Serenading Serendipity

Of the Horrors of Hockey and Horny Praying Mantises

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 18:18:00 +0000

Thanks Divya!

Apparently my blog was worthy enough to be given an award. Divya who blogs Senseless Sense? Or Sensible Nonsense? decided to bestow an award upon yours truly and in the true spirit of blogging and sharing and whatever other things you can think of, I have to write about seven random things about myself. Before that, go and read her blog; she's deliciously witty and is a total Grammar Nazi. I'd love to have babies with her.

Ok. Focus.

So random things about myself:

a) I take a dump whenever I’m super nervous. I took a dump before taking my TOEFL test and I took the Mother of all Dumps when I went for an interview recently. There’s something about stressful situations such as interviews or exams that make my stomach clench a little too tightly for my liking. And if I don’t get rid of whatever shit that’s in there (pardon the pun), I simply cannot focus. If, by some miraculous chance, I actually find a man who can tolerate my eccentricities and I develop the courage to walk down that aisle, I’d probably be super late for my wedding as I’d be attending to you-know-what before then. I dare not think about child birth...*gulp*

b) I can finally do the chicken dance. Yes!!!!!!!!!!

c) Because I am a proud Indian, I am going to daringly say this: eating rice, curry and its condiments with a spoon is for wusses. There is no way on earth that eating rice with a spoon can be a cultural or gastronomic experience. Fail Fail Fail. Rice can never be any tastier, never be any heavenly than when you mix everything together - rice, curry and condiments – into one divine and sinfully unrecognizable concoction. If you want a real Indian experience, whip out that hand. And please, for the love of God, not the left one.

Don't you just love Asians?

d) I used to wear oversized, round glasses back in high school and looked like a praying mantis about to be humped by some idiot (the male praying mantis dies after humping to glory, FYI).

Oh yeah, sexy was my middle name

It doesn’t take a genius to know that I quickly became a constant comedy piece amongst classmates and cousins alike. If you cannot see the humour in what I just told you, then you obviously wore the same kind of glasses as I did in high school (and maybe now too, good grief). I was labelled “soda butti” which dumbfounded me for years and years until, well, seven years ago. So, I found out much later, to my chagrin of course, that it’s a Tamil word that loosely (this is painful ok?) translates to a person who sports thick, high powered spectacles. Its ~~stupid~~, ridiculous history stemmed from the belief that the lenses were made out of soda bottles. Wtf right? Come on, please. Just say wtf with me now.

Love me anyway

e) I never, ever, ever play sport. Never. Not because I am lazy, okay maybe just a weeny bit. The real reason I don't play it is because I am highly and completely incompetent when playing sports of any kind. Allow me to demonstrate. In primary school, I was miraculously chosen to be part of the school hockey team. My coach, who knew I had no prior experience, told me to observe a few games first. I was confident because the game looked pretty easy to me. Hit the ball with the stick into the goal and don’t die in the process. Pfft. Easy. When I got called in to play, I went and ran around with much gusto, appearing to be very heavily involved so that bystanders would think that I was an active player. In reality, I was confused and was just running around in circles, clueless as to what position I played. I didn’t think the ball would ever come to me, but it did. I was floored. Me! Me, the idiot who knows not of sports, finally has the ball!

The character in this image is originally from Hyperbole and a Half - don't sue me Allie

The adrenaline rush was so great that I hit the ball with all my might to what I thought was my team mate. I even said, “Nah!” in that split-second process. Please, don’t ask me why I said ‘Nah’. My coach screamed, my team screamed and I screamed with delight. A star was born! Minutes later, my coach gave me hell for giving the ball to my opponent. In my delight, I got confused with who my team mates were, since we all came from the same school. That, effectively sealed my one and only chance of being selected in the school team.

f) I hate public toilets with a vengeance, unless they are squeaky clean, smell of lavender and have automatic flush. Now, that’s a genius invention. You lift your bum and fluuuussshhhh. A toilet that is so good at recognising butt movements has to be given an award. Jarek, my mate, however thinks that toilet papers are God’s greatest invention and that has obviously led to many cultural arguments. “You wipe??”, “Yeah, and what? You don’t?”.

g) When I mentioned that I was going to buy conflict-free diamonds, I got mixed reactions from people. Some ranged from, “Why would YOU buy a diamond for yourself? Wait for a guy to do that” to “What did you do to get so much money? Pimp yourself out?? Tell me how, please”. The best (to me at least) was from a friend who snorted with laughter at the mention of ‘conflict-free’. He thought that I was threatening him into buying a stone for me to ensure a peaceful, conflict-free existence for him. Google saved his arse from future mortification though. Dammit.

Since this is a random blog, I shall end here by saying that this post is dedicated to my, (so far) only sister, Darsyu who can withstand my randomness and eccentricities and not die from it. I love you like I love Shahid and Shah Rukh and Keanu (drool drool) Reeves and Pari (my German Shepherd who is a quarter vegetarian) and Tofu and God and Marc Jacobs and Sophie Kinsella and Jimmy Choos and Gucci when it's on sale and and Tofu? Did I mention Tofu? Yes, so, I love you lah ok? Let's not get all carried away. Ok, so..

Oh yes. I forgot, I'm also broke (because I bought the conflict-free diamond remember?) and so, this is my B'day gift to her.

And no, you cannot have the ring Darsyu.

Randomly Yours,

Chechi

p/s : I'm supposed to bestow the award to some other deserving bloggers and I will. But right now, I'm sleepy and the bed looks oh so comfy and ok bye.

How to Confess Your Love: Bollywood Style

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:41:00 +0000

(Disclaimer : Bad grammar ahead. Intentional of course, how dare you frown! The dialogues are not verbatim but they're the closest I can get. The Hindi dialogues have been translated to the best of my ability. If they're wrong, I apologise. If they're correct, then Mr. Moon's lessons must have been working. Also, true account. There's no way I can create this shit.)

I owe a blog post or two to some lovely bloggers and readers out there who have suggested topics and tagged me in some weird, but undoubtedly entertaining meme (Thanks Spiff!). Unfortunately, this post is neither about their suggested topics ("Why Cats Are Cute" is not funny by the way) nor the popular meme that goes around asking the blogger to divulge dark, trashy secrets about themselves. (Spiff, I owe you one, I know!)

This is a post dedicated to Mr.Moon (1) ; the man, who knows my body better than my own mother. The man who was supposed to spend his eternity with me. The man who tragically will, no longer be part of my life. There is no person that I'd mourn the loss more than this man. Yes, not even you, Shah Rukh. (2)

Meet Mr.Moon, my seriously talented, seriously gifted but seriously insane tailor.

I swear my tailor looked scarier than this with his whole Bolly drama

First, if you're an Indian, and I don't mean just the Indians from India. If you're a bona fide Indian, who worships curry, obsesses over gold and wears them like you're a walking jewellery shop or shows up to any function in that fashionably-late-Indian-manner, then you'd understand my horror and devastation to know that I might soon lose a great tailor. There can be no greater tragedy than losing an amazing tailor.

If you're not an Indian, then let me enlighten you. Getting a tailor who can sew flawlessly is like finding the fountain of youth. It's almost always impossible to find one who gets it right, especially, the first time and who still continues to fashion 'Oh-Wow' pieces without batting an eye. This man, this genius who can sew a patiala without a flaw in the pleats, whip up a fitting churidar and create a heart-stopping anarkali suit without making you look like a pregnant hippopatamus has turned our one year relationship into what I can only describe as a fashion disaster.

For a year, we had no problems. He was decent, always respectful and would only address me as "Madam" despite being a year older than I am (3). In fact, he was such a darling, going so far as to teach me Hindi (4) and telling me how to purchase the right material for the right design. He was very professional when taking measurements and for a while, I almost thought he might be gay.

Today, he proved me wrong.

He is definitely not gay.

Ladies and gentleman, in the manner of a Bollywood film gone bad, I present to you, how my tailor turned into a full-blown psycho.

I went to see him with a new material and we started discussing designs when he suddenly stopped and stared at me. While I am quite used to his eccentricities which include breaking out into a little Bollywood jig once in a blue moon, the way in which he looked at me this time was more, well, thunderstruck, as if he had never seen a woman in his life. In a complete change of voice, reminiscent of Shah Rukh Khan confessing his love for Rani Mukherjee in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, he said, "Arre...I'm going to die now. Your smile. Haaii... " and this cheesy dialogue was proclaimed with a dramatic wave of the hand.

Me : Huh? What? WHAT?? Why are you staring? Ok so anyway, I want the back of the suit to look lik--

Tailor : The back? Haa..haa ji, (Yes, yes) I know. Low back na? (You want a low back design?) Lekin aapka smile...wah! Maar liya... (But your smile...wah! I've died) *while clutching his heart in a dramatic manner*

Me : Wah! Wah! What a dialogue! But seriously, I'll stop smiling if you don't stop this nonsense

Tailor : Arre, yeh nonsense nahi, yeh sacha love hai. (This isn't nonsense but true love).

Me : WHAAATT? Haha Ok, so that sounds like some Bolly crap. Come on yaar (friend), don't do this.

Tailor : Just you say yes ji. I and you, we make good team na? Yeh soch le (Think about this)

Me : NO WAY! Just sew the suit --

Tailor : I no charge for this suit okay? Okay.

Me : NO! No! Not okay.

Psycho Tailor : Bas jo kehna tha keh liya (I have said whatever I need to). Now, decision you make.

Me : Wait. Wait..Is this a joke? This a joke right? I mean, seriously, haha...ok joke joke.

Psycho Tailor : What jokey jokey? This my heart you know ... *while clutching his heart*

When trying to woo a lady, do this.

... and heart is beating for you. You know dhadkan? (heartbeat).. *while still clutching his heart* .. For you! *points to me with a Bollywood hero look*

The Hero's Point - Deadly Cool

Me : Okaaaay. Look, I'll just come back some other time okay? I'll just take my stuff and --

Psycho Tailor : Why? Come, you tell me now. Haa yah nahi (Yes or no). Say now. *while peering closely at me*

Ok, so we look nothing like these two but the facial expressions could not have been more similar

Me : Err ...

Psycho Tailor : I have your number. I call you ok? 12.30 am ok?

Me : NO!!! You know what? I'm leaving now.

Psycho Tailor : I have your number. See? I will call you ok? You pleeassee answer.

Me : ...

Psycho Tailor : *hums some Hindi song*

Me : Ok, so I'm going. Bye.

Psycho Tailor : Just you see. You will turn and look at me.

Me : No ji, I will do no such thing. I am leaving.

And so I got my stuff and walked off in a huff. But does it end there? Of course not. This is a Bollywood drama gone bad remember? And he's mental remember? So, he did what any deranged-Indian-man-with-a-disturbing-obsession-for-Bolly-drama would do. He started doing the whole 'palat' scene (5) from DDLJ (6). Actually let me just rephrase that. He muttered the whole line, "agar yeh tujhe pyaar karti to yeh palatke dekhegi" (if she loves me, she will turn around and look at me) to himself but loud enough for me to hear it.

WHO DOES THAT???

He has currently, in hostage, three important, half-stitched pieces which he won't return unless I reply to his thirty seven text messages and twelve missed calls.

(1) : I'm protecting his identity because well, I secretly think he might land up here on this blog if he's really a pro at stalking people. Which I think he is. I haven't figured out how protecting his identity will help me but I'll leave that for another day.

(2) : I fell in love with Shah Rukh Khan on the day I watched Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge back in '95. There's been no turning back till I met Mr.Moon, who has systemically destroyed my childhood love for the man and the movie.

(3) : I am not telling you my age. Piss off.

(4) : It's still crap but hey at least I have learnt how to swear in Hindi.

