self serve(d)

BirthMarkings: A beautiful Documentary Project

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:55:00 +0000

This beautiful short film is a project by Margaret Lazarus. It is moving to watch.

So much of our lives as women, we battle with our bodies and unrealistic beauty standards all around us. Lazarus makes the poetic comparison between birth markings on womens' bodies and the effects of nature in our universe. We are inspired by the beauty of swept sands, aging trees or layers upon layers of rocky sediment, yet the marks of stories and creativity on post-birth bodies are often erased by cosmetic surgery or hidden, and called ugly.

Sometimes, simply the visibility of our beauty and diversity can help us reframe our perception. May you come away with a fresh perspective on birth markings as well.

From the filmmaker, Margaret Lazarus:

The idea for this project began percolating in my mind when I learned that the fastest growing plastic surgery for women was the post-birth tummy tuck. I started to think about what it means that we want to erase the signs of something so important and profoundly creative as giving birth. I wanted to explore this with women of different ages, backgrounds and experiences. BirthMarkings is a result of this exploration. I saw that so many of us internalized negative messages about our post-birth bodies, but that images of the passage of time, and the impact of physical forces on earth, trees, sand, stone and in space could be seen as beautiful. I wanted to reframe the image of the post birth body in this way. When I talked about this project I was overwhelmed by the number of women who offered to show me their stretch marks and scars and wanted to be part of this film. One of the biggest challenges was to select only some of their stories. Through the making and the showing of this film at festivals and in public spaces, I am continually reminded about how powerfully women are affected by the commodification of our bodies and how important it is to relate what happens to our bodies after we create life to the beauty of the natural world.

Camera/Editor: Sarah Ledoux, Producer/Editor: Renner Wunderlich, Still Photography: Tricia O'Neill

About the Author

Margaret Lazarus is an author and documentary filmmaker. With her partner, Renner Wunderlich, she has produced and directed over 20 films including: the Academy Award winning, "Defending Our Lives"; the groundbreaking "Rape Culture" and twenty five years later, its award winning update "Rape Is"; the original "Killing Us Softly" and "Still Killing Us Softly" which were two of the most widely used documentaries in academia; festival award winners "Strong at the Broken Places," "The Strength to Resist," "Pink Triangles," "The Last Empire," "Eugene Debs and the American Movement," "Life's Work," "Not Just A Job," "Taking Our Bodies Back," and others. She created the UN General Assembly film presentation "Women's Rights: Human Rights." For several years she was a senior lecturer at Tufts University teaching Producing Film for Social Change. She is a coauthor of the chapters on violence against women in the many editions of Our Bodies, Ourselves and has published numerous op-ed pieces and journal articles. She has two sons, whose births began her journey towards "BirthMarkings."

Watch Self Serve TV!

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:08:00 +0000

Did you know Self Serve is creating lots of sex ed and sex toy reviews videos? We've been making more and more clips of how-to sex technique videos, sex toy reviews, and sharing discussions about sexuality issues that matter to us.

We love getting to share information and educate in our Albuquerque store, so we're excited to share with the world online. Now you can study before you make a purchase! Enjoy!

Looking for Sex Positive Healthcare Providers

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:43:00 +0000

Do patients say this about you?

If so, mark your calendar!

Sex Positive Networking Night

Wednesday, January 11th

5-7 pm

at Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center
3904 Central Ave SE in Upper Nob Hill

Network with other sex positive healthcare professionals
Meet Self Serve co-owners & sexuality educators Molly & Matie
Learn how Self Serve can support your patients’ sexual health
Schedule a Self Serve visit or training at your office
Add your name to our free directory of sex positive healthcare professionals

Call 505-265-5815 or email workshops@selfservetoys.com to register

Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center is compiling a free directory of patient-recommended, sex positive health professionals in the Albuquerque area.

If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please either email sexpositiveabq@gmail.com or call the store at 505-265-5815 with the name, practice and contact info of the person you are recommending.

Feel free to sing the praises of someone who was happy to help you without judgment or prejudice. Your community will thank you.

Self Serve is 5 Years Old Today!

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:42:00 +0000

We celebrate our 5th anniversary this month, and we are grateful.

5 years ago today we opened the doors at Self Serve, became a part of Albuquerque's cultural landscape, and became a part of your lives. We were two women who just moved from Boston, not knowing much about Burque, and we took a chance on a friendly, new city for our little sexuality resource center.

Thanks for making us a part of your story. While we may have had visits from Zoning or media all too interested in porn, we also have been growing a space where you come and ask us questions and share your stories with us. You trust us and take steps to improve your relationships. You have shared your falling in love and breaking up tales. We have helped you buy your first vibrator. We have helped you come out... as queer, bi, poly or trans. You have asked for help. We have helped you have better sex. Or we've helped you try again after the divorce or being widowed. We knew you before the baby or before you got married. We helped you gain back confidence after the positive STI test. We helped you love your body more - as is. We told you it's ok.

Thank you. Thanks for letting us in, and taking those tough steps, for trusting us and yourself. Sexuality, our desires, our identities can be confusing, challenging and surprising at times. They are integral parts of our lives, and we're glad we can help you navigate. We hope to keep spreading the love for years to come.

We feel so honored to be a part of this community - both in the Duke city and online. Thanks for an amazing first 5 years.

Love,
Molly and Matie

p.s. we'll be celebrating with events throughout the month!

Thursday, January 12 7:30 pm
Sex Toy Story Night: A night of over-sharing, laughter and camaraderie
Share your stories of self love, bloopers, embarrassments and triumphs. Prizes for Best & Worst Sex Toy Stories! $5

Saturday, January 21
Celebrate 5 years of Self Serve at our Open House Birthday Celebration!
Giveaways & Specials all day! Games & Fun 5-9 pm!

Monday, January 30
The Self Serve community is spreading the love around ABQ
–Details to follow!

Awakening the Clitoris from Betty Dodson

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 21:30:00 +0000

This is a re-post of Betty Dodson's Blog. She is one of our sheroes- here you can see why. So many women have not learned about their own body, anatomy and arousal and many women have never had an orgasm. It's one of the primary ways we help women at Self Serve. Here Betty talks about some common challenges and solutions for finding that pleasure!

Awakening the Clitoris by Betty Dodson

After hearing countless sex histories from girls and women over the past four decades, I believe sexual repression begins the moment a parent or caregiver punishes a child’s natural curiosity for touching their own sex organs.

Society needs to understand that the health of each person’s sexlife rests upon childhood masturbation— the foundation upon which all of human sexuality is based. It’s very consistent that each client I see struggling with orgasms as an adult has no memory of masturbating in childhood or in their teens. The absence of this natural self-exploration interferes with the development of nerve pathways that carry positive sensations from our genitals to the pleasure center in the brain. This blocks or slows down the development of sexual release with orgasm.

Not as many boys get the same message of “Don’t touch your-self down there” as do girls. The male sex organ is more easily accessible so society tacitly agrees that a boy’s sexual interest is more natural or urgent due to the ejaculation of semen. However, all societies controlled by some form of organized religion demonize pleasure for its own sake, so boys suffer masturbation repression as well. The predominant acceptance for sexuality remains fixated on procreation within a monogamous heterosexual marriage— far too narrow an image. Therefore most of us are sinners in the eyes of the church which makes it much easier to control a large portion of the population by a few.

Female sexual conditioning is already in play when a concerned parent unknowingly sets up a sexual double standard when mothers want their sons to be sexual but fear their daughters might end up with an unwanted teen pregnancy with all that entails. Therefore, most girls grow up without any idea of where her sexual feelings come from except by accident like climbing a rope in gym class, clenching their legs together or rocking on the arm of an overstuffed chair. They become fixated on some weird form of indirect clitoral stimulation that rarely translates into partnersex. Meanwhile, boys learn to come quickly to avoid getting “caught in the act.” This leads to adult men ejaculating fast because they have not learned to sustain heightened sexual feelings. So for every pre-orgasmic woman there is a pre-mature ejaculating man.

