Do you think of it as a weakness?

What was the key takeaway for you from this video? How can you implement it in your life?

I’d love to know!!

The post The Power of Vulnerability appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

Last week, I finally picked up Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird, of which I’ve heard a lot about, but never felt the inclination to read, until recently.

Well, I wish I had picked it up earlier.

It’s quite a delightful read, chock-full of advices on writing as well as on life.

One piece of advice in particular resonated with me: write shitty first drafts.

Anne Lamott relates how most writers, no matter how great or famous they are, no matter how natural or fluid or beautiful their writings turn out to be, none of them write elegant first drafts.

“All writers write them [shitty first draft],” writes Lamott. “This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts.”

As someone who struggles regularly with the creative writing process, I appreciated this timely lesson. And it was a huge relief to know that I’m not the only one going through this hair-pulling process on a regular basis.

As a life coach, I couldn’t help but notice how beautifully this lesson applies to life in general.

As a society we frown upon failures.

In fact, too often we expect ourselves to get something right the first time we tackle it, much like we expect great writers to sit down at their desks and type out fully-formed, near-perfect sentences and paragraphs with flying fingers.

Not surprisingly, this is one of the biggest challenges my clients face. There are usually two variants.

The first is common among my clients who are perfectionists. The fear of getting it wrong, no matter how new of a challenge it is, often stops them from trying anything new at all. They end up feeling stuck but terrified to make a move, any move.

(I was in this group not too long ago. It’s not a good place to be.)

The second variant manifests in the form of a harsh inner critic. I would hear things like “I should be a better parent” from first-time moms or “I should know how to develop and market a product” from first-time entrepreneurs…smart, intelligent, and rational people who insist that they should already know how to master and overcome challenges that they are dealing with for the very first time, and regularly beat themselves up for not achieving the impossible.

(I’m in this group too. It is so true that “you teach best what you most need to learn.”)

If either of these variants sounds familiar to you, I’d like to offer you one piece of advice:

DARE to SUCK.

In other words, write a few shitty drafts in the book of life.

Be willing to be mediocre, or even bad at something. Acknowledge that when you’re new at something, it’s acceptable, if not expected, to make mistakes and to stumble.

Because mistakes allow you to learn, and stumbling motivates you to find a better way.

Mistakes do not equal failure. In fact, as my coach says:

“There is no failure, just learning.”

Be willing to give yourself the time and space to learn, to grow, to get better. Allow yourself the opportunity to gain experience through trial and error and practice.

And when your inner critic pipes up, answer with: “I’m doing the best I can, given what I have right now. And that’s all anyone can ask of themselves.”

As Anne says: “Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere.”

As is in writing, so is life.

Start somewhere. Dare to suck. Do it today.

What one thing are you willing to try if you’re not afraid to fail?

Share in the comments below!

The post Dare To Suck appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

Are you skeptical but intrigued? Does it sound too good to be true?

Well, I’m happy to say that the old adage “If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is” does not apply in this particular case.

I do in fact have a secret and a shortcut to share with you. They will help you get whatever you desire, right now.

To illustrate how this all works, I’m going to use money as an example, since so many of us spend so much of our time working hard for it.

Let’s say you have a goal to make a million dollars (or substitute in whatever amount that feels right for you).

I want you to spend the next couple of minutes imaging what it feels like to have that money.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Feeling pretty good? Awesome.

Now, I am going to make your dream come true and give you a million dollars, but with just one tiny catch: the money is yours as long as you don’t spend it on anything.

How do you feel now?

Remember, you have the money. You just can’t spend it.

I’m guessing you don’t like me very much right now, and you’re probably feeling pretty differently versus just a few short moments ago.

That’s because one million dollars in and of itself can’t do much for you. Of course you can touch it, smell it, look at it…but if you can’t spend it on anything, it’s pretty much useless.

(Okay, I suppose you can burn the big pile of cash and make a nice fire, but you know what I’m getting at. )

Money is a means to an end. It allows you to have something, go somewhere, do or not do something…in other words, you don’t actually want the money; what you are after is the experience money allows you to have.

Are you with me?

Good!

Now I’d like you to go one step further and ask yourself: “WHY do I want this experience?”

