SEEKING EQUILIBRIUM

EQUILIBRIUM, SORT OF

2012-02-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

Equilibrium.

The fine art of balance.

Between holding on and letting go.

I've spent the last few weeks in hell. Moving, boxing, purging, throwing, giving and realizing that there is just a time to let go. I've started going through the thousands of emails and realized how fortunate I am that I have so many friends that sent me such wonderful notes of encouragement. I can't wait to get back to them and let them know how much that meant. I went through days in a literal blur. I felt like I was swinging back and forth and the swings were long and deep.

Finally, it's all over.

I've moved in and feel like my life is back to somewhat normal. Well, let me rephrase that. I've never been normal but I'm back to being me again. You know what's weird? All those things that I couldn't live without.......I don't miss. In fact, I couldn't even tell you what's in that huge POD that I packed. I still have way too much crap and when I finally unpack it I will probably toss a ton more.

So I'm starting to relax.

Somewhat.

I think I need to put consistency back in my life. I've been neglecting the gym and I need to start hitting it every morning. It may hurt to get on that treadmill but it does help. Not with the actual pain but it helps my self esteem and it definitely helps the way I look it my clothes. I find comfort in schedules and predictability so, maybe, if I bring it back into my life I will feel better.

I do hate one thing.
The bathtub.

It is beyond me how there is even a bathtub in existence on the planet that is so shallow that it doesn't cover you with water. How pathetic!! Plus the water pressure is almost non-existent. I think the water flow gauge on the shower head will have to be rebuilt. Also, there is hard water and I hate it. So let me get this straight, I hate the tub, I hate the shower, I hate that there isn't a doggie door and I hate that I can hear every noise in this place.

Do I sound like a ungrateful princess?
Yes.

Let me tell you.....the bath is one of my few real pleasures. I love to read and take long soaks in the tub. I had a spa tub and I was in it every night. It won't happen in this tub. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Hey!

I am getting back to normal!!

Whine, bitch, moan and complain.........

Yep.........back to normal!

Cool!

MONOPOLY DAYS AND NIGHTS

2012-02-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

Moving and Fibromyalgia.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect 200.00
Fibro jail, here I come.

I've gone through a whole house that I've lived in seventeen years. I've purged (some, not enough) and I've thrown (again, some.....not enough) and I've boxed. I really hate moving and I especially hated this move.

But I'll get over it.

I finally got my bed moved and last night I had enough. I couldn't do one more thing. I've pushed my body to its limit and it was too much. There is something about stress and how it affects your body. When Fibromyalgia is involved, however, all bets are off. You cannot do this without stopping to decompress.

The problem is that I have very high standards for myself. My personality has really shown through during this move. I've become very pissy and I wanted things done. Did I also mention that I wanted it done yesterday and preferably in alphabetical order? Oh, come on.....who the hell puts moving boxes in alphabetical order?

Me.

Is that ridiculous or what?

The other thing this move has done is that I'm very unsettled. I don't like change that much and this change has been a doozy. I know that I need to look at this as moving forward but I can't get there yet. I can say it in my head but it hasn't reached down into my heart yet. Plus, there are little things that are tough to get used to. First of all, get this.......I have to get up in the morning and walk my little baby dog. He's had a doggie door and now I have to put on his leash and venture out for a morning walk. Now, I'm not a morning person and this dog definitely is. His little fanny wags in excitement for the opportunity to go outdoors and do his thing. I mean, I wouldn't like it if he stood in front of the bathroom door and made me wait but moving first thing isn't my strong suit. It's such a little thing to make him happy but........

My body has slammed me against the wall and shouted, "STOP!"

I better listen to it.

Because this time it's not kidding.

Maybe I'll feel better when I get cable.............

DAZED AND CONFUSED

2012-01-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

I really do believe that you can

weather any storm.

Unless you're standing

knee deep in a conductor.

If the picture elicits a confused response then it has done what it was intended to do. I am confused.

And tired.

And sore.

And it keeps getting worse.

The muscle spasms at night have been horrible. Around nine I can feel the old familiar tightening and I know they're going to start soon. I hate to take the muscle relaxers but I have no choice unless I want to endure the pain. I've tried the bath and it will help while I'm in there but after I get out they just start all over again.

Let me back up just a bit.

I'm packing up a home that I've lived in for seventeen years. I have more crapola than I know what to do with. Some of it, well, I've just tossed and some I've given to goodwill. That still leaves me with stuff that my daughter doesn't want and stuff that I'm just not ready to toss. I don't know why I'm still holding on to things that I haven't used in years. I found that I have 15 sets of sheets and blankets that I haven't seen in years.

It was like Christmas all over again.

But I digress.

There is a reason that moving is one of the most stressful things that you can experience. When you add fibromyalgia to the mix you are in for one doozy of a time. I pack a box and then find that ten more are needed. Just when I think I've made a dent in this venture, I find out that I'm not even close. Maybe I should just close my eyes and throw it all in a box and hope for the best when I get to my new home. Really, I wish I could do that.

I'm just not made that way.

I'm too organized for my own good.

I need to go through every last item and get rid of the stuff that I never use. Again, I have things that I haven't used in at least 15 years. Why do I persist in saving it? For instance, my mother had tea cups and figurines from her mother. It wasn't anything valuable but they had sentimental value to my mother. I never met the original owner and these things were hidden away in the hutch in the dining room. Now that I'm really looking at these things my only thought is that they don't mean anything to me. The memories that my mother held are long gone. My daughter doesn't want these things and neither do I. Why then is it so difficult to toss them? Memories are stored in our hearts not in nameless figurines and sets of dishes. There are things that are a part of our tradition and those things will remain but the other things definitely need to go.

Good, I'm glad I talked myself into it.

So, now let me continue.
Does the word rain, cold and cloudy mean anything to you?

I'm totally in move mode.

Moving and hurting don't go together.

But, for now, they have to.

One step at a time.

One baby step at a time.

I keep saying that but it still hasn't worked.

Crapola........ (that's not intended for the stuff in my house)

CURRENTS AND TIDES

2012-01-12T23:46:00.000-08:00

Slow and steady.

Go with the flow.

Stay the course.

I've never been big on changing my mind. Never liked changing the rules in the middle of the game. Never really liked change. There are people that are risk takers. They enjoy the thrill of not-knowing and just the thought of something surprising around the corner causes their heart to flitter-flutter in anticipation. These people are skilled in the art of the leap of faith.