(5) : It's a scene from this popular Hindi movie Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) where the hero (Shah Rukh Khan) confesses his love for the heroine and waits for her reply. Instead, she turns away probably out of bashfulness or irritation or maybe she was dumbounded (the hell I know). Anyway, he tells himself that if she truly loves him, she will turn around and look at him. It's one of the famous dialogues in that movie where he goes 'palat palat' (turn around, turn around). Eventually, she turns around and looks at him and it's all happily-ever-after in the Bollywood world. The weird beauty of that scene however, has been effectively crushed by this basketcase.

(6) : I still watch DDLJ and get all teary eyed after all these time. Thanks to this idiot, I am going to be forever traumatised to watch it again.

Note : Spiff, who has an awesome blog, has promoted me in her blog AND awarded me with my very first well, award! So, in return, I'm supposed to divulge my dirt, ala Desperate Housewives style. Actually, the last bit wasn't really true. But you get the drift yeah? That'll be for another day.

Once I get all three of my cloths from my psycho stalker. Pray for them. Thanks.

UPDATE 1

The stupid idiot refuses to entertain my requests, be it, humble, threatening or polite, to return my cloths. He wants a "face-to-face" meeting. WTF???!!!

UPDATE 2

I sent my cousin (male, yes, I'm never going to risk any females for that nutcase) to collect my stuff and he happily refused. He asked my poor, innocent, not-knowing-what's-going-on fourteen year old cousin to "bring your behenji (sister) because she took my heart. I want my heart first then I give cloths"

UPDATE 3

Several well-wishers have offered their views as to why my star-struck tailor was behaving in this weird manner. Some also suggested ways to get even with him. Instead of listing all of'em here, I'm just going to let the pictures do the talking.

My friends are a brilliant lot I tell you!

I am going to bring my dad and threaten him with deportation. The psycho tailor once told me that his biggest fear was to go back to Punjab, so that will be my trump card. Like I said in my comment on Facebook, NOBODY messes with my dad. I mean the man literally whacked me into puberty and then resorted to mind-numbing psychology to get me to be submissive. If my dad can't get my stuff back, NOBODY can.

That is all.

FINAL UPDATE TO THIS WHOLE MESS

The tailor ran away with one of my cloth and a married woman.

How to Befriend a Lady (Part Two): An Absolute Dummies Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 17:15:00 +0000

(Disclaimer : This is a Public Service Community Message for all those guys who were born with zero sense and desperate genes, specifically Indian men with no brains. Purely for educational and instructional purposes. No men were harmed in the process)

This is sort of like a continuation of my previous post on how to befriend a woman on Facebook (or any other social networking sites for that matter). Yes, I did say Indian men because those basket cases who keep sending me crazy-retarded-lame-stupid--insert appropriate adjective here-- messages are sadly, Indians. So, consider this free advice from someone who has had enough and wants to make the world a better place. Seriously.

Boys, instead of telling you what to do, I'm going to show you what NOT to do. Behold the Award-Winning Facebook Nutcases!

Exhibit A : The Pervert - self-explanatory

Eerily disturbing on so many levels.

Exhibit B : The Flatterer - the guy who messages you with a barf-worthy "praise" and "flatters" you to no end. Why do you even think we'd fall for something so horrendously stupid and lame like this? WHY?? Explain please.

This sounds like a message from a five year old - "Can we be frens?"

Exhibit C : The Severely Desperate Case - you must be really stupid to think we'd actually call you. I didn't shade his number out because, well, he obviously needs someone to call him. So, if any of you bored folks decide you need some entertainment, you know whom to call!

Poor guy must be depressed - do him a favour and call him

Exhibit D : The "Romantic" - the Casanova in this category thinks that a term of endearment or two would make the lady swoon and fall madly in love with him. They'd get married and have babies and they'd live so happily ever after that even Shrek would cry. Only problem is, we ladies grew up.

Yeah baby! I'll add you after twenty years of grammar lessons

Da = An Indian term of endearment that never fails to make me die with horror

Exhibit E : The Weirdo - I really don't know why they even try. Really. Can you not tell that your message will just send us into severe mental shock? Or that your poorly constructed message reeks nothing but desperation, loneliness and oh I don't know, severe lameness?

Really? This is your best hello-let's-be-friends message?

Something about the word 'Hai' creeps me out. Oh and 'toucher'

Exhibit F : The Self-Promoter - this guy gives the impression that women are shallow creatures who would jump at the opportunity of going out with/befriending a Eurasian or someone with a mixed parentage. I really don't see how your bloodline is going to be of any relevance to our friendship. Do you do that in real life? Announce your ancestry to the whole world before befriending anyone? God.

Now, let's look at an example of a great message that actually elicited a response from me because the message sounded sincere and there was promise of a good friendship there.

Ok, so let's dissect this message :

a) He actually took the time to read my profile, clearly indicating genuine interest in getting to know a person.

b) A dash of humour and wittiness certainly goes a long way guys!

c) Although he had a little disclaimer there that said he wasn't trying to hit on me because of his sexual orientation, it was a very nice, sincere touch. This message was sent in 2008 and the man is now a friend of mine and he is every bit what his message indicated him to be - sincere and very much gay =)

And just so you know, I do make friends with females too. Here's one message from a lady who randomly messaged me out of the blue. I loved the way she wrote. We met up in person some time later ~~after I made sure she wasn't a psycho~~ and I was so glad because she ~~really wasn't a psycho~~ was this really amazing woman with a great sense of humour.

I hope the screen shots above gave you some inkling as to how NOT to approach a woman. It was not meant to mock (ok, maybe just a bit) but really, I just wanted to paint a clearer picture of the mistakes guys make when trying to befriend a woman. We're not that complicated. Just be sincere and don't try any funny tricks. Also,if you're going to message an English teacher, please please try to brush up on that grammar. Or at least just use Google Translate or something.

Ladies, if you have horror stories of your own (I'm sure you would), do share them here. Would love to read all those 'cacat'* messages.

For more major screw-ups by Indian men read Durai's post here.

* Retarded in Malay

What I Wish I Can Tell My Students

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 13:09:00 +0000

After being subjected to the agony of dealing with confused and overtly-fascinated thirteen year olds, I have but one thing to say to them.

Be a sex object. When asked for sex, object.

There, I've said it.

The Not-So Simple Joys of Teaching

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 14:41:00 +0000

(Matured content)

I had a class yesterday with a bunch of thirteen year olds. They can either make you weep with joy or well, just plain weep.

I almost used the four letter word in class but caught myself in time. The kids were darn quick though. They looked at me with a knowing smile and a silent snicker. I dunno about you but when a thirteen year old gives me a knowing snicker, I worry like hell.

Then, I instructed them to bring their dictionaries next week but made the grave error of over-emphasising the first syllable of 'dictionary'. Miraculously (and quite weirdly actually) they missed that. What they did do however was to (not-so) secretly discuss taboo words that they were going to look up in the dictionary. Such words include (but I'm sure are not limited to) 'fuck' (of course), 'fanny', 'concubine' and 'harlot' - Parents, what the devil are you letting your kids watch??? Fanny? Really?? God.

We were doing a quick review of 'Journey to the Centre of the Earth' and I had to endure immature thirteen year olds who took immense pleasure in emphasising one of the character's names, wait for it, Arne Saknussemm. Try saying the first syllable to his surname real slowly.

I told you they were immature.

The icing of the cake was probably when this petite young girl, came up to me after class with a troubled look and asked me to demonstrate 'jerking off' because her friend claims it to be the "best thing the world" and she should try it someday.

Is it still not the end of the year yet?? Goddamit.

How to Score (a 100 or more) in TOEFL : The Complete Idiot's Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 17:30:00 +0000

Disclaimer : If you fail or do not achieve a high score for your TOEFL because none of my tips worked for you, then screw you.

That's my score *cough*

After one failed attempt at taking the test and two postponements, I finally sat for the TOEFL exam in August. It shouldn't come as a surprise to know that I also had some drama-filled moments. I mean really, when does it not happen to us? God.

My day started beautifully when I could not log into the system at the beginning of the test. Then, my headphones refused to cooperate with me, so that took about fifteen minutes of tweaking and fixing before I was sent to another terminal. Finally, just when I thought it can't get any worse than this, my computer crashed. Thrice.

In spite of all these craziness, I was the picture of calmness. Dalai Lama would have been envious as hell. I think after being turned away once from my TOEFL and two postponements, I was immune to all that drama.

But I digress.

Okay, here's a newsflash for you : the TOEFL exam is not an easy test. It is a gruelling four hours of ~~pure pain in the ass~~ insane language challenge that can really wreck havoc on your grey cells.

Having said that, there is still salvation for us humble mortals to ace the test. Frankly speaking, any Tom, Dick or Harry can obtain a high score, providing of course, you PRACTICE and you really really follow these tips (actually, I dunno if they'd work for you - don't sue me please).

I am going to assume that you already know that having a more than basic knowledge of grammar and a more than adequate vocabulary is mandatory. Otherwise, it's your suicide. Here are some general tips that personally worked for me:

1. Knowing the Unknown : Like any other exams (or battles), knowing what (or who) you are going to battle with is crucial. Familiarise yourself with the format of the exam. This is muy importante. The TOEFL comprises of four sections; Reading, Listening, Speaking and Writing, all in that order of assessment. The grand total for this test is 120; 30 for each section. The first thing you should do is to download the iBT TOEFL Sampler test at the ETS website, which coincidentally is the site you should go to register for the test. Go through this sample as it is pretty much like the real deal. Sample tests will ensure you are not caught off-guard with the format or the pattern of questioning. That mental preparation honestly goes a long way.

2. Practice Makes Perfect : It’s heavily clichéd but that’s just how it is. I spent an inordinate amount of time downloading e-books on TOEFL (yes, I’m cheap) and reading up on the format. That’s just dumb. Know the format and move on. Depending on your proficiency level, you will need an ‘X’ amount of time to prepare. I spent a month and a half prepping for the test but you have to deduct the amount of procrastination time, which was like three quarters of it. So in the end, I really had a week of proper practice time. Highly inadvisable. Practise sample tests here and here. I liked the former and used it quite a bit. My first score on the sample test was a measly 90/120 and the second test was 112/120. Be warned however, the sample test is as its name is – a sample. It’s a short test that takes about thirty minutes to complete all four sections and is nothing like the real exam that spans four hours.

3. Time Management : This is also another crucial element to ensure success in your TOEFL. Allot a lion's share of your time for sections which you are weak in or need more fine tuning. I spent more time on my Speaking and Writing Sections because I had identified those two to be a potential deal-breaker during my revision (see how practising can be useful?). On another note, be extra wary of the Speaking section during the test as preparation time for each topic ranges from 10 seconds to 15 seconds. Trust me, you will need to really plan your responses quickly and this brings me to my next point.

4. Note-Taking Skills : This is a skill that you must have or learn (besides sleeping with your eyes open). Why? Simply because you will be given an academic lecture / campus-based situation to listen to and you will only be able to hear it once. You will listen to the said material in not only the Listening section but also the Speaking and Writing sections. See how darn important that is? Without good note taking skills, you won't be able to answer the questions accurately or perfectly. TOEFL is a very holistic test and assesses your overall answers. So, it doesn't matter if you have strong grammar skills or an extensive vocabulary bank, if they don't see the content and meaning coming through in your answers, you're screwed. Go here and here to to brush up on those note-taking skills.

5. Scratch Me Happy : You will be given scratch papers to work with and this my friend, lies the key to really nail your test. I'm not exactly sure if this is a worldwide practise but in my TOEFL centre, I was only given three scratch papers at any given time. The moment a paper is fully used, the test administrators will replace it with a clean sheet of paper. My advice is, just before your test starts, write down all the key words/phrases and templates that you have learnt prior to this so that you will not forget. Use only one paper for this; taking care to use one side for the Writing Section and the other side for the Speaking section. That way you will have one scribbled paper (with your helpful words/templates) and two more empty sheets. Work using these empty sheets and replace these two when it's fully used. If this idea of templates and whatnot doesn't make much sense, keep reading.

