Got nothing done today. My brain sometimes acquiesces and let’s me sleep, but not for long. It’s not a manic thing, either. Not having the luxury of naps to escape…*sigh*

I wonder how long it’s going to take. For lots of things. Meds. Mood. Me. How long does it take to gain a grip?

I’m tired of having very little to get excited about. Tired of being tired.

I want to feel better. I want to BE better. I want to not feel so damn lonely. I want…what I can’t have.

And that’s not frustrating in the least.

Blogged via iPhone

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I’m TK-280, but friends call me Herb. The long trip from Hoth to this blue Earth globe was hellacious. And while I was in suspended animation to get here, Ted decided to be funny and put my lower armor on backwards. But I made it just the same. And after I etched “Rebel without a Clue” on Ted’s helmet, and took an hour to fix my armor, I managed to scale down the giant tower the hairless wampas call a “mailbox.”

What it is I’m expected to do here, I don’t know. But once I was inside the giant base of the hairless giant wampa known as Karl, I found some other clones hidden away. Turns out they’ve been waiting on me to organize our campaigns.

We found a stockpile of large lance weapons known as “syringes.” This Karl creature has no clue the level of wrath we shall rain down upon him.

That’s me on the right.

The guys and I shall commence taking over this central Florida region forthwith. Once we finish sampling this amazing Guinness beverage. *hic*

PS: I found a listing of other clones here on Earth. Together, we shall…ooh, what do you call this magical disc? Pizza. Niiiice.

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Tonight, 2HRadio returns with a vengeance. My guest is Maria, aka Mommy Melee. Hope you’ll be there to listen and say hi. Everyone is welcome to call in.

Showtime: 10:00 PM EST, 9PM Central, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific. Chatroom opens 15 minutes before showtime.

Call-In Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738

Show Link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

List of future guests can be found here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: To avoid browser problems (which some people tend to have with Talkshoe), you should do the following:

1. REGISTER AT TALKSHOE BEFORE THE SHOW.

2. DOWNLOAD THE TALKSHOE CLIENT.

The Talkshoe Live client works great and (for my money, though it’s free) offers a better chatroom experience.

Look forward to seeing you all there tonight. Can’t wait to chat with Maria.

SillyBring Details

For those that are coming to Sebring for SillyBring on April 24, I’ve got a few hotels I can recommend.

We’ll probably be out and about doing stuff during the day on Saturday, then going to a watering hole for the evening.

HOTELS

Holiday Inn Express

La Quinta

Residence Inn

Quality Inn and Suites

They’re all within 5-10 minutes of each other (and me).

If you’re driving in, it’s pretty much a given you’re coming in on 27…that’s the main drag here. If you’re flying in (first of all, you’re nuts) then Orlando International is closest (airport code MCO). Tampa (TPA) is next closest.

Any questions? Email me (or text if you have my number). Or Twitter. Whatever, it’s easy to find me.

So far, we have 6 confirmed. If you’re coming, be sure to let me know.

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I’ve gained 7 pounds. Not sure why. I have been exercising. Isn’t that the point of moving, to LOSE weight? Or at least not gain any?

Sigh.

Waiting. I hate it. Yesterday, I waited with Mom at the doctor’s. Almost an hour. With weak Edge, at best.

Visit went well. Mom is now officially without both her leg brace and the thumb brace. We should hear from PT this week to schedule her therapy. You couldn’t pay me to be in that room when they start working her knee. I’m not ready to hear my Mom talk like Hilly.

Fucking cocksnuggling sonofaWHORE! Touch that knee again and I’ll rip off your head and shit down your neck, you festering pool of donkey piss!

Today, we went to Social Security to ask a few questions. They have a brilliant system. If you go into Social Security at, say, 15 years old…then, by the time you get to the window, you’re probably eligible for Medicare.

They also tell you to turn your cell phone off before entering. Whatever. Listen, I’m barely convinced that my cell phone is a threat on a plane 33,000 feet in the air. I’m certainly not shutting it off in the Social Security office. I did, however, mute it.

What? I’ve got to get my Moxie on.

Patience. I don’t have much of it. I quit asking God to give me patience, because it inevitably means He provides me a shitton of situations in which I HAVE to be patient. Screw that. I don’t have the patience to gain patience legitimately.

