Getting old is scary. Your body begins to change, your memory gets a bit fuzzy, and it takes twice as long to look half as good. Since the only alternative is ‘6 feet under’, getting old is something we must all face. We hope! I think about my friend Dennis, who died of AIDS in his early 30s. He would be thrilled to blow out 60+ candles on his birthday cake. I hear his voice snapping in the back of my head, “ Get over it! So, you’re old. Lucky you!”

Lucky? I am in shock every time I look in the mirror and it’s my mother looking back at me. How did this happen? More importantly, how do I embrace this new older version of me? Our culture is geared toward the young. As it should be.  But how do you navigate life when you realize you have aged out of the Me Too category? No one tells you when it happens. You are left to figure out why it is quiet now when you walk down the street. No one cat calls and it doesn’t seem as though anyone is leering at me. What happened? Life! Life happened. I’ve lived a full and exciting life. I wouldn’t change any of it. I’ve acted on the stage and screen. I’ve lived in London. I had a baby, adopted two more. I got engaged a few times; been married and divorced. Now, I get to be a grandmother! I am also a homeowner, in Los Angeles! Lucky me.

 Here is some of what I’ve learned…

Plastic surgery does not make you look younger

It may help you look ‘refreshed’ but only when done in moderation. Most of the women who trot around Beverly Hills all nipped and tucked look a bit like aliens. There is no human age that looks like that. They don’t look 70, 60, 50, and certainly not 40 (not with those hands)! I always thought that I would have plastic surgery but I doubt I ever will. I have a pretty good idea what this face of mine will look like as it continues to age. I do not know how I would look with a facelift or eye job. I do not want to look surprised and disappointed at the same time.

You are never too old to do…whatever it is

My mom became a tennis pro at age 71. I started doing stand-up at age 53. What started as a dare, one night only, has given me almost 13 years of the most challenging fun I’ve ever had. I have met mostly wonderful people who have become true friends; I’ve even headlined in Vegas. I have bucket list item scratched off. So whatever it is you’ve been putting off doing, just do it! 

Family isn’t everything

But it is the best thing. I’ve been a mom for almost 30 years. Raising my kids has been the best, worst, most joyful and depressing, scary and thrilling ride. I loved packing three lunches every day for school, being on the PTA, going to after school activities. I loved all of it. But there does come a time when they truly don’t need you like they did when they were little. If family is your everything, one day you will find yourself with nothing. Part of being a good parent is having your children prepared to go out on their own. If you have nothing else going on in your life, that could be devastating (see above, you are never to old…).  

Exercise and eat healthy food

If you wanna make the best out of your older self, this is essential. No explanation necessary.

Life is a three act play

Act One: from birth to 30. This is where you learn everything. From starting to walk to reading two how to get along with others. Those first 30 years you are like a sponge taking it all in. The trick is to enjoy as much of it as you can.

Act Two: 30 to 60. This is where everything happens. The good, the not so good and the devastating. You love, you lose. You make a family and watch them grow up and leave. You lose your parents and then miraculously one day look in the mirror and you find them, in you.

Act Three: 60… You get to sit back and see how it all plays out. You reap the rewards of a life well lived. You learn the big life lessons. You learn that life is what you make it. You learn you made some mistakes and it’s OK. You don’t have to be perfect. You only have to try. You learn that trying to hang on to your youth is not nearly as fun as embracing your gray.

by Actress, Comedian, Writer and 80’s Icon Susan Saiger

Find Susan on IG @susansaiger

In order to love myself, I found the first thing I had to do was acknowledge and grieve the loss of hating myself - Five things I learned

Denial
In hindsight I spent a long stretch of life wrapped in the coziest sleeping bag of self hate. I didn't realize that my emotional processing center had disdain colored glasses. And my coping mechanisms were designed to keep me in the same state of being and consciousness I had always been in.

I didn't realize that even if I was actively trying to "be a better person" I wouldn't go very far without trying to be better to me. A majority of my decades walking the earth I actually believed that all I needed to do to become a well-adjusted adult was to know my worth — hold down a steady job and to memorize an inspirational birthday card quote as a daily affirmation.

I was my own Fuck boy.
I didn't realize that I was merely saying that I loved myself, and it wasn't enough. Through therapy I have learned that I had no follow through. Loving myself couldn't be as simple as declaration and intent. I had been mistaking comfort and the concept that I deserved self-love as the actual act of loving me. I didn't really grasp that there were active decisions that need to be made each day that show me and others that I invite into my life that I love myself, and how they can actively show me they love and respect me as well. I wanted to show love, but since I didn't know what that really was, I routinely made my life decisions based first and foremost on someone else's needs. Then I would run their needs through my, "How can I compromise my needs to get them what they want?" filter.

Anger
Being drenched in my self-hate denial, pervasively lead to an undercurrent of anger. Since I didn't love myself, I was not requesting or holding some loved ones accountable to do so either. My denial left me trying to work harder to earn love and possibly even earn treatment that would feel more comfortable and palatable to me. I thought if I just worked hard enough, people around me would see that I am worthy too. I didn't realize that this was a formula creating circumstances that would drive me to the opposite side of my goal. Giving first and foremost left me emotionally exhausted and malnourished. I was walking around on empty and my patience and consideration became depleted as a result. I would snap, become easily overwhelmed and cognitively meltdown. Or even worse - say hurtful things I don't mean as a way to protect myself from who or whatever was hurting me in the moment. I see now this would leave me ashamed of how I conducted myself. It would lead me to even further lower my value to myself and keep me in the self hate cycle. I would mentally disassociate from my body to get through the day to day, for years at a time. I was the captain of a dysfunctional canoe barreling down Codependent River with one paddle.

Bargaining
Not ready to believe that I still hated myself; I was left having to maintain the self-love exaggeration to myself. I would indulge and focus on building up all the things I loved about myself or thought was redeeming while pushing the negative and the empty void to the side. I guess the subconscious theory that over loving my physical features would balance the hate of my soul out? Unclear.

Workaholism was and is a lovely crutch.

The more I indulged in my favorite "Ism", the more I would be validated through financial reward, stability and opportunity. I think the truth is it's hard to not do what one has always done. Even being told that there is a different way to do something isn't always enough information on how to do the course correct. What are the steps to use to put that different way into motion? I thought I had been protecting myself with the decisions I made before so it's not like I knew I was making decisions that were leading me to perpetuate my own cycles.

Depression
My depression periods are low, long and destructive, and there was no difference in this while grieving my hate crutch. My bouts of depression are generally mostly destructive to my liver, self-esteem, and metabolism. That doesn't mean there weren't lost relationships and friendships as a result either. High functioning depression is confusing for the people around you not experiencing it. They can't see the work behind the scenes that goes into just living. I can get how I "appeared" okay by holding a job and long term relationships, so my depressive behavior is also experienced as intently willful, hurtful or rude. I entered therapy after realizing this pattern and have become more aware of my need and the benefits of managing my reactions. After a stretch of time with my depression at the wheel, I gathered with a group of friends that I have been blessed with for 20 years. They saw the state I was in as I walked through the door and gave me an impromptu intervention.

It was time for my hate crutch to go. It had grown so strong from use over the years, that the force from my self-flagellation had started to seep out and concern people around me. The people who loved me. The people I wanted more than anything to bring joy to. The people who wanted to see me happy could only see the ways I would wield that stick into making decisions. Decisions that were not leading me closer to peace and contentment. In that moment I could no longer be in denial of grieving the loss of the comfort of hating myself. At that moment, I knew I didn't know how to be proactive and look forward, but I could never look back.

I couldn't look at the amazing support system around me, people who believe in me and tell them when I'm at my lowest, their support was wrong.
To quote Aidan himself, "Girl, I am not stupid, and I trust your advice, so you can't tell me Im wrong about you."

Acceptance
Accepting my comfy throw blanket of hate has to go isn't just as simple as accepting I have a problem. Acceptance is knowing I will sometimes fumble at loving myself. Loving myself is learning how to mark boundaries; to put an end to my self-destructive commitments and behavior. I had to accept I not only deserve, but I need letting myself experience alone time. I need letting myself experience the luxury of the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness.

In learning to break the cycle of self-deprioritization, I have learned I have the tools to accomplish what I put my mind to. I can trust myself and should listen to my instincts. I have learned that sometimes there is a way to work "too hard" to make a relationship or creative project work. I have learned that walking away at the risk of allowing something to fail for my well being demonstrates the same strength to take something to the finish line.

I've learned I don't have to justify an opinion or beg to have a need met. If something doesn't work for me, I am allowed to change course without all parties involved coming to an agreement. I have learned I possess the power to establish the reality that I can thrive within. I now have an idea that I deserve to count my successes as much as I do my failures. That it's okay to not always know what to say or know how to help someone.

It's okay to face that at times I'm the asshole and every blue moon perhaps I am not. I have learned that sometimes I have to hurt or disappoint someone I love, to love me.

Writing this is a scary commitment of sorts. I may still be a piece of trash that doesn't absolutely know how to love myself. Here I am declaring to the world that I have learned something regarding loving myself???

The new me re-frames things through the art of YAY! I remind myself that the act of love isn't NEVER experiencing doubt in my self. I need to protect myself from indulging in my self-doubt. I can love myself with every decision.

RIP self-hate, you served me well, and no longer.

By Jazzy Byner

IG @jazzybyner

Hi Guys!

I have perfectionistic tendencies. And that ain’t good. In this episode of coach yay-dan I talk about why that's a terrible way to live.

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I am a perfectionist... with the best of intentions, i lived life as if it was a constant test! I would approach everything with an attitude of “lets see how you do Aidan” and if I make a mistake then I would make it a habit of internalizing everything

What is it that you did wrong that you makes you wrong?
Why are you like this?
What is wrong with you?
Do you see what you have done?!?
Do you see how rotten at the core you are.

Let me tell you the inspiration for this article!
I mean I would do this to my self
all the way back to the days of elementary school
I remember, being mean to this girl in the 5th grade because me and my friends decided that she was mean or whatever and we didn't let her play dodge ball with us.
and she was sad
and the other day I stopped myself and thought
”what a mean child i was and how rotten to have made that girl feel that way. what a horrible person I am…”
WHAT? That was 27 years ago! That girl probably didn't even remember the event and besides we made up later that day and we apologized and we are friends to this day on Facebook!

I don't know what else i need to do to obsolve myself of this apparently unforgivable sin of having a mean moment as 9 year old 27 years ago during recess. I don't know about you but I review everything that happens and if I have a moment where I am not nice to someone I start thinking... there you go again... your true nature coming out!

WHAT? Then I remembered... I don't need to be perfect. It's impossible to be perfect all the time and all of this is draining my energy!! so i am working to leave perfectionism behind and here are 5 reasons why.

1) Some things are just out of your control!
Do you know you can be a world class football player and not win the superbowl?
You can be beyonce and release an album and be #2 instead of #1 on the charts?
You can study for an exam and study and study and study and your ap physics teacher could have not covered an entire subjectand you could get less than a 5.

Literally all you can do is your best! and some things are just out of your control! you can plan a wedding and it can rain
you can get a boyfriend and he can die on you... that happened to me get my book
so.. if you are trying to aim for 100% of your life
going the way you want it to go to measure as a way to see if you're good enough
I can promise you will never ever ever be good enough. Ever.
I mean jeff bezos can launch a rocket into space and people don't like him before his rocketship looked like a dick all of that is out of your control!
so.. all you can do is lean in and do your best! and let go of the result.

2) Mistakes and unwanted results are how you can continue to growSo you do your best and you make a mistake!! that is how you learn not to do that thing that doesn't get you the result you want.
Let me tell you about stand up comedynow If I do say so myself im a good comicat least I think so.I mean i laugh at my own jokes on stage i dont care I think im hilarious!hahabut I tell some real clunkers sometimesI mean... sometimes I'm like omg this is so funnyand no one eles finds it funny
but I have to try and see... that's the only way I know whether what I am doing is working or not!you can't find out that your car has a problemuntil you get it in and driveand it either tells youor you end up on the side of the roadBUT YOU GOTTA DRIVE TO FIND OUT!so let yourself get out there and driveand figure it out! Lets me tell my bad jokesI'll be sure to put some good ones in there so you don't have to sit through all of them being bad... haha

3) It slows down your progress
When you feel like you have to be perfectit's like sitting with a jigsaw puzzleand you think this piece goes there..but you don't want to try so you sit trying to figure out if that is the right placevisually... for hours..and then you get it wrong and oh my godyou are an idiot you are a dummy you are.. x y zthen your berating yourself takes up all the timeand that person made 20 wrong moves per 1 right move and completed the puzzle by the time you have stoped cryingI MEAN WHAT?
Get over it and lets get on with it! having to be perfect is so much pressure your puzzle will never get done!

4) Pass and goIn Candy crush.. if you complete the puzzle you get to move on to the next round now you know in candy crush they rank you based on how you did compared to your friends!imagine if you did not let yourself go to the next round until you were in the #1 slot among your friends.I mean... you would never move forward!You could be stuck at level 1 forever especially sincethe app doesn't tell you that your friend purchased all kinds of in app items and tools to help them cheat all kinds of scores.
Get to the next level.In high school you don't have to get straight As to go to the next level.You get at least a c average and show some level of competency and they let you go.So in life we have to allow ourselves the same grace.
You do good enough. and you move forwardYou learn additions... and you get 70% move forward learn subtraction get 70% and move forwarddivisions 70%if you wait to get 100% on additions before learning anything else pretty soonyou are gonna being a 29 year old who doesn't know how to subtract.
We have got to allow ourselves to be less than perfect so we can learn moreand BE MOREthis perfectionism thing will keep us as 40 year olds in high school let me tell ya!

