SENNAFIRENZE

Closing this Site in a Month

2020-08-16T21:54:00.002-04:00

Hi guys.

After some deliberation, I've decided to close this site down. Not immediately - but within the next month. This site will no longer be public.

Also want to clarify that I'm NOT going completely off the radar - I'm taking time to understand myself (marketers would call this rebranding). Basically learning to be myself. Sounds abstract, I know. I'll explain sometime later if I'm called to.

If you'd like to be updated on my next whereabouts, please email sennaphee@gmail.com and I'll make sure to follow up.

I was very touched by the small, meaningful interactions with you through this site - you guys came to me from all over the world, from when I was still in my twenties. I feel like we grew together, the very small band of us.

Til the next adventure!

I Get It Now

2020-08-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

So I've never watched a single Star Wars film.

As a person who was in the media industry, I'm ashamed.

It's just that I felt like it was such an investment of time and emotions. And the series is pretty long now - what is it, six films? All like 3 hours each? Add that to the list of other "classic" movies that I have to see, like Braveheart, the various Avengers films,...it'll take me forever.

But this video piqued my interest: it's a reaction video of the trailer for one of the later movies. And it's got all the feels - I got choked up from just watching them!

This must be quite a movie to bring up this much from a bunch of adults. Did you see their eyes? That childlike wonder that you thought you'd never see again. I applaud the makers of these series for allowing grownups to dream. To imagine themselves in a superhero storyline.

Such a contrast to the Star Wars fans I have around me who just have a bunch of shirts to mark their allegiance. But I realize that it's not just that they're less enthusiastic, it's that when you're in a space with a non-fan, you don't want to scare them. So you 'act natural.'

The Private Lives of My Teachers

2020-07-25T22:01:00.001-04:00

When you're young, you believe that teachers can't exist outside of the classroom. Someone told me that they believed teachers would crawl into their coffins after school because they obviously couldn't have a life outside of your confined reality.

But sometimes I think about the the 'hints' they left for us:

Church teacher when I was nursery/kindergarten age: she came to say hello (and goodbye) to us in her wedding gown, because she was getting married that day

Library teacher from elementary school - we'd witnessed her walking a block away from school. Someone swore she had a cigarette in her hand, which at that age was scandalous. "But she's so nice!" we used to say to each other...

Fourth grade teacher, who I later found out had made a name change because she (gasp) had gotten divorced! She was one of my favorite teachers, fyi.

Junior high school band teacher, who recounted a story of how he realized his wife was having a heart attack and floored it in his car to get her to the ER. "I was honking at every red light until the cars in front of me moved out of my way." (If you're wondering: she lived.)

9th grade Social Studies teacher: many, many classmates would swear he kept a bottle of vodka in his closet. But I think it's because he was Russian that they claimed it was vodka. I'm 90% sure he definitely kept alcohol in his drawer. He was an irritable dude with an accent, which played up the characterization.

10th grade Spanish teacher: Every now and then, she would do yoga poses on her desk. During class. The ones where you're upside down and doing the splits. No one would ask her to do it. She volunteered, and I feel like it went like, "Hey, so I can do a headstand. Yeah. I can do it right now."

12th grade AP BC Calculus class: His son was in my grade, and no matter if he was deep in teaching, he would always open the door and step outside if his son knocked. And when his children got him a "Best Dad" (complete with photos) t-shirt, he wore it proudly and showed it off to us.

In thinking about all the horrific news of abusive, socially inept teachers out there, I consider myself super lucky. Even if some of my teachers were crabby, they were great educators and had to get through the day with a no-nonsense attitude. That 12th grade BC Calc teacher is the reason I got a 5 in the AP exam, and he saved me from having to fulfill a math class requirement in college. I wasn't even in a specialized high school; I really lucked out.

On a facetious note, there are two teachers who I think about from time to time, and wonder what happened to them:

my 6th grade homeroom/general ed teacher: toward the end of the school year, she started dressing in hippie garb. It added to her weirdness because she already had a very noticeable mustache going. She suddenly started wanting to have circle time with us and she would whip out her guitar and sing folksy songs, and introduce us to vegan-ish chocolate apparently made with all natural ingredients, while talking to us about how saving the earth is so important. I seriously think she'd given up on teaching by that point and it was no surprise she wasn't back at school the following year.

the elementary school pastor: she seemed fine and then towards the end of her time with us, for a few months if I'm not mistaken, she started dressing every Sunday in hanbok -

from pixabay

The hanboks weren't fancy like the one here, but you get the point. When I asked her why she was dressing like this every Sunday she said that she was doing her patriotic duty and that hanboks were the most beautiful piece of clothing out there... I was just in elementary school, but I knew something else was up. Her husband seemed really aloof, and her son was never smiling...

Enough Already

2020-07-24T21:32:00.001-04:00

Teachers have had to be all things for everyone.

They hardly reap the benefits of this work. It's no surprise the turnover rate is high.

And now they're being asked to risk their lives? I'm referring to the coronavirus, not the other time when they were asked to do gun shooting drills with their students.

The education system needs an overhaul. Actually, it's a toss up between this and U.S. healthcare. They're both so messed up.

I am with you (Friends of David)

2020-07-19T22:01:00.000-04:00

Jonathan is the most recognized of David's comrades, who left his father to befriend the boy with shepherding roots. But see 2 Samuel 23 to 1 Kings 2, and you can also read about David's Mighty Men. Their exploits are fantastical enough to capture the hearts of war movie fans, and it was all due to their devotion to their king. I am a particular fan of Benaiah of Jehoiada, who was loyal to David's will even when he passed, being the arbiter of justice as he struck down David's enemies.

What makes a person so charismatic that he attracts people like this, who risk their lives for him even after his death? It's not like God specifically gave David a 'relationship anointing', like He gave Solomon wisdom. Nevertheless, we see according to pattern that David was a serial friendmaker. Friends that were really passionate and on the same page about fulfilling his goals.

I can offer a few guesses:

Maybe part of it was because David spoke really well:

1 Samuel 18 says that Jonathan devoted himself to David after he heard his conversation with his father Saul.

Or maybe the answer is found along the lines of The Alchemist: "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

Had King David been alive today, he would be featured in leadership and business books that seek to dissect charismatic leaders. Even during his years in exile, people sought to live in caves with him. More than the man, they must have seen the anointing of purpose he had in his life that is unworldly. And following him meant having purpose in their lives as well.

