Look for my upcoming blog posts on things my vulva and anus do not need. 

Here's the dealio--your vagina and your eyes are the only 2 organs on your body that are self cleaning. That means that you need not use products that contain lord knows what in them in order for them to function properly. You don't need deodorant for your "vertical smile". I shit you not--that was an actual advertisement slogan. 

Vaginas have a delicate ph balance, and introducing certain products to them can lead to some serious ph unrest. Healthy vaginas have a ph between 4.0 to 4.5. I happen to think it's hilarious that beer has a near ph balance of 4.0. Incidentally, most wines have a ph in the mid to high 3 levels (3.5 to 3.8). 

Here is what my vagina doesn't need:

Vaginal mints:

Back in 2009 a company called Linger released these fucked up little mints. I wish I could say I was making this up. Alas, it was very true.

Here is what their website used to say:

(Linger is a) "internal feminine flavoring", "A small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused

Thankfully, the website seems to be no longer in existence! The sex educator in me hopes the company closed due to consumer outcry. For all the pomp and circumstance surrounding these mints, there is surprisingly little information about what happened to them. Their press release came and went, and there was a flurry of blog activity in 2009 about the Linger mints. Today, not so much. 

Toning sticks:

Secret Ceres seems to have the market cornered on this ridiculous product. Also, when I say "toning sticks" I'm not referring to vaginal barbells or kegel exercisers. I'm talking about a dildo shaped internal product that you wet before inserting into your vaginal canal. The basic idea is that it exfoliates your vaginal walls, leaving behind a tighter, more even, and ph balanced vaginal lining. You will know it's working because the vagina owner will feel a "noticeable burning sensation" that will eventually diminish with regular use. According to the website, the ingredients include pomegranate juice, punica seeds, and kaolin that are delivered to the vagina by way of it's drip stone (yep folks, think back to junior high school science class when you learned about stalagmites & stalagtites). How convenient! With one $100 product I can remedy my stinky, flabby vagina! Thanks, Secret Ceres.  

P.S. I read someone's blog about how horrible this product is. Apparently, the stick became stuck in her vaginal canal. The damn stick adhered to her vaginal lining. Lovely!

Tampons:

In the United States tampons are designated by the FDA as a "class II" medical device. I'm gonna bet that most of you didn't know that (neither did I). See, ya learn something new every day! Tampons are made from rayon, cotton, or a mixture of both and inserted into the vaginal canal where they expand and absorb menstrual blood. Think of them as a personal stopper--which makes total sense since the original and French meaning of "tampon" comes from the word "tampion" which basically means a piece of cloth used to stop a hole. Tampons are not biodegrade-able and can lead to something called Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS). If you have a vagina, then you probably already know about TSS, and that it is a unlikely side effect of wearing a tampon for too long. I know someone who almost died from TSS. She needed an emergency tracheotomy and was hospitalized for a long time. My personal story is that I don't care for them. They tend to make me very crampy.

While doing some research for this blog post, I was shocked and somewhat delighted to find a website that spoofs religious zealots. In it, they refer to tampons as "Satan's Little Cotton Fingers", and apparently are used soley by unsavable wanton harlots. Righteous women use maxi pads. According to the website

Toxic Shock Syndrome is God's way of punishing unsaved harlots who choose Satan’s cotton fingers over a Godly pad,

These playthings of Satan are created under the guise of a ladies hygiene product to bring unsuspecting women and young girls to the fold of the Devil.

Do Jesus, your vagina, and this sex educator a favor by using the diva cup instead. 

Vaginal douches:

Vaginal douches can be found in the section of the store where they usually put "feminine hygiene" products, lubricants, and pregnancy tests. Vaginal douches are nothing short of evil. They are meant to cleanse your vaginal lining, leaving you refreshed, confident, and ready to take on the world. Most women I know are aware of the old "vinegar and water" douche thanks to their moms (or their mom's mom). Douches come in a variety of scents like "Tropical Rain", "Island Splash", and "Sweet Romance". Beside disrupting the natural ph of the vagina, vaginal douches can be super problematic for those prone to yeast infections. Or worse. Douches can push whatever was making you smell funky (like some STI's) past the cervix and into the uterus leading to infection and inflamation. This is one of the reasons pregnant women are cautioned against vaginal douching. 