5) You never get to enjoy where you are at.I was at the gym.and i don't 6 pack absbut i think Im a in pretty good shape!and as I watched myself lifting in the mirror,at orange theory fitness...
I knew that I didn't have the perfect bodybut Damn I got a pretty good oneI had a vein right here!my calves are beautiful!I have a good chest!
WHEN do I get to enjoy this body that I have built!sure its not perfect but its damn good!who's body is perfect!gisselle buncheon has to be photo shopped!Im great!
Money.. sure I could have more moneybut I have have a good deal to take care of myselfwhen do I get to stand in the knowing that I helped build this business and stop looking for lack where things are not perfect!
and if everything is perfect...doesn't that mean you are not pushing yourself to be better?and so maybe... it's perfect to be imperfect! and it's a wonderful thing to be able to enjoy the processand take note of how you are growing and learningas you make mistakesand you give yourself breaks
So this week I am renewing my commitmentto be kind to myselfenjoy more of life.and allow myself to be less than perfect!

I’m a Real-life 40-Year-Old Virgin: Five Things I’ve Learned.

- Anonymous

Hi!  I’m in my 40s and, oops!... I’m still a virgin.  Sorry, Britney, I didn’t mean to drag you into this, especially given how your own sexual experience (or lack thereof in 1999) was a prime example of the problem here.  The problem is that lots of people, even whole parts of society, have very outspoken opinions about the sex lives of other individuals.  Yet nothing could be more personal and private.  The amount that someone shares about their sex life should be up to that person alone, and it certainly doesn’t change their value or the worth of what they contribute to the world!

And so I’m choosing to share a little about the experience of someone who hasn’t yet lost his virginity.  How did I end up here?

It started because I’m naturally someone who follows the rules.  I grew up in a cultural and religious context that stated sex is for marriage relationships only AND that gay relationships are not good.  That all left me feeling kind of crumby as a teenage boy attracted to other boys.  But at least there were clear boundaries and I found safety by staying within them.  The more insidious aspect of this was learning shame.  Not only did I feel shame about my desires, but my internalized shame transferred to other areas of my life.  Following the rules and being a good student became a way to perform for my own self worth – and any mistake made me feel worthless.  I also suffered from body dysmorphia, so the decision to not have sex became sadly self-protective from being judged for the way I looked.  As someone enveloped in shame, nothing was scarier than the idea of being truly known.

It all got a little more challenging and confusing as I grew up and lived through my earlier adult years.  During that time, culture changed drastically to become open, affirming, and largely sex-positive.  While my religious context did not change in the same way, my own faith did transform.  I grew to realize that love (and my inherent value as a human being who is worthy of love) is so much more important than following the rules!  I learned to see myself as valuable apart from being someone who does or does not do the right thing.  Much of the shame I experienced was uprooted during this time too.  It took many more years than I would have liked, but I feel fortunate to have grown in these ways at all.  And I’m still growing today.

Thus far, however, I have chosen to not have sex.  The more I grew to care for myself, the less I wanted to live out some wild teenage sexual experimentation that I never had the first time around. (Okay, part of me DOES want that.  I’m not asexual.  But I’m pretty sure I’d regret it afterward?)  There is clearly a ton I don’t know about all of this, but I do have a pretty unique perspective.  So, here are some things I’ve learned by being a virgin this far into my life.

5 THINGS I LEARNED

1. I want sex to be meaningful

Actually, I think sex IS meaningful to everyone.  It just has a very different meaning, depending on whom you ask.  Whether it’s viewed as casual, fun, addictive, chore-like, sacred, painful, tragic, or some combination of those, sex is an central part of being human.

As I mentioned above, I’m not necessarily looking to have a whole bunch of sex just to figure it out.  That might actually be very meaningful.  It’s just that I want something that is meaningful for my sex partner too.  I don’t want pity sex because I’m the old virgin.  And I don’t want to find sex on an app the way I order a burrito.  If you haven’t figured it out, I’m pretty old-fashioned.  I want to have sex with someone who also wants to have sex with me, and who wants to connect with me beyond that.  Maybe that’s naïve, but I want to be careful because…

2. I know that I still make decisions out of fear

I’m still on a journey of growth.  Self-awareness is a key part of that, and I would be lying to myself if I didn’t recognize that I’m stuck in old thought patterns sometimes. That is especially true about something so vulnerable as sex, previously rooted in lots of shame.  I still need to learn how to differentiate what’s fear and what is me being cautious out of appropriate self-care.  And if I realize I’m stuck in fear, maybe I need to make a big leap of faith and try something adventurous and new!  Whether or not I do that…

3. I need to be kind to myself about my process

What if I chose to have sex with someone tomorrow and it was so good that I suddenly felt like I’d been missing the fun for the last 20+ years.  It would really stink to experience something good and create the most negative possible reaction to it.  Whatever my future includes when it comes to sex and all the emotions involved, I need to have grace for myself.  I can’t change the past.  I can simply recognize that what I’ve chosen seemed to be the best at that time.  How would it help if I find myself full of regret and a new flavor of self-hatred?  Instead I hope to be thankful for what I’ve learned in the past, and look forward with hope and openness.

4. The decision is mine

As someone interested in self-growth and remaining open to new perspectives, I am happy to hear what others have to say about sex and all kinds of other topics.  But, unlike my youth when I was extremely influenced by others’ opinions, I know that my choices are now fully my own.  I can listen to all the arguments.  Yet I must remember that somebody else’s opinion is based on what worked in their life.  As good as their intentions may be, I must decide for myself.  This may be the greatest journey of growth that I’ve faced: being decisive and taking responsibility for my choices.  It’s a little bit scary, and that’s why I need to remind myself that…

5. I am more than just one thing

Aidan asked me to write about what I’ve learned as a 40-year-old-virgin.  But I am so much more than that.  I would understand completely if you question me writing this anonymously.  Didn’t this guy just write about healing from shame and growing in self-love?  Why hide!?  First, because this is the internet.  And second, I don’t want to be defined by any one aspect of my life (work, sexuality, diet, spiritual beliefs, looks, family history, etc.).  I want people to know the whole of myself, as much as any fellow human in this life can.  Unlike when I hid myself as a kid, being truly known is now the highest value I hold.  Nothing gives me more security and joy than that.  At the same time, nothing is quite so diminishing than the assumptions people make when they only know a few details about another person.  I look forward to getting to know any of you that I will meet someday.  As for the rest, I hope this gave you a little more confidence in your own evolving version of “Yay!”

Where to begin. My mother died shortly after lockdown which was hard for many reasons. One reason of which was when the end came, I couldn’t be with her. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer so in a way I was dealing with her death over five years. Totally changed the way we hung out. She was very brave about it and would be humorously candid. “I don’t care. Let God take me! I’m not afraid!” To sum up my mom, she was that super hot tiger mom that immigrated from Hong Kong. She raised two kids, took no shit, and could cook her ass off. She also had a mushy heart. I miss her, but I always have her “matrix” in my brain, so I know exactly what she’d say, and I cook all the dishes she taught me. I’m just glad she’s not suffering anymore. So I do take comfort in that.

Anyway, what I’ve learned:

1. Not everyone can talk about it
I used to think that you can talk through any subject. Now that I’m older, I’ve realized there are subjects that cut so deep that people don’t talk about. If they do, they will talk about it with you. I found that out as I tried to find community with those who were in the same boat with their parents. But I did have a few who did share and continue to share their experience with loss and I treasure that immensely.

2. Your tolerance for bullshit becomes zero
In other words, I don’t really tolerate things that don’t bring me joy and get into other people’s mess. Everything is measured on what is really important to YOU. I’m just not really interested in “scoring points” with people anymore. It’s like that Dr. Seuss quote which I will now butcher in paraphrasing: “Those who get you, will get it, and those who don’t can fuck off!” My mother kept saying to me “Work hard. Be strong. Be kind.” So as long as I hold to having love in my heart and being honest with myself, worrying about what people think of me has become suuuuuper secondary. A lot of people’s beef with you really is about themselves anyway, so I don’t to let other people’s bullshit become my problem. If people are being raw to me, I just make them smaller and smaller by keeping my distance. Either they come back correct, or they’re too ashamed to ever talk to me again. So it takes care of itself that way. This also includes the bullshit I say to myself! If something isn’t serving me or is negative (generally my dad’s voice) I catch myself and love myself and be easy with myself (not easy when you’ve been raised Asian trust me, it’s something I have to actively force myself to do).

3. Fake friends fuck off and real friends become family
My father and brother were never close to me. To this day I have no idea why they don’t like me. Maybe they feel like as long as they have a grudge against me it makes them better than me. If you know people like this, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, I’m happy for you. This IS a thing. It’s been over a year since my mom passed. My dad still hasn’t said word one to me, not a text, not a phone call, no “sorry about your mom” nothing. Of course it feels bad because it’s your dad right? They’re in the same boat emotionally right? Wrong. The only thing me, my brother, and my dad had in common was our love for this woman and now she’s gone. Do we find community amongst ourselves? No. They’re simply not emotionally available and hate me for some reason. So when my mom died, for me, it was as if Krypton exploded. I’m the only one. The Lui Experiment now lies with me, my wife, and whatever children we have or foster. I’d cry to my wife about how I was alone, but she would quickly point out all the “chosen family” I had. All the brothers, sisters, cousins that weren’t blood but were there for me and had my back and suddenly realized how right she was. I was rich with “chosen fam”. There’s a saying that “blood is thicker than water.” This saying is supposed to mean family (blood) is somehow better than friends (water) but for me that was not true. To my surprise the actual saying means THE OPPOSITE. The complete saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” This means the ties to people who stick by you in life who made a promise is stronger than those you share blood with. And I actually find THAT to be true way more. So now I’ve become even more precious with my friends and view them as family. I’ve even tested it and started calling friends “brother”, “sister” and “sib” and they don’t bat an eye.

4.You invest in people and give love away for free
I don’t do things for money really. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll TAKE money. But it’s not my main reason for doing things. I’m finding that the death of my mom has shifted my perspective more towards people and less in material things. For instance, my mother-in-law was reluctant to accept a gift of jewelry for fear of losing it, and I told her, “Mom, if it gives you joy, take it!” “But what if I lose it?” “Then you lose it! It’s not irreplaceable. Enjoy the time you have with it! Enjoy losing it too!” In other words, it’s not blood; it’s not life. My mom-in-law’s joy is worth more to me than some stupid piece of metal and rock. I’ve found that time and time again, including the privilege of writing this blog, when I give things away for “free” and invest in friends, the dividends I get back are more than worth it. Do not underestimate the power of friendship because what we’re really talking about is the power of love and you never know how that love will manifest. When you become a friend, a real friend, you become family. Families take care of one another, feed each other, help each other out, give out wisdom, share tips on improving life and share your pain as well as your joys. Those who don’t get that…don’t. And you can tell who those people are. They’re the ones always trying to mess with your dreams or tell you how you can’t do shit because you're prettier than they are.

5. Feeling how finite life is you give up on forcing things and invest in things that make you happy
After my mom left Earth it was really hard to get myself to do anything. Write. Create. Much of my energy was put into NOT CRYING. So I gave up. I gave up trying. Gave up trying to cheer myself up. Let myself be a piece of shit. And oddly it helped me get in the mood to finish some things. I gave up on how I thought I was “supposed” to finish my first feature film and just started finishing it. The death of a loved one can send you into a weird spiral because you say to yourself “Life is finite, shit! Do something!”but at the same time you’re too sad to fuckin move! “Life is finite, shit! What’s the point of doing ANYTHING!” But I found giving up was a boon. I realized I wasn’t giving up. I was just giving up on my vision of HOW to accomplish things. I love what Aidan told me which was to be kinder to myself because it did remind me to not “bully” myself into happiness. Bully myself into “doing something.” It just doesn’t work. I did find that finishing this project would mean the world to me. Finishing would bring me joy. So, step by step, brick by brick, that’s what I did. When my wife/co-producer told me our first feature got accepted to a film festival and won an award for best comedic feature, I was elated. However, as soon as I started imagining the screening, I started crying because I knew my mother wouldn’t be there. Buckets were pouring out of me as I was driving in my car. Knowing my mom, she would not care for the film at all, she’d say, “Why is it so violent!” “Why can’t it be more happy?!” but I know she’d love to hear the laughs in the audience and have everyone come up to her and say nice things to her. I know she’d like that. Things are still up in the air as far as when and where we’ll get to screen our film with a live audience. Friends like telling me that “she’ll be there in spirit” which I DO appreciate. What’s the lesson? I guess it’s this. Just because people leave doesn’t mean the good, they do left with them. I’ll always appreciate the last ten years of our relationship. (it wasn’t always great, mistakes were made and the childhood part was quite rough for both of us) All we can do is love ourselves and love each other the best we can while we’re still here. I know my mom is gone. But I cook and eat the dishes she taught me and know what she’d say. Work hard. Be strong. Be kind. Especially to yourself which is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but you have to do it, despite all the reasons you can conjure not to. It’s what those who left us would want.

By Kenneth Lui, writer/director of Artists In Agony: Hitmen at the Coda Teahouse

Websites:

artistsinagony.com

kennethlui.com

Instagram: @acrazymaker
@mental.pictures.productions

Facebook: @mentalpicturesproductions

Hey guys. I’ve been studying empowerment for 15 years. Unfortunately as with any good thing, there are some dangers and downsides. Here are five things to watch out for.
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First of all, I like saying, I LOVE EMPOWERMENT.

I grew up in an environment where I felt very disempowered. I am a gay man who grew up in a conservative household. I had no father. I grew up in poverty. I was dropped in the USA without language skills. All of these factors are a breeding ground for creating a belief system in which one can feel like everything is out of control. These factors can easily make me feel like I am a victim to my circumstances.

