Separation/divorce in San Miguel de Allende

ORGANIC DATING

2011-08-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

To me, organic dating means that the date won’t be manufactured by cultural correctness brought to you by local sponsors of “date night”. In organic dating, one doesn't really ask someone else out "on a date", but rather, the date arises organically, framed in a question such as, "are you going to the show later? I'll see you there." The advantage of this is that there are then no expectations. Buying a drink or paying for tacos at the end of the night is a nice gesture but since it is not expected, this act of kindness is organic as opposed to the subscribed norm of a traditional date. There are plenty of advantages to organic dating:

1. Arrival Time. If at the last minute you don't make the rendezvous, you don't have to worry about being a shmuck. You’re in no hurry to get to the agreed upon meeting spot because you know if you arrive an hour late your date won't mind. If one of your friends w benefits calls at the last minute you can take the call—and the opportunity. Organic dating means flexibility. Your organic date may call you later and say they missed you but no one will ever get hurt on an organic date.
2. Walking off the date. If at anytime during the organic date you get board, you can easily split. Walk out of the party or just strike up a conversation with someone else. If you do leave, just make sure all is good for a possible future organic date—send a text and let your date know you had to leave but tell them it was good seeing them. Don't worry about your date, they may be disappointed but should remain cool throughout the date anyway since it was never an official “you and me” situation. Who knows, after a few drinks you might even decide that it’s back on.

3. Entertaining. It's not in any way your responsibility to make sure your organic date is having a good time. I'm not saying don't introduce your date to friends or start up an engaging conversation and by all means have a dance with your date, but the advantage here is that there’s no pressure to show your date a good time. Good times happen organically.

4. Picking up the tab. Who's buying the drinks tonight? Who's paying for pizza? My recommendation is that you invite your date for dinner and a drink. This is a thoughtful gesture that will go a long way, but it's not required and if you’re strapped for cash your date will not be offended if you offer to split the check. No expectations.

5. Hooking up (The million-dollar question). All right if, towards the end the night, the date is going well and both of you feel hot for one another, hooking up is even easier. You can hook up with your organic date without any expectations that the hook-up means you’re dating one another. It's all organic.

I tried doing a little research on my Organic Dating Theory and a few people have told me that I may be the only one who believes the organic date even exists. I'm told what I call “Organic Dating” is really just friends getting together and having some fun. I was a little disappointed by this news since it means that I haven’t really been on any dates—I’ve just been hanging out with friends. Here I thought all of these dates were so successful. As it turns out, in everyone else’s mind I haven't been on a single real date. My reality wasn't matching up with everyone else’s. However, when Google returned my search results for the term "organic dating”, I was vindicated. I found an entire site dedicated to organic dating. Then again, if someone created a how-to dating site about organic dating, how can it indeed be 100% organic? Turns out it's not about MY version about organic dating—it's an eco-dating site. You can find a traditional date with an organic person. Eco Dater's logo says, "Love naturally". But to me, the dating is the only unnatural thing.

*Disclaimer: I’ve concluded through my theory based on research that it's not that organic dating doesn't exist, it's the act of talking about it that makes it contrived, thus leaving us without the option of organic dating. For the sake of saving organic dating, I can no longer speak of all the wonderful organic dates I've been on. I'll remain silent to protect the organic dating social.

Wikipedia has this to say about Modern Dating,"After the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, the"old-fashioned" form of dating waned in popularity. Couples became more likely to "hook up" or "hang out" with large groups than to go on an old-fashioned date, and frequently went from "hanging out" to an exclusive relationship without engaging in what their parents or grandparents might have called dating."

The Purpose of Life.

2011-07-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

If you have ever been through a divorce then you know how you look for some bit of peace on a daily basis and will look in many different areas to find it. My search for peace lead me to meditation. I'm not a religious person, in fact I'm an atheist. I do believe in spirit and connective energy. Whenever someone speaks and uses the word God I think of the universe and the energy that binds everything together. That is my God.

