This moving post called forth a comment out of me that turned out to be long enough for a blog post. So here it is. With love.

I am experiencing actual chest pain reading this post. Sometimes heartache actually physically hurts.

By the grace of God (and I am staggered by this) I have been celibate for 3 years.

After I walked through a swamp of sexual brokenness caused by childhood sexual abuse, as a married woman I made friends with my sexuality. After I had surgery to correct a birth injury, sex was no longer physically painful. Years into our marriage, I finally got it. I realized how powerful and good sex can be. My joy could not be contained. So I started a blog to help other wives enjoy the freedom I had found.

Then my husband had sex with another woman. He was not repentant. It got ugly. In order to prevent my son from growing up internalizing this model as normal, and knowing I had Biblical grounds, I divorced my husband.

That was three years ago.

I cannot tell you the agony I feel. I worked so hard for 17 years to finally walk in sexual wholeness and freedom as a married woman. And to be forced into early retirement. It's a killer. My excellent libido did not disappear when my husband chose to sin. The libido I carefully nurtured with counseling and prayer when I was married did not vanish when the judge declared me divorced. It is not only a longing for physical relief, although there is plenty of that and that is valid. It is a deep longing of the soul to be safe and intimate and loved and connected with a man who loves me and is committed to me. My sexuality is such a precious aspect of who I am and not being able to fully connect on that level and share myself fully is just agony.

I turn down inappropriate sex on average of once a week. I'm talking unsolicited invitations. I am a godly woman in her forties who lives in the suburbs and works in corporate America.

It is so difficult to find godly men to date who will honor my desire to remain celibate till remarriage. The Christian dating world is rampant with promiscuity. A huge majority of the Christian men I have dated fully expect some kind of sexual behavior by date 2.

I felt such outrage toward God that after I worked so hard to learn how to embrace healthy sex, I had to give it up because of someone else's sin. I live with longing and it is not my fault. I know the book Brant mentioned in his blog will resonate with me. I am currently writing the heterosexual version of that book.

My desert experience has forced me to get brutally honest with God and a few safe close friends. I have come to the conclusion that if you're not willing to go to the ugly cry, you will never make it as a celibate.

I cannot tell you how risky it is as a Christian woman to admit that sex is important to you. People are eager to write you off as a slut or a shallow Christian. I am neither. So many people want to write off sexual desire as evil "the lusts of the flesh". But I know from experience that healthy sexual desire for healthy married sex is not lusting to just use someone's body in a dehumanizing way. I don't want sinful sex. I want hot holy married sex. I turn down hookups all the time because my heart craves the real thing-healthy married intimacy. So many Christian singles fall into one of two ditches on the sexual road. One extreme is to try to wall off their sexuality, cut it off, deny it. The other extreme is to just succumb to the culture of promiscuity. It took me 17 years to fully connect my heart and my body. I don't want to risk them splitting apart if I engage in cheap meaningless sex. So I haven't.

I long for the real thing I have experienced before. I know it's real. I know that Biblically I am a young widow who needs to remarry so as to not burn. So at great sacrifice I am searching for a mate by wading through the sea of promiscuity looking for a godly husband. It's not easy. Holiness is very very lonely.

I have a dynamic spiritual life. I have a healthy emotional life with good connection with godly friends. I have hobbies and interests and a ministry I find fulfilling. It's not enough. I am not meant to sleep alone. I am meant to be a wife. My ex-husband's sin did not cancel my vocation to marriage. So I am brutally honest with a few safe friends and I am doing my very best to be faithful in this season. Hardly a day goes by that I don't weep. I am not depressed. Those 20 minutes of appropriate sadness do not ruin the rest of my day. I am simply lonely in my sweet inner self. There is no pretending otherwise.

I want to be a wife again.

As I've shared with you before, dating has been bewildering. And y'all know me, I'm all about finding a coach and being teachable-whatever the subject may be. I'm always ready to learn and grow.

