What if we’re never friends again?

I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

This friend has been an awesome, really great and fun friend. But there are times when this friend is a really bad friend. And over the last couple of months it has become worse, and I just want it to stop. I thought initially that it was just a phase so I let it go. Then I realised that it wasn’t, and I started pulling away, and then it got more annoying because pulling away made it worse. This friend has put me down for no reason and intentionally hurt my feelings and has said things that they know will upset me. They criticise me (and other friends) and every other time I hang out with them I’m almost waiting for it to happen. Sometimes it’s fun, and then something will happen to upset this friend, and everything becomes negative. I really value this friendship but not in the state that it’s in. I feel like the friend is being too possessive and everything that doesn’t go their way, I have to be some source of comfort or blame. I’m not taking this shit anymore.

No. I don’t want speeches. Now leave me alone.

Sometimes I wish I could express my physical feelings through words.

Someone asked me what my favourite thing about Ukraine was recently, and I couldn’t really give a proper answer which made me feel like a bit of a sham because I will talk about Ukraine and how awesome it is to anyone who wishes to listen.

I don’t know. Feeling so weird and nervous. I might go look at tattoos and figure out which ones I want. Even though I don’t want anymore than the ones I have already planned.

Log of my time at work: 31st August 2011

5.25pm: Hmmmmm. My heart feels so uneasy.

5.33pm: *sighs* still a few a hours away til peak Facebook usage. I wonder if I should start writing Rebecca’s speech. But this uneasy feeling is too overwhelming.

5.54pm: Pintresting.

7.00pm: ate a pie.

8.05pm: feeling emotionally sensitive. As usual.

8.20pm: huuuuuugh

8.41pm: figuring out who I want to be

9.09pm: thinking about how my parents didn’t support me in doing Shave For A Cure and how much I hate them for it.

9.19pm: wondering why I get so affected when my parents try to stop me from doing/being who I want to be.

9.47pm: one of those moods where I don’t feel like I could genuinely smile.

9.51pm: can’t wait until I can go home.

9.54pm: I don’t want to talk to my parents.

9.55pm: going to do some shelving.

10.25pm: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

10.31pm: life is so boring when I’m experiencing it alone.

10.38pm: life is SUPER BORING when I’m experiencing it alone.

10.52pm: my stomach hurts.

10.53pm: hoping that I don’t screw things up, even though I always feel like I do.

10.54pm: my stomach hurts.

10.55pm: wishing Facebook was more interesting.

11.05pm: Texting Chico about China stuff. My stomach still hurts.

11.27pm: eating bread.

1.05am: yay at home eating noodles.

Getting back from one of the coolest overseas trips and having to get back to uni is one tough bitch.

I actually had this post planned out in my head but I’m so lost right now that I’ve forgotten what I was going to write, which makes me sad.

I remember there being something about the fact that I have little to no motivation to do anything now, and how it reminds me of when I came back from Ukraine/Malaysia. That sucked. That sucked big fat balls. Now I feel the same, except way more tired, which is weird, I don’t normally get so jetlagged when coming back from Malaysia. Anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel kind of sad- I guess it’s what happens when someone who hates being herself is suddenly solo after two weeks of being amongst a throng of crazy friends. It feels so weird.

I don’t know what I’m going to do this semester. No AIESEC work, only uni work and parttime work twice a week. I might start trying harder in my law papers- but totally lack motivation to do so. I realised this earlier this morning while sitting in Contract and not remembering anything from last semester. I’m really scared about what that might mean. I feel oddly emotional right now. Like I was sitting in Contracts thinking about how I wanted to cry, though I can’t remember why. I feel like nothing has come back to normalcy depsite the two days I gave myself to readjust.

The trip was super duper awesome. Let’s talk about that for a moment. My favourite destination was Langkawi. So much relaxing- so much sleeping- oh so good. The people I went with made it all the better. The trip would have been nothing without them. There was a point in the year where I was regretting buying the tickets because it was costing so much. Looking back I have no idea what I was complaining about. That trip was super and I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. It was worth every cent.

I totally want some noodles.

