sequins and glitter

new men

2009-10-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

I've been making every effort available to be social lately--accepting invitations, extending some myself, following up on casually-mentioned events--so I can meet new people and establish a social network here at school. I think it's going pretty well.

The first couple of weeks, I looked around at the men available to me and realized the pickings are slim. A lot of dudes in this program are married, and a lot of others are gay, and lot of others are... well, total nerdbombers. And I say that as a fairly nerdy human being.

So after making some initial assessments, I found some friends and decided we'd have to employ the "they get cuter as you get to know them" method that's worked so well in the past. There was (/is) one guy who I think is maybe kind of cute (though I don't think I'd find him as cute if I still lived in the big city; hard to say), and so I've been passively exploring that option, mostly for my own amusement.

At a house party this weekend, I decided he is definitely the best choice in the program and made every effort to be pleasant and friendly but in no way forward; this is a marathon, not a sprint. However, somehow in the course of conversation, during which I was joking around about philosophy or something, my roommate came up (wasted) and told him and another new friend of ours to ignore me because I make stuff up all the time. Which, um, is only true in the sense that I joke around a lot, and it's always clearly a joke.

I don't think anyone honestly believed I disagree that cause and effect are related, particularly since we were all laughing when I said it.

But my new roommate is actually not the subject of this story. (Possibly others later, though.)

In any case, I felt this was a mild blow to my image with this new fellow, but I figured we're in the "getting to be acquainted" phase so probably no irreparable damage was done.

BUT THEN! He ruined everything.

It turns out he's the kind of guy who takes a couple of people in to a back room and plays the Dave Matthews Band on guitar to them during a house party where everyone else is drinking and dancing. I am not in favor of this kind of party behavior!

So, a hurdle, we might say. Back to the search!

the time I was in a porn

2009-10-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Once, when I was dating one of my ex boyfriends, we were invited to a house party with several of our friends. The party was mostly couples, though only a few were serious, and my friend had offered to host us all after a night out on the town (or at some event, I don't really remember) since his family was out of town.

His house was oddly set up, with some weird expansions that didn't make a lot of logical sense, so when we all chose sleeping locations, my boyfriend and I ended up in a closet off the living room, which had been converted in a guest bedroom. The doors were still closet-style, including a gap between the top of the door and the door frame, which was kind of funny, but we figured everyone would go to bed around the same time so whatever.

Unfortunately, not everyone went to bed at the same time. My boyfriend and/or I got tired of the festivities (or maybe just horny?) and we decided to call it a night before most of the rest of the revelers.

We retreated into our closet-room and decided to have a little roll in the hay, so to speak, before calling it a night. Everyone else who was also boning had cleverly chosen rooms not directly next to the common areas, so we became the focus of the non-intercoursers' attention.

We heard whispering and weird noises, but thought it wasn't much to worry about, since we were separated from the living room by less than a door. Probably our friends were just hanging out and being weird, as always.

But then one of us glanced over at the doorframe, where the lens of a video camera was poking through the gap.

"OH SHIT!" someone exclaimed, and we saw the video camera disappear and the sound of giggles and retreating feet.

Later my boyfriend negotiated possession of the tape (one of those super mini ones you need a converter thing to watch in a regular VCR), because we felt uncomfortable having a random friend of ours hold on to such a potentially sensitive piece of video.

He watched it (for some reason I wasn't around to do so with him) and reported that it's so grainy and unfocused that all you can see is one of us on top of the other (apparently which is which is impossible to tell, even though I have long blond hair and he has short, dark hair) and that the person on top looks over at the camera, the camera falls, and feet are visible running away.

I guess our friends were really anxious about this, thinking he and I would be super, super pissed. I don't remember how we reacted the night it happened, but once it became clear that our friends were just being idiots, I don't think I was particularly pissed. I think, honestly, that I was a little embarrassed about leaving the party early to have sex and getting caught in the act. That's not very social of me!

I've still never seen the video, and as far as I know my ex either still has it or destroyed it. I'm not particularly worried about it, though in this youtube era maybe I should be.

And that is the story of my very own sex tape scandal.

youth

2009-10-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

My life happens, these days, on a college campus.

Not that that's terribly unusual. I'm in a program at a college and I'm in my 20s and there's nothing crazy there. But it's strange, walking around a college campus every day, after a couple of years of engaging with the world off a college campus, to notice how really, really young everyone is.

I've seen kids who I'm sure are elite college athletes (it's hard to tell, since everyone wears only collegiate apparel at all times, athletes and couch potatoes alike), but they just look like kids to me.

When we sit at home and watch college basketball, we're putting our time and energy and passion and money into a bunch of nineteen-year-old kids who don't know how to write a thesis statement.

Very weird.

So mostly, where I'm going with this, is that I've realized that I really value being an adult.

I'm past the point where sneaking alcohol is an adventure, and I don't want to date or hook up with anyone who still has to do that. I have a Bachelor's degree and (finally!) a life plan: I know what I'll be doing forever. I'm sympathetic to people who don't know that yet, but I guess I'm kind of over the phase where you don't know that and you sit on your mom's couch while you figure it out (with exceptions, I guess, given the economy).

And it's kind of cool. I'm excited about being an adult. And I'm excited about maintaining some of the trappings of youth, including my general appearance and spryness, plus the part where my parents are holding my student loan for me until I get a job (they're a lot nicer than my original lending institution when it comes to explaining that I have no income right now), while still being independent and making inroads on my future.

Even though I know our culture is obsessed with everyone being seventeen and hot forever, I'm glad to be where I am instead.

great dates

2009-10-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Not that I've gone on a lot of great dates lately, but a wonderful weekend with my girlfriends got me/us thinking about what kind of date ideas we love, and I thought, in the interest of being service-y, I'd start a collection for you. Feel free to add more in the comments.

Minor League Baseball
This is a great, casual, cheap date idea. It's mellow, generally not crowded, and has the potential for fun banter. If neither of you has any particular allegiance to a team, you can each choose one to root for and bet something on the outcome--say, loser has to buy ice cream after.

Artsy Movie
Whereas a trip to the multiplex to see the latest Transformers film is a pretty tired date idea, the novelty of seeing something off the beaten cinema path adds some fun. You're doing something familiar, but with an academic or independent twist. Often the theaters showing independent and artsy movies are more romantic (or at least have more character) than the mall theater, too. Afterwords, you'll have the opportunity to work through the interesting ideas and questions raised by the movie. (There's a reason movies are a classic date--built-in conversation starter!)

Mini Golf, A Walk in the Park, or the Zoo
I lump these together (also the aquarium or fair) because the concept is the same: do something semi-active but not too mentally involving. You'll have a chance to pal around and chat, but with stuff around you providing extra topics for conversation. If you're even more active or athletic, you could go on a run, hike, or climb together, too.

A Culinary Experiment
You could sign up for a cooking class, or, if you're into saving even more money, you could whip up something at home. Either way, you're doing an interesting, new, and engaging activity to have fun together, and then you end up with a meal. Perfect! You can make it even more involved by going together to the grocery store and choosing your ingredients, either based on a recipe you've already found or what you feel like making up on the spot.

