move one. Only God can and most of the time He likes for us to walk.

Right now the physical mountains seem to be easier than the constant barrage of intangibles. Writing a book, never easy. Writing a song, harder than the book. I suffer the mediocrity of my self and how I do suffer. These mountains seem too big for me. Sometimes I wonder if God enjoys my futility.

Yet through it all I find the hope that I continue to learn. I learn that perseverance is the route to success. Not everything comes with a bow. There is never an immediate answer to life's mysteries only a continuous searching. In the search we learn and we adapt. We search for the why and through it we find the Truth and His name is Jesus.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 08:28:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 08:25:00 +0000

My little girl.

Thoughts on Racism

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:40:00 +0000

I am not racist. I AM sick of the color card being played everyday of my adult life. Today Lebron James and Giselle Budchen (the cool girlfriend of TOM BRADY) posed on the cover of Vogue. First African-American male to ever do so; also was the third male to be ever invited to do so by Vogue. Quite a great honor I would say. Yet immediately after the unveiling of the magazine black activists stormed in and used the color card once again. If any do not know what the color card is, it's the card that says we still live in the 60's and everything has racial implications. The activists basically said that LeBron was pictured as King Kong with a white women in distress. This causes racial tensions to be amplified because there is long history of interracial problems with the sight of a black male and white female together. It also depredates the black male due to the posing as an animalistic brute taking advantage of a white woman.

First off, Giselle is Brazilian, not a white woman, mostly Hispanic. Secondly, LeBron was posing as an aggressive basketball player not a black King Kong. Thirdly the man posing was very happy with the shot and chose the shot for himself. Do you see the reason this makes me sick?

I watched O'Rielly Factor and they had two black activists on the show. One was a black activist who thought there where more important social issues to deal with than a magazine cover. The other activist wanted nothing more than to shout out the racial implications of the magazine. It was a complete contrast and at the end I saluted the African American woman who stood up for the truth. The truth that the world has more to deal with then to find racial implications in everything in society.

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 06:22:00 +0000

Let us all be reminded that night shift is so wonderful. (positive thoughts :) ) I sit here with way to much time on my hands. Between watching Cars and Dave I don't have much to do but read and write.

The other day I was thinking about how much I was going to miss Heartland. After 10 years of living and growing it kind of sticks to you. I am going to miss the hedge of protection that we all take for granted until it's not there. I am going to miss the council of so many wise people. I am going to miss my friends and co-workers. (I am almost about to start tearing up.) Yet I am also excited for the future. Going back to school, working a new job and just learning how to live life. I am not saying I wasn't learning this all at Heartland but moving provides me with a different paradigm. Living with family you kind of rest on your families faith and security without really learning how to live independent. I think in a way I am hoping to learn what it takes to be independent in my beliefs, my security and my finances. It's a brave new frontier out there and hopefully God grants us the ability to succeed.

I cut this short because my wife told me it's a blog and not my life's story. Thank God for a wife of wisdom. ; )

Superstars

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:57:00 +0000

I write again because after reading the many things I just did I can't help but write. I am surrounded by so much God-given talent it's unreal.

Dad, the real estate and insurance guru

Mom, the home decorator and hairstylist

Rachel, the Verizon Manager

Kyle, the Carpenter

Jessica, my cousin the best of my family

Andi, the Hospital worker and perseverer

Felicity, the rare rock revealer/teacher and persevering mother,

Dan, the awe inspiring worship leader/platinum recording artist,

Caleb, the dreamer, photographer, and future nurse,

Becca, the little baby nurse,

Serenity, the persevering writer and medical transcriptionist,

Michael, the cool guy (because I really don't know what he does),

Doctor/Cop Wendell and spiritual Dad,

Kathy, the multi talented Mom (who has time for both her kids and the ones who sneak in),

Kris, the Pastor and President of a College,

Martha, the other multi talented Mom and teacher extraordinary,

Future Doc Jordan,

Meghan, the dancer

Ryan, the worship guy and song writer

Charity, the singer song-writer,

Jared, the techno wizard

Molly, the secretary and writer

Joe, the hunter, servant, and future cop

Rochelle, the dancer and worshiper

It's not everyday that an abandoned child is so very blessed. I do not mean this in a negative way but in awe of the wonder of God. Sometimes I don't even realize how awesome this big old Family is. I didn't even mention the ones in the more extended family that are doing wondrous and great things but these are the people who have helped me and my wife personally. Before I started typing I thought, wow this family is awesome, but after I finished I was amazed at the blessings of God. So many times we look at the struggles and the sorrows without realizing how awesome God really is to our family. I know that each one of us goes through our own trails, our own pain but nothing can compare to the joy of being a part of this awesome family.

This goes to anyones family whether spiritual or physical. Sure there are struggles and suffering yet through it all we should take a moment and look at the gifts in each other. We should look at the awesomeness of it all and maybe that might help us go through the tough times. I think this is especially true in the church. Sometimes we get so focused on the negative we miss the positive. We miss the gifts in the people around us and forget the blessings of those gifts. Having two Doctors and a couple Nurses in the family sure keeps us healthy. Having not only Fathers and Mothers, for wisdom and strength, but Godly ones, keeps us all on the straight and narrow if you know what I mean. Having the creativity of writers, worshipers, and artists makes us recognize our God all the more clearly. Secretaries keep us organized. Technicians keep us running. All is for a purpose and we should take the time to recognize those purposes and reaffirm those purposes in each other.

Well I believe this is long enough for one days ramblings. Family is a blessed thing and even God watches out for us orphans.

Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Tanis) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:13:00 +0000

Today I venture into the world of unknown. A place where the smallest of tittles could enhance the mind or darken the soul. The place where you unveil and divulge your innermost thoughts. For a man known for his deep thoughts this is quite intimidating. What I write today may inevitably change the course of my life or those who read the secret musings of an imperfect human. Imperfect is the word to best describe all humans, even me (even though sometimes my pride reveals a different side).

We tend to forget that throughout life mistakes happen, people fall, people fail. Does this make everything that once was good, bad, or should it enhance our perception on the past? Should we throw the baby out with the bath water in order to cleanse the hurt, the pain? I ask these questions now because one day maybe someone, even myself, might ask them about me. Might ask them about these thoughts that I write today. That's why I must caution myself to write through the spirit of truth. Therefore if perchance I might make a mistake or forget the Truth I can rely on the grace that leads me. One day when I reread these small passages I might find the grace to read with perceptivity and not the critical spirit that as humans we are so fond of.

The main reason I choose to write a blog is not just because it's the new best thing but hopefully it enhances the ability for others and myself to find Truth, to find the balance to live life in the fullest. Maybe in reading or in thinking on these musings I might find the balance to church, to family, and to life. I know I might be asking too much but I believe writing used to be about finding yourself, about finding truth. It wasn't just about propagating truth to others but finding truth for oneself. I also hope that in revealing myself to those around me I might receive the constructive criticism I need to grow and the affirmation I need to run. That the musings of a man living in the quarter-life might help the man who's living in the half-life. So to you, you handsome devil, learn, grow and always search for Truth.