Why can I no longer enjoy free time? FREE TIME. FREE TIME TO DO WHAT EVAH THE FUCK I WAN’! I fuckin’ hate free time. I wish I were busy 90% of the time and then 10% have free time because that’d be awesome, and I’d be able to appreciate free time. I hate having to entertain myself.

I think I’d make a really good lawyer because I feel like this mentality will make me a workaholic.

I finished my Contracts reading (OMG, miracle, though still haven’t caught up at all that I need to do for Public WHICH I HATE!!!) I have tided my room, caught up on my 30 Day Photo Challenge and I have also picked up my flute and I am really surprised at how much I still remember. Perhaps with the weekends like this, I might be able to do 5 papers next semester, but I really don’t want to, please don’t make me :(

I think that it is going to be very hard for me to keep up next semester because like many people I have this tendency to forget and stray away from what I was doing, e.g. 30 Day Photo Challenge, I realised today that I had left it for so long that I have pretty much reached the end of my month. So stupid.

So.

How does one keep up with goals/activities?

How was I able to do everything back in high school? I guess one of the things was that everything was planned and so externally enforced, you didn’t really have to do much work except for turn up to practices and games. Pretty simple stuff. I work well with rules and framework which has been somewhat of a challenge since starting uni, trying to make myself work without the pressure of external forces.

Then there are things which I have managed to keep up with, like this blog, because it fulfills a need I have to put thoughts down. I guess where there is less need, there must be more drive to keep things going.

I’m going to need to find a new hobby because this too much free time will bore me to death.

In a sense it means to make the most of every moment, take every opportunity and appreciate what you have because you may not have the chance to do so in the future. It can also be interpreted to live as though life is going to end very shortly, which some may interpret as being the same, but I can assure you it’s not. To appreciate what you have and to live like your life is going to entails two very different lines of action.

I think it’s near impossible to live like you’re dying for pretty much everyone I know in this world is tied down to a family, job, school, work, uni… we all have responsibilities we can’t run away from. The largest hardship in the lives of most of the people I know is having to get up for classes, or pull an all-nighter to get an assignment done. Although very privileged to be able to gain a tertiary education, in a more general sense most of us aren’t happy with what we are doing.

I think this is partly to do with the fact that you can’t experience happiness without sadness, joy without pain. One cannot exist without the other. And the other is if you experience something too much you become desensitized to it. But the main factor I think is because we are all stuck doing things we don’t want to do.

If I had a year to live, I would gather money to fund my mayhem. I would spend my money on massive amounts of airplane tickets for myself and my friends and family, I’d want to share amazing experiences with them, doing new and exciting things, creating new memories. I’d spend thousands of dollars and dozens of hours getting sleeves done, I wouldn’t have to be afraid of what people thought of them or me, I’d be able to do what I wanted because my life wouldn’t need to be thought about in a permanent sense. I’d do volunteer work because I want to help people on a really basic level, something which I rarely do now. I’d want to talk and connect with everyone I meet, I love sharing experiences and I’d want to learn about life through the experiences of others. I’d build my time-lapse camera, cook and catch a fish, go tramping and all of those other things I’d said that I’d do because I wouldn’t any responsibilities from stopping me. I’d have a massive LIVE LIKE YOU’RE DYING PARTY in Litchenstein (which is a country that you can hire out for parties). I’d make sure to tell the people that I love that I loved and appreciated them. I’d want to wake up every morning and go for a run up Point View Drive.

To be honest, my list is really short and really shit because I can’t think of what I want to do. I’ve never been asked what I want to do. I’ve only been asked to reject or accept opportunities presented to me, but when it comes to opportunities I have made for myself I can’t think of any. Most of the time I’m on Facebook refreshing the home page hoping that something exciting will come up… and I hate it.

It’s really true:
“We’re adding years to our life, but not life to our years.”

I want to drop my law degree (I’ve never wanted to be a lawyer)… and get half-sleeves.

I’m afraid.

But more than that I’m also filled with caffeine which is making me feel rather paranoid and scared. Maybe that’s why I’m afraid. Anyway, I think there’s something awesome about doing a lot of work at once. I’m like super excited, or scared. OMG. My stomach semi-hurts :s

Ok, well I didn’t get up at 5.30 this morning to write blogs.

Wish me luck. May the knowledge of my ancestors guide me in this academic challenge.

