see the beauty all around

August 2010 Upload

2012-02-11T14:04:00.001-08:00

Wow, I’ve really been able to move fast through my backlog of older pictures. Maybe I’m getting less picky with how they look. Maybe that is an OK thing… As always, you can check out the whole stream here

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

And here are my faves:

Going to Camp, he loves it!

Doing what he does best, running & having fun!

Why are boys so lucky when it comes to needing to use the bathroom while traveling?

Picking out new Nintendo DS

Where I used to work

My old dorm at University of Indianapolis

Fort Wayne Firefighter’s Museum

He loved the Flatop Grill, the other one, not so much

Getting ready for first day of school

My brother – wondering if this place is going to be OK – “are you sure?!?”

His lovely wife

These 2 need no explinations!

Camping in the backyard because we didn’t really get a chance to do much that summer

S’mores are still good no matter where you are

See the full gallery on Posterous

July 2010 Flickr Upload

2012-02-04T06:04:00.001-08:00

You can see the full stream here…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

My faves…

My poor porch flag….time to retire it…

I don’t like spiders, but the web was cool…

Playing cornhole at Steve Kaduk’s July 4^th party. He really knew how to throw one, great fireworks too! It was a blast!

I like ‘em sweet, the other likes ‘em spicy!

Aunt Michelle, why do you take so many pictures?

Midway rides, the slide was fun!

Gotta have an elephant ear….

VBS Zoo trip

He’s very afraid normally of strange animals so I was really surprised he did this. I think the goat just wanted to eat his shirt or what was in his snack bag

The beginning of a very long friendship with Snakey…

Not my granpa’s tractor, but one just like it. My cousin’s son’s first birthday party.

Have a drink on me...

2012-01-29T18:24:00.001-08:00

This week actually went by pretty fast. I was surprised. Wednesday we got a freak snowstorm (yea, I know, it’s January, shouldn’t use the word freak, exactly!) and EE met me over at Whiskey Creek for supper while the boys were with their dad. Is that not so incredibly sweet that he will drive 45 minutes just to see me for an hour & a half & then drive back another 45 minutes before going to work? He is amazing! And I saw him Monday & Tuesday too. So it was hard to wait all the way until Friday night. We met at The Mill, in Marion. No trouble finding it this time! Sheesh, we still laugh at that, it was so funny him trying to guide me in via phone & me having no idea where I was. Just kept driving around the YMCA a lot. “Hey, kids, there’s Big Ben!”. If you don’t get the reference, google European Vacation. We had the appetizer sampler for dinner, and listened to someone playing piano. He would not have been my first choice to listen to. I know it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of people to sing & play, but still… and he said over dinner that he loved me. Maybe it’s starting to happen just a little bit more frequently. As we both get used to it. That can’t be a bad thing. Then we went back home, both got in his car, and headed down to Charley Creek so we could listen to Sam play. That was so much better. And Jill was there and we got to talk & catch up. It was so much fun & I had so too much to drink! We got home & I just did not feel well. He had to help me to bed & stuff. I think I slept in the exact same spot for 5 hours. Then got up, went to the bathroom & took some ibuprofen. Then slept some more. Don’t worry, when we got up, I made sure he was taken care of since the night before was a total no-show! He made me breakfast – a wonderful omelet & coffee. I had a hair appointment at noon, so I took off for that & got my hair all done up nice. Took a nap when I got back, as he was napping too. Then got up to check out movies & places to eat. We ended up choosing Haywire in Huntington, weird, but good. It needed more dialog. Not sure if they thought she wouldn’t be able to remember her lines, or what. Then we went up to Fort Wayne to eat at Naked Tchopstix and it was really yummy! We got the spicy tuna makki rolls to share, then we each got a bento box. It was way too much food. I will have lunch forever now! We stayed at my house (that is getting cooler every time) and then I went to church. And I only had 1 beer that night, so I was able to participate in the adult activities, I really don’t like missing out on those! My furnace has been acting up again, so he came by after I went to the grocery to see if he could figure out what was going on. No dice. I made a corn chowder, he forgot the steaks, so since it was now 57 in my house, we decided to go over to his. He grilled, I finished the soup, made a salad & we ate big. It was super yummy. He grills some of the best steaks ever. Then we had a little bit more fun. Hopefully he feels well taken care of this weekend, I know I do. I can’t believe sometimes how wonderfully he treats me. We were just lying there together, kind of dozing before I had to go pick up the boys. And it is indescribable the feeling of both his arms around me, holding me close, feeling his chest hairs tickle me, and the scratchiness of his beard under my hand, the smooth skin of his neck & shoulders. At that moment, I feel so completely loved, overjoyed, blessed. I never want it to end. There is nothing that compares to this. I want to feel it (and him) every day. And I usually do feel it around him. I don’t think I ever have not. And no, it still didn’t happen this weekend. I know I should stop thinking about it and wondering when it’s going to. I know it will not ever. At least I don’t think so. But he is thinking of buying a new bike, one with a saddle on it that would be comfy for me too. So we can do longer rides together. And it looks like George Baker is going to pan out. And we’re going to be doing a show up in Traverse City in June. And he said he loved me, so I guess that at least means he won’t be going anywhere soon, right?

So now I’m trying to get ready for the week ahead. I need to take my CWTS practice test at least once so I can get the real test done & out of the way. I need to somehow fix the bathtub caulk. Thursday did not go so well. I told him I was this close (hair-width) from just replacing the whole unit with something that does NOT need to be caulked, and then if I did that, I should get a real vanity top so I have a place to put my makeup & blow dryer & curling iron on. Right now it is just a sink & stuff falls off & it’s annoying. And it is the master (well only!) bath so you think they would have thought this through a bit better. And I need to file my nails because typing is hard.

And I’m tired, so I’m gonna go to bed…

June 2010 Flickr Upload

2012-01-22T06:18:00.001-08:00

OK, so June I had a lot of faves! As always, you can cut to the chase & see the whole upload here…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

I had a training conference to go to, so Bob met me at the airport so I could see the boys & have supper.