The bottom line is that vaginas smell like vaginas. Pretty simple stuff. Vaginas aren't meant to smell like vinegar or a tropical rain. If you happen to have a vagina, you are the best source of information when it comes to your vagina. If something smells "off" and it can't be remedied by a standard shower, then you should get yourself to a clinic or your ob/gyn. Vaginas can surely take a pounding but need a little TLC when it comes to maintenance. 

As people become more interested in me and my work, I've become acutely aware that my marriage is point of interest for many. For years I have known that people look at me with a quizzical expression upon hearing that I am married. Maybe I act too immature to be married. Maybe people have ideas that proper married women should not talk about sex and sexuality so openly. 

I've been with my husband for 20 years. Yes, that means that we met and fell in love in the fall of 1991 or our junior year in college (I had just turned 20 and he was *gasp* still 19). We moved in together after we graduated from the Claremont Colleges in 1993. We got engaged in the fall of 1994, and were married in the fall of 1995. For those of you who are bad at math, that means we have been married for over 16 years. 

Believe me when I say I'm not bringing this up to gloat about my own personal marriage success. Seriously, I'm not secretly saying in my head "I'm so great, nany nany boo boo." I've decided to blog about it because, in the past month, at least 4 different people have asked me how my marriage has been so successful. Granted, successful is one of those terms whose meaning can be very subjective, but it has definitely made me think about why and how I have been with my partner for 1/2 of my life. 

Here is what has worked for me. Some of the information might be useful, but some of it may not even remotely apply to your relationship. 

Pick the right partner: Good concept, don't you think? Granted, I have some impulse control problems (especially when it comes to jewelry, shoes, and hand bags), but I'm actually an incredibly practical person. Even though I was only 20 when I met my future husband, I had dated quite a bit, had multiple sexual partners (no, not at the same time), and had enough personal experience to know what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looked like. One of the main reasons I was confident I met the right "one" for me was because he was the only person I had ever dated where I couldn't foresee what circumstance would cause us to break up. Yes, I'm practical, but I am also a bit neurotic and tend to dissect and ruminate over people's behavior. Also, my husband was the most wonderfully consistent person I had ever met. Many people might not find this to be an attractive quality, but it was exactly what I needed in my life. 

Before we got married, we covered most of the basic "what do you think about" questions. It was important to me that he knew I was fairly certain I didn't want children. It was also
important to me that he understood where I grew up and how I was raised. Fortunately, he was familiar with the North Shore of Chicago, and Winnetka to be specific, because of his family. I'm the first to admit that I am a snob when it comes to many things, and a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. Iconic 80's movies like Home Alone (yes, that house really exists and it was not that far from mine), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Risky Business, She's Having a Baby, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club were all filmed in and around where I lived. Right or wrong, it was my reality. Having him visit me and my family made it easier for him to understand some of my personality quirks when it comes to living a certain lifestyle. I have no doubt he felt that I better live it up while I could because there was no way he would ever be able to support the lifestyle in which I had become accustomed to. Maybe I should just cut to the chase and admit that I am spoiled! There, is that better? 

Don't lose your identity: I've always been a fairly independent person. I'm not someone who stopped hanging out with my friends whenever I had a boyfriend. We saw each other for a few hours every day but mostly in the dining hall and after we were finished studying for the night. I graduated with a degree in sociology. He ended up with a PhD in electrical engineering, so it's not a huge surprise that I am more social than he is. He spends time with his friends during work lunches, and because I work alone and from home, I tend to see my friends after work hours. That means that he is often on his own when it comes to dinner.

He also knew that once we were wed I was not planning on taking his last name. My last name is fairly unique when it comes to the Japanese so it was important for me to keep it. Because I was teased and bullied over my name I kind of feel like I've earned it. My name--Toyooka is pronounced just like Toyota (but with a 'k'), so it was interesting being an adolescent when one of the biggest car companies slogan at that time was "oh what a feeling to drive....Toyota!"

Develop your own rituals: This can be a bit tricky to figure out if you are a child free couple. Spending holidays with your family can cause a lot of stress. Knowing this, my husband and I created a "family can suck it" Thanksgiving ritual. We begin by checking into our semi-local Ritz Carlton and then treat ourselves to the most luxurious and decadent Thanksgiving brunch in the history of the world. We usually spend 2 nights being pampered, ordering room service, taking lots of naps, and walking the beach. Granted, not everyone has the funds or desire for this type of pampering. Maybe camping or a quaint B&B is more your style. The fact remains that we always look forward to this time of year because of our mini-vacation. 