I'm not one of them.

I like predictability. It's comforting for me to know my course of action. I'm reassured when all the stones fall into place. The only change I like is rearranging furniture. My former husband used to come in and trip over the ottoman that wasn't supposed to be where I placed it. It's strange....my personality speaks risk taker but that is so far from the truth. I really like order, security and predictability.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten worse.

As I've said before, chronic illness plays with your head in the best of circumstances, let alone what I've been hit with since this started. It's been like a category 4 hurricane that has ravaged a good portion of my life. It's been three years and I'm just now starting to come out of it. The last domino has fallen and now I'm getting ready to move. Physically, I'm scared because I don't know what my body can handle. Moving is one of the most stressful things that you can do in this life; well, besides death, divorce and buying a home. So I'll be combining two biggies. Let's face it, Fibromyalgia has brought quite a few stressful "biggies" into my world since it arrived. Couple this with the ever-waiting boom that can fall at any moment and bring a relatively calm day that is about a 4-5 on a pain scale to OMG!

There's not a lot of security when faced with chronic illness,.

So the nice, easy current of my life has had a real nasty undertow. It's time to change course so I can get out of the water. This hasn't been an easy process for me. Relationships have come and gone. Jobs have come and gone. Money has come and gone. Homes have come and gone.

I have to say one thing though.

Through all the chaos and havoc, I have been truly blessed.

I can recover.

I've been thrown back on the shore.

EVERYDAY HEALTH

2012-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

The six strange signs of Fibromyalgia.

Wait.

There's only six???

I got contacted by Everyday Health and they asked if I'd share a post about the six strange signs of Fibromyalgia. Of all the weird symptoms we have, these seem to be the ones that really stand out. I've included the link and if you click on Everyday Health it will take you to the page on Fibromyalgia.

Of course we have pain and fatigue. I like to call them "the twins." Remember the twin girls in the movie The Shining? Well, if I have to put faces on pain and fatigue.......there they are. But, I digress. On to some of the weirder symptoms!

Sensitivity to Fragrance.

I always thought it was me. My nose will drive me crazy! I can pick up the slightest scent and it isn't always pleasant. I'd like to carry around a can of Febreze. I know this can also mean chemical sensitivity but, at least for me, it's mostly fragrance. I know the article mentions that gabapentin (Neurontin) can help with this but that's a whole other post. I have definite issues with this medication and I had to stop taking it. One of the things that really bothered me was the weight gain associated with this drug. I could make a whole post about my issues with weight gain but I'll leave that for another time.

I guess it falls under sensory overload.

The article talks about lipomas (fatty tumors), excessive sweating, the ever-present fog and a couple of others that seem fairly common. Except in my case.

The two that really get me (besides the fog) is Allodynia. Rubbing my shoulders can send me climbing up a wall. Even when I get massages I have to be very, very specific about the amount of pressure that my body can handle. To someone else it would seem like a very light touch but for me it's excruciating. Heightened sensitivity to touch?

The article does talk about the help that sleep, exercise and stress relief therapy can help but so far, I still have a lot of trouble in this area.

This is a fascinating article and I'm really looking forward to going through the site and learning more about this mysterious, lovely little illness that we have.

So please visit Everyday Health and give them a look.

I think you'll like the site.

Strange signs of Fibro?

Everything is strange.

Just depends on the day.

BEHIND BROWN EYES

2012-01-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

It's 2012.

How am I looking at the world?

Through the eyes of 2008.

I thought about making resolutions. I really did, however, I never really keep them. I can come up with all sorts of improvements that I can make to my life and I think that's a good thing to do, however, I've realized that I'm more of the idea man.

The follow-up,on the other hand, isn't my strong suit.

I usually end up forgetting my resolve so this year I came up with an idea that I know will work. It's simple, easy and doesn't take a whole lot of effort.

I'm not making any resolutions.

This year I finally got "me." If I say I'm going to lose weight or eat healthier, I know those ideas will go by the wayside within the first couple of weeks. I am not good at setting arbitrary goals. I need to make them more broad based. I looked in the mirror and decided I wanted to look better in my clothes. If I'd made a goal to lose some weight I would have failed. It's like quitting smoking. When I was 50 I'd promised my daughter that I would quit smoking. If I'd told myself that I could never have another cigarette I'd never have quit. I always said that if I wanted one I could: I just chose NOT too.That seems to be my trigger. I just choose not to do something.

That seems to work for me in all areas except one.

I can't choose not to be in pain. I can't choose to forget the fatigue. I wish I could. I can occupy my time but the twins (pain and fatigue) are always with me to some degree. The exercise that is supposed to help control the pain: doesn't. I know what the articles say but I can say with an air of certainty that isn't the case. Well, at least in my case.

So I'm peering out into the world of 2012 with caution. I'll admit that my vision has been slightly askew since 2008. I'm not into acceptance and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know how to be chronically ill and I don't think that I want to know how to be chronically ill. Passive acceptance has never been my thing. I know that I can't change the fact that I have a chronic illness. I know that I have to manage symptoms and maintain some sort of discipline over my body. I know that I have limitations.

I know that the mind can do many things. It can heal and it can hurt but a calm acceptance to achieve some sense of nirvana just doesn't work for me. I've let go of the small stuff and I've let go of some of the "big stuff" but letting go of everything of my will to fight wouldn't fit my personality. For me acceptance means rolling over and letting the Fibromyalgia take front and center. It means I've embraced my limitations.

I just can't do that.

I'm still looking out with cautious eyes.

If the Mayans are right.

It won't matter anyway.

I'm just not going to watch 2012 coming up on the movie channel.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO....

2011-12-31T08:19:00.000-08:00

Wow!

Nominated!

This is kind of cool!!

I really have to thank the person that nominated me. I've always said that if one person walks away from reading my blog and is helped in some way, well, that's enough for me. So, to the one who nominated me, I can only say thank you. It means a great deal!

Your nomination details:

Award: Hilarious Health Activist 2011 (http://info.wegohealth.com/humor-2011)

Link: Http://rosemaryl.blogspot.com

Reason: She writes about the challenges that chronic illness can bring. She keeps me smiling through tough times!