So I came across this dating coach. And I decided to buy their material designed for women who are dating. Being the curious cat that I am, I also subscribed to his newsletter for men.

So the newsletter today had a sexy opening line....

Coach says: Shaving can be a very erotic aspect of the sexual relationship.

I agree.

Coach says: When she allows you to shave her "down there" that can be extremely erotic.

I know this to be true and I smile at the memory.

And I can teach you how to get her to let you shave her, EVEN IF YOU BARELY KNOW HER.

Nausea! Revulsion!

Jesus Lord have mercy. Why did this coach have to take something so loving and sexy and fabulous within marriage and turn it into just a cheap game to score with a woman you barely know? For me, that is the heartbreak. Erotic isn't bad. Erotic is loving and precious and fabulous and good way to affirm and strengthen your bond. Which is why it feels so disrespectful for me to hear such a beautiful vulnerable erotic behavior for a woman treated like she should be talked into giving this to a man she barely knows.

Once the initial wave of nausea wore off, I felt anger. The dating world is difficult enough without men like this coach literally TEACHING MEN HOW to get a woman to have a sexual experience with them. EVEN IF YOU BARELY KNOW HER.

I don't know whether to throw up, cry, or tell Coach Barely-Know-Her how I feel.

I was invited to a renaissance party today and they told me it was more fun if you dress up.
So I went through my closet and selected a peasant dress and one of my corsets. I wore the corset over the dress and it looked "renaissance-ish" and sexy yet still classy. Great! But the corset didn't seem to fit like it always did. I adjusted and re-laced it, but it still didn't feel quite right.

There were several corset shops at the fairgrounds so I went in and talked to one of the sales ladies. I told her my corset didn't seem to fit right and I asked her if I laced it incorrectly. She took a look at me and in about 2 minutes, she told me "Here's your problem, hon. Your corset is too big. When did you buy it?"

A big smile spread across my face.

For nearly the last three years, I've been inside a world like this.

My son's labor was induced. And it took more than a day. So on day two of labor, when my co-workers thought I would be all done with labor and happily cuddling my newborn, the kind HR lady from work called my hospital room. I had fought my way to 3 centimeters and was grim and miserable when the phone rang. I remember hearing my husband answer the phone and say, "I'm sorry, she's in labor at the  moment. Can I take a message?" What a surreal and funny thing to say! He told me who had called and that she had called to get our baby's name and birth weight so she could email all my co-workers and share our happy news. Our baby wasn't there yet. We didn't have a name and gender and birth weight to give her. We didn't have happy news yet. I was still in labor.

There are times I have struggled to find words to say here on this blog. I've done my level best because I love and care about you beloved readers and I felt such pain because I felt I did not have much to offer. Years ago I started this blog because I was bursting at the seams to brag on God and tell you all he had done for me and urge and encourage you to take the next step forward with God toward the healing and wholeness I am convinced he wants to give you...to give all of us. But in the  2 years following my husband's adultery, since I was so busy completely rebuilding my life, I wasn't ready to offer every time people asked. People called. Good people called and emailed me to give me special invitations to speak...radio appearances...live speaking opportunities...and I wasn't ready.

I did say yes to three interviews because they were done over the course of a couple of days and I didn't feel put on the spot. And they were good and beautiful experiences. Thank you Matthew Paul Turner , thank you Pastor Matt and thank you Anonymous Pastor. It was an honor and a joy to talk with you. I did say yes to many of the emails and requests for coaching calls if I felt ready to address their topic of concern. Some, not all of them.

I felt so torn. Torn because these were exactly the kind of opportunities I had prayed for and so desired, because these opportunities would allow me to meet more dear people and share my story with them. I felt like I was letting the inviters down. I felt like I was letting the untouched audience down. I felt like I was letting myself down. I felt like I was letting God down. Such anguish.

At this important Change Point, a dear friend offered me such love and wisdom.

