Secrets Disclosed

HALLELUJAH NIGHT IN SOUTH ST. PAUL, MN!

2013-10-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

Last year at SCSU

2013-08-20T09:34:00.000-05:00

It's my "last" academic year at St. Cloud State University. I'm so happy what has come my way during my college and life experience in St. Cloud. I honestly thought that it would be boring and whatnot but I have found a great group of friends, student community, and sisterhood amongst my NAPAWF(National Asian Pacific American Women's Forum) St. Cloud chapter.

The dudes
I have dealt with love, heartbreak, and love again. I know that it's been a rough road with my relationships but I will continue to thank God for his continuous blessings and his guidance. I am just so grateful to be with my lovely boo boo, Neal. He's such an amazing person that has changed my life. I was thankful to God because he sent Neal to me. I know that sounds corny but I honestly think, our paths crossed because God knew how much we both needed each other.

St. Cloud fam
Where do I start with this one? I believe that HSO(Hmong Student Organization) was probably the extended family that I've always wanted. They are so full of surprises and life. I love how welcoming and loving we all are with one another. Helping each other grow as students and as adults together. I will be indebt to those that have helped me with school, car issues, life experiences, etc. They are the best.

NAPAWF sisters of St. Cloud chapter, you have etched a place in my heart. I am so amazed at all the wonderful things that have happened in my life because of this amazing organization and because of the sisterhood I've created with these lovely, fierce sisters of mine. They are so strong and empowering to others that make connections with them. They can always be understanding and knowledgeable about life. I would just like to thank you all for your amazing work and mission that you've instilled in my heart.

Women's Center Director Jane Olsen, you are amazing. Probably the best and most wonderful mentor I've had during my academic career. I know I have blossomed into the person I am because of your guidance and expertise. You are so amazing and continue to empower young women to their potential.

This is my last year, gotta make it amazing!

Green Tea Flush!

2013-07-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

So Neal has been looking into oral medicine to help flush the bad stuff outta your body. He also read that if you drink green tea and water while only eat raw veggies and fruits, you can flush out your system in a healthy way as well. That's the plan for the next two weeks.

6 days behind!

2013-05-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

I am soo sorry. I have just been occupied and healing. I just had a kidney biopsy on Monday and couldn't really do much. I practically starved the whole day. The nurses were nice but the lab people were just annoying. I hate how they came every 4-5 hours to get more blood. It was so disturbing, I couldn't even sleep. So tomorrow I'll be starting my job as a Student Coordinator. I am super excited and can't wait to be doing things. Gonna get started on my summer reads and get in shape. The doctor said I shouldn't lift anything more than 10 lbs and no strenuous exercises for the next couple week. So that means I just have to eat healthy and small.

Day 9&10!

2013-05-10T10:35:00.002-05:00

OH man I am so happy. Semester is officially over! I have been super productive with my time. I definitely love that I actually have more time to work out now. I think I'm going to keep my workout the same throughout the week and then up the amount of reps every week. I've seen some progress with my waist line. Yay!

Currently grading finals for Math 193 then I'm off to my Derm appointment. I hope I can figure out all this stuff about my spots and hopefully make sure that it's really benign and nothing too life threatening. I cannot wait to enjoy the sun and do some reading as well running. I've been meaning to get back into running, especially to prepare for my 5K in July with Anj.

LET'S GET 'ER DONE!

Day 7

2013-05-08T14:46:00.001-05:00

I feel great today! Finished my last final, cleaned the house and got my daily work out on! I feel so accomplished today. I even made crispy flatbread but it turned out a tad too salty. :)

Ah I'm an relieved that I'm done for the semester but I am really upset with myself for not trying my hardest this semester. My motivation left when I came back from Southeast Asia. I'm not blaming it but myself for not wanting to try even harder. I cannot believe it. Overall, I'm gonna have another go tonight for another workout session.

Evening workout;:
10 min stretch
30 lunges
30 bicycle crunches
30 oblique crunches
20 push ups
30 sit ups
5 20 sec planks
10 min cool down stretch

Day 3-6

2013-05-07T14:20:00.000-05:00

Okay I'm being quite lazy at writing! But it's finals week. After wednesday, Blogger I'm all yours!