I’m currently sitting at my desk at work tossing up between eating and not eating breakfast.

Here is a list of factors:

Not eating:

• GOOD: Less energy to spend, less likely it’s going to be changed to fat.
• GOOD: Save money. I’m up to my last few dollars, I should probably save my money for buying a phone top-up, the 21st party tonight and other unimportant things like my trips.
• BAD: Potentially spending the rest of the morning an extra hungry and angry Help Desk Assistant.

Omg I feel like I’m going to vomit if I don’t eat soon… squeeeeeeeee. FUCK THE MONY I’M EATING. BUT WHAT DO I EAT?!?!? I’m limited to whatever I can find in Slurp and Munchie Mart. I think I have enough time to venture any further out of the building.

Oh gah, the thought of food right now is making me feel sick… MUESLI BAR IN MY BAG! SAVE ME FROM HUNGER! Stomach, why are you feeling sick?!

*gurlge*

I’m craving some warm noodle soup.

But at the same time it’s hurting my stomach to think about it.

This made me ask myself, What would I do with $28million????

The first thing I thought was that I wouldn’t be able to handle that much money. I would end up freakin’ out and spending it on a lifetime supply of porridge oats and Starbucks frappes. The next thing I thought about was how much conflict it would cause and how many fights, especially with my parents, it would cause. There is no way that they wouldn’t want their say in how the money would be spent and I can already think of instances where they would disagree with certain purchases or investments.

In thinking about this and what I would do if I had that much money I thought about whether I would finish my degree. I like to think that I wouldn’t go absolutely crazy and I would, for the pride of my parents and that of myself, finish my degree. But it would be such a tempting option to drop out especially since I could survive just on the interest of my money (and especially since I’m not crazy about law).

Despite these hindrances, during Public Law I was able to think of several things I would want to spend it on:

• A car
• A new backpack (because my blue one is really dirty and old, and I should probably get a new one)
• Paying off my parents’ mortgage
• Flight tickets for my trips/spending money for my trips
• Student loan (etc)

That’s all I really got up to because to be honest there isn’t really anything else I want or need. I’m living fine without a laptop or an iPod, I don’t deserve a better phone because I can barely keep track of the one I have, although I do see an increase in my expenditure on bananas and oats.

AND THEN!: I thought about how fantabulous I could make my 21st birthday party… and spent the rest of Public Law fantastising about the (semi)unlimited possibilities. It would involve the hiring of lots of furniture, a magic show and slippers for sure. And lots of delicious delicious nibbles. It’d be really fun and really awesome.

And all of the donations and all that to charities would come later when I had time to really think about what causes I would want to support.

With great power comes great responsibility.

- Spiderman/Stan Lee

This may be this is because the majority of people I know are young people who are at that stage in their lives where they have to choose where it’s going. Not many people at our age can say that they have definite goals or plans after they graduate. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?” I hate this question because I have no idea. I also hate it because I don’t think you can assess someone’s character from the answer they give, although many believe that you can.

Some people feel like they’re on a path they never chose. Some feel like they’re heading nowhere and uni is just a general expectation that they have decided to conform to.

I can honestly say, most people don’t like what they do on a day-to-day basis. We dislike assignments, detest group work and ignore readings.

Though not a conformer to this thought but, what’s the point in complaining about something which you decided to do? Most of us have chosen to spend the 3-5 years in this institution in order to get a degree. Do we really have a right to complain about doing something which will enable us to get what we want? We can’t expect it to be a walk in the park. Of course it has to be challenging, or it wouldn’t be worth what it is.

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I’m still too young to be making my own big decisions, though not many have come my way.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough about the world.

When I start thinking on a small scale, that’s when I start to become disengaged from my work at uni. When I forget that doing the readings will help me understand better or that doing an assignment will count to my overall grade is when I start get absorbed into my own petty problems.

Sometimes I think people see uni as a big joke. I enjoy learning, but that doesn’t mean that some papers don’t seem to teach us what they told us they would.

I feel like New Zealanders complain too much.

Today I heard on the radio that Britney’s new song has been leaked which has prompted her music people to release the song ahead of time. Even before hearing the song I knew it wasn’t going to be anything amazing, and SURPRISE SURPRISE it sounds JUST LIKE all of her other recent singles but with a stronger dance element (i.e. more machine, less Britney).