Congrats! We hope you’ll join in the excitement and take a moment to nominate your own favorite Health Activists for any of the 10 Awards and share the program with your online community.

Learn more:

Check out all the awards (and nominate others!): http://info.wegohealth.com/awards-2011/

Download our quick sharing templates: http://info.wegohealth.com/awards-sharing/

Want to help pick the winners? Apply to be part of our Judging Panel: http://info.wegohealth.com/awards-jury/

I always uses to laugh at the Oscars when the nominees would be interviewed after the show and they'd say,

"It's an honor to be nominated."

That's so true.

It is an honor.

BODY APOLOGETICS

2011-12-28T13:46:00.000-08:00

I know that we shouldn't do too much.

Having said that,

I offer my sincerest apologies to my body.

This time of year gets crazy. Partly, because it just is and partly because I tend to make it that way. I just love buying presents. I don't do it well because I get very excited and tend to give them before Christmas. Then I have to go out and buy some more gifts. This adds stress because my budget for presents is smaller this year.

I need to not shop until the very last day.

I love finding unusual gifts as well. My kids call them "my latest obsession." I use them as stocking stuffers and, to be honest, they're just goofy little gifts. One year it was dental dots and another year it was Blender Balls.

Am I the only one that does this?

Anyway, since Christmas I've been staying close to home and close to my bed. My whole body feels like it's been run over by a truck or, as I like to refer to it; roadkill. I'm using this time to catch up and read blogs and articles that I haven't read in a long time. I feel like I've been neglecting my friends...well, I have been and I need to get back to them. My heart is heavy as I read how my friends feel right now.

This is a condition that plays with your mind. Chronic pain can bring with it all kinds of gadgets and it wants to set up housekeeping in your body. We still grieve for the life that we used to have but there is a difference between that and depression.

Or feeling like we're utterly alone.

We go through this life blissfully unaware that at any moment our bodies could turn on us. When it does, it leaves us bewildered and afraid. The one thing we thought we could count on was our body. Is it any wonder that we don't know how to react?

We need to be very careful about the isolation that chronic pain brings to our lives. Isolation is depressions best friend. They want to lure us to that dark place and share with us its lies. It will tell us that this fight isn't worth it. It will whisper its lies to us every day and with every passing moment that lie gains a foothold on our minds. We have to remain vigilant.

That's where the battlefield is.

If there is one person out there that needs our strength then we need to be there for them. All of us lose our strength and will at times. We all need each other. We need each other to share our joys and triumphs and our laughter and tears.

I pray that the new year brings comfort and relief from our physical pain as well as our emotional pain.

I pray that the new year brings an avenue for each of us to realize and reach for our dreams all the while staying mindful that we need to recognize and accept our limitations.

I pray that the new year brings an awareness of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and the research necessary to find a cause and a cure.

I pray that the new year brings renewal and restoration to those that I know and love.

I pray that we're also a little bit kinder to ourselves.

TO BEE OR NOT TO BEE

2011-12-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

Now I've heard it all.
And I'm shaking my head.
Unbelievable.

Has anyone heard about the Bee Sting Therapy? Now, I know we'll try a lot of things hoping to relieve the pain of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I know that I'd probably wash my face in sewer water if it would help. There are many weird and alternative therapies that I'd try in hopes that the pain would say bye-bye.

But not in a million years would I try this.

What mastermind came up with this?

Okay, let me get this straight. In a body that already has neurological pain issues, we are going to add to the mix, a bee placed on strategic points and let that lovely little creature sting us. Now, I don't know about you, but even before all of this chronic illness mess hit me, I would absolutely flip out before I'd let a bee sting me. Now that the pain thresholds are lowered, can you imagine how that would feel? What possible good could come from this?

I'd call whoever thought of this a Mensa candidate but sub-moron is too high for this group.

I wonder what these geniuses charge for this kind of therapy? Well, I googled it. One place had a deal. I could get acupuncture and apitherapy for an hour for $120 and other sites going as high as $500. Now, to be fair apitherapy uses bee products (all kinds) to treat medical conditions. Bee venom therapy is a part of that kind of therapy. I'll agree on some of the products but letting a bee sting me?

Not only no, but hell no.

There is another question that I need answered. This therapy states that the bee venom therapy is getting stung by bees in a "controlled setting." Can you tell me how that is going to be achieved? How can you possibly control bees? It must be that the bee stings trigger the bodies anti-inflammatory response. These people think that the bee stings will get your immune system up and running and fight the Fibromyalgia. I can't even type this with a straight face. I guess doctors have come out against this therapy because one of the little, tiny, very small, minor drawbacks is that too many bee stings can cause bodily harm and even death.

Sounds like anaphylactic shock to me.

What a winner!

I guess you get anywhere from 20-40 stings per sessions and you do this three times a week. I also read that it's used for depression as well. Don't even get me started on that one! Nothing like getting over depression by letting bees sting your body. Can you even imagine the pain? Can you imagine the pain you're in by the time you hit 40 stings? I guess the disclosures state that there could be some "discomfort" from the stings.

I think I'd rather have a massage.

I read that a study was done and the symptoms, believe it or not, GOT WORSE. Gee, ya think? The cost must be pretty high because people are ordering bees and administering the therapy themselves. (stupid)

I think it goes without saying that insurance won't cover this.

Also, there could be a minor issue (death) if you're allergic to bees.

Is this what they mean by the bees knees??

UNSETTLED SUNDAY

2011-12-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Peering out cautiously.

Looking at the world.

Not sure.

Unsteady.

I thought I knew my life path. I know that life can throw curve balls but I didn't expect them to be as strong and unrelenting as they have become. It feels like I'm coming to a crossroad and I'm not sure what way to go. I've never liked uncertainty and that quality has been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember. I feel comfortable knowing as much as I can about the people around me and my surroundings. I think that if I can then I can avert some of life's nasty surprises.

Wrong.

I'm just hanging today. I'm trying to figure out my next move. If life was a chess game, well, I'd be pretty close to being the master. I'm sitting here drinking Wild Sweet Orange Tea and contemplating my next move. I used to be in Starbucks every day and until I found out about Mocha's, I drank this tea every day. Then Starbucks changed it for this Orange Blossom green tea crap that tastes exactly as I just described it.

It helps me think.

