Tonight, though, all that crud changes. Because my guest on SecondHand Radio is a cheery bastard. It’s Brian Papa from Cheer Up Nation, which I haven’t looked at much because it’s so fucking…happy. There are cute stories and photos and sometimes there are videos, all of which are posted so as to send my blood sugar through the roof.

I met Brian at BlogHer in San Francisco, I think. He’s one of the few men that came to my Birds of a Feather group for BlogHims. He was uppity then, and he’s even more uppity now that he’s a father. Funny dude, I enjoy hanging with him…he’s just a glass-is-half-full kinda guy, whereas I’m more like a “my Guinness is half gone already” kinda guy.

So tonight at 10pm EST, 9pm Central, 8pm Mountain, and 7pm Pacific, you can join us live for a fun call-in show, complete with chatroom. We’ll see how long it takes before my anti-cheeriness rubs off on Brian and he starts crying into his wine cooler.

Every one of you is welcome to call in and talk with us. The phone number is 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738. You can call in just to say hi to Brian, or ask him a question, or maybe even say something to me.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

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Let’s just say that I had a magical 4-day stay in Orlando. The chemistry between us all was amazing. Lots of booze and great food and shanking the entire time we were there. Yes, there was Fucked Up Friday, where almost every one of us had shit happening, but we were all for one, and one for all. Made it through just fine. And since I dropped off Sassy at the airport - the last of the harem to leave - I’ve been in a funk, missing my girls. It was a total LoveFest. I think I need more of that shit in my life.

Avitaween was awesome, as expected. My only real bitch is that some of us were so worn out from all the drama on Friday that we didn’t even leave our hotel to go hang with lots of other people I wanted to see. And the party just wasn’t long enough to talk to everyone I wanted to talk to.

All in all, I had a fantastic time. Therapeutic, even. Lots of laughter - every single person in our room made me spit booze through my nose.

I do have SOME photos up at Flickr and Facebook. They’re easy to find if you want to see them.

Meantime, for those that haven’t yet seen my costume from last weekend, here it is. Me, Mindy, and Sarah (who made these incredible costumes from thrift store clothing).

Tonight on SecondHand Radio - 10 PM EST, 9 PM Central, 8 PM Mountain, 7 PM Pacific - my guest is Sheila, author of the blog “Charm School Reject.” One of my favorite people ever, Sheila is funny and smart and really hot in fishnets. Check it.

That’s her at the party. She may have been a little drunk, but then, who wasn’t? One of my favorite photos, though, is this one.

Yeah. Yum.

Join us tonight for fun call-in talk, play around in the chatroom. Every one of you is welcome to call in and talk with us. The phone number is 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738. You can call in just to say hi to Sheila, or ask her a question, or maybe even say something to me.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

Upcoming Guests include: Brian Papa of Cheer Up Nation, The Bloggess, and Barefoot Foodie.

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Tonight, my guest is Catherine from the blog “When We Were Liars.” Catherine and I met for ConFab in Kentucky and she rocks it. We’ll be talking about lots of things, especially Halloween. Oooh, spooky!

Join us tonight for fun call-in talk, play around in the chatroom. Every one of you is welcome to call in and talk with us. The phone number is 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

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Instead, for this week only, SecondHand Radio is tonight. And my guest is Wendy from the blog “Notes From the Sleep Deprived.”

Wendy is going to be joining the big party this weekend and I can’t wait to meet her in person. We’ve been friends for a while now. And while she has called into my show a few times, this is her first appearance as a guest.

Wendy is a funny chick, and a mom of 3 little kids. Hope you’ll be joining us tonight at 10pm Eastern time for laughs, good conversation, and a lively chatroom. We’ll be broadcasting from a remote location tonight, I think. Sassy is in town - yeah, MY town - so we may do it from a friend’s house. I’m not allowed to have guests in my own house because, well, it’s a disaster area.

Join us tonight for fun call-in talk, play around in the chatroom. Every one of you is welcome to call in and talk with us. The phone number is 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

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It’s Holly, otherwise known as @WhyMomDrinksRum. Otherwise known as Kermit the Frog. According to her, anyway. She says she sounds like Kermit, though probably with more o’s and u’s and i’s, since she’s Canadian, eh?