Nailing the Reading Section

# Be prepared to encounter around 3-5 reading passages. They are of moderate length and encompass subjects such as a anthropology, sociology, physics and you know what? Just about anything under the sun. Spend only 20 minutes for each reading passage. This is dead crucial because the test is designed in a way to lull you into thinking you have plenty of time. Not! 20 minutes tops.

# The passages can be dry and boring, so be prepared ~~to mentally die .~~

# Don't read the whole passage. Seriously. The key here is to skim and scan for the main idea. You can find the main idea in the first two lines of each paragraph or at the end of the paragraph. Reading the whole passage will eat away valuable time which you could put to far better use in revising your answers. Plus, the reading passage will remain on the screen, so don't waste time reading (or worse, rereading) and taking down notes. I saw one test-taker doing it and at the end, he could not complete his Reading section on time. Yes, I even had time to observe others ~~and if I had Net access, I would have logged on to Facebook too~~ thanks to those extra time. So, skim through the passage, read the questions, then read for more details. The questions usually come in the order they appear in the passage, so that makes it a whole lot easier.

# The questions will generally ask for the main idea, to summarise key ideas and identify meaning in context. There will also be some inference questions as well as questions asking for supporting details.

# The only way to do well in this section is to read plenty of academic material and familiarise yourself with the pattern of questioning through practice tests.

Nailing the Listening Section

# The first thing you need to remember about this section is that the conversation is only played once. Hence, you will have to either have a brilliant memory to remember the details or have excellent note-taking skills. I have neither actually, but I brushed up on the latter and that helped me tremendously. Listen attentively to the audio recording and jot down the main ideas. Also, listen for change of moods, idiomatic phrases and underlying messages. For instance, I got a question that asked me to guess what the speaker was feeling based on her choice of vocabulary.

# Be prepared to listen to lectures, discussions and casual conversations. My passages were actually interesting and easy to follow, so I don't think this is a huge problem to many. Keep an eye out for definitions of certain terms, descriptions and their examples, classifications, comparing and contrasting the subject matter, cause and effect as well as problems and solutions.

# Practise your listening skills by listening to the American accent. Watch movies and try to guess what the characters are saying by their voice and tone. Disregard their body language (unless it's Hugh Jackman topless and in which case, you should totally focus). I actually listened to CNN for the heck of it and it was interesting to hear the way they engage and present a debate.

Nailing the Speaking Section

# This section is tough for two reasons; namely because you have limited preparation and speaking time. You are expected to prepare for 10-15 seconds and deliver your for 45-60 seconds. Also, the fact that you're speaking to a microphone and staring at the computer screen at the same time can give anyone the creeps. This is where IELTS wins as they have a face-to-face interaction between the candidate and the examiner. One more crucial thing to note is that you have to learn how to concentrate on your speaking task and nothing else. The reason for this is that everyone else in the room might be starting on their speaking tasks simultaneously and what you get is a mini pandemonium. I was lucky because when I spoke, everyone else had finished with theirs (I changed computers thrice remember?).

# You will be assessed on six different speaking tasks, all of which are distinct from one another. Since this is one of the toughest sections, I'm going to break it down for you:

Courtesy of ETS

# The key for this section is to prepare templates and model phrases/sentences that can help you speak better. I learnt this method through this super cute guy on You Tube. There are quite a few channels to pick from; NoteFulldotcom and Englishraven. However, NoteFulldotcom is my absolute favourite (not only because the instructor is an eye candy but because his tips were extremely useful). I think I'll let the experts speak for themselves :

# Joseph (the eye candy) provides you with tips and tricks and templates to choose from. And this is what I mean by use your scratch paper to write down your templates and model phrases/sentences. This way, you won't forget and you won't spend too much time thinking of how to start when you are asked to prepare.

# Last tip - don't be nervous and practise with a timer at home.

Nailing the Writing Section

# A brief idea of what to expect in the Writing section :

Courtesy of ETS

# Again, Joseph from Notefulldotcom was mighty helpful. His tip was also to memorise key vocabulary to be used in the writing tasks. Watch his videos and learn. My second writing task was a tad challenging; governments should allow scientific research to be carried out regardless if it brings benefits or not. Do you agree or disagree. I used his methods and they work.

# One tip to consider is that the higher your word count, the higher your score is going to be. Of course, substance counts heavily as well so don't just pad your essay with rubbish. Clear signposting is immensely useful not just for you but also for the examiner. This allows cohesiveness in your essay and earns you extra points. Use transitional connectors and linkers and follow the basic rule of writing : One main idea + One Supporting Detail + One Example + One Concluding Sentence = One Paragraph.

# To help you guys out, I have uploaded a bunch of documents that you can download to aid your writing component. There's a Barrons textbook on Writing, 400 Vocabulary for TOEFL, model phrases and sentences, past year questions and et cetera. Download them here. Also, you should check out the Writing Topics provided by ETS. It claims that the topics there "may appear in your actual test".

That's it I suppose. Let me know if the tips worked for you guys or not. All the best!

Important Note: DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR PASSPORT!!!

The Invasion of the Chinese

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:57:00 +0000

Disclaimer: I do not loathe the Chinese. I adore them. Really, I do. In fact my closest mates are Chinese and I'm pretty sure they would try to drop nuclear bombs on me if I ever try to diss them. So, I love them ok? A lot.

I had a sneaky suspicion when I was meddling around my new app. It's confirmed people.

Everything now is made in China.

Gasp.

Check out the screen shot of my app's FAQ. It sounds like a Russell Peter's show gone wrong or something.

"Why my photo uploaded by BlogPress looks no so good on my blog" ??

Aargh.

- Blogged furiously from my iPhone

Of Tests and Tester Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 23:54:00 +0000

This is just a tester post to see if my Blogpress app is fully functioning as it should be.

If this post looks weird or sounds gibberish to you, then my app has royally screwed me over. And considering the fact that this is the one and only app that I bought rather than downloaded for free, I think getting pissed would be an understatement.

Anywho, today has proved to be a brilliant day simply because I got my TOEFL scores and well, I don't want to brag and all but oh what the hell, I NAILED IT!! I absolutely nailed it. Oh yeah.

116/120 baby.

Who's your mama now?

- Blogged furiously from my iPhone

Location:Kuantan,Malaysia

Apabila BERSIH menjadi TAK BERSIH

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 12:51:00 +0000

(Jutaan ampun dan maaf dipinta atas penggunaan Bahasa Malaysia yang boleh membuatkan nenek anda melatah seribu kali dalam tidur. Walaupun saya telah mendapat A1 dalam Bahasa Malaysia peringkat SPM (tepuklah sedikit), namun akibat tidak menggunakan bahasa kesayangan kita dengan tepat, yakni baku, maka rencana ini akan kelihatan seperti pelajar darjah tiga yang menulisnya. Segala yang salah silap, adalah berpunca dari kelekaan saya. Yang baik, adalah kerana Tuhan).

Pos (bukan Pos Laju atau Pos Malaysia tapi 'blog post') ini sememangnya sengaja ditaip dalam Bahasa Malaysia kerana rencana ini berkisar tentang kita, rakyat Malaysia. Walaupun penggunaan Bahasa Malaysia saya agak digeruni ramai, namun isi tersirat dan tersurat (saya telah mempelajari istilah-istilah ini semasa menjawab soalan Rumusan dalam SPM BM) dalam rencana ini hanya dapat dihayati dan diselami sedalam-dalamnya dalam bahasa kebangsaan kita. Biarlah isu ini dibaca oleh rakyat Malaysia dan bukan orang lain. Mungkin pos ini akan menyinggung perasaan sesetengah pihak dan mungkin juga tidak. Namun yang pentingnya, mesej yang ingin saya sampaikan pada hari ini bertumpu bukan kepada anda seorang sahaja, tetapi kepada seluruh warga Malaysia (dan mungkin kepada segelintir pihak yang dapat memahami Bahasa Malaysia contohnya seperti Colochomel* saya).

Tetapi alamak, saya terpesong dari tajuk utama.

Berbalik kepada isu yang ingin saya utarakan pada hari ini : Mengapakah agenda dan perjuangan sebenar BERSIH perlu dilitupi kulat perkauman dan agama? Saya pasti anda tidak meminati kulat. Ya, saya juga tidak begitu menggemari kulat. Kecuali cendawan yang juga merupakan sejenis kulat.

Walaubagaimanapun, lupakan persoalan itu sebentar. Rasanya, soalan yang paling signifikan untuk saya adalah; adakah benar sesetengah rakan-rakan saya - rakyat Malaysia kita yang berakal dan berpendidikan tinggi - begitu cetek pemikiranya untuk memahami bahawa tuntutan Bersih tidak boleh disamakan dengan IFC?

Ingin saya perjelaskan bahawa saya sama sekali tidak menuding jari atau memanggil sesiapa ‘dangkal’ namun saya agak keliru. Bagaimanakah mungkin sahabat-sahabat saya yang jauh lebih pandai, yang pernah pada suatu masa dahulu mengkagumkan pensyarah-pensyarah serta warga akademik dengan kebijaksanaan mereka; bagaimanakah mungkin para cendekiawan ini mampu dikaburi mata oleh pihak-pihak yang tidak bertanggungjawab dengan isu seremeh perkauman dan agama? Saya masih terpegun kerana mereka ini merupakan golongan yang saya agungkan kerana tahap keintelektuan mereka. Mereka ini merupakan pemegang ijazah, dan bukan calang-calang ijazah tetapi ijazah dari universiti terkemuka luar negara. Malahan, ada yang sedang atau telah meraih ijazah kedua mereka. Justeru, pasti sekali cara pemikiran mereka akan menjurus kepada pemikiran yang objektif dan tanpa sebarang prejudis.

Namun hakikatnya adalah, golongan ini telah menggunakan isu agama dan perkauman untuk mempersoal tuntutan Bersih 2.0. Yang lebih dahsyat lagi, ada yang terus membatalkan persahabatan ("delete friend request" - betulkah istilah ini? oh Tuhan) mereka dengan kawan-kawan yang tidak bersehaluan pendapat.

Mengelirukan? Ya.

Menyedihkan? Tentu sekali.

Saya tidak ingin membuang masa anda dengan mengimbas kembali tuntutan-tuntutan Bersih 2.0 kerana saya yakin anda pasti telah berbuat demikian (terima kasih Google). Saya juga tidak ingin mempersoal tuntutan-tuntutan IFC kerana saya akui, ini merupakan isu yang agak sensitif. Cukuplah jika saya tegaskan di sini bahawa Bersih dan IFC berjuang untuk dua perkara yang berbeza walaupun pemimpin kedua-dua jentera ini merupakan orang yang sama.

Jika kalian beranggapan bahawa Bersih 2.0 hanyalah satu perangkap politik kepada mereka yang berpandangan myiopik, anda sememangnya betul. Masakan Bersih 2.0 tidak menjadi bahan politik? Jika hari ini pihak kerajaan berada di tempat pihak pembangkang, tidakkah isu ini akan dipolitikkan seperti yang kita lihat pada hari ini? Namun begitu, tanyalah diri sendiri, bukankah 8 tuntutan itu adalah adil dan saksama? Untuk kepentingan rakyat sejagat? Dan jika anda masih dengan pendirian anda bahawa demonstrasi bukanlah jawapanya; saya ingin bertanya, bila lagi rakyat dapat menyuarakan pendirian mereka dengan terang-terangan? Memorandum, warkah dan sebagainya telah penat diberi namun isu yang dijuang masih tidak ke mana.

