10. A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9. More award shows

8. New iPhone App called ‘Angry Jowls’

7. Ban people from calling something ‘awesome’ unless it actually inspires awe

6. Fill Grand Canyon with custard, rename it Grand Cannoli

5. Diapers on horses

4. You’ve heard of the five-blade razor? How ’bout the six-blade razor?

3. Free donuts

2. End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1. Open marriages for people named Newt.”

Conan O’Brien: “Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. Yeah. You can tell because last night the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.”

Jay Leno: “Well, I guess Mitt Romney expected to win. We tape before the polls close obviously, but Newt Gingrich says no matter what happens today in Florida, he is vowing to stay in the race until the end. Hey, and when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he sticks with it.”

Jay Leno: “And Newt Gingrich, he didn’t concede Florida. He said, ‘Florida’s made it clear, this is a two person race.’ Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.

Conan O’Brien: “After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things, buffets and wedding chapels”

Jimmy Fallon: “Some big election news. Today Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for President. It was really nice. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills and the charisma to be President. But since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’”
Newt & Callista: Florida Concession Edition:
 
 

After mentioning that Newt Gingrich is being sued by the composer of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ for copyright violation, Colbert has founding Survivor member Dave Bickler sing passages of Newt Gingrich’s book “A Nation Like No Other” in the style of Eye of the Tiger. Nothing like American Exceptionalism through the lens of your favorite Rocky III tune.

This graph shows monthly job growth/loss from President Bush(Red) to President Obama(Blue).

Rep. Allen West (R-eally trying too hard), after seeing the recently released January 2012 jobs report, is skeptical of the drastic decrease in unemployment amongst African-Americans:

“Can someone tell me how employment in the black community has improved at a rate three times the national average in just a few months? With numbers like today, urban communities should be well on their way to economic recovery then! There is something suspicious about the job numbers released today and it has me very concerned. Is this dramatic supposed decrease in black unemployment a result of job creation or is someone playing around with the census numbers?” (Source – The Hill)

Allen West asking the tough questions no rational person would.

Not missing out on the festivities, Newt Gingrich has a few reservations of his own regarding the mostly better than expected jobs report:

“Anemic growth is not growth. We need to make dramatic change to the tax code and draw back job-killing regulations. Millions of Americans have been waiting months, if not years for the economy to improve.”

 

Don’t worry though, because our Friend-of-the-People Newt has a plan to help this ailing nation and its flabbergasted positive job growth:

“I believe the economy will begin to recover the day Barack Obama is voted out of office.”

 

Completing the Derpfecta is House Speaker John Boehner with his own pessimistic assessment of the job numbers:

There’s welcome news in this latest jobs report as more Americans found work last month, but the fact is our unemployment rate is still far too high. Our economy still isn’t creating jobs the way it should be and that’s why we need a new approach.

 

As angry citizens gather in various cities as a part of the Occupy Movement and the country constantly changes around us, it is occasionally still possible to utilize words by past Presidents that still seem to apply. Typically, these are domestic policy speeches addressing social and economic issues since foreign policy can change at a rapid pace with a continually changing dynamic. But in America, certain social issues are as prominent today as they were when this country was founded. Stability and security are what many sought when this country was founded; even if this meant sacrificing it temporarily for the Revolution.

Now, one may take the stability and security offered to United States citizens for granted. Some would disagree, but there are those that look to the government to help them procure these needs. So it is understandable that when the entire nation is facing a crisis many citizens in the U.S. will look to the current President for a solution and a plan. As the Executive Branch has evolved, the president is seen more and more as the source for inspiration when the nation is wounded. But in the beginning of his second term, when the country was still deep in the Great Depression, President Franklin D. Roosevelt felt the need to rally Congress. On April 29, 1938, he addressed Congress on the need to curb monopolies entitled Message to Congress on Curbing Monopolies.

As the country’s economy grew rapidly during the 19th Century, interstate commerce became a hot issue and there was much debate as to whether or not the Federal Government has the authority under the Constitution to regulate these trades. What Roosevelt needed to do was frame the problem before Congress in a way that showed the original authors could not foresee this problem; but yet, at the same time, the impact it has on the quality of life for Americans gives the federal government the ability to do something about it. This Constitutional issue was not addressed directly during this speech, but likely weighed on the mind of the president and those of Congress.

Additionally, it was important that he did not appear too radical and communicated his respect for our current economic system. He was not seeking to use his position to bring drastic changes that suited his own political philosophy; he just wanted to do his job. The country was in a dire state and had been for quite a while. He saw a problem in concentrated wealth and economic power and the toll it took on citizens on the lower end of the economic spectrum that had no hand in the economy outside of their local community. While these citizens lacked power in the economy, many of them had the right to vote and they chose Roosevelt a second time to make these kinds of changes. The powerful New Deal Coalition, as his legions of supporters were called, was in full force and in the process of changing the trajectory of the Democratic Party and the country as a whole. This momentum continued until the 1960s and was only interrupted by the election of Dwight D. Eisenhower, a president which it is not uncommon to hear even Democrats speak highly of to this day.