From the day I announced my divorce due to my husband's adultery, Eryn-Faye Frans gave me words of comfort and love and told me she was praying for me. Known as Canada's Passion Coach, Eryn-Faye told me she would be traveling to the States and asked if we could meet when she was in my hometown. Of course I said yes. Over glasses of iced tea, I poured out my story and described my dilemma: thankful for opportunities to offer but being forced to admit to myself that I wasn't ready to offer all I was being asked to offer.

"Well", she told me with such a nonjudgmental calm spirit, "it seems to me that those who get the most growth out of a painful season are the ones who embrace the season, embrace the pain, and be where they are until they aren't there anymore. Giving yourself permission to be there and acknowledging that's currently just where you're at. That's the only way to really grow and learn all you're supposed to learn from the situation."

She gave me permission.

I was in.

Because it made sense. It was congruent to my heart and who I am. See, I never do anything halfway. So that's why I felt such anxiety. Because encouraging other women full steam ahead was not something I could devote such a large part of my energy to at the moment. And the state of doing something halfway bothered me. Greatly.

At this Change Point, I made Building My New Life the thing I did full steam ahead not halfway.

And I learned that sometimes doing halfway was okay. Sometimes doing 25 percent was okay. It's called enduring. I endured.

For all the invitations I said No to, the things I said Yes to were so precious. SO PRECIOUS. Every time a woman shared her story and asked for coaching and I was able to offer the woman I was coaching something from my heart that helped her, that felt like gorgeous treasure to me. I felt so humbled and happy, I felt like I could pay her.

After a few such experiences, I began to understand why my Spiritual Director would sometimes thank me at the end of a session. Why my Counselor would sometimes thank me. Why my Pastor or Coach would sometimes thank me. I actually asked the Pastor, "Why are you thanking me? I come in here and cry all over your office and use up your Kleenex why is that a thankable moment for you?" He looked at me with warm eyes and told me it made him happy to see someone really give God permission, really go for it grow for it. He said seeing that gave him joy.

So, I say to you, each of you dear precious women, and a few husbands too....THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to sow into your life. Seeing you go for it and grow for it gives me so much joy! Thank you for being used by God to teach me that every time we give God permission in our lives then we at some later point will have something precious to offer someone else.

Even now, in this single-again season that I thought would never happen to me. I get it. I understand that my brain and my heart did not disappear because my bed is currently empty. Everything I learned as an awakened sensuous wife is still there in my heart. Plus a lot of other beautiful trans-formative things God did and is doing in this season of suffering. Things I'm only now beginning to understand.

Here's what I've gleaned so far....

be where you are
Surrender is where you say yes to what your life is requesting of you and mean it . Embrace the current season that you are standing knee deep in. (thank you Eryn-Faye Frans for teaching  me this!) Embrace where you are and make giving God permission to teach you grow you and heal you your number 1 priority. Be humble. Be teachable. Do whatever it takes.

receive godly counsel
Surround yourself with safe godly people who love you and whose heart you trust, check in with them on a regular consistent basis and do what they say. Deliberately intentionally put yourself into the care of safe people. If you later find you cannot trust them, or if what they ask you to do seems really wrong to you, then fire them and hire someone else and get busy listening to them. Do not try to negotiate a major life change lone-ranger style. You will go up in flames if you try to do this by yourself.

offer what you can
If you can't offer a gallon, offer a sip. Just offer what you can.
There's a song by Amy Grant called Shine All Your Light that says this very well...
like sand on a mountain
rain on a fountain
shade on a shadow
a breeze in this tornado
do what you can
clap with one hand
shine all your light in the sun

The first time I heard that song, I loved the melody but the lyrics mystified me. That was before I was schooled in the way of suffering. Now I understand that in God's economy, he demands our all. And he is satisfied with our all. Even when our all feels tiny to us. When our all all looks tiny to other people. When the widow gave 2 tenths of a penny in the offering plate, Jesus said it was the biggest offering. Because it was her all. Oh the dignity and glory of that! My tiny offering is not just enough. Not just acceptable. It's precious. Precious! So is yours.