Cukup sekadar di sini sahaja saya membebel seperti seorang nenek bosan yang ketiadaan suami.**

Saya ingin menyeru, kepada sehabat-sehabat sekalian yang telah saya kenali sejak bertahun-tahun (bertahun-tahun di sini tidak merujuk kepada berdekad-dekad tetapi untuk masa yang agak lama), janganlah jadikan isu agama dan perkauman sebagai alat untuk memecah-belahkan perpaduan serta persahabatan kita. Benar, anda mempunyai hak untuk memilih sebarang parti atau menyokong sebarang isu. Usahlah bimbang, kerana rencana ini bukan ditulis untuk memancing sokongan anda terhadap Bersih ataupun merubah pendirian anda yang kental. Saya hormati pendirian anda dan saya juga beranggapan bahawa anda akan menghormati pendirian saya. Rencana ini ditulis kerana saya meletakkan persahabatan kita pada suatu aras yang tinggi dan kerana saya percaya, di sebalik luatan dan tohmahan yang anda hamburi, terdapat hati (ke jantung?) yang menyayangi Negara kita dan persahabatan kita.

Berikut merupakan petikan daripada laman Facebook saya yang turut membincangkan isu ini serta komentar-komentar dari rakan-rakan saya yang amat memahami persaan dukacita*** saya.

Janganlah kerana percanggahan pendapat, persahabatan yang kian lama terjalin dijadikan bahan korban.

This amazing sight was witnessed by Durai and his brave comrades during the Bersih 2.0 rally

Saya akhiri rencana keparat ini dengan menyusun sepuluh jari dan memohon maaf jika pos ini telah mengguris perasaan anda. Bukanlah niat di hati, cuma ingin menyelamatkan persahabatan erat.

* Colochomel merujuk kepada rakan mat salleh saya yang hanya mengetahui beberapa ayat dan perkataan dalam Bahasa Malaysia : lelaki, perempuan, saya cintakan kamu, kamu cantik malam ini dan yang terhebat 'konek kamu lagi kecil dari cili padi' (hasil pengajaran rakan-rakan beliau dari Singapura. Saya tidak terlibat).

** Alah, takkanlah tak faham pulak? Ish..

*** Saya hanya berdukacita untuk sejam setengah kerana setelah itu anjing saya telah mengubati hati saya yang remuk.

Epic Fail II : Sleeping Your Way Down

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 17:11:00 +0000

I lack this

I have been diagnosed with anaemia recently. If you're like me, who thinks that the slightest hint of a flu is really, death knocking on the door, then a run to the doctor's is a must. Which is what I did, hence the diagnosis.

Now, if you know anything about anaemia, you'd know that extreme lethargy, sleepiness and dizzy spells are common symptoms. Which is what happened yesterday afternoon. I felt tired for the whole day and my speech and actions were reduced to snail-speed. I couldn't keep my eyes from closing but I was at work, so I drank gallons of water, spritzed some water on my face and when that didn't work, slapped myself hard. It worked.

Momentarily.

Sleepiness in a baby would have been cute but not in a grown woman

Then the sleep came back in full force, so I spent the next half an hour making random phone calls and walking up and down the staff room, chatting with anyone who was willing to listen to me bitch about my sleepiness. When the bell rang, indicating it was time for my next class, I was relieved. Teaching usually took away the tiredness for so many cheesy reasons but let's not get into that. I was conducting my English Oral Assessment (where students speak on a topic and I evaluate their speaking skills) and they had a little 'Show and Tell' session. One boy presented methods of winning an Angry Bird game, complete with a Red Bird poster, toy and a detailed game plan. That just blew me away.

Momentarily.

I began nodding off while my kids were presenting their hard work (I gave them two weeks to prepare and they were super serious about the whole thing - I mean they had power point presentations and the whole jazz AND they're only thirteen). I could feel my head slumping down sloooowly but I quickly regained consciousness. Now, I'm sure many of you would have used this technique if you find yourself sleepy and you want to distract people around you from noticing you: Pretend to do something really important.

So, I made a big showcase of looking for something in my pencil case, rummaging furiously for nothing in particular. And then finding a blue pen, exclaimed a satisfied 'Aha!' and continued listening to my student's speech. It was mortifying but what choice did I have? Either fall asleep in front of my students and lose every shred of dignity OR be smart. After that brush with the Sleep Satan, I swore, I would REALLY listen like never before and started making notes and comments, even though it was unnecessary just to keep myself awake.

Stupid sleep came back.

Knowing that pretension will only get you so far, I decided to walk around my class. And this was when the worst thing happened : I fell asleep while walking. I could feel my whole body slumping slowly and I mentally panicked. So, I decided to just yell at someone. You know, just to wake myself up. But you know how when you wake up from sleep, you'd feel a little groggy? I felt sleepy AND groggy and those two combinations are highly lethal when you are trying to randomly yell at someone.

I think I screamed; "SO, DO YOU WANT TO DO YOUR ORAL** OR NOT?????? SAY SOMETHING!!!"

The look on the kids' faces was priceless.

It was a mixture of shock, deep confusion and fear.

Shock, because besides sounding like a deranged banshee, it came out of nowhere (like the stupid snake).

Confusion because, well, the whole thing just didn't make sense for a class who was already doing their oral test and performing beyond excellent.

Fear because these kids are super kiasu* and they thought I was threatening to deduct their marks because of a dismal performance or something they have yet to comprehend.

The bell, thankfully rang signalling the end of my horrifying moment.

I overdosed on iron tablets the next day.

*fear of losing or not performing to the highest level possible

** Don't even go there ..

Hello Winner! Who? MEEEE!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:14:00 +0000

Shameless title, I know.

... but what the hell ...

I have been hailed as the Writer of the Week at The One Minute Writer!

Yes. Me.

The person who forgot her passport for her TOEFL, the one with bad bad hair style in high school and the same person who mistakenly replied a text message to her own self.

That person won Writer of the Week!!!

Woohoo..

Off for another victory dance with my dog.

P/S: There was a snake that came out of nowhere and my dog decided to play God and save the day. God, I love her.

5 Things You Should Not Do Before Taking A TOEFL

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 14:59:00 +0000

Warning: This one is a quickie because frankly, my mood is rather foul. Read on and you will know why.

Heed my words or else the God of TOEFL will haunt you

Some things to note about exams people, especially TOEFL. Remember my 'The Seven Stages Before (and After) Taking an Exam' post? Forget about that post. This here, is the actual gospel. Just be mindful of the following:

Never ever write things like "Alright TOEFL, you shall be my bitch tomorrow. Amen" as your Facebook status no matter how hilarious or serious you are. That's just inviting bad karma and mocking the TOEFL God. Bad bad idea.
Never be cocksure. Pray. Meditate. Bribe (the TOEFL) God. Commune with a higher power (Jack Daniels and Edward Cullen included if that's your God). And never EVER ridicule the God of TOEFL with inane statements such as; "I will kick ass at TOEFL", "I am an English teacher for heaven's sakes; I can do it with my eyes closed" or worse, "TOEFL, you shall be my bitch tomorrow". Yes, I know I've said this but I need to reemphasise this point. Many, many freaking times.
Never underestimate the paper. Sure, it's easy but it stretches your note taking ability to breaking point. This is especially true in the Speaking and Writing Sections of the paper. You have to remember content from an academic lecture (that sometimes include scientific material - genome project anyone?) that you will listen to only once. ONCE.
Never leave the studying to the last minute. Although this is common sense but let me briefly paint a picture of what will happen if you do. You will start a TOEFL marathon 48 hours before the test, panic several times, calm down after people tell you that you can nail it (please don't believe them), not sleep, drink coffee and overdose on B-Complex, study even more until you are due to take the test in 8 hours, board a 1 am bus to KL, sleep a little on the way, arrive bleary-eyed at 4 am but totally pumped for the test, wait for three hours for the monorail service to start, realise the monorail is on maintenance, suffer from crippling panic attacks every five seconds while looking for a non-existent cab (where the hell are they when you need them??), call the whole world to tell them the universe is definitely against you and then finally get lost trying to find your way to the test venue. You might arrive there five minutes before test time if you are lucky though. Which is what happened to me...
... BUT Never Ever think Lady Luck will smile on you twice. The probability of that happening will be akin to expecting a fork to sing. THIS is more likely to happen though - you will forget to bring your passport because all that late-night cramming has made you less sharp than usual. And you will arrive, cheery and confident as hell, before all that brazen confidence gets shot to shit when they refuse to let you in for forgetting to bring your passport. Apparently that is the ONE and ONLY form of acceptable identification. Throw your MyKad away people because even though your face is visible enough for a snail to see, even though your name is CLEARLY printed and that there could be no mistaking that I, Darshini Nadarajan and not my clone is there to sit for my TOEFL, you will still not be permitted to sit for the test. Therefore, NEVER rely on the highly informative email that they send you with the words "Bring an acceptable form of ID" and think that THAT is sufficient. Please READ the complicated web pages of your TOEFL website before sitting for the test. It will save you from having to yell at, beg, curse, plead with, and threaten a total stranger.

I might perhaps look back one day and laugh at the last one but right now, I'd just like to bang my forgetful brain on my TOEFL books. I'll be taking the test again soon.

This time WITH my passport.

This Crazy Little Thing Called ...

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 18:30:00 +0000

(Disclaimer : Copious amounts of sentimental shit and sappiness coupled with some intentional bad grammar. Please don't judge me.)

Some people just cannot be deleted from your life

It's 8.30 am here in Malaysia. Today is almost coming to an end.

Somewhere across the globe, many oceans apart, today is just beginning. It's 6.30 am there.

But our shared today marks a journey tainted with plenty of laughter and tears. Literally.

This is where it all began

Six awesome years ago, on the day that I met Black Eyed Peas (yes, in person minus the sultry Fergie), I went for a soccer match between Queensland Roar (now known as Brisbane Roar) and Sydney Swans. Sydney won by the way *cue: applause*

It was also the day I met my best friend and the day I learnt that, albeit being quite lame, 'Mi Casa es Su Casa' had a great potential of being a good pick-up line (ladies, take note!). I also learnt that curliness in a man can actually be dead gorgeous (providing it's the right man - I mean just look at Steve Tyler!)

Babies would die just by looking at him

Ok, so he isn't curly. But I bet, if you put a curly wig on him, he'd be fugly enough to make your grandmother cry.

And I also learnt that if a man can make you go, "Damn!" every five-six seconds, that's certainly something worth exploring.

So, I did.

And boy was I surprised. You know that feeling you have after a great conversation with your girlfriends? Or that feeling you get when you realise your bestie ALSO likes Hugh Jackman, mangoes, drunk-dialling, hoarding mascaras and sleeping? Ok wait, it sounds like I'm describing a girl here. But that's not my point. My point is, that FEELING you have when you realise someone else shares so much in common with you that you can CLICK? Where you can just be yourself and not pretend?

I found that in my best mate, that fateful night I met the Black Eyed Peas.

And six years later, I still find magic in our conversations - hilarious, bordering insanity, lame at times, aww-filled, dirty and comfortable. It's the kind of conversations you can find in best friends who then go on to share (absolute) rock-bottoms and (absolute) highs, secrets and dreams, fights and crazy debates or simply anything and everything under the sun with one another without having to pretend or be someone else.

Come on, admit it - you'd do this for your best mate

Ok, so the sappy-aww-level is hitting sky-high here, people.

Breathe everybody, breathe.

Okay, right. Here are some awesomely random but unnecessary quotes to deviate your mind from all that mush.

A line is a dot that went for a walk - (Paul Klee)

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards. - (Mark Twain)

So, um..

Okay, so I cannot successfully end this post without making a total ass out of myself. So here are more quotes that I think says so much (and also gives me that much needed insurance against all the mushiness).

By a band that I love : "Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love? Or was it the hand of fate that seemed to fit just like a glove?" (Pink Floyd).