Yeah, I agree. With looks like that? Even if she sounded like Peter Griffin, I’d be happy.

Holly has a penchant for Asian food, lacy bras, geeky smartasses, and driving from the back seat with cruise control on. She’s NOT a mommyblogger. No, she’s a blogger that just happens to be a mommy. She also kind of has a thing for me, which is completely understandable. I mean, have you SEEN Boob Emancipation? She has taste, this woman.

I’m told that there will be a VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT regarding Boob Emancipation this evening, on my very show. So if you love Holly and Danielle and Miss Grace…no, if you LOVE BOOBS…then you should be there.

Join us tonight for fun call-in talk, play around in the chatroom. Every one of you is welcome to call in and talk with us, though I know you’ll REALLY be calling in to talk to Holly, who has promised to sing “The Rainbow Connection” as well as the theme song from “Fraggle Rock.”

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

FYI, for THIS WEEK ONLY…

the next episode of 2HRadio will be this WEDNESDAY, not Thursday. Thursday, I’ll be busy partying down with the likes of Sassy, Bubblewench, Mindy, and others in Orlando.

My guest WEDNESDAY will be Wendy.

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Dana is the Loud Friend. And she’s also going to be my guest tonight on SecondHand Radio. I first met Dana in person in June for ConFab and she (along with most everyone else that weekend) was drunk for a good portion of the time.

That’s why I felt this photo is appropriate. She left me the task of finding a photo of her to use to promote tonight’s show and I thought I’d snag the one that had a “drunk bitch” caption underneath it.

Mostly, though, I snagged that particular photo because I know she’ll yell at me on tonight’s show about it. “Really? THAT’S the photo you chose? Out of all the photos available, you used THAT one?” I imagine she’ll say something like that.

But with more swear words.

Dana is a mom. She’s a funny mom, to be more precise. And she just accepted a very exciting job offer that will move her to Alabama before the holidays. Now I’ll have multiple reasons to revisit Alabama. Dana and Kim. And that suits me fine.

Join us tonight for fun call-in talk, play around in the chatroom. I know I’ll be drinking. I’d be shocked if Dana isn’t drinking, too. And perhaps you’ll be partaking, as well.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

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A Wonderful Experiment from Karl Erikson on Vimeo.

For those that have trouble with Vimeo, you can download the source video here.

Or watch on Viddler. Still processing as I publish this.

Wonderful - by Everclear

“Hey, ain’t life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful… Isn’t it wonderful now?”

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world is so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no

I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no

I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now…

I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

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I don’t have a recent photo of Trish because her current Twitter avatar only shows this weird shot of her all dressed in some feathery black angel outfit. Or something.

See for yourself.

I think Trish is screaming here, “Why must I be married? Why can’t I have Karl?! He is incredible!” Or she might be saying, “I’m not interesting! What am I going to say on Karl’s show tonight?” Cuz, y’know, Trish is like most of my other guests, who seem to think they’re “boring.” Whatever.

I tried explaining to her that if she was boring, I wouldn’t have her come BACK to my show. But she’s stubborn, like me, and refuses to believe it.

Trish is a renaissance woman. She writes, she photographs, she cooks, she jars her own jelly and preserves, and she dresses in odd costumes. Hoping she’ll dress as a pirate wench for her next photo shoot, but that’s another matter altogether.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

The Manuscript is Found. And Dusty.

The timing of the Universe is many times astounding. I wrote that story months ago, and it went live today. Of all days. Now.

All I know is I really appreciate the many comments and texts and DM’s, offering me your support. Particularly today.

Clearly I don’t handle such things very well.

Part of that whole “surrounded” thing I talked about the other day. I’m so sick of feeling down, feeling sorry for myself. Shit, the truth is I don’t LET myself truly feel sorry for myself. Nevertheless. The whining, the incessant navelgazing of late…ugh.

I’d like to request that the funny Karl come back, please. I like him more.

I went digging and found my autobiography manuscript today. And as I agreed, I won’t read it until I get to the Matrix Therapist next. I can only imagine that she’s gonna want me to read this shit out loud at our next session.