Play Tourist
I was going to say that this could be especially fun if you're both from the area, but if you're both new this might be even more useful. Sign up for a cheesy tour or check out a guidebook from the local library. Poke around, seeing the touristy things you've never seen or spent time on, and make sure to take breaks for coffee or drinks!

Happy Hour
Ask around or check online for a cute, fancier bar or lounge with really good prices on drinks and/or food. Or make it a regular occasion, where you try new places on a weekly or monthly basis.

Pumpkin Patch, Corn Maze, Apple Picking, or Haunted House
These wholesome autumn activities are super cute to try out with someone you're getting to know (or someone you already know pretty well), plus they get you excited about the best holiday ever! Haunted houses and corn mazes in particular encourage you to "rely" on your date to get through safely, which promotes bonding. If you go to the pumpkin patch or apple orchard, you can use your new produce for an after-activity: carving jack-o-lanterns or making a pie or cider! Multi-date potential in one activity. Also, lots of rural-y places have several of these all in one place, so you can double or triple up on your seasonal fun.

You'll notice that a common thread among these activities is that they'd probably be equally fun to do with good friends as a date. My favorite kind of date lets you spend time together, bond, learn something/try something/experience something, and then talk about it together, which are also the kinds of things I like to do with my friends.

Once you know each other well enough to just lounge around, my favorite thing to do is a movie or TV-show marathon. Choose a trilogy of movies (say, Back to the Future or Indiana Jones) and watch them all in a row, or a season of a TV show. Take an occasional break for coffee, brunch, or to pick up snacks. Best post-copulation day ever!

fitting in

2009-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

It's weird to be a graduate student around a campus of regular undergrads, in part because everything around campus is geared toward 18 year olds. Our campus, which is not in a particularly happening town (or if the town is happening, I haven't seen that yet), is something like 15% graduates, which isn't actually a terrible percentage, when you think about it. On the other hand, the graduate departments are pretty separate from one another, so while there are several hundred other post-grads living and studying around here, it'll take a little sleuthing to find them.

So in the meantime, I've been going to recreational dance classes, where I'm making "new friends," most of whom are undergrads. So this weekend I went out with a girl from one of my rec classes, to a music show, and after we were invited to a house party.

We deliberated for a few minutes, but ultimately decided to go to a bar instead. (We had heard a rumor, that turned out to be true, that you get free food with your beer.)

I was honestly relieved. I am all about random adventures, but also, I'm 23 years old. I know I could pass for an undergrad, but I don't think I look 18 anymore. I'm not a teenager!

What does a graduate student wear to a house party like that, particularly when not armed with other college-grad friends? My besties back home and I have plotted to crash a fraternity party at the local university, and in that case, it would just be hilarious. But here, since I actually have to do things around campus, including teaching and tutoring, isn't it a little bit awkward to roll into a house party? I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it.

But then! I wonder, what the hell does one wear to a college party in 2009? I am not particularly into skinny jeans; you should know that right now. I used to go to bars and parties in jeans and a college tee-shirt, but probably here they wouldn't take too kindly to me wearing my undergrad institution's colors and logo (semi-rivals, though not directly). Also, I don't look very good in this school's colors. I just feel like the trend for kids today is skinny jeans, stripes or checks, and too much eyeliner. Also everyone looks like they've never met a hairbrush.

Yeah, these are the sounds of Sequined being a crotchety old person.

I'm just figuring out how to find a place here and how to fit in. It's surprisingly weird. I mean, I'm the new kid on the college campus, but I've already done college! Probably the moral of this story is that I'll never be able to move once I'm an adult; I don't do this settling in thing very well.

my new life

2009-10-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

Confession: I kind of imagined that I'd move here to grad school, leave behind my damaging (but fun) habit of hooking up with all my male friends, engage intellectually with lots of dudes interested in the same things as me, and, in not too long, find a liberal feminist intellectual who likes to run or hike or whatever dudes do around here and we'd fall in love or at least bone sometimes.

Now, I've only lived here a few weeks so far (by which I mean... 2.5ish), but I can already tell that this is going to be a smidge harder than I was hoping.

Why?

Well, it turns out--and I know this is going to shock you--that the grad students in my program are huge nerds.

As a nerd myself, I find this pretty fun in certain quantities. But when I'm out at the bar on a Friday night, and all they can talk about is their preferred school of theory/their preferred authors/blah blah, I kind of want to exclaim, "Can we talk about anything else anyone here is interested in besides school?" And then when more than half of them vacate said bar at eight PM because... they want to go read? I don't know, dudes, but I'm not having any of that nonsense.

Furthermore, and I know this will also shock you, it turns out that a large percentage of guys in this particular graduate program (a graduate program with a big emphasis on gender studies...) is gay. OMG whoever would have guessed?

My hopes are not completely dashed; I'm waiting for things to settle down so I can separate the irredeemably boring folks from the overwhelmed-at-first-but-better-after-a-couple-weeks normal ones. Because I'm sure a certain number are just taking their time to figure out that they secretly want to be more fun than they're currently being.

But moral of my story: this is not going to be easy.

And while I wait for true love with a fellow graduate student, what is our policy on sleeping with undergrads?

recovery

2009-09-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how hard it can be to let go of old love interests?

Of course after actually dating someone, it's kind of expected that it'll take you a while to recover.

I felt like I got over my first boyfriend relatively (relatively!) well, maybe because I broke up with him and honestly felt like it was the right decision. We took a summer off from talking to each other, during which I showed some solid resilience in ignoring stupid comments made by his BFF's obnoxious sister, who tried to tell me what a bitch I was every time we ran into each other around town, and also during which he slept with one of my BFFs, but since I knew she had been angling for that for ages and also since I had recently broken his heart, I didn't get mad at anyone for that. Eventually, when we both moved away for school, we reconnected as pals (and also drunkenly boned once or twice) and it wasn't really a crisis.

When he started dating other girls, I was cool with it. Like, honestly cool with it.

The only time we had a hiccup in our actually-being-over-each-other saga was when he started dating his now-wife, who was pretty jealous. She made him delete my phone number and wouldn't let him talk to me, which made me really angry. At the time, I couldn't figure out how to articulate that without referring back to "what we had meant" to each other, so it sounded awkward and emotionally entangled. Now I think I just didn't know how to say "it hurts my feelings that I'm losing a friend in this way."

So, you know, we both grew up and now we're fine. (Minus the radio commercial thing. Like I said, that was weird.)

And that's not atypical, I don't think, of people you actually dated and cared about and saw a future with at one point.

But when it's someone random, I think the getting over process is weirder and more confusing.

F'instance:

With Hot Grad, I was kind of butt hurt for a while about how he had started dating another girl instead of me, and kind of sad because I kind of thought it'd be fun to hang out and get to know him better. But I guess I had mostly imagined that we'd have a casual fling-like thing, and then he never actually stopped acknowledging that I am a human being he is somewhat friends with, so the combination of my non-gooey expectations and his humanity/friendliness made it, in fairly short order, a non-crisis.

I recovered, and now we're still casually friends. Not a big.

