A rude comment. An unexpected problem. A situation you can’t control.

When we react, we let those moments take over. They stir up our minds, drain our energy, and often leave us feeling worse. But here’s the truth: reactivity isn’t strength — it’s surrender.

Becoming less reactive is a superpower.

It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you choose what to care about. You stop letting everything pull you in every direction. Instead, you pause, reflect, and decide how to respond.

Why does this matter? Because constant reactivity damages your mind, body, and spirit. Stress piles up. Relationships get strained. And the clarity you need to move forward becomes harder to find.

Growth happens when you focus on what’s within your control: your mindset, your energy, and your actions.

→ When you protect your peace, you protect your power.

P.S. Some say being unbothered is detachment. It’s not. It’s about giving your best where it matters most — and letting go of what doesn’t.

#DhandheKaFunda

The Art of Responding, Not Reacting was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“It isn’t the events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them.” ~ Epictetus

Oh, you worked so hard for this.

You put in your every possible effort to reach to where you are. Still, you’re not where you wanted to be.

What’s more, you gave your time, a part of life which you are not going to get back no matter what and what you expected was nothing too demanding but …

But still, it does not seem to serve the purpose for which it was all done.

Enter Stoicism, let it go. Let it go because that’s not within your control or influence.

Oh yes, it breaks your heart. It brings the rivers of tears in your eyes. That’s hard. That’s not fair. Yet, you must …

You must accept what is outside your control or influence.

If you feel helpless, then you feel helpless. There may be nothing you can do about the event.

If you accept yourself being helpless, then you might be able to do something about the situation. Or you might not be. Whatever it is, that’s the reality.

The reality is strange. There’s nothing to fear. There’s nothing to hope. So, just accept and act!

You let go of all what’s not working (accept) and see if there’s something that you can do something about.

And do it (act).

No fear, no hope was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

No one likes to each the same hotchpotch regularly. It is easy because hotchpotch is tangible.

But wants are not tangible.

And hence we keep adding more and more wants to our already unfulfilled wants list.

What to do?

Read more here.

Hotchpotch of Wants was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Or with your mother-in-law?

Or with your teenage child?

Or with your paying client?

Or with your cat?

“I wish I had if my spouse/mother-in-law/teenage child/paying client or cat would act in a certain way, then my relationship with them would be perfect!”

If you’re thinking like this, STOP!

Just stop.

Why?

You’ll end up wasting your life if you expect “others” to be perfect.

And you know what, if you continue expecting others to be perfect, you’ll go mad and feel more insecure with every failed expectation that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.

We seek others to behave in a certain way that feels perfect to us, but if you reflect on it, you realize that it never happens that way.

Expectation is a perceived state within your mind, and other’s behaviors cannot be controlled by a certain perceived state of your mind.

Relationships are always imperfect, but they feel perfect to you at certain times.

Reason?

You’re alive!

Here’s a fun fact: only dead things are perfect, living beings are NEVER.

Rather than expecting someone else to behave in a particular way that matches our definition of perfection, what if we grow entirely into ourselves and realize our own imperfections.

• We accept ourselves the way we are and the way we are not.
• We recognize that we may also be imperfect from someone else’s point of view.
• We acknowledge that and see how we can inspect our behaviors and adapt to create a situation that we enjoy despite our imperfections.
• We accept others the way they are and the way they are not.
• We agree to disagree.
• We don’t let other people’s imperfections affect our emotions.

Other people’s imperfection is an outer happening. An emotion is an inner happening.

Don’t let outer happenings enslave your inner happenings.

Will you be able to influence others to change?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will you be able to feel good no matter if your expectations are met or not?

You will be when you practice it deliberately.

Now let me tell you this: you look for perfect relationships because you think perfect relationships will make you happy.

But you know what, you do have the power to be happy despite the realm of imperfect relationships that you are surrounded with.

How come?

Because happiness is an inner happening, a perfect relationship is an outer!

Okay, I get it. Imperfect relationships won’t make you happy, but if you start looking beyond perfection, the outcome of an imperfect relationship will have less power over your emotions.

So, what do you want to do? Give a sh*t about how your relationships can become perfect if others act in a certain way or…?