And another great one : "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - (Nietzsche)

To my best mate who is my raison d'être and the sole reason for this madness of a blog post, for the man who is able to (miraculously) make me go weak in my knees (after six freaking long years - God!), who is there for me in health and in sickness, who is my muse and my inspiration all these while - Happy Six Years of Friendship and Love. Today and all the todays to come, tesoro.

This might be a creepy coincidence but The One-Minute Writer had a prompt today on Right : How do you know when someone is right for you. So, this is dedicated to you my curly-haired man:

" This is a rather creepy coincidence but today marks my sixth year of knowing my best friend.

Who also happens to be my soul mate, my other-half or whatever other soppy ways you could think of calling your beloved cupcake. The person I turn to when I need to rant, gossip, get advice, confide, argue, be pampered or just plain, hang out. And even after all these years of doing the same thing, there's still that rush I have whenever I rush home to him.

That, is the clearest indication of someone who is right for me. "

Ask me again in ten years time though.. ;)

The Glorious Basterd

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 14:12:00 +0000

(Disclaimer : The title has nothing to do with Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds although I love the man. It's the first thing that came to my sister's mind when I asked her for a title)

I WON!! Oh sweet Lord, I won!! Ha-ha. Please excuse my unbridled enthusiasm but I had no idea I had won the writing competition on The One-Minute Writer until a few seconds ago. And get this, I actually won twice. TWICE. And I had no clue about my previous wins until moments ago. So, ladies and gentleman, here are the winning entries which I have never posted on this blog before:

This is the first winning entry:

Today's Writing Prompt: Steal

Write about a time something was stolen from you

One-Minute Writing of the Day:
Writer: Darsh

The moment 'Candace' came into our lives, I knew that I had lost a battle that had not even started in the first place.

She was annoyingly perfect.

She had the elegance that I lacked and she turned heads wherever she went. My husband was smitten from day one. He couldn't stop staring and touching her. The man who used to adore and worship me now had eyes only for her. Oh, how I loathed her! Clearly, the twice-married, shabby-looking housewife was no comparison for a sleek, shiny, sexy-looking piece of beauty.

I wanted to salvage my marriage so badly. Never a day passed without my silent but fervent prayer that the witch 'Candace' should meet with a horrible but necessary accident and perish.

My prayer is still unanswered.

And that perfect witch 'Candace' is still in our garage, smug and unrepentant.

Congratulations on the win, Darsh! I love the twist at the end! Feel free to put a One-Minute Writer WINNER! button on your blog.

And this is the second winning entry:

Today's Writing Prompt: Exciting

What's the most exciting thing about your life right now?

One-Minute Writing of the Day:
Writer: Darsh

I've finally left my abusive boyfriend of seven years. It took all the courage I could muster and all the encouragement from friends and strangers to make the first move. I am fearful and I am sometimes doubtful. But more than that, the fact that I chose to live my life, is exciting. The fact that I chose to say 'NO' is both empowering and thrilling.The fact that I can finally speak out to the world about this, THAT is exciting.

Congratulations on another win, Darsh! I agree...that is very exciting! Good for you!

THIS is exciting! Winning. For I have always been jinxed when it comes to winning anything ha-ha .. So, excuse me while I do a little victory dance with my dog.

Why High School Became A Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 15:02:00 +0000

Disclaimer : No actual abuse took place, be it, physical, emotional or verbal. As always, true account. Characters have not been changed. I also love my mom.

Yes, another writing prompt.

This is probably turning into a full-fledged addiction. So, my current list of addiction as of June the 8th 2011 comprises:

a) Stalking people on Facebook (who doesn't?)
b)Browsing aimlessly on the Net (who doesn't?)
c) Procrastinating (who doesn't?)
d) Tofu (who doe..oh wait .. okay, nevermind this)
e) The One-Minute Writer

The latter has been a recent addiction. Initially used to improve my ahem craft, now it has turned into a slight mania to just write and write and write. I cannot tell you how much the prompts have helped. There have been countless times when I have fallen prey to that dratted writer's block (as many bloggers/writers have) and wished that I could just bloody write something. Anything for the love of God.

And now, salvation is here folks. In the form of The One-Minute Writer, managed by this wonderful lady called C.Beth. Right. Enough rambling. Today's Writing Prompt: Popular. Were you popular as a kid? Are you now? This post is slightly longer than the original because I only had one minute to write in The One-Minute (d'uh) Writer. The original (which isn't really that different) can be found here.

In high school, I used to generate some interest from the boys. I used to receive calls from classmates, school mates, acquaintances and then gradually, strangers. Since, they were not calls from the fairer sex, my dad had a huge problem with that. He disconnected the phone line and we went 'phone-less' for a good five years.

However, boys being boys, they found a way to be in touch with me and this included cheesy poems ('Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, But not as sweet as you'), corny love letters ("I love you. You love me or not?") and random gifts (a toy car - please don't ask why) stuffed into my mailbox. In an attempt to thwart the hormone-raging-attention from her precious daughter, my mum decided to 'un-beautify' me. She brought me to a hairdresser and instructed the hair stylist to give me the shortest ever hair-cut. "Boy-cut!" she exclaimed.

The hair stylist complied and in my mind, I thought I would look like Princess Diana. Don't blame me. On our way to the hair dresser's, my mum told me that I'd get a hair cut like Lady Di. So, that was exactly what I envisioned. Tragically though, my notoriously curly hair gave me a dreadful looking Afro instead of the elegant cut I was coveting for. It was an Afro that could put the 70s to shame.

I took one look at the mirror and sobbed with such intensity that the hair stylist and my mother panicked. I wasn't depressed because I looked fugly (well, okay maybe a a little bit). I was heartbroken because I had been deceived. I imagined Princess Diana but here I was, looking like I had been electrocuted badly. I could already imagine the taunts, the jeering, the merciless name-calling. I knew I'd be a social pariah in seconds. It was too much for a thirteen year old, so I continued sobbing all the way home.

True enough, I became popular. For all the wrong reasons.

I was known as 'The Bee Hive' for the next four years.

I never recovered fully.

Why I Shall Never Watch Harry Potter Ever Again

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 13:51:00 +0000

Disclaimer: The story is 100% true but the characters involved have been changed to protect the privacy of the actual person concerned.

So um, I'm still severely procrastinating. Therefore, to justify the time lost, I have written yet another brief piece of writing (if you could call it that) on The One-Minute Writer.

Today's writing prompt is based on the word : Believe. I'm supposed to write about a situation that made me think, "I can't believe I just did that." This is what I wrote.

It was the premiere screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The cinema, was unusually deserted though (don't ask me why). Armed with a bag of popcorn and a super-sized cup of Coke, my sister and I marched excitedly into the hall.In our unbridled enthusiasm to watch the movie, I forgot to visit the ladies.Halfway through a suspense-filled scene, my bladder decided to play havoc. Try as I might, I could not control it and I had to make an immediate decision there and then to either :

i) Run to the ladies and miss an important scene OR

ii) Attempt to control my rather stubborn bladder.

In the end, I made up my mind.

I emptied my Coke, emptied my bladder in the empty cup and emptied my dignity, modesty and propriety in the process.

I still cannot believe I did that too.

4 am, 7 Days, 2 Stories

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 03:19:00 +0000

(Warning: Matured content)

The One-Minute Writer

Ok, my first foray in penning fiction. I am new to this and I am clearly procrastinating from marking exam scripts and studying for my TOEFL. It was a prompt from The One-Minute Writer asking writers to write a brief bit of fiction using the prompt '472'. So, here's the piece.

Please don't laugh.

Story 1

Day 1: Shane glanced at his wife. She was snoring again but he was used to it. The snores have always been like a lullaby to him; soothing his doubts, assuaging his fears. Today, it was annoying. It was so annoying that he wanted to push her off the bed. Grunting, he turned away, pulling more than his share of the quilt towards him in an act of defiance.

Day 2: Shane glanced at his sleeping wife. She snored precisely twenty three times in a minute. Yes, he counted. He wondered if the number meant anything at all.

Day 3: Shane glanced at his snoring wife. Her snores were more laboured now. Or perhaps, it had always been that way? Had he been too busy to notice? She gave a loud snore and it jerked him from his reverie. He closed his eyes, trying to drown out the snores and dreamt of luscious pink lips that weren't his wife's.

Day 4: Shane glanced at the clock by their bed. The luminous light flashed 4 a.m. He sighed, listening to his wife's constant snores. They were punctuated with a slight wheezing now. His mind drifted again to the pink lips that had caressed his. He sighed again but this time it was from pure satisfaction. He smiled and let his imagination take him away from his present nightmare.

Day 5: Shane did not have to peek at the clock to know that it was exactly 4 a.m. He woke up and walked to the kitchen. His gait was slow as if he was drugged. In truth, he was nursing an affliction common to men all over when they start dreaming of ripe pink lips, ready to be devoured. He stopped midway, his thoughts now focused on those lips. Shane made an abrupt decision. He fished for his mobile phone and dialled a number from memory. The husky hello was all he needed then.

Day 6: Shane woke up, very quietly so that he wouldn't disturb his wife's peaceful slumber. Her snores were louder today. But that didn't matter. He went to the guest room, took out his mobile phone and dialled the same number. He could imagine those lips mouthing lewd words. He quivered.

Day 7: Shane stared at the ceiling. It was now or never. He would never again have the same courage as he did now. He prayed, first for help and then for strength and then for focus. God knows how much he needed the focus. Those lips...Then he laughed at the absurdity of it all. He was going to end it once and for all with that snoring beast and here he was praying and imagining those soft pink flesh against his. He glanced one last time at the woman he had called his wife for the last twenty three years. The voice from the mobile phone encouraged him...

Story 2

Day 1: They first met at a Starbucks. It was Shane's private hideout. Nobody from the office ever came there. They claimed that the coffee was overpriced and he couldn't blame them. But Shane did not care for overpriced coffees. He cared about his privacy and he needed some solitude. His wife's snores were causing him sleepless nights. Their eyes met over the counter as he ordered his coffee. Shane took the drink but his eyes never left those pink lips.

Day 2: Shane paid for his coffee and cursed Starbucks for making him pay a fortune. Still, he needed the solitude and he needed the coffee to keep awake. He sipped the piping hot coffee slowly and realised that another pair of eyes were on his lips. Shane's mouth curved into a smile and he left feeling unusually cheery.

Day 3: He arrived four minutes early. His usual order - a shot of espresso - was waiting for him. The figure behind the counter smiled invitingly at Shane. Their hands brushed. He trembled. Their eyes met. The espresso was perilously close to spilling but they never noticed it.

Day 4: They met at the back alley behind Starbucks. There was filth everywhere just as their rendezvous was. Shane could feel the steady drumming of his heart as their hands started exploring one another. He tasted those delectable pink lips for the first time. It was as he had envisioned - ripe for eating.

Day 5: The phone rang. A whispered hello. A sigh of recognition. No niceties were necessary. They had bypassed all of that. The pink lips mouthed words that made Shane shiver from forbidden delight.

Day 6: The phone rang. No hellos needed this time. There were only words. Vulgar. Depraved. Filled with debauchery and pure filth. Just like the back alley where they first found each other.

Day 7: The phone rang. Shane's voice was filled with trepidation and what was that? Fear? Confusion? It didn't matter. Those pink lips encouraged him, lulling Shane into a quiet submission. "Kill her" the man with the pink lips said. And Shane did.

The Seven Stages Before (And After) Taking An Exam

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 17:22:00 +0000

Warning: God-jokes. You have been cautioned.

This is all you'll ever need to ace a test

The last time I took an exam was four years ago.

I remember all too well; the late nights, the copious amounts of coffee (although I loathe coffee with all my heart), the incessant chatting with the BFF despite having three more chapters to study, Facebooking furiously as a means of escape and finally, the freaking out.