You will come up with something along the lines of: “I want X, because it makes me feel Y.”

If you don’t believe me, try it with your own list of goals. For each item, continue to ask yourself “WHY” until you get to the core reason. I’m willing to bet that at the heart of each and every item on your list lies a desire to feel a certain way.

Here is an over-simplified example: “I want a million dollars, because then I can buy whatever I want, because that makes me feel abundant.”

Notice what I really want is the feeling of abundance; it’s just that I am attaching it to my ability to purchase, which then gets translated into an amount of money I need.

And that’s the secret: you don’t want what you think you want; you want a feeling state.

At the core of each of our desires is a feeling state, a feeling state unattached to any specific thing, event, or circumstance, a feeling state of freedom, exhilaration, security, peace, connection, fulfillment…and ultimately, happiness.

What we often forget though, is that there are multiple ways to get to the feeling state we want. There are more than one way to feel secure, fulfilled, free, connected, and happy. My purchasing ability may be one way through which I can feel abundant, but it isn’t the only way or the best way. It’s just one of the many ways.

Do you feel the possibilities opening up?

That brings me to the shortcut.

Once you’ve identified a feeling state you desire, look for other ways than the one you originally identified, simpler and easier and quicker ways, to get there right now.

One of my lifelong dreams is to live in an oceanfront house. The ocean makes me feel expansive and free, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore always calms and centers me. In other words, I want to feel free, centered, and peaceful.

So how can I have what I want right now?

I make it a point to go sit by the ocean and have some “me” time at least once a month. I meditate to help myself feel centered and at peace. And whenever possible, I spend the extra money and gift myself with an ocean view room when I travel.

I’d still like an oceanfront house, sure, but not having it doesn’t stop me from feeling free, centered, or at peace, which is what I truly want at the end of the day. And being clear about what I truly want saves me a lot of unnecessary stress and agony that come with not yet having what I think I want.

Now it’s your turn.

Pick an item from your list, and do a little digging to get clear about the feeling state you are after. Remember to continue until you get to a feeling state that is unattached to any specific thing, event, or circumstance.

Then get creative, and brainstorm other ways you can get that feeling state right now. Do them as often as you can.

And if you’re wondering (like some of my clients do), the shortcuts do not conflict with your pursuit of the original goal.

You can still work toward it. The shortcuts simply allow you to enjoy the desired feeling state now, which keeps you happy, which in my opinion increases the probability of your reaching any goal you set for yourself.

And perhaps after you achieve the desired feeling state via the shortcuts, you find yourself no longer wanting to pursue the original goal…fantastic!! Now you can spend your time and energy pursuing something new and different.

It’s a win-win situation.

And best of all, you already have exactly what you want, right now, and anything additional would simply be cherries on top.

What is ONE THING you can do TODAY to get what you want?

The post How To Have What You Want…NOW appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

This 2003 award-winning documentary, titled “Children Full of Life”, is about a rather unusual 4th grade classroom in Kanazawa, Japan.

Here is how the film starts:

On the first day of school, Mr. Toshiro Kanamori asked this question to his 4th grade class: “What’s the most important thing this year? What are we here for?”

“To be HAPPY!” the 10-year-olds shouted in unison.

Are you surprised?

I was.

I’ve been in classrooms both here in the US and back in China, from K-12, to college, to graduate school, no teacher has ever taught me that the most important thing in a classroom or in life is to be happy.

I’m going to bet most of you haven’t either, which is why the classroom in this documentary is so unique.

Mr. Kanamori teaches his students not only how to be students, but how to live a happy life. He teaches them about compassion, vulnerability, and empathy. He guides them on how to cope with difficult life situations like bullying, or worse, death. He gives them lessons on teamwork, community, and acceptance.

And observe the transformations in these 10-year-olds. Watch how they rise to the challenge to face the difficult subjects in front of them and learn the lessons with grace and courage.

Witness how they share their inner most thoughts and feelings, and embrace the kind of vulnerability that most adults would be afraid to touch, much less lay bare for all to see.

Yet it is this type of vulnerability that leads to understanding and a deeper connection. It unlocks in others their pain, and gives them the courage to face it. It is this type of vulnerability that allows us to return to and accept our most authentic selves, without which we can never truly be happy.

