I wasn’t sure what to expect.  Actually, that’s a lie; I had very low expectations.  I thought it would be miserable.  I thought I’d have to walk most of my “usual” neighborhood run.  I thought I’d be in in pain and gasping for breath.  Yeah, I need to work on my evaluation of myself, right?  Another post for another time.

Here’s a few words/phrases to describe the run:

• Short.
• Hard.
• Beautiful.
• Long overdue.
• Sweaty.
• Man I missed this.
• My calves are going to hate me tomorrow.
• I should have eased back into running.
• I should have eased back into running in my Vibrams.
• My boobs hurt.  Sorry if that’s TMI, but anyone who has breast-fed while running…okay, not simultaneously in time but you know what I mean, will tell you that it’s not always comfortable!
• The soles of my feet are tender.
• It’s harder to run when I’m heavier.  Just call me Captain Obvious.
• I can’t wait to do it again.  So long as the weather is nice.

Bottom line is this: I did it.  I ran more than I walked.  It took me about 6 minutes longer than my “normal” pre-baby time.  It was harder on my muscles than on my lungs.  And I don’t know why the heck I waited so darn long.

So guess what?  Apparently when you plan to change your entire way of eating, some planning is required in order for that to be a success.  Go figure!

Also, news flash?  Babies take up a LOT of time.  Where BB (“Before Baby”) I could have zipped out to Costco or the grocery store any time to stock up, and had time to cook most nights (I didn’t say I actually cooked most nights, just that I had time!), now … not so much.

So, yeah.  I made it about a week before my (a) failure to plan/cook/shop ahead and (b) inability to make time for such things mid-week derailed me.

Oh, and then there was the GSS2012 (Great Snow Storm of 2012) wherein we were “snowed in” for a week.  And by snowed in, I mean we had 12+ inches of snow and we live on a hill, so although the roads were mostly fine about a mile from our house, there was no getting out of our neighborhood unless I wanted to slip and slide in my car like I was on skis.

So, yeah.  Crap, I already said that.

Anyhoo, in an effort to be more realistic, I am taking this week and coming weekend to do my shopping/planning/cooking ahead.  In the meantime, I am back to no sugar starting now.  Each day I will do one thing to prepare for my change in food choices.  Except today, when I am going back to the gym.  For the first time since Alana was born.  I’m signing us up for a family membership and I will break a sweat.  That’s more important to me, today, than anything else.

Here’s the plan:

Tuesday: Costco after work.
Wednesday: Cook one Paleo-friendly meal, freeze at least 4 servings of same.
Thursday: Grocery store after work.
Friday: Same as Wednesday.
Saturday: Cook 2-3 meals, freeze, also prep snacks for the week.
Sunday: Same as Saturday.

Workout-wise:

Monday (today): Gym
Tuesday: Wii Fit
Wednesday: Gym
Thursday: Mid-day walk (little rain in forecast)
Friday: Rest (I have a hearing that day and like to get home early on Fridays if I can!)
Saturday: Gym
Sunday: Not sure, walk with hubs hopefully?

How about you peeps?  How are you all doing?  Please don’t say “I told you so” on the whole failing to plan is planning to fail thingy. 

Gratuitous baby pic:

Right after I gave birth, I started losing weight like CRAZY!  Taking care of a newborn full-time (and the resulting loss of two-handed-ness) combined with breast-feeding meant that I had lost nearly 30 pounds in 6 weeks.  Then I went back to work.  And, you guessed it, gained some of that weight BACK!  I got my hands back, my milk supply dipped a bit (pumping just isn’t as effective as the baby at keeping the supply going!), I wasn’t taking care of a baby 24×7, and boredom eating in front of the computer snuck back in.

Long story short, I’m still down about 20 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight, but that means I’ve got 25 pounds of pregnancy weight to lose, plus the 10 or so pounds of holiday weight I gained last year right before getting pregnant!  Are you still with me?

In any case, I’m not ready to make weight loss my priority and I’m not going to do anything drastic because that could jeopardize my milk supply, something I’m not willing to do.  But I do want to start making the move towards healthier eating habits both for me and my baby.  So here is my loose plan (subject to revision if anything messes with my milk supply or just doesn’t feel right):

• Starting yesterday, I am off sugar, grains, and processed foods.  This is with the thought that eventually I will transition to the Paleo way of eating at least 80-90% of the time.
• Next (probably next week but nothing is set in stone) I will eliminate legumes and reduce my dairy intake.  I’ve decided to do that more gradually (rather than eliminating dairy altogether) and really watch closely to see if/how it impacts my milk production.
• I am committing to a 20 minute walk 5 days/week.  This is a VERY small step and a time commitment I know I can follow-through on, so if I don’t, it’s just because I chose not to make it a priority.
• Within the next 4-6 weeks, I will start my one month of unlimited CrossFit.