In three weeks, my family and my dog will have to bear witness to the late nights, the copious amounts of coffee (I still detest the sight of coffee), chatting with my dog (because someone is too busy with her wedding) in the wee hours of the morning or just anyone who would be able to cope with my whining, Facebooking like there's no tomorrow and yes, the freaking out.

No exam preparation would be complete without the freaking out. The 'shit-what-if-I-fail-?' paranoia that plagues me (and perhaps a million other students worldwide) every single time I encounter a test-taking moment. I am still putting off my JPJ aka driving test for the same reason but that's a whole different story there. Everytime I prepare to sit for an exam, I usually go through these phases:

a) The Pre-Panic Stage : I panic every so slightly but this is nothing like the Rapture-like panic. Mild and harmless. In fact, it's so mild that you won't even realise I am panicking. What usually goes on in my head is this: I start doubting the reasons behind my test-taking decision. I ask myself if it's worth it. If it's REALLY REALLY worth the misery? I may or may not venture into the realms of sadism and masochism because really, taking a test when you don't HAVE to is sadistic at best no?

b) The Research-Like-It's-A-Thesis Stage : I am born to research, man. Ask my ex boyfriend. He will vouch for it. I get pissy if I don't do my research and even more so if someone decides to do the research for me. If it's something new, a movie, a restaurant, a trip or a bloody exam, I MUST research it. As of 4th June 2011, I have downloaded a total of twenty seven ebooks on TOEFL, eight sample tests, three audio CDs and one eBible (I need some salvation okay??).

c) The Many-Night-Stands-With-the-Coffee Stage : This is pretty much self-explanatory. I study. I burn that proverbial midnight oil (actually, why the hell do they even say midnight when we all know that last-minute cases like me need more than midnight to catch up? Stupid) and I drink coffee like I drink water. I think the coffee is really a placebo in this case but I'll need all the help that I can get, so to hell with placebo theories.

d) The Paranoia Stage : I freak out because the more I study, the more I realise I need to study. It's aggravating when that happens. It's like a vicious cycle.

*Studies*

"Oh wait, what's that?"

*More studying*

"Hang on, what the hell is this?"

*Studies previous chapters*

"Shit, what IS this??"

*Studying while panicking*

You get the drift. Also, this is the stage where I start dreaming about what I study. This has already happened. Last night, I dreamt that I yelled at the invigilator who was dressed as a Rabbi (no shit) because the test did not make any sense. Also, my typing speed was reduced to pecking one key at a time. Prophecy? I hope not. Pecking one key at a time is just a slow death.

e) The Spiritual Stage : This is when I pray harder than twenty Indian priests put together. I pray for anything, really. A sign. An epiphany. A prediction. An answer. A full booklet of answers. Anything at all. God? Seriously, anything TOEFL-related please. We are both too busy to waste time messing up my prayer requests. I tend to be more well-behaved and more spiritual during this stage because I for one, do not like to take chances and spark the wrath of Zeus, God of Exams. So, if you see me preaching about His Might and His deep Love for all beings taking the TOEFL test on Facebook, don't judge me. Please.

f) The Freaking-Out-Like-It's-The-Rapture Stage : There are no two ways about this. I always freak out (as you did too, before you shagged for the first time-admit it). No matter how much (or how little) I study, I am racked with crippling panic attacks. I envision the worst and I berate myself for the tenth millionth time for taking a test I don't need (that's what I tell myself BEFORE the test). I can never get out of this stage, just as many others can't. Usually, this stage is visible a week before the test and it often overlaps with the Spiritual Stage. Evidence of these stages can be found on Facebook:

I told you - don't judge me.

As of now, I can safely say that I am in The Research-Like-It's-A-Thesis Stage.

g) The Aftermath Stage : This is the total calm after all that adrenaline rush and unnecessary (but necessary at that time) drama. Nothing great ever happens here. I catch up on lost sleep, I throw away all my coffee (and spit on them-hah), do a little victory dance with my dog... Nothing much, really. This usually lasts for a while and then I regress into The Freaking-Out-Like-It's-The-Rapture Stage just before I am due to collect my results. A sudden bout of pimple-attack may occur. Damn, you hormones.

And so, there you have it folks. The Seven Stages Before Taking A Test according to me.

On an entirely different note, I actually like this quote from the Guru Granth Sahib; “Whatever pleases You is a pure action of karma.” Not sure if God would like my interpretation of it though. Hmm..

Mistakes Men Make: First Dates Faux Pas

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Mon, 02 May 2011 10:45:00 +0000

(No offence to hotornotdotcom or dateinasiadotcom or to some of my mates who have found true love via the wonderful world wide web - you are an inspiration to many. I salute thee)

First dates can be fun or a complete disaster (photo courtesy of The Oatmeal)

Who doesn't love a good date? I know, I do. The excitement starts right from setting the date, planning the venue, choosing the outfit and matching accessories to the whole anticipation of meeting someone new. Sadly, that rush can oft be overshadowed by numerous gaffes that men make during a date. Seeing those blunders being repeated one too many times can sometimes be frustrating despite the many pieces of dating advice that can be found all over the place.

I have to admit that I am certainly no expert to be dishing out such advice. Oprah or your latest SEVENTEEN magazine might have more than enough information on such issues but I do know one or two things about dating, courtesy of being in the game for the last eight years and actually experiencing the horrors myself.

These are really elementary dos and don'ts that even your great grandmother can tell you. Surprisingly though, most men fail to adhere to the basic principles of dating resulting in all those social dating websites mushrooming like there is no tomorrow and which feed off your idiocy and money. So here are some tips for you clueless men to impress your date and to (hopefully) score a potential second date.

1. The Exes and Your Bitter Past : Do not discuss your ex with us. Repeat this mantra an infinite amount of times. We do not want to know about that 'endearing way in which she tilts her head' or how 'she makes cornflakes with chopped fruits for you every morning'. I would rather talk to my dog than hear about the glorious moments you had with her. It makes her a subtle competition and that is the last thing we need. It also shows that you have extra baggage and that you have not moved on. If your ex was a she-devil from hell, you are welcome to bitch about her. Be warned however, that as much as we might enjoy that juicy piece of gossip (especially if we know the said she-devil), your chances of scoring a second date with us would be nil. If you bitch about that bitch to us, it will not take long for you to do the same to us.

2. Perfume / Cologne / After-Shave : Whoa. Go easy on it. A little bit of it goes a long way. You don't have to be a walking perfumery for us to be smitten. Having said that, do not be an arrogant prick and think your own pheromones are enough to snag twenty women. Please use some form of perfume or cologne when meeting your date. Yes, we love your body smell and yes, it is a well-known aphrodisiac but remember, one man's pheromones is another man's poison. Some women will like it and some will not. Perfumes or colognes are generally widely accepted. You will have a higher chance of impressing a woman when you smell nice. It shows that you have taken some time to groom yourself and that the date matters to you. Having said this, there are some men who are simply born without a decent sense of smell; choosing to dab nasty, weird-smelling perfume over themselves and thinking that this is the shit. You are right, it is shit. It is such vile, disgustingly foul-smelling shit that I would rather hump a car than you. Although scent is a subjective category (what tickles your fancy might not stir mine), I think it is rather safe to say that : don't choose scents that make you smell like a stale dish rag, weird-smelling spice, flowers or worse, sharp-pungent-smelling fruits. You are a MAN, for God's sakes. Smell like one! The following are scents that I personally love on a guy and whom many of my girlfriends swear by.

My personal favourite! (Courtesy of thesecentualist.com)

A slightly cheaper alternative to Ralph Lauren's Polo

Fresh and sexy scent

Hard to find but if you do, GRAB IT!

So far, those perfume mentioned have yet to fail us. A nice manly scent gets our blood boiling (subject to the date's physical appearance as well). Also, please, for the love of God, use a deodorant and brush your teeth before you come to meet us. This is non-negotiable.

3. Attire : This is a tricky part but the general consensus is do not look too casual or like a jock-wannabe. Which means, if you are coming back from the gym or from a run, please have a shower and wear something appropriate before seeing us. It's not okay to don your trainers because unless you look like Chris Hemsworth from Thor (drool) or bear a resemblance to say Christiano Ronaldo (need I say more?), then you can bet your fugly clothes, we will run away. So, what's good then? Again, this is a subjective territory, but there are some commonly accepted attire. Jeans? Yes. Fitted shirt and jeans? Definite YES! Add a touch of casualness to it by rolling your sleeves halfway and you will have us salivating. Fitted clothing is a sure sign that you care about your appearance in general but without bordering gay-dom and it also gives us a clue as to what lies underneath (as you do when you check us out - admit it).

The right fit brings out the best in you

Shoes? Only if they are some quality, classy-looking loafers, lace-ups or a good pair of boots. Sneakers are fine but only if they aren't scruffy or dirty or look like they belong to a school-going kid. We want to go out with a man not a boy. ABSOLUTELY no flip-flops, croc-shoes or anything that looks remotely like sandals and don't wear your best beach shorts unless that is where you are headed to.

Step by Step Fashion Guide for Dummies

Upturned collar?Unless you want to look like a pubescent kid, no.

DON'T !

Shorts or flip-flops? Bad idea.

NO! NO! NO! (unless it's a very casual date in which you both have agreed upon)

Printed T-Shirts with sayings on it? Definite no.

Absolute NO!

So, to sum up - NO flip-flops/sandals/fugly sneakers, NO shorts/beach shorts, NO printed t-shirts and NO gym/sports attire (unless you have a sports-y date). Take care of your appearance and you score brownie points from us.

4. Negative Talk : Don't bore her to death by talking about your problems, the way your colleagues ill-treat you, that important soccer match you had to miss because of this date, your mother who is waiting for you at home, obsess about that goldfish you forgot to feed or how much the bill will come up to. Such a behaviour indicates that you are a pessimist and that your whole life borders on nothing but problems. Please lah. Everyone has problems. You don't have to make it sound like the whole world revolves around you.

5. Behaviour and Mannerism : If you are a CEO of some company or a big-shot, please don't point that out to us, be it subtly or not. It doesn't matter if you are about to close the world's biggest deal or if you just made millions off the stock market, DON'T SHOW OFF. Then, there's the case of male chauvinists who think the world of themselves. I made a horrible mistake of going out with a pig who spent the whole night berating women in general and making jokes like this:

Idiot Pig : A woman gets hit by a truck. Whose fault is it?

Me : Um. The truck driver?

Idiot Pig : Wrong! The woman. What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?? Ha-ha. Okay, another one. A woman gets hit by a truck. Whose fault is it?

Me : Um...isn't this the same question?

Idiot Pig : Yes. So, who is it?

Me : Umm...

Idiot Pig : The truck. What the hell was it doing driving around in the kitchen?? Ha-ha.

Found out later that he took the joke wholesale from the Net. It might have been funny on a fifth or seventh date but certainly not on the first. This guy also decided that it would be impressive to shout at the waitresses and make a big drama when they messed up his orders (well, who wouldn't?). Coming from a drama queen like me, that should tell you something about mannerism. It's so not okay to be rude to people regardless of who they are or what they do. It reflects on your personality and frankly, we wouldn't be caught dead with a prick like that.

6. Gallantry and Chivalry: These days gallantry is gone and chivalry is shrivelled. What happened to all those gentleman?? It doesn't hurt to act like one. I am not talking about opening her door (actually this isn't wrong - depends on the girl) or worshipping the ground she walks on but little things such as being sensitive to her needs (wrapping a coat around her when it's cold, carrying her things etc) and definitely - PAYING ON THE FIRST DATE. As much as I can be a raging feminist, I do believe in some conservativeness and this includes letting the men pay during the first date. Honestly, this is just common courtesy and it tilts the power in your favour. Of course, you don't have to pay for every meal or date. That would just mean the woman is leeching off you. Most women however, believe in equality these days and would insist on paying or at least going dutch. Don't be fooled and let it slide. The least you could do is to offer to pay as this shows that you are not one cheap bastard. Whether we accept or not is secondary but the fact that you offered is good enough. Should you turn up with some flowers? Ok, this is tricky as well. I personally don't feel comfortable with it. I had a date who greeted me with a huge bouquet of roses. The bouquet looked bigger than me and everyone turned to look wherever we went. Too much don't you think? It could indicate that you are trying too hard and that is a huge turn off. Flowers are great but only if you are well-acquainted with each other.

