Semi-Professional Humorist

Idiot Bear

2009-03-08T19:15:00.001-07:00

Today was parte deux of the Seattle Kennel Club's all breed shows at the Qwest Event Center. Of course I went, with—who else—the the fucking Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds.

It was great, duh, and there were sample dogs all over the place whose little heads were available for scratching.

But the King of the Dog Show was this...thing. This idiot son of a retarded stuffed bear:

Video here.

Fluffy diagonal butts are not breed standard, sir.

Tomorrowland

2009-02-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

Why does Bobby Jindal hate high-speed rail so much? You could go from Las Vegas to Disneyland in a metal tube—like hella fast and stuff. Jindal likes to call this "a magnetic levitation line." Imagine! As if this were Tomorrowland or somesuch!

BUT ANYWAY YOU DICKS, it is okay to look into the future occasionally! It's true! Technology is often times helpful and advantageous. And if you hate the future so much, HERE IS YOUR TELEGRAM, SIR. Can I offer you a seat next to the gramophone? YOU DROPPED YOUR EAR TRUMPET, BOBBY JINDAL.

You can't just pick and choose which technology is helpful (internet) and which ones are witchcraft (light bulbs).

Alright, if anyone needs me I'll be snuggling with this robot and killing small vermin with my laser eyeball.

Body Massage

2009-02-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

"Would it be possible for me to send you some information about our extra-curricular programs that provide training to children who are interested in massaging dogs?"

"What?"

"We're a member of the International Association of Animal Massage & Bodywork. The PetMassage for Kids™ program teaches children the basic hands-on skills of canine massage. They learn the basic handling, touching, holding, stroking, and other PetMassage techniques with their stuffed dogs. Confidence in their new abilities grows while important psycho-social skills develop naturally."

"Please send me more information immediately."

The Cragg

2009-02-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

"Look at Tommy Lee Jones's face in this. It's the Aggro Crag. He's Daniel Cragg."

"I know. He's Cragg T. Nelson. He's Larry Cragg."

Cthulhu

2009-02-12T19:46:00.000-08:00

"Looking at her grotesque body is as though my eyes have peered on the great, horrifying Cthulhu and now for the rest of eternity I will be tormented in my dreams until he takes my soul to serve him in his lair."

Your Head is Full of Dreams

2009-02-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

So I have this friend whose brain is The Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds. We have been known to TiVO dog shows and we may or may not have attended a dog show together, for real, in actual life.

I found myself watching a re-run of the 2008 Westminster Dog Show, or whatever. Every year some absurd poodle wins. But poodles were stuffed in their face in 2008, when an actual gremlin came away with Best in Show. All nine people in the audience were shocked and delighted.

"Friend, what is the name of the dog breed whose eyeballs are the same height as its mouth? They are earth's grumpiest mammal? They look like this."

"Oh, you mean a Brussels Griffon?

Savor your victory BG. The poodles will not forget you.

I'm Just Not That Into Listening to Dummies Laugh at Foolish Garbage

2009-02-04T05:26:00.000-08:00

This is a whole new era for rom-coms! This ain't your pappy's When Harry Met Sally! Dispatching sage advice for all the fine ladies out who are going to have their tiny minds exploded. KAPOW Hollywood! Because the point of this movie, you see, is for ladies to recognize douchebaggery and then steer clear of it.

"Oh, hey, it's me! Lead character and least likeable person ever Gigi. Boy, I sure could use a boyfriend! I will obsess with every human male I spy. Literally spy. I will spy on them. What? No, I'm not following you! I'm always shopping at Rochester Big and Tall!"

"Hey Gigi, it's me, Romantic Lead. I know, I'm not particularly attractive so it seems weird that I am rejecting you. But I will teach you how to recognize douchey behavior and tell you whom to date and whom not to date. You will mistake my advice giving for romantic overtures, which for some reason enrages me even though I've basically been touching your butt for the last hour or so."

"Romantic Lead! What I, Gigi, truly crave is attention, so this is great! I shall jump upon you after a party and you shall reject me. Oops! But then I will learn a Very Important Lesson, which is that some dudes are douchebags and I should avoid dating them."

