Secret Diary of Lindsay Lohan

In Support of OJ

2007-09-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

1995 was a tough year for me. It was just before I broke into my acting and modeling career. My family was really poor. we couldn't afford any drugs, even the prescription kind.

I still remember all the hard work and anxiousness that I felt about my life and career. Imagine being 9 years old and having to support 2 dead-beat parents and a younger sister. Now that's pressure.

But I still remember where I was when I heard the OJ verdict. There was this makeup artist with Toys R US named Monique and she could never get my hair to look right. We got in a huge fight and I slapped her cross the face and called her a dirty tramp. She was just about to throw a right hook to my eye socket when OJ Simpson literally saved my life.

Just as she cocked her arm back the TV in the room announced that the jury had come to a decision in the OJ Simpson case. Monique stopped dead in her tracks and we both turned our attention to the TV. From their it was only a matter of minutes before we were hugging and celebrating the juice's innocence.

It really showed us that we were on the right track. I mean if famous people can't get out of trouble when they are obviously guilty, then what were we working so hard for? Not to mention that it is very hard to get work when you are a 9 year old with a collapsed eye socket.

So it saddens me a bit to see OJ in trouble again. I guess that he robbed a casino this time?? The Oceans 11 movies are cool, but it is just a movie.

OJ, 11 years ago you supported me with your fake sincerity and I am going to do the same for you this time around.

Celbrating Fall

2007-09-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Just checking stuff out.

I can smell the rehab on Britney

2007-09-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, I know the Internet is buzzing with BritSpa footage, but I have to say it too. Did you see Britney show evidence of a lobotomy on prime time television yesterday?

Kids, if you ever want to know what rehab feels like, just watch the video below. It's kind of like everyone around you is having fun enjoying life and you are just bored to death and can barely move. which is exactly what happened last night.

At one point I was sure that "Britney" was going to pull of a mask and reveal that she was really Debbie Reynolds.

Right now you have to make a choice Brit, either start partying again or just completely disappear for about 3 years.

How Nude Photos Work

2007-09-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

You really have to give it up to Vanessa Hudgens, she is pulling off the naked picture PR very well. Here is yet another report of naked pictures of her on the Internet. There is only one problem, the pictures aren't on the Internet.

Me, Paris, Brittany and even that grandmother Pam Anderson did the right thing - we got the pictures on the Internet. For some reason this new generation of "stars" just don't seem to get the concept. They are getting coverage with TMZ reporting the issue, but the evidence isn't available.

I just want to advise that you can't disappoint your fans like this and expect them to keep coming back. As our great president once said "fool me once, shame on you but don't.... fool me second... what I'm trying to say is don't get fooled again." I think that sums it up pretty well.

Out From Rehab

2007-09-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have to apologize that I haven't been posting much. As you know (I'm sure you read every word that you can about me) I am out of rehab for a bit so I can have a little fun.

Besides that, The Hills have started and I can't pull away from the TV. I don't care if I have seen the episode 10 times, there is no way to pull myself away. The Hills is like crack, or I should say that Crack is like the Hills trust me. I am probably going to go into a TV rehab center where they let me do drugs so that I can break the habit of watching all this shit TV.

Anyways, I'm doing ok. Going to try to stay out of the news for a week or so just to try something different. Thanks for all the supportive letters. Even though half of them make no sense I appreciate the fact that you bought a stamp and mailed them to me.

Giving Beutiful People a Break

2007-08-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

It so saddens me to see everyone jumping on top of Miss South Carolina. I don't understand what the deal is. Watch the video.

I mean she is beautiful, who cares what she says. It may not have made sense to you, but did you ever think that you just aren't good looking enough to understand her message?

I know talent when I see it and this girl definitely has some. She doesn't even look like she feels awkward throughout her South African rant. Do you think you could keep that amount of composure while making as little sense as she does.

Before you start throwing stones, take a look in the mirror. And if you look like her you just may have what it takes to make it in this world. Who cares what you say.

Why Don't People Believe in Lindsay Lohan?

2007-08-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am the worlds biggest star, do you really think that I could possibly go to jail.

Sure things looked bleak. I was arrested for DUI twice. I was arrested for cocaine possession twice. I tried to blame everything on a black kid after I drove drunk to a police station with booger sugar in my pocket. I got caught giving the arresting officer a handjob.