I had adopted the idea that life just happens to me and all I can do is just deal with life as it comes. I discovered empowerment at age 19. It was the first time I felt like I had some control over my life. It was the first time I thought about how things could turn out. I realized I can create something great, and that was exciting to me. But what empowerment requires is for you to take responsibility of ALL things that happen in your life; which is different than blame. It's okay I don’t have money. I don't have money and so I can direct my energy to do something about it, by owning it. Instead of bemoaning it.

I fell into the empowerment world. I also came into the law of attraction world which asks you to manage your vibration so that you can attract what you want. I am firm believer of it all. It's about owning where you are, instead of bemoaning where you are. It's all about using the power of your mind to create whatever you want. It's all about the mind mind mind.

I’ve learned that this kind of thinking can also be dangerous and this way of thinking actually got in my way. I needed clarification.

1) Empowerment can make you too responsible
In the world of empowerment, when we get an unwanted result in the world, we are asked to look at what we did wrong and take 100% responsibility for why. Then correct your position for next time.

This is great, except...

We live in a world where even if you do everything perfect things happen that can totally derail you. You might work hard to open a restaurant, and it burns down the next day.

You might think you have a great business deal but someone could swoop in at the last minute and you lose the contract. You might raise your child perfectly and he/she could meets a boyfriend that, umm... break their heart.

I think that we can do our absolute best. I think even if you measure for safety you may still get only 80% of the results you intended. Now, if you get 80% of the results, you will be going for; you are KILLING IT. If you expect 100% which is 100% unrealistic, you may start thinking...

What's wrong with me? Maybe nothing. Maybe you’re doing things right and can mitigate unexpected surprises for the future the best you can...or maybe you’re doing OKAY!

2) Some things really are out of your control, no matter how much empowerment
I was a widow at age 33. Out of my control. Michael and I fought really hard to try to keep him alive, but we lost. If I’m in a state of sadness because my partner passed away, and it's making me less optimistic about the world, I could think, WELL how did I attract this reality to come into form? Or well, what could I have done better to save Michael? NOTHING

Death happens. Life happens. I am not the only one that exists in the world! So maybe Michael was meant to die when he did. Even if you do your best sometimes, things don’t go the way you want them to go, that's life! Really we all do the best that we can in the world but sometimes things happen in that indeed are out of your control. I wrote a book as a result of the experience around Michael's passing. I started a company to encourage people to find their greatest joy. Writing a book and starting a company were things I could control. Michael Dying? I couldn’t control.

3) Negative emotions are not allowed
In the empowerment community, negative emotions sometimes are treated as a drag to the system. We are taught to handle negative emotions by out thinking our emotional response.

For example, if you feel sad that you failed a test, you might be taught to quickly move into a positive emotional state by thinking thoughts that might help you through your failure. You learned x y z and so you should feel good. If you don't feel good, it means whatever you did didn't work. So you fix your thoughts and try again.

Do you see how all of this can place negative emotions in the role of enemy? If you don’t feel great, there is something wrong. It must be corrected immediately.

In the law of attraction world, this could be even worse. What if you are sad, so you attract more sad things? It creates this urgency to get out of pain. If you don’t, things could be internalized. And you feel you’re not doing handling the situation right. You’re not good enough! Thinking your way out of your negative emotions works a lot of time and it is generally a good practice. If your husband of 20 years left you for the mail man, you would be sad. You try to think your way out of it and can't.

So you get annoyed with yourself which creates even more negative emotion. Then you get mad for getting mad at yourself. Then you get mad for getting mad at yourself for getting mad at yourself. You get it. We are human and sometimes things hurt us in a way that cannot be thought through.

This is when empowerment sometimes does not help; your partner died, but the negative emotions are not serving you, so just think your way out of it. That’s not right. If you don’t think your way out, you are more committed to justifying your sadness. You’re not making a move in a positive direction!

You know what you should say to that?

FUCK YOU. LOL

The idea is to do the best you can. Help yourself through pain. This should not be a test or a proof of worthiness. It's not failing if you don't feel magnificent all the time.

4) So much emphasis on the mind. Think about your physicality too
Here’s an example:
Let’s say you’re on a diet. Drinking diet coke often makes people hungrier. It is a pleasurable sensation while you are drinking but often times the physiological effects of drinking diet coke can lead you to being more hungry. In the world of empowerment, there is a distinct emphasis on the mind. Sometimes all of the tools can cause you tp think, if I were strong enough in the mind then I can out think my physiological response. You create a situation where you drink a Diet Coke even though you know you will have a hunger response. After the drink, you are annoyed at the hunger response. You try to think your way out of that unpleasant sensation and then feel like a useless person as you slice a piece of cake.

That is CRAZY.

Diet Coke can make you hungrier, and physiology matters. Your mind is powerful but only to an extent. It's like taking depression patients and saying you are not thinking right. That's cruel. Some people require extra reinforcement.

It's challenging to override a physiological response with the power of your mind.

5) Mindfulness and empowerment are not a magic formulas
Initially it’s good to try things on as if it is the magic formula. But as with anything, there is no magic formula. Nothing in this world will work 100% of the time.

A vegan, raw food, body builder, who lives in the mountains can get cancer. A driver's education teacher with a squeaky-clean record may have their breaks go out and crash. A person may be driven to make billions of dollars and then the financial system collapses. The idea of empowerment is to position yourself to do the very best we can do. There are times that empowerment doesn't lead to better results. There will be times when we fall off the diet. There will be times when we are unnice to people.

This is all OKAY.

We are aiming to be better. Sometimes when you are not who you want to be it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong. We are all in process. Let us embrace the process and pat ourselves on the back for doing the best we can.

Love you guys!

If the last fourteenth months were to be summarized into a movie plot line, it would go something like this -

Boy meets girl at work six years ago. They are the best of friends, never more. Boy is into working out and personal development, girl has a plethora of hobbies and helps run an improv theatre. Girl breaks up with boyfriend, boy divorces wife. March 2020-the pandemic hits. Boy and girl get together, and beauty ensues. They explore, learn, love, have an amazing time just the two of them (and occasionally his amazing young daughters) while the world around them seemingly burns to a crisp. Boy and daughters move into girl’s beautifully decorated and perfectly sized for one person townhouse. Boy and girl simultaneously go through an identity shifting program where they learn that everything they thought to be true was just something they learned and are able to release the shit that is no longer serving them and replace that shit with lovely flowers. Boy tells girl he wants to be alone. Girl leaves and travels in a van, realizes she wants to travel full time. Girl comes home. Boy moves out. Boy marries someone else. 

WHAT?! Hard stop, what, he got married to someone else immediately? No one saw that coming, right, it's not just me?  Yes- this the story of how I, girl, fell in and out of love during the 2020-2021 pandemic. As boy and I are no longer together for very obvious reasons and to avoid awkward grammatical issues,  I will refer to boy from here on out as my Partner At The Time, or Patt for short. Also, hi, my name's Jamie.

Though this story is incredibly nuanced and complex and difficult to pare down, it’s worth noting that 1 this is only my side of the story and 2, a pivotal moment in this story, Patt marrying someone else, happened about a week ago. I imagine I’ll be revisiting many lessons about this for years to come, but for now, I will tell my tale exactly where I’m at and what I’ve learned so far to the best of my ability. Please also note that society  will generally tell you that I am the victim in this story and Patt is the villain. I hate spoilers, but I choose to spoil it for you now and say that with every piece of my heart I do not believe that either is true. 

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

5. I leave when I want to leave

When Patt told me he wanted to be alone at the end of March 2021, within days I was packed and on my way to to pick up my parents’ camper van and live in that for awhile. I recognized that I wanted to live a life on the road, with people who love me. I’m meant to explore and travel and by accepting and loving this part of me, in the midst of so much hurt and pain, I was able to heal and realize where I’m meant to be. I lived in the van for six weeks this spring, exploring every new thing I could and feeling every old thing that comes up during your quintessential break up in your 30s situation. 

Two weeks ago when we were standing in my kitchen and Patt told me he was marrying someone else, I felt myself leave my body and stare down at us like it was a scene in a movie. What the hell did he just say? He's getting married? I floated back down into my body. As he was telling me the details about this person and what he was planning to do, I sank onto the crumb covered floor and burst into tears. I grieved, he sat near me and held space for my grief. When my crying subsided, what came through for me was the  loudest resounding truth that I’ve ever known - I love myself. I trust the universe. This was a gift.  I stood up, smiled, said thank you, and left my own house without a care to ever see him again. 

I leave when I want to leave. I listen to my body and heart and when I realize that a situation is no longer serving me, I get the hell out of Dodge and trust that the universe has something else in store for me.

4.  I accept the reality of the situation

Whenever I would get into a tailspin about something growing up, lost in my own emotions and story about what I thought was happening, my mom used to gently bring me back to earth with a simple notion- stating the reality of the situation. “The reality of the situation is that you have enough time to do one after school activity, not eight. Let me help you pick one.” she would say lovingly when I wanted to swim, dance, go to art classes and be on the jump rope team all at the same time. “The reality of the situation, Jamie, is that you need to eat your vegetables if you want to have ice cream later.” This is a fun one because allegedly my retort back to my mom was that I had two stomachs, one for healthy food and one for dessert and for some magical reason my healthy stomach was always full. There's a joke in here about being a cow but that is not the point of this story and unfortunately calling a woman a cow is still an insult in our society today even though that's bullshit and cows are some of the cutest creatures alive so I digress.

The reality of the situation is, Patt fell in love with someone else. Patt told me he wanted to be alone, and now two months later is married to someone else. Does that timeline feel shady as shit? Yes. Is it the reality of the situation? Also, yes.

Another reality of this situation is, I am no longer in love with a man who is tied to one location. I am free to sell my house, quit my day job, and explore the country in a van for as long as I want if I want to. THAT reality makes my heart leap with joy and fall into presence with myself. I feel clear, excited, and in love with the opportunities that are possible for me now. I choose to focus my attention on that reality.

By accepting the reality of any situation I find myself in, I can feel through what's there and clear the way for something new to emerge. I’ve learned that the sooner I accept every single part of the situation, the easier it becomes to feel my feelings about it and move through it. Speaking of…

3. I feel my feelings the moment I feel my feelings

This was something a beloved improv teacher of mine used to passionately/violently yell at us to drill in the importance of emotions in characters we play onstage. Turns out it’s also some very solid life advice that’s backed by both science and personal experience. Our emotions are meant to be felt, expressed, and moved through completely. If not, they get stuck and repressed and show up in our worlds as feeling stuck in a situation that you know doesn’t serve you at best, and as feelings of self hatred, despair and a dark swirling pit of destruction at worst.

I am so proud to say that I felt all of my feelings as I was falling in and out of love this year. I felt disgust and humiliation when I thought about how Patt "must" have been in love with this other woman when we were together. I thought about that, listened to the sensations in my body that came up, and  threw up into a trash can while a group of supportive individuals held space for me. When I thought about all of the people in our community that were so delighted when Patt and I got together seeing his marriage announcement on Instagram, I expressed my rage by screaming into a pillow and punching the shit out of my mattress. When I thought about how lonely I felt in this circumstance where no one quite understands what I’m going through, I sobbed openly on a crowded beach in Lake Tahoe. My best friend held me quietly and carefully for that one. 

All emotions deserve to be felt. Winding the tape back to Spring of 2020, I remember how I felt anticipation, excitement, and shy the first time I realized Patt was something more than a friend. I felt overwhelming joy and love through my entire body when we said I love you for the first time under fireworks last fourth of July. I felt blissful peace when he first moved in and we would sit together for hours reading our favorite books and sharing lines out loud that spoke to our hearts first.  I felt tenderness and an awe inspiring sense of importance when I would paint and draw with his daughters, a feeling that I never knew existed until I found myself in the role of step mom. Though our love escalated and extinguished quickly, we were in love just the same.  

I got to feel the entire range of human emotions this year. Fully expressed, fully intense, and fully mine. Our society labels emotions as good and bad, positive and negative, high energy and low energy. Emotions are just the labels we slapped on sensations in the body and told everyone to avoid the ones that are uncomfortable or to be frank, make you feel like shit. It’s so much more satisfying to feel every single emotion all the way through, and know that it’s all part of being a human alive in this world.

2. I practice gratitude for everything

This one is short because I’m still learning how to do it. It’s really easy for me to say “thank you” when Patt is driving me all around the beautiful state of Nevada, listening to our favorite podcasts and music and staying six feet away from everyone else, while stopping occasionally on the side of the road to make delicious food or bone. We were in love! It was all roses.

It’s way more difficult for me to say “thank you” when I saw his Instagram post announcing his marriage, telling the whole world (realistically, his 600ish followers)  how he fell in love with her the moment he saw her. This felt like fucking shit but the reality of the situation is, it happened. If I say thank you, I get my power back. If I say yes, thank you for this gift, I get to feel relieved knowing that my future husband is out there somewhere and wasn’t where I thought he was. If I say yes, thank you, this is happening for me, I get to breathe easy knowing that one day I will have the capacity to be happy for Patt, and happy for love, even though today and probably tomorrow and the next day or week or month or even your year are not those days. Cue the Friends theme song. 

There’s a warm up exercise we do in improv called Rose Bud Thorn where we share one thing that’s going well, our rose, one thing that we are looking forward to, a bud, and one thing that’s a thorn in our side. It’s a way to connect with each other and know how we are feeling in the world as both humans and performers. It’s a practice to express gratitude for the thorns and view every single thing in life as a gift to say thank you for. I’m practicing, I'm learning. Thank you.