Love this face! He loved the food, this is what he was eating…

Gotta love Maki rolls. 006 does not…

View from the hotel in Dallas. It was beautiful!

Goofy faces from 006. Love him so much!

Yum Yum! So serious…

You gotta have it all over your face or you are simply not enjoying it, right?

Don’t know if you can read it, but it says “GROSS!” Love the little notes they leave me…

They sell these at The Works Ice Cream shoppe. I think the face says it all…

Love the fact that my nephew has such a great relationship with both my boys. He is a wonderful young man. Very caring, sensitive, and smart. I am proud to be his aunt.

Catching Up

2012-01-22T06:11:00.001-08:00

Well, life certainly has a way of just keeping on rolling down the line. After New Year’s, we were invited up to Muskegon for a Hooligan’s party. It was just so much fun. And their house is simply amazing. Two of the most warm & generous people I have ever met. I got off work early on Friday, and Grampa was going to keep them for Friday night for me, as we’d be returning sometime on Saturday. 010 packed too much stuff, so it wouldn’t all fit in his school bag (course the lunch box could have had something to do with that) so we had to use his go-bag, which he can’t take to school. So I left work an hour late, and then we had to go over to dad’s to drop off the bag (008’s stuff believe it or not all fit!). We had lunch at Mr. Weenie’s in Peru, and then I took a bit of a nap. I woke up just as we were hitting MI and we filled up & switched out drivers so he could take a bit of a nap too. The whole gang ended up being there, and it is just so much fun to be around them, they have always been so welcoming to me. I’ve been asked several times if I’m going to be going down to Bakers this year again, so I’ll have to figure that out. They all seem to want me to go. I would love to go. It is the time of my life. And I’m still trying to figure out why I’m the only girl they ask to go.

On the way back home, we stop at the New Holland Brewery, in Holland, and had some super-yummy pizza & beer. I think it was called Sunset Dog. On the way back, we talk, and listen to music. I take over driving for a bit so he can nap. I love to watch him sleep. It’s hard to keep my eyes on the road. Sometimes when we’ve been at Charley Creek, or The Mill (when they’ve had live music), we’ll both start singing along. And it’s a very powerful feeling to do this, for some reason, to sing together. It is incredibly sexy. And I love the sound of his voice. And I pretend he’s singing to me. I know, I am such a girl.

Last weekend, we went up to BC and attempted to do some work on the woodpile. That didn’t happen. But we did get the garage cleaned out. And hung out with his boys. Went to see Contraband with them. Is it bad I showed up drunk?

This weekend, has been just hanging out at the house. 008 had a play date yesterday, and I think he had fun. Ben & I went shopping & did some chores. Maybe next time I should do something special with just him. Today, I think we are going to go see Munkwrecked. I’ve not seen the other two, so I hope I can keep up. And I’m worship leader & not looked over my stuff yet. Oops…

May 2010 Flickr Upload

2012-01-05T14:24:00.001-08:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Here are my faves:

Hillbilly iPod dock… I thought it was clever…

Don’t have many pictures of the male parental unit, so this one was cool….

Cassie & I found this turtle going across the road.

Ft. Wayne Tin Caps game, the light was so incredible, and they had so much fun!

He was in heaven!

One of my favorite places to go. So glad the Honeywell Foundation took it over too.

Our House

2012-01-03T18:29:00.001-08:00

Well, maybe sometimes I wish it were in the middle of our street (so it would get hit by a very large farming implement!)…. Spent my afternoon after work caulking more cracks I keep finding that are very un-nicely letting the cold air in. Brrrr, it is cold out there! One of these days my heating bill might drop $1 a month…sigh…

Watch the Santa Clause 3 tonight with the sprouts. It was so cute, I love Tim Allen. Really makes you think that no matter how crummy you think things are, it can always be worse. So I am thankful I have a drafty house, because it is better than not having any house at all. And there are warm spots. And I do have a very snuggly new blanket that I love because it is so soft & furry!

And I’m thankful that the boys had all their chores done by the time I got home from work (I usually come home for lunch, so I left them a note). And there was no fussing & complaining. And they asked for another one tomorrow. Am I delirious? Some sort of twisted dream? How long do you think it can go on???