"Great news, Gigi! I, Romantic Lead, have Changed My Ways so now we can date! This scene is the antithesis of the rest of the movie!"

"Hip Hop Hooray for us! Let us be wed!"

Then the old man grizzly Kris Kristofferson pokes his head out of his Kristoffercave and everything is OK for a minute and then we all go back to hating the movie and ourselves.

Extraordinarily Bad Timing

2009-01-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

Four years ago I was contemplating my extreme dislike of John Travolta. The man is a fucking menace to cinema and an assault on the eyeballs. Admit it. Anyway I really felt like I needed to share these feelings with strangers on the internet, so I started an anti-Travolta group on MySpace.

There some to be some renewed "interest" in the group now that a terrible tragedy has befallen Travolta and his family.

From: Audrey

just to let u know i dont even know u but i hate u so much!!!! HOW DARE U DISS MY MAN JOHN TRAVOLTA ARE U LIKE RETARDED OR SOMETHING HE IS THE COOLEST GUY ON EARTH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A GOOD IDOL WHAT THE HELL DID HE EVER DO TO U?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

PS. oh ya and by the way u shouldnt be talking bc ur picture is SO FUGLY i almost threw up like looking at it!!!

good day to u!!!

To answer your question, "ARE U LIKE RETARDED OR SOMETHING," which I can only assume is a question despite the lack of proper punctuation, yes. I am retarded.

I was born with Down Syndrome, which makes it difficult for me to function on a day-to-day basis. The only thing I am truly good at is creating anti-John Travolta groups and forcing other retarded people to join.

Now to answer your next "question": "WHAT THE HELL DID HE EVER DO TO U?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Perhaps if you knew how to read, you would see clearly posted in my manifesto all the ways in which Travolta has offended me personally.

As for my picture being fugly, I should hope you aren't speaking in a derogatory manner about my mongoloid features. What with my Down syndrome, there's really nothing I can do about that, other than hope that my fellow MySpacers have the foresight and compassion not to mention it.

Sincerely,
Meagan

From: Audrey

im sry..i really am its just u hurt me so bad saying what a bad guy he is bc i met him and he quite a very good person and he tries really hard to help alot of people.

~audrey

im so sry for calling u retarded i didnt know. i didnt meen it personally though i ment it in the being stupid for not liking john

Stunning.

Adorable; Kapow

2009-01-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

During the election, a precious fucking child named Damon Weaver became BFFs hardcore with Joe Biden. They "literally" are best friends, for the rest of time.

Then Damon Weaver did something even cuter:

Damon Weaver did this because he wants me to start crying a bunch. You may consider your mission accomplished.

Anyway, wish granted, Damon Weaver! NOW YOU GET TO BE HISTORICAL PALS WITH OBAMA AT THE INAUGURATION, IN YOUR FACE AMERICA.

Alert

2009-01-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

Ugh, what happened? The frostbite infected my brain and I ingested too much cheese foods and my brain wouldn't craft thoughts.

Anyway:

Melissa to me
Subject: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

I REPEAT-there is a denim overcoat alert in the Chicago area. The victim was spotted at the Monroe train stop wearing a light blue denim overcoat-to the knees. Use caution around this area.

Meagan to Melissa
Subject: Re: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

OMG---please tell me it was Britney and Justin circa 1999!!!

Melissa Gill to me
Subject: Re: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

No man, it wasn't an EPIC denim overcoat, it was a "I'm gonna molest all your children wearing nothing but this" kind of coat.

Like this, but longer, and LIGHTER.

The Thrilla on Capitol Hilla

2008-11-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sleep is for the weak.

My Two Primary News Sources Are Running Contrary Headlines

2008-11-29T09:46:00.001-08:00

Now I don't know what to think.

Wha?

2008-11-12T19:21:00.001-08:00

Let me get this straight. You were fat. You were also black. Then you took some sketchy internet drug and now you are marginally less fat and also WHITE? Holy shit do NOT take that sketchy internet drug.

November 11, 1992

2008-11-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

In 1992, after Bill Clinton was elected President of the United States, my fifth grade teacher made the whole class write letters of congratulation to him. Clearly she was a communist.