Add to this all the jokes, disgust or moral condemnation shown toward masturbation and we have a recipe for preventing people from discovering the joys of orgasmic sex. Those who do masturbate often struggle with guilt and self-loathing. Once we include Dr. Freud’s theory of “mature vaginal orgasms” for women and more recently the much debated, yet fashionable G spot, we have a population that is very sexually confused. Men believe they must “give” a woman her orgasm to prove they’re good lovers while women have been conditioned to protect the male ego. Many women end up faking an orgasm to avoid hurting a lovers feelings and thus sacrificing their own pleasure. As if that isn’t bad enough, we misname the female genitals by reducing all the parts down to a “vagina” which only refers to the birth canal. When was the last time you saw the word clitoris in print or heard it said on television?

Sex educators know this: When we go on television, we are told we can say “G” spot but refer to the clitoris as the “C” spot. When I was interviewed by Bill O’Reilly in 2002, I was told that I couldn’t say “Orgasms for Two” the title of my book, so I had to use the sub title, “The Joy of Partnersex.” Bill said it was because his was a “family show.” I took that to mean families didn’t have any orgasms which is probably closer to the truth.

As long as church and state continues to limit sex to procreation, we’ll have a severely repressed society. Nearly all men can ejaculate quickly but far too many women are not orgasmic. These women suffer from guilt and self-loathing and blame themselves for being “frigid” or today it’s called “sexually dysfunctional.” Both women and men end up comparing themselves to porn stars, which has been society’s primary form of sex education. Naturally this causes more insecurity and dissention in relationships often leading to divorce and the break-up of families. But a sexually controlled society is much easier to manipulate by a few authoritarian dictators, priests, or other so-called leaders.

We now have a chance to change the course of history with the emerging Global Revolution. This time we must complete the sexual revolution that began in the sixties by including orgasmic pleasure in the teaching of human sexuality.

“Help me Dr. Betty. I’ve never had an orgasm.” I have lost track of how many times I‘ve answered this very same question: I want to share this near perfect example from Rebecca. Her story represents many young girls’ struggle with the inability to discover and enjoy the experience of orgasm. In a society where sex is everywhere we turn, this can be emotionally very painful. She feels broken and sexually inadequate.

Rebecca’s first question: Friday, Jun 17, 2011
“I’m almost twenty years old, and I’ve never had an orgasm. I have no problem with getting aroused. I think about sex a lot, I want sex a lot, and I fantasize about sex regularly. However, touching my vulva, being touched or having intercourse doesn’t seem to work right for me. I love sex – I love the idea of a man being inside me, I love touching a man and pleasuring him. I just don’t seem to get the physical pleasure other girls do. Often, sex is very painful for me.

The same goes for oral or manual stimulation. It feels horrible half of the time; I can’t seem to stand my clitoris being touched. So oral sex feels like a combination of very little pleasure and absolute pain. I love going down on men, and honestly, that is what I prefer since there is no expectation and I can focus on him being turned on. Besides, I am sick of explaining I don’t come so he doesn’t feel badly if he doesn’t give me an orgasm. I would fake one for him, but I have no idea how.

The only times I would feel any pleasure are during dry humping when I was on top (oddly, it feels better with clothes on). Or when on the bed, I would lie on my stomach and he would lie on top of me while entering from behind. I think it was because the pleasure was less centered, more spread out, but not consistent. Just occasionally he would hit the right spot for a few moments, and suddenly I would feel a slight build up, then he would always speed up because I was reacting positively. But I’d loose the right spot after a few seconds anyway so he gets a release and I get to lie there still feeling turned on, and ashamed.

My ex would tell me, “It will happen someday.” But if I can’t maintain pleasure for more than a few moments very occasionally, how can I possibly expect a build-up to orgasm? Each time he would try to encourage me by telling me “To come” and I would just get depressed. It is not going to happen at this rate, and if I tell someone the truth about how it sometimes hurts, no one will want to be with me.
I know masturbation is the key here, but without having a man around, I do not feel turned on. I feel stupid and nervous, and I will lie there for ages until it gets depressing and I just can’t bear it anymore. I’ve tried vaginal stimulation, clitoral stimulation, that shower head technique... it feels numb or horribly painful, and I just don’t know how to get aroused by myself. No gynecologist has told me there is anything physically wrong, so I’m at a loss. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. I’m sick of feeling frustrated and still aroused after sex, and I’m sick of having no idea what everyone else is enjoying.

I know orgasm is not the end-all-be-all of sex. I still enjoy having sex, so I will keep having it. But since I’m feeling so frustrated, it makes finding a partner very difficult. I didn’t even have oppressive parents. They have been very open and supporting in every way, so what’s wrong with me? I just want to know what an orgasm is, to feel it at least once in my life. I want to know what I’m missing. I want sex to be what it’s supposed to be. The only other aspect that might come into the picture was being touched inappropriately by a boy at age 16, but I was having trouble with masturbation long before that. I have also taken anti-depressants from age 14 to 18, but I took Welbutrin for a while after, which is supposed to fix the sexual dysfunction they cause, and I am no longer depressed. Other than that, I have an anxiety disorder... But even with my scheduled anxiety drugs, I’m not able to function any better, so I’m still at a loss. I apologize for the length of this, but I’ve just never really been open about sex like this before. Thank you for your time. I love your website. It’s really incredible what you’re doing!”

My response:
Dear Rebecca,
What you describe is a common pattern for legions of young women today. In my opinion, it was insane to put a 14 year old girl on an anti-depressant drug. It is a known fact that these drugs interfere with a person's sexual build-up to orgasm. The same goes for Welbutrin. Google Welbutrin side effects and read the information available. Today it is all too easy to take a child to a doctor and get a quick fix with some drug.

You sound like a smart young woman so I recommend you make a 350 degree turn around and embrace alternative healing modalities. Change your diet and use yoga and meditation for your anxiety. We all have some degree of feeling anxious; its part of the human condition. Burn off some of your pent up sex frustration by taking up a sport where you can sweat. Work out in a gym, swim lengths in a pool (my favorite). For now, don’t focus so much on wanting an orgasm with a partner. Your young man knows even less than you do about female sexuality. You need to practice masturbation alone by exploring your vulva and to focus on stimulating your clitoris.

Stop being such a drama queen by claiming that clitoral stimulation "either feels numb or horribly painful." Unless you are beating up on your clit with dry fingers or some hard objects, “horribly painful” is a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe “discomfort” or “intense” would be better terms. In addition, the fact that you cannot focus on yourself without a "man around" makes you a victim. It’s highly unlikely that any man will be able to help you have an orgasm unless you can go there first. I know that many boys chant, "Come, come, come!" But that just creates more pressure on girls to perform and it’s a sure way to turn us off. While these young men mean well, they are using the male model of sexual response that doesn’t work for us. So it’s back to basics.

Go to How to Orgasm and follow my step-by-step process. Your clitoris needs to be awakened by your own gentle touch. Begin with an over-all vulva massage using some organic oil like coconut. You have a lot to overcome and learn so do not expect instant success. Sex is like any art form; first, the basics are learned and then practiced like a dancer working out at the exercise bar in front of mirrors. All the information you need is on the website. Let me know when you succeed. I am rooting for you.
Rebecca’s second response follows:

“I wanted to thank you for what you wrote to me a few months back. You were right. My clitoris had not been awakened. That wording was perfect, and it really made me think. I never would have imagined that the extreme sensitivity I felt could really be solved just by touching myself regularly! You were right, though. You were so, so right. It is just like trying to jump into cold water: you have to start by wading in the shallow end or it will be unpleasant. So finally, I worked through it, and I had my first orgasm!

