Seeking Sanity

Well, That Didn't Take Long

2012-02-10T08:44:00.000-06:00

Less than twenty-four hours after he got his first two-wheeler Ben was riding it down the street.

Todd came home from work early, we outfitted Ben in his brand new helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist pads, bundled up in warm clothes and headed out into the 35 degree weather to do a little biking. I stayed inside and watched from the window while I waited for Grace to wake up from her nap. Todd set Ben up on the bike held on to the back of the seat for a second and then Ben rode the rest of the way down the driveway by himself. The first try and he was up and running. Sure he forgot how to turn (or brake) and kept going straight into the ditch on the other side of the road, but he did it! I grabbed my camera and the video camera and rushed outside to capture the magic. He was a pro!

Ten minutes later the older boys came home from school. As they were dismounting the bus they saw Ben on his bike and ran screaming and clapping towards him as he biked to them. He was so happy for the accolades that he ran off the road into another ditch.

No matter. He got back on and tried again.

Up and down the street he rode. Each time he got a little better.

Soon Tommy and Joey were on their bikes too, showing him the art of how to get started peddling by himself and how to turn around the big cul de sac.

After one or two attempts Ben no longer needed Todd to start him off and he could do it all by himself. We were all overjoyed for him.

It is hard to be the youngest brother. Always watching the older boys do things you only dream of doing. Now Ben has one less obstacle standing in his way. Now he too can fly down the street with the big boys.

We were outside for almost two hours yesterday watching Ben go back and forth, back and forth. Tommy and Joe tired of biking and played football and soccer, and still Ben continued to go up and down our street.

I was expecting today to be filled with more biking but even as I write the snow is coming down quickly in big, fat flakes outside. Go figure. The boys spend the entire winter begging for snow and now when they want warmer weather to ride bikes it snows. Isn't that always how it goes? Oh well. Seeing as how we haven't even had an inch of snow, cumulatively, all year here I don't think we can complain.

Besides, there will be plenty of time to bike this summer. And I can't wait.

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

Baby Boy

2012-02-08T20:55:00.002-06:00

My baby boy is no longer a baby.

He no longer needs 5 nukies to fall asleep with.

The crib has long been gone.

No more banging his head into people he likes.

No more peeing on mama (on purpose) during diaper changes.

No more guessing what he is trying to say.

My baby boy is now five years old.

He has a brand new two wheeler.

He sleeps on the top bunk.

He is a tornado fanatic.

A lover of sports and the great outdoors.

He is a gentleman.

Easy going.

Kind.

Funny.

Loud.

Forgiving.

Affectionate.

He talks nonstop and we always know what he is saying.

Whatever it is he is up for it.

He is no longer a baby.

But he will always be my baby.

I love you my baby boy, and I am so proud to be your mama.

Happy Birthday, Ben!

Winner!

2012-02-06T11:29:00.001-06:00

The thing about a good book is that even after it comes to it's neat and tidy conclusion you go to bed wondering what the characters are up to. You find yourself thinking about them like long lost friends. "I wonder how Sadie is doing with her new boss now." you think as you fall asleep at night.

It had been so long since I picked up a book, I'm embarrassed to even say how long, but reading Whipped, Not Beaten reminded me just how much I really loved reading. I went to bed thinking about the characters. I was sad when the I closed the book for the last time. It awakened a part of me that I had forgotten about.

Because of that book I have finally read Pride and Prejudice. A book I have always wanted to read and finally took the time to finish. Reading olde English is always very hard on me (if this doesn't make sense to you, please read this.). I end up reading every paragraph two and three times to catch the meanings. But I did it. And I enjoyed it.

After that I read Water for Elephants. I was enthralled. As soon as I put that book down I picked up The Time Travelers Wife. I finished that one as well. Then I went on to The Help. Such an amazing book. Two weeks have gone by and I am already on my sixth book. This time it's Dear John. I haven't read six books in the last three years, much less in the last two weeks.

So, I want to thank Melissa for not only entertaining me with Whipped, Not Beaten, but also for getting me back to something that I love and didn't even realize I'd been missing.

I know you have all waited far too long for me to announce the winner of your very own copy of Whipped, Not Beaten. Without further ado, the winner is....

Mom24 at 4EverMom!!!!!

Woohoo!!! Congratulations! I love reading her blog and she is such a great mama she deserves to escape a little into a good book! Thanks for playing along everyone!

Back

2012-02-03T10:02:00.002-06:00

It's been a while. I haven't written a post in longer than I had planned, but life got in the way. In a good way. I've been drinking it in.

I guess it all started with my friend's funeral. It was as devastating as you would imagine. Her 9 year old son was brave and strong for his family as he got up and read the second reading at the mass. I thought my heart was going to explode. But even more painful was watching him walk behind his mother's casket, clinging to his father. I think that may be ingrained in my memory for life.

After the funeral I sat and spun for a while. Meaning, I was a little morose and down for a bit. The "why?" and the "how?" kept coming to my mind. But you can only sit and spin for so long. I had to snap out of it. And if there is anything positive to come from something so horrendous it is that it really does make you want to appreciate what you have when you have it and to the very fullest. Enjoy every moment. And that is what I have been busy doing.

Well, I have been enjoying as much as I could as a nasty cold blew through our household. Todd was terribly sick for a week and I have been fighting it for almost that long as well. But still, I've been enjoying. Since my trip to Oklahoma and the funeral I feel like I have finally been seeing my life for what it is. How lucky I am. How much I've got. It is overwhelming. I've been soaking it all in as much as I can.

Life is so short. And for so long I've been afraid of death. Of stopping. Ceasing. I feel guilty even writing that down, but it is true. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just thinking about not being here. Or anywhere. Just ceasing to be. Like I never even existed. As a Christian, I feel guilty for having such thoughts. I am supposed to have faith. But these thoughts creep in. I watch shows about life after death and they are somewhat comforting, and then these little terrors seep back into my head.