Anyway, my classmates and I used our best penmanship to express our hopes for the future under President Clinton. Oddly enough, none of us had the foresight to write about maybe not eliminating welfare for the poorest Americans, so you can blame us for that.

Here is my ten year old self being a policy wonk:

Dear President-elect Clinton,

This is what I expect of you as President (just a few reasons):

I would like you to work especially hard on the economy. I live in Seattle, Washington and the loggers are losing jobs. I am NOT saying people are more important than saving endangered species like the spotted owl.

I would also like for you to send more troops out to Florida to help people build their homes.

Now I guess I will tell you about myself before I go on. My name is Meagan and I am ten years old, and my birthday is on June 10.

My parents voted for you. If I could vote I would vote for you, too.

Okay, back to what I expect of you. I want you to help fight crime and to stop the sale and use of illegal drugs.

I really hope you will write back to me. (My address is on the bottom of the page.)

Sincerely,
Meagan

P.S. When is your birthday?

As you can see I have clear policy ideas as outlined in my desire to create jobs for loggers without murdering any owls AND my birthday is on June 10 AND apparently I hate illegal drugs! YOU'RE WELCOME BILL CLINTON.

So awesome, right?

2008-11-04T16:31:00.000-08:00

While it is assumed Palin voted for herself, she did not say whether she voted for Sen. Ted Stevens, who was convicted last week of ethics violations for accepting gifts, and Rep. Don Young, who is under investigation by the FBI.

"I am also exercising my right to privacy and I don't have to tell anybody who I vote for, nobody does, and that's really cool about America also," she said.

I'm gonna miss you, girl.

His Spine Shrank

2008-11-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

I was in a celebratory mood last night so I went and did something I never do. That is to say, I left my house and saw a movie on its opening weekend. Clint Eastwood's Changeling. Here is my review.

First of all ladies, it's important to remember that if you get a full time job in the 1920s, your son will get kidnapped, and probably murdered by a weirdo and that weirdo's cousin. Every lady in the 1920s was a ghost, incidentally.

Also, the corrupt police will most likely trick you into thinking that some other white child is your white child. But he isn't.

An Irish cop will institutionalize you for questioning him and then you will become friends with an institutionalized prostitute. Sometimes she says funny things, but then all of a sudden she is not in the movie anymore.

If you're Clint Eastwood, the last thing you will want to do is allow this movie to end. It's best to keep it going on for hours, if not days.

Oh, sorry single mom. It looks like you will not see that baby, your son, again. That is because he was hella murdered or something in a chicken coop.

Or was he? You are a woman, so you are not very smart. You do not understand most of the things that happen to you.

Then everyone gets fired.

The end.

Psych, the movie is not over yet.

Yes it is!

No it isn't, because this is how we will end it, if we are Clint Eastwood:

"He just gave me something I never had before."
"What's that?"
"Hope."

Professional Alarmists

2008-10-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

The New York Times has endorsed Barack Obama for the next President of the United States. This comes as a surprise to zero people, but the Times did post an archive of all of their Presidential endorsements all the way back to Lincoln.

Speaking of that Lincoln endorsement, it's probably the most hilarious editorial since the ill-advised Wendell Willkie endorsement of 1944! Am I right?? Ladies?

Anyway, it starts off like so:

A Mr. Lincoln, of Illinois, familiarly known as "Old Abe," age 51, height six feet seven, by profession Rail-Splitter, is to be our next President. The thing seems pretty sure...It becomes a matter of some importance, therefore, to see what is likely to happen in consequence of it. On this point doctors differ. Mr. J.W. Gerard, who talks in italics and deals largely in very poor jokes, thinks Mr. Lincoln intends to split the Union. Mr. O'Conor becomes facetious—very much as a retained and well-bred hyena might be—and thinks Lincoln will live on negroes, to save expense of beef, during his Presidential term.

Then it starts rambling on about someone named Professor Lowe and John Cochrane's balloon style of oratory. The rest of the endorsement tries to assure these "professional alarmists" that Lincoln will probably not have the opportunity to "do much mischief" insofar as freeing the slaves in the District of Columbia and prohibiting the inter-state slave trade.

Oops!