1. It’s my story

When I was little, I used to spend hours in my room reading and writing stories- long ones. I would craft and create elaborate characters and intricate worlds in which they lived, and I would let my imagination run wild. I shared these stories with my parents, my friends, my classmates. If I was reading a good book, you couldn’t pry me away from it if your life depended on it. I remember when the fifth Harry Potter book came out, it happened to fall on a weekend that my mom took me to Chicago to explore and see a new place. We spent all of day one sitting in the hotel room so I could finish the book. The scene looked something like- ten year old me, reading and sobbing in a corner when Hedwig and Dumbledore died (sorry, spoiler though it has been a minute) and Mom- quiet, loving, patiently waiting for me to recover from the emotional turmoil my  distraught preteen hormonal self needed to experience at that exact moment. Thanks Mom, love you. 

Somewhere along the way, my light started to dim. It wasn’t cool to be creative and write long stories. I stopped reading, and started watching tv because that’s what everyone else did. My belief was confirmed when David S* came up to me drunk after prom and yelled in my face about how in second grade I wrote such long stories and how boring they were. I never stopped to question why he was coming up to me in the first place, or why he even remembered something from fifteen years prior. 

In college, my friend’s mom used to tell us “It’s your movie”. We get to do what we want with our lives, we get to choose who we cast as the best friend, the villain, the heroine, the love interest. We also choose the setting and where the story unfolds. I remember thinking it felt selfish to adopt such a mindset – who am I to be the star of the show? Her words stuck in my head, and would float up anytime I listened to my heart and made a choice that felt dramatic yet fully aligned. 

Now, one of my mentors tells me all the time that we are the writers, the directors, and the stars of our own movies and this year, falling in and out of love, it finally clicked. I think it took so long because I was so used to reading and the movie metaphor didn’t translate, but ultimately it’s all just different methods of the same kind of storytelling. 

This is MY story. I choose to cast people in roles that align with my purpose and my heart and that means- I choose who plays what role and for how long. I’ve released the limiting belief that it is selfish to be in the spotlight, and replaced it with a genuine love for myself and truth that I’m worthy of expressing myself and my story.

I am not the victim, and Patt is not the villain in my story. He’s a man who fell in love with me, and then fell in love with someone else. In taking action on this, he has forfeited all rights to my heart and to be a main character in my story, so he could be the main character in his. He was an actor who played a beautiful complex layered role during a very important part of the story, where I was experimenting with who I am and realizing that I am meant for so much more. In loving him with my full heart, I cast him in a role he was not a perfect fit for – no matter how many amazing conversations, adventures, and orgasms we shared together. Stories can be beautiful or they can be deadly depending on your perspective, how you choose to tell it, and ultimately, how you treat yourself as the main character. I’ve thanked Patt for his services and kicked him the fuck off my stage. 

Now, I open a new chapter- one of exploring and fully expressing myself and showing up with love for the world.  I choose to view falling in and out of love during a quarantine as an important part of my story, a character changing lesson that was crucial for my character to show up in all of her delicious, beautiful, badassery, and yet it is NOT the main plot line people will remember when they leave the theatre, when they put down the book, when the curtain falls. I am the true love of my life, and I’ll find a partner who honors that. I look towards the future with excitement and awe for who I'll be and what I'll see. I lovingly remind myself that if I thought the last year was any indication of how amazing and beautiful my life is going to be, I better buckle up and cancel any plans I have aside from living this story because it’s about to get wild. Thank you.

*No hard feelings dude, high school was hard and I always thought you were cute.

Jamie Clark is a writer, artist, and improviser exploring the United States in a van.  She’d love to connect on Instagram @sunflower.vigilante or on Clubhouse @jamiemcjmc. For more information on the identity shifting program where you learn that everything you thought to be true was just something you learned and you’d like to release the shit that is no longer serving you and replace that shit with lovely flowers, visit trainingcampforthesoul.com. If you think you are good fit for the role of Partner in her movie and would like to audition, send all inquiries and headshots to sunflower.vigilante@gmail.com with the Hamilton reference(s) in this blogpost as the subject line. 

I am delusional but maybe not in the way you think.
Here are 5 things to know.
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As usual, Like, Subscribe and Follow!

Okay, so I am absolutely delusional and I embrace it. What? How can someone know that they are delusional but love it anyway? Because at some point I realized that it is the only real way to live.

Here is what happened. I lived most of my life being afraid of being delusional. So I hyper focused on other delusional people and their shortcomings; specially in the show business world.

I see so many comedians who go up week after week with jokes that just do not work and then they blame the audience. I see people not understand why they are not booked on shows when it is obvious to me they may not be as funny, yet. Or if they are funny, they don't have the name recognition or there may be other factors in play. I see actors who don’t have any substantial acting credits who think they should have been cast instead of Emma Stone for that Oscar winning role.

People ACTUALLY believe that they deserve to be an Oscar winner when they have no substantial acting credits to their name. I find this to be delusional.

Then people fake it until they make it. They will say they have a big movie in the works when in fact they do not. They will say they are friends with Dane Cook and perform with him all the time. When in fact they only happened to do a set on a show once; when he happened to pop in at a show.

They will say they are an entrepreneur and can deliver x y and z through their connections. When in fact, they can't deliver much at all.

Being witness to this and living this over and over, I decided to DOUBLE DOWN on making sure I stay in reality. I’m never going to talk about my successes and me. I am NOT going to bring up what I am up to. I am NEVER going to think I am funny enough for myself but instead let the audience decide. I am NEVER going to make promises that are a stretch that I can’t deliver.

Until... the pendulum swinging started presenting its own problems. I started gaslighting myself into believing "I am not all that.” I started believing I was actually not worth it. I started believing that if I actually were to believe I was worth it I would be delusional, like those people I talked about above.

Now, I am opting for delusion. It's actually better than gaslighting.

Here are 5 things I learned:

1) You will always come across as delusional to someone No matter who you are, people can think you are delusional, for whatever reason.

Last week I talked about my friend, a self-proclaimed big girl who has the confidence and knows she is beautiful. I find her beautiful. I think she is absolutely gorgeous. But she has been a victim of bullying. So then does she abandon her own belief she is beautiful? Does she go with the crowd for fear of being delusional in her confidence? That is absolutely absurd.

If I am watching her, I can take the position of believing in her and cheering her on for leaning inward on her beliefs. Why can't I do that for me? It was a big A HA! moment.

I realized that some people out there think I should not do comedy. Some people think I should not be trying to spread YAYFUL joy without a college degree and leave it to psychologists. Some people think that I am too young or too old, or too casual or whatever.

I realized that there would always be people who are not going to think I am on the mark. And so since that is so unstable, I must lean into myself for my good opinion!

2) I had to explore what I actually think

Instead of looking outward for the good opinion from others, I started choosing to lean in. Which means, I really had to identify what I actually thought about my abilities.

You know what? I actually think I am very proficient! Because from my accomplishments, from a practical standpoint I think I have some good merits that make sense in me believing I am proficient.

Then immediately I started thinking… Oh no, what If I am great all by myself and I am in my own world?

So, I came up with this technique:

3) Be delusional like a scientist

Okay so Edison made 1000 failed attempts at inventing the light bulb.
He was delusional in the eyes of most because he had a vision that most others hadn't seen yet.

However, I think Edison was great because he was delusional like a scientist. He was able to gather the data from his failures and try again.
He fixed what didn't work, and he tried again, and again and again...
Most likely he didn’t think to himself, "I am a terrible scientist. I should just quit.” He kept trying. He kept believing in himself that he was a good scientist, even when he hadn't found the solution, yet.

This idea gave me a new perspective. A comedian who goes on stage night after night with jokes that don't work over and over and over and over and then blames the audience is delusional. In a way, they are closed off to feedback. It's like Edison releasing the same lightbulb that doesn't work and then blames everyone for not acknowledging the light, when there was no light from the bulb.

I realized I can be this kind of delusional person:
Hey, my brand has some legs. Hey, I’m a good comedian and writer.

I may miss the mark here and there, but that does not mean I am a bad comedian, writer, entrepreneur. It means that I missed the mark.
I can take the information whether it be a bombed comedy set, a misstep in a product launch or a misspoken word and examine the cause and effect. Then adjust to becoming even stronger.

At my core, I need to maintain that: I am strong. I am capable. Whatever I am.

4) Some people will just not believe you. Let them think you are delusional

When I tell people that I perform comedy and corporate trainings and have a bestselling book out and a corporation, some people literally don't believe me. They roll their eyes and say, sure. Why haven’t I heard of you?

People who puff up their actual accomplishments act this way towards me. This attitude is so prevalent here in Hollywood. I was always so afraid of that type of response. I kept all of my wins to myself. I never let people know. In fact, I started downplaying it to myself, on purpose. I purposefully made everything I was involved in seem small so that I wouldn't have to face those people who don't believe me. I did this so much to the point where I was losing contracts, because I did such a great job of underselling myself.

At some point I decided WHO CARES. Here are the facts:
I did do all those things. Suck it peanut gallery. And the things I’m involved in or have accomplished are not little. Everything I’m proud of are a big deal and took a lot of work on my part.

I decided I was no longer going to “play small.”

5) Stop the internalizing

Part of being a successfully delusional person has to do with accepting that you are not going to be perfect. There is always room for growth.

I think I confused defending myself from facing unwanted results with believing in myself.

I can believe in myself and take in the external feedback. Feed it all through my system and apply corrections to come back better next time. This is not the same as placing the blame for undesired results.

BUT! When I get a result, I do not want, can I actually stop, think about what happened without the result having meaning as it relates to my worth as a comedian entrepreneur whatever.

If I bomb a set, it's not that I SUCK and that I am TERRIBLE it's more like, what did I DO that contributed to that result? Notice I said contributed. Sometimes people just aren’t feeling you! And, that is not going to determine how I feel about myself as a whole. Just like Edison. He got negative results. He’s a good scientist. He made adjustments. He tried again.

I am so glad that I gave this some thought this week. I have been playing small. I have been downplaying myself, and undercutting myself to others and me because I didn't want to be delusional.

One clarification:
Someone will always think I am delusional anyway. I can be absolutely certain of my value and examine my results in an impartial way for best results.

This all gives me the confidence to say:

YA KNOW WHAT?
DELUSIONAL OR NOT.
I THINK I AM AWESOME.

Growing up a nerd in hiding - Five things I learned

My name is Georgia and I am a nerd. I read neuroscience books for fun, am obsessed with online learning course, play baroque recorder and sleep with a soft toy Gorilla named Boba - after Boba Fett.

When my podcast Laugh Factory Nerd World came out this May (May the 4th of course ;)) I got messages from high school friends, family member and a few exes all asking the same thing “You are a nerd??” Yes friends, yes family - I may not have the glasses, or the suspenders but I am a nerd and it has taken until this past year, when we were all forced to do some serious going inside while inside, for me to own it proudly. I have spent years trying to hang with the cool kids and I’m exhausted - being cool is hard work…and pretending to be someone you aren’t is even harder.

Like all kids - young or old - I chose to hide my true self when my body got the message I wasn’t safe being me. I can trace it back to the end of sixth grade. Up until then I had no buzzes what so ever about dressing up as William Shakespeare to deliver my class project - silver foil shoe buckles and all; or spending lunchtimes creating Logo Writer vocabulary generation code with my boyfriend - who by the way was captain of the basketball and football team, 6ft tall, handsome and also a total nerd! But when I decided to stage a performance of Red and Black from Les Miserables for our final school assembly things changed fast. I have always been a musical theatre nerd and back then I was OBSESSED with Les Miserables. I had got my hands on a copy of the entire score over spring break and when we came back I had copies printed and highlighted, staging planned and had cast my master piece from my friends in the school choir.

My best friend Steve - who incidentally went on to win an Olympic gold medal - was aptly cast as Marius, and I was to be Enjorlas, Leader of the Revolution- of course. Looking back now I am not sure my friends were that excited about the whole thing and maybe felt a little self conscious working our choreography every lunch time on the the top oval amongst the footy and soccer games, but they persevered because of my passion and determination to leave our modern operatic legacy.

A few of the other sixth grade girls in choir - who were always acting too cool for me - got wind of this production (admittedly it wasn’t a stealth mission) and decided it sabotage it, kind of like Javert at the barricades. They started watching our rehearsals and teasing me for being a nerd and a baby who sang stupid songs! Steve and my other friends told me not to care and said they were just jealous. I tired. But then they started the I HATE GEORGIA CLUB and one girl left a note with a horrid drawing on it threatening to light a tampon on fire and stick it up my bum. This might have felt like an empty threat except for my knowledge that she had been suspended earlier that year for hitting a boy over the head with a cricket bat. Once again, Steve and my friends tried to help and said they would start the I LOVE GEORGIA CLUB but the damage was done. I called off the production - much to everyone else’s relief most likely. I put away the score of Les Mis and sat through the final school assembly as Christy (one of the girls in the I Hate Georgia Club) sang Mariah Carey’s Hero receiving thunderous applause from a packed school hall.

Message received world - cool is cool, loving the things I love is not and if you want to survive you better learn how to like songs in the top 40 countdown.

Spending my life trying to keep the real me quiet has brought with it many lessons; lessons I wish someone could have told me then; lessons that have made me into the musical theater loving,  opera singing, brain science studying nerdburger that I am so so very proud to be today and below are a few i’d like to share with you in the hope that it might help you come out from what ever shell you might be hiding the true you under.

1. Nerds make the best partners!

Ok so let’s cut right to the things that really matter right? Dating. I’ve dated the jocks, the fancy business leaders even the celebrities and I can tell you without a doubt the best relationships of my life have been with nerds. Nerds are passionate and excited about the most wonderful things and would rather spend their time doing those things than being out at bars or clubs meting other potential mates (yes I called them ‘potential mates’.) Nerds are not used to “getting the girl” so once they have you they will value you, adore you and not take you for granted. Nerds don’t expect you to look and behave perfectly all the time because - in the words of one of my fav stand ups Adam Hills -  “we are just happy you want to have sex with us and have a favorite episode of the Simpsons.”