I’m in awe of these 10-year-olds.

The full documentary is about an hour. Give yourself a gift and watch it in its entirety.

I am glad I did.
 

The post Happiness Lessons from 10-Year-Olds appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Today is 9/11. My heart and prayers go out to those who lost someone on that fateful day eleven years ago.

I’m extremely grateful that I didn’t lose anyone that day, nor do I know anyone who lost someone. But on 9/11 of every year, I’m reminded of how fragile things can be, and how life as we know it can change in a matter of minutes, even seconds.

This day, more so than Thanksgiving, reminds me to take a moment and be grateful, for family and friends, for my health, for the abundance in my life, for the random acts of kindness from strangers, for clean air, water…

I wish I could say that I practice gratitude every day, but the truth is, life gets busy, and things come up, so there are days when I just can’t muster up the energy or the optimism to find things to be grateful for.

I know you have those days too.

But did you know that those are precisely the days when we need to practice gratitude the most?

Here are 10 reasons why gratitude is the shortest, most direct route to happiness and/or peace.

1. It reminds us of the truly important things in life.
Maybe you had a really bad day at work, or maybe your kids made a mess of things and now you have to clean up, for the fifth time today. But it’s hard to complain too much when you are thankful that your kids are healthy and active, or that you have kids at all, or have a job so you can keep them happy and healthy.

2. It helps us navigate a difficult situation.
Sometimes gratitude doesn’t lead you to happiness, but it can help you see a situation in a slightly better light. When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was so grateful that I had had coach training so I could help her find as much peace and courage as possible in an extremely difficult situation.

3. It keeps us from repeating mistakes.
When you’re in a frustrating situation, looking for something to be thankful for allows you to step back enough to see the lesson that you need to learn, versus being consumed by your emotions, like anger or frustration or overwhelm.

4. It improves our overall health.
According to research conducted by Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, and more willingness to work out.

5. It strengthens our relationships.
Imagine if your partner or spouse or friend offered a sincere “thank you” to you for everything you do, instead of the “Well, it’s not like I don’t work hard around here” tune. Would you become kinder, more patient, and more loving? The same works for them as well.

6. It spreads happiness.
When you offer heartfelt gratitude to someone, for even a seemingly small act of kindness, it can make a huge difference in that person’s life. Let them know that their kindness didn’t go unnoticed. Put a smile on their face. Pay it forward by making this world a happier place.

7. It reminds us that we are always supported, that we’re NOT alone.
When I’m really down, and I’m looking for reasons to be grateful for, I often start with the most basic things, like air and water and gravity. Know that at this moment you’re supported by planet Earth, by the air you’re breathing, by the clean water you have access to, by the chair you’re sitting in, by your bed, by the dairy farmer who raised the cow that produced the milk you’re drinking…not to mention the people who love and support you.

8. It reminds us that we are already abundant in many ways.
It’s easy to get into the “I want more, bigger, better” mode. There is nothing wrong with expansion and growth, but also remember to take time to notice and enjoy what you already have. You may discover that what you have is already enough, and that you can spend your time pursuing other dreams.

9. It reminds us to live in the present moment.
Being grateful returns us to the present moment, to notice the sunset, to look at the clouds in the sky, to smell the grass after the rain, to enjoy the time you have with yourself even if you are sitting in traffic…and the present moment is the only moment you will ever have.

10. It lifts us up and reminds us that happiness can be found anywhere if we simply look.
Neil Pasricha started The 1000 Awesome Things Blog after his marriage ended and his best friend committed suicide. It was his attempt to feel better during a very hard time. And he went on to inspire millions of people. Here is his talk at TEDx Toronto. I can’t think of a better note to end this blog post on.
 

 
How can you make gratitude a part of your daily life?

Share in the comments below!

The post 10 Reasons to Be Grateful, Plus An Awesome Video appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

If you haven’t used the smart playlist feature, try it. It’s pretty nifty. Instead of adding songs manually, you simply specify a few criteria like the artist, album, or genre, and iTunes automatically creates a playlist of songs for you.

Or at least it was supposed to work like that.

I entered all of my criteria into iTunes, and hit the OK button, fully expecting a list of songs to pop up, but nothing happened. The song list came up empty.

