Septimus Reviews

The Monster Under the Bed

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 14:57:00 +0000

When I was 19 I dropped out of college and moved back in with my parents. When people asked why, I told them it was because I didn’t like the University I was attending, I wanted to save money by moving back home, and I wanted to get a job so I could start making my own money. What I didn’t tell them was that I was too depressed to be living alone. That I didn’t leave my room most days and that I was barely functioning.
Why didn't I just tell people that? Because like most people, I'm really uncomfortable talking about any mental health issues, let alone my own. Which is exactly what JoEllen Notte's new book The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having is about. Don’t let the title fool you though. Yes, the book is the intersection of sex and depression, but JoEllen has so many good points to make about depression and general, that I think everyone should read it.

A picture of a black kindle, with the cover page for JoEllen Notte's
book: The Monster Under the Bed displayed

When my father came to help me move home (I was living in the dorms) he was appalled at the living conditions that had become normal to me. Despite being a licensed clinical psychologist with (at that point) almost 30 years of experience, my father said and did all of the wrong things. Instead of helping and making me feel better, he re-enforced the myths about depressed people being lazy and made me feel 120% shittier about the situation.
In chapter six, “Your Team in Action”, JoEllen gives a list of things not to say to a depressed person. A lot of the things that my dad (and let’s be honest, lots of other people too) told me when I moved back home after dropping out of school are on that list. You might think that offering platitudes to a person suffering from depression can’t be that harmful, but JoEllen breaks down how saying certain things, like “you just need to exercise more” can really feed into a depressed person’s feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. She even offers things that you can say/do instead that might actually help.

I was formally diagnosed with AD(H)D when I was about 9, and the diagnoses of depression (or more technically, dysthymia) that followed at some point in either Middle School or High School wasn’t exactly a surprise. My ADD made focusing on school a struggle, and my academic failures (don’t even get me started on being a former “gifted” kid) already had me feeling worthless before depression took a hold of my brain.
I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in therapy, but I can’t really tell you if it helped or not. I was prescribed a variety of different medications, but my ADD makes remembering to take a pill every day really difficult, so I never took anything consistently enough to know if it really made a difference. Overall, my therapists (and yes, there were many of them) focused on “managing” my ADD symptoms while just making sure that I wasn’t suicidal. So I never really had anyone listen to me about my depression, or make me feel like it was something that was important enough to get treatment for (besides being given some basic antidepressants and told that should help).

When I first heard about JoEllen’s book (back in January, I think… which feels like a year ago at least) I knew I wanted to read it. I don’t usually go in for the “self-help” genre of books, but this one felt different. And it was, it is. It’s the only book about depression I’ve read that was written by someone who gets it. JoEllen gets depression in a way that my therapists, parents (both therapists themselves), friends and partner just don’t. Depression is something that can be very alienating. It makes us feel alone and isolated. Having to constantly explain (and justify) your symptoms and experiences to people doesn’t really help with this. Reading this book made me feel less alone. Because it made me feel heard. JoEllen’s experiences aren’t exactly the same as mine, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that for the first time in a long time, I felt like someone else really understood what I was going through. And that can make all the difference when you feel like you’re the only depressed person in the world

This post is getting long and rambly, and feeling a bit less like a proper review. So let’s just jump into who I would recommend this book to:

Obviously, anyone suffering with depression
Again, I can’t emphasize enough that JoEllen’s book just made me feel so validated. Reading certain pages and passages just made me feel like my experiences were real and valid and that my feelings are normal! If you take nothing else away from this book, know this: “You get to be wherever you are”

Partners of depressed people
Like I’ve said before, even if sex isn’t a problem in your particular relationship, there is so much good information in here about how to live with and support depressed partners that I would recommend it to anyone, regardless of what their sex life looks like.

Basically everyone
As JoEllen points out, not enough people are talking about sex and depression, let alone the intersection of sex and depression. You would think that growing up with therapists for parents would make me more comfortable talking about mental health. But nope, I’m just as uncomfortable as everyone else. This is one of the reasons that this book is so important. It can help us all have important conversations about important topics.

I loved this book, and I think that lots of other people (especially anyone reading this blog) will too. So support JoEllen Notte’s work, buy this book and use it to talk to your friends and partner(s) about sex and mental health.

Svakom Amy

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 14:47:00 +0000

So, I think this is going to be an interesting review. Between when I received this vibe to review and now when I'm posting this, there's been a significant price change which colors my view of the toy itself.

But maybe I should back up a bit and start at the beginning. A few months ago I was contacted by Svakom and asked if I'd be interested in reviewing one of their products for y'all. I took a look at their website and was immediately into their toys. I love the sleek lines of their toys and the fact that everything seems to mostly fit into one color palette. I said that I would be happy to review something, and so they sent me the

Amy

A light pink g-spotting vibrator on a crocheted rainbow background

I've reviewed a few g-spotting toys before, but I'm always happy to play with new ones. I've come close to having a g-spot orgasm, but I've never been quite able to get there. Though I do enjoy the sensation of g-spot stimulation while I have an orgasm. And the Svakom Amy provided that for me.

The Amy provides me with some nice, rumbly sensations against my g-spot while I'm getting myself off with another toy (or with my fingers). There are a few different intensity and vibration patterns to play with, and you seem to be able to change them independently, which is nice. What's not so nice is that I could never quite figure out how to do that.

There are three buttons on the Amy, up and down arrows and a middle "S" button that I guess is the company's logo. Pressing the UP button seems to cycle through the intensity settings and then the vibration patterns. But then when you press the DOWN button, it changes the intensity of whatever pattern the toy is on. If you just want to experience lots of different sensations, this set-up probably works fine. If, on the other hand, you're trying to get back to a specific setting... good luck.

It's rechargeable, which is always a plus. I like to think I've moved past the point in my life where I'm robbing the remote control of batteries to put in my sex toys. It comes with a fairly generic white charging cable that I need to label (because I've been spoiled by other companies that make color-coded chargers), and holds an okay amount of charge. There were a few times I went to use it, and it was out of juice even though I'd charged it somewhat recently, so I reached for something else. If it held charge for a bit longer, I'd probably end up using it more.

The Amy vibrator with a book of erotica
and a scented candle to set the mood

My favorite feature is that it's waterproof, and I mean fully submersible. I enjoyed "pampering" myself in the bathtub. And as I type this, I realize how cheesy that sounds as a euphemism for masturbation.

I really liked using the Amy in the bathtub because, for me at least, I felt like I didn't have to try so hard to find the angle that worked best for stimulating my g-spot. Maybe the water helped? Who knows. It was more comfortable than using it on the bed, at least.

This is probably also the feature that's driving the price up, and I'll circle back to this in a bit, but it makes a certain amount of sense. There's a lot of sensitive electronics in there, and it must take some sort of special design to be able to completely dunk a toy with an open charging port. But again, more on this in a bit.

Now, as much fun as I was having with the Amy in the bathtub, it just... wasn't quite strong enough for me. Again, I've never really been able to get off with g-spot stimulation alone, but even when paired with another toy for clitoral stimulation, it took me a while to get off. I don't know if I'm just too used to the insanely strong vibrations of my Hitachi, but I need something a bit more than what the Amy had to offer. Even when just used against my clit, it wasn't enough to make me come.

And when I held it against my clit, I kept accidentally turning it off as well. I get that this is meant to be an internal toy, and the button placement works well enough for that (though it takes an annoying long time to turn the thing off when you're done with it - you have to hold the middle button for several long seconds), it would be nice if the buttons allowed you to use the toy externally as well. A toy that could pull double-duty as g-spot and clitoral simulator would be something I would be willing to pay more for... and I think that brings us full circle back to the price issue.

So, here's the deal. I can't really tell you how much this toy costs, because it's going to largely depend on where and when you buy it.

When I first started writing up my notes on this toy, I checked to see how much Svakom was selling it for. Like I said, it's waterproof and rechargeable, so I know it wasn't going to be super cheap, but the price surprised me. When I looked it up a few weeks ago it was selling on Svakom's website for $109 plus shipping.

I don't want to say that the Amy feels cheap, but it certainly doesn't feel like a toy that costs over $100! I was surprised to see that it was so expensive, and started poking around to see what other similar toys cost.

When I was done with that research and about ready to type up my review Svakom reached out to me to let me know that I can direct my readers to their amazon link to purchase the Amy for a significant discount. And when I say significant discount, I mean it's less than $40 if you have Prime... That's more than 60% off...

I went back to the Svakom website to double-check the price there, and now see that it's listed for $75.

At that point I reached out to Svakom to find out what was going on with the price changes. And this is what I've been able to piece together:

The Amy costs $109 normally. It is currently (for about half a year) on sale on the Svakom website for $75, and on sale on amazon (supposedly for my readers only, but I don't know how Svakom plans to restrict that since it seems to just be the listed Prime price) for $39.95.

The Svakom Amy, looking regal and expensive

All this money talk might be a bit off-putting, but like I said, it kind of colored my opinion of the toy. In my honest opinion, the Amy is not worth $100. If you want to try it out for yourself, grab it on Amazon. $40 is much more reasonable for a toy like this, and I think you'll get your money's worth. It's a nice little rumbly g-spotting vibe and for $40 I would recommend it for anyone who wants to try it.

For $100 I was ready to tell you to skip it and pick up something more affordable.

Thank you to Svakom for sending me the Amy in exchange for my honest review. If you want to pick one up for yourself, I recommend doing so through this (potentially exclusive) Amazon link.

The 60 Bulet

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 09 Feb 2019 17:11:00 +0000

I don’t have many bullets. Or like, any bullets. So when SXOhh reached out to me on instagram to ask if I’d be interested in trying their 60 Bullet, I jumped at the opportunity. Since I first started buying sex toys in college, I’ve wanted a small, discreet, portable vibrator. While I love the vibrators I have now, most of them are neither small, nor particularly discreet (I’m lookin’ at you Hitachi…), so I was extra excited to try this little bullet.

60 Bullet

Here you can see the gorgeous teal color of the bullet against a multi-colored background

Not having any bullets, I didn’t really know what to expect the first time this one. Should I expect big rumbly vibrations? Should I look forward to strong, pinpointed vibrations? Both? Apparently, it was both.

Despite its size, the vibrations are surprisingly powerful. It’s strong, and got me off pretty quickly the first time I used it. Then I turned the settings down to a lower intensity and was able to build up to a second orgasm which was even more intense than the first. That’s a nice feature that I can’t get away with with my Hitachi.

The pointed tip offers some really pinpointed stimulation, which is nice, but there really isn’t any good place to hold the bullet. It’s got a little gripy section near the end, but it’s very.... buzzy. When the bullet is turned on (to any speed and pattern) the whole thing buzzes, which means that after just a few minutes my hand gets really tired of holding it. I understand that it’s a small toy (its portability is one of the things I really like about it), but it would have been nice if there was somewhere to grip it that didn’t send a lot of the vibrations straight up my wrist.