your heart is reason enough
As much as I love and enjoy offering my encouragement strength and hope to you dear readers, I learned a very important lesson in this season of suffering. My heart is reason enough. When going through difficult seasons it can be inspiring and motivating to think once I get through this I'm gonna have so much more to offer someone else and that's true. But sometimes the pain is so great and the loss is so deep you think you're never gonna have something to offer anyone ever. And in those moments, Grace says " Your heart is reason enough. If you never hold the microphone again if you never write a blog post again, this is between you and me. Will you give me permission to do my thing in your heart? Will you let me heal you? Will you let me carry you through? Will you still be my girl even through this time of pain and tremendous heartache? If you never talk about it to anyone ever. Never write about it. Never speak about it. If all you ever gain from this is to live free before me, will you do it?"
Yes yes yes yes yes yes.
Being useful is fabulous. Redemptive. Rewarding.
But we are loved beyond our usefulness. (thank you Leigh Barkalow for teaching me this!)
When looking for a reason to persevere, my own heart is reason enough. I love Shula too much to bail on her.

an undeniable, non-negotiable, bedrock love for the savior will get you through when nothing else will
How much do you love him?
Are you willing to be his no matter what?
When God was doling out blessings in the Old Testament, he said to Abraham  I am your exceeding great reward. When I first read that years ago I thought oh well how ethereal and intangible is that??. Now I understand.
My Jesus-our beautiful proprietary sense of belonging to one another- I am his and he is mine- that is my most precious treasure. And when he has brought you through. When you love him like that, the thought of not being his is unthinkable. "Lord to whom should we go you alone have the words of life."

So what am I doing now?

I'm doing life with people who love me. I live a majority of my life in regular normal everyday life having one-on-one conversations with people that I love. The majority of my time and energy is not in public ministry like speaking or twitter or blogging. I share when I have something to share. In the meantime, I'm busy living. This is really working for me.

I'm writing fiction. The short stories of fictional couples working through a Change Point that sometimes appear in a blog post...I'm writing longer versions of those. Some of them will become novels.

I'm saying yes to more coaching opportunities. And I'm thrilled for the woman I have the privilege to talk with. I celebrate God's goodness when I hear the hope in her voice and see the light bulb go off over her head in a coaching session or hear the joy in her voice when she tells me her couple time with her husband is a lot easier and a lot more fun.

I'm serving my guests at the store and celebrating their victories. It makes me want to fist-bump God when I get an email ten days after an order is received that says: "Oh.My.God. Best.Anniversary.Ever."

Since I am currently celibate (you know I will always view this season as temporary) I'm pursuing every righteous way to thrill my senses that I can think of. Any suggestions?  Some of my favorite ways are sailing so fast it makes me whoop and holler and ballroom dancing with my partner holding me close enough that I have been known to bliss out and miss a step because he feels so good.

I'm writing workshop curriculum. The next time somebody offers me the microphone, I'll be ready.

Would you be willing to pray for me as I write? I'd really appreciate it.
How would you like me to pray for you?
And beloved lurkers, it would mean a LOT for me to hear from you. Now is a good time.

Love you all,
Shula

I'll go first.

Job,
You precious man. I'm so sorry for all you are having to go through. I wish I could tell you with certainty *when* this season of suffering will end. I can tell you with certainty that God *is* good and things *will* get better. When that will happen I don't know. In the meantime, I'm here for you. I will weep with you and bring you dinner. I will tell you about the suffering and trials God has brought me through. You can say whatever you need to say and I promise to listen and not disrespect your pain.
With love from your friend,
Shula

Suggestions?

Does that sound interesting?

Would you like to hear more?