So far (one day in), being sugar and grain free has been okay.  Of course I think of sugary foods or bread (I love sandwiches!) often and have had to say “no” to several cravings.  And of course, my office just happens to be one of those offices where there are constantly “treat” foods around – literally.  No, seriously: we order candy and Goldfish in bulk from Costco!  And there are cupcakes or donuts or other pastries on an almost daily basis!  But it actually feels really good, right now, to be choosing not to eat those foods.

I remind myself often that this is a choice and nothing is forever.  I can choose to eat ice cream tomorrow if I want to.  But last time I did, I didn’t feel very good.  And ice cream isn’t going to disappear off the planet, so who cares if I go a month (or three) without eating it?

I also remind myself that some things (like ice cream or store-bought cookies) are always available and are not worth a “cheat,” while other things (such as my grandmother’s homemade kibbee with fresh pita bread!) are more rare and are worth the splurge!  So far (again, only one day in) nothing has crossed my path that has been rare enough to reverse my decision to be sugar- and grain-free.

So there you have it.  No resolutions, nothing set in stone.  Just a starting point for a year in which I will continue my journey towards a healthier me.

How were the holidays for everyone?  We had a wonderful time celebrating Christmas with my family.  If you know us, you know that “just us” is still a handful – my parents, my sister and her family of 6 (her, her husband, and FOUR kids ages 1.5 to 16!), my brother, me, hubs, and Alana.  So even a “quiet” family Christmas is loud and chaotic at time, which I absolutely love.  We had a traditional Lebanese meal (kibbee for those of you who are familiar) and broke in the new Kinect my parents bought for my sister’s family.

New Years?  Well, the way we spent our New Year’s Eve is perhaps a testament to our new lives.  We were asleep until about 11:58, when my phone blowing up with “Happy New Year!” texts woke us up ever so briefly.  Then I went back to sleep after kissing my hubs and wishing him (and a sleeping Alana) a Happy New Year and hubs got up to play video games all night.  (Yes, we are just about as opposite as can be!)  And really?  It didn’t feel weird or sad or like anything was missing to not stay up partying until midnight to ring in the new year.  It felt just right to do it the way we did.

Another thing that feels just right is that I’ve not had the usually irresistible compulsion need  to scurry around figuring out what my resolutions are this year.  I’ve never been huge on resolutions.  Let me rephrase that; I don’t really feel strongly about them one way or the other.  I think they are a great tool for some people, a stumbling block for others, or something to which you might be completely ambivalent, like me.

I do, however, think it’s useful many times each year to revisit your goals and vision for your life, and that’s something I’ve been thinking about over the last several weeks.  For me, as fun as the holidays are, they also make me a little introspective as I think about my “year in review”…which naturally leads me to think of the coming year.  Broken down into months, weeks, days, hours, and choices.

So look for a post about that soon.  Where I’m headed this week/month/year.  I am not 100% sure what it will look like yet, but I do know some of what I’m committing to THIS week/month.

How about you?  Are you a resolution person?  Or perhaps you took the holidays/New Year as an opportunity to brush off your goals and update a bit?  Please to share!

Gratuitous baby pic:

I was driving the other day thinking about a few things, including the fact that I’m nowhere near my goal weight and that I’ve actually gained a few of the pounds I lost right after giving birth.  And I realized that as badly as I want to start losing weight again and as much as I wish that I hadn’t gained those few pounds, I am not berating myself.  I don’t feel like crap about it.  It’s not the end of the world.

Let me say that again: it’s not the end of the world.

Being heavier than I want to be does not make me a bad person.

It doesn’t make me unworthy or unloveable.

And then I realized that one of the side effects, for me, of motherhood (and I think being in a healthy, loving marriage has also contributed to this!) is that I am learning to love myself and my body just as I am.  Oh, sure, there will be days when this doesn’t feel true.  But you know what?  This body grew my little girl for 9 months, nourished her, kept her safe, and brought her into this world (with a little help)!  Damn if that is not the coolest thing ever.  So how could I possibly hate this body of mine?

The answer is that I can’t.  Not right now.  And that’s a new and amazing thing for me.