Day 3-4: Very unproductive. Ate amazing stuff, especially dessert. Pho at Sam's birthday <3.

Day 5: Okay I made some quesadilla burgers for the guys and it was delicious. Maybe I should consider going back on my quesadilla/tofu diet.

Day 6: First time eating cereal for breakfast in a few months. I really did not enjoy the coldness but summer's coming up so I guess it wouldn't be too bad. Definitely can't wait finish studying for my last final Wednesday morning.

Day 1&2

2013-05-03T18:30:00.000-05:00

Day 1:Totally not productive. I didn't work out and do more reps like I said and I ate McDonalds. Oh dear. C'mon Amee! You got this!

Day 2:I'm need to push myself to be on a more strict diet. Tonight's date night dinner will be: Cucumber tuna rolls, pasta tuna soup, and for dessert we have stuffed strawberry cheesecake.

Today's a rest day for working out so I'm gonna relax my muscles but not my mind; gonna go read some mangas with the Boo!

New YOU for 2013!

2013-05-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

I've been away for a few months and I need a project. I have done monthly fun things on this blog and I decided to do something I can see a progressive turn out. I've been on this craze of getting fit and healthy but having no real motivation to necessarily do it because I keep making excuses. Therefore I decided to start posting on my blog again as well as keep motivation through writing about my progress. I will be in a 5k at the Dragon Boat Festival at Phalen Lake this summer and I wanna keep up with my friend Anj. So I'll be preparing myself for this as well as getting healthy. I will be doing before and after pictures each month.

So first and foremost, I'll start with eating habits and work out routines I am currently doing at the moment. In all honesty, it hasn't been helpful since I don't go to the gym or have any good set of weights lying around. I usually do 20-30 reps of sit up, crunches, push-ups etc. As long as I am not jumping everywhere and disturbing neighbors downstairs. I am not on a super strict diet but I am trying to eat in smaller portions and definitely more veggies and fruit. I keep telling myself to become a vegetarian again but that bacon!! Oh bacon kills me everytime. Since I'm mostly in charge of getting groceries when Neal and I go shopping, I think I'll have enough $$ for my end of the list. I really want to invest in healthy lifestyles for both Neal and I since we're still very capable and young.

Today's Goal: up my reps, eat a light dinner, pack lunch for tomorrow, and finish final exam for Women's Studies course.

VAGINA MONOLOGUES AT SCSU!

2013-02-08T13:42:00.001-06:00

Accepting 2012 and going onto 2013

2012-12-18T14:37:00.001-06:00

It's been about 3 months since I've written on this blog. Life does take you by the horns and tries to make you do things that take away so much time. I think there are so many blessings and mishaps that happened this year for everything has a purpose of course. So let me just write a few things that have definitely changed my life.

Looking back at a few of my post, there were a few things I was going through with my past relationship. At the time, the man was trying to win back my heart although I was stubborn. Very stubborn, in deed. I seemed careless of his feelings and his hurt emotions but he sure did twist up things in the summer. He definitely showed me that love wasn't suppose to be hurtful and that I should be nice for once. I definitely reflected on the habit I've fallen into with him and noticed that I was being really childish and selfish. I need something more to heal me and teach me to love and that's where I found my faith with God deeper.

This past summer I was hoping to attend Standing Stones camp but I came up short with finances but with God's help, I was able to attend and get baptized. This is such a big part of my faith to get baptized and becoming a part of God's bigger family is just amazing. I'm able to have more by allowing God to guide me and make me reborn with Christ. It was beautiful.

At camp I met someone I kinda never thought would go for me. I was going through a hard time after leaving my past relationship this year so I wasn't really hoping to hop into another one but it was kinda different. I think it was so relaxing and comforting to know that I was myself and try to find God in this new man, Neal. I mean we just went a few dates, no big deal, and then he suggested that we should see each other more often. I thought that it'd be cool to make new friends and what not so I went a long with it. Well he is something else. I constantly smile whenever he's around. I think a lot of people say it's only the first few months, but it's definitely more than beginnings. He definitely has the heart and mind of the man I hoped for. God surely does work in mysterious ways when we find Him with so much yearning.