With the Musician, I distracted myself such that my sadness about him re-dating his ex instead of me eventually faded without me really noticing. The other day I realized I was joking about it without secretly hoping my friends would give me insight into the Musician's life or anything. I just kind of thought it was cute to think about and joke about. Without ulterior motives.

And honestly, even though I loved (loved) the Musician for over a year, I can now see, through non-crushy-eyes, that we probably wouldn't have ever been much. We could have been (and perhaps should be) good friends, but our awkward crushiness (which I do think was reciprocal, though his was shorter lived than mine) made that kind of difficult after he reconnected with his ex.

With Rich Friend, I found myself getting irrationally contemplative about our couple of hook ups and relationship (in the non-dating sense of the word, natch) for several months after he started dating his current girlfriend. I feel like my period of being kind of preoccupied by him and reflecting on "us" was completely incommensurate to our couple of months of being friends who hooked up twice during those months.

And I think, though I'm not sure, the distinction here is that I honestly believed Rich Friend wanted to be friends with me, in addition to wanting in my pants. He would call and invite me to meet him and his friends at a bar, or text asking if I wanted him and our mutual friend to pick me up a concert ticket since they were going to get a pair anyway, or invite me to a basketball game. He offered me a couch (which, yes, turned into a bed, but still) when I couldn't get home one night.

And even though in retrospect all this was almost certainly because he wanted to hook up (but not have sex!) at the time I thought I was making a close friend.

So I guess what makes recovering from a guy, or any relationship of any kind, hardest, is when what you imagined about your future is surprisingly and unhappily changed. When you thought you had made a new friend, or when you thought you had a casual thing all lined up, or when you thought someone was actually interested in you as a person, and those expectations get broken, that's when getting over is hardest.

Or that's my new theory, anyway.

What about you? What makes a relationship or fling hard to recover from?

closeted

2009-09-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Posting about my bed the other day made me realize that besides my actual boyfriend, I think I've only ever had two guys over (to hook up) in my bed.

One of them was the Skiier, the story of whom, if you've never read it, is one of the greatest in my sexual history. And possibly one of the greatest in anyone's sexual history.

The other was this cute guy I casually saw one summer in college. Without really realizing it, over time I developed a huge crush on him, I think in part because it was so convenient and we were already fooling around. Then I moved to Germany and that game ended pretty abruptly.

But before the casual courtship came to an early end, we were hooking up at least weekly, usually at his place. Since he had four roommates and I had only one, this was stupid, but that's how we usually did it.

One afternoon he stopped by my apartment for something--there was an ostensible reason, but it was obviously fake. I think I had asked to borrow something or vice versa. Possibly magazines, now that I think about it, because he had some internship that involved occasionally collage-making. Anyway.

He swung by my apartment and I got him his magazines (or whatever) and we chatted for a minute. For some reason I had to step away from the foyer/living room area for a second and when I came back he had disappeared.

I discovered, a moment later, that he was hiding in the closet.

I couldn't figure out why. I wasn't sure how much to indulge him or what tone this game was supposed to take on. I had assumed that he'd come by and we'd hook up, but until this point we'd been fairly business-like and I was confused.

I decided to play it like I would with a kid, and loudly announced that I couldn't find Ollie anywhere and he must have left and what should I do!

And then I really didn't know what to do, so I stood there for a minute.

And then I was like, well if you don't kind of play along somehow it's awkward for him to just hang out in the closet, right? So I pretended to look for him. And I really wasn't sure where this in-the-closet game was headed, so I tried to suspend my awkward uncertainty and just, you know, go for it.

It was really weird.

Eventually, when I had my back to the closet, he popped out, bounded up behind me, and started tickling me, leaving his jacket and his magazines and stuff in the closet behind him. I'm super, super ticklish, and I also know--universal rule of thumb, people--that when adults tickle each other, it is always flirtatious.

So now I had figured out that he meant hiding in the closet to be a playful thing that would transition us into flirtatiously hooking up. Good to know, though not super clear at the time. And once I had things figured out, I felt relieved and less weirded out by the hiding in the entryway closet situation.

So we were giggling and rolling around on the floor and eventually we were getting banged up enough on the tile or linoleum or whatever was on there that we had to move to the bed (you know, for safety!) and then we moved on to the more fun stuff.

So I think you can see that having dudes over to my place so far hasn't always been easy for me; I might be socially inept or maybe my previous apartments gave off bad vibes. Here's hoping that track record changes in this new place.

Luckily, my new front closet is too small to hide in.

beds

2009-09-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Moving made me do a lot of thinking regarding my bed.

I've had the same full-sized bed for several years now--since middle school, I think--and I took it with me on my move. (This necessitated renting a U-Haul, which I had no intention of hauling myself, so I had to enlist a sucker relative to do that driving for me. Luckily, people seem to think moving away for school is a good thing to help you with.)

A full used to seem pretty spacious, but honestly, if you get two people in it, it's not really that luxurious. It's adequate.

Once I had my full bed in my new apartment, I had to decide where to put it, obviously. I have long been of the opinion that it seems more "adult" to have your bed away from a corner, so that you (or others) can get in on either side. I think that's why it seems more adult: there's an implication that multiple people might need access.

On the other hand, when your bed is small-ish, having a wall up against one side almost offers you some extra space, in that your extra pillows and blankets don't fall on the floor if you push them off to the side.

But if you do have someone over while your bed is up against the wall, one of you has to crawl over the other if you have to pee in the night or something. Or, if you're like Sequined and once in a great while find yourself in bed with a guy you really are not excited about crawling over in the middle of the night, you might choose to scoot off the end of the bed, only to discover that this particular fellow has a sleigh bed, and you might end up with the bruise to end all bruises on the back of your thigh. Dangerous!

So it's a quandary of bed placement.

But since I plan to have people over occasionally--both innocently and less so--and since I have space, I figure keeping both sides of my bed accessible is the most functional idea.

These are the actual considerations I had while moving. No joke.

new chapter

2009-09-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

Where have I been, I can hear you asking.

Busy busy busy, but not of the getting variety, is the unfortunate answer to that query.

After the last wedding of the season, featuring the Bartender and his stories about his new girlfriend (whom I have since seen photos of on facebook and am choosing to judge as less pretty than I am, which I think I'm allowed to do to make myself feel better), I have done a lot of things that are probably non-thrilling for you readers.

The biggest news is that I moved. I live in a different city and different state than I did just a week ago, and I'm hoping that this means, for you guys, that I'll be meeting new people and having fun/funny/sexy experiences for this blog.

I'm going to be living here while going to grad school for the next two years, which feels almost like a step backwards, since this past year I was teaching, and I'm going to grad school to... teach. On the other hand, it's also a step forward in that I won't live with my parents anymore. So, pros and cons.

Mostly pros.

My new city is much, much smaller than my old one. The people here tend to be extremely liberal, but I think they also tend to smoke a lot of pot. So that's the kind of guy on my agenda, I guess.

Wish me luck!

radio

2009-09-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

In my car the other day I was innocently flipping through stations, kind of distracted by traffic, when I found myself absent-mindedly listening to a commercial for a local jeweler. I usually change the station at all commercials, and particularly engagement-band-themed ones, but for some reason I didn't notice this one was playing until I heard a semi-familiar voice say,

"Hey, I'm Sequined'sFirstBoyfriend and I want to thank LocalJeweler for making my wedding and engagement so special."