I don’t like waiting, especially when the ball is totally not in my court. I chomp at the bit, grasping at something to do while I sit around and do, well, nothing. Waiting on YOU. Ugh.

Waiting on friends. Waiting on doctors. Waiting on the assclown in front of me in the checkout line at the grocery store to pay with all coins. Waiting on my meds in the mail. Waiting on 2HT to be finished. Waiting on April to get here so I can see Shannon. Hate it all.

SecondHand Radio Returns

One thing I have been waiting for is SecondHand Radio to return. It’s been months since Mom broke her kneecap. I tried one show after that and it didn’t go over well. I needed a break while Mom healed from her break. Well, she’s walking around now – slowly, but steadily – without a splint, so that’s good.

Thursday at 10pm Eastern, 2HRadio comes back. My guest is the lovely Maria, aka Mommy Melee.

Please mark your calendars, tell your friends. We’re back. I’m returning to one show a week, though. Thursday nights. Twice a week was too much.

Live chatroom to play in while the show is on. You’re all welcome to call in and talk to Maria, say hi, ask questions, whatever. Go to the SecondHand Radio page and get all the info.

Looking forward to it. I’ve missed my show. Thankfully, the waiting for that is nearly over.

I haven’t lined up any other guests. If you know of someone you’d like to hear as a guest, let me know. Even if it’s you.

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I love music. I don’t know where I’d be without it, honestly. One thing the iPhone (iPod) does really well is music. I use Smart Playlists to sync songs all the time, love my iPod.

And there are some great music apps for the iPhone, too. Thought I’d share a handful of my favorites with you.

Moodagent – FREE

Moodagent is a really cool app I discovered not long ago, and best of all, it’s FREE. It profiles the music you have on your iPod and then lets you automagically create playlists based on your mood. Yes, your mood. You move five different sliders around. Based on the five sliders – Sensual, Tender, Joy, Aggressive, and Tempo – you figure out how you’re feeling, make the adjustments and then Moodagent does the rest.

The result is a playlist of 25 songs that all match your mood, like so.

You can also save and load playlists you’ve created with Moodagent. And if you’re not feeling the slider thing at the moment, you can click on the Search (magnifying glass) icon and hand-select any song on your iPod. Moodagent will then adjust the sliders accordingly for that song and create your playlist based on the song.

Very, very cool. Plus, it integrates with your iPod, so you can start a playlist, then exit Moodagent, and have your music still playing. (Unlike most music apps. At least, until Apple allows multitasking.)

Last.fm – FREE

Been using Last.fm for years now. It came before Pandora did. It’s a social music site. You sign up, create a profile, and it keeps track of your favorite music for you. That’s the basics. You can also use it like Pandora…enter an artist or song, and Last.fm will create a custom music station based on your selection.

Last.fm tracks all the songs you listen to. In fact, my favorite thing about Last.fm is what they call “scrobbling.” Thanks to a small download, every time I sync my iPhone through iTunes, Last.fm scrobbles all the songs I’ve played and uploads them to my account. It organizes everything…how often I’ve played each song, etc.

And my “neighbors” (friends) on Last.fm have access to my library, too. They can  listen to MY “station,” which is a great way to find great music. Another great way is to listen to your “recommended” music. Based on the music you’ve scrobbled so far, Last.fm finds recommended artists and puts them into a special station for you. Rocking service that I think everyone should be using.

Simplify Music 2 – $7.99

Simplify Music 2 is another great app. I got it for free a while back; now it’s $7.99, but it’s worth every penny.

Simply put, Simplify 2 lets you stream all the music in your iTunes to your iPod/iPhone. Now you don’t have to worry that you can’t fit all your music into that phone of yours…you have access to your entire music library. Provided you have iTunes up and running, of course. It forms a network connection between the Simplify app on your phone and the Simplify app on your computer.

Works fantastically.

Slacker Radio – FREE

Don’t get me wrong, I love Pandora, but rarely use it these days, thanks to Last.fm and Slacker Radio. Slacker is very similar to Pandora – you create custom music stations based on songs/artists you like. Again, it’s a great way to find new artists.

The difference, to  me, is that I think Slacker puts together a more organic sounding mix based on my selection. They put songs together that I’d never think to put together, but once I hear them together they click and make sense. Love, love, love.