You know what else I think is stupid? Those reality shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s like The Osbournes or whatever that was called. I really can’t stop watching those shows though, it’s ridiculous. My eyes just won’t leave the screen. I hate listening to senseless crap that is going on in other people’s lives, people I don’t care about. I really despise “Celebrity Gossip”. NO, I don’t wanna know what they called their baby, NO I don’t want to know their latest marital crisis, NO I don’t want to know how they lost their baby weight, NO I don’t wanna see how she wasn’t fucked getting ready and decided to go to the supermarkets in her trackies BECAUSE WE DO IT ALL THE TIME. All in all, I don’t give two fucks about these famous people. I wouldn’t mind listening to a report about how Katie, Ange and Posh all fell off a cliff. I don’t understand the purpose of the gossip industry.

What I find more depressing is that they get girls into it at a young age. All of the teenage mags are filled with the same mindless stuff. It makes me sad thinking about it and makes me want to buy copies of Science and National Geographic to shield and protect me from the mindlessness of it all.

This makes me feel like going out and buying a magazine. Can someone remind me to ask for a subscription for my birthday? Thanks.

-Public Law with Bruce Harris: I initially found him really boring in Law 131 and the thought of him plus an 8 o clock start was almost enough to make me change to the 5pm stream. HOWEVER this morning he proved himself worthy of my attention by not being boring. I’m looking forward to delving into the unknown that is Public Law with this man leading the way.

-Contract Law with Alison Cleland: She is a tiny Scotswoman with one of the strongest Scottish accents I’ve heard, ever. The only Scottish personalities I know are Braveheart and comedians Billy Connelly and Danny Bhoy which just makes me think that she’s going to crack some sarcastic joke about one of her colleagues or run us down with a sword demanding freedom.

- Chinese 300 with Margaret Lee: SHE IS SO VAGUE! But that’s ok because we have Julie who is this cutesy Chinese post-grad and is super super nice. DAMN! I hate how I feel like I need to work really hard in Chinese. It’s going to be a big battle!

-Russian 100 with Mark Swift: That’s right I’m being taught Russian by an American. While this initially annoyed me greatly at first, I’ve found him to be a pretty decent guy. Although I feel like I can still hear his American accent when he speaks Russian, maybe it’s just my imagination. I don’t need to do the homework this week because it’s learning the Cyrillic Alphabet which I totes already know how to do, I’m such a cheater.

-Chinese 130 with Manying Ip: Omg, we have Manying Ip. GAAAAH! I’m not going to learn anything apart from senseless drivel from her. NOOOOOO.

1 Attempt at of sexual violation by rape.
2. Threaten to kill.
3. Sexual violation by rape.

Background:

The victim is a 12 year old girl living with her Grandmother who is attacked by an uncle (her dad’s cousin) in the middle of the night.

The first attack:

The first attack happened at her Grandmother’s house (who is also the accused’s aunty) one night after all of the adults had been drinking and had left to continue drinking at another’s house. That was everyone except her uncle who was told to stay at home because he was too drunk.  He snuck into her room, she screamed for him to “get lost” and he covered her mouth, pinned her hands and said “Don’t worry it won’t hurt” as he tried to pull her skinny jeans down. She struggled. He didn’t get her pants down and eventually stopped and left but not before saying “If you tell anyone I’ll kill you”. Not knowing what to do, she cried and vomited in the toilet, obviously traumatised by the experience. He reiterated the same threat the next day in the kitchen.

The second attack:

This time while visiting at her Grandmother’s sisters house (and the accused’s mother’s house). A similar situation, everyone else leaves after drinking except her attacker. A similar struggle happens, but this time he gets her pants down and there is an introduction of his penis into her genitalia to the slightest (as the definition goes). Before he goes any further he stops and leaves. She runs to the van and hides there until the morning when she is discovered by her Grandma in the morning. Still she remains silent about both of the attacks.

The discovery:

One night while living with her Aunty and her partner she begins to violently sleep talk saying “It’s not my fault, Dad” “He hurt me”. Concerned, her Aunty stayed with her for the rest of the night. The next morning she confronts her niece about her night terrors, she replies, “You know Aunty, the one you hit all the time” easily identifying her attacker. Unwilling to talk anymore she writes the rest down and tells her Aunty not to tell anyone else. But soon after relevant family and authority are notified.