But that dream I had. It was just too real. And too coincidental. It gave me such peace. Peace I was hoping to get from my dad after he passed. A visit. A confirmation. But it never came. Instead I found it from a grade school girlfriend that I hadn't spoken with in years. Life is funny like that sometimes, I guess.

And anyway, here I am. Trying to live it up. And enjoy. And appreciate. And do my best. Be my best. Spend a little less time on my computer and all my time on what matters to me. Whether it is making cookies with the kids, snuggling with the hubby, cooking dinner, reading all the books I've been meaning to read for so long, taking walks in the woods, taking a bath, I'm doing it all. And I'm trying my best not to take it for granted.

Not Fair

2012-01-20T13:13:00.003-06:00

Life. Is not fair.

As I'm basking in a post vacation appreciation for my family and my life in general other peoples' hopes and dreams are crashing around them.

So many times I sat down at the computer to write about it but words fail me.

36 years old is just too young to die.

Tomorrow I will go to my friend's funeral. Though I have not seen her in a couple of years I will always think of her as a close friend. Steph and I were introduced in third grade and immediately liked each other. When we found out we only lived two blocks from each other that friendship grew even more as we would run over to each other's houses every day. The walks to and from school that I used to dread had become full of laughs and fun. It was a beautiful friendship. The kind of friendship that changes you. Helps you become who you are. I am forever indebted to her.

High school came and inevitably we went our separate ways as we discovered different interests. Still, we were always happy to see each other. Once in a while our group of five close girlfriends that we had in grade school would get together in our adulthood and marvel at where life had taken us all. We really haven't been best friends since middle school but every time I saw Steph in recent years the bond was still right there.

While I was visiting my best friend, Sarah, in Oklahoma last week we talked about Steph. We wondered how her health was holding up these days and hoped that no news was good news. The night I got back from Oklahoma I had a dream about Steph. In the dream she was tall and slender with long blond hair. I marveled at how beautiful she was, her hair pulled back in a stunning ponytail. She practically floated as she ran and danced around. She looked better than I had ever seen her. I was so happy. Over and over again in my dream I said to myself, "Yay! She must be completely healthy again! I am so happy for her! She looks absolutely amazing!" as I watched her rejoicing.

I woke up from that dream a little worried. I don't recall ever dreaming about Steph before and the fact that she looked so much like an angel in my dream made me wonder if she had passed away. Two days later I got the message that she did pass away (the night I had the dream). I don't know if that dream was God's way of comforting me. I don't know if Steph was trying to tell me how happy she is now. But I really feel it wasn't just a dream. I think I should be happy for her. But it is hard.

Steph was married to her dream man. She had the family she has always wanted. A 9 year old boy, a 6 year old girl, and a little 3 year old boy. She was ecstatic about her life. The only thing that keeps running through my head is that horrible scene in Terms of Endearment when the mother is saying goodbye to her children in the hospital. Oh God. How? Why?

Steph kept telling everyone that God has a plan. We may not know what it is, but God has a plan. I know that is true. But it sure is hard to accept.

I also know that God didn't give Steph cancer. I know that God does not bring bad things to us. Bad things happen because this is an imperfect and sometimes really crappy world. I know we are all here for a very short time. But still. I am just so sad.

Please pray for Steph's beautiful family that God is there to comfort them and bring them peace. Pray for Steph's husband that God gives him strength to get through and many shoulders to lean on when he needs them. Pray for Steph's children to feel her near them all through their lives and always know her love for them. Pray for Steph's mom who will be missing her best friend. Pray for Steph's dad and brother who always admired and adored her. And pray for all Steph's friends who feel the void.

Pray. That's all we can do. Pray and hug our loved ones tight every chance we get.

Home Sweet Home

2012-01-17T10:43:00.000-06:00

It was a wonderful trip. The kind of vacation that leaves you with a total of 8 hours of sleep for three nights kind of wonderful. The kind of trip that isn't overshadowed by the cancelled flights, delayed planes, and nasty flight attendants. The kind of trip where hanging out with your best friend in the hotel room laughing until your face hurts is just as much fun as going dancing and to karaoke and shopping at a mall for the first time since you can remember. The kind of trip where you talk and laugh and shout over loud music so much that you loose your voice.  The kind of trip that makes you cry as you board your plane because you realize just how much you are going to miss your best friend.

And yet the best part of the trip turns out to be the realization of how much you truly love your life. I guess that is why going away once in a while is so important. If you never go away you may never realize how good it feels to come home. Being able to come back to my family makes me look back on my younger, wilder days fondly, and not wistfully.  This is a good life. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I walk in the door and see Grace sitting on the toilet. "MOMMA!!!!!!!" she squeals at me. She nearly falls off the toilet as she reaches out for me. All three of the boys hear Grace and come running into the bathroom. There the five off us stand, hugging and kissing and jumping up and down, Grace bouncing on the toilet.  Todd comes downstairs from vacuuming and wraps me up in his arms. The first thing out of his mouth is, "I do not want your job." I laugh because I feel so lucky to have my job back again. Home, sweet home.

As soon as my bags are brought into the house presents are handed out to the kids and they go about playing with the little airplanes for the remainder of the night. It is manic. They are running and screaming and laughing and chasing. I can tell Todd has had enough of that over the weekend but the noise is music to my ears. Sounds of home. Ever so often one of the kids runs up to me and tells me again how much they missed me and how glad they are that I'm home. Home, sweet home.

Now here I sit in my bathroom watching Grace splash in the oversized tub. She sings along with the radio and tells me silly stories. I keep my eye on the clock to make sure I give myself plenty of time to pick Ben up from school in this crazy snowstorm we're having, and make plans for hot chocolate and a nice fire if swim classes are cancelled tonight.   It is my mission to make home as sweet for them as they make it for me.

Home, sweet home.

Just Write- Leaving

2012-01-11T20:27:00.002-06:00

It was never what I expected when I pictured being a mom. Every one I knew had girls. All my dolls growing up were girl dolls. I babysat for girls. My sister had three girls.  I never imagined boys in the picture for me. Then one after another, boy, boy, boy.