What events in your life have taught you to love yourself and your body regardless of its current condition?

Gratuitous baby pic:

The first few weeks after I had Alana, I lost weight extremely rapidly.  And it’s a good thing, too – I gained more while pregnant than I planned!   The reasons for the rapid weight loss were, I think, a combination of the increased calorie burn from breastfeeding and the fact that I had a hard time making time to eat.  I know, that probably sounds crazy.  But when you have a newborn who wants to eat every two hours (timed from the start of each feeding, not including actual feeding time…i.e., feeding at 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, etc.) and who wants to be held all. the. time. … well, it doesn’t leave much time for anything.  Much less something that requires two hands.

At about 6 weeks, though, Alana started becoming a bit easier to handle.  She ate less often – every 2-3 hours during the day, but up to 6 hours at night.  And yes, she did the coveted “sleeping through the night” thing at 6 weeks, sleeping 6 hours or more almost every night since then.  (We’re up to 8 hours most nights now.)  We were able to start putting her down for short periods of time (thank God for the swing!).  So my ability to eat regularly returned, and with it my appetite.  All of a sudden I went from not really *feeling* the appetite many say comes along with the breastfeeding calorie burn, to being ravenous almost constantly.

Since then I’ve struggled (and mostly failed) to eat healthily and in normal portions.  And today I realized that I am tired of the negative.  You know – instead of wanting to eat something healthy, feeling like I have to “cut out” something unhealthy.  And I realized that it works better for me mentally to be proactive – to add things in – to pursue the positives that I want in my life, rather than avoiding the negatives.  So here’s what I’m going to do: start setting “positive” goals.  New goals each month or so based on what I need to work on.  Right now, that means adding things in to my diet that I am lacking, such as lots o’ veggies!

Here are my current goals, which are subject to change without notice blah blah blah:

• Try to eat at least 5 servings of veggies every day.
• Eat breakfast within 2 hours of waking up every day.
• Drink 10+ glasses of milk every day.
• Walk or work out 5 days/week.

I am hoping that adding in the healthy stuff will naturally start to “crowd out” the less healthy stuff.

What do you think?

• My daughter’s birth story;
• How I’m going to get back in shape;
• How I owe an apology to every mother-friend I ever advised to choose a workout over sleep;
• And on and on the list goes.

But really?

This is what’s been going on in my world:

September 15, 2011.  11:08 a.m.  Alana Annika.  7 pounds, 9 ounces.  20.5 inches long.  23 hours of labor.  Emergency c-section.

Love.

Adoration.

Sleep-deprivation.

World-changing.

This is what I’ve been living:

And this…

And this…

And a lot of these photos are crappy because I take them in the middle of the night with my iPhone.  But how can you resist:

Just a couple more now…

I promise, almost done…

Proud mommy much?  Absolutely.  But really, she is just the most beautiful thing.

And being a mom?

It’s more.

Harder.

Better.

Bigger.

Than I’d ever imagined.

But 100% worth it.

So this is my life now.  It’s almost all of my life for now, as I figure out (a) how to be a mom who (b) works full time and (c) lives without the 8+ hours/night of precious sleep I’ve been addicted to all my life.  Workouts haven’t even hit my radar screen yet.  Well, they have…but right now I’d have to give up sleep to make them happen, so it’s all walking, all the time for this girl.  And Alana comes along, so it’s good bonding time.  And no, it’s not going to be what helps me lose the baby (and then some) weight.  Or get me in shape for Ragnar or the Warrior Dash next year.  But I have my whole life to train and lose weight and run and be fit, and only these few precious weeks to enjoy my newborn.  So that’s what I’m doing.

I’ll write more eventually.  As much as I can, whenever I can.  Which is probably going to be on my lunch break at work for a long time now.  But I’m still here.  Just…figuring out life now.

And know that I’m keeping up with you!  I read your blogs on my phone while breastfeeding, or while waiting in the doctor’s office, or while sitting in court waiting for a hearing to start.  So no commenting yet, but I am listening.  And cheering for you all.  Pulling for you.  Missing being a bigger part of our community.

But really?  This:

This is where I’m at right now.  So I know you understand.  And for that, and for YOU, and for this baby?  I. AM. GRATEFUL.

Welcome to the world, Alana.  Your mommy loves you so much.