It keeps my body warm too. Lately, around 5ish, I start to get very cold. Very cold. I end up having to take a real hot shower or bath just to feel warm again. Is that weird? Please tell me that other people get cold in the late afternoon too. I feel that I have enough symptoms and to add even just one more to the list is overload.

Back to thinking.

It's amazing how quickly I can revert to Type A squared. When I start thinking I don't know when to just let go. My perfectionist tendencies kick in and then start to get the better of me. Why the hell don't I just stop? I know that when I do this the stress starts and then pain becomes my best friend again.

I just need to knock it off.

It probably doesn't help that the weather isn't cooperating either. I woke up to the pitter-patter of little rain drops on my window last night and to a lovely little rainstorm this morning. I used to love the feel of the rain in the air. I still do but with plenty of caveats. I love the feel of rain in the air but it's going to hurt. Nope, that's not quite right. Maybe it should be, "I love the feel of rain in the air but my pain is going to go from a throb to OMG, please make it stop!"

That's about where it is today.

I think we need a new pain scale.

And it shouldn't stop at 10.

Rosemary and the magic barometer .....

Over and out.

MY ATTITUDE IS IN THE TOILET

2011-12-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

Rain is coming and I can feel it.

When I'm in pain I have a very low tolerance level.

Very low.

Like in none.

I've always loved being in sales which is pretty funny because I have a real cynical view of human nature. I love being around people but I'm also not surprised when they go off the deep end or act like a two year old. My personality is pretty strong and my friends either appreciate that fact or are themselves real strong. I've never understood game playing or acting like a baby. My friends are wonderful; even those friends that I've never met face to face. There is a strength of will that is there even through those times where they are curled up in pain or at their weakest point. We may have a very low pain threshold but we most definitely do not have a low pain tolerance.

I've always said that Fibromyalgia is not an illness for sissies.

The rain is coming and I can feel it. My hands are starting to throb and the aches are starting to build. What makes it worse is that I'm a little stressed and that doesn't help at all. I'm still trying to find my zen place but, now, I've got all these little annoyances around me. They're like pesky little flies that I want to swat. It falls under stupid little games that I didn't even play as a teenager. In one respect it's annoying and on the other it's laughable.

Anyway, back to feeling like cow plop.

I went to the holiday support group holiday luncheon and most of us are in the same boat. I started thinking. Light and sound sensitivity. Pain and fatigue. Is it seasonal or just that the cold weather has really started to set in? I wish this was a simple "syndrome" where an aspirin and a good nights sleep would fix what ails us. The flares are tough. Real tough.

I've learned that I have to live with only a certain amount of marbles in the jar. Every act and every stressful moment takes marbles out of the jar. I have to be careful of my reserves and be mindful of the acts that do that. Managing my life's physical and emotional needs takes a great amount of discipline. I need to take the fact that this is chronic; not only keep that fact in my head but in my heart. I really have to get it together.

Actually the pain is really starting to piss me off.

I guess I need to get a better attitude. If it really reflected the pain I feel right now the toilet would be a step up. I get really tired of having to take pain medication just to get to the fricking gym. I want to tell you that as much as they say that exercise helps the pain, I can say with absolute certainty that it doesn't. The only thing it's done is increase my endurance. OK.....the little side benefit of looking good in my clothes helps, but pain is pain. It hasn't gone away and I don't think it's going to.

Please don't tell me that I don't look sick. If I looked like I felt I'd scare dogs and little children. As far as the exercise goes, I've almost fallen asleep on the treadmill. I especially like the way I feel afterwards. I feel like roadkill. When people think that Fibromyalgia can't be that bad I'd like to tell them to give someone a baseball bat and have them beat the hell out of them every day and then tell me it can't be that bad.

It is what it is what it is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

that this is not the time to irritate me.

Patience has never been my long suit.

It certainly isn't now.

UNDER LOCK AND KEY

2011-12-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

We're in shackles.

It's what we carry with us always.

Fibromyalgia.

I'll never forget the day I went to the neurologist and she suspected Fibromyalgia. She wanted me to get a brain MRI to rule out MS. I was terrified and got the results of the tests before she did. It was negative for any lesions on the brain so MS was ruled out. She told me that she almost wished I had it so it would be better defined than what I was going to be stuck with. It was said with a sense of defeat because she knew the battles that people with Fibromyalgia face. Believe me, I'm not minimizing MS by any stretch of the imagination but there is better funding for research and it has the backing of the full faith and credit of the medical community.

I felt like the world was closing in on me. In one sense it was. I've never been real fond of change and the changes that were happening because of a car accident and subsequent diagnosis of Fibromyalgia were truly life changing.

I don't do real well with that.

I'm not a real open person. I've always been very, very private. I guess you could say that unless you know me real well, you don't really know me. The persona is solid and it's very difficult to let people in. I know I have issues and little by little I deal with them. I'd never be labeled "the great communicator."

Instead of hiding from my fears, I've basically asked them to tea.

I've accepted certain things about myself. What happened in the past is just that. I can't do anything about the past but I can certainly do something about my reactions to those triggers. That's probably one of the best things that I can say about being shackled by Fibromyalgia. It's opened me up to a medium where I'm forced to reveal me. It's absolutely mind boggling to me that I've been able to write about issues and fears. Not only can I write about them, I have no hesitation about posting these articles. I've discovered a great deal about myself and I've tapped into a creative side that I kept inside for so long.

I'll probably never be thankful that a car accident brought chaos and havoc to my life but maybe one day I will. I guess I'll never know until that day comes. What I can say is that no matter what door gets slammed shut I believe that God will open a window. Even on the days where I'm curled up in pain I know that I have a life purpose. Knowing that I can touch someones life, even one person's life, is a true joy.

I'm trying to convince myself of finding that joy deep inside right now. The humidity is 44% and snow is actually predicted for the higher end of town where I live. There were high wind warnings and some of the wind gusts were actually hurricane strength. Yesterday it was almost 70 degrees and today there was snow.

So after all of this, what does it mean?

For me it means that I still feel shackled and chained by the pain and fatigue that accompanies this invisible disease. I still feel that I have limitations on my body and limitations on what I am able to do on a daily basis. I still feel like a real old lady at times with the creaks and pops that my body makes. I still feel like I've been hit with a baseball bat when the muscles spasms start in my legs.

BUT.