Dear Professional Alarmists, My Bad! Sincerely, The New York Times

Farewell

2008-10-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just now, my attention was diverted to a website called So Long, Cowboy. You can write a letter to the stinky turd that is currently occupying the White House or you can take a picture. Two of my favorites are here and here.

Anyway, this is the farewell photo that I submitted:

Goodbye, dickhead.

John McCain Supports the Hurricanes

2008-10-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

I Will Do Whatever Famous Person* Asks of Me

2008-10-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. I thought John McCain hated celebrities?

*Famous Person did end up being Peggy Noonan, who is not famous, but is a person.

Sometimes it's the simplest things that I love the most

2008-09-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

I just found the best fucking thing ever on Etsy:

Salt-n-Pepa shakers. God bless us, every one.

Lipstick on a Pig

2008-09-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Special Guest Blogger: Rudy Giuliani

2008-09-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, did you guys catch my speech at the RNC last week? Man, I sure laid in to Barack Obama. What an elitist that guy is—Harvard and Columbia educated, successful author of two memoirs. Not like me, Rudolph W. Giuliani, America's Mayor and just an average joe. For example, you might not have heard of the small town that I grew up in. It's a little hamlet called Brooklyn. Haven't heard of it? I'm not surprised. It's a little off the beaten path, if you know what I mean!

That Obama, what a snob! He's so metropolitan. I, on the other hand, know what it's like to represent small town American values. For eight years, I was mayor of a small, rural township called New York City. So much of what I love and respect about conservative values comes from my time as mayor of this tiny village. I'm sure the East coast elitists will deride that experience, but my leadership sure meant a lot to the townsfolk of New York City!

Can you believe what Obama said about working class people being bitter and clinging to religion? The pretense! I cherish and value all religions, which is why I spend so much time with devout Christians like Donald Trump. I know how much conservatives value marriage, which is why I have been married three times, once to my own first cousin! It don't get much more down home than that, friends.

Obama is nothing but a celebrity senator. He's all style and no substance. He has no idea how to lead with integrity, unlike Republican Senator Fred Thompson, late Republican Congressman Sonny Bono, Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, my hero: President Ronald Reagan.

McCain/Palin '08!

Whether Large or Small

2008-09-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

From Lindy:

"I was picking up some Chinese food at 50th and the Ave, when a hobo in a red hat started following me. 'Say, girl, you single?' he said. 'Say, girl, you lookin' goooood.' When I ignored him, he followed up with, 'I want to go on a date witchoo. Let me take you out.'"

Hobo. Please. Where are we going to go? Did you get tickets to the garbage fire?

But would it be so bad if the invitation had come from "The Littlest Hobo"?:

I think no.

Special Guest Blogger: Criss Angel

2008-08-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hey America. It's me, Criss Angel. Listen up. I freak minds—for a living. I see your mind hasn't been freaked yet. Well, check this out. That's right, America. I just made an endangered species disappear. Which one? Ever heard of the polar bear? I didn't think so.

Listen, I'm no johnny-come-lately to the mind-freaking game, okay? This isn't child's play, this is real life. Real mind-freaking life.

Oh, what am I doing now? Just walking on water. While hanging on meat hooks.

Is your mind freaked yet? An unfreaked mind is a terrible thing to waste—so freak it.

I'm not like a normal, lame magician you guys. I'm Criss Angel: Mind Freak. You know I'm different from David Copperfield because I wear women's jewelry and eyeliner. And foundation. Oh, I almost forgot to mention my totally awesome, not gay metal band, Angeldust. Get it? My name is Criss Angel. You'll know it's me, because I'll be the one in the Luxor lobby wearing a t-shirt with my own name on it.

I mean, I feel bad for all you losers who haven't had your minds freaked yet. Your lives must be so empty with your regular minds that have yet to be freaked by my illusionary prowess. Watch, watch, watch! I'm going to walk through what you thought was a solid door. Watch! Come over here. Take off my sock. Take it off!

What? That illusion didn't freak your mind? HOW COULD YOUR MIND NOT BE FREAKED YET?

Listen, I don't need you, okay? I've freaked the minds of millions of people, including celebrities. Ever heard of Carrot Top? Yeah, I freaked his mind. Why don't you try Gene Simmons on for size? His mind has been freaked. By me. Criss Angel. Mind Freak.