7. Staring / Fingering / Groping : I am no prude but seriously? This is your first meeting with the woman. Go easy on those itchy hands of yours. She may be hot, she may be wearing the sexiest dress that could put Angelina Jolie to shame BUT it still does not negate the fact that this is your first date and your one chance (and if you screw up, the only chance) at impressing the lady. Please don't stare at her rack (the key is to be very subtle if you really cannot help it), don't try to put your hands under her skirt (unless she encourages you and in which case, is a different story altogether) and please for the love of God, DO NOT TRY TO GROPE HER. I knew a guy once who thought that he had the right to grope me because he paid for my dinner. The man saw the back of my hand and was history in seconds. Next, should you kiss her after the date is over? It really depends on how the date went. I'd say that the safest bet would be not yet. A light peck is acceptable but please, don't take that as sign that we want to have a quick roll in the hay. If you have no idea what a peck is, Google the damn thing up. A kiss should come naturally and could probably (again, this is just a rough estimate) be the highlight of date number three or four (depending again on how well you guys clicked). The best judge in this situation would be the two of you. If she is at ease with you, smiles and laughs, talks and shares stories, doesn't pick on her food all the time, then maybe she's comfortable in your presence and a kiss just might be coming your way!

I'll update this list later when I have the time. Obviously this list is not exhaustive and these are just some of my observations when I went on dates. Some women may have a different take on it but I'd say these little dos and don'ts are pretty much common fundamentals in dating. So, heed it and have fun with them dates!

The Great Good Bye

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 16:58:00 +0000

I did the unthinkable.

I swore I wouldn't do it.

I promised myself and the powers above that I would hold on to it. Not let it go.

It was too precious to let go. I worked so hard for it. Waited so long for it. Went through misery and much pain just to see it flourish.

And now, it lies limp and lifeless.

The past year's bad 'chi' washed away with a single snip.

I had to say good bye after all.

I am sporting a shoulder length hair style now people. Yep, cut off my tresses this afternoon for the sole reason that my hair was starting to bug the living daylights out of me.

I know, I really should start blogging on better things.

Epic Fail: How to Look Like a Complete Idiot

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 11:54:00 +0000

Dedicated to the man who sees the bright side in everything, who stubbornly sees the glass as half full and who has yet to remove the proverbial rose tinted glasses. To the man who lives the life, this is for you.

Note: This event happened in 2009 and was about the same time as when I experienced my first taste of pure Latin Drama. Read it here before reading this post so that you will be able to understand the horror I felt and perhaps come to understand my subsequent actions.

Horror might not exactly be the best word to use here.

In fact a single word is a poor substitute to describe exactly how I felt. It was a combination of terror, panic and being totally freaked-out. In short, I almost had a meltdown in the middle of a town square. Why?

a) I was in a foreign land - specifically El Salvador and knew nobody there save for some lovely people (who at that time of incident were working).

b) I hardly spoke Spanish, which is the official language there.

c) I was in the midst of trying to get my very first Salvadorean sim card (which is known as 'chip' - don't ask me why) to bloody work.

d) I was also trying to figure out how to change the phone's current language settings to English (it was in Spanish).

d) Moments before, I was harassed and stalked by this scary-looking Salvadorean and I was still in the midst of recovering from that shock.

If that doesn't give you a meltdown, go screw yourself.

In the middle of all that confusion (with the phone), the horror of almost avoiding a madman (my Latin stalker) and the agony of figuring out how to use my new phone, I tried sending a message to Jarek (my mate) informing him that I had bought the 'chip' but tragically, sent a very wrong text to him. Read it here.

Now, I am sure that most of us know what happens when you insert a shiny new sim card in your phone for the very first time. In Malaysia, you'd get several text messages from the Telco provider - welcoming you to their network and then followed by text messages informing you about their products and services. That was exactly what happened when I inserted the sim card.

All hell broke loose.

I began receiving several text messages from the Telco provider - Tigo and they came at an alarming rate. One after another, welcoming me with their cheery 'Hola'-s and then informing me about their services which if I did not use, I would drop down and die. This was getting too much for me because first I was terrorised by a creepy stalker and now, I was being terrorised by a bunch of text messages, of which half I did not even understand.

In the middle of receiving text messages from Tigo, I was also getting some from Jarek, pacifying me and telling me that all was okay which meant I was successful in sending out text messages from that nightmare of a phone. I think I must have felt like a kid who could finally say the letters of the alphabet because for once, I wasn't screwing up something. The next thing I knew, the phone vibrated (for the millionth time) and I received this text message:

Darsh>Hola sexy!!What ru doin now?Hw is Metapan??

I froze.

There was no name and there was no number indicating who the recipient was. That text message scared me shitless because the only person who knew my new number (remember it was a new sim card??) was Jarek and I felt sure that he did not, in the span of six seconds, text the whole world informing them about my number. I felt the old terror creeping in me and I replied rapidly, my sweaty hands fumbling with the keypads:

Oh God. Who is this?

I waited. And I waited. But nobody replied.

The whole situation felt like an Agatha Christie mystery and the idiot who gets murdered because he/she was too stupid to realise what was going on, was me. It was agonising just trying to think of all the possible people who could have had my number. I texted Jarek and asked if he had sent my number to anyone. There was no reply from him for the longest time (which meant he was working his sexy ass off) and then finally, a 'No'.

I wanted to solve this mystery but it was getting dark and I still had groceries to get. So, I made my way to the supermarket, shopped like a lunatic (there was cheap booze - forgive the impulsiveness) and then made my way home. As soon as Jarek walked in the door, I sprung unto him, related my adventure and then showed him the text message that had been boggling my mind.

He was dumbfounded as well. There was no number to track back and the message appeared to be from someone who knew me really well, evidence from the 'Darsh' in the message. We puzzled over it for a while and then out of nowhere, Jarek slapped his thigh and roared with laughter. He laughed so hard that I was worried that he would crap in his pants, but no such luck.

After a good five minutes of non-stop laughing, he finally explained that the text message was, in actual fact, from myself.

What the fuck?

My brain could not process such a rational so he showed me the text messages that I used to send him when I was in Malaysia (using a web-based messenger service).

Here's a snapshot of the web-based messenger:

The Web Based Messenger that started it all

The phone that I was using had old messages from me sent by the Tigo Web Messenger. In my panic, I hadn't realised that the text message was a message that had already been read and had been sitting idle in the inbox for months and months. When I started using the phone, I had inadvertently opened the 'read' message and thought it was a new text. Jarek pointed out that the text message had been sent when I was in Malaysia and three months later, I replied to that same text message in El Salvador.

So, in reality, I had actually texted my own self.

Jarek refused to stop laughing after that. I don't blame him.

How to Befriend a Lady on Facebook: A Dummies Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 18:27:00 +0000

Warning: Heavy grammatical errors and profanity at its very worst. Don't drink while reading this.

I have been wanting to blog about this topic for a while but it required me to take several screen shots of my laptop screen and that itself was a huuuuge deterrent for me because :

a) I had to download the screen shot software first, do the bloody installing and then wait for the whole process to complete. As much as it sounds simple, it would take close to a thousand light years to complete because my laptop operates on a pre-historic speed : 512MB RAM. I kid you not. It's the school laptop which explains a lot, doesn't it? And I am not allowed to upgrade or modify it in any way. Shoot me already.

b) There is no b) actually. I just adore bullet points and organised lists and it makes so much sense to see them all arranged so neatly.

Yes, I suppose I have some issues. Anyway, I finally finally downloaded the software, grew a beard while waiting for it to finish installing and popped out three babies while waiting for the software to open. My first screen shot was a series of messages between me and a retard whom we shall call 'Retard' on Facebook. He tried to add me as his 'friend' and when I ignored his request, he sent it again. Obviously, I got annoyed and so I sent him a message. But you may ask, why pick this retard out of the many retards on Facebook? Well, besides looking at his nauseating grammar and the absolute asshole-ness of this guy, I wanted you to see how this fucktwit took sarcasm and the art of approaching ladies to a whole different level.

Some background info about me: I do not add people I don't know on Facebook (or any other social networking sites that I may or may not have) unless some form of communication has transpired and that too usually happens after five dog years.

So, here are the messages. Please, please don't drink while reading this. Barfing may ensue.


Part One


Part Two

After that, I was just too lazy to reply to Retard's messages hence my one liner. More often than not, I usually ignore messages such as Retard's but on that fateful day, I had a very shitty time at work and well, all hell broke loose.

Couple of days later, surprise surprise! Retard decided to add me as a friend again. The bloody nerve.


Part Three

Okay, I KNOW it's mean to poke fun at people's English. Hell, mine's no better BUT his English? Bad isn't enough to describe it ok? And check out his lame-ass replies. I was drinking a piping hot cup of tea when I read his feeble 'riposte'. Needless to say, I nursed a burn wound that day.

"Smart tit"?? Hahaha. That was just priceless.

So, guys, if you are reading this and if you are guilty of committing any one of these heinous crimes:

a) Blind-Adds : the act of blindly and/or randomly adding people on Facebook or Friendster or whatever other social networking sites out there.

b) Ungentlemanly Lame-Ass Replies : the act of behaving like a complete asshole when replying to a woman and that too with stupid, stupid retorts.

c) First-Time-Cussing : the act of swearing and/or using expletives when befriending a person for the first time, especially when it's a lady.

... you can kiss your chances of hooking-up with the said lady adios.

There is no way on earth a woman would find any of the above irresistible, let alone sexy. Quit being a chauvinistic pig, man up and learn the art of humility. It takes you a long way. When in doubt - ask or when chastised for a mistake that you are obviously guilty of, - do apologise. You'll be surprised at what a simple 'sorry' can do. It certainly doesn't make you look like a pussy when you apologise and it doesn't make you any less of a man. The moment you balk at your grand plan of approaching us due to the slightest hint of intimidation, you become as interesting as a piece of wood. We dig confident men, guys who are sure of themselves without being downright cocky and finally, we adore men who know when to draw the line and when to push.

I am aware that women are just about impossible to understand, much less please but there are very obvious no-nos and these are some of it. Had Retard apologised and expressed a sincere intention in befriending me, I would have considered. We women dig that because secretly, we relish being in control and being right. Also, send a nice personalised message to the girl you are interested in and not one of those cut-and-paste messages. We are not born yesterday, so please, don't insult our intelligence. If you do not hear from the girl or if she chooses to ignore your friend requests, move on. Stop being so puerile about it and harass us. No means no. I cannot stress that enough. There are a million other women out there. Retard's fragile ego was obviously very much wounded in this experience but instead of learning from his mistakes, he chose to repeat them. What kind of an idiot does that?? Seriously?? Dear God, learn from your mistakes and chances are, one day you might find someone who is willing to overlook your flaws and accept you as you are.**

These may look like a benign issue to you. You may say, so what? Fuck it, just don't respond to his pathetic approaches. Yeah, that's easier said than done. The problem is we women receive a hundred of these sort of messages and well, after a hundred of those rejections, we almost pity you. Consider this a free advice on what not to do when approaching the fairer sex.

So, the moral of this story?Uncouth behaviour i.e. acting like a complete asshole and then pretending nothing happened - TOTAL TURN OFF.

And please for the love of God, please do something with your atrocious grammar before hitting on women, especially English teachers who have Grammar OCD.

** this may never happen but hey, you never know right?

When A Bottle of Shampoo Offends You

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 06:48:00 +0000

I got a mail from a reader last night. It's word for word people.