I looked over the criteria I entered over and over again, and I couldn’t understand why the feature wasn’t working properly. And then I saw this:

It turns out that the issue wasn’t with the way I was defining my criteria; the issue was with the way I was structuring my conditional statement.

Instead of creating a list of songs that matched any of the criteria I selected, I inadvertently asked iTunes to create a list of songs that matched all of my criteria.

So what’s the connection to the pursuit of happiness you ask?

Everything.

You see, it occurred to me that we approach the pursuit of happiness in much the same way. We all set up our unique goals or criteria on what would bring us happiness. We then work hard in the pursuit of happiness, yet a lot of us find it elusive, even when we achieve the goals that are supposed to guarantee it.

Why? There are two potential reasons:

1. We set up the wrong criteria or goals
2. We have the wrong conditional statement

The second reason is the one most people miss. In fact, most people don’t even realize that they have a conditional statement when it comes to their happiness.

Let me explain.

Your Two Choices: ALL or ANY
You may remember what a conditional statement is from school. It’s an IF-THEN statement: if X is true, then Y.

When it comes to happiness, there are two conditional statements we typically use:

IF all of the criteria are met, THEN I will be happy.

or

IF any of the criteria is met, THEN I will be happy.

Which one is your happiness based on?

Take a few minutes and really think about your answer.

Which of the following two conditional statements sounds more like you?

#1 – I will be happy if I make X amount of money and I have achieved Y level of success in my career and I have a great life partner who loves and supports me and my kids are performing well at school and the people I love and care about are happy and…

#2 – I will be happy if I make X amount of money or I have a great life partner or…

You get the idea.

If your answer is #2, awesome! You are probably living a pretty happy life.

If however your answer is #1, then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment in the pursuit of happiness. Here is how.

Why It’s Important
Your conditional statement around happiness directly impacts how much happiness you allow in your life.

You’ve probably heard of the expression “the human brain is like a computer.” The analogy works perfectly for what we’re talking about here, because your conditional statement around happiness acts like a command to your brain.

If your conditional statement involves the all concept, then your brain is busy looking for the one exception that makes the statement false. In other words, it is actively looking for an area of your life where you haven’t achieved the criteria you’ve defined.

Your brain goes down a list like this: “Am I happy with the amount of money I’m making? Do I find my job meaningful? What about my kids? Are they doing as well as they should at school? Am I spiritual enough? Am I missing something? There has to be something I should be doing/getting/achieving that I am not!”

How likely are you to be happy when your brain is actively looking for a reason not to be? Not very likely, even if you’ve set all the right goals.

If however, your conditional statement is based on the any concept, then your brain is on the hunt for the exact opposite. It is looking for a reason to be happy, and as soon as it finds one criterion that has been met, it marks the statement true and sends you a signal: “Sweet success! We’ve found happiness!”

You will always find what you’re looking for, always, whether it is a reason to be happy or not.

So, if your conditional statement involves the word all, I invite you to try replacing it with any in the next few weeks. Start training your brain to look for reasons to be happy.

And the easiest way I’ve found is through the act of gratitude. Actively look for people and things in your life for which you are grateful.

Notice what you have versus not.

Notice what others do for you versus not.

Notice what you’ve accomplished versus not.

And you’ll soon notice that there are far more reasons to be happy than not.

What is one thing you are grateful for today?

The post How To Be Happy appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

The MIA Essential Self
When I first looked my list of goals, none of them was from my essential self.

In fact, when I asked my essential self: “What is it that you truly want?” I drew a complete blank. I sat for a long time thinking about the question, and I came up with nothing.

That was a scary moment for me. I realized just how disconnected I was from my essential self.

I shouldn’t have been surprised though. After all, my social self has been trying to silence my essential self for years, dismissing her ideas and dreams as “childish, unrealistic, unachievable, etc.”

Take what I studied in college. I majored in chemistry and minored in biology, despite the fact that the only class that excited me during my entire four years there was psychology 101.

Why?

Because when picking a major, my social self stepped in and said: “What are you going to do with a psychology major? People are going to pay you to talk to them? Pick something challenging, something people will be impressed with!” So I picked chemistry, with the intention of getting a PhD, even though I had no clue what I wanted to do with the advanced degree.