And things still turned out exactly how I said they would. As numerous sources are reporting very accurately I won't do any jail time. Well officially I have to serve one day, but that is just to show people that I can be normal. what is actually going to happen is that I will figure out a way to clone myself and then I'll have the clone serve the day in jail.

When she gets out of the slammer I will murder her and bury her in the backyard and I still won't get in trouble. You do the math.

2 DUIs + 2 Counts of Cocaine Possession + 1 Racial Accusation - 1 Dead Clone = 1 Day in Jail.

Everyone I'm having a serious party to celebrate, be in touch.

Told You

2007-08-22T13:39:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not saying that I don't do cocaine (watch out for that double negative), but I did tell you that I won't be charged with cocaine posession.

Suckas! My good luck just keeps coming.

12 Steps of Lindsay Lohan #1

2007-08-18T09:18:00.001-07:00

Here in Utah I'm going through this 12 step program in Utah. I'm not exactly sure how this works, but they seem to want us to think and talk about ourselves. They said that it helps if you keep a journal so I figured since I'm an enourmous superstar I should keep my journal online for everyone to see.

I'm going to start with step 1 and see how it goes.

Step #1 is to admit that we are powerless over drugs and alcohol.

I sort of see what they are saying, but come on, powerless?? I mean, I buy the alcohol or at least have someone buy it for me. And I open the bottle. The alcohol is basically trapped in a prison until I let it out. Doesn't make much sense does it?

The drugs are a different story. I would definitely say that the drug dealers control the drugs. If you've ever been in the situation where your dealer won't return your phone calls you know exactly what I'm talking about. But I'm Lindsay Lohan - I don't have that problem anymore. I put my dealer on payroll as a hair and make up artist and I've never felt better.

So actually I control the drugs and alcohol and not just for me, but for my entourage too.

They are Finally Divorced

2007-08-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

Thank God.

Believe it or not, when you Google my name a story about my parents getting a divorce came up on the first page. Talk about leeching of your kid. When people search for Lindsay Lohan they want me, the actual me. Not some old wrinkled version, or the coked out guy version of me. If they wanted to see that the would search for Lindsay Lohans parents.

So now that the divorce is final it should stop becoming news. There are so many people that I would like to thank.

1. Nancy Meyers (director of the Parent Trap) without the money that I made off this movie my father may have just gone to jail for securities fraud and he may never have gotten his coke addiction.

2. Dr. Sanjay Fisher (My mother's plastic surgeon) could she honestly be hooking up with so many other men with a 45 year old's tits?

3. My younger sister Allie - you think I'm a spoiled brat.

4. ...and finally the mainstream media. For spending so much time covering me instead of the wars going on and the erosion of our civil liberties. I mean if my parents problems were no blown out of proportion everyday on TV they may have actually worked it out or separated quietly. Both of those options would be completely horrible for my career,

Not All Fun and Games

2007-08-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

Most sober people think that rehab would be a walk in the park, but it isn't. Sure I guess all you have to do is go for 30 days without drugs or alcohol, but there is so much more. Think of all the fun you have to miss.

For instance, yesterday I missed hanging out with Jenna Jamison and Paris - watch the video on TMZ. I mean you can tell they are acting weird and look how much they miss me. They are so nice to the paparazzi, why?

I would have come rolling out of that club and crashed into one or two of the photographers. Then as they are holding me up I would have started swearing and spitting. I mean that's just how its done. You have to let them snap a few pictures with your eyes half open.

Look at how calmly they walk to their cars. That is supposed to be an all out drunken sprint with at least 2 falls. You could tell they were really wasted though because they got in the back seat. Good Luck not getting pulled over when you are driving from way back there.

Worst of all - Jenna, your wearing underwear.

I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Being the World's Biggest Star

2007-08-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hey guys - sorry I couldn't post yesterday there was no news about me to comment on. Which brings me to a huge admission that I'm about to make.

I'm addicted and I finally can admit it. I'm addicted to being in the news and I NEED it EVERY DAY. A day like yesterday where the sun rises and sets and I don't get the cover of a magazine or written about on Perez Hilton absolutely drives me nuts.

Since I'm in rehab and they won't let me do drugs or have fun, I'm going to use the time positively. I'm going to make sure that in the future no day goes by without me making the news. I'm compiling a list of tactics to make sure that I m never ignored again.