School has started off great. I got to see and meet familiar faces and take charge of an organization that I hope to make it more awesome! Although is started off splendidly, it surely is ending on an off note. I have 4 finals to take and none seem to be as fun. I have 3 exams and one final paper to write. I really really need a break. Finances have been up the wah-zoo! I surely need a break from being a student and paying for so much stuff. I feel like money doesn't help me but suffocates me. I really wish there was no such thing as money because I am rich in all my other traits, especially being rich as God's daughter.

Laos/Thailand/malaysia to start the new year. Start new adventures to Neal. Start new expectations of and from my organization and school. AMEE YOU GOT THIS! :)

It's official!

2012-09-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

ahh! :)

It's been a truly fun start Txawj Xav!! I can't believe it, we made it far. I believe God only has good things in store for us. To get us through whatever may come our way, we will be there to support and motivate each other. ♥

Oh Hello!

2012-09-20T14:45:00.002-05:00

I wish I could just stay active on this thing.

School is better than usual. I believe it's like this because I am constantly doing homework and keeping myself occupied with school work. I think that programming might be a little difficult at first, so I need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Oh man, homework was due and I couldn't get the program to work but eventually it did because I finally added the semicolon that needed to be there. That's so silly right?! :)

Fellowship amongst the other Hmong Baptist Churches in the cities is just so fun. The constant worship and learning about God's word is just so amazing. My weekends are a break from school and extra focus on you, Lord! :)

Whoever said working out was so fun! The energy and results are AHH-MAA-ZING! You feel this happiness and appreciation for pulling through another hard time with grace. I definitely pump up the Praise and Worship playlist on pandora while I'm running those miles.

Have you ever felt like the sun shines on you everyday? It's like having someone make you laugh and smile all day long. They make you smile like Sang-man (from Hello Ghost).
How can this heart move so fast? Is it okay to do so? Can I really accept what's coming my way? God, whatever you have in store for me, I am willing to accept. I just hope that you guide us both if we are going into this journey.

I won't give up on US! - J. Mraz

2012-09-11T09:58:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot and I don't want us to stop talking to each other because we make each other smile a lot. Like more than I would have ever thought. Koj txawj xav kawg li os.

What's on your mind?

2012-08-21T09:14:00.000-05:00

God, I know that you have sent these important people in my life for a reason. I know you've taken me on this road and I still need your guidance in making the right decisions. It's just been just a mystery as to where I'll end up going or how I will be leading others to you.

I think that other relationships has taken a toll on me and I hope that you can break my heart to keep me strong and focused on the right road to you, Lord. It's hard being distracted and trying to accommodate to this human life. I think that you know me best and I lift myself up to you to use me how you'd like God.

School will soon come around and I hope to finally get into my program. I can't believe it's that time of the year. Fall will come and the leaves will change colors.

California, here I come this winter. I don't care how expensive you are, I'm coming and get ready for me! I miss my family soo much. I miss my mother more than ever and I should visit Dad. He's been on my mind a lot. I wish he could see the accomplishments that I have achieved in Minnesota. I wish he could see the changed Amee that has become more mature and smarter about life. I miss you Dad.

Love. Love more everyday and fear less. Linda Nyugen, I am so happy that you really emphasize on this. There are many levels of love and different ways to express it but definitely love one another and care for one another for we are here for one life time. I think I need to show my love more. Whether it's to my roommates or to the stranger I walk by on the streets.

Love one another and fear less.

Oh Life!

2012-08-14T12:28:00.001-05:00

Goals for this week:
-finish packing my stuff at the apt to move to the new place!
-make some awesome eggplant relish or pasta!
-get to work on time
-Try Seven Elphants in STC
-enjoy the summer weather while it's still here
-start/finish the ASIA board for mainstreet

Fall semester is coming up and there is no time to waste! Definitely gonna be productive this week because I wanna finish this summer with an amazing transition into the fall.

**Keep an eye out for my pasta picture!

Forgiveness and Love

2012-07-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough and crazy summer. It has actually been the best "down" time I've had since I started going to SCSU. Every summer since I've moved back in 2009, I worked and went to summer school. It has definitely been a wonderful experience

Besides the lost love and friendship from Xue, I think I've actually gained so much more in return. I've gained memories and experiences that has made life so much more fulfilling. I've loved and lost. I've coped and am now content.