Pressing either arrow button on the bottom of the bullet starts up a sequence of 7 different speeds/intensities and then the 13 different patterns. So you can’t change the intensity on the patterns, which would have been nice. To turn it off, you hold either button for a few seconds. I have to say that I don't love this mechanism. I prefer toys that just turn off when you press the off button, rather than having to wait. And I keep accidentally turning it off when I'm trying to scroll through the patterns and intensity settings, which is not fun when I'm building up to a good orgasm.

Here you can see the two arrow buttons on the base of the bullet,
as well as the magnetic "click to charge" ports

It might be buzzy, but the 60 Bullet is surprisingly quiet considering how powerful its motor is, which is another nice feature if you're looking for a discreet toy. A person in the same room as you will probably hear it (even if you're using it under the covers), but a person in the next room or downstairs will not. That's not something I can say about some of my other toys...

The 60 Bullet is rechargeable and uses a "click to charge" system that I really love, and it holds a charge for a very long time. I've been using this bullet a lot recently and I honestly can't remember the last time I charged it. I should uh, probably go do that...

Over all, I really enjoyed this little bullet. It's a little on the pricey side, but you really get what you pay for, a strong, high-quality bullet that will get you off. It's quiet (but a bit buzzy) and small enough to travel with discreetly. It's soft to touch and rumbly enough to get the job done.

If you'd like your own 60 Bullet to try out, you can pick one up here.

Thank you again to SXOhh for sending me this fun little bullet in exchange for my honest review. And folks, I want to quickly tell you what a freakin' delight this company has been to work with. Some of you may have seen my little insta post where I mentioned that the 60 Bullet was a bit uh… linty, out of the box. What you don’t know is that the company contacted me pretty much right away to let me know that they were passing the information along to their manufacturing team to see what they could do about changing the packaging. You guys, this is awesome. I love when companies are genuinely open to customer feedback, and actually willing to make changes.

Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 16:05:00 +0000

Have you ever seen a toy and wondered if it would hurt or feel amazing? Because that’s what was running through my head when I first saw the Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator. I was intrigued both by the shape and the claims of intense “touch-free orgasms”. I had to have one, and Paloqueth was nice enough to send me one to review for ya’ll. So, without further ado…

The Sonic Sucking Vibrator

First, let’s go over some basic stats and see what this thing looks like, shall we? It’s a sleek little thing, with soft purple silicone covering the part that you hold, and slightly stiff white silicone forming the bit that’s supposed to go around your clit (or nipple, or… whatever). There are two buttons (and I’ll get to them latter) that control the 7 patterns that you can cycle though. And that’s it. It’s a simple little toy without a lot of bells and whistles. It comes with instructions, and you’re encouraged to read through them, but it wasn’t all that hard to figure out what was supposed to go where.

The Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator on its fancy box

I had to try it out almost immediately after I received it. So I went to my bedroom, put on some porn¹ and got down to the serious business of getting myself off. I wasn’t sure if I should just… put the thing on my clit right away, or get myself a bit warmed up first, so I played around with a cordless wand I just got (more on that in another review!) before transitioning to the sonic sucker. And… holy crap. Here’s a direct quote from my wank journal² from that day:

“I feel like it just sucked an orgasm out of my clit. It was really fast, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

The sonic sucker claims to mimic oral sex, and I don’t know how accurate that is, but it certainly does have a suction thing going for it. When you put the little white bit around your clit (or nipple, etc.) it creates sort of a weak seal, which in turn creates suction because of the little piece moving back and forth inside the mouth (for lack of a better word).

Now, there’s no direct contact with your clit (except for the white mouth that sits around your clit), what’s providing the sensation is actually the air moving and vibrating around it.

Paloqueth claims that this lack of direct stimulation lets you have more orgasms in a row, and I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to work. For me it’s usually the intensity of any individual orgasm that determines if I’ll be up for more and the orgasms I’ve had with this little toy are… intense. There might only be a loose seal, but the suction is strong and it got me off very, very quickly. Almost too quickly. I’m glad I warmed myself up with another toy, otherwise that particular session would have been over way too quickly for my liking. I wish there was some way to change the intensity setting. I can kind of manage that by just holding it a little further away from my clit, but then the seal breaks and I’ve got nothing.

The patterns help a bit with the intensity problem. There are 7 patterns to cycle through, and I actually enjoyed most of them. I’m not usually a pattern person; I tend to like steady strong vibrations to get me off, but the patterns here were fun and provided some much needed respite from the very direct suction action.

To cycle through the patterns you press the little emoji button, which, while cute, is a bit confusing. Like I said, this is overall a straight-forward toy. I can figure out what it’s supposed to do without any instruction. What I couldn’t figure out though, was how to turn it on. Earlier on I said we’d get back to the buttons, so let’s tackle them now.

A close-up photo of the buttons. The top one has the standard "power" symbol,
while the bottom one has a "heart-eyes" emoji

There are two buttons, a power button and an emoji button. In order to turn the thing on, you press the power button, which seems straightforward, but the toy doesn’t actually do anything until you push the little emoji button to start cycling through the patterns. I found this very confusing, and spent some time thinking that mine was broken because I couldn’t get anything to work. This isn’t great design. After using it a few times I finally noticed that the buttons light up when you press the power button, indicating that the toy is in fact working. But still, if you’re visually impaired or just using this under the covers where you can’t see it, it’s hard to know that it’s even on.

Over all, I liked this toy and I’ll continue using it. It’s waterproof, and I have yet to try it in the shower, which seems like a shame. I’ll have to get on that! And I want to let my partner play with it and see if he enjoys using it on me. I think he will.

My feedback for Paloqueth is that this toy would greatly benefit from some way to control the intensity. I have fun playing around with it, but it’s just too intense for me. I almost feel like I’m being forced to come. Which, admittedly, is sometimes fun. It could also use a button upgrade. Again, I don’t like that I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on without looking at the instructions. And if a user has a visual impairment, this is going to be a very frustrating toy to use.

Thank you again to Paloqueth for sending me this toy so that I could give you guys my honest review of it! If you want to pick one up for yourselves, you can do so here! And if you want to check out their other products, you can do that here.

1 CrashPad episode 264 for those of you who are interested

2 Does anyone else have one of these? I’d love to hear about it!

LoveHoney PowerPlay 7 Function Vibrator

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Wed, 19 Dec 2018 16:38:00 +0000

A little while ago LoveHoney reached out to me and asked if I’d be interested in reviewing one of their G-Spot vibrators, and since I’m a firm believer that one can never have too many vibrators, of course I said yes!

They kindly sent me the “Power Play 7 Function G-Spot Vibrator” and I didn’t waste any time testing it out.

Look at those curves!

After only a few sessions, I quickly accumulated a list of what I liked and what I didn’t. Overall, there’s a lot to like about this little vibrator, and for the price, it’s a pretty good choice.

So what did I like about it? I’m glad you asked!

First of all, it’s a G-spot vibrator that actually has a nice curve to it! And it does hit my G-spot pretty well. You’d think that this would be obvious, but not all my g-spot toys bend enough to actually hit the spot they’re aiming for. I know some of this is just natural variation in people’s bodies, but I’m happy I found one that fits me well.

Like the name suggests, it has 7 different patterns and speeds. I tend to prefer just solid, hard, vibrations, but sometimes it’s fun to change things up, and I know that lots of other folks like variation.

The vibrations weren’t enough to get me off on their own (I like many people with my same equipment, need clitoral stimulation to get off), but they felt great in combination with my Hitachi. And since the vibrator has that great curve, it stayed in place so I could hold my wand against my clit.

The silicone coating over the plastic body has a nice soft (if you know what I mean) feel to it. It’s a lot of fun to touch, and it feels nice and smooth when it’s inside me.

LoveHoney’s site claims that the toy is waterproof, but since it has batteries, I was hesitant to try that feature out. It was nice not to worry about splashing it during clean up though. And I got a great shot of the vibration pattern in my sink!

Buzz!

And finally, like I said before, this is a fairly cheap vibrator, which is great if you’re on a budget.

Now, what didn’t I like about it? Well…

Like I said before, it wasn’t strong enough to get me off on its own. I need clitoral stimulation, but even when I pulled it out and put the tip against my clit, I could tell it wasn’t going to get the job done. If (like me) you crave stronger vibrations, you might be a bit disappointed here.

And it runs on batteries, which I never seem to have. Looking around for batteries to test the toy out with, I had flashbacks to my college days when I would rob the TV remote and my game controllers to feed my vibrators. I wish it was rechargeable, but for the price it makes sense that it’s not.

Overall, this is a great little beginner vibrator. It’s slim and comfortable with lots of vibration settings so that you can figure out what you like and what you want. It’s easy to clean and small enough to store discreetly, unlike some other toys I could mention (I’m looking at you Hitachi), and the price is right. This would be a great toy for those just starting to get into sex toys, or college students living on a budget.

If you want one of your own to try out, you can pick one up from LoveHoney here.

Thank you again to LoveHoney for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest opinion. Thanks LoveHoney!

AphoJoy Cockring

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 00:37:00 +0000

When I was contacted about reviewing a vibrating cock-ring 2 days after I’d decided to start blogging again, it seemed like some sort of cosmic sign. A big thunder-clap and lighting spelling out the message: “Yes, this is what you’re supposed to be doing”.

Okay, well maybe it wasn’t that dramatic, but when Lily Yu asked if I’d be interested in reviewing some toys for her company AphoJoy, I was really excited for the opportunity to start blogging and reviewing again! Before I go any further in this review, I just wanted to take a moment to thank Lily for giving me the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get my blog up and re-running. Thanks Lily.

The Joy-Ring by AphoJoy

I was particularly excited to review a cock-ring because, I’d never tried one before. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did at one point own a pink jelly cock-ring that ran on a watch battery. But my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) rightly refused to let it anywhere near his dick. Considering how weird it smelled, can’t say that I blame him.

This cock-ring, however, is in an entirely different class than my first crappy BOGO grab-bag piece of junk I’d got at some seedy sex store when I was too young to know any better. This cock-ring is beautiful, soft and smooth and so much fun to touch.

First Impressions

The Joy-Ring looks a little different from most other cock-rings I’ve seen and/or come across. Instead of being just a ring with a small vibrating portion stuck onto it, it looks more like a small bullet vibe with a nice smooth stretchy ring attached. It’s made from a buttery-smooth purple silicone, and seems not to attract too much lint, so that’s a good thing. It’s about 4.5” from the end of the ring to the tip of the bullet, and the ring itself is about 1.5” in diameter (though it can easily stretch much wider).