If you want to email your suggestions, that's fine, but I don't really listen to normal boring people. I'm not ready to share the list, but I can tell you that it starts with "Hook up with Michael Jackson."

Do you think that will get me in the news?

Mormanism

2007-08-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

The rumors are true that my rehab center is a Morman facility. Although I haven't converted yet I am seriously thinking about religion and the role that Mormanism could play in my life. It's kind of a misunderstood religion so I want to explain some things and I hope that you, my fans, will help me make this important decision.

Firstly, it's totally OK to wear your underwear outside of your shorts, so I will fit right in.

Mormans can have more than one wife. It kind of sucks for a girl, but then again everyone in Hollywood cheats anyway. With all the wives around if I'm feeling adventurous there is always the possibility of scissor-dancing. So as long as the other wives are hot, I'm OK with this.

There is also a slight chance that I can say that the DUIs and coke binges are a religious belief. If the judge will buy this then I get off all charges. The bible says that you can't not go to jail for religious beliefs.

Mormans can also do whatever they want in the entire state of Utah. That's a plus I guess, but then again it's Utah (and Vegas - but everyone can do whatever they want in Vegas, as long as your rich.) If I can talk the tribal leader into moving to California or even Arizona then it's a no brainer.

The biggest plus is that Mormans have 2 Christmases so that means twice as many presents. It also means twice as many Morman office Christmas parties where I can get drunk and bang whoever I want without consequences. The other Morman Christmas is in July so I have to wait a whole year.

Any advice??

Thanks for the Support

2007-08-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Your comments are really keeping me strong, please stop back and this site and keep supporting me.

Being the worlds biggest star is great for many reasons - I get free drugs and booze, people take my picture, I always look great and I can yell at anyone I want without consequences. But the best part is that sometimes I can shine my bright light on you, the fans - and maybe some of my hotness will rub off.

Here are some of the great things people wrote about me.

Jonny said - oh lindsay, you're so down to earth...i wish more girls were like you.

Thanks J, but if more girls were like me think of what would happen. Firstly, the price of drugs would go through the roof. Also, I've had some driving problems. Do we want more me's behind the wheel?

-lindsey lohan is still sexy... i'd tap that

That's what I like to hear!! My email is in the profile.

- i actually feel bad for you, being in rehab again and again and again, but seriously, SHAPE UP!

I appreciate the concern - I was hoping no body noticed that I gained a few pounds. Rehab isn't the place to lose weight, but as soon as I get out I'll get back on the amphetamines.

-I love you Lindsay! One good advice; don't get caught anymore! We all do the same shit you do but you just know how to do it like the rockstar that you are ;)

So true. The paparazzi are really the ones to blame. Think how much trouble you'd be in if everyone took your picture and told stories about you all the time. It's amazing that I am where I am.

I love you all and I'll be writing again soon.

Prego, Me? Yeah right!

2007-08-10T07:10:00.001-07:00

So, again OK Magazine is reporting some bogus shit. I hear they are saying I'm pregnant. So FYI, I'm not. Now, let me clear the air for my younger fans who are probably worried sick that someday soon I'll look like their wrinkled old mothers. Don't worry, I'm way too hot for that! And it just won't happen. First, I smoke way too much pot to get pregnant. You just can't, something about a low sprem count. Also, I've used this totally effective birth control since I was 12 and it never let me down. It's called the pull and pray method. Although my guys call it the pull and spray method. I would go into further detail and explain it but I'm no doctor. All I know is everything else I've ever prayed for has come true - I'm the world's biggest star, Paris went to jail, Nicole is going to jail, and Nicole is dissolving before our eyes - see, so I'm fine. Thanks for the concern girls. And screw off OK!

Thanks for caring. As always, if you email a friend about this site you get a topless picture of me...in your dreams.

I'm Jealous

2007-08-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

Most people just don't understand. One thing they can't rehab out of me is my love for gossip blogs like TMZ. I was checking today and I saw a cute little story about my sister driving around in a golf cart.

I got a little misty eyed thinking about my childhood and all the fun I had driving around in golf carts. Wow, those were easier times.

For one thing I could get an entire lid for what I now pay for an 8 ball. And that was good shit too. I think that Johnny Depp movie about the drug dealer made them really start to raise prices. The dealers see him with a plan and a hot wife and think they need to jack up the system. Meanwhile all of us hollywood are literally paying through the nose.

I remember on the set of Parent Trap we would get shit faced off the complimentary Zimas at the bar. We'd race the carts and chase pigeons around the Paramount studio lot and try to crash into extras.

Looking at my sister trying to get some air or even tip the cart just makes me nostolgia. Enjoy it while you can kiddo.

Rehab @ Cirque

2007-08-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, as reported I'm in Utah. No, I did not cause the earthquake. Although. Maybe. I mean when is the last time such a huge star landed here. And the timing did happen to coinside with my first withdrawl shakes... So, sorry miners. My fault. But I think I'd cause more than a 4.0!

I'm here doing the rehab thing again. I guess its my third time. But really, I thought the first one "Wonderland" was a rave. And then "Promises," I mean, who keeps them? So the way I see it, this is my first real try. But, I must admit when I was visiting my mom in Strong Island and she says that Cirque Lodge has a 2 for 1 special - I thought I was going to a show where gay guys and two foot tall asain chicks are swinging on ropes and balancing on hula hoops. Very little of that here.

So it shouldnt be too hard to get clean here. I mean I'm surrounded by Mormons and mountains. And I won't climb on top either for drugs. Well, maybe. But after asking around, the mexican cook here says that the only shipment of snow this place ever gets happens in the winter. But it sounds great! He said if I snorted it it would freeze my brain! So, let's face it, I'll be back to party with him!

Will France Please Give me a break?

2007-08-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

Ew France is just killing me. First, Frances official magazine totally misconstitutes what I say and makes themselves look very stupid and now this.

Lois Vuitton just chose some old Russian guy to be there spokes model instead of me. Congratulations on becoming THE designer bag for babushkas, 40 inches of snow and black market nuclear warheads.

But there are more reasons to hate France.

Their unnatural obsession with David Hasselhoff.

Men wearing thongs.

...and of course Paris Hilton.

Elle Magazine

2007-08-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

I just want to clear up some confusion about the Elle magazine story. As most of you know I will be featured on the cover of Elle magazine in September. In the magazine I talk about my previous arrests for drunk driving, my sorrowfullness and I promise that it won't happen again.

What may not be obvious is that Elle a French magazine. Look at your keyboard right now. That little thing above the second E isn't even on your computer keyboard. If you were in France it would be there. Do you know how to speak Francish - I didn't think so.

When I said that I wouldn't be drinking and driving anymore, I meant that I wouldn't do it in France. And I told the truth. All these people hating on me just need to get the facts straight.

Again, for the record I will never get busted for drunk driving in France. Ever.

Nicole Richie Going to Jail?

2007-08-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

So here is the interview Katie Kouric did with Nicole Richie. Please only watch it if your in a place where its acceptable to laugh so hard that you pee your pants. See below for commentary.

10 seconds in: OMG She's 25?? How is she not a grandmother?

48 seconds: Why did you bring a vacuum cleaner salesman to the interview? Oh thats you're rocker boyfriend who's in that band about the Disney movie Charlotte's Web. I turned that role down about 15 times. Go on??

01:22 - Marijuana and Vicodin - Holy Shit. How were you standing. Welcome to my Monday morning.

02:51 - That isn't Jesus on his arm - funny story.

We're at the Donkey show in Tijuana and Joel doesn't know which way is up. Anyway we were talking earlier in the day about getting tattoos and Joel was all for it. He wanted something deep.

It's like 3 a.m. and me and Ryan Seacrest are dragging joel through the streets and we come upon a tattoos parlor. Would you believe it - the tattoo guy is the one Mexican Jew in the whole fucking country. Doesn't even know who Jesus is. Fortunately the tattoo guy is orthodox and has the long curls of hair.

We just tell him to tattoo himself, sans the Yamika. Perfecto! Joel you still owe me $30 by the way.

03:21: "My gut with Nicole, has always been" - Yoda or Joel Madden as Yoda?

03:42: Joel "NOOOOOOOOO"

05:04: Driving on Vicodin -> Baby -> Vicodin for menstrual cramps. hmmm?

06:27: Wow 4 days! They are going to make an XXXXS orange jumpsuit for a one time use of 4 days.

06:28 - 8:03 Blah Blah Blah

Not sure when she is going to jail, but if I'm in town, Joel, call me.

Breaking News: My Mom May or May Not Be In Serious Sh*t

2007-08-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

So the NY Post is reporting that Dina is being sued for fraud. I'm not a lawyer, but no way your honor. Did you know that in North Dakota its illegal to play poker with a horse if he's wearing sunglasses. Totally true - google it.

Anyways, they are saying she stold $400,000 from some dude in Vegas to launch my singing career.

Objection your honor!

Firstly, do I even have a singing career - no.

Second, I started my own singing career on my own. All I had was my mouth, a boob job, provocative dance moves and a Casio C580 keyboard.

I rest my case.

I'm in Hiding

2007-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Thats right I'm currently visiting Hiding, North Dakota on my publicity tour. Being in such a relaxing place is really helping me think about life and my place in the world. I can say for sure that its not North Dakota. Jesus, have you people ever heard of a caramel red-eye hazelnut frappaccino with extra whip. Where the fuck am I?

Not only that, but I checked my blog stats and I've only had 1 visitor from ND - and 3 from South Dakota. I'm getting 10,000 visitors a day to this site????

Do you even have Internet here? See pics below.

Looks fun right?

If anyone is in Norht Dakota and wants to party, I'm staying at the Days Inn room 306. Yes, there is only 1 Days Inn in the state.

The New Me. Really?

2007-08-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, as menshioned below I am making a major life change - to be a lady. And I'm trying really hard. But it's way tougher than I thought. Like, tonight, I wore underwear. I mean, forget it. It sucks. At this really nice restaurant, it took me like another 30 seconds to do it with this guy in the bathroom. Taking them off, putting them on... OMG! People were totally waiting for the stall. So inconvenient! I've decided, if I'm going to be a lady it's going to be one that does not wear underwear! Period!

The New Me

2007-08-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

Alright, enough with the madness! I feel like things are spriralling out of control. So, I took a couple secs to think about my life. And I got really confused. So I asked for help from a few people that really care about me: my mom, my sister, my hair lady (I forget her name), my law guy (forget his name too), my agent (whatever with the names already), my publicist, my manager, my crisis manager, my stylist, my makeup artist, and someone else who I don’t know why I pay him – but he’s old, ugly, and bald so he must be good at something because he definitely isn’t wasting any time with having fun or sex.

So I bought them all together to branestrom. And I handled this meeting like a real pro. I was like, “I have major problems. What are you guys doing wrong!? Lawguy, figure it out! How can cops just search my pockets? And publicity girl, like, nice work! And makeup lady, hide these freckles already!” And I just really bitched them out, cuz let’s face it, they aren’t doing a good job.

I mean, nobody even know’s Tom Cruise is gay, or Brad Pit, or Tobey Maguire – obviously there people are doing good work. So, I kept yelling. And while I was on this total bitch-session I caught a look at myself in a mirror – and I stopped and realized something horrible about myself, I have a another zit! What is wrong with you make up lady?! So I bitched even more. I was like, c’mon! I can’t figure out my whole life myself, give me some ideas! And they were like, duuuuhhh, um, maybe you should try to change your image from party girl to girl next door.

I was like ‘STUPID!” Been done. Not gonna do a "Paris." No. But they all kept going on about changing ME! ME? I’m not the one letting this stuff get out. But they were like, your growing up, be a lady. And they kept saying it. Even the bald ugly guy. And I really respek him – I mean, to be able to live and look like him and still be rich, wow.

So I thout about it. I mean, people change, right? No, it’s a question, do they? Well I will. I’ll be the first. Me, a lady. But change is tough. So I came up with this other great idea – if I do mess up I'll post a picture of me that loses clothing with each new arrest (like that movie where Martin Sheen is a baseball picher). So it’s like whatever happens I'm guarantted to be loved! Lady or not. So, here goes. The new me, a lady. And if not, a naked me. It’s a win win.

Advice From Nicole Richie

2007-08-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen it yet there are more lies in the next OK! magazine (thats me on the cover).

OK Magazine, you're really not OK. and I really don't need that skinny Nicole Richie bitch giving me advice. Nicole, I have horrible news for you - you can't take your baby to rehab. I'm guessing that I pretty much ruined 2008 for you.