Three boys. I never imagined it, but it was the most amazing surprise.

I think finally having a girl made me even more awed by and thankful for my boys. Is that possible? I think so. And I mean it in the nicest way possible. It's hard to explain.

Before I had my girl I pictured myself as a mom with three boys. I would watch them follow their daddy and take interest in every little thing he did. Todd's little shadows. These little men, so different than what I knew before. They were a mystery to me. I felt a little left out at times.  Now I have a little one following me around, watching my every move, and it helps me to appreciate the connection my boys have with Todd on a different level. And it also helps me see the unbelievably deep connection I have with each of the boys too. Having my girl now enables me to see how truly wonderful having boys is. Don't get me wrong. I love my girl. You all know that. She is my soul mate. She completes me. I've dreamed of her all my life. Without her, I just don't know. But these boys. They love me so completely. And without condition. It is unlike anything I've known before. And now having my girl in the picture allows me to sit back and really drink in these wonderful little men that surround me.

At the end of the night I have these three boys piling on top of me. The four of us sitting in the recliner. All of them telling me I'm beautiful. I'm "the best mommy" they've ever had. The most beautiful lady they've ever seen. Their love and devotion to me is unfathomable. All the times I think back and remember how I've failed them. How I could have done better. How I know they deserve more. And yet, they love me like this. These boys of mine. So protective. So forgiving. So unconditional. How do I deserve this? "Somewhere in my youth, or childhood, I must have done something good."

Surrounded by these fantastic little men and a fabulous little lady. Never in my wildest dreams did I see this coming. Yet here I am.

Grace comes trouncing over to the recliner that is already overflowing with mommy and boys and insists on joining us. I fear the chair may break, but we help her to climb up with us anyway. The boys get frustrated as elbows and knees jab here and there and one by one they slide off onto the floor. Soon it is just Grace and I on the chair. I think this was her intention all along. She takes her sweaty little hands and places them on my face and yells, "Lemme kiss or cheeks!" and lays a big, wet smooch on me. Then she looks deep in my eyes and whispers to me, "You are da mos pecious mumma, eber!"

Tommy cries when he remembers I am going on a trip and will be gone for a few days. It takes me aback because he is the biggest daddy's boy of them all and I know he will relish the alone time with Todd. Still, he is the one throwing fits, begging me to stay. He wants me here and wrote me a letter while he was in school telling me how he will miss me. I wonder why he loves me so when I look back on my nagging, crazy, nonstop mothering. But he loves me.

I don't dare tell Grace I am leaving.   She doesn't even like me to run out and get the mail without her. She is her mama's girl and I fear how this trip will affect her. Deep down, I know she will be okay. My girl. And my boys. I never imagined I would be this lucky They love me. Unconditionally. And sometimes, undeservedly. But they love me. And it makes me want to stay...

(Realize that I was supposed to link up on Tuesday for Just Write but I didn't make it in time. I wrote it late on Tuesday night, so that should count for something. Either way, this is my Just Write post, a day late.)

Review and Giveaway

2012-01-10T17:29:00.006-06:00

I can't remember if she found me first or if I found her. All I know is that I was immediately impressed. A Packer loving, eco friendly, Wisconsin mother of three boys. She is Melissa from Green Girl in Wisconsin.

The more I read her blog the more she inspires me. She is such a wonderful mother. Outdoorsy and fun, involved and strong. I love reading about her wonderful boys and their adventures in the woods behind their house. And I'm always awed at all of her efforts and ideas on how to save the world. I have her to thank for getting me to buy my favorite reusable grocery bags. Such a little step, yet I am grateful beyond belief. She has me thinking about gardening and composting in ways that I never had before. More, I can do that, rather than, that is cool for everyone else. And for God's sake, she is a freaking 2nd degree black belt in karate. A serious ass kicker. Could I be more envious or impressed? I love her. And guess what else she did. She wrote a book.

Of course when I heard that I wanted to be one of the first to read it.

Whipped, Not Beaten is such a fun, witty book. I wish I would have saved it for my trip to Oklahoma. It is the perfect book to read on a three hour layover in Chicago, but I just couldn't wait that long to crack it open.

Sadie Davis is craving change. Recently dumped and working for a boss she despises, she is determined to shake up her life as a single woman in the city of Madison. She takes a side job as a home party consultant selling kitchenware, hoping that it will be the spice that turns her life around. Through failed recipes and cold ovens, Sadie works to create something that’s a bit sweeter, a lot richer, and oh, so very delicious.

A book about a single woman living in Madison?   I can relate to that!  There were so many parts of the book that I just said "YES!" to, remembering my single days in Madison. I love the mention of specific bars and places I went to and places I'd loved.  It made me feel I was in the story.

I am so proud of Melissa.  She is such an inspiration in so many ways.  Every time I read a book like this I think, "I should really write a book!" It inspires me. It drives me. Then I realize I don't have a storyline.   Or anything to write about.  Or anything witty to say. Or a writing degree. Okay, forget it. I won't write a book. But it is still inspiring.

If you are looking for a fun, witty book to read pick up Whipped, Not Beaten.

And if you want a FREE, fun, witty book to read just comment on this post. I have a copy of Whipped, Not Beaten that I am giving away. And if you absolutely can not wait for me to get back from vacation to draw your name for the giveaway go to Whipped, Not Beaten  , and order your own copy.

Way to go, Melissa!!!!!

Taking Turns

2012-01-09T13:59:00.003-06:00

Tommy has been waiting for this for a long time.

Patiently, Tommy stood by and cheered Joey on through all three of his Student of the Month awards. Now that Tommy is a big 'ol first grader he can receive the prestigious award as well and he has been doing all he can to achieve it. So careful in his work, trying his best, a flawless attitude.

Today it was Tommy's turn to receive his Student of the Month award.

Today it was his turn to get the applause and pose for the picture.