The line that Roosevelt toed in 1938 is almost identical to the line President Barack Obama must toe to this day. In fact, the parallels are almost staggering. They both needed to convince Congress to take drastic short term steps to repair a damaged economy; but yet felt a responsibility to ensure it could not happen again. Despite the claims of some of their political opponents, neither of these Presidents sought to take advantage of a nation in despair in order to instill their own political doctrine on the country a la Joseph Stalin. These were presidents that were willing to stake their reputations on new changes based on the fruits of our country’s strong Academia presence. The solutions they offered did not come from their “gut”; they come from the minds of think tanks and scholars. They were tasked with being the middle man and needed to sell these programs to Congress and the public.

Another strong parallel is that President Obama faced a similarly hostile Congress as Roosevelt did. The Democrats had just lost 71 House seats and 6 Senate seats in the 1938 election. Despite Democrats having a majority in both Houses during the first half of Obama’s term, many of them were desperately clinging to their elected seats and dealing with a historically hostile electorate. Also, many of the Democrat’s numbers in the House circa 2008 were members of the conservative Blue Dog caucus that narrowly won their seats in traditionally red districts and swing districts in the 2006 mid-term elections. Unlike in 1938, most bills in the Senate now require a filibuster-proof 60 votes to pass. Democrats had this many only if you count Independent Sen. Joe Lieberman, who caucuses with Democrats. Based on his voting record before and since then, it would be foolish to do so.

Further, they faced skepticism from those that insist that existing regulation is either suitable or too much already. Roosevelt addressed these concerns about existing regulation, such as the Sherman Act, by insisting that the game has changed and a refresh of the rules were in order. Capitalism did not fail; we just failed to keep it in check. It is vital that a president not undermine the existing economic system and cause uncertainty in the markets. President Obama was conscious of this by keeping the previous administration’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, in office and assigning various conservatives to his cabinet and economic team. Additionally, he opted to keep Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, for another term in 2010(it is worth noting that this is the product of the Banking Act of 1935, enacted by the Roosevelt administration).

Roosevelt made an effort not to demonize the individuals involved in the markets. This would be counter-productive for his efforts. He did not seek to punish anyone; he only sought new rules so that the playing field could be level again and accommodating to new competition. His understanding of Economics and negative externalities was exhibited in this following passage with a hint of Existentialism:

Government can deal and should deal with blindly selfish men. But that is a comparatively small part—the easier part-of our problem. The larger, more important and more difficult part of our problem is to deal with men who are not selfish and who are good citizens, but who cannot see the social and economic consequences of their actions in a modern economically interdependent community. They fail to grasp the significance of some of our most vital social and economic problems because they see them only in the light of their own personal experience and not in perspective with the experience of other men and other industries. They, therefore, fail to see these problems for the nation as a whole. (Roosevelt)

Now that many of his efforts have since been repealed or watered down by Congress and successive presidents, such as the Glass-Steagall Act, these words are just as true today as they were when he first spoke them.

Once he adequately framed the issue and briefed Congress on the data and statistics he began to lay out a list of suggestions and ideas that could be utilized to mitigate the issue of monopolies in the country. This included: reforming existing anti-trust regulations, stronger scrutiny by the Federal Trade Commission when approving mergers, the establishment of investment trusts, reforming patent law to prevent its abuse in keeping competition out of markets (an agenda President Obama also pursued and achieved with the America Invents Act in 2011), tax collectives, trade associations, and the creation of the Bureau of Industrial Economics.

In hindsight, the war in Europe and the attack on Pearl Harbor distracted greatly from the agenda Roosevelt had in mind for his second term. He also had a much tougher time getting bills through Congress in his second term than he did in his first. Minimum wage law is among only a handful of his domestic agenda items that were enacted during this period.

A large majority of this speech could easily be given today and would likely be championed by members of the current Occupy Wall Street Protests. He was careful not to undermine the current system, yet effectively noted its flaws citing actual statistical data. There is no doubt in my mind that President Obama’s speech writers were furiously researching Roosevelt speeches when seeking to address the economic turmoil late in his 2008 campaign and early into his presidency as the jobless rates grew. Much like President Obama following the 2010 mid-term elections, Roosevelt needed to get these new members of Congress on the same page as he was.

Read the speech here: Message to Congress on Curbing Monopolies – FDR

Roosevelt, Franklin D. “Message to Congress on Curbing Monopolies.” U.S. Capital, Washington, D.C. 29 Apr. 1938. Speech.

We’ve all patiently waited over the Thanksgiving Holiday for Jon Stewart’s take on Lt. John Pike’s disgraceful use of pepper spray on passive student protesters.

Also, be sure to check out our collection of UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop Meme images.

Note:  This edition also includes the previous week, which wasn’t updated due to the holiday.

David Letterman: ”How about Newt Gingrich?. … Now he’s making a tremendous comeback. This could be the politicalstory of the year. Newt Gingrich, the political story of the year. The year is 1996, but still, the political story.”

David Letterman: ”Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses:
10. Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee.
9. Got distracted by Congress’ new Donkey Kong machine.
8. Wasted time trying on each other’s hairpieces.
7. When your options are solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie.
6. Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez.
5. It’s the curse of the chupacabra.
4. We’re assembling a special committee to come up with excuses.
3. It’s Robert Wagner’s fault.
2. Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done.
1. President Santorum will figure it out.”