Charging Port

The toy is really easy to use. There is a power button on the top, and you just hold it for a few seconds to get things going. Once the toy is on, you can cycle through 3 different speed settings, and 4 different vibration patterns. To turn it off, just hold the power button again for a few seconds, and it shuts off, no matter which vibration cycle you’re up to.

The Joy-Ring is rechargeable, which is always a plus (have I mentioned how much I hate having to replace dead batteries in the heat of the moment? It's not my favorite way to spend my sexy-times), though the charging port was a little hard to find the first time I tried to plug it in. Here's a hint: it's the little depression under the DC stamp on the "back" of the vibrating portion of the ring (it looks like it’s been covered over with silicone, but you can get the charging cable in there… it just looks a little dirty…).

In Use

Right away I noticed how the design has an impact on the function. The motor is housed in the middle of the bullet-section of the toy, which makes sense. What doesn’t make as much sense is the fact that the vibrations are mostly felt on the tip of the bullet-section, otherwise known as: not the part that’ll be touching my clit when it’s being worn on a cock (or dildo, or strap-on, etc.).
This wasn’t my favorite part of the toy, because while the vibrations are actually fairly strong, they don’t hit where I need them to hit. I could definitely feel the vibrations while my husband and I were having sex, and I enjoyed the feeling, but it wasn’t really enough to get me off by itself. That was okay though, because in conjunction with the thrusting of a cock (or dildo, strap-on, etc.) the vibrations felt reeeeaaalllly nice, and it added a fun buzzy feel to our sex.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he’s not a huge fan of vibrations on his cock, and he hasn’t particularly liked me trying any of my other vibrators out on him, but he liked this toy. It wasn’t that he enjoyed these vibrations more than other types, it was that he couldn’t really feel them all that much, and therefore, he didn’t mind them at all.

Here are some quick pros and what I’m calling pro/cons,

and then I’ll talk about a few features that stand out to me:

Pros:

Holds a charge for a long time - like, a looong time
There are 7 different speeds/vibration patterns and they’re easy to cycle through
It’s really fun to watch!
Smoooooth silicone - I just can’t stop touching it
The indicator light matches the vibration setting, which makes me happy for some reason
Waterproof - easy to clean up

Pro/Cons:

Kinda looks like a bottle-opener
Charging port can be hard to spot. The pro of this is that it blends in nicely, but uh… where do I charge it?
Don’t know what the little metal bit on the side does - seriously, there is a little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I have no idea what it does… or if it even does anything
Vibrations are in the tip which uh… doesn’t touch my clit while in use

The vibrations are nice and rumbly, and if they were just a bit more centered in the middle of the toy (the part that my clit presses against while in use), I think the highest setting would be enough to get me off.
Okay, so there’s this little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I honestly have NO IDEA what it does. I’ve tried pressing it, but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I’ve held it down while the toy is on (thinking it might be touch-sensitive), but that doesn’t do anything either. If it’s decorative, it’s asymmetric, and that’s kind of an odd design choice. So yeah… no idea.
The Joy-Ring holds a charge for a long time, and that’s a good thing. I don’t generally want to have to think about if my toys are charged or not when I reach for them. I know that’s me being lazy, but the longer a toy can hold a charge, the more likely I am to reach for it and use it regularly.

Bottle-opener or cock-ring?

I think that’s about it. Overall, I really enjoyed this toy, and I’m glad that my first experience with a cock-ring was with such a nice, high quality toy. Knowing that the toy you're using is made of body-safe materials, and knowing that you don't have to run out to grab a new battery, makes such a difference when you're in the middle of sex or masturbating.
I don't know that this'll be a cock-ring that we reach for every single time we have sex, but I do know that this is going to be the toy we reach for when we want some buzziness mixed in with our sexiness.

If you’d like to try the Joy-Ring for yourself, pick one up on amazon!

Thank you so much to AphoJoy for sending me the Joy-Ring in exchange for my honest review!

Good Vibrations Pilgrimage!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 19:47:00 +0000

Back in November, my husband was asked to attend a work-related conference in San Fransisco. Naturally, we jumped at the chance to leave the cold and miserable MidWest and head out to sunnier climes for a long weekend. We have family in the area, so there was another incentive to make the trip.

While hubs was at his conference, I spent a few days wandering around the city, doing all the touristy things. I took a tour of Alcatraz National Park, visited the Cable Car Museum (and got to ride on one!) and the SFMOMA. I even got a private tour of the American Bookbinders Museum (one of the city's hidden gems).

But no trip to San Fransisco would be complete without a pilgrimage to Good Vibrations! Our hotel was only a 20 minute walk from the Polk St. location, and while there was a store a little closer to us, we really wanted to see the Antique Vibrator Museum! (or at least, I really wanted to see it!) So we took a nice quick walk... uphill... the entire way... I mean, I know intellectually that San Fransisco is all hills, but it's different when you're actually climbing them.

But every minute of that climb was so worth it! It's been years since I've shopped for sex toys in person, and I didn't have the best memories of it (visiting seedy adult "novelty" stores as a young woman, feeling so unwelcome and out of place). Good Vibes was so different though! It was clean and well-lit, with a big sign outside proudly proclaiming the name of the store, and a big, open picture window. The selection was huge! And the staff were helpful, but not pushy. I quickly found a few toys that I wanted, but lingered to browse and enjoy myself. I didn't feel like I needed to grab my purchases and leave before I got creeped on.

And.... and there was the antique vibrator museum! Which was just beyond cool. I was super impressed with how many antique and vintage vibrators they had, and how nicely they were displayed. It really was like a little museum!
It was neat to see some really old vibes, and some that looked... kinda familiar. I'm looking at you Hitachi Magic Wand!

All in all, my husband and I had a great experience at the store. It was worlds away from buying crappy jelly toys at the local adult bookstore when I was just a wee little thing. I really just felt like I was in any other store, picking up something that I needed/wanted. I didn't feel creepy, out of place or ashamed. I just felt happy, and glad to be there.

Thanks Good Vibes, for being such an amazing store, and an amazing place to buy toys. I probably won't be back to your brick-and-motor store(s) any time real soon, since I don't like in the right area, but next time I'm in the City by the Bay, you can bet I'll be stopping by!

Thanks again to the staff at the Good Vibrations Polk St store who were friendly and funny, and didn't mind me asking a lot of questions about the museum! You guys really made the experience memorable.

Also, if you're curious, I bought the Stronic Eins in purple and the Pop Tops Deluxe G-spotter, also in purple. I'll have reviews for both of them coming up in the next few months or so, so stick around!

Septimus Still Reviews!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 19:20:00 +0000

So… Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been gone… for almost 3 years. That’s a long time, I know. But I promise, I have a good excuse. Or rather, excuses. (Why come up with one when I can come up with 3?) Anyway, here goes:

First of all, I was in grad-school. I know I had tweeted about that a few times, but grad-school kind of ate my for 2.5 years. It was… fun? I’m very glad that I stuck through it and finished my program, there was more than one point where I wanted to just say ‘fuck it’ and quit. But still she persisted, and after 2.5 grueling years, I now have a shiny Master’s Degree to show off (It’s a Masters in Library and Information Science, for those who are curious. And yes, I’m a librarian in my “real” life).

Second, depression. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I suffer from depression. I’m not on any medication at this time, but I’ve taken anti-depressants in the past, and I’ve also seen a therapist on and off since I was a kid. My depression hasn’t been bad in the last several years (moving out of my parent’s house really really helped), but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact my daily life.

For the most part, I’m fine. I can get through every day with little to no symptoms. But when I’m stressed (like, trying to write 2 papers and get my ass to work on time), my depression tends to be worse.

Excuse number 3, and it’s a big one: I have ADD. ADD and depression you say? Isn’t she lucky! Yeah… Anyway, I’ve been dealing with symptoms of ADD since I was in middle-school (and isn’t that just the best time of our lives?). It’s been mostly under control since I finished college, but then again, I haven’t had to write papers, and do reports and surveys, and keep track of my own deadlines as intensely as I had to when I was in school. And then, well, I went back to school. I was very impressed with how I did in grad-school, but it was because I hyper-focused on school and work. If it wasn’t a paper for school, or something that paid my bills, I couldn’t focus on it.

This is also tied in to my depression. When I slipped up, or fell behind on an assignment or work task, I got stressed, which made my ADD harder to deal with, and depressed me. Being depressed makes it harder to concentrate on tasks… and well, vicious cycle and all.

So, where does this leave poor Septimus? Not reviewing, that’s where. Not only does depression decrease your sex-drive (which makes it a lot harder to review sex toys), but it makes it harder to get and stay motivated to complete tasks at all. Plus, with me having to hyper-focus on school and work, there just wasn’t a lot of time for me to be blogging.

TL;DR? I let my blog slip over the last few years because of grad-school and the ADD symptoms and depression that can with it. I lost my domain and stopped blogging at all. Luckily, I had all of my reviews and was able to re-publish them on blogger.

I’d been thinking about getting back into blogging since I finished school in December, but a week or so ago I was approached about reviewing a new toy from a company I already love. That was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get my blog back up and running.

So…

What can you look forward to here?

A new toy review coming soon (I hope)

A write-up of my pilgrimage to the Good Vibrations store in San Fransisco

A renewal of my own domain (though it might be slightly different - update your links!)

And much more!

Stay tuned folks, I’m back.

Submit! To Pleasure

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 12:55:00 +0000

A few months ago when Rachel Kramer Bussel over at Cleis Press asked me if I wanted to review another book for them, I almost literally jumped at the chance. See, right now I'm actually in graduate school, working on getting my Master's of Library and Information Science degree (so that I can be a librarian) and books, are kinda my thing. And even if BDSM (the theme of this collection, as you'll see shortly) isn't my go-to kink, I still wanted to read some hot stories about it, and get a chance to tell you nice folks what I thought! So, without any more ado at all, let's dive into the Big Book of Submission.

The Big Book of Submission is a collection of "69 Kinky Tales", all on the topic of BDSM. But that's pretty much the only thing all of these stories have in common.

One story is about a voyeur, watching the couple across the street have some fun with spanking.
Another is about a man who discovers that his new personal trainer has some unique methods for getting results.
The Dear Sir is in the form of a letter from a sub to her dom, detailing the fun evening that they had together.
And yet another story is all about the artistic use of ropes in a non-traditional photo-shoot.

And that's just a quick sample of all the kinky fun that's to be had between the covers of The Big Book of Submission. I don't want to go as far as to say that there's something for everyone in this book, you probably have to enjoy a good spanking story to really get the most out of the book, but there's enough variety to keep you on your toes, so to speak.