But wait:

• When did the first attack happen? Before after before your birthday. You sure? Yes.
• Where were you sleeping? In the lounge on a couch. No wait, in the bedroom on the double bed.
• Was there anyone else in the room? Travis, Hendrix, Tewau. Or was it Curtis, Pinto and Pascale? Did they wake up? No. But you screamed. And you threw water on one of them? But he didn’t wake up.
• He was living at the house? But he wasn’t living at the house until a month after the first attack.
• What about the second attack. You slept in the van? But your Grandmother said that the van is always locked because of the crooks. No one remembers you waking up in the van.
• You stayed there for how long ? For a week and a half? Because everyone else is only saying they stayed one night.
• Who went down with you? Your cousins? No one else mentions those cousins being there. And no one woke up?
• In which room did you sleep? In Esmay’s bedroom? Or the the first bedroom?
• And he stops why? He heard a noise. What about the second time? No noise, what was the reason to stop?
• What about your behaviour? Everyone says you acted normal.

There is some stuff I want to share

I’ve realised that the new sound of music over the last couple years really appeals to these ears.

The first couple years of uni has stolen from me the great loves of my previous life, those being television and music. For the longest time I used to listen to the band lovingly referred to in our household as MCR on repeat as well my declared second-favourite-band-of-all-time Fall Out Boy. And then there were bands such as The Strokes (who remind me of Genie) and The Arctic Monkeys (who remind me of Mona). I’m not going to try and hide the fact that I loved these bands like crazy, even if it was because I was a 16 year old girl of the type that are susceptible to falling hard for young men in skinny jeans. Admittedly my love and adoration has somewhat waned.

However, the power of music to bring down or uplift my spirits will never ever cease.

My recent favourites include songs which are unsurprisingly becoming increasingly popular on both mainstream radio and TV. Though many have said that upon first listening to the first big songs by Mumford and Sons and Florence + the Machine they didn’t know what to think of them, their power struck me quite forcefully and makes me feel like running around. These are two songs I could listen to on repeat. I think they are both simultaneously beautiful and brilliant, fast and slow. I personally think they should be played loudly.

Judge for yourself.

Little Lion Man

Dog Days Are Over

I’m hoping to rekindle my love for music and these two artists give me hope <3 fuck yea, I’m cheesy.

Um. Yeah. You only have to say it once, not a million times like a spaz. I’ve recently been denied getting a cat.

Here are some other things I have not been allowed:

• A boyfriend until I was 18 (though I’m not sure Mum’s stance on it now)
• A tattoo
• My learner’s licence until I was 18
• Shaving my hair off for Shave For A Cure
• A part-time job during high school

People, does it get any easier to separate your emotions from your actions? When the fuck is level-headed maturity meant to set in? Do you ever stop using how you’re feeling to justify your actions? And when the hell is the filter between my brain and my mouth meant to be coming in?! GAH!!! This is making me feel like shit, which is not what I should be doing.

I feel like I’m too open as a person. However, I feel like if you don’t know everything about me, then you don’t really know me at all, which is why at some time or another, you are likely to hear my life story. I also think I trust too many people. I obviously need more barriers between people or know when to shut-the-fuck-up.

Ok, yeah, I’m making too much of big deal about this, but what can you do. I guess what I have to be grateful for is that I have this outlet in which to passively vent to people.

I wish I inherited my father’s patience. That would’ve been fantastic. Instead I inherited my mother’s know-it-all-ness, but without all of her arrogance (thank goodness) and I think I picked up my fierce emotions from someone, perhaps Brenda.

Omg. I can’t get over how much I smell. Showertime.

1. Many would consider having feelings for another cheating on their partner, this is commonly known as emotionally cheating on someone. But can you truly love someone when you’re addicted to the thought of someone else? Is it even possible? What if it’s impossible for your “cheating” partner to be with the one they’re obsessed with, is that still cheating? What if the person they were infatuated with was a celebrity, or a dead lover? Does availability of the obsessed make any difference?