Sunne, who is a person with amazing God energy lead my meditation group and gave me these words. " The only purpose in Life is to expand in Love. Loving people does not mean you have to enjoy their company or respect their values. It means you are willing to keep your heart open to them, show them compassion and except them for who they are." This meant I no longer needed to be around people I didn't like but I could still Love them . People who's values didn't align with mine didn't matter. I just have to open my heart to them. This is a relief and makes sending out the Love much easier. She went on to say, " It means Loving God in all of his or her disguises, because if you withdraw your Love everyone loses."

Being connected to the Love makes life much more joyous for me because people can see it radiating and send the Love back to me. Sunne eneded with this, " When Love for no reason flows out into the world through you, you become a blessing to yourself and everyone else." I like that I don't have to tie love to any particular situation or person. I can Love for no reason, unconditional love.

After this I started seeing all the people who have come into my life--the police, the District Attorney, the prison guards, the lawyers, my ex, my ex's friends--all the people who have been a part of the recent stresses in my life and all I could see was God looking back at me. My mind then started flowing and I was seeing faces of all the people who have touched my life over the last 40 years--my neighbors growing up, kindergarden teachers, family, co-workers, girlfriends, enemies, people from the church, and on and on in no particular order and I was in awe of how beautiful everyone was. How amazing God is.

My heart became so full and I felt this burst of Love for God. I couldn't be angry, I couldn't be sad. Astonished, I couldn't hold the Love inside. It burst out of my heart and I forgot where my body was. I forgot that I was in a room full of other people. I wasn't aware of my surroundings. Love was covering me like a cape. I was expanded in Love.

Gay, married or leaving on Tuesday.

2011-07-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Gay, married or leaving on Tuesday.The single women in San Miguel have had a saying for over 15 years: The men are either gay, married or leaving on Tuesday. San Miguel has more single women than single men. I’ve heard ratios as high as 4 to 1. This may be true in raw numbers but women say that with other factors thrown in, the ratio of relationship worthy men drops dramatically.

For such a small, Mexican town, gay men are abundant in San Miguel. We live in a beautiful, creatively artistic community. It seems that many gay men tend to be more creative than straight men and gravitate to this city. It’s said that San Miguel has a female energy. If that’s true and all these single women were drawn here for it, then in theory it could be true that men who have some female energy are also drawn here for the same reasons.

The “solteros casados” or married men and married women float around looking very single. There are many separated couples or couples in the process of a divorce. It's been said that people come to San Miguel to break up. I doubt that's true. People are breaking up everywhere, all the time and San Miguel isn't unique in that aspect, it's it may be that it’s just easier to stay married than to deal with getting a divorce in Mexico. It’s a well-known fact that many of the “singles” in town are married and that people who are truly single are dating people in San Miguel who are married. The really interesting combo is 2 married singles dating. As the joke goes, it’s okay they’re married....just not to each other. Then there’s the whole open relationship thing. These people are married but have an understanding with their spouses that they can date or ¨play¨ with others.

The “Leaving on Tuesday” group—otherwise known as the turistas—is a popular place for singles to go for some uncomplicated fun. San Miguel gets it share of tourists who are only here for a short while and, because it’s cheaper, usually fly out on a Tuesday. They come down to San Miguel and want to have some fun with the locals. Many are single women who are looking for a tour guide with benefits. This is okay but the problem is you can’t build a relationship with Leaving on Tuesdays.

In San Miguel, it’s even possible to find a single person who is a married gay man and is leaving on Tuesday. All three wrapped up in one.

I think the trick is to maneuver through all of these. If you’re a single man or women and have lived here for a while, chances are you have experienced ALL San Miguel has to offer: Gay, Married and Leaving on Tuesday.

TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOUR LOVER

2011-07-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

There became a point in my process that the focus changed from other people to me.
All of the sudden everything changed from being consumed about taking care of the kids or thinking about the next hookup to focusing on myself. It's like someone yelled out from the crowd,"look there's a man standing over there who needs someone to take care of him." The difference is the same man that asked for help is the one who gave it. Leaning on myself. Supporting myself. Thinking about myself first.

Taking care of myself the way I would want to take care of my partner. Here's a few ways to break it down always remembering what would I do for my lover or what things would I want for my lover.