Rituals don't even need to cost you any money! We try to snuggle (I know, puke, right?) each night and talk about our day. Yes, we can get away with this particular ritual probably because we are child free. In a way, those few minutes of intimacy at the end of the day are the bread and butter of our relationship. 

Try to be spontaneous (if you usually are not): Since I'm a compulsive planner, I've always been the one in the relationship to plan all of our trips. Twice in the past year I've been pleasantly surprised that my husband took it upon himself to book us a quick one-nighter away from home. He would make the plans on Friday and on Saturday we were on our way. Sometimes you just need to get away and decompress. 

Remember why you chose them in the first place: Consider this an exercise in gratitude. After 20 years with someone, that intense passion and desire you feel at the beginning of courtship has a tendency to fade away. Recognizing this has been vital to my overall happiness. There are times when I simply have no desire to engage in sexual activity. I know this comes as a shock to most! During those sexual *lean* times, I try to be open with my husband about what is (or in most cases--what isn't) going on with my sexual state. During the times when we aren't sexually connecting, I continue to praise and appreciate my partner for who he is. Off the top of my head, the things I love most about my husband are: he is a freaking smartypants, he is lovingly patient with me and accepting of my personality quirks, he is incredibly good looking, he doesn't take himself or me too seriously, he makes me laugh every single day, and he always tells me he loves me--always.

We aren't a super-romantic couple by any means. What we are is thoughtful and generous. I also figured out years ago that my partner is infinitely smarter than I could ever be. I'm not knocking myself or saying I'm dumb. I just have a limited capacity to retain, understand, assimilate, and then call up information at a later date. Which is why I basically defer to him when it comes to big decisions. Yes, he is aware of this. No, he doesn't rub my nose in it. Yes, I can see the humor in someone so anal about things (me) willingly giving up control. Here's the deal: I figured that I would probably only be right about 20% of the time when it comes to disagreements so why not concede. 

Would you stay with your partner if you won the mega lotto? This is the real 30 million or 100 or 300 million dollar question. This is kind of similar to asking yourself the question "would I still marry this person if I had to do it all over again?" I'll be honest and tell you that I wasn't always so confident in my answer to this one. The fantasy of winning 100 million or more is pretty freaking intoxicating. We don't have children and we don't have a mortgage so, technically, I could take off with very little personal ramifications. I've since come to understand that the chances of me winning the lottery are about the same as me leaving my husband.

Dang, sorry for the long-ass post and for all the over-sharing! It's also the most intimate of my blog posts so I was pretty hesitant about posting it. 

Go ahead and google the term "sex coach", I can wait a minute. If you are too lazy to google it, click here (actually, click here anyway, it's a hoot!).

Here's the thing: about 50% of people who reach out to me are doing so because they are looking to become a sex coach. It makes sense to me, because my name and company show up 1st on the google rankings. However, the way in which the majority of those who contact me leave much to be desired. 

People who contact me about becoming a sex educator are relatively easy to get back with. Most of the times they are just looking for resources, and this is something I am happy to direct them to. 

The requests that kind of boggle my mind are people who are looking to start up their own sex coach practice using my business name. I'm not kidding about this. They are looking to add credibility and exposure to their emerging sex coach business. 

On one hand, I find it amusing that people are of the impression that I am doing so well that my business would include a franchise. On the other hand, I want to say, "seriously? what? oy!" 

Also, anyone who knows me that one of the fastest ways to shut me down is to bring up the conversations about religion, politics, and how they relate to sexuality. Here's a thought: If you want to use my name, check out my site and blog to get a feel for my philosophy. Telling me you are a great public speaker with a compelling story because of being born again and becoming a spiritual person isn't going to win me over or make me consider having a business franchise. 

I'm in the strange business of selling me. Catherine Coaches is Catherine Toyooka. This is not the same as Catherine Toyooka being Catherine Coaches. My business has been a culmination of all my work as a professional--not just the work I've done in the sexuality field. 

Let me explain.

I've spent years working with people in the criminal justice system (Private investigator, Public Defender Investigator, Halfway House Case Manager, Probation Officer). This means that I have gone through hundreds of hours of training. A lot of it is basic skills that can be used across a variety of employment fields. Trainings like those for active listening, interviewing skills, cognitive behavioral skills, etc. have been super useful to me in my current work. I know how to read a person really well and in a quick amount of time. I'm also really good at spotting those whose m.o. is bullshitting. When it comes to story telling, I've heard enough to know when someone is just plain lying. 

