I’m going to let you into the real world. I am a substitute teacher. And I like to teach. But I do find myself unable to connect synapses effectively to write sentences. And as such? We’re going to run a speed picks.

The only question that the Crimson Tide have is when UT-Chatanooga falls completely out of reach.
Florida cannot win by more than 45 until they do. So that means I take Florida International to cover.
I want to pick Ole Miss for bowing to political correctness, but I don’t want a burning lowercase t on my lawn because those idiots in the KKK decided to roll up on the game site to defend the Confederacy. So LSU. I choose you. (And the 4.5 points.)
In the uncreative nickname bowl? I take Kentucky to cover. The Georgia offense seems to be wholly A.J. Green centric and the line’s at 9.5 points. The Cats won’t beat Dogs, but they sure can keep it close.
This will be a respect check. Team Kiffin got broke last week. The defense especially. They have Vandy coming in to Rocky Top. They always beat Vandy at Rocky Top. But 17 points? You know what? I’ll take it. Rocky Top can get to 28 points.
I’ll say that Mississippi State and 11.5 points is intriguing. But can I take it? No. I’m a wimp. And it looks like Arkansas can win by 2 scores.

Last Week: 3-4
Overall: 41-32

See? (Now there was no controversy in the SEC…) Week #12 Edition

The hyperbolery for this week? It goes to the Prius three. And the fact that the two dumbasses who were dumb enough to wear Tennessee gear for their robbery attempt? They gone. And they took my dreams of a Steak Bowl loss with them. Anyway…

Alabama: Okay, I’ll give you credit. Mississippi State was never really in the game. And that’s an impressive feat. I just wish you would have taken the bye instead of doing the 1-AA cupcake game. But hey. I’m cranky.
Florida: Still in that nebulous place above good, but not yet great. LSU is this years delineation between good and bad teams. And they have not played anyone else. If they lose? They’re out of the National Championship conversation. And Steve Addazio should be fired.
LSU: The bellwether. Beat them, and you can consider your team good. Lose to them? You’re above average to bad. Ole Miss and Arkansas aren’t gimmes either.
Ole Miss: In terms of weapons? Dexter McCluster is scary. And this modern-day David Palmer is going to find himself being the Swiss Army home run threat that will make a team that much better.
Tennessee: I’m still chuckling in regards to the Prius robbery. I know Edwards and Richardson is gone. But this is still one of the most hilariest ends to a season for those fans of schadenfreude. And I am.
Georgia: If they win out and LSU loses once? They could actually finish in a tie for third in the SEC in their single worst season ever. Okay, not ever. But since they lost so much skill position talent.
Arkansas: They are cupcake eaters. Destroyers of the bottom six conferences. They need to beat LSU to have a year deemed as good.
Auburn: You know what? You need multiple bye weeks to be strong in the no-huddle system. The team could be interesting, when it comes to the Iron Bowl. Maybe. Alabama’s practicing a week ahead.  
South Carolina: Attempting to get the power of the U.S. Army on your side doesn’t work. Army can’t even get help from being powered by the U.S. Army when it comes to the football.
Kentucky: You’re bowl eligible for the 4th straight year. GREATEST. RUN. IN. WILDCAT. FOOTBALL. HISTORY. Oh, John Wall hit a game winner? Never mind then.
Mississippi State: They finally got killed in a game. Not for nothing, but this is the first time they were never really in it versus Alabama. It is what it is.
Vanderbilt: [Joke about how nobody gives a flying flip about this team anymore because the basketball season has started].

Hi, you know me. You know what I am and what I stand for. And this week? Let’s race through this.

Kentucky -3 @ Vanderbilt

I would say that this would be a close battle? But Derrick Locke is back. Randall Cobb is back. And Trevard Lindley is back. Big Blue gonna go to a Pizza Bowl tomorrow. Just like that.

Tennessee +4.5 @ Ole Miss

Never doubt the power of us against the world. You have a team lose two key and a third promising player in an armed robbery so stupid, Jeff Dunham’s already put it into his act. Everybody’s mocking the Wild Boys of UT. But with Ole Miss being as bad as I predicted? I am going with the New New Age Outlaws of Tennessee. I mean, it’s Tennessee. You play football and fans are going to allow you to put guns in their face.