What the what!

I knew that First Boyfriend had been seriously dating a girl for like, five years now. And I also knew they were getting married somewhere in this time frame here. But I guess I hadn't really realized that that meant they are like, fully married right now.

And I don't mean to say it's a huge deal, because of course it's not. I rarely see him these days; we haven't so much as met for coffee in almost a year. I'm under the impression (based on a fairly dramatic incident several years ago) that his wife is sort of jealous and a smidge controlling, which I think influences our lack of continued contact.

But, again, it's not that I think we'd be BFFs anyway. He was (/probably is) a really nice, pleasant guy, and was a great boyfriend... when I was 17... and now is just a part of the backstory that is Sequined's past. People grow apart, we grew apart, we fell mostly out of touch, and that's not a crisis, or even necessarily his wife's fault (however dramatic she was in this previous incident).

Not a big deal.

But it was still really, really bizarre to hear him do a man-on-the-street commercial for a local jewelery store, exclaiming to the greater metro area about his wedding! I was afraid, for a second, it was going to be one of those where he tells the story of how he proposed, and I was both intrigued and really, really hoping not to hear about it.

It wasn't one of those commercials.

He just talked about how great the sales people are at the jeweler and how easy they made ring shopping. (I should probably give their name now, but I am not getting paid to promote them, and also I don't want everyone in the local area to know who my ex boyfriend is.)

Anyway, today facebook helpfully recommended a photo album to me, featuring four of my "friends," posted by a girl I haven't talked to since high school, whose brother was best friends with First Boyfriend. Bored and waiting for my stupid email to load, I clicked on it only to discover it was an album of First Boyfriend's wedding.

I am happy for him that he's happy (and I know he is super thrilled, even though we're not in constant contact) and I thought that was a fairly uncomplicated happiness--I hadn't felt anything weird about them getting married except for that radio commercial at all.

But looking at the photos was kind of uncomfortable. I felt like a voyeur. I felt kind of bad that I wasn't (and maybe couldn't be) invited to share this important moment with someone who was (/is) important to me. I felt a little resentful that this other woman, who is (or was four years ago) too insecure to let him have his high school girlfriend's cell phone number in his phone, is getting a lifetime of happiness with such a great guy. I felt a tiny bit bummed that he isn't aging as gracefully as I'd always imagined he would. I felt annoyed that people I didn't particularly care for in high school were invited to the wedding. I felt irritated that the bride super dramatically stole one of my major wedding ideas (which I can't share with the crowd, unfortunately, and which I'm sure she had no idea I was planning for my future hypothetical wedding, since she doesn't know me). And, lastly, I just felt disconnected.

Lots of feelings.

And I think that's all normal, and not too weird.

I don't think it makes me a jealous, irrational person. I think it just means I'm dealing with really, forever being done with a person I used to really care about. It means shifting feelings around a little bit, to think about this person not as "my ex boyfriend," but as a friend, maybe acquaintance, whose life is entirely, completely separate from mine. It's a transition I never had to think about before, even though I was living that way--by which I mean not waiting for the day he'd come back to me, or wishing we could go back, or thinking of him as anyone particularly more special than any of the other people who have come in and out of my life in the intervening time--and making it concrete is just... new, I guess.

The fact that people my age are getting married right and left is new. The fact that some of those people are getting married to people I wouldn't have expected or chosen is new. The fact that people I used to care greatly about are marrying other people is new. The fact that the first guy I ever slept with, the first guy I ever thought I loved, the first guy I really dated, is married to someone I don't know is very new.

And it just all takes some getting used to.

next wedding season

2009-09-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

Some of you commented on one of my recent posts (the wedding-themed one, if I recall correctly), that I go to a lot of weddings. I think that's because most of my friends are Catholic and thus getting married young-ish.

This spring, as you may recall, I was in a wedding. I wore this and looked pretty fabulous, if I do say so myself. (That's the model, not me. I think this is probably obvious, but I'm mentioning it anyway.)

Anyway, next summer promises to be one of many more weddings, particularly since another of my close girlfriends called last night to exclaim that her boyfriend just proposed.

I am going to be in (at least) two weddings next summer, and the odds of me being Maid of Honor in one or both of them are extremely, extremely high.

I am currently the geographically closest bridesmaid to both brides, and as such have agreed/decided to throw bridal showers for both. So since I want to do this right and I want to be wizened by the lessons of a wedding season coming to an end, I ask you readers for your wedding/wedding party/shower-throwing advice.

For one of the brides, I am thinking about renting the party room at a local bakery and having a cupcake decorating party. I am sort of thinking, for favors, of making (yes, making) placemats or cloth napkins featuring some kind of cupcake for each guest, with a set of four or six for the bride as a gift. Her wedding is going to be fairly casual, probably with black bridesmaid dresses of our own choosing.

For the second wedding we're looking at matching blue dresses (and to be honest I'm lobbying for that same dress, just in blue, because it has pockets) and one of the other bridesmaids is going to co-host the shower with me. The bride's favorite color is blue, but she's pretty un-girly, so I can't recycle my cupcake idea.

So I need ideas, advice, tips, and tricks.

What is MoH etiquette, what tips do you have for throwing showers (or parties in general), how do you keep these things in budget, and what else do you think I should know? Any and all advice is appreciated!

love story

2009-09-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Possibly one of the best feelings in the world is being caught up in new love. When you're giddy and rushing and desperate to spend all your time together. When you have serious conversations way before you have to, just because it feels like "why not?" and you hurry to reach the next step because it's so fun and exciting and new.

And you're excited to talk about it but you don't want to annoy your friends with all your giddiness.

And occasionally, if you are one of those friends, it's kind of fun to indulge your friend and let him or her gush a little bit, because that giddiness can rub off on you a little bit, and you can get swept along in the romance of an impulsive love story.

But for some people, your giddy, exciting, thrilling love story is a lot less exciting. For the people you stop calling in your quest to spend every waking moment with your new flame, your joy is just another twist of the "I'm not into you anymore" knife.

So the next time you're giddy and in love and you're at a public event (let's say, a wedding reception, for instance) three seats away from the girl you basically completely abandoned at the beginning of summer, try to keep the "we're thinking about moving in together" talk out of her hearing.

Because, not that I would know this from experience or anything, but she will get upset and have to debate if drinking more will make her say something she'd regret, and she will eventually have to actively force herself not to yell at you "how serious can you possibly be if you were boning me this spring?"

And she will also force some other poor innocent friend to listen to her drunkenly whine about this a lot.

So just, you know, keep your joy and happiness and don't use it to hurt others. Moral of the story.

wedding goggles

2009-08-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

Even more than beer goggles, I think I get wedding goggles.

Every man I meet is cuter at a wedding than outside of one, and every man who is at all nice to me at a wedding is way more likely to get somewhere with me than usual (and the usual odds aren't that bad anyway).

My theory is that it involves the combination of suits, alcohol, and festivities, but I could be missing some important component.