So what I'm super happy about is all the events that followed. I finally got to spend family time with my Yaya and Masthais!! :) Oh how I missed these kids so much throughout the school year. I can't believe my Yaya is growing so fast for a 10 year old! Next thing you know it, she'll be running after boys and getting super dolled up. I don't hope for it but she'll want to experience it. The other week she asked how it feels to have a boyfriend! LOL. Masthais is growing into such a compelling teenager. Oh I wish I was this close with Rayray when we lived together.

And then there's this guy from far away. He's such a trip sometimes but he's awesome. I don't know but it's definitely a different feeling. Maybe it's because he's older, he's stable, he's ambitious, he's ... well the list can go on. Long distance is such a bummer but it surely makes every second so much more intriguing. I've learned to appreciate the people I love that live far away. Also, I've learned to appreciate time and money because nothing comes free in life.

STANDING STONES 2012: LIFE ON THE LINE HAS DEFINITELY MOVED ME. I am so blessed to have that support and family <3. I got baptized at SS12 and now I'm a part of God's bigger family. It was truly awesome. The message for each sermon touched me deeper and deeper and it definitely has shown me more guidance. I definitely felt the Holy spirit move through all campers, chaperones, volunteers, and staff at SS12. Til next year SS13!! :)

Oh summer, you're ending soon with the last week of online classes and getting back into work. St. Cloud bound from here on out.

Now I know

2012-07-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

I finally know why these men that I've meet in my life like me. It's hard to accept sometimes because I surely don't see it as anything big. This while week has really opened my eyes to the types of guys I attract or what I'm attracted to. It's just so interesting.

Relationships are too difficult to try to get into now and I think God will have his way with my future. I'll just let him guide my way in life.

STANDING STONE HERE I COME!!

Memories are all we have now...

2012-06-11T09:13:00.000-05:00

Trying to love someone can be tiring and make you feel unmotivated to try anymore. It's okay. I've accept and respect your decision that you made. I hope that you fall in love and experience happiness only. :)

Being a Hmong Feminist has..

2012-05-03T14:29:00.001-05:00

really inspired me to enjoy life the way it is and as my many Christian friends say, "Let Go, Let God."

It's been one long ride this whole school year but I've done it. Let's just say I'm glad for it to be done because there hasn't been a day in the year where I'd wish I could just evaporate for a bit and rain hard to come back. So let's talk about some crazy shit that went down this year.

Xue's Break up

Now this was an experience I hope not too many sisters out there feel when a man they've trusted with their hearts leaves them and breaks it. I think the break up made life seem sad because not only did I lose my lover but such a great friend. It was a few weeks until we started to speak again but after he broke up with me, I seriously felt like there was nothing that would fix it. There was nothing to get him back to me but sooner than I thought, Xue wanted us to get back. Although it was only a few weeks, I felt like we would never get back but I seriously made the committment that I would never go back to him because 1)he's hurt my heart so bad 2)he left me during such a hard time in my semester 3)I seriously would've never thought he was the one to let us go because he always urged ME to talk to him and keep our relationship together. The long distance really got the both of us and I don't think I'll ever try it again.

V-DAY @ SCSU

It was by far the craziest and most fun event I've ever done with the Women's Center. It has really inspired me to love my vagina even more and cherish people's experiences. I <3 you JENNA STAMMEN. You are totally gonna be the co-director with me again.

Confessions of a Lazy Hmong Woman

What can I say about May Lee Yang? She's just so awesome. I'm so glad that I got to bring her here to SCSU and have her show FOR FREE!! Yes I made it happen and the Hmong students loved it. They really would like to see her back here at SCSU and maybe this time we can bring Ten Reason I'd be a bad Porn Star. Now that'd be awesome.

These are just the few things that were a lot of work for me outside of school. I feel that school will always be hard but it's worth the time and money for that kind of education. I've learned so much in college and I hope young women and girls continue to pursue higher education because it's more that a degree, it's a lifetime of experiences within 5-6 years.

You'll experience more heart breaks, more laughs, more tears, more of anything you can think of during college because you really learn to let yourself go and really let yourself do what you are made to do. I'm the strong, fierce woman I am today because I've let go of all that and let God in to guide me to where I am. He's led me to places I thought I never would've been if he didn't tell me that I am doing what I'm here to do.