(grin)

Dancing till midnight with good friends and a great dance partner wearing a smokin' hot ballgown...that's just manna for the feminine heart. (squeal of delight)

Oh, P.S.  This would certainly qualify as a Sacred Romance Sighting!!

I'm starting a new series called Sacred Romance Sightings. Those of you who have been reading for a while will notice this is not new to me. It's been a love song in my life for a long time. I'm going to be more deliberate about joyfully watching and expecting for those little golden moments when God romances me. I'm going to be tweeting about them and using the hashtag #sacredromance. So pay attention darlings! Notice at least one sweet thing during the day that God sends across your path for the sole purpose of making you feel loved. K?

I'll go first.

This morning I woke up three minutes before my alarm clock went off. As soon as I woke, a snippet of a song was playing in my mind. "You're amazing just the way you are". I looked for the song online and what a treasure trove I found. I had only heard this song once before a long time ago. Whoa!

I immediately bought the song and downloaded it to my phone. I played it a couple of times, laying there smiling in bed.

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

This song would make any woman happy.

It was special for me because today is the day I came home to my normal fitness routine after a fitness vacation.

I dressed in my running clothes and headed for the jogging trail. The song played on repeat for a mile and a half. I smiled at God the whole time. I grnned and teased CFH saying "I bet you say that to all the girls!" "As a matter of fact I do."

Somehow I didn't mind.

Dear Future Husband,

At 3:30 this morning I went immediately from sleep to awake. God reminded me of your character traits and how dear and cherished you are. I have tears in my eyes thinking of your strong and noble heart and how integrity is the soundtrack of your life. Somehow in my heart I believe you are asleep right now. Not just because it is 3:30 in the morning. I also get the feeling you're not ready to be in love again just yet. I will lay here quietly in the dark and shine my radiance hoping and believing that my shimmer and sparks will show up in your dreams when you are ready to receive me. I love you baby. Take all the time you need, baby. I will wait. You are infinitely worth it. Would I like us to be together tomorrow? Of course. But a devotion like yours cannot be rushed. Which is why I will always love you so much.

(weepy moment)

Meanwhile, while you are sleeping, I'll be busy preparing beautiful things. Literally and figuratively. Singing in the kitchen. Quietly believing the fragrances of coffee and pancakes and bacon and eggs will be the first thing you smell when you awaken to love. And walk blinking and stretching down the stairs, wiping the sleep from your eyes, and straight into my arms.

With loving radiance,
Me

Since the wedding vows "to have and to hold" and "keeping myself only unto you" describe the way we vow to give ourselves sexually to our spouse, perhaps looking at another vow and how that might look in behavior might make it easier to see the concept of claiming our sexual self, owning our sexual self and giving our sexual self to our spouse.

Let's use a financial analogy by looking at another of the wedding vows "with all my worldly goods I thee endow". Let's meet the fictional couple Jim and Sallie and see what we might learn from them.

Jim marries Sallie and they pool all their money in a joint account.
With me so far?
What if Sallie had an inheritance she didn't know about? Sallie would have to claim the inheritance, own it legally, and only then could she deposit those riches into Sallie and Jim's joint account.

I believe God has a rich inheritance of a healthy sexuality for every woman. She has to claim it and own it so she can give it.

If Sallie never went to the lawyers office and claimed her inheritance, would that money ever show up in their joint account?
No.

This business of claiming your inheritance from God is not fluff and it is not easy. It is discipleship and personal growth. Jim cannot claim Sallie's inheritance. Only Sallie can do that.

Wouldn't it be glorious if Sallie claimed her inheritance and deposited it into the joint account so she and Jim can together choose how to spend and enjoy and invest those riches?

Wouldn't it be awful if Sallie allowed fear to keep her from claiming her inheritance? Thereby witholding the riches from Jim and herself. Yeah. That would be awful. That's why I'm called to coach the Sallies of the world. Because so many Sallies and so many Jims are missing out.