People are just nicer at weddings, I think. At my good friend Bobbi's wedding earlier this summer, I met a guy at the rehearsal dinner (a cousin of the groom's, I think) who I thought was a total douche. But the next afternoon, as he fetched me a vodka sprite (his guess at what I was drinking, which was wrong but close enough), I thought, "hmm..." If I hadn't already put up a public fuss about him being obnoxious, I probably would have pulled him into the bathrooms for some alone time.

Similarly, last weekend at a friend's wedding, a couple of guys who I normally consider casual pals suddenly seemed very handsome and gentlemanly. You know, possibly because of their suits and constant offers to bring me more wine.

And again this weekend, at another wedding, a guy I had dismissed as not my type before the ceremony started suddenly seemed pretty suave during the reception. He took me for a swing around the dance floor and I started to have slightly impure thoughts. Or more than slightly. You know.

I guess it's also related to the romance in the air at a wedding. You see people celebrating love and you get excited about finding some--or just acting it out, maybe.

So all of that is probably why this morning I woke up snuggling with a guy acquaintance, whom I had completely forgotten is not a good kisser. (We had made out once in college; until last night I couldn't remember why it had been a one-time thing. Now I know.)

Wedding goggles made it seem like a pretty good idea at the time (also probably the regular old beer kind of goggles), and then in the morning when I realized snuggling in a hotel room with other couples around was awkward, I walked a mile uphill back to my friends' apartment, still in the dress I wore to the wedding but with my face and hair in considerably different shape.

On the way, an older guy walking a dog smirked at me and asked if I was on my way to church. Don't get sassy with me, Sir. I was at a wedding. That excuses even the worst behavior, I say.

Although it might not excuse the fact that the dress I wore to a full religious wedding is technically a nightie...

friendly drunk

2009-08-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am pretty friendly, as a general rule. I'm outgoing, glad to chat with new people, pleased to try new things, etc. If I'm out with just a couple of friends, I don't want to sit in a booth or at a table, because we'll meet more people and have a more adventurous evening if we're near the bar. You know what I mean?

Anyway, this trait gets super magnified when I'm drunk so that everyone is my insta-BFF.

This Monday night (Monday is the new Saturday--haven't you heard?) I was out with my friend Carter, who is possibly my drunkest and most impulsive friend. We had been with a group of her coworkers, but they all decided working the morning was more important than sampling the wares of every bar on the street. Carter and I did not feel this way and continued drinking until last call.

While we were doing this, we made a lot of random new friends, including an athletic-looking guy whose friend had disappeared (I think) to make out with someone. We ended up near him at the crowded bar and I started chatting.

Somehow we ended up exchanging contact info. All of it. Phone number, facebook, email, twitter, you name it, we had it. And this was like, before we had actually chatted very much.

I think this came up in conversation because we were comparing Carter's iPhone and his Blackberry. But I can't be sure about this.

Anyway, while Carter turned away to befriend a college kid on her other side (also exchanging all of her contact info, I later found out), my athletic man laughed about how banged up my phone is. As it works fine and isn't due to be upgraded for like... a year, I don't think this is a big deal and said as much. "Oh, I'll buy you a new phone," he laughed.

Even through the haze of a lot of booze, I realized pretty much at that instant that this guy was not for me.

Since we had already become besties, I decided that my best method for solving this problem was to make him not interested in me anymore.

Obviously!

So I talked about my "ex" (by which I mean the Bartender, whom I feel I pout about way more than is reasonable), talked about how feminist and independent I am (ahem, Mr. I'll-Buy-You-Stuff), talked about how I'm moving (which is true), talked about how I'm a bad girlfriend.... You know, everything I could think of.

Later, as Carter and I consumed an entire pizza (which we ordered after ordering and eating single slices and deciding they were good enough to justify a whole pizza), she asked, "why didn't you just say you weren't interested?"

When I was still drunk, I explained at length why that wouldn't have possibly, ever worked.

But now that I'm sober, and now that he's called two days in a row, I realize that my method was definitely not the smartest one.

If you're a friendly drunk, like me, the moral of this story is: just come out and confess that you're not interested when you're not interested. Even if you're drunk. Probably especially if you're drunk.

liking more

2009-08-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

One of the big perks of dating and relationships is knowing that the person you like likes you back.

One of the fun parts of flirtation is figuring out how much you like each other.

And one of the big benefits of commitment, like marriage, is promising to love each other most for a long, long time.

And those things, obviously, are all good when they work out like they're supposed to. But everything, I feel, breaks down when the "levels" of liking are notably uneven.

One of my married friends and I had a girly evening recently, and she said she's not worried about her husband cheating on her. Good for you, I thought. You can only control your actions, and trusting your husband is great. But to my surprise, she went on to say that if anything happened in their marriage, she would be glad for the opportunity to start over, have fun, and build a new life. "I'd worry a lot more about me cheating than him," she said, "because I think he loves me more than I love him."

And I don't think finding your day-to-day levels of "love" or even "like" mismatched is super weird (probably my married readers can chime in on that issue), but her suggestion was that for the entirety of their relationship, she has thought he loved her more. Not because she doesn't love him--she clearly does--but because for some reason she has decided he loves her more.

I don't know why.

It made me really sad, though. Maybe I'm sad selfishly, since I love both members of this couple both as individuals and as a couple. Or maybe, also selfishly, I worry about what it says about relationships in general, since this is a marriage I have admired as a (seemingly) particularly good one.

I honestly think their relationship is fine; I don't think her saying that means their marriage is doomed. I would like to believe she says that for other reasons unrelated to how happy she is in her marriage.

But I do think, in general, that disparate levels of liking each other, commitment, attraction, compassion, whatever it is that makes up "love," cause trouble in relationships.

When a guy calls me more often than he even crosses my mind, I realize that we're not going to work out dating. Or even hanging out, in a lot of cases. And vice versa. I try, generally, to give up on a guy who clearly never thinks about me. (Well, I sort of try. You know all about that.)

In small doses, uneven attraction can work out okay, I think. If a guy comes off a little over-eager, I can occasionally find it endearing enough to give it a try. (So far, just so you know, this has never worked the other way around as far as I know.)

But the line between kind of sweet and creepy/sad is pretty definite. I am never unsure about whether or not I'm creeped out by a dude's affections. I either like it or I don't.

And so I wonder why it seems to work for this girl in her marriage (or maybe if it doesn't work for her) and why it usually doesn't seem to for everyone else. What do you guys think about liking someone (consistently) more or less than they like you? Can it work, or only under certain conditions? What are your experiences with disparate levels of liking and loving?

big numbers

2009-08-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

When I was drunk this weekend with a friend and her great-aunt (a sassy old lady with a film container full of pot in her sleeve, no joke), I told them how many guys I had slept with.

This came up in conversation because my newly-married friend was lamenting that her husband was the only man she's ever had sex with, and she wonders if she should have "sown her oats," so to speak, before marrying her first real love. Even though she knew she'd end up with her husband, what if she could have taken some time off, hooked up with randoms, and come back wiser and less curious? She was genuinely concerned about this.