Despite all this, the most important witness is God's words and what He Himself says about him:

1 Samuel 13:14:

"...The Lord has sought out a man after His own heart,..."

Acts 13:22:

"...he raised up David to be their king, of whom he testified and said, 'I have found David the son of Jesse a man after my own heart, who will do all my will.'"

Despite his very public moral failings, David loved well, and that was the thing that God would remember about him. That's probably why he had the utmost loyalty of friends. His love for God overflowed in his actions and speech that captured the hearts of many.

If I can, at the end of my life, say with confidence that I had friends like King David did, I would consider myself having succeeded in life. It would be the fruit of a heart of love.

I am WITH you (all the time)

2020-07-16T22:26:00.000-04:00

For some reason, the layman Christian keeps an underlying assumption that all battles, though God's will, are fought alone.

Joshua, the new leader, was quaking in his figurative boots at the beginning of his journey.

Isaac also had to be told to "not be afraid" while he was going through some property disputes in a new land (Gen. 26).

And as we engage in our own battles as adults, we hope that our parents prepared us for the worst of times, because they can't hold our hands forever. Unfortunately, some parents, society, laws, and environments haven't done their jobs, and therein remain the anxious, distressed souls with horrible coping mechanisms. But since we're technically adults, we have to pretend like we are.

We still want to be children, and reap all the psychological/practical benefits of being one.

Sometimes we want to stop striving and lash out, get even, and get comfortable not doing anything.

Just in case you're finding yourself in that type of funk, which is all the more likely nowadays because of this international conundrum we find ourselves in...I agree with you that sometimes it's okay to take a breather. Give yourself some space.

Some exhortations during these time-out cave sessions:

don't react in anger or frustration. Just lay low for a bit.
don't stay down for too long, and you know why? Because you have dreams, and God planted them in you.

When you're ready to resurface, commit your plans to the Lord, but this time, remember that He is with you through the journey. Physically, with all your being, you'll feel like you have to do this alone because that's what grownups do, but if you really are doing what you can to please the Lord He will emphasize that He is with you. He doesn't just meet you halfway; he really is with you through the entire journey.

Real-life example - so just today I decided to be more productive with my schedule. I've been WFH (Work From Home) even before the pandemic and though I have built up enough discipline during this time to not procrastinate for my paid gigs, my personal aspirations have been really on the back burner. I would rather clean the house to get rid of the stress from the pressure I put on myself to 'make something of myself.' I'd also cut myself off from a lot of friends and communicating with the outside world, hiding behind the pandemic as a legitimate excuse to halt accountability.

But after a long time of navel-gazing, I knew I needed to move on from overthinking things. So I prayed simple prayers to start the day - "Hey, God, so help me God. Okay God? You know where I'm at and where I wanna be."

So there was one thing that was just gnawing at me for a few days and it was this letter that I was really banking on reaching the address I wrote to. I mean, my tax refund depended on it. If you're also hit by the corona-economy you know how important this is! For the few days I was tracking it, it was being delayed or giving undelivered status updates. I wanted it to not be lost, and moreover, to not be caught in the wrong hands since it contained a lot of personal information.

Anyway, in a stroke of relief for my psyche, I finally received the delivery confirmation today. Coincidence? I think not. Because God knows me so well that I am the type to let things like this ruin my whole day. I'm a born administrator. Over the years of assisting high-pressured lawyers and producers, it was my job to anticipate worst-case scenarios and potential problems. My gift worked too well in that I would remember things about my bosses' to do lists that they weren't even aware of, and my mind ran nonstop with details, that I couldn't clock out after work hours. So believe you me, this was providential!

(So this goes without saying I will always try to turn down any admin-heavy roles, even if it's a foot in the door.)

Today's commitment was not about doing A and B to get to C - I really just wanted to not waste my time staring out the window all day. But God agreed with me that it was a step in the right direction. He never gave me shame about how I'd handled things thus far, but when I said this small yes He opened doors. I can only imagine what'll happen if I take bigger leaps.

Actually I do. I decided to hop on a plane to KC on a whim and it literally changed my life. I went against my very nature to overthink things and boy, did He deliver.

Baby Steps, or Baby Lunges

2020-05-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

I've never had a runner's high. I'm sure if I worked myself to feel it just once there'd be no turning back, since endorphins are supposedly the stuff of addictive magic. I've experienced something close to it though, after some mild workout sessions, which started as a result of unsettling blood test results.

To be specific, in 2013 I took a trip to Korea after my mom passed away. One of the items on my list of things to do there was to get a full body checkup, which is much, much cheaper there. I got the full treatment - blood tests, ultrasounds, endoscopy, pap smear, all in ONE DAY for I think under $900 US dollars. I didn't have any insurance in the States at that time, so I believed this would be the wisest and most responsible thing I could do for my health. Mom had never had insurance until she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had used the excuse that she was too busy to go get any sort of checkup, and assumed she was fine as she hadn't smoked or drank a day in her life, following socially and religiously accepted standards. We honestly thought she was fine too. The one thing she did though, was stress a lot, and it could have been the factor that led to her developing masses in her lungs, which ultimately went to her brain. Cancer is a sneaky devil, as it never signals to you that it's coming. When we found out, it was too late.

Back to the Korean tests - one oversight I exercised was not asking anyone to interpret the results of my blood test, which came back a few days afterward. Sure, the writing was there but I didn't take the time to translate the material. So the papers were left rotting on my desk until I took the test again a few years afterward, and this time, in the States.

I found out I had high cholesterol. Makes sense as I've been a cheese lover all my life. Cycling between paranoia (due to mom's death, I turned into a sort of hypochondriac) and a depressed acceptance of the assumption that things couldn't be helped, my emotions were in limbo for a few years, until I decided to start walking 10-15 minutes a day. And doing five squats (or movements you could call a mild form of strength training) a day.

That habit slowly started building up until I was doing a little more, but I never wanted to build up to a point that I couldn't keep up every day. I wanted it to be a habit I actually knew I couldn't live without, so I never signed up for extra intense lessons of the Cross Fit caliber. My goal was never to lose weight, but to build muscle and some stamina.