If your social self consistently dismisses ideas and dreams coming from your essential self, your essential self will eventually learn to keep quiet altogether, because it knows speaking up is useless. Pretty soon, your essential self becomes a stranger who is living inside you, but whom you don’t know anything about.

The good news is, your essential self never leaves you. It’s an inherent part of you, even if it’s buried deep down inside. And there is a way to get re-acquainted and start moving toward the life you are meant to live.

Here is the three-step process I followed to re-discover my essential self’s true desire and make it a reality: earlier this year I launched my coaching practice, fifteen years after that Psychology 101 class in college. It turns out people do want to pay me to talk to them.

Step 1: Identify Your True Desires
First, you have to get to know again what you naturally prefer. See if you can identify one or more of the following:

• What activities did you love to do as a child?
• What activities do you still love to do?
• What activities make you forget time, and put you into a state of flow?
• What do you find yourself talking to people about, on and on and on?
• What are you incredibly good at doing?

Next, do a little dreaming. If you never had to worry about money again, what would you spend your time doing?

If your answer is: “I would lie on the beach all day and drink margaritas.” I invite you to dig a little deeper, because that answer is probably coming from the part of you that is completely and utterly exhausted from constantly doing and getting and striving. I’ll bet that you can only spend so much time on the beach, before you start itching for something to do.

Finally, look over your lists and see if you can detect a pattern. What are the common threads and characteristics? Are there any overlaps between what you love to do, what you’re good at, and what you dream about?

Write down everything your essential self desires. They don’t have to be big, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your life purpose shows up on the list!

Step 2: Map The Way
Now, pick a desire from your list, and figure out how to achieve it. To do that, we consult your social self.

Yes, you read that right.

It’s true that your social self isn’t great at setting goals that are aligned to the life that is right for you, because it is easily affected and influenced by external opinions and standards. However, it still plays a vital role in getting you to your right life, because your essential self has no idea how to navigate in the society you live in, in order to achieve its desires. It is fun loving and spontaneous, so it will always choose to play when given the choice.

For example, if you love video games, your essential self will want to play them all day long. Your social self, on the other hand, who is fantastic at planning ahead, and working hard, and networking with the right people, can figure out what you need to do to become a developer, so you can make a living developing and testing video games!! Your social self is the one who will get you through the studying, the exams, the resume preparation, the networking events, and the interviews, to get you the job that you will absolutely love.

One ground rule while you consult your social self: no idea is too crazy. Tell your social self this is just a brainstorming exercise if it gets skittish about other people’s judgments or opinions.

Come up with at least ten ways how can you move toward the desire you identified. Be creative.

Step 3: Take Consistent Action
Once you figure out the way to your goal, break it down to small, manageable steps. Take one step every single day.

For example, if you loved painting as a child, and want to become a painter, what is one small manageable step you can take today? Buy paint? Buy an easel? Look up the price of an easel? Do research on how to show your artwork? Call a gallery?

Take one step that brings you closer to your desire, every single day.

That’s it. 3 steps:

1. Identify a desire.
2. Figure out how to get there.
3. Take action daily.

If you consistently allow your essential self to set the destination and your social self to act as the GPS that figures out how you get there, you will be living your ideal life before you know it!!

In the comments below, name one thing your essential self desires. How can your social self help get/achieve it?

The post 3 Steps To Living Your Ideal Life appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

Actually, defining success is only a part of the equation. At its core, success is simply the achievement of a goal we set for ourselves, and it is hard to talk about success without exploring how we define and set goals in the first place.

So, I’d like to talk about goals today, and offer a new perspective.

First, I’d like you to list ten goals you want to achieve.

If you are the Type A high-achieving kind, I know you’ve done this exercise many times in the past. No need to re-invent the wheel. Just pull out the most recent list you made.

In the off chance that you’ve never made this list before, just jot down the first ten things that pop into your head.  Don’t overthink it.

Once you have your list, I’d like you to think about this question:

WHO is setting the goal, your essential self or social self?

To answer this question, you’ll need a little background on what I mean by essential and social selves. Keep the question in the back of your mind as you read on. We will be returning to it shortly.