Today it was their turn to cheer him on.
Way to go, Tommy! I knew you could do it! Congratulations!

Soon I will be taking my own turn as well.

For the past few years Todd has been the one to take little trips and getaways. A few hunting trips. A visit or two with friends. Each time he would come back home, thank me for the time away, and urge me to take a mini vacation of my own. It just was never that easy for me to get away. I have a few close friends but they all live far away. If I wasn't pregnant or breastfeeding a baby than my friends were. The last time I was away from my family (it was just for one night) was three years ago when my best friend and I went to a concert and I was pregnant with Grace. It has been a while.

On Thursday I am flying to Oklahoma (all by myself) to visit my bestie. Our lives have finally synced up and made it possible for a little getaway. I booked a hotel for two nights so that she can get away a little bit too. I am so excited.

And...

I am nervous. I used to love flying. Now it just seems like another way to leave my beautiful children motherless. I know I am in more danger driving my car to the airport than actually flying on the plane (trust me I thought about car accidents too much as well) but I am still paranoid. It is a wonder I am not a shut-in with all the craziness that goes through my head.

And, (don't yell at me) I feel guilty too. I know it is silly but I feel guilty for leaving Todd with the kids for four days. I know that is crazy. He just went hunting and was gone for a week. And he is thrilled that I am finally getting away. But I still feel guilty. I know it is "our" money but the fact that I don't physically make any money makes me feel especially guilty spending it this way. Again, Todd would roll his eyes and tell me that is silly but that's how I feel.

Mostly, though, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have such a capable and willing partner that is excited to give me this opportunity for a little me time. I am thankful that I will get to spend time with my oldest and dearest friend, to see her new house, meet her new friends, and hang out with her and her family. I'm thankful that I know my kiddos will be in good hands and that I will not have to worry about them at all. And, I am thankful that I have such a loving hubby who is more than happy to take turns.

Bad Baker

2012-01-06T09:00:00.011-06:00

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

In our old house, in my tiny kitchen, I would bake dozens and dozens of cookies every week. My boys would position themselves on the stools around the counter, one or other of my babies playing on the floor under my feet, and we would make cookies together. Now here in the new house, with my spacious kitchen and counter space galore, I've made cookies only a few times. I don't know why.

Inspired by the new year I decided to start baking again.

All the boys were at school when I called Grace to me to assist in the cookie making. Thrilled, she hopped up on the stools and began mixing the cinnamon and sugar for our Snickerdoodles.

"Gentle, Gracie! Gentle! Don't spill it all over the floor!" I sweetly warned again and again.

"Kay, mumma." she would reply.

"Careful! Don't squish the dough, honey! Roll them gently!" I repeated as she dragged the doughballs through the sugar.

"Kay, mumma." she kept answering patiently.

"NO! Don't poke your finger in the cookies! We don't want big holes in them!" I scolded.

"Sowy, mum." Grace apologized.

"ACK! Don't cough on the cookies! You have to turn your head sweetie! If you are gonna make cookies with mumma you have to be very careful not to cough or sneeze on the cookies!" I protested.

"Uh-huh." Grace said absentmindedly.

"Grace! Stop smashing the cookies! I don't want you to do that!" I said for the fifteenth time.

Grace paused and furrowed her brows.

"You sassy, mumma!" Grace wagged her finger at me finally having had enough.

"What?" I asked taken aback.

"You sassy when you make cookies." Grace told me.

Maybe that's why I stopped making cookies.

Just Write

2012-01-03T15:22:00.000-06:00

Today is the coldest day we've had so far. It has been a mild winter making today's 16 degrees seems even colder. The furnace turns on often to keep the chill out and the sound of it makes me so sleepy. So comforting.

The two littles are still napping and I curl my feet up under me in the chair, pull the blanket up under my chin, and stare at the colorful lights on the bare Christmas tree. Feeling motivated and energized the kids and I took all of the ornaments off both of the trees yesterday and packed them away for another year. But when it came time to take the trees to their resting place I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The glow of the lights just too inviting.

Normally by this time I am itching to get my house back to normal. Not only would the Christmas trees be packed away but my winter decorations would be down to the bare minimum as well. This year I am hanging on just a little longer. Enjoying it just a bit more.

Soon the boys will be home from school. Homework will be done. Snacks handed out. Then off to swim classes we'll go. Ever on the move.

For now I sit in my chair enjoying the glow.

Starting Out Right

2012-01-01T22:36:00.001-06:00

We celebrated the New Year Eve with:

appetizers and juice in wine glasses

comfy clothes

skipped naps

favorite movies and home movies

a roaring fire

dancing to New Years Rockin Eve

toasts to health and happiness and peace

four sweaty kids racing around the living room on a sugar high

stuffed bellies

shirtless kids crashed out on the floor (and in bed by 9)

kisses at midnight

We celebrated New Years Day with:

no hangovers

large (multiple) cups of coffee

a fresh snowfall blanketing the grass

huge snowflakes whirling in the air

cinnamon rolls for breakfast

playing with LEGOS

a brisk winter walk

a pizza party at our house

a very tense but rewarding Packer game

more skipped naps

time with family

early bedtimes

I love New Years. I feel it is important to celebrate it. Celebrate the hope that a new year brings. Celebrate making it through the previous year. Celebrate the triumphs and let go of the sorrows. It is about constantly moving forward. Trying harder. Being better. Doing more. Striving.

So much can happen in a year. Life can really change. It is so exciting to think of all the possibilities for a new year, and yet a little scary as well. You never can tell what will be thrown your way. Good or bad. All you can do is hold on tight, hang on for the ride, and pray for strength to get you through whatever you may face. But no matter what happens you keep going. Another year. Another day. Another chance.

Here's hoping for a peaceful and joyful year, and the strength to get through challenges that will surely come.

Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

Rounding Out The Year

2011-12-31T09:28:00.001-06:00

It's the very last day of the year.

It's been a good year. Fairly uneventful, which is just how I like it. Sure there were tough spots, but I think the good far outweighed the bad and that in itself is a blessing.