As much as I feel shackled and chain I also know that I hold the key to my survival. I can make choices that will help with the management of pain. I can write and keep my emotional health on the upswing as well as my physical health. Anyone with a chronic illness needs to find sustenance to guide you through the pain, fatigue, disappointment and frustration that seems to follow us around. So, see the lock that keeps the chains wrapped tightly around us? We can turn the key. It may not get rid of all of them but at least we are the one that holds the key.

It's a good thing that I had brothers.

And that one of them taught me how to pick a lock.

Just sayin...........

IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE

2011-11-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

Fake flavor.

It's no wonder we have a problem.

And it's only the tip of the iceberg.

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist but I believe there is something to this. It all boils down to the consumer. Whatever it takes to make us buy, that's what the flavorists will do. Flavorists are scientists that specialize in the science of flavor. They use the field of chemistry to create natural and artificial flavors.

What it does is give processed food it's fabulous taste.

I mean, who didn't love McDonald's french fries? I could down a bag of fries before my husband could make it around the car. I'm definitely not a food snob but I've learned how to eat. I try not to eat processed food, however, every once in a while I like to sink my teeth into a Big Mac and fries. That is until I found out why I liked them so much.

Try that they used to fry them in a little cottonseed oil and beef tallow. I don't think they do that anymore but those fries used to be fantastic. Beef tallow? No wonder they were so fattening. Now they use "natural flavors." What have the chemists come up with to replicate that flavor?

I looked up strawberry shakes and I found that there are 59 chemicals in a fast food strawberry shake. There isn't a strawberry anywhere. Have the flavorists made processed food so attractive that the actual taste of real food tastes bland? I still say certain diseases seem a lot more prevalent now that when I was growing up. I hate to sound like an old lady and "my generation didn't do that" kind of thing but could the chemicals we have ingested for the last 40 years finally have caught up with us?

What have years of fast food done to us? I used to laugh and say the reason I don't have wrinkles is all the preservatives that I've eaten over the years. After looking at all of this it doesn't seem so funny anymore.

It's more like pathetic.

I think those of us with these invisible diseases or autoimmune issues need to be especially careful about what kind of food we put in our mouths. We need to read labels carefully. From what I've found out the only different between natural and artificial flavors is how they're distilled. That doesn't make me feel a whole lot better.

And let's not even start with that lovely little excitotoxin aspartame. Excitotoxins are chemicals, food additives or amino acids that over excite the brains neurons causing them to fire incessantly and burn out and die.

All these chemicals.

So many diseases.

And we wonder why............

We should be afraid.

Very afraid.

THANKS AND GIVING

2011-11-24T21:08:00.000-08:00

Being thankful.

Attitude of gratitude.

Is it easy?

It's definitely not easy to pull yourself out of yourself and think of all the blessings that you have in your life. Chronic pain makes you withdraw..........it likes it that way. All it wants you to do is focus on your pain. The pain tells you that it's for self-protection and that it's for the best.

The pain lies.

Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family. It's a time for giving and it's a time to be grateful for what we do have and are able to do. No matter how bad we feel...well, it could always be worse. I know that I'm guilty of letting pain shift my focus inward. I mean, let's face it, if the only thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm not a turkey.........well, you get the idea.

I need to stop and think.

Sometimes it's volunteering, or listening. Sometimes it might just be a smile. Gratitude is infectious even for the most cynical. I went to a church service and people were speaking about what they were thankful for this year. I was sitting there half listening and a man took his turn at the microphone and said he was grateful that he had his son for 17 years because his son went home to be with the Lord. I was shaken out of my complacency. I couldn't believe the dignity and grace that this man had in the face of such tragedy. It's hard for me to even write the words.

I can think of nothing worse.

So, I think I can look at "me" and be grateful. I don't mean that I'm playing Pollyanna or glossing over trials that can be faced in life. I just think we can still find blessings that we have all around us. Instead of my focus being negative (like it usually is) I need to find a way to be more positive. I know that I have to dig down real deep.

Wait.........this is making me sound like an ungrateful brat. That's not it at all and that's not me at all. I do know that there are others hurting as much and much more than I am. So what to do? It's still difficult to give when you feel like you don't have anything left in you. I have friends that I've met through blogging and they are HURTING.

It comes down to not only being grateful for what we do have but also giving to someone, ANYONE else. We need to move beyond ourselves. I realize that if I were to go to houses down the block and trade my problems for theirs I might just come to the conclusion that I don't have it so bad after all.

I may not have a back and neck that are in the greatest condition and I may have an illness that doesn't have a conclusive beginning or end BUT, all in all, I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. That, in itself, should keep me in an attitude of gratitude.

I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law.

That's the icing on the cake.

Cake??

Did someone say cake??

Oh yeah..........I did!!

Time for dessert and for that I am thankful!

JAR OF HEARTS

2011-11-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I've got a handle on my life.
Something comes up.
And it proves that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

You know.......I've learned how to handle pain. I've accepted that I have to find a different direction for my life. I've even tried to put the past behind me. I've congratulated myself that I was able to feel like I've buried one of the most hurtful situations of my life and moved on.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

My daughter asked how I felt about this particular issue. I really thought that I could take a highly charged emotional issue and put it aside. Running into it head on proved to me that there are some things in this life that will stay with me for my whole life and there isn't a thing I can do to change that.

I don't even think I want to try.

My daughter and I are practically cloned. When we give our hearts, either to some thing or someone, that's it. I don't know whether that kind of intensity is a good or bad thing. For her, it's very good. She has found the love of her life and they will both do everything in their power to keep it alive and stable. They have a love and respect for each other that's obvious to the people around them. It's not just the honeymoon phase that I'm talking about. It's a deep regard and love that has them putting each other first and foremost. Not to say that they haven't had issues but they have a commitment and their word is their bond. Nothing on this earth could make them break that vow they've made to each other.

It's truly a beautiful thing to witness.

I've experienced loss; of my parents and the loss of the people that I've loved more than life itself. I've felt gratitude that I've had the good fortune to feel that kind of love for another person. When it ended I thought the earth was going to open up and swallow me whole. It didn't and I didn't wither and die even though I felt like I would.