Know Thy Selves
I learned about the concept of essential and social selves from the book Finding Your Own North Star by my mentor Dr. Martha Beck. And it was a game changer!

The essential self is your genetic and innate self. It determines your personality and talents; your preferences, desires, and how you involuntarily respond, whether emotionally and physiologically, to events and people and circumstances in your life.

Your essential self is spontaneous and instinctive and fun-loving. It is the part of you that remains the same regardless of what culture you were born into, or how you were raised. Your essential self has one main purpose: to seek out that which you naturally desire and prefer.

Your social self, on the other hand, was developed in response to external pressure and expectations. It is highly family, community, and culture-dependent. Your social self aims to please and conform to the norms and standards of the particular culture you find yourself in. It is polite, hard-working, and responsible.

Your social self also has one main purpose: to secure social approval, to please the people around you, so you can survive and make it in a world that is heavily social-dependent.

Let me give you an example of how this concept would play out in real life.

Let’s say you got invited to a party held at the home of your senior VP this Saturday, and you are deciding whether you should go or not. You’ve been working really hard for the last few weeks, and your essential self would like nothing more than to stay home and relax this weekend. On top of that, the thought of spending yet another afternoon standing around and laughing at the big boss’s jokes sends you into sheer dread.

Your social self, on the other hand, has a different perspective. It reminds you that this would be a terrific opportunity to get some face time with the boss in a social setting and establish or strengthen your personal rapport. Besides, how would it look if you were the only person absent? What would your VP think?

You get the idea.

Your goals, decisions, actions, and reactions…anything and everything in your life can be viewed from the perspectives of the two selves.

With that, let’s get back to YOU.

Who Is The Boss?
Now that you have an idea of the difference between your two selves, try the question again:

WHO is setting the goal, your essential self or social self?

Answer the question for every single item on your list.

If you find yourself still having trouble distinguishing between the two, see if either of these two methods helps:

#1. How does your goal feel?
Goals set by your essential self usually invoke a sense of freedom and excitement. It may involve hard work, and you may not yet know how to carry it off, but just thinking about it will put a smile on your face.

Goals set by your social self, on the other hand, has a weight to them. They feel heavy and full of obligation. There is a neediness of wanting to prove yourself, and a fear, of what would happen if you don’t achieve the goal, of the judgment and disapproval that may ensue.

#2. What would you do if…?
Simply ask yourself this: if no one will ever recognize or applaud you in the event of your accomplishing it, would it still be a goal? If yes, it’s essential-self-driven. If no, then it’s social-self-driven.

Why Does It Matter?
If your list is full of goals driven by your essential self, congratulations! You’re probably living a happy life that is pretty closely aligned to your life purpose. (That’s right, your life purpose will never be something your essential self hates to do.)

If however, your list is mostly social-self-driven, then I want to invite you to take some time and re-think your goals.

Much like how we defined success last week, goals that are set purely to win social approval and recognition cannot bring you true happiness, because they are not based on what you innately desire. Instead, they take you further and further away from the life you’re meant to live.

So what is it that you truly want?

It’s YOUR life. Live for YOURSELF.

Thoughts, comments, questions? I’d love to hear them! Share in the comments below!

The post The WHO Behind Your Goals appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

I certainly am.

I am usually not a sports fan, but it’s hard not to get swept up by the Olympic spirits. It has been an exciting fourteen days, watching these amazing athletes and the astonishing things their bodies could do, sharing the anticipation and the excitement from the crowd, and celebrating all the truly extraordinary achievements.

What touched me the most was the demonstration of human potential, of overcoming difficulties and achieving the seemingly impossible. My eyes would spontaneously well up as stories of hard work and perseverance and dedication, which finally led to Olympic medals, were recounted time and time again.

But then, there were also the heartbreaking moments, when someone who worked just as hard missed the chance of becoming an Olympic champion or medalist by one-tenth of a second, a meter or a point.

Here are just two examples:

Minutes after winning the silver medal in the men’s 56kg weight lifting event, Wu Jingbiao, China’s two-time world champion broke down in tears and apologized for letting down his country:

“I feel terribly guilty for disappointing my country, the Chinese weightlifting team and all the people who supported me. I am sorry!”