Now what about me? I already told you that BDSM isn't exactly my go-to kink, so did I like the book? Absolutely. While being spanked (and frankly, reading about spanking) doesn't really turn me on, well written erotica does, and this book has that in spades! Ever since I first started to masturbate, my material of choice has always been erotica. While my peers were discovering internet porn, I was consuming erotic fiction at an alarming rate. And I would dabble into everything. Lesbian porn, Gay male porn (still my favorite), stories about BDSM, sex toys, even erotic horror. I could get myself off to a story of almost any genre, as long as it was well written, and these stories hit that mark!

But are the stories hot enough to get me going? Is what you might be asking yourself (or me) right now. Well, for that, I'll have to refer you to my poor husband, who got jumped last night while I was browsing through some of my favorite stories in preparation for this review. When asked for a comment he said:

"Sex with you is always wonderful. I love you. I'm not being helpful, am I?"

Well... no dear, not super helpful. But I love you anyway.

I guess if you want to find out if these 69 stories are hot enough to get you off, you'll just have to pick up a copy and try for yourself! If you like well written erotica of the BDSM variety (that also touches on a lot of other themes, like gender identity and marriage), then you won't be disappointed in The Big Book of Submission. And if all else fails, I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of the piece Story Time in which, as punishment, a sub has to read excerpts from everyone's "favorite" BDSM romance novel to her dom.

If you liked this review, check out all of the other cool reviews on the Big Book of Submission blog tour that's happening right now! You can see their tumblr page here! And of course, go get your own kinky copy on amazon!

Thank you to Rachel Kramer Bussel (the editor of this kinky book)

for sending me my free copy in exchange for my honest review!

Thank you again Rachel, and thanks to Cleis Press too!

My Experience with the LayaSpot

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 21:34:00 +0000

A caveat before we begin. This is not a review. This is just a post (maybe a rant) talking about my experiences with a specific toy. Other people might have had a different experience, this is just mine.

This is a post that I've been wanting to write for a very long time, but one that I had actually convinced myself shouldn't be written. Recently however, I listened in to a twitter conversation about the pros and cons of reviewing bad toys, and I decided that this was something I had to write.

A long time ago (back when I was just getting into sex toys), I bought myself the FunFactory LayaSpot. I think it was the second or third toy I had ever bought, and it took me long enough to work up the nerve to actually take the thing up to the register and purchase it.
At the time, I had never even heard of FunFactory, (The only toy company that I was even remotely familiar with was California Exotics who made the set of crappy jelly anal beads I had purchased a few months earlier - a mistake) and didn't know anything about them. All I knew was that the LayaSpot looked like a higher quality of toy than the crap I had been purchasing up until then.
I took it home and was eager to try it out right away. The LayaSpot is a clitoral vibrator that is supposed to fit easily into the palm of your hand (and therefore be more ergonomic than other clit vibes out on the market), and since at the time I wasn't big on internal vibes, I thought that this would be perfect for me.

The FunFactory LayaSpot, which I inexplicably still have

Unfortunately, I didn't get to find out that night. I took the toy home, put batteries into it (it takes 2 AAs) and turned it on. It felt nice and buzzy, especially in the tip (which was exactly what I had been looking for). I tried it out, and at first, I was pretty pleased. The LayaSpot fit nicely into the palm of my hand, and the tip sat right over my clit, transferring the deep buzzy vibrations nicely. I was really enjoying myself, and just starting to get into things when... it stopped. I assumed that in my pleasure-induced haze, I must have pushed one of the two button controls. I pushed the + button to turn the thing back on, and resumed what I had been doing. But again, as soon as I started getting into things, the toy just turned off.
This time I opened up the battery compartment (still one of the more obnoxious ones I've dealt with) and checked to see if anything was leaking. Since nothing was, this time I made the assumption that the batteries I had supplied it with were perhaps not the freshest.
So I dutifully switched out the batteries and tried again... with the same result. Dead after just a few minutes of use. Frustrated, I shoved the toy back in my toy-drawer and tried to put it out of my mind long enough to finish the task at hand.

Sometime later, I decided to give the LayaSpot another go. And to my surprise, it turned on without any problems! But then, a few minutes later... You guessed it, dead again. At this point I was so annoyed that I boxed it back up and took it back to the store I got it at.
The lady who ran the store was very nice and exchanged it for me, no questions asked. We both assumed that I had just gotten a defective item. It's annoying sure, but it happens from time to time.

I took my new LayaSpot home and ended up having many enjoyable orgasms with it, at least until it too started exhibiting the exact same malfunctions.
After a few days of normal use, it started to randomly die on my during use. It happened over and over and over again. I switched out the batteries almost every time I used it, just so I could try to get a few moments of use out of my only "real" viberator.

But it was no use, the thing was a dud and there was no getting around it. A few months after taking my second LayaSpot home (most of which time it lay forgotten and dead at the bottom of my drawer) the thing died pretty much for good. I had taken it out to give it yet another one last chance, and it wouldn't work at all. I opened up at battery compartment and found that the batteries had leaked everywhere. I cleaned it up the best I could, dumped the batteries and shoved the thing back into my drawer, this time for good.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a post that I've been wanting to write for a long time. At the time, I was just starting to get into the toy-reviewing community and was a member of a web-site with some pretty stringent rules regarding toy reviews. One of which was that "As a matter of policy ***** does not host reviews on defective products." This of course served to deter me from sharing my experience with this toy. In principal, I agree that reviews of defective products don't really help anyone (which is one of the reasons why this isn't a review), but when you have the same bad experience with two separate items, you have to wonder if they were defective, or if something else was going on.

I've since owned several other FunFactory products, including the SmartBalls (which I loved), and don't really understand how I seemed to end up with 2 broken toys in a row. I want to make it clear again that I did not buy straight from the manufacturer, I bought from a 3rd party retail establishment. And I probably could have gone back and exchange my LayaSpot yet again for store credit or something, but at that point I was so annoyed that I didn't want to deal with it.

I'm sorry that this post has been so long, but I wanted to get my thoughts out there and share this experience with you nice folks. Please let me know what you think. And if you have had any similar experiences with the LayaSpot, please, share them!

A "Unique" Opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 13:41:00 +0000

When she was asked to review a new "unique" condom, the ever resourceful Epiphora recruited the help of 16 "brave" souls, including yours truly, and compiled all of the data into one awesome piece of review.

So what are you waiting for? Go check it out!

So uh, yeah, I'm on Hey Epiphora... not like that's a big deal or anything *dying of joy*.

69 "O"s In A Row!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 17:44:00 +0000

Okay, I'll admit that when I first picked up my copy of The Big Book of Orgasms, I went about reading it in entirely the wrong way.

Wrong, you say, how can that be?

Well you see, I'm the kind of person who feels compelled to read a book (any book) from cover to cover, starting at the beginning.

Now you might already see where this is going. Cover to cover is not always the best way to read a collection of different stories. And especially a collection such as this one, which is clearly meant to be browsed through at a leisurely pace.

You see The Big Book of Orgasms is exactly what it sounds like (except for the Big part, the book's actually perfectly compact), it's a collection of 69 short stories all featuring and focusing on the Big O. The stories cover a wide range of topics and situations. There are solos and couples and threesomes; straight, gay, bi, lesbian and everything in between. There's even a story about a girl getting freaky with a guitar amp! The authors are so creative with the different situations that they put their characters into, I have no idea how they all do it, but I admire the heck out of them.

I bet we can all figure out why there are exactly 69 stories in this collection, but one of the advantages of that is that there's something in here for almost everyone. Do you like BDSM? It's in there. An artist masturbating in public as part of a gallery show? It's in there. A gender-swaped couple? It's in there.¹ Random elevator hook-ups? They're in there!

Okay, I can tell you're waiting for me to just get to the good part already. Sure, there's variety, I can hear you saying, but is it hot?

Yes, yes it is. Or at least, a large percentage of the stories that I read are hot. Which is exactly as it should be. Like I said, there's something in this collection for almost everyone, thus conversely, there are some things in this collection that are not for everyone. Now, that's not to say that I came across any stories that were in any way offensive or out of line, not at all. But I did come across a few that were, to me at least, meh.

And that's fine! Like I said, not every story in this book is going to do it for every reader out there, that would be impossible. But out of the stories I read, I feel very comfortable saying that about 80% of them really turned me on, and that's a lot!

So in conclusion ladies, gentlemen, and people of all genders, what did I think of The Big Book of Orgasms? I freakin' loved it! This is a book that's going to stay a part of my permanent erotica collection. It's the kind of book that I'm going to (and have been) grab again and again when the mood strikes me. I'll flip around and find something new, or maybe return to a story that I've already read and loved. But whichever it'll be, I know that I'm going to enjoy this book for many orgasms to come!

Want to grab a copy of your own? You can pick up a copy of your own from Amazon.com, GoodVibes and many other fine retailers.

Thank you to Rachel Kramer Bussel (the editor of this fine work)

for sending me my copy in exchange for my honest review!

Thanks again to Rachel and Cleis Press!

^{1. In case you're curious, the story in question is "Remote Control" by Logan Zachary, and it's my favorite.↩}

Brand 'Spanking' New Plunge Paddle!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 17:03:00 +0000

Okay, so a little while ago I was innocently browsing twitter, when I saw this:

Plunge & Spank! The new Plunge Paddle by @Tantus is here! http://t.co/a11pciaGU8 pic.twitter.com/QWOtRkVOYm
— SheVibe.com (@shevibe) November 19, 2013

I was... intrigued. So I responded thusly:

@shevibe @tantus Now there's an interesting concept!
— SeptimusReviews (@SeptimusReviews) November 19, 2013

The next thing I knew, SheVibe was asking me if I wanted a Plunge Paddle of my very own to review! How could I possibly say no? (hint: I couldn't) And before I knew it, I had a Plunge Paddle in my hands to use & review! So, let's get to it, shall we?

The brand-spanking new Tantus Plunge Paddle!

The Plunge Paddle by Tantus is a brand new silicone paddle with one very interesting feature... (can you guess what it is?) *pause for dramatic effect* you can fuck it! *blank stares* Okay, I'll explain. The handle of the plunge paddle is actually a fully insertable dildo, that you can use just like you would use any other dildo...

The aforementioned tag

As soon as we took it out of the box we were chasing each other around the apartment, smacking each other's asses and laughing like fools. Well actually, that's not quite true. As soon as we took the paddle out of its box we noticed a very odd smell. It wasn't very strong, just sort of unpleasant. I contacted Jenna over at Tantus and was told that the smell was actually coming from the little plastic tag that came attached to the toy. We quickly cut it off and washed the paddle, and then the smell went away fairly soon after that.