Plus, I can select from musical genre stations. Sure, there’s your typical “80’s, 90’s, and Today” station, but I can choose from Reggae or Blues or any number of genres I want to hear. The only caveat is the occasional 15-second commercial (unless you buy the premium subscription, but it’s not required).

I can even listen to stand-up comedy. For instance, Steven Wright. Creates a comedy station just for me. Nice.

Great sound that streams via WiFi.

SoundHound – $4.99

How many times have you heard a song on the radio, or in someone’s car, and wondered who sings it? Look no further.

Load up SoundHound, tap the TAP HERE button, and let your phone listen to that song. SoundHound is remarkably accurate and should have your song for you in a matter of seconds. You can even hum or sing a song yourself and get results!

From there, you can Bookmark a song, Share it (Email, Twitter, Facebook), and even Buy it. It also looks up the lyrics for you, and corresponding Youtube videos.

GREAT app that will never leave my iPhone. I was lucky enough to get it for free way back when, but again…worth every penny.

Wunder Radio – $6.99

Listen to most any radio station around the world, people. Add in Weather radio, police and fire rescue scanners, accessibility for subscription satellite radio (Sirius/XM), and you have Wunder Radio. Damn cool app.

Find stations based on genre (talk, sports, pop music, new age, rap, etc.) or location (Great Britain, Australia, wherever). Listen to police scanners from your old neck of the woods (provided they’re in the list). Sometimes I tune in to some Dallas radio stations, just to hear the ads for my old hometown. Or British radio, same reason.

Streams great over 3G or WiFi.

There you have it…great apps to help you stay in touch with your favorite music, maybe even find some amazing NEW stuff to listen to.

You’re welcome. How about you? Have any fave music apps on your iPhone or iPod Touch?

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Finally went to Tai Chi this morning, and it’s a good thing I missed Tuesday and Thursday. Saturday is the beginner class. I followed along pretty well…having a full mirrored wall really helped. No idea what the hell I’m doing, but everyone says I did great.

There’s a lot of pointing fingers in the right direction, choreographed moves in slow motion that make me feel like I’m in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or some such shit. Breathing in while squeezing imaginary balls of energy. I don’t get it, but it was calming and that’s not a bad thing.

I’ll squeeze in some Wii Fit today, too. This week has been a total success. I exercised Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and today. Not a big fan of the water aerobics, and haven’t yet tried the Zumba, but I will when they start a new class in a couple of weeks.

How do I feel? Meh. Emotionally, still down in the dumps. I still feel exercise is boring, but I’ll keep it up. There are only 22 days left, after all. Physically, I still wind very easily, and hate sweating or pushing myself. On the treadmill, I stay in the “weight loss zone” and never make it to “cardio zone,” but hey…baby steps.

I may set up a date with a personal trainer, though I don’t have a lot of money to drop. There are a lot of machines in that gym and I should be using them. I just don’t know how, so a trainer would be most helpful. Though they’ll probably kick my ever-loving ass.

On to another topic. Men. And women. As a dude with 95% female friends, I find myself in a unique position much of the time. First of all, the Drama Quotient with mostly women buds is far higher than it is with mostly males. It’s just a fact. My male friends never ask me if their ass looks big in these jeans. They never drop gossip on my lap. “Did you hear what Joe did? He told his wife to ’shush’ while the game was on, and she was all, ‘Oh no you din’t!’” Or maybe, “Shenaynay looked at me weird at BlogHer. She better watch her back.”

No.

I have adjusted to the occasional Drama flare-ups and, honestly, it doesn’t bother me. Mostly. I still relate better to women, thanks to all my therapizing.

The other thing about having all these girlie friends is that someone is always going through relationship troubles. Mostly because men are (mostly) douchebags. I get that. Commitment issues, breakups via text, men are generally clueless dicks who wouldn’t know how to communicate if they absorbed every Rosetta Stone course there is.

I’m not here to defend the men. It’s a maturity thing, as far as I’m concerned. And let’s face facts: women usually trump men in maturity hands-down.

What I don’t understand is why so many women put up with shitty men/relationships to begin with. Insecurity, I guess? It’s perhaps the only explanation I can think of. Why else would you stay somewhere you’re not happy?