Lolo Jones of the United States, a defending world champion in the 60m hurdle, also broke down in tears on the “Today” show, the day after she missed the bronze medal by just one-tenth of a second in the women’s 100m hurdle. Lolo called the results “crushing”. Her time for the race: 12.58 seconds.

Think about that: a silver Olympic medal and a 12.58 seconds time…astonishing successes no matter what standard you use, yet both athletes were devastated.

This got me thinking about success and what it means.

How Success Is Commonly Defined
Here are three common ways we as a society define success:

#1. Fame and Fortune
Fame and fortune are definitely the yardsticks by which success is most commonly measured. Whether you are considered successful has everything to do with what number is in your bank account, what house you live in, what car you drive, what title you have, how many people will recognize you on the street, etc. If you don’t have anything that allows you to act like a somebody, then you’re a nobody.

#2. One-Upmanship
Success also commonly involves a point of comparison. Whether you are successful is relative. Are you more successful than your peer group of the same age and background? Are you more successful than your friends and your neighbors? Do you have the biggest house on the block?

Or, do you find yourself downplaying your own accomplishments and successes because others have achieved them as well?

#3. External Approval
Finally, success is often about gaining external approval. While it is great that you managed to accomplish a goal, whether you feel successful or not often hinges on whether those around you or the public at large deem it big enough to be worthy of recognition or celebration. And by the way, the comparison, the fame, and the fortune all come into play as to whether you receive the external approval or not.

What Success Is Really About
Now that we’ve looked at the most common definitions, I have a question for you:

How do you define success for yourself?

If you’re like most people, your definition of success is probably a combination of all three outlined above. No matter which definition(s) you use though, notice that they all have one thing in common: dependency on external standards.

That’s right, most of us are used to allowing something outside of ourselves to define what success is for us.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with fame or fortune or approval. There is also nothing wrong with striving for excellence, and being the best in competition.

The problem occurs when we start to believe that these are the only indicators of success, that they alone determine whether we are worthy, whether we’ve done enough, whether we are good enough. The problem occurs if/when some or all of these external accolades should go away, we are left without meaning or value or worth.

So we drive ourselves to the point of exhaustion trying to do more and get more, yet we are rarely happy. And we are constantly stressed.

Since the pursuit of happiness is one of the most common goals in life, wouldn’t you agree that our definitions of success aren’t serving us too well?

I think it is time we each define success for ourselves, in such a way so that we can feel proud and worthy and enough no matter what our external circumstances happen to be.

Take some time this week and ask yourself: what does success mean to me?

It is a question worth pondering, and you are the only one who can answer it.

To get you started with some ideas, here is how I define it:

• Success is accomplishing a goal I set out for myself, any goal, large or small.
• Success is always doing my best, on any given day.
• Success is spending my life doing what I find meaningful.
• Success is based on what I do, not what others do or say or think.

Back To The Olympics…
I’d like to end the post with an athlete who wore his silver medal with pride. Roger Federer, the current number 1 tennis player in the world, was defeated in straight sets by Andy Murray, possibly losing the only chance he had at winning a career Golden Slam (4 grand slam titles plus an Olympic gold medal). Yet Federer said he was still happy: “It was unfortunate, but it was still a great day for me…Andy was just the best player of the tournament.”

By the way he congratulated Murray after the match, and the way he responded in the interviews, it is clear to me that Federer follows the beat of his own drum, and all the external accolades are nice-to-have’s, not necessities.

And that to me is true success.

How do you define success? Share in the comments below!

And if you find yourself having trouble finding a definition of success that isn’t dependent on external standards, we should talk!

The post Redefining Success appeared first on Self Love Coaching.

Whenever I’ve sat down to create any sort of content, whether for my website, blog or coaching programs, it would typically turn into a long and agonizing process.

I’d spend days just sitting in front of my laptop, staring at a blank Word document. I’d noodle on potential topics, decide on one, then toss it out, then decide on another. I’d mull over how best to introduce the topic and make my point both effectively and in a concise manner. I’d write sentences and even whole sections in my head and then delete them.