Immediately after that, we ran around the apartment smacking each other like crazy people. Okay, so maybe I should mention the fact that I've never actually used a paddle before (I've also never had one used on me before). My husband and I have always been into some very light BDSM (hand-spanking, light rope play etc), but we've never actually invested in any real equipment. Which is why I jumped (quite literally) at the chance to try out an actual real paddle!

One of the very first things I noticed about the paddle is how... wiggly it is! I guess I was expecting something very solid, so I was surprised to see just how much the flat end of the paddle can move. But it makes sense, that mobility provides for a good solid smack! Take a look:

Wiggly, isn't it? (My husband wanted to do a full analysis of its mechanical properties, but he seems to have forgotten everything he learned about wave dynamics...) And like I said, that wiggle translates into a very satisfying smack on whichever body part you choose.¹ Personally, I've found that I love being bent over the bed and smacked right on the ass with this bad boy, and luckily my husband seems to love smacking me. There's a nice loud 'thwack!' every time, and it leaves a very pleasant sting behind on my behind.

One of the things that I really love about this paddle is that it works well for people with different levels of spanking experience. If, like me, you're new to BDSM or just simply don't like a lot of pain (also like me), then this paddle will work wonders for you! With a little practice² you (or your partner) can really control just how hard the paddle is going to come down, making for a wide variety in the sensation level. So conversely, if you're into a little more hard-core level of sensation, you can get there with this paddle.

The dildo end of the Plunge Paddle

But this isn't just an instrument of pain, it's meant to deliver pleasure as well. At least, it's meant to... The handle end of the paddle is a dildo, used for dildo-ing purposes. In theory, I love this feature. In practice uh, not so much. I'm going to be honest here, I've only used the handle part of the toy a few times. And it's not because holding onto the paddle in order to fuck yourself is awkward (though it kind of is), it's because of that hole...

Ugh, that hole...

Do you see it? Right there in the "head" of the dildo-end? It's where the tag was attached when we got the toy, but other than that, I really have no clue as to why there's a big old hole in the end of my dildo. Now, the walls of my vag aren't normally super-sensitive. I mean, I like some nice texture about as much as the next gal, but I'm not usually bothered be seems on toys or anything like that. But this silly little hole... UGH! I can't get over it. Not only can I feel it with every single thrust, it hurts! It's super uncomfortable. The first time I tried it, I had to tell my husband to stop after only a few moments, I just couldn't get myself to enjoy it.

Now I'm fully prepared to admit that this might just be me. You might get the Plunge Paddle and absolutely love getting fucked with it! Good for you, go for it! It's just not for me. Which is a shame, because the shape and length of the dildo end really look wonderful, and I really wish that I could love it as much as I want to. Luckily, the odd hole has zero impact on what an awesome spanking implement this is. So while I can't enjoy this paddle's every intended use, I can still love it for the amazing paddle that it is. Since the entire thing is "Ultra-Premium" silicone, it can of course be boiled to sterilize. As for keeping lint (and/or cat hair) off of it... heh heh, good luck!

If you'd like a Plunge Paddle of your very own, may I recommend SheVibe?

Thank you again to SheVibe, for sending me the Plunge Paddle in exchange for my honest review! Love you guys! :o)

^{1. For some odd reason, I actually really love being lightly smacked on the back with the paddle. It's like a massage. :o)}
^{2. Practice makes perfect!}

Beware the Kraken!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Thu, 05 Dec 2013 19:24:00 +0000

You're sitting alone in your apartment, maybe watching some TV, maybe reading a book. Suddenly you think you can hear some music, seeming to come from nowhere, and every where at the same time. You look up. "Hello?" you call out, "is anybody there?" The music is getting louder, it almost sounds like... no, it couldn't be... could it? Your heart starts to race, the music is getting louder and louder, and now you're absolutely certain that yes, it is the theme from Jaws.

Out of the corner of your eye you can see something cresting in the water (which is weird because there isn't usually an ocean in your apartment). Just as you open your mouth the scream it surfaces and you see that it's... a tentacle?

But not just any tentacle, a WhipSpider Rubberworks Tentacle!

This tentacle is easily one of the most beautiful toys that I own. The craftsmanship is exquisite, and it's very obvious that the folks over at Whipspider Rubberwoks take a lot of pride in their toys.

I've had my eye on this tentacle pretty much since I started getting involved with sex toys. I'll admit that at first I found it strange and bizarre, and I still think that both of those adjectives apply. But now, those are my adjectives, I love strange and bizarre. After seeing countless "life-like" dildos, it's always nice to see something a little bit different. And it doesn't get much more different than a tentacle now does it?

Now I know that tentacles might not be your thing, but hear me out, okay? Because this isn't just a work of art (though it certainly is that), it's also a highly functional dildo which can bring you endless oceans of pleasure (see what I did there?).

The tentacle is just about 6.5" if you measure from the base to the tip, but as you can see in the picture, it had a wicked curve (the better to hit your G-spot with) to it, so overall the length is more like 7-7.5" depending on how stretched out it is.

The girth also varies from about 3.25" in circumference at the tentacle's very tip to about 7" right before the flared base (the base is shaped like an oval, 2" x 3" in diameter). I know, that seems like a lot, and it is. If you're not into girthy toys, then this probably isn't the tentacle for you.¹

Like all Whipspider Rubberworks toys, the tentacle is made of 100% soft squishy (lint-loving) silicone. It's completely non-porus, and can safely be shared once it's been sterilized. (I recommend boiling it, and then standing over the pot and saying "mmm, calamari!")

But enough about specs, you guys probably want to know how this monster (sea-monster?) feels! Well, it feels a-mazing! See all of those little suction cups in the photo? They provides the walls of my vag with some much loved stimulation. If you're a fan of different and unique textures, you'll love this one! I can almost feel every single one of those cups when I'm getting fucked with the tentacle.
Speaking of fucking, because the toy is curved I sometimes have to sort of... twist the thing to get it in. And while that can be a little tiring for my wrists, it's soooo worth it! I end up reduced to a puddle of goo at the hands of the tentacle's twisty-textury-G-spotty goodness.

Sounds pretty good so far right? And I haven't even gotten to my favorite part yet.... Are you ready for it? Ready...? The tentacle GLOWS IN THE DARK! And when I say it glows, it GLOWS! It took me a bazillion tries to get a decent picture, but I had to let you guys see for yourselves just how awesome this thing looks:

Amazing huh? When I first got it, I literally couldn't stop staring. I mean, the colors of the tentacle are stunning to begin with, but then you take it in the dark and... Guh! Can't stop staring!

Okay... TL:DR, I love this toy! I love the shape, the color and the texture. I love that it glows in the dark, and I love that it's a freakin' tentacle (but I'm weird like that). I love that this is a toy that exists, and that I can own.

Are you sold yet? You can get one of your own direct from Whipspider Rubberworks for $79.99 (plus shipping, I'm assuming). Or check out all of the other cool/odd/awesome stuff they have. Want a butt-plug shaped like one of the Easter Island heads? They've got you covered.

Happy tentacle-ing!

P.S. For those of you who are wondering, yes, I have been listening to a lot of 'Welcome to Night Vale' lately, how could you tell?

^{1. Whipspider Rubberworks does make a more slender version of the tentacle, called (appropriately enough) the Slender Tentacle. According to their web-site, the base of that tentacle is only about 2.25" in diameter. ↩}

100 Followers!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 12:51:00 +0000

I said that I would post something very silly on the blog if I got 100 followers on twitter. You guys came through on your end, so here you go:

100 followers, thank you all so much! You make my day! :o)

I read The Feminist Porn Book (and you should too!)

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 18:14:00 +0000

I firmly believe that there is nothing that you can't get through Inter-Library Loan.

Case in point, I'd been trying to get my hands on a copy of Tristan Taormino's The Feminist Porn Book since I'd first heard about it back in February or so.

Isn't it lovely?

I didn't think I needed to own a copy of the book, and I none of my friends had a copy that I could borrow, so I was kind of stuck. Then, in March I started working for my library and immediately requested the book from one our participating libraries. It took quite a while (you can't Inter-Library Loan a book that's less than 6 months old), but finally, finally it was all mine to do with as I pleased.
So what did I do? I grabbed my folding chair, sat out on my porch and got to reading. A few days later, I emerged from my reading cocoon a beautiful, enlightened butterfly.

The Feminist Porn Book is almost exactly what it sounds like. What it sounds like is a book of porn (which would be cool), what it is is about a book about porn. Specifically, feminist perspectives on pornography. The book is composed of essays by people with all sorts of ties to the industry. From writers and directors to performers and even academics who make a career of the industry (a degree in pornography studies makes going back to grad school sound almost tempting).

The essays are (for the most part) smartly written and very well put together. They offer a number of different perspectives both on what it means to be a feminist and how pornography can actually be feminist (spoiler alert: it certainly can be!).

Many of the essayists suggest that there is more than one way for a work to be considered feminist. Here’s a list:

· A film can be a feminist work if woman (and female identifying people) are involved in any of the various aspects of its production.

· A film can be a feminist work if it features performers of color. Or gay, lesbian, queer and transgendered performers (and writers, directors and producers too!). Basically, feminist porn should be all-inclusive.

· Another standard that a production has to meet to be considered feminist is to treat it’s workers and performers like people, provide them food and facilities and pay them fairly. Performers should never be tricked or coerced into performing

So, how can a producer ensure that his/her film will be considered feminist? Have woman involved in the production, not just the performance. Have people involved who aren’t just straight and white, and just treat their performers like human beings. Surprisingly simple.¹

The book also introduces its readers to the concept of the "Porn Wars", which were apparently many battles fought on both sides by feminists with radically different views on pornography. One camp felt strongly that porn could only ever be exploitative towards woman, and the other felt that porn could be liberating and empowering.

Yes, this book is an academic work (there are more than a few essays by prominent academics in the field), but it's also a very interesting work, and not at all dry. If you're interested in picking up a copy of your own (and I encourage you to do so; whichever side of the "Porn Wars" you fall on, it's an interesting read), you can do so at amazon.com, and don't worry, you can get the book in kindle format if you're not super-comfortable reading a bright red book with the word "PORN" in bold lettering…

^{1.This works in mainstream cinema as well, by having films pass the Bechdel Test↩}

New "Review"

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Thu, 29 Aug 2013 22:13:00 +0000

Hi there ladies and gentlemen! I know, I know, I'm supposed to be on vacation until September 1st (and I still am, really), but I got this new product and I just had to review it for you folks...
See, I've been out of the office (so to speak) because I was busy doing very important things, like, getting married. And in my wild adventures in marriage land, I see to have acquired a new sex-toy...
I'm calling it the...

"Husband"

Now, this "husband" that I've acquired is an item with a lot of pros and cons. It's for sure the most versatile toy I've ever owned and it has a range of special features! But of course, like any toy, there can be some drawbacks too. Like the fact that for some inexplicable reason this toy seems to generate a lot of mess. Like, more than you'd think one little toy could make.