New Year - 2012

2012-01-02T18:43:00.001-08:00

Wow, can it really be already? Hard to believe! Christmas was a total blast! I got off ½ day Friday & so we were able to get an earlier start up to Battle Creek. Stopped off at Gander Mountain in Coldwater because he still didn’t have much in the way of Christmas or Birthday for #2 son. We were finally able to get something good for Christmas & he was going to take him over to Kalamazoo to get new sights picked out, put on & tested. They had a bunch of fun doing that, but that is getting ahead of myself. We went to Oye Amigos with S & D for dinner, then just sort of crashed back at the house. Saturday morning, C came over, he & S cooked breakfast (I donated my yearly Kringle, they are sooo tasty!) and then we opened presents. They even got me something, I thought that was so sweet. They really liked the collage frames I did for them. S got a new iPhone & she was totally in love with it. Luckily C & D could help her get it all set up. For supper, we went out to his Gramma’s on the lake & tons more present opening. And he told me twice that morning that he loved me. Once just a straight out “I love you” and once a “that is just one of the many things that I love about you” statement. Met more of the family. And got to know more of the family jokes. Like gramma never opens or uses any of the presents given to her, so EE decides to bust out the hand lotion (wow, it smelled very girly!) and we joked that she’s had it for 10 years. And what did I end up getting from her, but a bath set! D joked “better be careful, if that’s not used in 10 years Dad’ll get into it”. Wow, do they think we’ll still be together then? That would be totally cool. It was such a whirlwind night because we left there, and then joined up with the Hibiske’s and gang for another celebration. It was nice to finally meet Tom after hearing so much about him. Another pilot from CAP was there, Mike. His wife Bonnie was so super sweet & made me feel very welcome. Apparently word has gotten out about me… Ken & Theresa were there too, and it was a lot of fun to see them again. It was so late by the time we got back to the house, everyone was exhausted. Luckily D & S were with us, so D drove us all home. Sunday we really just hung around the house, tried to catch up on laundry. The kids went over to see their mom & we eventually made it over to see his again. She fed us a nice leftover supper before we headed back Indiana way.
We spent the night at my house again, and I left to go get the boys, he went back home for a bit, then caught back up with us to open presents. It was amazing to have someone there again to share that with. He went back to BC after a rousing game of Monopoly. It is so hard when I get to be with him for so much time, and then he’s just gone again. I know it would be the same way if we lived under the same roof as I would still want him to go home & visit with his kids. I just miss him, is all. He was able to help his mom clean out the kitchen a bit, and he had D work on the basement. And they went to K-Zoo. And then he was back Friday night & I got to see him again. He stayed for a bit, then left to go home. Saturday, Dad came over early to get the boys & take them swimming so I could actually just go to the hair salon & not have to hear any grumbling. I had a fantastic updo done at Willow Salon by Jen. Got the car washed & fueled up, then came back for a quick nap. Woke up about 5 so I could start getting ready, he would be over at 6:30 so we could be at Charley Creek by 7.
I was mostly ready, except my earring. I had to have my ear re-pierced and I thought I could slip out the stud & put in a nicer one and it worked until I dropped the nice one, and then I couldn’t get it to go back in. And he had to shove it through. It hurt. I could not believe how incredibly sexy he was in his tux. Wow, I almost didn’t want to leave the house. But we made it there in plenty of time, Jill wasn’t there yet so we got a glass of wine & waited & talked. We shared a wonderful meal together, the 3 of us. I guess it was sort of reversed, last year I was without an escort & she shared Tom. So I shared EE. We went downstairs after supper & danced a bit (and he told me he loved me!), then back up to the Green Hat for Sam & a couple more drinks. Just an absolutely amazing time. Bumped into one of my bosses, who raved about me so much it was embarrassing – and sweet. Also bumped into one of my senior English teachers. She hasn’t aged a day. Found out the trees on my driveway are from her farm. Totally cool. I love connections like that.
We made it home safe, and had more fun when we got home, if you know what I mean. And it was so amazing to sleep next to him again. I miss seeing him next to me when he’s not here or I’m not there. And more in the AM. And when I got up, I just really didn’t feel well. He sat on the couch and drank coffee while I dozed. Then he fixed my bathroom drain. Again. I hate the fact that he’s always having to fix stuff. And then I got up and felt so much better. And we sat & talked until the boys came home. He stayed and ate supper with us. And I loved every minute of it.
And today, the boys had to go to school, but I didn’t have to go to work. It was an awful lot like playing hookie & I loved it! I worked on getting Christmas letter written, getting some memorabilia sorted, pictures printed out & hung up, etc. And then he took me to lunch & we went shopping at Walmart together. That was fun. When we got back home, we had enough time to have more fun before the boys got home. He left shortly after, they were on shutdown last week, so tonight will be interesting for him as they bring all the machines back online. Some of them take close to 8 hours to get warm enough to run. So he had to go in 3 hours early. Bummer.
A couple weeks ago, when I was over helping him wrap presents for his kids (that was weird for me to write out the tags & put Dad on them) I told him how it troubled me that we don’t say “I love you” very much because I want that to be the last thing he hears from me, should something happen. And I told him I was just always so scared to say it because I didn’t know if he would say it back & I couldn’t handle the rejection. He just laughed & said he was thinking the same things. Then he said “I love you very much”. And yes, I’ve told him back each time. So we still don’t say it every day, at least the words, but we do say it other ways. Like in the way he took care of me yesterday, and the way he does little things for me, he’s so very supportive of me & always gives me such generous, heart-felt compliments. And I try to say it back in similar ways. But I really just like saying it.

Here is one of all 3 of us in the Wine Shoppe.

And here is just the 2 of us in the Green Hat. It is not the best photo – quality-wise, but it is my absolute favorite. Absolutely, most definitely all-time favorite. I love that we are laughing. I love that he has his hand on my hip & mine on his chest. I had no idea she took it, it is just an amazing candid, a once in a year shot. We both look so very happy. I have found my happy. That is part of my happy.

April 2010 Flickr Upload

2011-12-28T03:26:00.001-08:00

You can see it here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

It was small this time, not really many favorites so I’m not going to share any here. Been busy with Christmas celebrations, work & house stuff. We have big plans this weekend, so I’m really looking forward to that. More to come on Christmas & New Years later….

March 2010 Flickr Upload

2011-12-04T13:27:00.001-08:00

For the full feed: http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/...

I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve actually posted anything. Work is crazy busy, and now we’ve got the added challenge of continuing education. I’m just not sure I have the rat race in me anymore. But I try to keep plugging along. Blankie left, and I miss him. He was so fun to talk with. I love talking with people who come from different ways of life, I think there is so much we can learn from them, if we just listen.

Thanksgiving this year was a bit of a whirlwind. I forgot what kind of scheduling challenges one faces when another family is involved. Of course, I should say I felt like I about had to invite myself, by basically saying the week before “you know, if you want me to go, you gotta let me know” kind of thing. I was a bit hurt because he hadn’t really said anything, but had talked about the fact that he was going several times. I just kept waiting for him to say something. In fact, if I remember right, I invited him to dad’s before he made any mention of us going with him. So we went EE’s mom’s for the Thursday meal, so we actually went up Wednesday night & stayed in a hotel. We all rode together. I think that was cool. So many times lately, it has been us driving separately, for whatever reason. It still surprises me that we find enough to talk about to fill the time. And there are silent moments, and that is OK with both of us, he knows I like to just stare out the window and let my thoughts wander. The boys loved the hotel, with the pool & hottub. And he stayed with us, which I really enjoyed, he certainly didn’t have to, he could have stayed at home with D&S. Thursday AM the boys & I just hung out in the room and he ran all over BC to help his mom get stuff ready. We were all more than hungry by the time we got there. She had so much food! His 3 kids were there, his brother with his 3 were there, the 4 of us, and his mom, so 11 people packed into her little house. The house she’s had since he was in 10^th grade. Wow. They have their differences, but she tries hard. We stay there until about 4 and then leave to go back to the room. Decide to lay down for a nap. We wanted Chinese but all the places were closed. He finally found a steak & shake & asked me what I wanted so I texted him “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” as a joke & then sent him our real order. that will teach me! He was able to get 2 of them changed. I ate my cheeseburger & I LIKED it! Lol (think SNL here…) ended up watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and 008 fell asleep in between us. I think he’s feeling some jealousy issues. He’s still a bit sore over the whole “rivergate” incident.