Pregnancy is pretty amazing and also quite strange.  I am now 35.5 weeks pregnant; my due date for those of you crazy people who don’t remember that the world revolves around this is September 15.  I can now see the baby moving from outside my body and it’s oddly reminiscent of that scene in Alien…you know the one I’m talking about, right?  Think belly-squirming-alien right before it pops out – that’s what it looks like sometimes!

So far I am blessed to feel pretty darned good.  I do get occasional aches and pains, but overall I am feeling amazing given the fact that I’m 30 pounds heavier (within the healthy range of 25-35 pounds of weight gain for pregnancy) and carrying a baby that is now roughly 6 pounds heavy.  I know that as my due date approaches this might change, but right now I’m just feeling really thankful for how NOT miserable my pregnancy has been.  I know I’m lucky and that many women have a much rougher time being pregnant.

Strange as it might seem, although I am not in a rush for my pregnancy to be over, I have been thinking a LOT lately about my post-pregnancy goals.  Some of you may remember that I signed up for the Warrior Dash and committed to running Ragnar only to find out that I was pregnant and would be unable to complete either of those events.  I don’t begrudge my baby girl either of these things, but having watched my friends complete both events recently has really whetted my appetite for getting back to it once I get back into shape!

So I’m here to say, I’ve got me some goalz, people.  I’ll write about this more in the future, but right now here is the brief sketch of what I’m thinking:

• Ease into walking (with baby, of course) as quickly as my body allows after I deliver.
• Once I feel up to it and have my doctor’s clearance, I will start P90X again for strength training.
• Once I feel up to it/doc’s approval, I will ease back into jogging.  I can’t wait for this, even though I know I’ve lost a LOT of my running fitness and will have to start slow!
• Warrior Dash and Ragnar are roughly 9 months after my due date…so I’m thinking participating in both events might be in my future.  9 months post-partum seems reasonable for this, no?

Anyhow, just wanted to share what’s on my mind.  I’m still keeping up with y’all via your blogs and have even *gasp* been spotted on Twitter recently!   Would love to hear from you here or there if you want to say hi. 

Did you know that it’s normally run by teams of 12 runners, but they are doing it as an ultra team with just 6 runners?

Did you know that even if they hadn’t started this, these friends are amazing, courageous people?
That just starting Ragnar would have been a display of courage that puts me in awe?
And that finishing just takes the already present awesometasticness to a whole ‘nother level?!?

Please show them some love today.  Tweet, text, comment, e-mail…however you know to get in touch with them.

These girls?  They rock.

I had a tough experience the other day; I went out for a run and 2 minutes into it, my round ligaments started to feel sore.  I’m pretty in touch with my body these days and I’ve been really good during my pregnancy at listening to it more.  (Note to self: hang on to this habit once the baby is born!)  So of course I quit running and walked instead.  And it was a great walk with a friend, about 4 miles or so in the warm sunshine.  Good company, moving my body, sun on my face…what more could I ask?

Instead of enjoying that, though, I started to throw a little big-ass pity party for myself when I got home.  Did this mean that I was going to have to give up running for the rest of my pregnancy?  How can I call myself a runner if that’s true?  What would people think?!?

Screeching halt.  What would people think?!  What do I care what people think?!  And why was I turning a one-time experience into an end-of-the-world scenario instead of just treating it like what it was – a run that wasn’t meant to be?

Oh, yeah.  Pregnancy.  Hormones.  Fatigue.  As unaffected – mood-wise, I mean – as I mostly feel by being pregnant, I’m not.  Unaffected, that is.  And that’s okay.  And it’s okay that I didn’t run.  It’s even okay if I don’t run again for the rest of my pregnancy.

I’m not saying I won’t run again for the next three months; I’ll give it another try or two and see how my body responds.  And it might be just fine for me to keep running until…well, until.  Until my body says “stop.”  Or the other day might have been my body’s way of saying “no more, hon…give it a break” until the baby is born.  We’ll just see.

You know what else?  Whether I run or not for the duration of this pregnancy doesn’t make me a runner…or not.  What other people think of me doesn’t make me a runner…or not.  Being a runner isn’t about speed, or distance, or how often you do it or whether you need to take walk breaks or anything else.

Being a runner, for me?  It’s about loving it.  And missing it when I can’t, regardless of the reason.  And knowing that running will be a part of your my life for as long as I want it to be.  And also understanding that as life changes and evolves, so can running.  How you do it, when you fit it in, what it means to you…running is the least-static thing on the planet, which is a good thing because life?  So not static.

So what makes you a runner?  And how do you keep from turning one bad run into the end of the world?