One day after some slowly paced squats, crunches, and longer stretches, I sat in my chair to recuperate. And I felt a sensation of sinking in my chair as my body completely let go. My breathing felt really relaxed and I hadn't felt that kind of release in a long time, or ever. I don't think it was some kind of endorphin-euphoria you can get from runner's high, but what do I know. I can't compare it since I've never it. But seriously it was the one thing that kept me going, and I haven't missed a day for months.

Am I flaunting rock-hard abs? No. Am I thinner because of it? No. But my cholesterol is at a tolerable level. By tolerable I mean that I'm still not on healthy standards, but it is lower than it's ever been (the doctor thinks it could be genetic and a consequence of lifelong poor eating habits). It also spawned other healthy habits, like not napping in the middle of the day. This isn't because I suddenly had all this energy from working out in the morning, but because of it I started tackling other bad habits like sleeping at an unreasonable hour in the evening, and eating carb-dense foods for lunch (which used to render me comatose and my body screaming for a nap midday).

It's all about the small tweaks. And maybe those tweaks will get me running someday. And apparently, you don't even need to work that hard to achieve a runner's high anyway, according to this article.

Sometimes The Right Person Sits Next to You and Your Life Changes

2020-05-08T23:04:00.002-04:00

I never dormed because I lived within commuting distance of my university. Being a NYC kid, I grew up commuting to school via public transportation from junior high. I bring this up because I realized much later that not many other kids in the U.S. grew up that way. They actually had their parents drive them, or got the school bus to pick them up and drop them off.

When I moved to Kansas City, I was fully able to experience the 'campus' life for the first time. I was initially there for an internship where it really felt like you were a college student. We had schedules, we lived together, ate together, took classes together, traveled together. It felt like summer camp for adults, which made it even more memorable.

It was a totally different story when I moved back out there a year later, having decided to become a full-time staff at the prayer house. I had to figure out my own living situation, transportation, budget for groceries...like a real adult. Not in the faux-adult way that I'd been living, under my parents' roof after college.

I also had to make new friends. Friends of the midwest variety that were, odds-wise, not going to be Korean-Americans.

I remember going to a room on the first day of orientation. The room started to get filled up but I stayed to myself, not too eager to go out of my way to meet people. Some of the staff that were already familiar with the leaders and colleagues were chumming it up, and I looked around to see if I remembered anyone from my internship days. Maybe one girl caught my eye, but I didn't get up from my seat.

And suddenly, this random girl sat next to me. Well, not girl. Woman. We were both in our twenties at the time. She was there for the first time too, and she started talking to me. Asking me questions. Talking about where she was from, how she ended up there, etc. I was cordial. I don't even know if I asked the same amount of questions back, or if I made myself sound excited, or exhausted. I don't remember anything specific about the conversation we had, but I can assume it was just an exchange of niceties since we were meeting for the first time.

The next time we had another staff meeting, she sat next to me again. And for every meeting after that. Soon we were joined by another girl (fine, woman!) who was the leader of my media team, and it was the three of us every time, together, for the weekly staff meetings. It was to the point that the others would point out that we were a trio. I never had to try so...little/not hard at all to have my own clique.

Soon, we were meeting up at least once a week by ourselves. Definitely on Friday nights at my leader's place, where we would help make pizza from scratch. We would dye each others' hair and that's where I got my signature platinum blonde. Platinum because we never figured out exactly how long to leave the hairdye and so the hair just got lighter and lighter.

When I had to move back to NYC we actually stayed in touch. It was effortless to maintain the friendship that by all other reasons, should have dissolved. We were not of the same ethnic backgrounds, we really only knew each other for a year and a half, and we definitely didn't grow up in the same kinds of towns. One girl had grown up on a farm, homeschooled for most of her childhood. The other had a very rough past, one that I could not in a thousand lifetimes could understand or empathize with.

But they were and are still my girls. We were there for each other when my mom was dying (and subsequently passed), and when their dads died I was there for them. Both of the other girls had some crazy drama with the men in their lives and I prioritized being able to make time to pray and comfort them. Our friendship is already 10+ years strong.

The biggest blessing from all this is that I am able to talk to them from the bottom, the depths, and the dark places of my heart. I am lucky to say I actually have someone to talk to freely about the motives behind my motives. I can confess and really say the real reason why I think or do certain things, when with others I can sugarcoat it just to get past the subject and carry on. That's really a unique thing to have and I know some people don't have that at all.

And all she had to do was pick the random person to sit next to.

Sometimes the best things in life are free and easy. Because of her I have a romantic view of fate or destiny or what have you because of it. She could've sat anywhere else in the room. I should ask if she remembers our first encounter.

Stories from the Motherland - Cycles Can be Stopped

2020-02-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

This testimony's from my oldest aunt on my father's side - I'll tell it in the first person, but imagine a woman who talks a mile a minute, with a sharp wit, talking to someone she's glad is listening.

*

I was a sworn atheist til I was about 48. I just didn't believe in the whole religion thing, and my interactions with Christians had been more or less awkward and distrustful. In high school, I had been invited to youth group by a deaconess from a local church so I could say I gave it a good try, but the whole thing just wasn't for me. In college, I tried out a Catholic church, but the liturgy creeped me out. I thought the whole chanting thing was...demonic, for lack of a better word.

That all changed when I was 48, when they found something potentially cancerous in my husband's body. When I told my mom (your grandmother), she cried and cried, lamenting how I could as her daughter take after her in that aspect of her life. You see, her husband had died of pancreatic cancer when she too was 48, and she thought it was a vicious cycle that had cursed me as well.

What choice did I have then? In desperation, I started attending morning prayer meetings at a full gospel church, and I told God, "If you heal my husband, I will start going to your church." Subsequent tests revealed that whatever was in him was benign, and we were in the clear. I kept my word to God, and my husband also converted as a result.

We had a second scare a few years later. At the time, I had been attending morning prayer every weekday, keeping my promise to God about being faithful, but I started feeling these strange pains in my stomach during prayer time. Right away I thought of my husband, and I pressured him real hard to get himself checked out. He very reluctantly went to his doctor, telling him in a joking way, "I'm only here because my wife keeps complaining about my fart stinking up the room." They found out that he had stomach cancer at the third stage. Can you believe what would have happened if I hadn't been praying, and if I didn't pay attention to God's nudges? He wouldn't be here.