This past week has been much like our year. Lots of good with a little bit of stink thrown in once in a while.

The kids were out of their minds preChristmas, as you would imagine. I spent my time finishing up last minute shopping and taking them to museums and to see Santa. Yes, we already saw Santa at Cabela's but we have a favorite spot to see Santa in our city that has an amazing winter wonderland/Santa's workshop display. I went there as a little kid and not much has changed. I love it. It is a must every year.

Christmas morning came and went too quickly. As it always does.

Christmas Eve and Christmas was spent at the grandparents houses. A good time was had by all. We had some mysterious vomit show up here and there as a strange 12 hour puke bug made an appearance (to each of us at different times) at our house throughout our Christmases and beyond. However it all seemed to happen at night and everyone always woke up "healthy" and fine so we made it through fairly well.

The kids had one day to play with and enjoy all of their toys. They spent all of their time play camping in the basement with their new tents and sleeping bags or building complex LEGO sets in the library. I spent all of my time cleaning up the Christmas mess and putting the house back in order.

On Tuesday we made the trek to the cabin for some north woods fun.

It was pretty cold but we bundled up and spent all of our time outside anyway. Todd and the boys checked the ice to make sure it was thick enough,

and when they discovered it was safe Grace came out to join them. With the help of her big brother, of course.

I even got to ride a snowmobile for the first time in my life. It was cold. I should have put a hat on.

Todd took turns giving the kids a ride on the snowmobile while Molly chased after.

And don't worry, he went very slow. I was super paranoid about not having any helmets (that fit) just yet but Todd was super cautious.

Then, much to the kids' excitement, Todd hooked up the sled and took all four of them for a nice slow stroll across the lake. Again, Molly chased after them. I never was one who liked snowmobiles much but I must admit that getting these two sleds at the deal we got them has already paid off. It was fun.

The next day we all went skiing. All of us. Grace even got fitted for her first ski boots (I think they were pretty big on her, but she didn't care).

Todd and I took turns taking Grace down the hill (we held her in between our legs) and helping Ben down the hill. The first hour was mass hysteria. The kids had to remember how it all worked and Todd and I were sweating trying to help everyone get the hang of it again. The boys kept falling down and couldn't figure out how to get up. Todd and I would rush over and help one and then another one's ski would pop off and we would have to rush over and fix that too. It was a workout.

After that first hour it started to get better. Joey and Tommy were going up and down the hill by themselves and Ben was getting it too. He started to learn how to turn and stop and even held on to the tow rope by himself. Just as it was starting to get to be a lot of fun I got a migraine. Go figure. Grace was ready to call it quits anyway so she and I went inside while the boys continued to ski. I took some medicine right away which helped it from getting too bad, but it was still a big bummer. It was the perfect skiing day. I would have liked to stay out there all day.

Eventually the boys came in and had lunch with Grace and I before heading back out for another couple of hours for more skiing. They did great! You'd think that would have been enough to wear them out but when we got back to the cabin the boys were right back out on the ice again. Safe to say, everyone slept really well that night.

Overall, it was a good trip. There were some tough spots, as usual, but I'd do it all over again.

When we got back from our trip yesterday I got sad news from my mom that our dog died. Lucy was the first little baby Todd and I had. We got our sweet puppy when we were newlyweds. We picked her from the litter because she was the runt and was constantly being bitten and bullied by the other pups. Poor lil thing. She seriously was our baby. The first blanket I ever knitted actually went to her. She was so spoiled but she was a doll.

Then when we started having kids she decided she didn't like us all that much anymore. After we had Tommy Lucy decided she wanted to live with my mom and dad. Reluctantly, we agreed, since she was starting to get nippy at the kids. We still saw her all the time (obviously) and when she didn't have to live with the kids she actually liked them. When my dad's Alzheimer's forced him into a nursing home Lucy was like a Godsend. Not only did she keep my mom company but she had a way of bringing my dad out of his fog. Mom would bring Lucy with her to the nursing home every day and Lucy would sit so sweetly on dad's lap, even when dad would hold her too tightly or pet her too hard. She just knew. Clearly, Lucy was meant always meant to be my folks' dog.

For all her sweetness Lucy was a real stinker too. She barked nonstop. She ate everything she saw. She would escape my parents' fenced in backyard to eat the neighbors' garbage. Not to mention, she wasn't a very loyal dog. She went from being the runt of a litter to running the house (two households, actually). She was a little stinker. But she was our little stinker. And she had the sweetest little beagle face you've ever seen. I'll miss her. Little Lucy.

ANYWAY... the week was good and bad. But mostly good.

Tonight we are ringing in the new year with the kiddos. Favorite appetizers and juice in wine glasses! It's always a good time.

I hope you all have a very fun and safe New Year's Eve! And I hope 2012 brings many more good times than bad.

Happy New Year!

Peace

2011-12-23T09:00:00.003-06:00

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli It seems that I am jinxing myself all over the place.

Shortly after I posted about how "on the ball" I am with everything my day went to pot. The kids were crazy and sassy. I was a grouchy, yelling mess. The day became cluttered with errands and "must do's". I was running from one thing to another. Next thing I know I am bawling all over the place about how I don't think I should be allowed around people. I should be locked away in a room somewhere by myself while my children are raised by a much more compassionate person.

Ahhhh... the holidays. I'm so good at making them merry, aren't I? Good times.

Hopefully now that I have that out of my system all will be restored and there will be peace throughout the land. Hopefully.

Hopefully I will find some inner peace this Christmas. Peace and wisdom to relax and enjoy. Let the little things go. Remember what is important. Cherish what I have, and what the Lord has given all of us. The greatest gift of all. The Prince of Peace.

PEACE

Wishing all of you a season of PEACE and LOVE. May you all have a Blessed Christmas. A Happy Hannukah. A festive Kwanza. And Happy Holidays. Peace to us all!