Friday we drive back to Wabash to go to my Dad’s. Got to see my grandparents, Dan & his family of 3, Dennis & his girlfriend, so 12 of us. He had our traditional ham, Irene had had turkey so it was a nice treat to get both. Oh, and they also do a prime rib which was super tasty! Again, lots of food, and none of us was really hungry yet but what are ya going to do! We left there again around 4 so that we could get the boys down to Anderson to meet the X. Just figured that was easier than Kokomo and a nice change of scenery. And it was wonderful to not have to do it by myself for once! We get the boys transferred over, and then decide to go to Charley Creek for some drinks and we thought The Michaels were playing. We get there & it’s the Dixie MudBugs but that’s OK too. We can’t really decide what to eat. We’re both sipping some new wines we found over at the wine shop. We end up getting some pita bread with tseseke sauce and it is yummy! We drink too much, and he decides to stay at my house that night. Wow, that was different, we’ve not done that, ever. I have to admit it was really weird. I’m more comfortable staying at his house than I was with him staying at mine. I don’t know, I think just because we’ve never done it before. He’s been here a lot, usually though just in the evenings. I think because here all my stuff calls my name & I see how cluttered & messy my house is compared to his & it’s just embarrassing.

We ended up hanging up more plastic wrap on the windows, got my drapery rods & drapes hung upstairs & down in the living room. Lots of work done, and house at least feels less chilly, which is good, just waiting to see the bill. I am happy to report we have already set up plans to go to each other’s family for Christmas. And have made plans for a trip up north in January. We are very reserved in using the L word. It’s come out a few times. But it drives me crazy cause I want to say it all the time, but I don’t know how he’ll react and I certainly don’t want to drive him away with being too whatever.

Friday he came over for movie night with the boys, and we had fun talking. And yes, more. I always enjoy the more part… it was really late when he left, but I don’t care, he’s worth every lost wink. Saturday AM he went over with us to Peru for the Y’s benefit breakfast, and that was really fun. Dad took the boys home so they could help clear off the trees that had to be cut down that got tangled in the power lines. Apparently they ended up in the road & the company didn’t move them. He stayed and talked until my hair appointment, then went home to sleep a bit. I went to Squirrel Creek to get some odds & ends after, and then Kroger before picking up the boys. Then it was back home to get Christmas decorations out of the shed & finish up the pot roast for supper. He came over then again to have supper with us and watch the other movie for the boys. After, we sat on the couch talking & kissing. We had a candle lit and it was just so relaxing, sharing wine. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and just whispered in his ear that I loved him. He just hugged me tight, and said “oh sweetheart, I love you too” and that made me feel all warm & gushy inside. I wanna do that all the time!

Why is he so different, why does everything just feel so not the same with him? I don’t feel desperate to be with him, as I have with others in the past, like oh my gosh he’ll forget about me or not want to be with me, if I’m not there right now kind of thing, I’ve never felt that with him. I do yearn to be with him, do things with him, share experiences with him though. I don’t feel like I have to hide anything from him, I know he loves me, the real me. That’s who he gets every single time we are together. Not a false me that so many people got before him. I just feel free, mostly. Content, peaceful. Like I know I’m finally with the person I’m supposed to be with. I just wonder, does he feel that way too? At this point, I don’t think we’re going to break up, but I don’t know that he’ll ever be in a place where he would want it to move to the next level either. He’s said it would take something pretty major to make him change his living arrangements at this point (I’m paraphrasing, but we were basically talking about X-es and living with other people and how he’s been single for so long & what he likes about it, etc.) so I don’t think I’m ever going to be that. And I really am not interested in just living with someone. I want commitment, promise, stability, certainty. I want knowing you love me, that no one else even comes close, and that you’d never in a million years want to do anything to ever lose that. Ever. I want to know I’m going to be with the same person for the rest of my life because I want to & because they want to. That I’m going to develop a history, a story, a life, with someone and not just a chapter. I want someone who wants those things too.

OK, so here are the pix, I’ve made you wait long enough….

My faves are:

Circle City Mall has an Auntie Anne’s so we stopped for a snack after their visit to Riley. My favorite place to eat!

Licking cinnamon sugar off of his face….

Porch art. Has something to do with Bowser from Mario Bros.

Playing the game they had made up….

Casssie’s birthday, my sweet girlfriend (in the middle) with 2 of her friends.

Yea, I found him sleeping under his bed.

Eye doctor, goofy glasses, cute 007!

This is when he found out he needed glasses!

Birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, what could be better?

February 2010 Flickr Upload

2011-11-13T07:09:00.001-08:00

It’s a small one today, but here it is…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

How you go sledding in farm territory!

My girlfriend & I at the movies

Sketch I did for the bulletin board at church

January 2010 Flickr Upload

2011-10-30T06:23:00.001-07:00

OK, so lots of favorites this time, so this post might be a bit long… as always you can go here to see the full stream http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ or if you just don’t want to read it here…

Homemade pizza dough…. YUMMY!

Opening presents, always love that enthusiasm!!!

Always a blessing to have a strong brother…

And of course, it should be quid pro quo…

All the family together…. I think I was smiling on the inside….

More gift opening….

My favorite Fast Food place….

Yummy breakfast goodness!

Had to have a sleep test done, he was not pleased!

My desk at work, yup, 4 monitors, I get to look at a lot of stuff all at the same time!