I read your article on How to Orgasm. I spent time. I went slowly. I focused on what felt good rather than what I thought I was supposed to feel. I learned what worked for me and what did not. I decided to masturbate at least a couple times a week. Then I tried sex with more than one person. I had sex where I was in control and overall, I have loosened up. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I do not have an orgasm every time I masturbate, and I’ve only managed once with partnersex (oral and manual), but now I know it will take time. I am not expecting an orgasm from vaginal penetration. Actually, I was finally able to tell a partner to stop focusing on my vagina and focus on my clitoris instead! Even after he said other girls can come vaginally, I did not feel guilty. I am finally focusing on me, rather than focusing on what others think. I feel so much more confident. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you for messaging me back. Thank you for rooting for me, and for other girls out there dealing with this. Just, thank you so much.”

This first category of problems for pre-orgasmic girls stems from lack of masturbation. The second category is having small orgasms but they are unable to identify them due to their expectations of what they “think” an orgasm will be like. Their ideas about orgasm are either based on watching porn, which is entertainment for men, or scenes from movies where women seem to orgasm effortlessly or noisily; once again for the sake of entertaining an audience.

“Dear Dr. Betty.
I'm 25, and until last night I'd believed I'd never really had an orgasm, except for possibly one time shortly after I started masturbating around the age of 12. I've masturbated almost religiously since then, often several times a day, with breaks occasionally where I just get too discouraged to try anymore and quit for a few months.

So Last night I read through the entire section on not being able to orgasm, and the stories of many women were eerily similar to mine. I feel something building and I always feel just on the verge of coming, like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff. But it feels too good, or too intense, and then all of a sudden I'm empty. Arousal leaves me and I don't want to be touched. This leaves me feeling unsatisfied and incomplete, and so very frustrated. Every time your response to these women, women like me, was the same: “THAT'S an orgasm.” Since it doesn't feel like a release, I didn't think it was. Those feelings are so intense, and seem to be building towards something downright explosive, so the fizzle I got instead is, well, anti-climatic.

Because of your beautiful mission to educate us about our own bodies, I've come to the startlingly simple truth: For 13 years I've just been asking the wrong question. Instead of 'why can't I orgasm? What's wrong with me?' I should have been asking, 'What can I do to improve my orgasms?’ It never occurred to me to ask, because to improve I would need to have one to start with. Last night when I masturbated, I really focused on the sensations, thinking about it from the standpoint that I orgasm every time I masturbate. And I realized you were right - it does feel like a release, just a quiet, gentle one. My inner muscles don't contract or convulse, but now I know they don't have to.

So today, I decided to try to keep going after my clit stopped being so sensitive. I slowly built up and ended up having five of my little orgasms. Instead of feeling frustrated I felt relaxed and sleepy and content. There was no more pressure on myself. Now, instead of giving up after what I thought was no orgasm, I'm going to enjoy myself, and see if I can start building up to more intense orgasms. Now that I know the right question to ask, I can experiment with my orgasms (I'm still in disbelief that I can put those two words together!) Not giving up after one already helps!

So once again, thank you so much. It seems now like such a simple thing, but I felt broken and ashamed to admit to partners I wouldn't be able to orgasm with them. Now I'm excited by the prospect of fun mornings (afternoons, and evenings...) exploring a part of myself I never realized existed. I feel like Cinderella finally getting to go to the ball. So keep doing what you're doing. The women of this world need you.”

The First Two Problems: No masturbation followed by exaggerated idea of orgasm.

1. No masturbation: The big problem for these young girls who have never masturbated is that they have no idea how their sex organ functions. Learning how to orgasm during partnersex is very unlikely unless the man involved has a soft touch and is willing to spend a lot of time gently stimulating her clitoris with moistened fingers. Or he is gifted in performing oral sex and has the patience to keep going for thirty minutes or more. Even if he succeeds, she is then totally dependent on him for all of her sexual pleasure. While that might stroke his ego in the beginning, it will soon seem like a job without pay.

2. Exaggerated image of orgasm: girls who leave it up to their boyfriends to help them have an orgasm become the classic image of the blind leading the blind. He knows even less than she does because his sex organ functions totally differently from hers. If he’s circumcised and unfortunately most boys are, he relies on rapid friction to order to ejaculate. Boys with foreskins are gentler with a self-lubricating sex organ. It’s clear to many that the basic idea behind this barbaric practice is to prevent boys from masturbating.

The first step begins toward sexual healing is looking at your vulva in a mirror that stands alone to free both of your hands. None of this one-handed exploration will work. Next is a good light. Begin with a vulva massage using organic massage oil and slowly progress to manual stimulation of your clitoris. After five or so minutes, use your vibrator on low and keep it near the clitoris but not on it at first. Some women start above the clitoris or use the vibrator on the outer labia to soften the vibes. (Today I use a sock on my Magic Wand). As you feel sexual excitement building, keep moving the vibrator. One consistent mistake I have observed is to bear down with your vibrator to increase sensation. That never works. It will just numb out the entire area.

Once you have your first orgasm, back off and let those 8,000 nerve endings in your clitoris calm down. Then continue stimulation above or below Ms. Clitty while rocking your pelvis and breathing. This is when many of us can experience lovely after-shocks of pleasure as the sex energy continues to course through our bodies. Some women like to go on and have another orgasm while others are content with just one. Many have discovered that as long as the stimulation is to their liking, they can continue to have several more orgasms until physically tired. In my experience, each orgasm has its own build-up with varying lengths of time in-between. Sexual response is very personal. No one style fits all.

We need to explore our bodies with an open mind, without any fixed agenda or ideas of what an orgasm will feel like. We now have two generations of youth who have grown up with the abstinence only model as their primary source of sex information. Porn is entertainment for men and rarely if ever incorporates women’s sexual needs. Most important for all of us to realize is women function quite differently than men— we cannot expect orgasmic results in 5 or even 10 minutes. Yet this timing is adequate for most men.

Go to the Navigation Bar at www.dodsonandross.com and click on “Ask Dr. Betty.” Read other women’s questions which will help you to form your own. When we lack sex information and have a minimum of experience, we don’t know enough to even form the right question. But once you have the information to help you explore your body more expertly, you’ll discover new physical sensations and feelings. In no time al all you will be an orgasmic woman well on her way to enjoying a happy sex life. Just remember, sex is like any other skill: it must be learned and then practiced. My recommendation is to practice regularly as though you were training for the Sexual Olympics.

Leather Bear Tails: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 15:13:00 +0000

Happy New Year to all you Leather, BDSM'ers, kinksters, and fetishists!!!

Take this Holiday with joy and light and love and great spanking!!!

We will be celebrating with friends and family at out favorite nudy bar followed by crashing in
town and a great big breakfast!!!

Be safe have fun and remember what happens n New yeas eve day and New years day will give you little insights as to what will happen the rest of the year!!

So keep your eyes open, your heart ready and your cute bottoms warmed to all of the new possibilities that a New Year can being!!!

Very Sincerely,

Master Bear and her slave

If you are interested in power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Leather Bear Tails: Happy Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 15:16:00 +0000

Leather Bear Tails: Happy Holidays to Everyone!

Hello there everyone! Happy holidays to you and yours no matter where you are in the spiritual spectrum! My slave and I hope that you are safe and joyous for the holiday season and wish you all a Happy and amazing New Year’s celebration that bring you all what your heart’s desire!