When I moved to California I found myself working in HR. My last job (before the dot com bubble burst) was as an executive recruiter for Korn/Ferry International in the emerging technology sector. It is basically a fancy ass word for saying I would head hunt for companies when they were looking to fill positions that fell in the category of VP and up. The general fees my company would charge were usually well more than $145, 000. This means that I am great at figuring out what recruiters look for in a resume, how to make small talk, and how to creatively write employment experience. 

From 2002 to 2008 I worked with HIV positive youth (under 27) in San Francisco. I was worked as a sex educator, but I'll be damned if all my prior work experience didn't come in handy! I was particularly pleased to see how, with my help, they were able to come up with a kick ass resume. When it comes to work history, one thing common to people newly diagnosed with HIV is a lack of work after their diagnosis. Being able to creatively (no, not lying) fill that gap in time is not an easy task. By the time I left the agency, I was responsible for almost all the aspect of the non profit except for budget stuff.

My company, Catherine Coaches, offers dating coaching, sex coaching, and sexuality education. All of my work experience has been a crucial part of Catherine Coaches. Knowing how to get a read on people is a skill needed for flirting and dating. Crafting online dating profiles is very similar to putting together a great resume. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Catherine Coaches is not just a random brand. Catherine Coaches is me. 

Asking to use my name as a franchise opportunity, to me, kind of de-values everything that makes it Catherine Coaches. There aren't many ways one can short-cut success. My business is not a fast food restaurant. 

I was recently contacted by a "fact checker" at one of the most well known magazines in the country. I was surprised for three reasons--1) I've usually only been approached by on-line magazines, 2) the fact finding questions were collectively a hot mess, 3) the magazine said they have their own on-staff sex expert so asking for fact checking was just, well, weird.

Since I'm pretty sure my name will not be associated with the story, I'm going to let you in on the type of questions I got. Side note--fact checkers are most likely NOT going to give you credit for the information you provide or a lovely link back to your website.

These are the exact questions (remember, they have an in-house sex expert):

1. What physiological effect does a cock ring have on male genitalia & what does that impact look like?
2. What generic exercises (not Kiegel) (spelling) could benefit a couple's sex life & would core workouts work well?
3. Do women generally prefer high or low voices re: dirty talk? (This is admittedly very subjective but given your experience, have you noticed a preference?)
4. How does a prostate massager work? Would it be accurate to say that it would make the male member larger during use?

My answers:

1. Cock rings are really fun and meant to temporarily inhibit the flow of blood out of the penis. This is a great choice for men who are dealing with erectile dysfuction or who are older in age. Blood flow in general decreases as we age. For new cock ringers, I suggest using a ring that is adjustable and quickly removed and then only using it for about 20 minutes. Cock rings don't make your cock bigger, they are meant to temporarily provide harder erections. Some men like using them in front of their testicles and some prefer to place the ring behind the testicles. It is really up to the user. Using lube is great when putting on a cock rings because it decreases the chance that your skin will chafe.
2. Hmm, hard question for me to answer as I'm not a personal trainer and horribly out of shape. 
3. Women tend to talk dirty when engaging in sexual activity more than men. Women, and this is especially true during the time in their cycle that they ovulate, are more drawn to men with lower voices. It depends on each person individually, but I suspect many women prefer a deeper voice (this is partictularly true from an evolution stand point) over a man with a high voice. 
4. Prostate massagers, most of the time, are used internally. They are a very specific sub group of sex toys that are usually found in the butt plug or anal toy section of sex toy stores and websites. Prostate massagers are curved in a way to maximize stimulation of the prostate. In fact, some men can ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone--meaning the penis need not be stimulated, stroked, or caressed. Prostate stimulation is great for your health and men who engage in more prostate play are less prone to prostate cancer. It is common for the blood flow into the penis to be temporarily diverted to the anus. This is when it's common for a man to lose his erection. When the person realizes what is happening and that something is in their butt, the blood flow usually returns to the penis. I've not heard of prostate massagers making the penis harder--if that were the case, a lot more men would participate in prostatic sexual play. 

Because I have such affection for stand up comedy, I'm posting some personal photos I've been lucky enough to snag! Their names in order are Guy Branum, John Caparulo, and Chris Hardwick.