Because I Spoke It

2011-12-22T08:53:00.000-06:00

This is what happens when you say you don't want a white Christmas.

I jinxed it. I blabbed to everyone I know how much I love the fact that we haven't had any snow yet. Every time my boys would wish for snow I made a "blech" noise. I announced my love for the green grass. And even though there was no snow in the forecast I woke up to this.

It was a jinx. Kind of like the other day when I was smothering my dog with affection and proclaiming that I had the best dog in the world. I found out a few moments later that she had chewed up one of Todd's Christmas gifts. Not. A. Good. Dog.

*sigh*

Oh well. The snow is rather pretty. And I don't think there is so much that I will have to shovel or plow it. And it will probably melt since the forecast is warming up right away (there I go again-jinx).

At least all of my errand running, shopping, wrapping, and craziness is all done. Other than the boys' school talent show this morning I can just sit back and enjoy the Christmas bliss. It must be a first. Normally I am still scrambling for gifts and the presents don't even get wrapped until the very last minute. Literally. The last minute. I'm talking close to midnight on Christmas Eve. But this year it's all done. Bring on Christmas!

Holiday Homes Tour 2011

2011-12-21T09:07:00.002-06:00

Take a step outside and you'd never know that it is Christmas time. The weather has been well over the normal 30 degrees, we've had rain instead of snow, and the only thing blanketing the ground is our green grass. It is odd. But I'm not complaining. The boys have really been aching for some snow, but I'm okay with a green Christmas.

Our strange weather outside may not get my boys in the mood for Christmas but I know the inside is definitely doing it's job. We are decked out.

At the front door we have Christmas tree number one. Yes, the one that made me bleed and sweat and cuss. At least it looks nice now.

Every windowsill and ledge and shelf is bathed in Christmas.

Christmas cards are overflowing in the dining room.

Igloos made out of sugar cubes and marshmallows share counter space with snowmen.

Scented candles and cute cups mingle on the island.

Snowmen are plugging up every surface.

Christmas blankets for snuggling

in front of Christmas tree number two.

More snowmen and elves and the nativity are arranged on the shelves.

Even the lamps are gussied up and surrounded by smiling snowmen.

Yes, the weather outside may have us fooled, but there is no mistaking it inside. Christmas is right around the corner.

What does your house look like this time of year? Join in on the Holiday Home Tour and let us take a peek!

(and in connection with You Capture- Festive!)

To Get You In The Mood

2011-12-16T17:00:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night Todd and I have a Christmas dinner to attend with a large gathering of his friends. We have been looking forward to it for some time now.

However, there is a certain vomit situation going on around here and I am running on a half an hour of sleep. And... my stomach isn't feeling so great either, if I'm honest.

Still, it has been a long time since I have been to any sort of Christmas party or dinner. I really want to go. I have finally been feeling that Christmassy spirit and I'm ready to enjoy the season.

I thought I would post this for any of you who are still having a hard time getting in the Christmas mood. If it doesn't get you in the mood and least it will make you smile.

Keeping Expectations Low

2011-12-12T17:56:00.000-06:00

The first step is always admitting you have a problem, right? Right.

Maybe that is the reason I have been feeling much more balanced and calm. First, I had to admit I had a problem. My problem was that I wanted a picture perfect Christmas. The problem with that is that THERE IS NO PICTURE PERFECT CHRISTMAS. So, after I wrote all about my failure I was free to move on with less expectations. When you have four smallish children less expectations are always good.

I did not have high expectations when we took the kids to Cabela's on Saturday. I did not think we would be able to get Grace to sit on Santa's lap without her screaming her little head off so it was a pleasant surprise when she fought back her tears. And after Santa gave her a candy cane she actually sat on his lap and smiled! Kind of.

So there is a dead deer in the picture. So what, right? The photographer at the store got a picture of all four kids looking at the camera and smiling and she even edited the dead deer out. Lovely.

I also did not have high expectations that my children would be able to contain their excitement in the store and not smash into everyone and grab everything while running from place to place. And when we pulled into the jam packed parking lot my expectations sunk even lower. The place was overflowing with people, but I was very pleasantly surprised with how well they behaved.

I didn't even think about being able to finish the Christmas shopping, but while the kids and I played in the tents Todd was able to complete the shopping for the kids. Woot woot!

I was pretty exhausted after the trip, the shopping, and a stop at a fun restaurant, so I had very low expectations for my very first concert performance in over 11 years. The symphony choir I perform with was joining with the symphony orchastra for "The Messiah". A beautiful piece of music, but very long, and very difficult. Also, not my favorite type of music. I'm more of a broadway or jazz kind of a girl. And, I had to wear head to toe black. Todd told me I looked kind of Amish. I did. But at least my hair looked good.

The concert went very well. It felt so good to be up on stage again. I didn't have any solos or do anything memorable, but it felt great to be a part of something like that again.

It was a nice weekend, overall. The weather was warm enough on Sunday for the kids to play outside all day and for a nice long run for me. After a relaxing shower I got to watch the Packers trounce the Raiders and go to 13-0. Yowsa! Todd and I celebrated the win with some Pud Thai after the kids went to bed. Fabulous way to end a lovely weekend.

Maybe the key to a wonderful holiday isn't finding balance, maybe the key is keeping my expectations extremely low. ;)

Finding Balance

2011-12-09T15:05:00.001-06:00

It's a balancing act. This whole Christmas season. A delicate balancing act.

It seems I am a bit off balance this year. My first clue came last week Friday when we attempted to put up our Christmas decorations and Christmas trees.

I always have lovely visions of the way I think the Christmas season is going to go. Music playing in the background. Snowflakes gently flitting down outside the window. A roaring fire in the fireplace. The Christmas trees being decorated by happy children holding up their favorite ornaments and carefully placing them on the tree as Todd and I smile and watch from the couch. In my mind's eye there is always lots of laughter and kindness and joy and peace. Patient kids sitting excitedly in front of the Christmas tree posing for the ultimate Christmas card picture. Todd and I enjoying our shopping trip alone to find the perfect Christmas gifts for the kids to really make this Christmas exciting, and then a nice, relaxing dinner out afterwards to celebrate our great finds.