Much Love,

Master Bear and slave

Leather Bear Tails: 12 slaves of Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:04:00 +0000

One the first day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

A blow job in the front car seat

On the second day of Christmas my true slave put on for me:

Two nipple clamps

On the third day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Three anal rings

On the fourth day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Four fire cups

On the fifth day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Five Or-Gas-Ims

On the sixth day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Six cooter pictures

On the seventh day of Christmas my true slave took from me:

Seven floggers swinging

On the eight day of Christmas my true slave took from me:

Eight canes a caning

On the ninth day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Nine ladies fucking

On the tenth day of Christmas my true slave gave to me:

Ten slaves a sucking

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true slave took from me:

Eleven paddles spanking

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true slave took from me:

Twelve strap on’s thrusting

If you are looking for play parties power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are looking for an active online community please find

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Slut Walk + Red Umbrella Day

noreply@blogger.com (Sera Miles) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:28:00 +0000

Join us as we Slut Walk from the PEP Office to the Albuquerque Social Club in honor of the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers (aka "Red Umbrella Day").

Read more about Red Umbrella Day here. Read some background on Slut Walk here.

We are thrilled to announce plans for our THIRD Albuquerque Red Umbrella Day! Here's the plan for Sunday, December 18th, 5-830pm:

Meet at PEP (149 Jackson NE in ABQ) at 5pm. Bring signs for Slut Walk if you wish, or just bring yourself. Walk together to the Albuquerque Social Club (4021 Central NE), which is graciously allowing us to gather for the reading of the names (of sex workers murdered in 2011) and candle-lighting ceremony. After we read the names and light candles, we will open the floor for anyone to speak.

We will be taking photographs. If you do not wish to be photographed, please let the event organizers, Brittany or Sera Miles, know prior to Dec 18th.

Regarding Slut Walk, we want to note that we are aware of the controversy and varying view points about the name and purpose of Slut Walk. For our purposes, the Slut Walk is inclusive of sex workers and is a supporting pillar of Red Umbrella Day.

Have a question? Want to talk with the organizers? Email seramiles@gmail.com.

Nob Hill Park & Shop | Thursday, December 15

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 23:48:00 +0000

Shop Nob Hill for a Neighborhood-Wide

Sale Event

December 15, 2011

15% off our entire store

December 15, 2011

Open late 12 - 9 pm

Buy Local & Save!

Community Bands Together to Create Nob Hill

Park & Shop Thursday, December 15th

Many businesses are open late and having 1 Day Sales.

Nob Hill Retailers need your help!

The 17th annual Nob Hill Shop and Stroll happened on December 2nd as planned, but hurricane-strength winds and brutal cold kept most shoppers at home. It was bad for business, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time for Nob Hill.

Your Nob Hill neighborhood is struggling. Shop and Stroll is usually one of the biggest sales days of the year for most area retailers. For many merchants, 2011 has been the most challenging year they’ve ever faced. Jay Steinberg, owner of Birdland shares, “for the first time in 17 years I’m on the verge of going out of business.” He is far from alone. Many stores have closed over the last few years in Nob Hill. Matie Fricker, Co Owner of Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center, and lead organizer of Park and Shop explains, “We’re about to celebrate our store’s 5th anniversary, and it should be a time for celebration. But it’s never been harder just to stay open. When I started talking to neighbors, I realized that we are not alone.” Martha Somerville, the owner of Papers for 15 years has seen the neighborhood change. “I grew up going to mom and pop stores--I always loved the creativity and individuality I found there. It feels very different shopping in a store that is locally owned. You can feel the passion of the owner, their heart is in the business and you really feel the love in how you are treated.” Unfortunately, Martha has been forced to move Papers into a smaller space in order to save her shop. “The sales just aren’t coming into support the cost of doing business.” Martha fears that without a change Nob Hill could end up looking like a ghost town.

What's happening in Nob Hill is happening all over America, and through Park & Shop, the merchants of Nob Hill hope to make it easier for folks to keep their money in their local community. According to Wayne Story, VP of Communications and Marketing for the Albuquerque Independent Business Association (AIBA) “Albuquerque area consumers and businesses are spending too much of their money on businesses with ownership in other states, and the money is flooding out of New Mexico. It's filling the pockets of out of state internet businesses and national companies whose profits leave the state and never return.”

Whether or not you can shop on Thursday, December 15th, Nob Hill merchants hope that you will choose to support locally and independently owned small businesses. By choosing to support Nob Hill and other locally owned businesses you can effectively keep vitally needed resources here in New Mexico.

For sales and details, go to:

Nob-Hill-Park-Shop-Event-Info on Facebook

Nob Hill Park & Shop Sales and Specials

The list of businesses offering big sales on December 15th is growing.

Some participants are: Revolver, Kosmic Trading Post, Self Serve, T ‘n’ A Tobacco, The Herb Store, Cowboys and Indians, Birdland, Gearwerks, Olo Yogurt Studio, Stone Mountain Beads, Terra Firma, Rhythm Dance Company, Rockit Hair Studio, Toad Road, The Yarn Store, Tres Boutique, Sole Art and Antiques, Bath and Body Distro, Stilo, Ecco Gellato, Bath and Body Distro, Astro Zombies, Papers, Zap..Oh!, Form Gallery, Aqui-Nob Hill, The Barber's Shop, Stone Circle Massage and more.

Check out this huge sale event on Facebook, then share with friends!

See a list of neighborhood sales online

Like voting with your dollars?

Check out the Cash Mob Movement, also launching in ABQ this Thursday.

Self Serve

www.selfservetoys.com

505-265-5815

Leather Bear Tails: Aftercare

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:04:00 +0000

For a long time I have heard about Masters and slaves, or bottoms and tops that do not do aftercare. About a year ago I was at a party and a top and bottom were talking, they were saying that they both thought that aftercare was a joke. The bottom said that they had no need for that touchy feely mushy stuff, and the top said that aftercare was not their job. I was a little taken aback by this conversation, and I reluctantly spoke up that I enjoyed aftercare. They both looked at me like I was growing horns, and the conversation ended.

I remember a few years before that, I was at a presentation on M/s dynamics. The Master said that for him aftercare consisted of the slave packing up the toys back and cleaning the equipment, if the slave was lucky they could quickly kiss the Masters boots.

Intellectually I get it that some people are not geared toward aftercare, but honestly, emotionally I don’t understand it at all.

Recently when I co-topped my slave with another couple I knew that the other top did not do aftercare. I was very interested in how this was going to go, because I had never seen or experienced this first hand. I completely respected their no aftercare boundary, and so when the scene was over the other top left and I began the aftercare to my slave.

Because the concept of no aftercare is so foreign to me, I am really curious about why other people are not into it.

I have seen that bottoms are all very different coming out of scenes, some bottoms are wide eyed and energized, others are quiet and happy, while others are just glazed and confused. So maybe that is it, some bottoms are just energized by the scene and don’t feel a need for closeness, or touch. I have seen Dommes that come out of scenes the same way, some are energized, others are glazed over into top space, and some just want to eat and talk. So that takes over I guess and their needs are to be social and laugh.

I often find that throughout a scene I go as under as my slave. I have a very heavy top experience, and many times I walk out of a scene slightly glazed over and needing something to eat and drink, as well as to sit down and be quiet.

Usually after a scene my slave is fairly immobile, she has a glaze over her eyes when she can open them, is very thirsty and a little incoherent. She feels very vulnerable and very soft, and it draws from me an intense sense of protection and love. I am fulfilled by the feeling of connection as my slave folds into a pile of goo, and I hold her and whisper sweet things into her ear. I usually have someone watch over her as I get her something to eat and drink and return to cuddle her as she slowly comes out of it. If we are at home I get her a snack, and she usually falls right to a deep, snoring, drooling sleep.

So if anyone is willing to tell me about their experiences of not wanting after care I would love to hear from you to understand this concept a little more!