I’m not even talking about abusive men, necessarily, though there’s a lot of that, too. But if a guy is a rude ass, why stay with him? Because you think you can change him? Because you think you can’t get anyone better? Bullshit.

Listen, if a guy shows you no respect – the woman he purports to love – then you need to either have a heart-to-heart or get the fuck out of Dodge. If he doesn’t want to spend time with you. If he talks down to you, belittles you. If the only time he looks at you is when he’s hungry or horny. There are a million ways to show someone you love them, and a million ways to show you don’t think shit of them.

It’s frustrating, especially when some women give the prunts third, fourth, tenth chances…only to come crying about him again weeks or months later. Because he doesn’t change. Douchebags rarely do. Oh, sure, for  a little while, perhaps. He’ll be all flowers and taking out the trash for a time. Then it’s back to business as usual. And the older the guy is, the more likely it is he’s not changing. Especially for you.

Believe me, if you’re in a bad relationship, you can do better. A friend gave me advice once about judging a person’s character. Watch how they treat a waitress. If they’re rude to her, they’ll be rude to you. If they ogle her and flirt with her and treat her like a blow-up doll, you can be sure that’s gonna happen frequently both with you and with people that aren’t you. And if they tip shoddily, they’re cheap bastards.

Other little things. Does he open your door for you? Does he actually listen and pay attention when you’re talking, look you in the eye and engage with you? Does he do special little things for you?

This seems common sense to me, but it must not be because I see women putting up with utter bullshit all the time. Women that have settled. Ugh. It’s nauseating.

You deserve better. And sometimes better is all by yourself.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikebaird/ / CC BY 2.0

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First off, I’m honored to have been included in today’s edition of Five Star Friday. It’s my first time there and, naturally, it’s my post about suicidal thoughts that got me there. Not the funny, no…it’s all this emo shit that seems to be hitting home with some people. Go figure. Thanks for thinking of me, means a lot.

CONTEST

Next, here’s your chance to win a $25 gift certificate from Eden Fantasies. Go over to Shannon’s blog here. Read the post/rules. Email her your biggest sex disaster story, and you could win. I’m one of the judges, so make it good. Contest closes at midnight on Sunday (Central time).

Go. NOW. ENTER.

I keep skipping the Tai Chi class, but tomorrow at 9:15 I’m hitting it. Did another 30 minutes on treadmill today. So many machines in the Y, and that’s the one I’m comfortable with. I’m so out of shape, I could probably hit nothing but the treadmill every day and be good.

That’s it for today. Not feeling very creative. Not feeling very anything, really, except lazy and like sleeping the day away. But sleep isn’t coming easily.

Later. Have a good weekend.

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So it’s official. Bubblewench is coming to Sebring toward the end of April. Not many of my blogger buds can say they’ve been here…not many can say they WANT to be here, but still. Shannon wants to meet up with her Florida buddies. Therefore…

We’re having a get together, and you’re invited if you can get here.

WHAT: SillyBring

WHEN: Saturday, April 24

WHERE: Sebring, Florida

I’ll research hotels if you want to come and stay the night. If you’re driving from Tampa, it’s about 2 hours drive. Orlando, about 90 minutes. If you’re flying in, Orlando International is the way to go (airport code MCO).

I don’t expect much response here, but if you do come, here’s some of what we’re thinking about. Karaoke at the infamous Why Not Lounge on Saturday night. It’s a hole-in-the-wall cave of a bar, but it’s full of characters, trust me.

We may also go to Gatorama during the day, which is a gator farm offering the largest selection of gators and crocodiles anywhere! So they say. You can even pet a baby gator.

Depending on how many people come, I also have a Wii with a 60-inch TV. I’m not having 20 people in my house, but again, I don’t expect even 25% of that in numbers, so we’ll see.

We can hit the Blue Lagoon for beers and dinner. Or the Wild Turkey, which has the best gator tail in Highlands county.

Gonna have a blast.

If you’re thinking of coming, leave a comment here…or email me.

EDIT: I didn’t realize this was the same weekend as TequilaCon. Oops. No matter. I knew I couldn’t go to TequilaCon this year, anyway. May as well bring the party here, since Shannon is coming. I hope that my TC buds all have a great time. But we will, too.