There are a number of traditional therapy exercises that give me the chills. One of them involves talking to an empty chair, pretending I’m talking to someone in my life (past or present) and saying what I REALLY need to say to that person…but can’t.

Another involves anger therapy, which takes on many forms. Beating up pillows, shredding paper, hitting a mattress with a baseball bat, hitting a full body-bag with a bat. I have trouble connecting with anger. A lot. For me, the “worst” method I found for anger therapy involved boxing gloves on that full body-bag. Oof. Physical body pain manisfestations, anyone?

I hate having to come up with a list of positive things about me. Hate. On the other hand, I could go all day with negative shit. That list? Not a problem.

And I am pretty sure I’ll hate having to read my half-written autobiography to the Matrix Therapist. Something tells me she’s going to try to get me to FEEL something. About myself. For myself.

Whilst digging through tons of boxes, looking for the manuscript, I found old notebooks of mine. Spiral notebooks which acted as journals, doodlepads, repositories for my book snippets. There’s something more visceral about writing in longhand, I find. There was a time that I was ALWAYS writing that autobiography. Everywhere I went. Restaurants, bars, during breaks in group therapy. I’d write page after page, then go home at the end of the day and transcribe all that shit into the computer.

And I wrote a lot of (bad) poetry, as evidenced here. (Click to biggify, and I apologize in advance. Fuck, I was an emo little bastard, just with better hair and no eyeliner.)

Also found several unfinished novel manuscripts. Shit, unfinished.

Story of my life.

Literally.

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I’m near a breaking point. Not THE breaking point, mind you… *A* breaking point.

It’s one thing for me to hurt myself. But I’m hurting people I love. And it’s because of my Blinders.

To break it down simply, when I’m this fucking down, if you’re not in my direct field of vision, I don’t see you. It’s nothing personal, it’s the way my head works at times like this.

If you walk right in front of me, then yeah, suddenly I see you. Email me? I see you. Call me? I see you. Text? Yes. If a tweet of yours happens to scroll through Tweetdeck for one of the 4-minute chunks where I’m in front of Twitter, then I see you.

Otherwise, everything NOT in my immediate sight is faded away into the background. And that doesn’t sit well with some of my friends, which is understandable. But I hate the thought of hurting the people I care about.

I’m overwhelmed. It’s an ordeal for me to make the morning coffee, let alone do dishes or laundry or try to earn a living. I feel myself pulled in a multitude of directions. And so my brain puts these Blinders over my eyes, as if to say, “Dude, do what you can do. No more, no less. Only worry about the stuff right in front of you.”

Perhaps that’s pragmatic. But lately it’s also quite inconvenient, and it’s the Blinders that are making people upset.

I am not reading blogs, people. I tell you AGAIN, I’m not reading them. No, not even YOURS. Not even my best friends’ blogs. None of them. So I’m not up on what’s happening in your life unless you seek me out and tell me. Or maybe I see something on Twitter, but again…I’m hardly on Twitter.

Here’s how I approach Twitter. I’m on for 3-5 minutes at a time. I play around, crack some jokes, interact a little…then I’m gone. Distracted by something else for 45 minutes or so. Till I come back to Twitter for another 3-5 minutes, when I respond mostly to @’s. Then gone. Lather, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.

I don’t spend HOURS on Twitter at a time, even though Tweetdeck is open most of the day. I don’t use Twitter like many of you do. So please don’t assume that just because you’ve tweeted something, I’ve seen it and know what’s going on with you. That would be a really poor assumption.

Hell, most of the time on Twitter lately, I only see people if they’ve @’d me.

What I’m saying here…no, what I’m ASKING of my friends is that you wave bright, shiny objects in my face to make me notice. The brightest of those objects are emails, texts, and phone calls.

Please don’t be upset that I haven’t heard about your baby getting colic, or that you and your spouse are separated now, or that you’re moving into a new house, or that you got into a big spat with a mutual friend.

Or that I haven’t called you or written you. Or if I’m distracted while we’re on chat because I have 15 other tabs open and I’m multitasking while I’m waiting for you to type a response. Or that I answer the phone while we’re on chat. Or that I missed a phone call or forgot to respond to a tweet or an email. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, none of it does.