I was laughing about how I would probably not have those kinds of regrets since my sex life had headed (heh) in a different direction, and she asked how many guys I had slept with.

(Actually, I might remember this wrong, since we had each had a bottle of red wine, but I think she asked how many penises I had seen, which is a number I could not count very easily, and so I responded with something like, "I don't know, but I've slept with X number." That would probably make it funnier, since it's such a cute question.)

I don't think the "number" is a big deal, as I think I've said before, and I really don't think it should matter to anyone. I usually keep mine on the DL just because. I could go on a long justification, but basically I choose to be mysterious about it. And it rarely comes up, so it rarely matters anyway.

But in any case, this was the first time I'd announced to anyone how many people I have slept with without feeling compelled to tell any of the stories and without even, I think, even thinking about any of the specifics. I just said the number without any caveats or explanations or excuses.

And it wasn't a big deal.

Because it's not.

But for some reason I expected it to be a big deal. Which means that for all my protests about it seriously not mattering at all, I kind of secretly thought it did matter.

But after I laughed and said the big number, my friend's great-aunt asked, in her wheezy, cigarette-deep voice, absently because she hadn't heard what I'd said, "how many boys and girls?" and I laughed harder and said, "they were all boys, actually." And then we all three drunkenly giggled about sex and boys and penises and marriage for a while.

Sometimes it just takes some reinforcement for me to really take my own medicine.

advice columns

2009-08-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I was certain I'd become a psychologist. I based this belief/goal on the fact that I really, really liked hearing and "solving" people's problems. I think I've always been fairly good at offering a rational perspective to anyone but myself (and, occasionally, my closest friends whom I perceive to be aiding and abetting in their own heartache). Plus, it's fun to hear other people talk about their lives.

This might also be why I like blogs, come to think of it.

But these days I am not a psychologist. I spend my days reading and analyzing fictional lives (well, not lately, but in general), which are not quite the same. Though I guess imagining what a psychologist would say to certain literary figures would be a fun activity. So anyway, now I get my "problem solving" fix by reading advice columns.

Ask Carolyn is by far my favorite advice columnist. This kind of answer is why:

Dear Carolyn: Slept with the girl after the first date. The date and the sex were both good, but I don't think I want to see her again. There are a number of reasons, but part of it, honestly, is feeling like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I owe her a call today. What do I say?
-- Faux Pas

Faux Pas: So -- had you slept together after 10 dates, would you look forward to anything then? Is any sex worth having twice?
You have two choices. (1) Get your head out of your (dark place) and realize that a good, thoughtful, interesting, compatible person can provide you a lifetime's worth of things to look forward to, far beyond but also including a lifetime of good sex -- and you can take this opportunity to find out if she is such a person by saying, "I'd like to see you again. How's Thursday?"
Or, (2) Leave your head in your (dark place), and deny yourself a chance to know her. For that you say, "I don't want to see you again, because I can't see past the hypocrisy of being OK with my having first-date sex but not OK with your having it; and, because I lack the imagination and sensitivity to give it a try in spite of myself."
Your call.
--Carolyn

Hey Carolyn: If he had had a "nice first date" but hadn't hooked up, and wasn't inclined to have a second date, would your answer be the same? Or does the hookup raise the responsibility? I agree with your answer, I'm just not sure why.
-- First Date vs. First Hookup

First Date: Actually, that answer could go in all kinds of directions with even the slightest change to the facts. The two main facts I used were that they had sex, and the sex was the reason for not wanting a second date. The only fact you could change that wouldn't change the answer would be, "Slept with a guy on the first date."
I would have answered differently, in tone, mostly, even if the circumstances were identical, except that Faux Pas had cited a different reason for not wanting an encore. Say, it wasn't sex that turned him/her off, but instead that, in the light of morning, Faux Pas realized the date wasn't so great after all.
I would probably still suggest a chaste second date, just so both parties could get one more good look at each other as people -- thereby allowing that, not sex, to be their "last word."
Why? I guess I just believe in leaving as little wreckage in one's wake as possible, and this way, one person isn't left thinking: "S/he saw me naked and ran as fast as s/he could." There's no need to leave someone feeling cheap or stupid when you have a chance to prevent it just by giving somebody a chance.
--Carolyn

Dear Carolyn: I'd take it a step further and indict his "check-the-box" approach to relationships. Sort of like saying, yup been to Paris now, it was great, but I'm never going back again because I went once.
If this is a pattern, it's a really destructive thing.
-- Anonymous

Anonymous: Indeed, thanks. It would make Faux Pas the true beneficiary of seeing "Paris" again.

Obviously this is an issue I find interesting (dude's perspective on hooking up after the first date, plus hooking up versus holding out in general), but I think Carolyn deals with it non-judgmentally and gives good advice. So basically this whole post is just me making you read ask Carolyn so I can say I agree with her.

bjs v boning

2009-08-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

Recently when I was hooking up with a guy I liked a lot, I had been going down on him for what felt like a really long time and he wasn't coming. I could tell he was really into it, and it felt like he was about to finish, but it just wasn't happening.

I was torn. I wanted to finish (both for his benefit and my own pride), but I also didn't want to keep going forever if it was pointless.

I hate that, because I find it really satisfying to make a guy finish with a good blow job. Also I have this reputation to uphold, you know?

Also because, like I was saying, I wonder what my next action should be. Keep trying? Give up with a laugh? Ask him for advice? Offer to move on to boning?

(I've done all of these things in different contexts. I don't have a definite preference. I guess it depends on the dude and the situation.)

I was discussing this very issue with one of my dear friends who also loves going down and she said: "Sometimes I just sleep with a guy if I can't get him off from a blow job."

And even though that's not usually my plan of attack, I have been known to go in that direction. And I don't honestly think it's a terrible policy. I'm sure there are problems with it, but right now I can't really think of the cons.

What's your policy? When do you leave it at foreplay and when do you decide to bone?

And also, since I can't think of the cons of my friend's policy, feel free to supply them for me before I adopt it.

fresh perspective

2009-08-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny how it sometimes takes talking to your friends (and maybe rereading your own blog) to remember how you used to feel.

Justin, this douchey friend of my friends I have hooked up with a couple of times, moved away from our metro area the other day. We rarely see each other, since he was living pretty far from me, but we've run into each other once in a while lately. So while he was preparing to move, we were texting occasionally, and then it turned out the other night that I had to be near his house.

I jokingly offered to come say goodbye and he less-jokingly agreed that this was a great idea. Eventually, when my actual plans ended, I decided to just go ahead and visit him. We sat around watching TV for a while, joking about how lecherous he is and about how he hadn't yet packed for his move. After a bit we ended up cuddling, and after that, obvs, sucking face.

And you know, etc. But since I have more fun teasing him and making him chase me, I called a halt to things before he really wanted. Which I find delightful. It's a fun, powerful feeling to think a dude wants you that much.

(Also, sidebar, he's super enthusiastic about getting blow jobs and also super complimentary, so it is a pretty big ego boost to make him come that way anyway--sex might be a downgrade in this case. And his penis is pretty much perfect for deep-throating--I can do it without even worrying about gagging. Don't know how it works, but it does.)