2. It is your nerdiness or difference that will make you a success

I tried for years to fit into the Hollywood mold - the right hair, clothes, resting bitch face. I couldn’t do it! My face wants to smile, I hate showing my midriff; I lost all of my hair from Alopecia in 2007 and that is when things took off for me. It was literally losing part of my false identity that allowed me to live into my  purpose of spreading positive messages for kids. What’s more, it was being overly bubbly, bouncy and happy that landed me my two biggest voice over roles in A list video games - what up my gaming Nerds!?! Embrace your difference, capitalize on what makes you ‘weird’ I promise it is what the world wants!!

3. When people say things will change - believe them!!

It’s not easy to hear advice when you are in the middle of the yucky specially when you are working sooo hard and nothing seems to be changing. For years I felt like I would always be hiding, that I would always be misunderstood and that I would never be able to allow myself to be me. I saw ‘getting older’ as a slope downwards where things would just get worse and I was so afraid that all that I dreamed of for my life and for the lives of those I wanted to help was disappearing. Turns out that slope was curved up. I was doing the work, healing my hurt, unlearning the lessons i’d taught myself for protection. Slowly but surely the real me was sticking its head out, checking its surroundings and now I have no intention of ever going back Things do change - if you do the work. Things do get better if you keep betting on yourself. And I promise you, you are worth betting on!!

4. Life is too long and too short.

When I look back on all the years that I spent with people who I didn’t really want to spend time with, who didn’t like the things I liked, who talked about shopping, and gossip and their jets… What a waste!! I could have been getting down with my buddies debating Mozart vs Bach or hitting baseballs at Castle Park while riffing on the firing and rewiring of neural pathways - urgh!! We have too many hours and weeks and years in our lives to spend it with the people that aren’t our people!! What’s more life is too short to spend time trying to make those folks into our people! If someone doesn’t get you for you - all of you - please, my love, move on! If you were to live for 100 years and meet a new person ever minute of your life - without sleeping you would only ever meet 52, 560,000 people in your lifetime - that leaves over 7.6 billion people for you to meet who might get your jokes!!! Life is too short move on!!

5. Most people are hiding something about themselves.

As I have grown to embrace and talk proudly about the whole me - nerd bits and all- it has become very clear to me that pretty much everyone is hiding a part of themselves which they were told was not ‘ok’. Their message may not have come in the form of frightening feminine hygiene product threat but we all get these messages at one point and we make ourselves smaller, less than and build a deep shame around that part of us. I think it is time for a shame revolution. Too many of us are carrying shame that doesn’t belong to use. Too many of us are still holding onto a belief that we won’t be loved if we show the whole of us to the world. And if soo many of us are living like this then perhaps it is this shame and fear the could be our greatest connector; our biggest moment of empathy yet as a human species and could be the thing that sets us all free from our past. 

Will you join me?? This Leader of the revolution is ready in the wings with her flag held high! I still remember my lines…Do you hear the people sign?? When the beating of your heart, Echoes the beating of the drums, There is a life about to start, When tomorrow comes!

Twitter and insta: @georgiavanc

Fb /georgiavancuylenburg

Summer of 2004. Ronald Reagan just took a dirt nap. The USA is invading Iraq. A couple months previous, Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jacksons breast to millions of viewers during the Super Bowl. I was eight years old and I was on my way to my first saxophone lesson.

I grew up in an extremely musical family. It started with my grandfather on my dad’s side, he was a trombonist for the Glenn Miller Orchestra. He married my grandmother, a violist and music school drop out (ironically enough I’m typing this on what would be her 91st birthday - happy heavenly birthday nana I hope I’m making you proud with dropping out of music school as well and being chaotic in my everyday life!)

Together they had my dad; where most of of my musical background comes from. My father was born and raised in Los Angeles and has played trumpet since he was 5 years old. He’s toured the world with Barry White and the Love Unlimited Orchestra and then Jimmy Witherspoon. His group, the metropolitan boptet was one of the first groups that India Arie got to perform with in LA and he still keeps in contact with her. My earliest memories are sitting at a piano with my dad and him teaching me the fundamentals of music. Washoe County School District in Reno, Nevada did not have a big emphasize on the importance of arts or music, so my dad filled in where they let off. When I was 8 and able to hold an instrument, it was either the trumpet or the saxophone. He had an old Conn Shooting Star alto saxophone laying around and I decided that I wanted to play that.

From that moment of deciding what instrument I wanted to play, I started to try and build my own identity as a musician. I knew I wanted to be a musician, I enjoyed it and I understood it and picked it up quickly. But maintaining my own identity and style would be something I would struggle with to this very day. Being a woman in the music industry is hard enough, but when you’re living in the shadows of your insanely talented relatives, it gets hard. When I studied music in college it came to an ugly head when I lost myself and tried to end things bc i was struggling with my identity. Not only was I just a trumpet player’s daughter - but a university musician. I didn’t want to compose, practice or anything. It was all for other people and not myself. There’s a lot I learned from that moment I tried to end it. I’ve come back and I’m still trying to find my identity. And that’s something that a lot of musicians struggle with and it’s not talked about enough.

1. Remember why you are playing music

It’s easier said than done, but at the end of the day you are playing music and performing for yourself first. As you develop your sound and technique, do what is comfortable for you (yes have good posture and embouchure because that can actually damage you and hurt you.) Especially after many years of lessons, festivals, rehearsals, screaming matches.. it’s easy to get lost. When you are a long time player you lose track on who this is all for. At the end of the day it’s you. YOU have spent years practicing and perfecting your craft; not your teachers, professors or private instructors. Make a beautiful sound, or just a sound in general to make yourself feel some sense of satisfaction. Not everyone can play a Bb (in tune) on a clarinet or hold out an altissimo G. Give yourself some credit. This is all for you, not your parents or professors. Make your brain happy.

2. DO not get flustered over playing something wrong. Practice smart!

God dammit I played a B natural in a C7 chord for the 80th time nothing ever works I am a failure WHY am I still playing this I can’t do it I’m gonna quit ANGER RUN IN SENTENCE OF ANGER!

Stop. Take a breath. Go for a walk. Drink water. Play a video game. Meditate! When you are constantly practicing a passage and playing it wrong, give yourself time to walk away. You do not have to grind in as many takes as you can in your practice session, there is just as much value in walking away as running the piece again. You practice the mistakes, they’re gonna happen. Give your brain time to reset and get it under your fingers. Slow it down. Stop in between each note and reset your fingers so you build your dexterity. Listen to the intervals so you’re playing them in tune. Sing your part if you’re an instrumentalist. Make it sound good and stylistically how you want, but give yourself time to analyze and make a plan on how it will come to fruition. BREATHE!

3. Yes practice, but give yourself time to relax and reflect

Practicing is the only way to get better.. partially true. Smart practicing is the way to get better results. Make a plan for what you are going to practice. Scales? Etudes? Plan a focused practice, but also plan a break. We all cannot be Charlie Parker and practice 15 hours a day. Your work ethic will not suffer if you only practice for half an hour on Tuesday and relax the rest of the night. If you don’t give yourself adequate time to reset and recharge, you’re going to spin your wheels. There is no shame in sitting in silence and reflecting on yourself and your music. You are not a machine that was put on this planet for the sole purpose of making music to get a grade or bring honor to your family’s name. Relax. Play smarter, not harder.

4. Music academia is hard on everyone, do not beat yourself up

This is the big one right here that isn’t talked about enough. Playing on behalf of a group, University or band leader for years on end takes a heavy toll on you. It comes to a point where you are introduced “under the direction of” or “on behalf of the university” “dr. *insert name*’s student” or my favorite “oh hey you are Scott’s daughter!” Your identity is lost. Mine was. I dropped out of music school after studying classical and jazz and had no idea what I wanted to play. I loved playing both styles, but I never got a gig for just myself. It was always for my dad’s groups or the university. It really left me kind of stranded. I joined an experimental noise group after I dropped out, that wasn’t it. I was under SO much pressure in school I got ahold of some pills and got into a bit of a bad habit. Everyone wanted me to be perfect, every professor wanted to brag about me. And I always got told I didn’t have time for the music I wanted to do because I had to play for school. Doing a jazz and classical rout was hard. I was in 3 jazz groups, 2 classical, private jazz AND classical lessons. It was a lot. And each professor thought they had the most important class and gave out the work to match it. I was burnt out. And that was before the pandemic, this past year I witnessed my boyfriend go through the same thing (I love you honey this is for you) and destroy his mental health. It’s an honor to play in university because you get to do music all day and not deal with customer service, but the work load is insurmountable. The music feels political and not fun anymore. It shouldn’t be like that. Don’t let music school take away your power. YOU are the musician, they should be thankful to have YOU and your money. Your talents are bringing them the recognition, not the other way around. Don’t let anyone take your power away. You are a great musician. After college, I stopped playing for a few years and picked up comedy. But back in mid 2019 I picked it back up and have been able to fulfill my musical dreams and make hip hop music. Don’t lose yourself. It won’t be like this forever. Tell your professor you need a mental health day and take a break.

5. Your best music will come from living life

“Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you that music has boundaries. But, man, there's no boundary line to art.” -Charlie Parker.

That is my favorite quote of all time. The world is huge. There are a million different things to experience and learn from. Music comes from within and your interpretation on life. Don’t be afraid to go out and live and have that be a reflection on your sound. Be confident in yourself and who you are as a person. You are more than someone’s kid, someone’s student. You are a living vessel that has the incredible capability to make something beautiful. Sound is subjective. What may sound like garbage to one person, may be the most beautiful thing to someone else. Be confident in your playing. Be confident in your adventures. Don’t let anyone tell you other wise.

By Noel Maureen

I have an insecurity about the way I look
5 things I learned

Live comedy is starting up live again. This week I went to Reno. I really wanted to have a good experience there because my last two times there were, kinda... ehhh...

Last time I was there was with a sociopath that I was dating, YIKES. The time before that, I almost hooked up with a homeless guy. Not that there is anything wrong with being homeless but lets just say it was a surprise. ALWAYS meet your Grindr date in public places!

Anyhooo...this visit, I noticed a new breed of comedians. I met energetic, empathetic, caring and supportive talent. I mean I have been visiting Reno to perform stand-up since 2012. It has always been literally 14 straight white guys and me.

This trip there were women, people of color and white guys too but the energy this time was one of love and care, which I LOVED.

One particular comedian stood out to me. Her name is Noel. She is a self-professed big girl. Her energy on stage was magnetic. Her confidence was undeniable. She has only been performing comedy for two years, but I really loved her spark.

So I invited her and her boyfriend, and Jim my Reno buddy over to dinner! We started talking about what makes her so confident. She said, “I know that beauty is subjective, and know I am beautiful.”

I was envious. I want to feel that confident about myself but I would be lying if I said I did. Here is the thing. I am not a bad looking guy. I’ve even done a bit of modeling. I mean for like, Walmart. I am stock model pretty. ha ha!! I noticed I didn't feel that way. After talking to her and doing a deep dive on my long drive back from Reno, here are five things I learned:

5. The acting industry can affect your self-esteem negatively
TV and film are visual mediums. Naturally you can get or not get jobs because you look the part of not. Literally you can lose jobs because your nose is too big or you have wide set eyes.

Literally I've been out on calls for "nerdy-someone no one would notice blends into the background” and "sexy guy our hero who just bought a Chevrolet.” I’ve been on castings like these on the same day. So I would dress up in an old t shirt for one audition and then change into upscale casual “J Crew” attire for the next one. This can mess with you.

One time, I went out on an audition for “scary skinny man.” I called my agent and was like…ummmm... I'm not scary skinny. I went to the audition and guess what; I booked the job. How? I don’t know. Does this mean I am scary skinny? I show up on the set, and they wrapped me in gauze so i wasn’t even seen. So it didn't matter? I mean seriously show biz can mess with you. But you know what? You have to have a strong center and belief in yourself like my friend, Noel.

4. Not everyone has the same idea of beauty
I run into this a lot. When dating, I run into a lot of men who are not into guys with no hair on their body. I run into some who don’t like Asian guys. I run into others who don't prefer men, and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. It comes back to, you can't lean on other people's opinion to feel beautiful. If you are on grindr and someone likes little people with triple fs, there is no way I am going to win.  No matter how "conventionally beautiful.”  It just doesn’t work that way. 

3. It's not so much the "beauty" it’s the confidence
When I think of this idea, I think of Prince. Prince to me was not conventionally beautiful. He was like 5’5" and very skinny, maybe 120 pounds. But he was one of the sexiest men alive. 
He owned what he had and exuded confidence around what he had. Was he for everyone? No. His confidence made him a magnet for those who were truly attracted to him. I think it is a beautiful thing.

My friend Noel had the same approach. As I spent time with her, she became more and more beautiful to me. I think because she had decided to be confident in who she was and that confidence is absolutely magical!

2) I must develop my own opinion of me
I don’t think I am for everyone bu I am a unique type. Stepping into who I am and loving myself will help me find those who feel the same way;
instead of marking myself as somehow inappropriate because I don’t match the arbitrary beauty standards of tom dick or harry!

1) It starts with a decision to no longer resist who I am
In many ways we are taught to resist who we are. I look in the mirror and sometimes I feel too tall. I feel too fat. I feel too Asian. I feel too gay. I feel too ugly. I feel I have too many wrinkles. etc etc

What would it be like to accept myself as just who I am?
I am 6’1" - Great. Can I not resist that? Can I come to love who I am for who I am?