Diet, food and dining.
Since I've been alone I haven't sat down to eat nearly as often as when with a partner or the kids. A couple of single friends of mine told me something about thier eating habits. They always prepare a nice dinner for themselves. They set the table, cook a good meal for themselves and sit down with a decent wine to enjoy a meal. One would cook a fantastic dinner for someone they really cared about. Do it for the person you care about most.

Exercise and fitness.

It goes without saying the benefits of exercise. Physicall activity improves your mood, relieves the stresses of the seperation or divorce and prevents depression. Exercise promotes better sleep. A good night's sleep can improve your concentration, productivity and mood. And you guessed it — physical activity is sometimes the key to better sleep. Regular physical activity can help you fall asleep faster and deepen your sleep. Keep your body in shape. You want a partner who does that so do it foryourself.

New Music

Music is commonly utilized in medical therapy to promote wellness, manage stress, alleviate pain, express feelings, enhance memory, improve communication, and promote physical rehabilitation. Diging up new tunes and sharing them with friends is how you can keep your mind fresh. Instead of turning on your partner to new music turn yourself on. Music also creates memories and eras in ones life that can help them move on from situations. Listening to the same old tunes can get your head stuck in the same old mental state while new music can promote growth.

Well decorated comfortable home.
Make your house somewhere you deserve to call home. I'm sure you would bring fresh flowers home for your partner so do it for yourself. Plants, art and good lighting are essintial factors in a home. Fresh paint on the walls and some good art will always change your attitude about yourself. Creating a comfortable spa like bath will give you a place to decompress. Just think of the home you would want for your lover and do it for you.

Good clothing.

It doesn't need to be expensive but it needs to have a style. Keep it fresh. Think about the things you would want for your partner. The new clothing or jewlery you would buy as a gift for them now start buying it for yourself. Chances are you would spend more on someone else than on yourself. Start spending it on yourself.

Learning something new.

Take a life drawing class. Learn a new language. Study astology. Constantly be giving yourself new information. New ideas and get addicted to exploring new things. Feed yourself with information and imporve you knowledge and skills. You would want the same for your partner now do it for yourself.

New Friends

Invite new people into your life. Be selective about this process. Surround yourself with people who are creative, positive, supportive and smart. You deserve to have the best friends possible. Don't settle for less than that. Remember you wouldn't want your partner hanging out with losers. Don't let yourself hang out with losers.

Lean on yourself. Have your back. Lift yourself up. Be good company for yourself. Take care of yourself better than anyone else would.

Be your own lover.

Being alone but never lonely.

2011-07-07T06:29:00.000-07:00

Recently I heard someone say,"What type of person would you become if you were alone not seeking a relationship and truly happy with yourself? What things would change? How would you relate to others without a partner? How would you see yourself standing alone in the world? What type of people will be attracted to you? Where would you focus your mind? To be someone who isn't looking for a partner or feeling the need to have one." I've heard from another friend who sums it up like this, "Until you can let go to feeling great about being yourself and identifying yourself without a partner will you be able to be the best partner for someone else." Without this alone love for yourself can you gain maximum love for another.

If there isn't a soft place to land or a partner to help shoulder the burden and you pull threw on your own then you'll be more confident. This will make you better equipped when in a relationship. A fuller sense of self will emerge. A real knowing of who you are without the little touches brought in by a partner. You gain a clearer image of what they want in life. Without the idea of a partnership you can see yourself asking the universe for what you want and be selfish about it. This catalyst will make you the best you are capable of being.

A self assured confident clearly directed person full of self worth and self love.

This sounds pretty good.

I came across a fantastic article written by Bella DePaulo. She wanted to answer the question are single people less happy than people in relationships? Her finding was single people are happy and it's the norm not the exception. Check out her article "Single and Happy".

Is it really that hard to be yourself?