Your uncle was such a good patient. He was even lauded by the hospital staff for doing everything they told him to do, and he was healed and got out scotch free from the disease. He's turning 90 this year, did you know that? He still goes hiking four times a week, and he's the oldest person in his hiking club.

*

Another aunt told me that my oldest aunt spends every morning in prayer at her local church and she goes through praying for all her siblings and their kids, so you can assume she clocks in at least an hour a day doing that. She has five sisters and two brothers, and they all have their own kids (and those kids now have their own!), so you can just imagine her list length. Apparently, she had told her siblings that since her mom had died, it was her duty as the matriarch of the family to pray for her siblings.

It's stories like this that make me so proud to have lived and learned from the house of prayer, ignoring the naysayers that tried to talk me out of it (their argument: "You won't learn practical leadership skills from just praying. It doesn't DO things."). I love that prayer is my inheritance and that it's my legacy, and that in the Korean culture it's the mothers and grandmothers who hold the prayer mantle. It is my firm belief that the Korean church was raised on the shoulders of praying grannies.

Stories from the Motherland

2020-01-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

Or Fatherland. It's mostly dad's family, not mom's, that lives in Korea nowadays.

But I have one uncle in Youngcheon city who's the oldest brother of my mom. I visited him and his wife while I was there.

Before that, why was I in Korea in the first place?

1) To experience Korea in the winter, and not summer - the only season I'd known there (FYI, hot, humid, especially after monsoon season!)

2) To experience Korea during the holiday season - big mistake though. Christmas is a 'couple's holiday', according to locals. Extended families don't really get together, and workers literally just get Christmas day off (not even Xmas Eve!) And the only place you'll feel any of the decorated holiday spirit is by large department stores.

What Korean traditionally do is buy 'Christmas cake', which is just a cake that you bring home to eat with your folks. Christmas cake-buying is akin to turkey/chicken buying on Thanksgiving Day here, so if you don't get one fast, it'll be sold out.

Picture of said Christmas Cake

3) To experience living in Korea like a local. I rented an Airbnb by Hongdae (where all the young college kids are at), and committed to 3 weeks.

Most of it was spent running around trying to meet people on time. Turns out there were a lot more people than I'd assumed to be living or visiting there, so I ended up booking every day before my departure to meet this relative and that friend. I probably had a day or two of downtime during my stay to spend on healing my introverted self.

Back to Youngcheon. Turns out, my cousin from California was also there, and we got to spend the day together while I visited his parents. He gave me the short local tour. Short, because it's a small town.

This is a photo of me taking a photo. I'm standing at the very place my aunt used to take traditional instrument lessons when she was growing up. It now has a sign in front that designates it a cultural/historical landmark, and remains unoccupied, minus the few visitors like us. It was cool to know she was a witness to town history.

See that cross just barely visible in front of the mountains? The building that supports it is supposedly the first church of Youngcheon. My cousin told me my grandfather was a founding member in the 1930s, when he was in his twenties.

Story number 1: Back in those days when there was a revival/conference at the church, some people used to walk hours, sometimes an entire day from neighboring towns and cities to attend. Talk about devotion. After the sessions were over though, those travelers found it difficult to make it back because it was nighttime. My grandfather would open up his home and house as many people as he could, and on one particular revival evening he went into his kitchen and saw Jesus. Yes, you read that right. A vision or what have you of Jesus and he was sitting in the kitchen. I don't know what came of it, but there you go.

An unrelated one below, because it was just so fascinating:

Story number 2: My aunt was in labor with her first child and back in those days (late 70s), men couldn't be in the birthing room with their wives. Even now in Korea, you can find men waiting outside the delivery room while the women go at it alone. Not sure if it's the norm though.

Anyway, my uncle had his mother and his sister (my mom(!)) take a taxi with my aunt to the hospital. His parting words to her were,

"If the child doesn't have a penis, you'd better stick one on on the way back."

Ugh, Korean patriarchal culture! Sons were trophies.

My aunt told me her pain was so bad that when she got to the hospital the staff put her on the bed and she inadvertently cut another woman, also in labor, but not as bad(?). She told me the other woman gave birth on the floor next to her (yes, unsanitary, and yes, unorganized back then). My aunt, recounting this tale to me after all these years, said, "I was on the bed and I had a boy, and she had a girl on the floor." I think she felt a little guilty even after all these years, because this other woman probably felt bad about having a baby on the floor, but if she had a son at least her shame would have been taken away.

The funny takeaway from this was that my mother was with her at the time and after witnessing the 'horror' of childbirth, told my aunt afterwards, "Unnie (older sis), I don't think I could ever have a baby. It's so scary."

My aunt looked at me with a smirk and continued, "Notice she never said to me, 'Unnie, I don't ever want to get married.' I think she was secretly dating your dad at the time."

(Short) Story number 3: More of a testimony.

My cousin (the son that was born in story #2) said as he was the firstborn son of the firstborn son in the family, our grandfather had prayed very earnestly for his future spouse. My cousin ended up marrying a Christian missionary, and guess when they met - on the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. Is that romantic or a bit morbid? But I like it when dates (fates?) collide.

More to come! There are so many more.

Proof of Stay

2019-08-08T03:25:00.001-04:00

I hardly took pictures while traveling this summer. It's strange that it's come to this point - at one point in my past I thought professional photography was the way to go career-wise, but I found myself unable to break that barrier between amateur passions and actually working to get past the hobby phase.

These days, even people who don't see photography as a hobby will do it for the 'gram, but I counted the photos I took during the three days I was in Asbury Park last week - 5. Two photos of the people I traveled with, and three videos of an otherwise wickedly cool, colorful installation (jump below for a video someone else took of it, because my videos suck in comparison).

Maybe it's because I know other people on the trip are going to take oodles of photos to share, and better ones. The main excuse I tell myself is I think some things are better left remembered.

John Blanding/The Boston Globe via Getty Image

See the beautiful old lady? That's me at heart supposedly.

The sad thing is I don't remember all of it.

Tonight someone asked me how Asbury Park was and what I did there. For the life of me I could not recount huge chunks....oh, we went to the boardwalk and then the beach on the first day...and then we ate....where was it? Okay, but the next day we woke up and....what did we do.....? We went to the hotel pool in the afternoon, then the pinball arcade.....and then what?