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque are please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

12 Sexy Gifts for under $30

noreply@blogger.com (Self Serve) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:07:00 +0000

1) Truth or Dare Sticks ...because adults like to play, too!

2) I Dare You: 30 Sealed Seductions by Susie Bright. Beautiful velvet lined box deepens and broadens couple's conversations about desires, fantasies, and delights.

3) Devour me, lick-able oil all over your lover's body...imagine the treat...

4) Massage Oil Candles. Lava lotion burns like a candle, pours warm (not not too hot) massage oil.

5) Erotica—we have the latest 2012 collections for whatever get you hot and bothered.

6) Sex is Fun is a graphic novel stuffed with creative ideas for sexy play.

7) Big O2. Because cockrings and vibrators are brilliant for everyone involved.

8) Tenga Eggs— New masturbation sleeves for the penis. 6 textures to choose from! These have been a hot seller this year.

9) Lube because reducing friction brings people together. Liquid Silk is our most popular water-based lube.

10)P- style, to enable a person to stand and pee, if they weren't born with that kind of equipment. Great practical gift for the traveler on your list.

11) Local 2012 Calendar: Albuquerque Rugby or Queer Erotic Art

12) Head Tingler (aka orgasmatron) is always a crowd pleaser. Looks like an egg beater, feels like infinite bliss.

Plan for a New Year of Love

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:36:00 +0000

Our January 2012 classes are now online!

Check out our events page for a calendar of January sex ed classes for women, men and couples. We'll also be celebrating the 5 year anniversary of Self Serve next month, so mark your calendars. Throughout the month of January Self Serve will be spreading the love - through special store events, sales and surprises to brighten your day (and love life).

Leather Bear Tails: Co-Topping

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:02:00 +0000

Lately I have been changing and growing and really wanting to learn new things. So, for the first time ever I co- topped my slave with another person!! Then for the first time ever I had a double scene with my slave and another couple! The other couple is not Master and slave, they are Sadist and masochist that was quite an experience. It was quite fun coming to the realization that the goals are completely different for a Sadist then they are for a Master! WOW!! It was amazing and invigorating playing off their energy, challenging myself and learning new things the whole time.

In the ten years that my slave and I have been together I have never allowed another Dominant to touch her during play. When we were very first together and I wanted to expand my skill base, I went to another Master and asked to learn new things using my slave as the bottom. It did not take long for the other Master to start treating me like I was a submissive, and wanting to do things to my slave that were more about this other persons desire then my learning. After that it has taken years for me to relax and be open enough to include another person in play. Or trust another person to put their hands on my slave.

There are a few things that are supposed to be done before another person co-tops in a scene. It is like starting from square one, you all sit down, you all negotiate, you all talk about hard limits, toys to be used and not to be used, who is in control of the scene, who is doing what to whom, who can call the scene and so on.

So…

I broke every rule possible. Yep, total disregard for the rules of engagement.

The first time I called in the other person to co-top, I tied up my slave, put a blindfold on her, and laid her down on the bed. Then I thought “Hey I have an idea!” I walked out of the room leaving her alone, and asked the other person if they were interested in co-topping. I was so excited when I got an emphatic yes and we walked back to the room and began the scene.

It was phenomenal!!! I got very lucky that the other person watched me very closely and followed my lead. They went just far enough throughout the play then would stop, and I got to learn by watching their style!

The second time I did the same thing.

I was standing there before play had started and I got to thinking “Hey I have an idea.” I went over to the other person, a Sadist and asked if we could co-top out bottoms together. I was so nervous and intimidated to ask, I was really thinking that they would say no, and so when they accepted I was thrilled! This other person has such a great skill set, and I just wanted to learn and hope that I could keep up without embarrassing myself!

The basis of the scene were decided between the Sadist and me, and never discussed with the bottoms. Again complete disregard for the rules of engagement. But once it was started it was amazing! The Sadist concentrated on their bottom and I concentrated on my slave while they were tied together and the whole thing was a huge ball of awesomeness! I learned so much, and I got great ideas for more play! I was thrilled at the experience!

It was really something.

But, in retrospect I was very lucky.

I had two scenes and both of the tops respected me, my relationship and my boundaries, there was no play for dominance between the other tops and myself, there was no showboating and we followed each other’s leads. It was really something.

A lucky something, because it could have easily gone the other way.

Although as a group we did not negotiate, I have known these people for a while, I have seen them play and I have met with them personally and socially. I knew that the energy that they would bring would be amazing, sexual, and intense. But most of all, I knew that this want going to be about showing off or trying to one up each other at the bottoms expense. It was about a wonderful exchange of ideas and play that left me and my slave flying for days.

If you are interested in play parties, hands on workshops, or power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Sale! Shop Small & Get 20% Off

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 18:49:00 +0000

Thank You.

Thank you for shopping at Self Serve and being part of our community. We are so grateful for being a part of your life. Thanks for trusting us with the tough relationship questions and taking a chance with that new technique, toy or book. As long as you're learning and loving more, we're here for you. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

~ Molly, Matie, Alex & the Self Serve family

Enjoy the weekend more with 20% off all vibrators

Shop for yourself or a friend.
Pre-order the We-Vibe 3 & get 20% off! More are on the way...
Try a new G-Spot Vibe.
Find a Travel-friendly toy.

Shop Small This Weekend

First there was Black Friday, then Cyber Monday. November 27, 2010 was the first ever Small Business Saturday. Shop local this weekend and support your favorite Albuquerque small businesses.

American Express wants to help you make a difference. Get a one-time $25 statement credit when you register an eligible American Express® Card and use that Card for a purchase of $25 or more at a small business on November 26th. Registration is limited.

Don't forget to Like & Recommend us on Facebook!

Leather Bear Tails: Master Monster

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:03:00 +0000

Identifying as a Master is inherently emotionally stunting. It can be very difficult to remain centered and balanced when those people around you and closest to you are telling you what a God you are, and a badass, and jumping to do your every bidding. And why should you strive for growth if you are surrounded by those whose very nature is to make you feel empowered and like every decision made is the unquestionable right one. It is hard not to start flashing your naked cooter to the press, or plan a 10 million dollar wedding when you have a world full of people whose only job is to say yes.

If the Master has a slave that consistently builds their ego, and is forbidden to say no in any way, this can literally create a monster, maybe not intentionally, but it does happen. This can happen when the replacing of insecurities with the feeling of empowerment is not achieved by anything that the Master is actively changing or doing. Instead it is created by the masking of those insecurities in a web of the slave’s responsibilities, as well as maintaining a false sense of intellectual and emotional superiority by limiting the information that the Master will allow to be given to them.

There are many, many, many, (did I say many) resources out there that talk endlessly about the unlimited power of the Master. They go on and on about the ability for the Master to rule and dominate and control. With extended scenes about how the Master takes that power, and molds it. These resources play on the Master’s insecurities and shortcomings while simultaneously giving them an out for any type of behavior because after all they are the Master.

Don’t have a job, don’t need one, it is the slave’s requirement to support the household. Want to put the slave in bondage that cuts off the circulation, sure, the Master doesn’t actually need skill, the slave just needs to tolerate what is being done to them and be grateful for it. Want to have unprotected sex with as many people as possible, it is the slave’s job to deal with the consequences, both emotional and physical, and be happy to do it, quietly, so as not to disturb the Masters sleep. Masters angry, it’s the slave’s job to take the brunt of that, in any situation, because slaves aren’t really people- they are owned objects, like punching bags, or toasters. Oh yea and how about how slaves are just people that need to be forced into the situation, after all, they don’t know their true potential until the Master makes then see it through questionably consensual beatings and sex. But in the end they will be sooo very grateful that you, the Master, showed them their true selves…..