I'm sure it is no surprise to you that it never actually happens that way.

After setting up our two year old prelit Christmas tree we discovered half of the lights were out. We spent an hour trying to fix them. Then we spent another two hours CUTTING THE PRELIT LIGHTS OFF THE TREE and another half hour hanging new lights. If anyone ever suggests that you get a prelit Christmas tree you have my permission to drop kick them in the head. Also? The sadistic hogs that tie the lights onto prelit Christmas trees by knotting them are permanently on my shitlist. So much for feeling that Christmas love while setting up the tree. My hands and arms were all cut up and bleeding from the scratchy branches, all of my nails but one had broken, I was cussing and sweating, and plotting people's demise.

By the time the boys got home from school and Ben and Grace got up from their naps they were all ready to have some Christmassy fun. However, we were about three hours behind where we wanted to be. Todd had to run out and get new lights. I had to try and make some kind of a dinner. Then we had to wait for Todd to put the lights on. When we were finally ready to start putting the ornaments on the overly excited and not so patient kids had to wait for me again as I discovered my camera had no batteries and my video camera was out of disc. Have mercy, sweet baby Jesus!

By the time all was settled the kids were overwrought, I was frazzled, Todd was grumpy. Not one of us was in a Christmassy mood. The kids grabbed at delicate ornaments, started fights, whined and cried, and threw the ornaments at the tree and hoped they stuck. In short (too late), it was horrible. The kids went to bed miserable and I felt like a failure for approximately the billionth time since having kids.

The next day would be better, we promised!

But, Todd and I spent much of our time attempting to get the kids out from inside the Christmas trees, cleaning up broken ornaments, and pulling out our hair. We happily dropped them off at their grandparents' house that night and took off to find our rotten children some wonderful Christmas gifts. We didn't find much. Most of our time was spent arguing with each other, rolling our eyes, and disagreeing about what to give the kids. It was not successful.

We tried to shake it off and move on to dinner. We went to one of our favorite little restaurants where Todd watched the Badger game too much, talked too little, and I ate my weight in fish and chips.

*sigh*

So far, this whole Christmas thing is too much work.

I don't know what it is about this year that is making me want it all to be just right. Maybe it is because it is Joey's first year without the magic of Santa. He is being such a sweet brother making Christmas exciting for his siblings and I want him to know it is appreciated. I remember my first Christmas without Santa. It was miserable. Or, maybe I am trying so hard because Grace is now at that age where she is understanding more. This will be her first Christmas really feeling and sharing in on the excitement too. Maybe I just want my kids to look back at their childhood, and their Christmases at home, and remember how magical it all felt. I don't know.

It disappoints me, though, because I know Christmas isn't really about any of this. And usually I am very good at finding that balance between making it exciting for my kids and stressing the real reason behind this Christmas season. I feel like I am making it harder than it needs to be. I am not finding the balance.

I am hoping that once things calm down we will be able to enjoy the season more. Not only was last weekend crazy, but the whole week that followed was madness as well. I know there were at least two days in there when I did not sit down ONCE (unless I was driving in the car to get to yet another appointment). Miserable. I suppose it is hard to find balance when you feel like a crazy person.

But next week. Yes, next week will be different. All the madness begins to slow. Maybe then I will be able to find balance. Maybe then we'll have our roaring fire, our Christmas music, and our soft snow. Maybe then we will be able to sit back and enjoy each other's company in front of our fully lit Christmas tree. And maybe when the kids look back at Christmas photos from their childhood they will still feel that excitement and magic that the whole Christmas season holds, and perhaps forget about all the whining and fighting and scolding from mom and dad. I can only hope.

(It only took me 300 tries to get them all sitting still, looking at the camera (with their eyes open), and smiling. Yeah me.)

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

By The Numbers

2011-11-30T14:09:00.000-06:00

30 days of craziness in November

13 of those crazy days without Todd

3 deer shot with bow and/or gun this season which means,

160 pounds of meat to be eaten, given to friends and family, and donated to food banks

5 important birthdays

2 Thanksgivings hosted at my house

38 pounds of turkey cooked in my oven

6 pounds of applesauce made on my stove

6 pies and 1 torte eaten at my table

44 miles run so I could partake in the pies, tortes, potatoes, and everything else that came my way

12 fires in the fireplace

120 pieces of Halloween candy eaten (and thrown away)

1 day of light snowfall

22 days of unseasonally warm weather.

4 little kids begging me to take down the fall decorations and put up Christmas decorations

1 stubborn mama who refuses to put up any Christmas decorations before December

Dozens of memories made snuggling, playing flashlight tag in the backyard, reading books, at the movie theater with my four littles, taking long walks, cuddling in the nests we made, watching and playing football, donating our time to help others, riding bikes, and enjoying each other's company.

Countless blessing and reasons to be thankful in this month of giving Thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T08:01:00.000-06:00

I hope your Thanksgiving is everything you wished for.

It Happens Every Year

2011-11-22T16:51:00.000-06:00

Madness. It happens every year.

The week before Todd leaves for deer hunting is always filled with errands and cooking and baking and laundry and preparations. This year it was also filled with parent/teacher conferences, hosting boy scout meetings, swim classes, choir practices, and three sick kids.

Then, of course, there is the madness that happens after Todd leaves. The sullen boys who wanted to go hunting too, the nonstop action of single parenting, the schedules, the inevitable sick children. Same thing every year.

But this year was a little different. I don't know if I am finally getting better at it, or if I have learned to accept the madness, but this year it wasn't as bad as past years. Remember this? That didn't happen.

This year, as every year, when Todd left I tried to do as much as I could to keep the kids occupied and happy. New pajamas were purchased for all. Big blanket nests were made. Many fires in the fireplace were enjoyed. We played outside. We played inside. We rented movies we hadn't yet seen. We even went to the movie theater to see Happy Feet 2. All four of my kiddos lined up in a row, munching popcorn, entranced by the fuzzy little penguins. It was actually fun. And surreal. Four littles ones. All mine.