Now I've found out that I didn't move on like I thought I did. I've opened myself up for another dose of that soul-sucking feeling all because I got curious. Well, you know what they say about curiosity. That saying is absolutely true. Whenever I get curious I get in trouble. I have this penchant for putting everything to rest and it takes a great deal for me to do that. Fortunately, I don't normally make the same mistake twice.

I'm not going to dwell on it either.

For once in my life I'm not going to push the envelope. I'm going to keep my little Miss-fix-it hands out of it and trust that life will work itself out.

I like to say that.

Have I ever done it?

"Go with the flow" is not my forte.

BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS

2011-11-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

I always thought I thrived on stress.

I was wrong.

So what is the HPA Axis?

The HPA axis is the relationship between the hypothalamus, the pituitary and adrenal glands. Research is showing that people with Chronic Fatigue and/or Fibromyalgia have a real problem in this area.

The hypothalamus is at the base of the brain. It controls body temperature, hunger, thirst, mood, your sex drive and your sleep. The pituitary gland is also at the base of the brain. It controls our metabolism, blood pressure and stress response. The adrenals are at the top of the kidneys. They produce cortisol, adrenalin and norepinephine.

So basically dysfunction in this area causes low body temperature, digestion problems, problems in the immune system, problems with energy and problems in the response to stress trauma or injury and pain and those are just the highlights.

Does this sound familiar?

The stress response is the body protecting you. I loved the feeling of flight or fight and lived that way on a daily basis. It was more powerful than any drug. I was typical Type A and thought that was the way to really live. If I wasn't going at mach two with my hair on fire then I felt like a wimp. What is interesting is that many of the women I worked with in new home sales now suffer from Fibromyalgia. I don't think it's a coincidence either. We lived under high pressure, long hours and high intensity. The stress was unbelievable. What I didn't realize was that I was burning myself out. I don't think any of use had a clue what was happening to our bodies.

So what came first?

The chicken or the egg?

I'm not saying that any of us who are Type A personalities did this to ourselves. Did we have problems in this axis to begin with and then the stress just exacerbated the symptoms? Or did the stress and trauma put too much pressure on these glands and they weren't able to deal with it?

I remember the feeling. My muscles would tighten and my heart would beat faster. It seems like your senses are sharper. What I interpreted as daily living was my bodies way of protecting me. It would enable me to rise to the challenge of survival.

I was in survival mode.

To the max.

When the stress is greater than the body is able to tolerate you are at risk for a stress related disorder. The heart becomes more susceptible to disease because of the increased cortisol and adrenaline in your already compromised system. The body doesn't differentiate between physical and emotional stress. Stress is stress.

If chronic stress can rewire the brain then I must be really screwed up. The body needs to shut off the switch and therein lies the problem. The stress felt so normal for so long that it tends to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling but the price that you pay for that over-achieving, perfectionist, familiar feeling is a very heavy toll on your system.

You've basically put a big bulls eye on your back.

And back then I still didn't pay attention.

I pay attention now.

IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

2011-11-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

Tired.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Just try winding me up.

I've tried for several days to write this post. It just wasn't happening. I'm not even sure that I'll get through it tonight. I can't find the words and I can't find the energy. It's just one of those times when life comes at you.

And slams you into the ground.

I still didn't get through the post. It's been a couple of days since I've looked at it. Why? Well, let me start off with the death of my brother. I did know it was coming but I still wasn't prepared for it. I got the call at four in the morning and ran down to the hospital. He was already gone when I got there but I still wish I hadn't gone in the emergency room. I think we should all remember our loved ones in a "happier times" light. Now, when I think of him, I'll see the shell that was in the room. He had lung cancer and his body had wasted away to about 80 pounds. He looked so small but I pray he's finally at peace. Goodness knows that peace eluded him in this life.

I have good memories but a lot of conflicting ones as well. He chose to live his life in a way that was less than stellar. Our lives were so different that it was impossible to remain close to him. Maybe that's why it is still so strange to think that he's actually gone. I wish I felt more and I know that one some level I do but it's difficult to bring it forth. No matter how we lived our lives he was still my big brother. I also know that he was in as much emotional pain as he was in physical pain. All I know is that I've hurt a lot since his death. I don't do well with death and I recognize that but my body has a reaction stemming from my inability to deal with the inevitable.

It's funny. I really don't fear death. I fear the changes it has brought to my life and I fear how I get there but I'm at peace with what happens after. Strange isn't it?

Then there is the tooth fiasco. Another one decided to go on a rampage and it was off to the dentist. The shots of Novocaine were enough to make me bounce off the walls but the noise of the drill in my head put me over the edge. All of this happened last Friday and I'm not recovered from that either.

Oh, let me not forget the $800 it cost me to fix my car from the belts and power steering issues that it had.

Is it any wonder that I feel like I'm in "implode" mode?

It's like a storm that is developing over the Atlantic.

One day it's a tropical depression.

The next it's a category four hurricane.

LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

2011-10-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

I forgot the phrase.

If you play you will pay.

Today, I was reminded of that fact.

I had friends in town this week and I can feel every minute of it. On the one hand, it was wonderful to see friends that I've had for over forty years. Our high school class was rather unique. Even though we've gone our own way through life, a connection still remains. It's an easy camaraderie; and a knowledge that no how many miles separate us or how much times goes by, we can pick up a phone and we'd all be there for each other.

We went to dinner, lunches and on drives.
I'm exhausted.

I can't imagine living life in the fast lane again. As much as I'd like to be able to move at the speed of sound again, it just isn't happening. I felt like I was on overload. We took some pictures and I looked at myself happy and smiling.

I felt like a fake.

I fell into the usual trap. When asked how I was feeling I just replied, "fine." Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I'd get in the shower and when the water hit me it felt like it was battering my body. I'd get dressed and the clothes hurt. I really tried to put everything aside and concentrate on how wonderful it was to be with them but it just didn't work. After I took one of them to the airport, I drove home and slithered like a boneless mass of jelly into my bed.

I know that the exercise has helped me but combined with the hectic pace of the last few days, I was toast.

Why is that?

Could the flare have been caused by the sudden intense stress that I felt when I realized that I forgot my ipad in the rental car? The stress when I realized we had dropped it off over an hour before I missed it? Or by praying that I didn't get stopped by a police officer when I was driving 90 down the freeway? Or wanting to drop to my knees in gratitude when I found that the car hadn't been moved and the ipad was still in the front seat?