2011-03-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

Does it really take this long? I've had enough revelations. I'm ready to get on living my life as me and to stop taking this daily inventory. Okay I figured some stuff out about me. I figured more than I asked for. So much has been covered in the last 16 months. I opened the closet door and a ton of baggage I'd been storing on the upper shelve came crashing down on me. I went to work right away! I was excited to clean every duffel bag and backpack. I found stuff I stored away since early childhood. I found alter Egos that we're dying to get out and be developed. I played with a few of them and then kicked them to the curb. I realized that all that stuff needed to be addressed and now that I was alone I could peacefully open each piece of luggage and see what needed to be stored away and what needed to end up in the garbage. I started to feel great about being me. I felt good about the journey I had up until now and was ready to change paths. Then so what's the problem? Why can't I get motivated? When can I go out and just start living my life? Why have I become less interested in working and so interested in just being me? Hum I think I just answered my own question. Yea for this last 16 months I've been busy being me. My focus has been on being a father, a boyfriend and me. Things about me I thought I'd tie to my ego and cause damage never really took. Inside the confined of the marriage I had to develop an ego that could identify itself as a person who fit into whatever it was needed to be. It took 16 years to develop my old egotistical self so 16 months learning to live as me isn't really all that long. Sometimes I wish I was a bird. Not so that I can fly but just for the simple reason a bird never ask if he's being his true bird. A bird flies around being always true to it's bird-self never having to ask those introspective questions.

Kind, Happy,Honest & Present

2011-02-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me an email the other day and it really got me thinking about what is it that we get from a relationship/partnership or marriage.

His statement which I formed into a question was, " Does the relationship we're in make us a better person? Are we kinder, happier, more honest, more present?" He went on to say that this is the justification for the hard work. This seems so simple to answer.

Did my relationship for the past 16 years help to make me a kinder person?

I may have been less kind to others. Since I know I wasn't happy or being true to myself this caused stress and I had less energy to spend on kindness. I wasn't kind to my wife. I mostly just wanted to keep the peace. Being kind was not a daily ritual. The marriage can't take credit for any kindness I exuded while in the relationship.

Was I happier? Did the relationship making me grow into happiness? I did learn to be Happy with what I had. I can remember telling myself that although I wasn't happy at least I'm happier than I would be if I didn't have a relationship/family. My happiness never grew but the resentment grew strong.

Honesty. Was I becoming more honest? Since I wasn't allowed to be myself I had to cover up and lie about myself. I didn't have a mistress or fool around but I was becoming less honest with who I was. I couldn't be honest because that meant being myself which was not allowed in the relationship. Now it's clear how distorted I was becoming. I had become less honest.

More present?

Did the relationship help me to be more present? When ever I think of the word present I think of Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now". Eckhart wrote, "Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be" This scared me. I didn't want the life I had as far as my relationship was concerened. Since our relationships define so much of who we are and take tons of time and energy this frightened me. I can remember many times hearing my partner telling me I need to be more present. I'd get on these rolls of thought where I could start to project my life in the future. I was never guilty of living in the past but the relationship helped me to live in the future. It was a way to escape.

So now that I'm in my first post marriage relationship I must ask the question. Am I a better person because of my relationship? Is the relationship helping me to improve myself?

Am I a kinder person? I find the kindness I serve my partner with spills over into other areas of my life. I find myself kinder to my children. More loving, more giving. I also think my friends will agree that I'm kinder. I find myself looking for things to do for my kids, my lover and my friends. Not because I want them to like or accept me but because I do it without expecting anything in return.

Does my relationship make me happier?

Everyday my relationship makes me happier. I feel light, soft, gentle, accepting, forgiving and happier. My needs are satisfied by my partner and since I'm allowed to satisfy her needs it get ratcheted up a notch by both of us. It's a perpetual motion of happiness climbing higher and higher.

Have I become more honest?

I don't lie to my partner. I tell her everything that's in my head. I don't have to lie because I know the love she has for me is pure.

I don't lie to myself anymore. I allow the honesty of ME to just be. This is because I'm in a relationship that's accepting of me being who I am and not who my ego is. Honesty isn't just the opposite of dishonest it's also living true to self.

Am I more present?