2. Some regard sex as being a purely physical activity, like jogging or zumba. In that case, if sex does not entail any emotional attachment is emotionally cheating on your partner more serious than cheating on them physically? What about virtual sex? What about sexting? What about just intimate texting?

3. Why do people cheat? Surely they love their partner and in many cases do not do anything to intentionally hurt their feelings, so why do they cheat? For the thrill? For the excitement of the forbidden? But we all know these emotions are fleeting and feelings in general are subject to change which is how we can move on after a breakup. Is the thrill really worth the risk of breaking a heart, possibly your own?

4. Many believe that during our existence we are meant to find “the one”. How are you supposed to know when you’ve found “the one”? What if you found “the one” but lost them? What if your “one” found his/her “one” and it wasn’t you? Would you settle? If you don’t find “the one” does that mean you’re life is pointless? Should life’s ambition perhaps be changed to not living your life alone?

5. Why does person A go out with person B despite the fact that the affection that B has for A is unrequited? Why does person A go out with someone they don’t have feelings for? Pity? Sympathy? Peer pressure?

6. Why does society think that people should be in a relationship? Once we get to a certain age we should constantly be “looking” for “the one”. Why is it abnormal for someone to be single? If we aren’t always looking for “the one” are we wasting time? If you know the one you’re with isn’t “the one” for you, then why are you still together? When you know that the one you’re with won’t last forever, what’s the point in being with them now? But isn’t life about enjoying what you have now because you know it won’t last forever? Should we enjoy the moment, or move on?

A quantum of solace I have is that no matter how intense or extended a bad feeling is, regardless of nature, I know it will pass and I will feel better and get over it. There was a point in time when I hated Genie and I used to tell her our parents didn’t love her. So, if you’re feeling like shit, don’t worry, you won’t forever. The same goes if you’re happy. So if you’re loving life, enjoy the moment and remember it well so that when you feel like shit, you have something good to look back on.

Unfortunately, it’s those good memories that can be the cause of negativity in which case I say to you: time heals all wounds. And if it doesn’t, at least it constantly puts space between you and your problem so each day is better than the last.

I’ve been working heaps so my savings are increasing which is good but chances are they’re going to go to another plane ticket somewhere fantastical, even though I said that Ukraine was going to be the last trip that I would take until I graduated. I’ve already planned to go to Malaysia again (which I said I wasn’t going to do, but never say never) and maybe even going to China for summer school end of next year and if I organise it with Genie we might even do Eastern Europe after China. But I guess there are a lot of things to weigh up.

I got that piercing that I wanted. I am also getting reading glasses so I don’t have to squint in class (hooray). I actually wanted glasses ages ago because I think they look awesome. Down side means that I no longer have 20/20 vision. I’m slightly short-sighted (I think) Lame. But glasses: cool. I’m also getting fitter and slimmer this summer which is awesome. I’ve dropped to the weight that I was when I was 13 which sounds scary when I say it like that, but I’ve barely grown at all since I was 13, and when I say barely I mean there is 1-2 kilo difference between my weight when I was 13 and the weight when I was 18. Btw, for anyone reading this that hasn’t started uni yet, be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. And for anyone reading this that is going to Malaysia soon (Eugenia Ng), be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. I’m planning on going for a good 5km run tomorrow, we’ll see how long that takes me, preparing for Round the Bays in March which will be awesome. Probably going to join the gym for a couple of weeks in Feb once work finishes. I want killer thighs. I hate my thighs. I’ve hated them since Mum said they look like Christmas Hams. Kai who is already encouraging pretty much anyone he sees to join the gym has said he can help me with this. The only problem with losing weight is that you lose boob size as well and seeing as I have little to spare if I lose anymore weight I’m going to have the chest flatter than that of an 11 year old chubby boy.

I’m probably going to look like a lesbian…

… especially since I’m going to cut off my long thick black and red My Little Pony hair. Not all of it. But enough to get rid of most of what is left of the X-Men red.

Short(er/ish) hair+Odd piercings+No boobs = Lesbian.