I think it actually started in my childhood. When i was growing up I hated that I was a male. My mom and my grandmother had been so incredibly abused by the men around them
that they were very very angry at men. They would sit around and openly say things like, ”Men are scum they are terrible.” Understandable since grandpa beat grandma regularly, and my dad had a whole other family on the other side of the country that he kept from my mom.
The way they talked made me feel like I was an enemy and so I tried to dis-identify as a male. BY BEING GAY.
I am joking...  ha ha there is no way I am not gay, trust me.
I think there is deeply held belief that I am to be feared or that there is something wrong with me. The reality is, there is nothing wrong with me.
I am a man. A big man. A strong man and a beautiful man. I choose not to look at myself as defective any longer. I wish to step into who I am and stand proudly.
Never mind what show business thinks or men I date or Instagram or my mom or magazines. I want to step into me. I think that is something incredible that I learned this week.
--
Aidan Park
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter!

Masturbate more!

Just kidding. That seemed like the obvious joke here,and I couldn’t help myself. But also I’m not kidding. If masturbation is something that helps bring you to an understanding of your own worth, so much so that you don’t need anyone’s validation to feel good, DO IT.  

For too long, I depended on what others thought of me, or what they could do for me to prove that I was good enough. At the age of 13, I told my parents I wanted to be an actress and I started going to auditions in Los Angeles. I was luckier than most to have parents who were willing to drop everything to drive me from the California Bay Area to Los Angeles for a 5-minute audition, but the constant rejection from a young age did quite a number on my self-esteem. Did I say I was an actress? Ha! I should really say child AUDITIONER because I never booked anything during those formative years.  When your parents drive you 500 miles to book a job and you don’t get it, that pressure can really make you crack. It really made me believe that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, or talented enough to get what I wanted. All this on top of the fact that I was already an insecure teen. Lines blurred between my “career” and social life as I transferred the fear of rejection from casting directors into my personal relationships and started looking for validation from my friends and family. It led me to saying yes to people and situations that weren’t really aiding my highest self.  My worth became SO dependent on the mercy of others that eventually I began to wonder why I felt so empty and devoid of purpose.  My passion for living and love for the stage began to fade because I didn’t know who I was anymore. After discovering the invaluable tool of therapy, I decided that it was time to begin the journey within and allow myself to put me first. 

Here are 5 things that helped:

1.    Perspective shift 

Change does not happen overnight, but it does begin with a thought. It’s significant to start shifting the way we think little by little and how we talk to ourselves in our own heads. A lot of my past self-talk revolved around not being enough. I would ask myself, “Why me? What makes me worth success?” These questions didn’t feel good, so I started reframing all my negative thoughts into optimistic ones by asking the right questions. “Why me?” turned into “Why not me?” For a while I had shame around being “self-centered, and that held me back from uplifting myself. I realized I could shift my perspective and see being “self-centered” as “self-loving” instead. As people pleasers, we are experts at putting ourselves last. Instead of asking myself,“What would others think?”- I started asking,“What do I think?”Asking the right questions will provide beautiful answers.

2.    Make time for yourself

Now that you are learning to think the right way about yourself, it’s time to put these thoughts into applied action. That means making time for you and allowing yourself the room to be joyful in your own being.  I read a wonderful book called The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron that was for anyone looking to find what makes them uniquely creative.  One of my favorite things I took from her teachings was to make time to take yourself on a weekly “Artist Date.” It is a date you take yourself on to do something that you really enjoy. It’s best you do it by yourself to really start finding comfort in the silence of your own company. It can be a solo hike, grabbing a meal at your favorite spot, or even as simple as Netflix and chill with yourself.  Whatever brings you happiness, do it! Guaranteed, when you start becoming more comfortable being in your own silences, you’ll start listening to yourself more.   

3.    Set boundaries

You are now thinking better and making the time to listen to yourself!  YAY! I know when I finally started listening to myself, I became much more aware of how people and situations were actually making me feel.  I was way more receptive to being in present moments of enjoyment. That also meant I was hyper aware of when someone or something didn’t make me feel good.  I used to ignore the unpleasant feelings and just tell myself to suck it up, so as to not cause any trouble with anyone.  I didn’t want to be “too much.” I realized that thinking I was never enough was based on the fact that I was afraid to take up any space at all. As you expand your inner self and keep planting new flowers in your garden of self-love, you need to start removing the weeds. You need to set boundaries around what does not serve you. Discover the power of no! You teach others how to treat you by setting boundaries.   This can be one of the hardest parts of the journey because pulling out a deep root from your garden can be scary.  Sometimes it can manifest as finally leaving that job or relationship you’ve felt stuck with. In my own case, it even meant cutting out some of my family which was very painful. But why would you leave a dead plant in your garden? Removing something from your life doesn’t always mean it’s gone forever either. Sometimes removing that dead plant is part of taking the necessary steps to replant it and see it bloom anew.

4.    Healthy habits

Your garden is in full bloom now! All the butterflies, hummingbirds and bees that deserve to be in your garden are thriving with you. NO PESTS ALLOWED! However, a garden doesn’t stay alive by itself. We have to make sure to nurture it properly to maintain its beauty. That means implementing the consistent healthy habits in your own life to ensure we maintain the strength of our own self-love. Watering my garden has taken the form of therapy, journaling, exercise, and meditation. Having a consistent self-care routine of healthy habits helps you stay centered and grounded within yourself at all times. The roots in our garden will be unswayed by the winds of others. Not today!

5.    Validate your damn self

When your garden is looking and feeling this good, you don’t need compliments from anyone else to recognize that! I’m not saying you should deny validation. If someone gives you your flowers in the form of compliments, graciously accept them. You deserve it for all the inner work you have been putting in! But it doesn’t mean you require this validation to thrive. Get in the practice of coming to yourself for validation. The single most empowering thing you can realize on your self-love journey is that you need look no further for that love and acceptance than from within yourself! Having a good support system in friends and family will always be invaluable, but there is liberation in validating yourself and your decisions before you reach out to another to get that verbal pat on the back. You can reach over and pat your own back, water your own roses, AND pleasure your own genitals. DON’T YOU FORGET IT!

By Comedian Nina Gosiengfiao

My first real memory of depression hitting me was in 2007. I was a senior in high school. I was off-campus having lunch with my friends. We did what we usually do, and smoked a couple of bowls during lunch. One of our friends would never join in, but this day was different. He asked us if he could smoke, and said he was going through a rough time at home.

So there we were smoking cheap weed out of a monster can on a baseball field. It was one of the funniest times I've had with him, he was cracking jokes, giggling like crazy. Then it was time to head back to class. He never made it back though. He took his own life with his handgun in the school parking lot. I can still see the scene in my head like it happened yesterday.

I had no idea what to do with my feelings, I've never really felt anything like that before. Before that, suicide never even crossed my mind. I struggled with feeling like it was my fault for getting him stoned beforehand. I felt lost. Everything I loved to do in life before then, all seemed so insignificant, and not worth any energy. I felt blank.

I think that word sums up how I feel when I'm depressed. Blank. Not sad, not mad, not happy, not worried, just...blank.

I didn't seek therapy right away. I was still young, and very arrogant. I thought I could deal with it myself. So I bottled up my feelings. And just went along living life. This led to me turning to opiates, cannabis, and alcohol to self-medicate. It took me another 11 years to finally seek help, which led to me finally being diagnosed with clinical depression and seeking treatment. I'm still working on it to this day. But I'm happy to say seeking help, has helped me make tremendous progress in dealing with it.

5 things I learned living with depression:

1. You’re not alone

One of the biggest things I felt when I'm depressed is isolation. That feeling when you see other people going about their lives, making progress in school, their careers, families, financial goals, etc. And you can't even find the energy to get out of bed. It's a terrible feeling. But it doesn't have to be. Believe it or not, there are others, who are feeling what you're feeling. Maybe you can find a thread, or a chatroom, to talk to others who feel how you do, without leaving the bed. Maybe start a meeting program for others in your community, and start a safe place to talk. Or maybe just keep laying in bed. Be kind to yourself. We're all doing the best we can.

2. “You’re too funny to be depressed.”

Not to brag, but yes I've had someone say that to me after I told them I struggled with depression. I'll admit I was never one to think about how my words affected others very much. But they do. Words have profound effects, and even the ones that seem the most benign can cause a lot of damage to someone. It doesn't make you weak to have empathy for how people feel.

3. Don’t bottle it up

Please whatever you do if you're feeling depressed, having suicidal ideation, struggling with anger, talk about it. Whether it's a therapist, a loved one, a trusted confidant at work, for the love of all that is good in the universe...TALK IT OUT. Being able to identify and elaborate what I'm feeling, has become the most useful tool in my treatment of depression.

4. Medication is ok, self-medication is not

If you feel like you've tried everything in your power and it still doesn't help, you might have a major depressive disorder. This is okay because there is medication that helps with the chemical imbalance. What isn't okay is self-medicating with substances. While it might make you feel better for the time being. It can lead to several long-term problems down the road. Like addiction, increased health problems (mental, and physical). And can lead to worsening the problem.

5. It will always be there

Whenever I hear about people like Robin Williams, Brody Stevens, my friend Jeff Mitroka, who were all in their 50's to 60's when they succumbed to their battle with depression, it makes me realize that it will probably be with me for life. And that's okay. Life is a learning process. And I'm willing to learn how to deal with depression. And hope that you are willing to learn too if you have it. Life is beautiful, and if today is hard, there's always a new day around the corner to try again.

Be kind to yourself.

By Comedian Corey Huber

IG: @comedydecorey

If you're struggling with depression, suicidal ideation with intent, or feel the need to talk to someone anonymously please call the national hotline: (800) 273-8255

Or you can also chat with someone on their website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Or even text me at (925) 314 - 5646

Living in chronic pain - 5 Things I learned

I sat at home, icing my wrists from what seemed like a temporary body ache after doing intensive filing and working on a computer at a part-time job. Little did I know, this was the beginning of a completely new era of my life. None that I would wish upon another human being. What seemed like a temporary strain, turned into 30 days later being unable to go to work, sit upright in a chair due to the shooting pains from my neck down my arms and the inability to hold a pen between my fingers. The five year relationship supposedly heading for an official union fell apart. I became reliant upon disability to survive (which by the way you cannot pay the bills on living in a major city), unable to sleep at night or dress myself effectively due to excruciating pain and the concept of following my dreams to perform was implausible. My world had crumbled. Panic attacks became the norm. I was 31 years old.

Here are five things I’ve learned, from living in long term chronic pain:

Self blame is the mind’s enemy

Ironically,  I was the ergonomic point person in my department. I attended trainings, took breaks, did the appropriate stretches, had the ergonomic keyboard, gel mousepad, the correct foot rest and back support. Then how and why did this happen? What did I do wrong? This is great for analysis, but beyond that, I’ve learned to no longer entertain that conversation. It doesn’t help. It only makes me feel worse and is disempowering. It happened, because it did. Now let’s move forward.

Stop explaining  - simply smile sweetly and move on.

My experience has shown the underlying reason people really want details about how you got hurt is so they won’t end up like you. At first, I genuinely believed that people were deeply concerned for me. After all, that’s how I felt about others. However, as time went by I noticed it was fear in their eyes not compassion. Phrases like, ‘oh I have an ergonomic keyboard’, or  “I have a really good chiropractor - they are amazing’, or “God didn’t get you this far for you to be like this, you are too young’.  I was after all, in one’s prime earning years and then witnessing a vibrant go-getter suddenly restricted and icing their body numerous hours per day was...scary for them. My body’s inability to heal without something they were doing or had to do, was a threat. 99% of people that ask how I became injured, do so they won’t. Therefore, I remain friendly and smile. They will never know what it’s like and I don’t want them to either!

Digging deep within to trust my intuition

Navigating the Workmen’s Comp system was tremendously taxing. Intuitively I knew living on pain medications and numbing shots for the remainder of my life was not a long-term solution. Only when I began to find practices that felt right for me intuitively did I begin to find healing solutions. I investigated Meditation to deal with long-term pain. Eventually I found a practice that on the first day of learning, my body no longer needed to sleep for the three hours every afternoon, had me sleeping through the whole night, and as a result got me back into the workforce.

Expel the victim mindset with creativity and humility 

Asking for help once isn't easy, asking for it multiple times, over years is humbling and often humiliating. I’ve learned to trust that if I ask for help and am rejected it is an opportunity to reach out to another person or investigate another possibility. Being creative about solutions, asking without expectation and not taking rejection personally has been the freedom life raft from victim mentality. Easier said than done, right? I get it.

A support community 

Your family of origin, or pre injury friend group is not necessarily the family able to give you the support to heal. Remember that having an injury long term is a threat to many people and it brings up fear. Re-creating a community of people that accept you as you are, complete and whole even in pain, without needing you to get back to “normal’, (for them to be okay) is imperative.

HOW TO CONNECT:

Instagram @paulajanenewman

Facebook: @paulajanenewman

YouTube - Cosmic Chats Show: https://www.YouTube.com/c/AwareMeditation

www.awaremeditation.com
www.instagram.com/Awaremeditation
www.youtube.com/c/Awaremeditation
www.facebook.com/awaremeditation
https://www.linkedin.com/in/awaremeditation

If you’ve seen my standup in the past few years, you probably know that I’ve struggled with infertility. I make jokes about, but underneath that humor there’s a lot of pain. I don’t talk often about it because I can tell it makes people uncomfortable. When I do talk about it, I’m usually making jokes. The fact is that going through infertility is by far the hardest struggle I’ve been through, which is probably why I don’t talk about it much. 

Here’s a little background—my husband and I started trying to conceive shortly after getting married. Won’t this be fun?! (Hint: it’s not) I was in my late 30’s, but I figured I’m healthy so how hard can it be? Turns out, it’s very hard. Impossible, in fact ( or “improbable” as my doctor put it). We decided to try IVF. The first round failed. Then the second, then the third, then the fourth. After our last failed round, I was done. Not physically, but emotionally. I couldn’t handle any more heartbreak. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this kind of devastation. I went into it worried about giving myself shots, but that was the easy part. The hard part is what no one tells you—that often times IVF can lead to a lot of grieving, and there’s no real way to process that kind of grief. I went from being a positive, upbeat person to being just a shell of myself. What’s the silver lining? Well, there isn’t one, except that I grew a lot as a person. And I survived, which is actually a huge win. 