This reiterative process would go on for days, until I finally put fingers to keyboard…and then I’d repeat the process all over again, only this time it would be done on my computer with typed words as opposed to thoughts in my head…

What I am saying is, while I love sharing content with you all, the writing process itself is something I can do without.  

A New Experience
And I honestly believed that the writing process would always be difficult for me, until about a week ago, when a good friend of mine came to town to visit.

Since I wanted to maximize the visit with her, I had a very limited amount of time to produce ~5000 words of content, which would’ve taken me at least a week under normal circumstances. I was seriously concerned about how I was going to pull it off in just a couple of days.

But something interesting happened.

During those couple of days, ideas and words just seemed to flow easily and effortlessly out of me. I was on a roll. In fact, I hardly had to make any edits, whether in my head or on paper, before I arrived at the final products.

I was floored.

I couldn’t understand what had brought on this sudden ease of writing. Then it dawned on me: it was my words.

You see, before last week, whenever someone asked me: “Hey, how is the blog/newsletter writing going?” I’d reply half jokingly: “like squeezing blood out of stone”, to convey just how frustrating the process was.

Last week however, was different. Because I only had two days to churn out the content, I had no time to be dramatic about it or get overwhelmed. I simply told myself that it had to happen, in the time I had allocated. Instead of “I don’t know if I can write 2500 words a day,” I said, “I will write 2500 words a day.”

And that made all the difference.

Let me explain.

Words Are Powerful
Our words are incredibly powerful. They form our thoughts and beliefs, they determine our feelings, they drive our behaviors and actions, and they direct our brain as to what information to focus on and what problems to solve.

Take my writing process for example. When I described it as “squeezing blood out of stone”, my intention was to convey that the process could be frustrating at times. However, what I didn’t realize was, every time I made that statement, I was reinforcing to myself, over and over again, that writing is hard, that it is and will always be a difficult process.

And unconsciously, my words turned into a belief, and I behaved accordingly. I would plan for the worst by reserving large chunks of time in my calendar. I would spend hours either feeling overwhelmed at the sheer thought of starting the writing process again, or second-guessing my instincts with regards to topics.

The result? I spent days producing just one blog post or one page of content for my website, which further served as evidence that writing is indeed a difficult process, something my brain happily picked up and filed away for future reference.

On the other hand, when I had just those two days to write ~5000 words, I simply told myself: “get it done”.  And with that clear instruction, my brain and I both got on board. My brain no longer wasted time on whether it was possible, and instead focused how to make it happen. I followed suit by listening to my instincts on what topic to write about, how to introduce it, what anecdotes to use, etc. I didn’t get overwhelmed and I didn’t second-guess myself, because I was laser-focused on the end goal. The results were astounding: I managed to produce about four times as much content as I normally would, without sacrificing any quality.

So you see, words are beyond powerful. They have a direct impact on what and how we experience life.

Be Aware and Be Deliberate
The good news is words are easily noticeable and controllable. The first step is to become aware of them, and then it’s a matter of becoming deliberate in choosing what words you use.

Try this exercise: for the next week or two, notice what thoughts you have and what words you use as you go about your daily life.

For example, when you go to the mall, do you say: “I never find anything that looks good on me”?

When you think about your job, do you say: “I have to work this job so I can pay my mortgage”?

When you look in the mirror, do you say: “I will never lose these 20 pounds”?

Pay special attention to words like “never”, “always”, “have to”, or “should”. They send powerful signals to your brain and can leave you feeling stuck and without options.

Once you notice the words you commonly use, experiment with replacing them or modifying the sentences in such a way so that the statements still feel truthful but bring about a better feeling, or a sense of possibility.

Replace the statements above with:

“There are so many options here…I’m sure I’ll find something that looks good on me.”

“I choose to work so my family and I can live in this beautiful house.”

“I haven’t lost these 20 pounds yet, but I’m making progress every single day.”

Do this exercise with thoughts or words that are relevant for you. Can you feel the subtle shift in the way you feel? Do you notice that there is now a space, however small, for new possibilities and outcomes to emerge? Keep expanding that space and that sense of possibility.

Your words are powerful. Use them wisely.

What words do you notice yourself using that may be keeping you stuck? What new words can you use in their place?

Share in the comments!

The post The Power of Your Words appeared first on Self Love Coaching.