My favorite sushi bar… OK, there are not many choices, but they wrap a mean maki roll here...

Please don’t forget your local food pantries…they may not be assisted by the government and they need your help now more than ever.

My other love, singing… I miss Melissa!

December 2009 Flickr Upload

2011-10-15T09:45:00.001-07:00

Click here for the full upload, it was not a big one, as we had our holiday in January that year…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Yummy Chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips… I know, I’m weird. They were also made from whole wheat flour. YUMMY!

Ice cream is yummy no matter when!

Sometimes we have brotherly love…..

November 2009 Flickr Upload

2011-09-30T02:40:00.001-07:00

Wow, so I’ve almost caught up with myself, it’s almost November again! Still trying to get back into the swing of school routines again & accepting that I just get a whole heck of a lot less done every day. The acceptance part is hard… So here’s my favorites, here’s the whole upload, if you’re interested…

Spidey takes a ride! One of 006’s art projects …

Getting hair buzzed off….

And grampa too

For my mom… but mine will never taste as good….

Caramel apples, my favorite – YUM!!

My gramma with one of her great-grands

See the full gallery on Posterous

One Day

2011-09-25T07:37:00.001-07:00

OK, I’ve been promising to get this out for a long time. Not sure if I’m ready or not, but I have a few minutes to try and purge. This song so much wraps up what I’ve been feeling, thinking & experiencing for the past 5 years. Wow, it is hard to believe that in January that is what it will be. But yet I know it’s been longer than that too. I was looking through some of my older pictures looking for something to scrap & all of these thoughts & emotions came bubbling to the surface, it was just completely overwhelming I was so so taken by surprise. I had no idea. Probably just because I was living it without paying attention.

So the reason why it’s been a hard few weeks is because the X got remarried. I know it sounds weird, it shouldn’t bother me. I don’t want to be married to him, I don’t want to have a life with him. He is not the person I thought I married. I’m sure he feels the same about me. But he is the father of my children & I never wanted my family split apart. I didn’t want to be divorced – again. I didn’t want another failed relationship. At what point do my relationships stop failing & start working? At what point in life do I get a bit of what I want? Why must I always give in to what the other wants? And that is not completely true. I have left boyfriends because they weren’t right for me. But it is just so frustrating to see everyone else with what I want & not have it. And it is frustrating to want something so badly. Why can’t I just stop & give up on it?

I wish him the best of luck. I hope he’s found a relationship he can actually stick with & not give up on. I hope he has learned from it. And I hope he has shared it with her. Because she is a sweet woman & deserves to know & know that she has made that decision with “all” of the information. I hope he is able to be for her what he was not able to be for me. I hope that he is able to model for our sons what a healthy, happy relationship looks like.

And I know it wasn’t all his fault, and it wasn’t all mine either. I know there was a huge side of me & my life I couldn’t share with him. Was terrified to share with him. Was afraid he wouldn’t love me or find me acceptable if he knew. Those are demons I’m having to face as I’m trying to do it “right” this time around. I know I struggled with an identity after leaving Thomson & becoming a full-time mom & wife. There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back. But I can’t so I’m just trying to do them going forward.

It is hard to admit your failures. And that was what it represented for me. And yes, EE and I have talked about it a bit. It is weird to do a bit. I certainly don’t want to give him the wrong impression, but I don’t want to hide anything & I did feel better after. He is a good sweet man, and I am so very blessed by his presence in my life. I can’t imagine all the twists & turns in fate that had to occur for us to both be at Charley Creek that night, but I am so thankful they did.

Which leads me to this song…

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-18T05:32:00.001-07:00

We left Friday to go up north – 5+ hours from home. With 2 crazy monkeys. To be with EE for the weekend & meet some of his other friends. I was a nervous wreck! Would the boys behave? Would I fit in? Would it be too overwhelming? What if his kids didn’t like my kids? He had gone up the day before & was so sweet “I know you’re getting in late, don’t worry, I’ll have everything all ready for you when you get here, you won’t have to worry about a thing”. That even included a chilled glass of my favorite wine, that was a total surprise and about the most touching thing ever. Is this what normal is like? Is this real? Does it ever go away? I just am so amazed every time he does something like that. We met Ken & Theresa & 1 of their boys, who had brought along 2 of his friends. Then on Saturday Brett & Pam showed up with their boy & girl. We got up & dinked around for breakfast & got ready to go to the river. Theresa just was wonderful in that she took care of breakfast & everything. He always asks me if it is hard to sit by & watch someone else do all the work “YES!”. But I am learning to view it as a gift given to me by them. And no one likes a poor gift receiver.

010 was so super excited to go on the canoe trip. We had to have lots of talks about the fact there is a lot of waiting, and that it is just for fun & relax & stuff. It was hard. 007 wasn’t so sure, and of course he comes down with some weird stomach bug that was not much fun. It involved a lot of rinsing in the river. We finally get on our way. I’ve never piloted (is that the right word? Steered, driven???) a canoe before and this is a bit of a challenging one. I’m getting frustrated, Ben is getting frustrated. He wants to be perfect right out of the gate, he doesn’t want to have learning time. It wasn’t pretty for a bit. However, we finally figure out where everyone can stop for the first snack break (I so need a beer by now, and haha he’s got one ready for me!) I go off to answer nature’s call & come back to Ben telling me that 007 & EE got into it because 007 was angry we had stopped, he didn’t want to, so he started to splash EE, who kept telling him to stop & would splash a bit back. 007 got upset because “this is my only dry shirt!” but wouldn’t stop. Which is how he is. Keeps pushing & pushing & pushing. So finally EE got tired of it & gave him a tap on the chest. 007 lost his footing & went all the way in the river. He helped pick him up & 007 came up swinging like Chuck Norris, just completely mad.