Right now, I’m myopic. I recognize that. I need everyone in my life to recognize that, too. I’m sure that won’t happen, but I need everyone I care about to know…it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I’m doing what I can do right now.

Everything for me right now takes a great deal of energy. Especially the things which involve me having to form complete sentences that actually make sense.

I’m tired. All the fucking time. Drained, exhausted. Like I’m on a perpetual marathon run.

And on top of that, life inconveniently refuses to put itself on PAUSE while I try to work my shit out and regain my breath. Loved ones are annoyed, irritated, even angry with me because I’m not paying attention. And that only serves to drain me more, because now I’m putting energy into reparation…energy that might have gone toward getting my ass out of this stupid recliner so I can try to take a shower once in a while.

I want to just say, “That’s it. I’m done. Finished. Yes, I suck as a friend. I give up.” Then spend three weeks unconscious and REALLY forget about the world. Not an option, unless I find a way to harmlessly slip into a coma.

I need a 2-hour massage. Body aches, everywhere. Brain, too.

Like a pressure cooker that hasn’t been vented, I feel like I’m about to blow. Except that pressure cookers aren’t expected to socialize.

So they do have the advantage on me.

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Then he coughed and laughed hysterically, as did the entire room of people. Or something like that.

Matt is the father of twins, which is certainly a commonality between us. Course, my twins are all grown up and out of college now. Matt still has a long way to go before he gets to that point, but still.

So join us tonight, will you? Lively conversation, laughs, and fun in the chatroom. There’s a call-in number that you’re all welcome to use to speak with Matt… (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738. He says he’ll answer ANY questions. ANY.

I highly recommend that you go to my SecondHand Radio info page, register at Talkshoe.com and download the Talkshoe client (though not required, I think it’s a superior chatroom experience).

You’ll be there, right? And if you have trouble getting into the show for some reason, feel free to call in (using the phone number below) and you can listen on the phone that way. I can leave you on mute, if you prefer.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM CST, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific

Show Link:

http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

2HRadio Info (including complete list of upcoming guests)

As for me, I had my Matrix Therapy appointment today. I’m too tired to discus it, honestly. Tired of discussing my crap at ALL. Certainly too exhausted to make a video blog.

But we did talk about my need vs. want to connect with the Sadness. She asked what I wanted. I said that was a loaded word when I didn’t know what I want. But I know I NEED to connect emotionally.

“So you want to connect emotionally?” she said.

“Let’s just say I want to want it.”

I also told her that a lot of people have offered their support, not to mention shoulders and ears for me to rely on. Said that I feel surrounded.

“You ARE surrounded,” she said with a smile.

“No, no, not a good kind of surrounded,” I clarified. “Like I’m a bank robber in mid-heist when the cops on the bullhorns are outside shouting, ‘COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! YOU’RE SURROUNDED!’”

“Well, that’s not really an efficient means of withdrawing money from a bank, anyway, robbing.”

“Um…what?”

“Have you ever gone skydiving?” she asked.

“Yes, actually. For a silly birthday dare.”

“How did you feel just before you jumped out of the plane?”

“Scared shitless. Terrified. Like I was going to vomit.”

She chuckled. “Me, too. How did you feel 5 seconds after you left the plane, strapped to the guy behind you?”

“Exhilarated.”

She just nodded.

“So you’re saying I’m about to jump out the airplane?”

“Seems terrifying now, but maybe not so bad once you jump.”

“That’s a good analogy. But really the issue here is, shouldn’t I be concerned that the woman I’m getting my life advice from decided to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?”

My assignments for this week are to work on my meds thing. Again. I’m supposed to recruit Mindy to get on my ass about it. Y’know, since she ASKED to be “let in” and I was dumb enough to tell the Matrix Therapist that information.

And I’m supposed to try and find my autobiography.

“No,” she said. “Don’t TRY to find it. FIND it. And bring it.”

“OK,” I conceded. “I’ll bring it.”

“And don’t read it before you get here.”

Oof. She knows me too well.

The bitch.

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