Toes - Lights

2012-02-21T13:32:00.002-06:00

Love it! ♥♥

If you are a cliff hanger ending
I’m the one that doesn’t know anything
Like a magpie and a ring
I am always gonna be looking right to you
Oh, you capture my attention
Carefully listening, don’t wanna miss a thing
Keeping my eyes on you
Got me on my toes
If I were to hide out on the sea
You’d be whispering from the westerlies
In any book I’ll ever read
You’d be the line that sticks out to me
Oh, you capture my attention
Carefully listening, don’t wanna miss a thing
Keeping my eyes on you
Oh, you capture my attention
I’m anticipating, I’m watching and waiting
For you to make your move
Got me on my toes
Got me on my toes

Valentine's Day 2012

2012-02-19T23:19:00.001-06:00

So valentines was about a little be less than a week ago. I decided that I will officially stop talking to Xue and then it just got confusing when I got flowers and candies from his cousin which she said that he wanted to give to me as a surprise. She gave me bouquets of flowers and candies. Oh dear. What do I do now? Why do I feel like everything will get better just because he gave me this stuff for valentine's? what's the point? why the flowers and candies? why would he think that these items could ever win my heart again?

Lisa said I should just be strong and not talk to him. He has other priorities in life and I believe that I should not be one of them. It's his parents, bills, and being stable. Mine are school, family, God, and work.

I'm so sorry God. I haven't been praying and going to church to fellowship. It feels like a blur. Life feels like a blur because sometimes it seems so real here in college and then I go back home and it doesn't seem right. It seems like I'm in two separate worlds that are 70 miles apart. It seems there is a different sense of community wherever I go. These communities that I feel are tugging at my heart because I care so much, so deeply about both. What's wrong with me?

Life is as complicated as trying to figure out the correct syntax in MATLAB(a program that deals with mathematical problem solving). What should the input be for a priority and necessity? Should I choose between family or school? Should I choose between God/Jesus or a partner? Choices are hard but if we aren't given choices, what do we have? Do we need an input check to help direct us to use the correct input the user should use? Error messages are showing everywhere but if I don't know what to do, how do I begin to fix it?!

Xue, I appreciated everything we have done and gone through but there are some variables in life where it doesn't apply to the function anymore.

In math, life just makes sense without all the what if's and excuses.

Something new but delicious!

2012-01-07T18:53:00.002-06:00

Today I made BIBIMBAP! It was a spur of the moment but I really want some korean food. I know I didn't have the right ingredients but I used what I could with whatever I had. The paste I made was actually the paste for the Grilled Venison but I used it anyways. The paste consisted of 1 tablespoon of hot pepper paste, 2 tablespoons of soy bean paste, some chopped up green onions, garlic, sugar, and sesame oil. It was quite delicious. Today's bibimbap consist: rice, stir fry ground venison with ginger, chopped carrots, chopped green onions, stir fry cabbage, a cooked sunny-side up egg, fresh chopped ginger, stir fried red onions, and especially the special paste. It was something I've always wanted to do but didn't because I always told myself I didn't have the right ingredients. I'm so glad to have had these veggies and meat available. Here it is!

Stay tuned for more updates

First post of 2012

2012-01-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

I'm starting a new year with new opportunities for success.

New Year Resolutions:
1)Really Grow my relationship with God
2)Love more everyday
3)Pass all my classes
4)Try to Attend all church events.

♥Esmim

On the brighter side.. I guess...

2011-12-20T11:42:00.001-06:00

So it's been like about a month since Xue and I broke up. It has been a very hard and awkward month because I'm still confused at his actions then and now. He says he misses me more than ever and wants me back but I've been thinking a lot about what he's done and what he's said. It all doesn't seem to add up to me. I think that we both should be apart for now because it's the best for the both of us. Yes we'll miss each other and want to be together like in the past but it hasn't helped us much. I feel like we've grown into this familiar cycle of life that we don't want to stray away from but we have to, especially to grow and mature as a person.

I've told him that we should take this time to learn and grow as an individual person and if we want to be together in the end, then so be it. Yes, that sounds corny but that's true right? I mean it's like Serendipity, if fate wants us to be together then let it be.