Absolutely. sometimes I find myself so much in the moment that I feel lost but with a sense of peace. I don't know where I came from or where I'm going just "being" lost in the present. When I feel everything and am aware of life's God energy pulsing from every living thing around me. When I'm in the present I can feel, see , hear , touch, taste the Orchestra of life! I am in tune with the rhythm of the world. It flows around me and through me. I am present and I am connected with all energy. It's the most incredible experience I've ever had.

All this relationship stuff can be work and sometimes challanging.
It can be hard work but most of the time it comes easy. It's a labor of love. As another dear friend told me she enjoys working on the relationship. Making it better. It's less like a job but more like working on a piece of music, sculpture or laboring in a garden. It's the creative work that inspires us.

Why Fight?

2011-01-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Why is everyone so angry? I've given this a lot of thought and have tried to stand back from the current situation and take a look at what's really going on. It seems everyone I know gets into arguments with their X's on some of the silliest bullshit. How is it we fight more after the separation than before? I remember one time the feelings became so heated that the cops showed up. I made a getaway in my Vocho back to the safety of my lounge and found myself catatonic! I reached a point where I couldn't utter one syllable and my legs couldn't hold me with the ton of bricks I had on my shoulders. I fell to the ground, speechless and weak. What a trip. I was transported into another state of being.
So why didn't these intense "fights" take place inside the marriage? We did have a few but never quite like this. Why the emotions after the break up? Shouldn't we feel free? I was thinking about how the relationship was when we were married and how we fought inside the marriage. I noticed something that I think makes all the difference. We don't have to crawl into bed with each other anymore! This is the change that allows us to stop biting our tongue. No more chains to hold us back. There are no worries about keeping the peace since we go off to our separate homes. We are liberated. We can say what we have been holding back for years! I'm not sure if this also means that to truly be free of the relationship then one must go through this madness of fighting. If you found yourself editing inside the marriage and then continue editing outside the marriage to keep the peace then nothing has really changed. You might still be bound by the chains of the marriage never freeing yourself. Of course once this process is complete you can move on even farther down your road.
Fighting is liberating. Telling the other person off does make one feel free. The key here is to recognize it and move on.

Love compatibility. Maximum Capacity.

2011-01-18T05:38:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation last night with a good friend who is also recently separated. While drinking some Cabernet and cooking risotto we came up with a theory, "Love Compatibility". Love is two parts, the degree of love you can give and the degree of love you’re open to receive. In a relationship it may seem that a partner isn't giving love to the other but in the eyes of the giver maybe they love at their maximum capacity. If a beneficiary of love has a maximum capacity below what the giver is giving to that person then that person may seem to be rejecting the love. In the reality of the receiver they may feel smothered of "bothered". The giver of love may say things like," If you would just let me love you". The giver has so much more to express but most of it just bounces off because the receiver is overloaded with love. Here in lies a problem. The one who has a lower "love capacity" can go through the relationship being completely satisfied. They give all the love they have to give and get full of love from their partner. Of course there are variations on this. I guess the worst love match would be someone who cans receive and needs tons of love but has a super low capacity for giving.
So it stand to reason that if two people have low giving and receiving capacities then they would make a perfect match for each other. If a couple both have high giving and receiving capacities for love then the relationship is "Love Compatible" and might work.

Something in the beer?

2010-12-14T06:31:00.000-08:00

Some say couples come to San Miguel to break up. Others say they were hoping San Miguel was the change they needed to focus on thier marriage. For whatever the reason San Miguel is no different than any other place in the world. People split up. My soon to be X says that matrimony is an ancient concept designed for survival of the species. If this is true than we in San Miguel have evolved. What is it about being married that makes you stick around in an abusive or sad situation and put your happieness in a box. This is insanity. Culture has taught us that divorce is bad. To be successful you must make sacrifices and without sacrifices you will never know commitment. Fuck that! Why would someone sacrifice thier personal well being to be " successful". Isn't real success just as simple as just being happy? For whatever reason one ties the knot or cuts loose from it. It is a trip to make the life transition. As another one of my soon to be X friend says, " You can do or be ANYTHING, the world is open to you now." Good advise but where do you start? How do you see yourself now when not defined by your circumstances and your old partner?