Anyway. More information than you needed; you are welcome.

I was joking with some of my friends over the past couple of days about this silly decision to fool around with him before he left, and all of them were horrified.

"You hate Justin!" "Justin was so terrible to you!"

And I had to really think back about it to remember why I would have whined about him so much.

I know intellectually that he's kind of a douche, but today, in the summer of 2009, he strikes me as just kind of excited about getting ass. I also know that he can be kind of skeezy and over-eager, but I chalk that up to the same thing. Hardly a crime, and actually kind of flattering.

But two years ago, when we last hooked up, I didn't know him as well and didn't really expect that kind of behavior. Especially the morning after we fooled around, when he blantantly hit on every other girl we encountered while out to brunch with our friends, without even a glance my way.

Two years ago I was really dissatisfied with my body, sure I was monstrously fat (I wasn't, really, but I was "big for me," as I say) and self-conscious about male attention. He rested his hand on my stomach--my least favorite part of myself at the time--while we were hooking up and I felt miserably self-conscious about it. I felt fat for basically the first time ever. I kind of felt like he must be mocking me by touching me there. (He evidently wasn't--he also rested his hand there when we hooked up when I was much thinner.)

The only pro of my collegiate weight gain was that I was finally wearing a B-cup bra, about which I was kind of excited. But Justin talked frequently, openly, loudly about how much he loved really big boobs--you know, bigger than a B. He also hit on girls with them (including what I perceived to be extremely young girls, considering his age) in public, while I felt he hit on me only in private.

I attributed this to him being embarrassed about me--I was good enough to come to at night in the dark, but not good enough to public admit to liking (or just being attracted to).

After that incident, all my work outs were negatively colored by the idea of "getting skinny" and "showing Justin" what he was missing. I even briefly semi-considered getting implants, thinking that would really piss him off. Look how hot I am now and how you can never have it again!

The thing that's funny is that Justin should not have been important enough to have that kind of effect on me. He's just a friend of my friends I happened to hook up with twice that year. Unfortunately, circumstantially, he caught me during some emotionally low points, and I transferred a lot of that anger and unhappiness to him.

And honestly, probably a need for validation is the reason I hooked up with him (probably this most recent time too, realistically), and a part of the reason he focused on me as someone to make a play for in the first place.

So we were kind of taking advantage of each other, I now think. And that's both of our faults. And yeah, he's still skeezy and kind of a tool. But the way I felt after we hooked up was due in large part to my own insecurities, not him being an outright jerk.

Now I know him better, and I knew what I was getting into. And I think--think!--it won't become the emotional trauma it evidently was before. So far it just seems like a kind of funny story and fun romp. An easy orgasm, a light-hearted evening. So worth it, I think.

Not a big.

Although... probably I should have resisted the urge since I'm trying to get to know Rusty right now. Whoops.

I can only learn so many lessons at once, I guess.

repeating (and not repeating) mistakes

2009-08-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

So I had a post all planned about how I think I use having multiple "possibilities" as an excuse not to try to hard toward anyone, and while I think that's still true and will address it in the future, I am sidetracked by big news.

Last week I met some friends at a bar, including two semi-possibilities: my friend Party Boy's friend Rusty and that guy Justin I've occasionally, misguidedly hooked up with. They're Party Boy's BFFs, but they're not particularly close to each other.

Earlier in the day I had met up with a very drunk Justin and Party Boy at the Bartender's bar (yes, awkward), and Party Boy, knowing I have a very mild thing for his other friend Rusty ever since Rusty bought me a case of beer the first day we met, encouraged me to come out later when Rusty would be joining them.

It was an overall festive evening, including both guys telling me I looked nice. I was thoroughly flattered. I had to leave early-ish due to a transportation issue, which Justin dealt with by sending me suggestive texts and Rusty dealt with by pulling me aside on my way out and sadly saying he was hoping we'd get to hang out more. Be still my heart!

So nothing happened there.

But then this week, when I was out of town visiting a friend (not an exotic vacay, don't get jealous), I saw on facebook that it was Rusty's birthday.

When I see an opportunity, I seize it. So seize I did, texting him an offer for a birthday drink this weekend.

Friday night he texted me to ask where I was, but I was occupied nowhere near him, so I had to ask if I could get him a drink Saturday instead.

Then, last night, while I was celebrating another party with another friend, Rusty called me to ask if I could hang out. The first party had been going on for a while, so I figured it wasn't rude to duck out before everyone was finished and drove across town (which I possibly should not have done, given the number of drinks I'd had--for the record, I am strongly opposed to driving drunk) to meet Rusty.

He asked where we should meet, saying it would have to be somewhere walking distance to his apartment, since he was too drunk to drive. Another opportunity!

What if, I suggested, I met him there and we could walk to a bar together? And, you know, then I'd be stuck at his apartment in the event I maybe had a drink or two too many.

If you're wondering, that worked out exactly perfectly.

So now I have two issues:

1. I didn't really effectively follow the "make him wait" procedure I had sort of talked myself into trying out, just in case, and so now according to my friends he probably thinks I'm a whorebag.

2. I don't know what to do to now!

I learn lessons very slowly, I know. I guess I should invite him to do something fully clothed, and also maybe try the "being honest about what I want" thing. But maybe you guys have other, more specific advice?

glasses

2009-07-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

This post is going to sound like an especially-cheesy episode of Full House (and actually, probably was a cheesy episode of Full House--I think it happens to Stephanie), but it ends with an uplifting moral. Actually, that's the part that's like Full House, now that I think about it.

Whatever.

So fun Sequined fact: I have horrible eyesight. Like, can't function without corrective lenses, sometimes including just getting up to get water or something. Luckily, I know my way around my own bathroom and shower, or life would be way harder.

This is not unusual, I realize.

And, like most young women with bad eyesight, I wear contacts. Every day.

I own glasses, and I take them with me places (usually to wear between the bathroom and bed, wherever that may be), and I occasionally even wear them to work. They make me look kind of smart, I think.

But I can't wear sunglasses with them on, and I can't do anything athletic with them on, and I have zero peripheral vision with them on, and I do not feel cute in them.

So if I'm going anywhere, I put in my contacts.

One day recently-ish, I was planning to go to a party with a friend when I discovered that one of my contacts was ripped (that is, unwearable). Thinking I'd have to wear glasses to an actual party--with young people there--literally made me cry.

Yeah, I'm too sensitive about the glasses issue.

(I didn't have to wear glasses--I had a spare contact somewhere.)

But the past couple of weeks my contacts have been burning the shit out of my eyes. Wearing them at all hurts constantly. And the eye doctor can't see me for... two weeks! Also thanks to my bottom-of-the-barrel insurance, I have to pay for my appointment and refitting out of pocket. But that's not what I'm most upset about. What I'm upset about is wearing glasses until then.

So last night I was supposed to go out to a new, semi-swanky club with a friend. I had agreed to go weeks ago and had been looking forward to it. But then... glasses.

I felt ugly and awkward and out of place. No one goes out in glasses! Boys don't like girls with glasses! I was moping and sad for pretty much the whole afternoon leading up to it.