"I don't understand why you speak to your shampoo bottle. It is joke right? Can you explain why you must choose a shampoo bottle? Why not a conditioner bottle? They are too funny too right? ;) "

Too funny?

Oh my God.

Besides the atrocious grammar, I don't really care for your two cents and I don't think I need to justify my actions. Perhaps after you have attended ten years worth of grammar classes, then I might think about explaining myself.

However, since I am in a good mood (courtesy of a cat that almost got its tail bitten by my dog), here's a snippet of one of my daily conversations with my beloved shampoo bottle.

Warning: Randomness and insanity. As always.

A bottle of shampoo offended me deeply. Here's why:

Me: You foul thing. You are procreating in my bathroom like bunnies in heat.

Bottle: I smell tasty.

Me: I could feed all of you to an entire shampoo-eating ecosystem. Why are there so many of you? I don't have dandruff, frizz or-- Wait, is that 'age-defying' printed on you?

Bottle: Ha Ha Ha!

Me: You cannot defy age. No one can defy age. Age is un-defy-able!

Bottle: Ha Ha Ha!!

Me: You disgust me with your cheap, rotten lies. How could you be so blatantly devious? That's not classy at all.

Bottle: Since I make your hair look younger, can it not be said that I defy age?

Me: Firstly, hair is dead. Secondly, even if you could make hair look alive, you'd only be masking the age. Aging happens by virtue of the passing of time. Unless you stop or reverse time, which isn't currently possible, age cannot be defied.

Bottle: Why are you even arguing? You know you love me don't you? Don't deny your feelings.

Me: I am currently feeling very unpleasant. So, stop trying to be sweet.

Bottle: I'm glad you realise I am trying to be sweet. Shouldn’t I introduce myself to you a little bit more? Introducing a revolutionary path to better social standing - ME! I smell tasty. Would you like to smell tasty too?

Me: I will not use you because I AM A PERSON OF PRINCIPLES!

Bottle: What if I were an invention capable of reversing time? Would you not wish to honour the scientific principle behind my miraculous being?

Me: GIMMICKGIMMICKGIMMICKGIMMICKGIMMICKGIMMICKGIMMICK

Bottle: You're just spiteful because YOU are aging. How old are you?

Me: I'm turning twenty *** soon...

Bottle: More than two and one half of a decade years old? Really? You speak like a ten-year-old and look like a forty-year-old. However, I was manufactured last year. And I have no expiry date…

Me: ...

Bottle: Is our teacher at a loss for words? How charming!

Me: That is all so under the belt.

Bottle: Please confine the use of me to the region of your head.

Me: Oh my God don't make such dirty jokes! That's not classy.

Bottle: YOU made it.

Me: YOU made it!

Bottle: Nope. You made it. I am a bottle of shampoo, and you are, in effect, talking to yourself.

Me:

Bottle: Are you ignoring me? I live in your head. You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love!

Me:

Bottle: Is the realisation of your insanity finally dawning upon you?

Me:

Bottle:

Me:

Bottle:

Me:

Bottle: I could probably be a counselor at your school! Seeing as I am long-winded and also very good at talking to myself about nothing in particular.

Me:

Bottle: Don't ignore me. That's not classy.

Me: I love you.

Bottle: I love you too.

Me: I guess you're right.

Bottle: I knew you'd agree.

Me: Get out of my bathroom.

How To Kill Flies: A Dummies Guide

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 12:54:00 +0000

Must.Die.

Last night I finally came up with a sound strategy to get rid of flies, inspired by the sudden appearance of one (albeit a tiny one) on the screen of my laptop. I find them annoying, to say the least. Especially the ones that fly near your face thinking they are invincible like they are God or ~~a bloody cat~~ something. The nerve. This full-proof (at least to me) method is incredibly hygienic and effective, but it involves a lot of running.

Firstly, the freezing. This step is optional and not recommended, but I did it anyway because when I see something I'm terrified of, my first instinct is to quit all the other programs in my head and dedicate 100% of my brain juice to figuring out what to do. Actually that made me sound smarter than it should. In reality, I am just a bunny caught in the headlights, frozen in fear.

Next, I move my mouse cursor in circles around the fly, confusing it. This is effective not only on flies but on ants, too. The fly will seemingly be hit with a dizzy spell and then crawl in all sorts of directions, depending on how quickly you move your mouse. I guess something does have a worse sense of direction than I do, after all.

Then, the mode of annihilation. My weapon of choice is the underdog of all weapons - the humble adhesive tape. I run to my stationery box and yank open the drawer containing adhesives, grab the roll of tape, pull out a looooooong portion, tear it off the main roll, run back to the victim-to-be, wave the looooooong piece of tape until the fly gets stuck onto it, then carefully wrap the tape around it and run to the bin, preferably one far far far far far far far far far far far far away, where I dispose of that disgusting thing.

I have also tried this method with bugs by holding both ends of the tape and picking up the bug with the tape, but, more often than not, the tape sticks onto whatever surface and is a pain to remove, especially with a bug on it. And I don't like to risk spilling bug guts on my stuff. This method of course, will fail horribly if attempted on bigger, meaner and more hazardous insects such as the stupid, stupid, almightily repulsive Cockroach. Or Cath's nightmare - the vile Lizard.

Here's a tip about the waving part: Be sure no strong fans are on, and that the coast is clear for the full length of the tape to explore its gymnastic abilities. You do not want a fly swinging into your hand like an acrobat on a sticky trapeze. Revolting. Fatal. Eww.

(N.B. Many flies were harmed in the production of this entry. God bless their disgusting souls.)

Latest Format for the SPM 1119/2 Paper

noreply@blogger.com (Darsh) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 05:07:00 +0000

LATEST SPM UPDATES!

Guys, this is the latest developments in regard to the SPM 1119/2 paper. I got this straight up from our Language Officer from the JPN. Effective from 2011, there will be a slight amendment to the format of the SPM English paper. The changes are only confined to Section D of the 1119/2 paper. Below are the details:

Latest SPM 1119/2 Format

Although drama and short stories will not be assessed, teachers are required to still teach those genres in Form 4. This is according to the latest circular. Please ask your Head of the English Panel or your Head of the Language Department for it if you need more info.

Okay, for those who are not in the loop, do have a read. I posted this on my Facebook Note sometime back, but I'm including it here as well. Forgive the redundancy. Those who are already in the know, please bear with me. I attended a course for the State Trainers (Jurulatih Utama Negeri) a while back and this particular course was a continuation from the very first one held last year, i.e. Part 2. It was a training for the trainers to train and prepare all the English teachers in their respective states to implement the new English Literature Component that will replace the old cycle. You should have received the modules in the form of CDs from your JUs (Jurulatih Utama) even if you have not attended any of the said courses. But then again, if you have not attended the courses in your district, then the main reason for that would be the lack of funding (as we all know, "Takde Duit" seems to be the current mantra). My colleague and I had similar problems last year but we managed to get a sponsorship from the Rotary Club in Bentong, Pahang and so we were able to conduct the training.

Having said that, I am also aware that there are a number of us who are either clueless or confused with the new changes in the Literature Component and I'm guessing that the information that was supposed to be disseminated by your JUs last year was lost along the way. Either that, or you have been given the diluted version. Also, I felt compelled to upload the modules here because there is a pressing need for the Form Five teachers to know what the hell is going on since our students will be sitting for their SPM examinations soon.

I am including all the modules for the new English Literature Component, encompassing Form One, Form Two, Form Four and Form Five. The novel for Form Three has not been (and cannot be) revealed and I will do so in due time. The modules are labelled as DRAFTS and this is due to the fact that they were written in a hurry. Again, why the hurry? Bloody Politics. See what's happening with the fluctuation in the PPSMI programme? So, you are bound to encounter grammatical and spelling errors in your modules. However, I must say that the modules were painstakingly done and a lot of effort has been put into it (I am not paid to say all this but it's just my two cents). Most of the items in the modules are self-explanatory and it consists of notes, lesson plans as well as suggested activities and some exercises. It's something the CDD and the module writers have brilliantly compiled and need to be congratulated.

The following are the novels that will be read by the respective states:

The Curse by Lee Su Ann

- will be read by PAHANG,TERENGGANU, JOHOR,SABAH,SARAWAK and LABUAN

Step by Wicked Step by Ann Fine

- will be read by SELANGOR,KUALA LUMPUR,PUTRAJAYA, NEGERI SEMBILAN and MALACCA

Catch Us If You Can by Catherine McPhail

- will be read by PERLIS,KELANTAN,KEDAH,PENANG and PERAK.

I have personally read all three and I think they are brilliant. Seriously. I actually cried reading Step by Wicked Step. The authors are award-winning writers and they write specifically for Young Adults. I will not complain about the novels because I for one, enjoyed the hell out of every one of them but as for the rest...*sigh* I know there is a glaring absence of the cannons and this dumbing-down strategy is of course a cruel decision by the "Ones-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-But-Whom-We-All-Know-Who". It IS a pity and I do feel very strongly about the lack of the cannons but well, the decision has already been made and we shall have to just make do with it. God bless the poor, ignorant kids.

Go to http://www.box.net/shared/3en118ts4s and download the modules there.

If you need any information (especially about poetry since it can be very very subjective), then ask Google (reliable sites lah), your JUs or senior teachers or you can ask me and I'll try to assist as much as I can.

Also, you are not supposed to teach Gulp and Gasp nor any of the short stories in Form Five since you already have a novel to deal with. Likewise for the other forms. I'm sorry to hear that some of you have not been receiving the correct information from your superiors. Below is the complete list of literary texts that are supposed to be taught according to their respective forms. This is based on information from the Curriculum Development Division and not hearsay.

Form 1:

Poems : The River -Valerie Bloom and Mr Nobody - Author Unknown

Short Stories : Flipping Fantastic -Jane Langford

Form 2:

Poems : I wonder - Jeannie Kirby and Heir Conditioning - M. Shanmughalingam

Short Stories : One is One and All Alone - Nicholas Fisk

Drama : Rumpelstiltskin - Angela Lanyon

Form 3:

Poems : A Fighter's Line- Marzuki Ali and Leisure - Willian Henry Davies

Novels : To Be Announced Later

Form 4:

Poems : In the Midst of Hardship - Latiff Mohidin and He Had such Quiet Eyes - Bibsy Soenharjo

Short Stories : QWERTYUIOP -Vivian Alcock and The Fruitcake Special - Frank Brennan

Drama : Gulp and Gasp - John Townsend

Form 5:

Poems Nature - H.D. Carberryy and Are you Still Playing Your Flute - Zurinah Hassan

Novels : Refer to the Above List

The courses that most of you attended were very activity-based and this is because when the JUs attended the first course last year, the CDD trained us the same way. The focus on content was very minimal as they assumed that we would be able to just "get it" when reading the texts. They stressed more on the WAY Literature is to be taught because the Head of the English Unit at CDD (at that time) gave more emphasis on this i.e suggested activities. Thus, everyone else who were involved with the training had to follow. It went something like this:

HEAD --> CDD Trainers --> JUs --> Teachers

(Must DO Activity-Based!) (Activity) (Activity) (What the HELL??)

When my colleague and I came back from the course last year, we decided to include more content in our workshops because in the end, that is really what teachers need. I think we are mostly a creative bunch and coming up with activities isn't all that difficult no? It's the content that we need help with. Anyway, a lot of teachers perhaps complained about the lack of content in the training and so this year when the CDD had the second training, they included more input on the texts. Wonderful!

On top of that, there is a new head for the English Unit at CDD and this also influenced the direction in which the training was conducted. The CDs that you were supposed to receive consist of the PDF documents that I have uploaded here in this post. So, if you have not received the CDs, then download away!

Happy teaching and here's to us in preparing our 'guinea pigs' for the new SPM.

Amen.