The treasure of travel for me are the people I'm with, more than the places we went to and the cool stuff we saw. I remember the inside jokes, who slept in which bunk, who got closer with who during the trip, the new things you discover about a person's personality while traveling together,...

I think the exception happens when you go to a place like Iceland. Everything is so beautiful, like you're walking through another planet. At a place like that, you do try your best to capture the moment. Still, the sweet spots of the trip were that I was surrounded by people I enjoyed being myself with. I remember eating dinner at a remote hotel in Vik, and hearing the commotion from the other tourists running outside suddenly. We all dropped our forks, ran outside, and took in the sudden beauty of the aurora borealis in a sky unmarred by skyscrapers. There were some people who had come to do a photography tourism course, so they were on top of a hill with their DSLRs talking about exposure and rates and all these technical terms. It was quite a sight. I still remember the buzzing of the people. After dinner, we drove through the night - I mean, literally drove through the night (c'mon, it's Iceland!) - and witnessed the aurora filling the night sky. It seemed to follow us and also lead us home. Yes, it seemed to do that at the same time.

Even with that kind of backdrop, I found myself in Iceland getting called out by my friends for taking more photos of our Airbnb interiors than the view past the window. I think that's when I realized 1) I have this thing with interiors, and 2) I see the world differently than my peers. On my last trip to Bali, I was sitting at an airport during a layover and remembered that I still had my socks on, and sandals over it, a fashion disaster right on my feet. The first flight had been cold and I hadn't brought any sneakers, so on went the socks and I didn't take it off til we landed in Bali. Anyway, I took a photo of it, much to my friend's dismay.

Beyond that, I probably took twenty(?) more photos over a week-long period. And I'm being generous. I think there's one sunset photo, but all the others have people in them.

By now you get the point. I'm heading to bed. 320am! Where did the time go.

Here's that video of that cool ceiling art I promised.

If You Don't Want to be Wealthy

2019-05-29T01:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight I feel strangely compelled to address a seemingly rare audience -

those who feel like they have what it takes to be successful but are afraid of the collateral damage.

Examples:

you become rich but you have greedy relatives/friends that will use you for their gains;

you are afraid of being called a prosperity gospel adherent (or people tell you instead that God made you rich so you could donate more to charity and barely have a roof over your own head);

you are afraid it will diminish your morals (i.e, lose yourself) and not enter the kingdom of God at the end of your days;

you feel you will be the target of unwanted advances from organizations you don't want to support, of random solicitors who track you down, or worse, stalk you.

Most of these are not irrational fears, and all of these scenarios have happened in disturbing ways. Real-life examples are good warning signs that should be heeded.

But there are some of you out there that have a great business idea, or an amazing, JK Rowling-level novel series in your heads. And you know that once you take the steps it will lead you to unprecedented favor. And for some reason, that scares the Beelzebub out of you.

All I have is this verse, and I urge you to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth that is within it:

The blessing of the Lord makes rich,
and he adds no sorrow with it. (Proverbs 10:22, ESV)

I think the best course is to approach your journey with a destiny perspective (God's vision), rather than....fate. (I had to think before I put the word on there). Oftentimes we shroud the what-could-be in a cloak of astrological fortunes, like whatever happens, happens because the universe randomly reacts to a shift, like your change in status or achievements. Like twisted karma.

Hope I make sense, but it's because I know there's someone out there that's actually agonizing over this.

But if you decide to take the next steps and actually succeed, I hope to congratulate you someday. You know where to find me.

Willfull Omissions

2019-04-22T23:52:00.003-04:00

I'm not a touchy person, but when it comes to my nephew I catch myself patting his back regularly and caressing his hair. I definitely threw out my back a couple of times from holding him, but I want to continue to hold him for as long as I can still carry his weight. He's growing fast so I am mindful about looking at him with the intent of remembering his small size, his literally baby-soft skin, and his quirky mannerisms.

He gets so much love from all the adults in the house, and I'm sure that even outside, doting eyes are all his for the taking, at least when he's with family.

But he won't remember any of this, at least consciously.

It's interesting to me that for most people, the first three years of life are seldom remembered. I can see why God would do so, for protection. A birth of a child and the formative months immediately following are just as traumatic for parents as well as for the child. I don't know if I'd want my nephew to remember gazing at his sleep-deprived parents (mostly mom) for his first few months. Maybe there will be arguments between the first-time parents that are best left unremembered, or even worse, fights and abuse that are in some other households.

But what about all the wonderful moments which seem to be in greater quality and quantity in normal(er) households? I sometimes think that if I could have been able to remember those purely tender moments between my parents and me, it could have helped me during my adolescent years, or even today when I feel bitter about our interactions....when I feel they are/were showing me that everything they do/did is for their gain, not mine.

(Ahem...I know my siblings read this every once in awhile and just FYI guys I'm not bitter. No need to go deeper than warranted!)

Anyway, this has me thinking about my nephew's future, as well as my nieces', and maybe my own children if I will ever have any. One day they will be very angry at their parents for God-knows-what! They'll talk back, they'll rebel (okay, if they're anything like I was), and they will only think of how their parents hurt them. And when the roles are reversed and I can actually see it coming, it makes me so sad. It was never our intention to scar them. If they would only remember that once upon a time, they were the happiest things we ever thought about. They took up our schedules, our photo albums.... They were the ones we rushed home to. And they won't be able to know the purest of those times, from the earliest years.

But I guess deep inside, they will know that they are loved. And that willful omission is I guess a grace from God to allow them to be able to choose to love us back, when they don't have that intense love outlier (statistically speaking) from their first three years.

Old Cards

2019-04-05T00:23:00.000-04:00

I'm going through another round of the KonMari method - I'm up to paper, and I've been finding some very old cards from junior high, high school, college. Lots of birthday cards and letters, back when people were actually diligent about buying cards and stationery for events. By that I'm talking about the pre-thirty-something timeline, when you cared about birthday celebrations and such. Nowadays you make excuses about career-building and families, and 'oh, it's so hard to make time for friends when you're older.'

Skimming through some of these, I read some very nice notes from people that I haven't seen in a long time, or don't care to see anymore. I realize there were real moments of intimacy that were experienced between us then, some deep friendships that I didn't know existed (or pushed out of memory). So when I think about that, it made it easier to let go.