Yes, even Crompton.

Auburn +5 @ Georgia

In a shooutout that’s bound to make people happy they took the over, the good Chris Todd will outduel the Ginger Ninja in a battle of D-Coordinators having a bad year.  Also? Auburn can run while Georgia not so much. I would take this even if the line was reversed.

Troy @ -15 Arkansas
Lousiana Tech @ -24 LSU

Arkansas cleared that line going up against South Carolina. I mean, come on. And Troy allowed 56 to Floreeda. And add in the perception of bulletin board talk? And yeah. LSU can only crush in-state secondary schools this year. So yeah. It’s a late season cupcake. Eat it up.

Pickle Boat -16 @ Visored Ball Coach

Steve Addazio will finally get that dive option play working. Or Phil Stamper’s violent mauling of Stephen Garcia will be called as an illegal crackback block for the Gators. Either way. Fiddle de dee because I do declare South Carolina hath swooned.

Alabama @ +14 Mississippi State

They know why. Even if they shut down Anthony Dixon. The Bulldogs shall cover.

Last Week: 3-1
Overall: 38-27 (58% is good, right? Right? Validate me!)

And it is this. Wednesday is the hardest day of practice. You put the gameplan in, you hit hardest, you do your most running to be prepared for the 4th quarter? And as such, you may feel a need to let off some steam.

A few would run headlong into their studies. Some would watch a television based program. Many would hit up that Madden. Or, you could commit a light felony. Sounds crazy, you say? Ask the three Tennessee freshman who got picked up for Armed Robbery last night.

In a story tailor made for Deadspin, Nu’Keese Richardson, Janzen jackson, and Mike Edwards were all arrested for an attempted armed robbery last night, that considering the circumstances? You have to admit is quite hilarious.

Don’t believe me? Check out the Bullet Points.

• Their choice of victim? A big money Volunteer booster. Somoene who probably brought Jackson and Richardson into Knoxville.
• And yet they didn’t have any cash money. That’s right. The Great Volunteer Robbery netted a grand total of zero dollars.
• At least one of the robbers was wearing something related to Tennessee football as well.
• The getaway car? A Prius.

Yep, in the scheme of things to do on a Wednesday night? The future of Volunteer football decided to half-ass an armed robbery. And as such? Let me explain how the shout-out from the dopeman rhymer Lil’ Wayne was a signal to these kids to rob and steal…

Kidding! I’m just kidding!

H/T: Chris Low

Apparently, the SEC controversies are about to disappear.

We know all about how Patrick Peterson got one foot down and had an obvious pick called out because of some inexplicable reason. (Though you notice how all of the bad calls went against teams playing Florida or Alabama with one notable exception? Maybe Mike Silve is Gulf Coast for David Stern). But we have a situation where Florida and Alabama have two weak schedules finishing out.

Odds are that they will get a chance at a BCS Championship game. Neither team looks completely worthy. But hey? Free money.

Anyway…

Florida: I’m more angry at Alabama than I am with you, right now. Enjoy my benevolence.
Alabama: I have nothing nice to say to you. You’re a favored son and are playing UT-Chatanooga a week from Saturday. I am actively rooting for you to lose. LOSE! Have you lost yet? COME ON!
LSU: You know what’s the saddest thing of all? If you beat Florida, you would have had all these ridiculous calls go your way. Let that rock you to sleep, Les Miles.
Tennessee You look to be on a collision course with my local college football team in one of those brand name bowls in Florida that I’m never up for.
Auburn: They better overpay for Gus Malzahn to keep him around next year. Because he has this team at the very least frisky, and with two weeks to prepare for Alabama? The Rn Bowl is going to be delightfully messy.
Ole Miss: I cannot fake any enthusiasm for this team. You beat Northern Arizona. You get an internet cookie.
Georgia: Furman got 31 on Auburn. Maybe in the second half you can finally find your offense? Just in time for Kentucky! Whoo!
South Carolina: Who would have though this collapse is something related to a poor running game? I know I wouldn’t. They really need Mississippi State to not get bowl eligible to save their season. 
Arkansas: There’s a shot at winning out for this team. I know it’s not much, but 7-4 going into LSU is something that you can call a success. Should have been 8-3, but it’s a new dawn and a new day going into 2010.
Kentucky: It doesn’t matter how ugly of a win this could be, you just have to win to get to bowl eligible. A 3-2 win is equal to bowl eligibility.
Mississippi State: Hopefully, you are prepared to be right screwerd again this week if Alabama pulls up and you make interesting. I mean it. You’re not going to win. Sorry about your luck.
Vanderbilt: You can murder the hopes and dreams of all seven UK faithful who aren’t busy riding John “Paul” Wall’s jock. That’s all the hope you’ve got left.