But then, a couple of random guys asked me to dance. And it wasn't a big thing--everyone was asking everyone to dance--but I was slightly buoyed by it.

And then this guy asked me to dance and said, "I like your glasses; they're really cute on you."

They're really cute on you!

And I thought, maybe they're not so bad. Maybe it's not such a big thing to wear my glasses. Maybe glasses aren't going to ruin my social life after all.

Insert family hug here.

getting over

2009-07-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

So after I creepily semi-stalked the bartender at his place of employment I told our mutual BFF about it, hoping I'd get the other side of the story later.

Then I jetted off to Europe for a week and forgot about getting the other side.

Then, the other day, I got back from Europe and was lazing around, re-adjusting to my home time zone when I saw both the bartender and our mutual BFF online. Having just spent days with a couple of girlfriends who were similarly frozen out by dudes they liked, I had been retelling the bartender story and moping about it (you'd think I'd be over it by now, but I am not, possibly because I haven't found anyone better in the meantime).

So, since he was on my mind and I was tired, when I saw him online I impulsively IMed him the word "yo." Probably should not have done that before conferring with our friend, come to find out.

"OH YEAH!" Friend said. "I didn't get to tell you since you left so soon after, but the FIRST DAY Bartender worked after you went into his bar, he came home and said some girl had been in there looking for him, and he couldn't figure out who it was at first, but then his coworker said you used to watch movies together and your name started with a [letter] and he said, 'oh, Sequined.'"

Awk. Ward.

While he was telling me this anecdote, Bartender sent me the following message:

"I heard you stopped by my work the other day."

Also awkward.

My super-suave response? "I did?"

Anyway. Eventually he had to actually get work done and said "we should hang out soon." I said "OK" but told our mutual friend I was still skeptical. He just laughed at me.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a smidge hopeful about it.

So then I was talking, also online, to another mutual friend of ours (Hot Grad Student, if any of you remember back that far, who is currently at school in a different city for some summer intensive thing) about just random things, evidently because he was avoiding a project of some kind.

Actually, before I get to the relevant part, I want to point out that my original feelings about Hot Grad would have been WAY stronger if I had realized what a fundamentally good guy he is--during this random conversation we were having (on facebook IM, to tell you how casual the medium was), he actually apologized if he ever acted awkward or made me feel uncomfortable after he started dating his girlfriend. Like, completely unprompted and out of no where, he said he hoped I'd never been made to feel weird when we all still hung out and he had a girlfriend. So anyway, that was sweet.

So we were chatting in that vein and he asked if it was weird for me that everyone had girlfriends now, and I said I just kind of felt bad that no one even wanted to be my friend now that they're all in couples, since I thought we were all friends first and people who sometimes drunkenly hooked up second, but whatever. (This results in my low self-esteem about my personality, since it has led me to conclude that my guy friends only want me around if they think they can get into my pants.) (Also, he was nice and reassuring about this.)

Then I said, "Well, everyone has a girlfriend except the bartender, as far as I know."

Hot Grad Student said, "he does. He's dating [that girl down the hall]."

I thought our mutual BFF would have mentioned this at some point, or that maybe it would have come up in our conversation before he said we should hang out, or something, but no.

And all along I was worried about this and telling myself not to be so paranoid and silly. But I guess it must be true if even the friend living across the country knows about it.

Sigh.

I know I've said like six times that I'm giving up on and getting over the bartender, but I just keep getting so sad about it! And also, this makes me feel even creepier about stalking him at his bar. What a psycho.

leading on

2009-07-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Men, Guys, Boys, Gentlemen, and Some Ladies,

Some common courtesy and generally acceptable social behavior has been decidedly lacking of late, and I want to come here to clear up a few things. Don't think of these points as rules, because they're not. They're the kinds of basic interpersonal communications standards all compassionate beings should just follow naturally. But for some reason, it seems a lot of dudes are not.

So we'll review. The following are things good guys should remind themselves to do:

1. Don't lead us on.
If you don't like a girl, find a way to politely, kindly, gently indicate that so that her heart isn't strung out for weeks or months on end while she waits for you to call or kiss her or just acknowledge she exists.

2. If you want to end things, do so.
The "just not calling anymore" thing is really not okay. The "suddenly acting like a casual acquaintance instead of a pseudo-relationship" thing is also really not okay. The "I barely know you all of a sudden even though last month we were hanging out super regularly" thing is even worse. Don't wait for a girl to get really excited about you and then all of a sudden drop off the face of the earth.

Although, disclaimer, I did sort of break up with a guy this way when I was fourteen (I'll say that again: when I was 14) and it worked out okay. We both sort of stopped calling and eventually I heard he was dating someone else. No feelings actually got hurt, so far as I know. But then again, we were really young and obviously not that into each other. So now that you're not 14, don't do that.

3. Even once things are over, if you have any compassion for the woman whose heart you just trampled, try to be conscientious of her feelings.
I'll illustrate this one with an anecdote: My BFF Kathleen was dating a guy (my most recent ex's BFF--they met through us) for two years. They were discussing marriage (as many couples do around that time). Kathleen knew she'd invite his two sisters to be her bridesmaids, knew what they'd name their first daughter, knew where they'd move to, was friends with his mother.
She had to go to a different city to do some job training for four months, but they talked daily and she was confident in their relationship. During that time, he slept with a friend of hers--more than once. And not an accidental, drunken mistake, but a fully planned "I'm going to come visit you and we'll spend the night" affair.
Kathleen found out (she's innocently snoopy) and was devastated, but willing to try again. He begged for forgiveness, promised to try again, promised to be better. They reassessed their time frame for getting engaged, deciding to wait a while (they'd been eyeballing last Christmas). Then, randomly, he eased way up on contact and affection, which she found weird just a couple of months after all these declarations that they'd make it work.
He dumped her. A couple of weeks later--literally less than a month--he was dating someone new on facebook. Now, less than six months after he promised he loved Kathleen and was going to prove it and eventually marry her, he is officially engaged to this other girl.

Now, this dude broke up with Kathleen. That technically means he can do whatever he wants. He's free to date and marry anyone he encounters. But some sensitivity would have been good, I feel. I'm honestly not sure what would have helped in this particular situation (an email gently breaking the news before facebook did so? I don't know), but it strikes me as pretty insensitive to flaunt your engagement on facebook six months after planning a life with someone else.

And I guess, related to that:
4. Communicate in ways more personal than facebook.
Facebook (and MySpace) are public and impersonal. If you have something you really should say to a specific person, resist the urge to just make it your status or something. Just say what you have to say to the person who needs to hear it. And then put the general, funny, everyday stuff up as a status update. (Emphasis on funny--I see a lot of really stupid status updating and I'd like to see it stop, please.)

So yeah. Basically, guys need to be nicer to girls who like them, even if they clearly don't like us back. Some of us are getting our hearts broken, you guys, and it's really not that fun.

Love,
Sequined

(And yes, I do notice the irony of insisting that people say what they need to say to the specific person who needs to hear it via anonymous online blog. I am a part of the problem.)

OMG

2009-07-14T21:38:00.001-07:00

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS SINGLE AGAIN!