So 007 ended up in my canoe, and 010 in with EE. Which worked out really well. As 010 listened to EE and learned a few things about how to handle a canoe. And 007 & I got to have a talk about respecting others, and how we treat others, even when we are angry. I was not pleased with him. We had already gone round & round over a pair of water shoes that AM & he almost didn’t go. There are times when I know pushing him is not the right answer, but sometimes it just has to be. We eventually made it to the sand hill, which they climbed 3 times! And everyone was back to being their happy selves. (Yes EE & 007 made up). I was getting pretty tired though as I was probably doing a lot more paddling than steering and was excited that we were almost done actually. And I was starting to think I was getting to think I was getting the hang of it. That was when I got tangled up in a pile of logs with the current rushing right at us & we dumped the canoe. Now, EE being who he is, that cooler in the middle never budged! But 007 is hanging on for dear life (yes, they had life jackets on) and is extremely terrified & I’m trying to get him. I do manage to get ahold of him & he just clings desperately to me. I have to admit I was scared after I got a hold of him. I got us both calmed down and of course the boat is gone. There is no shoreline to walk along & you can’t walk in the river. I’m feeling abandoned & lost & scared. I don’t really know what to do. I put him down on a little bit of dirt (and of course he is extremely cold at this point, the water is only 58. EE had just put HIS long sleeved shirt on him at the sand hill because he was wet & cold. Now that really was the last dry shirt). Some college guys float by, ask if I need help, get the canoe emptied out of water & we try to figure out how to get it back to me. They ended up walking it back along the shore & I have to climb over the stupid pile of logs to help snag it. I can’t feel anything below my waist. 007 doesn’t really want to get back in the boat but I explain it is the only way off the river. A kayaker had gone by & I sent word up river with him, just in case.

So we get in, at this point I am just completely done, my nerves are shot, I’m freezing cold & I look down at my legs & they are just completely battered & scraped. I thank them all very much & we get going. We make it around about 3 more bends, and there is EE & 010 waiting on us. Of course he had figured out already something had happened. He gets us pulled over on the little bit of shore & we just enjoy being on land. I am not too cold but 007 is shivering. I help him get out of his jacket & EE helps him off with his wet shirt & gives him the shirt off of his back. That helped & he warmed up a bit. He looks at me & says “Mom, I don’t be mad but I don’t want to ride with you, I want to ride with Chuck!”. “That’s OK buddy, I understand”. And of course EE says “Cool”. So we swap kids again. And now 010 is amazing! He helps! He knows what to do, he is a completely different kid! And I needed that. I was tired & beat. We made it. We had fun. There were other moments too, of hitting & kicking between siblings, but that is not the part I want to remember.

We get back to camp, all of us. And I just stand in the shower with the water hot. And then I realize all my warm clothes are in the dry bag. Which is still with EE dropping off all the paddles & stuff at Shomler’s. So I rustle around in his stuff & find a sweatsuit. Too big but it will work. D & S are there already so I catch up a bit with them. And get the boys squared away. We end up going to The Mushroom in Mesick for pizza. Except Ken & Brett have the burritos. It’s like 5 pounds of stuff. And it is a good time. We go back, the boys feel asleep & the adults stay up & drink Jeremiah Weed, Jack and Jack & Coke. And smoke cigars. And a strange observation comes over me. There are just the 6 of us parents together. D&S are over with the kids. And it seems odd to me because they are adults. And it felt weird for me to be included but not them. I’m the outsider, but all of a sudden, I’m being treated like an insider. And a warm glow just nestles down into my belly. And we are laughing & goofing off. I drew tattoos on 010 & Pam’s arms. I drew a baby on Ken’s belly cause he was about 8 months along. And I realize I am having an amazing, fun time.

Everyone leaves on Sunday, so now it is just the 4 of us. And we just hang out. I make chili for supper, we have s’mores in the middle of the afternoon. We tidy up & just have some low key fun. That night, EE & I sit out by the fire and talk. About what makes me happy, and him. And he says I’m the single best thing that has happened to him in a long time. We talk about his cabin plans and what he wants to do. And I’m so torn because I want to think I’ll be a part of it, that he thinks I’ll be a part of it. But knowing it probably won’t include me. But I want it to so bad. And then I wonder about why I worry about that so much. Why can’t I just enjoy the moment of where I am? I don’t know, other than I never really have.

Monday we pack up (the boys helped & did such a great job!) and we go to Gartlett’s Corner again for breakfast. It was so super-yummy. And then we are following him back. He’s in lead, I’m #2. And as we are driving a long & changing lanes & I’m struggling with being sad & depressed because I think this is never going to last no matter how much I want it to, I am struck with how much fun it is to drive like this. He signals wanting to go over, I go over so that he’s got room & then he comes over & then in reverse to go back. And I wonder if this is how it feels for him when he’s flying formation. That our cars are really operating more as 1 unit instead of 2 separate machines. It is thrilling and exciting & it brings a smile to my face. It just feels good all the way down to the core. And then I also realize we’ve been operating as a team all weekend long. The X and I never were very good at that. He never wanted me to help with anything. He’d rather just struggle through it on his own. It always made me feel useless. And it about makes me cry. Because EE never makes me feel that way. We actually work together on stuff.

OK, wow that ended up being longer than what I thought, but apparently I had a lot I needed to get out.

010 and me…. This is at the first rest stop.

One of them is not believing the other’s story. I think this was before Chuck Norris came out to play…

You can see he did not really get very wet. But he was still mad. But he needs to learn the world does not always revolve around him. He is allowed to state his opinion but that does not mean that I (or anyone else) has to follow it. This is before we dumped. And you can see how the cooler is strapped in there. Makes for keeping the river cleaner. You would not believe the debris sometimes!

This is the sandhill, hard to tell how big it is, but that is the boys way up there. Takes a good 5+ minutes to climb. No I did not.

Christmas 99

2011-09-17T04:19:00.001-07:00

Here’s a fun little Christmas layout. I was playing around with my Marvy 3” circle punch – fun! I think this might have been a re-do. I know you are not supposed to do that. But I do….

Cardstock is Bazzill, Paper is KI Memories, Sticker is Doodlebug.