It’s Gimme Week at the SEC ballpark

I mean really. Four games versus the Division 1-AA is the sort of thing that the rest of the world looks at when they get sick and tired of the medias talk of the SEC as the single greatest conference of all time. So you know what that means?

Auburn
Ole Miss
Georgia
Kentucky

You get a gimme to better your bowl eligibility. Congratulations.

As for the ones with guts and nuts? 

LSU at -7.5 Alabama

Suddenly, this game gets interesting after Alabama goes on a bye and LSU blanked Tulane 42-0. In the perception game? It’s going to be a classic. In the actual game? Take Bama. They can run the ball and defend well enough that they should answer Florida with a 13-3 win over LSU on their own.

Vanderbilt +35 at Florida

The half game suspension and the half game self-imposed benching for Brandon Spikes will allow Vanderbilt to move the ball somewhat. Vanderbilt has always been somewhat unbreakable on defense, even in their weakened state. Last week was a bit of an abberation. I think Florida gets to 40. But Vanderbilt gets to seven. That’s a cover.   

South Carolina +7 at Arkansas

Ten weeks in and these two teams wax and wane so wildly that you cannot get a bead on these teams. Is South Carolina in a swoon? How could Arkansas let Eastern Michigan cover? Am I asking rhetorical questions in an effort to pad my word count?  Suffice it to say, take the fighting Stephen Garcias.

Memphis at -26 Tennessee

At least this game has a local justification. Even if this is as much of a gimme as the other SEC non-conference games on the docket. The defense is stout, and game manager Crompton is a force of competency that will get a four touchdown win.

Last Week: 3-4
Overall: 35-26

LSU journey’s to Tuscaloosa this week to face the No. 3 team in the nation, the Crimson Tide. This will be Nick Saban’s second showdown with his former team. Coach Saban has tried to downplay that aspect of this game. Even without the history between Saban and LSU this is one of the most anticipated games of the season. It is a top 10 match-up that could have a major impact on the SEC championship. If Alabama wins Saturday they will clinch the SEC West, if they lose they could possibly miss the trip to Atlanta. Both teams have a lot of luck on their side. Nobody doubts Alabama’s luck after their win against Tennessee, and who can doubt Les Miles’ luck after their games against Georgia and Mississippi State.

LSU and Alabama are statistically very similar teams. Both teams have very strong defenses, and both teams quarterbacks have very similar stats. LSU’s biggest weakness I think will be third rushing defense which has been allowing an average of 114 yards per game this season. Alabama’s Achilles’ heel seems to be their ability to convert in the red zone. With both teams weaknesses and strengths the performance of a few key players on each team could be the deciding factor.

LSU has two of the strongest receivers in the SEC in Terrance Toliver and Brandon LaFell. If they are able to break free consistently on Saturday it could spell disaster for the Tide. Add to that running back Charles Scott who seems to be ready for a breakout performance this season, and LSU’s offense could cause some damage.

Alabama’s big offensive weapon is obviously Mark Ingram. With already over a 1,000 yards rushing this season, Ingram will come into this game rested and ready to go I’m sure. This week will probably be the performance of the season for Ingram. Alabama also has Julio Jones, who just like LSU’s Charles Scott, is prime for a breakout performance. Add to that Marquis Maze and Trent Richardson, and Alabama has the offensive weapons to reek havoc on the LSU defense as well.

I think this could be one of the best games of the season. Many are predicting this to be a relatively low scoring game. I think I agree with that. I do expect Alabama to pull it out by at least one touchdown. Right now my prediction is Alabama wins 24-17.