But let's start with the pros, shall we?

Pros:

Gets me off almost every damn time!

The "Husband" is almost guaranteed to get me off! And on demand too! All I have to do is flash my tits at it, and it's ready to go! So convenient!

Has many lovely moving parts.

It has a "tongue" and "fingers" and even a realistic penis to pleasure me with!

Is totally and 100% water-proof.

In fact, it loves to pleasure me in the shower or the tub!

It makes me food!

Yes folks, you read that right! When this toy isn't giving me the most amazing orgasms, it's cooking me delicious dinners! Does it get better than that? I think not.

But like any toy that I've ever owned, the "Husband" has some lesser points too...

Cons:

Only seems to know how to cook pasta.

And pasta-related dishes.

It makes a mess!

I think I already said this but wow! This toy sure does get messy while it's getting me off!

Sometimes it wants to get me off when I'm not really in the mood.

This thing just can't keep its "hands" off of me! What have I gotten myself into?

Well, that's not really such a bad list, is it? Over-all this "Husband" toy is fabulous. I'm so very lucky to have gotten it, and I really do love it very much! Would I recommend it to others? Not this particular model, sorry but it's taken. :o)

I hope you folks didn't mind this little tongue-in-cheek "review", I really have fun writing it. Don't worry, I'll be back for "real" on September 1st and will resume my regularly scheduled reviews. I've got a few new toys and even some lube to review, so stay tuned.

And a special thank-you to my "Husband", for having such a good sense of humor. Love you Puppy!

Taking a Brief Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Thu, 01 Aug 2013 04:00:00 +0000

I know, I know. You see the word 'hiatus' and think: okay, well it was fun while it lasted, but there goes another blog. Ah well, such is life.

But it's not like that, I promise! I really will be back...

You might have noticed that over the last month or so my posts and reviews have been more and more infrequent. Instead of 10 posts per month, you're only getting 2... Granted, they're fabulous, but still, 2 posts just don't seem like quite enough to fill up the void.

And I want to do something about it, I really do. So what am I going to do? Well, I'm going to take a little break.

"Wait, what? In order to post more things to the blog, you're going to... uh, stop posting on the blog?"

Yeah, but it makes sense, I promise. Just bear with me a few more lines here, please.

In case you don't know, I'm getting married, like ridiculously soon (10 days from when this post will go live). And because of that I've been super-busy and super-stressed. Whoever said that planning a wedding is supposed to be the best time of your life, should be shot.
As a result of all of this business and stressing, my blog has suffered. See, we've come full circle, and I promise I'll get to my point soon.

Right now I work 20-29 hours a week at my "real" job, I have two other jobs that I go to once a week and I do volunteer work on Tuesdays. My fiance and I are also in the process of moving into our new apartment (also, not super-fun). On top of all that, I'm putting the final touches on planning the wedding and trying to have some semblance of a social life (hahahahahaha). Like I said, stress.

So now you know why you're only getting a measly 2 posts per month over here. I just don't have enough hours in my day to seriously devote time to blogging, and I feel like that's not fair to my readers.

So like I said at the beginning of all this madness, I'm taking a hiatus.

I will be gone for the month of August.

I plan to be back exactly on September 1st, with a brand new review to make it up to you guys. I don't want you folks out there to feel unloved, but I need a little break. After the wedding (and the honeymoon!) things will have settled down tremendously in my "real" life, and I should be able to have time to breathe once in a while.

Please note, I'm only taking a break from blogging. I will still be on twitter and checking my e-mail, so you can reach me @SeptimusReviews, or e-mail me: SeptimusReviews@gmail.com.

So, September 1st, be back here for an awesome new review (one I've been planning for a long time!) and after that things will really pick up. Really.

And maybe I'll even get my mother off my back! Well, a girl can dream, can't she?

See you in September!

:o)

I Found Nirvana

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 27 Jul 2013 23:30:00 +0000

...and it was in my night-stand this whole time! Well, maybe not the whole time. More like a month or so. And it's not actually Nirvana, but something damned close. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, but what else is new? Alright, before I get too far into this craziness, let's get the old 'opening spiel' over with... I'm going to be reviewing (for your reading pleasure) the:

Nirvana Cobalt Glass Dildo

by Prisms Erotic Glass

I'm a huge fan of glass toys, and I desperately wish that I owned more of them. There's something so wonderful and unique about glass that just can't be equaled by any other material. Now you might be thinking "glass, oh hell no! no was is something made out of glass going in my vagina!". I get it, I really do. I was just like you a few years ago; skeptical, doubting, afraid. But I (and my vagina) have since embraced glass for the wonder that it is.

Glass is a perfectly safe choice of material (certainly safer than icky jelly toys). Glass is non-porous and can therefore be sterilized. The one thing you do have to be careful of when it comes to glass dildos is breaking them! I've heard horror stories of beloved toys that had to be tossed because they were cracked or chipped. While a glass toy is completely safe to use internally, a chipped or cracked toy is NOT. Luckily, most glass toys (including the Nirvana) come with at least a small velvet pouch to store the toy in. Some even come with padded bags, which is awesome, because you really don't want these toys bumping-uglies in your toy-drawer!¹ But still, be careful with your glass folks, especially if you love the toy as much as I love this one.

And how much do I love the Nirvana Cobalt? Let me count the ways:

1. It's glass, which I've already stated is an amazing choice of material. Unlike silicone (which, obviously, I also love), glass slides with little or no lube and provides for a much smoother thrust.
2. It's got these fabulous bulbs:

which feel absolutely amazing inside me. I love thrusting them in slowly, so I can feel each individual bulb as it slides in, opening me up.
3. It's blue! I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I love any toy that's not pink! Not that there's really anything wrong with pink, I'm just annoyed at the over saturation of the sex-toy market with all things pink and purple. (It's a not-so-secret goal of mine to own a green sex toy)

Look at this gorgeous blue color!

4. And finally, the price is right. At only $20, the Nirvana is fairly cost-effective. I've not going to break the bank, like some of my other favorite toys

Now, I'm not one of those lucky, lucky girls who can come from penetration alone (at least, not typically), but I feel like the Nirvana almost brings me there. While it isn't at all curved, I feel like the bulbous end of the dildo does press lightly against my G-spot if I thrust at exactly the right angle. I wouldn't recommend this as a G-spotting toy, it's not designed as one, and doesn't provide nearly enough pressure. But the light, almost teasing, touches are still very enjoyable. I think that's one of the reasons why the Nirvana has become my go-to dildo for quick masturbation sessions. There's not a lot of prep-work since I don't have to use much lube (or any at all, most times) and it gets me off (in combination with a clit-vibe) pretty damned quick! I also occasionally use it for a slow session of thrusting and building up my arousal; my fiance certainly enjoys torturing me with it.

But maybe you guys don't come here just to listen to me gush about my toys. Maybe you want some actual stats. Fine, you guys are really so demanding:

Weighing in at ~0/6 lbs, the Nirvana isn't exactly a light toy, but it's not heavy enough that you'll break your wrist while thrusting.
And with ~5.25" of insertable length, it shouldn't scare anyone off either.
The base is just about 1.75" in diameter, and is technically anal-safe, though I am not quite adventurous enough (yet) to try it in my ass.
The bulbs of the toy are all just about 1.125" in diameter, and the depressions between them are 1", which means that you can really feel each one as it slides home.

I think that about wraps it up for Nirvana. Bottom line: I love this dildo. It's made of one of my favorite materials, has amazing bulbs (that feel fab in my vag) and is a gorgeous color! What more could you want out of life? Food and shelter? Nah, you only need orgasms.

Want one of your own? (a toy, not the orgasm, though it should follow!) You can pick one up at Looks-Like-Sex.com!

1If you want to know more about the care and keeping of glass toys, you should really check out my buddy Naughty Reenie's post on the subject. And tell her I say hi!^↩

The Nirvana Cobalt was given to me in exchange for my honest review by looks-like-sex.com, thanks again Jessica!

Porn-ucational!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Thu, 18 Jul 2013 23:38:00 +0000

We have another first here on the blog! I'm going to be reviewing a porno for the very first time!
Now, full disclosure, porn hasn't always been my thing. I do occasionally watch some DVDs that I had laying around the house, but it's not really a go to for my masturbation sessions. This porn, however, is very different. I actually requested this DVD for review. Because, you see, this isn't just any old porno, it's the newest edition of...

Sexing the Transman XXX (vol 3)

by Buck Angel Entertainment

This movie is different than any other porno I've ever seen, and I definitely want to go out and get the first two volumes of the series to watch with my fiance! But before I get too carried away (yeah right, like that will ever happen) let me back up and start at the beginning...

Buck Angel is an adult film star, head of his own production company, and a transman! He fights for trans rights and puts out the most awesome PSAs about body acceptance and trans health issues. So it's probably not all that surprising that his porn has an educational spin to it!

The Sexing the Transman DVD has 5 scenes, three couples and two solo scenes. Each scene starts out with Buck interviewing the performer(s). They talk about, among other things, sexuality, transitioning and just trans life in general.
These interviews are so cool and provide real insights into what it's like to be a transperson. Surprise! Trans people have sex too! And if the DVD is anything to judge by, they have really hot sex!

At first I was a bit unsure about how to approach this review. Should I break the DVD down and review each scene one at a time? Or should I just put down my impressions of the film as a whole? Both seemed like viable options, and so in the end (in the spirit of true democracy [or something like it]), I decided to do both! I'm going to talk about why this movie as a whole is awesome (spoiler alert: I loved it!), and I'm also going to give some highlights from my favorite scenes. So let's get started, shall we?

The DVD starts out hot with a scene between Bleu, a transman, and Je his gender-queer partner. This scene was pretty cool because it is so obvious that Bleu and Je are real people. Not porn-stars who are dolled up in a ton and a half of makeup and look absolutely flawless from every angle. Real people, really fucking. There's some great chemistry between these two, and it's obviously that they really love fucking each other (probably why they're a couple in the frist place), and that translates into some hot on-screen sex. I wasn't a huge fan of the choking, but Je seemed to be really into it, and that in and of itself was hot to me. Also, lots of sucking of trans cock!

Next up we have a solo-scene with Atlanta based transman, Rex. If you're into masturbation scenes, then this will totally be for you! Honestly, I found it hot but it wasn't really my thing. What I like about porn is watching two (or more) people going at it hot and heavy, so solo isn't really going to appeal to me as much. But that's just me! It was, however, really fun to watch the expression on Rex's face as he got himself off. Very cool. The only thing that disturbed me was the use of what I'm 90% certain was a jelly vibrator. Silicone man, silicone!

