I embraced her for a moment and invited her to come with me as I tilted my ironing board into the backseat of the Yaris.  That was the last of my things to move out from my rented room.    The Wild Woman fled from me, skittish, suspicious and solitary.

I still kept hearing the doubts. Each precaution was loud, learned from experience. The Jaded Sisters started their singsong chants  ”Whatever you do, don’t trust all the way. It don’t matter what a man say.  Count your money at the end of the day, but don’t count what a man say.”  These were deep beliefs.  ”Thank you, Jaded Sisters.  I remember when I survived because of your wisdom.  I am grateful as I let you go.  There is immeasurable good that’s ready for me.  More than I could even imagine.”

Don’t avoid the void. There are dark landscapes in becoming and that’s part of the process. The difficulties become more accepted over time. I inoculated myself from difficulty in my teens so I’m immune now.

My lover wants nothing in return. That’s amazing. The awesomeness of lovingkindness is something I could get accustomed to.

Where will I buy my shea butter next?  I want fair trade and I want organic. You know, I wouldn’t mind enjoying a blend of shea and something else.  I don’t mind warming it up in my hands and what not, but I think I’d enjoy a smoother, blended formula.  I’m thinking jojoba?  More to follow………

I bought 15lb hex dumbbells at Sports Authority and began relentless rounds of dumbbell squats.  Then I read online that compound exercises were good, so I did a combination of a squat with lifting the weights over my head and raising up on my tip-toes for the grand finale.  Two sets of twenty of these, then for the final set just I can only do the bottom half.  The beauty part is I don’t have to make a date for the gym.  I don’t have to be anywhere, it doesn’t have to be a plan.  I can just stub my toe on a dumbbell and remember to squat.  I am understating slightly how many sets of squats I do.  I do them until I can’t in combination with pushups.  I have never had upper body strength, but with the baby-steps mapped out at http://hundredpushups.com/ I started doing them.  I started only being able to do one real pushup.  After a month I can do about 6 real pushups before resorting to knee-pushups.  I hope nobody else is this weak! Weakling that I am though, I did make progress and now there is support and shape to my upper half too.  Pushups also work your core, so it is a fantastic exercise.

After a month of being all about squats I checked my results.  Dang, who is that African-American-Amazon reflected in the shop window?  That’s right.  Do NOT try this at home unless you want a DISTINCT booty.  Since I hadn’t been running or counting calories all that mass just coagulated into a big, round, albeit strong and shapely bottom.  The jodhpurs are gone though.  Tally-ho!

My next plan of action is to run to burn off some extra K-cals,  but to tell you the truth, the strength training by itself yields great results.  I keep my skin hydrated and glowing with plenty of raw, organic shea butter and keep my diet rich in antioxidant rich superfoods like dark green leafy vegetables, carrots, yams, lean proteins and of course adequate water.

It annoyed me at first with it’s Judeo-Christian perspective, but it was refreshingly open and integrated Christianity with sexuality clearly and intelligently.  So I listened to it for a few loops.  It must have sunk in because today I was hit with what Rob Bell said…that each of us is intrinsically worth dying for because of who we are.  Rob Bell urges women to question the character of their prospective mates, “Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?” He reminds us that, “When a woman is loved well she opens up like a flower” and extols intimacy and unconditional love without being judgemental.

“Sex God” reveals the spirituality of Christian sexuality which I have always interpreted as being masked in male dominant themes.  Instead “Sex God” shows how the Bible teaches mutual submission.  If you can stand the Bible quotes and Jesus talk, this is a neat audiobook.