Then at the very bottom, if it exists at all and in much smaller print, there is a very limited section on responsibility and accountability. Because you don’t want to get in the way of the fantasy to much, it will kill the boner.

I don’t mind ( well I do really) all of this out there, what I do mind more then anything is the type of real time people it creates. People that don’t have boundaries are insufferable, they are egomaniacs that we all have had to deal with that are not only dangerous (yes in real time) but also are very socially inappropriate. Having no boundaries creates a sense of entitlement, so basics like not touching others toys, not touching others subs, not intruding into a scene, and being sure not to monopolize the conversation as well as new people do not apply to them.

That is why boundaries are important, to everybody.

Being a Master doesn’t mean that that you are done growing or that you have achieved some pinnacle of enlightenment that allows you to always be right. It also doesn’t mean that your skills can’t be learned or improved upon.

I may not like it when I screw up and my slave calls me on it, but I do know that if she is saying it, I had better listen. For me, being a powerful Master isn’t about limiting what I hear or know, it is about admitting that I have a lot of room to grow, and that sometimes it is really important for me to hear the hard stuff. If I don’t allow this I will never get better, stronger or more skilled.

So I am putting out there a challenge to all Masters:

When was the last time your slave taught you something?

When was the last time you asked them to?

If you are looking for play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Felitfe.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

The We-Vibe 3 Has Arrived!

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:30:00 +0000

The Most Popular Couples Sex Toy in the World

As thousands of women and couples know, there's a very popular vibrator that has completely revolutionized sex and vibrator design over the last few years. What is so amazing about this little purple invention?

The We-Vibe 1, We-Vibe 2 and now, the We-Vibe 3 have been the holy grail of couples' sex toys for many. The We-Vibe has been a best seller at Self Serve since it was invented. It's a compact, little silicone vibrator. It conveniently fits inside vaginally while hugging the clitoris at the same time. The kicker? It can be used during sex. It hugs the woman's body while vaginal sex, digital play or toys can be enjoyed at the same time... hands free! The Canadian couple who invented the We-Vibe is brilliant and rightfully has won awards for this tiny invention.

The We-Vibe 2 was even made stronger than the first model, with more pulsations and power, and they're rechargeable and waterproof to boot. And now they've improved upon the design yet again.

The We-Vibe 3 is even stronger, charges in a discreet case, and is remote-controlled! No more reaching down between you and your partner to change the setting. Now there's a whole opportunity for naughty trust games or daring to wear the vibe under clothing in public. (Beware of overly excited, jumpy friends at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year).

How to Use the We-Vibe 3

The We-Vibe is designed so that a woman can insert the smaller side of the vibe inside vaginally, the other side hugs the clitoris, and she could have sex while keeping the vibrator inside. The male partner can go in and out vaginally while the toy stays in place, and he feels a tighter sensation and vibration with each movement.

Keep in mind, this particular usage is not for everyone. While it can be worn during sex, that usage isn't fool-proof or the perfect fit for all users. If you want to use it with a guy, but he's a bit too well-endowed for you, this toy could make sex painful. If a guy's already big for you, increasing a sense of fullness is not the way to go.

The good news is that it's a perfect solo toy for many women. The little insertable side that hugs the g-spot is just enough for a little internal sensation for some. And squeezing the c-shaped toy together, you can stimulate the g-spot and your clitoris at the same time. The new We-Vibe 3 has 40% more power, too. If you've used the previous models and want to take it up a notch, you won't be disappointed.

Want another off-label use? Try lubricating the We-Vibe 3, cupping the c-shaped vibe in your palm, and adding the vibration to a hand job or blow job. With a gentle squeeze you can increase tightness around your guy, and the lubricated silicone is utterly smooth.

Learn more about the We-Vibe 2...

Learn more about the We-Vibe 3...

Leather Bear Tails: AEL Kinkskills ends its third year

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:09:00 +0000

A few weeks back was the year end wrap up for AEL Kinkskills. It ends our third year. It has been this amazing experience and I feel rather selfish because a lot of times I feel I do this more for my own learning more than anything! I am so grateful for the three host houses and the teachers that donate their time and effort and energy. Without these volunteers the project would not be dead in the water.

We started the year in January with Tantra and BDSM. The teacher and host house really set the mood, the energy crackled with sexual tension! I love doing tantra with my lovely slave as a way to connect and expand our sexual power, but learning how to translate those feelings for use in the scene expanded our experience of the techniques!

The next workshop in March was auto bondage. I know that this is a very sticky subject because of the inherent danger. The teacher actually received some angry emails about teaching the subject. I thought a lot about this, whether to have it taught or not, and what it boiled down to was a few things. One the teacher was someone who I had wanted to teach for a while; he is a talented teacher and connects with people very well. And two it is because of the danger that the subject needs to be bought out into the light. People tie themselves up whether or not it is discussed, so let’s talk about it, and what it takes to do it with safety as the prime concern. The host house was very cozy and intimate, giving a feeling of safety, and when I learned how to tie up my own hands and feet I was flying high for days!

May brought the one on one flogging intensives. We had three teachers, we offered one on one instruction of 20 minutes apiece, and a teacher in the common area to help with peoples questions. The host house was amazing! It was open and provided separate space for people to be able to concentrate and focus! Many people came into the workshop wanting to learn how to do florentine, which is a double handed technique, but did not know how to flog with both hands separately. So the teaching was about running through the basics with both hands, teaching confidence, working with coordination, breaking the patterns that people get stuck in, and having a ton of fun. I was also able to give tips on a bottom moving into a dominate space, and my favorite, slowly and rhythmically flogging with the tops eyes closed so that they can get a different sense of their own body. There was so much laughter, and my slave watched and served me so very well!

July was cock and ball torture. Wow, that was interesting. As a lesbian I don’t have an interest really, but both teachers were extremely knowledgeable. They went over anatomy, and then they talked through and demonstrated from simple and inexpensive to complex things to be able to do. I found myself drawn into the subject, asking questions, and egging on the presenters. I had a blast and the food made for the event was amazing, so when everyone else was in the workshop I got to eat!! In the end everyone walked away with a free clothes pin zipper!!!

In September we did make your own toy. I was so hopeful for the new teacher and he went way beyond my expectations! The toy was his own design, a dragons tongue. He owns a local business making leather goods, and his ability to relate to the students made the class a powerful great time! Everyone walked away with a brand new toy. I really wanted to do this workshop, but I was so exhausted from coming off of work that I just sat to the side and watched and enjoyed people laughing.

In November a few weeks ago was mummification. I was really interested in this, I had only seen it done once and didn’t really know anything about it. When the teacher came in and the supplies were right there, I took my turn wrapping up my slave and LOVED IT! Next payday I have wrap on the list of HAVE TO BUY! It is not only inexpensive, but it is intense and there are so many options with it! It was such a wonderful thing to be able to try it in front of the watchful eye of someone who really knows what they are doing. To be able to ask questions and feel it before we invested in the materials. My mind is whirling with possibilities!

I am so excited for January 2012, I have been planning and plotting, and already have the year ready to go. Just too wet your appetite January kicks off with canes and caning!

If you are interested in power munches, hands on workshop, and play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

Aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fertlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Tampon Danger!

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:49:00 +0000

Seriously, Kotex tampons in NM (and several other states) are being recalled due to a bacterial infection in the products. Parent company Kimberly-Clark states:

The tampons were manufactured with a raw material contaminated with a bacterium, Enterobacter sakazakii, which may cause health risks, including vaginal infections, urinary tract infections (UTIs), pelvic inflammatory disease or infections that can be life-threatening. Women with serious existing illnesses, cancer or immune-compromised conditions, such as HIV, are at increased risk.