Age 37

2019-03-18T23:11:00.001-04:00

Feels slightly embarrassing to admit that that's my age now. My idea of 30-somethings were a lot older than I actually feel.

Okay let me rephrase that to be more honest - I feel in my heart that I'm not that old, but my body is telling me I am. Nowadays I have a routine in front of the mirror pulling out white hairs, and I dare to label it a hobby because of the sheer regularity of it. The rest of my body is also exhibiting the signs of aging - like, if I don't eat right and exercise on a daily basis, my health actually suffers in measurable ways.

But this is the most baffling - ADULT ACNE?! WHY?!

Moving on. I calculated mom and dad's ages when they came to the States with three kids in tow, to start a new life from the bottom - 35 and 36, respectively. They were babies! I can't imagine.

Tonight I hold dear to my heart Psalm 103, which gives life and hope in the midst of an obscure time in my life. God is good - all the time.

Light

2019-01-08T00:07:00.001-05:00

Sometimes God takes me on word-journeys.

The last significant trend was with the word 'wind'.

This year He's been showing me the 'light'. So yes, I've been reading a lot of verses with the word 'lamp' in it too.

I think the thing I like about this word is that it has to do with warmth. (At the center of every light source is warmth). So this word season is already so much better than 'wind.'

My body is experiencing this learning journey too - at my last check-up, I found that my Vitamin D levels were low. So low, in fact, that I have to take high-dose supplements once a week. Working from home with sunscreen on will do that to ya.

Literally, I need to get out more and see the sun, and get OUT more (put myself out there). Is this a new year's resolution? I think it is. I'm participating in the Counter-Anti-New Year's resolution. Lately it's been cool to say you're not doing any new year's resolutions, but I think that there's no time more monumental than the occasion of a whole new year to set you off on a new challenge.

Que será, será

2018-12-30T00:29:00.000-05:00

2018 Recap

Whatever will be, will be -

Whatever you are, whatever you hide, will be exposed for what it is, who you are.

People really aren't dumb.

With the Me Too movement, its backlash, and in Korea recently, the 빛투 movement (debt collection happening with families of Korean celebrities)

You will be judged. If not righteously in this lifetime, the next.

I'd rather take my hits during this one, if you ask me.

For myself personally,

A lifetime of habits, good and bad, are starting to reap their fruits at my age. Which is why whenever I see younger folk I want to tell them to practice good habits. But I know most of it will fall on deaf ears.

Whenever I scowled or made a nasty face when I was young, my mother would warn, "Your face will freeze like that!"

And it's true - I look at much older people and see how their wrinkles have set. I notice the crows feet by the constant smilers, and the skin droop of the embittered. If anger or resentment isn't so apparent in fresh-faced youths, it is very visible in the sculpture of aged, cranky grannies.

For 2019,

I'm hoping for better health, better relationships, better gigs. To seek the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, and to do the will of the Father who created me and made no mistakes while doing it.

Twas the Night before Thanksgiving

2018-11-21T23:39:00.001-05:00

Tonight the basement flooded so my brother-in-law and I spent the latter part of the evening, about 2 hours scooping up water and vacuuming. I'm starting to feel a bit sore and the joints feel creaky, being that I was in a crouched position majority of the time.

The experience made me reflect on the fact that my dad did this all by himself all these years. The basement floods about twice a year and it had always been a non-issue by the morning because he'd work at it without asking for (too much) help. But this time, he is recovering from surgery so he had to give directions instead.

Thankful for my dad today, and how fitting, the night before Thanksgiving.

Holy Cow it's November

2018-11-01T01:32:00.001-04:00

I thought, okay, yesterday was Halloween, but then I go to look at the calendar and it's November tomorrow? Why did I think there were more days to this month?

Gonna play DJ for the first time in awhile. For this autumnal evening, please enjoy a song from one of my favorite singers below.

"Knees" by IU

모두 잠드는 밤에
혼자 우두커니 앉아
다 지나버린 오늘을
보내지 못하고서 깨어있어

누굴 기다리나
아직 할 일이 남아 있었던가
그것도 아니면 돌아가고 싶은
그리운 자리를 떠올리나

무릎을 베고 누우면
나 아주 어릴 적 그랬던 것처럼
머리칼을 넘겨줘요

그 좋은 손길에
까무룩 잠이 들어도
잠시만 그대로 두어요
깨우지 말아요 아주
깊은 잠을 잘 거예요

조용하던 두 눈을
다시 나에게 내리면
나 그때처럼 말갛게
웃어 보일 수 있을까

나 지친 것 같아
이 정도면 오래 버틴 것 같아
그대 있는 곳에 돌아갈 수 있는
지름길이 있다면 좋겠어

무릎을 베고 누우면
나 아주 어릴 적 그랬던 것처럼
머리칼을 넘겨줘요

그 좋은 손길에
까무룩 잠이 들어도
잠시만 그대로 두어요
깨우지 말아요 아주
깊은 잠을 잘 거예요

스르르르륵 스르르
깊은 잠을 잘 거예요
스르르르륵 스르르
깊은 잠을

But He Will Be Loved - Isn't That Enough?

2018-10-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

I sat down [facing a sleeping] couple. Between the man and the woman a child had hollowed himself out a place and fallen asleep. He turned in his slumber, and in the dim lamplight I saw his face. What an adorable face! A golden fruit had been born of these two peasants..... This is a musician's face, I told myself. This is the child Mozart. This is a life full of beautiful promise. Little princes in legends are not different from this. Protected, sheltered, cultivated, what could not this child become? When by mutation a new rose is born in a garden, all gardeners rejoice. They isolate the rose, tend it, foster it. But there is no gardener for men. This little Mozart will be shaped like the rest by the common stamping machine.... This little Mozart is condemned.
— A Sense of Life: En Route to the U.S.S.R., by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

God the Chiropractor

2018-10-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

Lower back issues is a family affair, so it's fitting that the baton also got handed to me as I reached my mid-thirties.

When I was younger I would occasionally see my dad hunched over because he threw his back out lifting something heavy. Never understood the discomfort until the last few months from living with a very active toddler. It's to the point I feel that insurance should fully cover chiropractic treatment for new moms.