The solo-scenes are interspersed with the coupled scenes, so next up we have another real-life couple, Lola and Rude Boy. Now, what I loved more than anything else about this scene was the fact that both of them are trans! Lola is a transwoman, and Rude is a transman! How fucking cool is that? Porn doesn't get more inclusive folks! The sex was pretty damned hot too, with lots of nipple-sucking (from 2 different angles) and moaning. I especially loved when Rude started face-fucking Lola while she was going down on him. Hot! I wasn't really a huge fan of the kissing in this scene (of the face-sucking and lip-mashing variety), but again, I'm pretty sure that's just a personal preference.

Back to the solo-scene with Dicky, who lives his life as both a man and a woman. (We really need some good gender neutral pronouns, don't we? Get on that folks, okay?) Like most of the other scenes, this one started a bit slowly, with Buck coaxing Dicky into first taking off his shirt, and then getting progressively more naked. (Spoiler alert: naked is good). And then there was clit-pumping! Which I had honestly never seen before. How I've gotten to the ripe old age of *insert age here* without ever seeing a good old-fashioned clit pumping, I don't know. But I'm going to try to see more, that's for sure! It's a little like watching someone jack off with a crystal clear Fleshlight (which I would also like to see), and it was pretty damned hot! (Though I wasn't a fan of the spitting... ew).

And now for the grand finale: Buck and Sean! Yes, that's Buck as in Buck Angel, the man behind all of this madness. Unlike the other scenes, this one didn't start with an interview (probably because Buck was too busy fucking :oD), but rather just jumped straight into gay porn! Yay! My favorite! So much manly fucking, I could plotz! Yum. Although I could do without the very manly groaning, it was nice to see that everyone was at least having an excellent time! I think that the biggest difference between this DVD and mainstream hetero porn, is that here all of the performers seem to actually be enjoying themselves! What a novel concept! (more please!) Buck clearly enjoys being fucked! Also: Sean wears a condom throughout the scene! Yay for showcasing some really hot safe-sex! Way to go guys! This last scenes was the most "hard-core" of all of them. With tons of hard pussy-pounding and dirty talking (and grunting, so much grunting). It was a lot of fun to watch, and the one that I'm going to be getting my self off to many more times in the future!

Overall, this DVD was both hot and educational! Pornucational! (see what I did there?) Honestly, my favorite part of every scene was the interview. I loved hearing about the performer's life, transition and sex life. If you just want some straight-up fucking and aren't interested in listening to the interviews, that's cool too! You'll still really love this DVD, (here's a hint: you can fast-forward past the talking bits if that's what you want) but you'll be missing out on some of the best bits.

Would I recommend this DVD? The answer is emphatically: YES. This is a must-have DVD for anyone's collection, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a bit of a pack-rat. I actually threw out my other porn once I got Sexing the Transman. And if that's not the best recommendation ever, I don't know what is. :o)

Thank you to Buck Angel Entertainment for sending me this DVD in exchange for this honest review! You're an awesome guy Buck!

A Flash in the Pan

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 22 Jun 2013 22:00:00 +0000

Alright cats and kittens, it's that time again. You know what time I mean. That wondrous and magical time when I get to share my thoughts on another toy with all of you lovely folks (and even you not-so-lovely folks... *quints* you know who you are)! That's right, it's review time! And this week I'm reviewing the...

Flash by FunFactory

The Flash is a new "g-spot and clit" vibrator by FunFactory. It's made from 100% silicone with a plastic base. It runs on 2 AAA batteries (which I'm not a huge fan of, but whatever) and is apparently waterproof. *The battery compartment seems to be stuck on pretty damned tight, and it does have an o-ring, so it should be seal able, but honestly I just haven't tested it out in any water yet, I'm wary for some reason.*

I was kind of hoping it would have a lightning-bolt on it somewhere...

There are 6 vibration patterns ranging from your standard issue to deep pulsations and quick bursts of vibrations. To cycle through the patterns, you have to push on the little + button that's built into the toy's silicone. It's one of one two controls (+/-) which are considered to be "intuitive". And I suppose they are, to an extent.

You turn the toy on by pressing +, and off by holding down the - until it has cycled through all of it's various patterns. This is something that I find rather annoying. I don't mind being able to switch back-and-forth between vibration patterns, but personally, I would much rather be able to turn the toy completely off with the push of one button. Maybe it's just me, but I'm super-sensitive after I come, and I need to be able to stop any and all vibrations right away or it's just too much for my poor vag to handle. Shrug, c'est la vie.

The "intuitive" controls.

A long time ago, at some job I've now blissfully forgotten, I was told that the best way to criticism someone is using something called a "compliment sandwich" (sounds delicious, no?), which just means that you hide the insult between two complementary thoughts.

So, here goes:

I love that the Flash is made of silicone

How the hell is this supposed to be a "g-spot" toy??????

I love that the Flash comes in orange

Could you tell which one was the criticism?

Even though the Flash is just over 5" long in total, the clit arm kind of gets stuck on my clit (which it's supposed to do, I'm not complaining about that), which actually gives this vibe only about 3" of insertable length. That's not really long enough to reach my g-spot, let alone rock its world.

And can we talk about the fact that while this thing is curved, it's curved the wrong way?

Yeah... What's up with that FunFactory? Normally, I'm a big fan of your toys (I've got like 5...) but I think you guys kinda dropped the ball on this one. Now don't get me wrong, the vibrations are nice and I like the patterns, they feel really nice... when I can feel them. The general area of my vag feels pretty pleasant when I've got the Flash inside me, but that's about all I can feel. To reiterate: The g-spotting part of this toy fails on two counts. 1: it's not long enough when inserted, and 2: it's curved away from my g-spot.

One of these things it's not like the other...

But this is a "dual" vibe, so let's talk about the clit arm, shall we? I could make another compliment sandwich, but I think I'm out of bread. This part of the toy just doesn't do... anything for me. It doesn't have it's own motor, and the rumbly sensations from the (pretty decent) motor in the body of the toy don't transfer well through all of that silicone. I mean, I can feel that there's something buzzing on my clit, but it's just not enough to get me off.

The only time I actually got off with this toy was when I took it out and pressed the "g-spotting" end against my clit. That did the trick, but it's not what I expect to have to do with a "dual" vibe. Frustrating. One the other hand, the weaker vibrations mean that it's pretty quiet. It's like a consolation prize, I guess.

The Flash is (at least) easy to clean with a little bit of anti-bacterial soap and water. Yes the body of the toy is made out of silicone, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again: DO NOT BOIL ANYTHING WITH A MOTOR! Thank you. Because the Flash has moving parts, please do not boil it as a cleaning method. Anyway, the plastic might melt and hello, it's got batteries in it. Just not a good idea all around.

After cleaning, I recommend letting the Flash air-dry, because like many silicone toys it's a freakin' lint-magnet. And lint in your vag can't be pleasant (not that I would know...).

I think that's just about all that I have to say about the Flash. It was a good idea with a somewhat poor execution. Listen guys, make it a bit longer, curve it in the correct direction and let the clit arm have some power and then we can try this again. I will say this about the Flash. It is small, and it is good for traveling, so there's a plus.

If you'd like to pick one up for yourself, you can do so from any one of many fine retailers. Or, you can pick one up at edenfantasys.com.

The Flash was provided to me by edenfantasys.com free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion, which I hope that I have provided.

I think this might just about wrap things up for June. I might have one more review in me (now that the wedding planning is mostly done), but if not you guys can look forward to more reviews next month, including my first ever review of some porn! Yay! That's fun, right?

So check back soon! Or, you can always subscribe and be notified the very instant a new post goes up! (great for stalking)

:o)

The Tower is Crazy!

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 00:21:00 +0000

*NOTE* This review has been made possible thanks to Google translate.

Alright, here's the story behind this review (because lately it seems like all my reviews have a back-story). A while back I saw this Crazy Thing on Pinterest, and immediately pinned it to my "What this is, I don't even..." board. It was that strange looking. So of course, I had to find out if I could get my perverted little paws on one. Long story short, I could, and I did. So I now bring you...

La tour est Folle

Yes, it's exactly what it looks like.

Loosely translated (and I do mean loosely) the toy is: The Tower is Crazy. I've been calling it "the Tower" for short. Why "the Tower"? Because it's a dildo of the Eiffel Tower, of course! This is easily the most unique dildo that I own, and I still can't get over the shape!

At it's heart, the Tower is a basic straight dildo made out of ~~PVC, which is not my favorite~~¹ ~~material, but I can accept it if I have to.~~
*CORRECTION* 6-19-13
Like I mentioned at the start of this review, I'm doing this with the help of Google translate, and probably not surprisingly, some mistakes were made. The Tower is not made out of PVC, but TPU which is a non-porous and hypo-allergenic.
The inside of the Tower is completely hollow, which makes this a surprisingly light toy. Now, when it comes to G-spotting toys, I like heavy. But for straight-dildos, lighter is gooder. It means I can thrust for a long time without my wrists getting sore.

I can see all the way to Paris!

And with about 6.25" of insertable length, thrusting is something I'm totally doing! I never thought I'd say this about a straight-up straight dildo, but I actually really love the way this one feels! It's smooth and soft and provides a great filling sensation with its 4" circumference (measured right below the "head" of the Tower). The head is very slightly bulbous, which I personally like. It's got a circumference of 4.25" inches, which is a slight enough difference to not be over challenging. There is a very small seam right under the "head" which is easily felt with your finger-tips, but honestly, I didn't feel it at all when the toy was inside of me. There are other seams on the base of the tower, but since I really don't think you're supposed to put that part inside of yourself, it shouldn't be a problem.

Don't put this part in your vag please

Speaking of having this thing inside of me... I like it! It is a genuinely pleasant experience. I'm going to be honest and say that I don't often use dildos on my own when I masturbate. My go-to toys tend to be vibes, because there's less thrusting and more insta-gasms. But this is a dildo that I can and do use on my own. The "windows" in the base of the tower are perfect for me to slide my fingers into, so instead of thrusting in and out, like I would with a more traditional dildo, I can actually pull the Tower into my vag! I love that! It's a unique way of masturbating (at least for me), and I'm a fan of this method.
And never fear, the Tower is partner-friendly too! Again, it's the "windows" that give a great place to grip and thrust without getting sore wrists.

The only issue that I seem to have so far with the Tower, is that it's a bit long for my tastes. I can sometimes feel the bulbous tip poking at my cervix if I get a little too enthusiastic. I think that's because of the pulling motion that I use (as described above, remember?), and it probably depends on where I am in my cycle² But other than that, I've found fucking the Eiffel Tower to be a very pleasant experience. And there's a sentence I never thought I would type.