This is not a joke. Check any Kotex tampons you own and see the list of recalled boxes online. Please share this recall with all the women you know.

In "honor" of this recall, we put the amazing Diva Cup on sale until November 25th! Read more about the Diva Cup below...

Tampons aren't safe, even when there's no recall

Writer Alicia Preston interviewed Dr. Philip M. Tierno, Jr.: Director of Clinical Microbiology and Diagnostic Immunology at Tisch Hospital, New York University Medical Center. He is an expert on the dangers of tampons. He has appeared on shows such as 20/20 and Oprah.

He explains the risks of pollution, dioxin and other unexamined chemicals most likely in tampons today. It is typically safer for women to use tampons that are 100% organic cotton to avoid most toxins. What really irks me about the recent Kotex tampon recall is that these were specifically marketed as their "natural" line. So much for trying to buy safer products. Dr. Tierno pointed out even if most toxins are no longer used in manufacturing, there has been no independent study of the safety of tampons... ever.

The FDA explains that toxins may be in low amounts in current manufacturing, but a woman's long term exposure over 20 or 30 years of tampon use has never been studied.

What if there were no risk of carcinogens or Toxic Shock Syndrome?!

One way to avoid the risks associated with tampons all together is to make the switch to reusable pads or a menstrual cup. While the comfort with reusable options will vary for every woman, you might find you get over washing a pad or Diva Cup if you don't have to worry about toxins and TSS.

There is a learning curve to inserting and removing menstrual cups, but many women are excited to transition to the Diva Cup. Many women find that after switching to a menstrual cup their cramps are reduced, length of period is reduced and they sure save lots of money when they don't have to buy disposable goods every month. It's also greener and creating less waste!

Read more about menstrual cups and reusable pads at GladRags.com
Learn more in our Diva Cup web tutorial.

Sexual Mission Statement

noreply@blogger.com (Self Serve) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:28:00 +0000

Knowing what you want is the first step to getting what you want, says the first chapter of Jaclyn Friedman’s book, What You Really Really Want. Finally we have a smart girl’s guide to dismantling shame and reversing sex-negativity in our contemporary culture. Feeling good about our bodies, owning our desires, and asking for what we want is a life long project for most women and men. As an avid journaler, I am really excited about this book. Friedman offers personal anecdote, writing prompts for reflection, and a Cosmo style quiz in the introduction to see if this book is for you. I particularly like the writing prompt to write your own Sexual Mission Statement:

Make a sexual mission statement. This should be a paragraph expressing what you believe about sexuality. Be sure to answer the following questions: what do you have the right to, sexually? What are your responsibilities when it comes to sex? What about your partners' rights and responsibilities? What's the most important thing you seek from sexual exploration or expression? What do you never want to seek from sexuality? What does no one have the right to do when it comes to sex? (50)

Post yours in the comments below.

Leather Bear Tails: The vacuum of problems

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Masters may not vacuum, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems

There is a lot of social pressure to be perfect. Not just having the right look, the right degree, or the right job, but also the right partner, the right dynamic, and the right amount of public recognition. These types of pressures occur no matter what the social group. In lesbian circles, there is generally a tendency towards social and economic class-ism with an emphasis on gender expression appropriate partners. If you as a couple don’t fit in that social group there will be no question in your mind that it is time to move on. If you meet one of the requirements but not the other, then you may be accepted, but not all the way, and probably because someone else in the group wants to fuck you. … Ahhh... Social circles.

BDSM and leather are not free from these concepts of perfection. In some ways we tend to put each other under a weird microscope. I think that some of it is the normal social ideas of “where does someone fit in with who is around them” and “where am I in my leather and BDSM journey and were “should” I be”, and I think that some of it is based in the good old fashioned need to feel better about ourselves.

What this does though, is create a strange veil of secrecy, for Masters in particularly.

To be taken seriously as a Master that has control of their slave, a Master may sometimes feel that they can’t really discuss the things that happen in their household. Being open about difficulties that they are having with obedience, compliance, and the training of the slave may make the Master feel like they would be viewed as incompetent or unskilled or maybe not a Master at all.

I am not saying go and talk to that weird looking lady at the bus about your household problems, or talk to anyone who will listen at the local munch that you just met, what I am saying is that problems are something that are universal, and they don’t well in a vacuum.

When I have learned about the problems that other Masters have had in their relationships I find that I relax a little. It helps me to relate to them better, and I feel that the problems that I have had and will continue to have in my leather journey aren’t just mine.

Some of the things that I have learned about other couples that have really helped me have been:

Three high powered couples whose slaves have threatened to and almost walked

One couple who the slave could not be in the house doing housework, even though it is what the Master required

One couple where the Master gave the slave over to another Master to train because everything that they tried had failed

And one couple where the slave was cheating on the Master with another Master, then when caught refused to stop seeing that other Master.

Perhaps it is because problems are the great equalizer that makes them difficult to discuss in real time. The Master and slave dynamic in many ways is viewed as very simple and one sided. Master says, slave does, life goes on. But the reality is that all consensual relationships come with problems, even Master and slave ones.

Imagine what we could learn from each other if we could drop the facade and actually look at the realities that come with complex and there dimensional relationships.

Being in a Master and slave relationship makes my life full and powerful, but that does not mean that we don’t argue, that she doesn’t have her own ideas, and that I don’t have my own problems with obedience and training. It doesn’t meant that I am less of a Master or that she is less of a slave, it does mean however, that as real people we deal with real issues that our titles don’t solve.

Just to put it out there if anyone has the magic recipe for making dusting happen and stay happening, I am all ears….

If you are interested in power munches, play parties, of hand on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Leather Bear Tails: A Masters connection to Power

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:08:00 +0000

Lately I have been on this kick about the Masters personal connection to power. Initially when the words came out of my mouth, it was a huge catharsis for me. All of the sudden I understood myself much more than I ever had in the past. But I also gained a bare bones understanding of Masters that I completely disagree with. I still disagree with them, but instead of shaking my head in complete disgust, or getting defensive because of the underlying push to be more “like them” I can say to myself --- Ohh, that is why they do that. And more importantly, that is why I don’t. Just recently, I began to understand that this concept actually overlaps all things, and I started looking at it from an emotional point of view.

In actuality we see a person’s connection to their own power played out all of the time. If a person wants to be the smartest person in the room instead of just sitting back and listening they will degrade or make fun of others to try to make themselves look better. The person that wants to feel better about their body, so they get with a partner that they can feel superior to, or the person that wants to be more eloquent so they will make fun of their partner to get them to stop talking.

These personal dynamics don’t stop just because we enter into Master and slave relationships.

For some Masters to connect with their sense of power they feel a need to get involved with someone that they feel is lesser then them. For other Masters it doesn’t matter if the slave has skills or abilities that they don’t because the Master connects with their sense of power by destroying the confidence of the slave to do those things. I have seen Masters who correct their slave’s grammar incorrectly. Masters who stop their slaves from talking by calling them outright wrong on even the smallest of things that quite frankly don’t have a right or wrong. Masters who enforce eating and exercise guidelines on slaves to create not only a definitive overall body and mind weakness, but also to reinforce the insecurities that the slaves feel about their own bodies. I have heard of Masters who ridicule and demean the slave’s orgasms, to create a sense of failure over their own sexual responses. Masters whose only communication to their slave is punishment based.

Now.

In my mind I can say, ok, there, take a deep breath and remember that this is about the Masters connection to their personal power. That these things, another deep breath here, are not things that I connect with, or understand, but (breathe, breathe), that make perfect sense to that Master.

Then I pause and say, just because you have a personal connection to power in a certain act and just because you have someone willing to go along with that act does not mean that the Master should do it or that it is healthy to do.