5 Things I’ve Learned: 

5) Find your tribe. This is a tough journey and most people don’t get it. The friends you may be used to leaning on might not be there for you. It’s not their fault—they just don’t get it. So find the ones who will. I went to support groups. I also found that some of my lifelong friends from high school and college gave me the support I needed and didn’t even ask for. I even found unexpected support from people who were just acquaintances but saw my struggle and reached out. Going through this type of struggle is unlike any other (not worse, just different) and it’s hard to ask for help. So find the people in your life who will show up at your darkest moments. These are the real friends. 

4) Life isn’t fair. I’m generally a positive, half-glass full type of person. But sometimes life just isn’t fair. I went into my fertility journey thinking it would work. I was healthy and taking all the right steps, so why couldn’t I be pregnant, especially with the assistance of science? There’s no right answer to why, except that life isn’t fair. There are women who have no business being parents getting knocked up. There are women who get pregnant literally every time they have sex. Then there’s me. I did everything in my control to get pregnant, from special diets to acupuncture to everything in between, and I still just couldn’t get pregnant. I’ve accepted that life isn’t fair and these are the cards I’ve been dealt. Once I accepted that, I stopped blaming myself. 

3) Pain is temporary. But it sneaks up on you and you’ll get through it each time. 

Yes, we all know the saying that “pain is temporary.” If you’ve ever been to support group for anything, you’ve probably heard it. I had moments where I just didn’t think the pain would ever go away. I would sit in my car and cry uncontrollably, thinking I was so deep into depression that I could never get out of it. But I did. Eventually, the uncontrollable crying stopped. The debilitating depression stopped. At some point, I started wanting to socialize again. But don’t let it fool you. Pain never really goes away, it just distances itself. The triggers will sneak up on you. And that’s fine. We wouldn’t be human if we could put all our pain behind us and move on. But at least I now know that when it does sneak up on me, it will eventually pass and my life will go on. 

2) Use your pain in your art. As the late Carrie Fisher said, “Take your broken heart, make it into art.” When I was doing IVF, I started writing jokes about it. It was very scary and I felt vulnerable. Yet somehow getting on stage and telling jokes about my infertility to strangers felt more comfortable than talking to friends about it. It was so cathartic to speak openly about it and to be able to laugh about it. I also felt that by opening up about it in my standup, I was making other women feel less alone. There were shows where there were women in the audience who would say, “I’ve been there, too!” One of the reasons I love standup is that I can make someone’s day better, even if just for 5 minutes. If I can give a woman in the audience permission to laugh about her infertility, I’ve been successful at my job. Not only that, but I feel that once I was able to be vulnerable onstage, I found my voice in standup. 

1) It’s okay to be sad. We live in a society where we’re always supposed to smile and “have a nice day.” Some days just aren’t nice and a lot of times I don’t feel like smiling. And that’s okay. We shouldn’t view sadness as weakness, but rather an honest emotion in response to a life event. I felt incredibly sad for a very long time, and I don’t know how I could’ve felt any other way. I was given a lot well-intended encouragement like “it will work out” or “I just feel like you’re going to get pregnant, or the very worst, “everything happens for a reason.” These are the last things anyone wants to hear. 

But we live in a society where we’re always trying to fix things and make people feel better. We need to stop thinking we always need to feel good. New Zealand recently 

passed a law that gives women paid leave when they miscarry. And why not? Women need time to grieve. I was briefly pregnant, then I wasn’t (known as a “chemical pregnancy”). When I found out I was no longer pregnant, I went right back to work. I didn’t allow myself the time to grieve. I learned to compartmentalize my emotions, and that’s not healthy. Sometimes we’re just sad, and that’s okay. 

By Comedian Alice Cutler

IG: @alicercutler

Twitter: @thealicecutler

Hi! As usual, please Like, comment and subscribe!

Ok. So this week, I had a major scary goal and a major scary deadline. I was asked to put together an LGBTQ show for Pride. It’s at a wonderful venue, The Comedy Chateau; it’s like a castle of comedy! I was first asked to perform comedy for Pride at the Chateau, which then turned into me producing the show, which then turned into a fundraiser for Project Q. Project Q is a wonderful organization the helps homeless LGBTQ youth. The event quickly turned into something bigger than expected. Suddenly there was a gifting suite, a red carpet and tickets at $50.

I said to myself, “What is GOING ON?!” I don’t know how to do all of that!! I mean, I’ve produced before but I don't know anyone who can afford $50 tickets! Especially now! The world is on unemployment, what?

There are three women I work with that are KILLING it too. Lisa, our brand manager who pops out flyers and makes sure that we are always on brand. Lauren our PR manager who calls people day and night to get sponsors and Danica in product development, who is also trying to secure sponsors.

We have these great gifting bags of dirty sexy underwear (that sounded wrong), we have flavored butt wipes? We have sparking water, energy drinks, comedy tickets and still we had NO TICKETS SOLD as of last week.

I'm realizing... it's going to be up to me to sell these tickets. How to sell $50 tickets during Covid times? Well, I did it. And, I finished it early. Here is how I did it. The experience is beyond just about the tickets. It’s actually about the mindset to hit a goal.

1) Let go of fear and worry
It was Sunday, Memorial Day. I was in fear about everything.
I felt wishy washy. Not great about tickets. I didn't know whether it was going to happen or not, I was scared that no one would attend. We have all this fabulous stuff, and no one will be there. What to do… It was like spinning on a made-up future, that hasn't happened. It was like living in a nightmare, voluntarily. It all sucked. This isn't Nightmare on Elm street, hell no!

2) Let go of the wishy washy
Once I decided I wasn’t going to be fearful or worried, I decided okay...
Now sell the tickets or don’t sell the tickets. I asked myself, are you going to sell this out or not? I said to myself, screw this, I’m selling this and that is final. This wishy washy thing is actually my biggest complaint about the men I usually date. They’re always like, I don't know...should I, or should I not? I’m like, make a damn decision. If you don't make a decision, you are making a decision to, NOT MAKE A DECISION and it's an incredibly frustrating place to be.

I decided I was GETTING THESE TICKETS SALES DONE.

3) Enroll help
Luckily I have a good friends. I called friends from all over the country: Utah, Washington, New York… My friend’s RV wherever he is this week. I asked, “Do you know anyone who may be interested in buying a ticket?” They all stepped up.

Okay, I am an Aries and sometimes us Aries want to do everything alone!
It’s just not possible. Enrolling help is helping yourself. Sometimes you must swallow your PRIDE. Swallow your pride... but keep it safe ha ha!!

2) Be bold and ask
This is the part I had a hard time with. I have a real hard time asking for money. But in order to sell tickets, guess what you have to ask! Here is what people don't understand. Putting up a flyer on Instagram, isn't selling tickets. In LA if you think you can put up a flyer and call it one and done, nope. You have to get on the phone and ask.

I have never ever been on the phone so much in a span of four days. I felt like a teenage girl in suburbia tying up the phone lines in the 80s.

There are people who want to be a part of something great. People who want to support and care, which leads me to my number 1.

1) Find a reason bigger than yourself to force yourself to take scary action
I sat and thought about it. There was no way in hell, NO WAY IN HELL, it’ll be a cold day in hell when Aidan Park agrees to put together a fundraiser for homeless LGBTQ youth, and then brings in no money. Are you kidding? I was a precariously housed gay undocumented teenager and so I know these kids need help. I KNOW the wonderful work project Q does.
I KNOW how they need to raise money to sustain their work. I will not let the event fall through, because I am afraid to make phone calls? HELL NO. Or because I feel indecisive or scared.
This is important and it's going be a success and I am not leaving it up to chance or luck, or mercury retrograde. I decided this was happening, and that's it.

The event is bigger than me. The people involved are bigger than me. I decided I’m going to do what I can! I am so proud to report, that in eight days the event sold out, with five days to spare.

This experience taught me:
To pick how I want to feel about a challenge.
To ask myself, do I want to be fearful or willful?
Do I want to be wishy washy or sure?
Do I want to be isolated or humble enough to ask for help?
Do I want to be brave and ask for the sale or stick to inaction because I am uncomfortable?
Do I want this to be successful or not?

It starts with thoughts. You know what, even if I had failed and I knew I did everything that I could, then there is no losing.
That is the way I want to play life. I want to leave it all out there on the field with my hands and face dirty from the fight. I’m grateful that I have an opportunity to play.

By Billy McCartney

The Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Sixteen was a rough one. Two years after the landmark, Supreme Court Marriage Equality decision the Republican party had the opportunity to update their platform on same sex marriage. But not only did they double down on their decades long crusade against the LGBTQ community they also nominated and elected a bigoted Republican President. It was rough. Boy-oh-boy would twenty-twenty come to show us up.

You know what’s worse than being an openly gay man whose parents voted for Trump? Being an openly gay man whose parents voted for Trump, TWICE. I learned a lot through all of the fights, screaming, tears and the months of silence. A lot that I WISH I hadn’t. I think, maybe, I’ve grown as a person. And now dear reader, I can grant some of my elderly gay wisdom to you.

For me, personally, the first major event in 2016 I thought would be a turning point was that moment when the Republican Party updated their party platform and refused to change their bigoted stance on marriage equality. I was sure this would change my parents' stance on the party as a whole. But while my parents have been overwhelmingly supportive of my love of nude men, they do not see gay rights as a political issue. They say, “Oh Billy, you can’t say that all Republicans hate the gays.” Yes, I can. They do, on paper. They wrote it out and then get upset when you call them on it. It’s absolutely infuriating. I would get angry, righteously angry. I would get irrationally insanely angry. Which brings me to my first lesson:

1. Don’t scream
You’re angry. I get it. It’s like all of that high school homophobia showed back up at the ten-year reunion. He’s got this horrible spray tan but everyone thinks he’s hot? And he’s being nice to you? But you know it’s fake. Fuck that guy. He was the WORST. And now he’s getting a second wind? I don’t think so. It’s so easy to get heated and angry when discussing your own personal right to exist. It’s important to keep a level head. No one likes being yelled at. You’re not changing any minds through white-hot fury.

I was unable to do this. I would go from zero to eleven at the slightest microaggression. I screamed myself into migraines. I was good at it. Nothing changed, but I felt RIGHTEOUS baby.

The problem is my family felt attacked. Yes, that was my goal. Their choice to vote for this political party felt personal to me. But to them, it wasn’t. So I went out of my way to make it personal and to make them upset. I wanted them to feel what I was feeling. It didn’t work. All I did was put them on the defensive. They came all the way to California to visit me, and I trapped them in a hotel room and started screaming. That’s not the best way to change a person's mind. It took me five years, but I finally learned to keep a level head and speak honestly. Once you can do that, you can make it personal.

2. Make it personal
Now that you’re an expert in not losing your shit, you can maybe have a calm and rational conversation with your conservative family. I failed at this over and over. I would start off all calm and rational. Then my parents would say something insane, or casually homophobic or they’d just tell me an insane conspiracy theory as if it were fact. (“Actually Billy, I heard it was ANTIFA storming the capital, in disguise.”). I would snap. Immediately the anger would return, and I’d be back at square one.

When I didn’t lose my mind, I focused on how their actions affected me. How their vote would inevitably harm me and all queer people across the country. The only time I’ve ever truly made some headway was when I very calmly and explicitly said, "Your vote is actively taking away my freedom. And if you’re voting against freedom, how can you pretend that your party is patriotic?"

3. Don’t give up ground
They keep you on your toes, these conservatives. They will look for any reason to change the subject or to make their homophobia a casual side-effect to their other political views. I regularly got hit with, “I will NEVER vote for a Democrat, for any reason.” Which okay, sure, then vote independent. Vote green party. Vote for Vermin Supreme, please! If you don’t know, do yourself a favor and google Vermin Supreme.What a legend. Vermin Supreme 2024.

Regularly they would cite other issues as the reason that they support bigotry. They would cite taxes or the economy or small government, which is hilarious. Especially coming from the party that tries to regulate who you can sleep with, who you can marry, and what you can do with your own body. And then they would use those same reasons as to why I should support the Republicans. As hard as it is, you cannot concede to their way of thinking. Do not back down, do not give them an inch, don’t scream, but stand your ground. Fundamentally this is an argument about human rights disguised as a political discussion. Don’t let them make it about taxes.

4. It’s ok to take a break
I love my parents. I love them so much. There was a period in time where I would call them every single day, just to check in and say hello. But as we approached the 2020 election, and especially after the January 6th attack by Conservatives trying to destroy our democracy and our constitution, I felt completely exhausted. I drifted away. I stopped calling. I went two months without speaking to them, entirely for my own well being. And you know what? It was fine. We slowly started talking again. We avoided politics. Sure, nothing is resolved, but the relationship is slowly getting better. I know this conversation is nowhere near over, and that I’ll have it again. But the break was necessary, it allowed me to reflect and not spend every day angry. And now, when the conversation comes up, I’ll have a plan.

But these conversations can be hard, and they can be traumatic. Which leads to my final lesson:

5. It’s not your job to be a teacher
It’s hard to have these conversations, especially with family. When you’re a queer person talking to someone about how their conservative beliefs affect you, they expect you to be an authority on the subject. You are now the professor giving a lecture on queer culture and gay history; any mistake you make is used as a reason to discredit you.

It’s okay to step back and say, “You know what, it’s 2021. It’s not my job to teach you not to be a bigot. Do your own research and come back to me when you’re ready.” You don’t need to put yourself through that if it’s too much to handle. Straight people will inevitably make their ignorance your problem. It’s not. It’s theirs. If they can’t handle it, then maybe you’ll never be as close as you want. And maybe that’s okay.