August 21

2011-09-11T06:26:00.001-07:00

I know I promised some September stuff, and I know there’s some things that I need to write down & talk about, but I couldn’t believe that I forgot this! The weekend before the Moto GP we went on a ride over to www.whytehorsewinery.com which I think I mentioned. We played hookie from church, T, J & I and EE & I were at their house about 10:30. Of course it rained on the way over there & was chilly. We were concerned but decided to forge ahead. It did sprinkle a bit but finally did clear up. Just outside of Logansport, we saw a bunch of older cars sitting out, so we pulled over & decided to check it out. Ended up being a Hudson club get together, but he had lots of other cars, lots of Corvairs!, to look at too. He owned easily 25, the guy who was hosting. We motored on over to Monticello & found the place. Did a wine tasting & chose some to take outside on the veranda to drink, with a plate of cheese. It was just so good to hang out with friends all together. Something that the X and I rarely did. He would usually go off with the guy of the couple & then the wife & I would talk on the rare occasions that we did something. Never really 4 people sitting & talking. But that’s what we did. And it was like music to my soul; it felt so good. Normal just doesn’t feel very normal. The X & I rarely sat & just talked with each other, period. His face was always glued to a laptop screen of some sort. We probably talked better on the phone when he was traveling. That is about all EE and I do. Is sit and talk. And it is so weird. And I’m scared we’ll run out of things to talk about.

I just so want someone to share my life with, to make stories with. I think maybe I have that person…but now I’m fearful he’ll be taken away. Now that I’ve drank from the fountain, I don’t want to leave.

See, I told you I have a thing for his head… Oh my goodness the feeling of being back there, of the utter freedom that I feel, it is intoxicating! Taking full, deep breaths that purge the stress from you lungs, the scents that infiltrate your nose can make you giddy! When the corn is in tassel it smells so sweet, so heavenly. Going through the woods or under trees the temperature changes & so does the quality of the air. It turns earthy, fresher, alive. And of course there is the feeling of him sitting between my legs that is very sensual in a non-purposeful way that I think makes it an even bigger turn-on, because it is not intentional.

He is an amazing man, he is blue jeans & tuxes all wrapped up in the same package. He is easy-going, adaptable, flexible, non-flappable and I find that incredible. He is kind & gentle, strong & tough. He is a wonderful dad & his kids show it. He has a good heart, he is caring & attentive & sensitive. As for Wabash & the surrounding areas, sorry but I think he’s the last one still single. But he’s not available so don’t even try! He has made my life better.

Here is T&J. She is one sexy, beautiful mama that is so full of life, she inspires me. She can be so over the top, outrageous and crazy & I love her for it, even when she embarrasses me (in fun) and stretches me to think (waaaayyyy) outside my box. He is just an all-around good guy, his boys are lucky to have him for a dad & role model & more men should be like him.

And here is the two of us just being goofy. No, we didn’t wreck, yes it used to make me nervous when he did that, but he’s been riding for longer than I’ve been alive, so if I can’t trust him, who can I?

More on the Moto - August 27-28

2011-09-09T03:12:00.001-07:00

Let’s just say that first off, this was an amazing trip for me. I can’t say that “I’ve always wanted to go” or anything, but it sounded like so much fun, I couldn’t resist. I would so go back. These guys just do amazing things with those machines. And honestly, the racing part is over before you know it. All the events just makes it so much fun. I haven’t gone through all the pictures yet, I started with almost 800, I now have just over 200. This one is from the Moto2 race, it is indescribable to watch them and how they almost start operating as a unit instead of individuals. I was completely fascinated with the forms and lines they would make. And of course the colors were just beautiful, but I’m not sure they are adequately represented in my shots. After I got there on Saturday, we did go out to eat & managed to get 3 parking ticket warnings. We then also cruised up & down the block around the circle (actually they probably had 5 blocks blocked off going south) and had a few drinks before going back to the hotel as we wanted to get a somewhat early start off to the track for Sunday.

This is one of the packs from the Moto2 crew

And this is Saturday night cruising around. We’re on the Katana and yes I have a thing for taking pictures of the back of his head! Well, maybe that’s just because that’s what I see from the back of the bike. Or maybe it’s because I totally dig him. Or both..

It felt like a million bikes. It was so cool to walk around & look at them all & totally cool to ride around trying to find a place to park. A few good stories.

Musings

2011-09-08T20:11:00.001-07:00

August flew by. What the heck! On the 21st we had a nice little bike ride with t&j over to www.whytehorsewinery.com in Monticello. It was so wonderful to be on the bike again You have all 4 of us together. Then the next weekend we went down to Indy for the Moto GP. That was an absolute blast and I got a chance to hang out with his 2 sons a bit. We stayed downtown & the circle was just jammed packed. It was really cool to be a part of that. I've never ridden on a sport bike before so that was totally cool. His ducati doesn't have passenger footpegs so EE told chris either I ride your bike or you drive my girlfriend around. Chris let us take the katana. What a kick in the pants!

More in september...those stories are to come but I am not as fast a typist on this touchpsd s i'd like & it's LATE!

-- Sent from my HP TouchPad

October 2009 Flickr Upload

2011-08-26T19:45:00.001-07:00

Here is the full upload… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Here are my favorites:

Staying home from school sick & getting to play with my 005, so cool. And what a great shot of him!

Make a wish! I was told later I cheated on the cake decoration & I was not allowed to do that anymore.

He went through a phase of leaving me notes on the magnadoodle…

Yummy fun hot chocolate & checkers at Modoc’s

It’s a good place to hang out…

My daddy helping me change the oil….