Can you believe I did that? Not only can I not move like I used to I still can't remember crap. I mean that's fine if it is a doctors appointment but when it's an ipad and your whole life is in that little thing.......well, it's not good at all.

So I'm in relaxation mode.

No, that's not correct.

I'm in slug mode.

And that feels pretty good.

CROSS MY HEART? NO.... MY HANDS

2011-10-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

Now, I know it's easy to confuse myself.

I just didn't realize that it would be a good thing.

A very good thing.

For some reason the pain that I feel, when the Fibromyalgia really starts to flare, is in my hands. I can tell when it's going to get real bad because I start rubbing the joints at the base of my fingers.

It starts as a dull ache and then it starts to throb.

I don't know why but it seems like I've been in almost a constant flare for the last few months. I've continued to go on but it it hasn't been easy. The humidity has been up slightly but when I've been this bad before the humidity has usually been higher. I'm not unduly stressed, so what is it?

It couldn't be the exercise could it?

Always before I would have used that as an excuse and opened up the fridge and buried myself in a cheesecake. Then, I'd quit. Years ago I had a trainer that came to the house and I worked out with him for an hour three times a week. Even after that workout, we'd walk to Wendy's or we went to get cheesecake. It didn't matter because I weighed about 115. I have quit more gym memberships than I can count.

But that was before.

Now, I've made it a part of my life. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy it. Due to a failing thyroid and an autoimmune thyroid issue as well, my cholesterol was hard to control. When all this started going haywire all of a sudden, my weight was hard to manage as well. Throw in some icky medication that causes weight gain and I was a disaster in the making. After a couple of months of going to the gym I got my first set of blood tests. For the first time in a very long time, everything was in the normal range. To say I was beyond elated was an understatement.

I suddenly got what I refused to believe all along.

Exercise really helps.

So, now I refuse to quit.

Well, back to the hands story. I was reading an article in the Daily Mail. It seems that crossing your arms confuses your brain and its response to pain. It doesn't take much to confuse my brain anymore but when you cross your arms over your chest, the brain can't figure out where the pain is coming from in your body.

Amazing, isn't it?

They did testing and found that peoples perception of pain was weaker when their arms were crossed. Part of the testing looked at how the body reacts to the signals of the brain on the right and left side of the body. If you put a glass of water to the right side of the body, most people will reach for it with their right hand. The same is true for the left side. It makes perfect sense to me. I know that the brain maps of the right and left side of your body and external space are linked together. If they are linked together, they are activated together and they react to painful stimuli together. If you cross your arms over your chest these areas are now longer linked, at least, that's what the researchers found. By crossing your arms the response to sensory stimuli, including pain, is lessened. I think it's a fascinating study and could lead researchers to different therapies that could help chronic pain sufferers.

Now I have a legitimate reason for my brain to be confused.

As if I really needed an excuse................

ONE AMAZING LIFE

2011-10-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

It doesn't happen often.

But when you get to witness it.

It's something to behold.

I don't think you can teach visionary leadership; well, not the kind of vision and leadership Steve Jobs had. Either you have it or you don't and it doesn't come around very often. It's something that is in the depth of your soul and you've been given the rare gift to be able to tap it and bring it forth. Most of us are trapped by our fears but there is a great lesson to be learned from one extraordinary life.

Live each day as if it were your last.

One day you'll be right.

It's very true. When given a diagnosis of a terminal illness, everything falls away and nothing seems to matter. All the drive for success and all the interest in the material things of this world mean nothing. Fear falls away because time is short.

He lived every day with that thought front and center.

I can only stand back and reflect. The profound effect of a life that changed the cellular industry forever; changed the way we think of acquiring music, the impact on technology alone is staggering. My introduction to Apple started with the ipod and I never looked back. I not only didn't look back but I can't imagine my life without an iPhone, an iPod and an iPad. I can't imagine not having an App store or iTunes.

It's true.
People with passion can change the world for the better.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking.

Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition.

They somehow already know what you truly want to become.

Everything else is secondary."

Steve Jobs

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN

2011-10-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to catch a break.

It's raining again.

Ow.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again.

See?

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing.

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle relaxers.........zip, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.

Ow......

Ow..........

Ow........

THE FIBRO TRAVELLING SIDE SHOW

2011-09-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

What causes Fibromyalgia?

Pick a card.

Any card.

It seems that everyone has an opinion on what causes Fibromyalgia. It's almost as if they want to pin it on anything and everything but a neurological malfunction. Heaven forbid there would actually be something wrong with us. Some of the opinions are, in my mind, just absurd.

Let's reduce it to the ridiculous.
Obesity.

Obesity as the reason for Fibromyalgia just cracks me up. First of all, if any sort of movement causes pain and your energy levels are in the toilet, it just makes sense that you would probably add a few pounds because of the inactivity. People that have Fibromyalgia remember the days with longing when they could run around and not get beat up. Most people would love to be able to exercise without feeling like they got hit by a truck afterward. Now, to add to this ridiculous theory, let's add the medications that are sometimes prescribed. The first one that comes to mind is the one that is touted by my favorite commercial of all time as the little magic pill that will give you your life back.

Yep.
Lyrica.

Even on the commercial one of the first things they happen to mention as a little, tiny, minor side effect is weight gain. Now, I'm not one to tell someone what they need to take to manage their pain but, as for me, hell will freeze over before I take something that will make me gain weight. Yes, I have food and perfection issues but that's another story altogether. Even some of the antidepressants and nerve pain medications also have weight gain as a side effect. I'm not saying that weight gain won't exacerbate the symptoms or that it's a healthy lifestyle. We've all been there and have struggles with different issues but what Mensa candidate came up with this as the cause of Fibromyalgia?

Next.

Then there's the vitamin deficiency theory. I rather like this one. It is just one step away from the it's-all-in-your-head theory. Just pop a ton of vitamins and voila! Your symptoms will magically disappear! Right after that there's the dietary theories. If we stop eating, get ready for this, eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lentils, bok choy, cabbage, kale, asparagus, leeks, rutabagas, onions, garlic, shallots, papaya, dried fruits, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, meat, poultry and fish, we will be cured. It's true. As I looked up dietary restrictions this is the list of foods I found. Basically, when you put all the recommendations together, there's nothing left to eat.

Needless to say, no one can agree on dietary recommendations either.