I’m going to miss my long hair though, and I might not be able to cut it off seeing as I have no desire for a mohawk like I did when I wanted to shave it for Shave For A Cure. People have said I look good with long hair though. I guess those gross sleazy guys in Globe last night also liked my long hair seeing as they kept grabbing my ass, oh and that Argentinian who tried to hook up with me. DUDE! You don’t have to stand that close to my face when you’re talking to me. But I totally cock blocked him. Fuck no I’m not kissing some grotty random in a club. I guess the unwanted attention is in some way a compliment which says that I must look hot (yet slutty.) This is not the image I want. Anyway, that club is sleazy as, but that’s what happens when you have strip poles in the middle of the dance floor. It’s sleazy with really good music. Only one or the other I guess. And maybe changing myself in these ways will lift my spirits. Yes, looking like a lady-lover is sure to make me more satisfied with myself. This is the answer to everything. Goodbye whatever womanly sex-appeal I have, hello ambiguous androgyny. I’m sure that’ll keep the creeps at bay.  

I can’t be unhappy in 2011 or I might be discouraged from doing the things I should do, like taking every opportunity I can to make the most of everything in 2011. I think that starts with being happy with who you are first: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The physical stuff is easy to fix, it’s the other stuff that’s the real challenge.

On a semi-unrelated note I’m planning on getting another ear-piercing. Why? Because I feel like it and I have earned my own money to do it. I’m going tomorrow morning at 9. This will be the first piercing that I’m getting without Genie, who I miss and haven’t heard from in a while. I HOPE SHE’S OK!!! I also hope my beautiful Becca is ok too.

You know what totally sucks? The fact that I know I’ve put on, not weight, but fat that I lost like a week ago. DAMN THIS! I really really dislike my body. It’s a shame, because I know it isn’t that bad, but because I don’t like it, I feel like I’m not getting full use out of it (whatever that means) and I’m causing myself unnecessary distress because of it. Oh well, that’s what you get when your relatives have been telling you since you were 13 to lose 10kg and when your uncle tells you you’re too fat to get a boyfriend.

I’m going for another session of driving now. I still can’t turn properly which makes me sound really dumb but I’ve only been out a couple of times in these recent weeks. Hopefully I’ll make progress today.

Then when I get home, I’m totally revising my Chinese characters, oh yeah character writing, another thing I get a sick kick out of

… and sometimes. Just sometimes you want to be purged of this partie de toi-meme and you wonder how it could be so easy.

I’m not really a fan of resolutions, although the last New Year’s resolution worked out well… kinda. I’m someone who is more like if you wanna do it, just do it, you don’t have to have a special date to do it, if you want to make a change, why not start now?

This year I’m going to try and stop indulging in daydreams, naps and my own pathetic feelings.

I’ll try my hardest to do what I know I should do rather than what I feel like doing. I’ll try my best to keep what I want in mind, so I’ll work harder.

I’ll go back to the mindset I used to have, which is I should do everything I can because, why waste an opportunity to experience something new? I feel like I didn’t do so much of that this year… no wondering as to why.

Today is the last day I get to feel pathetic (if I happen to feel pathetic), the last day I get to nap for no reason and most importantly, the last day I get to daydream like I have been because from tomorrow I’m going to start actively NOT doing that, if that makes sense. But let’s face it, I never make sense.

I’m also going to start on my holiday goals properly. Those being: actively using French and Chinese (still unsure how I’m going to do that), learning the capitals of the world, and of course, learning to drive and get my restricted. That’s quite difficult actually, learning to drive is annoying. So tomorrow I guess I’m going to change my attitude toward driving.

I guess I also want to not feel bored. Hey, boobs, tits, cock. Yeah, I didn’t think anyone would want to read this so a bit of vulgarity is alright. When I feel bored I can’t find anything that I want to do, and sometimes stems from wanting to do something but not being able to.

In order to start the year fresh I think I’m going to have to sort my room. It’s a mess. A huge fat ball of messy mess-ness. I think I have too much stuff and too little space. I think I’m going to have to throw out a lot of stuff, which is ok but I have trouble letting stuff go (haha) mainly because I always think I might need those things again.

You know what’s a random thing that just popped into my head that I don’t really mind sharing with you because I really don’t think anyone wants to read about someone’s stupid new year’s resolutions so I’m pretty sure no one is reading: why do a lot of people find this particular person really attractive? I don’t get it. I’m also over thinking about this line of thought (which would make for a semi-interesting post) because I just realised that I’m at home by myself and half my friends are out away for New Years and this makes me sad.