September 2009 Flickr Upload

2011-08-09T02:53:00.001-07:00

It has been a busy summer here, different since I’m not running down to a hospital every other day, but have managed to stay on top of things around the house better. 016 has helped me get all the mulch done in the driveway flowerbed. And he and the boys have helped me get the stick & woodpile tamed. Also, have to thank EE for my chainsaw, it was so much nicer using that to cut up the branches than a bow saw! They’ve also done a fantastic job of keeping the tomatoes & strawberries weeded. Now we just need to get some stuff bearing fruit! The raspberry canes have filled out nicely, but the birds still are the only ones enjoying it. And I’ve managed to plant a few new bushes & perennials in the driveway bed & around the house so things are starting to fill in . I still have mulch left over, so I’m anxious to start my path from the porch to the driveway. Perhaps we can get that done this week. Dad is taking all 3 of the boys “camping” in the backyard and they are excited about that. I will probably go help EE with his little wall repair project. Mainly just so I can see him. Not like I’m adding any real expertise to the project. He’s handy all on his own. Dad continues to struggle with the loss of Mom. As would be expected. It is coming up on a year. I can’t believe that. Seems weird. He has good days & bad days. But his life will never be the same & neither will he.

Personally, I’m struggling with being in a relationship again. Wondering if it’s really where I need to be, have I dealt with enough baggage that I can actually be normal, or do I need to not be in one still? Am I ever going to be ready or feel ready? EE mentioned a job opening in Lansing & I just about freaked. Of course I told him I wanted him to do what he would be happy with, the best thing for him. I know he’s just a visitor here. But I felt like I was dying on the inside. And then the super freak-out response to rejection & being left behind kicked in full gear & I was so taken by surprise by it. Thought I had gotten past that. Apparently not. My therapist says I need to tell him about my reaction. Not as a pressure thing, or to change his mind, but just to communicate what was going through my head. Not sure I can. Whenever I did that with the ex, I was always told I was holding him back. Don’t want to hold EE back. She’s also told me that him going there does not have to equal him not wanting to see me ever again. Which is how I write the equation. But I know she’s right, it doesn’t have to be that way. I suppose the whole thing is just a way for me to grow in my confidence in being able to speak up for myself, and my trust in him, that what he says he really means. So far that has been true, but I’m petrified he’s going to end up being just like every other man & it’s going to be an act or a lie. I know that is not fair to him, so I’m trying really hard to have hope & faith & trust that he is what he seems to be.

Well, on a more enjoyable note, here’s what I uploaded this week… a wonderful afternoon in the park riding bikes with Grampa at Paradise Springs….

Giggly times at gymnastics…

School picture sitting…

Not sure how one sleeps in a bed this full & a rubber snake too?

Don’t remember what the stickers were for, but how can you resist that face?

And the second set of school pictures worked out better for this guy…

August 2009 Flickr Upload #3

2011-07-28T02:36:00.001-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Just trucking right along going through all the pix. Sometimes I do a lot of adjustments, sometimes I just leave them as is. Just depends on what strikes me…. Here are my faves…

We had a boo-boo. Goodness knows what it was really, but it felt better after this, that’s all that matters, right?

So handsome. Great care-free smile. One he doesn’t wear a lot…

Yes, he’s licking himself. Don’t know why, he’s crazy……

1^st pet experiment, Yoshi. He was a nice looking cat. Don’t know what happened to him. Told the boys he went off on a grand adventure.

July/August 2009 Flickr Upload

2011-07-25T03:10:00.001-07:00

Full stream as always is here…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Made it back from upstate MI yesterday safely. And still early enough to settle in before going to bed. It is certainly nice to have working AC again, but now it doesn’t seem to want to shut off. Don’t quite get that. Worried about the electric bill. I know it’s been less than 24 hours, but really missing EE. Had a great time canoeing yesterday & I think the kids did too. Had a return visit from an unwanted guest, hope it goes away soon. Guess it’s just an indication I need to take better care of myself. Less stress, more being good to me.

In addition to canoeing, we had ourselves a little bit of a shoot-out with target practice. That’s another thing to scratch off my bucket list, but don’t be surprised if it makes it back on there. He started me out with his .22 and D showed me the ropes again, after EE went inside to shower. Never a bad thing to repeat things for me. Did OK, hit the target a couple of times. It’s a lot louder than I ever thought it would be, and harder. I shake more than what I thought I do. When he came back out, he was like “so do you want to try mine now?” Of course, they’re all his (except what D & C carry) but I knew he was talking about the one he carries. Which is a bit larger & heaver, a .45. Both are automatics. Sure…. So I did, he walked me through where everything was & what it did. MUCH louder. And heavier. I was shooting a bit low & to the left (which D said was normal for most lefties he knew) and I said “but I’m shooting righty” and he was like “well, switch” so I did. And got hit square in the head with the ejected casing. That was the 3 stooges moment of the weekend. No harm so we all just had a good chuckle. And he got it on his video camera so I expect it to be on YouTube soon. He also took some funny vids canoeing.

First day of school 2009-2010

I can’t believe how much they’ve grown!

Fishing with Grampa

He actually caught one! I think it got tossed back in…..

Sunrise through the fog, waiting on the bus…

Random thoughts

2011-07-21T03:08:00.001-07:00

Playing Farmville is a time suck. One that I don’t have the luxury for…

Love the smell of corn in the summer from the back of a bike

It’s freaky riding without a helmet

Need to start walking more, my legs are killing me

Really missing EE

Can’t wait to go canoeing with him this weekend

Not looking forward to the 6 hour drive after work, though

Nervous about being around his kids so much – I’m such a big dork

Hate comparing myself to the “little girls” that are going to be there too, but I do. And I know I don’t measure up

Was so proud of 007 for trying multiple new foods at the Japanese Steak House last night

Was so proud of 010 for being so patient

Miss them so much when they are gone

Can’t believe summer is almost over

Don’t think I can wear all my hats at work

Not sure how to get a handle on everything that needs done

Without air conditioning – again – second time in as many weeks. Why can’t people just do good work anymore? Whatever happened to taking pride in your work?

Missing the help of my nephew

Wondering if I got enough mulch

Wondering if I’ll ever be done with the mulch

Wondering if I’m going to have less weeds next year

I really need to spray the driveway

I really need to take my bike out for a spin

Really miss EE

Not sure why I work sometimes, I just really want to retire

Will I ever get the one thing I’ve always wanted?

Where does all the time go?