I think that making adjustments to our diets is healthy but will it cure us? I don't think so. I'm not a doctor but none of this stuff makes any sense to me. If it was that simple it would have been done and over with already. We'd all be going back to our lives that we had before havoc struck. I am of the persuasion that my Fibromyalgia was the result of the trauma from a car accident. I've said it before but most of us can pinpoint exactly what happened that caused our lives to be on the roller coaster. I firmly believe Fibromyalgia is caused by some sort of trauma to the body or there is a genetic predisposition. It can be physical or emotional trauma and by emotional I don't mean you just had a bad day. I'm sure these theorists have gone over that one too. That's the you're-just-depressed-take-a-pill-and-go-home-theory. Don't you just really love that one? Thank goodness there's credible research being done but I just love it when the media posts articles making it seem like we're a bunch of looney tunes.

Oops.......I forgot to mention................

Did you know that there's a secret cure for Fibromyalgia?

The government doesn't want you to know.................

Sheesh..............

OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT

2011-09-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

You'd think I'd learn.

Nope.

I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

When I started feeling like I was strong and then started spouting off about it as well, I set myself up for the Fibromyalgia to make me eat my words. It kind of falls under the category of never say never.

I wasn't disappointed.

Just when I thought that I found a place that the pain couldn't touch, well, it found its way in. It took everything I could do to continue to walk. Not only did it take every bit of concentration and a discipline I didn't know I possessed to continue but I had to wrap my ankles and feet in ace bandages. Everything felt weak and I ended up stopping every five minutes to give myself a break.

I didn't want to write anything either.

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say but couldn't find the words? I kept reading some of the comments that I'd gotten from the prior post. Needless to say, I was so unbelievably touched by them. If there's anything that's powerful it has to be the support of the wonderful women that respond to the posts on this blog. Whenever one of us feels like giving up or loses the will to fight, these women are right by your side to extend their hand to pull you back up. When one of us has a triumph or accomplishment they are also there to applaud.

There's power in people and friendship.

So I'm back to looking for that special place where personal power supersedes the pain. I think I've got the discipline down but what I haven't figured out is the hiding. I've got quite a few emails that I've ignored. I just don't have it in me to explain. I feels like it's just too much to put on anyone else. I know that it's just me; I'm very sure others don't feel that way but in hiding I can reclaim my balance and when it's there I will be ready to face the world again.

Why is that?

There is still a small amount of hope as I write this. I need to get out but at least I'm still continuing to move. I'm hoping the weather will break and the fall weather will set in. I do pretty well in the fall and winter. I know that the cold weather really bothers some people with Fibromyalgia but I seem to thrive in it. It's the heat and humidity that does me in......make that heat and/or humidity. Any combination messes me up. Even when the weather is good I still wake up feeling like the Tin Man who hasn't gotten a shot from the oil can.

Creaky joints and aching muscles: such and attractive package, isn't it?

I just think it's so funny (well, not funny) that when I start feeling a little strong, I have to go and open my mouth and announce it. I should have waited and reevaluated myself after a few weeks. This way I wouldn't feel as stupid. It's like praying and asking God for patience. You just don't do that because you've set yourself up for a real doozy of a test.

So it's not as bad as it could be.

It's not as bad as it has been.

But it's still not what it should be.

I don't think I should start singing "Eye of the Tiger" just yet.

INVISIBLE AND STRONG

2011-09-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

Another year.

We're still invisible.

How can that be?

We're still smiling through the tears. When people ask how we are we still say, "fine." We still get irritated at the Lyrica commercial and we still are disbelieved by doctors. We hesitate to talk about the tons of symptoms that pick and choose which day they will decide to appear.

We even doubt ourselves and each other at times.

No matter what I still hate feeling out of control in my own skin. I hate waking up in pain and I hate to go to bed in pain. What I hate even more is appearing weak. I hate the fact that I have to say that I have Fibromyalgia. When people ask what it is, I hate telling them. I hate having to explain what the pain has done to my life.

We now have limitations and before there were none. We now look at life in a totally different way. Even when the pain levels subside there is a place within us that knows it's only a matter of time before it will rear its ugly head again. The pain and fatigue makes you retreat and the feeling of uselessness comes over you like a wave crashing on the shore.

Can we ever be the same again?
Yes and no.

I am just coming out of a place where the pain was strong and intense. It threatened to place me back in the black hole; a place I don't ever want to be again. I escaped the dark but it was close.

What was different this time?

Right now I'm in a place that I haven't been in many years. I'm feeling strong; definitely not physically strong but mentally strong. I'm feeling a strength of purpose and it keeps me from going down in depression. I'm walking every day and it's helped more than I can say. It takes oxycodone to do it but whatever it takes is what I'll do. I wake up in the morning in pain...that hasn't changed but I have realized that the pain isn't going to go away so I need something to overcome it. Let me make this clear. I don't believe that the walking will overcome the pain but what it does is overcome what the pain can do to me.

I'm not going to stand on a soapbox and say this is the avenue for everyone. What I will say is that there's a place in all of us where we can go and be strong. I know this because we have the strength to endure the kind of pain that we do on a daily basis. We all have a very high pain threshold and people don't understand that.

But we do.

So what I'll say is that I pray for all of us to look deep inside and find that place where pain cannot touch us.

It's there.

I know it.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

2011-09-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

What an ordeal.

It's still humid.

I still hurt.

I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't even believe how bad and intense the pain has been this time around. This reminds me of when I first got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The pain blew past voodoo and settled firmly into OMG-MAKE IT STOP!

The pain was staggering.

I've spent the last few days between muscle relaxers and pain medication. I've continued to walk even though it's taken oxycodone to do it. I became reclusive and silent again, simply because the pain took precedence.

Lately it has hurt to move, it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to put your feet on the floor, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to walk, it hurts to type, it hurts to move your hands and it even hurts to think.

So now what to do?

It's still humid and the pain level has come down slightly. It was at 9 and right about now I'd say it's about a 7 and a half. I never thought I'd be grateful for the pain level but I am grateful for every little tick downward.

There are more thunderstorms forecast so I'm on high alert. The humidity is notorious for wreaking havoc on my system and it's hovering around 70%. The storms have been very strong and there could be more of the same for tonight.

You know what they say.

When you can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

It's probably the train coming at you.............

Full speed.