Yes, there were temper tantrums this week, theirs and mine, but far fewer than in past years. There were difficult schedules to keep but we managed to get it all done. We were even able to continue our tradition and volunteered to deliver Thanksgiving food boxes to families in need. And of course there were sleepless nights with nonstop coughing from my poor little sickies. But, in the end, this week has gone smoothly. For the first time I have come to the end of this deer hunting week with a big sense of accomplishment. We all made it through and looking back we had a good week.

Tonight is our last night without Todd. I know we are all anxious to have him back. Our family just isn't complete without him. But I am grateful for the week that we've had.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some blanket nests to make.

Jumbled

2011-11-14T11:14:00.000-06:00

My head is crowded. To much floating around in here to actually string together coherent sentences.

So many of the thoughts are frivolous.

What should I make for dinner?
Did the boys dress warm enough today or too warm?
Dad.
How big of a turkey should I get?
I should probably get it soon.
Should I make the cranberries again or just stick with the applesauce?
Should I do the 10K the morning of Thanksgiving like I did last year, or is that just too rushed?
Dad.
How am I going to get the boys to their Boy Scout Boat Regatta on Monday and then get to my choir practice?
Who is gonna watch the kiddos?
Can I skip choir practice even though we have a concert coming up?
Should Todd really drive three hours back home to take the boys to the boat regatta and then another three hours back up to deer camp like he wants to, or is that just craziness?
WHY would they even schedule a boat regatta for Boy Scouts during DEER SEASON in the first place? This is Wisconsin, after all.
Don't forget to wish Jeff a happy birthday. I bet he is missing dad today.
Dad.
When am I going to have time to make all the food for deer camp?
Did I sign the kids up for swim classes yet? I can't remember. I think I did.
Don't forget to tell Todd what the pest guy said about the garage.
Dad.
Why am I sweating again? It's not my thyroid. What is my problem lately?
What snack should I make for the boy scout meeting we are hosting tomorrow?
Man, I dispise boy scouts.
Dad.
Don't forget to sign up to bring a snack for Ben's class. It's our turn.
I'm so tired.
Am I supposed to be somewhere right now? I feel like I"m missing something.
Dad would be 80 today.

After that last thought there isn't much else. I've been thinking about my dad so much today. He is taking up most of my thoughts.

Today is his 80th birthday. I wish he were still here. I wish I could at least still feel him here. I don't. I haven't. It is strange for him to just be gone. I thought for sure he would visit, somehow. Sounds silly, I know, but it still surprises me.

I miss him.

Happy 80th Birthday, Daddy! I hope there is lots of carrot cake in heaven!

Miss you and love you very much.

Holding On

2011-11-11T08:53:00.004-06:00

The snow flurries of the last couple of days have melted and this weekend the temperatures are going to be warmer again. I can promise you that I will be soaking up as much fall weather as I can. I'm holding on to fall for dear life.

Todd is going up north again for the weekend. He was up last weekend to check on the progress of the garage being built and he will be up all week next week for deer hunting. This weekend trip is for his deer hunting prep. Our whole family was supposed to go up with him (since the boys would probably have massive fits if he was gone for three weekends in a row) but when I found out that there is a foot of snow up north my plans changed.

Instead, Todd will be taking the boys up with him and Grace and I are hanging at home. I just can't be around that much snow yet. Honestly, I don't know when I'll be ready for snow but certainly not right now. And not when I can be here enjoying fall. The boys, on the other hand, are thrilled to go up north and frolic in the snow.

I'll miss all my men (part of me thinks I should just bite the bullet and go anyway) but it will be nice spending some time with my girl.

And hopefully this will not be the last weekend of lovely fall weather.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you to all of our veterans. We can never repay you.

If you have a moment please read this firsthand account of a day in the life of a soldier. Thank you!

And on a side note, Happy 11-11-11!!!!!!!

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

Make Me Laugh

2011-11-09T16:44:00.002-06:00

Snow is falling outside my window and I am trying desperately not to spiral into an early seasonal depression.

I really shouldn't complain. It is merely a dusting. Nothing like the dousing the northeast coast received before Halloween. Still, it affects my mood. I'm really just trying to keep my sense of humor in lieu of this bleak weather. Luckily, my kiddos have been giving me plenty of laughs recently.

Joey came home from school and told me that when he gets married he is going to stay home and watch the kids while his wife works. I asked him what made him want to stay home and he said, "Because then I won't have to work."

"I work just as much as daddy does, Joe, but I just don't get paid for it." I responded, trying to keep my calm.

"Well that stinks." Joey said.

Indeed.

Not sure if that added to my foul mood or improved it, but it did make me laugh.

Just like when Tommy told me, "Mom, when I get married I'm gonna love you guys much more than my wife."

Then he quickly added, "But don't tell my wife that or she'd be really mad!"

That made me laugh out loud.

And just this morning Ben told me that he wanted to have five kids and he was going to name the first kid "Crotch".

Shocked, I said, "What? You are gonna name your kid Crotch? You can't do that! I don't even like you to say that word. It's nasty!"

"Okay, fine, then forget it. I'm not gonna have ANY kids." Ben announced sadly.

"Why, because you can't name one of them Crotch?" I asked.

"Yep." Ben said determined.

Well alright then. Where these kids come up with this stuff I'll never know, but it definitely makes my rotten mood more bearable.

I think the best one came yesterday when Grace and I were at her swimming lesson. Just recently she has become nervous in the water and clings to me like a little monkey. Trying to have some fun with her I took her by the hands and zoomed her through the water making motor boat noises.

Grace furrowed her brow to show her displeasure, looked at me and said, "Are you c'azy????"

I laughed so hard I got the hiccups.

These kids are full of laughs and I'll take all of them I can get.

So tell me, what gets you out of a foul mood?