Think for yourself. 🍃

Stop Looking for Perfect Relationships was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When you were hungry as one month old, you cried. That lasted until you were given the milk and you returned to smile.

When you had your first day at school, you cried as you wanted to stay home and play. But soon, as you attended the school, made some friends, and you returned to smile.

When you entered your teens, you had a crush on someone. That person did not share the same emotions for you. When you discovered that, you cried. But soon, you shifted your focus on sports and achieved a notable success. You returned to smile.

In the college, when your best friend got much higher grades than you, you secretly cried. But then joined the music class and learned to sing well. You returned to smile.

When you got your first job in a small company for less salary, and two of your college-friends got the job for a much higher package with notable perks, you cried. But then you realized that the small company enhanced your skills way better than your friends, and you could now survive any recession and layoffs, you returned to smile.

When the person you loved rejected your love, you cried. But then you focused all your energies on building your version 2.0 which everyone took a note of including your earlier love interest; you returned to smile.

When you left your six-figure corporate job to start your own business, and that company failed while your colleagues and friends continued to get even higher salaries and had a better life, you cried. But you chose to work with a single focus, and your company got acquired for a few million in a few years, you returned to smile.

When you suspected that you are going to have an incurable disease, and you rushed to the hospital, soon to discover that it is curable and not serious at all, you returned to smile.

The smile is the outcome of awareness. When I see someone smiling, I know that he or she is dwelling in awareness.

The famous Vietnamese Zen monk, Thich Nhat Hanh wrote this in his famous book of 1992, “Peace is Every Step — The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life” has referred to the below poem:

I have lost my smile,
but don’t worry.
The dandelion has it.

This simple poem offers a deep meaning.

Even if you have lost your smile, but you are still capable of seeing that a dandelion is keeping your smiles for you, the situation is, in fact, very good.

You have enough mindfulness to observe that Returning to Smile is still possible.

You only need to continue breathing as mindfully as you can, and you will return to your smile sooner than later:

• The Dandelion is not merely the wild plant with yellow flower with lots of thin petals; it could be anyone who is there for you: your family member, your friend, your pet cat … anyone to whom you matter is keeping your smile for you.
• If you can let the past moments die and refer to it only when it is entirely relevant and pleasant to the present, you reach a step closer to returning to your smile.
• If you feel the power of this moment and with the fullness of your being, feel your presence, you reach two steps closer to returning to your smile.
• If you open yourself to the support that is all around you, and within you, you can breathe in awareness and return to your smile sooner than later.

Regardless of the past event that made you cry, appreciate yourself in your present form. Feel the power of NOW. Imagine the next deliberate experience you want to embrace, and you’ll be returning to smile sooner than later.

Return to Smile was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

There was once a rock of a mountain, rolling along from the mountaintop to bottom.

The rock was very happy in its rolling state as it had both: the warmth of the Sun and moisture of the Rain.

But then, it suddenly noticed the other rocks rolling ahead of it. Those rocks were hitting the earth and ruthlessly being broken to pieces.

“My destiny will be just like the other rocks. Soon, I, too, along with my hopeful heart, will hit the earth and broken to pieces,” the rock started feeling afraid.

“Why do you look anxious,” the Raindrop asked the Rock. “Look how beautiful the weather is. I like to accompany you in rolling along, and I think you like my touch too, isn’t it?”

The Rock replied: “When I see the rocks before me being crushed as soon as they hit the earth, I feel that these heavenly moments with the Sun, me, and you will go away …”

“You didn’t get it right,” the Raindrop said. “I’m part of the earth, and you are too!”

// 20180905

Take home points:
1. Your perception of your identity heavily influences your emotional state
2. Your emotional state determines your actions
3. And, your identity is configurable! (It’s a good thing, isn’t it?)

Zen Story: The Rock & The Raindrop was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When did you consciously experience Love?

Being in Love is a great emotional state. In fact, it is the most beautiful emotion that a human being ever experiences in his or her lifetime.

Read More Here.

PS: This is a rewrite of my 2013 post with the same title. In the past 6 years, so many things have been refined including my perceptions and they are reflected in the above post.