I love my conservative family members, but they have hurt me in ways they refuse to understand.I will always love them. I’ll come home, I’ll visit, I’ll send gifts for birthdays and holidays. But I will not feel guilty about a strained relationship. I didn’t cause that; they did.

It’s not your job to struggle and suffer. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and people who love you. I have my fantastic supportive partner and a sister who has always stood by my side. And I have parents who love my partner and love me. They just voted for Trump twice, and I do not forgive them. But maybe with enough patience, they’ll come around. And that’s good enough for me.

5 things I learned from losing my parents.

By Corinne Irizarry @corinneirizarry

Let me preface this by saying that I’m a strange animal... if you ever get the chance to get to know me on a personal level... you’ll understand what I mean by that... I will tell you this strange tidbit... I predicted the deaths of both of my parents before anyone told me they were gone. 

I was 13 when my father died and I remember the day as if it were yesterday, I had spent a great day hanging out with our neighbor... we went to the mall, made a lip-sync video of under the bridge by the Red Hot Chili peppers.. good times. 

we get back to the neighbor’s house and the phone rings, I already knew it was my mother on the other end. She sounded angry but the type of angry that drives sadness.. she tells me to come to where she is... Laurie asks me what’s wrong.. before my mind can process the question, I had an answer that still floors me to this day... I don’t know, she’s probably going to tell me my father died. 

Ok, bye...

I left, got to my mother & I was right...  Which leads me to my first lesson. 

1. Life goes on regardless of who you lose - after my father died we went to the funeral where I got to learn more about him and how much everyone thought I looked like him and stories upon stories about how much he loved me and wanted to be in my life. It hurt me that I didn’t get the opportunity to have a father-daughter relationship in the traditional sense, but from the time I did get to spend with him, he made it very clear to me that he wanted me to be his shiniest star... I was the only girl out of his 5 children (he had 4 boys with his second wife). At an early age, I always knew I wanted to be an entertainer.. it was seeping out of me from when I was a toddler... My father knew it and was my biggest fan.  I also think he knew that his time here on earth was limited, I mean why else would we have had the death talk when I was 11. He told me there would come a time that he would be gone and the most important thing to remember is that life goes on. He taught me that pain is temporary but, love is everlasting. I knew he would always be with me and I feel his love every time I check something off of my goals list. I’m not shitting on the grieving process people go through when they lose someone but, grieving the loss of a parent can throw your entire life off course if you’re not grounded and don’t realize how important your life is as much as the one that you just lost.  We can’t lose ourselves when we lose someone otherwise, why are we even here. Honoring the life of my parents with my successes has become my life’s passion. After the loss of my mother, I decided to put my efforts towards my career instead of considering motherhood. 

2. Not everyone is meant to have children. I lost my mother when I was 18 and a senior in High School.. we had a love-hate relationship that evolved after my father’s death... I didn’t understand her life struggles which is what kept me from my father, I just blamed her. As I was just entering my senior year, things were starting to look up for me. I was awarded student of the month, I was getting a scholarship, I had just turned 18 in July, I was feeling great.. it was a Friday night and there was a phone call... I was wide awake a few seconds before the phone rang. My mother was gone. I didn’t need anyone to tell me. I knew. Everything in my body knew.  I went through the motions... I had to handle everything... I was a baby but, still legally an adult.. it would be months before my family told me that my mother died during extreme complications while in labor with my youngest brother.  Losing my mother broke me. Although our last conversation we made up and we were on good terms, I felt an emptiness in my soul when she passed.. especially knowing she died to bring my brother into this world...  I knew from that moment on that I would never birth children. I had to end the cycle of generational trauma that had already been keenly thrust upon me and my siblings and the only way I see that happening is by not procreating. I had already spent most of my life helping raise my siblings from the age of 9. The idea of going through all of it all over again just sends a flying kick to my uterus.  The truth of the matter is that having children isn’t for everyone and the sooner you know which side of that coin you land on, you can really dig into who you want to be and what your passions in life really are. 

3. Addiction doesn’t make the pain go away.  - I’m not Superman in any way and to say that I survived my parent’s death without some residual PTSD would be a flat-out lie. Although my father’s death steered me clear away from drugs and alcohol and my mother’s death turned off the mommy clock... there wasn’t anything that kept me from becoming a sex addict to deal with my pent-up anger and sadness. I had it bad... I needed to feel something and the cat and mouse chase of acquiring dick became a drug to me. I wanted whoever anyone else said I couldn’t have. I used my humor, charm, and my sex appeal to get any man or woman I wanted.  It wasn’t until I was in my late 30’s where I connected that I was trying to fill a void that would never be filled by chasing meaningless sex all over the country.  I had an epiphany that love for myself had to outweigh the high sex with whatever guy or girl I was hooking up with. I found the peace I needed right before I met my husband who was also just supposed to be a one-night stand.. 8 years later.. welp, I was wrong about the man who knocked the hoe out of me…

4. Won’t have to deal with my significant other not being accepted by my parents or having our parents meet.  - so, I found my forever man... now what. Disclaimer: I was married before.. big mistake. My ex’s mother hated me because I am a Puerto Rican woman and she wanted her white son to do better, be better, most importantly live better than and I quote she said, “if you want to be with roaches, you can go live with the roaches.. “ well, at least I’m not an Amoeba was my response from the other room less than 2 feet away from where they were talking.  

It hurt deep, this woman who I wanted to connect with on a motherly level just basically told me with one sentence that I wasn’t good enough for her white child. Welp, I proved that bitch wrong and married her son out of spite. That’s right. I was that petty. You don’t want me to have him, I’ll just take him.  I also learned that valuable lesson that you will never change a racist woman’s mind when it comes to her child. We divorced and I moved to LA.

 It’s bittersweet not having to be paranoid about having my parents be accepting of the one I chose to marry. Especially, now that I am fortunate enough to have in-laws that completely accept me and love me for who I am.  It truly makes the love my husband and I share that more special to me. It’s an unfortunate perk but, I know my parents would’ve loved him and my mother definitely would’ve tried to sleep with him.

5. What it means to be the strong one in the family.                                                       

During the pandemic I became an ordained minister so that I could be the one to officiate my cousin’s wedding. Two weeks before the wedding another cousin who I considered a brother passed away suddenly. I had the honor of officiating his funeral and tried to play the role of the glue that holds the family together as everyone was falling apart. As the only one in our entire family to lose both parents, I understood the pain everyone was feeling... I helped my cousin’s brother break the news to his daughter that her uncle wasn’t coming back from vacation. This by any means is one of the most difficult things one will ever have to do. I used Disney to explain death and I strongly recommend you do the same if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. We celebrated his life, laughed at our funny childhood storied and thanked god that he was now in a better place and no longer in pain. Death is a tragedy but, it’s also a reminder that we need to always be checking in with the ones we love because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.

Being strong comes with the territory of overcoming tragedies. Being able to hold it all together for family, let alone yourself while the world around you seems to be collapsing is not something that comes easily by any means.. but, I can tell you this... losing my parents gave me the strength I needed to understand that life does indeed go on and that love is the only thing that makes the pain tolerable enough to still be able to find the joy in life and most importantly fuels my passion to succeed.

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May 30, 2021

On September 11, 2001, our lives changed here in America. I will never forget getting my first call to go entertain our troops. At first I was hesitant because it’s not every day a Jewish American woman heads over to Afghanistan. My father who served in the Navy as a medic in the Vietnam War used to share his stories with me and even though I knew the great risk, I couldn’t help but adhere to my call of duty. Before I knew it, I was entertaining our brave military men and women in war zones like Afghanistan, Bosnia and Kosovo. I then had the opportunity to spread my joy to military bases in places like Bahrain, Guantanamo Bay, Japan, Korea, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium and Spain. I am forever changed by this experience and will never forget what all these men and women have done to protect our freedoms. Please take a moment on this Memorial Day to honor and remember the loved ones who lost their lives serving this great country. 

Here are 5 amazing things I learned entertaining our troops.

1. Don’t tell your Jewish mom you are going to a war zone to do stand-up

Oy vey, I never heard the end of it. Now don’t get me wrong, I would never let me daughter go either. It’s just too dangerous; however, I was set in my ways and knew I had to do it for the greater good. Just make sure you call her EVERY DAY or believe me, you will get guilt-tripped.

2. Make sure you have no dependents when you agree to take this job

One of the reasons I took the job was not just for the experience, but because I was single at the time. And let’s face it, it’s really hard to find the right person in LA, so I had to go where the odds were much better. ;-) But seriously, I didn’t have a husband or children. Yes, I had my parents, sisters and brothers, but as an adult, I wouldn’t have made the same decision if I had dependents. As a civilian in a war zone, you are putting your life on the line. Even more harrowing, I had to sign a death and dismemberment agreement before I went. It’s definitely a choice you really have to think about before you go. 

3. Be prepared for anything and everything

This gig isn’t your typical weekend working at The Chuckle Bucket in Nebraska. This is a god damn war zone. You will be riding in dangerous convoys and flying on Black Hawks and planes like a C130 that are basically the size of Texas, carrying tanks and trucks. I remember just eyeballing a military tank that I flew with for 6 hours that was held down by just a few chains. All I could think was “What if these chains break and this tank just wheels out of the back side of this plane?” No one wants to get sucked out of a giant plane. Oh, and did I mention I have a fear of flying? That sure didn’t help me, but with the help of Xanax and good comedian traveling partner, I made it through the storm. Also, make sure you have a lot of patience. The military doesn’t wait for you, you wait for it. Sometimes we had to wait hours or even days before we could catch the next flight to go back to the U.S.

4. Know your ranks

When you are performing for the troops, you get the opportunity to perform for anyone and everyone. Sometimes I’d be landing at a Forward Operating Base and be performing at 8 am to 25 marines with M-16 in their hands on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan and sometimes I’d be performing in the evenings to a hall full of 1000 soldiers of all different rankings. One of the benefits of being a comedian on a military base is that you get free reign to make fun of whoever is in front of you, as long as it’s good-spirited. Just make sure you educate yourself and know who you are talking to. Especially if they are high ranking. I will never forget one of the first times I was performing in Bosnia to a bunch of soldiers and the guy in the front row was wearing a lot of medals, but I didn’t bother to find out who he was. I jokingly said to him “Look at you soldier, you’re staring at me like I have a dick on my forehead.” The room went wild. I had never heard such uproarious laughter. After the show, I found out that was a five star General. Thank God, the General had a great sense of humor or maybe I too would have been sent to Guantanamo.

5. Be the light.

Some of the brave men and women have been at these bases for years and as time passes, it can really take a toll on the mind. They have seen everything. Even after being at these deployed military bases for only two weeks, I could see my own mental state change. One thing was for sure, I was sent there to bring joy and make them forget of their surroundings, even if it’s only for an hour. I took great pleasure getting to know each and every military personnel I could. I wasn’t just sent to bring laughter but to boost morale and I spent every moment I could doing just that. There is no greater gift than sometimes just listening. Every story was important and they needed to know people back in the states hadn’t forgotten about them. We all just want to be heard.

By Shawn Pelofsky - visit here site

Hi guys,
I’m in Mexico, YAY!

Here are 5 surprising things I learned during my trip:

5) Be respectful of nature
So I thought I was a badass and I totally went off the trails! I wanted an adventure, but I ended up on a cliffside… Then I thought it would be an excellent idea to CLIMB ROCKS to get to the other side. Not a brilliant idea. There are cactuses on the rocks. Cactus don’t want you near them. I got stabbed by one. I had to take my shirt off and wrap it around my bleeding wound. At that moment I saw a house. I was like OMG IT’S A HOUSE. I AM SAFE but it was a bee keeping house.

4) It's okay to relax sometimes
Look guys, I really struggled with what to write about this week. I didn’t have a topic. I didn’t have a topic!! What am I struggling with? I said to myself, can’t I thoroughly enjoy this fantastic trip and not look for problems. I mean, it’s beautiful here in Mexico. So, I don't want to think about my problems, and that's okay. Just enjoy!

3) We take modern conveniences for granted
Here where I’m staying is super off the grid; no electricity at night. When you go to the toilet if it’s yellow, you let it mellow. Drinking water is a premium. The experience forces you to think about, are we taking our modern conveniences for granted? Frankly, I don’t miss electricity and flushing every time. It’s good to be in an environment where you have to honor your resources.

2) It’s about focus
I was on my phone, and I was like...oh my god...I can’t believe Johnny said that on social media. And oh my goodness, the drama. At that moment I thought, why am I focusing on the drama, when I have this gorgeous view? I realized that it really is a matter of choosing how to focus your energy in the direction of what you want to feel. I want to feel at peace and calm. I don’t want to be in judgement or frustration, and it undoubtedly is a choice. There’s an amazing view right in front of me. It’s about how I choose to focus on what is around me to create my experience; which gives me back my power.

I think about when I sit in traffic. I can focus on the traffic or breathe and focus on breathing while driving. I get to determine my experience.

1) A wonderful tool for self-discovery
I was looking at the water, and my friend Iggy asked me, “What do you observe about the water? Why are you so entranced with the water?” I said to him, “As I follow the waves crashing in, I am blown away by how powerful they are, and I love it. I love how flexible the water is. How clear it is and transparent. It doesn't pull any punches. Iggy said, “The powerful, flexible and transparent things you identify in the ocean might be something that you admire in yourself and what you admire in others.”

and...

He was right.
I love powerful, flexible and transparent people who are who they are. Who live life with vigor. I do try to experience my life in this way. Those are values that I would like to exemplify.

Next time you are somewhere and you are entranced with something ask yourself, “What are the qualities of this that draws you?” Identify that and try to align with those qualities and or values.

I really want to take the time this week to honor being here in nature. I am extremely grateful that I get to share this and thank you for being here.