A few days ago I started feeling a shooting pain up the left side of my lower back, along the spine. I stretched the area to the best of my ability and the next day, the pain there was gone, but it had moved to the right side. If I moved my back a certain way the pinch was felt to even my middle back. No amount of stretching helped. My sister told me it could be what she had a few years ago - sciatica - and taught me some exercises she'd learned from her physical therapist.

So for about three whole days I did what I could but the pain remained. Sitting, lying in bed, all of that brought a mild discomfort and I was thinking about going to get professional help. But this morning as I lay in bed looking up at my phone, I sneezed and my lower back cracked. And the pain was completely gone.

This outcome might sound silly but it's amazing to me because I had been struggling with God's sovereignty regarding healing. I think my mom's sickness and eventual death scarred my faith in a God that wants to, loves to heal. Today's experience showed me that God can do miraculous things in just one moment. Sometimes it's a process, but he can completely reverse the damage of days (or years) of debilitating issues in a second.

I'm trying to reconcile this fact with my mom's death, and the recent passing of a young girl I'd known about in Kansas City who'd suffered from an autoimmune disease most of her life. She had briefly received miraculous healing at a healing revival in Florida years ago, and there should be a video archive somewhere that details those experiences from her perspective. I'd forgotten about her while I was back in NY, but just a couple of years ago I saw photos of her and it seemed she was getting worse, not better. And now she's no longer here. She's healed now, but not in the way we wanted her to be.

I believe God always wants to, loves to heal. But I have reservations about simply stating that He does it in His own timing and that it could be in the next life. Because what does that say to the saints on earth who were specifically praying for breakthrough on earth? I'm trying to work out the kinks in a message that should be full of hope. I may need a few more years on that.

How I Treated my Facial Psoriasis (with a little professional help)

2018-10-14T01:27:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd share my experience with psoriasis to be helpful for those that are going through it, or recently discovered it and are having a hard time accepting it.

If you're wondering what psoriasis is, then most likely you don't have it and you are all the more blessed for it. I hope people like you will never have to consult this guide in your lifetime.

Or you might be like, what is this dry, scaly patch? Is it a burn? Maybe my experience can help you find similarities or differences, and get professional help if needed.

Disclaimer:

My experience is being shared to be helpful, to provide an experiential point of view, and not to offer any kind of professional advice. My experience is unique because everyone is different. If you want to be spared from my personal story, skip down to "My Steps to Being Psoriasis-Free" toward the bottom.

With that said,

The Story:

Mid-May of this year, I was toweling off my hair after a shower and noticed a red patch of skin by my right temple, extending straight down toward my ear about an inch and a half, and about a quarter inch wide. It was also scaly/flaky. And because the patch was close to my scalp, the scales would go into my hair and look like dandruff. Is this a blow-dry burn, I asked myself. I rubbed off the flakes with my fingers and moved on with life.

Two weeks later, I was at a Memorial Day picnic and my sister pointed out the patch was still there and I noticed it had grown. And all mental hell broke loose.

my mental state = usually got its shit together until some event disturbs equilibrium, then turns into OCD/frantic mess until resolution occurs.

At home, I googled "red patch with scales like dandruff". 'Psoriasis' was at the top of the list. The pictures looked horrifying, but what was worse were the accompanying facts:

"incurable", and

"cause isn't fully understood".

My mind, and let's call her Susan because sometimes, my mind has a mind of its own, was like,

"Yo, you're gonna have to live with this forever. You won't be able to wear makeup to cover it up - it'll make it worse. You're stuck. Your face is now itchy like they said it was gonna be, right? It must be because you had high cholesterol this year. You're gonna be like your dad - high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes. And you'll be on meds for those conditions for the rest of your life - medicine you can't afford cuz you've barely got a job. "

Susan is really mean, as you can see. And she seems to be able to predict the future.

For those of you that don't (need to) understand how psoriasis feels, imagine you have sunburn and it just won't freakin' heal. It's building scales consistently, and when it's peeled you just feel raw skin underneath, like you really got a burn. Even the most gentle lotions sting on the raw skin. The cycle is unrelenting.

I'm the type to tackle the problem to the best of my ability before asking for help, so for a few months I alternated between washing my face frequently and not, to see if over-washing was the root cause. It just confused my skin more, so ultimately I trudged over to the nearest dermatologist for a diagnosis. By that time, my patch had lengthened to the top of my right temple to the bottom of my ear, and extended out toward my cheek about an inch. There were patches on my earlobes, and behind the ears, small patches forming on my forehead, and along the left hairline as well.

Surprisingly, my derm said it could be psoriasis, or something similar called seborrheic dermatitis since the problem areas were concentrated on my face, close to the scalp. She prescribed two types of drugs, with the recommendation to try the ones for dermatitis first for a few weeks, then the one for psoriasis. The one that works will be 'the winner.'

And she left me with these words, "Your case is very mild."

Welp, heeeeeeere's Susan!

"MILD? MILD?!?! I'm miserable, I don't know what the cause is, I'm trying everything I can, and you have the gall to tell me it's mild and I should be comforted with this? Every time I wash my face or put lotion on, it stings. I can't even scratch my face - it's like I have a mosquito bite that won't ever go away. Do you know what it's like to take off your makeup and realize the 'real you' is this red patch? Mild? Really?"

Like I said about Susan, she really is a monster and loves being a drama queen. Here's how I shut her up:

My Steps to Being Psoriasis-Free: (if you started reading from here, read from step 2 down)

1) When I got home from the doctor's, I googled seborrheic dermatitis and thought that for the two weeks I was left to assume that that was the cause, I should treat my skin as if it had that condition. That condition thrives on oily skin, so I thought I should try to keep the skin as dry as possible.

BIG mistake.

It's easy to assume my skin is oily because of my oily t-zone (I still get zits and I'm way over 30). But I always have to cake on moisturizer on my body after showers, even in the summer, so facts say otherwise. When I was going through the regimen my skin was screaming for some moisture. In fact, my condition got worse - the red got redder, the patches now hurt to touch, grew noticeably in size, and itched like crazy. And Susan was unrelenting - I imagined I had started to grow new patches on my body too and felt itchy everywhere, even though I was washing regularly.

Needless to say, I was depressed. I couldn't wear makeup anymore and refused to go out to places where I had to meet people.