REDESIGN

So with the redesign of SecondHand Tryptophan coming within weeks, I’m opening up the floor to suggestions/ideas for the new look. If there are features you’d like to see, please let me know. I have a good idea of where I’m going with things, but I’d love to hear from you, too.

Again, comments here or email would be appreciated. Thanks, gang.

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Went to the Y yesterday. Did 30 minutes treadmill time. Forgot my headphones. Sucked.

Gotta work tomorrow. MUST.

I’m really missing the way things used to be a lot right now.

Bed. Tai chi in morning. Wasn’t feeling going the other day.

Written on my iPhone.

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Yesterday, in a move hardly characteristic of myself, I went to the YMCA to, ugh, exercise. Water aerobics.

First off, I’m not happy in a bathing suit. Yes, I hate sports, know nothing about cars, and I have body issues. So why the hell don’t I get multiple orgasms like the rest of you women? Huh? Not fair.

I didn’t even make it through the whole class, maybe 45 minutes. A bunch of old women kicked my fucking ass. My legs were burning, my heart was racing. The only good part was that it’s hard to sweat when you’re in a pool.

Apparently, you need an AARP membership before you can make it a full hour in a pool with floatie noodles and foam dumbbells. But I did it for 45 minutes, and that counts.

Tomorrow, I have two things to do. First, Tai Chi in the morning. Then, after over a month and a half, I’m finally getting my head CT. Yeah, from passing out and hitting the kitchen floor. The forehead is most certainly cracked; I can feel it. Plus, the headaches are getting more frequent…not where I usually get them, either. They’re in the front of my head. That’s not good.

I don’t know what they’ll do for me when they find out my skull is cracked. But at least I’m getting it looked at, even if it took a while to get approval to get a local CT scan done. Rather than drive two hours, I mean.

Work begins in earnest on the 2HT redesign this week. It’s one of the very few things I’m able to garner any excitement for. Most everything else feels hollow, like I’m just going through the motions.

Nothing seems to matter. Nothing seems to make a difference. I’m tearing up at the drop of a hat. Just last night, I was sniffling while listening to The Cars’ “Just What I Needed.” WTF?!

The fires keep coming, and I’m expected to put them out, to deal with the crises laying all around me. And I barely have the fortitude to get out of bed, let alone take care of problems or go do Tai Chi.

I feel unworthy. Unloveable. That fucking Permeable Teflon skin of mine. Bad goes in, good slides off. It’s automatic.

And when I have conversations like this, it gives me pause. I’m in green, by the way.

I hate when people tell me I need to agree with nice things said about me.

It’s that last bit that is so problematic for me. But Angel, she’s a smart cookie. Maybe you don’t see what she did there, but she used LOGIC. Because logic trumps emotion with me.

It’s the last sentence that really hits.

Your friends kick ass, and they love you, so you must not suck.

That’s a statement of logic. Three of them, actually.

1. Your friends kick ass. TRUE.

2. They love you. TRUE. I’ll accept this, even if I fail to see why most of the time.

3. So you must not suck. ???

That part, I’m struggling with. The first two statements are true, therefore…the last part must also be true. I mean, that’s the logical conclusion, right?

But soaking it up, as Angel says, is not just easier said than done. It’s nigh impossible. So she brilliantly played the logic card, and I’m fighting hard to negate it. Which seems stupid, mostly because it is. Why on Earth would I choose to reject love? Reject nice things? I don’t know the answer to that, exactly.

If I’m loveable, if I don’t suck, if I’m not the horrid vile person the voices in my head tell me I am…then what the fuck AM I? I’ve been this person for 43 years. If I take away the bad shit, what if there’s nothing left holding me together?

I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t know how to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel…good. And it’s a very real threat to me, this loss of all the bad shit. Who am I without it?

I must not suck.

Does not compute.

And is this my midlife crisis, by the way? I’m due for one, I suppose. I’m middle-aged. It doesn’t FEEL any different than my usual depression and angst, though. I’m still not longing to sleep with 23-year-old’s or to drive red sports cars, so that’s something. Unless it’s a red ‘66 Mustang with USB connectors.

Seriously, if I HAD a midlife crisis, would I even fucking know it? I mean, I’m in crisis now. I’m at the middle of my life.

Shit. I am having a midlife crisis.

Fuck, who needs a drink?

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