PPS: The picture in the post is taken in Paris, Notre Dame. Paris is considered to be one of the most romantic cities in the world. When we talk about Love and Lust, Paris should not be forgotten! 😜

Let Love Happen 💚 was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

More often than not, you encounter situations like below where you expect X result but you receive Y result. Read on:

• The app you have created pops up with a bug and you lose thousands of paying users;
• The customer you consider to be your loyal customer gives away all his business to his neighbor’s brother-in-law for his personal benefit from the neighbor;
• The employee whom you have nurtured like a family member ditches your team for just Rs.5000 hike, and that also without any notice period;
• Your close friends and families impose certain boundaries on your behaviors;
• Your bf/gf/spouse wants to love you if you “suit” their view of how you should live;
• The human you expect to behave in a certain way behaves in a totally unexpected way…

And you feel down, depressed and devastated.

A part of you wants to cry, but your so-called mature part is holding it from doing so …

How to deal with that situation?

Whenever such a situation arises, you can pause and say “Cancel Cancel”.

When you say “Cancel Cancel”, you disconnect yourself with the devastating emotional impact that the situation has brought to you.

(In technical terms, “Cancel Cancel” breaks the pattern of our thoughts and that’s an effective therapy to deal with such situations but technical understanding is not important here, if you try it, you will see the result yourself.)

I learned this method when I studied the ‘Silva Mind Control System’ almost a decade back. Since then I have been fortunate enough (😀) to encounter devastating situations every now and then — and this technique helps.

So simple yet so effective. Try it when the devastating situation arises … 😉

This will not solve the problem, but make you feel less stressed and when you feel less stressed you might be able to come up with an alternate solution … well, maybe!

Cancel Cancel was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

After some years, he realized that winning is possible and he was happy as his dream became clearer to him.

Some more years passed and he realized about other people’s unhappiness … and the unhappiness caused to him by other people.

He became sad.

“Give up on your dream!” a voice of surrender emerged within the sphere of his fear.

“Re-negotiate the terms,” a voice of warrior popped up within the field of his past experiences.

“Accept it!” a voice of wisdom shared his views. “And take the best possible ONE action in the direction of your dream in this very moment!” his heart said.

He was many people.

Only a few of them listened to their hearts.

The Next Thing was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Some people expand our perceptions while the others restrict them.

We like people who lift us up and we dislike people who dip us down.

In jobs, businesses and in life, we feel cheated, cornered, put aside or ignored and we tend to develop a grudge against the people who we think did any/all of those.

Whatever we do, we carry our grudge with us without realizing its impact on us.

Some examples:
1. You are watching a movie, and if a scene comes that reminds us of a nasty business situation you had to deal with and you remember people who you think had caused the situation. And your heart gets filled with hatred.

2. You are playing a friendly cricket match and you get run-out by the mistake of another player, you relate it with someone who cheated you and choose to feel bad about the situation.

You continue not just to carry the grudge but to water them and nurture them within yourself wherever you go.

Here is the thing about grudges: it is an emotion developed within you and the person you keep the grudge about has nothing to do about it!

The other person did what he did and it is the matter of the past. You make it present for yourself by carrying it with you.

At times, you restrict yourself from being the human you want to be to please the humans who want you to be what they want you to be. ~ :) 20180615

Result? Heartburns. Downcast. Stress. Anxiety … all sorts of negativity given immense power by our unaware self.

Not a great way to live our life. It is a temporary emotion but you make it permanent to keep you away from discovering your true potential … and discover the peak of your capability to experience joy in life.

What is the alternative?

Make a thought-clone of yourself and look at the other clone mindfully and do the right thing.

One part of you would want to hate the people who dip you down and smash them out, but your thought-clone can choose to mindfully forgive those people.

Because, when we forgive someone, we heal a part of our heart … and eventually, we arrive at a stage where we choose NOT to keep any hard feelings for anyone.

A great state to be as a human.

Unlike animals, humans have the power to create their own wings, define their own sky and choose to fly at the desired pace.

So, anything that slows you down is better left behind … and feeling of grudge and hatred are such negative emotions.

Here is the two-step action plan:

Step 1: Forgive them now.
Step 2: Create your own wings, define your own sky and start flying at your desired pace, now!

All the best!

Forgive Them Now was originally published in SelfHelpZen on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.