It may not seem like the 2 are remotely similar, but allow me to explain. 

Before I get into it, remember that this is merely my personal experience and general impression of the sex educator community. My involvement in the community is far from normal, and I am not intending to speak for anyone else. 

My experience as a sex educator and speaker has many parallels to stand up comics because much of our success is dependent upon our audience.

One of my most frequent workshops is called "The Physiology of Sexual Pleasure & Sex Toys (aka Oh Yeah! Right There!" 

Even though all of my workshops are custom tailored to what the organizer requests, I tend to utilize a lot of the same material. For this particular workshop I talk pretty extensively about pleasure anatomy and how sex toys can be used to enhance solo or partnered sex.

It is not uncommon for me to present this particular workshop on any given Tuesday and basically nail it. The audience is highly engaged, acts appropriately, and many participants hang around after my presentation to talk with me. I can give almost the exact same workshop (and many times for the same organization) a few days later and personally feel like I sucked as a sex educator. Keep in mind that I am talking about the exact same concepts, bring the exact same sex toys, and structure my presentation the exact same way as the one a few days prior. What makes me feel like a failure or that I bombed that workshop is a total lack of audience participation, participants shouting out really inappropriate things while I'm presenting, and basically asking me questions about my personal sexual life that fall into the "douche bag" category. Examples of this would be: "You much have a huge vagina don't you?!" or "Man, you really like to talk about sex, you must be pretty slutty."

I've been presenting sexuality workshops for almost 10 years. This sort of thing doesn't happen all that often...seriously, thank god for that...but when it does, it has made me question and basically ruminate over what I did wrong. 

Here is what I have come to understand about being a sexuality speaker:

• You are NEVER going to make every single participant and organizer happy. The most I can attempt is getting the majority of the audience on board. Most of the time I tend to have more than a few very active and participatory audience members who are absolutely interested in what I have to say. 
• I have to surrender to the reality that not all my workshops are going to be home runs. I might be feeling under the weather, I might have forgotten particular sex toys or part of my agenda at home, the room might be less than optimal, some participants may fall asleep, etc. 
• My goal is that participants either remember or learn only 1 new thing after attending my presentation. While I would love to have participants remember a whole lot more, I know that I tend to provide A LOT of information in a short amount of time. If they only remember one of my sayings like "the anus is a hungry orifice (think of the game hungry hungry hippo)", "orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing", "lube is your friend", "women and men have the same amount of erectile tissue", or "if you stick something up your butt that doesn't have a base or a flange, and it passes the point of no return, no amount of wishing, praying, or straining is going to make it come back down--this is time for a visit to the ER"
• I don't need to re-work my entire presentation if one workshop happens to fall flat. My content is solid, good, and accurate. I've either mis-judged the audience, spoke to an audience that was expecting something different, or simply presented in front of an audience that is non participatory. 

It's also my experience that the sex educator (much like the stand up comic) community is difficult to navigate.

Here are some of my observations:

• Like certain comics, certain sex educators appeal to a specific demographic
• Like comics, some sex educators are worried that others will use (which is really just a euphemism for steal) their content
• Like comics, some sex educators are jealous or envious of what others have going on
• Like comics, some sex educators question why certain people who are new to the scene have found success without necessarily "paying their dues"
• Like comics, some sex educators travel very far and often on their own dime to get work 
• Like comics, many sex educators get paid a ridiculously low salary
• Like some comics, some sex educators are great in front of a crowd, but are actually very shy and find it more difficult to connect with people on a one on one basis

Again, what I have written above is directly related to my experiences. I do not wish to speak for anyone else. It is completely possible that someone reading this will think I'm full of shit because they have had a much different experience. 

My final parallel between comics and sex educators is this: We are both doing work because we wish to bring more laughter, pleasure, and fun into peoples lives. 

I'm thrilled that I can use my blog to help educate and entertain people about subjects that are typically thought of as taboo. 

Here are a few more things about sex that no one ever tells you. 