Ok, I’m off to feel pathetic for a while.

Psycho (ex)girlfriends/boyfriends
What is it about relationships that make people freak out and become paranoid crazies who act illogically and irrationally? I don’t know. My biggest fear is that I would become a psycho. If I do, please, someone stop me.

People who tell lies
I guess to some extent I can understand people who tell lies about themselves, perhaps because they’re ashamed of something, or perhaps because they want to look better amongst their peers. But I have no idea why people would want to hurt someone else by telling malicious lies.

People who do things to deliberately hurt others
Honestly, what is this bullshit with people in relationships deliberately hurting each other. What the shit is up with the couples that cheat to “get back at each other”? If you love and want to be with someone why do you bother hurting them? Do you really think it’s going to make it better if you hurt them, the way they hurt you? But the real crazies are the people that hurt people without provocation.

I have had a lot of ideas for blogs lately but they come to me at random times and the urge to write them goes in a flash. I don’t really know why or where the idea for this one came up. But there are a lot of things I don’t understand. I may at to this list later.

Perhaps I’d be happier if it were sunny. But it isn’t. No. The weather has turned to crap in the last couple of days which means I haven’t be able to go for my walks in the morning which give me a boost of endorphins to get my day off to a good natural high.

Perhaps it’s more the fact that I don’t FEEL like doing anything. Honestly, I can think of several different things to do but I don’t want to do any of them. I should go and wrap my secret santa gift… hmmm… gah.

Seriously what’s wrong with me?! CHILDREN CAN OCCUPY THEMSELVES! WHY CAN’T I?!

Whenever I get into these moods I go and do one thing, like the dishes, and then that starts the ball rolling and I’ll find other things to do.

Omg. I could never be a housewife. Being at home alone is dull. WHERE IS MY IMAGINATION?!

Ok. Now I’m tossing up between going off and doing the dishes and maybe that’ll motvate me to do something and going for a nap before work. Ergh. I don’t like working late nights.

I’ve already had lunch so there goes something else to do…

Maybe I’ll have a nap. And then go to work.

:( :(

I hate how you want to change who you are and do things differently but you can’t because your spirit doesn’t feel like it. Instead it just feels like sleeping, which leaves you feeling like absolute shit. And you KNOW what you should be doing, but can’t for the life of you change your ways. DAMN THIS CRAP. I’m off to watch Heston.

I need people. I need to see people, I need to speak to people, I need people around me all the time! It is for this reason that I am slowly but surely becoming addicted to Facebook. I don’t think that the usual amount of time spent with people in real life is enough to feed this need to be around people because I’ll come home and jump on Facebook. I’m neglecting my family and have become horrible to talk to. Well impatient I should say because when I’m at home, I’m not doing what I need to do, which is be out somewhere or do something. I also can’t really stand being at home at this very second. It’s boring and there’s little to do. I also can’t watch TV because I can’t sit for extended periods without wanting to get up and do something else.

I had one of the best weekends ever this past weekend! Nessa’s going away/birthday party was absolutely wonderful! Everything was awesome!!! Food, people, dancing, clubbing. CLAPS ALL AROUND! Then today we had Jono’s annual puddle party, once again, a fun and relaxing afternoon out in the Whitford farmland. Heaps of time this weekend spent hanging out with my FUCKIN AWESOME friends from high school. I LOVED IT! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND I’M TOTALLY HAVING WITHDRAWAL.

After spending so much time around people, it’s hard for me to go back to being not around so many people. I feel kind of crazy and lost. I want Genie back. Sounds like she’s having an amazing time in Romania though http://genie-has-tumblr.tumblr.com/

Gah! I feel like I need to be overseas… Well all good! Malaysia July 2011.

I feel weird. It’s probably because I had a sleep at a weird time. wo4e;/zx/;wlo weovnjn wrpwiujwoi <– that’s how I feel.

I’ve rediscovered my drive for making the bigger decisions in life - that to not let an opportunity pass me by for fear of missing out on something amazing, life-changing, exciting, wonderful, new, different, experimental. The opportunity to live rather than exist. So. What drives you?