Since I know some of you are looking at this toy and wondering "can I put that in my ass?" (and I love you guys for it), the answer is a tentative yes. Because of the flared base, this should be an anal safe toy. However, because PVC is a porous material, it will pick up some nasty stuff over time, so you might want to use a barrier like a condom for anal play, and never never never go ass-to-vag without changing the condom. You really don't want to be bringing the local ass-bacteria into your vag, it doesn't belong there and it will not be happy.

My two Towers :o)

So I think that just about wraps it up for the Tower. Now, I know what you're all going to ask next, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. The Tower is not available in the States, yet. The company is still trying to get a lot of publicity, and to build up a client-base. If you want to know more, you should check them out at their facebook page, and say hi to Sebastien for me!

When it becomes available, I'll let you guys know and update the post with a link to buy one. Because really, who wouldn't want to fuck the Eiffel Tower?

*UPDATE* 12-2-13
Hey guys! I just heard that the tower will soon be available for purchase in the U.S.! I'll keep you posted!

The Tower was provided to me for free in exchange for my honest review! Thank you again to Sebastien Lecca for sending it to me and putting up with all of my questions! I enjoyed my "trip" to Paris.

1 Usually, I only use/review toys that are made out of 100% non-porous materials like silicone, glass and steel; but I made an exception for the Tower. Partially because my French is rusty (read: non-existent), and I wasn't actually sure what the toy's material was before I got it, and partially because I just couldn't resist a dildo shaped like the freakin' Eiffel Tower!
*NOTE* See corrections above.^↩

2 Some people menstruate, get over it. :oP^↩

Mini Mail-Call

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 21:32:00 +0000

I just wanted to throw-up a quick, mini, mail-call post to share two things that were delivered to me today.

First up is a new "mini" vibe from FunFactory called the Flash (there will be many super-hero jokes to be had, I can already tell):

It's orange, I die! :o)

Look for a review of this cute little vibe before the end of June. Or, you could subscribe, and be notified when it goes up.

And second, while this isn't really toy-related at all, I just had to share it. Our wedding rings came in the mail today! I haven't opened the package yet, as I'm waiting to see my fiance tonight and we'll open it together. But I'm super psyched!

Alright, that about wraps up this Mail-Call. Look for two exciting new reviews coming in the next few weeks, and maybe even a bonus review if I can find a few extra hours to rub together.

C-C-C-Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 22:52:00 +0000

Hello there wonderful lovely folks! How are you on this fine June day?

I just wanted to throw together a quick post to talk about some of the changes you've all been noticing on the blog. Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong... probably.

Let's get right to it, shall we?

First, and biggest, I've moved! Domains that is. Yup, that's right, I've got my very own, brand-spanking-new domain name now! Right at the top of the page! Did you notice it? Did ya? 'Cause I couldn't shut up about it on twitter. :o) What can I say? I'm excited. It's like a milestone for me in terms of my blogging and reviewing. I sort of started out reviewing as something fun to do in my spare time. But over the past few months I've gotten much more serious about it, and I'm honestly just having too much fun to quit now. Buying my domain is a way for me to show that I plan to be doing this for a while.

Next (and not quite as exciting) you might have noticed my shiny new social media buttons right over there in the side bar. Clicking on them will take you right to my RSS feed (you should subscribe! Was that subtle enough?), my twitter account, and my facebook page.

Which brings me to my next piece of news... I've got a facebook page now! It's at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Septimus-Reviews/459266304155130?fref=ts, which is long and awkward to type, so go ahead and just click on the shiny new button (come on, you know you want to!). And while you're there, you can "like" the page if you want to. Which means that every time I post a new blog entry, or share something super-duper cool, it'll pop up in your "timeline". You won't have to check the blog obsessively (like you do), to see new posts and reviews anymore!

But, if you do hit F5 like it's going out of style, then you've probably noticed something else new, namely, my GoodVibes banner! I'm now part of their affiliate program, and I'd absolutely love it if you used my affiliate link when getting some goodness over there. You can do that by clicking on their banner (and isn't it a pretty one?), or clicking on their link under the "Stores I Love to Support" list! Again, I do get a commission from these sales, but it's not paying my rent or anything, so don't sweat it if you're not interested. Although they're just a really cool store in general, and you should support them, you know, 'cause they're cool and junk.

Well, I think that just about wraps things up for now. I've probably bored you fine people to death already anyways. But if I haven't, and you're still hanging in with me...

Stay tuned for some exciting reviews coming up over the rest of the month. I'm going to be reviewing the weirdest toy it has ever been my pleasure to own (and that includes my tentacle), La Tour est Folle! I will also (hopefully) be reviewing a brand new vibe by FunFactory (courtesy of edenfantasys). And, if I have enough time between Works and wedding planning, I'll be reviewing that tentacle I mentioned.

Alright, scram. No loitering! :o)

iReview iGino

noreply@blogger.com (Septimus) — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

You guys have no idea how excited I am to finally be reviewing this toy! I wanted to have this review up last week, but real life stuff (specifically planning my wedding) has gotten in the way. But never fear! Septimus is still here, with a review of the...

iGino One

A little background before we jump right into things?

About a month or so ago, I was approached by the "iGino Team" and asked if I would be interested in reviewing a new and innovative clit-vibe. They sent me their press-packet, which included this video:

I just love the way she says "massager"!

I have to admit that as a DIYer, I love the idea of creating a toy simply because you want to use it, but it's not yet on the market. Whether the iGino is as revolutionary as it claims, remains to be seen, but I have to applaud the initiative.

The iGino is a new clit-vibe that was crowd-funded over at indiegogo.com.

The whole shebang is the same size and basic shape as an iPhone (hence the name...) so if discretion is important to you, this toy would definitely work, at least on that front. Once you pop open the lid, however, the illusion is shattered (unless the new iPhone comes with a vibrating head? I don't know, I have an Android).

As you can see from the picture, the iGino One has a little, uh, nubby bit on the top. This is the part that you're supposed to press up against your parts. As you might have guessed, it vibrates. Or rather, it employs the iGino's patented "vibraMoove" technology. When I watched the video, I was sort of under the impression that the head would move backward-and-forward and side-to-side, in a circular type movement. But this doesn't seem to be the case. The head does move very quickly, which I count as a plus (since it means more intensity), but that does make it rather difficult to actually watch the movement. As near as I can tell, the head simply moves side-to-side, albeit rather quickly.

I like this movement. I can't exactly tell if it's all that different from other types of vibrations (like the company clearly claims), but when it's pressed up against my clit, I really don't care. It provides a very intense sensation, like a pin-pointed vibration directly to my clit. This is the only toy I have that has such a small head (for lack of a better descriptive term). My other clit-vibe has a much broader area, which allows for more stimulation of my labia and vulva, but less precise stimulation on my clit.
Which do I prefer? Honestly, it depends on what kind of mood I'm in. Generally though, broader stimulation = a more relaxed pace and more build up; and pin-point stimulation = getting off faster and dirtier!

The iGino One also comes with an... attachment? It's this strange little flower like thing:

Huh?

that you're supposed to slip around the moving head to provide a softer feeling. I've tried it, and let me tell you, it did nothing but get in the way, at least in my humble opinion. After a few uses the little flower (which is just made of plain old foam) warped and deformed and doesn't quite fit anymore. But that didn't really bother me, I wasn't planning on using it much anyway.

An important note:
Remember how I said that the iGino was discreet? Well, that kind of only applies to it's appearance. You might not know what this thing is when you look at it, but turn it on and you'll know exactly what you're looking at. Okay, maybe not exactly. But the choices are going to be either a vibrator, or an electric razor.

Translation = this thing is loud.

I actually tested it, and with the TV on, the iGino running under a blanket, and my door closed, I couldn't hear it. But it took all of that to muffle the sound. So if you're in a shared sleeping-quarters type arraignment and don't want your roommate or partner to know what you're up to, you might want to skip on this one (or buy them a nice pair of noise-cancelling headphones, your choice).

You're probably wondering about the material, well wonder no more, I'm going to tell you all about it. The iGino is made out of a basic hard plastic, which means that it's non-porus and can be easily cleaned with a little bit of anti-bacterial soap and water. I really shouldn't have to spell this out, but DON'T BOIL THIS TOY! Not only will the plastic melt but Hello! it's got a motor and never claims to be water-proof. Again, DO NOT BOIL! You will ruin your toy (and possibly your pride).

The packaging was pretty nice. Not LELO nice, but nice. It comes in a stiff-paper box with a nested lid. I had a hard time getting it open initially, and had to shake the thing a few times to get it loose, not sure how good that is for the toy. Once the box was opened, however, I was really impressed with the contents. The iGino charges via USB, and comes with it's plug built right in, which means that you can go ahead and plug the toy into your computer to charge.

I can't stop flipping this thing open and closed, it's very... fidgety

But what if I don't have a computer? you ask. What if I have to share a lap-top with my little siblings and I'm reading this blog-posting at the library!!! (and I love you for that), never fear! The iGino One can also be charged in an outlet with the USB-to-wall adapter that comes with it. Since the iGino comes from overseas (Europe), the company has very thoughtfully included an additional adapter for American outlets.

It's a little bulky, but it works!

TL;DR?

The iGino One is a new clit-vibe that uses a patented technology called "vibraMoove" which kind of just feels like ordinary vibrations. The moving head is very small however, so it gives great pin-pointed stimulation that can get me off fairly quickly when pressed right up against my clit. Be warned: this little thing is loud. The toy is made out of non-porous plastic and can be cleaned (carefully) with antibacterial soap and water. It's USB-chargeable, but comes with everything you'll need to plug the sucker into your wall outlet (American or European).

Would I recommend the iGino One?
Now, there's a tricky question.

Let's look at the pros and cons, shall we?

Pros:

Compact size
Easy to use
Pin-Pointed vibrations
You'd be helping out a start-up company

Cons:

Really loud
Vibrations are similar to other clit-vibes
Expensive

On the one hand, it's not a bad little clit-vibe, but at about $100 (which is what the iGino team plans on marketing the toy for), it sure is an expensive little clit-vibe. There are plenty of cheaper toys out there, but at least this one comes with the added benefit of helping out a new company that's trying to market toys people actually want to use.

So in the end, it's your choice. If you're interested in trying out the iGino, you can pick one up over at http://i-gino.com/. To my knowledge, this toy is not currently being carried by major retailers, but who knows, that might be right around the corner!

Thank you so much to the iGino Team for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest review! Thanks guys, you really made my day!

P.S. Enjoy the rest of National Masturbation Month while you still can!

*UPDATE 6-2-13*
I've heard from the people over at iGino that their on-line store is currently undergoing some technical difficulties. I'll let you know as soon as it's back up and you can buy an iGino again!
In the mean time, you can check them out over at twitter, or facebook.