• Masturbation is healthy and good for you! I was an early masturbator. I learned that it is a private thing and not something that I should do in the family room (what can I say, I liked rubbing myself on our couch). I don't remember ever being told it was bad or unhealthy. Masturbation is fabulous for lots and lots of reasons. As a sex educator, I think it is so important for people to be able to bring themselves to orgasm. Masturbation puts you directly in touch with your own sexual response cycle. This can be a scary thing to those who have grown up with the belief that masturbation is dirty. My personal thought is that female masturbation is talked about less because our genitals are mostly hidden. This can give someone the feeling (whether it is directly said or implied) that female genitals are dirty, gross, or any number of equally disparaging descriptors. 
• Masturbation can result in deeper, more robust orgasms than having partnered penetration! The majority of my orgasms while masturbating are pretty freaking amaze balls. There are times, of course, that partnered sex can result in fabulous orgasms. The fact that I know my body (and the way it responds to sexual stimulation) so well is a huge factor. Simply put, no one can make me orgasm the way I can, and that it totally ok. 

If you want to see a hilarious bit about masturbation vs. partnered sex, check out this video from a Wanda Sykes stand up bit. For those of you who lack patience, skip ahead to the 2:40 mark. 

• Genitals come in all shapes and sizes! This is huge! Genital shame  is not only very real, it is one of my most favorite topics. Classic medical text book drawings and most of the mainstream pornography shows genitals in a very specific way. Labia are small, pretty, proportionate, and pink. It's great if you have this type of labia, but it really sucks if you don't. Factors like your ethnicity and having had a vaginal birth can affect the way your labia look. As someone who is half asian, my labia are different from the "norm" because of my skin pigmentation. I also have larger labia than the "norm". At one point, I even asked my ob/gyn about labiaplasty and the reply I got was less than encouraging. This is what he told me (I now see a fabulous female doctor) "well, they're larger than normal but definitely not the largest I've seen." Now my philosophy is that, unless your lips are so large that they get in the way of zipping up your pants, labiaplasty is a huge waste of money. The scar tissue as a result of surgery can also de-sensitize your labia, and that is something many physicians don't tell you about either. When it comes to male genitals, there are a few different types that are considered the "norm". Medical drawings show flaccid penises that (in my humble opinion) are pretty long and most porn movies show hard penises that are pretty darn big. Ethnicity can make a big difference when it comes to the color of your penis. Many ethnic men have penises that are significantly darker than the color of their skin. 
• Porn is not sex education! Now let me be clear, there are some really good sex education videos out there. What makes them different from random pornography is that they are specifically labeled as sex education. People on the screen may very well be porking each other, but there is usually some sort of introduction to the activity or even voice overs telling you what the people are doing. It is disturbing to me as a sex educator that people look to porn as education. Porn is made to be as visually stimulating as possible. Pornography is not reality and the performers are sexual athletes. 
  
• The majority of women can not reach orgasm via intercourse! Estimates are that between 20% and 30% of women have the ability to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. Even so, orgasms are never a guarantee. In case you missed it, that is a pretty significant number of women! This can result in some pretty frustrated women (and their partners). Thankfully, many women find that using a well placed clitoral vibrator can get them over the non-orgasmic hump. 
• Sexuality is fluid! This may be a shocker to some. I'm the first to admit that I have experienced some strong sapphic lust. As someone who is 40, I can see that I probably had some of those feelings years ago, but was never comfortable enough to articulate them (much less act on them). Just like our preference for food can change as we age, our preference for what type of sexual behavior can change. 
• Sexual behavior/activity is not the same as sexual identity/preference! I get the "am I gay?" question A LOT. Many heterosexual folks get really confused if they happen to enjoy a sexual activity that is deemed "gay". A dude who enjoys getting "pegged" or anally penetrated with a strap on dildo isn't always and necessarily gay. Sexual behavior does not always correlate with sexual identity. Yes, there are definitely men out there who love getting pegged and self identify as gay. Think about this: enjoying Chinese food doesn't necessarily make you Chinese any more than wearing make-up makes you a female. 
• Everyone has body image issues! Repeat after me "no one thinks about you more than yourself." Most of the time we are so consumed by our own body image issues that we have little time to dissect and judge whomever we are sleeping with. As a dating and sex coach I know that men are super afraid of rejection. They also tend to spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about their penis size and if they are able to satisfy their lover.  
• The vast majority of people who have an STI don't know it! Most research estimates that between 70% and 90% of people who have an STI are not aware of it. If left untreated, many STI's can cause major fertility and other health complications. At the very least I recommend getting a complete HIV/STI screening on an annual basis. People who engage in barrier free sexual activity or have several partners (and don't know the status of their partners) should be tested every 3 to 4 months. 

I know that I am probably only touching the surface of what people almost never tell you about sex. Feel free to leave your personal comments below (hint, hint).