This means a stiff move where I get flipped by an undersized tough guy. So basically? Dan Mullen.

Vanderbilt: Good looking out on getting 31 points on Georgia Tech. Bad looking out on nearly getting doubled up. 
Georgia: I could make a snarky joke about how the good Lord really does not care about sports due to the failings of these here Bulldogs. But they lost a lot from last season. It was supposed to be a dropoff. I know it’s a big difference between 8-4 and 6-6, but still.
Kentucky: Mississippi State damages, but in no way kills (FCS Gimme and Vanderbilt equal 6 wins) their bowl eligibility. The fact that their skilled players are dropping like some characters in an Agatha Christie Novel is a problem that needs solving.
Mississippi State: Can they get to 6 wins? Alabama could be feeling really relieved after their game against LSU. Arkansas vibes like they have peaked. And if they go into the Egg Bowl with five wins? Ole Miss is the sort of team that will roll over.
Arkansas: The Bobby Petrino Supersystem still looks like its peaked. I mean, EMU is the sort of team that allows 500 yards rushing to previously winless teams. It could have been 630-27 and I would have said meh.
Ole Miss: Giggidy. They’re roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp as if they were the victims of Bobby Budnick tomfoolery.
South Carolina: Traveling to Arkansas when everybody and their mother is saying you’ve hit the collapse portion of your schedule? Not as easy of a challenge, even if Arkansas seems to have peaked.
Auburn: MALZAHN-MANIA has returned!!! And they get Furman this week. Chris Todd may be able to get his swagger back with this road work.
Tennessee: So long as I post here, I think I will leave the Crompton alone. He’s become a competent game manager. And with the sort of team UT has? That will be good enough to probably win out.

Youy’re welcome.
LSU: They’ve tuned up the band properly. They look ready. And Alabama’s default mode is vulnerable after last weekend’s bye.
Alabama: See? I moved Florida up in importance.  
Florida: They’ll wait for the SEC West to shake out. It’s either Championship or spoiling a BCS dream for them.

See? You cannot abide these tactics.

UPDATE: Brandon Spikes is suspended for a half of football. Versus Vanderbilt. He sure learned his lesson.

Ole Miss -4.5 at Auburn

Is Jevan Snead back? No. But will it matter this week? Also no. Ole Miss has a strong defensive line. Chris Todd needs to win this for the Tigers.  

Florida vs. +16 Georgia

No. Until Florida scores 30 points? They don’t get a spot where they get a double digit cover. Joe Cox to A.J. Green is worth 10 to 14 points on its own. And Florida gets a bad call. Apparently, David Stern is donating his commissioner strategies to young Mike Silve.

Eastern Michigan at -38 Arkansas

You have a team that can run the ball with an aptitude rolling up against a team that went up and gave up 500 yards rushing to a previously winless Mid-American team. I’m not saying that this is a lock, EMU could get two scores. But I would be more surprised by a running game that doesn’t get over 350 yards and put up 50 points.

Mississippi State +3.5 at Kentucky

Not the game of the week, per se. But this will be interesting. Big Blue will have not much name to their defense. But they do have Cobb. Will Dan Mullen try and fail at some Boise State trickeration? Does Kentucky get this to get bowl eligible? I’m inclined to say yes to both. Big Blue 28, Best 3-6 team of all time 27.  

Georgia Tech -12 at Vanderbilt

Easy logic. Georgia Tech’s offense can run the ball for 20-30 points against anybody. Vandy’s lucky to get to 14. I feel safe in going down this road.

South Carolina at +6 Tennessee

This will be a game for people named Strong Rockpunch and Captain Munnerlyn. Fight regarding fists. Punch your opponent in face. Crompton rally. The line has gone back to Tennessee, but I will take the points where I found it.  

Tulane +36 at LSU

My first instincts is that the Green Wave don’t have a defense to bring to the table. But upon further review? I have to take the cover. The Tigers are going to go vanilla. There is more power to waiting onto the next week and making a trick play to beat Alabama.

Not that they will, but still. That’s the plan-ey, Stan-ey.  

My prediction? Pain.