David Letterman: ”Obama is having a pretty good year. If you think about it in certain terms and people forget about this. First bin Laden, did we forget a little something called bin Laden? Moammar Gadhafi, did we forget about him? Next, Robert Wagner.”

Jimmy Fallon: ”President Obama returned home to the US after a nine-day trip to Asia. Yeah. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.”

Jimmy Kimmel : “The big movie was the latest installment of ‘The Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.’ It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say, it’s refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn’t involve the Palins. Isn’t it?”

Conan O’Brien: ”Occupy Wall Street is in the news. Tomorrow, Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there is one place that you can confront the nation’s wealthiest 1%, it’s on the subway.”

David Letterman: ”How about that Rick Perry, Governor of Texas? He’s very cutting edge, although he seems right of center. He announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, this guy is a visionary– using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.”

Jimmy Fallon: ”Happy birthday to Vice President Biden who turns 69 this weekend. When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.”

Jimmy Fallon: ”Hey, you guys know there was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this. Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.”

Jay Leno: ”Well, a new poll shows 45% of Republicans believe that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, and that rises to 46% if you count Rick Perry, who also believes Mitt Romney will be the nominee.”

Craig Ferguson: ”Mitt Romney said this week if he’s elected, he won’t let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it’s none of our business. And Rick Perry said – [blank stare]”

Jay Leno: “And President Obama’s body man – that’s who they call the President’s assistant – a body man. A guy named Reggie Love, leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can’t learn anything about economics in the Obama White House.”

Recently, Megyn Kelly stated on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor that pepper spray was “a food product, essentially…” Once word of this spread outside of Fox’s 70-85 demographic, the rest of the country said “lol…what?” Some have even suggested she should try to experience being pepper sprayed herself.

This is what democracy looks like.

Most of us have seen this disturbing picture of a member of the UC Davis Police pepper spraying students during a passive protest. This officer, identified as Lt. John Pike, is now an internet celebrity. The Pepper Spray Cop Meme is born. Watch the video of Lt. John Pike pepper spraying innocent protesters here. CBS News reports that Lt. Pike was involved in an anti-gay slur lawsuit settled for $240,000
 

http://twitter.com/#!/questlove/status/138861052338249728

Warning: This video is painful to watch…

Coincidentally, I posted the same “spelling bee” joke on Reddit the day before:

But it is kind of an obvious punchline.

Even more coincidentally, I posted the “Study high…” quote on my Twitter a few days before…

Speaking of opportunists, did someone order a Newt? Now surging in the latest polls, our temperamental blast from the past and former Speaker of the House is back in the spotlight.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is experiencing a mini-surge in November – an apparent sign that voters are sampling the wider field as their affections for some alternatives to Mr. Romney, particularly businessman Herman Cain and Texas Gov. Rick Perry, begin to diminish. The new national CBS survey of Republican primary voters shows Mr. Cain at 18 percent, a modest advantage over Romney and Mr. Gingrich, who are tied at 15 percent.

 

But instead of trying to impeach one the most popular presidents in history and destroying his party’s reputation in the process, Newt is trying to get into the White House himself. But how serious is he? It seems as if he can never pass up an opportunity to plug one of his books or for-profit organizations…

Rachel Maddow discusses Newt Gingrich’s political profiteering and offers an extensive collection of his book plugs mentioned only within the last couple of weeks:

Sweet dreams.

Confucius placed a lot of value on the traditions of past dynasties. The virtuous was one who respected these traditions and continued their practice. Rectification, or self-governing, is achieved through these traditions. He also associates intelligence with moderation and self-control. Further, he suggests that one disconnect from society and return to harmony in nature. But it is still vital that one knows their part in society and fulfill it to the best of their ability.

“Li” was a system of how one should conduct themselves in society. These were used to teach his students propriety. Daily rituals that one engages in regularly should be composed of those that lead to the happiness of themselves and society. Each individual had a responsibility to society, not just themselves. This system relied heavily on past traditions and values. Filial Piety was a major aspect of this. It involved showing respect for the ways of fathers and their fathers and so on. Ancestry was seen with much respect in the teachings of Confucius.

As for government, the three requisites are: “sufficiency of food, sufficiency of military equipment, and the confidence of the people in their ruler” (Analects). If only one is to be foregone, the Master insists that it is the military equipment. Of the two remaining, if another is to be foregone, the Master states that food should be the next to go. The most important is the people’s faith in their rulers. This is the foundation of the state and it can not exist without it. This is described in Chapter 7 of Analects in a conversation between the Master and Tsze-kung.

Confucius taught of how one is to govern themselves, and how the state is to govern society. The ways of governing can be seen in the traditions of forefathers. By returning to these, society can be virtuous and harmonious. Government is seen as a tool to help bring out the best of its people. Confucius saw it as responsible for the well being of its citizens but insists that they not forget their individual roles themselves. In order to properly carry out its role, government must be looked upon by its people for leadership and be respected. It must not lose the faith of its people.