2) Ruling Out:

Though the precise causes of psoriasis are unknown, they say a variety of factors can trigger flare-ups, such as

- diet (unhealthy eating)
- smoking
- drinking
- stress

To give myself the peace of mind that I was doing my part to counter the flares, I worked on the parts I could control. I had had a high cholesterol scare earlier in the year, so I already knew I was eating very unhealthily even though I wasn't obese.

I drastically cut down my consumption of red meats and dairy, increased veggies and fruits, tried intermittent fasting, and started exercising. It really helps that I have a dog that wants a walk everyday, rain or shine, so I get at least 20 minutes of cardio 7 days a week because of her.

I started very slowly on strength training because I wanted to have a lifestyle of working out and not some cross-fit militaristic suicidal mission. Thankfully, that attitude worked in my favor. Now if I don't do some kind of light weights or squats every morning for 5-10 minutes I feel 'off' or more tired the rest of the day. In total, I've shed about 5 pounds and have kept it off.

Stress is the factor that is harder to control because my Susan is very loud (if you don't know who Susan is because you started reading from here, she's my cruel alter ego). Susan has always been off the rails because I'm a thinker and introverted (and therefore, intensely introspective). If you're like me, it's harder to reach out to people. But you need to! Find one person who'll listen and even just vomiting your feelings regarding the present state of things will help. They don't need to have a resolution, they just need to be present and attentive. And if you can't find that around you, get professional therapy.

What also helped was reading forums and listening to YouTube videos of people who formerly and currently dealt with the same issue. It's comforting to know that others are there to lean on to for support and advice, and to know you're not alone. There are dramatic people in those forums too, and it helped me know that I'm not crazy. For introverted me, going through forums without having to actually go out of your way to meet new people was a godsend.

3) Professional help:

The doctor prescribed a topical cream that was a type of cortisol steroid, and that worked magically. Using it for about three days completely cleared the patches, and even though they would come back, I had a sense of normalcy for the few days in-between.

4) Moisturize the living daylights out of your skin:

The thing about prescription medicine is that it's not meant to be your crutch for the rest of your life. I read that my drug, if used too long, can actually thin out your skin permanently and expose it to other debilitating conditions. Therefore, I put on the thinnest possible layers on only the most problematic areas, and did not use it for the full two weeks as the doctor had allowed me to. It was bound to come back anyway, so what I did in the interim was moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.

My go-to weapons were:

- Cerave. Their gunky cream and their daily moisturizer.

I picked this brand because it was hypoallergenic and fragrance-free. Knowing my skin was highly sensitive I wanted to remove anything that could cause irritation.

Any chance I got, if my skin was feeling even remotely itchy I would reach for the cream and put a very generous amount on the problem area. Even if it wasn't, I would use it. At one point I think I was putting on a fresh layer every hour. Later on, coconut oil took over this part of the process.

- Coconut oil.

I think it could be any kind of oil (some YouTubers said they used olive oil or cocoa butter), but I think the purpose here was to just overmoisturize. My brother's family was in town during the summer and his two-year old daughter had a cold sore on her lip. She would only let them put coconut oil on it because any other medicine stung or smelled/tasted horrible, plus it is supposedly anti-inflammatory so the parents liked using it too. It was great for me to discover, because I was on a tight budget and you can get a big jar at the grocery store for not a lot of money.

So for the last few months, I'd wash my face with an oil-based cleanser every evening followed by a very gentle scrubbing to remove any flakes, then heap on the Cerave. And before I went to sleep, coconut oil in liberal amounts.

The challenge with this part of the routine was when the patches spread to my eyelids, close to my eyeballs. For a few days until I figured out how to properly apply the moisturizers, I was getting coconut oil and lotion in my eyes and unable to see clearly for a few minutes. This is why a non-irritating moisturizer is essential.

The end result

I'm in remission. Been that way for at least a few weeks now. Maybe I'm cured, I don't know. But I haven't formed any new patches (since May, I'd get a new spot every month). Yes, this is what you want to hear if you're suffering with it. There is hope!

Another nice thing is that I don't get any crazy acne breakouts anymore. It's funny - you'd think overmoisturizing can make your skin more susceptible to acne, but that wasn't the case. I think it must be because my skin is very dry to begin with and the oils were just what it needed to stop reacting to the dry environment in that way.

One last tip before I go: it's great to do your own research, but don't get sucked in or scared by whatever you read. For one, the photos they show are sometimes the worst-case scenarios - my case wasn't as bad as some of the samples (and I guess my doctor was right - I did have a mild case). Feel out your suspicions with your doctor first before jumping to any conclusions you think are valid.

Ask, Seek, Knock

2018-10-05T00:53:00.002-04:00

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

If you really want something badly, show the world that you do. Show yourself that you do. Feel the burning desire in your heart. Don't shrink back.

On Self-Control

2018-09-28T01:27:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I was glad I didn't eat that extra pizza slice.

Because you know that that last one would've made you feel so full that your back was gonna hurt. One always puts you over the edge. Just one.

And you don't want to fail your blood test again. (High cholesterol last time)

Still guzzling water, to flush out all that salty sodium.

How to Not Procrastinate - fixing an ages-long habit

2018-06-04T01:06:00.001-04:00

It's like dieting. You have to experiment with different kinds and see which fits you best.

This is what worked for me with procrastination.

You sit down and give yourself 20-30 minutes, or at least the amount of time you need to make sure you've made minimal headway into a project (attention and focus-wise). It shouldn't be more than 30 minutes though, for reasons to be given in the next paragraph. When you hit that mark, you walk away, even if you were in the middle of something. And pick up again after a reasonable "break" time.

For me, this method works surprisingly well because I realize in the middle of that short period of time that the task wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my mind. And then because I put an abrupt halt, my will wants to finish up and starts to feel antsy about getting back. This has literally saved my career (I'm a freelancer working on my own schedule).

If you're anything like me in the below respects --

- you're a perfectionist
- you have a hard time dealing with distractions
- your mind likes to play tricks on you and tell you a task is too complicated to figure out in one sitting

-- feel free to give it a try.

Once you start building up the habit you don't need to continue imposing the 30-minute rule on yourself. You'll find a rhythm and a mental shift to keep you going longer.