So here is my connection to power. I love having a slave that is a powerful person in her own right. I get a contact high off of her successes, and I get a deep down tingle when I see her lead and watch her grow.

I love owning her because she is a tornado of power, she is worth owning, and doesn’t bend to my will because she has none of her own. She bends to my will because even though she has all of this power, she chooses to. Although she is in many ways smarter than I am, a more balanced leader then I am, and more knowledgeable about sex and body image then I will ever be, she bends herself to me. I am honored to own a woman so strong, so powerful, so intelligent, and such a force of nature. I connect with my sense of power because she connects with hers.

I can’t imagine it any other way.

If you are interested in power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in thee Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Condom Action Movie!

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 18:02:00 +0000

This is a film by Echo Zen recently posted on Feministe. Echo is a feminist filmmaker and women’s health advocate who works to educate communities and families about health, sexuality and respect. His goal is to someday honor his peers by becoming a champion for reproductive justice, through his work as an educator and filmmaker.

This film may seem comedic or extreme- where condom smugglers are attacked for distributing banned goods. But there are those still pushing against basic birth control in the US. Learn more about Initiative 26 in Mississippi.

Initiative 26 is a ballot initiative that Mississippians will vote on November 8th. The initiative would amend the state constitution to establish legal “personhood” at the moment of fertilization. This could mean the end of access to reproductive health care as we know it. The stated goal of those behind Initiative 26 is to challenge Roe v. Wade, but it has many unintended medical and legal consequences.

Initiative 26 could ban birth control.

This initiative could ban access to common forms of birth control like the pill and the IUD. The Mississippi chapter of American College of Obstetrician Gynecologists opposes the initiative.

Initiative 26 could ban in-vitro fertilization.

Leading organizations in the field of in-vitro and other assisted reproductive technologies believe this will essentially ban their work to help families have children of their own. Those organizations include the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART), and RESOLVE, a national infertility group.

Initiative 26 bans abortion without exceptions for rape, incest, or life of the mother.

This extreme measure contains no exceptions, leaving women with medically complex pregnancies without access to life-saving treatment. For women with ectopic or molar pregnancies or unrelated illnesses like cancer, this initiative jeopardizes women’s lives. Victims of rape or incest would be forced to carry the child of their abuser.

Mississippians need more access to health care, not less.

This initiative does nothing to prevent abortions or improve the health of Mississippians. In a state with the highest rates of Chlamydia, gonorrhea, maternal and infant mortality and morbidity rates, we cannot afford to have less health care and family planning in Mississippi.

Made in New Mexico: leather, art, skincare & more

noreply@blogger.com (Molly) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 22:29:00 +0000

Through November 3 get $10 off locally-made leather Quick Cuffs from Moonlight Creations! These leather restraints can be used on wrists, ankles, with furniture - there are so many possibilities. Watch our video for more inspiration.

We at Self Serve love our locally made goodies. You may not have known, but we have products from over 15 local craftspeople and companies. Most of our local goods are only found in the shop, and not necessarily online. Many handmade goodies are one of a kind.

Other local stuff we love:

Skin Care

salves from Sarah Haak
Persephone's Goddess Bod bath salts, lip balm, salve & milk bath with handmade box tops
CW Therapeutics Massage Oils and scrubs

Leather

My 505 toys feature suede floggers, paddles and crops
Moonlight Creations quick cuffs, floggers and paddles
Tony Davis' silver, copper & leather restraints & flower cuffs

Cards & Gifts

Handmade blindfolds from Warning Label Creations
Letterpress cards from FoxDog Studio
Art cards & calendars from Avery Kalapa
Erotic art magnets from Unseen Gallery
Decals & LGBT pride stickers from W2 Design
Handmade Burlesque Pasties from Cookie Fortune
Sassy Stickers from Annie O

Leather Bear Tails: The Seeker and the Sought

noreply@blogger.com (Master Bear) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:57:00 +0000

In all relationships there is a concept called the seeker and the sought. There is one person seeking the attention, affirmation, love, and acceptance of another, and there is another person that is the one that is being sought for those things. Being the seeker on a constant basis is exhausting and if they are not validated in their attempts, or if the emotional energy is not returned to them, they will stop seeking and find other ways to replenish their energy. This may be through an outside hobby like stamp collecting, or it may come in the form of another person entirely. Either way the seekers energy is finite and if continues to not be replenished, it will dissipate and end. Being on the sought end, however, is very invigorating and empowering. Being reminded on a consistent basis that you are a bad ass amazing person and that you are loved, not only gives the ego a healthy stroke, but it also gives a person confidence, and changes how they view themselves and their place in the world. It is very much an emotional high. In healthy relationships the roles of seeker and sought change and switch from person to person periodically. This gives both people the ability to replenish, grow, and become strong.

For example in Master and slave relationships traditionally the slave is the seeker and the Master is the sought. In other words the slave is the seeker of the Masters attention, compliments, and love, while the Master is the one who is sought for those things. But not always. Sometimes, the Master also seeks their slave’s approval, compliments, and acceptance. Masters like being told that they have a lot of skill, that their slaves can’t walk or are tired from sex romps, and that they are the big strong butchie in their slave’s life. I know that I do. It makes me feel good.

Think of it this way, when on the job the employees are the seekers and the boss is the sought. If the seekers please the sought then they get attention, approval, a raise, maybe even a promotion. But it is the sought that chooses when, were, if and how this will happen. Another way of looking at it is through family dynamics. In general children are the seekers and parents are the sought, and in both of these examples, abuse abounds. The boss that will not give back positive affirmation and removes resources but continues to demand more and more from their employees, or the partner that demands respect, obedience, affirmation and love, but will not return those things, are all very common.

In Master and slave relationships just like in work and family dynamics, things can become extremely unbalanced. Being sought in any relationship is an automatic position of great power, and being continuously sought, with the expectation of being sought adds to that feeling of control.

Masters that feel that it is their place to be sought and never to seek will slowly (or not so slowly) suck the slave emotionally and physically dry. In the beginning the slave will be able to keep up with the Masters constant demands for attention and energy. Over time however, if the Master remains emotionally needy and greedy, the slave will not be able to keep up, and so the Master will start doing other things to get their emotional fix. Masters will start fights, publicly verbally humiliate and degrade their slave in a non consensual way, and /or play harder or more extreme then before all to get their own emotional needs met. What this does is create a cycle of the slave going deeper and deeper to be able to supply the Master with the emotional energy. After a fight the slave feels bad, so they will emotionally give more, if the Master goes to publicly humiliating the slave then the slave will either give more to get the Master to stop, or the group will join in and the Master will get their emotional needs fulfilled that way, if the Master plays harder or edgier then before, they will use the emotional rush of that play to fulfill their need.

No matter what the action, it all boils down to the same thing.

The constant need of the Master to get their ego stroked and the emotional needs filled through someone else.

If it continues then over time the slave will become emotionally and physically exhausted. Not because they don’t want the Master to have the energy but because in the constant giving without being replenished, they have nothing left to give to their Master, nothing left for themselves and are in essence operating on a base level. At that point they will either continue to exist in their current circumstance, and normalize it, or they will seek outside the relationship for the replenishment of their energies. If the Master is not able to receive any more emotional energy from their slave they may also start seeking outside of the relationship to get their emotional needs met, and the cycle starts over again.

A lot of times we think of the slave’s ability to give as endless. We also tend to think that if the slave is no longer able to give then they are a failure as a slave, and as a person. But the reality is that some things are finite, and energy is one of them. The constant expecting of someone to give is not only unhealthy for the slave but it also creates an unrealistic expectation from the Master.

For relationships to be healthy and successful everyone in them needs to know that they matter, we all need to feel that we are sometimes the seeker and sometimes the sought.

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers