SECRET FASHION DIARY

Who does he think he is?

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Well, it looks like I can't turn my back for ~~3 months~~ a minute without some disaster taking place in my absence.

Because I've been busy ~~making loads of money~~ selflessly helping people with their problems I was unable to attend any fashion events this summer.

When I returned to Paris last weekend to do a photo shoot for Vogue I was shocked to see that the editor chose this ridiculously unfashionable bunny for the main shoot. To make things worse, this bunny kept telling me how busy he was this summer and how the fashion world can't get enough of him. I kept pretending that I was busy snoozing so he would stop annoying me with his stories of fame and glory but he wouldn't shut up about it!

So I took the ultimate revenge - I un-followed him on Twitter.

I've heard from my fashion friends that he's now so upset about losing a follower like me on Twitter that he's taken some time out to do some therapy - run around on grassy fields and overeat on some carrots just to recover from this huge blow.

In addition to offering my selfless advice service I'm thinking about offering to follow people on Twitter for a small fee of million dollars as well. Let me know if you're interested, you know it will change your life forever.

It's not easy being amazing

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Tue, 24 May 2011 16:23:00 +0000

I've not been around much lately but don't blame me for it, I was busy working really hard on my new fashion photo-shoots I've barely had any time to myself so why should I make time for you?

To be honest, I'm a little annoyed and disappointed with how ungrateful some people have been for all the hard work I've put into this blog or whatever it is that they call this thing here. Instead of receiving lots of lovely gifts from you I've received this letter instead and it made me so annoyed I just had to publish it and respond to it here:

Dear SFD cat,

The other day I was arguing with my best friend who said that you're not a proper fashion model and don't deserve all the money and fame that you have.

She said that you don't really do any work at all (apparently cats are allergic to 'work' and at the mere mention of this word they tend to fall fast asleep, is that true?) and that you mainly just snooze a lot, eat a lot of cream pies and even when you do your photo-shoots you generally just sit there, doing nothing at all, looking completely disinterested and in a bad mood.

As you are my fashion idol I felt really upset about her comments and told her that you are my hero and that one day I want to be just like you - famous, glamorous and going to all the best parties with famous people. She then laughed at me and told me I'm just wasting my time and that I should just look for a decent, sensible job instead.

I'm really hurt by her comments and feel that she just doesn't understand me and, even worse, that she doesn't appreciate you and adore you the way you deserve.

What should I do?

Your biggest fan,

Beryl

*********************************************

Dear Beryl,

your friend is just jealous, ditch her immediately. Then go and get yourself a nice cat and observe her closely and model your behaviour on her. Pay particular attention to the way that the cat will ignore you extensively most of the time because it doesn't need anything from you and then become all cute and lovely and friendly when it wants something from you. This is a critical skill you must learn in order to be successful so pay close attention.

Also observe very closely how persistent your cat will be when it wants something (your cream cake you're about to start eating, for example) and how it won't leave you alone until you give in.

Another useful skill you should learn from your cat is how to revenge yourself when you don't get what you want. For example, you should start practising immediately how to scratch furniture and/or curtains, but preferably practice this at someone else's house to appreciate the full effect this approach has.

Alternatively, get your self one of those so-called sensible jobs then bore everyone at the office with your stories about how life's unfair.

Hope that helps.

*************************************************************

Do you have any dilemmas you would like me to help you with? Feel free to send me your problems you would like me to resolve with a cheque for million dollars and I'll be happy to help and change your life forever.

Quick post, I'm very, very busy tonight

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 18:00:00 +0000

I can't believe you internet people couldn't keep a secret about my invitation from Brad Pitt to be his special guest at tonight's Oscars Party. All of my modelling friends have been pleading with me to take them with me and all the major newspapers and TV stations just wouldn't leave me alone!

Photographers have been constantly trying to get a photo of me and one of them even broke into my apartment the other day when I was trying to get some much-needed snoozing on my favourite cushion at home.

I don't even want to talk about the midnight phone-calls I've been getting from Angelina, she just can't accept that Brad would rather take me than her to this event.

Anyway, must dash, I've got to get some grooming done before Brad picks me up in his limo. Maybe I better sharpen my claws too, it might just come in handy if Angelina decides to come along tonight.

And please don't bother coming back here after tonight to find out how my night with Brad went, you'll just have to wait for my auto-biography titled "My brilliant and exciting life" to come out and find out.

Lies and dishonesty

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 18:20:00 +0000

We were getting ready to do this glamorous photo-shoot for Vogue the other day and the model next to me just couldn't stop fidgeting and I could even see that she was starting to sweat! When the photographer asked her to take her hand out of her coat she simply refused and said she was really itchy and needed to keep scratching herself.

As I was starting to get bored with this photo-shoot I thought I would speed things up a little and give her a little scratch with my claws. She then started to scream and as she started flapping her arms around something fell out of her coat onto the floor. I picked it up and realised it was an invitation to this year's Oscar Party sent to me by Brad Pitt!
(Just in case you don't know who Brad Pitt is here's one of the photos I've taken of him when he came around to my house for a game of chess and some pie few days ago):

Who did she think she is? Did she really think that Brad would ever want to take her to Oscar party instead of me? I mean, she's nowhere near as good looking and glamorous as me, what was she thinking? Was she thinking at all!?

Humans will never cease to amaze me with their arrogance.

I deserve better than this

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 21:10:00 +0000

I've been in such a bad mood recently I couldn't even be bothered to pose for the last photo-shoot and all because I'm still fuming about the lack of generosity in response to my emotional appeal.

The cash gifts that were sent to me hardly amounted to half a million dollars, and most of the home-baked cream pies that some of my fans sent me were made with this disgusting thing called "low-fat cream" that just wasn't good enough for someone with such a sophisticated taste like I have, so they all ended up on the dinner plate of ~~my owner~~ women I live with who didn't seem to care and eat them all anyway, but then again she's a human so you can't expect anything better, can you? And here's a question for the joker who sent me this self-help book called "How to get in touch with your inner most feelings and learn to love yourself again" - what are you trying to suggest?

I'm too angry and disappointed to write any more on this topic, I'm off to Paris now to do a photo-shoot for Vogue and there better be some decent presents waiting for me when I return.Otherwise I won't tell you any gossip from the party at Kate Moss' house I went to last night. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why you should never talk about your feelings

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 18:56:00 +0000

The other day my agent suggested that I might be coming across to my readers as too insensitive and selfish.

"You should tell more stories about yourself where you clearly demonstrate that you are sensitive and full of worries, insecurities and fears just like those humans." he said. So I thought I would give it a go as talking about feelings on the internet could potentially make people send me more gifts to make me feel better.

My good friend (famous super-model whose name I would rather keep private for her sake) invited me to come over to her house that same evening to just chill with her, eat some decent food (cream cakes and pies) and talk about our fears and insecurities.

Well, I listened to her go on and on about love or whatever and kept waiting for her to start serving some food, I was starving! But after 5 minutes of listening to her whining about finding true love or something I was bored and exhausted and I fell asleep.

I never got any cream cakes. I woke up the next morning feeling hungry and disappointed. I felt like crying. I felt like my life wasn't turning out the way I imagined it would. I felt alone and frightened.

Will you send me some cream cakes to make me feel better? You can see I feel all emotional, can't you?

Well, can't you? Then what are you waiting for? Go and get busy baking cream cakes and send them to me via first class post. Hurry.

She just couldn't leave me alone

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 17:13:00 +0000

I was chatting to some of my modelling friends few nights ago at a party and one of the models told me who was the joker who sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you" as a Christmas present.

When I found out it was her I was absolutely outraged! After everything I've done for her and all the helpful advice I've shared to help her become more glamorous and successful how could she do this to me? To make the insult even worse she told all my modelling friends that she sent me those vegetables to help me lose some weight. As if i need to do that, I am perfect just as I am, what's wrong with this woman?

Anyway, few days ago I've had to do yet another Vogue photo-shoot and she was just hanging around desperate to spend a bit of time with me and ask me for more hints and tips on how to get a gig with Vogue. Deciding not to be angry with her any more and remain helpful like I've always been (I just can't help it) I told her to stop shaving her legs so that she can try to look as hairy as me.

I thought she would have been grateful for this helpful and generous advice but apparently she's now really angry with me because the last photo-shoot she was booked for was cancelled because the photographer was not able to stop staring at her legs for long enough to take a single photo.

Why is she angry with me? What have I done? Actually, I don't care, I'm not going to waste my time on this, I have some snoozing to do.

Never again

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 15:38:00 +0000

I know I haven't been around here much but I've had to kind of lay low for a bit after a complete fiasco with my last fashion photo-shoot that you can see in this photo.

After receiving hardly any Christmas gifts after my appeal and even finding that some joker sent me a huge box of fresh vegetables with a note "Eat these, they're good for you!" I was left disgusted and disappointed.

But then, out of the blue, my agent called me and said that this ridiculously rich lady who owns 3 cats would give me a million dollars if I agreed to do a Vogue cover shot with her cats.

I didn't really want to work with a bunch of amateurs again but I thought I could do with a bit of spare cash, so why not?

Well, the photo-shoot turned into a complete disaster. Two of the cats kept arguing about who gets the best spot on the sofa and the stupid looking orange cat you can see next to me on the left foolishly colored her fur orange specially for the photo-shoot and felt really stupid when she realized that orange was clashing with the pink dress the model was wearing.

The model in the pink dress ended up so confused by the whole situation that she forgot to put any shoes on and ended up looking ridiculous as well.

Thankfully I still ended up looking great in this photo so Vogue decided to Photoshop all the other cats and the model from the photo and a photo of just me looking great ended up on the Vogue cover.

The rich lady is still chasing me to get her million dollars back. After what I've had to put up with during this photo-shoot she can absolutely forget it.

Would anyone else be interested in doing a photo-shoot with me? If you have a million dollars to spare do not hesitate to contact my agent. Yeah, you're welcome.

So unfair

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 17:32:00 +0000

I've just got back from another fashion photo-shoot and I'm still in shock. This model I was working with asked me if someone called Santa brought me any brilliant presents for Christmas and I was really confused because I never heard of this Santa before.

She then explained that this Santa person brings presents to everyone who behaves really well all year round so I was even more confused because I am an example of good behaviour! How come he never came to visit me then!? Just read all of my posts here and you'll find nothing but kindness, generosity, hard work and self-sacrifice demonstrated by me. If I don't deserve free presents then I really don't know who this Santa thinks he is?

To show your support for me against this great injustice feel free to send me as many presents as you like: cream, pies, fresh fish (I prefer the more expensive kind, thanks), comfy cushions and blankets to snooze on and a free holiday in Caribbean will all be generously accepted by me.

Please don't send me any cheap stuff or things like books, I really don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Or whatever.

It was all her fault

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 18:20:00 +0000

I don't know why I've been paired up with yet another nearly-naked model for the last photo-shot after my traumatic experience from last week, but it seems that they wanted to test my limits again this week.

This model, who was only wearing this silly red underwear, was meant to cuddle me and make me look even cuter than I already am (hard to believe that's possible I guess, but whatever). So we started to pose for our photographer and this model kept holding me tighter and tighter and I just didn't like it so I kept wriggling and fidgeting so she would ease up her tight grip on me.

"But I'm freezing cold, please let me hold you closer to me." she whispered in my ear while shivering with cold.

I wouldn't have any of it of course and I kept fidgeting for the rest of the photo-shoot until they made her put a nice thick cardigan and some wooly socks on and we finally managed to get the photos done that were published in all the major fashion magazines.

She was really upset with me for making her look like an old granny and told me she would never work with me again. As if I care.

Why you should never eat too much pie

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 19:01:00 +0000

Well, after the last week boring photo-shot my life got a lot more dramatic. I was asked to be the main model for this photo-shoot advertising a perfume and the photographer asked me to pose in a cute way on this piece of yellow silk next to a topless model.

It was time for this model to take her top off and pose in the background but she kept hesitating for ages until I was starting to get really bored and asked her what's her problem, why is she not taking her top off and posing for the shoot.

"I've eaten too much pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving and my tummy is looking huge!" she whispered to me nervously, "I can't go topless looking so fat right next to you looking so gorgeously slim."

I showed no sympathy to her, after all I didn't get any pie this week so why should I care?

She then grabbed the piece of yellow silk I was posing on and quickly covered herself. I was desperately trying to hold onto it but she just wouldn't let go!

The photograph you can see here ended up in all the major fashion magazines, it was a huge success!

I've also heard rumors that I might be offered a role in the next James Bond film after I showed the world that I can put up such a good fight. Watch this space.

Feeling fed up

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 19:45:00 +0000

This week there's been no exciting photo opportunities for me and all I got was this photo-shoot for "Homes and Gardens" magazine where I had to peep from under the covers and look cute, but I just couldn't be bothered. We were asked to do some photos to promote a new line of bed sheets and to be honest it took a real effort not to just fall asleep from boredom of it all.

I was asked to participate in this photo-shoot after the magazine decided that using my friend Berty for this campaign just wasn't working because he's apparently put on too much weight recently. Here's one of the photos of him they've decided not to use, I guess he does look a lot less glamorous than me:

I don't think he looks fat in this photo at all, I think he just looks bored and desperate to go to a glamorous fashion party to drink champagne and eat cream.

I do miss all the glitter, sexy make up and high heel shoes, cocktail parties to go to after the photo-shoot, the glamor of it all already.

Why Jamie loves me

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 16:14:00 +0000

I often get invited by celebrities to join them on their TV shows to add a bit of glamor and sophistication to their program and to boost their TV ratings or increase their book sales or whatever. Most of the time I turn these celebrities down because to be frank I don't have time to mix with people less famous than me, my life on the catwalk and on fashion shoots is so busy I barely get to snooze for more than 20 hours a day anyway, so I really can't afford to waste any time.

But when Jamie sent me an email the other day ~~asking~~ begging me to be a special guest on his cooking program I could not resist. He wrote that he's lost his inspiration and couldn't think of any amazing recipes to demonstrate on his cooking show so he needed me there to give him inspiration, like I always do.
I gave him one of my old secret recipes - pizza with double cream.

He was really worried about cooking this pizza in front of millions of viewers who were watching his programs that night because he just couldn't see how can a pizza which contains only a pizza base and 4 liters of double cream possibly work.

But of course it worked and when he tasted it for the first time he was speechless, he was so overwhelmed with the amazing taste of my recipe I could see tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes.

After the program was over Jamie and I were just chilling in his dressing room and he told me he'll be forever grateful that I took some time from my busy schedule to come and help him when he needed me most.

For those of you who can't wait for Jamie's new recipe book which will feature this amazing double cream pizza recipe I've decided to generously share it here with you:

Ingrediants:
1 pizza base
4 liters of double cream.

Cooking instructions:
1. Bake pizza base in the oven for about 10 minutes.
2. Take it out of the oven and wait for it to cool down.
3. Pour cream all over it.
4. Eat it.

For those of you who are short of time due to busy life like me, just ignore the pizza base altogether and eat the cream.

Enjoy.

Jealousy

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 18:31:00 +0000

I am so angry I can barely speak but this needs to go on the track record for future generations of cat super-models so that they can learn from my experience.

See the photo above? See me in it? Or see just the part of me with the rest of my body partially obscured by this model?

Well she did that on purpose! She was pretending to be trying to get herself to look sexy and attractive by flicking her hair, but really all she was trying to do is block me out of this photo. And all because she was jealous of me and the fact that I was far better looking than her and a lot more famous than she'll ever be.

In the next photo you can't even see me at all!

That's because after the first photo was taken I was so angry with her that I scratched her on the face and they decided to ban me from taking part in the photo-shoot altogether. I don't feel proud of this act, but I was just so angry with her and that photographer wasn't seeing my side of the story at all. I think that might have something to do with the way the model was posing, I think he was finding it attractive or something.

In the end they've decided not to publish these photos in Vogue at all, apparently they decided that the photos without me in it are just not worth publishing.

Serves her right, she'll know better next time not to mess with me.

Can't talk now, still recovering

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 16:24:00 +0000

Too tired to write. Need to nap. Need to eat a lot to replace all the calories I've lost after dancing all night. Need to change my mobile phone number after giving it to someone I don't want to go out on a date with. Need to get to the hairdresser to get some serious grooming for my fur after all the make up I was wearing for the party has made it look dull and without my usual healthy looking shine. Need to stop partying so hard and start having quiet nights in, reading books or knitting or something.

Anyone know a good cure for hangovers?

Things you do for your best friends

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 18:57:00 +0000

I'm a bit embarrassed to talk about this but I guess you'll get to find out about it in the news and fashion forums about this soon enough anyway so I might as well give my version of the events.

Kate (Moss that is) and I were doing this photo-shoot and she got to wear this pretty dress you can see in the photo.

"I really want to keep this dress but they won't let me, it's so unfair." she whispered to me while I was trying to pose for the photo.

As Kate is one of my best friends I really wanted to do something for her and decided to scratch it a bit thinking that if it's ruined they won't be bothered about keeping it and might let her have it.

Unfortunately the photographer saw me do it and immediately accused me of ruining the shot and the dress. I kept pretending that it wasn't me and that I knew nothing about this but it was too late, he caught it all on camera.

Kate got to keep the dress but I was punished for this whole thing by being photoshop-ed out of the final editorial that was published in all the major fashion magazines and this photo is the only one left.

Kate told me not to worry, she's taking me to Paris next week for an amazing editorial photoshoot and an all weekend party!

Result.

Sometimes it can be tough even for me

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 17:05:00 +0000

It's been a tough week for me. I've had to do this photo-shoot for lingerie company and the model I was working with made me feel so insecure about my looks that I just couldn't face revealing more than my head in the photo.

I had to hide most of my body behind that sofa arm even though the photographer kept asking me to perch gracefully on the arm of the sofa and look mysterious.

Well, peeping behind the sofa arm was as mysterious as I could get that day. All I could think about was getting over and done with this shoot and heading home to ~~have a nap~~ think about my future as a model.

Do you think I should keep modelling?

She should never have asked

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 11:09:00 +0000

I get asked by so many models what makes me so special that I get picked for Vogue cover over and over again. "What is your secret!?" they'll ask frustratedly and fail to remember that just being me is the secret.

The other night, at this posh party, one of the models kept asking me to give her advice (based on my extensive experience) how she too could get at least one photo-shoot for Vogue.

I was desperate for my evening snooze and she was really in my face so I got really annoyed with her and just wanted to get rid of her.

Look, I was tired and I just wanted to have a well-deserved nap, ok?

After my nap I was on my way to the bar to get a refreshing glass of champagne and I couldn't believe what I saw:

I wish humans would stop aspiring to be more like me, they clearly can't handle it.

Why you should never work with amateurs

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 14:58:00 +0000

So this might make me sound all selfish and full of myself but somebody needs to speak up about this nightmare of working with those who are just not qualified to do the job and haven't got a clue about being professional.

See this dog that the model is holding? Well, that was meant to be me in that place but the photographer kept insisting that the dog should be the center of attention, not me. I later heard that the dog has some useful contacts (I think his second cousin Cecil was a stunt dog on one of the Hollywood movies or something, can't remember which one now) so he got him this gig as a favor.

As you can see from this photo he was getting all big headed and kept calling me a loser.

Well that was a big mistake. The dog could not wait until the photo shoot was over and before you know it he was doing something unmentionable next to this lamp post.

After the incident the model refused to hold the dog again or stand next to the puddle that the dog had made, and who can blame her?

Once the dog realized that none of his photos would end up in the magazine he kept barking questions about who turn the water tap on and kept the water running during this photo shoot. But I had no idea what that's got to do with any of this so I refused to answer any questions. What a loser.

Preparing for a fashion photo-shoot

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 16:14:00 +0000

Getting ready for a fashion photo-shoot can sometimes be a really stressful time with all those last minute tweaks and changes to make up and outfits they want us to model. But there are times when I just refuse to be rushed. It's important to remember to just step back from it all every now and then and just enjoy small pleasures in life.

On being unprofessional

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 09:59:00 +0000

We were shooting this photo last year and this model kept tripping over me, she just couldn't handle these high heels and kept saying that the reason she was wobbling around and couldn't pose in an attractive way was because of me!

"What's the cat doing in this photo!?" she kept screaming in a hysterical, but now when I think about it absolutely ridiculous and unprofessional way.

I told her maybe she should be wearing some comfy slippers instead. And that's when they made me wear this color-matching collar. I hate those collars. I hate the way I just gave in and let them put one on me. I look like a dork.

I'm never going to work with this model again. Ever.

What went wrong with my photo shoot for Elle front page

noreply@blogger.com (sfd) — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 18:35:00 +0000

This is me, on the right, on the cover of Elle magazine. Yeah, I know, I've got my back turned to the camera, but I did it out of protest against the girl next to me who insisted on wearing a black dress for this shoot. And black is my color, damn it, she doesn't even look good in it. Unlike me, I look cool in black.

What you can't tell from this photo is that 2 minutes before this photo was taken she was crying like a baby because I told her that her face looks fat in this dress.

I heard through my contacts that she didn't eat anything but salad for 2 weeks after that. Serves her right.